Nathan had to go to work in the morning. He left me food, water and turned his game console on. He promised me he would pick some things up for me when he got off work. So until then, I had the trailer to myself. I was left alone all day with my thoughts.

My thoughts and I were not friends.

The couch smelled and I couldn’t stand that bedroom so I was laying out on the floor in the dusty guest blanket. The blanket originally ended up there because I didn’t want to sleep in that bed after what I did on it. So I left to go sleep on the couch with the blanket. The couch proved too smelly though so I eventually moved it to the floor and tried sleeping there.

Nathan found me there, in my fitful sleep, during a trip to the bathroom. Feeling pity on me sleeping on the floor he convinced me to do what I was reluctant to do: I slept in bed with him. He wanted to spoon. So I agreed to it. I never asked him to help me get redressed. At this point the clothes were just a nuisance and I had no shame left around him since he had seen everything. I was still lying around his home naked from the night before.

When you want to forget the night before, it’s never too early to drink. So as soon as Nathan left I started finishing off the Jameson that was left open all night next to the couch. It still had all its notes but if it were a bouquet, then each of the flowers had withered. Something beautiful was gone from it now.

I left the water and food Nathan put out for me on the coffee table untouched. He was well-meaning when he put the water and cereal both into bowls for me, I was clearly having trouble with cups last night, but I wasn’t his pet. I wasn’t human either though. My name can’t be Brian if even I don’t call myself that.

My name was Berry Punch and I was an alcoholic. I was ashamed of what I did for alcohol. I felt ashamed of the person I was. I was ashamed of the way alcohol was crippling all of my relationships.

I thought about my friendship with Nathan in school. Looking back at it, I realized most of the time I hung out with him because he always invited me over to smoke. At some point he must have realized this, but he kept buying and inviting me over. Sometimes he even tempted me with beer. He didn’t have a lot of friends, so I thought I was being a good friend by coming over and smoking his weed. Was that a good friend? I didn’t ever watch ponies with him until last night. He was an awkward person; I could have tried harder to introduce him to my friends. I knew he had some kind of social disorder and would need help with that kind of thing. Instead, I just used him. And now, in a way, I was still using him. Far more than he used me last night.

I didn’t have to drink last night. I didn’t have to agree to share the alcohol I had on me and I didn’t have to agree to let him buy absinthe for me. But I did all of those things. And then I even let him have sex wih this body because I was weirdly horny and Nathan was there. I knew that Nathan would be grateful. He was always ‘grateful’ for what I did ‘for him’.

This morning though I realized it meant far more to him than it did to me. He hugged me and nuzzled me. He put out food and water. He asked me if I needed anything and said he’d get it. He promised he’d bring back dinner.

But what he was doing became clear to me when he dropped the question on me. Right before he had to go out the door:

Nathan got down on my eye level and asked, “Do… Do you want to be my boyfriend? Or my girlfriend?”

“What?? Why would you ask me that?” I asked bluntly.

“Well, I mean, we had fun last night,” he said, chuckling awkwardly. “We could do that every day, if you want. And you can stay here for as long as you want! I promise I’ll take care of you. I’m even buying some weed from a friend today so we can smoke like we used to. So... you’d sort of already be a girlfriend kind of, right? What’s the harm in making it ‘official’?’

“Nathan, those things were fun, but-”

“You can think about it! Please? I have to go but spend some time thinking about it, okay?”

So I did think about it. And then I started drinking about it.

I heard my cell phone buzz again. There had been over a dozen messages that morning but I couldn’t get beyond my lock screen and the only thing the previews told me was that most of them were in our group chat and there was one new person in there that wasn’t in my contacts. I had at least one missed call from Ruby as well. I could have probably fumbled with my phone enough to answer that but I didn’t.

I was ashamed to tell Ruby I had fallen off the wagon again. After one day. And I was ashamed I butted heads with Mom. I was ashamed I attacked her. I scared her and I knew what she saw in me so I used it against her. That woman was only trying to protect her daughter from a monster coming back into her life and I would have done the same thing. She was right to want me to stay away. Things worked out better when I wasn’t involved.

