Wallflower's Rush
by Samey90
First published
Wallflower and her friends from the gardening club go to the Dunwich Bonsai Fair.
Wallflower and her friends from the gardening club go to the Dunwich Bonsai Fair with The Great Roberto, their prized bonsai tree. Seems like it's going to be a normal trip – as normal as a crowd of bonsai tree fanatics can be.
That is, until the clowns start showing up...
Set roughly in the same continuity as It's The End Of The World As We Know It and Dungeons and Dimwits, but actually self-contained.
Preread by hawthornbunny, FanOfMostEverything, Kirtai, and Krack-Fic Kai.
1. Wallflower Crash
To be honest, I never thought somebody would still use cassette recorders.
Well, I’m pretty sure it’s convenient, as it’s much harder to lose a cassette than a flash drive or a memory card, and probably losing those things would make people ask many difficult questions. Not to mention that these guys are probably underfunded. I bet they’ll write down my testimony and put it on a floppy disk or something like this.
Even though it’s the middle of the night, the woman who walks into the room is wearing sunglasses. She has long, ginger hair and for some reason, she’s carrying a holster attached to her belt. My long-time experience in video games tells me that it’s a Smith & Wesson Model 29, which tells me more than I need to know.
I ended up in a room with a goddamn Dirty Harry wannabe. And I’m just a schoolgirl.
Well, I apparently also killed someone with a bonsai tree, though my memories of this are rather hazy. I guess this won’t look good in court.
“Lieutenant Copper Top,” she says to the cassette recorder. “Saturday, June 8th. The interrogation of Ms. Wallflower Blush.” She turns to me. “I’d like to say that your partners in crime are already telling us the whole story and ratting you out, but I’m afraid their testimonies make no sense. You look like a reasonable girl. Will you tell me why you ended up in a car with ten million dollars stolen from the Dunwich bank and the corpse of a guy dressed as a clown?”
“It’s a long story,” I reply. “Also, shouldn’t I have a lawyer?”
“Your lawyer is on the way, though she’s currently banging her head against the wall after having to work with that blonde girl who tried to give us a Get Out of Jail Free card,” Copper Top replies.
“Do I also have the right to remain silent?” I ask.
“You do, but in your situation, it’s probably not advised.” Copper Top sighs. “One of your friends told us interesting things about an international conspiracy of bunnies, so we called the psychiatrist. If you want to feign insanity, you’d better be good.”
“Eh, you won’t believe me anyway,” I reply.
“I can believe a lot of things.” Copper Top lowers her sunglasses and looks at me. “For starters, who is this Great Roberto you’re working for and why did you bring him to Dunwich?”
“The Great Roberto is a bonsai tree.” I smile sheepishly. Really, I shouldn’t have done that. “Have you heard of Dunwich Bonsai Fair?”
“Of course, I live here.” She rolls her eyes. “Every year we get called because someone offended someone’s bonsai tree and it caused a riot that lasted for three days. Murdering a clown is, however, something new. What did the clown do to you?”
How would I know? I wasn’t quite myself at the time, though at least Roseluck managed to flush everything down the toilet before we got arrested. Also, I think we already found the clown like this, but I can’t remember it.
“Well…” I say. “It all started when Muffins wanted to steal a school bus…”
“I think I found a way to get The Great Roberto to Dunwich Bonsai Fair and back unscathed,” Roseluck says, walking into the shed in the school garden. She raises her eyebrows slightly, looking at the upturned wooden chest with some playing cards scattered on it – the remains of Muffins’ attempts to organise a poker night. “It’s definitely better than Muffins stealing the school bus.”
Well, there’s a lot of things better than Muffins stealing the school bus. That’s, like, literally everything that doesn’t get you arrested, expelled, or bound, gagged, and forced to watch Star Wars Holiday Special on repeat.
Muffins raises her hand in protest. “For the record, I didn’t actually steal the school bus, you know. Turns out, those things are guarded and you can’t really hotwire it.”
“Can you even hotwire a car?” I ask.
“I asked Indigo for advice, but it turns out it doesn’t work for a bus.” Muffins shrugs. “Maybe I should bring her next time. I mean, her sister ended up in prison for stealing a Pinto and blowing it up, though I guess the latter part would happen sooner or later.”
Arrested – check. Getting expelled or kidnapped by a freak with unusual taste in movies is up next, I guess.
“We’re not stealing a bus!” I shout. “After all, didn’t Rose mention she has a solution?”
“Finally someone who listens to me,” Roseluck says, opening the shed door with a loud creak. I’d oil the hinges, but at least it warns me when someone walks in without knocking. “Lily, what are you doing there?”
“Just, uhh, admiring the flowers.” A blonde girl with pinkish skin walks into the shed. She wears a white t-shirt and a pair of torn jeans, and she’s constantly throwing nervous glances around. Back when I was a kid, my parents would warn me against people offering me free drugs. Sadly, I never met any, but something about Lily tells me that she’d be one of them.“You don’t have any mice here?”
“No, but we can order some if you’re hungry,” Muffins says. “Also, hello, Roseluck’s friend. What brings you here?”
“Lily owns a van,” Roseluck replies. “And she uses it to transport flowers to the store, so The Great Roberto will be safe there.”
She has a van now? I bet it’s an unmarked white van from the nineties, perfect for robbing a bank, giving away free candy, or transporting the hapless debtors to their final resting spots. Hey, I actually have a few shovels in the shed, so I can contribute and be useful for once.
Lily blushes. “It’s a very good van. I mean, there are no bunnies hiding inside and it’s pretty fine, so I guess we can use it.”
“What was that part about bunnies?” Muffins asks. Yeah, I’d like to know too.
“Well, it does sound oddly specific,” I say, looking at Lily. “What’s up with bunnies and this van? Did you get it from a vet or something?”
Possibly with a large ketamine stash, I guess.
“Long story,” Roseluck says, unceremoniously elbowing Lily out of the way. “What’s your problem again?” she whispers.
“Well, there’ll be plenty of time to tell this story on the way,” Muffins says. “This, and many others.”
Oh, great. I’m not exactly the most sociable person around and I’d rather sleep the whole time than be forced to talk. Still, I won’t be able to sleep because of The Great Roberto. “I’m afraid I don’t have many stories to tell.”
“After we get to Dunwich Bonsai Fair, you will,” Muffins says. “It’s quite a long way, isn’t it?”
“Quite,” I reply. Really, don’t remind me. “I hope The Great Roberto will survive the trip.”
“Don’t worry, he’ll be safe with us.” Roseluck peeks outside to take a look at the bonsai tree in a pot. Not just any tree and not just any pot. It’s The Great Roberto and this pot wouldn’t be any more expensive if it was made of pure gold and we watered the plants in it with Jack Daniels. “He seems to be happy.”
“I mean, we haven't killed any bonsai tree yet, so it should be okay.” Muffins shrugs. “Though then, there’s always the first time. And it always comes at the most inconvenient moment.”
