Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1g06PqsefUD3YMD8XIrupKr7WjkGl3OIAB8NZ5fWYaOE/edit#

As soon as we stepped inside, I swear to God the music scratched and everyone looked up at me, gaping.

I nodded. “Sup?”

Taya was the first to react, galloping over to me from Chrysalis and hugging my leg. I knelt down and pulled her against my metal carapace, which was enough to break the silence and some people returned back to conversations.

I said into her hair, “Sorry for not coming back last night. Some bad shit went down and I got stuck.”

“I know. Pinkie told me.” I looked up and saw Pinkie watching me. I gave her a small nod. She went back to partying.

“Can you heal me and Spike?” My head instantly felt better. I grabbed Spike and pulled him over and she healed him too. “Thanks.” I let her go and stood up. “Spike, mingle or do whatever. If you want to come with me when I leave, you probably can.” He nodded and went over to the food table. Typical. “Did I miss anything, Taya?”

“Nothing big. A lot of people are looking for you, though.”

“I’ve dealt with a few of them. Sorry I couldn’t find you sooner; I looked, I promise you. I even knocked Doppel the fuck out and left you a message in her.”

She smiled. “We found it. I don’t remember it mentioning anything about a fight, though.”

“It didn’t; I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I suppose she’s still out cold?” Taya nodded. “Serves her right. She punched me in the face with one of her hooves. That shit hurts.”

We walked up to Chrysalis, who was standing about as far away from the food table as she could and not be conspicuous about it. “Sorry for leaving you with Taya again. I got drugged because I’m stupid and trusted someone.”

“Navarone, has anypony ever told you that you can be really dense?”

“Yeah. I get that a lot. If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure I got laid. Thirty times. I don’t actually remember… anything from the point where I left the bar.”

“It really does not make me feel any better. I see you found your armor.” She reached a hoof up and tapped it on my chest. “I approve, though I think the symbol would be a lot nicer if it was mine.”

I shrugged, which was hard to notice in the armor. “There wasn’t much of a choice. The only bit of this armor I really got to choose was this here,” I said, pointing to my shoulders. “No one in this world will get the refere—”

“The Band of the Red Hoof?” she asked, looking at them curiously. “Red hand, I suppose, in your case. I’ve heard legends, but they’re just that: Legends. I’m surprised you’ve heard of them.”

“I’m just as surprised that you have. The Band is from a book series back in my world. I swear this place freaks me out with all its similarities.”

She shrugged. “I don’t suppose I could bother you for a light snack? No pony here seems to desire to help sustain me.”

“Go ahead. What are you in the mood for?”

She licked her lips. “I want to earn it. Prepare your mind!” I had just enough time to clear my mind when her horn glowed.

“Don’t take anything I don’t want you to have,” I said, trying to keep things down.

“I know you well enough, Navarone. Let me see…” She hummed lightly as she dug, a small smile showing off her fangs. “Nothing here is ever where I leave it… You are quite rude to your own mind, Navar—What’s this?” She paused. “No, that is not for me.” More humming and her smile grew wider. “There.” Her horn stopped glowing. “I bet you don’t even know what I took.”

“I don’t. I believe I trust you.” I looked around and noticed that we were the center of attention again. I said aloud, “Two ponies walked into a bar. The third one ducked.” There was a chorus of groans at the bad joke as everyone turned back to what they were doing.

Chrysalis just shook her head. “Oh, yes. I needed to tell you something. I will be unable to keep our… arrangement tomorrow night. My presence has been requested somewhere else and I am unable to avoid the obligation.”

“Damn. I’ll save you some alcohol then, and you can drink it when you get out of this depressing place. It won’t be the first time I’ve gotten plastered alone.”

She smiled at that. “Just be careful, Navarone.”

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie! “You two already know each other! Quit hogging her, Nav.”

“Pinkamena—”

“You can call me Pinkie!”

“There is not exactly a queue lined up to talk to me right now. What harm is there in letting Navarone and I have a conversation?”

“Well of course there’s not a queue! Nav’s scaring them away with his creepy armor.” She turned her eyes on me. “Shoo! Go talk to Fluttershy or Twilight, they both wanted to talk to you.” She turned predatory eyes on Chrysalis. “Let me introduce you to everypony!” Chrysalis had time to look scared before she was pulled off by Pinkie.

Her spot was immediately taken by Rainbow Dash. “Lookin’ good, Nav! Love the new duds!” She held out her hoof and I met it. “Nice! I bet you can finally do a real bro-hoof!”

“Wait, what?”

She rolled her eyes. “Ever since you got here, Twilight warned us to be gentle with you with our hooves. She said your skin was a lot more sensitive than a pony’s coat or hoof. But wearing that thing, I bet you can finally take a kick! Now put your hand up again.” I did, and she punched it for all she was worth and immediately brought her hoof back with a sharp yelp of pain that she tried to mask as a nervous laugh. “Yeah,” she said in a pained voice, “you’ll do. I uh… I gotta go.” I saw her go to the kitchen doors, probably to put her hoof in some ice or something.

I looked down at my fist. I barely felt that. I grinned and finally looked up around the party to see who was in attendance. Twilight and all of her friends, of course. I saw Cadance, and I later found out that the new rehearsal would be right after the party. They were planning to do another one because the groom was gone during the first one and they didn’t have the guy to give away the bride either. And the knighting rehearsal was right after that, since that was around the time Luna usually gets up anyway.

Anyway, the party. Two ponies I wanted to avoid and one that wanted me for some reason. Taya and I went over to Fluttershy, though I saw Twilight angling her way to me before I got there. “I heard you were looking for me,” I said to Fluttershy.

I heard her audibly gulp when she turned to look at me. Her eyes took in my armor from the bottom to the top. I saw her eyes widen when they got to my shoulders. She looked like she was actually about to piss herself, like I predicted earlier.

“Fluttershy, are you okay?” I asked. I was actually somewhat concerned. Her eyes were still looking at my armor. “Fluttershy!” She jerked her gaze up. “It’s me.” I tapped my breastplate with my gauntlets. “This is my armor. Relax.” It took her a few seconds, but she slowly calmed down. “Now, what did you need?”

“I… I heard you had some alcohol here,” she said.

“That’s true. Are you interested in getting drunk? Chrysalis just bowed out on me and I need a partner tomorrow night.” Her eyes went wide again and she took a step back. “No, Fluttershy. We would just drink. We wouldn’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

“Um… No thanks. I wanted some of it for a different purpose… Do you remember how you said it was used as an anesthetic?”

“I don’t remember saying that, but it’s true. The stuff I have in my room is strong enough to preserve a body with, if you were interested in that.” Her eyes widened even more.

“C-c-c-could I h-h-h-have some?” she squeaked.

“Leave me at least half the barrel. You can go up there and take what you need whenever, though I can’t promise there’s going to be much left after tomorrow night.” She squeaked a response and darted away. “Taya, am I really that scary?” I asked, turning to her.

