Chapter 10: Out of Sight
“There is no complete forgetting, even in death.”

I didn’t sleep well after the fight. Seer told us to go back to bed, to try and get a few more hours in before we got moving again, but I couldn’t find it in me to drift away. I was stuck on what I’d just seen. The knife plunging into her flesh again and again without remorse or even recognition of the act; it was as if she saw that pony like a piece of meat on a cutting board. It was horrifying to me that anyone could remove any sort of equinity from another pony or zebra like that, just butcher them like a beast and never once show any sort of emotion or remorse after.

Maybe I had overreacted, after all Tinker was able to get to sleep right beside me without too much trouble, and she was the one who had just learned what happened to her family; if she could get to sleep after that, I shouldn’t have had any issues after watching a raider die, right? The filly twitched a few times as she slept, her face stuck in a frown as tears started to fall from her eyes even in sleep. It was a horrible sight, at least to me. Dreams were supposed to be a safe place, the one time you could escape from anything bad and imagine the good times instead of being surrounded by reminders of whatever may plague your real world. Yet there she was, still trapped in the memories of everything that had happened to her.

I wanted to comfort her, hold her and tell her it would all be okay, but that didn’t work in dreams. I couldn’t be in there with her to help her get through whatever was happening, all I could do was watch as she cried inside her own head and saw Caesar-knows-what.

I almost jumped out of my skin at the sight of a striped body slinking down over the berm from the corner of my eye, but I calmed myself when I realized it was just Seer coming back from getting rid of the raider bodies. I doubted that she buried them or gave them anything like the treatment she showed the ponies of Shanty, she probably just found a hole to throw them in and forget they even existed. So, I looked away from her and back to Tinker, not caring to acknowledge the zebra who was slowly starting to look like a raider herself in my eyes.

I guess I didn’t try very hard to hide that I was still awake, because a few moments later her hooves were right beside me as her head leaned down. “You should sleep, it’s a long way back to camp tomorrow,” she whispered gently.

“I know,” I replied roughly, but softly. “But it’s hard to sleep.”

“Is it?” That was probably the stupidest question I’d heard up to that point, and also the strangest. “Just close your eyes, it’s very simple.”

I couldn’t tell if she was trying to upset me or not, but it seemed like she was. “Sorry I can’t do that without seeing you butchering a pony,” I hissed to her, trying very hard to keep my voice down so I didn’t wake up Tinker or Charmer.

Seer sighed and shook her head with a soft clatter of beads. “Felix, we can talk about that later. For now, get your rest.” She looked over to Tinker, then back to me. “If it helps, lie beside Tinker; maybe put a hoof over her? She looks like she could use it,” she suggested softly before standing and trotting off.

I hadn’t looked away from Tinker during our little conversation, and could tell she was still crying, and I still didn’t think that anything I did could help. She was crying inside her own mind, in her dream. I couldn’t go in there and help her, there was nothing I could do to help. And besides, that would be weird if she woke up and I was holding her like that. I was sure Charmer would get a kick out of it and probably start egging us on about looking cute or something, but I doubted Tinker would appreciate it. She’d probably kick me or something!

I quickly changed my mind when the filly whimpered softly and curled tighter around herself. Maybe Seer was right and it would somehow help, no matter how much I doubted it, and if I didn’t she would have to go through the whole night like that. I stood up and trotted to her side slowly, scared that I would wake her up and worry her if I moved to fast or held her wrong or something. A rumble from behind me stood my hair on end, but I turned and saw that it was just Charmer laying on her back and snoring. That was… interesting to see.

My attention went back to the sobbing filly, her breath still whimpering quietly as her hooves seemed to be trying to hold something that wasn’t there. It was heartbreaking to see that, and I could only imagine what kind of things her mind must have been tormenting her with. I carefully sank down to my belly, keeping a little bit of space between us at first mostly because I was nervous and didn’t want to scare her. I also didn’t fully believe what Seer had suggested about this helping Tinker in her dreams somehow.

When I finally brought myself to put a hoof on her shoulder, her body jerked slightly at the touch, and I instantly brought my hoof back to myself. Stupid Seer! Tinker rolled over slightly at being woken up, her eyes barely open as she looked over to me. I could barely see the pain in her glance, the sadness she was still stuck in from everything that had happened to her and now whatever dreams were plaguing her mind.

“Um… s-sorry,” I quietly tried to apologize. “I-I just-”

I didn’t bother finishing my apology as the filly wiggled her body against mine. She pressed her head into my neck and I could feel the wetness of her tears soaking through to my skin, and the quick, scared beating of her heart as her chest rested against mine. I froze at first, not sure quite what to do or what had just happened, but it didn’t take long for my brain to react. I gently placed a hoof over her shoulder and pulled her in close, welcoming the warmth of her sad, shaking body against mine. She seemed to calm a little, but I could still feel the moisture of her tears seeping through the coat of my neck as she continued to sob.

I thought about trying to comfort her further, to tell her it would be okay and that she was safe. Instead I just stroked the back of her mane and let her cry into me as much as she wanted. I wished there was something else I could do to help her, something that could stop her tears or keep her from dreaming about whatever had been tormenting her, but there was nothing in the Wasteland that could let her forget her parents. Nothing to remove the thoughts of being taken from home only to return and realize that home disappeared when she left.

All I could do was let her cry and do my best to let her know that I was there for her to cry on if she needed it.