“Don’t even say that.” I shudder. “After we almost lost Phyllis… But at least she found a good home.”
Kind of. I’ve heard some wild gossip about Phyllis’ new owner being a fan of some cult leader from the 1960s, but well, nobody’s perfect.
“Question.” Lily raises her hand. “Do you name every single of your plants?”
“You don’t?” I ask before I can stop myself. Just when I thought I could be socially capable. “Wait, do I sound like a weirdo with no life again?”
“Remember that the person you’re talking to has some unresolved issues with bunnies,” Muffins says. “We’re all mad here.”
Do tell. Once we’re in Dunwich, I’m gonna be wheeled to the local asylum for ripping someone’s throat with my teeth during a heated discussion on bonsai trees. Then I’ll become a part of the school’s anthology of legends. Quite an improvement over not being noticed at all.
Damn, it’s probably not the right moment to say I’m looking forward to this trip. I mean, Lily looks kinda weird, but she’s Roseluck and Muffins’ friend, so she’s most likely fine.
Well, then I remember that they’re also friends with me, so a bit of a mixed message there.
Muffins’ voice snaps me back to reality. “Wally’s contemplating something again.”
“What?” I ask.
“You’re making that thinking face, like when you’re figuring out whether something is polite or not,” Muffins replies. “I often wonder what you’re thinking about.”
Ripping throats with my teeth, obviously. “Various things.” I smile. Guess it’s a pretty awkward smile because well, teeth. I really should stop thinking about this.
Roseluck nods. “So, are we good? We get Lily’s van and go to Dunwich?”
“Yes,” I reply before I have a chance to think about it. Still, I’ll probably spend the next week looking for excuses not to go, but that’s future Wallflower’s problem. The present Wallflower is way too excited by rare bonsai trees to care.
To think about it, that’s a slightly weird thing to get excited by.
Well, I was right. I did spend an entire week looking for excuses not to go.
After a while of pondering the situation, I decided to write down my excuses on a whiteboard conveniently lying around in my room and get rid of them.
For starters, Lily Valley is most definitely not a serial killer. I mean, not everyone who drives an unmarked white Ford Transit is some kind of a criminal. Besides, what are the chances a random high school girl with an interest in gardening is a serial killer? I mean, we have access to shovels, woodchippers, axes, and all sorts of things useful in getting rid of bodies, but come on. When was the last time you’ve heard of a gardener killing somebody?
To think about it, the chances of finding out the person sitting next to you in a white unmarked van is a serial killer are probably smaller than that someone brought a bomb onto your plane. Of course, if you’re into statistics, you can just bring your own bomb. What are the chances two guys brought bombs onto a plane?
Wait, it doesn’t mean I’m becoming a serial killer just to make sure Lily isn’t one. Also, woodchippers are terrible when it comes to getting rid of bodies. It’s hard enough when the body is in one place, even more so if it’s everywhere.
Not that I know, I swear.
I really should stop watching edgy anime before sleep. Or instead of sleeping.
No, Muffins is not a serial killer either.
Why did Lily say there are no bunnies in her van? I like bunnies and cute, fluffy things in general. This ban on bunnies is a bit weird, but well, we all have our little quirks. Or maybe she’ll feed us to bunnies? I’ve heard they can eat everything.
On second thought, those were pigs. Moving on.
The next thing on the whiteboard: I’ll make a fool of myself again. Well, most definitely with this attitude. But as Muffins said, we’re all mad here.
Step three: how do I install a new attitude?
Well, at least this didn’t bother me much. I solved it by practicing my social skills in some dating sims. If only I had dialogue options in real life; that’d be great.
But well, a week passed and I’m still no better. In the morning, I grab my backpack and, without much enthusiasm, I go to the bus stop where Muffins, Roseluck, and Lily are supposed to pick me up. I still have a chance to run away if anything goes wrong. But by now, I guess I can just enjoy the sunny weather.
Wait. Let’s hope Muffins doesn’t forget to put The Great Roberto in the shadow. And I really hope this van has AC. And that it has been cleaned recently. If not, any trace of fungi could lead to a potential disaster.
I hear the sound of an engine. I look up and of course, I see a white, unmarked Ford Transit. I just knew this would happen. The brakes screech as Lily pulls over and stops by me. Roseluck opens the door and waves at me.
“Hello,” she says. “Are you ready?”
Sure I am. Six million ways to die – choose one. Getting aboard a van full of weirdos may be an interesting choice.
On second thought, I immediately want to retreat. There are some cozy seats inside and The Great Roberto is safely seated in his expensive pot, but while I expected just Roseluck, Muffins, and Lily, there’s a fourth girl in there. She has light green, curly hair and pink skin, nicely complimented by her yellow dress.
“Hello,” she says. “You’re Wallflower, right? My name’s Daisy and I’m Lily’s cousin.”
“Umm… Nice to meet you,” I say. “W-what brings you here? Do you also like bonsai trees?”
“She pays for gas,” Lily replies, pushing the accelerator. I drop on the seat next to Muffins, who’s looking at something on her phone.
“Oh, hi Wally,” Muffins says. “Have you heard the new song by Trixie and the Illusions?”
“Not really.” I mean, I spent the last week with a whiteboard, dating sims, and a personal massager, so I probably have to catch up on the musical exploits of Trixie, whoever she is. “I mean, are they still a thing?”
“The rumours about them disbanding because Fuchsia Blush ate the last taco were greatly exaggerated,” Muffins replies, showing me her phone. “It’s called Vanishing Act. You’d like it.”
I take a look. Ah, so this is Trixie! She thinks being able to do magic tricks makes her special. You know, in a place where people randomly turn into demons or get magic stones that make people forget you’ve ever existed.
“Why’d they argue over a taco?” I ask, trying not to think that Lily and speed limits apparently don’t quite mix.
“I mean, you just don’t take the last taco without asking if someone doesn’t want it first,” Muffins replies. “Daisy, would you take the last taco without first asking Lily and Rose if they want it?”
“Nah,” Daisy replies. “I mean, when Lily has munchies, she eats all the tacos anyway.” She shrugs.
“Can you tell her to slow down, by the way?” I ask. “The Great Roberto and bumps don’t exactly mix, not to mention that I can feel every bump too.”
At least I don’t get motion sickness that easily. Guess the bumps don’t notice me, even if I notice them.
“That’s because you’ve never rode my bicycle,” Muffins replies. “And you never will because I don’t lend my bicycle, Flash Sentry, or my toothbrush to anyone. Unless I die, then you can have my bicycle, assuming it’s in one piece.”
“Also, it’s got the original suspension!” Lily exclaims.
“So it’s over twenty years old,” Roseluck replies. “Do you even repair this thing or just check which part we lose first?”