“You’re not scary to me. I know you would never hurt me.”

“Yeah, but Fluttershy knows I would never hurt her either. Or at least, she should know that. I don’t hurt the weak and helpless unless they deserve it.”

“The same couldn’t be said of me,” I heard Twilight say, and I turned so fast I almost slid to the ground in my new armor. My dagger was in my hand in an instant and a throwing knife in the other. She didn’t react. “Or at least, that’s what you seem to think.”

I noticed I had picked up quite a few stares again and I slipped the dagger away but tucked the throwing knife up into my hand, which was harder to do while wearing a gauntlet. “That depends on the given definition of weak and helpless,” I said. “Given that your weapon of choice is magic and I have no defense against that, then I suppose you do like terrorizing the weak and helpless.”

“But it doesn’t all hurt. Or so I heard.” I saw her horn glow and she did something to my wings that felt too good. She quickly stopped. “I don’t suppose you would know anything about that, would you?”

I stepped in closer to her so I wouldn’t have to talk as loud. “You were drugged. You dragged me into my room against my will and I was afraid for my physical safety to deny you. I’m not proud of it, but I honestly thought you might have hurt me if I tried to stop you.”

I heard her grinding her teeth together. “You’re going to help me get back at Celestia. Somehow. She’s done some strange stuff in the past, Nav, but this… This was actually wrong.”

“Well… Spike and I did send her some really strange stuff on accident last night. But she punished us—sort of—for that. If you can come up with a good plan that wouldn’t end up with us in the brig, I’m in.”

She smiled. Frankly, I was somewhat terrified of that smile. “For what she did, I’ll put my all into it. I’ve always wanted to prank her back. I think I know just what to do. Give me a few months to check and double check and finalize preparations.”

I looked at her in concern. “Twilight, don’t take this too far. And at the same time, make sure you take this far enough to make it worth it; don’t you dare spend all that time and just end up hiding the soap in her bathtub.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll make this well worth it. Just be ready.”

“As ever. Is there anything that I need to know before I disappear?”

“The rehearsals are after this. For the wedding and the knighting ceremony. You need to be there, of course. Since, you know, you weren’t there this morning. Where were you two?!” Oh yeah, now she freaks about it.

“Sleepover,” I answered. “It was kind of sudden, and I wasn’t expecting us to be late.” I shrugged. “Spike really wanted to stay, and I wasn’t about to leave him there alone.”

“Uh huh. And the rumors I heard about you coming back today carrying him over your shoulder and smelling like… like…” She shuddered.

“Twilight, I have done some really weird—and stupid—shit this week. Based on all of that, are you really surprised there are some strange rumors going around about me?”

“Fine. But tell me next time! I don’t like not knowing where Spike is at his age.” I wish she understood why I found that funny, but I wasn’t about to point it out if Spike wasn’t ready or willing to. “Also, what did you do to my brother? Apparently he woke up cursing your name.”

“I made sure he slept in a home away from Cadance last night. It’s a tradition back where I’m from, to make sure the bride and groom aren’t together too much in the week before the wedding. I know traditions are sometimes silly, but they were asking me about some of my people’s wedding traditions last night.” I shrugged, again barely noticeable. “I hope he wasn’t too distraught.”

“I see. I was worried that you had… Well, never mind.” Twilight’s an idiot. Although technically, nothing I said was actually a lie. “I’ll talk to you later, Nav. And...” she sighed. “Never mind.” With that, she walked off.

“Can I see you in your helmet?” Taya asked.

I slid it off the hook and over my head. Suddenly Pinkie! “Ooh ooh! Now do an evil laugh!”

“You know what… It has been a long, long time since I did that. Hold on.” I pulled my sword out and cleared my throat. I made sure no one was in the way, reached in deep, and pulled out the most evil laugh that any of the ponies had ever—or would ever—hear. It was actually a talent of mine, back in the day, and it was something I practiced.

Do you remember how I said before that the music scratched when I walked in and how everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up?

You could hear a pin drop, aside from Fluttershy’s legs scrabbling against the floor trying to get her deeper under a table that was too low to fit her. I slipped my sword in its scabbard and pulled my helmet off and put it onto its hook as everyone stared. After a moment I pointed at Pinkie and said, “She asked me to.” Their eyes all moved to Pinkie, who had now started to wear a smile that I personally found horrifying.

“I have a great idea!” she said. And I thought her smile was horrifying… ‘Great’ ideas from Pinkie usually do not end well.

“Not interested,” I answered.

“But you didn’t even hear it yet…” She pouted. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a Pinkie pout, but they are more effective than Applebloom puppy dog faces. Pinkie’s eyes get large and watery and her entire face seems to contort in a way that just says ‘sad.’

“Still not interested,” I answered her.

“Please?”

“Taya, can you beat her cuteness with your own?”

Taya took one look at her and swished her tail. That was a universal sign among mares of either ‘nope’ or ‘come and get it,’ and it’s only the second one if they leave it swished.

“You can tell me later, Pinkie. Now go party; I think you’ve earned it.” And just like that, her pout disappeared and she went with it, off to make sure someone was happy. We had an agreement of sorts at her parties that was hard-forged over a few years: She left me the fuck alone if I bothered showing up. If I didn’t show up, she was free to complain or bug me as much as she wanted about it.

“Do you know how to tell the truth, Nav?” Cadance asked as she snuck up behind me.

“Yes,” I answered, turning to face her. “You want to go four for three? I bet if I worked hard enough, I could get you to run away again.”

She blushed. “No thank you. I just… wanted to apologize for trying to make you talk about something you clearly didn’t want to. And I wanted to thank you for keeping me safe and for helping keep me sane. And for participating in my wedding, even though you clearly don’t want to.”

“Don’t worry about it. Keeping you safe and sane is my job and you talking to me about love is your job. Even if I hate it. Just stop bothering me; it is not my way to deal with my problems in any way you would think, as I’m sure you quickly found.” I smiled. “Did you ever manage to wash the smell out of your nostrils?”

“Nav, I’m not going to judge… but what was that smell? Honestly, what was it?”

“Promise me you won’t be sick and you won’t tell anyone and I’ll tell you what I think it was.” She bit her lower lip, but nodded. I pulled her head in close and whispered my thoughts into her ear. When I let her go she had her eyes closed and she looked like she was going to be sick. “Cadance, I’m not going to lie: I got drugged last night. I was not in control of my actions at all. I’ll admit that I’ve done some questionable things in the past, but I would never willingly participate in whatever happened last night.”

“You got drugged?!” she whispered fiercely at me, her eyes going wide. “You should have told Shining Armor! He’d arrest the ponies that did it, no questions asked!”

“Cadance, if you think that was the worst thing that happened to me in my time in Equestria, you don’t know a damn thing. Last night was pretty tame compared to some things I’ve been forced into in the past. I spared you some tales in the caves because I knew you wouldn’t want to hear them. Last night was my punishment for trusting a mare I just met.” Though apparently it wasn’t her fault. I might stop by real quick after the knighting ceremony to talk to her. And maybe she could help me out of my armor…

“Nav, what they did was illegal! They should be in jail for that!”

