I Love You, Princess Luna
by DontWannaKnow
Chapters
Prologue
Princess Luna gazed upward, taking a moment to admire her work; she was probably the only one who would. The moon was full and the stars shone bright, each one carefully placed into a mural of constellations. She closed her eyes and delved deep into her memories. It was hard sometimes to recall a specific one, to find a single drop in the ocean of a life that spanned millennia. This particular one, however, easily came to mind.
Once upon a time, there was a pony who would look up at the sky with her. Once upon a time, there was a pony who loved her nights. Once upon a time, there was a pony who loved her. Luna cursed her immortality, wishing with all her soul that she could have followed him to the grave. But no, he was dead and gone, and only her heart had died with him. In the two thousand years since, she’d become cold. Nopony loved her, and she desired no love. In the end, love only brought pain, and she wanted nothing to do with it. At least that’s what she told herself. It was a lie.
The ache was undeniable. Her broken heart cried out for something, anything, even just a friend. Aside from her sister, who had little spare time due to her royal duties, she had nopony. Who could love her anyway? Who could forgive her for the evil she had so foolishly perpetrated?
Who could love Nightmare Moon?
Last Thoughts
I love you, Princess Luna. I don’t care that you’ll never know. Maybe my actions have said what I never could. It was my duty, but I hope with every fiber of my being that you realize it meant so much more to me. I love your benevolent heart. I love your fiery independence. It’s funny that if you’d had your way, I wouldn’t be here right now. I love how irritated you were when your sister insisted you take four of her own guards with you for your visit to Ponyville. You are a free spirit, and that is beautiful. I volunteered because I know they’re out there…the ignorant, the malcontented, those who still fear you. I love your sister as well, but only in the sense that she is a kind and wise ruler. You are kind and wise too, yet as different from Celestia as night is from day. I had to stifle my laughter when the two of you argued. In the end you decided not to let pride get the better of you, and that is wise. I’m such an ordinary pony, and the fact that you gave one such as I the opportunity to serve you is kind.
I wish I could tell you about myself, because your eyes seem to want to know me now. I was a carpenter before I joined the royal guard. My armor covers my cutie mark, but it is a hammer and nail, simple as that. Maybe you’ll see when they take my mantle off. I built houses, gazebos, tables…I built a credenza once, I think, but I’m not sure because I don’t really know what a credenza is. I wish I’d looked that up. I always thought I'd have time for those little things. My life was simple and unremarkable, and so I was honored to be deemed worthy of serving the royal family.
At first I was infatuated with Celestia’s brilliance and poise, but they told me every guard goes through that phase. Then I began to notice you…so strong, yet so sad. I could see the guilt in your eyes. I can see it now as you smile down at me. Such a sad smile. Please do not shed a tear for me, my princess; you’ve shed so many already. I’ve heard your muted sobs in the dead of night. I’ve seen your tears fall as you carefully craft a sky that so few will take note of. You are so cold and yet so lovely. Many a time I wished with all my soul that I could go to you, that I could comfort you, but duty binds us to guard your mortal shell, not your heart. I hope that one day you find somepony who will save you. I hope one day you feel the happiness you deserve to feel. In time they will all see you for who you are, and they will all love you. We all make mistakes, some greater than others, but we all make them and we all deserve forgiveness, and none more so than you, my princess.
Do not cry for me, Princess Luna, for today is the greatest day of my humble life. It began as any other day. I awoke in the guard’s quarters and ate a Spartan breakfast. If I’d known it was my last meal I might have indulged a bit more, but then again I might not have. I did my best to comb my mane and rub away the bags under my eyes. I did my best to look strong, to be silent, and to bear the façade of sameness that is the duty of the guard.
When I had the chance to accompany you on your royal business, I had to check myself. I have trouble taking my eyes off of you, and today I needed to be vigilant. I needed to protect you. Like I said, they are out there…those that will not forgive. They are fools and cowards for the most part. I never counted on seeing a brave one. I never counted on an action so brazen. I never counted on it, but prepared for it nonetheless, and I’m so glad I did.
