Side of Beans

by Irrespective

First published 21st of May, 2020

All the side dishes that didn't quite make it into the main meal of the No Nose Knows series

No matter how epic the tale, or how stupendous the story, there will always be bits and bobbles that don't quite make into the yarn, for one reason or another.

This is (yet another) collection of such. Published in no particular order and presented with no peer review or editing, these little snippets are what got left by the wayside during the writing process for the No Nose Knows series of stories.

Potential spoilers ahead, if you haven't read the series! Proceed at your own risk!

Pregnant Noses Chap. 6 - Ogres & Oubliettes Followup

Author's Notes:

We begin with a follow up tale for Pregnant Noses Know, Chapter 6. The background to this is that Baked Bean has been playing a game of Ogres & Oubliettes with Shining Armor and Spike while Celestia and the other Princesses enjoy a Royal Day of Rest and Relaxation in Ponyville. At the end of the chapter, Celestia agrees to play the game with her husband and the others, but rolls a one on character class and ends up as a cook, just like her husband did. (It makes sense in context, trust me.) There were several readers who wanted to see what that game session looked like, so here is what happened.

I may add more to it later, time permitting.

It was a dark and stormy night when destiny decided to again interfere in the affairs of the mortal realm. A pounding, unrelenting rain had soaked the countryside, turning all roads into impassable muddy rivers of sticky muck and driving everypony into whatever shelter they could find.

All except for one.

A young stallion trudged through the deluge, his steps slow and methodical. Though there were a thousand other places he’d rather be at the moment, he had to press on. The fate of his young wife was at stake, to say nothing of his village and the surrounding areas.

But he needed to find some sort of shelter, and soon. He was literally soaked to the bone, and the cold evening air was sapping what little energy and strength he had left. The distant howl of timberwolves had been a steady companion since he had begun his journey, but they were growing uncomfortably close, and there were times he could swear he could see their glowing eyes in the bushes and brambles that lined the ‘road.’

In fact, when he first caught a glimpse of the lights in the distance, he mistook it for a timberwolf and nearly sent himself into the bushes for cover. It was several moments before he realized that the unmoving glint was an unmoving structure, but once he did, he let out a sigh of relief for the safety that a building like that would supply.

For a few moments, he worried that the light came from the torches of a guard on watch at a city’s gates, and that they would not allow him entrance at such a late hour, but to his great joy, he found a warm and comfortable looking inn, nestled in between two trees and with the smell of fresh bread pouring from the chimney.

Just as he took his first steps towards the oasis in the woods, though, his progress was halted by a most unexpected guard.

“Auch! Wouldda get a load of this dobber, thumpin’ about like some nanny goat in the springtime?” A tiny but sharp voice called out, and the equally tiny butt of a staff thumped the end of his nose. “State yer name’n business, and be quick about it.”

“My name is Dusty Roads, ma’am,” he replied, and he went cross-eyed in an attempt to focus on the tiny assailant in green robes. “My village has been attacked, and—”

“So yer seekin’ a company of heroes to go a-questin’ fer ya.” The diminutive druid spat to one side. “And what are you starin’ at?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve never met a… a… whatever you are.”

“Name’s Pansy,” the dark blue bumblebee sized fairy replied as she withdrew her staff. “An’ fer yer information, I’m a breezie. ‘Taint got many o’ them out yer way, I take it?”

Dusty shook his head. “I live in a small farming community of earth ponies, noble Pansy.”

“Aye, that explains it. C’mon then.” Pansy turned and motioned for him to follow her. “You must be the lucky sort. Group o’ adventures arrived naught but two hours ago. They should be able to help.”

Dusty let out a sigh of relief. “Good. I’ll pay whatever price they want, just so long as they can save my Maud.”

“That yer wife?”

“Yes. She—”

“Hold the story for inside,” Pansy said, with a suspicious glance to the trees around them. “Been a lot of brigands and cutthroats passin’ through lately. Can’t be too careful.”

Dusty said nothing more as he followed the breezie druid to the inn. Once at the door, his hoof reached for the latch and was promptly zapped by a tiny bolt of lightning.

“Ow!”

“Third rule of adventurin’.” Pansy chuckled and aimed her staff at the door. “Always assume a door is booby trapped.”

A beam of blue magic lept from Pansy’s staff, wrapped around the latch, and pushed the door open in one swift move. The druid then motioned for Dusty to enter first, and he did so carefully, lest he trip some other trap.

The inside of the inn, at first glance, was much like the inn in his own village, with a smattering of tables in front of a roaring hearth. Two chandeliers blazed overhead with the light of a hundred candles, and his stomach rumbled as the smell of bread practically ran him over.

There were few guests in the taproom that evening, but Dusty took a moment to look all of them over as he slowly walked towards the barkeep. In one corner sat a stern-looking, pale purple unicorn, who was decked out in armor that appeared to be made of bones, and with a skull staff leaning up next to her. A tankard was before her, but those deep violet eyes remained on him, unblinking and somehow piercing right to his heart.

In another corner sat a barbarian, who was currently unencumbered but had all of her gear in a nearby pile. Dusty was a bit confused to find that she was gleefully brading the silky smooth mane of a paladin into long plaits, and for some odd reason, she was rambling on about an enchanted ribbon that would give the svelte white mare increased stamina, if she would only wear it as a bow on her tail. The paladin was glaring furiously at a small wizard who sat with them, but the draconic summoner seemed to be unperturbed and giggled to himself as he watched the antics before him.

“Oy! Mud!” the breezie called out, and she jerked a hoof towards the straggling visitor. “Somepony ‘ere to see ya.”

The keep offered a warm smile and a hoof to shake, and Dusty couldn’t help but notice how unusually common he appeared to be. Typically, barkeeps were large ponies, with large bellies and even larger moustaches, but the yellow earth pony before him was so painfully normal that it hurt, somehow.

“Welcome to my humble establishment,” Mud offered as he placed a tankard on the bar in front of Dusty. “What can I get for you?”