“I mean, if I ever end up playing chicken with an 18-wheeler, don’t bother trying to tell me and my bike apart, just shovel everything into the coffin. Or a shoebox.” Muffins shrugs.
“Rose, chill out,” Lily says, swerving to the right to avoid a collision with some crazy kid with a scooter. “Also, nothing ever will fall off this van. I had everything checked yesterday.”
“What is that red light on the dashboard?” I ask.
“Don’t worry, it’s broken,” Lily replies.
“To think about it, it’d be hard to do a Viking funeral with a bicycle,” Muffins says. “And don’t buy a boat just to burn it. I won’t be leaving you that much money.”
Six million ways to die. I guess Muffins already chose hers.
“What about a paddleboat?” Daisy asks. Oh great, she and Muffins are probably orbiting the same planet or something. “I mean, it’s technically a bicycle.”
“Is it?” I ask. “It has pedals, but no wheels or handlebar and it’s more of a boat, really.”
“But the idea is the same as a bicycle,” Daisy replies.
“It doesn’t really matter since burning a paddleboat is probably bad for the environment.” Muffins says, looking back at her phone.
Roseluck walks back to us after a heated discussion with Lily. “The good news is, we probably won’t lose any parts,” she says. “Still, if you want to place bets, Lily doesn’t have anything against it.”
“Five dollars for the left rear wheel.” Muffins smirks. “What about you, Wally?”
“I’d go with the fender,” Roseluck mutters. “Though we lost the door once, but only after we stopped and opened it.”
“Fender, then,” I say. I look through the window and see that we already left the town, driving down a narrow road in the middle of the forest, at a speed suggesting that Lily’s lifelong dream is to become a rally driver.
And, when it comes to fulfilling the lifelong dreams, she most definitely follows the “get rich or die tryin’” principle.
“What does she usually transport in this van?” I ask after a particularly large bump sends me flying, almost hitting my head on the ceiling. And mind you, I’m not very tall, so that’s quite a feat. “Potatoes?”
“Roses,” Roseluck replies. “They don’t mind.”
“I wouldn’t expect this from someone who has a weird obsession with bunnies.” Muffins shrugs. “I mean, she could give Indigo Zap a run for her money when it comes to crazy driving.”
“Is she the one who taught you how to hotwire a school bus?” I ask. The name most definitely rings a bell.
“Yeah,” Muffins replies. “You know, loud, short, sports fanatic… Similar to absolutely no one. You probably saw her.”
“You’ve just described half of the town.” I shrug. “The other half isn’t short.”
“True.” Muffins shrugs. Right on cue, I hear the screeching of the twenty-year-old brakes and almost fall out of my seat as we skid to a halt. At least The Great Roberto is safely attached to his seat with the seatbelts, so he doesn’t seem to mind. Which can’t be said about my collarbone.
“What the hell, Lily?” Roseluck yells, causing Daisy to squirm.
“There was something on the road,” Lily replies. “Like, uhh…” She shudders. “A bunny or something.”
“A bunny? Why not Gaea Everfree, while we’re at it?” Roseluck rolls her eyes. “I think we’re actually close to the camp.”
“I wouldn’t run over Gaea Everfree either.” Lily sighs. “And we’re far from the camp. Wait a minute, I gotta check if we didn’t hit something.”
“Too bad,” Muffins says. “I’d like to see how Gloriosa is doing. Wally, you’ve never met Gloriosa, right?”
Sigh. “I’ve been to that camp, you know? And yes, I’ve met Gloriosa, and I also got trapped by vines, spent twenty minutes hanging upside down, and then it took me a week to–”
“–recover from trauma?” Daisy asks.
“No, stop binge-watching every anime with tentacles I know.” I shrug. “Maybe it was a coping mechanism, I have no idea. Also, why does no one remember I was there?”
“Magic stones,” Muffins replies.
“Maybe.” I smile sheepishly.
Daisy furrows her eyebrows. “Wait, what do tentacles have to do with vines?”
I look at her. Sometimes I just don’t know whether someone is joking or not and this is a particularly tricky case. Especially since, when I look at Muffins, she seems just as confused as me.
“She was raised by goats, she doesn’t get it,” Lily says, getting back into the van.
“Goats?” Muffins asks. “Now that’s a new one. Usually, it’s wolves; unless you’re Tarzan, then it could be baboons for all we know.”
“Nah, my uncle and aunt just have a farm.” Lily turns the engine on and the van darts forward. “I think Daisy spent most of her childhood with goats.”
“And she’d never seen goats, uhh, making baby goats?” Muffins asks.
Well, thanks for the mental image. I guess I won’t sleep tonight. “Well, to be honest, there’s a long way between goats and tentacles, if you catch my drift,” I say.
“True.” Muffins nods. “Maybe you’ll explain tentacles to Daisy. You seem to be an expert.”
“Yeah, what’s up with tentacles?” Daisy asks. “Also, what is anime?”
Nope. Like, totally nope. “I’ll tell you later,” I say. After I manage to drown my brain in vodka or pesticides. Or whatever they give people at Dunwich Bonsai Fair.
“You’re better off not knowing,” Roseluck says. “I mean, I met Wallflower just a few months ago and I already know about all sorts of depravities I didn’t know existed.”
Wait, I’m a bad influence on someone? Well, that’s a new experience for me. I mean, for a long time I only had myself, my plants, and an Internet connection, and that last one turned out to be a problem. I didn’t start growing weed in my garden, but I apparently filled every single item on the ‘antisocial weirdo’ bucket list instead. And I still like anime, even though I have friends now. Even worse – Muffins told me there’s a girl in Crystal Prep who is into some pretty cool anime. Her name is Sunny Flare or something like this.
“One man’s depravity is another man’s treasure,” Muffins says. “Or woman’s, in this case. Anyway, where are we?”
“Between Canterlot City and Dunwich,” Lily replies. “I think there’s a gas station in ten miles or so, so if someone prefers to pee without getting ticks in fun places, they should hold on.”
Well, I don’t really feel like going to the toilet, but I’d gladly take a walk and eat something. Not to mention that it’s hard to tell where our next stop will be, so I might as well go there, assuming the toilet at the gas station is at least somewhat clean.
Soon, we leave the forest. The road leads us across large fields, with a distant lake somewhere behind them. The gas station is a part of a large parking lot, filled mostly with trucks full of timber. There’s only a handful of other cars, but it seems that everyone in a fifty-mile radius drives a pick-up.
Lily stops by the gas pump and takes a look at the van’s gauges. I guess it’s not the most economical vehicle in the world, but apparently Daisy pays for it.
“Okay, who’s gonna grab some coffee and hot dogs?” Muffins asks. “That is, after I check out the toilets, but I’m not inviting you there with me.”
I agree, if only to stretch my legs. The station does have a store and a coffee machine and it all looks surprisingly clean for such a middle of nowhere.
