Everyday Life With Guardsmares
Chapter 54
Previous Chapter Next ChapterLily Glamerspear
‘This still sucks!’
‘Still!’
Venting her displeasure on the door, Lily Glamerspear kicked it closed with one hind hoof as she trotted into the commons area of their shared room. Sitting at the card table, Corporal Bound looked up from the Royal Engineer's book, glancing at Lily’s horn.
"Still spellbound?"
The unicorn reared back and threw her forehooves up in the air in frustration. "Still spellbound! Grrrr!"
Getting back on all fours, she trundled over to the sofa and flung herself onto it. "'Your mana levels are still elevated,' they tell me. PUH!"
Lying on her back, she angrily cycled her forehooves in the air as if punching an invisible speedbag. "'Better play it safe for one more day'. Bwetuh-pwuh-uht-swafe-fuh-uwh-muh-duhHHhhh!" Pursing her lips and wobbling her head against the sofa cushion while still batting in the air, Lily melodically mocked the medbay maniatrician's message.
After getting it out of her system a bit, she turned her head to see if the corporal was still paying attention to her. She was, with her usual 'I'm-not-interested-but-I'm-listening-anyways' look.
Lily stared at Honour wide-eyed, nodding her head. "I'm going nuts, Corporal! It feels like I've been chained up for, like, four whole months!"
The Corporal rolled her eyes at Lily and started to get back into her book. "It's been a week, Glamerspear. Not even that -- it's only Saturday morning, and they clamped you on Tuesday afternoon. That's just four days."
Flipping over onto her belly, Lily clambered up onto the armrest, shaking her forehooves in supplication. "Four days might as well be four months! I'm a unicorn gunner, Corporal! I live to blast things out of the sky! I can't survive like this -- on medical leave, spellbound and collared, forced to just sit around all day long, my withers withering and my plot thickening from sheer idleness."
Corporal Bound shook her head and rolled her eyes again. "Don't be so melodramatic. It's not like being a VIP bodyguard involves a lot of physical activity."
How could she say that, what with her scheming ex-coltfriend out on the loose!
Lily pointed an accusing hoof in Bound’s direction. "Yeah? It was a week ago today we were duelling the First Canterlot Air Superiority Wing. I bet you've still got the bruises."
Honour Bound picked up her book and tried to get back to reading about pipes and steam and steel and whatever. "That was an exception, Glamerspear, and you know it. I don't know why you're getting so worked up about everything." Pausing, she looked up again. "...You know we're only ten days into this assignment?"
Lily piped up loudly. "Yeah! And I've been on medical leave for half of it! I'm tired of this crap!" Squinting, she reached up for her horn. "I swear, I have half a mind to just rip this stupid thing off myself, just so I can let fly a few rounds."
That failed to get Bound’s attention, so she continued on. "Or so that I can be ready to save our VIP from Celestia's fearsome flying carriage of doom when we head back out to Newcastle-upon-Mare for his suit of armor next week!"
This time, Honour did look up -- though, not at Lily. Staring wide-eyed off into the distance, Honour swallowed, and Lily swore she could see a shiver run down her spine.
"That... would be nice."
Two rides in that damned carriage! Two rides too many! And that damned Pegasus team leader! 'Oh, the wheels aren't really made to bear the weight on the ground, sorry, it's really a flying carriage only.'
‘BUCK YOU, BUDDY!’
The bucking carriage wasn't made to bear the weight of anypony who didn't have wings themselves, more like! If the Royal Engineer intended to take that flying deathtrap again, Lily had definitely better brush up on her emergency levitation spells.
Or bring a parachute.
As Lily and her Corporal both silently contemplated another ride in that horrifying contraption, there was a knock at the door. Funnily enough, rather than forcing Lily, the subordinate, to answer the door, Honour got up and went towards it herself. Maybe it was a good way to clear her mind of the terrifying imagery. Lily would definitely rather be continuing her hissy fit about the spellbinders than thinking about the flying carriage, that's for sure.
As Lily laid on the sofa, staring at the wall, forelegs on the armrest and hind legs stretched out on the cushions, she heard the door shut before Corporal Bound trotted by, flipping a small piece of paper down on the coffee table.
