Lily Glamerspear

---

Specialist Lily Glamerspear had a headache. And it was entirely her own fault.

She was back in her quaternion's quarters on the second floor of Canterlot Palace. She’d drunk until she was blued at the officers' canteen -- on Captain Mailedhoof's dime, of course. Then that same colt blue-beaned her with a quick pump-and-dump in his 'guest room.'

And what did she decide to do after she unhappily, and unsoberly, half-staggered her way back home? Why, she sat down at the card-table and pulled open 'De Magia Unicornis' to wrack what few brain cells were left still functional in order to try to figure out -- yet again -- how the batpony 'Balladeer of Ghosts' had managed his trick at the sand pit. It was like trying to cram for an exam at the literal last minute, but Lily didn't have anything better to do. Besides, she’d probably run into Ignacio on tomorrow night's planned expedition. And she didn't like the idea of showing up empty-hoofed, with no answer to his puzzle. So, 'De Magia Unicornis' it was.

"Guh." Lily expressed her frustration aloud to no-one in particular.

Her brothers, who were in a position to know, all called that book 'the only textbook a university-bound unicorn would ever need,' and she’d even had some exposure to it beforehoof. Back when she was too young to even know what a good party was, let alone sneak out to get blind drunk at one, she did used to -- ‘ugh’ -- hang out with her brothers. Lupin, the oldest, liked to give nightly 'lectures' from 'De Magia Unicornis'; picking a section and then explaining the basics. He wasn't in university at that point, but he'd practically slept with the tome ever since their mom had scraped together the bits to buy it for his 14th birthday. Given how familiar the sections felt to her now, a decade later, he must have done a good job.

Flipping the pages aimlessly, scraping her hooves and her mind to try to find an answer, she found herself staring at a familiar section title.

'On the Debilitating Effects Caused by the Overuse of Magic'

Bored, Lily read over the symptoms that had afflicted her just a week ago.

'Nausea and vomiting'

That had come immediately after firing off that enormous burst at Val.

‘Diarrhoea’

That had taken a little while to come in, and -- thank Celestia -- it hadn't been too bad.

'Headache'

‘For sure.’

'Fever'

‘Yeah, and fever-dreams too.’

'Dizziness and disorientation'.

‘Yep.’

'Cognitive impairment'

‘Oh yeah.’

Every single symptom -- Lily’d had it.

With a sigh, she absentmindedly kept reading.

'Effects Upon the Unborn Childe'

"Eww, ick."

But morbid curiosity kept her reading along anyways. 'If the mother should overuse magic while a foal is still within her wombe, then that childe will be borne suffering from effects both severe and permanent. The childe may suffer blindness of the eyes...'

"Oh, come on! 'Blindness of the eyes' -- where else are they gonna be blind, old colt who wrote this thing?"

Lily shook her head. It was bad enough that she had to deal with 'Ye Archaic Languagee,' to have to deal with crappy formatting and awful grammar, too. Did they pay by the word back then or something?

'... or they may suffer from limbes twisted and gnarled as if from leprosy...'

"Gross!"

'... and in all cases it is assured that the childe shall be sterile.'

Lily scrunched up her snout for that one.

‘So if mom gets hopped up on mana while she's pregnant, baby pops out blind, sterile, and deformed?’

‘That sure buckin' sucks.’

Lily stared at the page for a few more moments, the letters blending into each other.

‘Wait a minute…’

In the haze brought on by six griffonese vodka shooters and one abortive orgasm, Lily thought back to the batpony mage, who’d said that any batpony born during an eclipse would become one of their sorcerers...

... and be cursed with blindness, sterility, and crippled limbs.

"Foal of a b-"

Lily dropped her outburst when the hallway door suddenly opened. In stepped Honour, wearing her mess dress, the top buttons undone. She didn’t look too happy. Lily glanced at the clock.

It was barely nine-thirty.

"You're back early, Corporal."

Honour stopped and shot the unicorn a tired, dismissive glance. "Something wrong with my arrival time, Specialist?"

‘Oh, that's right, I’m dealing with extra-grumpy Honour today.’

‘Sheeesh, I thought a date would have cheered her up.’

Lily just shrugged. "No, but weren't you out with Mister Slow-Play tonight? What is this, date number five? Or six? Talk about not bucking on the first date..."

Honour’s only response was to grumble and look away, so Lily carried on. "I thought you liked him? When's he gonna make a move on you? Or you on him?"

The corporal took a deep breath, then fixed Lily in her gaze. "Not that it's any of your business, but as a matter of fact, he did make a move on me tonight."

‘Buckin' finally!’