I don’t know how long it took for her to finally fall asleep in my hooves, or how long it took me to drift to sleep after that, but apparently we had both gone off at some point. I only knew that because I was suddenly jerked from sleep by a squeak and an ‘awww’ from Charmer as she looked at the two of us.

I dared to glance over at Charmer again and instantly pulled my eyes away as I fought to not gag. I wish she hadn’t decided to take them off, but she insisted they weren’t helping anymore. She was right about that, the bandages weren’t doing any good now that her skin had healed and closed up, but they looked a lot better. Now instead of somewhat dirty white cloth covering half of her body, there was just uneven wavy skin that seemed to shine slightly.

That wasn’t really the part that bothered me though, as creepy as it was to see her like that, what really got me was the eye. I never knew what to expect when the bandages came off that side of her face, but it certainly wasn’t what I had been trying to avoid since she removed them. The hole was mostly empty, just a pit in her head that was already disturbing enough without something inside it, but there was still that one bit; the optic nerve still engorged and malformed at the back of the socket from the damage. It wasn’t infected, at least from what I could tell, but it was likely the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen. It just hung there.

It didn’t stick out from the socket, so I couldn’t see it while I walked beside her, but every time I looked up at her face I could still remember the sight of it when she first took off the bandages. Of course I lied to her; I told her she looked great. She’d already been through enough without being called ugly. She didn’t believe me, at least I don’t think she did since she could see what her skin looked like on one of her legs, but she still smiled and thanked me. I felt awful for lying, but I didn’t see a reason to tell her that her face barely looked like a pony’s anymore.

Even though she seemed to sleep well after I started holding her the night before, Tinker hardly looked like she was in a mood to go anywhere. The filly kept her head hung low, only looking up occasionally to see if we were any closer to the camp. She hadn’t said a word after waking up, and I don’t think I had seen her eyes at all either. She was always looking down, as if it was somehow better than looking at the world around her and risking a subtle reminder of her lost parents.

I trotted alongside her and leaned my head over, speaking quietly to not startle her. “Do you want a snack?” I asked gently. Of course, she just shook her head and kept walking, not even bothering to look over at me. “Are you sure? I’ve got an old snack cake,” I pressed, hoping that even if she didn’t accept any food she’d at least speak.

“I’m not hungry,” she replied under her breath, so quietly that I almost didn’t hear her.

I almost tried to force it further, but I knew it wouldn’t help. If she didn’t want to eat, she wouldn’t, and continuing to try and make her eat something would probably just upset her. So I dropped the subject and moved a few feet away again, falling back into the silent walk we’d been on for hours already, and would be on for another countless hours until we got to the camp and hopefully Shayle.

I still wondered what she might have been through since we got separated. The cave must have been horrifying; especially with the threat of whatever had pulled in that pony we had been trying to save. I wondered if she was alive too, maybe Shayle had managed to save her and we’d have yet another pony travelling with us until she could find a home. Another mare, and no colts or bucks for me to relate to.

That was probably the worst part about leaving home; losing all of my friends. I missed running through town with them playing Tag, Bounty Hunters and Slavers, Hide and Seek. I missed talking about the fillies we liked and always needing to punch Zaco for saying he wanted to date my sister. Sometimes I wondered if he actually would, or if he just did it to upset me. I missed Strike too. He’d been nice, he’d helped me and Shayle, and he actually listened when I talked; I missed that sometimes too.

And I missed Dad. He wasn’t always the best, I knew that. He hurt us both sometimes, and I don’t think he was very fair to Shayle by keeping her out of school, but he was still Dad. He took care of us, he brought home food and water from his stand, and he made sure we stayed safe. He taught me how to clean a gun and how to use one, showed me how to load it and how to use it to keep me and Shayle safe whenever he was gone. I never had to, but he still cared enough to teach me anyways. I hoped I would get to see him again, whenever he was out of the trouble Shayle told me he’d gotten in.

But now I was surrounded by mares and a filly.

I also wasn’t paying attention and rammed face-first into Seer’s bony butt.

She shot a look back to me, and I could feel my face burning as I quickly backed away. “Sorry.”

She didn’t reply, and instead turned back to the Wasteland ahead of us. There wasn’t much to see, just a few hills and rock formations, and of course the towers of New Oatleans to the East. Why did she stop?

“Charmer, keep Tinker close and pretend you’re eating,” she quickly ordered and spun around.

“Why? What’s going on?” Charmer asked as she sat down and watched Seer with one eye.

“Just do it.” The zebra trotted to me and grabbed my ear in her teeth to spin me around. “You, let’s go.”

I groaned in pain while she yanked my ear around and pulled me away from Tinker and Charmer. “Why, why, why, why?” I asked painfully.

She didn’t answer again. A few hundred feet from the two ponies, we dropped into a good sized crater where Seer finally let go of my ear and started dumping all of her water into the dirt. I think she was finally snapping, as if she wasn’t already crazy enough. As soon as she finished dumping her last bottle, the mare took off all of her equipment and set it to the side.

“Roll in the mud, now,” she ordered again, sounding panicked and worried.

I don’t think I’d ever heard her use that tone before, one that almost sounded afraid, so I just did it. I fell to the newly created mud and rolled around, covering my coat in the cold gunk. “What’s wrong?” I asked as I rolled, trying to get more from her than just commands.

“Just stay low and quiet,” the mare pleaded with me as she joined in with the mud-rolling. She was more frantic with it than I was, and wasn’t shy about covering any part of her body in the sticky muck. Whatever she saw ahead of us, it must have been horrifying. But if it was, why did she leave Tinker and Charmer out there while we hid?