"Calling card for you."
‘Huh?’
Lily reached over and picked up the thick slip, reading the message against the elegant floral background. "Oh, buck me! Damn that colt!" Turning over the card to make sure it wasn’t a joke, she flipped around to seat herself properly on the sofa once more.
Honour picked up her book and looked ready to dig in, but she nodded wearily in Lily’s direction. "What is it?"
She put the card down beside her, shaking her head. "It's Captain Mailedhoof. He 'requests the pleasure of my company at dinner tonight' -- in the Officers' Mess." Sighing, Lily slumped her shoulders.
Honour just scoffed. "On a Saturday? Doesn't he have a family?"
Lily turned to look up at the Corporal. "Yeah, but he sends them to his parents' country estate on weekends -- especially in the spring, when Celestia runs weekend court, and in the summer, when the city gets too hot, and in the fall, when I don't remember what excuse he uses." She smirked. "And since he's in charge of the court guard detail, he has to stay. Nice arrangement for a philandering salt-lick. I bet he volunteered for the duty."
Honour shrugged. "What's the problem with the invitation, then? Isn't it what you wanted?"
The unicorn gestured up at her horn. "Yeah, but not like this!" Slumping back down, she slouched in her seat. "... I'll be the laughingstock of the place if I trot in with this E-collar and set of shackles."
As Lily tried to scheme a way out of this -- preferably, out of the shackles and into the Officers' Mess -- Honour looked her up and down.
"It doesn't sound like a problem to me."
‘Is this mare serious?’
This boring brown mare, with her snout stuck in a book, her hair up in a braid, and no coltfriend to speak of -- she was trying to give her social & fashion advice?
Lily scrunched up her face and ripped into her situation. "What! I've got a freaking cone on my horn, Corporal! And it's a room full of officers -- lieutenants, captains, majors, colonels, generals... And their high-society wives and marefriends -- and saltines -- too! I don't know what your idea of fashionable is, but medical accessories are definitely not 'the new black' this spring!"
Honour let her finish her rant and waited for Lily to catch her breath before answering.
"You're looking at it all wrong, Glamerspear. It's not a medical accessory; it's a war wound, and you're a decorated, battle-scarred warrior walking into the Officers' Mess after her latest conquest." She shrugged her eyebrows and softened her expression, turning back to her book. "If you ask me, that sounds pretty good for impressing a crowd of do-nothing noblepony officers. They love to hear from Equestria's 'valiant fighting ponies.' And doubly so when your 'latest conquest' happens to be somepony whose squadron just caused a public incident and embarrassed the landed gentry of Equestria."
The implications of Honour’s proposal dawned on Lily, and her eyebrows slowly raised as her frown turned into a smile.
"Oh. My. Celestia..."
Grinning from cheek to cheek, she looked admiringly up at her level-headed corporal. "... That is freaking genius! They'll be all over me for stories about the fight with Kilfeather! And Mailedhoof hasn't seen me wear my Silver Ram yet, either! I'll be the star of the evening!"
Seductively shrugging one shoulder, Lily made kissy lips at the Corporal. "... And that's what the colts like in a saltine, you know -- a mare who makes them look good."
Smiling, she lowered her forehooves back down. "... How did you figure this out?"
Honour looked disinterestedly down at the specialist from her perch at the card-table. "You have to be able to improvise these sorts of things as a leader, you know." With a brief hint of a smirk, she got back to her book. "Anyways, when you've been around VIPs for as long as I have, you start to know how they tick. They love common-born military heroes who enforce the social order."
Nodding enthusiastically, Lily jumped up onto her hind hooves, then pounded one forehoof into the other. "I've got just enough time to run a few laps around Canterlot Mountain to burn off all this baggage I'm carrying, before I have to get myself ready for an evening with the captain!"
Honour whinnied through her lips. "Hunrhnft. Honestly, run if you want to, but I don't think you've put on any weight. How much could you have possibly gained in just four days?"
Lily got back down on all fours. "But I always wore my croupiere-belt at the second notch, damn it! Not the third!"
Honour just shrugged and shook her head. "Your butt looks the same to me, Specialist. Maybe you were always closer to the third; did you ever have somepony help fit it on you?"
