Author's Notes:

Hello! Sorry this took so long to write out, college has been pretty busy! For those of you who are unaware, these therapy session chapters take place in between/after other chapters, and are mainly meant to develop Pinkamena's character and her situation with Starlight. These aren't necessary to read, but I do still recommend doing so.

Thanks for reading, tell me if you see any grammar or story issues, feel free to put your thoughts in the comments, and enjoy!

“O-of course, come on in!” Starlight said as she opened the door the rest of the way, gesturing Pinkamena to enter. “I...wasn’t expecting you to come by today, but I should have time.”

Pinkamena pushed past Starlight, trying her best to keep her face behind her hair and not make eye contact. She heard Starlight draw her breath like she wanted to say something, moving her arm towards her to touch her, before stopping herself and retracting her arm. As soon as Pinkamena was inside Starlight shut the door behind them, making sure it was locked.

The room was exactly the same as when she was in there before, with the colored walls and black bean bags on the floor. She noticed the one she had sat in before looked cleaner than the others, remembering that she had bled on it last time. She walked over to it, sitting down and feeling her body slowly sink into it like a bowl pushed underwater. She let out a relieved sigh as she felt the tension ebb out of her body, she had forgotten how relaxing bean bags were.

Starlight walked behind her desk and began typing something on her laptop, glancing at Pinkamena every now and again out of concern. It was obvious she was worried about her and wanted to ask what was wrong, but she could also tell she was fragile at the moment and pushing too hard would be bad.

“And...done! I don’t know why Discord wanted me to write this fake acceptance letter, but even I know better than to question his motives.” Starlight said to herself as she turned it off, reaching into her vest pocket and pulled out her dark blue journal.

She walked back around her desk, plopping down into the beanbag across from her and flipping open the journal and pulling out a pencil that was still in it. She kept turning pages until she got to a blank one, writing something at the top of it and then twirling the pencil between her fingers. She raised her head to look at Pinkamena, putting on a forced smile to try to reassure her.

“How are you doing? I haven’t talked to you since yesterday, I wanted to text you, but I wasn’t sure if you’d respond or not.”

“I’m...fine.” Pinkamena whispered in a shaky tone, bringing her hands to the lapels of her leather jacket. Her hands were still shaking and there was still a knot in her chest. “Actually, that’s a lie. I’m not fine...at all, that’s why I’m here.”

She really didn’t want to take the leather jacket off, not having her hoodie on was hard enough. Right now she was likely at her most vulnerable she had been since she was on Blake’s table, the fact that she was on the edge of a panic attack and was overwrought with a plethora of emotions didn’t help.

But she needed to be vulnerable to get better, and out of everyone in her life right now, Starlight had the best chance at being able to do that, and was one of the few people she trusted.

She slowly slid off the jacket, and though she was taking something off of her, she felt the action somehow added weight to her mentality. She laid it on the ground beside her, leaving only the white t-shirt on her upper body, not counting the bra underneath.

She was a bit sweaty, more from anxiety than actual heat, but other than that she was fine, the t-shirt was thick enough to where it wasn’t see through. She couldn’t help but look at her arms, since the shirt was sleeveless, it went up to her shoulder. Her arms weren’t too thin or too big, her muscles were well toned and leaned, a benefit from both her time in the woods and from being a chimera.

She couldn’t stop herself from rubbing her hands against them like she was trying to warm herself up, her eyes running up and down them as if she were looking for something. Her skin was smooth and flawless, not a bump out of place, but they had once been riddled with scars. Cuts, gashes, bruises, all kinds of various contusions and injuries, both Blakes way of marking her as his property, and signs of all the ‘fun’ he had with her.

If she looked closed enough, she could almost still see them even though they weren’t there. Some part of her missed them, she didn’t need Starlight to tell her that was bad.

She tore her gaze away from her arms and shook her head, stopping herself from thinking about Blake before she got too deep. She lowered her hands and put them between her thighs to try to warm them up, she felt cold all the sudden.

Starlight had a strange look in her eyes, her smile gone and her eyes looking at Pinkamena’s arms, her mouth slightly agape and she had stopped twirling the pencil between her fingers. It was hard to tell why, her eyes moving up and down like she was analyzing her. She was...impressed? Jealous? It was hard to tell what emotion she was feeling, something about her expression reminded her of some of the boys she used to mess around with.

“Starlight?”

That question snapped her out of her trance, her eyes going from her arm to her eyes, a slight red hue on her face like she’d been caught looking at something she shouldn’t have.

“Oh, sorry! I got...distracted by something. I noticed that you weren’t wearing a hoodie like you usually do, did you go through your whole day so far without it?” Starlight asked nervously as she fidgeted in the beanbag, putting her right leg on top of her left one, but not looking very comfortable.

“Yeah, I...did. I want to get better, I have to move past Blake. I won’t lie to you, it was hard! I was beyond vulnerable, every time someone looked at me I felt like I was on that table again. But I…” Pinkamena subconsciously grabbed the pendant of her necklace, which the chain of the necklace was now visible since she wasn’t wearing the leather jacket. She visibly calmed down as soon as she grabbed it through her shirt, her shaking less noticeable as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I endured, I had to, I couldn’t let Blake get to me. After all that bastard did, he doesn’t get to hurt me like this, I won’t let him!” Pinkamena growled as she opened her eyes, scowling as she pictured his smug face

“And... how do you feel without your jacket?” Starlight asked cautiously, a little worried about the sudden aggression, though it was a better reaction than total fear.

Her face relaxed a bit, her grip on the necklace still tight. “I feel...not as bad as I thought I’d be, I’m sure it’d be worse if I were with anyone else but you. When I came here it was hard for me to breath and concentrate, I honestly felt I was moments away from a breakdown. However, since I’m just here alone with you, it isn’t that bad, I can get used to it.”

Pinkamena smiled a bit as she let go of the necklace, letting her hand rest on her leg while the other was still between her thighs. She was still shaken up, but the pain in her chest and fear in her heart were fading, she was steadily getting better.