I thought about Comet Tail and how he would be disappointed that the valium was not only already gone but that I was back to drinking. He wanted me to give myself over to our friendships but in all the talking we had done this weekend I didn’t even bring up with him the fact I was depressed or what my ulterior plans were for that party. I wanted to be a better friend, like he was: when someone called on him, he came...

For the third day in a row I cried out of self-pity.

I finished the bottle of Jameson by noon. Looking for something to distract myself from my sorrow and the absinthe waiting for me in the other room, I turned to Nathan’s video game console. The reason for leaving the console on was as obvious as the bright red app on the home screen: Netflix. Ponies.

It was easy enough to operate the analog sticks and buttons with the controller sitting in front of me. I started up the episode we left off on.

“Applebuck Season…” I read, unconvinced I was making the right decision.

“Cause tomorrow spring is here! ‘Cause tomorrow spring is here! ‘Cause tomorrow spring is here~!” I sang along with the ponies on the tv as loudly and as off-key as I dared. I don’t think I had ever heard this song before, but something about it made me feel good and excited. So much so that after I first heard it I immediately needed to hear it again. I fiddled with the game controller and went back to listen to it over and over again. I hadn’t even bothered to rewind like this when I saw my doppelganger pull Ruby inside the house to protect her from the ‘scary’ zebra.

Incidentally, Ruby, Minuette and I were singing in this episode. The whole town was singing. In perfect harmony, all together. Something about the song resonated with me. It made me feel like I did when I was with Minuette. I saw her smile on the faces of all the ponies in that episode.

I needed to apologize to her for not trying harder. I needed to thank her for being a source of warmth in the cold world that I made around me. And I needed to tell her that I finally watched ‘that little pony show’ and that I finally understood why everyone around me liked it. It was inviting me into a whimsical and silly world and I wanted to go. If only because of the promise of friends.

After watching the whole episode of Winter Wrap Up again from the beginning I finally let the next episode play.

I saw Pinchy was invited to a classmate’s ‘cuteciñera’ and apparently I was a chaperone. Instead of keeping an eye on the foals though, and catching Diamond Tiara bullying Apple Bloom, this was apparently the episode I drank straight out of the punch bowl.

“Welp, there it is…” I sighed and pointed it out to no one else but myself. “I see the resemblance now...”

I felt like scolding myself for what she did because I could have seen myself doing something similar if I was properly drunk already. I wonder if I was an embarrassment like that to my Ruby as well?

After dealing with the self-reflection that episode brought up, I felt the need to rewatch Winter Wrap Up again. Not to avoid thinking about my flaws, but to remind me of who was there for me. I heard my phone buzz a few times again during that trip through Winter Wrap Up. I was eager to be able to check my phone and hear from them again...

It was during the reprise of Winter Wrap Up when I heard a clunker pull up outside the trailer. I knew that could be only one person. After crying my eyes out and being indoctrinated into ponies I was eager for company again. I met Nathan at the door.

“Welcome home, Nathan!” I greeted him as he stepped in. I couldn’t prevent my tail from wagging a little bit.

“It’s good to be home,” Nathan greeted me with that funny smile of his. It was good to see another person, even if he now smelled a little worse than the night before now. He had a few bags with him and one of them contained the promised food. He even had a carrier for two chocolate shakes. I still wasn’t sure if I was hungry or just felt tired but I knew either way we needed to take care of the food first while it was warm.

We sat on the couch where I suspected he ate most of his meals. He offered to help me eat but I insisted I wanted to try to feed myself. Which started with me just holding the box of fries between my hooves and pouring them into my open muzzle.

I asked Nathan how his day went. He told me about some people at work who didn’t like him and about some customers who were impatient with him because he “wasn’t a mind-reader”.

I nodded along and offered my ear. I didn’t comment much because he clearly wanted to talk and I wasn’t totally sure who was at fault for most of the stuff he brought up.

While he talked with his mouth full I started picking up a new awful smell. At first I thought it was just him; maybe he ate something gross earlier or just had bad breath. However when I went to unwrap my own burger I found the same smell coming from it. I sniffed it and looked it over. What was going on here?

“Um, Nathan?” I interrupted him. I sniffed my burger again. It smelled… ‘off’. “What’s on this thing?”