Well, to think about it, I don’t drink much coffee. I occasionally live off of energy drinks, but I try to do that only on weekends when there’s too many things to watch and too little time to do it. I usually wake up around midday on the next day, barely remembering what happened, regretting my life choices, and hoping that I didn’t throw up on the keyboard.
“Granola bars?” Muffins’ voice snaps me out of my thoughts. “Or something with chocolate? I have no idea if you’re on some diet or not, actually.”
“No diet,” I reply. “I’m not vegan either and I’m only allergic to seaweed.”
“Seaweed? Interesting.” Muffins shrugs. “I see Roseluck just grabbed everything that has chocolate in it and I think I should follow her example. I guess I’ll burn it all later, somehow.”
To think about it, at least I don’t have the right genes to get fat. One thing on the basement dweller’s bucket list I didn’t get right.
“What about exercise?” Muffins asks, picking some chocolate bars. “I mean, shoveling is fun, but if we compare our calves, you can see that–”
“Compare our what?” I ask. Sometimes I wonder if Muffins is on something or if that’s just the way she is. As of late, it seems that it’s the latter. I still can’t believe it.
“Calves. I mean look.” She points at her leg. She wears shorts and I can see the muscles under the skin of her calf pretty well. In my case, if you look hard enough, you can see the bones. “Lots of cycling, you know. Do you like cycling? We could go on a trip, sometime.”
“I don’t really cycle much. Or exercise.” Of course I’m not gonna tell her this, but I used to have much more exercise a while ago. Then I bought an electric toothbrush. “Gardening is pretty much the only physical activity I’m doing.”
“Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen you in the soccer team,” Muffins says.
Yeah, I don’t see myself in the soccer team either. I guess I’d somehow manage to kick myself in the forehead.
“I guess if we compared our calves, you’d see what I mean.” Muffins looks at my legs. “I mean, there’s a reason why in the world of short skirts, explosions, horse girls, and crazy magic out of nowhere, you’re the one wearing trousers.”
“I find them comfortable,” I reply. Also, I really don’t like shaving my legs, but nobody has to know. I actually did, since there’s a chance someone will see me in my pajamas, but I still don’t like it. “And my calves aren’t that interesting. Also, a lot of girls wear trousers, you know.”
“I can hardly recall any and that’s our school alone.” Muffins shrugs. “Crystal Prep doesn’t count, since they all wear skirts. Sugarcoat wears tights, but that’s probably because she’s a legbeard.”
“She’s a what?” I ask. I swear, Muffins is probably making half of those words up just to mess with me.
“You know, she doesn’t shave her legs and she’s a bit of a douchebagel.” Muffins smirks. Great, I have a soulmate now. “Though then, actual legbeards are usually ugly, but Sugarcoat just looks like… Uhh, she’d look good in a military uniform, smacking everyone with a riding crop.”
“Wouldn’t she wear trousers, then?” I ask. We walk to the cash register where we meet Roseluck, who’s indeed carrying more sweets than I eat in a week.
“Maybe,” Muffins replies. “But still, she’s from Crystal Prep.” She turns to Roseluck. “Rose, do you ever wear trousers?”
“Yes.” Roseluck chuckles. “I mean, other kids have goth phases, but I had a lumberjack phase and I still like them.”
“Okay.” Muffins furrows her eyebrows. “But no other girl in school wears trousers. Seems to be a fad, like those horrible shoes last year.”
Roseluck scratches her head. “Uhh… Principal Celestia? Vice Principal Luna? Rainbow Dash, more often than not?”
“Touche,” Muffins mutters. “Though Rainbow Dash is much funnier when she drops her pants, you know.”
“Do I want to know?” I ask.
“I wonder if the same applies to Celestia.” Roseluck shrugs. Thanks for the mental image, I already hate the fact that it’s gonna haunt me in my dreams. Somehow.
When we get back to the car, Lily and Daisy are already there. Lily looks somewhat sour, throwing aside glances at Daisy who, for once, looks truly happy. Wonder what went on between these two.
“Good news,” Daisy says. “Rose, remember when Lily’s parents took us on vacation to Castle Rock in this van, like, ten years ago?”
“Vaguely,” Roseluck replies. “I remember it kept raining and we spent most of the time playing Scrabble and–”
“I found the Scrabble board under the seat.” Daisy smiles. “And Monopoly too.”
“Great!” Muffins exclaims. “We can ruin our friendship twice as fast now!”
To think about it, I never really played Monopoly. To ruin friendships, one has to first have friends and let me tell you, plants suck at managing their money. Not to mention that none of them can play Scrabble.
“Yeah, that’s what we need,” Lily mutters. “Someone killing someone in my van over a game of Monopoly.”
“Don’t worry, we can always repair our friendship by the traditional tournament of Jenga, laser tag, and fellatio,” Muffins says. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
We look at each other, with a side of eyebrow-raising and shrugging. I guess several questions are basically floating in the air and I guess someone will eventually ask the first one.
Of course, my curiosity gets the better of me and before I can stop myself, I find myself asking the first question. “Did you confuse some Italian words, or did you really mean–”
“Yes,” Muffins replies.
Lily winces. “Okay, but like… I mean, how do you do this competitively? Like, is it about time, quantity, quality, or, uhh… who comes first or last?”
“You don’t do this competitively,” Muffins replies. “The competitive part is Jenga and laser tag, then everybody is a winner.” She looks at us. “Any other questions?”
“What’s fellatio?” Daisy asks.
“Something goats don’t do,” Roseluck replies.
“Or do they?” Lily smirks. I can’t say I’ve seen enough of the Internet to know for sure, but something tells me she knows the answer. And it’s the answer I expect but don’t want to think about.
“Lily, shut up and let’s go before someone overhears us,” Roseluck says. “I’d rather not have anyone try to join the fun.”
“Why?” Daisy asks. “Do you think truck drivers are better at Scrabble than us?”
I swear, one day I’ll go straight to goat hell because of her.
Well, I’m in hell now.
Mentally, at least. We’re back in the van, but we did start to play Scrabble. I don’t know enough two-letter words, plant names are too long, and Japanese is not allowed, so hooray for me. I did manage to get ‘goat’ in and scored quite a few points for ‘grazing’, but somehow Muffins and Daisy always get better letters. At least Roseluck is behind me, but now I’m stuck with some really useless tiles, like ‘c’ or ‘n’. Also, no vowels.
I look at the board. No luck with vowels either, though Roseluck’s ‘purity’ leaves me with quite a convenient ‘u’ with some space around it.
I look at my tiles. Just great. The only word I can come up with is probably not quite allowed. It is a word, okay, but I’m pretty sure Daisy doesn’t know it, Rose will protest, and Muffins will find it funny.
Eh, no risk no fun. I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me and all that jazz. I grab the tiles and place them around the ‘u’. This word looks really weird when crossed with ‘purity’, to be honest.
Daisy tilts her head. “Is that even a word?”
“No,” Roseluck replies. “I don’t think this is allowed in Scrabble.”