“I’m looking for some adventurers,” Dusty began, but then he licked his parched lips as Mud filled the tankard with a fine-looking ale. Dusty hadn’t realized how thirsty he was up until that point—probably because he had been so focused on finding help, he noted to himself—but now that he could relax and catch his breath, his mouth felt as dry as a board. After taking a long draft, he continued. “My village was attacked two days ago by some sort of horrible army, and my wife was foalnapped, along with most of the villagers. I need somepony to go rescue her. And them.”

“I see.” Mud topped off the tankard and gave Dusty a reassuring smile. “Well, you’re in the right place. I’m sure there’s a creature here who will take up your cause. For a fee, of course.”

“I don’t care how much money it takes,” Dusty said, and he fought back the tears that were surging at the back of his eyes. “I just want my Maud back. Nothing else matters.”

When Dusty had walked into the inn, there had been a door just to Mud’s left, which he quickly assumed was the way back to the kitchen. But as soon as he had put the period on his last sentence, the door fairly exploded outward, leaving shards all over the room and one half of one hinge hanging limply from the frame.

Dusty fell off the barstool with the explosion, his eyes widening in dumbstruck amazement. The door’s former position was now filled with a mountain that was roughly shaped like an earth pony, her coat glistening in the candlelight from a thin, even coat of sweat from the ovens. Her fiery red mane matched her blazing yellow eyes, and all along her white body were the bold red tattoo lines of some fearsome warrior clan. In one hoof, she held an oversized war hammer that was easily as tall as she was long, and the head of it had to be the same size as his own.

If ever there was a pony who could rescue his wife, this mare was it.

“Bean!” she bellowed, the volume of the shouted name rattling the windows and floorboards. “I mean, Mud! Quickly, we must make haste! This poor stallion’s wife has been abducted, and who knows what perilous condition she may be in now! Garbunkle! Use one of your seeker spells to ascertain the mare’s whereabouts! Bonecrusher, to arms! We haven’t a moment to lose! Why are you just sitting there?! Time is of the essence!”

“You know, when I said you should try to act the way Brunhilde would act, I didn’t mean you should destroy our home,” Mud said as he rubbed the inside of his ear.

The massive mare gave Mud a sheepish grin, then turned back to evaluate the carnage she’d wrought. “At least I didn’t come through the wall this time.”

“Who are you?” Dusty breathlessly gasped.

“Oh! Forgive me, I have forgotten my manners.” The oversized maul slammed into the floor, and the living mountain offered a small curtsey. “Brunhilde, at your service.”

Dusty slowly picked himself up, and it took him several moments to look the gigantic mare over. “Are you a warrior, then?”

“Me?” Brunhilde tittered. “Oh, no. I’m just a humble cook. I run this inn with my husband, Mud,” she finished with a nuzzle to said husband’s cheek.

“A cook?” Dusty glanced to Mud in confusion, and got a nod in reply. “Forgive me, m’lady, but you don’t look like any cook I’ve ever met before.”

“That’s because she’s the luckiest mare on the planet,” the paladin in the corner grumbled. “I still say those dice were loaded.”

“Now, now, Gleaming Shield,” the barbarian chided. “We tested the dice repeatedly. Those twenties were all natural, and you know it. Quit being a sore loser.”

“Cheater.” Gleaming briefly stuck out her tongue at Brunhilde, then went back to sulking.

“Don’t mind her, Mister Dusty. She’s just upset that she’s a she,” Brunhilde said. “Now, about your wife and village. Did you happen to see who attacked you?”

Dusty slowly righted his stool and sat on it, and he hesitated as Brunhilde sat on the stool next to him. The severely stressed wood somehow held under her weight, despite the unholy groans of pain that it emitted. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight. We were…” he stalled, then shook his head. “We were attacked by skeletons.”

“Skeletons?” the pale pony in the back stood, and with a critical eye remaining on Dusty, she moved towards him. “What kind of skeletons?”

“The boney kind, I guess.”

“No. What I mean is, were they all skeleton, or did they still have some flesh and sinew on them?

Mud gagged slightly, but Dusty shook his head. “They were nothing but bone. Why?”

“This is the Squizard’s doing, then. Only he would have power sufficient enough to bring life to nothing more than the bones of the deceased.”

The small wizard lit up with delight. “Do you really think it’s the Squizard, Tonberry? We’ve not had any sight of him for weeks.”

“I’m sure of it, Garbunkle,” Tonberry solemnly said. “I will take up this quest for you, sir. My powers of necromancy will be needed to undo the evil he has created.”

“I shall accompany you, Tonberry,” the paladin proudly announced, and she thumped a hoof on her chest. “I am honor bound by oath and covenant to seek out and to destroy evil, wherever it may be. You have my blade.”

“And my axe,” Bonecrusher added, her hoof sliding along the edge of her weapon as she flashed a wicked grin. “It’s been far too long since I’ve bashed in some skulls.”

“I’m coming, too,” Garbunkle announced. “You’ll need a wizard to fight against a wizard, after all.”

“Ach, suppose I’ll need to chum along with you, ya bunch of dafties,” Pansy piped in.

“Mud?” Brunhilde glanced back to the barkeep, who was calmly sweeping up the shreds of door that had been scattered all around. “Go retrieve your exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife. We have work to do.”

“‘Fraid not,” Mud replied, his eyes still on the floor. “I just rolled a one. You and I have to stay here and tend to the inn.”

“What?” Brunhilde glanced over the newly formed fellowship, who all had sheepish grins. “He’s not serious, right?”

“I’m afraid he’s right,” Garbunkle said. “The roll was a critical fail, and since you two are married in this campaign, you have to stay here.”

A sly grin came, and Brunhilde’s rear hoof wiggled, as if it was surreptitiously kicking something. “I do believe Mud didn’t look close enough at the die. As I see it, he rolled a fifteen.”

