I'm not crazy..

How many times have patients such as myself yelled that? How many ponies have declared their innocence when faced judgement? I don't know, but I have heard many yell those words during my time here. I would probably yell it too, if I could, but I cannot. The doctors did not only think it necessary to restrain me in a straightjacket, but also to give me a muzzle to keep me firmly gagged.

The only time the muzzle is off, is during my meals, or when the doctors want to talk to me. I usually take my medicine with my meals, so they hardly ever remove the muzzle.

My world is nothing but a white padded room. No bed, no windows, no artwork or books, not even a bug. This is my world, my whole universe. I am only taken out for small walks, well, drives really, I'm not allowed or able to walk, so they strap me in a wheelchair and push me around for half an hour.

It is the only time I ever get to see the blue sky above, it is the only time I'm able to smell the fresh air and enjoy the wind in my mane. It is paradise, something so simple, but it is the only joy I have, the closest thing I get to freedom.

Other times they pull me out is when I need to talk to a doctor, bathe me, or escort me to the bathroom. They control everything, every single thing. They control when I talk, eat, drink, use the restroom or even a simple shower. The only freedom I have is my mind, but even that has its limits.

I have no idea what they're giving me, but it keeps me docile, keeps my mind foggy. They say it's for my own good, they claim they're helping me, but I don't think they truly understand the torture of living like this. My existence has no value, I am just something they keep alive, but what is life without freedom? Why would anypony think this is life?

They must know my hell in some way, because I'm in a padded room and restrained not only for their sake, but for mine. They keep justifying it, keep telling me they do not want me to hurt myself. It keeps me alive, keeps me from ending it all. I don't know if I would be able to, I'm not scared, I'm just desperate to make a choice of my own, to take control of my life.

I am denied everything that makes me feel alive. It's like being underwater, with the only gasp of air is the lousy half hour I get outside. My wings long for the feeling of flight, and so do I. It's like flying has become a dream now, not even a memory anymore, just a dream, an idea, a myth. Sometimes I just look to the sky, close my eyes and imagine myself flying, it makes me cry, no matter how much I try not to.

The worst however, is the loneliness. Ponies are social creatures by nature, I miss somepony to talk to, and my doctor does not count. He does not look at me with kind eyes, even though he tries to fake it. It does not feel like a conversation, but an interrogation.

I see him less and less these days, maybe because my answers are the same, or that I simply don't remember the answers anymore. I don't know how long I've been in here, at times, I'm not even sure about my real name. Days just become a blur, moments of sanity, which feels like cold water in the desert. At those times I become desperate, like a wild animal that yearns for food, I yearn to escape my bonds and be free!

I cry, I beg and plead, but like always, they give me something, and everything becomes a blur again.. To keep myself sane to a degree, I remind myself who I am each morning. It has become a ritual, and it is what keeps me hopeful that someday I will again feel the soft grass beneath my hooves.

My name is Swift Bolt, I'm a Pegasus stallion. Last birthday I remember was my 18th birthday. I'm not supposed to be here, I'm not crazy, and I'm not a killer.

Each morning I repeat those words, with the muzzle I cannot say them out loud, but I hum the words to make sure I do not forget any of it. I don't know how I know I'm not a killer, how I'm not crazy, I've been here long enough to feel like I really am. It's just a feeling, like a fire that burns deep inside me, proclaiming my innocence, and that I have to do something important. I cannot let that die, I fear if I do let that inner fire burn out, that I may lose myself completely.

Recently I think that conviction has given me a chance, a small hope, but I will return to that later. It is hard to explain without first explaining my amazingly bad memory.

So what do I remember? Not much, my name is the only thing I know for sure, the rest just seems jumbled up. The doctors and nurses tell me things all the time, but that does not count as memories. Only when I dream do I seem to see small snapshots of my past, flashes, echoes. When I wake up I try to piece everything together, but it all gets jumbled up, so I do not know what is a memory and what is just a dream.

I do not remember something so important as my parents, I cannot recall their names, or even their faces. I can't remember if I have any siblings, any friends. I find myself doubting I have any of those things, because I never get a visit. It's allowed, like it is with all patients. It's just that nopony ever comes...

So what was this chance I spoke of? I don't know if it was pure luck, or even fate, but I recently saw a newspaper on the doctor's desk. He must have forgotten he had left it there, because he removed it as soon as he caught me reading it. Three words, or rather, two names stuck out to me, along with a picture.

