I don’t remember getting back to the apartment. I’m sure Frank had a hand in it; he’d picked me up off the floor and held me like my dad used to as I screamed and cried until a doctor showed up. They’d given me something… Big bad spook and they had to pump me full of downers just to get me to stop screaming. I woke up in my apartment; the sun had gone down, moonlight streamed through the window. It took me a second, but it had all come rushing back, I curled into a ball and sobbed into my pillow for god knows how long. Until my bedroom door cracked open, Frank on the other side.

“Zack, Jesus. C’mon kid.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the hole I’d dug for myself, walking me into the kitchen. “I called Rob and Tuck; they were following up on something for me, they’re on their way now.”

I sank into one of my hard-backed chairs, “Does Celestia know?”

Frank nodded, “I made the call myself.”

“How was she?”

“She doesn’t give much away, but I’ve been around enough to know she was devastated, kept a lid on it, but there it is.”

“Christ, Frank, how the fuck did this happen?”

“SVR is on the war foot, Scott was visible in his cover at Diplomatic Security. They made the connection. Their Rezident, this Ivanov cocksucker, was the one who ordered the attack.”

“Faddei Ivanov? That smug piece of shit from the meeting with the Griffons?”

“Exactly, I dug into him to confirm what you believed, and it came back true. It appears he’s pulling the strings. But he’s back on Earth with Diplomatic cover, if we go after him, there’s a real solid chance that we could be fighting a war on two worlds. We have to win this one first.”

“Don’t tell me that Frank, tell me you have a target package being drawn up, and I can scoop this motherfucker and make him pay!” I stood and kicked the chair back into the wall, “SCOTT IS DEAD! RAVEN IS DEAD! AND THE BEST WE CAN DO IS SIT HERE AND TAKE IT?!”

Frank, as always, kept his cool, “No kid, what I’m saying is we have to bide our time, this thing is a cunt-hair away from turning into a shooting war on Earth too. Diplomatic relations have crashed. The only reason we’re not engaged all over Earth is that we haven’t outright fought the Russians here. Who knows how long that’s going to last? I do. And the answer is, not real fucking long.”

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself and slow my heart rate; it was like throwing a snowball at a freight train. I was borderline hyperventilating, my heart was pounding in my chest, I needed this to make sense, and it never would. A pounding knock on the door grabbed my attention; Frank went to answer it, Rob and Tucker brushed right by him and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug. Tucker tried to hold back a sob, Rob failed spectacularly, our brother was gone, and we were never getting that back.

A few hours went by, we drank and reminisced, more tears were shed, a few holes were punched into walls. I would forget for a few moments when someone told a bad joke, only to have to clamp down on the tears when I remembered. It felt like someone had bored a hole through my fucking soul, they had been so happy, so ready to start a life. I’d wanted it for them; I’d spent time writing my best man speech, now I’d have to work on their eulogy. I’d quit drinking when the room started to spin, only to start right back up again when it settled. I hoped, in a deep dark place, that the booze would kill me, and I’d get to see them again. Eventually, Frank had said his goodbyes, and the three of us had passed out around the apartment.

I woke with a rock in my gut and a pounding head. Tucker was idly making breakfast; Rob had an ice-pack covering his eyes. I didn’t say a word, opting to stagger my way into the shower, a few minutes later I had thrown on a pair of rumpled blue jeans and a t-shirt. Rob and Tuck were sitting around the table, I joined them, and we ate silently. Tuck always killed bacon and eggs, and today was no exception, but they didn’t taste the same, I had too much going on to eat more than a few bites.

“Ivanov was behind the hit, he ordered it, and his guys carried it out.”

Tuck pushed his plate away, “So we go get him.”

Rob shook his head, “We won’t even get close, we keep our eyes on the ball and hit him when the time is right.”

Tuck opened his mouth, but I cut him off, “You’re right. When we get this fuck, I want him to burn and have a good long time to feel it, for Scotty and Raven.

Tuck looked livid, but he knew I was right, “When the time is right then, for Scotty and Raven.”

“Fuckin’ A.”

A knock broke us out of our murderous haze. I opened it to see a Guard private, looking nervous. “What's up, Private?”

“S-sir, I’m here to escort you to the castle at the request of Princess Celestia.”

For the first time, I felt almost afraid at the prospect of seeing her; I clamped down on that feeling before it could get rolling. Her grief would be fresh, and I was already numb, time to face up to it. “Lead on Private,” I looked over my shoulder, “Guys, I’ve gotta handle this; stay as long as you need, just lock up when you go.”

I tossed my keys to Tucker, who nodded, “You got it, brother.”

Rob tipped his orange juice in my direction, “Later, man, be safe.”

“You too.”

I was on autopilot as the Private led me to the castle gates, a million thoughts racing through my mind, none of them good. I was still deep in thought when I heard someone calling me, “Sir?”

I snapped out of it and realized we were standing in front of Tia’s office; I had to force myself not to peek into Raven’s empty office, even now I was looking for my friend. I hope that doesn’t last too long; my fucking heart couldn’t take it. “Sorry, Private, thanks. Take care, huh?”