I shrugged. “The only thing they hurt on me was my pride. Well, hurt long-term. And even then, given that I was literally coated in whatever that stuff was, I don’t think my pride was hurt any. I probably gained quite a reputation for that.”

“Why would anypony want that kind of reputation?”

“You don’t get out much. Let’s just say it has uses that your innocent mind has no need of.”

She sighed. “I said I wouldn’t talk to you about it. I’ll see you later, Nav.” I nodded and off she went.

I turned back to talk to Taya but found myself facing yet another unicorn. “That’s not my armor,” Rarity said with an extremely disapproving tone.

“Yeah, it’s my armor,” I answered. “I thought we already knew that.”

“That’s not my design, Nav! Do you know how long I worked on that?”

“Yes. Yes I do. To the exact millisecond. That is how much I pay attention to your marvelous work, Rarity.”

She was not amused. “A long time, that’s how long! Why did you go against it if that’s what you chose?”

“It wasn’t me, it was the armorer. Take it up with him.”

She grit her teeth. “I think I will.” She looked me up and down one more time before visibly relaxing a bit. “Although… It does look really nice. And the handprints are a nice touch. Hm… Put on your helmet for me.” I did. “Now spin around.” I looked at her. “Ugh. Please.” I did. “Hm. Maybe I should offer a deal to this armorer. I might have to talk to him soon.” I pulled the helmet off and stuck it back on my belt. “Ooh, that’s a nice touch. That armorer fellow knows his business. Can you take it off easily?”

“And just what are you proposing, Rarity?”

“Oh ha ha, Nav. I know about your shameful activities these past few days. We shall have a talk about your behavior when we return to Ponyville, and the only reason we aren’t having it now is because I think it will take us a while.”

“You know I was drugged last night, right? I didn’t have control over any of my actions.”

“I don’t think you would have been where you were unless you were willing to do what you did, though.”

“Now that is only kind of true. Some of it, sure, I’ll grant you that. But if you had seen—or smelled—me as I walked into the palace this morning, you would know that this was terrible even for me.”

“I see. And why was Spike there?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t know what was going to happen when he came along with me. I was going to drag him away when the party started winding down, but then I got drugged and it all went to hell.”

“Uh huh. And he would agree with that statement?”

He better. “He didn’t know I was going to drag him away, no. He wanted to stay the entire time. I guess he got to.”

“That is still highly irresponsible, Nav.”

“Yeah. It was. I never denied it. Something bad could have happened. As far as I can tell, nothing bad did happen. I’m biologically incompatible with pony diseases and I’ve yet to see any indication that Spike can get sick either. And I’d be hard pressed to believe that Canterlot has any muggers, so I didn’t think we’d get rolled. Still, something bad could have happened. It didn’t, though. Now I just know not to take drinks that are on the house.”

“I don’t know what a lot of those words were, or at least not how you used them. I’m going to assume they are bad things, in which case you are correct: Canterlot does not have much of a crime rate.”

“Opposite of my home. Where I come from our nation’s capital has an incredibly high crime rate.” She grimaced. “But enough of that. As it turns out, I can’t get my knighthood voided for breaking my armor.”

“Are you sure? All the stories I’ve ever heard have that loophole there…”

“Those are stories. I had Spike look it up for me. Turns out the only way to get voided is to commit a serious crime like murder or something. You got any advice on how I can do that and not end up arrested for it?”

“Nav, I’ve already apologized as much as I could for that!”

“I wasn’t making a jibe, Rarity. I was being serious. How can I commit murder and not get arrested but still lose my knighthood?”

She put her hoof on my chest with a clink. She looked at it for a moment and then removed her hoof. She used magic to pull me closer to her and then slapped me in the face. “Stop it.” She let me go and I leaned up, rubbing my face.

“Fucking cunt,” I said, loud enough that she could definitely hear me. I don’t think she knew what that word meant, but she huffed all the same. “Rarity, that is the second time you slapped me. With your hoof, at least. You do it again and Imma slap you back. And I won’t take my gauntlet off first, either. You damn ponies always tell me that I shouldn’t be so violent, and yet here you are slapping my shit. How do you justify that?”

“You seem to only learn your lessons when pain is applied. I saw no other recourse.”

“Rarity, if that was true, I would never have sex again. I just don’t learn my lessons period, pain or no pain.”

“I see. Well, I shall not cease in my efforts to turn you into a gentlecolt. You are going to be a knight now, and you must learn your manners!”

“I have manners. I just don’t use them. If I ever ended up around any ponies with rods up their asses, I might start, but most of the ponies I’ve met have been pretty chill.”

“If you say you can have manners, you should demonstrate them one day! We could even turn it into a competition, if you would be interested.”

“Alright. Tell you what: One day in Ponyville, we can trade jobs. I can be the polite and generous human and you can be whatever you think my personality is like. We can let one or two of our friends judge us. And just to be fair, because I know you have a real job, we can do it on a day you have off so you don’t lose any business. Think of a prize or something for the winner.”

“That does sound… intriguing. And I’m sure it would give you a very detailed look at how everypony views how you act.”

“No, it’ll give me an insight to see how you think I act. I already know you think I’m generally barbaric, rude, overly direct, crude, and a few other mean things. Oh, and I’ll have to add one caveat to the competition: If something big happens, the game gets postponed; I’ll not have something attack the town and me be forced to fight with honor because I don’t want to lose.”

“That seems fair. I’d hate to force Twilight to heal you because you don’t know how to actually fight since you win all your battles by cheating.”

“Damn straight, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You don’t have to worry as much about getting hurt if you kill your enemy before they know you’re fighting.”

She rolled her eyes. “You really don’t have any manners, talking about killing at a party!” She shook her head. “I think we’ll have to talk later, Nav. And don’t you go about avoiding me like you have been Luna and Twilight!” With that, she walked away.

I blinked at what she said, though. I’m avoiding Luna? I turned to Taya, who had a plate half full of food in front of her. “Have I been avoiding Luna?”

She chewed and swallowed. “If you haven’t been, you’ve been doing a good job disguising it.” She went back to the food.

“I’ve only been awake in the palace for one night. It’s not my fault she sleeps during the day. Do you know if she’s awake right now?” Taya shrugged. I looked around the party. No one else seemed that interested in talking to me. “Fuck this. I’m going to be there when she wakes up. Actually, is that creepy?” She nodded. “Eh, fair enough. I can talk to her after the knighting practice; I’m not planning on disappearing tonight. Anyway, do you like the armor?”

“Is it going to stop you from getting hurt?”

“It’s going to help protect me, but it’s probably not going to completely stop everything.”

“Then yes, I like it. I wonder if I could… I’ll have to look some spells up, but I bet I can increase the strength of the metal.”

“If you can, by all means. Just don’t accidentally destroy it; turns out that would be pointless.”