“What about them?” I asked in a whisper.

“They’ll be fine,” Seer assured me. “Now keep quiet.”

I was really starting to get tired of the constant orders and secrecy.

After a few minutes, I was starting to wonder if Seer was actually insane. Nothing had shown up, and she still refused to move a muscle or let me go check on the others. It was freaking me out. Then I heard it; the heavy stomping of hooves, the soft whine of old metal, and finally the metallic voice.

“What are you doing out here?” it asked, likely directed at Charmer.

“Just taking a stroll,” Charmer replied grumpily.

“Nopony does that, especially not this close to the NOL,” a second metallic voice, a more feminine one, replied skeptically.

“Do I look like I care about that?” Charmer quipped, probably referring to her rather grotesque appearance.

No voices responded at first, but after a few seconds of silence the first metallic voice spoke up again. “Is this your daughter?”

“No, her parents were…” I think we were too far away, because I didn’t hear her finish what she was saying.

“And now you care for her?” Whoever was behind the metal voice, they didn’t sound convinced.

“Yeah. What was I supposed to do, just leave her without anyone to take care of her?” Charmer asked with an ‘are you stupid?’ tone.

“Very well,” the feminine voice responded. “Please do not continue further to the north, you are close to Zebra territory, and both of your safety will be at risk there.” So these metallic voices weren’t very friendly with zebras like me and Seer? It would explain why she was insistent we hid, but it didn’t seem like Seer to go to that extent for a few ponies. Surely she could handle whoever was talking with Charmer and Tinker, right?

“I’ll remember that, thank you,” Charmer answered.

The heavy hoofsteps resumed, and it sounded like they were heading straight toward our hiding spot. I tried to squeeze further into the dirt without moving too much and wished I could just sink through the dirt and mud. I think Seer felt the same, because the feeling of her tail grabbing mine made me think she was almost as scared as I was. If she was that worried about whatever was about to run over us, I had no reason to question why we hid. I just hoped they wouldn’t see us.

Thankfully, the hoofsteps marched right by us, not even stopping beside our crater. Whoever it was, they didn’t say a word as they passed, and I was afraid to even breath and risk them seeing it. I split open one eye and peered up as much as I could without lifting my head from the dirt, and wished I never did.

What I saw was a trio of completely metal ponies, all weighed down with guns so big they looked like walking tanks. None of them looked down to see me looking up, I thanked Caesar for that, and I didn’t blame Seer for rushing me off to hide from them. I didn’t even have to think hard to remember what they were called, after all what else could they be? Steel Rangers, that’s what Charmer and Seer had called them. What they didn’t say was how horrifying they were up close. If that was what the Remnant was fighting in New Oatleans, I was amazed that we were even in the fight at all. It was hard for me to even imagine bringing one of those machines down, not to mention what I assumed was a force equal to the number of soldiers I’d seen in Caesar’s Stand.

I didn’t dare to move even after they passed, and it took me a few minutes to realize that I’d wrapped my tail around Seer’s as well. I didn’t care, and I don’t think she did either, because we would have died without a fight if one of those Rangers had managed to see us. Inches from death, and even Seer had been afraid of that. She’d always seemed at least calm in a firefight, so having her take comfort from me was both a little scary and a little gratifying.

Almost five minutes after the stomping of metal hooves faded to the south of us, Seer pulled her tail away from mine and stood up, not bothering to try getting the caked up mud out of her coat before pulling her gear from the sand where she’d buried it. “We need to move. The faster we get away from here, the less chance we have of running into another patrol,” she ordered again. I just nodded this time and pulled my bags out of the sand.

“So, those were…” I tried to clarify, even though I knew already.

“Yes,” Seer confirmed and pulled on her jacket, cringing slightly at the feeling of crusty mud being pressed against her skin.

“How did you know they were coming?” I asked, not exactly believing she could have seen them from so far away without them seeing her too. After all, she was in the lead, and her white and black striped head didn’t exactly blend into the desert.

She didn’t answer at first, instead focusing on getting the rest of her gear before turning to me with a flat stare. “I saw them a ways out.”

“And they didn’t see you?” I continued skeptically.

“No, got lucky,” she asserted and stepped out of the crater. “Let’s get going, we have a long way to go.”

I nodded and stepped out of the crater behind her, making my way straight to Tinker to make sure she was okay. Apparently keeping up the act was what she needed to finally eat, because a half-eaten can of beans sat between her legs and some of the juice stained her lips.

“You need a bath,” she told me with a strange look.

“Maybe, but I haven’t seen any -” I almost got to finish explaining that I hadn’t seen any running water since leaving home. Instead I sputtered the rest of my sentence as the filly splashed water from her bag into my face. Once she finished I stared at her with a deadpan look. “Why?”

“Because you’re filthy,” she explained matter-of-factly.

“How did splashing me change that?” I asked with a quizzical look.

“It made your face clean.”

“So what?” I really wished I’d just let it go, but no.

A second splash of cold fell over my head and almost made me jump. Instead I spun my head to see Charmer joyously pouring some of her water on me to wash out the mud. I would have been mad about the waste of water and the embarrassment starting to rush to my face, but a soft giggle from Tinker quickly lightened my mood. I could live through a little silliness if it meant she could smile for even a second.