“Nothing,” Nathan insisted. “It’s just a plain cheeseburger. I only like when they’re plain and I wasn’t sure what you liked.”

With Nathan’s assurance I took a bite. As I chewed I was almost sure there was something wrong with it. Lingering with the grease and seasoning was the taste of death. Almost like the meat rotted a bit before being cooked. I refused to swallow it so instead I spat it out. The taste made me gag and retch but I had nothing to vomit up.

“How can you eat that?” I asked Nathan before I poured some fries into my mouth to cover up the lingering taste. Nathan watched me confused for a bit, smelled his own burger and then, as if struck by epiphany, slapped his own forehead.

“Ponies don’t eat meat!” he scolded himself. “I’m sorry. I should have got you a salad or something. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

“No no, it’s fine! I wasn’t hungry. And… I didn’t know,” I admitted. I thought back to the fast food I had eaten in the past few days. My consistent disappointment with the ‘Crappy Meals’ started to make more sense.

“So, is that in the show? They’re vegetarian?” I asked. “I don’t think I got to that yet.”

“Yeah! In the song in Over a Barrel. Pinkie Pie says the ponies and buffalo are both vegetarians,” Nathan shared.

After biting my straw wrapper open and making sure my shake was palatable I shared my thoughts on the My Little Pony show so far. Nathan was more than eager to talk about ponies with someone.

He explained fan theories on zebras and told me about Trixie’s return and the layout of Equestria. He spoilered future episodes for me and told me about fanfics he had read. It was a bit of an information overload and I didn’t follow all of it but I told myself to try and be a better friend and take in what I could.

It wasn’t until I heard my phone buzz again did I finally find a good reason to stop him. When asked, he dug through the shopping bag. Among the shower puff, body wash and towel he retrieved the item I needed the most: a phone stylus. He tore the pony-proof packaging open for me and slipped the blunt end into my mouth.

I bee-lined it for my phone to finally see what was going on in the outside world. Ever since I had turned into a pony my world had shrunk considerably. A few tentative taps with the stylus in my mouth and my phone was unlocked. I took in my unread messages.

“Cheese, I missed a lot,” I muttered around my stylus. The group chat and just about everyone in it had messaged me. Especially Ruby.

“Is everything okay?” Nathan asked from the couch.

“I… don’t know,” I said, my ears faltering at my admission. The stylus bounced in my mouth like a familiar cigarette. “This might take a while to figure out…”

I first checked Ruby’s messages. They started last night:

Brianna: “I still need you too Brian. We shouldn’t have to choose between family members. I still think things can work out.”
“Please don’t drink too much.”

And continued into this morning:

Brianna: “I had the same dream again.”
“I know you don’t have a stylus. Find something conductive and voice-to-text when you can.”
“Mom has been trying to help me walk. I don’t like the constant push against my hooves when I’m standing. And I’m trying to practice walking like you did but turns out I have NO balance.”

I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. But that message did. I should have been there for her to see her take her first steps. I should have been Mom...

“So, I didn’t get the weed yet,” Nathan spoke up, snapping me out of my thoughts. “But my friend said he could just come by with it.” I had forgotten all about him mentioning weed this morning. I was far more concerned with the rest of that conversation.

“Oh. You didn’t have to do that. We don’t need to smoke. I barely do that anymore,” I explained. Of course, one of the reasons I stopped was because I wanted to have more money for my more important vice.

“But you like to. And I want to take care of you,” he said. He got up from the couch to come over to me.

I could feel what conversation was coming just like I could smell Nathan as he approached me. “So did you think about what I asked? This morning? Do you… can I be your boyfriend?”

“Nathan, I can’t. Our friendship isn’t like that,” I tried with him after putting my stylus down. He tried to hold my hoof and I took it from him.

“But it’s just like it. You’re living with me and we’re having sex. You’re a pony and my friend and amazing. Why can’t you just say yes?”

“Okay, first off, that was a one time thing,” I explained. “I didn’t do it for you. I did it for myself. I used you and I’m sorry,” I said, channeling my inner Twilight Sparkle.

“I don’t care that you used me. We can keep doing it anyway,” Nathan insisted. “And you can keep living here.”