“I’ll be careful. Is it heavy?”

“It’s unbalancing but not wholly heavy. Luna is supposed to give me some manner of enchantment or something to make it lighter. I’m actually going to be her first knight in quite a while. I wonder what all it will entail…” Taya shrugged. “I’m sure I’ve done worse.” If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s to never tempt fate. I just wish that I’d remember that sometimes. “Well, you got any suggestions for things to do?”

“We’re at a party.”

I looked around for a moment before turning back to Taya. “If you feel like playing any of these filly games, by all means. I’ll watch you have fun.” She grimaced at that. “That’s what I thought. I actually do have some stuff to do… Do you know where I can get a bunch of boxes?”

“I bet Applejack knows. She had to use a lot of boxes for all the food supplies she’s been bringing in.”

I looked around and spotted her among a group of ponies. It can wait. I looked around again and sighed. Fuck it, I don’t want to be here anymore. I walked up to Applejack’s small group full of mostly Apple family members. “Hey AJ,” two of them looked up, one of them being Applejack, “do you know where I can get some empty boxes that won’t be missed?” The other one that looked up when I said AJ looked back to the group. I saw that his flank had a glass of juice on it.

“We got a bunch of them in the kitchen. You’re welcome to what you need.”

“Thanks.” I nodded and went off to find Spike. He was talking to Twilight and Cadance. Figures. I went to bail him out. “Hey Spike, we need to do that thing for Celestia.”

He looked confused for a moment before grinning. “Oh yeah! We do need to do that, and now would be a pretty good time.” He turned to the mares. “Sorry ladies, but when the princess calls…”

“But you two need to be there for the practice!” Twilight said.

“Then send someone to come get us,” I answered. “We’ll be in my room. Just have them knock first.”

“Oh no. You’re not going to make us all wait!” Twilight said, somewhat angry. “Do you know how long we waited on you guys earlier?”

“Yes. Yes I do,” I replied. What is it with me and answering rhetorical questions? “I don’t know what your concern with waiting is since you know people that can fucking teleport. Come on, Spike.” He fell into step behind me as I walked toward the kitchen. I think I heard some very dark mutterings from Twilight and some lighter ones from Cadance.

“So where are we getting the boxes?” Spike asked when we were away from there.

“The kitchen.” I pushed the door open and in we went. Taya was apparently still following me. “So Spike, one big box or a few small ones?”

“The mustache needs its own box. The others can all go in one big one.”

“Works for me. And you know what we’re going to do?” He looked at me. “We’re going to follow Celestia’s instructions, but we’re going to add a note of our own in the box. I’m not dealing with the fallout from this, hell no.”

“I like that idea.”

“So what are we doing again?” Taya asked.

“Spike and I are getting punished for being idiots last night. Celestia’s punishments get really weird when she’s in heat. I’m never visiting the palace again when she gets like this.”

“So what did happen last night? I heard some of the servants talking about some strange things.”

“I can honestly say I don’t know,” I answered. “And you don’t need to know. I didn’t get hurt, aside from a bit of soreness from sleeping oddly.” At least, I hope it was from sleeping oddly.

By that time, we had found the boxes we needed and were heading on up to my room. “Taya,” I said, “I’m not really certain you should see what we’re going to be doing in a few minutes. It’s kind of… well, fucked up.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Whatever. I warned you. Don’t go telling everyone I’m a bad dad or guardian or whatever because I’m giving you choices instead of telling you what to do.”

“You can tell me what to do if you want. But I really don’t want to have to start disobeying.”

“You’re way too much like me at that age. Well, at whatever age you are.”

“So are you saying that I’ll turn out like you?”

“Oh God, I hope not. I’d know that I failed as a parent if you turned out as horrible as me.”

“The next time you call yourself horrible, I’m throwing you on the floor,” she warned. “Calling yourself bad counts for that too.”

“What if I call myself that when you’re not around? And will you help me get up?”

“I’ll find you. And maybe.”

“Hm. I think I’ll wait until I’m out of my armor to test it.” We walked in silence for a bit. “Actually, hold on.” I slowly lowered myself to the floor, on my stomach. “I’m a bad person.”

I saw an orange glow pick me up about three feet and drop me to the floor with a really loud clatter. It didn’t hurt, thankfully. I pushed myself up and we continued on our way.

A few feet further down the hall, I asked, “So that was just a one-time thing, right? If I tell the truth like th—” I fell as magic clutched my legs. I hit the ground with another clatter.

“That counts,” she said as I achingly picked myself up. Spike giggled.

“What if someone else says it?” I asked as we started moving again.

“Then I fully expect you to hurt them for lying and defaming your good name.”

I sighed. “Spike, I’ve created a monster.”

“Well, that’s what you get for being a bad person.”

After a moment Taya said, “Well?”

“Well what?” we both asked.

“Aren’t you going to hurt him for lying and defaming your good name?”

Spike and I looked at each other. I pulled my gauntlet off and lightly cuffed him in the back of the head. He rubbed it as we continued in silence and I put my gauntlet back on.

“I wonder how much that suit reflects heat,” Spike mused.

“We’re not going to find out while I’m in it,” I answered. “We can put some popcorn or something in it when I get out and let you heat it up. Assuming you clean the grease out yourself, that is.”

“…I think I’ll pass.”

“For someone who is basically Twilight’s slave, you’re really lazy.”

“Well, I’m getting pretty tired of being shackled to her. At this point, I think I’m with her just because I think it’s more likely I’ll get my wings here than anywhere else.”

“You know damn well I’ll miss you when you’re gone, because it’ll mean I’ll have to stay here with no one but Taya for company. If you bail, I’ll probably get a house of my own, or just move to Canterlot. I’m tired of living with a murderer.”

“Then how do you live with yourself?” I heard an unexpected voice ask.

“I do my best to not pay attention, Luna. You really need to temper your sister. She’s done some pretty fucked up stuff this week.”

She grimaced. “So I’ve heard. Twilight has talked to me about some of it, and you are correct. It gets like this every time she goes into heat, but it’s so rare that there are so many ponies in the castle for her to toy with.”

“Right now, Spike and I are going to wrap sex toys that we’ve been ordered to give Cadance for her wedding.”

That stopped Luna. “What.”

“Well, you may have heard what happened last night. I got drugged and Spike was drunk off his ass. Between the two of us, we ended up sending Celestia something like fifteen sex toys through Spike’s magic. I don’t know if she woke up every time we sent them, but I know she was kind of pissed when we saw her earlier today.”

“While humorous, that is very concerning. Don’t give those nasty things to Cadance. If you tell me where they are, I’ll take care of them.”

“My room, under my bed. I’ll just have Spike destroy them. Saves you from having to wander around with them.”

“No, I will deal with them, in case Celestia asks what happened. Thank you for telling me this, Nav. Now, under what circumstances were you drugged?”

“Spike and I left the bachelor party last night for a wilder party. The bartender gave us both drinks on the house. Mine was drugged.”