The flickering light of the fire I’d managed to start danced over my chest, casting a waving shadow onto the wall of dirt and stone behind me. I didn’t know if it was such a good idea to have the fire blazing in the night when I was by myself, but I knew that Felix and the others could arrive at any minute. I wanted to have the fire ready when they got to the cart so we could all eat and get to sleep before another long day of travel. Besides, I felt safe in the cart, and had no doubt that if any raiders or bandits tried to get to me I had an invisible watcher somewhere nearby to help. As much as I hated the idea, it somehow gave me comfort to know she was there, even if it was because her and Xion didn’t trust me enough to let me wander around without her eye on me.

But I wasn’t looking for her, at least not anymore. I’d stopped doing that after a few hours of walking silently through the emptiness of the Wasteland, convinced I wouldn’t be seeing her until she felt like it was necessary. Instead, my eyes were locked on the unloaded pistol resting in my hooves as I sat. As ashamed as I was to admit it, I still couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened even after hours and hours to get my mind off of it. It still bothered me, ate at my being, and sometimes even worried me. Why couldn’t I do it?

I had gone over that same question in my head every minute since I’d failed to kill Minx, unable to break the train of thoughts that looped through and through my brain. It was maddening, and no matter what I tried to focus on it wouldn’t derail those thoughts. I’d tried to think of what Felix and Charmer were up to, if they’d gotten in any fights, and even tried to picture the scene of Tinker, Ruckus and Fracas returning home. They were all promptly crushed under the overpowering thought of Minx’s smile. And the worst part was that even with all that time thinking and going over what happened again and again, I still hadn’t gotten any closer to figuring out why I couldn’t shoot that monster of a zebra.

I’d hesitated to kill before, I would be lying if I said I didn’t. Even killing my Father the night I ran away from home had given me pause. After everything that bastard had done to me; the life-long neglect, the beatings, the five years of wishing I would die, and I still paused when I had the chance to kill him. I had planned it all out, how I would do it and what I would do after. But then the time actually came, and I had to fight with myself just to drive the knife in his neck. I had been afraid of all the things that could go wrong. What if he woke up? What if Felix saw me? What if he survived? All of it almost stopped me.

But I still did it, and since then I hadn’t regretted it a single time. I threw him out of my life, out of Felix’s life. He couldn’t hurt me anymore because I had acted, and yet even with the good that came from it I couldn’t repeat the cycle with Minx? No, she hadn’t attacked me personally like Father did, she hadn’t attacked Felix like Father did, but she had burnt and murdered those who seemed to care for me. Was that not enough for me to pull the trigger? It would have stopped her from doing it to anypony ever again. No more fillies dying in the hooves of the only family they had left because Minx chose to end their life. No more of her smiling with joy after burning an entire settlement to the ground. But apparently it wasn’t enough for me.

The second time I hesitated was the slaver. I knew what she did; foalnapping fillies and colts just to sell them to whatever sick equine had the caps to buy them. She treated foals like property, completely disregarding their existence just to make a few caps. I’d even seen what it did to those they took. A defiled and devastated Tinker chained beside two frightened colts that the slavers decided were nothing more than meat, using the innocent as a shield in the face of death. But even after all of that, I still paused before I could pull the trigger. Felix had begged me not to, and for a moment I didn’t think I would. I was his big sister, I was supposed to be someone for him to look up to, and there I was with a gun to the helpless mare’s head. That thought almost stopped me, the worry that if I did it in front of him then he would someday do the same. Part of me still hoped he would kill those that deserved it, but another part didn’t want that for him. He was young, smart, and had so much he could be, but being an executioner wasn’t it. I was the one that could kill so he didn’t have to.

And so I paused, struggling with myself between wanting to end the pain that mare had brought to others and wishing Felix never had to see me do that. When Seer finally got him to look away and tend to Tinker, Ruckus and Fracas I was finally able to make up my mind. He would still know what I did, but somehow if he didn’t see it I felt better. And I pulled the trigger. Had Minx done anything different than that slaver? She’d killed foals, their families, everyone they loved. Everyone and everything Charmer knew was gone, and Minx had helped in assuring that, just like the slaver mare who had taken children away from their homes and their parents’ loving embrace for a life of misery. It should have been easy, because Felix wasn’t there. He would have never seen it; he wouldn’t have even heard the gunshot. And even if he had, I doubted even he would argue with removing Minx from the Wasteland.

But I still didn’t do it. I had every reason to do it, and none of the reasons not to. She was going to let me, she even told me to do it, but I couldn’t pull the trigger. I had tried so hard, but I couldn’t bring myself to take that shot until she was no longer in my sights. So what was it?

When I had the dream about Minx, Seer had told me that my mind could be trying to tell me something. I still wasn’t sure I believed that, or even understood it, but once the thought arrived it refused to leave. If a dream was my brain telling me something, then was my mercy the same? Was I missing something about Minx that part of me noticed, a part that wouldn’t let me kill her?

No, that couldn’t be it. I just needed another chance or another reason to give me that last push. She just needed to do one more horrible thing, and that would be it. I could pull the trigger and end her.

I growled to myself at that thought, and my legs started to shake. I had been telling myself I had all the reason I needed to kill Minx, but suddenly I was arguing I needed another reason? As if she hadn’t caused enough suffering to those who didn’t deserve it, now I was hoping for her to do something even worse so I wouldn’t hesitate next time?

Something strange started to pass through my body at that thought. At first it was confusion, but then my blood seemed to heat up, pulsing through my body faster and faster and heating me from head to hoof. My legs shook more violently, and suddenly the pistol in my hooves started to burn, like it wanted me to do it

I slammed the magazine into the gun with a grunt. No, I wouldn’t let her kill like that ever again..