“That’s great, Pinkie!” Starlight’s smile faltered for a moment when she saw her flinch, though she wasn’t sure why. “But don’t push yourself too far, you’re already making progress faster than most have, there’s no rush!”

“Maybe not, but I…” Her words hitched in her throat, she found it hard to put into words of what happened a few hours ago. “Before I went to talk with everyone, I wanted to take a shower, since it had been awhile. While I was in there, I…” Pinkamena clammed up, suddenly finding it hard to talk.

Starlight listened intently, nervously tapping the pencil against the journal in worry. “I know it’s hard, but I need you to tell me everything you can. I need to know every detail, otherwise I can’t tell where you are and I can’t help you.”

Pinkamena knew that, but that didn’t make it any easier. She absolutely abhorred that fact that she couldn’t even take a shower without being riddled with terror, the fact that it was because of Blake just made it worse.

“I was fine when I took off my clothes, being naked alone isn’t a problem. It wasn’t until I started cleaning myself that I…” She felt a cold chill down her spine, hanging her head so her long pink and black hair covered most of her face.

“It’s ok, take your time.” Starlight whispered gently, writing something in her journal.

Pinkamena could hear her voice, but it sounded like a distant echo. Her mind was focused on when she was in the shower, unable to stop herself from thinking of her time strapped to the table. The cold metal against her naked body, the only thing she could feel was the agonizing pain, her ears filled with his laughter and her own screams.

‘Do you even realize you’re screaming? I’m so glad you’re enjoying all the fun.’ His words echoed in her mind like a song she couldn’t get out of her head, she’d never be able to forget his smile.

No more distractions, no more suppressing it, she couldn’t push it down anymore, she needed to deal with it. She needed to move past it, to move past him!

“I got inside and started washing myself, but as soon as I touched myself I...it was like he was there touching me!” Pinkamena whimpered as she brought her hands up to the sides of her head, her nails digging into her skin, hoping the pain will stop the flashbacks. “As soon as I closed my eyes it felt like I was on that table again, no matter how hot the water on my back was, it was still so cold! Every time I closed my eyes and saw that darkness it was like I was in that room again, I could almost feel him touching me again, his disgusting hands all over me like I was a fucking toy!”

She dug her nails deeper into her head, feeling the heat from steam coming from the wounds as they healed, small bits of blood running down her fingers. Her eyes were squinted and burning with tears, doing her best to prevent them from trailing down her face, the urge to sob was nearly impossible to resist. When she spoke she was on the edge of just giving in, but she couldn’t, not here, not now.

“Whenever anyone touches me, I can hear him in my head, telling me that I’m his! That only he can touch me like that, that I’m nothing more than his property! To use however he feels like, to hurt me however he feels like! He...I…”

She couldn’t suppress a groan as she grinded her teeth, hot tears rolling down her face, unable to keep her eyes open any longer. As soon as her eyes were closed and darkness enclosed her vision, the world around her began to fade, making it hard to concentrate on anything but it. The sound of writing from Starlight was distant, she could hear her voice, but couldn’t tell what she was saying. The pain in her head was almost unnoticeable, she began to feel less like she was in Starlight’s office and more like she was back on that table. Almost like she’d never left, she was finding it hard to open her eyes.

She had to speak, the silence was destroying her, she felt overwhelming dread and irrational fear that she was going to hear Blake’s voice whispering in her ears.

“I-I...can never have sex again without thinking of him! My scars are gone, but every time I’m naked and I see my body, it’s almost like I can still feel them there! And I don’t think...I can ever forget the feeling of him forcing himself inside me, no amount of cleaning will wash away how dirty I feel! I..I can’t...he…”

She found herself unable to speak anymore, her chest had become unbearably tight as she started hyperventilating. Her breathing was irregular, more similar to erratic wheezing. Her heart was briskly beating, but she couldn’t hear it, she couldn’t hear anything! Her eyes were heavy and she didn’t feel like she could open them, she couldn’t even feel the pain in her head anymore, her entire body was growing colder by the second.

She was overwhelmed by despair, her mouth was open but she didn’t know if she was making any noise, it was like she completely lost control of her body and was being consumed by her own anguish and emotions.

Just as the blackness threatened to consume her and push her into unconsciousness, she felt something warm and soft press against both sides of her face. As soon as the contact was made, all of her senses came rushing back to her, she could feel the warmth of her own body and her heart beat. Other than that and her own breathing, which had calmed down a bit, there was no other sound in the room.

She pulled her hands out of her head and grabbed whatever was touching her face like they were her salvation, wrapping her hands around them gently. They were warm, soft, and smooth, and they were hand shaped.

No, they weren’t hand shaped, they were hands.

She opened her eyes, finding they were no longer so difficult to open, and slowly raised her head. Her face was still a bit wet from the tears, but she had stopped crying. Her head still had almost unnoticeable bits of steam from the stab wounds she made, but she was focused entirely on what was in front of her.

Starlight was leaned forward in her bean bag chair, her journal and pencil in her lap and her arms reached forward, her hands holding onto Pinkamena’s face and gently running her thumbs across them. Her face was inches away and her eyes narrowed and a small smirk on her face, like she was trying to analyze her and reassure her at the same time.

“What do you feel right now?”

Her words were so soft and kind it reminded her of Fluttershy for a moment, Pinkamena’s ears flickered when she heard them. It wasn’t distant like a few moments ago, they were clear and were incredibly pleasant compared to the deafening silence she could only hear just moments ago.

“...Warm, and calm, all my anxiety and fear is just...fading away.”

Pinkamena’s words were barely more than a whisper, unable to tear her eyes away from Starlight’s. She couldn’t even think, all thoughts of Blake and the table vanquished, the dread and despair being replaced by a strong tingling sensation that reverberated throughout her entire body. She could only concentrate on Starlight and her hands, and how much she didn’t want to let go of them.

“Who’s hands do you feel touching you right now? Mine? Or Blake’s?”