Rainbow Dash, and Ponyville.. A pony and a town..

Something clicked inside my mind, I knew the name, I fucking knew that name! Not many, but a few feelings and memories returned to me, she is my friend! Or at least she was, at some point. The picture in the paper, and the image I had in my mind, made me deduce we had not seen each other for at least a few years.

And there it was, however unlikely it was, I had found my lifeline! She was the only pony I could remember from the outside world, she was the only pony that might listen to me! How did I know that? Truth was, I had no idea if she would listen, or even come visit.

Skies above, I didn't even know how I would even get her to come here in the first place..

Fate once again gave me a chance. A group of visiting doctors and nurses was being shown around. I was sitting in the common room, in a wheelchair of course, still restrained and muzzled, but my orderly had gone into a small office, for what reason I do not know, nor did I care.

The group of doctors and nurses, which was no more than four ponies in total, passed through the common room. I overheard them, and heard they were from Ponyville. I knew instantly I would never get such a chance ever again! It was like the hope burning inside me cleared my mind, I had to get them to talk to me, I had to get this fucking muzzle off!

I was desperate, scared I might be dragged away before getting a chance to speak with one of them. My life was on the line, and I knew it. Luck, or rather, stupidity was on my side. The orderly had not strapped me to the wheelchair, it was standard practice, but at times they forgot, after all, even if I did jump out of the chair, where would I go?

The group moved towards the doors leading into the yard, but one of the nurses stayed behind. I literally jumped at the opportunity, I hurled my body forward, set off with my hindlegs and jumped like I never had before. It must have been quite a sight, because I had no way of stopping my fall, and so I landed smack down on the floor.

It got the nurse's attention though, she was startled for sure, but those eyes, those beautiful eyes of hers. They were filled with such warmth, such empathy. Real empathy, not the fake kind the nurses and doctors gave me, this was real, and I felt like crying just by the warm feeling it gave me.

Quickly she was by my side, looking me over to see if I was okay. I tried to talk, but the muzzle reduced every word I spoke into a confusing mess of grunts and whines.

I don't know why she did what she did, I don't think it was because she wanted to check if I was okay as a nurse, but as a pony. She must have seen the pure desperation in my eyes, and understood something. Whatever the case, she unlocked my muzzle, and it came off instantly.

"Please, find Rainbow Dash... Ponyville, find her..." I wanted to scream, to cry, to yell it out, but my voice was almost nothing but a desperate whisper. She was confused, maybe even scared, so I tried to explain, but I was running out of time. "Find her, please.. Swift Bolt, tell her I need to see her.."

My words barely connected into a sentence, I was so used to just saying yes and no, that it was like my brain had forgotten how to talk. She was confused, upset, but there was something, a spark of something, recognition, she knew Rainbow Dash, I was sure of it! Unfortunately, my luck ran out. Out came my orderly, followed by one more and two nurses. I was terrified, looked to the mare who had removed my muzzle and pleaded.

"Please, tell her!" I finally managed to raise my voice, shocking her, but she kept looking at me as I was grabbed. "Find her!! Tell her I need to se-Arhgmfh! Hmmlpr-nmmrmmfh!"

And that was that, they pulled the muzzle back over my mouth, muffling my words once again. I kept pleading, begging, even though my words were not understandable. I struggled with all my might, knowing it was a losing battle, the two orderlies and one nurse kept dragging me away, down into the hall where the grey double doors closed.

I had done it, I had planted a seed of hope. I knew my chances were slim, if the mare did tell Rainbow Dash about me, would she come? As I was dragged back to my padded world, I decided it didn't matter. I had defied my captors, I had made a choice, my first real choice in ages. For just a few moments, I had taken control of my life.

I must have looked like a mad pony, because I started to laugh. I could not help it, I laughed, but also cried. The warm tears streamed down my cheeks as I laughed, tears of pure joy. For the first time, I felt alive, and even when they tossed me back into my cell, I kept laughing, kept crying, because I had done it.

Whatever might happen now was out of my hooves, even beyond their control. I was alive, I had hope, and that was all that mattered, even as they came to me with a syringe. I kept laughing, even as my vision blurred and I was sedated..

I had hope...

Author's Notes:

I know it isn't Halloween yet, and I know this story is not a horror story.

It is the closest I can get to, and besides, I think being stuck in an asylum like Swift Bolt must be horrible. I know I would think it was my own personal horror story.

If you liked this story, then leave a like, favor it, or leave a comment. And remember, stay awesome.