All but one bowed before you, and I knew something was wrong. He stood defiant, his eyes those of a zealot about to do something foolish. Time slowed down as I dove. It was surreal and yet I’ve never felt so alive, so filled with purpose. I’d never felt so much pain as when that crackling bolt hit me, that evil spell that was meant for you. My whole world went white hot and everything was shattered. I think I cried out. I didn’t want to. I wanted to maintain my stoicism even in that moment. I wanted to be strong for you, but I cried out like an injured foal. It is one of my few regrets that you will allow the thought of my pain to burden you. I know you will because you are kind, yet I know you will not let it get the better of you because you are wise. I know even now as my brothers in arms restrain the fool who did this that you will be merciful, because that is your way.
I believe in destiny now. I was born to die. Every day of my life was leading up to this one glorious moment in which I was given the privilege of saving you. Maybe they will give me a hero’s funeral, but aside from this one thing I have done there will be little to say. I did not live an extraordinary life, but I do not regret that. As I said, I have few regrets. I do not regret that I never told you how I feel; your life is complicated enough and it would have been a disservice to you. I do not regret my death, for I died for the greatest of causes: honor and love. Maybe in the next life and the next world we can be together, and I can care for you in all the ways I have wished I could. No, my single greatest regret is that I can only die for you once.
I love you, Princess Luna. Goodbye.
Journal
Luna sat upon her bed, baffled and terrified by the events of the day. An assassin? They really did hate her; they really would not forgive. To the public, she was still Nightmare Moon, and a pony had died for it. She could not comprehend why he had so willingly sacrificed himself. Who would want to save Equestria’s hated princess?
Luna spent the rest of the day wallowing in self-hatred. She’d asked not to be disturbed, but was almost grateful when somepony came knocking at her chambers. Her sister probably wanted to check on her. She slowly rose from her bed and shuffled over to the door, her head hung low, her body aching with misery. She took a moment to steel herself and look normal before answering; she didn’t want Celestia to know how much this ordeal had really gotten to her.
It wasn’t her sister, but one of the night guards. He bowed low before speaking. “He…he was a friend of mine your highness. He wanted you to have this.” The guard withdrew from his bag a large black book and placed it at Luna’s feet. As he bid her goodnight and rushed away, she could’ve sworn she saw tears in his eyes. So much pain, and it was all her fault. She closed the door and wandered back to bed, levitating the book in front of her. Why had one of Celestia’s guards left her a book?
It soon became clear to her that this was no ordinary book. As Luna skimmed through the pages, she realized that it was a journal. She noticed her name cropping up again and again and it piqued her curiosity. In any case, the poor thing had died for her, so if he wanted her to read it, then she supposed she owed him that. Luna set the diary down on her pillow and opened to the first page.
I can no longer keep my feelings bottled up like this. It is rending my heart and I must have release. Maybe these pages will give it to me.
It was a short and cryptic first entry, and Luna was now intrigued in earnest. She turned the page.
Night watch. At the tower. Again. Sometimes I think the universe has a sick sense of humor. Then again sometimes I think fate is trying to tell me something. I hate it when this happens. Not because I do not wish to do my duty, but because of her. Night after night I must watch her despair, knowing I can do nothing to assuage it. I suppose it is fitting that one lonely heart guard another. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but I know deep down I am not worthy. Beautiful Luna, I love you so.
At these words Luna was taken aback. This pony had feelings for her? Was this why he had laid down his life so readily in her defense? She turned to the next entry.
She walked by me today. Now I can’t get her off my mind. She was so close I could’ve reached out and touched her. Yet I stood silent. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or being a fool. I wanted to embrace her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to tell her how I felt. I wanted to do something, anything, but I stood silent.
Yes of course it was the right thing to do…how could I have even questioned that? How could I for one second think myself worthy of a princess? No. I am a pony, she is a goddess, and we can never be together. Even if I did say something what am I expecting? For her to fall head over heels in love for me? That we live happily ever after? No. Even if all my dreams came true in the end I would still have to leave her when my time comes. Pain, that’s all I would cause her in the end.