I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe that I would get lucky or that she would jump in the way, but I still did it. I fired randomly, slinging bullets all around me in the hopes that it would hit her and remove her from the world. Instead I only kicked up dirt. No blood dripped to the ground, no screams of pain filled the air, and no zebras materialized in front of me only to fall lifeless.

My pistol hit the sand of the riverbed with a soft thump under my hooves once it was empty, followed closely by my rump. I had cried many times in my life, so many in fact that I couldn’t have kept track if I tried, but this time was different. I wasn’t hurting, I wasn’t miserable, I wasn’t even sad. I shed tears of anger. I wanted her gone so I didn’t have to think about her anymore. I needed her out of my head, and I wanted to make sure I never saw that smile again, not even in my own dreams.

A strange but somehow comforting feeling spread on my back, a gentle touch rubbing up and down my spine that always seemed to calm me down. A sad little smile curled across my lips as the touch brought back memories of when I was little, before Mama died. If I was ever upset all she had to do was pull me close, tell me it was okay and rub her hoof on my spine like that; it always worked because I knew she loved me and would keep me safe. I missed that feeling, the feeling that somebody loved me and would always protect me if I was in danger. I could have used Mama’s back rubs in the last few years, when all I ever felt was pain and sadness, and when I didn’t have anyone to protect me anymore. I knew Felix loved me, but he was my little brother; I protected him, not the other way around.

The anger that had taken over me for that moment faded away, disappearing as the strange feeling continued, my mind somehow calming me with the memories of what used to make me feel better. I sniffed and lifted my pistol from the dirt to stick it back in my holster. It was empty, but I didn’t want to risk exploding and wasting an entire magazine of bullets again. I had few enough as it was.

I almost didn’t want to stand up, I just wanted to let the imaginary backrub continue until the others arrived, but it had already stopped. I was alone again, with nobody to protect me out in the Wasteland where everything and almost everyone seemed obsessed with making life as miserable as possible. Not that I wasn’t used to it, but it wasn’t what I had expected when I ran away. I hoped for something better, a life where Felix and I were safe together. I expected a quiet home where he could go to school and I could find work to bring home food and water for us.

But instead I got this. I got a constant nightmare where either something was trying to kill me, or someone near me was suffering. I got a place where every choice I made seemed to go wrong and either got somebody killed or almost got me killed. I was still suffering, but now I’d dragged Felix into it as well. Instead of just letting him go to school with his friends and live somewhere that was actually safe, I took him somewhere he could die at any second because I didn’t like what was happening to me.

As the fire crackled and I waited for my brother and the others to get back, I did something I never thought I would.

For the first time since running away, I wished that I hadn’t.

“Shayle!”

I spun to the voice and lit up as Felix jumped into the riverbed and ran to me. We embraced, and I held him close as the others made their way into the camp casually.

“Are you okay?” he asked after almost a minute of squeezing me in his hooves.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I assured him as the two of us finally broke apart. “Why are you covered in mud?” I hadn’t even noticed at first, but almost everything behind his forelegs was caked in crusty dirt.

“Oh, we had to hide,” he explained simply. “What’s with the new jacket?” He poked a hoof into my shoulder, reminding me that I was still wearing the Stable jacket that Sandy had given me.

“It was a gift,” I explained with a smile. “The ponies in that Stable gave it to me, and a bunch of other things too.”

“You were in the Stable?” Seer asked from behind Felix.

I nodded. “Lots of dead bodies, but some survivors. They helped me get some supplies. I don’t know if we needed any of it, but hopefully some of it will help.” I waved a hoof to my bag and found that Tinker was already looking through the random things sticking out of it.

Wait, Tinker?

I turned back to Felix and Seer with a questioning look. “Didn’t you drop her off?” I asked quietly, not wanting to hurt her feelings or make her feel unwelcomed.

“We… um,” Felix started as Seer turned and walked away. My brother frowned and sat down in front of me, leaning close to whisper. “Her parents were killed when she was taken. There was nowhere for her to go,” he explained sadly. “We decided she could stay with us for a while, maybe go with Charmer when she finds a new home.”

“Oh.” I looked over to the filly and frowned as she pulled a strange looking bulb from my bag. “Is she doing okay?” I whispered back to Felix, even though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

He shook his head. “She’s having a really hard time.”

I didn’t know what else to say. I could have suggested some way to help her cope, but I couldn’t give any advice on that. I was much younger than her when Mama died, and Father… I didn’t exactly care that he died. Even if I remembered how I coped, I doubted it would work for her.

I sighed. “Get some food, fire’s ready,” I told Felix and tried to smile. “It’s good to see you again.”

He nodded and stood up. He went straight to Tinker and started whispering to her, but she just shook her head and kept looking through the random stuff in my bags. She was trying to attach a wire to the bulb, but it didn’t look like it was very easy for an earth pony to do.

I don’t know why, but I decided to go sit by her. Felix plopped down by the fire and pulled out some food from sand-filled bags while Seer climbed back out of the riverbed, apparently taking watch without even bothering to announce it. Charmer just stared at the fire as the light gleamed across her now un-bandaged skin. It was a tad creepy of a sight, but she didn’t seem too upset by it. Not exactly the reunion I expected, but it still felt pretty normal.

“What’re you working on?” I asked Tinker quietly as I watched her try to work. She didn’t answer and just kept trying to wrap the wire around two little pegs on the bottom of the bulb. “Do you need any help?” I tried to sound helpful, or at least caring, but I wasn’t exactly experienced in helping ponies get over sad things.