“Well… thank you. But I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to be your boyfriend or whatever. I got off, a little, to what we did but I can’t date you. I’m not… you’re not my type,” I explained. “Is that going to be okay?”

He was quiet and upset but reluctantly agreed. Understandably disappointed he lost some of his benefits with my friendship. I placed a hoof on his hand and put on a smile.

“You’re still friends with someone who’s a pony, you know? And we can still watch ponies together,” I promised.

He gave a waving smile. Then looked away and asked, “Can we still cuddle?”

“Like… in bed? Just cuddling? ...non-sexually?” I asked. He nodded emphatically. I finally understood just how touch-starved the person before me was. My heart went out to him. It wasn’t that bad being the little spoon...

“We can,” I promised. He smiled happily. Then I caveated, “but you need to wash those sheets. And yourself.” I was going to suggest the whole trailer but then I would be getting hypocritical. I knew how easy it was to live in filth when none of it seemed to matter.

“It’s a deal!” He agreed. He grabbed my foreleg by the hoof and made us shake on it. “I’ll go wash them right now!”

He got up to do just that. Feeling a little better about myself and my situation I turned back to my messages:

Brianna: “I think I’m getting the hang of it. But it’s more annoying than I thought it would be. I think I’m going to try to learn magic instead.”
Brianna: “Sweet Celestial Carrot Top responded. This is important. Check the group chat.”

There were more messages from Ruby beyond that one but I obeyed. I bit down on my stylus and then tapped it on the group chat icon. There were pages of messages to go through. I started skimming as well as I could. A lot of discussion seemed to be thoughts on the show. I stopped when I saw pictures.

There was a blue unicorn with a white shock in her hair. She was standing on what was unmistakably hotel room carpet and was waving up at the person taking the photo, presumably Chad, and giving her biggest, happiest pony smile possible. As if infected by an electronic-borne virus I started smiling too. I didn’t think her smile could get better.

Shortly following her was the most precious pink unicorn smiling into her camera that seemed propped up on her desk. Her tablet stylus still held in her mouth. I felt so much love seeing her face… and so ashamed of myself.

Next there was the yellow unicorn stallion from my dreams standing awkwardly for a photo. His blue bangs were swept to one side of his horn. He looked like he was taking the photo out of obligation.

I scrolled past a few more messages and saw that new contact’s first message:

“Monica: She responded!“
“Monica: Welcome Carrot Top!”
“I’m so glad you found me I thought I was going crazy turns out I’m just a little hoarse”

And then with more scrolling I found that the phone call that I thought was from my filly was actually a group video call that I missed.

“Someone catch Barry up”
Conner: “I’ll fill him in.”

Wondering what that was all about I went to check Comet’s messages. I scrolled past the ones that had already been read to me by Ruby and found the first new one:

Conner: “Are you alright?”
“Carrot Top says we got a place we can all stay. It’s her grandparent's old farm in Creighton. Apparently they were Doomsday preppers.”

“A place-” I started rereading before a loud, rhythmic knock on the trailer door caused me to jump up. I hid crouched behind the coffee table and waited.

The knocking came again.

“Nathan! I know you’re fucking home. Put your dick away and answer the door!” came a male voice from beyond the door. This was followed by Nathan’s phone on the couch vibrating. I galloped off for the bedroom to find him and met him on the way there.

“Nathan! Why didn’t you tell me he was on his way??” I questioned him.

“Sorry. I thought I did,” Nathan apologized. There was another knock on the door. I turned my head to look back at the noise. Surprisingly, I could turn my head around enough to see completely down my back. I looked back to Nathan.

“Alright. Have fun!” I darted past him and went to go hide under his bed. As I introduced myself to the soda bottles and lost socks I heard Nathan answer the door and let in his dealer.

I heard Nathan mumble some kind of apology and a voice let himself in. My ears picked up a second new voice as well. Settled into my hiding spot I found nothing else to do than eavesdrop.

“What’s with the food? ‘You eating for two now?” came the first voice.

“N-no. I had a friend over.”

“Oh yeah? Where’s he? Is he smoking too?”

“Uh. No. He’s gone now.”

“...didn’t even finish his burger… can we sit down for a bit?”