“It is, in tournament games,” Muffins says. “I mean, I always thought those words would be discouraged in official Scrabble tournaments but allowed in casual play.”
“So this is a word?” Daisy asks.
Roseluck looks at me and furrows her eyebrows. Great, I made an enemy who can turn me into fertilizer and no one would notice that I’d disappeared. “Well, it is, but it’s an Australian word.”
Daisy shrugs. “Don’t they speak English in Australia?”
“I always thought it was German.” Roseluck turns to Muffins, as if looking for help. “Right?”
“Nah, that’s Austria,” Muffins replies. “Australia has kangaroos, spiders, snakes, and those funny hats with corks around the brim, Austria has Alps, yodeling, and wieners.”
I can totally hear Lily chuckling at the wheel.
“I’m pretty sure wieners also exist in other countries,” Daisy says, sending Roseluck into a state of shock. “I mean, I had some just–”
Lily’s laughter fills the entire van now. “Either stop playing this game or tell Daisy to shut up or I’ll drive into a tree!” she shouts.
“What’s so funny about sausages?” Daisy asks.
“They are named after Vienna,” Muffins says, looking at her phone. “Though apparently invented in Germany and Austrians don’t call them wieners anyway. Anyway, I guess Wallflower’s, uhh… word can stay.”
“I don’t think so,” Roseluck replies. “And no wiener talk will convince me otherwise.”
“Wiener talk!” Lily guffaws. Oh boy, here we go. I showed them my, uhh, four-letter word and they all got excited. Well, at least those whose experience in this matter doesn’t involve goats.
Well, not that I’m much better at this.
“Don’t worry Rose, it won’t stay here for long.” Muffins grabs a few tiles and puts the letters around my word. Damn, it seems that I gave her enough points to win the game. “I was just wondering what to do with those.”
“Wait.” Rose furrows her eyebrows again. “How is ‘Scunthorpe’ a word?”
“It’s a city in England, come on.” Muffins rolls her eyes.
“Wait, do we allow city names now?” Daisy asks.
“Since 2010, apparently.” Muffins shrugs. “Hey! Don’t blame me, blame the rules!”
Well, I don’t believe I’m saying this, but a game of Monopoly somehow generates less conflict than Scrabble. So far, we only had a problem with tokens, especially since Muffins demanded a race car, saying that since she won at Scrabble, she gets to choose first. I always preferred the terrier myself anyway, but Roseluck, still salty about Scunthorpe, really wanted the car for herself. Eventually, however, Lily convinced her that the battleship was much cooler, and Daisy settled for the top hat.
Still, it seems that the salt is still there. And I’m just a simple woman trying to make my place in the world of real estate, so I guess I’ll have to make use of it.
“Rose, are you interested in giving me Park Place for Pacific Avenue?” I ask.
“Yeah, so you can put a hotel on Boardwalk and screw us over?” She shakes her head. “Never.”
“Then you could build hotels on green properties,” I reply. “And together we’d rule this part of the board.”
“I’d get bankrupt first.” Roseluck looks at her banknotes. “Investing in those will kill me and Daisy already owns everything from Mediterranean Avenue to Connecticut Avenue, so once you pass Go, you’re basically screwed.”
Damn, she’s gonna rip me off, I’m sure of that. “I’ll give you Pacific Avenue and a hundred dollars.”
“Two hundred.”
Wanna play hard? I’ll show you hard. I spent most of my school days alone, so I ended up being kinda selfish. “A hundred, or I’ll sell Kentucky Avenue to Muffins.”
“Now that’s blackmail,” Roseluck says.
“Nah, just good business.” Muffins turns to me. “So, about Kentucky Avenue…”
“She’s not selling you Kentucky Avenue!” Roseluck exclaims.
“She has to, or else Daisy’s empire of cheap properties will slowly drive us all out of business,” Muffins replies. “How did she even get all of them?”
“Maybe she stole it from the bank!” Lily exclaims. “Also, it’s getting dark and I’m getting tired, so if you don’t want to finish this game in the afterlife, we’ll either have to stop or someone has to take the wheel.”
“Aren’t we close to Dunwich?” Daisy asks.
“We are, but I need to take some rest. It’s just like, twenty miles to our hotel. The fair starts tomorrow anyway,” Lily replies. “So, who else has a driver’s licence, actually?”
Well, I drove a car once. It was actually Flash Sentry’s car and I made sure he doesn’t remember I did. I mean, he’d just broke up with Sunset Shimmer and you can’t blame my dumb younger self for thinking that maybe I had a chance. If anything, I’d blame cheap romance novels and, as it is usually the case, anime. With some subtle use of the memory stone, I managed to navigate around my biggest social blunders and we reached the point where he thought that teaching me to drive was a cool way to push our relationship in a new direction. I wasn’t so keen on this and let me tell you, after having to zap Flash, two cops, the old lady, and a dachshund with a memory stone, I still think it wasn’t the greatest of his ideas.
Yes, especially the dachshund. He kept barking whenever he saw me and I’m pretty sure he’d rat on me.
Also, does Flash still wonder why his car had an awful dent on the fender and smelled of chicken crap for a week? Or why he remembers nothing from the whole month when we were together? I should probably tell him about this one day.
Yeah, fixing everything I’ve ever done with the memory stone is gonna be fun.
“I have a licence,” Muffins says. “Flash taught me to drive and I passed the exam with flying colours.”
“What?” I ask.
“Hey, it’s not that hard.” Muffins shrugs. “You should try it sometime.”
“No, I mean that part about Flash,” I reply as Lily pulls over so she could swap places with Muffins. “Does he teach every single one of his girlfriends to drive a car?”
“He didn’t teach Sunset,” Muffins replies. “And I don’t remember him having any other girlfriend, so I guess that’s only a half.”
Ah, of course. No one remembers about me.
Muffins turns to Lily. “I trust you with my financial empire. You’d better not go bankrupt before we reach the hotel.”
“Yeah, sure.” Lily sits at the board as Muffins fastens the seatbelts. “Wait, did you guys rob the bank?”
“Nah, we just paid ourselves some bonuses,” Roseluck replies. “Well, there’s no cash in the bank, but anytime someone passes Go, we write down how much they should get. I’m pretty sure we’re all billionaires at this point.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s how financial crises start,” Lily says. “I guess you should give some money back to the bank and cut this galloping inflation a bit.”
“And cause a collapse of the whole real estate market?” Roseluck asks. “Never.”
“I’ll remind you of those words when we all land in prison,” Lily replies, grabbing the dice.
“Good luck, I have a Get Out of Jail Free card.” Roseluck smirks. “And enough money to get out whenever I want.”
“Okay, the game is rigged from the start.” Lily turns to me. “So, I’ve heard you wanted to sell Kentucky Avenue?”
“She’s not selling this one!” Roseluck exclaims.