“What?” Mud hesitated for a moment. “No I didn’t. It was a one. You bumped it when no one was looking, didn’t you?”

“Me?” Brunhilde put a hoof to her chest in faux alarm. “You accuse me of manipulating the die? I would never do such a thing! You all made it very clear that the Rule of the Die is absolute, and that I should never, under any circumstances, upset the random number gods. I am merely pointing out that the die reads fifteen, not one.”

“Sure looks like a fifteen to me,” Gleaming Shield noted. “I see no reason why they cannot accompany us.”

“You are all a bunch of filthy cheaters,” Garbunkle said with a laugh. “But the die does say fifteen. Brunhilde and Mud are part of the Fellowship.”

“Outstanding!” Brunhilde thundered, and she slammed her war hammer through a nearby table. “Rest tonight, noble Dusty. At first light, we shall gather provisions and embark on our quest. You shall guide us to your village, and we shall pick up the trail from there. The foul Squizard shall rue the day he dared to ply his evil in these lands!”

What if... Bean Didn't Meet Celestia???

Author's Notes:

There have been several readers who have noticed the similarities between No Nose Knows and Hiver's stories, mostly in the central theme (common guy/pony gets into a relationship with one of the Sisters). In Hiver's tale, Celestia enters into a relationship with a pony who is not Baked Bean, which prompted the following what would have happened to Baked Bean in Hiver's world, if he exists there scenario.

“Beanmeister!”

“Hey Sip.” Bean replied softly, his gaze on the floor.

“Long time no see! How was your trip?”

“It was ... disheartening.” Bean whispered. “Are my parents here? I need to talk to them.”

“Yeah, they’re here. They should be down in just a minute, Bake ran to tell them you were back after we saw you down the street.”

“Thanks. Could, uh...” He coughed, and he sniffled back an apparent sob. “Could you give me a few minutes alone with them?”

“I’ll give you however much time you need. What happened?”

This sob managed to escape slightly, and a couple of heavy tears fell to the floor. “They were right.”

“O-o-o-oh.” Sip replied knowingly. “Yeah, dude. Take all the time you need.”

“Baked?” Lima called out from the back before striding up to the front. “Is that you, sweetie?”

“Hey mom.” Bean’s eyes didn’t even flit upwards.

“Oh, my little Baked! What happened?”

Bean let out a cold and mirthless laugh. “You were right.”

“Oh, Baked, sweetie. Come here,” Lima opened her arms wide for a hug, and Bean slowly stepped into it. There was no warmth in it, no comfort, no peace. All he could feel was meaningless pressure and a smug, know-it-all vibe from his mother.

“Bean, buddy? Is that you?”

Bean’s body shook involuntarily for a moment, and he tried to offer a reply but nothing was coming out. His mouth simply opened and closed for a moment until he flat gave up.

“Oh, sweetie. It’s ok.” His mother soothed. “Sip, why don’t you go get us some tea?”

“Righty-o,” he offered, and he moved into the kitchen quickly.

“Here, sweetie. Let’s sit down and talk this out,” Lima offered as she pulled away.

“...and then I went to Canterlot,” Bean continued, as his gaze remained on the ice-cold tea he held in his hooves. “I thought I could try writing some descriptions of things, like the train station maybe, or the gardens. I even went to the gardens, and I tried to write down how the sunflowers there felt.”

“And?” Garbanzo prodded after a pause.

“I met Lord Page,” Bean offered. “Or, I saw him, and he said ‘hi’ real quick before moving on. Princess Celestia was there, too, but she was walking with somepony, I don’t know who. A grape-colored mare, but … anyway. They didn’t say hello, they were too lost in each other’s eyes to notice me.

“Once they left, I finished writing about the sunflowers and went back to the hotel. I tried going to a bunch of publishers after that, but nopony was interested in my writing. I kept at it until I ran out of bits, and I had to panhandle to get the train fare to come home.

“So you were right. The writing thing was just a phase, nothing more. I’m as bad at writing as I am at cooking.”

“Oh, Baked. Don’t say that.” Lima replied in sympathy. “You’re a far better cook than that.”

“Your mom is right, son,” Garbanzo offered as well. “Why, I bet within a week you’ll be cooking up a storm. You’ve seen what is out there, and now you know that sometimes we get a little distracted from our true callings in life. You’re home now, where you should be, and you’ll see. All will be right as rain before you know it.”

“Sure, Dad. Sure.”

“Boss?” Sip called out from the main door. “Hate to interrupt, buy we got some live ones inbound.”

“Time to get to work.” Garbanzo announced. “We could really use your help, son.”

“Give me just a minute. I’ll be right back.”

Garbanzo and Lima then simply left, leaving Baked Bean with his thoughts and emotions. He didn’t move, he didn’t stir, he hardly even breathed for several long moments.

“I was so sure.” He finally remarked to his reflection in the teacup. “So sure. There had to be something for me … there. In Canterlot …”

This Nose Knows Deleted Scene - The Questioning Bean

Author's Notes:

This little blurb was, at one time, the way I was going to show how Blueblood had messed with Bean's head just before Tirek's attack. It got cut for being too melodramatic and because the rhymes at the end stink.

Bean slunk back, then made a somewhat hasty retreat while his beloved gave her most faithful student a reassuring hug. Now was clearly not the time for him to burden his wife with his own mixed feelings, it was readily apparent that Twilight needed the reassurance more than he did.

It was an odd notion to him that she would question her place and purpose. To him, her role was clear, and her pathway was bright: she was to bring the magic of friendship to all whom she encountered. Perhaps that meant that, at times, she was required to no more than smile and wave, but how often had a friend been bolstered by such a simple act?

He took a slow breath in as he walked away, and the weight of inadequacy began to crush his own wounded heart. While Twilight Sparkle would find her true purpose and destiny in short order, his pathway was the one that was dim and unclear. What was his role? What purpose did he serve? Was he really no more than a base satisfaction?