A ‘bit’ dragged on to five minutes. That telltale smell hit my nostrils. It seems like they were going to smoke him out. Five minutes dragged onto twenty. The majority of the dead air in the conversation was filled with the sound of video clips and laughter. At first I thought Nathan was being polite. Then I thought he was just in no hurry to get them to leave.

Around the twenty minute mark of talks about video games and movies I started to wonder if Nathan had forgotten about me. After I started zoning out of the conversation and just heard their voices as noise I started to pick up just how little Nathan was contributing to it. I began to suspect Nathan was too polite or intimidated to ask them to leave.

“Hey, you got two phones?” the second ‘guest’ asked. Despite not being in the room, I figured out what he was talking about before the other two present: I had left my phone out on the coffee table.

“....what?” Nathan asked from within his high. “...oh. No, that’s... my friend’s phone. She, uh, forgot it.”

“She?” came the dealer. “Shit. Nate. ‘you get a girlfriend?”

“No. I meant he. He’s a he. It’s okay. She’s coming by tomorrow for it,” Nathan tried to backtrack his statement. Nathan, of course, was lost in a haze.

“Oh... it’s one of those trans things?” dismissed the dealer. “So this is all their shit? That makes more sense. I was wondering what the hell you were doing with body wash and a loofah.”

There was a loud cackle of laughter from the third person. The dealer joined him.

“You could learn something from your friend,” came the second-in-command. Nathan mumbled something inaudible as a reply.

“They probably aren’t doing much better! They left all of their shit here!” the dealer added. They both laughed again. Once the laughter died down again the dealer cleared his throat and resumed talking.

“So, seriously... you two fucking?” The dealer asked. “‘’Cause if you’re putting it in anything besides a cum jar... I’m happy for you, dude.”

If that was anything like a piss bottle I really didn’t want to know.

There was an awkwardly long pause while they seemed to wait for Nathan’s response. Which told me Nathan was either way higher than the other two or he was thinking up a lie.

“Um. Yeah! Actually she’s a pony,” Nathan boasted.

There was a long silence in the living room. During which I wanted to slap my forehead in frustration but held off because I figured the sound of my hoof hitting my skull would alert them. I assumed Nathan was trying to impress these people and not thinking clearly.

“Like your toys? So… like an imaginary friend?” the dealer struggled from his elevation to figure out what was going on.

“So are you just fucking lying then?” the guest accused. “You leave all this shit out to make us think you had a girlfriend?”

“No-no! She’s real! She’s… hiding. Because she’s shy,” Nathan claimed. I wished Nathan would stop talking. I tried scooting further under the bed to hide better. My rump hit wall.

“Alright. That’s fine,” the dealer said, clearly losing interest. “Your friend is ‘shy’.”

There was another short silence.

“So, uh, you guys hear about this bat flu thing?” the guest suggested.

Instead of the conversation continuing though I heard the couch squeak followed by footsteps. Coming towards the bedroom. I knew who was coming. As a last resort I covered my face with a leg. Maybe he won’t see me?

“Berry. Come and smoke with us,” offered Nathan’s voice before me.

“You don’t see me. I’m not here,” I pretended behind my hoof.

“Yes you are! Come on!” he asserted, pulling my hoof away from my face. I gave my half-baked friend a pleading look.

“Yo! Nathan! You got anything to eat besides cereal?” shouted the guest.

“Yeah!” Nathan shouted for him but at me.

My back legs dragged against the carpet as he pulled me out against my wishes. As I fought to keep my place I grunted and huffed in protest which sounded remarkably similar to neighing.

“The fuck are you doing in there?” came the guest. I heard him come down the hallway. Nathan let go of my foreleg now that it seemed the horse was already out of the barn. I gave up as well and decided to just stand up to have some dignity.

‘The guest’ walked in on us and I finally had a face to one of the voices. He was a baby-faced guy with shaggy blonde hair. I saw his half-baked eyes open slightly wider in surprise.

“Woah... Nathan, you got a purple horse?” he asked my friend.

“I’m… a pony actually,” I spoke up. It had the intended effect of draining the color from his flushed face.

As you can see, chapter publishing will be somewhat slower now. Instead of essentially "on the day it happens", I'm going to be aiming for about three chapters a week.