She remained silent as she thought on Starlight’s words, running her fingers across Starlight’s knuckles. Her hands were nothing like his, they were so small and feminine, her grip gentle like she was holding a baby. To compare her hands and her touch to Blake would be an insult to Starlight, and a compliment to Blake he didn’t deserve.

“....Yours, just yours.” Pinkamena murmured, more confident than before and unable to stop herself from grinning, she didn’t know why.

“He will never touch you again, he will never hurt you again, I swear that on my life. That month you went through was worse than almost anyone could even survive, but you’re still here and you still want to get better. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to every victim he’s ever had to push through this, you’re strong enough. And even if you weren’t, you have me, I will be here every step of the way if you need it.

I won’t leave you, I promise.”

Her words were like a wake up call, a light that shined and pushed away the remnants of darkness. She let out a breath she didn’t even realize she was holding, sobbing one last time, but this one out of relief.

“Thank you Starlight, that...means a lot.”

Starlight nodded and stopped rubbing her thumbs sensually against her face, her eyes widening a bit as she realized how intimate they were in that moment. She hadn’t been that close with anyone since Michael! Starlight pulled her hands out of Pinkamena’s grip to her chest, fumbling a bit as she found it hard to speak, her cheeks tainted with the slightest blush.

“I’m...sorry that I touched you like that all the sudden, I just thought that maybe showing you something gentle would snap you out of it and help you see not everyone’s touch is his. If it bothers you, I won’t do it again!”

Pinkamena chuckled, Starlight’s reaction was a little out of character, but cute in its own way. She’d seen for herself that Starlight knew how to use sex appeal when she needed to, but when it came to actual contact like what just happened, she was less confident. It didn’t bother Pinkamena at all, things like that weren’t an issue for her before everything, certainly not now.

However she couldn’t ignore the slight fluttering feeling she got in her chest seeing her like that, something she was only a little familiar with.

“It’s ok Starlight, I’m...kind of glad you did, I’m not sure what would have happened. Besides, I…” She hesitated as she wiped the tears off her face, staring at the blood spots on the tip of her fingers. “Trust you, probably more than anyone else other than Maud in my life right now, and that’s saying a lot coming from me. Even if I question your motives, you haven’t done anything to intentionally hurt me yet.”

Starlight furrowed her eyebrows, her mouth agape as she was about to ask about what she said, but decided against it and shut her mouth. She composed herself a bit, grabbing her journal and writing something in it, her eyes trained on Pinkamena.

“You should trust more people, like Applejack...or Discord. Well, maybe not Discord. He’s been…” Her gaze drifted to the side for a moment. “Weird lately, weirder than usual. You can’t survive not trusting people Pinkie, it will kill you, that’s how Igneous was in the end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated you trust me, but it needs to be more than me. If not your friends from before, then at least the members of The Council. Fancy Pants can get along with anyone and is probably the most pleasant high class person I’ve ever met, Zecora is...in a bad place right now, but she really does only have good intentions. Discord is...Discord, he’s an oddball, but I don’t think he’d do anything to hurt you or The Syndicate. And Michael…”

Pinkamena saw a rare flash of anger as she said his name, like the very name brought up memories she didn’t like. Her grip on the pencil tightened as she momentarily stopped writing, biting the corner of her lips with a choleric frown, furrowing her eyebrows resentfully.

“Stubborn, and stupid at times. I feel guilty for not seeing what Michael was going to do to you, I should have and been able to prevent it, I’m sorry. However, I can assure you he won’t do it again, I’m going to be talking to him while he’s doing his physical therapy. I can’t ask you to trust him after that, at least try to get along with him.”

Pinkamena was about to mention that she had already forgiven Michael after he had told her the reason he did that, but if she did, she’d have to elaborate on more of the things they had talked about. To Pinkamena, it didn’t seem like Starlight hated him, instead she felt hurt and betrayed by how their relationship ended. A tinge of guilt struck her heart as she resisted the urge to tell her what Michael did, she couldn’t do that. She promised him she wouldn’t, and her word is one of the few things she has left.

“Do you...still have feelings for Michael?” She asked hesitantly, putting her hands behind her back and lacing them together apprehensively.

Starlight flinched at the sudden question, her eyes half closing as she glanced away, the corners of her lips pulling down to a frown.

“I...it’s complicated, I’ve been asking myself that same question. Do I really miss him, or do I just miss being in a relationship and being loved? It’s funny, I’m good at analyzing the problems of other people, but I’m helpless when it comes to helping myself.”

Starlight gave out a hollow chuckle as her gaze dropped to the pencil in her hand, twirling it in her fingers absentmindedly.

“We were never in love with each other, we barely dated for more than a few months. I still have feelings for the man he was when we dated, not the man he is now. I want to be in a relationship again, but like I’ve said, it’s hard to have a social life. Besides, I’m hard to be in a relationship with. Always being able to read someone can get on their nerves, it certainly got on Michael’s.”

Her pain was etched on her face, she had a forced smile and her words sounded almost shameful. It hurt Pinkamena a bit to hear, especially considering she knew the truth. Michael was lying to her and doing what he did to help Igneous, and he couldn’t tell her because of his fear that she’d blame him for it.

Pinkamena didn’t know the extent of Starlight and Igneous' relationship, she had a feeling it was better that she didn’t, but she couldn’t say whether Starlight would blame him or not. It was times like this she sort of wished she was the old Pinkie, then she would know how to console her.

“I...Starlight I’m the last person to be giving relationship advice, I’ve never even been in a real relationship, I don’t know the first thing about romance. But you’re…” She stuttered a bit, trying to find the right words to say. “You’re a great person Starlight, a lot better than me. You’re nice, and smarter than most people I’ve ever known. Not to mention you’re beautiful, you try to look good and it really shows. You have the patience to put up with someone like me, and…”

She brought her hand up to her chest, everything she was saying was true, so why did it make her heart feel so tight to say it?