He continued to muse while he retreated further in, but no answers came to his troubled mind. If anything, he was only growing more confused with each passing thought.

“You’ll play your part,”
State the princesses three,

To the one who, like them,
Is vital, and key.

Indeed, they have set
The stage, and the scene

But what of my part?
Is it meant to be seen?

The Sun rises true
The Moon, in soft rays

Speaks of Love, and the Magic
Shall soon know the world’s praise

But what of the Prince?
He was a mistake

And his role, it would seem
Simply does not equate.

This Nose Knows Deleted Scene - Celestia Learns the Truth

Author's Notes:

Originally, this blurb was going to be how Celestia figured out Bob the Changeling was posing as Baked Bean in This Nose Knows. I don't quite remember why it got cut, but I think it was something to do with point of view issues.

Princess Celestia was worried.

This wasn’t really news in and of itself, since Princess Celestia tended to worry about all of her subjects, their happiness, and their well-being. But there was one former subject who had arguably become the most precious pony to her, and that pony was not acting like himself in the slightest.

Celestia had noticed many things were amiss about Baked Bean after she had begun to follow Doctor Horsenpfeffer’s instructions to watch her husband like a hawk. For the rest of the day, she had casually but intently scrutinized everything he did, from the choice of words and the way he phrased them all the way down to his little tics and twitches. Over a thousand years of diplomatic training was put in full use, and the results that came back from this intense observation was extremely disheartening. By the time the two of them had made their way to the dining room for dinner, Celestia was almost completely convinced that the pony who was sitting next to her was not what he appeared to be.

It was something like when a pony portrayed another historical figure in a play. The movements, words, and actions of this Bean were close enough to the real Bean’s that an unobservant pony would think it was him.

Celestia knew better, though. This Bean put the emphasis on the wrong vowels and consonants for a Salt Licker, he blinked faster than normal, and he twitched more than usual.

That didn't even take his odd sneezing fits into account. Why would her husband suddenly develop an allergy when he’d been exposed to everything in their room before? Celestia just couldn't believe that a flying introduction to a grove a trees would suddenly make him allergic to dust mites.

Even now, Celestia could tell something was off. Thought this Bean was eagerly partaking in the evening meal, he was doing so in a rather unprofessional way. It appeared that he had forgotten some of the proper rules of etiquette: his elbows were propped up on the table, he had used the same fork for all three courses, and his napkin had not yet moved from its position beside his plate.

“How do the artichoke hearts taste, my love?” Celestia asked.

“Oh, they’re pretty good. I think they could use just a pinch of pepper, though.”

“Perhaps. You know, Chef Beet mentioned that she was looking for something special to prepare for Minotarian ambassador’s visit. Maybe you could help her develop a nice five course meal plan.”

There. Though this Bean was extremely good at masking his emotions, there was still the brief and faint flash of panic across his face.

“I'd love to help, if I can. I'll have to do some research first though. I don't know much about minotaur cuisine, and I'd hate to suggest something that they’d hate.”

“That would be problematic,” she replied, her jaw clenched tight. This was not right, her Bean would never show panic over such a simple request. If she had asked him to cook for the visiting delegation, then he might be concerned, but he had never shown anything but delight when asked to assist with meals.

But if was not her Bean, who was he, and what was he trying to accomplish by impersonating him? Where was the real Bean at? She refused to entertain the notion that he had perished in the Everfree. He had to be alive. But since he was alive, the only possible reason this Bean would be here was because …

Celestia’s eyes widened a bit with the realization, and she forced down a gasp of alarm.

Chrysalis.

Somehow, the Queen of the Changelings must have figured out Bean’s plans to defend Ponyville from Tirek, and then she could have abducted her Bean and replaced him with this imposter. It would be easy to do, and Chrysalis would know that Celestia would not ask any questions after finding her husband alive after believing him to be dead.

Celestia fought down her anger at the brash defiance of such a plan. If this was the case, she would personally level the Hive and banish Chrysalis to a prison she would construct in the middle of the Everfree Forest just for her.

But she needed to be sure. If the Bean that sat next to her was an agent of the Queen, he would hold valuable information about Chrysalis’ plans, and more importantly, where her beloved Bean was being held.

“Celly, are you all right?” Bean asked. “You look like something is troubling you.”

Celestia met his gaze directly, and his emotion was so clearly exposed in his face that he might as well have been shouting it.

He was scared.

Celestia pushed her seat backwards and regarded the imposter from under half-lidded eyes, a predatory purr rumbling up from her throat. “On the contrary, my dear Bean. I am just fine. I was just thinking about how much I’ve missed your personal touch.”

“Oh?” There was a slight hint of nervousness in the question.

“Oh yes.” Celestia moved in close, and she heard his breath shudder. “There’s never been any other pony who knew how I liked to be held and caressed, and you always know what I long to hear. Now that you are feeling well enough to be up and about, I think we can begin to rekindle the more intimate side of our relationship.”

Bean gagged on his food, then stammered out something incoherent. Celestia gave him a menacing chuckle, then began to nibble his neck. If this was her Bean, then he would enjoy this show of affection, and she would reduce him to giggling mess when she reached that one particular ticklish spot on his neck.

If he was not, then Luna would be given the opportunity to practice her ancient torture methods once more.

“Should we be doing this right here?” Bean protested weakly. “I mean—”

Celestia shushed him, and she moved up. He should react to this. Celestia wanted him to react to her actions.

But Baked Bean did not react.

Instead, he pulled away slightly from her. “No, really. What will Wysteria say if she finds us doing this?”

He did not get an answer to his question.

What he did get was a personal introduction to the wall on the far end of the hall.

No Nose Knows - Alternate Starlight Glimmer Introduction

Author's Notes:

This little bit was a alternate way for Starlight Glimmer to be introduced in chapter 28 of No Nose. I never seriously considered using it, mostly due to massive unfortunate implications that would come with referincing Pink Floyd's The Wall.

This might look familiar, as it first appeared in my blog about a year ago or so.