“No, I’m okay,” she replied quietly, seeming to have difficulty pushing the wire around with her hoof.

“Are you sure? I could give you some pointers,” I offered with a little grin.

“You know how ta connect wires?” She didn’t look up to me when she asked, and sounded almost lifeless while she spoke, but it was better than silence.

“No, but I used to work on little things with my hooves a lot.” Even if I hadn’t done it in years and probably couldn’t remember how. “It was a hobby.”

“Okay,” Tinker finally agreed and passed the pieces over. “I just need to get this wire around one pin.”

I nodded and looked it over for a second. “Well, they’re too close together for a hoof to push it through, so we could use something else to push it for us,” I suggested with a little grin. I looked over at my bag and grabbed a bobby pin. “Like this.” I put the pin in my teeth and used it to wind the wire carefully around one pin, then passed it over to the filly again. “Does that work?”

“Yeah.” She still didn’t sound any happier.

“So, what else do we need?” I asked as I looked over the supplies.

“Um… I don’t know. I should get some food though.” She set down the bulb and the wire and trotted to the fire to sit beside Felix.

Welcome back everyone.

I couldn’t sleep.

Charmer passed out pretty quick and didn’t say much. She never even left the fire. She just stared at it, lost in the dancing of the flames until they went out and she fell asleep. I don’t know what she thought about as she sat there, but I can’t imagine it was something she enjoyed. She’d lost everything to fire, including a large part of herself. Not just on the outside either, even I had noticed something different about the way she acted. I just hoped I wasn’t the only one.

I wanted the old Charmer back. The Charmer that mocked me and tricked bandits by swaying her hips. The pony that had laughed with Strike…

The pony I would never see again. I only knew her for a few days, but she was still so much different now that everything was gone. I still had that necklace in my bag too. Maybe it would help her, but I didn’t think it would. If anything it would remind her that she’d lost Strike, a pony who obviously loved her and who she loved. And it would remind her that she might never feel that way again.

I looked away from her and to Felix. He was curled up with Tinker, the two children holding each other and peacefully sleeping. I didn’t care about that anymore. A week ago I would have freaked out about Felix getting that close with a filly, but now I envied it. I used to do that with him on nights I was scared. The night Father had started his sick acts with me I’d done exactly what Tinker was now; staying close with him just to feel safe and cared for. He was probably doing the same.

And that left me and Seer. She was on watch, and I was laying in the sand staring at the sleeping equines around me. I don’t think it was just because I was distracted with thoughts of what we’d all lost since I left, that was just my most recent thoughts. No, my sleeplessness was the result of everything that had happened to me since leaving Stable 81, and Minx.

I sighed and stood up, deciding that if I couldn’t sleep I may as well let Seer get some rest. I strapped on my holster and jumped out of the riverbed, trotting to Seer’s side quietly. She was just sitting there, staring out at the Wasteland. She didn’t even react when I trotted up to her.

“You can get some sleep, I’ll take watch,” I told her plainly.

“Are you sure you can do that?” she asked and looked over at me. “Or are you still distracted?” I didn’t bother to answer, because I had a feeling she would know if I lied about it. “Have a seat Shayle. Tell me what’s bothering you now.”

I huffed and did as she said, plopping down by her side and looking into the night. “It’s Minx.”

“Still the dream?”

“No, it was actually her this time. She met me outside the Stable,” I explained and shook my head. “She said that Xion ordered her to tail us.”

Seer spun her head to me and sighed. “He doesn’t trust us.”

“That’s what Minx said too.”

“And why does that bother you?”

“That isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me is that I had a chance to shoot her and I didn’t,” I groaned. “She didn’t even flinch either. She actually encouraged me to do it.”

The zebra glared at me and hissed. “Why would you want to kill her?”

“Oh, I don’t know Seer. Maybe because she helped burn down Shanty. Or maybe it was because she told me that she’s the one who shot Little Doc?” I snapped back. “Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same.”

“I wouldn’t.” She didn’t even hesitate to answer; it was as if she knew I would say that.

“Then what would you do?”

“I would ignore it. She was following orders like always, and maybe someday she’ll regret it.”

“Maybe? What do you mean maybe? How could she not regret it?” I asked viciously. “She killed a filly! Is that some kind of routine for her?”

“Shayle, that isn’t the first time Minx has been told to kill innocents before.” She shook her head and looked back to the Wasteland. “I told you I drink with her a lot in Caesar’s Stand, and every time I do she has some story about how she was ordered to kill a foal, or shoot a single mother, or blow up a caravan. And every single time it’s because they’re ponies and Xion decided they were going to die.”

“Then why doesn’t he do it himself?” I asked. “She can just say no, right?”

“No, she can’t.” Seer quickly snapped at me. “She’s a soldier, and sometimes they have to do things they don’t like without questioning it. True, most of them aren’t told to kill civilians, but that’s what she does now. She’s done it enough that Xion knows she’ll pull the trigger no matter what, so it’s her job now. If he says it, she’ll kill it, no questions asked.”

She sighed and took a deep breath. “So take some solace in that. If Xion wanted us dead, we’d already be dead. Just be glad he only told her to follow us.”

I nodded and fell silent, taking in everything I’d been told. So maybe I jumped the gun on wanting to kill Minx. Maybe I didn’t. I still couldn’t tell. It still felt like something I should do, even if it’s just to make sure Xion won’t have his personal hitzebra to kill whoever he didn’t like. But at the same time I almost felt bad for her, and wondered if she’d ever been forced to kill someone she loved.