“I don’t think you should beat yourself up because of him, it was just the wrong time. You deserve someone who can make you happy, it just wasn’t Michael.” She glowered her eyes so she wasn’t looking at her, she was never that good at giving compliments, trying with Starlight made her ears feel hot.

Starlight’s heart skipped a beat at the sincerity in Pinkamena’s voice, her eyebrows arching and eyes wide open as she slowly raised her head, her jaw dropping slightly as she struggled to respond.

“I’m...thank you, no one’s complimented me on my looks in...awhile. I don’t really try to look good, I just...am a bit of a germaphobe.” Starlight brought her left hand to her hair and twirled it nervously. “Compared to someone like Rarity or Fluttershy, I don’t really think of myself as particularly pretty. I don’t think very highly of myself, but I appreciate you trying to make me feel better. If only I could do the same for you as easily…”

There was a solemn tone in her voice as she took a deep breath, momentarily closing her eyes to compose herself. She opened her eyes and turned to look at Pinkamena again, writing something in her journal without batting an eye.

“We’ve gotten enough off topic, we’re here to talk about you, not me. About how you’ve been feeling about Blake, that’s normal, good, even. It shows that you still hate him and haven’t become obsessed, most by this point start being thankful for some of the things he did. The panic attacks are...terrible, but it could be a lot worse. It’d be bad if you risked one every time you wanted to bathe yourself, but what exactly can you do to prevent it?”

Starlight tapped the eraser against her chin thoughtfully, humming almost too quietly to herself to hear. “Have you ever heard of a calming ritual?”

“Calming ritual? You mean that thing athletes do? Does that actually work?” Pinkamena asked skeptically, lowering her hand back to lay on her thigh.

“Oh yes! It’s simple classic conditioning, just the kind you do on yourself. I don’t usually recommend it because it’s too easy to become dependent on it, but I guess until I can think of something else, it’ll have to do for now. It also isn’t a permanent solution nor a very effective one, but it’s better than what The Whispers have been doing.”

There was a tone of spite in her voice as she let out a little huff, trying to hide it with a cough as she quickly smiled.

“Anyway, It’s really not complicated at all. Do you have anything you do that makes you feel relaxed? Or calms you down at least? Like...a gesture you make? A certain spot you touch? Anything like that works.”

Pinkamena remained silent as she tried to think of anything like that in recent memory, closing her eyes and furrowing her eyebrows thoughtfully. ‘Relaxed’ wasn’t exactly a commodity for her recently, she rarely was able to sleep unless she was forced into unconsciousness, there were at least half a dozen things on her mind at any given time and it was borderline impossible to go a few hours without her life being in danger or having to unravel some mystery.

There was one thing she had that kept her grounded however, other than The Whispers that is. She slowly brought her left hand up to the necklace, gently grasping it and holding the pendant in the palm of her hand. “This,” She mumbled as she half opened her eyes, not moving her head at all to look at Starlight. “Is a reminder. Whenever I’m about to lose myself, this reminds me of who I am and what I’ve lost. It keeps me from going over the edge, most of the time. I don’t know if relaxed is the right word, but it does calm me down.”

Starlight grimaced at Pinkamena’s somber words, the way she desperately clung to the necklace like a young child holding on to their parent’s hand hurt her to see. She wanted to talk about that necklace, she knew it belonged to her deceased sisters, and when she grabbed her hand when Starlight tried to touch it, just confirmed how valuable it was to her. But she couldn’t, not during this session. This session was about helping her get past Blake before it was too late, everything else could wait.

“That’s perfect! You won’t need the actual necklace to do it either, just making the gesture of grabbing it and pretending it’s there should get the desired effect, it’ll take a bit of practice. It might take a few days or so, but it’ll work. Basically, anytime you feel relieved, relaxed, calm, or any sense of peace, you grab the necklace just like you are, or make the gesture you would if you don’t have it, like so.”

Starlight mimicked Pinkamena perfectly, bringing her left hand to just below her neck and clenching her fist like she was grabbing something.

“Easy, right? You’ll have it down in no time, you’re a pretty quick learner. Though, like I said before, I try to avoid teaching anyone how to do it because it’s incredibly easy to become dependent on it. Don’t do it too often if you can help it, only if you’re on the absolute edge of a panic attack. And....I don’t know if The Whispers will listen to you, but try to convince them to hold off on numbing your emotions as a last resort. It’s bad, and while I understand the benefits, I still strongly believe it should be an absolute last resort.”

“Way ahead of you, we’ve come to an...agreement, you could say. I’ll make sure to give it a try, but I don’t actually think I’ll be getting a lot of chances to relax. There’s actually something I wanted to ask you about.”

Pinkamena let go of the necklace, her hand going behind her back and down to her pockets. A shiver went down her spine when her fingers scrapped against the mask, suppressing a gasp as she pulled it out. Starlight’s look of curiosity quickly shifted to disgust when she saw it.

She held it out in front of her, her left hand gripping it by the bottom. She couldn’t take her eyes off it, and she had a disturbing urge to put it on. “You told me you had a few ideas of why I chose to wear Blake’s mask, I want to hear them.”

Starlight also couldn’t take her eyes off the mask, though it was surely for an entirely different reason than Pinkamena. She suddenly tore her gaze away from it like it was repulsive for her to look at, her face tightening as she clenched her jaw.

“You aren’t going to like it.” She mumbled darkly

“There’s a lot of things I don’t like, add it to the list.”

Starlight exasperatedly sighed as she put the pencil in the center of the journal. “‘Give someone a mask, and they become their true selves’. That’s how the saying goes, at least. I hate to admit it, but there’s a lot of truth to it. I get why you need to wear a mask, until you graduate it’s better if your identity stays hidden.

However, I think you like it. When you wear that mask, you don’t have to be Pinkamena Diane Pie anymore, or anyone at all. You can do what you want, however you want to. No expectations, no judgment, no one watching. You can let loose, let your bloodlust take over with nothing holding you back, just like when you fought Michael.”