“You too, sir.” He saluted and waited for me to return it, the kid probably saluted the plants in the hallway, I returned his salute, and he left without another word. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open, couldn’t even come up with the energy to knock. Tia was scribbling on some documents but looked up when I let the door shut behind me, slumping against it. I dragged my gaze from the floor and met hers, neither of us moved.

I was so used to her being this unshakeable Goddess, this stoic mother to all Equestria, so when her face crumpled, tears trailing mascara down her cheeks, wracking sobs echoing off the walls, I had no idea what to do. My feet moved on their own, I took a knee next to her chair, wrapping my arms around her as she wailed. So many times I’d let her see my vulnerability, showcased my weakness, this was my first time seeing her with her guard down. I didn’t analyze; I didn’t try to help; I simply held my Goddess as she emptied her sorrows onto the floor.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, could’ve been minutes, hours, or days before she finally spoke. “I have lived a very long time, I have seen ponies live and die, a million souls born from dust only to return again. I am telling you this, so when I tell you that this is one of the most painful days of my life, you will understand my full meaning.”

I nodded into her shoulder, “I’ve seen my fair share of death, I’ve killed people, I’ve shown up too late to save friends, but just in time to see them die. Nothing will ever hurt like this does. I wanted the world for them.”

Celestia choked back a sob, “As did I. Raven had just plucked up the courage to ask me to officiate.”

I felt my heart break a little more. Replaced quickly by something I was all too familiar with, “I’m going to kill them, Tia, everyone who was there, everyone who knew anything, they’re all going to die, and it will not be pretty.”

She sniffed, “I know,” She held me a little tighter, “Will you stay with me tonight?”

“I was about to ask if I could stay, I don’t know if I should be alone either.”

She pulled out of the hug, smiling weakly, “I have a full day ahead of me, will you be alright until tonight?”

“I’ll manage. Tia, I love you, you know that, right?”

“Of all the things I am unsure of as of late, your love is not even in the same arena. I love you too, Zack.”

I kissed her gently as a fresh wave of emotion blew through me, even on a day like today, she could make me feel like all was right with the world. “I’ll let you get to it, I need to check in with work in any case, I’ll be back tonight.

“Be safe, my love.”

Could I promise her that? I decided that a comfortable lie would be better for the both of us, as I broke the hug.

“Always.”

I left Tia to her work and headed down to the gardens; the tents had been cleared, the vehicles had convoyed South during the night, the place was back to its peaceful self. I sat down on a stone bench and dug out my phone, dialing Frank.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Frank, anything going on?”

“There’s always something going on, kid. I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon. Nobody would blame you if you needed some time."

“I know bud, but I don’t have the luxury of sitting around, we’ve got a war to win. I know if Scotty were here, he’d tell me to suck it up and get back in the fight. You know it as well as I do, this could kill me if I let it, so I’m gonna get ahead of it. They’ll be plenty of time later, after.”

“I hear you kid, and as God as my witness, when this is all over, these motherfuckers will pay in spades.”

“Thanks, Frank.”

“There’s talk of a push, happening real soon, I’ll need you, boys, on deck.”

“How soon?”

“A day, maybe two, I’ll call you guys in and give you the details at the Annex. You gonna be okay until tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll figure it out.”

“Okay, kid, you call me if you need me.”

“I will, Frank, thanks.”

“Anytime, anywhere, son.”

I waited for him to hang up, then I dialed my Mom; I needed to hear her voice. She picked up after a few rings.

“Hey, honey.”

“Hi, Mom.”

“What’s wrong?” God, she always knew, I didn’t even have to say anything.

“Mom, listen, something happened, and I’m safe, but um,” I wiped the tears from my eyes, “Mom… Scotty didn’t make it, he…he’s gone, Mama.”

There was silence for a few seconds, “What? Zack, what are you saying?”

“He was killed yesterday, along with his fiancé.”

“Oh, God… Oh, my God!”

I tried to hold back the tears as I listened to Mom’s heart breaking; I almost managed it too. A few times when I’d gone home, Scotty had tagged along, charming my family, gone hunting with me during the winters, told Mom, Dad, and Jen all his stories about working the ranch growing up, they loved him too. I just let her sob into the phone, hearing her fresh grief was almost too much.

I stayed on the phone with Mom for an hour, sitting on that bench, telling stories. Her voice was bringing me back to center, easing some of that ache. I told her I loved her more in that phone call than I had in years, I didn’t want anything unsaid. I promised I would call her tomorrow, to give my love to Dad and Jen, all of those normal family things that I needed to say and hear. As I ended the call, I stared off to the South, just letting my mind wander.

I’ll get them back Scotty, I swear it. Rest easy brother; I hope that wherever you are, Raven is still keeping your ass in check.

I nodded to myself, before standing shakily, sniffing back the tears that threatened to fall. I turned on my heel and headed for the main gate, desperate to find something, anything, to do.