I sighed and calmly spoke up again. “That still doesn’t explain why I couldn’t kill her.”

“Because she has a cloak?” Seer suggested with a cocked eyebrow.

“No, that wouldn’t have mattered. She just stood there as I held the gun to her head, didn’t even blink.” I tried to explain it, but I just couldn’t find the right way to describe how I felt. “I just… I couldn’t pull the trigger. No matter how hard I tried it just wouldn’t pull back until she had disappeared again.”

“Maybe you could tell she wasn’t a bad zebra,” Seer suggested with a semi-serious look. “Or maybe it’s something else. Maybe she reminds you of someone from your past, somebody you lost?”

“I’ve only ever lost my mother, and Minx is nothing like how I remember Mama,” I replied matter-of-factly. “She would never kill a filly just because someone told her to.”

“Then I don’t know how to help you Shayle,” she finished with a sigh and stood up. “Maybe you should talk to Minx about it, because obviously there’s something about her you need to deal with. Oh, and try not to shoot at her.” With that, the zebra trotted back to camp and jumped into the riverbed, leaving me on watch like I’d asked. Great.

I don’t even know why I told Seer any of that. I constantly told myself I hated her, and that I couldn’t trust her ever since she tried to trick me into sleeping with Iredi, and yet I was still opening up to her with any problem I seemed to have. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to bother the others with my problems, or maybe it was because she seemed to force me into telling her, but either way it was weird. I didn’t trust her but I did at the same time. What was wrong with me?

I shook the thought from my head and looked back out on the desert. My eyes drifted over to flashing lights among the towers of New Oatleans. Apparently somebody was fighting there, Remnant and Ponies blasting at each other with everything they had for a city that looked like it could barely stand. I wondered if there was something important in there, something they both wanted but could never get as long as the other side was fighting them for it. Maybe one day I’d find out, but I hoped I wouldn’t. Going into a fight like that didn’t seem like something I wanted to do, especially not since I had to take care of Felix.

I just watched the lights for a while, wondering how long it would take for the fighting to stop for the night. It didn’t slow down though, and I actually thought that maybe the fighting never ended there. It seemed ridiculous, but I didn’t know anything about warfare or big fights. Maybe they wouldn’t stop until one side was wiped out entirely, civilians and all.

I didn’t know.

Once again, nothing happened on the zebra side of the river. Our walk was long, peaceful, and boring. Tinker stayed pretty close to Felix while we walked, Seer once again took the lead, Charmer stayed in the middle near the young ones, and I was left to follow behind. Part of me almost wanted a fight to break out, but mostly I hoped nothing would happen. I was weighed down by the giant bags filled with supplies on either side of me, and knew that trying to jump away from an explosive or move quickly in a gunfight was never going to happen with the extra weight.

And of course Tinker had to make a joke about it. I was surprised it was her at first, especially since she had seemed sad ever since we met back up at the camp, but I let it go. She was just trying to cheer herself up a little, even if it didn’t seem to work so well with how fast she fell silent again.

Why do I have to be in the back?

Because ya have a big butt to block all the bullets.

I was the only one that didn’t laugh.

“Okay, who’s coming back with me?” Seer asked once we reached our little shack again.

I sighed with relief and dropped the heavy bags from my back to stretch, glad to finally be able to rest. “I’ll stay here with Charmer and Tinker, Felix will go back with you,” I answered calmly.

“No.” I stopped and turned to see Felix looking at me sternly. “I’ll stay with Charmer and Tinker, you can go back to Caesar’s Stand.”

I cocked a brow and grumbled. “Felix, it’s safer in town.”

“So? Charmer has a shotgun, and I can use your pistol,” he continued to argue. “We’ll be plenty safe.”

The others all backed away a few steps as I glared and stomped forward. “This isn’t a discussion Felix. You’re going back.”

“No I’m not,” he countered and pressed his forehead against mine, trying to push me back. “I want to stay here.”

“And I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“So leave your gun! I know how to shoot.”

“That won’t stop you from getting shot.”

“But at least it’ll let me fight back!” he shouted and kicked a hoof into my chest, pushing me away. “I’m not a little kid! Dad taught me to shoot, just let me use the gun!”

“No! You’re too young to fight,” I continued, trying desperately to get him to understand that he’d be better off in Caesar’s Stand where it was safe.

“No I’m not. I already helped Seer while you were gone, and I’m fine.”

I froze and turned my gaze to Seer for a moment before looking back at him. “That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. You’re not staying here.”

“Shayle, just let him stay,” Charmer broke in quietly. “I promise I’ll keep him safe, okay? Besides, we haven’t really had a chance to talk with everythin’ that’s happened.”

I sighed and looked at Charmer, but stopped before I could argue with her. I could see that she wasn’t going to give up, and neither was Felix. Seer was indifferent and had retreated outside to wait for whoever was going to leave with her, and Tinker had taken up a spot leaning against my brother. So I was alone, and officially the only one that cared about keeping my own brother safe.

“Fine.” I pulled the pistol from my holster and dropped it in the dirt between us. “But only this once,” I huffed and stormed outside, trotting by Seer. “Let’s go.”

“Oh great, I get the grumpy one tonight,” she commented slyly and fell in line beside me. A few minutes later she bit down on my tail and spun me around. “Hey, lighten up on Felix, okay?”

“Ow! What do you mean?” I groaned.

“I mean stop telling him he’s too young to do things. He’s seen things in the past few days that most of us would rather never see.”