[Discord has invaded the court, filling most of the room with a crowd of himself. Bean has allowed him to stay, but is wondering where Luna is.]
“Who’s the first petitioner?”

“Let’s see…” She [Wysteria] glanced down at her trusty clipboard. “Oh! That’s interesting. It’s a unicorn by the name of Starlight Glimmer. She wants to start a new town out near the edge of the Badlands.”

“Why is that interesting?”

“I don't recall anypony else asking to start a town the whole time I've worked here. It's interesting that she wants to start a new one rather than move to a place that's already established.”

Bean thought about this for a moment. While interesting and perhaps a bit odd, there didn't seem to be a reason why this Starlight should be denied. “Send her in, Wysteria. Maybe we can figure out why she wants to do this while we wait.”

“Of course Your Highness.” Wysteria replied, and she nodded to the guards at the door. The massive double doors then swung open, and Bean took a deep breath again as his hoof touched his Celestial Crystal.

This was now his court.

The alternate introduction of Starlight Glimmer:

The natural light that was in the room suddenly extinguished itself and was replaced by the flickering light of torches which were being held by every third Discord in the room, who had all changed with the light into black hooded robes that obscured everything but their gleefully malevolent grins. The doors creaked like they hadn't been used in a hundred years as they opened, and Starlight was then led into the room in shackles by two of the pegasi guards, who looked just as confused as Starlight did.

Bean groaned and began rubbing his temples as the knell of a distant bell echoed throughout the chamber, and he closed his eyes as he tried for a moment to figure out what Discord was up to as Starlight finished walking the red mile to the throne.

When the clanking of the chains finally stopped, Bean opened his eyes and found himself dressed in black robes and banging a gavel from behind a raised Bench. Starlight Glimmer stood before him, still chained and flanked by the guards, and to her left Discord - who was dressed in robes that were similar to Bean’s and wearing a white powder wig - unfurled a scroll and cleared his throat.

“Good morning, Bean your Honor!” he grandly proclaimed. “The Crown will plainly show the prisoner who now stands before you was caught red-hoofed showing … feelings!”

The crowd gasped in unison.

“Yes!” Discord continued. “Caught red-hoofed showing feelings of an almost equine nature! This will not do!”

“Discord, what are you doing?” Bean asked in exasperation.

“Well, since you’re flying solo I thought I would help,” he replied with a pout.

“All right. Walk me through this, then: why does an application to found a new town involve shackles, a judge and an attorney - and, if I may point out, neither of us have had any training in law to boot - and accusations of having feelings?”

“Well, it…” Discord started, but then he stalled. After a moment of thought, he gave Bean an embarrassed smile. “Perhaps a bit over the top?” he offered.

“Just a pinch.” Bean agreed with heavy sarcasm. “Look, I really don't mind you helping, but it needs to actually be helpful.”

Side Story - Royal Treatment

Author's Notes:

This little story is the brainchild of Mythic Night, who you may remember as the author of The Ketchup Ascension, or How Baked Bean Got a Pair of Wings. This particular tale focuses on the tender loving care that Celestia provides to Baked Bean after he makes it back to Canterlot in This Nose Knows.

Be Warned: this little snippet is on the line between mature and teen, mostly because it features anatomically correct ponies reacting appropriately to external stimuli.

Viewer Discretion is Advised.

After everything that had happened, Baked Bean was glad to be home, recovering from his ordeal. Half his body was bandaged up, and he was under strict orders from Doctor Horsenpfeffer to stay in bed while his injuries healed—not that he was really in any condition to wander around the castle, anyway.

We’re going on a long vacation when I get done healing, he decided. A whole month away from everything. Just me and Celly… A smile grew as he added, and our little bean. He still couldn’t believe the news, but Doctor Horsenpfeffer confirmed what his wife already knew; she was pregnant with their first child. He felt both overjoyed and utterly terrified at the thought of being a father, and he knew Celly felt the same way about becoming a mother, but he had faith that they’d get through it together.

Before he could further reflect on his upcoming foal, he heard voices at the door. He couldn’t make out what was being said, but he could tell that Celly and Sergeant Pokey were the ones talking. She had decided to personally oversee his recovery, and under her diligent care he was sure to heal quickly.

The door opened just enough for him to see Celestia’s muzzle, and he heard her say, “Make sure to keep your head tilted back, Sergeant; that’ll help to stop the bleeding.” With that wisdom given, the door opened fully to reveal his wife, and what he saw made his jaw drop.

Princess Celestia, diarch of Equestria and ruler of the sun, was wearing a snug, pink nurse outfit, complete with a matching hat. The top was a short-sleeved shirt buttoned up just enough to reveal her chest fluff, and it appeared that she was wearing a short skirt as well.

“How are you feeling, my love?” she asked him.

“…As well as can be expected, I suppose,” he replied, looking her over. “Uh, what are you wearing?”

She smiled at that. “Oh, this thing? I had Rarity make it for me; something to encourage you to heal faster. Do you like it?” she asked as she turned to the side, showing off her outfit.

She was definitely wearing a short pink skirt, and he barely managed to pull his eyes away from her rump to look at her and say, “Y-yeah…”

“I’m glad to hear that. So, are you feeling hungry?” she wondered.

He nodded in response. “Food sounds good.”

“Wonderful!” She stepped aside, allowing two maids to wheel carts into the room. They nodded to the royals and then closed the door as they left. “Chef Beet made a delicious meal for you,” she told Bean as she turned around to look over the food on the cart, and Bean felt his heart skip a beat.

That short skirt hugged her perfect rear—which he could see because she kept her ethereal tail flagged—and it was just long enough to hide her royal goodies. Not for the first time, he wondered what he did to deserve such a wonderful and sexy mare as his wife.

“The main dish is a hearty vegetable stew,” she told him as she lifted up the cover and took a deep sniff. “There’s also fresh biscuits to go along with it.” She lifted another cover to reveal a plate stacked tall with perfectly-baked biscuits. “And as for your drink, Chef Beet made some ice-cold lemonade. She tells me that it’s her grandmother’s recipe. But if you’d prefer something else…?”

“Uh, no, that’s fine,” Bean replied, his attention more on her plot than on the menu selection.

Celestia smirked as she heard the distraction in his voice. “Now, as for desert…” She turned to the other food cart, and bent down to look into the freezer at the bottom.

Bean gasped as her position allowed him just a glimpse of her femininity otherwise hidden by the skirt—or her tail on any other day.

“We’ve got several flavors of the finest ice cream in Equestria, with all the fixings,” she told him. “We could make sundaes! Doesn’t that sound nice?”

Bean could only respond with a needy groan, his eyes glued to her rear.

Celestia smirked to herself. “Is everything okay, my love?”

Bean took a deep, shaky breath and nodded his head. “Y-yeah, everything’s swell…”

She got up and turned around, a smug grin on her face as her eyes fell to the tent her husband was pitching. “I don’t know about everything, but there’s definitely something swelling.” Celestia couldn’t help but chuckle as her dear Bean’s face went beet red.

She trotted over to the bed, hips swaying with each step. “Perhaps, after you’re done with lunch, I could give you a nice sponge bath. What do you think?”

“S-sounds awesome…” he answered.

Celestia chuckled. “I thought you’d say that.”

Side Story - Spikey Wikey

Author's Notes:

This little gem comes from Airy Words, and covers what could have happened to Chrysalis if Celestia had figured out where her hive was in This Nose Knows. For some of you, this story will look familiar, as it was originally published by Fan of Most Everything in his anthology series Never The Final Word, Vol. 2

Rarity skipped up to the Golden Oaks Library and knocked. Her smile was locked in place while she waited. After several seconds, the door opened and a young voice called out from well below her head.

“Library is open! Just come on…Rarity!” His eyes practically filled with stars and the last word dripped with reverence.

The unicorn tittered. “Oh, Spikey Wikey! You always know just what to say to make a mare feel welcome!”

The dragon sighed. “Whatever you say, Rarity!”

The fashionista leaned forward and placed a kiss on the top of his head. “You are just SUCH a dear! And always so helpful!”

Spike’s breath caught in his throat and he stood stock still.

After ten seconds or so, Rarity’s smile disappeared and she spoke with a hint of annoyance. “Breathe, Spike. Don’t forget to breathe.”

With a gasp followed by a look of utter gratitude, Spike smiled even wider. “Wow! Thanks, Rarity!”

The same smile plastered itself on the mare’s face. “Oh, Spike! Such a kidder! Say! Would you do your biggest fan a teensy-weensy favor?”

“Anything for you, Rarity.”

“That’s gooooood. Please send this scroll off to Princess Celestia for me, would you? That’s a nice dragon.” A scroll sealed with green wax floated in front of him.

Without taking his eyes off the unicorn, Spike breathed on the scroll and it dissolved in the dragonfire. Wisps of smoke headed off towards Canterlot.

Rarity gave a little jump. “Oh, look at the time! I must be off to sew more amazing fashions! Thank you again, Spike!” The dragon and the door to the library lit up in Rarity’s magic. Spike was levitated inside and the door slammed closed. Rarity immediately began galloping in the direction of the Everfree Forest.

Spike blinked a few times, slowly shook his head, and asked aloud, “What happened?” He then caught his breath. “Rarity!” Again, he froze in place. There was a knock on the library door, but Spike stood insensate. After another knock with no answer, a voice from the other side of the door said “Oh, right. Still open-for-business hours.”

Then three things happened almost simultaneously: the door slammed open, someone yelled “Surprise!” and a cannon went off.

Spike extracted himself from a ball of confetti that had impacted and stuck in the fourth shelf up in the “Self-Help” section. “Pinkie! What the heck! Why did you just party cannon me into next week?”

The perky party pony bounced in front of him. “But were you surprised? Huh? Huh? Huh? Because I got a triple left knee itch followed by a one of those almost sneezes that suddenly goes away have you ever had those anyway that meant you had forgotten to breathe again and there was somepony new in town at the Library!”

Spike frowned and tried to step out of the confetti streamers wrapped around his legs. Instead, he made two multi-colored paper comets trail behind him across the floor. “Well…maybe the first part, but it was just Rarity here a second ago. You must have seen her.”

Pinkie furrowed her brow then slowly turned her head upside down then shook it back and forth. “Whoa! Head rush! I’ll have to try this again! Anyway, no, I didn’t see her on my way over. Are you SUUUUURRRREEEEE there was nopony new here just a few seconds ago?”

The Earth Pony Guard wore a set of armor that Celestia recognized as Mark VII duridium steel full-plate that now was a bit worse for wear. Mud, leaves, and dirt were caked on every surface that served to cover the stallions’ body completely. The helm held under one foreleg was in the same state. He stopped in front of the Solar Diarch in her private chambers and bowed.

“Lieutenant Grappling Hooves. Report.” Celestia’s voice was flat and emotionless but her eyes burned with a fire that could not be hidden.

“The chimera’s nest was located and Sergeant Ironbottom and I kept the beast pinned while the rest of the team searched. We found these and I hesitate to guess their meaning.” Opening his saddlebag, he reached both forehooves inside and extracted two items, holding them for his ruler to see. One hoof held the sun medallion given to Prince Bean by his wife. The other…

Celestia’s mask broke and she fell to her knees. “Is that…? There were no…”

The soldier shook his head and held the piece of black shell higher. “There was enough chitin for a single changeling. It had died recently and there were no bones or hide of any pony.”

The Princess’ eyes watered and tears fell freely from them. “Then, that means…”

Her musings were stopped by a pop in front of her horn. Instinctively, she caught it and rotated it in her magic. The green seal was too translucent to be wax and bore a stylized letter “C.”

Her composure returned instantly and she stared forcefully at earth pony. “Speak to no pony about this. Also, give the same instructions to the rest of the team.”

He bowed. “It has already been done, Your Highness.”

She nodded. “Take both items to brief my sister, in private. Then ask her to come to my chambers.”

Luna turned the scroll upside down. “Such an amateurish attempt at extortion. I mean honestly. ‘WE hAvE YOur BEAn. COme aLOnE to The BaDLAndS. TelL NoONe.’ Is it really necessary to clip letters from various magazines to form a scroll of ransom? Is this a practice I missed while I was away?” She then started to examine the back of the scroll.

Her sister huffed. “Please try to be serious, Lulu. I’m already putting my husband at risk by showing you this.”

“By no means,” replied Luna. “There is no such word as ‘noone.’ You can’t be expected to have to guess the intentions of those who don’t know these are two separate words. Perhaps they meant to say ‘no pony’ but ran out of the letter ‘p’ and weren’t clever enough to place the letter ‘b’ upside down.”

“Luna…”

The Night Alicorn waved a hoof dismissively. “Oh, fine. I admit it still wouldn’t look right without a mirror. So…” she put down the scroll and looked at her sister. “…plan 17B, I suppose?”

Celestia blinked. “Ummm…that was some time ago. Is that the one where you lead a few dozen dragons down every hole and burn up everything in sight?”

Luan smiled fondly and sighed. “Oh, that was great fun! But you’re thinking of Plan 27A. No. You swallow a moonstone for tracking, I spy on your whereabouts by moonlight, and if you don’t emerge from the changeling hive within an hour, I start destroying it with iron meteorites, working my way from the outside in. I won’t use anything heavier than an average pony so there will be no chance of hurting you, even if your magic is suppressed.”

“But my Bean still could be.”

“Then you will just have to shield him with your ample posterior.”

That earned her a glare.

“What? Safer than using your face, is it not? And you must admit it is big enough to do the job.”

The Day Alicorn sighed and started for her balcony. “Good enough, I suppose.” She took and gulped down the small rock offered by her sister. “No reason to delay.”

Chrysalis cackled. At last, the Alicorn of the Sun was under her control once again. The princess had left her vestments at the edge of the Badlands before being led deeper in the desert—only being led to the hive after ensuring there was no pursuit. The changeling queen double-checked the three nullstone rings on Celestia’s horn and the hobbles of the same material above her hooves. The drones before and behind them were alert and ready for any tricks. The alicorn walked impassively forward through the passageway of the new changeling hive. Even if the nullstone wasn’t in place, no magic except for changeling magic would work here, but that was a secret to be held back in case this was a futile rescue attempt.

“Did you enjoy spending time with my drone? Was his act convincing?”

“He was the bravest creature I have met in centuries. I will mourn his passing for the rest of my days.”

The queen’s smile ended. This was not what she had expected to hear. She studied the alicorn’s face but did not see any deception. Eventually, she sighed and looked away. “Yes. He was indeed the finest of my children.”

Celestia glanced sideways and gave a small smile. “Then we do have something in common.”

This got no response.

A minute later, they entered a small storage chamber with perhaps a dozen green pods hanging from the ceiling. A large empty pod hung next to the only occupied one. Inside…

Celestia gasped and Chrysalis was surprised at the strength and depth of the love radiating from the pony monarch. So he really had re-awakened the passions of the oldest creature in all the lands. The queen unconsciously extended her wings a bit while she soaked up the energy. Free food is free food. “Take your time. I promise you will dream of him when you are in your pod, just as he has dreamed of you for the past week.”

The Sun Princess did not seem to hear her. “You saved my prince. You saved my love.”

Chrysalis drummed a forehoof with a bit of impatience. “Yes. Now would you—”

That was as far as she got. Celestia’s wing snapped out, gathered up the queen and drew her back in an instant. Before a shout could be made, before a breath could be taken, before a there was time to blink, the alicorns’ lips met those of Chrysalis.

An explosion of love filled the queen’s body. She felt the holes in her legs fill in a moment and the energy threatened to burst out of every crease between her chitinous plates. It was as if all the power of the shield that expelled the hive from Canterlot was being channeled into Chrysalis’ body.

In desperation, the queen used her hive mind connections to shoot the excess to the closest guards which collapsed in spasms as their bodies struggled to cope with the impossibly fast influx of love. This was quickly followed by every changeling in the hive, then every changeling throughout Equestria and the nations beyond. And still it came.

With her body feeling like it was an overfilled balloon, Chrysalis dumped a year’s-worth of love into every dormant egg in the hive. Grubs burst from every egg, screaming in joy at the energy that surged inside them. And still it came.

Locked in Celestia’s embrace, the queen could only find one outlet left to keep from exploding. She streamed the love back to the alicorn.

After perhaps seconds and perhaps lifetimes, the kiss ended. Chrysalis slid bonelessly to the floor as Celestia broke the chains binding her manacles with two steps and sliced open her husband’s pod with the uncovered tip of her horn. Baked Bean slid out, coughing green gel from his lungs. Celestia gently helped him to his hooves and waited for him to open his eyes. When he did, he smiled.

“I was just having the most wonderful dream about you.” He shook his head and neck, causing green goo to fly everywhere. “Though I suppose I look quite frightful right now.”

Celestia smiled and booped her nose against his slime-covered one. ”You’ve never been more beautiful, my love.”

They closed their eyes and their lips met.

“What…have…you…done?”

The royal couple turned and looked down to the source of the voice.

“Every…ugh…every one of my eggs is hatched. Every drone will be in a food coma for a week. What have you done?”

Celestia smiled sweetly. “You are very welcome.”

This was met by a slack-jawed stare. “I now have twelve queens that just hatched! What am I supposed to do with one hive and twelve extra queens!?”

Bean spoke up. “Say, dear? Who is that, exactly?”

Chrysalis struggled to get to her hooves and noticed that everything about her body felt…wrong. Her head was top-heavy. Her vision was fundamentally different, able to pick out reds and yellows as never before. And the hunger was gone. Even when she had been fully sated in the past, the ghost of that hunger was always there. Now it just didn’t seem to exist. She pointed an accusatory hoof at the pair. “You two did some…thing...” Her hoof was green. No, her entire LEG was a seamless lime green.

Her horn lit and her magic coalesced into a full-length mirror beside her. She shrieked, “I’m hideous!” She spread her wings and screamed again. “You turned me into some sort of sparkly deer butterfly thing! I look like a rejected foal’s toy!” She stopped to look herself again up and down. “No, too colorful and tasteless! I look like a rejected baby toy!”

The mirror dissipated as her horn went out. Her rear legs gave way and her rear hit the ground. She started hyperventilating. “Why did you do this to me? How can I lead my people when I look like a cotton candy-fueled nightmare?”

Celestia wrapped a protective wing around Bean. “I did nothing of the sort. Somehow, you did this to yourself.”

Chrysalis’ head snapped up. “My beauty is gone! My hive will soon be starving again! I would never wish this on anyone!”

The Sun Princess smiled a bit evilly. “It sounds like you are going to need a FRIEND to provide HELP for your people. All you ever had to do was ASK.”

The Sun Goddess turned and returned to kissing her husband as her wing made sure he had absolutely no say in the matter. When she came up for air, she said to Baked Bean, “You see, dear? Friendship truly is magic.”

The transformed queen stared unblinkingly for several seconds. “By the First Egg, I so hate you ponies.”

Side Story - A Glimpse Into The Future

Author's Notes:

A little glimpse into Bean and Celestia's future.

Or, at least what Mythic Night thinks could happen.

A Glimpse of the Future
By: Mythic Night

It was morning in Canterlot, and the royal family was sitting around their dining table, eating breakfast together. Bean smiled as he gazed upon his family, with his beautiful wife helping their youngest with their food, while Banana Split minded the other two. Little Nilla was having a lively conversation with Banana about the dreams she’d had the night before, and her nanny listened intently. Bean’s gaze upon this domestic bliss was broken when he heard the door open, and he turned to see who had invited themselves into the dining room.

Raven nodded to him as she trotted in, bringing the daily newspaper and, curiously enough, a tabloid magazine. “Good morning, your highnesses,” she greeted them as she placed the two items on the table next to Bean.
“Good morning, Raven,” Bean replied. “What brings you by so early?”

Raven smirked and told him, “Well, I saw this magazine last night while I was out shopping, and I thought you and the princess might get a kick out of it. I’ll be back later to talk about your schedule for today.” With that, she turned around and trotted out the door, closing it behind her.

Curious, Bean picked up the magazine, and his brow furrowed as he saw the headline. Royal Marriage in Trouble? the magazine asked, and curious, Bean opened it to read the article. It didn’t take him long at all to find out the reason they thought he and Celestia were having marriage problems, and he began to chortle.

Celestia turned to look at him curiously. “Bean? What’s so funny?” she wondered. Wordlessly, he hoofed over the magazine for her to read. She cocked an eyebrow at him, then turned her gaze to the article. It wasn’t long before she discovered just what it was he saw, and she was incredulous. “Really? Really…?” Her reaction caused Bean’s chortles to grow into full belly laughs.

“What is it?” Banana Split asked.

Celestia snorted and rolled her eyes. “The author of this article believes that Bean and I are experiencing relationship issues because I’m not currently pregnant.” She shook her head at the sheer insanity of it all. “I bore three foals in five years, and now that we’re currently content with the size of our family, suddenly ponies think that our relationship is on the rocks simply because I’m not waddling about the castle.”

“That’s ridiculous,” the nanny declared.

“It sure is,” Celestia agreed. “Our marriage is doing just fine, isn’t it, Bean?”

Bean smiled and nodded. “Absolutely fine.” He raised his muzzle to meet hers for a tender kiss. “Even if it began with a nose boop,” he whispered, the two booping noses once more with a chuckle.

This Nose Deleted Scene - Bean and Discord

Author's Notes:

Believe it or not, Ripley, but I do actually try to plot out where I want the Nose series to go, as opposed to simply writing whatever comes to mind at the time.

Mostly. :)

As proof, I offer this little tidbit from This Nose that was, for a long time, going to happen just before the big fight with Tirek, and show Bean's eventual forgiveness. It got cut because, try as I might, I couldn't get it to fit in with the story.

Bean offered a sigh that so heavy it could very well have doubled for a black hole. He knew who it was, who was standing behind him. He didn't bother to turn his head to any degree, and his grey eyes remained focused on the grey and windswept horizon before him.

"Good afternoon, Discord."

"Bean-o." Discord replied flatly. Bean chuckled mirthlessly, and he slowly closed his eyes.

"Bean-o," he repeated softly. "Huh. There was a time when I actually liked that nickname. I'd never had one before. It was something ... something friends did. I had thought, at one time, that we were friends. It's really rather disappointing that we are not."

"Spare me the guilt trip, Bean. Tirek has offered me much more than you ponies ever could."

"He has? Well. I suppose I should be glad that you have been given so much. Just do me this one favor: whatever you've come here to do on behalf of your master, do it quickly. I would hope I've earned that small morsel of compassion from you."

"Master? I am a slave to nopony, or nothing.
I am his friend."

"I sincerely hope you are, Discord; but I also hope that you are not too disappointed when you find your playtime is cut far shorter than you ever expected."

But then later, because this is Bean:

Ashamed was about the tip of the iceberg for how Discord looked, let alone felt. There was a strong chance he would have fled the scene already except for the fact that Fluttershy was gently and firmly holding his paw. He slowly walked up to Baked Bean, and after a gentle pat on his paw, he tried to mount an apology.

"Look, uh... I..."

Discord glanced up slightly, and found a yellow hoof stretched out him. His eyes went further, and he found a forgiving smile plastered on the face of the Prince.

"Call me Bean-o. All my friends do, after all is said and done."