I spent the rest of the day wandering Canterlot, reacquainting myself with the city. I had lunch and watched some kids playing ball with their parents before moving on. I purposefully stayed away from downtown; I didn’t need to see the spot where Scotty and Raven had died, even if they hadn’t known it at the time. My mind betrayed me, bringing images I didn’t need. I could imagine Scotty taking hits, knowing the game was over, but still trying to get Raven to safety before he died, did he know he’d failed? I hoped that the universe had shown my brother some small mercy, that he never knew that Raven was gone.

I shook it off and kept walking, wearing out the soles of my shoes, after a few hours, the pain of each step became almost unbearable, I knew I had blisters, I was probably bleeding into my sneakers. But I kept moving, walking a circuit around the perimeter of downtown. Until the sun finally began to set. I forced myself onward, heading back to the castle. The fading light was the perfect backdrop to this self-flagellation, I was trying to stay away from the thought that if only I’d been there, I would’ve given everything I had to save them. That was the thought that killed guys, years after the fight was over. If only I’d been faster, stronger, quicker on the trigger, gone left instead of right, my brother would be here, I wouldn’t, but in those dark moments, it didn’t matter.

I waved to the gate guards, showing them my ID, they must’ve upped their rotations, it seemed like a new crew every day. I kept walking, through the hall, up the stairs, my feet screaming at me to stop, my legs were locking up, but I was so close now. I trudged down the hallway, my traitorous eyes flicking to Raven's office door. I was numb to it, but not enough. I raised a shaky hand and knocked on Tia’s door.

“Come in.”

I pushed the door open and almost collapsed.

“Zack? Are you alright?”

“I, I’ve just been walking, think I overdid it.” My voice sounded hollow, dead.

Her look of concern only intensified, “You have been walking all day?”

“I couldn’t stop; when I stopped, I couldn’t get their faces out of my head.”

“Oh, Love.” She stood and was at my side in a flash, holding me up, “Come to my room; let me look at you; I need to make sure you are alright.”

I let her lead me the rest of the way; the pain was gone, probably a good thing, right? Tia held me up as we walked down the hallway, through her door, and onto her bed. She knelt in front of me, untying my laces and slipping my shoes off, I hissed as the pain returned in full force. I could see the blood on my socks; they were almost soaked.

“Maker,” Celestia breathed, “Why would you do this to yourself?”

“Because I wasn’t there, I should’ve been there; they’d still be alive.”

I felt cooling relief as her magic flashed, healing the open wounds on my battered feet. “There is nothing you or I, nor anyone else, can do for them now, and do you really believe that you failed them so egregiously that you would hurt yourself so?”

“We always watch each other’s backs; I was sleeping while Scotty bled to death, I did fail them, Tia.”

“You did not!”

I jumped at her shout. In all the time I’d known her, the time we’d been together, I’d never heard her raise her voice. “You did nothing but exactly what was expected of you, you sacrificed and bled for them, they loved you, and wherever they are, they love you still. Do not call your integrity, your honor, or your abilities into question within earshot of me and expect me to entertain such foolish and baseless notions. No matter how much I love you.”

I just stared, she was right, I’d fallen into myself and allowed self-pity to reign. Scotty would be pissed. “I’m going to miss them until the day I die.”

“As will I. But we must honor their memory by continuing as they would wish us to.”

I felt a little life come back, “And I forgot that.”

“And no one can blame you. I certainly do not. But I will not allow you to wallow my love.”

“Thank you, Tia.” I leaned down and kissed her, feeling my heart start to beat again. She deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around my neck and pushing me onto my back. We just laid there, making out for a few minutes, it felt wonderful to feel something other than the pain I’d been living with. This, what I had with her? I’d walk through fire with a smile on my face. I rolled over, pinning her beneath me, kissing her with abandon. I broke the kiss, her purple eyes glowing up at me, “Tia, as much as I want this, need this right now, I don’t know if I have the strength.”

She smiled, “Nor I, Shall we get ready for bed?”

“Try and stop me.”

We showered together, holding one another, chasing away the grief even for a little while. While she changed into her nightgown, I stepped out onto the balcony to have a smoke, needing a little fresh air before bed. I leaned on the stone railing, staring off into the night’s sky, Luna had done something special tonight, the stars stretched across the sky so thick it looked like you could walk across them. I was about to stub out my smoke when a breeze blew across my face, I closed my eyes and leaned into it. Something changed subtly, softly. I could and would have sworn on my family that I could feel the last time Raven ever hugged me. The lingering warmth from that plucky little ball of emotion and caffeine hung on me long after the breeze had died down.

And as fast as it had come on, I felt it slip through my fingers, and I was alone again. I’ve never been a big believer in something after death, but right then, I believe that Equestria herself was reaching out to me with all the magic at her disposal, and it shook me to my core.

“Thank you,” I whispered, I don’t know who I was thanking; it was probably my mind playing tricks. But somewhere deep in my soul, it felt right.