“I see. And the name of this bar? And the name of the bartender?” Her tone was icy.

“I honestly don’t remember. I don’t remember anything after the bachelor party. And Spike was too drunk to catch it.” Hint hint, Spike. As it turns out, that was actually true. Or at least, he was smart enough to catch the hint.

“I see.” Oh man, I felt like I should be shivering in my armor from her tone. “Navarone, we have things to discuss.” She looked at Taya and Spike. “Alone, I believe would be best.”

“Go on back to the party, you two. We’ll be there at the rehearsal, probably. And if not, blame the space goblins.”

“…Space goblins?” Spike asked.

“Yes. Now go on.” They went, Spike shaking his head and Taya looking back a few times. I turned back to Luna and said, “I fucked up big time this week, didn’t I?”

She sighed. “Come on, Nav.” We continued walking. What am I going to do with this box? I casually chucked it down the first staircase we passed. Luna didn’t comment. “The only real mistake you made was allowing Chrysalis anywhere near your mind. Everything since then has been a consequence of that. However, what you did kicked the door open for Celestia and me to begin negotiations with her. So I suppose you did your job as a knight well, even before you were knighted.”

“Do you really think that forgives the way I’ve been acting? I’ve done some really strange stuff this week, Luna.”

“Shining Armor has been… off… as well, Nav. More free and wild than he usually is. You just haven’t noticed because you haven’t been around him. We think it’s a side effect of what Chrysalis did. And there’s also the fact that you’re a human rather than a pony. Chrysalis mentioned how your memories alone taste about as good as raw emotions. There have barely been any tests done between her kind and ours, so we have no idea what she might do to a human.”

“That makes me feel a little better, I suppose. What did you want to talk about?”

“What will happen tomorrow. You are going to get several physical changes automatically, upon me knighting you. All of them are reversible should you later decide you don’t like them. I just don’t want you to be surprised by them. They shouldn’t be painful, but some of them will be jarring.”

“What can I expect?”

“I know your eyes will turn dragon-like, so you are able to see in the dark. Your wings will turn bat-like, like my guards. Your skin will turn darker. Your armor will also grow lighter. Those are all the changes that appeared to ponies that took my colors. But… I don’t know about a human. My changes usually made ponies appear more fearsome, so be prepared for anything.”

“Alright. I’ll want my wings and skin turned back. The eyes will be okay.”

She sighed. “The ponies of old seldom kept my gifts either.” Well, get some better fucking gifts.

“It would take forever to explain the significance of skin color to humans, so you’re not winning that argument. I can keep the bat wings for a week, if you want me to try them out. Not having to preen or molt will be nice, admittedly. Do you know if they’ll have the same… Well, sensitivity, as my wings now?”

She blushed lightly. “They should. I’ve never… Never tested them. And none of my knights of old ever told me.”

“I’ll figure it out. I can let you know if you want. I know I’ve liked having wings at all, despite how much I hated them when I got them.” I stretched them out, marveling slightly at the feel. “Something every human on my planet ever dreamed of, and I wanted them gone immediately. They’re nice, I can say that.” I pulled them back in. “Soft, too.”

She grinned at that. “Nav… are you doing anything tomorrow night after the wedding?”

“I’m getting knighted after the wedding.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I was planning on going to my room and getting very, very drunk.”

“Nav, that’s not healthy!”

“And I never wanted to be a knight. I want to do this so I get so drunk that I do something stupid enough to get my knighthood revoked.”

“I’m not going to let you do that to yourself, Nav.”

“What did you have in mind to stop me? Dinner? We can go out if you want.”

She caught her breath. “Of cou—No. As my only knight, you have a very important job, a job that I have been looking forward to dealing with for a long time.” She sounded excited with her initial outburst, but that excitement died down and then slowly built up a bit. “You see, it is not only my job to bring up the moon.” Yeah, right. “I also have some manner of control over dreams. I can, at the very least, see into them. But doing so requires an object of extreme power that has been abandoned.” She snorted. “I want to say lost, but my idiot sister knew where it was the whole time but didn’t feel like telling me until you decided you were going to be my knight.” Ah, sibling rivalry. “After the wedding, you—and a group of my guards—are going to retrieve it.”

“Why do I need guards?”

She looked at me like I was stupid. “It’s big. And since it’s in the Everfree forest, I figured a bit of extra protection would be nice.” Oh fun. I’m going to that hellhole.

“So you said I had a job to do or something. Is my job to just help them ferry this thing back?”

“Very funny.” She didn’t sound amused. “I have been disconnected from it for a long, long time. You and I are going to reconnect to the device.”

That sounds ominous. “So uh… why was it abandoned?”

“Because Celestia was too afraid to connect to it.” Oh yeah. That was totally ominous.

“And what’s the point of this thing again? I’ve still been having dreams since I got here; why do we need this thing?”

“Yes. You have been having dreams. You are not a pony. Most ponies do not dream anymore, Navarone. There are a few isolated incidents and there are a few ponies that have the occasional dream. I believe your friend Pinkie is one of them, though she wishes she were not. Most ponies know of dreams, of course, but they don’t actually have them. We are going to change that tomorrow night.”

“So what exactly does connecting to this thing entail? And why do you need me?”

“I need you because you are going to keep me safe while I do the hard work. We enter into a world of dreams and fight our way to the dream master, essentially. There is a lot more to it than that, of course, but it is impossible to describe. Just be ready for absolutely anything.” That’s really, really ominous.

“So what kind of control do you get over the dreams when we wrestle this monster down?”

“I can do anything, really. I usually leave it on a pleasant setting, trying to minimize nightmares. However, I can take active control if I want, inserting messages at will. And I can enter individual dreams as well. Normal dreams are chaotic and unformed, but when I enter, they become more normal and the pony dreaming gains control.”

“That’s pretty neat. So if we’re both connected to this thing, what will that do to me?”

“I don’t know. You might be able to use it afterwards, if you learned how. It uses surprisingly little magic; I honestly don’t know much about the artifact, and Celestia knows even less. There are no books anywhere about it and there is nothing else to indicate what it does. We learned what it did through trial and error.” She blushed. “A lot of errors. Ponies were dreaming about… About Celestia and I doing… things to each other… It was horrible.”

“Are we talking sexy things or scary things?” At her blush, I knew. “Nice. Can we do that again?” She gave me a look of horror. “Just asking! I mean, I know she’s in heat because she’s been hitting on me all week. She suggested a foursome with you, me, Chrysalis, and her.”

“She told you about that?” She sounded rather disturbed.

“Yeah. In front of Chrysalis, who seemed to like the idea.”

She sighed. “I told her you wouldn’t be interested.”

“Whoa now, who said that?” Her head jerked up at me. “If you’re interested, I’d totally be down.” Her blush seemed to be creeping down her neck. “Uh… Are you okay? We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, Luna. Honestly, I think the two of them could probably do it together and never miss us.”

“You’ve had a busy week, haven’t you?” she asked in a strained voice.