Lily shook her head. "No, we all just figured it out ourselves, with some basic instructions from the sergeant."
Honour nodded. "Yeah, exactly -- same as everypony else. But Gunther Bronzehorn looks like he really knows his stuff. If he says you should have your straps one way, I think you should listen to him. I might even ask him myself for advice next time we're out there."
Lily nodded back. It was a fair point. Taking a deep breath, she looked towards the door. "I suppose so. I think I'll still go out for a jog, though. I could use the exercise."
The Corporal gathered up her book, looking almost enthusiastic at the prospect of being left alone with her reading material. "Alright, see you around."
As Lily headed back out into the hallway, well-lit from the skylights above, she was starting to feel like maybe things didn’t suck quite so much. At least, not when she had a clever-horse squad leader like the Corporal watching her back!
Artemis Sparkshower
Specialist Artemis Sparkshower had a lot of things on her mind right now. Foremost among them was the letter to her sweet Huckleberry Pudding.
‘He must have received it by now!’
With Glamerspear's advice on Thursday morning, she had managed to finish it and send it off that afternoon. And mail from Berry usually only took two days to get to Canterlot, from what she saw of the postmarks. That meant her Puddin' could be reading it right now.
Artemis tried to mentally broadcast waves of positive thoughts.
'Write back saying that of course you'll come!'
It hadn't worked the last few times she’d tried that sort of thing, but it couldn't hurt, right? Huckleberry could be a stubborn pony; the kind you could give a ticket to the country's biggest and grandest and most important party, and still have them say they don't want to come. Not that she’d have him any other way, but the anxiety was really frustrating!
And it was all supposed to have been so easy. Huckleberry, hard worker and tight-lipped as he was, would never knowingly complain about his job, but Artemis knew he was getting a little tired of working as a farmhand on the Shortcakes' plantation. He was a plain colt with few worldly wants, but he couldn't go his whole life just picking strawberries in someone else's yard. Since buying his own farm was a ways off, well, Artemis had said maybe he should try to get a job somewhere else. When the opportunity to interview for the VIP service had come up, she’d brought him along for a trip to the Canterlot employment office. And the colt at bureau had said there were plenty of opportunities for a pony of his size and strength.
Coachpony pulling passenger carriages, or luggage-porter drawing freight cart. Construction worker building Canterlot's fine structures, or navy laborer laying and maintaining the county's waterways, roadways, and railways. Street-sweeper keeping the roads clean of dust.
They weren’t glamorous positions, sure, but it was easy work to get into and out of, and if he didn't like it, the Shortcakes had promised to hire him right back if it didn't work out after a few months. Heck, they'd said even if he did like it, they'd be glad to have him back in the late spring for when the harvest work was heaviest and they needed the extra hooves. Everything had been all set when she’d transferred to Canterlot in the winter for her training; Huckleberry was to follow along and try his luck at the professions on offer.
By the time her training was done and her first assignment was about to begin, he'd have had four months already to get the feel for Canterlot. If he'd felt it wasn't going to work, then Artemis would try to back out of VIP service -- it was a volunteer position, after all -- or just serve a single three-month term before transferring back to her old unit, the 23rd Air Wing, based out of Fort Fickle in Berry.
But no.
The month had come and gone while she was in VIP training and then another three on half-pay waiting for assignment. And even though she’d found him a potential apartment -- very modestly priced, but in a nice neighbourhood and with a friendly landlady! -- he'd stayed in Berry.
In winter, with nothing to do on a strawberry patch covered in snow.
‘Grr!’
Artemis tried not to get angry at her Puddin', but he could be berry, berry frustrating!
...Very very frustrating, rather.
But everything could still work out, if he'd just come for the Gala. She’d saved up enough for him to spend a week in a small hotel afterwards. If he just gave Canterlot a try, Artemis was sure he would like it! She just had to get him back there, first. Then, after that, maybe they could get a place together. It wouldn't matter if it was far from the palace -- she didn't mind flying a long commute. And if she got tired of VIP service, they'd always be happy to have her at one of the city or palace garrisons.
