Artemis Sparkshower

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Specialist Artemis Sparkshower was so very, very excited!

Yes, okay, Corporal Bound had made her wait while she wrote a note saying where the three of them would be, in case an emergency arose and the Royal Engineer needed any one of them.

Or all of them.

And then there was the moment, just as they’d all started to step out the door, when Honour pointed out that if Artemis was going to be 'foaling around' with a 'probable weapon,' then she and Glamerspear had better put on their combat armor. But golly, had Artemis ever donned her barding quickly. Quicker even than Lily had put hers on, and she didn't even have as many pieces! Or needed to rely solely on her hooves and teeth to suit up!

Still, the pegasus could hardly accuse Lily of being laggardly. She seemed just as interested -- if, perhaps, not as excited -- as Artemis to learn what was in the very long box from Her Ladyship, Major Amberline Growler.

Artemis looked up at the package floating beside her in Glamerspear's teal telekinetic grasp as the three of them walked in the late afternoon sun towards the palace barracks' firing grounds and drill field. Surely the gift couldn't be a Valkyrie helmet; the case was far too large for that. And yet it seemed too short to be a spear -- shorter than the pegasus’ current longspear, at least, which was so big that it unscrewed into four pieces just to be able to fit on her back. Artemis’ current weapon was, in fact, twice as long as one of Honour's javelins or Lily's conjured munitions. But the mysterious gift was scarcely longer than those short weapons; far too small a weapon to wield in a pegasus' hooves.

Could it perhaps be an accessory? An antique caparison blessed with some magical property? Or even something as simple as an ensorcelled banner to be affixed to her own spear? A Growler family version of the ancient Pegasus Aureaflamma war-banner?

Perhaps it was an enchanted piece of armor? A well-sized banded criniere would fit in the case, if taken apart.

"Sparks, you can stop staring up at the box, we're here."

‘Oh, sunshine and rainbows, so we are!’

It looked like Corporal Bound was right; the place really was empty. The wide open square field, with thirty-hoof-tall safety berms around three sides, was completely devoid of anypony else. There wasn’t even a sentry or range officer! It wasn’t like there were any weapons about, though. Just the straw targets in the walled-in corner, shaped like bulls-eyes or pressed into bales for general use.

"Why don't you set the case down there on the commander's podium, Glamerspear?" Honour pointed a forehoof at the small raised wooden platform which allowed even an earth pony or unicorn to have a good, clear view of the field.

Lily nodded. "Yeah, sure thing."

‘Oooooh, it's aaaaalmost time to ooooopen iiiiit!’

Artemis was as happy as an early duck in an advanced spring!

Stepping up on the platform next to where the pegasus landed, Corporal Bound fixed Artemis in her gaze. "Okay, Sparkshower, crack it open and let's take a look -- but hooves off the merchandise until we figure out what it is."

She barely heard Honour’s admonishment in the back of her head as she flipped up one latch, then another, then the other three, and then slowly opened the hinged case.

"Ooooohhhhhhh!"

Artemis was transfixed by the sight. It was like nothing she could have expected! It was like nothing she’d ever seen! It was…!

It was…

‘What is it?’

Lily was the first to speak. "What the heck is this? It looks like some kind of antidequusian torture device."

Artemis doubted it was that old, but Glamerspear did have a point about recognizability. Before her, sitting in the folds of the plush, dark burgundy satin that lined the box, and held in place by several boiled-leather hard straps, was a royal-blue thing that could perhaps be described as 'polearm-esque.' The front -- if it was actually the front -- of the supposed weapon was shaped like a jousting lance, with a narrow, conical shape that tapered to a point, painted with a spiral blue-and-white pattern. But the 'rear' side of the cone, rather than widening into an ordinary-sized hoofguard, instead flared out into an asymmetric shape. It was big and broad on one side, gently curving outwards and back, but on the other side the hoofguard came to a thin bar, curving back only slightly. The thin side was almost like some kind of hook.

Maybe for driving it into the ground?

Was this a magic-shooting lance, intended to be emplaced and fired?

Beside the pegasus, Honour offered up her own opinion, her snoot scrunched up in confusion. "I've never seen anything like this. What's that thing on the left?"

Behind the main guard, the pole was straight and thin, as would be expected of a jousting lance, but that regularity lasted for scarcely a single hoof-length before another confusing appendage stuck out. This time, it was a somewhat long, leather strap with, of all things, an arched brass stirrup at the end. Not that Artemis was going to say that word out loud! She’d been embarrassed enough when she’d half-drunkenly blurted out one detail of her actual private life. She wasn’t about to let out a fictional detail, now of all times.