“Yeah. It has been interesting. I regret some of it. Some of it I don’t. I hope Pinkie has those pictures of Rainbow Dash in Celestia’s crown saved somewhere…” Some of the tenseness in Luna’s body dissolved at that. “You need a masseuse or something. You’re really tense.”

“I’m fine, Nav.” Her body eased up a little more. “Perhaps after we take control of the dream artifact, you can… help me relax.”

“I like the sound of that.” I paused for a moment. “Damn, I think I have some kind of spell on me or something. All this week, I’ve been thinking about getting laid, even though I’m still not sexually attracted to ponies.”

“You know… there might be a spell on you. Celestia sure did take her time testing you that morning. I can check if you want.”

“By all means. I’ve been feeling weird for a while. I thought it was just Chrysalis’s mind-fuckery.”

We stopped and she leaned her head in, touching my forehead with her horn. After a moment she gasped and pulled back, reeling a bit. “There are four spells on you! All of them increase libido, both in you and in mares near you! How…” Her eyes narrowed. “Oh. I can’t dispel all four of these right now. Two of them are monstrously powerful. I can, however, get rid of two of them.” She leaned in close again and her horn lit up even brighter. I felt a tugging at my mind as something went loose, and a ripping as something else was torn away. She pulled away and I shook my head, trying to clear it a bit. “I know one of them was from Celestia. I suspect one of them was from Twilight. Do you know where you got the other two?”

“I was drugged last night. There’s no telling what happened.” One of them was probably Chrysalis. The other… who knows?

“Hm. Well, I feel better already. I was wondering why I heard so many servants whispering about you. Now I know.”

“Do you know how old any of the spells are?”

“The strongest is over two weeks old. I suspect Celestia hit you with it before you left for the Maris party. It will be hard to remove even when I am at my best. Tell her to remove it tomorrow, before the wedding. I’ll remove the other one later tonight.”

“Later tonight? Ooh, does that mean you’re going to wait until after you and I… relax?”

“Ugh. I should just remove it now…”

“That’s not a no.”

She smiled. “You’re right. It’s not. You’ll have to show me how your armor comes off… For now, though, we need to get to the rehearsal thing. Just one more thing before we go.” She bent in and touched my breastplate with her horn. It glowed brightly and the entire thing felt insanely lighter.

She pulled her head up with a small smile that turned into a gasp as I grabbed her in another embrace and pulled her forward to kiss me. Again, her tongue didn’t fight back as mine explored her mouth. After a moment I pulled back. She was panting lightly.

“What did I tell you about eating cupcakes for breakfast?” I asked with another smirk.

“One of these days you’re going to have to tell me why you keep invading my mouth,” she panted. “But for now… I like it.” She used magic to push me against the wall, grating my armor against the stone. She walked up in what was probably a seductive manner and planted a kiss on my face. She pulled back almost instantly, grinning. “That’s all you get for now. So let’s go.” Her magic let me go and her horn glowed again as we teleported to the Royal Overlook thing where the wedding was to take place.

We were actually the first ones there. I was tempted to ask her to continue, but I didn’t really want to risk anyone stepping in on that.

“So where exactly is this dream thing in the Everfree forest, anyway?”

“It is in our ancient castle. It has been a few years since anypony that I know of has been there, and it is in that horrid forest. It is possible that some forest creatures have taken residence in the castle. You and the guards will clear them out if they have.”

“Easy enough. While we’re going there anyway, is there anything else we need to loot from that place?”

“Yes. There are many magical items I had then that I don’t have now. I would like as many of them back as possible.”

“So, what? We looking for thousand year old panties or something a bit more substantial?”

“What are these panties you keep speaking of?”

“They’re things chicks from my world wear under their pants or skirts. Unless they’re whores or just like going commando like me.”

“A whore like you, or somepony that likes going… commando?” I shrugged. “But no. You are looking for things other than clothing.”

“Cool. Any specifics?”

“Yes. But I will not tell you what just yet.” I shrugged again. “Ah, here they come. Tell me, have you ever been at a wedding before?”

“Yeah. I’ve been the best man, the camera man, a guest, a ring bearer, and a groomsman. And now I get to give the bride away. The only thing left for me is to get married myself, now.” With that, I walked down the long red carpet to meet the group coming in.

If you’ve seen one wedding rehearsal, you’ve pretty much seen them all. The three Crusaders were the flower girls. Twilight was apparently the best ‘man.’ Her friends were the bridesmaids—I don’t know what happened to Lyra, Colgate, and the other chick. Spike was the ringbearer. Celestia was the ‘priest.’ Cadance and Shining Armor were getting married. And I was giving the bride away.

Pretty simple, all things told.

The knighting ceremony was just as simple. Luna took Celestia’s place and called me forward. I went, knelt, repeated some words after her, she tapped me a few times with her horn, and then she passed a pillow with a broomstick on it. My real weapon wouldn’t be given to me until tomorrow. I didn’t even know what it was, though I suspected a sword. I was told to not bring my sword, crossbow, or bolts, though I was going to stash my crossbow in the Overlook before the ceremony began, just in case.

Anyway, that was that. It took nearly an hour, too. Celestia and Luna left to go ‘change the sun and moon,’ leaving the rest of us to our own devices.

I tracked down Twilight. “I need you to look at my mind,” I told her.

She looked at me blankly. “With the week you’ve had, no.”

“Luna told me Celestia and three other unicorns did something to me. Something about spells that increase libido. Luna was able to remove some of them, but I want to know if you can find anything she missed.”

Twilight’s eyes went wide. She stepped closer and her horn lit up. “Oh my. Yes, this does explain quite a bit. These two are frighteningly strong, too. This one is somewhat old… Celestia’s, probably. This one is newer… Chrysalis, maybe? It looks odd, so I’m going to assume yes. I might be able to… No. I can’t budge them, Nav. Why would Chrysalis have done this to you, though?”

“Twilight, I’m not gonna lie: I totally tapped dat ass. And my God, it was hot.” She looked disgusted. “I wasn’t in my right mind, so it’s okay! And you put one of the four spells on me, so you can’t judge.”

“I WHAT?!”

“There were four spells in there. One of them was yours, or so Luna thought. It would make sense, given the horrible things you did to me when you were under the effects of love poison.” And why they hurt but felt so good. “One of them was probably fr—Well, never mind about that. Is this really something Celestia would do, though?”

“This is the worst she’s ever been, as far as I know,” Twilight said. “I can’t wait for her to get out of heat. This is terrible.”

“Terrible for me, you mean! You don’t even remember what happened to you!”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t know it happened! Navarone, I know this may seem… like, well, a terrible idea, but maybe you should just go and… Ugh. ‘Tap’ Celestia. It might calm her down.”

I looked at her. She looked at me. “It wouldn’t be the first time,” I said aloud. She flinched. “What? Even immortal sun goddesses need to get laid. And if you really think it would help calm her down, I can totally use the spell she put on me.”