Pinkamena didn’t respond, her leer transfixed on the mask, more because she didn’t want to look at Starlight than she wanted to look at the mask. She didn’t bother trying to defend herself either, anything she would say would just come out as desperate, because she knew Starlight was right.

“But that’s a topic for another time, and it isn’t what you asked me. I’ve been thinking about it since I found it on you, it’s been nagging at me. I’ve...narrowed it down to one explanation that’s the most likely, but it’s entirely just conjecture and is as likely to be wrong as it is to be right. But…” She shrugged her shoulders. “You still want to hear it, right?”

Pinkamena curtly nodded, placing the mask back into her back pocket. Starlight hung her head low, similar to a child when they did something bad and were confronted about it. She was tapping the tip of the pencil against the paper and her usually pleasant to listen to heartbeat was beating nervously.

“You’re self-destructive: We’ve established this. You feel immense guilt about what happened to your sisters, even though there wasn’t really anything you could do to save them. After I made you aware of it, you regret killing all those men. You want to die because the guilt is too much, but you can’t kill yourself directly. However...it goes deeper than just guilt.”

She slowly raised her head, almost like she was afraid to make eye contact. Her entire body was tense and it was hard to tell why, her hands had become disturbingly steady and a pregnant silence filled the room, no other sound in the room.

There was a distinct sadness in her eyes when they became visible, her face was as tense as the rest of her body, slight wrinkles on her forehead that almost didn’t look natural. There was no anger, no disappointment, just...sadness, it’s the same look she’d seen so many people give to stray dogs on the streets.

She recognized it instantly, it was pity, she was pitying her.

Pinkamena immediately broke eye contact, the burning inferno of anger being sparked inside her. She avoided looking at her, her hands trembling as she clenched them. She hated being pitied, for anything. It didn’t happen often, but when someone was treating her like there was something wrong with her, or looked at her like a stray dog, it just irked her in ways words couldn’t properly describe.

Maybe it was because that’s how her ‘mother’ would always look at her and her sisters, or maybe it was some other deep rooted problem, she didn’t really care. She hated being pitied, anyone who behaved differently around her out of pity she found hard to take seriously.

“I can see it in your eyes, even when you smile, you severely hate yourself. I still can’t tell whether you hated yourself before all this, or if it stems from your guilt and your actions, but I know you do. I’m not saying you want to get better, the fact that you’re here shows you’re trying. However, at the same time some part of you doesn’t think you deserve to get better, preferring pain and suffering almost to a masochistic extent.

You don’t think you’re worth the effort of saving, that’s at least part of why you’re so reluctant to open up to people. You know you’re self-loathing is a big part of your desire for death, you don’t want people to care about you because you know there’s a very real possibility you’ll die soon. Not just that, but you don’t think you deserve for anyone to care about you, that you need to be alone and aren’t worth anyone caring about. But I...don’t agree with that, I care about you, and I know there are others that do too.”

Starlight reached forward and touched Pinkamena’s hand, but as soon as she made contact Pinkamena pulled it back and held it close to her chest like a wounded animal. The only part of her face that was visible was her mouth, only her front teeth could be seen in a mock snarl.

Starlight wasn’t overly surprised by the reaction, very few people liked being told the things they’d been purposely avoiding confronting. She rested her hands on top of each other, taking a breath as she prepared to say more. She didn’t like making people angry or upset, but it was the best way to get them to start being honest.

“That’s how a lot of them started, you know. Your circumstances are incredibly unique, but that doesn’t change much. They began hating themselves, thinking they were worth less than nothing. Many were suicidal, but I kept them on watch. The time varies, but usually a few months after getting tortured they began...changing how they thought about those times, looking back on them almost nostalgically. Soon, they were missing the time with him, like it was the best times of their lives.

The less they valued themselves, the more fondly they thought of their time with him. They yearned to be with him once again, to be taken care of and loved again, seeing the way he treated them as his form of ‘love’. Their self deprecating mind set had burrowed itself so deeply inside them that they adopted the same mindset about themselves Blake had, that they were nothing more than objects that belonged to him, to be used however he wanted, the worst kind of self-fulfilling prophecy I’ve ever seen. And they were happy like that, because they’d come to hate themselves so much, they thought it’s what they deserved.”

She was watching Pinkamena cautiously, paying attention to her body language since she couldn’t see her face. Pinkamena’s entire body coiled, one hand on her leg and the other on her chest, both of them trembling and tightly clenched. Starlight could tell she was angry, but also filled with despair, she knew what Starlight was saying was the truth. Even though Pinkamena refused to look at her and kept most of her face hidden beneath her hair, by the way she flinched at some words, it was clear she was intently listening.

“That’s why you chose to wear his mask, similar to a Freudian Slip. When you made that decision you thought that you were done with him, but subconsciously things were left unsettled. When you wear that mask, you are constantly reminding yourself of what he did to you, and how it changed you. Some part of you misses being on his table, being at his mercy, like it’s some kind of punishment you deserve! Yes, you hate him. Yes, what he did to you traumatized you in ways you’ll never be able to fully get over.

However, at the same time, the overwhelming guilt and the burden of your self-hatred have been eating away at you. You have to stop hating yourself and stop letting your guilt weigh you down, you know better now, you won’t make the same mistakes again. You learned, I..don’t like seeing you do this to yourself.”

There was an almost desperate tone in her voice, she couldn’t tell whether Pinkamena noticed it or not. It was more than just her hands that were shaking now, it was most of her body. She couldn’t tell why, but Starlight felt a strong need to comfort her. Right now she was angry, frustrated, and probably beyond distressed. All these things were surely something she’d thought about once or twice, but to be confronted about it when she’d been trying to distract herself like with many other things, all the emotions associated with those thoughts became impossible to push down.

“Pinkie, pl-”

“THAT’S NOT MY NAME!”

Without even a diminutive warning, Pinkamena suddenly stood up, her legs just barely grazing Starlight’s. Her breathing was heavy and erratic, her long hair hung off the sides of her head like curtains, the expression on her face now visible. Her pupils were constricted in a strained scowl, mouth slightly open as she sharply drew breath with each rise and fall of her chest. Her left hand was tightly clenched at her side, her black blood dripping down her fingers. While her right was gripping her shirt where her heart would be, similar to when someone was having a heart attack.

“My...My name is…” She closed her eyes for a moment, opening them again just as quickly like she was waking up from a dream. “My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie, Pinkie died in those woods. I don’t want that name, being called that...hurts in a way I can’t describe. Every time someone calls me that it’s like I’m being stabbed in the heart! I...can’t be her anymore, no matter how much I want to!”

Her voice cracked and her breathing became shaky, the corners of her eyes tearing up on the verge of crying, but she was making a visible effort to not cry again. Starlight remained as still and stoic as a statue, her entire body had a disturbing steadiness to it that almost didn’t seem human. She was holding the pencil in her right hand, returning Pinkamena’s scowl with a stern, stoic expression.

“I’m...every day is a struggle Starlight, sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore! First I’m abandoned by my father, tortured to the point of breaking, and turned into a killing machine! Then I get some control freak entities shoved into my mind to make sure I don’t fuck up as the leader of the biggest criminal organization in the world, the most stressful position I’ve ever been in, and I can’t even be left alone with my own thoughts! I can’t talk to my friends both because I don’t know what would happen to them, and I’m terrified of what they’d think of me if they knew the truth!

My eyes are changing color, I’m losing more and more of myself and it’s getting harder to stay sane, my blood isn’t even red anymore! Hate myself? Don’t make me fucking laugh!” She painfully smiled as her nails dug into her chest, deep and sharp enough to draw blood, but she barely even noticed. Her entire body shook like a leaf in the wind, the pain in her heart and mind made anything physical seem negligible. “I don’t hate myself, I abhor whatever the fuck I’m becoming! I want to die because I know one day I’m going to snap and give in, and when I do, I’ll turn into something even worse than whatever I am now.”

A hot tear rolled down the right side of her face as she spoke, unable to stop herself from crying. So many emotions were breaking through the fragile dam she had in her mind, it made it impossible to keep composed.

All the thoughts she’d been trying to ignore.

All the fears she’d been trying to suppress.

All the anger, the terror, the guilt, the pressure, the stress, everything was coming out now.

Starlight still had that calm demeanor, but it was starting to slip. The corners of her lips were flickering like she was struggling to keep the blank look on her face, her grip on the pencil got tighter and her hand was shaking slightly, but she was still trying to remain stoic.

Her eyes betrayed her, showing the concern and pity she was feeling, the same kind that just made Pinkamena more angry.

“Starlight, what am I to you?” She asked in an irritated tone, sounding more like she was accusing her of something than an actual question. “You say you want to help me get better, but you really mean ‘fix’, right? Because I’m your patient, or because you feel bad for me? Like I’m a charity case, like you pity me?! Well I don’t want your goddamn pity!”

Pinkamena shouted angrily, raising her voice louder than she ever had before at Starlight. Starlight flinched, her eyes widening out of surprise, but otherwise didn’t move. She opened her mouth slightly to say something, but closed it again and decided against it.

“What do you want? Do you want me to be Pinkie again? Because I can’t, the moment I found...Inkie and Blinkies’ bodies in that cave, Pinkie died. Even if there was some miniscule chance, as soon as I killed all of those men, it was gone. It’s not just you either; Applejack, Sunset and the others, even Maud, I can see it in their eyes. T-they all look at me like I’m some broken toy, they expect me to just get better, but I can’t! I’ve tried!

I’d...hoped you wouldn’t pity me like them, that you’d understand me better than that. I hate being pitied, and you looking at me the same way they do...makes me wonder whether you even care about me at all.”

Starlight lowered her head again, though since her hair wasn’t as long as Pinkamena’s, little more than her eyes were covered. She hung her head in a way to where she was looking straight down at her journal, her grip still tight on the pencil and her hands still shaking as she moved the tip over the paper and then off of it a few times, like she wanted to write something but couldn’t stabilize her hand enough to do so. Her lips spoke wordlessly, whether she was talking to herself or trying to talk to Pinkamena was impossible to tell.

“I...like you Starlight, unlike me, you are a good person. But I won’t stand for being pitied, not if you want anything between us to be real. So, I need to know now, what am I to you? Someone you feel obligated to help out of pity? Another patient you want to fix? Or, am I…” She paused for a moment. “A replacement for Igneous?”

Starlight gasped and recoiled like she’d been hit, the sound of the pencil snapping in half reverberated throughout the room. Suddenly, Starlight was deathly still, her shaking had ceased and her chest was barely even rising as she breathed. Her heartbeat was still rapid and erratic, but her breathing was almost impossible to hear. On the outside she seemed serene, but judging by her heartbeat and her reaction to Pinkamena’s words, she was incredibly discomposed.

It kind of reminded her of Maud, and that was scary.

“If I’m being completely honest with you, yes, I do pity you. I’ve tried to not let it affect how I treat you, but it’s clear I haven’t been doing a good job of hiding that. I...didn’t know you hated being pitied so much, it’ll be hard but...I’ll try to stop, I’m sorry. But…”

Starlight’s voice usually had this constant upbeat tone to it, even when she was a bit upset. However, now it lacked that chipperness, completely devoid of any emotion, sounding almost cold. She didn’t move as she talked, most of her face was still hidden beneath her hair, holding the bottom half of the pencil in her hand.

“I hated a lot of things about your ‘Pinkie’ persona. I understand why you were like that, we’ve been over your previous unhealthy need to make people happy. To me, it just seemed so...fake, more like you were playing the role of ‘Pinkie’ rather than actually being yourself. All your relationships almost felt superficial, I’m not saying that none of your friendships were real, because they were. It’s more like...they were built on a lie, who you are now feels genuine, even if to be genuine is to be ugly.

I didn’t pity you because of who you are now, I pitied you because of all the things you had to go through to get to who you are now, who you really are. I like you now, you’re honest and aware, and don’t try to pretend to be something you clearly aren’t. I...didn’t know either that being called Pinkie was bothering you so much, I should have noticed that too, I’ve been off my game for a while now. I’ll start calling you Pinkamena, I kind of prefer that too, it’s more...eloquent. As for Igneous…”

She raised her head as she let go of the bottom half of the pencil in her hand, falling beside the top half on the floor as she reached into her vest jacket and pulled another one out. She put it in the center of the journal and brought her hands to her face, remaining silent for a few moments before lowering her hands again.

Her eyes looked....sad for lack of a different adjective, she had a distant stare, her mind somewhere else entirely. “Igneous and I were really close friends, at least, before he changed. I know people have been comparing you a lot, but as both of your personal therapists, I can tell you there are very distinct differences. I won’t go into details, but I don’t see any similarities between you two besides your positions. I miss him sometimes, of course, but not the person he became.

You are not his replacement, or anyone’s replacement, the fact that you even thought of that bothers me and just further shows me your insecurities. This relationship between you and I is unprofessional, I’m not friends with a lot of my patients, but I like it. You aren’t anyone’s replacements, and I don’t see you as a charity case, just someone who needs help. I care about you, to me…”

Starlight laid the journal with the pencil in the middle on the ground, standing up and moving towards Pinkamena. She stretched her arms out to the side and embraced her, placing her hands on her back and bringing her as close to her as possible. Her head rested on Pinkamena’s shoulder, her right cheek barely touching hers. Their bodies were as close as they could be, she ignored Pinkamena’s long hair in her face and hugged her both as gently and tightly as she could.

“You’re my friend.”

As soon as Starlight wrapped her arms around Pinkamena and whispered those words in her gentle voice, there was an almost euphoric sense of relief that washed away all her agony. Her tears stopped and she felt almost unable to move, it was at that moment she asked herself a question.

How long had it been since she’d hugged someone?

Even before all of this, when was the last time she genuinely hugged someone? Too long, the last time was with her friends a month or so before her birthday. She hadn’t even hugged her sister when she got back, who even though she was sure must have been worried about her, she had barely even talked to.

She had forgotten how nice it was.

She allowed herself to fall into the comfort Starlight was offering, returning the hug the best she could as the miniscule cuts she had made into her chest began to heal. She closed her eyes and let the warmth she was feeling overtake her, spreading to the rest of her body like a drug. It was similar to when The Whispers would numb out her emotions, but the exact opposite as a hot sensation filled her.

It was the closest she’d felt to happiness in a long time.

Pinkamena didn’t know how long they stood there in each other's embrace, her mind was empty, unable to think about anything. Her body wasn’t shaking, her heart wasn’t racing, she didn’t have thoughts of Blake or TSK, there was nothing.

In that moment she wasn’t the leader of The Syndicate, she wasn’t a broken Element of Harmony, she wasn’t a chimera. She was just...a person being hugged by their friend because she was upset, that’s all it was.

And it was great, it was also the first time since everything happened that she was treated like a normal person. Applejack was afraid of her but wouldn’t admit it, Maud was trying to treat her like she had before, but it was obvious she didn’t know what to do. Almost everyone else was afraid of her, and they had a right to be, she was barely even human.

Starlight had been one of the only people who didn’t seem afraid of her, and that meant more than she’d ever know. However, as much as she appreciated it, the moment had to end. There was something she needed to ask, and if she didn’t do it now, she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to.

“Starlight, can you promise me something?”

There was silence that lasted for half a minute, making her wonder if Starlight had even heard her. Her voice was hushed and more meek than it had almost ever been, more similar to Fluttershy’s than her own.

“Anything.”

“I…” Pinkamena paused for a moment. “Won’t be able to ask you then. But when I need it, please, save me.”

She sounded more desperate than she had intended, resembling a dying wish rather than a promise between friends. Her grip on Starlight tightened a bit more than she had intended, she had to consciously hold herself back, her strength was something she was more or less getting accustomed to. If Pinkamena had truly wanted to, she could snap Starlight in half like a twig.

The fact that she even had that thought made her heart sink.

Starlight’s body coiled a bit as she pulled away, placing both her hands firmly on Pinkamena’s shoulder. She had a stern, concerned expression as their eyes met, with something that was a kin to resolve.

“Pinki-Pinkamena, I promise I’ll help you however you need. Just the same, as your friend and your therapist, I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t get to that point.”

*I wish I could believe that.*

She kept her thoughts to herself as she closed her eyes, letting out a sigh as she moved away from Starlight, the warmth ebbing away as soon as contact was broken. She physically shuddered as the cold feeling of emptiness reared its hideous face, opening her eyes and glancing back at Starlight, feeling something reminiscent to when she would be getting ready for school and her eyes would go back to the bed, wanting to jump into its embrace and become encompassed by its solace.

Just like all those mornings, she shook her head and avoided looking at the source, willing herself to ignore the desire as much as she could. She couldn’t give in again, not here, not now. If she let everything go, let out every ounce of emotion and pain she’d been doing everything in her power to repress until she was ready to deal with it, she didn’t know if or when she’d leave. She still had so much to do until she could relax and deal with everything, she couldn’t stop now.

She brought her hands up to her hair and put as much behind her ears as she could, somewhat thankful that at least the texture of her hair didn’t change, a few of her long bangs dangling down her forehead, she tried to blow it out of her face just for it to go right back to where it was.

The crack in the dam holding back her emotions was plugged, her metaphorical mask was back on, the literal one waiting in her back pocket to be used. She was going to use it until she settled things with TSK and then get a new one, breaking that one and never thinking about Blake again, even if she had to force herself to.

“I think...that’s all I can handle today Starlight, I still have stuff I need to do.”

Pinkamena spoke with an almost dull tone, her back facing Starlight as she reached down to pick up her leather jacket, slipping it back on with ease.