"That's good to hear. So why are you here instead of boinking each other in a hotel bedroom?"

She rolled her eyes. "Believe it or not, Glamerspear, I like colts for more than just what they've got slung below their saddles. It wasn't that kind of proposal."

‘Now there's an interesting word to use.’

"Oh? What kind of 'proposal' was it?"

Honour lifted her eyebrows. "He asked me to come live with him. Back in Fillydelphia."

Now it was Lily’s turn to lift her own brow up. "Really? You like this colt, right? I mean, really like?"

Honour nodded. "Yeah, I've known him for years. He's a good colt, and a good friend. A good soldier, too."

Lily leaned over a bit. "So you said 'yes'?"

Honour nodded again. "I did."

Glamerspear smiled and leaned over some more. "Great... So why aren't you boinking him right now?"

As the corporal rolled her eyes, Lily found herself leaning dangerously far over, and had to stamp a hoof down on the table just to keep her balance. "... I'm just sayin', if a colt I liked, I mean really liked, popped the big question on a Saturday night, I sure wouldn't be walking back to barracks all depressed looking at nine-bucking-thirty." With a chuckle, she struggled a bit to sit back up straight again. "I'd be spending the night trying to suck his brains out through his loins, and getting bucked so hard my grandma'd feel it. I'm talking put-quintuplet-foals-in-me levels of deep."

Honour scrunched up her snout. "You're drunk, Glamerspear."

Lily giggled. "Yeah, a little. Gotta have some booze in me to look over this damn thing." She gestured her forehooves at the book spread open before her.

The corporal nodded at the text. "Still trying to figure out the batpony's spell?"

Turning to the tome, the unicorn nodded along with her. "Yeah... Think I figured somethin' else out. Buck if I can see the use of it, though."

Lily looked back in her direction, hooking a foreleg over the back of her chair. "That 'Balladeer of Ghosts' colt, he's got all the symptoms of his mom having had acute mana poisoning. Maybe it's got to do with being born under the eclipse, I dunno. Doesn't really help me understand his magic, anyways."

Flipping the cover closed, she threw her free foreleg up in the air. "And as for why I'm back here already, I guess you could say that after just one week of 'dating,' I seem to have already exhausted the good manners of his Lordship, the honorable Captain Montgomery Mailedhoof." Lily shrugged. "By which I mean he got his and then told me to scram. All after having showed me off in the canteen to his well-heeled friends, of course." Pushing the book away, she slouched down in her chair, feeling deflated. "I'm a bit drunk and more than a bit unsatisfied. I was just wondering if you'd suffered a similar fate, that's all... Sorry if it was crass, Corporal."

Honour sat down on her haunches and ran a forehoof back and forth over her chin and under her muzzle. "Yeah... Okay..."

Then she nodded at the cup in front of Glamerspear on the table. "...What are you drinking, there?"

Lily glanced down at it. "Just water."

Standing up again, Honour stepped over to the table and pulled back one of the empty chairs. "Pour me some, would you?"

In the time it took Lily to brusquely levitate over another one of the copper cups and fill it from the water jug -- spilling only a little bit! -- Honour got herself situated in the chair to her left.

Honour lifted up the cup in her forehoof as if making a toast, so Lily followed along.

"To colts, Specialist -- and to the problems they cause."

‘Weird toast, but okay.’

"To colts, Corporal."

Lily tipped her cup back and took a good mouthful, but Honour drained the whole tumbler in one go. Almost slamming the empty vessel down on the table, she motioned with one forehoof for Lily to pour her another.

‘It's just water, Corporal.’

‘Celestia, she must be as hammered as I am.’

‘Maybe even more.’

Lily seized the jug in her aura and took her time tipping it over. She didn’t really want to waste any more from spillage, because if the earth pony was still thirsty when it was empty, she knew exactly who Honour would send to fill it up again. And Lily wasn’t sure she wanted to stagger around in Her Majesty's palace corridors any more tonight.

"Why do you do it, Lily?"

The sudden question disturbed her gentle telekinetic grip, and a bit of water sloshed out onto the table.

"Huh?"

"The whole saltine-and-salt-lick arrangement. Why do you hook up with jerkwad noblecolts? Is it just for the money?"

‘Geez, she must really be smashed.’

‘She used my first name, too!’

"The money, sure, a little. Then there's the gifts -- the fancy clothes, the nice jewellery-"

Honour interrupted before she could continue, jerking a forehoof behind her at the unicorn’s door. "Mino-dung. Have you seen your wardrobe? The doors don't close and the drawers don't either -- the thing is full to bursting. The jewelry boxes, too. If I thought the Royal Engineer was ever coming up here for an inspection, I'd have made you throw half that stuff out -- or tucked it away in a chest in the palace cellar, at least. You don't need some noblepony giving you any more."

Picking up her water, she took a sip before continuing. "Besides, you know how to get good stuff for a bargain. You found Gala dresses for Artemis and me both, with accessories and within the budget of a couple of Equestria's enlisted mooks. Is it worth going through all this just for some jewels and silk?"

‘This is getting a bit personal.’

‘Well, those who live by the gossip…’

"There's the society, too. The fancy clubs, the gourmet restaurants, the opening-night shows... Places I would never be able to go otherwise."

The corporal narrowed her eyes. "Griffon-guano! You've got good looks, Lily. You're wasting it on these temporary arrangements. Why don't you find a real colt who's actually interested in you? You've got talent -- you're a bucking war hero, for Celestia's sake. And if you can read that thing and understand it--"

She gestured at 'De Magia Unicornis.'

"--then you could probably read anything else you put your mind to, too! Why the buck did you enlist in the Guard? How come you didn't go to University? You could almost be commissioning as a lieutenant by now."

Lily scoffed. "Because I didn't want to, that's all. I wanted the glamor, and I didn't want the responsibility or that kind of workload. And if we're gonna talk about reading big books, I think you've got me beat -- I'm just trying to figure out one or two puzzles. You're the pony who's sucking straight from the Royal Engineer's brain-hose with that 'Theory of Science and Industry' book of his."

Slouching in her chair, Honour grumbled. "It's written in modern, easy to read Equestrian. He wanted it to be accessible to the everypony. Not like your archaic treatise on magic."

Lily leaned an elbow on the table and pointed a hoof at the corporal. "Yeah, but you've got it so memorized you buckin' know what he's gonna do to his carriage before he announces it! Come the buck on, if you can memorize random crap like that, you're the one who oughtta be an officer, not me!"

After a moment in silence, Lily reactivated her telekinesis and lifted the water jug up to fill Honour’s cup. "Anyways, if you just accepted a colt's proposal, then we should be celebrating, shouldn't we? I still have some leftover liquor from last week, if you want."

The corporal shook her head. "No. No more liquor for me tonight. I've had enough."

Lily shrugged. "So what's the problem between you and him? You think I oughtta settle down, why don't you tell me how come you can't, first?"

Honour took a deep breath and slouched even more in her chair. "There's nothing wrong between us. I probably would be sleeping with him right now -- if he hadn't also given me some news that spoiled the mood. That's all."

"What kinda news?"

She shook her head again. "The kind where the less said, the better. Nothing to do with him, either. It'll blow over after the Gala is done with, anyways."

‘Strange attitude to have, but whatever. Must be some kinda weird news from home.’

Lily tried to stare down at the cover of 'De Magia Unicornis,' but the cover was a bit blurry. Lowering her snout, she rubbed her eyes with her forehooves.

‘Damn, did somepony steal half my liver or something?’

Six drinks used to mean nothing; Lily used to be able to slam them back and be ready for six more, with zero hangover the next day.

Honour glanced over at the wall clock. "I guess we won't be seeing Ebonshield tonight."

Lowering her hooves, the unicorn snorted. "Yeah, she said she was going to play 'Hyperspace Hyperwars' with that university-frat dweebling she's got tucked in her saddlebag."

She grinned. "You wanna talk about settling down, Honour, talk to 'Miss Purity' over there, preying on colts young enough to be her foals."

That got her an affirmative snort, and Honour twisted her head towards Sparkshower's room, where the door was open. "Did Artemis go out for a late-night snack? Working in the carriage-house with Anonymous tire her out?"

Lily shrugged. "Beats me, Corporal. I haven't seen her, and I've been here since eight-thirty."

The earth pony frowned, and the unicorn tried to focus on the wall clock herself.

‘Buck off, it's almost ten.’

Sparks had the metabolism of a pegasus, all right, eating three times as much as Lily did, but she also had the appetite of a bucking timber wolf, gobbling up her enormous meals before Lily would get barely halfway through hers. So there was no way she’d spent two hours at the canteen after her shift.

"Maybe they're still in the carriage-house?"

Honour scrunched up her snout. "This late? Even the Royal Engineer needs his sleep. And after he insisted on not spoiling our evening plans with a trip to the Rookery, it'd be weird of him to keep Sparkshower working this late."

A thought entered Lily’s mind, and she shrugged her eyebrows. "Maybe they're not working."

The corporal slowly turned her head to face the specialist’s, her eyes narrow like slits. "What do you mean, 'not working'? What else could they be doing?"

Lily snorted. "Gee, Honour, I dunno -- a rich, attractive, successful VIP stud and his sweet, young, tragically-recently-separated guardsmare..."

As Honour’s jaw started to open, revealing grimacing teeth, Lily continued on.

"...Sweating in the carriage-house all afternoon, her without her armor, him peeling down to his underwear, panting and heaving as they labor together..."

Lifting a hoof to her chin, Lily rolled her eyes. "... What-EVER could they possibly be doing with each other at nighttime?"

She was interrupted by a sudden hoof-poke to her barrel.

"That's not funny, Glamerspear. She's your comrade."

Lily waved a forehoof dismissively. "Ah, come off it, Corporal. I'm only joking because they might be doing what I wish we were both doing. I mean, probably they ain't, but if they are, well, the Royal Engineer's all right, and I can imagine worse colts to have scored her on the rebound -- a lot worse."

Honour snorted dismissively. "They're not even the same species, Glamerspear."

Lily blew a lip bubble right back. "Pfffft, like that matters. Every couple of months 'Canterlot Match' breaks a scandal where some depraved unicorn noblepony turns out to be banging a griffon servant, or maybe a dragon, or even a diamond dog."

Smirking, she continued. "Heck, there's ponies out there who think unicorns 'n' pegasi 'n' earth-ponies shouldn't mix. I bet they'd have something to say to Sparkshower's ancestors, with all the earth-blood she must have in her -- and they'd probably be shocked to see what Ebonshield was up to right now, too."

Honour grumbled. "Well how come you're all for the Royal Engineer, now? You didn't think so much of him when you first met him."

Lily shrugged. "I changed my mind. We've been through a lot together, haven't we? I mean, I still think the no-fur thing is pretty weird -- that thin little patch of hair on his chest doesn't make up for all the bare skin -- but, y'know, when you've seen what that body can do, it ain't so unattractive." Chuckling, she shrugged again. "And I guess I've kinda got a thing for colts who know how to take command of a situation, y'know? Like he did at Newstirrup, or just today with Hoofstrong. That's probably why I like licking officer-colt salt the best, heeheehee."

Honour snorted and shook her head, joining in Lily’s chuckle with one of her own. "Sweet Celestia of Equestria, Glamerspear, hahaha..."

The two of them, half-drunk and clam-jammed both, giggled like school-fillies as the hallway door swung open and in walked Sparkshower.

Instantly, Lily burst out, barely managing to get the words out in-between laughs. "Ha-ha! Sparks! Where the buck have you been! The corporal and I have been worried sick!"

Corporal Bound, teary-eyed and still chuckling, joined in admonishing her. "Specialist! You'd better have a bucking good explanation for being late!"

Wide-eyed like she'd just been caught violating curfew by her own mother, their pegasus comrade barely managed to push the door closed before freezing in place. "I... uh..."

Honour doubled over laughing in her chair, slumping her head onto the table and pounding it with a hoof. "Oh, buck me, Glamerspear, you were right."

Lily extended a comforting foreleg over her corporal's shoulder. "Now, now, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this..."

Barely managing to stop herself from cracking up, Lily tried to put on a stern expression for Sparkshower. "... Isn't there, Specialist? Explain yourself to Corporal Bound this instant!"

"Uhm... Well, you see the thing is, Corporal..."

Honour wearily lifted her head from the table, and they both stared as the pegasus stammers out an answer.

"...When we put down our tools for dinner at around seven, the Royal Engineer asked if he could offer me a meal and some advice in his chambers, and I said 'yes,' and we got to talking about relationships -- he told me all about his engagement and his break-up back in his world..."

The laughter stopped, and Lily and Honour found themselves staring in disbelief.

"... And he said a few things about that, and I asked him some questions, and then he asked if it would be alright if he asked a few questions about Huckleberry 'n' me, and I said 'yes' again, so we kept talking about relationships and life and stuff..."

Lily sat, transfixed in place, waiting with her foreleg over her corporal for the other horseshoe to drop.

Sparkshower sheepishly shrugged and shook her head. "...And I guess we sorta lost track of time, is all. Sorry for keeping you up, Corporal, but Anonymous told me that you and Lily both had dates tonight so we shouldn't worry about disturbing you."

It was a strange mixture of relief and disappointment that Lily was feeling. "Sparks, are you telling us he took you back to his chambers, and you two talked for three hours straight?"

The pegasus nodded her head. "Yes."

Beneath Lily’s foreleg, she felt the corporal breathe a heavy sigh of relief. "Phew. And he didn't try to make a move on you at all?"

The recently heartbroken pegasus glumly rubbed one forehoof against the other foreleg and looked down at the ground. "No, I'm afraid he didn't..."