I am a guard of the royal family, and I must do my duty, even if it means hurting inside. The princesses are my charges, and nothing more. To say something would be selfish and pointless. She is the goddess of the night; she could never love me.
“You don’t know that…” Luna whispered. She closed the journal and held it against her chest. “You don’t know that…”
-----
When Luna awoke that night, she was still cradling the black book. Suddenly she realized how late it was and that she had to raise the moon. She brought the journal with her to the watchtower and after fulfilling her nocturnal obligations somewhat hastily she began to read again. The next entry was a poem.
Lovely beacon in the night,
Radiating fractured light,
Lick my wounds and taste delight,
Shining you come closer to me.
Chase your gleam into the dark,
In the distance but a spark,
On my heart you've left your mark,
Shining through the night you lead me.
Drawing closer as I long,
To touch your light, but something's wrong,
Your darkling glow is not as strong,
Dimmer in the dusk before me.
Terrified I back away,
Your gentle touch commands I stay,
Once you were as bright as day,
Flickering so faint before me.
Now you hold me close my dear,
Swallowing my pain and fear,
Together for one moment here,
With one last glint you disappear.
“So you were a poet, too…” Luna’s eyes were tearing up. It was beautiful. Written below it was a single sentence.
I love you, Princess Luna.
And somewhere deep within her, something stirred.
-----
Night after night, Princess Luna read the guard’s journal, and night after night the frost which had so long covered her heart began to melt as she sifted through the thoughts of a soul that longed for love. They were so much alike, yet so different, and maybe this difference was why he believed they could never have been together. Through pages of musings, poetry, and art, she came to know this pony. He too, had loved and lost. He too had made his mistakes.
The journal had begun as a place for his thoughts and feelings, but over the years it evolved into something sad: a tribute to a love he knew he’d never have. His longing for her was ever present, and as his words kept her company in the lonely dead of night, she could not help but long for him. One night Luna came upon another poem.
It was about her.
The Poem
Beneath the moon and shining stars there stands a mare I love,
Her lovely eyes look towards the skies crafting heavens up above,
So cold, alone and sad is she,
I wish that she would notice me,
My dearest wish will always be
To join her midnight reverie…
Princess Luna had to look away from the page for her heart could bear no more. She cursed fate. She had spent so many nights longing for somepony to love, somepony to hold tight and be with. He had been there all along, silent and somber, pining for her. She hated herself. This was her fault. That spell had been meant for her. She wished with all her heart that she had been the one to die, not this beautiful soul. He really was beautiful. Luna was so used to being royalty that she often hardly thought of her servants as individual ponies. Most of the time they were just the cogs and springs in the well-oiled machine that was Canterlot Castle. Yet there among them, unbeknownst to her, had been a kind and wonderful pony. He had been an artist, a philosopher, and a poet -- a truly unique individual who wanted nothing more than to be with her. He had so much love to give, love that she yearned for night after dark night.
Luna closed the journal, not wanting her tears to stain its cherished pages. She left her suite and made for the guards’ quarters. The palace was silent; her only companions were the sentries on duty. Everypony else was fast asleep.
The entrance to the guards’ living quarters was narrow and unremarkable, hidden at the back of the castle. Inside, the beautiful, polished look that adorned the rest of the palace faded away into walls of grey stone and simple wooden doors. His room was not hard to find, for upon it hung a wreath of roses placed there by the other guards. In the center was a posthumously awarded Celestial Star of Valor, the highest honor in the Equestrian military.
When Luna opened the door, she was shocked at how small the room was, and how little there was inside of it. Nothing but a cot and a small desk with a lantern on it.
“So, this is where you lived…” she breathed into the dark. She went over to look at the desk, lighting the lantern with a quick bit of magic. On it were scattered various papers, everything from official reports to drawings. One of them caught her eye. It was of her, standing at the watchtower, her eyes toward the sky. Every little detail was correct; she even recognized a particular sky that she had created. She never forgot her skies, and this had been one of her favorites.