One of the perks of being a 'rarity' -- a 19D Armored Scout who was a pegasus, rather than an earth pony -- was that every single armored division wanted to get their hooves on her. So, even though there weren't a lot of them compared to the regular infantry divisions, she still got her pick. Like the Royal Hussars, based in Canterlot. Or even the elite Household Cavalry Regiment.
And, apparently, Artemis’ proficiency with Griffonese had earned her an opportunity just outside Canterlot, in the Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's Regiment of Auxiliaries. That would be a bit far for a Canterlot commute, and Newcastle-upon-Mare was such a tiny place, but with an officer's salary she could easily support both herself and her Puddin', no matter what he found himself able to do.
Definitely something to think about.
And to talk about with Huckleberry in her next letter.
‘Oh, thundershowers!’ There she was, thinking five flaps into the future when she’d had enough on her back for the first flap, let alone the next four. Artemis had other concerns, too, but these seemed almost trivial in comparison.
One was a general apprehension about this 'training' that Ebonshield wanted to conduct with the Royal Engineer. She hadn't said much about it -- not that she'd had the opportunity, really, since things had been so busy, but she could have made the opportunity if she'd wanted to.
What exactly was it going to entail? Did she need to get some extra equipment herself? Like a training lance, maybe, with a dulled tip and softer wooden shaft? She certainly didn't want to conduct a live-action exercise with her own VIP! What would happen if she injured him!
Nothing good, that's for sure.
She was also worried about her comrade Glamerspear. At breakfast that morning, she'd made it clear she was starting to get a bit stir-crazy about those shackles on her horn. She didn't manage to get them off today -- Honour had told her as much when she’d gone up for lunch.
Lily herself was still out, though nopony seemed to know where. Running a lap around the mountain wouldn't have taken that long, and when she’d stopped by the sentry post on her way to the mess hall, it turned out that she'd never actually checked out of the palace grounds. Corporal Bound had told her about the big date she had with Captain Mailedhoof tonight; maybe she was preparing for it?
Well, wherever she was, Artemis hoped it was all going to work out in the end. She had enough to worry about with her coltfriend; she didn't need to be worrying about her new marefriend as well.
And then there was this Lieutenant Kilfeather! Honour and Glam had told her all about him last night, about how he had all but threatened the Royal Engineer -- HER Royal Engineer! -- with another personal combat challenge!
Ebonshield and Honour had deliberately kept her upstairs during the meeting, according to them to 'protect her.’ It was a good thing they had, because from the sounds of it, she would have joined in with Glamerspear in kicking that jerk's butt! Some ponies just needed a good swift boot to the buttocks, that's all!
So with all these different troubles on her mind, what was one more?
Except it wasn't a trouble, really. It was just curiosity.
Anonymous, By Appointment to Their Majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, Royal Engineer, had been working for two and a half days with the bits and pieces of metal on his workbenches. On Thursday it hadn't looked like much at all. On Friday, Artemis only got a brief glimpse of things before heading out to the Bronzehorn smithy, and her VIP's end goal was still completely inscrutable. But today, things were starting to come together.
He'd been occupied all morning with affixing a number of seemingly independent pieces to a single black wooden base. Brass cylinders, iron and brass wheels, rods, gears, and chains...
And lots of copper tubes of all shapes and lengths, some of them dressed up to resemble a disc plow, with dozens of tiny circles of copper surrounding the pipe.
What could it all mean?
Her VIP had gotten it all put together before lunch, and was now busy tweaking the components according to whatever strange plan he was following. He must have been close to being done, because he'd filled several of the cylinders with different fluids. Water, for one, and what looked like a few different kinds of oils. Except he wasn't building Equestria's most advanced perfume applicator, because they weren't fragrant oils, but rather cooking and heating oils. They were smelly, and not in a good way.
And they were messy, too -- his apron was now smeared with oil stains and grease. Wisely, he'd had a number of canvas drop-clothes brought in that morning to cover the floor around his working area. It was so considerate of him to be concerned about spilling oil all over Their Majesties' palace carpets!
But just what was he building?
"I think that's it. How about that!" Looking very pleased with himself, Artemis’ VIP took a step back to admire his creation.
"... I think it's ready for a test drive. What do you think, Specialist?" He turned to her, as if she had any idea what was going on.
"Er... What is it, sir?"