“You’re terrible, you know that?” She sighed, shaking her head. “I know it should work, though. It worked for…” She blushed again. “Well, you know.” Twilight has requested my services in the past for dealing with her feelings while she was in heat. I was able to calm her down for a few days.

I rarely know when a mare is in heat, but I’ve begun paying attention to where stallions go and when. Most of them do their best to avoid areas near the mare. In a large town like Ponyville, that leaves a lot of empty spaces since there isn’t an official Estrus season. It’s the reason a lot of stallions don’t bother living in places with a lot of mares, and why there aren’t that many of them in Ponyville. And that’s why couples like Lyra and Bon-Bon are considered acceptable.

Anyway… “I’m willing to take that hit for the team, Twilight,” I answered her with mock graveness. “Just don’t tell anyone. I’ll do it tomorrow before the wedding. Now, I believe I have things to attend to.” A Taya to put to bed and a night princess to play with.

Taya was easy. Luna was easier, but in a different sense. Bow chicka wow wow.

If you ever tell anyone I wrote that… Well, it’s a good thing I’m dead if you’re reading this.

The morning found me back at my writing desk, working on plagiarizing more stuff. I was tired of Shakespeare and decided to move on to Lewis Carroll. I was having a lot more fun than I should have, copying his stuff.

And then Taya woke up from the first real sleep my bed had gotten this entire trip. I set down what might well have been the last quill I would ever make from myself and looked around at her. I’ve been here too long. Fillies and colts actually look cute now instead of like small ponies. Still gonna avoid babies, though. “You finally up? Took you long enough.”

“Let me guess: You’ve been waiting all night?”

“How ever did you know? Although I did leave for a bit; I had things to take care of.” She muttered something. “I am sorry to say that after the knighting ceremony, I’ll have to leave Canterlot for a little while. If all goes well, I should get back within a few hours, but then I’ll be comatose for who knows how long dealing with something else. I just wanted to warn you so you could find something else to do.”

“Okay.” Not ‘where are you going’ or ‘will you be safe.’ Just ‘okay.’

“And I’ll also have a few physical changes after the knighting ceremony. My wings should change, my skin color should change, and my eyes should change. The skin color won’t remain changed long, but I’ll keep the wings for a little while to see about them. The eyes, I’ll probably keep.”

“Okay.” That’s kind of starting to get annoying.

“Do you want a hug?”

“Yes.” That’s better. I walked over to the bed and hugged her. She let me go and managed to scamper onto my shoulders somehow. “Now, onwards to breakfast!”

“Fine. But when you finish eating, I need to go and have a talk with Celestia. She needs to correct a mistake she made. You can go on to the library or to Chrysalis or something, but it’s something I need to see her alone about.”

“Okay.” For fuck’s sake.

As we walked through the halls, I started hearing music. “Not again…” We hit a wall of servants, dancing about the halls and singing and whatnot about weddings and marriage and all that fun stuff. We continued, unabated. We ran into Cadance, singing what was probably a duet with Shining Armor somewhere in another part of the castle. It was at that point that I noticed all the servants we ran into were mares. We continued on our way.

When we got to the dining hall, we found all the males and Shining Armor, still singing. I sighed and set Taya down so she could make her way to the buffet or whatever.

The song was winding down around the time she got back. When it finished, I gently clapped. It was pretty alright.

Shining Armor saw me and Taya and trotted over. “Hey Nav. About the bachelor party… what happened? I got woken up by two snickering mares to find out that I was being spooned by a male night guard! And I was in a whole world of pain, worse than anything the changeling monster could have done.”

“You got drunk, dude. That’s what happens when you start drinking flaming shots.”

“What’s… a flaming shot?”

“A shot of alcohol is a small glass of it. Small for humans is…” I reached over and grabbed one of Taya’s forelegs and set it on the table. “About the size of her hoof.” I let her go. “For you guys, it’s about the size of a regular cup. And a flaming shot is a shot of alcohol that is literally on fire. Spike was lighting those bastards up and you were drinking them. It was pretty awesome.”

His face grew pale. “I… drank fire?”

“Kinda, yeah. I’m surprised you have any facial fur left. You’re lucky you woke up next to that night guard. If some of your friends had their way, you would have woken up with me.” He blanched. “I should mention before you think unpleasant thoughts: I woke up in a pile of thirty mares.” His mouth dropped. “Yeah, that was my opinion on the matter. Dude, I left your bachelor party with that mare that showed us all about wings. She took me to a party in some club and I got drugged. I don’t remember what happened, but I’m pretty sure I got laid. A lot. If you had been there, you would have gotten laid a lot too. So yeah, be glad you woke up with that night guy.”

“You got drugged?!” he said, his voice sounding hoarse. “You should have told me sooner, Nav! I’d've locked up the guy that did it and all the mares that participated!”

“Hey, I didn’t say that I regretted it. I can’t get anyone pregnant and pony diseases are incompatible with my body. I’ve gotten so much fucking tail this week, man… It’s been awesome.” I never realized it before, but saying ‘I got tail’ actually has a whole new meaning now.

“They broke the law! They need to be punished!”

“Good luck getting anything out of me. I ain’t gonna tell you a thing, and I dare you to try to read it from my mind.”

He grit his teeth. “You asked for it.” His horn glowed brightly and I felt something invade my mind. This wasn’t like Celestia’s invisible presence, digging around, or like Chrysalis’s presence, ghosting through my mind. This was a brute force, trying to find anything it could get its hands on.

And because of that, he wasn’t expecting me to give him all the images of every time I had sex with Twilight.

Shining Armor recoiled in horror, retching. “You… sick… Ew!” He shuddered one last time. He growled and his horn glowed bright again as he ripped into my mind.

Which made it really easy to give him the images of me fucking Chrysalis. This time he actually vomited.

“If you do that again, I’ll make you scream like a little girl,” I warned him. “I don’t want to do that before your wedding, so please, for your sake, stop.”

With a beastly yell, he ripped his head around and his horn glowed one last time. He entered my mind to find two doors. He looked at them both. “What is this?” he beamed into my mind.

“Don’t do it,” I whispered back. The whispers echoed in the emptiness of my mind, thousands of times, and then millions, turning into little more than an inarticulate murmur that sounded somewhat like gentle laughter. His presence snarled and ripped into the door on the left.

And he experienced the full feeling of being branded, raped, scratched, violated, tattooed, pierced, and a few other things. He fell to the floor screaming. It’s just as well, I suppose; the other door was me having sex with Celestia.

“I warned you. Let’s go, Taya.” We left as a group of servants ran over to check on Shining Armor. “I really didn’t want to do that to him on his wedding day,” I mused aloud as we walked to the throne room.

“You warned him.”

“That doesn’t make it right, Taya. I could have easily hidden everything from his relatively untrained mind. He may be the captain of the royal guard, but he doesn’t know much about reading minds. He pierced me with brute force, trying to bully his way in. I could have easily hidden everything from him and let him wander the void for hours. Instead, I chose to strike back. Was that wrong of me?”