“That’s...fine.” Starlight clicked her teeth making a ‘tsk’ noise, a blend of disappointment and frustration in her voice. “We didn’t make as much progress today as I would have liked, not on you, at least. It feels like we’ve been spending less and less time together, but I understand. When all this business with TSK is settled, we should go out and do something together, like a girls night out!”

There was an almost sheepish articulation in her voice, which was uncharacteristic for her, there was practically always an air of confidence with Starlight and with what she said. Pinkamena barely even noticed it, her hands rummaging around the pockets of her leather jacket, making sure the stuff she left in there was still there. Ever since she’d woken up from her coma, paranoia had become second nature.

Luckily, everything still was, not like she had any real reason to believe it wasn’t. She felt the outline of the ziplock bag with Marijuana Michael gave her earlier, she had nearly forgotten about it. Pinkamena questioned for a moment if she should ask Starlight if she had anything to roll it with, but then realized that telling her therapist she was going to be smoking weed wasn’t the best option. As cool as Starlight was, and as much as Pinkamena valued their friendship, there were some things she should not bring up.

Though in a weird, roundabout way, it did remind her of something else she needed to ask Starlight.

“Discord told me about the isolation tank in Ig-In my office, can you show it to me? And anything else I should know about it? I haven’t actually had the time to check it out yet.”

As Pinkamena said this, she turned around to face Starlight, adjusting the collar of her jacket. The exuberant therapist was a bit perturbed, her hands on her hips and scowling like she was expecting something. She drew breath to say something, but stopped herself, shaking her head as if to tell herself there was no point.

Starlight turned around and bent over, picking up the journal and closing it, easily slipping it back into her vest. “Yeah, I don’t mind, I don’t have a lot to do today. But, before we go…” Her movement ceased, other than her glancing at a small watch on her left hand. “Did you ask Discord about Cloudy?”

“Yeah, I did. We can talk about that later.” Pinkamena grabbed the doorknob and opened the door, hearing Starlight hesitantly turn around and walk up behind her, her heartbeat still a little erratic. “I figured on the way there I can catch you up on everything that happened, I’m sure you want to know why some of my hair changed color.”

“Wait, you mean you didn’t just dye it? But it looks so pretty! I didn’t think pink and black could go together, but the way your hair is, with one strain being pink and the one beside it being black, it almost makes me want to try it. If...pink or black were my colors, purple and blue fit me much better.”

Starlight said playfully with a small grin, the giddiness returning to her voice in an instant. She brought her hand up to Pinkamena’s hair and grabbed one of the black strains, tracing her fingers along it until she got to the tip. “It’s so soft too, I’m jealous! What do you do to get your hair so nice and straight? I never understood how you used to have it be so large and curly, and now it’s like this.”

She let go of her hair, her finger grazing against her cheek. Pinkamena tried to ignore the warm feeling she got in her face at Starlight’s touch, wondering whether she had just been deprived of good human contact with others, or if it was just Starlight that made her feel like that.

“I did take a shower earlier today, but I think it’s just naturally straight like that. It’s hard to explain, my hair has always been a bit weird, I’ll get to that later too. Right now, I’ll catch you up on everything, then we can set up that girls night out you were talking about. I don’t know when I’ll even get a day off, but I’d love to spend it with you.”

Starlight’s eyes lit up, her smile widening more than she’d ever seen it before and showing off her absurdly clean and white teeth, her hands grabbing Pinkamena’s excitedly with a surprisingly strong grip. “Perfect! I’m so excited! I haven’t had a girl’s night out since my college days, I miss being able to talk about clothes, and hair, and makeup, and gossip! You won’t believe some of the things Fancy Pants says when he’s drunk! Oh I’ve got to introduce you to some shows I just know you’ll love, I’m guessing Matt Stone will be your favorite, but I much prefer David Tennant.”

Pinkamena was a bit surprised by how animated Starlight was being, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen anyone so excited for a get together. Other than herself whenever she’d arrange a sleepover or party of some sort, anyway.

She couldn’t help but smirk at Starlight’s antics, it was nice to see someone getting so lively over something so lighthearted. With all the melodrama and darkness she had to deal with day in day out, the little moments of light like this are what keeps her pushing forward.

“Don’t get too excited, I can almost guarantee you it won’t be until sometime after I kill TSK and get Sunset off my ass. Besides, I don’t think I’ll be as fun to be around as I used to be.”

Starlight’s smile faltered a bit as she calmed down, noticing she had grabbed Pinkamena’s hands and abruptly letting go. “Don’t be a sourpuss! You’re plenty of fun to be around! When you’re not beating yourself up or dragging yourself down, really! Michael is much more a bummer nowadays, and Discord’s been so busy recently we’ve barely been able to talk. It’ll be great, you’ll see!”

As they talked they walked outside of Starlight’s office, she shut the door behind them and made sure it was locked. She held up her hand for a moment as she gestured for her to stop, reaching into one of the pockets of her ripped gray jeans. She pulled out her phone and began typing something on it, faster than even some high school girls Pinkamena had seen. Just as quickly she turned it off and put it back in her pocket, redirecting her attention to Pinkamena.

“Sorry about that, I was trying to set up a session with some friends. Anway, let’s go ahead and start walking towards your office, you can explain everything on the way there. It sounds like a lot happened after you called me.”

Seeing Starlight use her phone reminded Pinkamena of her own, she still needed to text AJ and set up a date for them to meet up so she could catch her up on everything, and also to make sure that she had Sunset and the others handled. The last thing she needed now was for them to get caught in the crossfire, she didn’t think The Silent Killer would shoot innocent civilians, but anyone who went out of their way to take out criminals dressed up in a suit like that, no matter what kind of justice they were using to justify it, couldn’t be mentally stable.

“Yeah, you could say that. Anway, right after I hung up, I walked into a convenience store and got shot. It was…” Pinkamena began to explain everything that had happened, deciding to leave out the fact that she was smoking again, that was a topic for another day.