“And you noticed,” she whispered again, wiping away a few tears. She turned from the desk and went over to inspect the cot. It was a far cry from her plush mattress. How could one live with so little? Luna laid down upon it. It was terribly uncomfortable.
Luna removed the guard’s journal from her satchel. There was an inkwell and a worn out quill on the floor next to the cot, so she figured he must have done much of his writing in this very spot. She opened the book and picked up where she had left off. She was determined to read the whole thing even if it broke her heart.
Beneath the moon and shining stars there stands a mare I love,
Her lovely eyes look towards the skies crafting heavens up above,
So cold, alone and sad is she,
I wish that she would notice me,
My dearest wish will always be
To join her midnight reverie.
I wish that I could go to her and hold my princess tight,
To love and laugh and dream beside the goddess of the night,
But duty binds my hooves to stay,
Together, we can’t be that way,
I hope with all my being someday,
She’ll find one to take her heart away.
“It could have been you…I wish it had been you.”
Luna finished the poem and moved on to the next entry, and then the next. At long last she came to the end, the last thing he’d ever written.
I’m going with her to Ponyville today! Princess Celestia insisted that Princess Luna take four of her guards with her when she goes to make her speech. I volunteered and after some…negotiating…between the two of them, she agreed to take me and my brothers. I’m practically giddy, but I have to get my head out of the clouds. I must be vigilant. Nothing is more important than my princess and her safety. Nothing. Thank you Princess Luna, I will not fail you. Thank you for this honor.
And that was all. He was no more, and there was nothing she could do about it. She laid her head down on his pillow, imagining him being there with her as she closed her eyes.
“No, my love,” she whispered as the lantern’s light died, “thank you.”
On My Honor
Luna sighed contentedly as she drifted across the sky, the light nighttime breeze playing with her mane. It felt good to stretch her wings. Sometimes she stayed cooped up in the castle so long that she forgot how wonderful the outside world was and how exhilarating it was to fly – such a simple thing it was, but it helped her clear her mind.
Below her, Ponyville was silent. There were only a few lights on as the clock neared midnight. For once, she didn’t particularly care that nopony would be looking up at her sky…she had been preoccupied for the last few days and it was not her best work; the moon was not particularly bright, nor were the haphazardly placed stars.
-----
At last Luna saw the all-too-familiar sight she was looking for. The graveyard was still as death. Though her beloved guard had lived at the castle in Canterlot for most of his career, he had been born and raised in Ponyville. It was therefore fitting that he should be buried there. The Princess circled a few times before her searching eyes found the small family plot she was looking for. As she landed gracefully in front of it, she noted how small and unremarkable most of the headstones were. They were simple graves for simple ponies. All but one. In the center, atop freshly-laid turf, stood a great statue of a royal guard, adorned with numerous bouquets and wreaths of flowers, some so fresh they might have been placed there that day. Here was the final resting place of the one who loved her.
HERE LIES A GREAT HERO
MAY CELESTIA REST HIS SOUL
She supposed it was a fitting engraving; he had been Celestia’s guard, not one of her own. Yet he had been loyal to her, she knew that now. Luna wished for what seemed like the thousandth time that he had said something, anything, and yet at the same time she was proud of him. He placed honor and duty above his own desires, something she had once regrettably failed to do.
Therein was the thought that had left Luna so crestfallen. This was her fault, her failure. It was her selfishness that had created Nightmare Moon, and it was Nightmare Moon who had turned her subjects against her. If she hadn’t made them hate her so vehemently, nopony would still be trying to kill her, and nopony would have needed to sacrifice himself for her. Luna felt tears beginning to well up, but she did not allow herself to cry. He would not have wanted that.