Lily felt Honour sigh again, and heard her whisper. "Thank Celestia..."

Then, all of a sudden, Honour jolted her head up, flinging Lily’s foreleg away as she cried out. "Wait, what do you mean, you're afraid he didn't?!"

‘Buck!’

Lily clenched her teeth and raised her forehooves defensively. "Honour! He's right below us, for buck's sake!" And the floor was thin enough that her manaburn-induced shouting match with Sparkshower last week managed to go through loud and clear, according to Ebonshield.

Suddenly looking terrified, the corporal apologized. "Sorry..."

Then she turned to Sparkshower, teeth clenched. "Specialist, what do you mean you're afraid he didn't try to make a move on you?"

Licking her lips, the pegasus awkwardly wrapped her wings around her barrel. "I... kinda... stuck my tuft out at him."

Lily blinked and tilted her head in disbelief. "You kinda stuck your tuft out at him?"

Artemis stepped forward, refolding her wings and performing the act in question.

"Okay, so I did stick my tuft out at him, after dinner..."

Lily heard Honour's jaw hit the table, and Lily felt hers about to slam into place right beside it as well.

‘Holy Celestia, she's got a lot going on out front.’

The mare was completely stacked; she could hide a whole other pony in there. Did she keep all that fluff hidden under her armor the other ninety-nine percent of the time?

The pegasus lightly stamped a hind hoof down behind her and sat. "But he didn't pay any attention to it at all! The whole time I had my tussock on display, his eyes stayed right up here!" She pointed both forehooves at her own baby-blue orbs, and she almost seemed angry doing it.

But that anger quickly shifted to anguish, and those same forehooves moved to cup her muzzle. “How am I going to find somepony if I can't even get another colt to look down at my tuft even for a moment!? My life is ruined!! Oh, Huckleberry..."

Sparkshower was about to burst into tears, so, ignoring her own advice about volume, Lily cried out before the showers could start. "Sparks! The Royal Engineer isn't a bucking colt!"

She lowered her forehooves and stared at Lily for a moment. "Anonymous is a mare?!?"

‘Buck!’

Corporal Bound clonked her head repeatedly into the table, grumbling beside Glamerspear. "Sweet Celestia, Sparkshower..."

Ignoring the exhausted earth pony, Lily thrust her forehooves down on the table and barked down at the idiot pegasus.

"Bucking NO, Sparks! He's a male, yes, but he's not a colt, you understand?"

Glancing around in confusion, she screwed her face up. "He's a gelding?!"

‘Forehoof, meet brow.’

Lily took a deep breath, but before she could lay things out, Corporal Bound recovered from her stupor. "Sparkshower, what Glamerspear is trying to say is that the Royal Engineer is an alien male -- not a pony male. His species could have completely different standards of beauty, and he may not have paid any attention to your tuft simply because females of his species don't have tufts to look at. A stuck-out tuft maybe doesn't mean anything at all to him, no matter how impressive it would normally be in Equestria. How many other colts have you shown your bush to?"

Sparkshower shrugged. "Just him, I guess."

Honour waved a hoof dismissively. "Then, for buck's sake, don't go drawing conclusions yet. You've got a wonderful tuft, okay? You show it to an actual pony colt and they'll look, believe me. Tell her, Glamerspear."

As Honour elbowed the unicorn, Lily tilted her head sideways and chortled. "You've got a bangin' tuft, filly. You could give griffons a run for their feathers with that thing; I wouldn't mind borrowing some of it myself from time to time."

That brightened the young pegasus up again. "Really? Oh, good." With an excited sigh, she refolded her wings. "Is it okay if I take a shower now? I'm still kinda sweaty from working in the carriage-house with the Royal Engineer."

The earth pony corporal nodded, and Sparkshower headed for the washroom door. Once it shut, the two of them breathed a deep sigh.

Lily looked over at Honour. She was starting to understand her NCO’s general attitude towards her underlings.

"I'm not that bad, am I, Corporal?"

Honour looked at her with tired eyes. "You can be, Lily; you can be."

She started to laugh, and the specialist laughed along with her.

Corporal Bound shook her head. "...I have to herd two horseshoes and a batpony, along with an alien VIP, and I told Alexander that I wanted to see this assignment through to the end... I must be crazy."

Now it was Lily’s turn to shake back, bringing up a forehoof in mock salute. "Buck you, Corporal."

Honour got to her hind hooves and gave Lily the same mock salute. "Buck you, Specialist. And good bucking night. I'm going to go try to sleep off all this friggin' nonsense."

Next Chapter: Chapter 101 Estimated time remaining: 16 Hours, 12 Minutes