“I said I won’t sell it to Muffins,” I reply. “I might sell it to Lily if you don’t give me Park Place and Water Works for Pacific Avenue.”
“The horror!” Roseluck shouts. “Now you want Water Works too, you filthy capitalist?”
“Capitalist?” I ask. “I just want to own the means of production.”
“You were right,” Roseluck says to Lily. “The system needs changing.”
“Yes, I need to win or at least make Wallflower go down before me.” Lily looks at the board. “Also, who let Daisy buy all these properties?”
“I had some lucky dice rolls.” Daisy smiles sheepishly.
Lily shakes her head. “Oh, the horror…”
Author's Notes:
Well, let's hope you didn't forget about me...
2. Wallflower’s Crush
By the time we arrive at the hotel, we’re all completely dominated by Daisy’s real estate empire. We did give some money back to the bank and this was our end: a mass of Daisy cheap properties and our failed attempts at upgrading drove us all off the market. Well, at least Lily went bankrupt before I did.
In the actual hotel, which is much cheaper than whatever Daisy owned, we get two rooms. Roseluck, Lily, and Daisy take one for themselves, leaving me to share the other one with Muffins and The Great Roberto. He took the trip well, at least. Now he just needs some watering and we can call it a day, I guess.
Or at least I hope so. If Muffins snores or talks in her sleep, I’m gonna be really mad. Well, I guess she won’t need sleep to talk to me, but well, so far I’m enjoying some time alone while she’s taking a shower.
I guess it wasn’t a bad day. I didn’t do anything dumb, I didn’t wish I still had the memory stone, and I didn’t try to kick someone out of the van. Tomorrow, it’s gonna be bonsai trees galore, and I’m pretty sure I have something to read on my tablet.
Suddenly, the door of the bathroom burst open and Muffins walks out. At least she’s wearing a bathrobe, though it isn’t tied in any way, allowing me to see much more than I’d ever want to.
“Random shower thought,” she says, grabbing a comb and brushing her hair. Oh boy, here we go. “We never wash our belts, but it’s like, the first thing you touch after wiping your–”
“Thanks for this mental image, I hate it,” I mutter. “Now I need to wash my belt.”
“Yeah, but watch out. The water in the shower sometimes goes cold randomly.” She sits on her bed, the bathrobe swirling around her. I can see not just London and France, but the whole countryside, if you wish. Maybe I should really take a shower – if only so she’d have time to put some pants on.
“You know, I’ve been wondering about Flash,” Muffins says. Oh great, I hope she doesn’t delve into details too much or I’ll really need a cold shower. “How did you know about the driving thing?”
“Uhh… Will it be enough if I tell you that it involved the memory stone?” I ask. “It’s not something I’d like to go back to.”
“Okay then.” Muffins shrugs. “Have you ever tried it on me?”
I swear, one more question like that and I’m gonna run to the toilet and never come out. “Well, everyone in school got the stone at least once, so I probably did.” I shrug. “You know, I don’t even know if I ever tried it on myself. If I did, I don’t remember that.”
“Well, I guess it was the whole school,” she replies. “But have we ever met face to face before and you just made me forget about that? I’m just curious.”
Well, uhh, actually… There was that one time when I got really bored and tried to kiss various girls in school. Muffins parted with her memories of that rather quickly due to being way too eager to kiss me back. Still it wasn’t the worst. I have about a fifteen minute-long gap in my memory between approaching Vinyl and hiding in an empty classroom, so I may have used the stone on myself. Also, Cloudy Kicks punched me in the face which was, I’d say, quite a new experience for me.
I might have tried to kiss her again.
After a while, I tell Muffins about it. Well, except for the part about Vinyl and Cloudy Kicks. Especially Cloudy Kicks.
“Huh.” Muffins smirks. “So we kinda kissed, right? Too bad I don’t remember it, but well, we can make up for it.”
Nope. No way. Did I die and ended up in some limbo for creepy weirdos who kiss random girls or break into boys’ locker rooms to smell their– Wait, I never did that, honest.
“From your expression, I guess the answer is no,” Muffins says. “But have you done something fun with this stone? I mean, like running around the school naked or pranking people, or breaking into the boys’ showers to take a look?”
“I totally didn’t do any of these, and especially not the last one,” I reply. “It was mostly boring stuff, like moping and complaining about everything.”
“Not bad.” Muffins nods. “I’d be far less responsible if I got my hands on this stone.”
Yeah, that’s what I thought when I walked out of the supermarket in plain sight with a bottle of whisky, a six-pack of beer and a pack of cigarettes. It wasn’t the brightest of my ideas, mainly because it’s hard to remove someone’s memories when you’re trying (and failing) not to throw up. That was when I thought I should be more responsible. And never mix whisky and beer.
“Like, first thing I came up with was streaking and the other was public sex,” Muffins says. “I never did any streaking myself, but at least Flash and I once did it in the garden, so there’s always that.”
Well, considering her current attire, I’d disagree about streaking, but– Wait, what did she just say?
“Wait, did you two, uhh… in my garden?” I ask, making some suggestive hand gestures. “How could you?”
“Well, I said, ‘I have the keys to the school garden, wanna do it?’ and it escalated from there.” She shrugs. “Come on, you’ve never banged anyone in this garden, with the keys and the memory stone?”
“Does ‘myself’ count?” I ask without thinking what I’m actually talking about. Damn, where did I put my memory stone?
Oh wait, I don’t have it. Just awesome.
“Well, that’s always something.” Muffins smirks. “Becoming one with nature, so to speak.”
“Yeah…” I mutter, looking away. “Just don’t mention it to anyone.”
“Don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me,” Muffins replies. “Also, if you ever want to invite someone to your garden, both literally and as a dirty metaphor, we can find someone easily. I mean, Bulk is already taken by Indigo Zap–”
“Who?” I ask.
“Kinda like Bulk, but female and, like, pocket-sized.” Muffins shows the height with her hand and if she’s accurate, then this Indigo Zap is shorter than me. Though probably stronger, if she shares Bulk’s hobbies. I mean, I once tried to start working out, but no one who was at the gym at the time remembers it. “Anyway, maybe Valhallen? I’m not sure how he can see anything with this hair of his–”
“So you think a guy who can’t see will be the perfect match for me?” I ask. “Just what I suspected.”
“No, I don’t mean it like that,” Muffins replies, smiling sheepishly. “But you could share tips on hair styling and his baby sister is just adorable. We could call you Wally and Vally.”
I sigh. “Can you stop calling me Wally?”
“Do you prefer Waldo?” She shrugs. “Actually, both could work. People at school spent years looking for you.”
“Oh, come on!” I roll my eyes.
“Would you maybe prefer ‘Flowey’?” Muffins asks.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I drop on my bed and sigh. “Who names a kid ‘Wallflower’ anyway? Did my parents want me to become a recluse loser?”
“Well, in some cases it works in reverse, you know.” Muffins smirks. “Have you ever met Sugarcoat?”
“Who?” I mean, according to Muffins’ description we may be soulmates, but I still don’t know her. Also, I think I keep asking this question today. But then, I never bothered with names that much.
“She’s from Crystal Prep, she has the most improbable hairstyle you’ve ever seen, she wears orange-rimmed glasses, speaks like an angry squirrel, and treats everyone like they’re idiots who can’t appreciate her genius. That’s why everyone tells her to shut up whenever she speaks. I think she’s with Sandalwood now.”
I have no idea who Sandalwood is. Like, everytime I think of this name, my memory enters a black hole. It’s not just I don’t remember him; it’s like someone removed every trace of any interaction I’ve ever had with him.
Gee, I wonder who could do that.
I do, however, recall a sharp-looking girl with the most improbable hairstyle I’ve ever seen, who wore glasses, and caught me behind the school when I was just wandering around, probably scheming or just being generally mopey.
“Hey, you,” she said, indeed sounding like an angry squirrel. “Are you Sandalwood’s new dealer? If so, I need cocaine. The theme of our next date is the 19th century, which apparently means getting high and laughing at phrenology.”
“I don’t have any cocaine, sorry,” I replied, my heart racing. She spoke to me! And I totally talked to her normally! And she mistook me for someone! I ran off, accidentally bumping into Sweet Leaf and knocking her down, but I didn’t care.
Well, to be honest, I ran to my garden and, as Muffins nicely put it, engaged in becoming one with nature.
To think about it, I still wonder who did she mistake me for.
“I may have met her,” I reply. Muffins doesn’t need to know the whole story.
“So you know that she’s nothing like her name would imply,” Muffins replies. “Also, we may never know what Lemon Zest has to do with lemons. Unless you mean her fanfiction.”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Are you into fanfiction anyway?” As I say that, I realise that while I may be successful in changing the topic, I’m still going to dangerous waters.
“Not much,” Muffins says. “I’m more into healthy teenage hobbies, like playing soccer, blasting some noobs’ tanks to pieces in video games, playing saw, and having sex in fun places. What about you?”
“Well, I’m into video games too,” I reply, deciding to ignore the other things she mentioned. “And gardening, of course. But I’m generally boring, so–”
Suddenly, the door of our room opens and Roseluck bursts in. Unfortunately for her, I’m pretty sure the first thing she sees are Muffins’ assets in their full glory.
“Sorry to interrupt whatever you two are doing,” she says, “but Lily is having a freakout.”
“Is it because of a bunny?” Muffins asks.
“No, a spider and withdrawal.” Roseluck shrugs. “Is someone here not afraid of spiders?”
“Spiders?” Muffins shudders. “Eww.”
“Withdrawal?” I ask. “What withdrawal? Are you telling us just now that she’s a junkie?”
“Nah, that’s just some meds.” Roseluck rolls her eyes. “I guess she forgot to take them. Though then, I don't remember her ever going to a doctor, so–”
“Well, then I’m happy she didn’t see any spiders in the car.” I get up from the bed and crack my knuckles like I know what I’m doing. “Okay, show me this spider.”
We walk to Roseluck’s room. The scene looks quite interesting: Lily, dressed in frilly pajamas, is standing on a chair, frantically staring at the floor. What is more interesting, Daisy is doing the same thing, though at least her pajamas are more traditional-looking. Don’t worry, girls, Rescue-1 is on the way.
“Where’s this spider?” I ask.
“We don’t know!” Lily exclaims. So much for being a tough girl with a van. “It ran away.”
Frankly, I’m not surprised. I’m constantly on the verge of running away myself, though now that I think about it, Muffins actually makes a fine roommate.
“Did you take your meds?” I ask.
“I did, just now.” She shrugs. “Still, you have to find this spider!”
Like hell I will. “Daisy, did you take your meds too?”
“I don’t take any meds.” Daisy replies. “Especially not those Lily takes.”
“Then why are you panicking?” I ask, trying not to roll my eyes. After all, I had some meds too, myself, though the package I see on Lily’s nightstand doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen before.
“So she doesn’t feel lonely.” Daisy smiles sheepishly. “Also, I don’t like spiders.”
Muffins walks into the room. Apparently she does have some semblance of shame, or maybe it just occurred to her that she’s flashing everyone constantly, because she tied her bathrobe with a matching belt. “Are you playing ‘floor is lava’?” she asks.
“More like, ‘floor is huge scary spiders,” Lily replies.
“Hey, it wasn’t that huge,” Roseluck says. “Like, we’re not in Australia, come on! It was at best half an inch.”
“At least ten!” Lily exclaims. “We need to find it! I won’t sleep knowing that such a beast is under my bed!”
“Ten inches? I’d prefer to have such a beast in my bed.” Muffins chuckles. “Unfortunately, the size of such beasts is usually greatly exaggerated. It’s five at best.”
“Why would you want to have a spider in your bed?” Daisy asks. Damn, even I got this, and I’m apparently a virgin. Although with the amount of sinful things I’ve seen on the internet, that word is more devoid of meaning than my life.
Muffins probably thinks along the same lines, maybe except for the virgin part. “Do we tell her?”
“No,” Roseluck replies. “Unless you want the rest of the night to be even more awkward.”
“Still, this spider is somewhere there.” Lily gets off the chair and looks at her bed. “I need to know where it is.”
“Don’t worry,” Muffins says. “I’ll get a deodorant and a lighter and we’ll kill it with fire.”
I guess it’s time to intervene. “Do you know what’d make the night even more awkward than explaining birds and bees to Daisy? Lighting the hotel on fire.”
“There are bees here too?” Daisy asks. “Maybe we should leave the spider alone, then. At least it’ll catch the bees.”
“They make honey and are generally harmless if you don’t piss them off, but I agree,” I say. “Let’s leave the spider alone.”
“You’re saying that because you haven’t watched My Girl,” Daisy replies. “I thought it’d be fun because that guy from Home Alone was in it, but I was really wrong.”
“Sorry, my knowledge of movies with bees ends at The Wicker Man,” Muffins replies. “And that’s only because Indigo got me into crap horror movies and I suffer to this day. Also, it’s fitting because it also ends in fire.”
“Daisy, the bees are a metaphor, you know.” I sigh. “As for the spider, there’s no spider. It decided to run when it heard how stupid we all are.”
“What about the spoon?” Muffins asks.
“What spoon?”
“You say there’s no spider, so I’m asking about the spoon.” Muffins shrugs. “I’d rather be ready for the moment when Lily pulls out red and blue pills and asks me to choose one.”
“There is no spoon.” I roll my eyes. “Also, when it comes to bee movies, I can’t believe you missed the most obvious choice.”
“Which is?” Muffins smirks. I’m pretty sure that’s a rhetorical question, but given the way Roseluck and Lily look at me, I guess I’m here to deliver the punchline.
“Like, the actual movie called Bee Movie?” I shrug. “According to all known laws of aviation there’s no way a bee should be able to fly, and so on. This actually defies basic physics, but who’d expect accuracy in a cartoon.”
“Now you just sound like Twilight,” Roseluck says. “She once spent an hour complaining about magnets not working right in some movie.”
Muffins chuckles. “Does anyone even know how they work?”
“Not me,” I reply. “And now excuse me, I need to take a shower. If you want to hunt spiders all night, no problem, but leave me out of it.”
“You’re gonna leave me with those two searching for spiders all night?” Roseluck groans. “I’ve been through this before and trust me, it’s worse than watching paint dry.”
“You know, I gotta take a shower too,” Muffins says.
Roseluck raises her eyebrows and looks at Muffins. “You just had a shower.”
“I didn’t.” Muffins smiles sheepishly. I hope she never tries to play poker because she’s gonna get destroyed once she tries to bluff.
“You’re wearing a bathrobe and your hair is wet. You’re not fooling anyone, you know.” Roseluck crosses her arms.
“Maybe I want to take another shower, but with Wallflower?” Muffins shrugs. “It kind of rhymes.”
I swear, I’m not gay enough for this. I mean, I kinda saw her, uhh… everything, and I doubt I can compare. Also, the shower would be terribly cramped and we’d have to be pretty close together and–
Wait, I shouldn’t be imagining that. I really ought to stop.
Stupid, sexy Muffins!
“I’m gonna take a shower,” I say quickly. “Alone!”
Muffins looks at me, then at Roseluck, and then at Lily and Daisy who are currently looking under Lily’s bed. “Are you sure–”
“No, I don’t need a hand,” I reply. “I can do it myself just fine.”
On a second thought, this sounded much better in my head. And my imaginary grave I keep digging myself in just got a little deeper. I storm out, go back to my room and hide in the bathroom. I don’t think I’m getting out in a foreseeable future.
After a while, someone knocks on the door, startling me. Good thing I’m actually sitting on the toilet or else it’d get even more awkward. “Wally are you okay?” Muffins asks. Hope she doesn’t try to burst in. I don’t remember if I locked the door.
“Are you asking about my mental state?” I ask.
“Well, I’m not interested in whatever else you’re doing there,” Muffins replies.
“I think the Stone was way too convenient,” I reply. “I forgot how to interact with people without making a fool out of myself.”
“Don’t worry, at least you’re not looking for spiders under your bed.” Muffins chuckles.
“Yes, but can we not talk right now?” I ask. “I’m a bit busy here.”
“Oh, sorry!” Muffins exclaims. “I guess I’ll be in my bed. Goodnight!”
“Night,” I mutter. Then I finish what I started and finally take a shower. While desperately trying not to imagine anyone naked or searching for spiders. Or searching for spiders while naked. Though maybe if Lily did that? She’s a bit of a bitch but hey, a girl can fantasize. And Daisy is totally innocent, but if this trip continues, we may spoil her and–
Yikes! So that’s what Muffins meant when she said the water goes cold randomly. There goes the mood. I dry myself with a towel and put on my pajamas before going back to the real world. Which, in this case, includes Muffins herself.
She’s sitting on her bed with a tablet and watching some sort of a movie. I take a peek at a screen and let me tell you, it’s really weird. Exactly the kind of thing I expect from Muffins.
“What is it?” I ask. “Star Trek-themed gay porn?”
“Traumschiff Surprise - Periode 1,” she replies. Great, now she speaks in tongues. “It is gay and Star Trek-themed, but it’s not porn. Also, I think I watched it, like, two days ago. Also, I need to catch up on Le Casa de Papel.”
“What now?” I ask.
“Paper House,” she replies before checking something on her tablet. “Money Heist? Seriously? I always watch it in Spanish anyway.”
“Yeah, I once tried to learn Japanese from anime,” I say.
“Did it work?” Muffins asks. “I’m not into anime, myself, so I only know a few words.”
“Well, due to my unfortunate choices, I can now hold a perfectly normal conversation in Japanese, as long as it’s about dressing as a girl to infiltrate an all-girl school.” I chuckle and shake my head at my own stupidity. “Which is not very useful since I don’t even have to try very hard to look like a girl.”
Muffins raises her eyebrows. Yeah, this sounded much better in my head.
“I’m not a dude in drag, by the way,” I say quickly, which probably makes it even worse.
“Even if I didn’t catch sarcasm, your pajama bottoms tell me you aren’t.”
What? Well, yeah, unless I just had a really small equipment. Which I don’t have and if she wants to check–
Wait, what am I thinking about? Way to go wrong about it. Soon, I’ll drop my pajamas, she’ll get out of that bathrobe and Roseluck will get all the wrong ideas if she ever decides to visit us again.
Oh yeah, I can imagine this conversation.
“You’ve never sat heterosexually naked with someone?”
“I think I’d rather go back to hunting spiders, bye!”
“Earth to Wally!” Muffins snaps me out of my thoughts. “Do you always blush and zone out when someone mentions–”
“Yes,” I reply, smiling sheepishly. “I mean, no. Usually not. I think I’ll go to sleep.”
“Yeah, same here,” Muffins replies. “We need to get up early tomorrow and get The Great Roberto to the fair.”
Easier said than done. Once the lights are out, I start tossing and turning in my bed. Normally, I’d just have a session with my electric toothbrush and call it a day, but I have no idea whether Muffins is a light sleeper or not.
Eventually, I do fall asleep, or at least I think so, because the things I see are too weird to be real. It must be a dream and it’s quite an interesting one, in which I find Lily’s pills. I look at the label, but instead of the list of side effects there’s only ‘eat me’ written there.
Well, I guess that’s some Alice in Chains level stuff. Wait, I’m wrong. I totally meant Alice in Wonderland, although the one in chains probably works too, on some level. Of course, I eat those pills; it’s a dream, it’s better not to question its logic.
Everything gets bigger, then it gets smaller and soon I live in a Monopoly hotel and hunt spiders with a spear made from a toothpick. I meet a caterpillar that looks totally like Roseluck and see goats grazing on some meadow, where Muffins and Daisy play croquet. Yeah, that’s most definitely a dream.
My eyes shoot open. The room is dark and quiet, except for Muffins' snoring. When I grab my phone to check what time it is, she lifts her head slightly, though her eyes are still closed.
“You need to aim for the machine gun port,” she says. “One shot and the whole tank goes up in flames.”
Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind next time I encounter a tank. I turn to face the wall and close my eyes. Tomorrow’s gonna be an important day and I’m not even anxious.
Wait.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Author's Notes:
Pros of writing the whole thing in advance: no matter if you're freshly out of the hospital where they poked your kidney with a lightsaber, you still have a chapter to post (although the pills I got don't cause me to go crazy about spiders).
Also, the only time I watched Traumschiff Surprise I was pretty drunk, but I think I remember it well.