Royal Gardens

Two hours, it took me two hours to find this place and not one person is in it. I swear I think this castle is out to get me or just to get me killed cause twice now something heavy fell near me and I had to pick it up before any pony heard the sounds of antique metal clattering or an expensive and rare vase crashing onto the floor.

"You know...I think I am just going to relax here...bask in the sun...get a tan...wait for a guard to direct me to wherever the hell they are....I bet I could use my age card on them to lay off...nah that wouldn't work, stone years probably doesn't count...am I going insane? No...not going insane...most likely just suffering from a form of loneliness...no...no no...yes...most likely..."

A passing guard looked at me for a moment before continuing on his route, seemingly gave me an odd stare since I am shirtless and taking up half of a bench and talking to myself. The sun was just warm enough for me to not feel cold and the small breeze cooled me off as I felt the familiar cold as the sweat on my body is cooled off and evaporated.

"Still can't believe that I am still alive...why am I even alive? The heat from that beam should have reduced my sorry ass into a pile of molten slag and ashes...not stone. If this was a way to start over than they got it wrong, a world where pretty
much logic doesn't make sense...physics only works for me, magic.....never believed in that crap even when I was a kid but now....looks like if I can ever find Robert's corpse I owe him 50 credits...maybe I should just start working on that graveyard by myself...get me to stop thinking and start working...."

The sun was in the middle of the sky by now as I heard the voice of an adult talking to a group of children about the importance of some statue and what it represents. Tilting my head to the left I saw a lightest grape colored mare talking to a group of fillies and colts, the cutie mark on her flank was a bunch of flowers with smiles on them, Cheerilee... the two fillies I could instantly recognize since they stick out like sore thumb, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, which I still think have the stupidest of flank tattoos. No wait I take that back, the two colts behind them have the stupidest marks, a scissor and a snail. I had the urge to explode into insanely laughter but had to lower it to a chuckle as they got closer to me as they came to Discord's statue, which I can still say looks funny as hell since he was defeated in a sad pose. Turning my head back to the sky I focus my stare at the sun, seeing if it would cause my eyes to superstitiously burn out and make me temporarily blind.

It did nothing but leave me with a stiff neck and questionable stares from the passing group. As they left I returned to my self discussion and hoped for the best.

"Why the hell am I so down? I mean come on I survived countless battles, killed two Reapers, held off advancing hostiles with two AT mines and a pistol...and a rocket tied to the back of a pissed off Husk, saved a bunch of fruity colored ponies...twice, saved the same gryphon and changeling twice....got shot in the heart while being used as a meat shield, set myself on fire to incinerate the remains of a harvesting facility...pissed off the edge of the torch on the Statue of Liberty...fought and nearly died on the Citadel...won a drinking contest against a Krogan and had to get my liver replaced...inadvertently got a Volus high of his ass...survived the hellish streets on the moon while an orphan..."

My self chatter soon ended when I got bored of sitting on the bench as I walked close to the edge of the gardens and looked over the side and saw nothing but an endless forest, tops of the old castle spires, a village close to the forest edge and also one large ass mountain opposite of the village. Sighing heavily I return back to the garden and saw a maze that was nothing but hedges and the entrance looked grand but had six different places to begin.

"Eh fuck it, might as well see how long it takes me to get to the other side...just got to start the timer on my omni-tool...and...." stepping right to the middle right entrance and with my left foot in the air ready to begin, "...and go!" I took a mad dash into the maze, not even listening to the voice of some pony calling out to me.

About ten minutes into running the maze and back tracking several times after hitting dead ends, finding the same place where I started and also going into one large ass circle and only after an hour did I make it to the center of the maze and find out just how fucking annoying this was. At the center was Discord, having a tea party, by himself, and several other things that did not make sense...three piles of apples that look like blobs with eyes, a large ass boulder, balloons with smiley faces and a cloud shooting constantly rainbow colored thunder.

At that moment I had an aneurysm of sheer stupidity as I felt blood slowly trickle down my lips and onto my chin before settling down and dripping onto the grass.

"Oh hey Roran, so glad you can stop by, we are just about to take a little break from the party and take a tiny trip to my secret lair away from old Sunbutt and Lunatic, you willing to tag along?" He wasn't even looking at me and yet he managed to appear by my side in an instantly and if I wasn't in the mood for killing I would have jumped back, grabbed him the tail and slammed him onto the ground before trying to rip his legs off on reflex, sadly he was the only friend I had at the time so I took a gamble and said yes.

His lair...really needs to be worked on. It was nothing but a giant ass cavern with a boulder as the door and a large metal locker near sliding glass door. As I watched him I not to casually belched in boredom and picked my teeth while looking at a picture of what I thought was both the strangest and yet most historical picture I have ever seen.