She knelt in front of the grave. “I know now why you did it, why you saved me.” She felt a bit foolish speaking to a headstone, but it also felt right in a strange way. “I wanted to tell you that I know you now, and I feel the same way. I truly do. You were a great pony. If only I had been more like you so long ago, maybe things would be different now. I am so grateful; you saved my life, but more than that you saved my heart. I didn’t think anypony could love me, and you proved me wrong. I just wish you could be here to rub it in…” she smiled.
“I made another visit to Ponyville yesterday,” the princess went on, “but nobody tried to kill me this time,” she allowed herself a little chuckle. “Tia made me take even more guards. I wish you could have been among them. I made that speech I was supposed to make the day you…well, you know. It went well. I believe the public is slowly warming up to me, and I don’t know if I deserve it. I think it’s partly your doing. They all saw you save me, and maybe in doing so you told them that I am something worth saving. I hope that’s true.”
“I have a gift for you,” Luna continued, tears brimming in her eyes. She opened her satchel and withdrew a bouquet of deep red roses. “I know they’re your favorite; you said so in your journal. I read all of it, I hope you don’t mind. There are so many things I want to say, but I know not whether you can hear me. Still, I shall say them anyway."
"You once wrote that you believed me to be kind and wise. You once wrote that you thought I was beautiful. Coming from a pony like you, no greater a compliment could there be. I am not sure if I truly am all these things, but I shall take your word for it. I shall take your word for it and tell you that you were…no, you are kind and wise as well. Kind, wise and beautiful in life and in death. But do not worry my love, for you live on in my heart, and I shall never forget you. I shall remember you always, and I shall strive to be the Luna you believed me to be; this I swear upon my honor.” The dark alicorn closed her eyes for a moment, hoping for a response – a fool’s hope.
Suddenly the night air grew warm. The breeze picked up, and the princess could have sworn, could have sworn with all her heart that it whispered to her.
Luna…
Epilogue
“Where do you think they go, Tia?” Luna asked her sister as they both looked up at the sky she was carefully crafting.
“I don’t know, little sister, but nopony ever truly goes away as long as they are remembered.” Princess Celestia responded, putting a wing over Luna and pulling her close.
“Wherever he is, do you think he’ll see it?” the younger alicorn wondered hopefully.
“Luna, why are there stars?” Celestia posed the cryptic question.
“You mean what mother used to say? That there’s a star for every pony who leaves this world? I’d like to think it’s true…”
“He’s up there Luna, and he will see it. Who knows, he may even be part of it.”
“Thanks, Tia.” Luna embraced her older sister. There were tears in both their eyes now.
“Of course, little sister. Now, I must go to bed, and you must finish the sky.” With that, Celestia took her leave.
For a long time Luna simply stared upwards, moving each star with delicate care into position to complete her mural. Maybe each one really was somepony…maybe her beloved guard was up there, looking down upon her. At last, the final star was put in place and Luna laid down to rest on the cold stone floor of the watchtower, gathering her thoughts. It was a new moon that night. She had made sure to wait for a moonless night so that her astral artwork would be the brightest thing in the sky. Luna closed her eyes, hoping to feel that warm breeze again, to hear that whisper. Yet nothing came. At length she stood again. Looking up at her work, she spoke:
“I hope…no…I know you can hear me, my love. You have bestowed upon me a great gift. I know now that I can love, and that I can be loved; in showing me this, you have given me more than I could ever wish for. I made this for you, I hope you like it. It is my greatest gift to you, though I fear I can never fully repay you for what you did. I’m so sorry that we couldn’t be together on this mortal plane, but we can always be together in the sky. I know that you would want me to move on, but I want you to know that no matter what, no matter where life takes me, there will always be a place for you in my heart. Goodnight my beloved, rest well.”
And up in the sky, painted in stars, was a beautiful mural. A white stallion with a hammer and nail cutie mark was running and laughing with an alicorn princess.
As Luna gazed on, a single star appeared right in the center of her lover’s eye and winked at her. She smiled as that star began to glow brightly, until it was brighter than all the rest. And that shining star glimmered beautifully until the break of dawn.