Anyways, the strap with the... 'hoof-rest' -- if it was a hoof-rest... extended a few hooves just to the left side of the box, where it was joined by yet another protrusion, this time in the form of some kind of 'rear crossguard' -- a short perpendicular bar placed at the butt of the pole, scarcely two hooves wide on either side.

All in all, the lance-ish looking weapon was about four hooves of conical lance, and maybe two hooves of grip. Not only was it short, but it was extremely lopsided, too. Artemis figured she’d learned just about all she could from just staring at Her Ladyship's gift.

Clearing her throat, she looked over at Honour. "Well, uh, Corporal, may I draw arms?"

With a wary look on her face, Corporal Bound nodded, and Artemis lay down to set about unhooking the stiff leather straps holding the 'lance' firmly in the case. As she undid the first one, she noticed there was a tiny bronze plaque, surrounded by satin, in the middle of the inside of the lid. Leaning in close, she could just make out the shallowly-engraved words...

'Bradamante Growler'

That would be the original owner, surely. It must've been made specifically for her, whoever she was -- and whatever this was. There were another couple of lines beneath it, in smaller text.

'A. Theolonicus'

Instantly, Artemis recoiled back from the case in shock, falling onto her back, and her mouth hanging agape. "Holy hurricanes!!"

Honour and Lily both stared down at her like she’d lost her mind.

Artemis pointed a hoof at the plaque. "... It's a Theolonicus!"

The Corporal lifted her eyebrows knowingly and turned to squint at the plaque.

Glamerspear, however, screwed up her snout like Artemis had just spoken in another language. "It's a what?"

Getting back to her hooves, the pegasus explained. "It's a Theolonicus! You know, as in made by Anthony Theolonicus? The famous unicorn armorer?"

Lily shook her head, lip curling up. "Who?"

Honour lifted her head up from the case. "I thought you liked paying attention to the luxury market, Glamerspear. Theolonicus lived around three hundred years ago, and he's said to have been one of the finest armorers Equestria's ever seen. All of his works have a reputation for being just flat-out better than anything else around. Today, his most famous works can sell for literal boatloads of bits at auction."

Glamerspear snorted. "I pay attention to luxury fashion, Corporal, not historical oddities and curiosities. And I don't mix business with pleasure." Placing a hoof on her chest, she curled her shoulders inward playfully. "If my salt-lick wants to show off his latest painting or statue or whatever, I'll fawn over it, but I don't pretend like I know what the buck it's about or who the buck made it."

Corporal Bound sighed and rolled her eyes, turning back to the weapon.

Artemis looked down at the last line on the plaque.

'712'

‘Hurricanes!’

This was a two-hundred-and-ninety-year-old weapon!

The pegasus specialist tried to suppress her exuberance as she explained things for her unicorn comrade's benefit. "The plaque inside the case says Anthony Theolonicus made this two hundred and ninety years ago for a 'Bradamante Growler.'"

Sitting up, Artemis crossed her forelegs and tapped one forehoof on her chin. "...Usually, Theolonicus weapons are named for their original owner, so I guess that makes this the 'Bradamante.' But I've never heard anything about that particular Growler; I guess they weren't very famous."

Honour nodded. "That would probably explain why Lady Growler was willing to part with it as a thank-you gift."

Artemis went back to undoing the leather straps -- more carefully and reverently, this time. "I suppose so. But even the less-famous ones are still very valuable; it's a piece of Equestrian cultural history!"

Bobbing her head left and right, she undid the final strap. "Captain Goldenfoil, her aide-de-camp, did mention that if I thought it was too great a present, then I was welcome to return it in a few weeks."

Artemis heard Corporal Bound mutter under her breath. "Where's my buckin' too-great-a-present..."

Ignoring her superior's indignation, she flapped her wings to hover in mid-air and gently tried to pick up the strange weapon. It was heavier than her greatspear, which was heavy enough as it was, and hoisting the strange Theolonicus weapon into the air was made doubly awkward by the fact that it was so front-heavy -- the thing was all lance and no shaft. There was almost nothing to tuck under her torso and hind legs! And Artemis couldn’t just grab it higher up the point -- the strange, lopsided hoofguard got in the way of her... well, everything.

Glamerspear looked up at the pegasus. "Genius armorer, huh? He must've been having an off day when he made this one."

She smirked as Artemis struggled to get a grip on the thing. "Or maybe this 'Bradamante' was, like, missing a couple of hooves or something?"

As the pegasus wrestled with the weapon, it started to seem like her unicorn comrade might be right.

Honour narrowed her eyes and stared at the strange device. "How about you try putting your forehooves behind the lance-guard, and then put your hind hooves on that crossbar thing just behind it?"

Artemis frowned as she considered the corporal’s idea. "If I do, though, my hooves'll all be pressed together. I won't have hardly any grip, and I won't be able to tuck it up against my body!"

Regardless, she gave it a try. It was awkward, but it did seem to be manageable. However, the weapon was utterly useless like that, unless it spat magical fire -- and even then, it was hardly ideal, because her grip was so loose that she was worried about dropping the antique. Also, she definitely didn’t have a firm enough grip to aim it very well. Artemis was left just sort of hovering in the air with her back up vertical, struggling to support the lance's weight in her forehooves alone.

Honour nodded and pointed at the specialist’s hind hooves. "What happens if you try to pull your hindlegs back?"

‘Pull my legs back?’

‘There's nowhere to pull my legs back to.’

"Okay, Corporal, but I don't want to damage what could be one of Lady Growler's priceless heirl-"

ka-CHONK!

"-ooms... Oh."

As soon as Artemis applied firm pressure with her hind hooves while still holding the guard with her forehooves, the rest of the shaft -- which was apparently tucked up inside the lance-point -- came dropping out into place with an angry metallic crash. She now held a lance of proper point-to-shaft proportions, with a haft long enough to tuck under her and a reasonably-sized 'business end'.

It was still shorter than her great spear, however.

And it was still bizarrely accessorized.

Tucking it up underneath her body as she would any other polearm, Artemis realized that the crossguard at the butt end of the shaft was now perfectly positioned as a rest for her hind-hooves. And the strangely-shaped front guard seemed to be encouraging her to place both of her forehooves on the grip, with the wide flared part serving as a kind of built-in jousting shield on her weapon side, and the narrow, spike-like protrusion acted as a bar to allow her to rest some of the weapon's weight on her crossed foreleg.

After another moment or two of fiddling, Artemis settled into a reasonably comfortable pose with the weapon. It still looked bizarre, and the need to use all four of her hooves to hold it is still very unusual -- and very limiting, too, as she didn’t think she could swing it around at all, not like her current great-spear. She was basically stuck in place like this; only her head and wings could move. But... with a little practice, Artemis could see using the 'Bradamante' lance in a charge, at least. Not very versatile, and she imagined it would also stick in whatever she lanced, but still, it was a weapon.

"Hmmm... I guess this is it, then. It doesn't seem very useful. Maybe it was a ceremonial weapon, for tournament jousts?"

Glamerspear just shrugged, but Honour shook her head. "Maybe, but that doesn't really make sense. I don't think anypony was running serious tilts even four hundred years ago, never mind only three. By the 700s, they would've just been for show, as they are now. Strange to order a custom weapon from Theolonicus merely for play-jousting. And why bother making it collapsible? That's something you'd want more on a weapon to carry into battle..."

Artemis didn’t have answers to those questions, but then Honour nodded at the stirrup. "And what's that thing, down there? A sling attachment, for carrying it casually? Is there a shoulder-strap still in the case?"

The corporal peeked into the box, but Artemis knew she wouldn’t find anything in there. That stirrup-on-a-strap could be only for one purpose -- holding one of Artemis’ hind hooves. The only question was, why? What could the stirrup do that the crossguard hoofrest couldn't?

She looked down at the rear of the lance. Just slightly ahead of the rear crossguard, the stirrup was hanging neatly against the shaft. Funny enough, the strap holding it in place was actually held up against the shaft by a series of small, brass hoops only slightly larger than the strap itself. And rather than being fixed to a stud, the cord appeared to actually go up into the body of the weapon through a small hole. What in Celestia's name could it all be for?

Artemis turned around in the air and nodded at Glamerspear. "Lily, can you tell if this weapon is magical at all?"

Scrunching up her snout a bit, Lily shrugged. "I dunno. I don't feel anything, but, like, lots of magical stuff doesn't really radiate magic unless it's being actively used, ya know? It takes a certain skill to detect those kinds of dormant energies -- and I haven't got it. Sorry." She lifted an eyebrow. "... Did this Theolonicus colt even make non-magical stuff? So wouldn't this one have to be enchanted, too, if it's not a knock-off?"

There were plenty of Theolonicus imitations and fakes, but it seemed unlikely that the Growler family would have kept something non-genuine in their famed collection.

Artemis nodded, feeling uncertain of just what she was supposed to do with this gift. "Yes, all of Theolonicus' weapons are supposedly magical, but often the magic was just to keep the blade very sharp, or to make the weapon lighter than usual."

Feeling the lance's weight drag her down a bit, Artemis adjusted her grip and flapped herself a bit higher off the ground. "... I think we can rule out that last one; it's heavy. But this, uh, 'sling attachment' seems just big enough to rest a hoof in. Let me see what happens if I take one of my hind hooves off of the crossbar and place it i-"

KURR-FFWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHH!

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