I saw a picture of Discord, Luna and Celestia while they were young and all huddled together in a photo as Discord gave Luna a pair of bunny ears, shit you not real ones to replace hers and turned Celestia's horn into a gummy worm while he was in mid laugh. Whoever took that picture had alot of balls cause taking that and actually framing it with two pissed off ponies looking at right at the lens is not a good way to keep your life expectancy long going.

Looking at that picture I saw that next to it was an exact replica of Discord's head, staring right at me with all of its ungodly strange ass glory. That stare was demeaning and even gave me the shivers, felt like he was trying to undress me with his eyes or something, can't really tell what he is thinking with those eyes of his...fucking mismatched. Next to the stone statue was a another picture of Discord but this time reigning what looks like Britain while it was raining muffins and pies, that is the best rain I have ever seen right next to acid rain.

"You ready to see the masterpiece of my homely abode or are you just going to be staring at myself from the past, you do know that staring to long can cause disorientation or sudden blindness." he voice rang out from the other room and after taking a scan of each picture I walked off toward his voice, hoping it isn't another party or worse a trap to get me to explain what happened the other day but for now I am going to be ignorant.

If only I couldn't stop laughing so hard.

"Discord...I am taking away your man card, that swim wear just reeks of gay! If you weren't my best friend than I would have totally wrecked your shit up and down the cave." I was laughing so hard I almost pissed myself from the sight before me.

Discord was wearing red swimming trunks, with Celestia's cutie mark on both outer thighs, two orange water wings with her symbol on it as well, some thick-ass swimming goggles and swimming flippers which I am wondering how the left one is even fitting on that hoof let alone how the right one isn't torn by that dragon foot of his.

In my fit of laughter I fell backwards and was slamming my left arm onto the ground causing it to crack and splinter from how hard I was swinging it, and tears were falling from my face faster than a hobo on a ham sandwich. Discord on the other hand found it to be very frustrating and was near my head and with a finger on my forehead, and with a slight swizzle of it I felt some part of me go away, and also the sudden urge to be caring and happy hit me light a freighter exiting FTL speeds.

"Why am I filled with happy thoughts of butterflies and snicker doodle and this urge to hug every single soft and fuzzy object in sight?" I said slightly confused before feeling something poke my head again and everything in my head returned back in its proper place.

"You used that mind-fucking magic on me didn't you..."

He just looks at me all innocent while doing the batting of the eyes while holding his hands behind his back.

"...Pfff..."

I just give him the flattest of flat stares I can give him.

"..Tehehehehe..."

My flat stare slowly turned into a weak glare, slowly trying to burn a hole into his head.

"....A-Hum!......"

My glare slowly intensifying, trying to melt his head off his neck while slowly clenching my fists.

"....Phfthpfft...Phffffffth....Pffffffffffphfft...."

I slowly got up off the floor and kept staring at him, slightly leaning forward and moving my legs into a pouncing position.

"*snort*"

Very slowly crouching down, my arms slowly cocking back, the hammers moving into position to be released.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Discord you asshole! I am going to wreck your shit!"

While he was laughing his ass off and at the same time flying as fast and as far away from me within the caverns while I gave chase to the flying mismatched bastard, trying to stomp a mudhole in his ass and than de-spine him and re-spine with rocks.

5 Hours Later

"Okay I admit it...this pool is fucking awesome...and not to mention the flat screen HD and 3D television...okay now I forgot why I was trying to murder you....meh...hand me another taco fucking starving of meaty goodness for so many weeks, no way in hell can I stay to a leafy diet forever."

"For once I can agree with you, and besides you still lost the coin toss so pick a movie, anything that comes to your mind and it will play, hopefully it doesn't cause the screen to explode like the other movie you tried getting me to watch...you setting fire to a large field of strange green plants that made your vision blur and gave you the munchies is not very entertaining...neither was the part of you laughing like me while setting fire to the four-eyed bald aliens."

"Fine fine...sheesh...you don't like anything that I consider fun.....hmmm....fun...oh yes this is perfect."

"What is? Another memory of you burning some pirate?"

"No, better."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lt0jdprQbH8

As the beginning of the movie started I swear I got him hooked onto it as his eyes glazed over and I can see from the corner of my right eye that his left arm is trying to paw at the screen wanting more.

2 Hours Later

Both of us were just dying of laughter by the end of the movie and I was dropping lettuce and cheese into the pool as the fifteenth taco was crushed in my hand.

"Roran I must say you humans are by far the most chaotic beings that have ever existed! I have not seen such lunacy and evil pranks and gags in years! Were all you humans like this all those years ago?" I swear I have gotten used to his voice as it no longer made me want to set a house on fire filled with fireworks at a busy neighborhood.