Still smiling, her VIP held up a single finger, waggling it in the air. "A piece of the future, Specialist Sparkshower! With this little machine, I will reveal a tiny glimpse of what science & industry can do to change Equestria!"
Lowering his hands to wipe them on his apron, he strode enthusiastically over to the patio door.
"Step on up to the table; I'll just open up the door for some fresh air, first."
As he did so, she stepped forwards and got a closer look at his creation. There was a single, very large brass cylinder, thin-walled and fairly light -- that was the one he filled with water. From what she could tell, it fed water into another cylinder that had some strange things happening to it. There were lots of pipes and things going into and out of that one. Including one copper conduit to another cylinder that Artemis knew was filled with the smelly heating oil. Besides that, the bundle of rods and gears seemed more to be assembled next to the water-and-oil assembly than a part of it. It still didn’t make any sense, but the Royal Engineer certainly seemed enthusiastic, so it must be interesting.
Maybe it all had something to do with the big gear wheel attached to a shaft with the rods? That was certainly the largest single piece, besides the water tank.
"All right, ready for this?" Anonymous stepped up behind her and pulled a matchbox out of his pocket.
"Yes, sir!" His excitement was infectious, and Artemis really was starting to feel like something big was about to happen.
Twisting open a valve and opening a small cover in the contraption, he struck a match and stuck it in. Artemis could hear the tiniest 'whoosh' as if she’d just lit a large oil lamp, and Anonymous threw the match in and closed the cover.
"Now, we just wait for the water to boil -- it should only take a minute or two."
‘So it was some kind of kettle? What’s wrong with an ordinary copper one over a fire?’
She kept her questions to herself, lest she appear foalish. Anyways, she was going to find out what it did soon enough. Seconds ticked by on her VIP's elegant lighthouse clock in the middle of the room.
Smoke began to come out of the complicated cylinder; it was a good thing the outside door was open. Anonymous occasionally put his hand up to the large cylinder, feeling it for heat. After a minute, it was so hot he couldn't touch it any more, and he stopped checking it, instead donning some heavy leather gauntlets.
Then she saw steam start to come out of one of the other cylinders. It was surprising to see it coming out all the way down there, when she knew that the 'kettle' cylinder was a full hoof-and-a-half away on the other side of the board.
"... There's the steam. Any minute now..."
There was a soft 'pffsht' noise, and then another 'pffsht', and then another...
‘Things are moving!’
The two big rods started to push and pull against the big gear wheel, each time emitting a soft 'pffsht' and sure enough, it moved along with them.
Artemis could scarcely believe her eyes. Pointing with her hoof, she stared at the wondrous contraption as the gear wheel spinned faster and faster. "Boiled water is doing this, sir? Moving that wheel?"
Anonymous folded his arms across his chest. "Yes it is, Specialist! It's a two-cylinder steam engine, just like the one I built from a model kit when I was a teenager. A bit bigger, perhaps, but then I've got bigger plans for this one than simply looking 'cool' on my bookshelf."
The wheel was really spinning at a furious rate, and Anonymous reached over to tighten a valve. Almost instantly, things slowed down a bit. "Now that it's assembled, it's time to put it to work. Would you bring over that wagon, Specialist?" He pointed at a four-wheeled delivery cart, standing upright in the corner.
It didn’t escape her notice that the cart was just big enough to hold his 'steam engine'.
"Yes, sir. Where are we taking it, sir?"
As Artemis pulled the cart over to his workbench, Anonymous was busy closing valves and shutting his machine down. "To the garage. I finally received my special order from the Robinsfoal company of Mount Street last night."
Robinsfoal, Artemis knew, was a coach building company based in Canterlot. They’d even made the Royal flying carriage that her VIP had ridden in last night!
Hoisting up the wooden board with both hands, Anonymous squatted down and lowered it onto the cart with a grunt. Then he smiled and winked at her as he grabbed a toolbox. "This weekend, I'm going to try to build an automobile."
‘An 'automobile'? What in Equestria was that?’
Then again, Artemis supposed it probably wasn't in Equestria.
Not yet, at least.
Suggested interlude music: Marko Polo - 'Speedy Speed Boy'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlpByUfVGHY
