When You Wish Upon a Sue

by The Seer

First published 21st of August, 2012

Have you ever had one of those days when your wish upon a star backfires in a way that makes everyone you encounter fall in love with you? So has Spike.

After a particularly bad day, Spike wishes on a star that ponies would appreciate him, and against all odds, his wish comes true.
But instead of appreciation, Spike wakes up to find himself with a new set of scales, a complex new name and the ability to make every event end in his favour. In the midst of everpony fanatically loving him, Spike realises that the appreciation he is receiving is not the kind he wished for.

Edit 14/07/19 - I was a very different person and writer when I made this. Some parts are kind of fun but I'm not the biggest fan of what it's saying or how it's always saying it so I can't see it ever being continued in its current form. Maybe I'll rewrite it at some point but for now gonna say cancelled.

Cover Art designed for this fic by the fantastic Zemious. Check out his DA or I'll kill you.

Prologue

"Spiiiikkkeee!"

That was most definitely Twilight screaming, and Spike knew it for two reasons. First of all Spike could easily recognise the purple unicorn's voice considering he had lived with her since birth. Secondly, Spike knew Twilight was going to be mad considering he had made a mistake earlier, and it had been a bad one.

However, before divulging the information Spike would one day be giving when answering the question 'So why did Twilight castrate you with a shard of broken crockery', context was needed.

Princess Celestia didn't usually set Twilight assignments that weren't on the subject of friendship nowadays, but that didn't mean such an event was impossible. One of the dragon's scroll-belches cemented this fact while he and Twilight were eating last night. The dragon had initially been chided for his lack of table manners, but when Twilight saw it was a letter from the Princess; the unicorn had just chided him again.

Apparently, the fact that the scroll landed in the dinner Spike had thoroughly been looking forward to was his fault for not being more prepared. Considering he was letting Twilight and her teacher turn him into an ungodly hybrid of post-box and reptile; Spike expected that he be given some sympathy regarding the fact that he wasn't actually aware to when he was going to vomit forth Twilight's mail.

The purple dragon didn't get any dinner that night, what he did get was a mop, bucket, and a stern order from Twilight to clean up the mess 'he' had made. If you liked getting blamed for things that weren't your fault, being shouted at and you weren't hungry, then that was probably better than having dinner.

Unfortunately, Spike didn't like those things, he was hungry and so it wasn't better than eating at all. What it was, was completely unfair, a brutal miscarriage of justice, and something Spike probably wouldn't be able to take Twilight to court for. So when the little dragon had finally cleaned up someone else's mess he had joined Twilight, and she had been dancing.

Her limbs had been flailing in a way not unlike a daddy-long-legs on ecstasy. When he had asked what had got her so worked up; it turned out that the princess had asked her to prepare a thesis on celestial bodies. Excitement was the reason for her spasms, and not demonic possession as Spike had initially thought. He had still insisted this was just as feasible though; because at the end of the day she was essentially partying over getting homework.

So the next day Twilight had gone out to buy some parchment, quills and ink, whereas Spike had been left in charge of the library. He was eager to get back on Twilight's good side so when she had given him the job of gathering all the books she would need for her assignment; her reptilian assistant had jumped at the opportunity.

One by one he pulled each tome from its place on the maze of shelves. It hadn't taken him long at all, and soon he had only one more to get. He snatched the book from the shelf and went to pile it with the others on Twilight's cluttered desk. Now one thing he had forgotten to take into account was this one simple rule of thumb, libraries accumulate dust. That fact was a complete staple of the whole industry of the printed word.

Spike wasn't sure why gathering large quantities of ex-trees and ink caused the insufferable build-up of pollen, hair fibres and dead pony skin cells, but it did. So when he popped the volume onto the now-teetering pile of textbook-goodness he had assembled; it was hardly surprising that a small plume of grey powder was sent forth.

What was surprising though was how all of it managed to get up Spike's nose. How unfortunate it was that he had been situated directly next to a large pile of dry, old paper. Suffice to say that it's not only in the films that paper is liable to set on fire. Oh no that stuff really does burn, and it burns very, very quickly. Spike sneezed in a burst of green flame that encapsulated the books and turned them into a literary blaze.

Owloysius was driven into a panic; while the inferno raged he began hooting, and flying up and down like a madman's yoyo. By the time Spike had managed to run into the kitchen and fill a basin with water it was too late. The books were nothing but a smouldering pile of ash, and throwing the clear liquid over them only served to coat Twilight's now charred workplace with a clump of black, foul-smelling sludge.

Spike immediately began opening all of the windows to banish the pungent odour of smoke. However they were in a library, a fact that was causing Spike endless turmoil today, and the fragrance clung to every book in the old oak. The effect was that now Twilight's home smelt not unlike that one teenage stallion in Ponyville; the one who seemed to always have bloodshot eyes and often snickered at things that weren't very funny.

So that was the second reason that assured him it was indeed Twilight shrieking his name. In retrospect hiding under the unicorn's bed was a poor choice. He always hid there when he had done something wrong, and he always made it worse for himself when his spines poked through the underside of Twilight's mattress.

"It's okay Spike, she can't hurt you. She'd go to prison, and everyone knows what happens to smart ponies there." His pep-talk slightly alleviated the worry, but this didn't last long. Hearing the sound of Twilight thundering up the staircase was quite reminiscent of the sound of the buffalo herd in Appaloosa; only it was ten-times as heart-attack inducing. The door opened and then slammed shut. Spike heard his guardian take a breath as if to say something, but then stopped.

"Spike if you come out and tell me the truth I promise I won't be mad," she sighed. The baby dragon took a deep breath; Twilight's offer seemed fair enough to coax him out from under his fortress of bedding. After doing so Spike immediately cursed himself for not remembering what a good liar Twilight was. Her breathing was ragged, and one of her eyelids was twitching madly. If one didn't know any better they may have thought she had just escaped from Broadmare.

"Remember what you promised," Spike said shakily.

"You almost burned the house down Spike!" he winced.

"Yeah, but it was an accident," he pointed out in a flimsy effort to ease Twilight's verbal assault.

"Oh that's good because I was busy thinking my assistant was a pyromaniac!"

"What's a pyromaniac?" Twilight let out an exasperated groan.

"It's somepony who repeatedly sets things on fire…do you even read any of the books I give you?"

"Why did you give me a book on pyromaniacs?" the unicorn considered this for a second.

"That's not important right now, what is important is that you did something very bad Spike, it could've been a catastrophe if Owloysius didn't put it out!" Spike suddenly felt a small twinge of indignation.

"Firstly I put that out, and secondly I only did that to try and save your books. It's not like the fire could have spread," Twilight looked at her assistant like he had two heads; prompting him to explain further.

"Dragon fire is magic, so it only burns what the dragon breathes, or in my case sneezes, on." Too late did Spike realise correcting Twilight Sparkle at a moment like this was basically signing his own death warrant. He backed away as the angered academic started trotting toward him menacingly.

"Well I suppose that makes this perfectly okay then does it?!"

"I didn't mean it like that-" he was cut off.

"I suppose you're not at fault here, are you?" at this point she seemed beyond reason.

"No, that's not what I'm saying, but it was just an accident, and it's not like it hasn't happened before. I've asked you so many times if we can dust the library, but you always say 'there's no time' or 'we don't need to'."

"Oh, so you're saying it's my fault?" Spike massaged his temples trying to put aside his frustration.

"You're not listening to what I'm saying! I'm just saying that this could have been avoided. I know I should be more careful but you never listen to me when I say we should dust the library. You never listen to me Twilight, and you're not listening to me now!"

"Oh no I hear you loud and clear; you think it's totally my fault that you set fire to my books that I need for Princess Celestia's assignment," before the vexed dragon could formulate a reply Twilight had scooped him up in a magical grasp.

"So if it's not your fault Spike, I wouldn't dream of making you clean up this mess," she hastily trotted downstairs and dropped him outside the front door. She promptly slammed it and ignored his final plea,

"That wasn't what I was saying!"

Spike dusted off his scales and tried to wrap his head around what had just happened. Well at least Twilight didn't completely twist his well-made argument into him having a go at her and get angrier than she did originally…oh, wait. That was quite literally, exactly what just happened. Spike trudged into Ponyville, while drawing many unnerved glances due to his irate grumbling. He knew that leaving Twilight alone for the day was best; the downside to this plan was that he was left in Ponyville with no bits, and nothing to do.

He made his way into the town square; his reptilian eyes scanning the various groups of ponies for familiar faces. He found them in Snips and Snails, both perched on a rooftop looking down onto a creaking wooden ramp.

"What are you two doing?" Spike shouted up, prompting the two to look at him and smile in greeting.

"Hey Spike, we're gonna jump off the roof on this skateboard onto that ramp," Snips replied as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

"Umm... why?" Snails laughed condescendingly at the dragon's question.

"Because it's mid-October," the manner in which he spoke implied that should have been obvious. Needless to say, it wasn't,

"Why does that mean you have to leap of a roof?" Snips sighed becoming frustrated at Spike's queries.

"Did you even look at the sky when you got up this morning?!" Spike gawked at the two for a moment and they reciprocated. It stayed like this until Spike decided that was as good an answer as he was going to get.

"You do know it's not going to work right?" they both scowled.

"And why do you say that?"

"Because you've put the ramp too far away from the roof, plus the ramp is too flat. So even if you manage to get to the ramp you'll just hit it painfully." They both considered what he had said for a moment, until Snails whispered something in Snip's ear. They both giggled and shouted back,

"Spike, you're only a baby dragon, so why don't you leave this to the grown-ups?" Spike crossed his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow.

"You know, dragons live for thousands of years, so my 'baby-stage' lasts longer than yours. Twilight hatched me when she was eight, meaning that I'm 14 now which is twice your age." Spike shot them a smug look as they tried to process what he said. The purple dragon could almost visualise tiny hamsters in wheels, running frantically in their heads.

"Huh, saying something really smart and complicated, that's just like a baby!" Snails retorted, Spike simply shook his head and began to walk off. However he tapped a pony on the side before leaving the square.

"Hi, I just wanted to say I think those two colts on the roof are about to hurt themselves." Sure enough there was a rolling sound, followed by a painful sounding thump and two squeals. A multitude of ponies ran over, including the one Spike had just informed, but not before snapping,

"Why didn't you try to warn them instead of me?" The scaly librarian didn't get a chance to protest as the pony galloped over to join the concerned crowd. A few of them must have heard, since Spike received a couple of undeserved dirty glances.

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The purple dragon sat on a wall, his head in his hands. Two injustices he had suffered today, two too many.

"Penny for your thoughts darling," a voice that simply emanated style rang out. Spike looked up to see a white unicorn staring at him. Normally he would leapt with excitement whenever seeing his crush, but today he really didn't feel up to it.

"Hi Rarity," he huffed gloomily

"What's got my Spikey-Wikey feeling so blue today?"

"I accidentally set a few of Twilight's books on fire and now she's mad at me," Rarity blinked a couple of times.

"You set her books on…fire?"

"They were dusty, and they made me sneeze. You know what happens when I sneeze."

"Was it… by accident?" she enquired nervously.

"What…yes of course, it's not like I'm a pyromaniac!" he allowed an internal smug grin, take that Twilight.
"Well, in that case I'm sure she'll come around, but you know Twilight dearie. It's probably best just to let her simmer off for the day."

"I know, but she never listens to me Rarity, I've asked her if we can dust the library so many times and she always says no," Rarity listened to the baby dragon's problems; however she knew there was nothing to do to solve them.

"Well how about you come and help me at the boutique, I was just heading back?"

"Um…I don't know Rarity, I'll probably just mess things up."

"Oh pish-posh darling, my boutique isn't dusty, plus I could use a handsome young dragon's assistance." Spike allowed a small smile, and leapt from the wall to join the white unicorn. He never could resist her, and at least he could be useful to somepony.

"OK dearie, just hold that position now, there you go!" Rarity gave Spike an affectionate pat on the head with one of her immaculately kept hooves. Well at least she went to, however the unicorn realised that doing so would upset the delicate balancing act that Spike was having so much trouble sustaining. It had started off with him holding the odd spool and textile, his claws were useful for cutting threads here and there, but it was definitely a more than manageable job.

However Rarity, being caught up in having a helper more enthusiastic that Opalescence, had gotten rather excited and had begun to pile the little dragon with more and more implements of fashion. And so, omitting a pat on the head she gave her newfound helper a smile, which was just as good. It wasn't really just as good, of course physical contact would have been better, when it boils down to it everyone knows that a pat on the head is better than a simple smile. But still, '…which was just as good' is just something ponies say, or in Spike's case thought, without almost ever meaning it. Still it was nice to be of use, even if it meant freezing like a wax statue.

A ribbon was untangled from Spike's coil of limbs with an aura of blue magic around it. The action tickled his stomach, and if it weren't for his thick scales he probably would have dropped his various payloads by now.

"So what're you making Rarity?" there was no reply, until from a deep concentration the unicorn shook herself slightly.

"I'm sorry did you say something dear?"

"I was just wondering what you're making,"

"Oh how nice of you to ask, well do you know Spitfire?"

"From the Wonderbolts, or course!"

"Well Spitfire's friend is a mare called Octavia who plays at Garden Parties and Spitfire has asked me to make her an extravagant dress for the Wedding,"

"Spitfire and Octavia are getting married?!" Rarity blinked a couple of times,

"No, they're both bridesmaids,"

"Oh," Spike replied, trying and failing to hide his disappointment at the gown's banal purpose.

"Sometimes we get to make dresses for five star events dearie, sometimes we just make them for your average pony," Rarity chuckled. She stuck out her tongue in concentration, an act which against all odds she managed to make look elegant, and with a surge of blue magic and a flurry of needles the dress seemed to be completed.

"There we are, quite lovely if I do say so myself, Spikey darling, you can drop that equipment now." Spike let out a throaty sight of relief and delicately placed the apparatus upon the ground.

"Now dear, could you be a peach and take these down to the washing room." Rarity didn't need to wait for Spike to answer in the affirmative. With a flash of her horn a couple of dresses levitated into the dragon's claws. He turned to leave the room, but there was another flaring sound and more intricate looking attire found its way into the growing pile. Spike began to feel the pressure build up on his claws, his strong, sharp claws.

"Rarity I don't think-" his would-be intervention fell on deaf ears, Rarity had already began drawing out a new design.

"Rarity…my claws, they're going to be ripped!" he tried to shout, but the skyscraper of fabric muffled him.

"That's nice dearie," the unicorn replied absentmindedly.

"Rarity they're going to tear!"

"Just a few more Spike," if Rarity was even listening to him, she apparently didn't care about her helper's persistent warnings.

"RARITY NO MORE!" Spike gave a last shout, and finally it seemed to break her concentration. However, to the dragon's growing misfortune breaking Rarity's concentration also seemed to interrupt her flow of magic, and there had been one last gown hovering above him. The garment fell and landed on top of his bundle, and doing so had brought the fabric onto Spike's claws with enough force to tear through them. He immediately tried to stop it but the damage had been done. Of the fifteen dresses he had been carrying, eight now lay on the floor in shreds; unfortunately one of the ruined gown's looked like it was for a bride…of particularly expensive tastes.

"I'm sorry Rarity," he felt saying such a thing was quite a pointless effort at this point. The alabaster unicorn's eyelid twitched in a way not at all unlike Twilight's earlier today. She took stock of the destroyed, well, stock.

"Spike," she sighed roughly, obviously in a war to keep her temper in check, "If you couldn't carry anymore dresses why didn't you say?" If Spike's jaw hit the floor earlier, it broke through it now.

"Rarity, I did warn you, about five times, but you were drawing and you….you wouldn't listen to me," he felt nervous to say the least, today it seemed ponies enjoyed blaming Spike for things that weren't entirely his fault. Rarity had a hoof to her head; she muttered something venomous sounding and took a moment to compose herself. Once she had done so, she looked up again with the most forced smile Spike had ever witnessed.

"OK dearie, I need to sort this, you can go home now." Spike wanted to protest, but the white pony put a hoof to his back and more or less bundled him to the door. This was eerily reminiscent of Twilight kicking him out only few hours ago.

"Rarity I want to help-"

"NO! I mean, that's alright darling…you've done enough." She gave him a quick farewell and the door was promptly slammed in his face, Spike hadn't even realised he was outside.

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Celestia's sun was hanging low in the auburn sky, shadows were elongated and ponies were heading home for the evening. Spike took the scenic route, scenic in this case simply meaning longer. Word of the book-burning, colt-hurting, dress-destroyer seemed to have spread.

Hushed whispered followed the dragon down Ponyville's darkening streets, and at the marketplace, where ponies were packing up their portable stalls, he drew a number of sour glances. Applejack was nudging her apple stall down the old dirt road to Sweet Apple Acres, and even she seemed to have the time to stop and shake her head at Spike. His fists were clenched; he bit on his forked tongue a number of times. Retaliating would only make things worse, and yet his patience was wearing thinner and thinner.

Finally, after a high amount of lamenting the route he took, the library was in sight. Despite the fact that it housed a socially/sexually repressed, anger prone bookworm, who happened to be both furious at Spike and currently the most powerful living unicorn, he still let out a shaky sigh of relief. It was at that time that the two ponies Spike would want to avoid like an airborne form of the bubonic plague that had a 140% mortality rate and zombified your remains appeared. The two fillies were snickering at nothing in particular; Spike remained perfectly still, hoping they would pass him by. By the time he realised that their vision was not based on movement like the Tyrannosaurus Rex from Jurassic Park, the more dominant of the duo spied his stationary form. With the grin of a thousand Satans she started towards him; her grey friend carried on her conversation, apparently unaware Diamond Tiara had found someone new to torture. Silver Spoon noticed and trotted briskly to join her friend/master. The pink filly, in a tone perfected by several years practise of passive-aggressive verbal torture of others, obnoxiously said,

"Oh my Celestia Silver Spoon, we better watch out, we don't want the psycho dragon to hurt us."

"Oh come on!" Spike threw his claws up in the air, "You're young foals, why are you even out here at this time?!"

"Wait, he might shred our clothes!" They let out a chorus of harpy-like laughter.

"That was only twenty minutes ago, how did you find out?!"

"Ooooh, you gonna set us on fire like you did with half of Twilight's library?" Silver Spoon chuckled at this comment, it was a forced gesture and clearly only to earn her friend's approval. She then agreed with Diamond Tiara; whereas most ponies would simply chime in with 'yeah' Silver Spoon elongated the whole process by inserting several thousand 'Like, totally's.

"By whole library you mean nine books?" Spike deadpanned.

"Whatever dragon-boy, maybe you should burn more of Twilight's books, at least then she'd get some sun." Spike felt the red mist descend, she may had screamed at him today, but nopony makes fun of Twilight except him.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"She's such a loser, always reading, I've had more coltfriends than her!" Silver Spoon giggled, immediately after finishing her sentence she looked to Diamond Tiara, who seemed to approve of her words.

"So you've had more coltfriends than a fully grown mare? Are you sure that's making Twilight look bad and not you?" His comment fell on deaf ears, the first rule of their little bully-routine was to immediately disregard anything their target said, and Spike was no exception.

"Whatever, I bet she's a filly-fooler anyway," Spike considered this for a moment, he had found some pretty dubious looking magazines under Twilight's bed once, but that was irrelevant…sort of.

"And so what if she was? She's only saved Equestria twice, why don't you just show some gratitude?" Their spat had gathered a small crowd. In this time before bed, but after the day's activities ponies often got pretty bored, and such a scene was liable to turn a few heads. One pony who decided to investigate happened to be the current subject of the quarrel. Ponyville's resident librarian trotted into the small throng of ponies to find the source of the minor commotion. Spike's aggressors saw her first, and with grins that could curdle milk they rushed over to her.

"Twilight, Spike has been saying he's gonna burn the rest of your library!" trilled Diamond Tiara,

"Yeah, he said you should get some sun, he even called you a filly-fooler." Twilight looked up at her number one assistant with her eyes full of…Spike had been expecting anger, but it was much worse. Spike was on the receiving end of Twilight's 'I'm very disappointed in you' look.

"So you burn my books and then go around using hurtful and intolerant terms?" Spike gave her a flat look,

"Does that really sound like something I would do? They were the ones that called you a fill…well they said that and said you need to get some sun, I've was sticking up for you!" Everyone's eyes were trained on him; the dragon met their glares, and tried to appeal to the ponies who had witnessed the argument.

"Seriously, you're not gonna say anything, you're just gonna let this happen?" there was no reply. "Twilight, you've known me for fourteen years and you know that these two lie and pick on ponies, remember what they did to Applebloom?"

"Well Spike, from what I've heard today you put Snips and Snails in danger and damaged some of Rarity's work, is this true?"

"Well I tried to warn Snips and Snails and they wouldn't listen, when I told an older pony they already had leapt a roof on a homemade skateboard." She didn't seemed swayed, he gaze was still fortified with disappointment. "And with Rarity she was piling my claws with all these gowns, I tried to tell her and she wouldn't listen. I'm sorry her work got damaged and I'm sorry Snips and Snails got horn fractures, but nopony would listen to me Twilight, just like-" he immediately clamped his jaws shut upon realising what he had said, but the damage had been done.

"Just like who Spike, just like me?" there was no point in lying now,

"Well…yeah," for a moment her eyes softened, well moment was a bit of an exaggeration, it was more like a second… probably less. Her gaze softened for a millisecond, and that could very well have been, and probably was his imagination, but while it lasted it was nice.

"Spike, you've upset a lot of ponies today, you've really done wrong, what do you have to say for yourself?" Spike was about to apologise, he was about to admit what an evil creature he had been and throw himself before Twilight to lick the dirt from her hooves. However, something suddenly clicked,

"Why should I have to say something? Nopony listened to me today Twilight, not you, not Rarity and none of these," he gestured now growing crowd. "And after all of this, you believe Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon over me, the fillies who had been bad-mouthing you two minutes ago. Everyone blamed me today and no one gave my side of the story a single thought, so why don't you apologise Twilight?" There was a murmur of shock, along with a few disapproving tuts. Twilight took a deep breath, and replied,

"The only one in the wrong is you Spike," the dragon looked at her in disbelief, he looked at the two smirking fillies in disbelief, he looked at the whole crowd in disbelief. For the first time ever, it was Spike who gave the purple unicorn a look that said 'Twilight, I'm not angry, just disappointed'. With a shake of his head Spike moved through the crowd and toward the road to Canterlot.

"Spike where are you going?" Twilight spoke as if she was talking to a petulant child who had been denied some sweeties.

"Away from here!" her assistant yelled over his shoulder, the crowd slowly dispersed and Twilight trotted back to her home, confident that Spike's anger would simply peter out, and he would return home to apologise. Spike on the other hoof, or rather claw, had different ideas.

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The purple dragon was sat in a field, definitely not sulking, not sulking at all. OK he was sulking a little bit, only a tiny bit though. Ok so he was sulking completely. He had his head in his hands and was making a point of facing sharply away from Ponyville. His sulking was completely justified though, all day nopony had listened, nopony had appreciated he had tried to help Rarity, and Snips and Snails. Everypony just blamed him. It seemed the only time Twilight said thanks anymore was when he went to a stupid amount of effort. Like last hearts and hooves day when she didn't have a special somepony. Twilight had said she didn't care, but Spike could tell she did. It was the way that she sighed quietly and how she made too much effort to establish correct eye contact, Spike could read the books she loved so much.

So since it bothered her, and it so obviously had, Spike had stayed up all night. Using his unrivalled dexterity he forged around fifty different cards, an endeavour which was prolonged by having to imitate a pony's messy hoof-writing. He didn't have any bits so he picked what must have been an Everfre- rivalling bulk of flowers and constructed enough gifts to make even Nightmare Moon smile. Finally he had made her breakfast in bed, consisting of heart-shaped waffles, heart-shaped pancakes and heart-shaped cereal in a heart-shaped bowl with heart-shaped milk, something which against all odds seemed to exist.

Twilight had seen straight through the fact that everything was from him, and yet she had pretended to be surprised. Spike, considering he could read her like a book, knew Twilight was only playing along but he had appreciated it. They had eaten out at a restaurant and spent the evening in front of a couple of Morgan Freemare films. Of course everything was simply platonic but he had really tried, and she had been grateful, but that seemed to be the last time in recent memory she had even said thank-you for anything.

Spike got as comfortable he could on the grass, spending a night in a field wasn't the most elegant of ideas but there was a chance it would make Twilight see how much she needed him. The dragon wrapped his tail around himself for warmth, and looked up at Luna's night. There were twinkling stars in the sky, how Spike wondered what they were, up above the world so high, like rough-cut pieces of polished quartz in the sky. He settled on a particularly bright one, and stared for a moment, and then, despite the act being ridiculous, he made a wish.

"Please, just let ponies appreciate me, let them see that I am really a good dragon, and make it that I don't have to stay up all night making lovey-dovey cards for them to realise it." His eyelids fluttered and closed, eventually he drifted off into an uneasy sleep. Not even a bright technicolour flash from the sky awoke him.

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"Oh ah'm sure he'll be just fine Twi'," Applejack tried to reassure the nervy unicorn, but it was to no avail, she paced up and down the library's ground floor frantically. She only ever interrupted this flow to peek out of the window in hopes of seeing Spike.

"He's out there Applejack, all by himself; he's been out for three hours! What if he gets kidnapped by a Diamond-Dog, or Nightmare Moon, or a…a DRAGON!?" Rarity sighed,

"Twilight, Diamond-Dogs live underground, we got rid of Nightmare Moon, and Spike's a dragon himself,"

"Oh…right," the librarian chuckled nervously, and promptly resumed her bookshop marathon. After Pinkie Pie had walked past the library and saw Twilight losing her mind through the window, she had called the rest of their friends to come and help. However their presence seemed to be doing nothing in the way of alleviating the unicorn's burden, and their verbal soothing attempts harmlessly bounced off her self-constructed shell of worry.

"Twilight, Spike's a tough little guy, remember when he stuck up to those dumb dragons in the migration? He'll be fine," Rainbow Dash reassured, Twilight seemed not to listen, or at least not to hear. She stared out of the window for a slightly longer period than she had been doing previously.

"We argued girls, he said that no-one was listening to him, and that no-one appreciated him. I didn't care at first, but I think he might be right."

"I have to say, I was so mad at the time, but thinking back I do think Spikey did try to warn me with the whole dress fiasco,"

"Exactly, what if I've been mistreating Spike, what if…what if he hates me?"

"Ah, don't be a silly filly now sugarcube, you treat Spike great, Ah'm sure he'll be back soon and the two of you can both apologise as much as you want," the librarian smiled at her farmer friend,

"Thanks AJ, I just hope…" Twilight never finished her sentence; through the window all of the library's occupants could clearly see a large multi-coloured burst in the sky. They stared for a few seconds, and suddenly everything just seemed…fuzzy. The purple unicorn turned and saw her friends,

"Oh…hi girls, when did you come around?" the other five ponies seemed to be just as confused.

"Hey…Twilight when did we get here?"

"I sure don't know, does anyone else suddenly feel tired, like really, really tired?" Pinkie Pie queried, there was a sequence of groggy nods from everypony.

"Well I think you guys should probably head on home, thanks for the visit," Twilight was swaying now; it was a visible struggle to remain on all four hooves. One by one her friends filed out of the door giving bemused goodbyes; when they walked out onto the streets they looked around, seemingly confused by their surroundings. In fact the other ponies out were doing the exact same thing. She closed the door and immediately forgot what was happening outside, the only thing on Twilight's mind was how completely tired she was. It was like somepony had just sucked all of the energy out of her. So great was her exhaustion that the stairs were too daunting an obstacle to conquer. She chose to unceremoniously flop down on the settee and, almost instantly, her lead-weight eyelids snapped shut. Twilight slipped into a dreamless slumber with no care for the new dawn coming, and the changes it would bring.

Feelin' a Bit Franz Kafka

Make a Wish Upon a Sue - Chapter 2 - Feelin' a Bit Franz Kafka

Spike felt groggy to say the very least. He was used to a nice basket, a nice warm basket with a pillow in there, and not forgetting his lovely thin blanket. That was a good point when he thought about it. Twilight slept in a nice double bed and he got a basket. Like an actual wicker basket, not a sleeping basket. Do they even make sleeping baskets? Twilight had a lot of explaining to do after SHE apologised. The young dragon hadn't changed his standing on that point, all though it was more of a lying at the present moment. He tried to sit up and was met with a sharp pain in his…well in his everywhere. It felt like his entire body had been roughly forced through a printing press. With much effort he pulled himself up of the sodden ground.

A thought occurred to him, the grass around him was wet, so why wasn't he? The answer came from above, in the form of a tree. The leaves the branch above him perfectly resembled his own sleeping form, and had thus sheltered him in the night. 'Weird' Spike thought to himself, he didn't even remember falling asleep next to a tree. Taking another look at the leaves, the dragon realised something. He also did not remember looking about 7 foot high and being built like a Minotaur.

Spike took a look down at his body, and gasped, he couldn't see his legs for his bulging, rippling sheet of rock hard torso muscle. He tentatively poked them with a finger and recoiled; he didn't remember being made of cast iron. There was a niggling thought in the back of his head, some sort of doubt that he couldn't place his claw on. After a few more minutes of gawking at his new chest though, it became clear. He used to have purple scales, and his softer underbelly and spines were pale and dark green respectively.

This, however, was the case no longer. His underbelly was a golden yellow, and the now regal looking spines on his arms were the same colour. However they looked like they had been literally forged from gold. They shimmered brilliantly in the sun, the light danced playfully off the surface. His baby spines were floppy, and easy to manipulate, but a fully grown dragon's were used for battle. His now looked as if they could fulfil the same purpose. They were razor sharp, and hard as stone.

His scales had also received a mysterious new paint-job. No longer were they a calming lavender, but a striking bleach white. They reflected the morning light differently between each individual mosaic of armour. It was like each scale had been covered in varnish, as he moved he glittered. Spike now had a similar effect to a disco ball, but an intimidating disco ball if such a thing existed. And the colour was just…amazing. The most pure white he had ever seen before now was Rarity's coat. She practically illuminated a room just by being present. But Spike, he was making the entire field dance with light. He could justifiably say that compared to his new set of scales, Rarity's coat looked like a sewage covered corpse. THAT, was just how beautiful his new skin was.

"Woah," he said, and took an immediate double take. Spike was a baby after all, as a child his voice was that of a, you guessed it, child. High-pitched and ever so slightly scratchy was the order of the day. Not unlike an angle-grinder as Twilight had once joked. Spike hadn't found the joke to be so funny, but as he recalled he was too busy fetching books and cleaning quills to put up any sort of fuss.

But he now spoke in a voice which simply could not be his own. Have you ever had liquid silk poured into your ears? Liquid silk that had been blessed by Celestia and bathed in by Luna? Liquid silk that shimmered and rippled in a glorious cascade of never ending colour? An infinite, polychromatic surge of acoustic perfection? Of course you haven't, that's ridiculous, that's never happened to anypony ever because that's impossible. Spike wondered why such a stupid thought had even gone through his head.

But back to the original point, Spike's new voice was the closest he had ever come to experiencing the nonsense he had just conjured. It was like a God was cradling you and personally destroying all of your fears, whilst simultaneously cementing and granting your innermost desires. Orgasmic seemed like a good word to describe it, Spike had no idea what that word meant but Rarity had once used it to describe a weird gift Twilight had given her. The way she had said the word assured Spike that it meant something good.

"Orgasmic," Spike said again in that immaculate tone, and had to supress a shudder. The fact remained however, that he had changed overnight into something…well put it like this, it was either really good, or really bad. The young dragon wasn't quite ready to deal with this emotionally yet, although when he did, Spike expected outrage, sadness, misguided joy and vanity in equal servings.

So rather than deal with the personal crisis of waking up as a different drgaon, he devised a plan of action, he needed to get to something reflective and see the extent of his sudden metamorphosis. Well it wasn't really a plan, more a checklist. Another thing that he needed to change when he got back were all the checklists. He had once, with no exaggeration, had to make of checklist of things Twilight needed to make a checklist of steps needed to prepare a checklist of the different checklists she needed for national Equestrian checklist appreciation day. He could haves worn she made up that holiday anyway, checklists don't really seem like the things that ponies get excited over. Psychotic, cannibalistic, nocturnal alicorns sure, have a whole night about them, but checklists?

This was good, reminiscing about possibly fabricated bank holidays distracted him from the sly voice in his head whispering…'You've probably gone completely mental Spike'. He needed a clear puddle, or a lake, or a mirror. The sound of a carriage shattered his thought track. Spike turned to see a wooden cart trundling steadily down the road adjacent to his field. It was being pulled by an earth pony, and they had a companion riding on the top. The two were both similarly-aged, brown-coated, brown-maned earth ponies. The most average of the average, Spike presumed they were a couple, simply because they were arguing. They argued all the way down the road. It wasn't the arguing of people with different views. It wasn't an argument of passion or of honour, it was simply the constant bickering of two ponies who have been together so long that they have nothing left to talk about.

"Harold, remember when you called my mother a mule? I think that is what gave her the first heart attack," The pony riding on the top of the carriage spoke, and thus revealed herself to be a mare. The stallion pulling the contraption, whom Spike presumed to be Harold, immediately bit back.

"Well Shirley I'd like to find the pony responsible for her last heart attack; he had the decency to put her in that box. Which, may I remind you, cost me two thousand bits!" Shirley snorted upon hearing this, and retorted.

"Cost US, two thousand bits Harold. You're not the only one who works our mirror selling carriage you know?"

"Of course not, I'm just the only one who pulls it and makes any kind of sale," He replied sarcastically. Spike had gone from a casual eavesdropping to a state of determination. They definitely mentioned 'Mirror selling'. That did seem too good to be true, but, considering his present circumstances, the jury was out on what was true right now. Propelling himself across the field at Rainbow Dash rivalling speeds he reached the road and drew two very confused looking stares.

"Excuse me," the dragon panted, "I heard you sell mirrors, and I really need to use one. Could I just have a quick look at my reflection?" the two earth ponies shared a shocked glance. "It's just because I think overnight I've changed slightl-" the shrill voice of Shirley cut him off.

"You don't need to tell us anything dearie, I mean why wouldn't you want to look in a mirror?!"

"Erm, excuse me?" Spike asked, not quite understanding what the mare meant.

"Look at you! You're a perfect specimen my boy, what type of mirror do you want?!" To Spike's even greater shock, this voice came from the stallion, who had already started digging around in the back of the carriage.

"Well," Spike began, slightly bashfully now, "I only need to have a look in one mirror, any will do," The couple blinked stupidly, as if his simple request was too much to comprehend.

"Oh I get it, he needs all of the mirrors!" Shirley yelled excitedly,

"Yes honey, that makes more sense than what I thought, I thought for a moment that he didn't want all of our stock!" The couple laughed frantically, in a way that suggested his request had been somehow absurd.

"No, that is what I meant, I don't want to take all of your mirrors. It's not like I'm mugging you, I just want to look in a mirror, just for a second…if that's OK?" Again they gave him that look. It was not at all unlike the one Snips and Snails had given the dragon yesterday.

"Well…erm," Shirley was rubbing the back of her head with a hoof, and Harold was scratching his chin thoughtfully. Both of them continued until finally the stallion seemed to think of something .

"Aha! Such humbleness…if anything, he deserves all of our stock now, doesn't he dear?" his wife considered his point, and then nodded her head enthusiastically. They both wore smiles that looked purely unnatural. Their mouths were stretched to ridiculous proportions, and all of their teeth were showing. They looked almost like Pinkie Pie whenever something that could be mildly described as 'alright….sort of' happened to her. Spike shuffled uncomfortably as the stallion unloaded all of his stock onto the road. His wife cheered him on and all the while they had those obscene, toothy grins plastered on their faces.

"Erm…I don't have anything to pay you with, just the scales on my back," he laughed uncomfortably, but to his shock they both snapped their heads to meet his eyes immediately.

"Could you…I mean if it's okay with you…maybe give us, a scale?" They looked at him like children asking their parents for sweets at the supermarket. If he wasn't before, and he was, Spike was suddenly very creeped out.

"Ok?" he agreed, without even looking he yanked a scale of his arm. It caused him no pain, and yet the couple on the carriage winced as if he might break like what they were peddling was wont to do. Spike handed it to the stallion; who, with all the care of Twilight when she devised the perfect ways to make Spike's chores just impossible enough, put it in his saddlebag. Harold and his wife giggled like toddlers and thanked Spike, before taking off down the road and animatedly talking about how much fun they were going to have with their new scale.

Spike was having severe trouble wrapping his head around what had just happened. He had woken in an entirely new body, and for some reason two ponies just gave him what looked like upwards of twenty mirrors, in exchange for merely one of his scales. He replayed the conversation in his head, and as he had thought at no point had he asked to actually keep even a single mirror.

The drake was almost angry at his extreme good fortune, was this some stupid hidden camera show? Was a stallion in a stupid trucker cap going to emerge and declare Spike had been 'Ponk'd'? Would the couple come back in a few seconds and say 'Haha! How stupid of you, how can you be this thick you empty headed moron. Did you really believe we would give you all of our stock?!' Would they then retrieve the mirrors and then proceed to violently rob and kill Spike? And nopony would care because they would all think Spike had been so stupid to fall for such a petulant trick that he deserved it?! Granted, these things probably wouldn't happen, but they still seemed a mite more plausible than two ponies giving Spike over twenty mirrors for a measly scale of his arm.

But there was no point in standing still whilst slowly descending into insanity. He had the mirrors now and he might as well make good use of them despite the possibility that he just robbed somepony. Spike walked over to the massive pile of reflective glass in the road and went to pick up one of the panes. It was a particularly large mirror with a gold frame, needless to say it looked very heavy. Spike wrapped his powerful new hands around the gleaming edges and braced himself to lift. Now the dragon had indeed seen his new set of muscles, so logic stands that he be considerably stronger now. However he was not prepared for just how much might was stored in his tree-trunk like arms. The mirror felt as light as a feather, and due to Spike's over-zealous attempts at lifting it, the vanity accessory slipped clean out of Spike's grasp and went hurtling 100 yards in the air.

It pierced several rectangle shaped holes in the clouds, before it reached its Apex and started to fall. The mirror smashed into a nearby tree in a visually appealing firework of leaves and glass fragments. The impact took out about nine pigeons, their last squawks being ones of surprise and outrage. Spike winced, and reminded himself to never, ever mention what just happened to Fluttershy.

He was considering saying a few words at the new, avian-mass grave. However considering the amount of times his food had been pinched by pigeons just like these, a little karmic payback felt almost satisfying. Deciding there were more pressing matters than the winged martyrs in the nearby wreckage, Spike turned his attention to another mirror. To avoid slaughtering anymore birds the dragon lifted this one with one of his arms. It took almost no effort to lift the thing of the ground and set it upright.

The formerly purple reptile took a deep breath before he looked into the glass, and his reflection proved he had been right to. He was at least seven, maybe eight feet tall now, and that height was further extended by the metallic looking row of spines on his head. His body looked like a sculpture, a perfect specimen, almost Adonis-like. On his hands there were a wicked looking set of claws, much sharper than his old ones. With a flex he could retract them,

"That's gonna make a lot of things, a lot easier," he snorted. Another thing stuck out to him, he had a cutie mark. Not just a henna tattoo or one of those awful transfers you get in cereal boxes, but an honest to goodness cutie mark. He didn't quite know what it represented. It was needlessly complex and colourful, as if an artist had snorted paint and then sneezed on his thigh. It looked something from one of Twilight's astronomy books. It was a colourful swirl, with twinkling points of light that seemed to change colour in the sunlight.

No, it wasn't a trick of the light. The cutie mark was actively changing colour by itself. It wasn't consistent either, it would phase from red to green to purple to red again, to lavender to ochre to brown, then red then ochre then hazel then green again. Then purple then yellow then blue then yellow then orange then yellow and then back to red. It was at this time that the dragon realised he had been gawking stupidly at the cutie mark for around five minutes.

Spike had gotten a good enough look at his front, and so shimmied awkwardly on the spot, trying to manoeuvre himself as to see his back. After much flexing he realised he was standing next to a literal PILE of mirrors. Again with next to no effort he positioned one behind him and facing the first allowing him to see his rear, and for the sixty-seventh time that day he gasped. Upon his back lay a pair of folded, golden reptilian looking wings. Up until today he had just crossed his claws and hoped that one day, like other dragons, he would be able to fly. So here he was with the ability now in his lap, or rather, on his back.

It was odd at first, trying to flex muscles he had only just acquired, but soon he was able to extend the right wing half of the way to full extension. The bones holding fixing them to his back extended the full length of the appendage and had parts that jutted out at a ninety degree angle. These were all covered in his new, alabaster scales, and fixed to each boney structure was a taut flap of gleaming golden skin. There were no feathers like that of a Pegasus, and they were a lot bigger. They would dwarf those of any avian resident of Ponyville, for example Ditzy Doo. Upon thinking of the grey Pegasus both wings immediately snapped out to full extension.

"That was weird," he said to himself. Spike found the relevant muscles to control, and moved them. Both wings raised upwards, he tried a different motion and they were pulled back. When Spike released that tension they both shot forward with a powerful gust of wind. The mirror in front of him was thrown forward and shattered upon the pile of its fellows. Spike tried to angle his wings downwards and, when he had succeeded, gave them another flap. He was propelled around a foot of the ground, so he continued the motion and found himself raising. Spike let the power ebb slightly and was able to hover, albeit clumsily.

"Okay, I've woken up immensely strong and attractive, with huge wings and the ability to make mirror salesponies fall in love with me," he summarised. Twilight would have dealt with the situation sternly, making a concise list of all she needed to do to right the heinous wrongs that had occurred. However Spike was not Twilight, he was not a magical, studious to the point of obsession, pupil of the princess. He was Spike, he was a baby dragon and his reaction was one of a juvenile. Spike laughed, he laughed uproariously and felt giddy with excitement. Sure, he had seemingly skipped about a century of his life, but dragons lived for tens of thousands of years. A century was just a pit-stop.

With an ariel blast of his flying appendages he sent the massive pile of glass and ornate framing off the road and into the field. At least twenty five mirrors were sent tumbling and smashing over each other in a glorious cacophony that no amount of onomatopoeias could adequately describe. Spike allowed his chest to puff out, feeling suitably powerful. Ponyville, it sat there in the distance, it was only around a kilometre away, maybe two at the very most. The bleach white dragon didn't yet feel confident enough in his flying ability to take the sky bound route, and so he decided to land and stroll back to his home. It was only natural to feel jilted about the behaviour of everpony yesterday, and this new body may just be what he needed to finally get a little appreciation. Every step brought him closer to his goal, every step widened his smile. This, was going to be fantastic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been a normal day for Celestia. The princess had arisen at 5:30 AM from her preferred 15 minutes of sleep. Of course Alicorns didn't need to sleep, but she enjoyed the relaxation all the same. After meeting Luna for some tea both had performed their respective celestial duties, and then had some more tea. Then it was time for the sister's to get ready for day court. It would most likely be almost exactly the same as the night court only 6 hours prior, and yet royal custom dictated both be carried out. The two alicorns proposal of simply combining them into 'Evening Court' was met with uproar and so the old ritual had stuck. Day court lasted from 6:00 in the morning until 11:00, at which time both sisters reviewed some legislation and royal documents with some much needed tea. They had quickly adjourned to again, make themselves more presentable, and then, after a well-earned tea break, they set to carrying out the more social aspects of the day. This mostly consisted of sitting on their thrones and greeting agents, ambassadors and the occasional tourist.

"We must say Celly," Luna began in between sips of coffee…just kidding, it was tea, "These 'PG tips' are much nicer than the old strainer-based beverages we used to partake with," Celestia chuckled.

"A thousand years of pony development dear sister, and you are concerned with the great leaps in tea?"

"What can we say Celly? We find ourselves more moved by this refreshing concoction than those awful 'sock' inventions you showed me," Luna teases

"Why ever not Lulu?" Celestia giggled,

"They make it look like you have had your legs dipped in pink paint," both sisters snorted most unregally in their mirth. The elder of the two recovered and asked,

"I must say Lulu, you're never usually this animated, do you have some good news to share?" Luna looked her sister up and down in mock suspicion,

"Did we not warn you against using mind-reading magic on us Celly?" The white alicorn grinned knowingly,

"Call it sibling intuition Lulu, I don't need mind magic to read you like a book." Luna considered this with a smile,

"Well, we always feel good after granting one whom we owe a great deal a boon." Celestia wore a mask of uninterrupted calm, but her insides had just cooled slightly.

"Luna, you do know that 'boon-granting' isn't the traditional custom anymore?" whereas Celestia knew her sister would never intentionally do wrong, the time in which she had grew up was vastly different to Equestria now.

"Why ever not sister?" Luna looked slightly affronted.

"Well," Celestia knew that Luna was quite a fan of granting boons, and so she had to put this delicately, "Ponies started asking for more and more outlandish things Lulu, I had to cease granting such favours when one pony literally asked me for the moon,"

"I hope you refused them!"

"I did Lulu, you know I would never give away your moon, but I found that ponies became corrupted when given greater power," Luna looked calm in the face of this news,

"Well we wouldn't worry Celly, we don't think he will do much harm, he's a friend of your student's anyway,"

"I didn't know Twilight was friendly with any stallions," Celestia exclaimed, making her sister giggle,

"No Celestia, not a stallion, he was a drake." Luna assured

"Spike?"

"Yes, we believe that was the little fellow's name. We had taken a break from out duties to have a nice relaxing fly, and when we came to rest on a cloud, we could hear a voice from below. There was the baby Drake, we heard him wishing that ponies would appreiciate him more," Luna told the story to her sister, who listen with a raised eyebrow.

"Spike was outside at that time? And why does he feel unappreciated?"

"We don't now Celly, he didn't say. However we knew that he was a friend of Miss Sparkle's we are indebted to Miss Sparkle and all of her friends for rescuing me" Celestia narrowed her eyes,

"What did you do to him?" Luna looked taken aback, and immediately retorted,

"If you are implying we hurt him sister, then you are being ridiculous. We simply granted his wish, he certainly seemed like he needed it. Plus, what harm is simply helping ponies appreciate him a bit more?" Celestia mulled her sister's words over and seemed to relax slightly, but she had one niggling question.

"Luna, what was the exact spell you performed?"

"We didn't perform a spell," Luna replied nonchalantly, "As you know sister, magic can never be outright destroyed. When one dies, all of their magic and enchantments simply fade into the aether, and ponies like us can tap into them. So we simply took the magic of one who had passed on years ago and gave it to…was it Spike?" Celestia racked her brains trying to work out whose magic she had given to Spike

"Surely taking a dead pony's magic and giving it to another would be very difficult Lulu?"

"If it was their innate magic Celly, if we wanted to grant Spike all of Starswirl's magic for example, yes that would've taken months." Luna corrected her elder sister, "But this pony's magic had been granted by a boon, so we simply found the relevant enchantment and bestowed it on the drake. Just like performing the spell twice but with less effort." Celestia suddenly felt her insides drop from a gentle chill to absolute zero, surely her sister couldn't be talking about…

"Which pony, Luna which pony do you mean?!" Celestia all but begged of her sister, who was too deep in thought to notice her the white alicorns sudden change of disposition.

"We can't remember Celly, she was an earth pony with a parchment cutie mark, a clerk in her village court we think. Anyway we remember she did something the two of us, and so we granted her a boon. She asked to be more appreciated and noticed, we simply made it happen." Luna continued to tap a hoof to her chin in deep thought, Celestia on the other hand was staring at her, mouth agape.

"Aha!" Luna suddenly exclaimed, "We remember she had a creme coloured coat and a red mane…or at least she did at first," Luna chuckled at the memory, Celestia on the other hoof had just had her worst fears confirmed, "We never did find out what happened to her, we were exiled beforehand."

"Mary-Sue," Celestia muttered, her face a mask of horror,

"Ah yes, that was her name Celly! Hold on, why are you looking at us like that?" Celestia was glaring daggers at her sister. If looks could kill, Celestia may as well been firing machine guns, that were wrapped in barbed wire, that was on fire, at her sister.

"You gave Spike the same power we gave Mary Sue?" Celestia growled,

"That is what we just said is it not?" Celestia rose from her throne,

"Come on Luna, we need to find him, and fast."

"Why? It isn't as if the drake would harm anypony," Luna snorted, only to be met with her sister's fierce glower once more.

"If you've given Spike the power we gave Mary Sue, then the whole of Equestria may be at risk."

Mad Mares

Make a Wish Upon a Sue - Chapter 3 - Mad Mares

If there was ever a more fitting for 'Stayin' Alive' to play than right here, right now, then Spike didn't want to know about it. It had been a long walk, and not to mention boring. Last night Spike had simply stormed down the road until his weariness trumped his anger.

Considering Twilight had sided with those two stupid little fillies over her number one assistant, he had been completely enraged. Thus he had travelled far, the dragon's original estimate of two kilometres had been slightly off, by about eight kilometres. So in the half an hour he had been slowly plodding up the wide, dirt-path Spike had come up with a way to entertain himself.

He wanted to impress when he got to Ponyville, and although his new looks were more than enough to do so the young dragon still wanted an ace in the hole. It was a simple answer, he could talk the talk, but he needed to walk the walk. That was what lead to the simply irresistible strut Spike was doing now. He puffed out his chest and flexed his arms, the steady way in which they alternated between back and forth accentuated his muscles perfectly.

He let his hips moved sideward over and over in a way that was exaggerated but not to the point of shoving his arse in pony's faces. He made sure to not cover his polychromatic cutie mark at any point. That was sure to draw a few eyes. The result of all of these little actions was the complete package of unadulterated appeal. The sight of him just screamed… 'Yeah, this guy gets all the mares, and even though that pisses you off, you can't help but loved him can you?'

His glorious golden wings were flared spectacularly. This did pose the slight problem of slowing him due to the added wind resistance. This mattered not however, in fact considering how many ponies were going to be ogling him, maybe slowing down a little wasn't such a bad thing. Spike giggled as he walked, picturing reactions to his metamorphosis.

"Oh hello Rainbow Dash, remember when you said I was a lame dragon? Well me and my new massive wings just want to say that those little blue, feathered ones look pretty lame from up here." The image of the Pegasus checking her wings frantically with a red blush was too much to handle and soon the drake was clutching his stomach.

"Oh, hey there Applejack, do you have to buck a tree to get the apples down? Well maybe if I do it in half the time with one claw tied behind my back, you can spend more time glaring at me without knowing the whole story, sound good?"

"Oh, good morning Pinkie, remember how you never invite me to your parties? Well it seems that everypony just wants to stare at my awesome cutie mark now, and by the way, you're not invited to do so."

"Well Rarity, if you spent less time not listening to me, you might be able to clean that coat and get it to look as good as my scales? Although probably not."

"Hey there Twilight, you always said you were in charge because you're older, well I think that now I've got the body of a hundred year old dragon, you can be the assistant. Now be a dear and dust the library for once, I wouldn't want to accidentally burn something only to have you act like I'm a pyrophile!" Was pyrophile the right word? Pyrofanatic? Pyropony? Pyrodragon? In any case Twilight had just treated him like some sort of fire starter, like a twisted fire starter! Spike smiled contentedly at the thought of all of them there, their faces deep with remorse.

"We're sorry Spike, we didn't mean to be unappreciative. Here, here's a bowl of fire rubies and a bed of your own to sleep on!" Hold on a tick, Spike had forgotten somepony, what about Fluttershy? What had she done to annoy him? There was that time that…no, no she didn't do anything wrong then.

How about when she…no, she actually ended up giving him a bowl of sapphires. A few weeks ago she thought something was bothering Spike and threw him a party to cheer him up, but it had turned out that nothing was wrong with him. Did that count as something to get on his bad side?

Spike shook it off and walked onward, even if she hadn't done anything yet, Fluttershy would probably disregard him soon. The smile had been clean wiped off the dragon's face. Imagining a grovelling apology had been satisfying at first, but all it had done was served to remind him about all of the bad times.

Had they listened to him when he had wanted to spend the gala all together? No, and look what happened, they had the worst night ever. Had they listened to him when he found the book that would have cured everypony of the poison joke? No, and they had to spend the whole day looking and sounding ridiculous. Had Twilight listened to him when he told her not to stress too much about not sending the princess a letter? No, and she had gone completely mental by the end of that day.

Spike felt anger rising in his stomach. Each of those events had two things in common. Nopony had listened to him and nopony had apologised, at least they hadn't been serious. When Fluttershy brought those parasprites that half destroyed the town, everypony had forgiven her in a second. But when Spike destroyed half the town, nopony had talked to him for a month except Rarity. He thought back to the parasprite incident.

Twilight had told the princess that "It's a good idea to stop, and listen to your friend's opinions and perspectives." How beautifully ironic that was, the fury became too much and Spike viciously punched the fence lining the road. The wood crumbled under the force off his blow and fell in a heap of splinters and sawdust. Spike regarded the new hole in the fence worriedly. Applejack would have struggled to even knock the study old structure down, Spike on the other hand had just reduced it to dust.

His anger took a backseat and was replaced with anxiousness. He had changed so much, what if nopony recognised him? He could picture it now…

Spike would walk into Ponyville,

"Look everypony, it is I Spi-"

"KILL IT!" Everyone would shout. He would be corralled into a corner by a violent and angry mob. Finally Twilight would emerge,

"Oh my Celestia, that's a big scary dragon. And since I read so many books or whatever, I know that dragons are dangerous and can only be killed by decapi…decafinate…de..erm…RIPPING THEIR HEAD OFF!"

"Please Twilight, it's me, Spike!" the dragon would beg.

"Ha! What a crude ruse, my assistant is a small, podgy and unthreatening beast. He isn't tall or attractive or muscular or able to juggle!" She would reply,

"Well if you had just paid for those juggling lessons-"

"You don't need to juggle Spike, I said it before and I'll say it again, juggling is pointless." Twilight would cut in.

"YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY DREAMS!"

Spike realised that he was going off topic, and so he corrected himself.

"Back to the point beast, juggler or not, I will vanquish you know!" Twilight would use her magic to rip off Spike's head, because she's so magical she invented a decapitation spell in case of a zombie attack. All of the villagers would be happy about Spike's death, and Twilight would proclaim,

"Fear no longer citizens of Ponyville, the beast has been felled,"

"Shall we eat his flesh Twilight?"

"Capital idea Pip, fetch me my spit and we shall roast him!"

"I should right this down somewhere, it'd make a great story. Aside from the corpse-eating Pip idea, where did that come from?" Spike muttered to himself. Ridiculous story or not, there was still a chance that Ponyville would reject him in his new state. After all Spike was the only domesticated dragon around, and now he was eight feet tall with wings and a bleach white finish. Ponies probably wouldn't stand gawking at him if they were afraid.

He needed to, despite their current disagreement, see Twilight first. That didn't mean that Spike wouldn't have his fun, there would still be time to gloat and make those who wronged him feel inadequate late. However at the moment it was important to make sure that he didn't cause a disturbance. He didn't want the royal guard descending and killing him before he could rub his new body in Twilight's face.

Spike realised the double entendre he had just inadvertently created and giggled childishly. However he couldn't stand around being an unsung hero of comedy all day. Spike decided that if he flew there, he could bypass letting anypony see him until Twilight had the chance to assure everypony that he wasn't there to harvest their marrow or whatever adult dragons do. The drake flexed his wings and hovered like he had before. Tentatively increasing the power he began to ascend into the blue sky and make his way toward Ponyville.

"Heh, how hard can flying be?" he laughed nervously. As he would soon find out, very.

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Twilight's eyes began to open, they felt heavy, much heavier than they usually did in the morning. She felt shaky and unsteady, and as such it took a good few minutes to assure herself she wouldn't fall as soon as she got up. With much swaying, not unlike Berry Punch when behind the wheel of a carriage, Twilight stepped toward the kitchen. The clock on the wall read quarter to twelve.

"Woah, I never sleep this late. Don't I usually have someone who wakes me up," as soon as Twilight mentioned that she heard a sharp buzzing sound. It subsided after a couple of seconds and Twilight rubbed her eyes. Her query was immediately forgotten, however there was still something strange Twilight couldn't quite place. Every time she tried to think about what was different though, that sharp buzzing would return and Twilight would immediately forget what she was thinking. The librarian drew back all of the curtains and opened a few windows to banish the unpleasant 'morning' smell. You know the one she means don't you, you're lying if you say you don't.

The unicorn unlocked the doors and turned the sign at the front to read 'Open'. It was superficial at best, almost nopony ever took a book out of the old oak. In fact it seemed that the only time anypony other than her friends decided to visit was to ask her something or to solve a problem. Why just last week Lyra and Bon Bon had turned up asking Twilight how clean and sanitary the outside of an average cucumber was. That was a particularly weird one.

Was that it, of course she had the reliable Owloysius, but was that really it? She could have sworn there was somepony else, but she couldn't concentrate with that annoying buzzing. As quick as the thought had come, with an intense white noise, it was forgotten. Twilight went to prepare some breakfast, although it was really lunch by this time. It was her favourite cereal, a delectable mix of different flavoured rings. She had to order it especially from Fillydelphia as for some reason the local shops of Ponyville refused to stock it. 'Lots 'a' Sugared Donuts' was its full name, but the designers had opted to use an acronym on the front of the box. To that day Twilight never had understood why so few ponies chose to eat the delicious 'LSD'.

After finishing her E-number meal, Twilight decided to make some headway on her project for the princess. The librarian could have sworn that she had the necessary reference materials only yesterday. She remembered them being on her desk…her blackened desk. How on earth had that happened? Before Twilight could remember though – Buzz - query forgotten.

Three things happened next. Firstly there was an almighty crash from upstairs, complete with the unmistakeable sound of breaking roof. When living in a town with Rainbow Dash, living with that noise was an unfortunate but necessary fact of life. Secondly Twilight shrieked and dove underneath her settee. It was a completely understandable action when you think about it. Would you not squeal like a choir-colt if you heard your roof break?

The answer is yes, yes you would. The third and admittedly least interesting event was Owloysius hooted. Yes when compared to the other two positively thrilling things, this one sort of pales. But it happened at the same time as the other two things and therefore deserves to be documented.

Twilight waited a few seconds before hesitantly poking her muzzle out from under the sofa. There was no noise coming from the crash site. Rainbow Dash would usually have come downstairs by now to apologise.

"Oh no! What if she's hurt?" Twilight gasped. She crawled out from under her seat bunker and galloped upstairs. It became apparent once the unicorn had poked her head into her bedroom, that whatever had crashed into her house was not Rainbow Dash. The cyan Pegasus would often make a reasonable sized hole and scuff the floor slightly. It was nothing that couldn't be corrected and Ponyville's own resident speedster would always offer to cover the cost of the repairs. This, on the other hoof, would require more than just an average builder.

What was left of Twilight's bedroom ceiling was merely a hideous looking collection of mangled wood. The damage had spilled over to other rooms of her house, meaning she was essentially living in a giant bucket. Whatever had crashed into her house had been fortunate enough to land on her bed. Lucky vandal, unlucky bed. The frame was smashed clean in two, and her demolition's expert was rolled in the mess of springs and cloth that was once a mattress. The floor had buckled with the force, and there was the odd hole here and there.

Luckily she didn't keep any valuables in here; they were all in her desk. But still that bed had belonged to her Grandmother…or her grandfather… or her uncle. The point being it had belonged to somepony and Twilight was mad. She would have liked to storm over, but the delicate floor made such an action ill-advised. She had to settle for a meek looking tip-toe to get to the perpetrator.

She grabbed the ruin of a mattress and pulled it backward, thoroughly pumped up to kill somepony. However when she laid eyes on her assailant, there was that buzzing again. It got worse and worse until she was actually kneeling on the floor, hitting her ears over and over with her hooves. After around thirty seconds it subsided. Twilight promptly forgot all the memories she had of that buzzing, and any familiarities with the unconscious form in the mattress were lost with them. When she took another look at the knocked-out body, once again her mouth fell open. She ran a hoof down their chest and was only able to say one thing.

"Oh my…"

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Spike rubbed his head and let out a throaty groan. The dragon racked his brains in an effort to remember what had happened. He had flown above Ponyville, then collided with a cloud. After that he had been falling, before crashing# through…oh, now he remembered. He let his eyelids flutter open, and was met with the sight of Twilight.

She had an insane looking grin on her face, not at all unlike the mirror salesponies from before. They were in the library, the living room to be precise. Spike was sprawled out on the settee with a blanket over him. His new, lanky and bulky frame dwarfed his makeshift bed and his limbs hung over its edges. His lavender companion was sat in an armchair and was staring at him intensely.

Spike remembered seeing a mint green unicorn in Ponyville park who always sat weirdly; the way Twilight was positioned now was oddly reminiscent of that pony. The librarian's hooves were grinding against the armrests constantly, and she must have been here for a while as the chair's stuffing was being worn free. She wasn't moving, aside from her hooves and the steady rise and fall of her chest. It was in time with her ragged sounding breathing, and the occasional whistle of air rushing through her bared teeth.

"Erm…hey, sorry about the roof" he tried to sound distant and uncaring, the memory of yesterday was still fresh in his mind. However upon seeing her like this…he couldn't help but worry. She shuddered when she heard his voice.

"Are you okay Twilight?" as soon as he had said her name, not a couple of seconds after, not half an hour after, not when Jupiter aligns with Mars, but literally as soon as the word had let his mouth Twilight giggled. To be quite frank it was one of the most deeply disturbing things Spike had ever had the misfortune to hear. It wasn't a giggle of humour, but of excitement. It rattled in her mouth making her sound like her head was hollow. It was high pitched and her voice cracked frequently.

It was unpleasantly girlish, and she, being Twilight, had obviously put this on. When Spike said girlish though, he didn't mean girlish like Rarity. Not elegant, seductive and just the right mix between audacious and shy. No, not that at all. Spike meant girlish as in someone who had watched far too many Amareican teen dramas. After about 15 seconds she stopped and looked at the floor, before dusting shyly with her hoof.

"You know my name?" she enquired whilst refusing to meet his eyes.

"Well, of course…Twilight?" he was right to say her name with trepidation. Again, the very nanosecond he did she emitted that sound again. A raspy yip-yowl of annoying laughter that reverberated of every surface right back into Spike's ears.

"Sooo… What do we do now?" she asked while still moving her hoof around in little circles on the floor. Spike had no idea what she was getting at, the only time he had seen Twilight act this was when Princess Luna visited, and that was … oh. He tried to get up of the sofa but the blanket caught. He went sprawling in an inelegant heap on the floor. By the time he had righted himself Twilight was standing too.

"Twilight, you don't want me…like that," Spike tried to laugh of Twilight's advances, and she was quite literally advancing on him by this point, but a quiver in his voice betrayed his façade.

"Like what?" She giggled. Twilight was a young mare, and as such she had certain…urges. Spike pretended not to notice of course, it was Twilight's business and the thought of her being…amorous was gross to Spike. This being said though, he wasn't stupid. Finding the odd magazine under her bed, the occasional romance novel, the bizarre shaped parcels she received in the post and the things she and her friends discussed at sleepovers.

But these things didn't change the fact that Twilight was a book smart, introverted and shy mare who had absolutely no experience in real romance. Spike therefore made the educated guess at why Twilight was doing what she was doing. She was desperately overcompensating in an effort to be attractive.

Swinging her hips back and forth, waggling her flank, pursing her lips in a gesture that looked absurdly duck-like. This was not attractive to Spike, Twilight was not attractive to Spike, it was Twilight for Celestia's sake. It wasn't as if she was ugly but still, she was the one who took care of him, Spike couldn't think of her that way if you paid him. He had to stop this,

"Twilight! You've known me since I was a baby, I'm your number one assistant, I'm not your coltfriend…or would that be drakefriend? In any case this isn't you, what's wrong with you?!" Twilight stopped her disco dance of seduction and looked severely confused.

"But Dragonheart, we've never met before." She reminded him.

"I'm sorry, what did you call me?"

"Dragonheart, that's your name isn't it?" she looked hopeful to the point of being deranged.

"Why would that be my name?" he snapped, she didn't seem to mind his unfriendly tone though.

"Well while you were passed out, I decided to do a little bit of research to find out who you could be, and I found this old book," she presented a dusty old tome to the dragon. The title read 'Prophecies of Equestria'. Spike had cleaned this library so many times that he knew its contents better than Twilight herself and that book was definitely not a part of them.

Twilight didn't even believe in prophecies herself, save for the Nightmare Moon incident, and that later turned out to be based on concrete scientific fact. With a magenta flare of magic the unicorn skimmed the pages until she found the relevant passage.

"Through much scouring of old Equestrian ruins from the Pre-Discordion era, amazing discoveries have been made. The most recent was on the 28th of Sun's height in the 3023rd year of the glorious reign of the Sibling Alicorns. A tablet, thought to be over five thousand years old, which is marked with what looks like a prophecy. 'A gleaming white dragon that rides on wings of gold, he is ordained with an ever changing cutie mark and the power like no other. This Drake will one day either plunge Equestria into eternal darkness or take her back to the light. The drake's name shall be Dragonheart Augustine Virgil Spikewothy Magnus.' " Twilight set the book down and stared at Spike with enthusiasm, he felt that he was supposed to say something.

"So?" she urged.

"So what?" he retorted

"Is that your name?" Spike immediately scoffed at her question.

"Twilight my name is Spike," the librarian looked like she had trouble digesting this, until comprehension showed on her face.

"Oh, that's short for Spikeworthy, as in short for Dragonheart Augustine Virgil Spikewothy Magnus," Spike felt his eyelid twitch as he stared at the unicorn in shock.

"No! Spike as is Spike, as in short for Spike! You should know you called me Spike and as a matter of fact the name 'Dragonheart Augustine Virgil Spikewothy Magnus' is completely ridiculous!" again there was that look on Twilight's face, as if she just couldn't process the new information. "Why do you even believe this book? It's clearly fake, I don't know if you realise but the date it said this tablet was discovered was yesterday's date!"

"Oh, when you say you called me Spike, you mean that we were…erm, meant to be together! Yeah that makes sense, it must be destiny?! And with regards to the date thing…they do publish findings remarkably quickly nowadays." Spike's jaw hit the floor.

"What are you talking about? Is this because of yesterday? Twilight I'm sorry that we argued but you have to snap out of this!" Twilight had stopped listening to him, and was looking around confusedly. It was as if she was hearing some distant, far-off noise. It got worse for her; the unicorn fell to the ground with her hooves in her ears. Her legs started thrashing as her invisible torment got worse. Spike rushed over to her, forgetting all of his anger. However by the time he reached her body she had already gotten back up, and unfortunately seemed just as deluded as before.

"Nothing happened yesterday Dragonheart, as I've said we've never met before." Spike threw his claws in the air.

"Is this just some outlandish punishment Twilight, did you do this?" he shouted, gesturing to his new body. The unicorn waggled her eyebrows and replied,

"No, but I'd like to,"

"What do that even mea…Oh for goodness sake Twilight, that's disgusting!" It was clear his caretaker had gone completely round the bend. Whoever or whatever had changed him had clearly messed with Twilight's brain and planted that book. Revenge would have to wait, he had to go and get a doctor or an exorcist or a proctologist or just something official sounding to help her out. He wheeled around to face the door, but Twilight had already teleported in front of it.

"Well," She purred, "I suppose that it will get pretty lonely when you're out there saving Equestria, maybe you need a mare to keep you company…" she had put on that ridiculous seduction technique again. It looked like she was having some sort of episode. There was only one way out, one place she couldn't follow him.

Spike flared his wings filling the room with an impressive display of golden light. This action bought him the necessary seconds to propel himself up the stairs since Twilight had to stop and swoon. The dragon crashed through the bedroom door, and with a pump of his wings he was propelled out through the hole in Twilight's roof.

Spike expected a hard thud, but was met with a blissful fluffiness. His wings had launched him higher than expected, high enough for the drake to land on a cloud.

"This is good," he whispered, "She can't follow me up here. Okay, think Dragonheart…I mean Spike! Think Spike, her friends will know what to do, where would they be right now?" The alabaster dragon racket his brains, and after literally thirteen seconds of quasi-hard work, he came up with an answer.

"It's Wednesday, and Twilight and her friends always have a spa day on Wednesday!" Spike peeped out from his soft hiding place and located Ponyville's luxurious wellness centre. He could risk going down to the streets, whatever had affected him and Twilight could have affected any of these ponies too. However, from past experience he realised that he couldn't risk flying either.

"How do I get there…hold on a tick," Spike stood up on the cloud's surprisingly sturdy frame and jumped. His powerful leg muscles launched him about twenty feet off the ground.

"Ha! Just like Spider-Mare!" he laughed. The dragon aimed his body and leapt to another cloud, it took his bulk well. He repeated this airborne parkour until he was above the spa. Flaring his wings again, Spike jumped and was carried gently to the ground. Wasting no time he slipped into the Spa building.

The reception area was quiet, and that was good; he wanted to avoid attention as much as possible. Spike had been in here before, and so he knew his way through to where treatments were done. The building was a maze of dimly-lit, incense-smelling hallways and rooms with odd sounding groaning noises coming from them. Only because of ponies getting massages, what did you think he meant?

At last, there it was, room 33, where they always got their treatments. Spike burst in,

"Guys, I know I look and sound different but there's something wrong with…" He never finished his sentence. Twilight had obviously taken advantage of her unparalleled capacity to teleport and gotten there first. She was enthusiastically showing her friends the book from before, and even more worryingly, they looked genuinely enthralled. Fluttershy looked up for a moment, and their eyes met. Spike poured everything he had into his that look.

He tried to tell her 'it's me, Spike, there's something wrong with Twilight'. But most of all, above everything else, Spike wanted to shout 'not you too'. To the drake's dismay, she fell to the ground and covered her ears like Twilight had earlier. The rest of her friends looked up at the scene, and then they saw Spike. Everypony excluding Twilight started covering their ears and convulsing on the ground. When they arose they wore the same insane grins as the element of magic did.

"You were right Twilight… he's fabulous," Rarity purred.

"Ah'd love to see him buck a tree," Applejack grinned.

"He could party with me all night long!" Pinkie shrieked only marginally louder than usual.

"Just look at those wings," Rainbow Dash cackled in a manner both suggestive and threatening.

"The prophecy didn't mention he was so cute," Fluttershy butted in, being uncharacteristically assertive.

"WHAT THE BUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYPONY!" Spike roared, his voice was at an even greater volume than somepony who had just bought and IPad and was boasting about it. Needless to say…that's pretty damn loud. With another animalistic bellow Spike breathed a plume of fire. As he had mentioned to Twilight yesterday, dragon flames only burn what the dragon targets.

So Spike simply made the conscious choice not to target anything specifically, and as a result nothing was burned. Yet the flame was still frightening. In a burst of brimstone scented rage, the fire cracked and roared. It was different to his usual green. It was red, it was every shade of red imaginable. Each different tone of red converged and combined to come up with inconceivable new shades of rouge and crimson and scarlet.

By the time he had finished the ponies were backed into a corner. 'Better scared than trying to assault me' he thought bitterly. But his triumph didn't last, in a soul-crushing display of misguided fanaticism they all began to clap.

"AAAHHHRRGGG, I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ARE ACTING LIKE THIS BUT THERE IS NOT A CHANCE IN TARTATRUS THAT I WILL EVER WANT TO BE WITH ANY OF YOU!" he panted, trying to regain his breath and composure.

"Maybe at some point I would have wanted Rarity, but not when she's like this. You're all acting like psycho's so please, please just stop!" they all looked amongst themselves, before finally Twilight broke the silence.

"Well you heard him Rarity, he doesn't want you, you might as well go," Rarity spluttered in shock upon hearing this.

"Doesn't want me, more like he doesn't want some reclusive little bookworm who has an obvious crush on Luna!" Twilight reeled back,

"So what if I have a cru…I mean I don't have a crush on Luna!"

"She's right Twi', besides he obviously wants me," Applejack interjected, before being confronted by a furious Rainbow Dash,

"Wants you? He's not an Apple tree, or Braeburn. He's a real dragon and he needs a real mare."