"Yes and by the grace of god we did so much stupid shit and pranks on one another that very early in our history I am not sure where but we created a special day just for pranks and tricks. I shit you not it was called April Fools Day, and in the army at the time I pranked everyone from the medics, the chefs, recruits and even my own senior officer who not only didn't like my pranks but never found out it was me." sadly that movie was just the tip of the iceberg, the other four movies would just blow his mind.

"Oh if only you humans were here doing my reign, you would have benefited the most from my chaos induced pranks and would have ruled as kings and queens amongst the foolish ponies, gryphons and dragons." humans here? Oh we were here...millions of years ago and would have killed anything trying to push us off our land.

"Discord you do know that if you did that we would have fought each other trying to get more power and influence over everything in our sights and than most of us would have been killed off by the time you were in full swing of your rule. So that would have ended poorly."

"Okay, you obviously are not taking this conversation seriously." Discord's face contorting into one of being not amused and from that flat stare, greatly not amused in the slightest.

"What gave it away? MY words or just my thoughts?" I said sarcastically while splashing him with water before taking a water-balloon to the face.

Just staring at him I angled palm at him as it opened up to reveal nothing but a small tube extended out from my elbow and into the pool before sucking in the water and with the pressure of a fire hose, I blasted Discord in the face with pressurized water till he gave up with the ever so classic white flag tied to a stick.

"Discord, you are cruising for a bruising if you keep it up." and on Que he made a small sailboat appear in the pool, he was in it wearing a sailors uniform with a wooden pipe in his mouth.

Smacking my face with my other hand and slowly dragging it downward I let out an explosive sigh before tapping my omni-tool to start the second movie and as it started Discord teleported back to his old spot with popcorn and soda in hand, the small boat vanished as well as to not hamper his line of sight.

3 Hours Later

"As you can see Discord, this was humanity's stupid era but sadly it was also the fun era for most people. And we still got three more movies to go." I said bringing up the screen and showing him Jackass 2.5, 3D and 3.5, and if I was still not amused by his expression I shit you not he did what that little pink demon always does and exploded into a shower of confetti, candy and what I think was whipped cream pies which was bad for me cause those things always seem to find me no matter where I go as I ducked into the water to avoid getting smacked in the face by one.

Resurfacing and taking a look around I can clearly tell that the small wooden stand to the left of the pool was a bar, and how I could tell was that there was a large neon glowing sign that reads it glowing rainbow shifting letters 'Discord's Bar of Random Beverages', sadly I couldn't give a shit at the moment, I needed something hard, strong and enough to get me to the point of catching the stupid.

15 Seconds Later, Princess Celestia's Bedroom

"Roran, I know this is not one of your most 'brilliant' of ideas but are you sure we should be pranking Sunbutt and Lunatic?" Discord said while floating over to a long sofa and laying down on it, clearly not wanting to be involved in one of my many grand schemes of evil fun.

"Of course! And besides I am sure Celly would love it!" I shouted to him while placing a trip-wire near the door and setting it up with a whipped cream pie launcher in front of the door.

"Alright your funeral." he said before snapping his fingers and all of the work I have already set up vanish in a puff of smoke.

"Wait what?"

As I turned to look at my cowardly friend I trip over and fall face first into the pie I had set up for Celestia and mumbled inane words that would make even the most hardened of killers cringe in fear and as I rolled off of the pie I felt my wrists and ankles bound together.

"Discord I am going to fucking castrate you for hogtying me!" struggling to break free from the simple rope bindings I realized that he did something to them to prevent me from breaking out to easily and at that moment the door slowly squeaked open and in walked in all three royal alicorns, looking at my with different expressions but what I do know is that my impending doom is coming.

"Okay...I know what this looks like but let me explain." I said still trying to wiggle my way out from the rope bindings but only managed to make myself look like a fish out of water.

As they watch me try to wiggle my way to freedom which was the open window on the other side of the room but sadly as I got barely within four feet of t he window Celestia's horn let off a golden glow and just it lit up so did my hopes of escaping punishment. The window closed in a dramatically slow fashion and as I get close enough to spit at it, it closes shut and the sounds of a lock clicking into place as my eyes close shut, awaiting the inevitable doom but as I waited for a few minutes I hear nothing moving let alone breathing but upon turning my head I found out why.

All three of them were looking at me with mischievous grins and glowing horns, horns to which that they were levitating numerous items but the glint of metal and frilly pieces told me that my doom will be of being greatly emasculated by royalty.