“Seer, he’s 12.”

“And in the last week he’s watched Doc die, saw what slavers do to foals, comforted a filly who lost everything she cared about, and is travelling with a pony who is burned over half her body. You don’t think that might make him a bit more mature than the average colt?” she asked sternly.

“Maybe it does, but maybe it means he should stay in town. If he wasn’t the only one with us with any kind of medical skill, I would make him stay in Caesar’s Stand.”

“You would do that? Force your own brother to stay caged up in a little town while you went out into a place where you could die at any time?” she snapped. “And you don’t think that would hurt him in any way? He just wants to help.”

“I don’t care! He’s all I have left Seer, and I will not lose him,” I hissed and stepped away from her, continuing back to Caesar’s Stand. How could she even question me about trying to keep my own brother safe? I just didn’t want to lose my last family, the only one I had left who ever cared for me. Without him I would have nothing.

“Fine, whatever you say,” I barely heard Seer growl behind me.

A trio of lights flickered ahead of me, and I almost died on the spot as Xion and two of his soldiers materialized only a few feet in front of me. The only one missing was Minx.

“Good evening Shayle,” the psycho greeted me warmly. “Would you and Seer please join me and my troops for a drink? We’d really enjoy some female company.”

“Yeah, sure,” I replied in a strained tone.

For a moment I almost thought I had a choice.

“Does it feel okay?”

“I don’t know… I can’t really feel it,” Charmer replied softly as she flexed her leg.

I was trying to see if the burned skin would be a problem for her. I pushed on it, poked it with sharp things, I even tried cutting it a little. She couldn’t feel a thing. It was as if the potions and magic that Doc used had given her the skin and damaged tissues, but none of the nerves. I guessed it could be a good thing, but we feel pain for a reason, and if she had some kind of issue and didn’t know because of the burns…

“So, nothing at all?” I asked again.

“No, nothin’. Just a little pressure when ya get close to the edges.” She sighed and pulled her leg back under her chest to lie down. “It’ll be fine Felix, Doc did a good job.”

“I know, I just… I wish she was here to help. I don’t know half of what she did,” I explained weakly, wishing I hadn’t brought her up at all.

“I know ya do buddy, I do too,” she assured me softly. “You should go get some sleep with Tinker. I’ll stay by the door in case anyone trips her little trap.”

I nodded and looked over to the cans lying across the doorway, glad that the filly had been able to make them again despite her constant sadness. I had tried to cheer her up, but it just didn’t seem to work at all. The only thing I could do was hold her at night so she wouldn’t have such bad dreams, but during the day nothing I tried helped her at all. There were little moments where she would smile or laugh, but they were short lived. I’d have to get used to it, because after losing her home like that I doubted she’d get over it soon, if at all. If I thought that before, it was foolish of me to even consider.

“You okay Tinker?” I asked her gently and lay down beside her, setting Shayle’s pistol in the dirt a few inches away; just in case.

She was across the room from Charmer, trying to stay as far from the door as she could just in case something bad did happen. I think she was still afraid that the slavers were going to come back for her, and I didn’t blame her. She just shook her head in response to me as I expected and wiggled in to hold me.

I rubbed a hoof up and down her back, trying to gently send her to sleep in my hooves and hoping that no nightmares would fill her mind. “You’ll be okay,” I whispered to her, hoping that she would at least try to believe it.

The filly sniffled softly and pulled herself closer, pressing her head into my shoulder as tears started to fill her eyes. “No I won’t.”

“Yes you will. We’ll make sure nothing happens to you,” I continued to assure her.

“I already lost Mama and Papa,” she sobbed into me. “You couldn’t stop that.”

That gave me pause for a second, because what could I say to it? She was already hurting, so how could I promise her it would go away?

“I know, but I can make sure you don’t lose anything else,” I promised her, even if it wasn’t really the best thing to promise. Especially not in the Wasteland. “Anything you care about, you won’t lose any of it.”

The filly looked up from my chest and sniffed. “Really?”

I nodded and grinned. “Really.”

I don’t know what I was expecting her to do after I made that promise I probably shouldn’t have made, but it definitely wasn’t what she did. Her lips were soft and warm, and they felt good against mine. I’d never actually kissed a filly before, the closest I’d gotten was Doc’s kiss on the cheek (because this was a perfect time to bring that up), but it felt great.

The only problem was that I didn’t know what to do, so I just froze until her lips broke away from mine, expecting either Charmer to start making some cutesy noise, or Shayle to burst through the wall and punt me to Caesar’s Stand.

I’m glad neither happened.

Footnote: No Level Ups Earned.

Author’s Note: Another huge thanks to Kkat and Somber for writing their stories. They’re both what got me writing this, and I love the universe they’ve created. Thank you as well to my pre-readers and everyone else who helps me with continuity and pointing out any mistakes I make in the story. I couldn’t do it without you guys, and I only hope that this story continues to be entertaining to you as well as my readers. On top of that, thank you to every one of you who read this and keep me writing. I love that I’ve somehow managed to entertain you all and keep you coming back for more, and I hope that I can continue to keep you interested in Shayle and Felix’s tale.
And this chapter gives a special Thank You to Doomande and Rattlesire. This is the first new chapter since getting the awesome cover art that Rattlesire drew up. I absolutely love it, and cannot thank him enough for making it. The same goes to Doomande, who was awesome enough to surprise me by commissioning Rattlesire to draw it for me. Both of them are awesome people who have my eternal thanks.