"A real mare? You mean the real mare who was crying in fear before the young flyers competition?" Fluttershy sneered at her rainbow friend. Spike watched the horror unfold before him. All of his closest friends were fighting viciously. Twilight was using magic to mess up Rarity's mane, and in turn was having her coat changed into a myriad of unappealing colours.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were in the air and trying to pummel each other, whilst Applejack was pelting them with a seemingly infinite supply of apples from her saddlebag. Pinkie Pie was sat on the floor facing the battle, furiously shouting her own name again and again. The dragon would have liked to tell them to cut it out but he was completely out of energy.

However, while the mares were fighting for the love of a dragon they had realised they loved more than anything about two minutes ago, they didn't notice what happened next. A large ball of energy, appeared near Spike's midsection, it grew larger and larger. It seemed to be a mix of the brightest sunlight and darkest moonlight the dragon had ever seen, and it grew to the point of enveloping him. There was no point trying to run away, it couldn't get any worse and so the dragon just let it take him. Finally the ball reached its maximum and disappeared, taking Ponyville's most sought after bachelor with it.

Technophobia

Make a Wish Upon a Sue - Technophobia

Spike was a very lucky dragon. One moment there was a group of delusional mares in a battle royale for the right to his heart, and the next he was in a peaceful tea room. It was dimly lit and relaxing, with the faint smell of incense burning somewhere far off. Thin and colourful curtains separated the different tables, each having a pristine china tea set and kettle on them. The veils were translucent, and from what Spike could make out the compartment he was in currently was the biggest.

His musing was interrupted by the sound of hooves, two sets if his ears served right. They got closer and closer until two large silhouettes were visible on either side of him. The curtains parted in two places, one with a golden flare of magic and the other with an inky black. Through the newly created entrances, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna trotted in to join Spike at the table, each taking a seat facing him.

“Good afternoon Spike,” Celestia greeted him warmly as usual,

Like an IPhone dropped from an inch above ground onto three square metres of cotton wool, his cold demeanour shattered into a million pieces. His day may have been bad, but the monarchs of Equestria were addressing him. The dragon got up as quickly as humanly…or would that be dragonly? As quickly as dragonly possible Spike performed a bow so elegant it would have given Photo Finish goose bumps, before causing her heart to violently explode…it was just that elegant. The Princesses chuckled in response,

“Spike, you always are too formal around me,”

“Princess, I don’t understand, I was in the spa just a minute ago,” Spike spluttered, before Princess Luna spoke,

“Is your caretaker not Twilight Sparkle Drake? We thought she was very versed in the art of teleportation.” Oh, so it was a simple teleportation spell. Luna was right, Twilight teleported all of the time, and she was fine. The first time either Spike or she had teleported was when the librarian first discovered her aptitude for the ability, and that was when half of Ponyville was assaulting her in order to get Gala tickets.

Twilight had been in a state of panic and they had suddenly been hurtled across space and time to end up in the library. Spike had ended up charred and blackened and Twilight had been fine. He had always chalked that up to the fact that Twilight had been the one to cast the spell, whereas Spike had just been an object she had chosen to take with her.

Teleporting was fine, it never caused any problems to anypony, but being teleported by somepony else was a weird experience. You’re somewhere one minute and then somewhere else the next. Imagine it; you’re just harmlessly mugging an old woman in the street and then BAM! Suddenly you’re in a graveyard being chased by an army of skeletons that want nothing more than to hold you down and violate you with some bagpipes. Creepy isn’t it?

Spike however was quite lucky, unlike the vast majority of forcefully teleported ponies he went from a bad scenario to a good one. If you get teleported somewhere you can usually bet it’s going to be unpleasant. There was even an old pony story about a stallion who is mugging an old mare and then gets teleported to a graveyard where… well you get the idea.

“You teleported me?” Spike asked,

“Indeed Drake,”

“Princess, you don’t have to call me Drake, I usually just go by Spike,” he informed the indigo alicorn,

“Or indeed Dragonheart Augustine Virgil Spikewothy Magnus?” Celestia chided mockingly. Spike’s eyes widened and a cold feeling gripped at his stomach. In an instant, the dragon knew what had to be done. With all the grace of a blindfolded, drug-addled Derpy, Spike gripped the back of his chair and back-flipped over it. His foot immediately caught one of the curtains around him and it was pulled from its moorings. Spike was mummified in a jasmine-scented death rap of upholstery. It took him about thirty seconds to wriggle out of it. That doesn’t sound like a long time but it is when you think about it. Go on, I’ll wait and you can count to thirty.

Long isn’t it?! After he broke free of his perfectly colour-coded prison, Spike reached for his now-askew chair to gain his breath. However, due to his newfound strength, as soon as he leant on the furniture it crumpled. That wasn’t enough to put Spike down though, he rose to his feet…and immediately tripped over a splintered piece of chair. So, about two minutes after his initial target, Spike stood up and faced the two possibly (but not probably) hostile horses.

“Did you read that book as well?!” After determining whether that display came from genuine fear or just some pathetic deep subconscious desire to amuse, Luna answered.

“We do not know of any book Dra…Spike.” Princess Celestia narrowed her eyes.

“Spike, what book do you mean?”

“It was in Twilight’s library, it said some tablet had been discovered yesterday, said I was some sort of legendary Dragon.” Spike murmured bitterly.

“Yesterday?” Celestia repeated with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, and I’d never even it before, and I know every single book in that library!” The two alicorns shared a concerned glance, and Luna muttered something that sounded like spoon. Or balloon, or strewn, or ‘Some dickhead I met outside a pub nicked my debit card and took all of my money out then spent it all on a 5 star holiday to Cancun’.

“Spike,” Celestia began, “What do you know of boons?” ‘The Cancun thing would have been much better’ Spike thought dejectedly.

“And stay out!” shrieked a furious Lotus. Six mares trotted into the sunlight, squinting against its obnoxious rays. Rainbow Dash wheeled round and met the spa-ponies furious eyes,

“What’s the matter Lotus, it’s not like this is the wurst behaviour you’ve ever seen!” the speedster exclaimed with a grin. She turned to look at her companions who were all giving her sour glances.

“Haha, get it guys, WURST! Like, as is worst, but y’know, cos they’re from Germaney,”

“They’re not even Germane you half-wit,” snapped Twilight,

“What’s this? Twilight sticking her snout in and answering questions that were never even asked, why that can’t be right!” Fluttershy interjected in a tone more sarcastic than a robot that had been programmed to be really sarcastic by, like, a scientist or whatever.

“Oh but out you little weirdo, don’t you have to go home and fondle your animals?” Rarity spat, both literally and figuratively.

“Have you guys noticed all of our place-names have something to do with ponies in them?” Pinkie Pie queried, to be met with ‘SHUT UP PINKIE-PIE’ from everypony present; including a couple that weren’t even a part of the argument.

“It was all gonna go fine, Dragonheart and ah coulda’ just got together fine an’ dandy. But then y’all had to go and fight each other and scare him away!” Applejack cried furiously.

“Oh well, it’s not like you would’ve scared him off anyway,” Fluttershy sniped,

“What’s that s’posed to mean,” Applejack snarled at her friend.

“Oh come on AJ, we all know what you ‘country-folk’ are into,” Rainbow Dash snickered. You could almost see the cogs turning in AJ’s mind, until comprehension dawned on her. So she laughed, it was a rich humour-filled laugh. Rainbow Dash joined in as well, and then the rest of the group, and for a small second it seemed like all was well again. That was until Applejack bucked the polychromatic Pegasus as hard as she could into a nearby tree. She impacted with a sickening crunch, and then slumped in a rainbow heap.

“Y’all couldn’t leave well enough alone could yer?! Y’all couldn’t just let me and Dragonheart live our lives together, we could’a got married, imagine the foals,” Applejack lamented,

“You mean hybrids,” Twilight muttered, earning a malicious giggle from Fluttershy.

“You’re wrong Applejack, it is I who the fair Dragonheart would be betrothed to,” Rarity swooned, “he would scoop me up in his immaculate arms and fly me off into the sunset.” She cupped one hoof to her cheek and another to her heart while her eyes sparkled…

“Then he’d drop you and you’d splatter and turn into a pony pizza,” Pinkie Pie snorted. Everypony laughed and Rarity spluttered desperately, but after a while a calm smile came across her face.

“Oh Pinkie,” she said sweetly, before whispering, “No one likes your parties.” Pinkie’s hair deflated in an instant. It was like the dropping of a neutron bomb, except about a thousand times less threatening because she was a fluffy pink pony.

There was an eerie silence as a Mexican standoff (involving glares in place of guns) took place. The only noises were the wind, Rainbow Dash’s occasional groans and the very noticeable bustle of a town marketplace on a Saturday. So it wasn’t really that quiet or eerie on second thought, but still they had some pretty intense glares going on. Twilight was the first to break the metaphorical silence,

“I take it we all know what needs to happen?” Everypony looked at her confusedly,

“Urgh! We all go home tonight and then, tomorrow, fight for the right to party…I mean Dragonheart!”

“That’s fine by me, I’ll crush each and every one of you,” Fluttershy remarked with a wave of her hoof,

“Oh yeah, says the pony who cried like a bucking foal when a few others watched her fly,” Twilight snorted, and began a very derogatory impersonation of Fluttershy weeping. There was a slow grinding noise building up as the yellow Pegasus crunched her teeth over and over in rage.

“Hmph, why don’t you save it for the battle?” Fluttershy snapped in retort,

“The battle?” Twilight scoffed, “Oh I’m sorry ‘Aragorn’,”

“Ah will both of yer just shut yer holes? Ah’m done with all this, see y’all tomorrow, unless y’all are just a bunch of Scootaloos,” Applejack turned and started down the dirt trail toward Sweet Apple Acres.

“Say hello to Big Macintosh for me, and be careful to leave it at that,” Pinkie Pie called after her in an acidic giggle, before also turning tail.

“See you tomorrow girls; I look forward to yanking those rat’s-nest manes out of your respective thick skulls.” Rarity said sweetly, and left a furious Fluttershy and ticked-off Twilight to glare at each other.

“Well Fluttershy, see you tomorrow, I suppose you need to get back to filling the Stallion shaped hole in your heart with a menagerie of revolting little vermin.” Twilight walked away, making sure to flick a seething Fluttershy across the face with her tail.

The yellow Pegasus turned to insult the only remaining member of the group before departing herself. However the blue mare in question was a bit too ‘probably-dead’ at the moment to listen to Fluttershy. This left the usually shy pony with a dilemma, the others had all insulted someone before leaving, she needed to as well. She scanned the market place to find a target for some undeserved abuse.

“Hey!” she shouted at a blonde-maned, grey Pegasus,

“Yeah? Oh, hey Fluttershy, how are you to-”

“You have bucked up eyes and a stupid voice,” Fluttershy interrupted Derpy, and then, her job finished; she began the walk home, leaving a confused mail-mare and twitching Rainbow Dash behind.

“So you two used to just give ponies whatever they asked for? Isn’t that slightly dangerous?” Spike asked after hearing a lengthy and almost totally boring history of ‘Boons’.

“Well yes, we know that now,” Luna admitted,

“It took a few mistakes for us to realise the potential dangers, and Luna was not here when I decided to stop the practise.” Celestia continued,

“Mistakes?” Spike grinned,

“Well there was the whole ‘Spider-Mare’ incident,” Luna began, earning a laugh from Spike,

“Hahaha! Let me guess, some normal looking pony, shooting webs from their hooves and scaling buildings,” Spike snickered,

“Actually no, she turned into a giant eight legged, abomination, encased giant cities in her webs and started capturing ponies,” Celestia deadpanned,

“Oh…haha, I can just imagine all those little ponies trapped in webs saying-”

“She killed about thirty ponies and ate them Drake, stop laughing,” Luna interrupted.

“Okay okay, but what does any of this have to do with me?” Spike said impatiently.

“Well, as our sister said, we weren’t aware of boons being discontinued until recently, and therefore when were out flying one night and heard you, we thought it our duty to grant your wish,”

“What are you talking about Princess,” Spike scratched his head, it was a damn good this his scales were so thick otherwise he would have just sliced his skull into two, large and maybe even edible, pieces.

“You were in a field by yourself and you looked up to us and made a wish, we heard you and, since you were one of the reasons we were freed from the clutches of Nightmare Moon, we wanted to grant it.”

"Hahaha, no seriously what's wrong with me," Spike was in no mood for jokes, not even knock-knock ones.

"We just informed you Drake, we granted you a boon," Spike's jaw hit the floor, and Celestia ignored this grotesque bastardisation of anatomy.

"Spike, do you know about the magic cycle?" the alabaster alicorn enquired,

"Yes,"

"What happens is...hold on, what?" Celestia stuttered.

"Yes, I know what happens," Spike replied.

"Oh, well what about you Luna?"

"Yes, we are aware." Celestia seemed annoyed.

"Well I'll explain anyway," said the sun princess.

"Why? I know, you know and Princess Luna knows. It's not like there's anyone else involved in, or even witnessing this conversation." Spike explained.

"I'm still going to explain," She replied curtly,

"Who for?!" Spike snapped.

"For the... what do you call them? The people... oh it doesn't matter! When a pony dies or uses a spell, their magic dissipation into the environment in the form of raw energy. Animals and plants use this energy to survive, and then give out magical energy as a result, which we ponies can innately use, and the cycle starts again."

"Yes, as I said, I alread-"

"Now! Do you know what happens to non-innate magic?!" Spike was given no time to answer, "Well then, I'll explain! Magic can't be created or destroyed, by anypony, aside from Luna and I. Since a boon can only be rejected, or taken away by the pony who it is bestowed upon, or me and Luna, it's safe to say the large amount of magic wouldn't leave that pony for there life. Because, after all, who is going to want to get rid of their amazing new power? When the pony died, their magic would dissipate into the environment. Then all would be normal again. However, shortly after Luna's banishment," a small grumble from the young alicorn went unnoticed, "scientists discovered that the created magical energy couldn't be used by anyone. No plants, animals, or ponies could use it. It just sat in the environment, useless.

"Isn't that what caused global warming?" Spike interrupted, Celestia scowled in response.

"Anyway! We discovered that the energy was causing some environmental effects. So, since alicorns can destroy magical energy I set out getting rid of the unused boon energy floating around in the world. Thankfully, the environment was restored to normal without any adverse effects. However, I knew that I couldn't possibly have destroyed all of the energy, Luna and I granted far too many. We estimated 99.67% of all the unusable energy were destroyed. However that left some of the Boons in the environment. Specifically the ones that just Luna granted.

I alone granted about 0.45% of the total boones we bestowed, and most of them were done together. I could sense the ones that I had a hoof in creating, however the boons that just Luna gave, I couldn't sense, and I couldn't destroy. I've already said that we alicorns don't really follow the same rules as normal equines. It would seem Luna was indeed able to use some of that energy last night. Without her knowing that boons are now prohibited," Celestia paused to glare at her sister, and got a dismissive eye-roll in response. "Luna found you last night, and decided to use the energy from a previous boon to give to you, one that she alone granted."

Spike shook himself to regain some of his lost attention span.

"That...was really, really boring,"

"Not unlike your letter on the dragon migration then," countered the sun princess. Spike narrowed his eyes,

"Hmm, well played."

"Thank you Spike. Now do you want me to finish the story,"

"Is it more interesting?" Spike idly checked out his claws while talking, so Celestia's scowl went unnoticed.

"Do you know whose boon she granted you Spike? It was-"

"T'WAS MARY SUE!" Luna interjected with a wave of her hooves that added more drama and excitement to the story than you can even begin to comprehend. Celestia sighed harshly, she wanted to say,

"Fuck y'all, I ain't takin' dis no more!" But that wasn't very becoming.

"Mary Sue?" Spike wrinkled his nose, "Really?"

"Why, what's wrong with that name?" Luna queried.

"I live in the same town as ponies called 'Pinkamena Diane Pie', and 'Twilight Sparkle'. 'Mary Sue' just seems a bit...vanilla."

"Regardless, Mary Sue's story is a complex one, one that has to be seen to be believed," on cue, the sibling alicorn's horns began to glow in respective golden and indigo. Spike's vision began to blur, everything in the room began to spin slightly and colours seemed more intense.

"Woah, it's like the time I ate those white sweets in that clear bag under Pinkie's bed,"

"That explains a lot of things," Celestia muttered.

"Do not fear drake," Luna's canterlot voice cut through Spike's current 'Dude, I'm tripping balls' state, "Our magic will show you the images of what has already passed!" Spike felt himself getting drowsier and drowsier.

"Cool, are we having a flashback now?" Spike could barely tell if those words had come from his mouth or somepony else's.

"Oh shut the fu..."

Pinkie paced angrily up her room. Everytime the party pony came to a wall or ceiling she'd just walk up that too, because apparently she could do that.

"If only those rumours were true, the fight tomorrow would be a lot easier is I was a serial killer."

After walking the walls and ceilings of her dwelling, Pinkie came to stand in front of a small baby alligator. Gummy always understood her, he never tried to steal her beloved away from her. Gummy never called her stupid, or hyper, or scientifically impossible. Come to think of it, Pinkie didn't even know why she hung around with those other five ponies. All they did was laugh at her, call her names behind her back, make stupid excuses instead of coming to her parties. She siezed her alarm clock of the bedside table, and after regarding it for a brief second, Pinkie slung it at the wall as hard as she possible could.

It struck making a small dent in the pale yellow wallpaper. The clock itself was smashed and irretrievably broken. It had been a gift from Rarity. Not for any particular reason, just because. It had a picture of a smiling clown on the face. Not just any clown mind you, it was the famous 'Je parie que vous traduisez cette'. She was a famous jester from Prance, in fact she was one of the foremost entertainers in Equestria. She had performed for Celestia and Luna, Blueblood and Fancy Pants. You name somepony high-up, chances are they'd seen 'Je parie que vous traduisez cette' perform.

Pinkie had wanted to see her for years, however the one time the famous clown had visited Ponyville, Pinkie hadn't been able to raise the bits to buy a ticket. Her friends had pooled together and bought a ticket, and considering her status, tickets to see 'Je parie que vous traduisez cette' weren't cheap. They hadn't even asked if Pinkie wanted them too. Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Twilight and Rainbow had all just done it. Just because they were her friends.

Pinkie looked at the now ruined clock. It had been a gift from Rarity.

It had been a gift from Rarity...

Why had Pinkie destroyed it if it had been a gift from her friend?

The usually jubilant pony now rushed to and fro, trying frantically to gather up any pieces of the destroyed present. It was a useless endeavour. Even someone as famously ditsy as Pinkie could see the fact that the clock was beyond repair.

She didn't want this.

Pinkie didn't want to be rushing around, trying to gather up the pieces of her shattered friendships, just because of some... Why had they even argued in the first place? Pinkie racked her brains trying to recover any sort of clue...but there was nothing. She remembered faintly that they had fought, outside the spa. However the subject of their battle still eluded her. The party pony tried to remember something before that, but there was only blackness. With the faint sound of a strange buzzing.

Pinkie Pie felt new life enter her body, she immediately began galloping down the stairs and through a nearby wall into the street. This was made possible by her blatant and 'lolfuckyou' style of bending the laws of nature. Phasing through solid matter resulted in no loss of momentum for the, let's face it, most probably drug-addled equine. She needed to get to Sweet Apple Acres and stop this madness. Yes, Pinkie Pie was the one who was working against madness. Not for it, not even slightly with it, she was actively trying to stop the madness.

Equestria was losing its shit.

Spike tried to rouse himself but to no avail. There was a soothing voice gently crooning his name somewhere in the distance. Everything was just so perfect, he just wanted to slip back into sleep... At least he did until Celestia abruptly smacked him across the face with a single gilded hoof.

"Ah!" he cried, "Why?!"

"I'm sorry Spike but you weren't waking up,"

"So you decided to punch me?" The alabaster dragon roared,

"Oh don't be such a drama-drake," Celestia mocked playfully. Spike was pretty sure he had was now missing a tooth, and considering he had essentially just been punched by God, he was pretty sure he had gottent off easy. However, he desire to complain loudly whilst flailing his arms to and fro and emitting high pitched pseudo-crying noises suddenly took a back seat.
He was sat in oblivion. No, not the Oblivion from that annoying Choose-your-own adventure book that Twilight logged about a thousand hours on, Spike was quite literally sat in Oblivion. The blackness around him and the two sibling Alicorns was simply never ending. It stretched on to mind-boggling infinity. It unnerved the young dragon, however wherever he looked the carnivorous blackness reared its terrifying, all encompassing head. As if reading his mind, Luna placed a hoof on his shoulder.

"Do not worry Spike, the darkness cannot hurt you. We will not leave you here, and you won't get lost. We are merely in the place between places. It is a vast, unending landscape of nothing that time simply forgot."

"Scotland?"

"What... what are you talking... does thou mean to mock us drake?!" Luna spluttered in her Canterlot voice. Celestia rolled her eyes and decided this was the time to interject.

"Spike, Luna and I didn't bring you here to make crowd-pleasing quips. We need to show you events that have long since passed. Therefore, we shall show you something that nopony aside from Luna and I have ever seen."

Spike's pupils dilated with cat-like interest. Celestia's, on the other hand, had began to glow with a furious sunlight. By contrast Luna's darkened, reaching an inky black rivaling that of the unlimited abyss surrounding the trio. The two equines leaned into each other and touched their horns together. An enormous cracking sound rippled through the blank landscape, and at the epicentre was a swirling blue portal.

"Spike, to show you the events you need to see, we must summon The Ethereal Gateway to Eternity!" Celestia boomed, using what Spike guessed was her never-heard Royal Canterlot Voice.

"Count yourself lucky, the numinous artifact you shall see hath never been witnessed by eyes other than those of a royal equine." The two raised their majestic heads in perfect symmetry. Coming to a point where their necks were curved with almost swan-like elegance. From within the dark swirling opening the alicorns had conjured a bright light began to emanate. Spike squinted against the gleaming barrage, he could make out something... it looked like metal, it was a contraption of some sort... it was...it was...

It was...

The fanfare the two monarch's had performed really had raised Spike's expectations skyward. Even if they hadn't given him the equivalent of a ceremonial fluffing, the name 'The Ethereal Gateway to Eternity' really does inspire thoughts of something grander than the dusty disappointment that was spewed forth from the now-waning inter-dimensional sphincter. It was a film projector, and not a one decent either.

It was dusty, really dusty. It made dust look non-dusty. It made a pony who invented a car covered in dust that ran on dust and the dreams of those who think dust is quite simply thrilling look like a dust-racist. The flimsy plastic casing that guarded the presumably pre-discordian inner workings was coming off in more places than it was still moored. It was also so God-damned old, Spike seriously suspected it was a clockwork contraption powered by coal.

"What in the name of Derpy's freakish goggles is that... thing."

"Tis the cipher Drake, our sister and we can view all the events of the world, gone and yet-to-be, in motion and soon-to-pass." Luna replied.

"A blind pony with no limbs could knock this up in their garage!" he roared, "You build up all that anticipation, just to show me THAT?!"

"Spike, remember this has existed for more than twenty years." Celestia reasoned, doing nothing to slake the dragon's indignation.

"Twenty years?! It's called the 'The Ethereal Gateway to Eternity' and it's only existed for twenty years?!" Celestia immediately shook her head.

"Spike, the gateway has always existed in some form, we just updated to this twenty years ago."

"THAT WAS STILL OBSOLETE TWENTY YEARS AGO!" Spike cried, angrier than Twilight was that time Spike discovered her weird self-insert stories with Luna in a cubby-hole with the sinister label, 'Special Stuff :)'.

"Oh, we don't know Spike, the old girl is as reliably as anything around today," Luna chuckled, she reached a hoof to pat the worn-out machine lovingly and subsequently ripped off a large portion of the feeble plastic casing. Everyone froze, Luna picked up the plastic and tried to place it back on the cut-rate machine. When the tiniest amount of pressure was applied, the projector simply fell of its perch and smashed to bits on the invisible floor.

"Well I suppose you're gonna have to update now aren't you," Spike grinned. Celestia and Luna just shook their heads knowingly.

"Spike, do you really think we would rely on a contraption so heavily without any knowledge on how to repair it?" Whilst her sister was talking, Luna had already rooted out the manual for the projector from yet another portal she had somehow found the time to summon.

"Hmm, it seems we can only find the Japonyese copy, this may take longer than expected, sit tight you two."

Spike let out a sigh, and Celestia picked up on his thinly veiled anger.

"Don't worry my scaly subject, we can play a game to pass the time. I learned of in Canterlot, apparently it's all the rage among the 'cool' ponies. It's called, 'I-Spy'. I will start, I spy with my little eye, something beggining with B," The Sun-Goddess sing-songed

"Is it 'Black'?" Spike deadpanned.

"It certainly is!"

"I hate my life."

Author's Notes:

Apologies to:
Scotland
Derpy Fans
Dust Enthusiasts

The Ballad of Mary Sue - Part One

MLP:FIM Fanfiction
When You Wish Upon a Sue - The Ballad of Mary Sue: Part One
Please Read the Author's Note before the chapter, it's got some useful information
"Week 5, Celestia, Luna and I have been traversing the endless abyss for over a month. The crushing monotony is getting to us all, I am afraid. I feel the hunger of weeks without nourishment, and I know my companions must too. They are Gods, there is no way I could overpower them, I suspect they will soon devour me, lest they succumb to starvation.

I feel insanity is setting in. What are these sensations that dance on the precipice of my unconscious, begging to be brought into corporeality? The sound of a foal's laughter, or the smell of baking bread taunt me so. I know in these brief moments of tranquility about my growing mental instability. However most of the time I am free to wade the waters of madness. How long will it be before my faculties are naught but a sea of worn down cogs and misfiring neurons in the infinite, microscopic complexity of the sentient mind?"

"Celly, do you know where the last piece of plastic is?" Spike was brought from his musings with a jolt as Luna called her sister.

"Of course Lulu, Spike has got it... in fact it looks like he's... OH SPIKE!" Celestia chided upon seeing Spike 'making a diary entry'. He had been scratching his memoirs onto a spare piece of plastic casing for a while now, and this seemed like it might be his last chance to record. As the two Alicorns galloped over, the dragon frantically scratched the words that he strongly suspected might be his last.

"They have turned, the end has arrived. I know not what will lie at the end of my tunnel. Do we not all hope for bright light and unlimited contentment? It is a shame that many of us never get what they are seeking. Death is simply another step in the great equine journey, but I can't help but wonder...will I dream?"

The plastic was wrenched from Spike's hands by a flare of golden sunlight, Spike looked up to see Celestia looming over him. He was ready, he knew the two monarchs would cannibalise him first, turning on their own kin may be too depraved a first step. Celestia began to read his work,

"Hmmm, five weeks...insanity...devour me? For God's sake Spike; we've been here for fourteen minutes," Celestia scoffed. Spike ceased covering his eyes and stood up,

“What…really?” he scoffed, unable to believe the alicorn,

"Yes Spike! Is this because I made you play I spy?" the Sun Goddess snapped,

"Well you can hardly blame me for going insane, you made me play 30 rounds and they were all the word 'Black!'," Spike retorted

"Well Spike I've not really got that much to work with have I?!" Celestia bit back,

"But we've been here sooooooooo loooooooong! It feels like weeeeeeeeks, I wanna go hooooooome!" Spike was still a baby dragon, and so he was occasionally wont to have a tantrum. He fell to the non-existant ground and started to roll like an evil dervish. His arms flailed to and fro, he kicked his legs and flapped his wings; conjuring images of a lobotomised fruit bat. The dragon didn't stop there though, he had to put the icing on the immaturity cake. Prepping his lungs like a reptilian Pavarotti, the drake let out...a noise.

It was a terrible noise, it was the worst noise you, or me, or anyone has ever heard in the history of ever. Some might call it complaining, but no, that doesn't cover even a fraction of the sheer force this noise had. Spike was whining, and oh boy was it annoying. He screeched and screamed and cried violently.

Spike hadn't really had a chance to vent, and, for a baby, the dragon had been remarkably mature about the entire world going spare. However the facade had to crumble at some point. Between Celestia's I-Spy decathlon of record breaking boredom, Luna's attempts to read Japonyese, and the fact that he had recently discovered 'The Ethereal Gateway to Eternity' was a dusty film projector held together with sellotape, he certainly had a lot to whine about.

So he whined, he whined and whined. Then, surprise-surprise, he whined again. This continued until Spike saw that the two princesses weren’t paying him any attention. Big mistake, that wasn’t the only trick Spike had up his sleeve. If they were going to drag him to oblivion only to spend all their time fixing an old film projector, then the dragon was going to make it as hard as possible for them.

So he revealed his secret weapon ...sulking. Spike was sick of everyone and everything, and so the only reasonable thing to do was go and sit in a corner until Celestia or Luna paid him some attention.

It didn't work.

Rather than buckle under the suddenly juvenile dragon's intensive mumbling and ability to sit in a way that was somehow childish, Celestia and Luna decided it was best just to let him stew. And stew he did. Spike remained in a state of suspended animation in the corner. Sort of like a massive white boulder, one that occasionally peeked at the two alicorn's behind him to check if they were paying him the attention he so craved.

"Sister," Luna piped up "We hope the Dragon is OK by himself." Celestia stopped reconnecting wires and pritt-sticking random pieces of plastic together into new, jagged structures to look at her sister.

"Oh Luna, Spike has been through a lot more than you think," Luna visibly relaxed at her sisters words, "I'm sure he's just getting bored. It'll do him good to have a bit of a tantrum anyway; he is a baby after all."

"Yes, you're right, we have no reason to worry," Luna grinned, "It's not like he's going mad over there."

"Day nine, my name is Spike, I think my captors want to eat my flesh, I've seen the white one eyeing my rump frequently..."

Pinkie Pie trotted down the dirt road, her hooves were getting dirty as she stepped in the dirty dirt in her effort to get to the dirt ridden farm of her dirty farmer friend.

Dirt.

Her usual bounce had been cast aside in favour of a more efficient trot. It was a humid day, the muggy weather made all of her moves feel sluggish. It was frustrating, the party-pony needed to get to Sweet Apple Acres and sort this mess out. The only problem was something that took Pinkie completely out of left field.

She had no idea how to get to her cow-pony friend's farm. When you go to a place almost every day, and then realise that you can’t even find it, it hits home pretty fast. Pinkie was no exception here. The party-pony’s mane was ready to deflate by the time she had passed the same building for a fifth time.

Pinkie was a bit like a mobile toy, like one of those annoying robot dog toys that 'dies' unless you feed it. The owner will just set the toy on walk mode and let it roam the house, bumping into everything and scaring the shit out of the family cat. The toy wanders the house aimlessly and cannot get to anywhere unless somepony forcefully directs it to.

That’s what Pinkie Pie was now, a directionless robot, Pinkie just set herself on walk mode every morning and just saw where she ended up. The only time she'd ever been anywhere deliberately, her friends had been with her. She'd just follow them and assume they had a sat-nav. Pinkie just ended up in places, the only way she ever found anywhere was just be walking and hoping she'd bump into the right building.

So to sum up, that's why she was currently freaking everypony out by trotting around in circles, and muttering incoherent, and quite possibly satanic phrases under her breath.

Eventually, after much head-scratching, Pinkie got to someplace useful. However, instead of Applejack’s farm, Pinkie had found the Ponyville Spa.

She immediately had to steady herself against a wall as a harsh wave of buzzing came upon her. Memories shifted rapidly, rearranging themselves over and over. Pinkie finally felt the sensation beginning to dull. The violent mental assault left her slightly disorientated. However she was able to recall one thing. She didn’t know why, she didn’t know how, but for some reason, she had her friends had fought here.

Swaying gently, Pinkie walked to the scene of yesterday's unpleasantness. There was no yellow-tape, now chalk outlines of corpses, no overweight middle aged ponies clutching ‘Tree-Fiddy’ and shouting 'Oh mah Lawd, there were hawses fightin' and everything!'. Nothing to suggest anything other than the normal activities of a quiet village had occurred here earlier.

Well except one thing.

Rainbow Dash was propped up against a nearby tree, hidden from the view of the local markets. It was only Pinkie's keen eyes and creepy ability to smell out her friends which alerted her to the unconscious pegasus. Pinkie carefully began to make her way over to the twitching speedster. The earth pony racked her already warped brains in an attempt to recall why her friend was kind of half dead right now.

"Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow?" Pinkie decided that, instead of using her common sense, she would opt to jab her airbourne friend over and over until she woke up. Out of the all the things you want to see after recovering from serious head trauma, the perma-grinning visage of Pinkie rammed into your face probably wasn’t in the top ten. Rainbow Dash was not unusual in her desire not be greeted with a grin that would put the Cheshire cat to shame upon recovering from a head injury.

"Hmmm? Wha...who....PINKIEOHMYGOD!" Rainbow was brought back gently into our world, and was immediately almost taken right back out again, as her pink friend giggled inanely.

"Drake! Drake, we were able to return the cipher toward her former glory," Luna called out into the black expanse. On cue, a distant dot began to move toward them. Eventually, the bleach white dragon trudged into focus, groggily rubbing his eyes and muttering something presumably obscene.

"Of the many things that thing deserves, a gender is not one of them," Spike spat before unceremoniously plonking himself on the floor before the two princesses.

"Think what you will of her Spike," Celestia began, "But it is by the ethereal gateway's powers that we will show you the story of Mary Sue,"

"This better be good," Spike muttered venomously. The two royal ponies each lifted their heads skyward, summoning a large settee. Spike gave them a sour look.

“What?” Luna asked innocently, “You didn’t expect us to sit on the floor do you?”

“No but…do we really need a sofa?” he cried despairingly, “It just seems like you two aren’t even taking this seriously anymore.”

“Spike, Mary Sue’s story is a long and epic one. It is the story of a Mare’s life, or her rise and fall, or her trials and tribulations. This is no mere parable my friend, this is the very essence of another’s whole existence,” Celestia spoke sagely,

“So…how long is it?” Spike tentatively asked, almost afraid to know the answer now.

“Probably a good hour and a half,”

Spike almost screamed. Celestia’s annoying quips had worn him down so much. He was so tired of this futile banter that he was sorely tempted to play a game of ‘I spy with my little eye, something beginning with regicide’. But alas, it wasn’t worth it.

Luna patted a place on the settee for him. Even he had to admit, it was very comfortable. In fact, it was tremendously comfortable. The dragon even began to regret he had complained about the furniture’s creation. It was like someone had made a seat out of that one really comfortable hoodie you’ve had for ten years…you know the one…oh yeah.

The film projector, or ‘Shitty McDefective’ as Spike liked to call it, spluttered into life. The contraption wheezed unnervingly. Plumes of dust were sent this way and that, the whole machine shook violently. It sounded very much like it was in pain.

“Wow, this ethereal gateway is the best,” the dragon droned sarcastically.

Suddenly, without any warning, there was a tremendous cracking sound. Spike looked around frantically; the unending blackness around them was melting away, and in its place faint shapes began to appear. Everything was different shades of grey at first, but this began to change. Slowly but surely, the shapes gained colour and definition. The scene around them came into focus, and they were surrounded by a bustling medieval market place.

"Impressed with the Ethereal Gateway to Eternity yet Spike?" Celestia asked smugly.

"At least I don't have a fat, misshapen plot," Spike muttered acidly

"What was that," Celestia enquired absentmindedly

"Nothing my Queen," Spike trilled in response. Their back and forth, despite being rich in liquid comedy goodness, was interrupted by Luna.

"Shush! Look," the lunar alicorn thrust a silver clad hoof forward, gesturing to an unremarkable pony eyeing up a stall-owner's produce. She was an Earth pony, she looked a couple of years younger than Twilight. She had a bright red mane and a creme coloured coat. A parchment and quill cutie mark completed the mare's image, and there was nothing to say on top of that. She looked like the most average of the average, and if Luna hadn't pointed her out, Spike would have never paid her any attention.

The focus of the scene around them zoomed forward to focus on the mare. Spike almost leapt out of his seat, the sudden focus change was abrupt and disorientating to say the least. Luna patted him on the shoulder reassuringly, whilst Celestia unceremoniously snorted with laughter at his plight.

"I know which princess is getting some anthrax this hearth's warming eve," Spike thought to himself.

However all thoughts of malice were interrupted, as the unremarkable mare began to speak to stall owner.

"Your food is looking great today Mr. Shakesworthy,"

"Why thank-you Mary Sue, head of lettuce and two apples is it?" he asked in a pleasant voice.

"Just like always," Mary Sue beamed. She was in voice as she was in appearance, unremarkable. Aside from her noticeable cheerfulness her voice was really nothing to write home about, just the absolute average. Mary Sue handed over some bits and bode the merchant farewell.

"Oh and Mary," he called after her, she turned back "If your drunken father doesn't pay my family soon I'll be over to break his legs," Mary shuffled nervously,

"Hahaha," the stallion gave a hearty laugh, "No but seriously we'll kill him... bye Mary!"

"Bye...Mr Shakesworthy," Mary Sue sighed, and began to trudge away from the marketplace.

"What was that guy's problem?" Spike asked incredulously.

"If our memory serves correct, you'll see now," Luna replied, seeming suddenly displeased.

"Hello father," the scene had jumped forward, and Mary Sue arrived home. The state of housing must have been very shoddy over a thousand years ago, as Mary's 'House' was nothing more than a glorified hut. There was only one room, with a rudimentary kitchen, a couple of windows with no glass, and what one would hope was a toilet. The most striking thing about the residence was the fact that although there was two of everything, there was a stark contrast in quality.

There was a plush bed, and then next to it was a moth eaten rag with a wooden block in place of a pillow. There was an ornate writing desk, and a rubbish homemade one with at least fifteen exposed nails in it. There was a solid oak wardrobe and then a box with some clothes thrown into it. Finally there was a large, comfortable looking chair, and next to it was what looked like a piece of parchment with a childish drawing of a chair.

Sat on the more comfortable chair, although compared to the alternative it could justifiably be called a throne, was a shabby, unwashed stallion. He was balding, but what remained of his mane was brown, just like his coat. He was an earth pony just like Mary Sue. In his hoof was a tankard of ale, and surrounding him were numerous empty glass bottles.

"Mary Sue, where have you been?" he asked absentmindedly.

"I was out at the market father, I got us some tea," Mary made her way over to the table and emptied the contents of her basket. "Two apples and a nice large head of lettuce," she said with a forced smile. The mare suddenly realised that being on her feet all day had taken it out of her. With a stretch of her legs out and a sigh, she went to go and sit in her ‘Chair’. Her father got out of his seat with noticeable effort before going to inspect his daughter’s shopping at the table.

"Ah, good work my daughter, and what are you having?" Mary looked at him, and he looked back. This intense back and forth carried on for a few seconds before she spoke.

"Father, what do you mean?"

"Well," he began "I'm having two apples and some lettuce, so what are you having?" Mary Sue's shoulders slumped disappointedly.

"Father, I bought this for the both of us,"

"Oh, well that's a shame. By the way I need you to go out and get me some more ale except you have to buy it out your own money," Anyone would have thought he was joking by now, surely nopony could get away with being such a... well a dick for lack of a more elegant term. However Mary Sue just sighed,

"Okay father,"

"That a girl," he grinned and rubbed her mane affectionately. An act that only served to mess up her hair and strew it with dirt. "You look just like your mum, do you know that?" Mary smiled slightly at that sentiment. "Remember Mary, the mum that I cheat on, the one that left because I kept cheating on her? Remember, the cheating? Do you remember the cheating? Yeah you remember," Mary Sue did not smile at that sentiment. She sighed again and trotted morosely over to the wardrobe.

“Ahem, Mary use your wardrobe.” Her father called. Mary Sue’s shoulders slumped for the umpteenth time, and she walked over to the shabby box full of rags. After regarding her moth eaten scarf for a second, she turned to her overweight dad.

“Father, it’s ever so cold. Could I not wear your scarf? It is much better than mine,”

“Mary,” the stallion immediately cut her off, “Don’t be so selfish, what if I get cold in here? Try to think of others,” he gently reprimanded his daughter as one would a foal with a hoof in the biscuit tin.

The red maned mare’s eye twitched. For a moment it looked as if she was going to say something, but alas she did not. She turned to leave and her father blew her a kiss.

"Remember Mary, be quick,"

"Yes Father," Now alone, Mary's father smiled contentedly,

"She's a good kid, and I'm her whole world. God, imagine if she didn't have me, she'd fall to pieces." With a chuckle the stallion began to tuck into his meal, not paying any thought to his daughter; the pony who was now out by herself in the freezing medieval night.

Rarity had been sat for a good few minutes...just staring.

Not at nothing mind you, she hadn't gone completely crazy just yet, oh no, Rarity was looking at a drawing. It had seemed so right at the time, and now it was making her feel sick. It was a picture of all of her friends, beaten and bloodied and… just lying there. In the centre of that massive circle of death, stood Rarity. At least, a drawing of Rarity.

Next to her was a vacant spot, it was clear somepony was supposed to be standing there. That was the issue. When the fiercely salivating fashionista had finished her creepy, borderline-psychotic art, she had realised something.

Rarity had no idea why she was drawing something so awful. Everything had seemed so right when she started, she had been furious at her friends. She'd wanted them to get hurt.

She'd wanted to hurt them.

And then, when it came to add the final character to of Rarity's 'Ode to Murder' she had simply slumped, and realised nothing made sense. The purple-maned unicorn could only vaguely remember an argument outside the spa. She remembered shouting, screaming, shrieking, wailing, hollering, exclaiming, and at one point she could swear somepony had said something antisemitic.

However, no matter how many times she tried, how many times she banged her head against the wall or racked her brains, Rarity just couldn't remember. There was only a white blur, and the faint sound of buzzing.

The frustration got to her, with a surge of magic to her horn, the offending picture ignited in flames. The paper curled and its ends flickered, releasing simmering embers that died into ash before fluttering to the floor. Like they never existed at all.
Rarity turned away from the crackling art and suppressed a sob, she had been truly beastly to her friends. The unicorn didn't even want to consider the possibility that they wouldn't take her back. She'd have nopony, she'd have to leave Ponyville, she'd have to get a job in manual labour, she'd have to cease taking three baths a day.

"Fuck dat noise bro!" Rarity thought to herself, seriously she'd rather just put a bullet in her brain that go through any of that. With a new resolve, a steely determination and a hat that brought out the blue in her eyes like nobody's business, Rarity set out to make amends.

With a flare of sapphire tinted magic, the door to Carousel Boutique was opened and an elegant white pony pranced outside. Even when a cold sense of worry and dread was eating her up inside, Rarity still managed to look good.

"OK, now, first I shall find Twilight, then I'll..." the unicorn trailed off. It looked like this was going to be easier than she first thought. Because sat outside the carousel boutique, facing the wall with a cardboard box beside her was none other than Twilight Sparkle.

“Erm, hello there…Twilight?” Rarity approached tentatively, thoroughly ready for a tongue lashing. For her part, Twilight simply sat there still staring at a wall. The fashionista was suspicious her friend had slipped into a coma until a tiny voice was heard.

“I… I was so angry. I wanted to…I hated you all. And I don’t even remember why.” Twilight hung her head. Rarity was about to reassure the bookworm, but in an instant Twilight had teleported to Rarity’s hooves.

“I’m so sorry Rarity, I don’t remember why we argued but let’s never argue again and-”

“Twilight wait! You’re telling me you can’t remember why we fought?” Twilight considered what Rarity had said with a small sniffle.

“Yes, why?” the librarian queried.

“Darling, I’m exactly the same!” Rarity cried, upon hearing this Twilight’s mouth fell open. She jumped back onto her hooves and the two immediately began sharing their respective stories of amnesiac rage.

“I was so angry,” Twilight lamented, “I went to the shop, bought…some stuff, and went home. After that Rarity, I managed to come to my senses and came here to…erm…apologise.” Rarity listened sympathetically as Twilight explained.

“I came back to the boutique,” Rarity decided to confess also, “Drew a…well I did some things and then when I too came to my senses. I decided to apologise to you all dear. That is why I came out here, I was going to find you all” Her momentary slip didn’t go unnoticed by Twilight, who immediately leapt onto it and tore it apart like the ruthless pedant she was.

“Drew a what, Rarity?”

“Oh, it was… erm, well you know just…fashion and dresses. You really wouldn’t be interested,” The white pony tried to splutter out a believable excuse. Despite her best intentions though, Rarity came out as believable and trustworthy sounding as a serial killer trying to convince the police he’s innocent while carrying a Tesco bag full of his victim’s heads.

“Rarity,” Twilight chided sternly.

“OK! I drew a picture of you all lying bloodied, battered and broken while I stood amidst your bodies!” Rarity shouted out the confession and almost burst into tears. “I’m so sorry Twilight, I was just so angry and…I saw the paper and…” the desperate pony was interrupted by a lavender hoof on her shoulder.

“It’s OK Rarity, but you really shouldn’t deal with your anger so…unpleasantly,” Rarity failed to suppress a tear of relief this time. She threw her hooves around Twilight and scooped her up in a crushing hug.

“Oh thank-you dearest Twilight! I promise I won’t act so brutish in the future.” The seamstress was so relieved to get her feelings out. It was certainly better than the traditional pony way of just bottling your troubles up before finally necking back a bottle of whiskey and getting the noose out…God bless Equestria.

Rarity savoured the hug, the feeling of her friends coat against her face was comforting, and so Rarity snuggled deeper into Twilight’s neck in an affectionate nuzzle. The contact, coupled with Twilight’s forgiveness put Rarity’s wrought mind at rest. The two held the contact for a minute or so, before Twilight began to shuffle away tentatively.

“Do you think we should maybe find the others Rarity?” Twilight gently suggested, not wanting to further upset her friend.
“Oh, yes darling of course,” Rarity gave a small sniffle before summoning a handkerchief to dab her eyes slightly. “Forgive me dear, it’s been a positively wretched day,”

“You don’t have to say sorry Rarity,” Twilight reassured, before turning to go and seek out the rest of her friends. However, she was stopped dead in her tracks by the voice of the fashionista behind her.

“Say Twilight, whatever were you doing sat out here by yourself anyway? And what do you have in that box?” No sooner had the words left the white unicorn’s mouth had Twilight teleported behind her. Before she even knew what was happening; Rarity found herself being pushed up the road by a panicky looking bookworm.

“Twilight! What are you doing? This is not ladylike!” the seamstress cried.

“We don’t have time to stand around Rarity, we have to find the others!” Twilight exclaimed desperately,

“I only asked what was in the bo-"

“FORGET ABOUT THE BOX!” Twilight shrieked piercingly. The two unicorns continued this bizarre dance of push and shove up the road. Twilight didn’t listen to any of Rarity’s protests, she was just glad the white pony hadn’t discovered the box’s contents.

Twilight hadn’t dealt with her anger so well either. Rarity may have drawn something, but Twilight had taken things one step further. In fairness, after committing her deed, Twilight had realised her folly and was just about to knock and Rarity’s door to apologise.

Still, the librarian would much rather get everyone to make friends again before confessing her crime to Rarity. It would be hard to explain several cans of spray paint in the box, and even harder to explain the new addition of ‘Rarity is a whore’ that now adorned the carousel boutique.

“What the heck is this guy’s problem?” Spike roared whilst gesturing to the image of Mary Sue’s fat, unkempt father.

“This guy,” Luna began, “Is Mary Sue’s father Drake. He is called Chestnut Sue, and he was a chestnut mogul five years before the events we now witness.” Spike blinked,

“What is a chestnut mogul?” Spike asked after being baffled by the bizarre job description.

“To put it in laypony’s terms Spike, Mary Sue’s father was a very important pony in the chestnut business. He was bringing in close to 50 bits a year,”

“50 Bits?” Spike questioned, clearly unimpressed, “Just the other week Twilight spent fifty bits on a signed copy of Daring Do, 50 bits a year is not impressive,” Spike folded his arms across his rippling golden chest.

“Spike, in Mary Sue’s time, 50 bits was a phenomenal amount. That could let you live like a king for a year. With 50 bits you would want for nothing.” Said Celestia,

“Then why do they have a drawing in place of furniture?” the dragon queried,

“Well Drake,” Luna began, “The stallion was greedy and proud. One night, he lay with a lowly scullery maid. The mare became with foal, and the shame of the whole ordeal ended the father’s career. The mother tried her best to stay with the father to bring up their filly, however the stallion was frequently unfaithful. Eventually the mother could take it no more and left. The life you see now is a result of Chestnut losing his job and his partner. Mary Sue worked as a clerk to pay for her father’s alcoholism.

Instead of helping his daughter, Chestnut used his life savings to lavishly furnish their house. He bought himself an expensive chair, a beautiful writing desk and an luxurious bed. He did not buy anything for Mary Sue Spike, which is why she has a rag for her bed, and a drawing for her chair.”

“Wow,” Spike let out a shaky breath, “That’s a horrible story,”

“Indeed,” Luna muttered grimly.

“Do not begrudge him too much Spike,” Celestia added, “His actions are not born from a desire to hurt. Chestnut Sue is not an evil pony despite what we just saw. His problem is his utter stupidity. He simply can’t grasp that other ponies have troubles and that not everything is about him. Chestnut truly believes his daughter loves him more than anything, and he does love her back. I suppose, in his own tin-pot way, the stallion sought to do well. It’s just the good he meant to do was the polar opposite to what anypony would consider even remotely acceptable.” Spike blinked a couple of times,

“Yeah… but he’s still an arsehole,” the white dragon spat,

“That he is Spike,” Celestia agreed. Normally she would have chided the baby dragon for his use of coarse language. However, considering what the trio had just seen, the sun-goddess decided the term was more than acceptable, if not required.

Luna’s horn flared once again, and on cue images began to conjure in front of them. The pictures focused and unfocused sporadically until they all decided on a rhythm. The graphics all settled and formed a new scene; giving the trio, once again, a window to the past.

Mary Sue was being blasted with a fierce, frigid wind. Snow whipped around her mane, it stuck in her coat and dyed her body white. Every few seconds, the poor mare would have to stop and shake herself clean lest she become a snow-pony.

Mary Sue fought against the wind to get to the marketplace she had been only an hour ago. Once she arrived she found, to her dismay, each stall was closed for the night. A harsh sigh escaped Mary Sue’s lips, she’d have to go to the tavern.

She hated the tavern.

The tavern had a regular crowd of Mares and Stallions. You were either in or you were out, and Mary Sue was most definitely out. When you turn eighteen, you could either celebrate with your friends or at the tavern, if you didn’t go to the tavern then you weren’t one of them.

The Earth pony turned and began to walk towards the ramshackle building. Outside hung a sign that read ‘Ye Olde Pub’. The lights were on and there was a faint sound of music from inside. Mary got to the door before taking a deep breath. With a single, crème hoof, she pushed.

Immediately, all eyes fell on her. The musicians stopped playing, all activity ceased, and nopony made a sound. The drunken revelry that was happening but a second ago had been replaced by a sea of unfriendly glares directed squarely at Mary Sue. She nervously began to trot to the bar, the earth pony took great care in not bumping into anypony, and in not knocking over anyone's drinks. She came into this bar with all of her teeth, and leaving with them was her current plan.

“Erm…can I have some Ale please?” The landlord eyed her for a good few seconds, before grumbling,

“Sure, it’s two pence a bottle.” Mary Sue nodded and quickly fished around in her saddlebag. She felt her stomach drop when she only found four bronze coins.

“Okay…could I have two bottles?” The stallion nodded and grabbed two green glass bottles of ale. Mary Sue handed over the money, and began to trot out of the pub. The blizzard had intensified, and she now found herself almost toppling over in the harsh, winter winds.

The mare started the journey back home. Maybe the fact that she got him some ale would mean her father would be a bit more considerate, even if it was just for tonight.

The earth pony scoffed at the thought, Mary Sue had never been a very good liar.

“Father, I’m back,” the red-maned pony called out. The room was dark, and there was a sound of snoring.
“Oh thank Celest-” Mary Sue was immediately cut off by her father sitting bolt upright and turning to his daughter.

“Hahaha!” He cackled with uncontrollable laughter, “I got you Mary. God, I bet you were so disappointed thinking I was asleep. Well don’t worry, I’m wide awake which means you won’t have to get bored. You can listen to my drunken ramblings all night!”

Mary Sue listened to what her father had to say. When he was done, she forced a smile on her face. The action was so artificial it looked almost painful.

“So…did you get my ale?” Chestnut got straight to the point. He gave his daughter an intense glare while she shifted uncomfortably.

“Yes father but…I was only able to get two bottles,” Mary Sue’s father stopped in his tracks, he gave her a piercing glare. This carried on for a few seconds before he spoke.

“Are you joking, is this your idea of a joke Mary Sue? Because I can tell you now, it’s not very funny.” The stallion’s daughter kept her eyes on the ground.

“No father, it’s just…I buy you ale every night, as well as all of our food. I mean, it’s hard to pay for all of this on a clerk’s wage. Maybe if you wanted more ale, you could get a job and…” the mare trailed off when she saw her father’s disappointed face.

“Oh Mary,” he sighed, “I suppose it’s not all your fault. I mean it was I who raised you to be such a self-centred, prideful little mare. Actually on second thought it was your mother. So it is really yours and your mother’s fault. Oh Celestia why do I have to have it so hard?” Chestnut stopped his musings and trotted over to his daughter.

“Mary, I have a solution to our problems, and by that I mean your laziness, that I’ve been mulling over for a while,” Mary looked up at her dad, the mare’s eyes filled with a fleeting look of hope. It didn’t last long.

“I’ve decided you’re going to quit your job as a clerk and become either a thief, drug-dealer or a prostitute. And, being the generous, sexy and totally-not impotent stallion I am, I’ve decided to let you choose which.” The mare didn’t answer her father, her jaw had hit the floor. Oblivious to his daughter’s shock, Chestnut continued.

“I would personally suggest prostitute, I’ve heard it makes the most money…actually forget the whole choice thing…You’re going to be a prostitute Mary, aren’t you happy about that? Isn’t that great?!” Mary Sue was visibly shaking now, it seemed like her rage had become difficult to contain.

“Father…I don’t think-”

“Now before you say no, I want you to know the only alternative is for me to get a job. Is that really OK? I think that going to work the street corners to pay for my drinking habit is only fair Mary. I mean come on? I hope you don’t want me to get a job. God I knew you were selfish but come on Mary, that’s not fair on anypony. I’ll tell you, your mother was always telling me to get a job, remember the one that I cheat on Mary, do you remember Mary, the cheating that I did, on your Mother? Remember the cheating Mary?”

Mary had swallowed enough, she turned to her father and slapped him across the face…hard. Chestnut reeled for a moment before regaining his composure. His eyes slowly came up to meet his daughter’s, head on. He fixed her with a vehement glower while his breath quickened. A hoof tensed, as if ready to strike at any given moment. He clip-clopped slowly over to Mary Sue, drawing out the action and increasing the already oppressive tension in the room.

Finally, the two ponies were close enough together that their snouts were touching in a fiery display of mutual defiance. After what seemed like hours, the stallion opened his mouth, and said but a single sentence…

“Seriously though Mary do you remember the cheating?”

“AAAHHHHH!” Mary threw her hooves in the air and shouted. Her father’s eyes widened as he watched the volcanic display of a decade of oestrogen-soaked repression. The Mare finished her ‘I am woman, hear me roar’ battle cry and looked at her father, hoping the act had rattled some common sense into his thick, oblivious skull. The pony in question looked at his daughter with a wide-eyed mix of confusion and surprise.

“So is that a maybe on the whole prostitute thing?” Mary immediately turned and left, afraid that she may kill her father if left in that room for much longer. For his part, Chestnut merely chuckled,

“Hah, PMS is hilarious,” with a self-satisfied sigh, he went to root around in his daughter’s saddle bags to get his ale. Returning to his chair, Chestnut gave a tremendous yawn and began to sip his drink contentedly.

Mary Sue grumbled. Once again the wind was whipping at her mane. The hair was chewed on by the blizzard, with its strands being compacted and dampened by the harsh, white flakes. Her coat was also receiving its fair share of snow. Despite the numbing cold, Mary Sue did not shake the snow from her body. She did not shield her eyes against the wind, she did not try to find shelter. Mary Sue did none of these things, she did not know where she was going and she didn’t care.

In fact, the red-maned pony’s only aim was to drift until she was able to stomach the thought of going back home or found somewhere preferable. And with how Chestnut had been, Mary would have even taken an open sewer over another night with her self-obsessed lout of a father.

Unfortunately, one pony’s seething rage could never be hot enough to quell a blizzard, especially one of a strong as this. Mary trotted over to a house, it gave her no protection from the cold but it shielded her body from the freezing winds.
Mary Sue sat. There was a frozen puddle in front of her, and in it, was the image of a bedraggled earth pony. The pony in the ice had a crème coat and a red mane, and she was crying. Mary had never wanted to end up like this, she had wanted to go to grammar school, maybe she could have been a statesman, or a physician.

Anything would have been better than where she found herself now, working tirelessly to fund her father’s drinking habit, taking his verbal assaults, rolling his drunken body onto its side to prevent him from slipping away in the night. The mare’s face contorted in rage and she punched the frozen puddle as hard as she could.

A sharp pain shot up her foreleg and the ice smashed. She felt no better. Punching that puddle had served no purpose other than to harm her hoof.

“Stop! Stop thief!” a gruff voice brought her out of her self-pity/hate session. Mary cocked her head up and squinted against the hazy night. She could just about make out a mare running away from two royal guards, and they were all heading this way. The mare was carrying a small bag, and it was jingling.

She’d stolen somepony’s bits, somepony had worked for those and this mare had stolen them. Suddenly Mary just felt it all, the years of indignity and injustice. The raw unfairness of her situation, and now this mare had stolen something that wasn’t hers.

Whys should she? Why the hell should this pony get away with exploiting somepony? Why the bucking hell should this conceited thief be allowed to create yet another injustice in this world.

The short answer was, she shouldn't, and she wouldn't. Mary Sue wasn't going to let her.
The group were closer now, it was evident that they were going to pass her by, and it was also evident that they hadn’t noticed her. Mary Sue used this to her advantage. She coiled like a spring, every muscle and nerve was primed and ready, she would spring and attack within a second.

The mare ran past, and Mary Sue jumped her. Like a superhero, she stretched out both forelegs and leapt into the air in an antagonistic swan dive. The force and shock knocked the thieving pony right off her hooves. She and Mary Sue collapsed into a bundle. In the fracas, Mary was able to get on top of the criminal and pin her legs to the ground. The thief was a dark gray pegasus mare, she had a deep cobalt blue mane as well as striking red eyes. And speaking of her eyes, they were now locked with Mary Sue's. Each mare glared at the other, one looking triumphant, the other merely confused.

The guards came to a skidding halt a few metres behind them. Both stallions were totally dumbfounded by this new development in their chase. Mary turned to them,

“I’ve got her,” the earth pony managed to choke out in-between heavy breaths. The two stallions looked at each other, and then at Mary Sue again. There was one Lunar Guard, and one Solar one, and both looked quite perplexed at the sudden events. Finally, the Lunar Stallion looked at his comrade and let out a rich, hearty laugh.

“Well well well my friend. It seems this regular mare has caught the Blue-Tail Bandit,”

“Indeed,” the other pony agreed, “And to think, we’ve been trying for months.” The Lunar Stallion put a hoof on Mary Sue’s shoulder and gently guided her off her captive. His fellow guardspony put a pair of shining cuffs on the pegasus’ hooves and roughly dragged her to a standing position.

Mary Sue turned to leave but was stopped by the two stallions, they immediately rushed over and turned her around rather forcefully.

“Don’t go miss, you have just caught one of the most infamous thieves around. It has been said that ol’ Blue tail here can steal even the most closely guarded treasure…and you get her when she’s simply nicking a purse!” Both stallions began to laugh again.

For her part, Mary Sue simply looked around nervously. She still couldn’t tell whether the guards were happy or upset with her. The thief Mary had caught was glowering at her while grinding her teeth menacingly.
Hold on…Mary Sue had just caught a thief.

The red-maned pony suddenly had to process that information again. It was just a reckless act in the heat of the moment…and now she had caught an infamous crook? This was too much to handle. Mary Sue piped up meekly,

“Erm…I’m glad I could help…I’ll probably just be going home now-”

“Oh no miss!” the lunar stallion cried, “The princesses have been ordering us to catch this one for months, she managed to steal some of the royal jewellery,”

“You must have fallen far if you’ve resorted to purse napping,” The solar stallion jeered. The cuffed-criminal muttered something inaudible, however it seemed to have rhymed with ‘Mucking Hunt’.

“My point is,” the lunar guard continued, “The Princesses will want to see you personally,”

“The princesses?!” Mary Sue exclaimed, her pupils dilating with excitement at the prospect of meeting royalty.
“Oh yes,” said the guard, “In fact, I would wager they’d like to reward you personally,”

“What could the princesses give me? I’m just a simple clerk, I know nothing of culture or art or politics. Any great gift would be wasted on me,” Mary Sue explained, earning the insult of ‘suck-up’ from the thief pony.

“My dear miss,” The solar stallion sauntered up to Mary Sue and slung a hoof around one of her shoulders, “What do you know of boons?”

Author's Notes:

Right then, after a lukewarm response I decided to simply scrap the chapter and re-edit it. I have fixed it up as best as I can, and I hope that people enjoy it. However I would ask you two bear in mind that the next chapter is 'The Ballad of Mary Sue - Part Two'. If there's something that you don't understand in this chapter, chances are it will be explained in the next.
A lot of this chapter takes place in the past, and so I have put these flashbacks in italic.

Edits:
I've scrapped the more outlandish humour.
I've cut it down in various areas to make the story more concise and to limit the amount of needless prose.
Fixed some spelling/grammatical errors.

The Ballad of Mary Sue - Part Two

“Ok,” Spike croaked, “I think I get it now.” The images ceased for a moment; both alicorns decided it was best to give Spike a little break. The dragon rose from the settee and stretched his legs.

“So I take it Mary Sue asked for everypony to love her as her boon?” He turned to fact the two sisters, Luna looked displeased for some reason. She shot Celestia a irritated look, and then replied to Spike over her sister's sudden 'trying-too-hard-to-be-nonchalant' whistling

“If memory serves, not initially,” she deadpanned. Celestia shuffled slightly, and there was a more-than-noticeable red blush beginning to creep onto her cheeks.

“What does Luna mean by ‘not initially’?” Spike asked, directing the question to the increasingly guilty looking sun princess. Celestia looked at the floor for a short while and then sighed.

“Spike, you have to remember that it was a different time,” she began to explain, but paused for a second to make sure her sister’s derisive snort didn’t interrupt her, “Boons were commonplace, and we didn’t really grant small ones back then,”

“Oh, ‘tis both of us now, is it sister? We don’t remember telling Mary Sue to-” she was cut off by Celestia

"Oh come on Luna, sure I went too far that day, but you were never much better. Remember the thousand bit parties and 120% proof wine you commissioned? The throngs of concubines?" Luna seemed ready to retort but faltered.

“How about," Celestia continued, "We let Spike see for himself?” Celestia asserted. The younger alicorn, her glare now waning but undoubtedly still present, patted a spot again on the sofa for Spike. He settled into it nervously, somewhat afraid that the sheer, unadulterated rage passing between the two princesses might just be strong enough to microwave his head.

The now-familiar boot up to the images began. A multi-tonal pallet of shifting distortion filled up the space around them. Celestia leaned over to Spike conspiratorially and began whispering in his ear,

“Spike…if you side with me I’ll give you a position in the Canterlot nobility,”

“Bribery sister?!” Luna roared, having evidently heard the Sun Goddess, “Spike, if you side with us, we’ll give you a palace!”

“I’ll give him two palaces!” Celestia countered,

“Well we’ll give him the moon!” Spike put his head in his claws as the verbal war continued around him.

“Maybe I froze to death in that field and this is hell,” he sighed.

Rainbow Dash knew that in all of Equestrian history, there had been two serial killers. There was John Mane Gacey, and Mary Anne Colton. She also knew these two ponies were abhorred universally. The crime rates were low to non-existent in Equestria, and so it was seen as a mite unpleasant to violate said perpetual peace by going on a killing spree.

And so it came to the question, does she kill Pinkie and be seen as the lowest of the low, or does she carry one walking with the infuriating pink-chatterbox? Having sustained a serious head injury but a few hours ago, Rainbow Dash already had a thumping migraine, and the party-pony's squeaky voice in her ear wasn’t exactly helping with the pain.

Of Course Rainbow didn't actually want to murder her friend, although it was true that the thought disturbingly alleviated some of Dash's weariness. Considering the circumstances however, the speedster thought she was justified. It had taken Pinkie all of 0.5 seconds to explain that she had gotten home, been angry, destroyed her clock, realised her mistake and gone out to find her friends.

Despite the fact that Rainbow Dash wanted nothing more than to just fly home and sleep for a month, she was unfortunately in the same amnesia-wracked boat as Pinkie Pie. Granted, it was more understandable for the pegasus to have lost some memory considering a certain cow-pony bucked her into a tree. However Rainbow knew she and her friends had fought, and she didn’t want to delay making this right. Even if it did mean putting up with Pinkie Pie while nursing a concussion.

“Pinkie!” Rainbow exclaimed with enough force to knock Pinkie out of her bout with verbal norovirus, “We’ve been to Sweet Apple Acres, we've been to Twilight’s house, we've been to Carousel Boutique, and we’ve found nopony. Maybe we should ask around, see if anyone's seen the girls,”

“What a totally-super-smart idea Dashie,” Pinkie squealed at a needless 125dB, “But who to ask?” the party pony pondered.

The two of them were currently on a dirt road that was leading around the back of some houses. Neither had ever been round this way before. There was a stallion with bloodshot eyes and a syringe cutie mark buying what looked like some of the sweets Pinkie ate to get happy of a shifty looking mare. There was also a group of teenage ponies, spray-painting a picture of Celestia on the wall. They had given her devil horns, and stink lines emanated from her poorly drawn ethereal mane. Underneath the graffiti of Celestia, was the intrinsically juvenile tagline of ‘Down wiv da System’

It was the type of drawing that was utterly without any artistic merit whatsoever. It only barely represented what it was supposed to and Pinkie Pie strongly suspected the only reason she had been able to deduce the portrait’s identity was because it was labelled. However the label too took a couple of minutes to read, since they had spelt their princess's name as 'Sel3st1a'.

“I suppose we should ask those teenagers,” Rainbow shrugged. For her part, Pinkie nodded vigorously and clip-clopped over to the mob of unintentionally pathetic looking kids.

“Ask about Applejack,” the pegasus called after her friend, she was looking forward to seeing Applejack squirm about this head injury. ‘It’ll be free cider for a while’ the speedster thought to herself with a smirk.

“Hey there everypony!” Pinkie squealed in what she misguidedly called her inside voice, “Wow, that’s a great picture! If it’s not too much trouble could you tell me if you’ve seen our friend Applejack? She's an orange earth pony, straw coloured mane, says sugarcube a lot...” No one responded to Pinkie and so to try and sweeten them up she gave them her biggest winning smile. The afternoon sun was reflected off her gleaming pearly whites causing her to shine intensely like a spotlight; one that presumably seared the retinas of her audience causing irreparable sight damage.

After assessing whether or not Pinkie was being serious, the leader confidently sauntered over to her. He swung his flank to and fro in a manner reminiscent of someone with an advanced case of 'Super-Rickets'.

“Why are you walking like a penguin?” Pinkie asked innocently, prompting a now-red-faced stallion’s friends to snicker. He shook off the momentary embarrassment and said to Pinkie,

“Brah, we don’t gotta tell you where the farmer is. We don’t need no apples man,” Pinkie considered this for a moment,

“You don’t need…no apples? So you do need apples?” she asked, still completely innocently.

“For God’s sake man!” the stallion cried in frustration, “We don’t eat apples. We were raised on the mean streets yeah, no mums an' no dads. We had to steal to survive you get me?” Pinkie eyed the ‘gang’ member for a second, before yanking his hood off and grinning. Underneath the shroud was a dark grey teenage stallion with a silver mane.

“Privileged Spoon? Is that you?” before he could respond Pinkie had already enveloped him in a hug.

“Wowee, look at you now!” the mare giggled, “I remember when you were only as big as Gummy. How’s Silver Spoon doing these days?”

“Erm,” the stallion was sweating under the increasingly suspicious gazes of his friends, “Who’s…Silver Spoon, I don’t know no Silver Spoon,”

“Exactly! You DON’T know NO Silver Spoon, so you do know her. She’s your sister, and she lives with you and your parents in your mansion!” Pinkie exclaimed. In an instant the Stallion pulled her close and harshly whispered in his regular, high-class voice.

“Listen you idiot, you’re farmer friend was at the park an hour or so ago. She was rubbing her head and wandering around like a moron. Now sod off!”

“Okie Dokie Lokie Cokie Smokie!” Pinkie screamed excitedly, “And by the way, you should know Celestia doesn’t have devil horns silly, your family does work for her.” Pinkie gave the gang quick wave before re-joining Rainbow.

“Erm…I can explain?” Privileged Silver said to his former friends, the ones now closing in on him menacingly.

The two friends followed the ‘Gangster’s’ advice and went to the park. The area was bustling with excited foals and content looking adults. However, to Pinkie and Rainbow’s dismay, the orange pony they were seeking was nowhere to be found.

“Aww, I was really sure she’d be here,” Pinkie lamented, her ears flopping downwards in disappointment.

“Why, because Privileged Spoon told you so? You did embarrass him in front of his friends Pinkie,” Rainbow replied nonchalantly.

“Oh no, really?!” Pinkie gasped in a tone that would seem sarcastic had it come from anypony else, “I hope he’s okay!”

Meanwhile, back at the alleyway.

“Oh God no!” screamed Privileged Spoon, “That doesn’t bend that way! Ow, no don’t hit me with that! Sweet Celestia is that a knife?!”

Back at the park.

“Meh, I’m sure he’s fine,” Rainbow said dismissively.

The two ponies carried on with their search. Behind every tree, in every crack, under every rock and in every stream. After twenty minutes, they had found thirty acorns, five rocks, nineteen butterflies and what Rainbow suspected was a body, but no Applejack.

However, just as the two were about to call it a day, something caught Rainbow’s eye. On a nearby hill, carefully disguised amongst a flurry of daffodils, lay a sobbing butter coloured pony with a light pink mane. The soft sound of her weeping was almost inaudible. However Dash was able to pick up some small squeaks of anguish. Their tone was unmistakable, it was Fluttershy.

It was evident Pinkie had caught on as well, since she now had the same combination of concern and curiosity on her face as Rainbow Dash. They cautiously made their way over to her. Despite her crying, Pinkie and Dash didn’t want to risk provoking Fluttershy’s wrath again. Just because they had been stricken with amnesia it didn't mean Fluttershy had the same issue.

“Fluttershy…are you okay,” Pinkie asked tentatively. The timid pegasus’ ear flicked. She lifted her head from the grass and took a cautious look at Rainbow and Pinkie. In a second she was up. Well I say a second, it was more like twenty. But then she was over to them in a second. Again I say a second but it was actually more like thirty. But after those thirty seconds of gentle wing flapping, did she take a further ten seconds to prep her voice to talk?

You can bet your arse she did.

“Oh girls, it’s just awful!” she squeaked in frustration, “I can’t find Angel Bunny anywhere,”

“Hold on, what?” Rainbow countered.

“I’m afraid it’s true…oh Celestia what if he’s hungry?!” Fluttershy looked ready to cry again, and so Dash decided it was best to wait until she was a bit more stable to inform her of the fight.

“Oh, we thought you’d be crying about the fight,” Or Pinkie could always just do the opposite of what was best. That was still a plan.

“What…fight?” Fluttershy asked cautiously of Pinkie, who in turn was ignoring Dash’s increasingly violent gestures to shut her face.

“Oh, you don’t remember?” it looked for a moment as if Pinkie was going to act sensibly and not remind Fluttershy of the battle royale. Shockingly enough, that didn’t happen.

“Well there was this big fight, we were all trying to hurt one another and we all said mean things and you told off Dashie for crying before the young flyers competition and…”

“I did…what?” Fluttershy interject, her voice barely audible. She turned to Rainbow and it looked as if she was going to say something. However her voice failed and she had to settle for a simple pleading look.

"It's okay Fluttershy," Dash asserted with a empathetic smile. Pinkie too gave the yellow pegasus a sympathetic look,

“Yeah, don’t worry Fluttershy, Applejack bucked Rainbow Dash into a tree for Celestia's sake. We all did things we acted like meanies, but we’re going to find the others and make it right. Do you want to come with us?” the baker gave Fluttershy a wry smile. Pinkie’s pegasus friend looked shell-shocked and more than a little bit upset. However she gave a small nod and quickly added hoarsely,

“Just let me get my saddle bag,” she trotted back to the daffodil patch like a pony on their way to their execution. Slow, dragging hooves and a low, dipped head. When Fluttershy was out of earshot, Rainbow hurried over to Pinkie and immediately snapped,

“What the hell was that about?! You know how sensitive she is,”

“Yeah, yeah I know Dashie,” Pinkie replied without taking her eyes of Fluttershy

“So why did you tell her about the fight?” Rainbow asserted furiously, “Didn’t you know it was just gonna upset her?”

“Of course I did Dashie,” the earth pony sighed, “But what good would lying to her do? Do you think Applejack doesn’t feel guilty about bucking you into that tree? Do you not think I feel horrible about the way I treated you all…don’t you feel guilty?” Rainbow had been ready to launch a verbal tirade in light of Pinkie’s insensitive behaviour, however she faltered at this sentiment.

“But… w-well of course I do,”

“I feel horrible about telling Fluttershy, Rainbow, but we all deserve to feel bad about this just as much as we deserve the right to feel angry, and just as much as we should be expected to exercise the right to forgive,” the party-pony said in an uncharacteristically calm voice. Rainbow didn’t reply this time, she just let Pinkie continue.

“Friendship is about give and take. We all did wrong, and I hope we can sort it out. But to let Fluttershy just forget about this would be just as much a punishment to her as it would be everypony else. Fluttershy should be allowed to realise she’s been wronged and to demand an apology from the others. But she also needs to face the consequences of what she did. She deserves to be given an apology, but along with that, she’ll have to take the punishment…just like the rest of us. It’s called tough love Rainbow, and I love my friends more than anything,” Pinkie finished her sage-like speech and gave Rainbow a brief smile.

“Wow…that was deep for you Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow afforded herself a shaky laugh.

“What can I say...” the earth pony replied, Rainbow waited for a moment before replying,

"...Well?"

"Well what?"

"What can you say Pinkie?" Rainbow asked, uncertain as to where this was going,

"What are you talking about?" Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. The two of them gazed at the silhouette of Fluttershy against the soon-to-be setting sun.

“Come on Dashie, we’ve got to make sure everypony gets knocked down. And then we have to be there to pick ourselves and each other right back up,” Pinkie said determinedly. Rainbow tried to realise when the serious stuff had started again but gave up just as quickly. The two of them joined Fluttershy. They each slung a hoof over the woeful pegasus’ shoulders comfortingly and the trio began their journey into town. There was work to be done.

Spike stood with his arms folded across his golden chest. There was a toothy scowl growing on his face as he listened to Celestia and Luna’s incessant back and forth.

“…well sister, if you weren’t always too busy stuffing your face with cake, maybe you could have handled the Mary Sue situation better!” Spike heard Celestia gasp at this,

“But…how do you know about my snacking Luna?!” She spluttered incredulously.

“Oh come off it Celestia, we can all see the evidence on that, shall we say, ‘hefty’ flank of yours,”

“How dare you!” Celestia screamed, "At least people pay attention to my sun!"

"At least I only have a 'full moon' once a month," Celestia's mouth hung agape at her sister's retort. For a minute it looked as if she were going to say something until Spike interrupted.

“Enough!” he roared. Scarlet flames erupted from his mouth and he blew them into a raging fireball. The inferno shut the two ponies up quite nicely and gave the dragon some much needed silence to vent his anger.

“Do you two realise that before you teleported me away, my friends were ready to start tearing each other’s throats out? Lord knows how bad it’s gotten while we’ve been here. So will you please either just cut the bollocks and tell me what happened with Mary Sue, or start up your silly little projector and let me see it for myself?!” Spike finished his rant and took a few ragged, steadying breaths. It was a few moments before Luna gave a tentative reply.

“Erm…Spike what does ‘Bollocks’ mean?”

“I don’t know!” He shouted in reply, “I heard somepony from Trottingham say it and so I just assumed it meant something fancy!” With that the dragon slumped onto the settee and grumbled what was presumably a mixture of profanity and racially charged comments against alicorns.

“Hmm, it does tend to work that way,” Celestia thought aloud before sitting next to Spike, “Look Spike, Luna and I know that this must be hard on you, and we’re sorry for arguing. It isn’t appropriate, is it Luna?” Celestia asked pointedly of her sister, who rolled her eyes but otherwise bit her tongue.

“We’ll get back to Mary Sue’s story and we’ll agree to stop arguing, won’t we sister?” The princess in question gave a wry smile and sat on the other side of Spike, sandwiching him in a royal squash of Pony-Princess-Plot goodness. Spike shook his head and wondered why he had just thought that, before replying to the alicorns.

“Thanks you two, now how about we get this over with?” They nodded at him, and on cue, both of their horns flared with contrasting moon and sunlight. The projector spluttered into life with its characteristic drone that just seemed to scream ‘Oh God please just let me die’. Images flashed and danced all around them, until the scene settled.

It was a far cry from the dank, snowy streets of Mary Sue’s hometown. The crème mare was being escorted by the two royal guards from before down a large, ornate hallway. The ceiling was very high, almost to the point of it simply seeming like showing off. The marble floors and golden colour scheme were further bathed in a sea of poly-chromatic light by the lavish stained glass windows that decorated the corridor.

Due to the glow outside the windows, it could be assumed that the travel to Canterlot had taken a long while. Indeed, the intensity of said light hinted that the sun was very bright outside; it was probably at least midday now. Mary Sue seemed slightly groggy, but happy all the same.

The pony wore a toothy grin as they walked. There was a spring in her step and each one seemed to increase her excitement. The stallions occasionally shared a small smile and a knowing glance. Everypony was the same here. They might be the most dignified noble in Canterlot, but give them a private audience with the princess and they all became a giddy foal.

Eventually the trio came to stop outside a large pair of doors which reached up to the ceiling and seemed to be made from solid gold. All manner of jewels and gems adorned the gleaming slabs in a thousand different intricate patterns.

A gorgeously carved depiction of Celestia and Luna’s emblem formed the centrepiece of the door. Two alicorns, one light, one dark, forming a circle with the other. The circle contained each ruler’s respective celestial body, each made up by a cluster of amber or pure white gemstones.

“So,” the lunar guard began, “Are you ready to meet the princesses?”

“OhmigoshyesIcan’tbelievetheywanttomeetmeallIdidwastripsomeponyand-” the solar guard gently cut her off with a subdued yet forceful throat clear. Mary Sue offered a sheepish apology, however it was hard for the earth pony to conceal her excitement as the double doors began to open.

“I don’t get it,” Spike interrupted. Luna’s horn lit up for a second and the images paused around them.

“What is it Spike?” she asked

“Well just before this she was all upset about her stupid dad, and now she seems like the happiest mare in Equestria.” The sibling alicorns considered this before replying.

“If we remember rightly Spike, it was the fact that Mary Sue was meeting her princesses that elevated her mood,” said Luna,

“But when Twilight and me used to live in Canterlot we saw Celestia all the time. In the local cafés, in the supermarket, wearing hoodies and sunglasses outside some shop called Ann Summers-” Spike felt an ivory coloured hoof hastily cover his mouth.

“OK Spike, we get the picture,” Celestia insisted over her sisters sudden snickering. “The thing is, Mary Sue’s time was a vastly different one. Remember Luna when she first came back from the moon. Well imagine the two of us like that, all of the time…except much, much worse.” The sun princess placed a hoof to her face as if embarrassed.

“We were a lot more separated from the common pony back then Spike. Nowadays Luna and I are still rulers, but back then we were full-on Royalty.”

“Hmm, doesn’t sound that great,” Spike confessed uncomfortably.

“You have no idea,” Luna deadpanned with an eye-roll.

“However Spike,” Celestia emerged from her hoof-hiding place and continued, “You have to realise that I have learned a lot since then, events since Mary Sue and some other, erm…mistakes...” Celestia cast a tentative glance to Luna, who gave her an unsavoury one in return, “... forced me to grow up and act more appropriately for my position.”

“Erm…okay?” Spike replied bemusedly, “Why is it that I need to know all of this?”

“You’ll see now,” Luna replied, and with a flare of her magic the images eased out of their paused state. Mary Sue and the guards slowly began to move again, and their voices transitioned from creaky static into clarity …

The double doors opened, and immediately a cacophony of brass erupted from every angle. Throngs of trumpet players produced a sinfully extravagant fanfare, while a red-carpet rolled all the way from the distant end of the room to the now open doorway. When the carpet unrolled fully to reach Mary Sue confetti burst from its edges, showering the young mare.

She looked behind her to her two escorts in obvious disbelief. The two of them simply smiled and gestured for her to move forward. The walk took a whole two minutes which, when you think about it, means that the room was pretty fucking massive.
When the earth pony reached the end, she came to a needlessly complex bow that she had evidently been taught on the journey to Canterlot. Normally the action of bowing isn’t significant enough to be able to convey such an assumption. However, considering this bow involved about forty different tail flicks and hoof gestures…well you get the idea.

Mary Sue finally raised her head to look at her monarchs fully. They sat upon two thrones, one made up in flawless white marble, and the other in sparkling obsidian. Luna’s dark seat had impeccable accents of silver and diamond, whereas Celestia evidently favoured gold and ruby.

Each of the two alicorns was adorned in resplendent looking regalia. Large horseshoes encrusted with gems, impeccable necklaces enchanted to gleam and reflect the light in a hundred different patterns and shapes. Glorious crowns, each with a miniature of each monarch’s relevant celestial body orbiting it.

And added to all of this, behind the two rulers was a stain glass window. Considering it depicted the two alicorns in exactly the same pose they were currently sat in, excessive vanity was the only reasonable explanation for its existence.
Celestia and Luna themselves were not looking at the new arrival. For whatever reason, showmanship, boredom, or the weight of those stupid crowns, each monarch was looking firmly at the ground. This did not last however, each sister began to look up slowly. The tension was hoof-biting, then pulse-pounding, then heart attack-inducing, then dull and finally just plain annoying.

This, however, only lasted until the two princesses looked up. Luna’s eyes shone with every shade of moonlight imaginable. A million galaxies burned furiously in her ethereal mane, each individually burning with the combined fury of a billion stars. The air around her seemed to condense and freeze, and Mary Sue suddenly felt very alone when confronted with the pure embodiment of perpetual and everlasting night.

Celestia display was the perfect counterpart to Luna's. Her eyes were ignited with the unmatched power of her sun. Light that was as furious as it was smoldering, and as glorious as it was eternal. Mary Sue had to wipe sweat from her brow as the air around the sun-goddess reached nigh intolerable levels of heat.

Just as the earth pony was considering turning and running, Celestia began to stand. She reached her right forehoof outward and screamed in a voice that could silence a planet.

“WHO GRACETH OUR HALLOWED HALLS?!”

“Oh Good lord,” was all Spike could say.

Luna stood now too, like her sister, she reached out a forehoof to some unseen power and spoke in her royal Canterlot voice.

“BE THIS THE ONE WHO CAPTURED THE BLUE-TAILED BANDIT? IF SO WE THANK THEE!” There was being loud, there was shouting as loud as you could, there were rock concerts, there was listening to combined sound of a hundred nuclear bombs through a pair of headphones…and then there was this.

The loudness wasn’t even funny, like seriously there was nothing even slightly amusing about it. It was just stupid. Being loud for loudness sake. It wouldn’t be unrealistic to suggest that all of Canterlot could hear them. It was so ‘Not-Unrealistic’ in fact, that it bypassed ‘realistic’, walked straight past ‘probable’, didn’t even stop for a drink at ‘certain’ and finally arrived without even breaking a sweat at 'Pessimistic'. Because at this volume it was a safe bet to assume that the whole of the Everfree was getting a damn good earful.

It was lucky then, that the pony who stood before the monarchs was protected from the bulk of the auditory assault by a spell. The alicorns had implemented it as soon as their first guest had unfortunately passed away from a purely coincidental case of ‘Volume-Induced Cranial-explosion’.

The guards and trumpeters were not so lucky though. The lucky ones immediately collapsed. Several of them covered their ears and winced. Some of the musicians tried to stuff their instruments down their earholes to block the sound. One even succeeded and seem pleased, until he realised that inserting a trumped into one’s ear would only increase the intensity of the sounds he sought to muffle. He frantically tried to remove it but eventually gave up in favour of running from the room, whinnying desperately.

The procession didn't have to deal with the voice that often, however when they did...eardrums were burst, armour was soiled, and insanity was induced. Amplifying his voice with a spell, the lunar guard from before announced.

“Right lads, let’s leave the princesses to their business.” The ponies gratefully filed out of the room, each lining up outside the strategically placed ‘Palace Deafness Clinic’ nearby. Mary Sue turned around to find herself alone…eventually. It was quite a big room and the princesses did have a lot of musicians.

After about five minutes of uncomfortable shuffling noises, Celestia, Luna and Mary Sue were finally by themselves. The moon goddess jabbed her sister’s shoulder, as the elder alicorn had seemingly fallen asleep while waiting.

Celestia awoke with a start and rubbed her eyes; the confused look Luna was giving her went unnoticed. The white princess looked at Mary Sue groggily before saying,

“We already give to charity,”

“For God’s sake,” Luna growled and smacked her sister’s arm with a silver-clad hoof. Celestia looked at her fellow ruler who mouthed ‘Boon’ at her repeatedly.

“Wha?” Celestia replied confusedly “Oh. Yes sister we know thee controls the moon, and it looketh very beautiful,” said the alicorn in a manner which suggested over-rehearsal and boredom. Luna looked at her sister angrily, in fact angry doesn’t even cover it. If looks could kill, Celestia’s brain would have been destroyed violently, like a child obliterating a dead fish with a claw-hammer.

She met Luna's stare with a questioning one, apparently unaware as to why the indigo pony was glaring at her with clear intent to kill. Celestia looked to Mary Sue, then back to her sister, and realisation dawned upon her.

“Oh, boon! You’re terrible at mouthing things Luna!” she whispered roughly, before assuming the position from before. Luna glowered, but soon followed suit.

“SO, THEE CAPTURED A DANGEROUS RASCALL?” Celestia asked of the little earth pony.

“Erm… yes,” Mary Sue replied with an audible hint of fear.

“DO NOT FEAR LITTLE ONE,” Luna screamed, because if there’s one thing that stops someone being nervous, it’s shouting at them as loud as you possibly can to not be nervous.

“FOR THINE ASSISTANCE TO OUR KINGDOM, THOU SHALT RECEIVE ONE FABULOUS BOON FROM YOUR WISE AND ETERNAL RULER…AND PRINCESS LUNA,” Celestia asserted with a smug grin. The moon princess looked affronted, but otherwise didn't react to her sister’s thinly veiled jab.

Luna had a scowl on her face, and Spike tried to focus on the story rather than the thousands of apologies Celestia was uttering to her sister.

“Why, thank you…my queens,” Mary Sue fell into another bow. A normal one this time, not one designed by the world’s worst choreographer while drugged up on acid.

“THOU ART WELCOME!” Both rulers replied, and a stained glass window cracked somewhere in the hall.

“SO, WHAT BE IT THAT THINE HEART DESIREST MOST?” Luna asked with a serene smile, which was impressive considering her voice was currently the exact antithesis of serene. Mary Sue took a deep breath before finally bowing once more and voicing her request.

“My Princesses, there is nothing I would like more than for my father to finally appreciate me, and for him to shirk his selfish and beastly ways,” the red maned pony said, her muzzle still touching the floor.

“THEN IT SHALL BE DO-”

“Wait, what?” Celestia had reverted back to her normal voice, and the grand pose from before was now dropped. Luna somehow heard her sister over her own volcanic voice and stopped abruptly. She too dropped the royal posture and grumbled venemously

“I erm, I want my father to-”

“No we heard you,” Celestia cut Mary Sue off, “Is that it?”

“Erm…yes?

“You get two beings of incomprehensible power offering to grant thee one wish, and this be the wish thou choosest? We thought thou was going to asketh the ability to fly or something,” Luna was getting noticeably frustrated now.

“It is not for us to dictate what one desires for their boon Celestia. If our guest choosest this, then by our will shall it be done,” the indigo alicorn asserted, punctuating each of the last few words with a hoof-stomp. However her older sister simply elected to ignore her outright. Celestia lifted a hoof to her chin and considered something for a moment.

“Oh! We have an idea! Why do you not make it so that everypony appreciates you…or better yet, why not makest them love you? Yes! Thou should wish for everypony to love you, and for everything that thou encounters to end in thine favour! And also for beauty!” Celestia’s grin grew larger as she added and added to the wish. Mary Sue seemed enraptured by the possibilities, her pupils dilating and mouth hanging open in a broad grin.

“Mary Sue,” Luna gave up all hope of trying to get through to Celestia, “Is this what thee wants?”

“Yes!” Mary Sue squealed excitedly, her eyes never leaving Celestia. “All my life, everypony has just walked over me, nopony appreciates me and I’m sick of it! My queens, I wish for everypony to love me, for me to be beautiful, and for every encounter to end in my favour!” The mare listed off Celestia additions rapidly, before sitting firmly on her rump and evidently waiting for her boon.

“Excellent!” Celestia announced happily, however instead of attempting to grant the wish, she began to trot off to a door behind the pair of thrones.

“Luna, thou can grant the boon. We’re going to get ready to dine with the Griffon ambassador tonight, so thee will have to take care of our paperwork. Oh and also, our sun needs to stay out for another two hours tonight,”

Spike looked at Celestia incredulously. The dragon couldn’t believe the sun princess ever treated her sister in such a way.

“Before you say it Spike, I know. I was a terrible princess and a worse sister. Luna and I have both already said our apologies. I’ll never be able to make it up to her, but I’ve been trying,” Celestia offered her sister a weak smile. After second’s noticeable deliberation, Luna returned it and the two shared a tender nuzzle. Spike smiled despite himself, but tried to return his attention to the story.

Albeit adoptive, Spike had his own sister to reconcile with and he needed to understand his new body and situation to do it.

Luna took a steadying breath to try and calm herself down. Once her hooves had stopped shaking she turned to Mary Sue who looked up at her with large, expectant eyes. The moon goddess sighed, however whatever issue was on Luna's mind was promptly forgotten as her horn flared suddenly. The appendage was swathed in a pulsating wrap of pure black energy. Arcs of violet electricity shot outwards from the power surge at random intervals and Mary Sue felt the entire hall drop several degrees in temperature.

“MARY SUE,” Luna roared, favouring her Royal Canterlot Voice once again, “FOR HELPING PUT THE INFAMOUS BLUE TAIL BANDIT IN CHAINS, YOU ARE GRANTED THINE WISH.” The energy around Luna’s horn built and built. Slowly but surely, the black colour chipped away like old paint, revealing a shimmering violet underneath.

Luna took position by aiming her horn squarely at Mary Sue’s chest. At this point the black had entirely disappeared from Luna’s magic, leaving only a pure translucent purple. After a few seconds, the energy shot forth. Upon making contact with Mary Sue, it began to wrap her gently.

The earth pony seemed nervous, and this only increased as the violet encased her whole body, head to hooves. The mass swirled and danced. There was an audible pulsating from within the magic which was accompanied by the sound of shifting and rustling.

Eventually, the energy seemed to solidify. It started slow, but the mixture soon mummified the pony completely. Luna prepared her horn again before firing a single, white beam at the purple pseudo-statue. There was a technicolour explosion not unlike a rainboom. The hard violet casing smashed like an eggshell, and the equine beneath was revealed.

If someone hadn’t seen the transformation, they wouldn’t believe it was Mary Sue. Her once crème coat was now a gleaming, immaculate white. The sort of white that looked never ending. So clean and unblemished that there seemed to be a certain depth to it.

Her mane was changed as well. It was no longer an unremarkable shade of red. Her hair was a deep gold. However this wasn’t confined to colour, the mane looked as if it had been spun from the metal. It shone and gleamed, it reflected the light every which way. This gave the mare the image of sparkling. She shook her head elegantly, thus allowing the mane to dance this was and that.

Despite looking like it was made of gold, the hair moved like it was a liquid. When it was in motion it almost looked like Celestia and Luna’s ethereal manes. Added to this, the changes were not confined to Mary Sue’s mane and coat.
There was no trace of her previous paper and quill cutie mark, and in its place there was what looked like a galaxy, and the image on her flank was no longer static, it moved and changed in colour. It never settled, and shifted from one beautiful piece to another.

Mary Sue looked at her new body, her smile widened as she took in the new her. Luna watched her with an unreadable expression, before stepping down from the thrones. She trotted toward the mare, who’s head snapped to meet her princess. The earth pony had certainly not forgotten her manners and fell into a respectful bow.

“Thank you my princess.” Mary Sue shuffled forward and planted a tentative kiss on Luna’s forehoof. Luna smiled and motioned for Mary Sue to stand,

“By the power of the Gods Mary Sue,” the princess said, forgoing the Canterlot voice, “Thine boon is granted.”

Author's Notes:

Hey!

It's You!

The Final Ballad Part One - Breakdance 2: Electric Boon-Aloo.

Mary Sue rose tentatively. Throwing herself at Luna’s hooves had been instinctive, however she now had the freedom to inspect her new body. She was taller now. Still not nearly high enough to match the princesses but she expected she could probably look down on most ponies now; physically of course.

However she could probably look down on them in other ways considering her new features. Mary Sue was now the most objectively beautiful mare she had ever seen…alicorns notwithstanding of course. She didn’t know if Luna could read her mind but she’d rather be safe than sorry.

The earth pony took her time getting up. Each leg was longer, and it seemed that even the act of keeping her new form aloft was a complex balancing act. Feeling like she was on stilts, Mary Sue took a few tentative steps around the room. She had never realised the extent to which she took her old legs for granted. Not a minute since they’d been replaced and the mare was stumbling around like an inebriated tramp trying to find a phone box to soil.

Eventually she got into the flow… and it felt good. Once the adjusting was over Mary Sue was able to move with a grace that seemed slightly inequine. Her mane bounced lightly and her hooves barely touched the ground. She didn’t so much trot as she did dance. Each moved looked in equal parts organic and mechanical.

Once the earth pony had finished her impromptu waltz she turned to look at Luna, who was looking at her with an expression that suggested amusement.

“Have thee finished thine frolicking?” the monarch lightly teased. Mary Sue laughed in response. It was a musical and elegant sound, like wind chimes on a blustery day.

“I can’t thank you enough Princess,” Mary Sue replied. Her voice was now different, less that of a pony and more that of a siren. Like a swathe of warm milk and honey around the soul.

“Thou dost not have to thank us Mary Sue. Thine boon is a reward. It is our way of thanking thee, thou hast earned thine prize,” Luna asserted calmly. She still had a smile on her face but it was less one of amusement now. It seemed content.

“We suppose thou would like to know thine properties of thine new body.” Luna asked, prompting Mary Sue to nod enthusiastically.

“Thou canst obviously detect the purely physical changes, however the boon did more than simply alter thine image. Thine natural magic hast been warped and empowered. It does more now than simply provide thine innate, earth-pony vitality and strength. Thine magic will now also enrapture, as well as alter the actions of ponies in thineg proximity; provided said proximity is within 2180 cubits of you.”

“That’s fine Princess, my town is much smaller than that,” Mary Sue replied with a smile.

“Every encounter thee has will end in thine favour Mary Sue, and moreso thou will be loved by everypony. But thou needest remember not all good things can be eternal, and we would likest to remind you to not misuse this gift. I need to give thee one final warning, but before I do so thou must rememeber. This is to make thine life pleasurable my little pony, suffice to say mine sister and I will not tolerate inappropriate behaviour."

At that precise moment, because when you speak the laws of nature will often bend to reduce all credibility you may have, the door behind the thrones opened; to reveal a swaying, intoxicated Celestia.

“Speaking of inebriated tramps,” Luna snickered. For her part, Celestia didn’t reply with a snarky retort. She simply inspected a gilded hoof lazily, before half-heartedly replying,

“Third Annual Winter Solstice Festival, I seem to recall you getting drunk for the exact same reasons as I did sister, what with the Griffons attending. We all caught you with a mate that night didn’t we? I personally had suspected it was one of those concubines you were so fond of at first, but imagine the surprise when we all found out it was Princess Platinu-” Luna’s hoof covering her sister’s mouth did nothing to remove the smug grin on the Sun Goddess’s face.

“Point taken, don’t judge her too harshly Spike,” Luna said flatly while refusing to make eye contact with anyone.

“Thank you Luna, now shall we return to it?” Celestia trilled,

“Yes,” Luna muttered, eyes still on the ground as her cheeks burned furiously.

Celestia stumbled into the throne room. She took a look at her sister before an expression of steely determination graced her features.

The next few seconds played out as such.

She began to briskly trot toward her sister. Within seconds the full fury of the Sun Goddess was bearing down upon her insolent sibling. The transgression? Failure to start paper work. The punishment?

Whatever the superior goddess chose.

She spoke in a voice that made the royal Canterlot voice seem paltry. Luna’ eyes shrunk to mere pinpricks when confronted with the unleashed divinity of her fellow ruler. She tried to hide her face behind her hooves until Celestia’s voice once again ordered her to get to her rightful place as Celestia’s P.A.

Luna ran from the room as if chased by the very hounds of hell themselves. And Mary Sue, seeing the unmasked ability of the immortal princess, threw herself to Celestia’s hooves. She adorned them with all manner of kisses and whispers of sweet nothings and words of appraisal. The very sun itself shone brighter that moment in subjugation before its eternal master.

At least that’s how Celestia planned it to be. What actually took place was more like this.

Celestia looked at her sister and tried to trot towards her, however her inebriation made this difficult. A trot became a slide, a slide became a stumble and a stumble became a fall. It was at this moment that Celestia, the immortal alicorn of unimaginable power, started her greatest battle yet.

It was a battle with gravity.

Gravity used its ability to pull Celestia to the floor. A cunning move by gravity! But its opponent was a God, and one that had seen countless battles. Celestia responded by flapping her wings pitifully. Gravity decided to just do the same thing it did last time.

Another cunning move! Celestia tried to counter attack by placing her hooves in all manner of positions, none of which even slightly helped. Gravity decided that the same move had worked well thus far and so it just kind of shrugged and did it again. Did I say how cunning gravity was?!

Celestia saw her chance and decided to pull off her coup de grace against her foe, which was swearing loudly and emitting all manner of frustrated grunts. In the end, as if there were any doubt, gravity left this battle the victor, and to the victor his spoils. The spoils in this particular case was the sight of Celestia tumbling to the floor like a moron.

Celestia was a drunken entanglement of legs and stupid looking wing-flaps as she cascaded onto the throne room floor with all the grace and poise of somepony who had recently won the world ‘Hit yourself as hard as you possibly can over the head with a claw-hammer multiple times’ championship, which in itself is a testament to just how bleak the world was before smartphones.

Once she had gotten back up, Celestia swayed drunkenly over to Luna and slapped her with a hoof, only. To her surprise, her sister didn’t recoil, but fractured in a spider-web pattern.

“Don’t try that with us sister, we know thou cannot shatter,” Celestia slurred. In the elder alicorn’s defence it only took her a further minute to realise she was talking to a stained-glass window. But once she did realise, Celestia crossed the seven metres to her sister in a blistering thirty seconds.

“Luna, thou hast not begun our…we mean thine paperwork,”

“Sister how art thou already so drunk?” Luna questioned calmly,

“It is called ‘pre-drinking’ sister, it’s considered rude to go to a Griffon dinner if you’re not already a little bit *hic* smashed,” Celestia gave Luna an uneven grin. “But anyway, go and do our work now!”

“We art not doing thine work Celestia, it is thine fault for getting this drunk already,” Luna growled at Celestia, who scoffed in return.

“Oh! Thou art perfect then are thou? Thou canst not criticise us, remember Princess Platinum?!” Luna burned red and shouted at her sister to shut up.

“And remember that night will be starting two hours later tonight Luna,” Celestia prodded her sister’s chest with a hoof, which was smacked away by Luna. This action almost threatened to topple the drunken alicorn once more, but she was able to grab onto her throne. However Celestia had obviously not taken her divine strength into equation and she tore the seat into two pieces. She regarded it for a moment and shrugged before turning to yet another stained glass window.

“Thee are not stealing our glorious night! Thou already stolest our favourite consort,” Luna spat. Celestia turned to face the real form of her sister and snorted,

“She liked us more.” Luna went to reply but blinked rapidly and stuttered.

“They were a he,” the younger princess exclaimed. Celestia considered this with a dumbfounded look before finally concluding,

“Thou hast a weird choice in mates sister,”

“Says thee?” Luna laughed “We all know what happens with that ‘Faithful Student’ of yours!”

Spike turned to Celestia with a look a shock.

“Oh god, no of course not with Twilight Spike,” she cried when she noticed him, “That’s not what the faithful student position is for… at least not anymore.” She added with a rouge blush.

Spike shuddered but otherwise decided that eliminating the part of his brain that stored that memory with a heated wire could wait until later.

Mary Sue was shuffling around uncomfortably on the spot. She was clearly unaware as to whether she should interject. On one hand, she was supposed to get one final piece of advise from Luna, but on the other, these were the rulers of Equestria and she rather liked not being executed. In the end, the earth pony elected to simply slip away and let the chorus of personal insults and death threats continues behind her. She reached the end of the gargantuan throne room and spied a group of guards talking amongst themselves.

“Luna’s getting sick of Celestia now guys, I don’t know how long it’s going to be before we have outright civil war,” said a male solar guard.

“Oh please,” scoffed a lunar guard, “They’re sisters having a tiff, nothing’s going to come of it. I’m sure they’ll be back to gossiping over dinner and granting a boon to everypony and their gran in a flash.”

“Ahem,” Mary Sue delicately cleared her throat to get their attention. They each turned idly and regarded her with placid stares… for about half a second. After this apparent kicking-in period, Mary Sue’s magic clearly took effect. Each of their jaws hit the floor.

Literally.

They immediately clamoured over one another to get to her. Each guard was clearly racing to get the siren first. A Solar guard mare got to Mary Sue first and straightened out her mane hastily. She cleared her throat and spoke,

“What can I do for you gorgeo-” the question was never finished. A male lunar guard bucked her as hard as he could away from the one who so enraptured him. He went to speak before the mare cried out,

“Don’t listen to him, he’s got ultra-syphilis!”

“That’s not even a real illness Sunny!” he barked in retort,

“Yeah, but you’ve got so much syphilis, that it all combined to make ultra-syphilis.” She turned to Mary Sue, “And it’s transmitted through talking to him!”

“So by that logic, you now have ultra-syphilis,” a guard still caught in the tangle cried out, “But I just talked to her, so now I have ultra-syphilis!”

The pile of Equestria’s ‘Finest’ began a mad tangle to get away from each other, each crying out the word ‘Ultra-Syphilis’ at random intervals. A guard from across the hall who had decided to investigate slinked up to Mary Sue and crooned,

“I don’t have ultra-syphilis,” the mare regarded him for a moment, he could only be more stereotypically in love if he had actual hearts in his eyes,

“Aha, I’m talking to you now! We’re talking!” spat the mare called Sunny. She jabbed a hoof at him and repeatedly cried the name of the illness that everypony seemed to have forgotten was made-up.

“No-one’s got ultra-syphilis,” shouted the guard who was apparently patient zero of this terrible imaginary affliction.

“Oh God, he talked to all of us, we’ve all got it now!” shrieked a guard in the pile. Mary Sue watched the debacle with interest. If her mere presence could reduce the ponies charged with safeguarding the princesses to blubbering foals, just how much power had Luna invested in this body?

“Erm, guards,” they all immediately shut up and remained still, “I was just going to ask if you could take me back to my village?” in an instant they were all stood to attention,

“Of course milady,”

“Anything for one as fair as you?”

“We’ll guard you with our lives,”

Every guard was mere putty in her hooves. Mary Sue had never been one to crave power but, now that she had it, she couldn’t deny it felt quite nice.

“Guards,” she began with a growing smile, “Take me home,”

Walking back to the home she shared with her father had been otherworldly to Mary Sue. As soon as the golden chariot had touched down, her neighbours seemed transfixed. The guards announced her arrival as if she were royalty. When they were done everypony had erupted into cheers. Foals had cried, mothers had fainted and fathers had to be held back.

Bouquets of flowers had been thrown to her as she walked down the streets. It was like a parade, the guards kept the spectators behind a line as they fawned over the attraction. More than a few tried to break the line but the guards managed to hold them off, despite the fact that half of these rabble-rousers were guards themselves. Mary Sue had scanned the crowds, but her father was nowhere to be seen. That was good though, she would much rather reveal herself to him in private.

(Mary Sue privately thanked the gods that nopony could read her thoughts because that particular sentiment would have sounded pretty damn sinister to an outside observer.)

The earth pony was started to get quite crowded and so she decided to try out her new abilities, she turned to her new fans who waited for her proclamation with baited breath.

“Erm, could you guys please give me some privacy,” she asked sweetly. There was an immediate uproar of sycophantic complying.

“Of course!”

“Anything for you, you beautiful, perfect piece of godhood,”

“What’s all this I’m hearing about Ultra-Syphilis?”

“WE WORSHIP YOU!”

Mary Sue was dumbfounded as the crowd just did was she said. Ordering a group of ponies around was a good way to get punched in the face, but not a good way to get what you want. Yet here she was, and there they were. They followed her like she was their hgod. It almost disgusted Mary Sue that she had this ability.

Almost, but not quite.

After being everyone’s whipping-pony all her life, it felt good to now be in control. It felt damn good in fact. So good that Mary Sue had to suppress a small shudder as she trotted toward her house, she was fairly certain things were going to be quite different from now on.

She finally arrived at her home, and everything seemed a bit more rose-tinted now. The unpleasant colour and shape of the little hut, the filth-smeared door, even the tattered welcome mat that read ‘Hovel, Sweet Hovel’.

She reached out a hoof and daintily pushed the door open. While her hoof was outstretched, Mary Sue noticed something. The mud and filth from the road she had just traversed was coming off her hoof. The fur was still immaculate and sparkling, and despite the fact that she had walked through fifty metres of wet mud, none of it clung to her coat.

It was like water off laminated paper, and it amazed Mary Sue. It amazed her that she now seemed so physically disconnected from the world. Earth, the component of Equestria that was limitless in its conquest couldn't hinder her. She was like a ghost, fluttering through Equestria without ever marking it. She could probably dance on snow without leaving imprints. The sea itself would probably move for her to avoid making her coat wet. Was this how the princesses felt all the time?

Upon realising she had been stupidly gawking at her foreleg for about five minutes, Mary Sue cleared her throat and trotted indoors. Her father was sat in his chair as usual. A bottle of ale was clasped in his hooves as usual. He didn’t even register Mary Sue entering the room, as usual.

Not for long though.

“Ahem, father,” said Mary Sue. Chestnut’s ear flicked and he turned toward her.

“Ah Mary Sue you’re back. Now I know you’re still probably annoyed about that prostitute thing but I’ve realised that your opinion is worth less than mine because you’re a mare and I’m a stallion so…” Chestnut didn’t get to finish his half-baked insult. His sentiment died off when he got a proper look at his daughter. The way he regarded her was different to everypony else. It wasn’t a slightly intimidating mixture of fanatical devotion and lust. It was normal. It wasn’t an obsessive look, it was simply a blank one devoid of Chestnut Sue’s usual cocktail of condescension and arrogance.

He got up and slowly walked over to his daughter, and then he cupped a hoof to her cheek. His eyes misted over and he leant forward to place a tender kiss on her forehead. Mary Sue was frozen to the spot. The experience was so alien to her, and it came as such a visceral shock that she had absolutely no idea what to do.

“Lord knows there’s pressure on you young ones,” he chuckled lightly, “I can see you’ve finally gone to that unicorn barber to get your coat and mane dyed. Let me tell you child, you don’t need to. You really are beautiful Mary, just like your mum. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to realise it.”

Mary Sue was dumbfounded. Millions of different scenarios flashed through her mind over and over. She could take the role of the reckoner, she could throw all of his failures as a father and indeed, as a stallion, in his face. She could reject him in his moment of magic-induced clarity and have done with it.

She could simply accept it and remain stoic, punish him with indifference over harsh words. She could forgive him right then and there of every trespass and the two of them could begin a new chapter. However right now there was simply too much going on. She could decide all of that later, right now all Mary Sue did was embrace her father and let years’ worth of tears fall without shame.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear from you Dad,” the mare choked out, and for once she allowed herself to feel comfort from her father’s hooves gently stroking her mane, trying to scrub his daughter’s pain away.

Rarity had her muzzle thrust firmly skyward. Her eyes were closed haughtily and she only responded with a dismissive ‘hmph’ every time Twilight apologised.

“Look Rarity, I can’t say I’m sorry much more, I know I shouldn’t have written that on your house. But it’s just a quick spell to remove it,” The look Twilight was given suggested her attempt at cheering her friend up hadn’t worked, just like the last five thousand.

Twilight had initially planned on telling Rarity after they had resolved their group argument, however keeping secrets was never the unicorn’s forte. After the fourth time Rarity had tried to talk to her and Twilight had immediately cried ‘I don’t think you’re a whore!’ the white pony had realised something was afoot. So Twilight had come clean and had been immediately sentenced to death by silent treatment.

“We were both angry Rarity, remember? You did draw that horrible picture.” Rarity wheeled around on her.

“I scrawled a crude drawing about me beating my friends in a boorish hoof-to-hoof fight Twilight. I then realised what I was doing and lit the blasted thing on fire. You on the other hand defaced my home and declared me to be a… a whore, Twilight,” she deadpanned.

The fashionista tried to keep her voice level, but a crack showed the chink in her verbal armour.

Twilight looked at the floor shamefully. It was clear that she tried to come up with some sentiment to calm her friend but was failing. Added to that, the weakness in Rarity’s voice had only served to intensify the purple unicorn’s guilt.

The two of them remained stationary for a moment, that was until Rarity heard a small sniffle from the librarian. She didn't want to concede anything, she was mad and that was justified. However Rarity was generosity, and generosity would give anything. Even if she didn't want to the tailor would give, and right now she gave her forgiveness

Rarity let out a rough sigh and walked closer to Twilight. She gently lifted the mare’s head up to meet her eyes, and then brushed Twilight’s mane out of her face.

“Darling, it’s okay. I suppose you’re right, we were both quite mad. God only knows what caused this fight, I mean neither of us can even remember. I will admit, I wasn’t quite happy with you preaching about me dealing with my anger properly, considering you had done…that. But I think I’ve had enough of arguing for today dearie.”

Twilight wasted no time in wrapping her forelegs round Rarity’s neck in a crushing hug,

“You’ve got nothing to apologise for Rarity, I’m so sorry. You’re not a whore.” Twilight gushed. Rarity smiled, trust Twilight to make an apology sound as clunky as possible.

“I should certainly hope not darling… hold on, is that Applejack?” the librarian disentangled herself from Rarity and looked to the pony her friend was gesturing to.

Sat on a table outside one of the local pubs, was a mare of an unmistakable shade of orange. Her mane was shrouded by a battered old Stetson that covered her head; which was lay flat on the table amongst about fourteen empty cider tankards.

“I don’t think there’s anypony else it could be,” Twilight concurred. The two unicorns began to cautiously trot over to the booze-hound. Just because they’d forgotten why the group had fought, that didn’t automatically mean Applejack was in the same boat. They would rather not anger her if she had full knowledge of their fight. Especially considering what befell Rainbow Dash.

“Ahem, Applejack darling?” Rarity said delicately. There was a grumble from underneath the hat as the drunkard stirred, “It’s us dearie, Twilight and Rarity,”

“Are you feeling okay?” Twilight asked tentatively. Applejack groaned and lifter her head. The two unicorns waited as the hat rose higher and higher, slowly revealing the earth pony beneath like a prize in the world’s most depressing game-show. Her face was covered in a thin layer of dust and dirt from the table, and her eyes had thick, pronounced bags around them as if she hadn’t slept in years. Considering the fight had only been hours ago, this was pretty damn impressive in a sort of sick way.

Applejack’s bloodshot eyes snapped shut against the sudden assault of light now she was out from underneath what had to be the world’s worst tortoise costume. An orange hoof was brought, with noticeable effort, from her side and Applejack rubbed her head. She then swung it back to rest by her flank and knocked ten empty mugs of her table in the process.

“That you, girls?” she grumbled,

“Yes Applejack, it is Twilight and I. Dare I ask how you got into this state?” Rarity asked while rubbing the cow-pony’s face with a napkin. Applejack sniffled and then leapt over the table. She didn’t succeed in her endeavour of course but to her credit she gave it one hell of a go.

Applejack’s hind legs caught on the furniture she was immediately dropped face first before her friends’ hooves. This didn’t stop her though, she looked up, wrapped her forelegs around said hooves and began spluttering apology after apology.

“Ah’m sorry girls, ah meant to find y’all but ah just couldn’t face yer after ah’d acted like I did.” The cow-pony’s speech was a nigh-on incomprehensible mess of slurring, irritatingly down-home southern slang and irregularly-placed hiccups.

“So you decided to, as a more uncouth mare might put it, come to the pub and get leathered?” Rarity enquired with a light smile. Applejack untangled herself from the bench and sat pitifully on her haunches in front of the two unicorns. Her bottom lip was stuck out in a childish gesture of inebriated upset.

“Ah thought if ah had a few, teeny tiny drinks,” she began, “It’d be a bit easier, facin’ y’all.”

“Few teeny tiny drinks hmm?” Twilight smirked,

"Kinda went off the wagon,” the farmer mumbled pathetically. Twilight patted Applejack’s head and tried her best not be patronising when performing such an intrinsically patronising action.

“She’s too intoxicated to do anything right now Rarity. If we’re going to see the others then we’re going to have to sober her up.” Twilight began to go into full scientist mode. “If we get her back to the library I’m sure I can brew a potion to cancel out the effects the alcohol is having on her,”

“Nonsense darling, this one just needs a hit of coffee and some TLC,” Rarity replied airily with a wave of an immaculately groomed hoof. With that she picked up the sniffling earth pony in a telekinetic grasp and nuzzled her.

“Oh you’re just a big drunken baby aren’t you sweetheart?” the seamstress cooed while rocking her friend back and forth like a mother would a foal. Rarity took off in the direction of Carousel Boutique with Applejack levitating in tow. Twilight merely shrugged and leisurely began to follow them.

The last few weeks had been incredible for Mary Sue. She had gotten her and Chestnut a much better house just by asking for it. Mr Shakesworthy’s family had dropped her father’s debt just because she asked, her father himself had curbed his drinking all because she asked.

You see the pattern here don’t you?

Everything the mare could possibly want for was as easy to obtain as it was to just ask somepony for it. They wanted for no money as Mary Sue had cut out the middle man. Why use her power to get riches when they could simply acquire the items they would have spent said riches on? Whereas most ponies, if they had been in Mary Sue’s position, would have been out living the high life in Canterlot, Mary Sue had other ideas. She had catching up to do. Around twenty five years of it to be exact.

Chestnut and his daughter had barely parted since the day of her boon. What they did was unimportant to the mare, she was not sharing in her dad’s company simply to engage in a certain activity. Whether they walked, read, drew or listened to some music at the local tavern, the factor keeping Mary sated was always constant. It was her father’s attitude.

It had started at the only logical place. The beginning. Mary Sue had asked her father to read her bedtime stories and sing her to sleep. To stroke her hair while she rested and act as the doting father. She had then regaled him with stories of her life, ones that he had previously ignored, and let him clap his hooves and ask for more. She made him the interested father.

She had let him turn away the throngs of potential suitors Mary Sue received daily and be the protective father. She had let him prepare her meals and wrap his scarf around her neck on cold nights and be the selfless father.

Finally, she had wanted to tell him everything. She had wanted to confide in her father now an appropriate amount of trust had been established. This was a changed stallion and she wanted to clear the air.

But not during this moment. Because this moment was perfect.

Like the other ponies in her town, Mary Sue and her father were sat stargazing underneath the sparkling night sky. Ponies didn’t usually stargaze, no-one was up late enough and they spent most of their day working, but today was different.

The sun should have been up three hours ago; and yet here they were. The only lights in the town were the flickering amber ones of torches, and the moon was still very much high in the sky. No-one could begin their daily jobs in the low visibility so everypony had simply elected to lay out on the village green.

That was a new addition by the way. The village green used to be a large patch of wet, filthy mud with a single sign in the middle that read ‘Depressing’. Mary Sue had decided that the villagers needed a more idyllic pasture and so she had simply strolled into the middle of town and exclaimed ‘Grass!’ at the top of her lungs.

Lo and behold, the next day the small town had an emerald field of the stuff. The mayor had mentioned something about some grass salesponies making him a record bargain of ‘We’ll pay you to take the grass’. So on the grass they were, looking at the anomalous night sky.

Mary Sue specifically was lay with her father. He had one foreleg wrapped around his daughter’s neck and the other was pointing skyward. Chestnut was showing his daughter all of the constellations he knew; which was, surprisingly, quite a lot.

“I never knew you this much about the night sky father,” Mary said, her voice calm and content.

“Oh yes, I’ve always been a bit of an astronomy buff. I considered one day writing a letter to Princess Luna to tell her how much I love the glorious canvas she paints for us. Then again she’s a princess, I bet she wouldn’t have appreciated a letter just to say ‘I’m one of your subjects and I like the night’,” The stallion chuckled.

Luna scowled.

“Why not father?” Mary enquired.

“Well my dear, as I said, she is a Princess. I don’t doubt she has a massive influx of letters of appreciation, she’s probably sick of hearing praise for the night on top of doing all of her duties.”

Luna’s scowl became scowl-ier.

Mary Sue listened while wrinkling her nose slightly.

“Still though father, is it not the right thing to do to inform somepony of your gratitude?” Chestnut considered his daughter’s words.

“I suppose you’re right…as usual,” he added with a grin, however it was one that Mary didn’t return. She was busy pondering her own sentiment. Her life had improved a hundred-fold since receiving her boon, and yet she had not made any effort to thank the princesses for their generosity.

“Father, when the conditions improve I will be heading to Canterlot for the day,” she resolved. Suddenly there was a loud crack in the distance, followed by a large rainbow explosion. Something shot from the ground in a flash of blinding white light and continued upward into the sky.

It was like a shooting star from the ground, and, instead of reaching an apex and falling, it headed straight toward the moon. The object didn’t slow until it hit the silver orb. When everything had returned to normal, the sun began to rise in the horizon. Everypony got up and clapped their hooves at what they presumed was some sort of display for an unknown bank holiday.

The villagers on the green rose steadily and began, albeit reluctantly, to prepare for the day’s chores. The extended night was now over and it was time for business to resume.

“I suppose you’ll be heading off to Canterlot now my dear. However I don’t see how you will make it there before sundown.” Chestnut pointed out.

“Let me take care of that father,” Mary grinned before raising a hoof to her muzzle to let out a high-pitched whistle. It only took a couple of seconds for a golden chariot to appear from behind the clouds that the pegasi were beginning to set up. The guards towing it looked down excitedly at Mary Sue, who was giving her dad a satisfied look.

“See father, easy as pie.”

The ride to Canterlot had been rather uneventful. At one point Mary Sue had decided to ask the guards if there had been any recent developments in Canterlot but they weren’t aware. Apparently they had been waiting on a nearby cloud on the off chance Mary might need transportation for weeks now, never straying more than a hundred metres from her current position.

The earth pony didn’t know whether to feel flattered or violated at that admission. So she chose to go with a nice, only sort of creepy mixture of the two. In fact, when she thought about Mary Sue decided having her very own chauffer service ready at a moment’s notice was hardly a bad…

Something was wrong.

Even from their height, Mary Sue could detect that something was terribly wrong within the city of Canterlot. Ponies littered the streets staring skyward, their expressions ranged from anger, to sorrow, to just blunt shock.

What was most surprising though was that the collective was made up of a variety of classes. There were serfs, the ponies who made enough to live comfortably but not be considered rich, and, most surprisingly, the nobles. For the Canterlot nobility to actually come out and mingle with ponies not of their own class was unprecedented, and therefore Mary Sue knew something earth-shaking must have happened.

She kept gawking as until they touched down. When they did she made her way over to the castle. There was a lot of activity going on from inside. The foundations of the old building were being shaken and loud rumbles were noticeable but not intolerable.

In retrospect, the earth pony would curse herself for not having greater forsight, for not knowing putting two and two together considering that night had been extended for hours this day. But at that moment Mary Sue allowed the unease to simply wash off her. You see, living for a while as a perfect being, one that causes mortal eyes to glaze over in love at your mere presence, one for whom the very world will bend, one whose will is as unchangeable as the earth itself, it changes you.

You stop seeing things as a threat, you stop seeing the potential in events for you to come out worse off the other side. When you stop feeling pain, you don’t even notice when someone is taking your tongue out. So Mary would curse herself one day, but at that moment complacency infected her like something viral, and she allowed the knowledge that nothing was going to affect her swathe her mind and cloud her judgement.

That was why she didn’t bother to ask the stunned Canterlot denizens what was wrong. That was why she didn’t ask a guard why the night had been hours longer than it should have been. This is why she didn't even consider investigating the commotion inside the castle before entering it. That is why she didn’t exercise caution, because Mary Sue knew she’d always be okay

So she merely shrugged, and trotted toward the massive structure.

Author's Notes:

Righty then, the entirety of these flashback sections is now finished, however the whole thing pushed 17 thousand words.
So I'm breaking them into three, each a part of the chapter called 'The Final Ballad', and I'll be releasing the final two over the course of this next couple of weeks.

I know I said the next chapter would conclude Mary's section but it is the opinion of a stellar editorial type gentleman that 17k is just a bit too much. So it'll be an update a week methinks for a bit.

Also, the end of the ballad section isn't the end of the story, we still have to see what happens to Spike.

Many thanks to Flint Sparks for his help in editing the chapter, you guys should check out his page. And if you don't...
Then I'll know.
Because I'm magic.

The Final Ballad Part Two - Crying, Confusion and Coffee.

Mary Sue’s pace had slowed considerably. Getting past the guards had been easy of course. All she had to do was ask and they let her in, promising her an audience with the princess and money and love and sexual favours and devotion and their first born and you get the general idea. It was laughable, she hadn’t even met those guards before and yet they still just let her right in as if she was royalty.

However, upon entering Mary had found the place was deserted. There were no guards patrolling, no palace staff hurrying around, no nobleponies squabbling. There was only that distant rumble. The earth pony had only been in the palace once before, but it had been a bustling hub of activity then, and despite her lack of experience in the grand halls, the difference was enough to get her slow her confident trot to a reserved, cautious walk.

There was an unnerving inconsistency to the walls. Last time Mary Sue had visited, her impressions of the palace were that of a well-kept estate that had a visible, and reassuring age to it. Sure the walls and floors had been spotless, but they had a charming antique quality to them.

However this quality had now seemed to have been taken over by a strange patchwork one. Parts of the palace retained their antiquity, whereas others had the sterilised gleam of brand new material. The effect was almost nauseating and Mary Sue had to stop at irregular intervals to regain her bearings.

The vomit-inducing jigsaw corridors made it much harder for the mare to remember her way around. What was previously a lesiurely stroll became an extended lesson in how not to do orienteering. Eventually, and without any noclipping, Mary found herself once again before the entrance to the expansive throne room.

However, unlike the more subtle changes of the palace halls, the doors were now totally unrecognisable. Gone was the golden door, and in its place was a much smaller, much more modest, much more wooden one. There was no gold in sight, not a single gem was to be found on its dull surface. Much more strangely however, it only depicted one monarch.

The elder alicorn had the two celestial bodies at each hoof. She was suspended by her wings and her head was bowed in a gesture that seemed more modest than grandiose. Considering the show that the two princesses had put on during Mary’s last visit she was surprised that Celestia was even aware the concept of modesty existed. The idea of her displaying it seemed like a jump too far. A bit like when you try to jump over a fence and end up actually escaping the orbit of the planet you had, up until that point, been occupying. That kind of jump.

Mary Sue began to list the oddities that had occurred thus far in an attempt to make sense of it all. There were visible repairs on the castle, the door didn't depict Luna, the night lasted longer and it ended when a Rainbow flash occurred which ended up with something travelling to the moon. Mary considered all of this before it finally clicked. Something had happened, something big.

Could Luna had miscalculated the night’s duration? Could the rainbow flash be just a coincidence? Could the palace merely be in the middle of the world’s most inconsistent renovation? Yes, all of the strange occurrences could very well just be that, strange occurrences all borne from simple causes, all happening to fall on one day.

But it wasn’t very likely. What was likely was that all of this was due to something big, something involving Luna, something that caused this massive damage to the palace, extended the night and caused the nobility to mix with the serfs in their sky-glaring.

Mary Sue started to back away from the door, a thank-you could wait. She needed to go back, wait until things had died down. Wait until news had spread and wait until she was sure she wasn’t going to receive a grief-motivated axe to the face in place of a polite 'You're Welcome'.

Small, quiet hoofsteps back down the hall quickened. Tiptoeing became a trot, and once she had turned around a trot tried to become a gallop. The endeavour was quashed before it could begin though. As soon as she stopped moving backwards like some sort of children's fiction character (Perish the thought!) and oriented herself correctly her muzzle impacted against a soft, fluffy blanket of pure white.

Mary fell back on her haunches and could have sworn that small animated canaries actually phased into existence simply to fly around her head whilst chirping, before bidding this dimension farewell once again. However upon shaking the sense back into her head, Mary knew that was preposterous. This was a world full of magical candy-coloured talking cartoon horses! Nothing ridiculous happened here!

The dazed earth pony looked up, and found that her obstacle was peering down. A vacant looking Celestia towered over her, a small twinge of amusement in the monarch’s eyes held back something infinitely more serious.

Vacant, as well as a much more modest looking monarch it should be stated. Gone were all the gems, gone the mannerisms someone who had just consumed fourteen cans of energy drink before being given a rubber stamp that reads ‘I ARE THE QUEEN!’ and more importantly, gone was that stupid fucking crown.

Celestia was the lesser form of her previous self, a simple golden necklace around her neck, a comparatively insignificant tiara with but one gem. A set of horseshoes that would have been dwarfed by her previous set, and an air of calm contemplation that was one hundred percent absent but a few weeks ago. None of them spoke for a while. Mary was paralysed and made mute by her ignorance of the current situation, whereas Celestia was simply confused.

And moreso, she didn’t really care. Whatever exchange went on between her and Mary Sue would be fleeting, it would be lost in time and forgotten though it would still not make the coming millennia any easier. So why should she care about whatever asinine conversation was about to take place?

“Enjoying the boon… Mary Sue was it? Let me guess though, you’re going by a different name now aren’t you? Allow me to guess perhaps? Shooting Star maybe? Glorious Nebula, Prismatic Shining Hope? Any of these sounding familiar.” Celestia lightly teased without an ounce of humour in her voice.

“Erm… no your majesty, just Mary Sue.” The earth pony said whilst recounting the intricate bow she learned a few weeks prior.

However before she could even get to the street dance/whistling the national anthem part, a hoof on the shoulder stilled her.

“I don’t think that’s necessary now, and Princess is fine. Celestia’s fine too… call me whatever you think I deserve to be called.” Celestia said distantly.

“Deserve, Princess? What do you mean? You’re our ruler, you deserve whatever you think you deserve to be called. I will call you whatever you wish,” Mary asserted, now more than a little worried about the monarch. Her desire to flee the monumentally uncomfortable situation was fighting a losing battle with her worry for the alicorn before her. That alicorn seemed not to be listening, her eyes were fixed upon a cracked glass window a few feet away. It seemed to be one of the very few parts of the castle that was not undamaged or already replaced, and it depicted the royal sisters' triumph against the chaotic serpent Discord.

“What would you call someone who all but killed a Princess?” Mary’s eyes snapped to their widest, and she began stammering uncomfortably,

“I’m sorry princess, I don’t think I-”

“You heard me,” Celestia interrupted softly, yet firmly enough to promptly shut the earth pony up “What would you call someone who all but killed a princess, someone who never helped the pony they loved the most and ground them down. Further and further down until one day, when they finally snap under all of your dead weight. What would you call a person who did all of this, and to insult to injury, will lap up praises and hero-worship like a fat tabby with milk, until and after everyone you know is nothing but ash and dust? What do you call someone who does nothing right, and gets everything at the expense of she who did her job with dignity?”

“I don’t know anypony like that,” Mary immediately replied, pieces of a horrible puzzle beginning to fit into place. Celestia cocked her head toward the smaller pony.

“Then you shouldn’t have any problem answering the… the hypothetical. What would you call them Mary Sue?” The Princess said, this time meeting the mare’s eyes. Mary Sue stuttered far too long for the Princess’ liking, who took a step forward.

“Would you call them a traitor? Would you hate them, and want their head on a pike? Maybe you would want their entrails paraded around in the streets for the serfs to revel in, hmm? Maybe you want their wings bound and broken, pelted with rocks and their horn smashed with house bricks. Put out their eyes with hot pokers and watch them crawl around on the floor, writhing and begging as we can all take out our righteous anger on them, we could make a day of it…” The Princess stopped her rant as soon as she saw Mary Sue fall to the ground and cover her eyes. Celestia felt her throat prickle uncomfortably, and only then did she realise she had been shouting.

Mary shook before the alicorn, a small bundle of fear and confusion. The Princess sighed, not out of anger at Mary Sue, but because she was doing it again. Bearing down on someone with her sheer force of presence. She bent her old limbs and eased herself into a sitting position next to the alabaster earth pony. She draped a wing over Mary’s body, the massive appendage easily covered her.

‘I’m Sorry’ was never said, and this was for many reasons really. The fact that she was sat here, comforting the one she had frightened seemed gesture enough, and she didn’t think speaking was really the best thing right now. However the main reason was that ‘I’m sorry’ was the last thing she had said to her sister. Just before the rainbow beam enveloped the corrupted alicorn to send off to the moon, not to return until everything had changed and forgotten her and everyone she ever called a friend was dead, Celestia had said ‘I’m sorry’.

If saying those words was what Celestia's attempt at conveying her regret at ruining her sister's life, it seemed like this situation was unfitting for the phrase. She didn’t want to the type of pony to offer trite, measly sentiments to her sister, and she didn’t want to be disingenuous to her subjects.

She was probably both.

Mary Sue looked up at Celestia with uncertain eyes. For her part, the monarch sighed, and swept and errant lock of hair off of the smaller pony’s face.

“Call me what you think I deserve to be called,” the alicorn repeated to her silent partner. Mary Sue swallowed her fear.

“Princess,” She began, making sure to emphasise the word, “I came to say thank you for my boon. It has improved my life more than I ever imagined.”

The first smile Mary could describe as genuine appeared on Celestia’s face.

“I’m glad to hear it my little pony, not many ponies come back to thank me when the boon is done. But it's Luna you should be...” Celestia faltered after realising what she had just said. Not again. She didn’t want to have to tell anypony, not again. Not hear things like ‘Traitor’ and ‘Usurper’ said about her sister, not Luna. However, Mary Sue was not a stupid mare.

“Are you sure Princess?” the white pony urged. Celestia replied with a teary smile,

“No,” she choked out, “Maybe it can wait.”

The two of them sat there together, and the hall felt a bit bigger than it had done before.

“Now just one more dearie,” Rarity cooed to a disgruntled Applejack.

Once the fashionista got her drunk friend in the house, she had gone into full-on doting mode. Firstly, she drew a lukewarm bath and cleaned the farmer up, making sure to give the (adult, it should be mentioned) mare a small rubber duck to play with, who humiliatingly squealed in a fit of drunken delight that would have been adorable if it weren’t so unbelievable embarrassing for everyone in the room who wasn’t either totally wankered or in mummy-mode. By which I mean Twilight.

It was embarrassing for her. And no one else.

AJ had been immediately clad in a bib and sat at the table after a gentle towel dry. A plate of two apple fritters was placed in front of AJ who began munching happily. Rarity had stroked her mane and whispered gentle words of encouragement… and then the saga of the coffee had begun.

The saga of the coffee was an odd chapter of Ponyville history that no doubt foals would one day sing about, probably. At first it was a cup of coffee. Not too surprising at all really considering this was ‘The Saga of the Coffee’. If someone were to ask you, what would be a surprising thing to happen in ‘The Saga of the Coffee?’, ‘Someone having a cup of coffee’ would likely not be your reply.

So Rarity had given Applejack a nice cup of coffee, all the while encouraging her charge to drink up. Then came another cup of coffee, but black this time. No milk, no sugar, none of that foam stuff on the top that you always think will taste a lot nicer than it actually does. Nope.

Just a big cup of coffee, blacker than Rarity’s ‘Alone Time Cloak’. Applejack had downed that, and although she seemed to enjoy it a loss less than her much sweeter previous cup, she was slurring less. Her eyes had also stopped rolling into the back of her head, so you can't really doubt progress.

But then came the raw coffee… on a big wooden spoon… and Rarity wanted Applejack to eat it. At this point in the saga, Twilight, the voice of reason or spoilsport depending on which singing foal you were going by, decided to get involved.

“Rarity, I really don’t think that’s going to help,” she asserted.

“Twilight darling, just how much experience do you have nursing a hangover? And no, that time you got drunk of sparkling water Shining Armour told you was wine does not count,” Rarity replied without missing a beat.

“The placebo effect is a well-documented scientific phenomenon! And furthermore… you know what forget it. What I do have is an extensive knowledge of drugs such as alcohol’s effects on brain chemistry and I know that what Applejack needs is just a rest. All of these extra chemicals won’t help.”

Rarity looked at her for a moment before immediately barking with some very unrefined laughter. She soon corrected herself though and giggled girlishly into a hoof. Much to Twilight’s chagrin she was sure she heard the phrase ‘Oh my, how quaint’.

“I’m sorry dearie,” Rarity said once she had gotten her laughs in control, “But this is what I always do when I’ve ‘indulged’ a bit too much. A few cups of coffee would do her fine but if we want to get out and find the others we’re going to have to be quick. Ergo…” the spoon full of coffee was gestured too with a quick flare of Rarity’s magic “…Drastic measures,”

“Rarity I really have to put my hoof down here,” Twilight said. Rarity gave her an indescribable look, before setting down the spoon on Applejack’s plate.

“I see,” the two of them carried on with their staring before Rarity quickly added, “Applejack darling, that spoon has apple flavoured coffee on it,”

Twilight didn’t even have time to shout the word ‘no’ before Applejack grabbed the spoon and ingested its contents. The farmer grimaced at the bitter taste but did not spit out the coffee. She swallowed before emitting a gurgle and setting her head down on the table.

“There we go sweetie, one more of those and you’ll be right as rain!” Rarity said proudly.

“Are you my momma?” Applejack croaked in a haze that could have been caused by alcohol or a lethal caffeine overdose. Rarity brought her hoof to her chin and considered this before replying ‘Yes!’ with a thoroughly satisfied disposition.

“No Rarity, I can’t allow this to continue.” Twilight snapped, and before Rarity could grab the coffee tin Twilight snatched it out of her reach. Rarity gave her a blank look for a couple of seconds. Her eyes turned to the tin in Twilight’s magical grasp.

“You of all unicorns know you about the finer points of telekinesis Rarity.” Twilight began, “You can’t take anything that’s in my grasp, even if it’s just a tin.” The element of magic said with barely contained smugness. Rarity might know more about drinking, but magic was her area of expertise-

Why was the coffee tin suddenly lighter?

Twilight looked up to see Rarity levitating all of the actual coffee from the tin. The coffee that Twilight didn’t bother to… grasp… oh hell.

“You’re right Twilight, I can’t get that tin off you. Whatever will I do now?” Rarity deadpanned in a tone more sarcastic than a… erm? A really sarcastic bloke.

Twilight was quick on the retort though, and immediately grasped all the cutlery in the kitchen. Everywhere from the table to the draws were pilfered.

“You might have the coffee Rarity, but you’d never feed her without a spoon would you? That’s too likely to cause a mess.” Twilight smirked.

“I could just feed her with my magic Twilight, it’s not like she can get my magic dirty… is it?” Rarity tried and failed to cover her uncertainty.

“Are you willing to take that chance?” The friendship student grinned. Rarity’s cheeks reddened and puffed as her temper rose. However as soon as the anger became visible. It retreated and was replaced with a look of malevolent calm.

“Wow, your right Twilight,” she said. The purple pony’s eye twitched.

“I should have listened two you’re advice. I really overstepped the mark their,” She said while inspecting one of her immaculate hooves casually.

“Hold on wait, that was wrong… no wait don’t” Twilight begged.

“Its amasing you where able too picc up on that Twilite,” Twilight fell to the ground and covered her ears.

“That was a verbal, out-loud sentence. How is speaking in typos even possible, and more to the point why can I hear it?!” She shouted. In her delirium the unicorn dropped a couple of pieces of cutlery. Rarity spied her wooden spoon falling, and wasted no time in immediately seizing it and piling it with coffee.

“Now just one more dearie,” Rarity cooed to a disgruntled looking Applejack, who eyed the spoonful warily.

“You sure this is apple flavoured?” she slurred at her carer. Rarity considered this and then replied,

“Would momma lie?” Applejack racked her brains, and decided this off-white coated, purple maned unicorn of only a couple of years her senior was definitely her biological mother, and therefore swallowed the intimidating mountain of caffeine with no complaints. Rarity smiled proudly and Twilight managed to audibly roll her eyes. She dropped the cutlery which was rather impressively caught by the fashionista before it hit the ground.

“Do you realise what that’s going to do her?!” Twilight shouted. Rarity didn’t seem to listen though and simply gestured with a hoof.

“Wait Twilight, look,” Applejack began shaking on her seat. Her trembles became more and more noticeable until her plate began to clatter. And then, just before it passed physiologically impossible and ventured into ‘Early 20th Century Cartoon visual gag’, the shaking stopped.

Applejack looked at Twilight, then Rarity, then her surroundings, then her bib. She tore the offending item off and immediately placed her hat back atop her blonde-maned head.

“Thanks fer the pick-me-up Rares, now are we gonna be off to find the others?” she said in a voice so sober that all the alcohol in Rarity kitchen actually went down by 2% proof. Rarity grinned, whereas Twilight’s jaw hit the floor, broke through and began a fascinating excursion of the local worm residences.

“How. On. Earth. Did that-”

“Country cures Twilight,” Rarity interrupted, “Much like Pinkie sense, just ‘Roll with it’ as ponies say. No-one really knows why precisely 231 grams of Ponyville coffee cures any hangover or drunkenness but… here we are.”

“My God, sometimes all of you are so scientifically impossible. I hate scientifically impossible things,” Twilight began, her stern disposition being betrayed by a small grin and the odd chuckle, “Now all huddle round me while I telekinetically levitate our bags and teleport us outside with my magical powers.” Applejack and Rarity complied and the trio were gone in a magenta flash, each more ready than ever to find their friends.

“I never did speak to subjects in that preposterous voice again, I used normal words as well. I didn’t wear that laughable regalia you saw me in Spike. I acted like a Princess for the first time, in the longest time.” Celestia had her head down as she talked to the dragon, who kept a respectful silence.

“All it took for me to care again, for me to do my job and stop my subjects living in filth, to consider them my equals and not subordinates was for me to destroy the one I loved the most. I eventually let my advisors shirk all blame onto her and let her name die out as a traitor. And no matter how many times I tried to convince people of Luna’s innocence, those forked tongued advisors would be there, telling the public of my grief-stricken delirium making me speak lies. I attempted to focus on other things, like trying to let people forget my sister rather than remember her as a monster, a monster she never was.

I poured money into night related activities, passed legislation on 24 hour businesses. Championed astronomy. Monuments and legends and useless, useless things to try and get them to see her as I did… You know information very few are privy to Spike, and it’s not because I need any sympathy,” She took a moment to gently brush Luna’s hoof from her shoulder, “But because everything I do is my sentence. I make up for my failures by being who I am.” Spike was speechless,

“Princess, why are you telling me this?” Celestia's head quivered slightly and her look hardened.

“Because to show you the story of Mary Sue you needed to be shown me on that day, I thought the context would help, that is all,” before anyone could press the matter the images eased back to life and the conversation was considered closed.

“So you say you’ve enjoyed your boon?” Celestia enquired. Mary’s head snapped up, the two of them had remained in a contemplative silence for the last few minutes. The sudden question took the smaller pony by surprise.

“Oh yes Princess.” She replied with a wide smile.

“Hmm, I suppose having ponies fawn after you must be a good way of living,” Celestia said. She seemed absentminded and fairly melancholy. Mary decided it was better this way though. She did not know what had happened between the two sisters exactly, but she could hazard a guess. Much better to continue with innocuous nattering to distract the alicorn from her problems, if even just for a bit.

“Well, I can’t say I don’t enjoy the extra attention,” the mare giggled, “However this is not the reason I felt so moved to come and give thanks today,”

“Oh?” Celestia replied. Her voice was soft, and slightly detached. It reminded Mary Sue of the aimless, hovering feeling of being in a dream, and maybe this was apt. Celestia would have to wake up to cold truths soon

“It’s my father. He used to be such a selfish, awful stallion before this magic took hold,” Mary gushed.

“Awful, my little pony? How was your father awful?” Celestia enquired,

“He was selfish your majesty. I would have to provide everything for us on my clerk’s wage. He would never listen to me. He got the two of us into an awful debt with the one of the local merchant families with his constant consumption of ale. But worst of all of this, he never appreciated me. Never treated me like a father should his daughter.”

“And I suppose you’ve been getting your own back?” Celestia laughed lightly,

“Oh no Princess. He’s been ever so attentive since the boon took hold. My main use of the magic, if not my only real use has been building the relationship I’ve always dreamed with him. We’ve made such progress,” Mary replied happily.

Celestia froze. It wasn’t her choice really, and it wasn’t Mary’s. It was also neither of their faults, just an unfortunate outcome of the dream, but it was time to stop dreaming.

“Mary, how long have you been away from your father?”

“I took a sky chariot this time. I never knew how much of the journey it managed to cut off, but we got here in just three quarters of an hour. Of course the stallions were working harder than usual considering-”

“How long have you been away from your father Mary?” Celestia urged again, causing the earth pony to uncertainly reply.

“Well, in total I’d say about an hour, maybe an hour-ten at the most,” Celestia looked at the pony like she had two heads.

"Have you finished with your relationship building then. You now have closure, yes? This is you letting go?"

"What?!" Mary Sue spluttered, "No Princess, I came to say thank-you. Then I plan on getting home to continue my relationship building." There was a moment of unbearably tense silence. Something seemed to click in Celestia's eyes

“You need to get back home Mary Sue. You need to get back now,” the princess said urgently.

“Wait, why? I don’t understand.”

“After an two hours of being over a mile away from someone will make them forget you Mary, if you don’t get back he’s going to forget who you are,”

“Why would that be a part of the boon?” Mary yelled.

“It’s a precaution, we can’t have everyone who ever meets you fauning over you for the rest of their life. Did Luna honestly not tell you any of this? We always warn people with regards to this type of boon.”

"I definitely wasn't told..." the earth pony trailed off, and her blood began to feel like ice water. Luna had meant to tell her something. Before Celestia had crashed the conversation with all the subtlety of hot pink hearse complete with large speakers playing Blood on the Dance Floor on a loop, Luna had said there was a further warning she needed to give. Mary had left that hall when the sisters started arguing. What warnings exactly did Mary Sue miss. There could have been all manner of side effects and technicalities about the magic she had allowed to alter her body that she wasn't even aware of.

“Hold on I don’t understand!” Mary babbled desperately in the hope that if she made sense of this out loud, it might stop the situation before it began, “My father knew I was his daughter when we met, he was just different to me,” Celestia paused and considered this for a moment.

“My only guess could be that Luna knew you wanted your father to appreciate you. You wanted that as your boon at first didn’t you, before I…” Celestia faltered before moving on, “Maybe she worked that into the spell as an extra clause. But think Mary, did anyone else know you, did anyone else really know you? Or did they just love you Mary?” The gears visibly grinded in Mary’s head before a cold sense of realisation spread in her gut.

“But surely if Luna worked that into the spell then… would it matter if I left my father for two hours?” she said, her tone fervent and pleading. Celestia didn’t reply, she was opening up the cracked stained-glass window.

"I don't know," the alicorn eventually muttered. Mary Sue resisted her urge to shout indignantly considering who's presence she was in, “I can’t promise your father won’t forget you just like everypony else when you’re away. I couldn’t save my sister, but I can maybe save you,” Celestia said while undoing the various catches holding the window in place. “Today I can stop being the ruler that does nothing while her people are in pain, now get on my back,”

“…What?!” Mary cried.

“You heard me, I can fly faster than any chariot. Even if it's just by a little, you could do with the help. Now get on,” Mary walked up to the ruler and visibly tried to fathom a way to mount the princess (Oh come on now). This went on until Celestia decided levitating her on with a sharp eye-roll was the most efficient option. The princess undid the last few catches and the window flew open. The alicorn walked up to it and peered out over the sheer drop below.

“You always cared a lot more about them than me sister. If I’m raising your moon, doing your nightly duties then I need to learn from you, consider this the start of that. I’m doing the right thing, just like you would. I’m sorry for everything,” Celestia muttered like a prayer, before throwing herself and Mary out into the sharp alpine air.

“After what happened with Mary Sue, we did some research into this particular type of boon spell, Spike. We found something interesting,” Celestia said as her past counterpart pumped her wings in front of them.

“And what was that?” Spike croaked, his mouth uncomfortably dry.

“The nature of the spell is totally dependent on its recipient. That’s why Mary’s was much stronger than yours. Your resentment had been building for a while, however hers’ had defined her entire life. The love and appreciation she craved dwarfed your own. That’s why your friends would have the most adverse reaction to the spell, because you didn’t really have anything against the Ponyville residents did you? Nothing major anyway. Not like you did against Twilight and the others. But this is still nothing like Mary’s deep anger against the whole world. She had been mistreated by her father for such a very long time that she was convinced she needed the fanatical love of everypony."

There was a moment of shared silence in the trio, almost to mourn the poor, lost, deluded mare's mistakes.

"That's not all we found you know," Spike silently urged the princess to continue, and uttered a tiny ‘What?’ after the pause grew too long for his liking.

“It’s rather bound by the laws of the saying ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’. Every time forget and are reintroduced to you, it increases the effect of the spell by an order of magnitude. It would be minor in your case, at first. You’d probably have to meet and re-meet somepony several times for it to even reach the strength of Mary’s first incarnation of the spell. It would be easier with your friends obviously, but still not like Mary. What you are about to see is the second time she was introduced to everypony, the effect increased by several times… the results were worrying.”

“Why does being away from someone make the spell stronger?” Spike enquired. His reply was issued by Luna this time.

“We called it the trade-off. We make someone love you more as compensation for them forgetting you. No matter how much Celestia sings my praises Spike, we were both irresponsible back then. We didn’t consider just how bad these boons could turn out. Most people who took a boon like Mary Sue's were just like you, just having a bad time and wanted more ponies to appreciate them. They weren't like Mary. Not that far gone.

It takes a certain type of pony to do something worthy of claiming a boon. Someone suitably bold and brave. An adventurous rough and tumble type. Mary wasn't one of these ponies. Her catching of the blue tail bandit was nothing more than fluke spurred by anger. These adventurous ponies were never as maltreated as Mary. By virtue of their personalities even the most overlooked commanded a certain degree of respect. Not like that poor mare. We’d never considered just how jaded Mary was. Because she’d spent her entire life getting walked all over, too meek to speak out, the spell went haywire in its strength.

Celestia filled me in on just how powerful this particular boon really is earlier today. We didn’t know just how much it could affect ponies. It turned the elements of harmony into a bickering group of foals earlier today and your boon is dwarfed by Mary’s. We'd never seen the affects of the spell strengthened properly.

I added the trade-off without thinking it would be used. Back then, you were either a traveller or not, Spike. The ponies who had received a boon like Mary's either stayed in their village or wandered the land. But they rarely encountered the same pony twice. That trade-off almost never came into effect." Luna bowed her head for a moment, as if recovering the explanation.

“What happened sister?” Luna asked nervously, "I only ever saw the trade-off in affect once, all it did was make the ponies around the boon-carrier think he was more enamouring, but certainly nothing dangerous. Just how bad was Mary's effect on them,"

If Celestia heard her sister, she didn't really show it. Here eyes were fixed, brimming with awe, on the images coming to life around them

“I’d never seen anything like it,” she muttered.

Celestia had unfortunately been right when she said she could be only a little faster than a chariot. The journey had felt longer to Mary Sue, though that could have easily been due to the discomfort of riding the princess bareback (you can do better than that) or the feeling of sick worry sitting like a tepid puddle in her stomach.

After an unfairly long wait, the two of them eventually came to a hover above the small village. Mary Sue began to frantically gesture to her house. Celestia squinted in the direction of Mary's hoof-waving.

“It’s the mud hut Princess, that mud hut there! That mud hut Princess!”

“Which mud hut?” The Princess snapped, “We are hovering above a veritable mud hut metropolis for pony’s sake!”

“Drop the girl,” came a rough stallion’s voice from the right. Mary and her steed turned to see the earth pony’s chariot bearer’s from before. Their nostrils were flared and their wings were snapped out the fullest possible extension, coming into a show position of span before every lazy flap. It almost looked like they were preparing for a fight. But of course that was ridic-

“Don’t make this into a fight alicorn,” one of them spat.

Oh.

“Alicorn?!” Celestia replied incredulously.

“Princess, it’s me, they’re not themselves,” Mary urged to deaf ears.

“Listen to me soldiers. I am your ruler, and after last night I am in no mood to indulge your silly little crush. So you will listen to me, and you will stand down,” no sooner had the words left Celestia’s mouth when two heavy pony’s came ramming into her. Her flank endured the full force of their rock hard skulls and Mary was sent hurtling toward the ground.

The shrieking wind stole her screams and her spinning obscured the princess’ dogfight. Her position shifted, the princess became a distant dot in her periphery and the floor raced up to meet her. Then it happened again, she lurched in the air. The spin stole the ground from her view and her eyes burned in the glare of the sun. Before she could splatter against the ground in a way remeniscent of a small dog thrown into a combine harvester however, a pair of hooves knocked the wind from her and she felt herself being carried downwards.

When she touched down the first chariot-bearer wasted no time in straightening her mane and asking her a barrage of questions. ‘Are you alright dearest?’ ‘Did we do well?’. Mary regarded him with disgust and shoved him with both hooves.

“Get away from me,” she shrieked. He looked confused for a moment, before shaking it off and starting to trot toward her. However he was interrupted as Celestia’s formidable form smashed down between he and the temptress. The unconscious form of his comrade was under her wing, and her eyes were a terrifying, blazing white.

“In a time not nearly far gone, I would have executed somepony for a tenth of this,” the monarch snarled, before firing a grey beam into the guard’s chest. The stallion fell into the dirt and Mary Sue feared the worst, which was until she heard snores coming from the pegasus.

“Do you know the way home from here?” Celestia yelled as she began to prepare for the inevitable throng of peasants investigating the commotion.

“Yes, I don’t think it’s far,” Mary hastily replied. She took the hint and began to gallop down the alley that lead to her hut, ignoring or just point blank not registering Celestia’s yell for her to wait. Before she could head down the alley she found her path blocked by several ponies.

Several, wide-eyed, insanely grinning ponies.

“She’s beautiful,” one of them said in a tone that was half-mystified and half-seething. They began their advance.

“Erm, please move?” Mary said. The two equines seemed to struggle visibly with the question. A confounding paradox that made no sense to hear. Why was she telling them to move? She was their one true love, and they hers. Why didn’t she want to embrace them as they did her?

Mary would one day curse herself her short-sightedness, for ignorance and complacency. She’d curse herself for so many things, and this was one of them. She’d curse herself for not knowing what sort of magic coursed through her veins, for knowing next to nothing about it.

Because if she’d known something about it then she would have known that everytime she got a pony to do her bidding, an internal battle was being fought. She’d know everypony had to fight their own urges to try and take Mary for their own, and fight them with their desire to do anything she wanted.

Mary would have known that at this level of strength, asking them to do anything was asking them to leave her proximity for even a second, and that was simply impossible for ponies so enamoured. Mary didn’t know these things, and so she didn’t know why her two antagonists began advancing on her instead of doing what she asked,

Celestia did know however, and Celestia knew enough about the spell to be aware that Mary was a heartbeat away from being a part of the world's best visual demonstration of the phrase 'Love Hurts'. She knew what was going to happen, and that was why she didn’t wait to pump her wings. The gust that the massive appendages created stirred the bodies of the slumbering guards but did not wake them. Celestia shot like a bullet and covered the distance in less than a second. Her hooves wrapped around the mare's body and they took off into the sky once more.

Mary screamed various pleas for release, assuming her captor to be some very large, very enamoured pegasus. Celestia shouted at the mare to be quiet and open her eyes but the wind masked her words. The commotion was too risky, in fact the monarch could already see several pegasi beginning to notice the hubbub. Everypony who looked up began to wince, a few looked around in desperation, trying to find the source of the unbearable buzzing noise that rang in their ears.

It was hard to see from their current altitude, but Celestia could have sword cartoon hearts overtook their eyes, and their chests ballooned out to absurd proportions. In fact, maybe if a few of their heads became those of wolves, and they each emitted a howl while stamping their feet then the whole word would just shrug, accept facts and become the stupid black and white cartoon this was all rapidly turning into.

Celestia’s horn lit up and she opened Mary’s eyes for her. The mare blinked rapidly against the sunlight. Her pupils shrunk to pinpricks and they darted around desperately, arriving far too late on Celestia's stern face. She smiled apologetically while Celestia just sighed and deposited the siren on her back. There was no use getting angry now. To the deluded folk below, the scene was not their princess helping one of her subjects. It was a beast stealing their beloved away, and this was something they were prepared to fight against.

In fact, the airbourne among the zombies were already beginning to do so. Their wings were paltry in comparison to Celestia’s but still they climbed, and the princess couldn’t ascend forever. Her horn flared up with a rich golden light and the earth pony gasped as the sounds of rushing wind and shouting from below were silenced. Every little thing that was insignificant before felt amplified. Her own heartbeat, the prickle of cold on her coat and the feeling of the princess between her legs (this needs to stop).

“Mary Sue, direct me to your house now, it’s very important you are quick.” Mary nodded before gesturing with her hooves.
“It’s that one there, a hut. In fact I think it’s one of the best in town, we upgraded after I got my boon. It’s the cleanest in town, and a lot bigger than the others.” Celestia’s eyes narrowed as she scanned the village beneath them. This became harder every second due to the monarch’s constant gaining of altitude. With each wing flap they ascended and the town became smaller.

“That one there?” Celestia asked, her horn creating a small beacon on the corresponding abode,

“Close, just a few to the right, it’s just a bit bigger than that other one,” Mary replied.

“There?” the princess repeated the procedure and was met with a vigorous nod, “Okay then.”

Celestia began to beat her wings to get across. They were approaching being directly above her house. But the monarch still devoted half her energy to climbing higher, and the air was so much thinner up here. The whole process felt agonisingly slow compared to their speed merely five minutes prior.

“Mary, I’m going to drop down in a moment. This will build momentum and allow us to meet the pegasi. They are going to ram me, do you understand, and you will fall.” Mary’s pupil’s shrank as she took in the information. “However, your power does not just apply to ponies. You can bend the world if you will it. Trust me when I say, if you do not will to fall to your demise, then it will not happen. However, as scared as you might be, you cannot let one of these drones get ahold of you. The moment one of them even makes contact you kick, do you understand, you kick and do everything to get them off.

Your father was the last pony you had contact with before you left for Canterlot. I do not know exactly when you left, but if you can salvage anyone's memory it will be his. I can’t promise you he hasn’t already forgotten, but this is the quickest way to get to him. No more running, we're going to have to fall now. ”

“Princess, why are you doing all of this?” Mary said with a quiver in her voice.

“Helping my subjects is my job my little pony... It took something awful for me to learn that,” the two of them stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds, and then it happened.

Celestia’s wings snapped back to her sides and they were held aloft for a second and then they were falling and the spell wore off and the wind rushed and the screams of the villagers shocked her to her senses and everything was suddenly slow.

The first pegasus rammed into Celestia’s side, if it hurt she did not show it. Then the second came, then the third and then the fourth, then the seventh then the tenth and then the fifteenth. Whatever small chance Mary had at staying atop Celestia were reduced to nil within seconds, and as the monarch had predicted Mary was knocked into the air.

The earth pony reached out for the princess. There was no slow-mo period when their hooves almost touched. No, Celestia was far too busy fending off the drooling slaves to Mary’s boon for that. The siren simply reached, missed and then she was falling faster and farther than she’d ever fell before.

The Final Ballad Part Three - All Good Things...

Pinkie had a hoof around Applejack's neck. She was always hugging somepony or other, and today was no exception. Rarity was chatting to Twilight, while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were flying together. They swooped and arced, making complexly choreographed manoeuvres look easy.

The six were together again, each chatting, flying and embracing. Except...

Except something wasn't quite right. Fluttershy and Dash weren't so much 'Flying' as they were 'Viscously Dogfighting'. That whole 'Chat' thing that was going on between Rarity and Twilight, well it was much more of a bitter argument. Finally, it wasn't really accurate to call what Pinkie was doing to AJ 'Hugging'. 'Attempted murder via asphyxiation' was a much safer bet.

And all the while, a tall, muscular white dragon stood among them, pinching the bridge of his nose and slowly shaking his head. Everytime he dared to look at the battle-royale, embarrassment would force his head right back into his claw.

"How did it get to this again?" Spike asked himself. No divine voice of wisdom answered his query. He merely shrugged, and started away from the brawling elements of harmony.

A white mare was looking down at her. Her mane was a deep, eye-catching crimson. What she was saying was muffled, and her face was blurred. It was like watching someone talk while you were underwater. There was another pony too, a brown stallion with a mane that matched his coat. He too said something in that intelligible, burbling murmur. The two of them stopped looking down at Mary, and although no specific words could be made out it was clear they were arguing.

The muffled exclamations grew more strained. She could almost make out defined expressions behind the warped masks the two ponies wore. It wasn't long before the mare, her mother, left. Mary's mother left again, she came back later though. But one day after that, she would go and not return. Probably a day soon.

Mary couldn't tell, there were too many days and too many memories, each obscured and edited by the passage of time and her own grief-stricken psyche. Her mother flew the nest. She flew like Mary, they were both falling and flying while everything span out of control.

Her mother flew and Mary was falling, and so Mary snapped out of the daydream.

A winged mare aligned herself with the earth pony and tried to slip forelegs around her midriff. Mary wanted nothing more than to let those hooves grab her and stop that unrelenting downward travel, but what the princess said stuck in her mind. If she had any chance of getting to her father in time, an endeavour whose chances were likely already spent, then down was the best way for it.

Mary, against all better judgement, turned around to be snout to snout with the pegasus, who looked like she’d just won seven simultaneous lotteries. Mary bunched her hindlegs up, allowing her the space to kick out with them. Straight into the mare’s stomach. Her assailant was clearly winded, but did not fall to Mary’s relief. However she did have more pressing matters at the moment. Namely the ground, which was getting alarmingly close. She scrunched her eyes and remembered what Celestia had said.

She didn’t want to hit the ground and die, she willed against it. She poured everything into her resolve not to be dashed across the ground and burst in a way not unlike the world’s most horse-shaped watermelon. Then it was like she never was falling in the first place. She was lying on a white cloud that had come out of nowhere.

Mary got to her hooves and shook her senses back. A quick look up at the sky revealed several pegasi were taking a break from tussling with the princess in favour of hurtling to her at speeds of stool-loosening terror. Huh, fancy that.

Mary peered over the edge of the cloud and decided to put this to the test, it had worked once so logic would dictate, it would do it again. She focused on her desire not to fall, she focused on the wish for more clouds to give her a path. She focused on-

“HAVE MY FOALS!” Screamed a random pegasus stallion. Inner monologues took too much time. Mary jumped…

And sure enough she landed on another cloud. She had fallen about 75 yards and yet the plush surface nullified any harm that one would normally experience from falling from such a height. More clouds began to congregate, forming a small platform path down to her home.

Mary let out a laugh before descending the 13.5 tog stairway. Every time a pegasus would attempt to grab her from a cloud perch, she’d have already jumped, and added to this a strong wind that made her antagonists’ jobs a lot harder. What luck.

Mary was about seven clouds from the ground now. She jumped down to her next one, but instead of landing upon a fluffy surface the mare felt the wind being knocked out of her as a rabidly salivating mare made a grab for her. Mary instinctively kicked but found she couldn’t make contact. The young pony had failed to make proper contact with Mary Sue. Her hooves scratched against the tempress' coat, but they didn't succeed in scooping Mary up, as was the initial plan.

What she had succeeded in doing though was knocking Mary just far enough off course to prevent her from reaching the cloud. Within a second she had gone from stable to falling again. She tried to focus on wanting another cloud but the wind silenced her thoughts. The impact with the pegasus had given her a headache and she was so very tired. It was hard to think, it was hard to concentrate.

Mary tried a last desperate grab and her hooves made contact with the second cloud down. Her forelegs were nearly wrenched from their sockets as she suddenly swung forwards. The momentum threw her and she arced underneath the cloud. Said momentum was temporarily shifted forwards rather than down, but it was too strong.

Mary landed on the final cloud and slid, the force from her swing carrying her forward still. She fell the ten metres from the last cloud to the roof of her house. There was no fluffy steed to float her down. What there was was her body, the wind beating against her too weak to slow the descent, and that roof. The roof either ran up to embrace her or she rushed to it, either was more and less likely and the whole world’s spin became a nonsensical, nausea-inducing tribute to vertigo.

Her last ten metres were uncomfortable ones. The screech of the air somehow sounded louder and no amount of eye scrunching stopped the pain when her body hit the mud roof. There was a crack, she hoped it was architectural rather than physical, and nothing else happened for a few seconds.

The roof shifted slightly. Her wish was granted and the crack revealed itself to have originated from her current foothold. There was still a little time. There was always a little time to look up and deliriously smile at the scene of pegasi, all worriedly looking at her, and an alicorn who shouted something Mary couldn’t hear. The whole thing had a strange serenity to it and Mary felt delirious again. A weak smile, a hoof raised to the air, words she spoke with no conscious thought, ones she didn’t even hear herself…

And then the roof fell in.

When her eyelids peeled open, they snapped shut immediately against the offensive glare of the sun. It was shining in from what appeared to be a substantial hole in the ceiling. She groaned and wished more than anything that the room would darken again. A cloud wasted no time in depositing itself over the hole and sealing it.

Mary muttered a thanks to nopony in particular and began to rise to her hooves. The room she currently occupied was empty of ponies but heavy on lavish furniture. The earth pony stood now, however as soon as she went to take a step she swayed. Everything was thrown out of equilibrium and she had to steady herself on a nearby dresser.

She went to walk again, this time slowly and more deliberately. The sway was present but very reduced, and with every step she took the feeling of swampy motion sickness decreased.

“Hello?” she shouted. The house didn’t reply, nor did any potential occupants.

“Is anypony there?” she yelled, more desperately this time. There was stir from her bedroom. Mary’s ear flicked and she cautiously started towards the door. A single hoof prodded the varnished wooden surface and the door opened with a slow, deliberate creak.
Inside was Chestnut Sue, his back was to his daughter. She could not see what he was doing, but she could hear his ragged breathing, like wind croaking through a rusty tin can. Waiting and uncertainty were luxuries that even someone like Mary couldn’t afford. She opened her mouth to say his name, and the opportunity was stolen from her.

There was a cry of 'She's in there', and a terrible banging erupted all around them. Mary looked around frantically, they were trying to get in. The disturbance shook Chestnut from his current activity and he too began to look around. His eyes appeared surprised until they came to rest on his daughter.

His brow was sweaty and he was panting like somepony who had just finished a run. His mouth opened and closed several times as if to say something. His expression was one of frustration and desperation. Memories visibly fought with the influence from Mary’s boon in his eyes. In his hoof he was holding a small portrait of himself and his daughter.

Mary had gotten the keepsake from a local painter shortly after her boon was granted. It depicted nothing more than the two of them, broadly grinning, and Chestnut was now holding it so tightly it looked as if the frame might shatter at any moment.

“I know…” he began, almost choking on the words, “I know I’m supposed to know who this is. I know I’m supposed to know you.” He looked at the portrait again, and then one more time. There was a moment of silence, save for the pounds coming from the walls and the scrapes on the roof.

“Why don’t I know who this is?!” Chestnut screamed.

“Father…” Mary sobbed, his eyes snapped to hers.

“I don’t have a daughter… no you’re my… what?! I didn't think... have any children?” He rubbed his temples, trying to stifle the sharp buzzing noise he heard. The banging outside was getting louder. Mary could detect the distinct sound of hooves clawing at their front door. Fluffy sounding swooshes from above indicated pegasi were chipping away at the cloud covering the roof hole.

Every now and again a hoof or an eye would appear at the window. Each frantic looking, she could see hooves striking out in every and any direction. The eyes had hideously shrunken irises, with small red blood vessels grasping at every area of the whites. And through all of this, her father’s pained wails and the noises of his hooves beating uselessly against his ears permeated every bang, scratch and frantic grunt.

“Father don’t,” Mary began to cry. She ran to the stallion, who was almost toppling with the way he swayed and stumbled. She wrapped her forelegs around him in a tender embrace. Their eyes met and for a moment all was still. He smiled for a second and she could have sworn he mouthed ‘Mary’. However the stillness didn’t last.

The stallion groaned suddenly and slipped from her hooves, Mary’s cries of 'father' didn’t stop his writhing though. His shakes and grasps didn’t stop him trying to plug his ears with his hooves or his screaming. No matter how hard she wished, no matter how hard she focused on her desire for the father to get up and be okay again or for the terrible banging and scratching of her fellow villagers outside to stop, nothing did.

By the time her father had stopped his tortured contortions, Mary had already retreated to a corner of the room to weep in desperation. The stallion looked around and his eyes fell on the small form of Mary. He had that same look everypony else had been giving her. A terrifying juxtaposition between captivation and what seemed like insane rage, with the most sickening smiles she had ever been witness to.

“You’re beautiful,” he said menacingly “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so beguiling.” He started towards her and not even her crying stayed his movements.

“No father, not you too,” she wailed, “You have to remember,”

“Remember what? I assure you, had I ever met someone as perfect as you my dear, it would not be an encounter I soon forgot.”

“No, no no no no,” Mary shook her head and tried to wipe the tears away, but every time she looked up she would see the utter lack of recognition in her father’s eyes, and the crying would start again. The tears blurred her vision and stung her eyes, and they just wouldn't stop falling. Everything he said something about her being some sort of enrapturing stranger made her whole body rack with stomach churning sobs.

A single, very loud bang shook the foundations of the house. Chestnut Sue stopped as if woken from a daydream. He looked around at the walls, and his ears flicked every time there was a noise indicating somepony trying to gain entry to the house. There must have been the best part of a hundred ponies out there now, and each of them was desperately trying to get to this beautiful mare who so 'erroneously' claimed she knew Chestnut.

“Oh, I think I know now,” he smiled, Mary stopped crying for a second. She wiped her eyes and prayed that her father might have come to his senses.

“No matter how beautiful you are my love, there are many ponies who want to gaze upon your resplendent form.” He strode over to Mary and she bolted up towards the door. In her distressed state though, she wasn’t fast enough to escape her father’s right forehoof being slung around one shoulder.

“I’m not a selfish pony my dear,” he laughed, “Everyone should be as close to you as I am right now,” and with that, he started guiding/dragging the mare towards the front door. As if the villagers outside could tell, the door started being hammered on more strongly. The faces at the windows looked more deranged with every step they took.

“Father no, no please don’t,” she begged to deaf ears,

“There’s nothing to fear my dear,” he laughed heartily, but did not slow, and did not release the mare, “Nopony wants to hurt you, they just want to tell you how much we appreciate you,”

More steps.

“How much we love you,”

More steps.

“How much admire you and worship you,”

More steps.

“That’s all."

Chestnut pulled his daughter the final few metres towards the front door. Mary screwed her eyes as he reached for the handle and prepared to be at the bottom of the pony-pile with the largest recorded good intention to pain ratio.

The door opened, and there was an enormous explosion of force that knocked everypony off their hooves. For the second time that day Mary witnessed the princess’ supreme form smash down from the heavens. Here eyes were blazing and the very ground cracked where she landed.

The massive mob of equines that had been trying to gain entry to Mary’s home had no time to get up before the alicorn spoke.
“I have had enough of this. I may not be able to destroy Luna’s boon, but I can grant one myself.” Her horn ignited with an energy Mary remembered seeing. Whatever was going to happen, the whole situation was now forfeit. There was no coming back from this.

So she didn’t care anymore. She didn’t bother kicking her father’s forelegs away, she didn’t even bother to watch the dangerously riled pile of ponies, the ones that were just now getting to their hooves again. She didn’t flinch when the violet energy hit her and solidified. It smothered her vision and hardened around her, just as it had weeks ago.

What Mary did do though, was see earth ponies and pegasi and unicorns begin to attack the princess just before her vision was totally obscured. She did see countless faces around her, including her father’s. She saw them desperately try to chip away at the purple material to no avail. She saw the desperation and insanity and pathetic devotion in their faces and she knew she’d caused all of this.

Within her cocoon, everypony could hear Mary wail and weep. The situation had become impossibly ruined and everything had gone wrong. Everything and everyone was messed up beyond repair and it was her fault, and her fault alone.

But as quickly as she felt them start, the princess began to feel the hooves and teeth of her subject’s ease up, and she just saw bewildered, normal villagers fall to the ground once again as the buzzing overcame them. A technicolour flash went unnoticed by the pained townsfolk.

The purple casing around Mary chipped and flecked away, but it did nothing to stop her weeping. What was left when the villagers arose, and regained their minds was a scene. It was a home damaged from external attacks, it was a group of severely confused looking ponies. It was a tired, weary alicorn, covered in scrapes and bruises, sitting on her haunches and not knowing what to do now she finally had time to grieve for her sister. Finally, and most pathetically, it was a small earth pony, with a crème coat and a red mane sitting amongst shattered purple material.

Tears were streaming down her face as she looked at the cut and battered princess, the one she had so selfishly pulled from her day of mourning. Her tears showed no sign of stopping as the villagers started to remember details. Most of them looked confused, some of them shouted things like accusations of dark magic and witchcraft. Many of them rushed over to the princess to apologise and tend to her wounds.

The worst part of it though was the fear Chestnut was looking at her with. She had changed him for weeks on end, she had made him forget her. The question remaining was what else could she do? The stallion backed away cautiously, regarding her more like an ‘it’ than a ‘she’. The villagers did the same, and all the while Mary just sat on her haunches regarding her weak, normal form, weeping and sobbing.

The images ceased in their place, the projector's sputtering death rattle had been going on for so long he had tuned it out. However once the machine began to die down Spike became aware of its pained groans once more.

Celestia was looking down at the ground, her expression was unreadable. Luna was tending to her sibling, rubbing her back with her hooves tenderly. Spike on the other hand was horrified, it was this magic, the very same magic that had given him this body had done all of that.

Sure, it was a lot more subdued here, it was much weaker but still. Luna and Celestia had said themselves, the moon princess had used the very same magic in constructing Spike’s form as she did for that mare a thousand years ago. That mare that had been left crying in the dirt, feared and hated by those around her.

Spike wanted it gone.

“Mary Sue wasn’t a bad pony. " Celestia said quietly, "It was her deep resentment of the world, bred over a lifetime that caused what happened. She was so good natured and kind deep down… But her story ends with pain Spike, just as yours will if you don’t-”

“Get rid of it,” Spike finished for her, “I want it gone.” He resolved. Celestia’s relief was near tangible.

“You’ve made the right choice Spike, your magic could never be a strong as Mary’s but the point remains the same. This love is simulated, this boon grants one nothing but agony in the end.”

“I know… now please, put me back to normal.” Celestia nudged Luna who nodded and began prepping the spell.

“Everything will be back to the way it was soon Spike, and in any case, I’m sure Twilight and the others will forgive you,” Celestia said with a calm smile. Spike closed his eyes and grinned for the first time in a long while. Soon, this would be gone, everypony would be back to normal, and everypony would forgive him... just like Celestia said.

Hold on.

"What do you mean, 'Forgive me'. What have I done wrong exactly?" Spike suddenly demanded. Celestia's smile fell, and the violet magic building around Luna's horn died off. Nopony spoke for the longest while, each was afraid any misplaced word would set off this power keg all over again.

So they all stood in silence, and waited for someone else to make the first move.

An Interlude of Unprecedented Cartoon Violence

“Now hold on Spike I wasn't blaming you." Celestia began. Spike eyed her suspiciously, considering the alicorn's words before giving any of his own. "I just said that there shouldn't be any hard feelings between you and the others,”

"No, you didn't. You said they'd forgive me. You forgive someone who has done something wrong... you think I've done something wrong, don't you?"

“You've not done anything wrong on purpose Spike, they'll know that as well as I do now,"

“There it is again,” he spat, silencing the eldest alicorn, “Everything has a clause, doesn't it? But you're right, I didn't do anything wrong on purpose, I didn’t DO anything at all. I sat in a field and made a wish, it was Luna who did this,” he gestured to his body.

“I know Spike, and I’m sorry-” Luna began to apologise, but Celestia interrupted,

“Spike, I don’t appreciate you trying to pin this whole situation on Luna. It was she who granted your wish, it was your friends who made you feel unappreciated, and it was you who made the wish. Everyone had played a part here,” Celestia reprimanded the dragon.

"What?! I 'Made the Wish'? That's your definition of playing a part? How exactly was I supposed to know that somepony was eavesdropping?" Luna opened her mouth, but Spike was far from done. "I make wishes all the time, I wish for more cake and I wish that Rarity would go out with me. But if I get more cake, is that because I made a wish? No! So I don't think I'll be accepting responsibility for somepony else giving me another pony's magic after a different group of ponies made me feel worthless!"

“You took their minds and made them fight in the street Spike, just as Mary changed her father. I know it wasn't intentional but it happened. All I’m saying is that you might want to apologise, regardless of where any sort of blame lies” Celestia tried to appeal to the dragon’s rational side, but it was too late. He was already beginning to back away.

The moon princess once again tried to interject but was beaten by someone faster.

“I can’t believe this, you’re just like them. You never cared how this could affect me, it was always about them. Twilight Sparkle and Elements of Harmony. Equestria’s heroes and nopony else. Who cares about Spike’s issues as long as the six are safe and happy, and being apologised to every minute of every hour a day for things they started?!

You showed me a lot here Princess, but a thousand years ago you showed me more. Like how to work this spell properly, and that my own magic is weaker than Mary's was.” The drake’s wings snapped to their fullest extension and he began prepping for take-off. They pumped steadily, stirring a wind that blustered with a distracting roar. "So correct me if I'm wrong here, but I don't really have the fear of causing a zombie rebellion to stop me from leaving?"

"Spike listen to yourself. Of course we care about you. We took you here to let you learn about the boon so you could make the choice to remove it. You can be the hero right now Spike, all you have to do is let us remove this magic!" The sun princess yelled over the shriek of the wind.

"That's it. That's perfect. It's always what I have to do, isn't it? How I have to remove the boon, how I have to apologise to everypony, how I have to never make a wish, in case a princess is spying on me!" Celestia went to reply, but Luna pushed past her,

“Spike, I know this wasn’t your fault,” Luna cried, “You didn’t do anything except want to be appreciated. I gave you that boon because I felt I owed you... I felt bad for you, I know what it's like to not be appreciated better than most. Please let me return you to normal and I can talk to the others,” Spike clenched his eyes shut and muttered ‘concentrate on the desire’ a few times. He looked up and managed a wry, bitter smile at the moon princess.

“I know you don’t think it’s my fault Luna. But I don't think you're enough.” Celestia began to try and formulate a response, but it was too late.

“I’m not going back to being a baby again. Not if everypony’s just going to look at me like I’m some sort of monster. I had enough of that when I actually did become a monster, princess. Throughout all of this nopony, not once has even considered me, or how somepony else might be in the wrong except her,” Spike pointed to Luna, “And I’ve only met Luna once before this!”

“Spike, I’m sorry-” Celestia began,

“No, don’t. Come and find me when you’re actually sorry Princess. I’ll be among those that I ‘Wronged’,” With that he rose. A few beats from his massive wings propelled him into the air at a dizzying speed.

“Don’t worry Luna,” Celestia said to her very visibly anxious sister, “He’ll come around eventually. It’s not like he can just leave this place without us, he needs the power of an alicorn to get here.” At that precise moment the black smashed around the distant dot that was Spike. It seemed it was lovely day outside if the gorgeous blue sky was any indication. Celestia was silent for a moment,

“How did he do that?”

“It’s a powerful spell Celly,” Luna groaned. The sun princess stared, dumbfounded at the hole.

“So, maybe the we should jab at the biggest nerve on all ‘Threats to Equestria’ hmm?” Luna spat.

“No-one likes a smartarse Luna,” Celestia quipped with narrowed eyes. The two of them stared at the hole for a few minutes before beginning to discuss the situation.

They had a dragon with an immensely powerful boon spell, one that had just received the perfect crash course on how to use his spell and to whom Celestia had said the worst possible thing, just as he was going to get rid of said unbelievable power.

Great. Nice job… no really, great job. Top score. Five out of five. Fantastic.

"Now," Twilight began after teleporting her friends out of the boutique, "I would think that we go an find Pinkie first, she's the least likely to be angry about the fight earlier,"

"Found her," Rarity muttered in response. Twilight stopped rummaging around in her saddlebag and looked at the seamstress. She and Applejack were both intensely staring at something behind Twilight. She turned to see what was so alluring. About twenty meters away, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Pinkie were all standing. Each was giving Twilight and co. that same look of wide-mouthed surprise. They had found each other.

The two unicorns and the earth pony wasted no time in galloping over, and as soon as their targets shook of the shock, they did the same. The six friends were soon to be properly reunited. All past transgressions were forgotten for now. It was just them in this perfect moment.

Applejack grinned, Rainbow laughed merrily at Pinkie’s bouncing, but she didn't allow this to slow her. The pegasus pumped her wings, eager for reconciliation. Twilight was already coming up with ideas for her next letter. Fluttershy was uncharacteristically bold in her galloping, and Rarity didn’t care how much the wind mussed her beloved mane.

So focused were they on the sight of their friends, the six didn’t notice a white shape plummeting from the sky. Spike landed with a thump, straight in the middle of the would-be-huddle. He looked around, noting with mild amusement the coincidence of his chosen landing spot.

As soon as that beautiful dragon had landed in between them, all six elements ceased running to each other and screeched to a halt. There were a few minutes of silence. Each of their ears were twitching at some unheard noise. Spike had heard the scratchy sound of static during the flashback, so he knew exactly why they all tried to cover their ears. He took a moment to look at the position of the sun.

He'd been gone well over two hours.

The elements weren't incapacitated for long. However intense the static had been, it was done with and forgotten in under a minute. Each pony rediscovered their new surroundings with mild interest and confusion, but inevitably all twelve eyes ended upon him. They were bewitched. Spike recalled their expressions as the same ones from before. The same mix of obsessive, psychotic lust.

The scowl he fixed on his face either went unnoticed or uncared about. Each mare still gave him that look, it turned his stomach. Then, one by one, each pony began their irritating love-display.

Rarity swooned and began reciting a Frankenstein's monster of cobbled together romance-story sentiments and Shakespeare quotes. Twilight had nervously began nudging some rocks along the floor with a scarlet blush, while muttering something inaudible. Fluttershy eye's had lit up in an intense, lust-driven stare, whereas Dash had prattled off an embarrassing list of buzz-words and quotes that put everyone in mind of old 'Bop-It!' toy with brain damage. Pinkie, on the other hand, had began shrieking too fast for anyone to interpret her words as anything other than incomprehensible gibberish.

AJ on the other hoof, she'd just been honest. She went to tell this Adonis-like avatar of beauty how exactly she felt, but her sentiments were drowned out by the choral, harpy-like outburst emitted by her friends. That had irritated Applejack, but she had generously let it go. However that didn't change the fact that these ponies could very well ruin her chances with this personification of perfection if she let them.

The dragon, for his part, just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in a display of completely irritated boredom.

"Now see what y'all have gone and done?!" the farmer exclaimed, drawing several glowers from her fellow elements, "If you'd all a' just shut yer holes and let me speak, he wouldn't be ignoring us right now!"

"Let you speak?" Pinkie spat incredulously, "At least I made an effort. It was all of you silly-billies that underwhelmed him,"

"Oh wow! I'm a silly-billy? Please somepony cover the children's ears, we wouldn't want them learning such terrible language," Fluttershy deadpanned in response,

"Yeah! And how exactly could anyone not notice that stupid foghorn mouth of yours?" Applejack tore into Pinkie again, and in response Pinkie burned bright red.

"You better not be a meanie to me again Applejack, or I'll... erm... I'll,"

"What?" the farmer interrupted, "You're gonna do what exactly? Throw a 'We don't like Applejack party? Hit my in the face with a cake? What are you going to-"

Applejack finally got her answer when Pinkie furiously leapt an impossible distance in under a second. Her right forehoof wrapped around Applejack's throat and lifted the farmer clean off all hooves. Midway through the flip AJ looked into the sky. The sun was setting, creating a gorgeous, kaleidoscopic mix of oranges, yellows and reds.

But unfortunately, as it is wont to do in these sort of situations, that whole 'Painfully slammed face first into the dirt' business began and sky-gazing had to take a reluctant backseat. Pinkie still had a hoof around the other earth pony's neck, and was receiving several very strong hind-leg bucks into her flank for the trouble. Everyone was quiet at first, nopony really knowing how to react to the startling escalation. Eventually though, everyone just sort of found acceptance. They couldn't blame Pinkie for becoming violent, not when the love of this dragon was at stake.

"Well," Rarity began, "That sorted that problem out nicely."

"It sure did," Twilight laughed before adding pleasantly, "Now how about you head on home and let me talk to this bewitching new arrival?" Contrary to how Twilight thought this would play out, her winning smile and the reducing, yet not total removal, of her trademark 'I say I don't think I'm better than you, but you can totally tell I think I am' tone of voice did not sway Rarity. The fashionista merely laughed haughtily and began to walk around the purple unicorn.

Twilight felt a sting of annoyance, and teleported in front of her alabaster-amigo (I'm not removing that phrase).

"Rarity, I would really advise you go on home now," her tone was noticeably more dangerous sounding this time around.

"Twilight," Rarity began, "I don't want to offend you here, but you are pretty much the least threatening individual I have ever met. I have literally heard you be described by ponies as 'Adorkable' without even the slightest pinch of irony. Nopony who has ever been described with that vile word has ever been a threat to anyone, understand? Now you feel free to have a tantrum and snitch on me to the princess in one of your letters I'm sure she doesn't read later, but for now, I'm getting past you." Twilight's jaw hit the floor. Rarity once again began to walk around her.

The librarian finally processed what Rarity had actually said, and it angered her. Her irises emitted a threatening glow, her horn began to flare and all the while her coat prickled with the tell-tale crackle of raw, unadulterated magic. She wheeled around and shouted at her opponent.

"I'd advise you to remember who you're talking to. Unlike someponies, I actually live up to my element," Rarity snorted with laughter and turned around to face Twilight, "Laugh all you want, but I am the emodiment of magical talent. You don't want to know the amount of ways I could stop you being a problem here."

"I do,"

"...What?" Twilight spluttered.

"No seriously dear, I really do. Go on, tell me. How could you dispose of me?"

"How about I freeze the water in your brain? How about I make that mane of yours throttle you, hmm? I could take off those pretty legs of yours one by one-"

"Go on then," Rarity said dismissively.

"...What?" Twilight spluttered yet again.

"You heard me, do it." Nothing happened for the next few seconds, "Twilight, you are the element of magic. I'm not denying you're better at magic than the vast majority of ponies. But you're not god. If we're being realistic here, you are noticeably better than average at levitating small objects and turning something into a slightly different, yet ultimately similar shade of colour to what it was previous. You cannot freeze the water in my brain."

The now-castrated feeling element of magic racked her brains for a reply of intelligence, wit, and of suitable enough coldness to render her opponent speechless with awe. Whether her reply actually possessed any of these traits was debatable at best.

"Yeah, well at least I didn't lie to all my friends and try to avoid coming to my birthday party!" Twilight shrieked in response. The white unicorn burned red, but was quick on the retort.

"Oh grow up! You're over twenty years old, you don't need a birthday party with cake and balloons anyway. Just drink wine and weep at all of your regrets like the rest of us!" Rarity spat

"Maybe you have to do that, I actually have friends,"

"You mean those ones who you literally report on to the head of state? Oh I'm sure they love your company," Rarity snapped

"Well your dresses are pathetic, even Fluttershy could make better ones!" Twilight smirked at Rarity's horrified expression, and then had to recoil from the sharp slap she received. "You... you struck me-"

Slap.

"How dare you?!"

Slap.

"I will not stand for-"

Rarity slapped her again, switching effortlessly to a backhoof.

"STOP HITTING ME!" Twilight yelled in frustration, only to be slapped again. A few yards away, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash had started fighting too. I mean the others were doing it so why the hell not? They swooped and dived in a tense dogfight as Pinkie strangled AJ, and Rarity battered an enraged Twilight.

Rainbow smashed into Fluttershy's side. The two of them were brought to earth in a snarling, tussling ball. The heap rolled along the floor, still carrying the momentum of the flight. Rainbow lurched herself upwards in a motion that simultaneously brought her to her hooves and slung Fluttershy across the ground.

The yellow pegasus was quick to recover however. Within a second of getting an all four legs, she pumped her wings and threw herself at Rainbow. The pegasus crossed the distance with a look of unhinged madness. She was flying faster than she had ever flown; by which I mean only slightly faster than a remarkably unmotivated sloth.

She screeched to her hooves in front of Rainbow, leaving a thoroughly unimpressive snail-trail of dirt behind her, She used the paltry momentum to her advantage and raised her right forehoof. Rainbow had only several minutes to react, prepare an adequate counter, come up with a pithy quip and remind herself to buy more Persil Liquitabs.

Fluttershy threw the 'Punch', Rainbow caught it in between her two front hooves and twisted. The yellow would-be Mike Tyson was thrown to the ground with almost no effort on Rainbow's part.

"You're shit!" the blue pony remarked, and resolved to make her quips much more witty in the future. Fluttershy was undeterred though, and, considering she was about as physically powerful as a prematurely born hummingbird, that was quite impressive. She bolted at Rainbow again, and launched as many punches as her frail body could manage. Each bounced off the speedster doing absolutely no damage whatsoever.

"Fluttershy, I know you have the whole 'Ooooh I'm really shy but if you anger me I become a force to be reckoned with' cliche going on, but you do realise that getting into a hissy-fit doesn't make you any physically stronger, right?" Dash said with a patronising grin. The yellow pony caught her breath and gave Rainbow a glare that could melt solid steel.

She rocked back onto her hind-legs and raised both forehooves in an attempt to hammer down on Dash's head. The attack had the small problem of taking forever, as well as being incredibly easy to counter and making the weaker pony very vulnerable for an extended period of time. But other than that it was a terrific move in a battle that wasn't totally one-sided in any way at all.

Rainbow simply pumped both wings and Fluttershy was toppled over. Dash began to laugh at the humiliated pegasus. Rarity stopped using Twilight's face a speed-bag to allow the two unicorns a moment's chuckling. Pinkie and Applejack even joined in the mocking of the increasingly infuriated yellow pony. Pinkie giggled nastily, and Applejack emitted sounds that could have been laughter, but were more likely the sputtering death-rattle of somepony being choked by a close friend.

However, the group laughter was cut short when, in an eerie call-back to the earlier fight, Rainbow was shut up by a powerful, large object striking her in the face. Everypony was silenced and their eyes fell on Fluttershy... and the large rock she had thrown at Rainbow. It was a testament to that most time-honoured of sayings, 'If at first you don't succeed, come back with a weapon'.

Twilight carried on chuckling for a moment, but Rarity decided it was quiet-time now, so she slapped the mage. Twilight burned with fury, as well as the more painful burn of a cheek that had been struck several hundred times in the last few minutes. Her eyes fell on Fluttershy once more, who was aiming another rock at Rainbow.

"That gives me an idea-"

SLAP.

Twilight very nearly shouted something illegal and decided monologuing could wait. She blasted Rarity in the face with a concentrated beam of magenta energy. The attack conjured some purple smoke, but when that cleared, a very different dress-maker stood before her. In place of Rarity's usual fabulous visage was a uniform, grey surface. Twilight had turned her friend's entire head into a rock.

The purple pony couldn't help herself. As soon as Rarity began trying to speak and desperately looking around, Twilight fell to the ground laughing. Every time she turned, the fashionista swayed precariously with the weight of her new head. Rarity began squawking all manner of indignant sentiments, but unfortunately they all came out muffled.

"What's the matter Rarity?" Twilight giggled, "Tom-gue Tied?!"

No one laughed. In fact, the world actually became a slightly bleaker place at the utterance of such an impotent joke. Twilight looked around and glowered.

"Oh who the hell cares? You're still a rock Rarity," The librarian snapped. The formerly-purple-maned unicorn shrieked in fury and galloped in what she thought was Twilight's direction, a direction that turned out to lead straight past her intended target and into a nearby tree. Rarity smacked into the trunk and became dazed. Twilight laughed so hard she almost messed herself.

Meanwhile Pinkie and Applejack were both on the floor. The party-pony had a hoof weakly around AJ's neck, who was in turn attempting to kick Pinkie. Both were taking very large breaths and it was clear the oxygen starvation, or viscous flank-bruising depending on whose perspective this stupid story is taking, had taken it's toll. Even the insults were succumbing to exhaustion, 'Everypony hates your stupid parties Pinkie' had turned into 'Your alligator is a somewhat weird shade of green'.

Pinkie finally let go after another pitiful hind-leg buck from Applejack caught her in the angry purple bruise she had acquired. The two adversaries rolled away from one another, ragged breaths and coughs replaced what should have been fierce war-cries.

Meanwhile, Twilight was still weeping with laughter as Rarity swayed from side to side. Every few seconds, the white unicorn would jump to one side, avoiding all manner of imagined attacks. This only intensified Twilight's mirth, whose state had now transcended the surly constraints or our mortal definition of the word 'Amused'.

What the librarian didn't take into account though, was that every laugh that slipped through her lips just made her more position more known to her rock-headed adversary. This is why it came as such as shock when Rarity stilled for a few seconds, then vanished in a flash of blue light.

The element of magic's laughter stopped. She looked round confusedly, wondering what exactly had just happened. Her answer came in the form of a strange sound from above. Rarity was directly above her, hurtling toward Twilight, head/rock first, at a terrifying speed.

The stone impacted against Twilight with a crack, which thankfully originated from Rarity's now-damaged new head, rather than the librarian's skull. The two fell into a dishevelled heap. Pieces of rock fell away from Rarity, revealing a very dishevelled, sweaty element of generosity. Twilight blinked rapidly to try and stop seeing stars, all the while there was one burning question on her mind.

"How did you learn to teleport?" she choked out

"The same book you learned it from, you arrogant cow!" The seamstress spluttered breathlessly in retort, "And don't try that whole 'Self-Taught' clap-trap, you did it once by mistake, then immediately bought a copy of 'Teleportation for Dummies'." Twilight glowed red at the reveal of her secret, but decided a war of insults was pointless now. Instead, she elected to simply light Rarity's mane on fire.

The purple unicorn had only seconds to laugh, while the white unicorn barely had time to shriek and magically douse the flames, before unconsciousness overtook the two of them.

About ten metres away, Rainbow was still dodging multiple rocks from a furious Fluttershy. Her blue coat was already marred by a multitude of angry, purple bruises. Her desperate appeals from calm had fallen on deaf ears, and now she was devoting her energy to not being stoned to death.

Fluttershy threw another rock straight at her childhood friend's head. Rainbow managed to avoid it with a roll to the right. The yellow madpony went to retrieve another weapon, but wasn't able to get a good grip on the stone in her agitated state. It fell from her mouth to the ground, delaying her attack by a crucial couple of seconds.

Rainbow saw her chance. She pumped her wings and was launched into a arcing motion over Fluttershy's head, who had just managed to pick up her rock. Dash landed behind her antagonist and bucked a hindleg. It impacted straight between Fluttershy's legs. Her head snapped up, and the final rock was tossed skyward. A single tear escaped the yellow pegasus' eye, and she fell to the ground like a toppled statue.

"Heh," Rainbow spat hoarsely, "Ponies tend to think that only works against colts, but I suppose we've disproven that haven't we 'Shy?" Fluttershy didn't answer, she was to busy holding her lower-midriff while whimpering. Dash looked around, Rarity and Twilight were both unconscious in a position that might have been interpreted as tender had it not been for the small details of a smoking mane and a bruised head.

Applejack and Pinkie were still throwing paltry insults at each other. Their attempts at punches and kicks were nothing more than weak nudges now, they weren't going to be getting up any time soon. Rainbow already knew that Fluttershy was out of commission. The agonised squeaks she could still hear confirmed that.

"Well, I suppose I win then," Dash laughed cockily, and looked around for her prize, but encountered a small problem. Rainbow span on the spot, and a complete 360 revealed that the bleached dragon was absolutely nowhere to be found. The only living things in sight were the injured elements of harmony.

"Where the hell is he go-" Rainbow's sentence was cut short when Fluttershy's final rock landed. It smacked against the cyan pegasus' head and shattered. Her magenta eyes rolled back into her head and Rainbow lost conciousness. Any sense of victory was lost, and it it's place was found nothing more than a group of six mares who had beaten each other to near-death.

I guess friendship really is magic.

Author's Notes:

"If I insulted your favourite pony here, then I'm sorry.
SORRY YOU CAN'T TAKE A JO-"
Tomification. 19/12/13. Seconds before his brutal stabbing in a pub after saying something bad about Twilight

The Universe is Going to Catch You!

Spike regarded the squabbling mares around him with increasing disgust. The shrieks and blows and endless, trite bickering fell onto ears that had since become deaf. It was only a few hours since he had left them, yet he already felt several months removed from then. The visceral panic felt when he first saw his friends reduced to fighting was a far cry to the apathy twinged with revulsion he was currently experiencing.

It was sad really. At no point in his day did he expect or want this to be the result, but here they all were. The elements of harmony beating each other comatose, Celestia and Luna presumably bickering in oblivion and Spike stood in the middle of it all. It was tempting to say the least, to simply cave. Go back to Celestia and remove the boon, then crawl back to his friends with his tail between his legs and ask for forgiveness.

And maybe it wouldn't be so bad. They'd probably be fine, and he could take another blow, couldn't he? Just one more, not even a big one. One day, nopony got seriously hurt and the cost of property damage remained firmly in the low hundreds of bits. Sure, Twilight and the others embarrassed themselves a little, but it's nothing they couldn't shake off. And Spike began to think that maybe, if he took the blame on this last one thing, he could talk to his friends and they might realise he's having trouble, so they might start listening to him a bit more. And Spike found himself laughing at the thought.

Would they even forgive him for this problem he didn't cause? What if this was the last straw for them? They'd probably forgive him, we all make mistakes. They'd forgive him,

"...Wouldn't you?" he muttered to the scrapping mares, who, unsurprisingly, didn't hear him. It would be so easy, and it would correct everything. So what Spike really didn't understand is why he started walking away. He really didn't understand why he took off in no particular direction rather than spreading his wings and returning to Canterlot. But what Spike had the most trouble understanding was why it had taken him this long to do it.

The town was largely empty at this time. Shadows were elongated and the sky was a palette of reds and yellows and burning oranges. Ponies seemed to be taking tonight to relax at home rather than spend the night outside, a fact Spike was thankful for. He'd managed to avoid the few ponies that he'd seen milling around, the last thing he wanted now was to deal with more pathetic fawning.

Whereas he had originally intended to listlessly wander until he came up with an idea of what to do next, a force more powerful than heaven and earth had intervened. His stomach. That whole 'noble lone traveller' thing had pretty much gone straight out of the window as soon as the first rumbles had reared their head.

His route changed and he began to head over to Sugarcube Corner. Even if the dragon hadn't of known the town like the back of his hand, the scent of baked goods provided ample direction. Like the dirty whore it was, his stomach loudly complained at the lack of items filling it, and every step increased the need for food. The dragon kept out a wary eye for any ponies in the streets, and began to notice just how small the doorways to everyone's home was.

Like a lumbering, recently-animated Greek statue with a strong affinity for sugar encrusted pastries, Spike eventually found the large Gingerbread house. His excitement ebbed, however, at the sounds from within. Silhouettes moved behind the glowing windows, while conversational murmurs and muted laughs drifted from the swinging doors. Spike let out a weary sigh, the idea of having to face yet another throng of misguided, drooling fanatics made the idea of food seem a lot less inviting.

A fierce discourse ignited between stomach and his mind, the victor would choose where the dragon would end up. Mind was arguing for turning around and charming somepony docile enough to not attempt sleep-molestation into letting Spike spend the night on their settee. Stomach respectfully disagreed, and was in turn making a case for of kicking the doors open to Sugarcube Corner and eating so much that it could only be adequately described by the phrase 'Pastry-Rape'.

"Now stomach, I appreciate that you are hungry, but I implore you to understand that you are arguing for the most base of satiation. This will add to the already considerable mental burden of our poor host, which is already a precarious tower of bundled trauma and neuroses! We cannot put him at such psychological risk for nothing more than the gluttonous consumption of paltry baked-goods!" Mind spluttered,

"Fuck that shit. I'm hungry," replied stomach.

"...Ok, fair enough," Replied Mind.

Spike nodded to no-one in particular, and started towards the gingerbread house. His desire for food took a queasy back seat to the growing ball of worry in his abdomen. Some dick was inflating the thing more and more with each step. He felt sick and almost stumbled. His chest was tight and everything seemed supernaturally slow for a couple of seconds, or minutes.

"For god's sake Spike," he muttered bitterly to himself, "Sooner or later you're going to have to drag yourself back to the princesses, you know that. How the hell are you going to climb that mountain if you can't even walk into Sugarcube Corner?! It's the happiest place in Ponyville. It even says so on the sign!" He looked up just to double check, but sure enough the sign still had 'The Happiest Place in Ponyville' written on it.

A sign wouldn't lie, would it? Could a sign even lie? I mean technically the sign doesn't choose what it reads so it would really be the individual who decided it that would be the liar? Were ponies going around falsely accusing signs of fabricating information with maliciousness aforethought?

Spike realised just where his train of thought had gone and acknowledged that it was a pretty pathetic attempt at procrastination, even for him. The dragon's body didn't give his mind chance to mess it up. His legs moved autonomously and before he even knew what was going on, Ponyville's most sought after bachelor was standing in the well-lit, densely populated main area of Sugarcube corner, at the back of a queue. A queue or sweet-toothed ponies all lined up to get their respective sugary fixes. A queue that had stopped moving. A queue of ponies that were now staring at him.

It was normal for ponies to salivate when they were so near to getting served in Sugarcube corner. The distinctive smell of baking pastry permeated every corner of the building, making it pretty hard not to drool a little bit in anticipation. That was why it didn't really freak Spike out when several of the ponies who turned to stare at him were leaking a little. It didn't even really bother him that much that none of them had stopped yet. No, what really bugged him, what really made him feel a little queasy is that many of them had just now started.

That was probably a bad sign.

His head threatened to fully shrink into his shoulders as he wilted under their gaze. Even if it nearly killed the English author who wrote this stupid shit, the dragon decided that respecting the time-honoured, sacred rules of queuing was maybe not the best plan of action. Spike Slowly, steadily and nervously, he began to move through the throng of motionless ponies. They parted for him, like a sexually aggressive red sea around an increasingly threatened Moses who was also a dragon for some reason.

His pilgrimage to the counter was interrupted by many inappropriate exhales and the occasional grope. Sweat poured down his body, which, by making his muscles and scales glisten attractively, was probably not helping matters. Mrs Cake came out of the kitchen area with her eyes closed contentedly.

"Who's next?" the baker called, nopony answered.

"Erm... me?" Mrs Cake's eyes snapped open and her gaze fell on the ten foot tall piece of rapidly perspiring eye-candy before her. Mr Cake's head poked out from behind her, and he too began staring. A twitched eyelid was all that Spike needed to know what was coming. The mating dance of the recently pregnant, slightly overweight married pony in her early fourties was only slightly less frightening that that of her husband. Both were ellusive, mysterious phenomena that Spike hadn't witnessed. This was a trend he didn't plan on breaking anytime soon.

"Cakes!" he shrieked, "Could you get me a platter of cakes please, and could everyone else go back to what they were doing and try not to stare. It would make me happy! Oh so happy!" His eyes were wide and bloodshot as he squawked the seemingly odd series of orders. The tension was palpable as he watched each pony snap from their hypnosis. Each one regarded him with a slightly confused look, but nature eventually took over and they did what they could to please the object of their affections.

Slowly, carefully, and with slightly less staring that before, the Cakes began to load a large tray with an assortment of pastries, while the bakery's other occupants went back to queuing behind him. A few even made a few forced attempts to talk to one another. Spike let out the breath he had been holding.

"Oh my God, I can't believe that worked," he quietly muttered to himself.

When Twilight woke up, there was the sound of snickering, and the feel of hooves in her hair. Suddenly, there was a snip, and her head felt a lot lighter. The unicorn jumped to her hooves, stumbled and fell. She ignored the sound of laughter around her and desperately felt around her head. Where there was once a thick, straightened mane there was now a... well, not much. Conjuring a mirror, Twilight saw the extend to the damage, her new crew cut was certainly bold. Whether it worked or not was an entirely different story. The mirror revealed the culprit, Rarity's blue aura held the element of magic's despoiled locks.

"What? You set my mane on fire dearie," Rarity said calmly as Twilight's hair was moved to the charred ends of her own, "Did you really think I'd let that one go?" The snipped mane twisted and changed colour slightly as it came neared to Rarity's. Her trademark stripe dissipated and the hair was assimilated fully. All trace of damage to the fashionista's coiffure was forgotten as Twilight's hair transformed into the distinctive purple coils.

The mage burned red with fury at the sight of Rarity stealing her hair, and the sound of her formed friends laughing. Twilight wheeled around and launched herself full pelt at the culprit. She realised far too late that physical attacks weren't really her strong suit, and she ended ploughing into the dirt a clear three metres away from her intended target, who regarded the display disinterestedly.

"Sterling work as ever Twilight, but back to the matter at hoof. Our dashing new friend is nowhere to be found. Now, through some strange bastardisation of nature, Rainbow was the last one to lose conciousness. Did you see where he went, or were you too busy with your erotic Daring Do fanfiction again?"

"Well, while you and baldy over there were busy with your bitch-fight," Rainbow began, pausing briefly to avoid the conjured mirror Twilight threw her way, "I was putting the hurt on poor, defenceless little Fluttershy over there,"

"You know I still could find a few more rocks," the other pegasus said darkly.

"Well, remember how that turned out for you last time? You ended up getting a kick in the balls, Flutterguy" Applejack laughed.

"Are you an idiot? I don't have-" Fluttershy began, only to be cut off by Rarity.

"Look, everyone knows Fluttershy almost certainly has male genitalia and Applejack's knowledge of anatomy is skewed from decades of farmland inbreeding, what we don't know is where my new suitor got off to. As sickening as it might sound, I propose a truce. We should look together to find him." Everypony present looked around the group.

We've been out cold all night," Rainbow interrupted, gesturing a hoof to the midday sun. "He could be anywhere now!"

"Do you have a better idea?" Rarity sighed. The pegasus though for a moment, before conceding she did not. Each pony agreed on a truce, and Rainbow was the first to put her hoof in the middle.

"What are you doing?" Twilight asked,

"Well, aren't we doing a truce?" Rainbow asked, rapidly growing uncomfortable under the confused, irritated glances of her former friends.

"Are you two years old? We are perfectly capable of coming to an agreement without putting our hooves in and doing some sort of embarrassing team spirit shout." Fluttershy spat.

"Okay then fine," Rainbow began to withdraw a hoof, but suddenly felt contact on hers. Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie and Applejack had each put their hooves into the centre of the circle.

"Hold on you said that-"

"Oh no," Pinkie cut off the pegasus, "You've made you bed, now lie in it." Rainbow looked at the group, each reflected her humiliated look with one of intense determination. She reluctantly put her hoof back into the middle.

"Come on then Rainbow," Applejack snapped with a wide-eyed, sarcastic grin, "Do the chant,"

"...Truce on one, two,"

"No Rainbow!" Twilight interupted, "We can't hear you,"

"Bucking hell fine! Truce on one, two, three," She lifted her hoof skyward and found that it was the only one up there. The other elements' limbs were firmly on the ground, and they were each giving her a patronising look, before they started away in the other direction.

"Now Rainbow doesn't that feel better?" Rarity smiled sickeningly and turned to join the others. The pegasus' face scrunched with rage as she decided she'd had enough. Running up to the element of generosity, Rainbow grabbed her hind legs and pulled as hard as she could. Rarity's muzzle slammed into the dirt. Rainbow slowly flew over her fallen antagonist and landed directed in front of her now-grounded face.

"Yeah Rarity, that does feel better." She laughed as she followed the rest of the group, leaving Rarity in the dirt.

"Blech!" The fashionista spat out a clump of mud and fixed it with a flat look, "I hate that glorified pigeon. I really do."

The door to Sugarcube corner opened, and Spike scrunched his eyes. He had purposefully taken the most secluded spot in the bakery to eat his meal, in the hopes that he could avoid drool that wasn't his own being involved. However this had meant that everytime the door swung open and that cheery bell rang, there was a tense moment to see if he'd been spotted.

Thankfully, as of yet, he had managed to stay incognito. Many of the original customers that had been here when he had arrived had, albeit reluctantly, left. Aside from Mr and Mrs Cake, there were few ponies in here that had spotted him at this point, and that was just the way the dragon liked it. The new tense moment ended when the ponies ordered, and took a seat directly adjacent to his booth. Spike let out a small sigh of relief and began eating again.

It wasn't long before the bustle of conversation began to emanate from the new arrivals' booth. For the second time in this chapter Spike decided to give the English author a heart problem when he resolved that politeness could be damned. He was bored, and had spend the last hour desperately huddled, trying to keep out of sight. Spike knew it would probably do him good to hear some normal, non-boon-related conversation.

As quietly as he could Spike leant back in his chair and began to listen. The voices were of two young fillies, and both of them spoke with an upper-crust sense of superiority without any of the cultured tone or vocabulary. Spike realised with growing dismay just who's conversation he was listening to. It was Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

"Why are these two always out so late? They're like seven years old," Spike groaned in a hushed tone.

"So anyway Silvy, could you believe what those blanks flanks did in school today?" Diamond giggled unpleasantly.

"OMC! It was so funny, lol!" Silver Spoon agreed, and Spike nearly punched himself in the face. He decided that he had put up with roughly 1500% of his recommended daily dose of shit in the last few hours, and so he elected to spare himself aural seppuku and covered his ears.

A few minutes passed by with the drake in this limbo-like state of self-imposed deafness. Spike's only company was the sound of blood rushing in his ears and the dull, distant thump of his heartbeat. Ever so often, one of the fillies would say something particularly loudly, and a muffled squeak would penetrate his sonic defences. However these intrusions remained mercifully indiscernible.

Boredom reared it's grey, listless head and Spike's eyes inevitably wandered. His particular corner of the bakery was not an exciting one, and there are only so many times you can count to one hundred in your head before the thrill of reaching your goal becomes overshadowed by the knowledge that you are literally just counting to pass the time. It's not a great realisation, take it from me. It was going to be a rough one.

"That doesn't answer my question though!" Twilight screamed, and everypony rolled their eyes so hard that it actually affect the spinning of the planet.

"Oh! My! God! Who! Cares?!" shrieked Pinkie Pie in retort, punctuating each word with a hoof-stamp.

Once leaving the battleground, the elements had set off in search of their new would-be paramour to presumably fight in front of him again, and then repeat the whole process ad infinitum. Since they had been out all night, and had expected to find the town bustling with new life. But an eerie void had replaced the typical midday Ponyville bustle. Nopony at all was out. And that was very weird.

However, as much this had freaked out the mares they stayed on track in their mission. Find the dragon, and then do stuff with him. In fact, the troupe of love-obsessed psychopaths became relatively immune to the ghost-town vibe after a while. Things got a little bit more amicable, and relationships had seemed to warm slightly. Insults had even plateaued to a record-low of thirteen per minute. However, Twilight's keen senses had eventually picked up a leaflet most ponies would have glazed over.

One quick-read later, and hell, as it is wont to do, had broken out. Immediate arguments over how to deal with its contents could be heard from miles around as the furious mares screamed at one another. All sense of relationship-mending was thrown out of the window like a cheap toy from a car driven by a father whose children's arguing was driving him into 'Lay on the accelerator, steer towards that cliff and just sort of vibe it' territory.

"I do! There's absolutely nopony around, and now we find this!" the mage retorted, gesturing to the offending flyer with a forehoof.

"Listen Twilight, it doesn't matter how bald you get, you're not Kojak, okay? Why do you care so much?!" Rarity bit back. Twilight scowled at her former-friend's insult but bit her tongue. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her muzzle (I don't know if that's correct equine anatomy and I refuse to research it).

"Look, it's strange, that's all I'm saying. We're the only ponies around and, despite elections being two years away, we find a leaflet saying 'Come to the Town Centre to meet the new Mayor!'. I mean, firstly, what new mayor? Secondly, why would ponies need to meet them? If they got elected, surely the majority of the town would already know them!" The element of generosity went to spit her pre-prepared insult about Twilight letting herself go, but faltered.

"That's... actually quite a good point." She conceded, before turning to the other elements, "As painful as it is to admit, I agree with Walter White. We should give this a look."

"What, so as soon as Professor X makes one good point, your on her side?" Rainbow demanded,

"I agree too," said Fluttershy, "And I don't know why you're acting so high and mighty. You haven't made one good argument against Voldemort,"

"So we listen to Elmer Fudd?" Applejack asked, and each element, some more reluctantly than the others, nodded. They began to set off in the direction of the town centre. Twilight smiled slightly at the success of her logic. This smile last approximately two seconds, and was brought to a red-faced conclusion when Pinkie slapped the flyer over her face.

"Stay humble Mr. Magoo," the party pony giggled.

After an entirely too long period of waiting, Spike felt the booth behind him shift. A sigh of relief escaped his lips as the tell-tale feeling of ponies leaving were carried to him through the furniture. His hands were tentatively taken from the sides of his head, and a small smile played upon his lips at the sound of hooves trotting away from the booth behind his. One set of hooves, not going toward the door.

Hold on, that wasn't right.

"Two chocolate Milkshakes," Silver Spoons snobby, entitled demand echoed through the bakery. Spike felt his heart plummet from a building and then smash itself across the pavement.

"Yeah, they were just lying there. I bet they'd all fainted. Probably something Spike had done!" The dragon's ear's pricked up at the mention of his own name. Aside from the princesses, everyone had either been calling him Dragonheart, or just an intimidating collection of molestation-centric slobbering and grunting sounds. He probably preferred Dragonheart to that second one.

"Yeah! I couldn't believe what he did yesterday. It's like, you totes need to calm down!" Silver Spoon chimed in again with another flagon of fresh, warm, free-range verbal diarrhoea. Despite Spike's burning desire to chew off his own fingers and plug his ears just to save him from another dose of the moronic, pre-pubescent text-speak the filly was vomiting so freely, the dragon listened on. His head was running a mile a minute. They remembered everything that happened.

"The boon doesn't affect anypony at all until they see me," he whispered to himself in a mixture of surprise and confusion at the fact that he was surprised, considering he had literally spent the last few hours watching video evidence of the boon in action. "Hold on, this gives me an idea. All I need is a really big cardboard box with some eyeholes and maybe some sort of grabbing device! I'd be golden,"

"Still though, I can't believe we were able to convince Twilight he said all that stuff." Diamond chuckled. The dragon's ear pricked again at the mention of his caretaker's name.

"Totally! I thought she was supposed to be some kind of freaky braniac. Obvs not! Lmao!" His hand was rapidly contracting into a tight, white knuckled-fist. He'd said it once, and he'd say it again, no-one made fun of Twilight but him, and doing it in circa-2005 MSN-speak was no exception.

"Watching him storm off was hysterical, if only he'd cried." Diamond said through mouthfuls of pastry. Spike's cheeks burned red with anger and embarrassment Silver Spoon laughed, her friend mirroring her amusement with a similar, venom-laced giggle.

Spike's claws dug into the table making long, wicked-looking track-marks. He knew they'd be gone soon, they had no reason to stay here too long after they'd finished their food. All he had to do was just keep quiet until they'd left. He could do that. He was patient, he had put up with a metric shit-tonne of nonsense this last day, he could put up with this. They were children after all, he could put up with the immature jeers of some children for a few minutes and after that, it was smooth sailing.

All he had to do was remain calm.

"Still nopony's seen him since he left, so job well done!"...

Oh fuck it.

Spike snapped. He stood up and was out of his booth in an instant. He stormed round the to adjacent seats and stared furiously at the two fillies. The two fillies stared at Spike as he stared at them. The stares were omnipresent and we should be thankful for them.

"Who the hell do you think you are?!" he screamed at them. The air shimmered as his maw threatened to ignite the furniture. A long, reptilian tongue swept across his jagged, two-inch teeth. His slit-eyes bored a hole through their heads and his loomed over them, waiting for an answer. The two fillies seemed unaffected by his shouting. They looked at one another and then back at him, before breaking out into a chorus of love-filled simpering, just like everypony else.

'OMG he's #gorgeous!', '...and we'll have the most perfect wedding in all Equestria and...', '...#beautiful...', '...I'll wear white and he'll wear a tuxedo and...', 'HASHTAG HASHTAG HASHTAG!'. The collection of asinine phrases ran through his ears like cold vomit down a latrine, and Spike broke.

"Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the hell up already!" the two finally seemed to register the gorgeous new arrival maybe wasn't as enamoured with them as they were he. The gave him an uncertain look at the rant continued, "I am sick of it. I am so sick of all of this. I tried to play ball, I was hidden away, I wasn't trying to cause a scene! I was ready to get rid of this boon before I was told, yet again, that it was all my fault, but I have had enough! You hear me?! Spike has had enough!"

Spike glared once more at the now-shivering fillies. He surveyed the bakery and saw everyone was suitably stunned, before starting towards the door.

"Wait," a voice stilled the drake, and he turned. A termbling stallion he didn't know met his gaze, "Who are you?"

Spike thought for a moment. That was a good question, and up until this point even he wouldn't have been certain of the answer. But that uncertainty seemed a lifetime away as he puffed out his chest and responded.

"I'm Dragonheart Augustine Virgil Spikewothy Magnus," The ponies looked like they had further questions, but the drake had no time. There were things that needed doing. Everyone in his town had shown they wanted Dragonheart, and he was going to bloody well give them Dragonheart. With plans formulating in his head, he strode though the bakery's doorway, immediately tripped on a small pebble and fell face first into the dirt in front of everypony.

Awesome.

Author's Notes:

Tomification absolutely loves Rarity.
You need to know this because of things and stuff.