"Oh hell no!" I yelled as I started to wiggle away even faster, trying to worm my to the window and stand up to jump through it to fall three stories down but it was in vain when I was lifted off the ground towards a pillow by a giggling Cadence, a snickering Celestia and an equally giggling Luna.

Looking at all three with glares of great disdain I just wiggling in the air, trying to break free but sadly even if I activate my biotic barrier it would do nothing since I did not take the preemptive opportunity but even if I did turn it on it would take a while to break through her magic. One thing I learned here is that if I had my barriers up and some unicorn or either of the three alicorns cast a spell on me it would be negated but if they persist for a long enough time and keep increasing the pressure than my barrier will break down and fail, if they cast a spell at me and than I turn on my barrier it would still affect me but it would slowly lose strength over time but sadly I would still be at their mercy.

"Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope!" I shouted repeatily, not liking this at all and seeing the glints of metal and frilly objects only cement my fears that I will have to go through what every young male child has to go through when their older sister and friends show up to play. Make-up dummy.

As I shout in anguish, knowing my doom will be the worst thing any man will ever have to go through, my shouts grow louder in depth and tone as my words echo out from the room and down into the corridors of the palace. For those outside that can hear the sounds of my not-so-manly downfall, it would be the sounds of someone being tortured in the most humiliating fashion there is.

For the servants and guards outside the room, all they can hear are my shouts of extreme displeasue and the girlish laughter and giggles from the alicorns.

"What are you doing? No! No no no! Don't you dare!"

"Oh come on Roran, it won't be so bad, I promise."

"I am warning you Celestia! Put me down this instant!"

"But Roran, where would the fun be in that?"

"I swear that I will--what the hell is that? Wait a minute...don't you fucking dare put that anywhere near me!"

"Oh you mean this thing, well just relax and it will be all over soon enough."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

"I swear I will get you back for this and...oh dear god no!"

5 Hours Later, Discord's Lair

Slowly shambling into Discord's hideout, my feet dragging against the stone floor and my heavy breathing filling the stillness of the room, my eyes heavy with restlessness. Moving towards the pool and once it was within sight I began to move at a faster pace until I got to the edge of the pool and just tripped into it, not even caring about the impact of water to the face.

Waiting a few seconds to let the make-up and lipstick wash off my face and leak into the water I start to scrub every single inch of my face to get the feminine products off, feeling completely emasuclated by three alicorns who took delight in my weakened state.

"Oh why the long face?" a familiar voice from behind me said in a mocking tone.

"You got five seconds to start running Discord." I replied, extending my omni-blades as I turned to face him and before he even snaps his fingers I threw a barrier over him and as his talons rub against each other for the snap nothing happens and with a grin I slowly begin to walk towards him and he took notice of that and started to run his ass off.

5 Minutes Later, Canterlot Palace

"This isn't funny anymore Roran!" Discord shouted as he avoids a thrown flower pot as it flew by his head and smashed against the marble wall as he turns around the corner.

"Oh yes it is Discord, now man up and take your beat down!" I shouted back, grabbing another vase before rearing back and throwing it at my target, missing and crashing against a mini-statue of Cadence.

"No way!" I lunge at him as he zips by a pair of maids, my body unable to evade the two mares as we collide into a pile of swinging limbs and I as crawled out from beneath them and hauled them up I gave a quick apology before resuming the hunt.

"Than it looks like someone is cruising for a bruising!"

Sprinting after him it only takes a few seconds to catch up and when I do I see him pounding on large double doors and I slam right into his back, forcing the door open and the both of us tumbling into the room in a giant ball of flailing limbs, fists and a fuzzy tipped tail.

As Discord untangles from me he tries to get away but I quickly latch onto his tail with my mouth, biting down hard enough for him to yelp out in pain as I use my hands to yank him down and over to me. Getting back on my feet I spit his tail out, the damn thing tasting like it hasn't been washed in years, and as I step over him I extend my omni-blade out long enough to slash his face before deactivating it and walking off with my prize.

"MY BEARD!"

"Next time you leave me to stew in a failed prank imma take away something alot more valuable than your beard Discord. Your man card."

Canterlot Palace, Medical Wing, My Room

"I hope there was a good reason for leaving this room Roran."

"Not really nurse, just some pay back on Discord...and by the looks of things he is throwing a temper tantrum...its raining muffins outside."

Looking outside I see that it is indeed raining muffins and these muffins are roughly the size of basketballs and they are falling by the bakers dozen.

"Worth it."

Author's Notes:

Word to my readers, these 'Bonus' Chapters might and/or might not have any effect to the story, but be aware that this is the one of many. I am working on Hearth's Warming Eve and Hearts and Hooves Day Bonus Chapters, if you would like to be imprinted into these two or have any hilarious ideas, please post em while you can.