“I don’t think so, no. He attacked you. He has no right to complain about losing.”

“That is what you and I think, at least. But will the law agree? I’ll ask Celestia before I ask her anything else. Are you going to the library?” She nodded. “I’ll see you there, hopefully. If I do get in trouble… Tell Pinkie Pie I need her to stay sane and to take care of you. Trust me. When the chips fall, Pinkie’s the only one of that bunch I’m willing to trust with my life. If you don’t want to trust her, go to Chrysalis.”

“If you get in trouble, I’m breaking you out and we’re running to changeling territory.”

“You know what… Yes. If I get arrested for this shit, fuck the ponies. They can deal with their own damn problems.” She smiled and wandered off her own way, toward the library.

I got into the throne room with no problem. There wasn’t a crowd to see her because of the wedding. “Celestia, I may have assaulted the captain of the guard.”

She looked down at me from her dais. “Explain.”

“I told him how I got drugged. He demanded names. I told him no and he tried to reach into my mind. I gave him a few memories he didn’t like. When I left, he was on the floor screaming.”

“Navarone, do you even know any names of the ponies that did anything to you?”

“Nope. I just know the name of the mare that brought me to the party, and she was innocent, or so Pinkie and Spike told me.”

“I see. Was Shining Armor in uniform?”

“He was wearing something, but it wasn’t armor.”

“Then he’s not on duty. You defended yourself against an unlawful mental intrusion by what amounts to a civilian. What images did you give him?”

“Promise you won’t be mad.” She just looked at me. “I gave him images of me and Twilight having sex, me and Chrysalis having sex, and everything Kat did to me.” Her eyes widened at that last one. “That’s why he was on the floor screaming.”

“You probably mentally scarred him for life, Nav! Don’t you think that was a little much?”

“I had warned him two or three times. He dug into my mind three times. You really need to train him better; he had no finesse at all.”

She sighed. “I will go and deal with this. You stay here. Where was he last?”

“Dining hall.” She strode out. The two guards with her followed, one of them glaring at me.

I wandered around the throne room, looking for one of the hidden doors that I knew had to be there. I figured they would be well hidden, which is why I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t find anything. Celestia came back half an hour later.

“Navarone, come here.” I went up to her. We disappeared, leaving the guards behind.

I looked around to find that we were in her room. “You, Celestia, need to get laid. And then you need to remove your spell on me.”

She smirked. “You’ve had fun this week, though! Seducing Twilight. Seducing Chrysalis. Making Cadance run away. Seducing an entire party full of mares. Quite a naughty colt, aren’t you?”

I smiled. “So where are my whips and chains?”

Her smile deepened. “I thought you’d never ask.”

My duties taken care of, I went to go take a shower, put on my armor and most of my weapons, and then find Taya. Then we went to store my crossbow in the overlook.

While we were in the overlook, I said to Taya, “I want you to not be anywhere near Chrysalis and Doppel today and tomorrow. Now what’s the code word?”

“Bacon.”

“Okay. The code word is now ‘watch.’ If they are going to make a move, they will make it either today or tomorrow. I’m sure Celestia has something planned for them, but I will not take chances. After the wedding, go to the reception. It’ll be public and there will be plenty of food. Avoid Shining Armor, because he’s probably still mad.”

We spent the rest of the day up until the wedding right there in the overlook. There was quite a lot to look at, and I got a bit of practice flying in armor.

The wedding came and went. It was alright. Quite a lot of guests. Really, it was just another wedding. Shining Armor was too busy giving looks of adoration to Cadance to glare at me.

The knighting ceremony, though… “Navarone, come forth,” Luna called. I marched forward, my armored feet making loud thumps even on the carpeted floor. “Kneel.” I went down on one knee. “Navarone, do you swear to serve me, Princess Luna, in all I say and command?”

“I swear to serve you, Princess Luna, in all you say and command.” I wish I didn’t have to say that, and I swear I felt bands of steel tighten around my soul.

“Do you swear to defend Equestria against all enemies from without and within?”

“I swear to defend Equestria against all enemies from without and within.” Easy enough. Ponies are pretty defenseless, and the only real monsters come from the Everfree. Getting sent abroad, though…

“Do you swear to come when needed to assist me in whatever I require?” I don’t remember that being part of the ceremony. From Celestia’s look, she didn’t either.

“I swear to come to you when needed to assist you however you require.” An odd thing to add.

Her horn glowed brightly and came down to my shoulder once. I felt a searing heat on my wings, starting at their base and working their way out. There was a collective gasp from the crowd. Luna’s head moved to my other shoulder. I felt my skin drain of color, turning a very dark grey. My eyes began to water and itch and the few shadows I could see began to draw back. Her horn shifted to the first shoulder she touched. My mouth exploded with blood and I flinched at the pain, letting out a gasp that splattered blood on the floor.

Luna and Celestia were the only ones in front of me, thank God, and even they gasped at that. Thankfully, no one else could see the blood I just spit out and the carpet was red anyway. Luna quickly recovered and her horn glowed again, summoning a red towel for me. I grabbed it with a shaking hand and wiped my mouth, spitting blood and trying to find out what happened. I couldn’t feel anything through my gauntlets.

She used that time to pull a pillow out from behind her. On it was a case. She set the pillow down to her side and pulled the top off the case. When I had my mouth clean and the rag tucked away, Luna’s voice rang out again. “Rise, Sir Navarone, Knight of the Lunar Order.” I got to my feet, finally noticing how different my wings felt. “Your weapon, Sir Knight.” She used magic to pull a massive and very dark looking axe from the case beside her. An axe? Color me surprised. A brutal weapon. I reached out and grasped it from the air with both hands. It was honestly surprisingly light, and I assumed she had it enchanted or something.

“Stand by my side, sir knight,” she called one last time. I did as she asked, holding the axe in one hand. I turned to face the crowd and there was another large gasp; none of them had seen my skin turn colors with all the armor covering me. Given how small my eyes were in comparison to theirs, they probably didn’t even notice the difference there. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut.

And that’s when I actually felt it. Holy fuck, my canines are gigantic! Luna said her knighting thing makes people more fearsome. What better way to make an omnivore that lives among herbivores scarier than by reminding everyone that he can eat meat?

And that was pretty much that. Everyone left but me, Luna, and Taya. When the last guest was gone, I pulled one of my gauntlets off and poked at my teeth. “Luna, what the fuck is this?” I asked, noting how ridiculously sharp they were.

“Those are big teeth,” she answered.

“No shit, Sherlock! That hurt like a bitch, too! Still does.” She bent down and turned my skin color back.

“Do you want me to change your teeth, too?”

I ran my tongue over them again. I could hide them for a while. They would be noticed eventually. “Taya, what do you think?”

“Keep them.”

“I’ll let you know later, Luna.” I stretched out my wings, noting how odd they felt. “These things are cold compared to my wings. My other wings, I mean.” The new ones were purple and black, similar to my armor. “So when do we leave?”

“Have you spoken with Celestia?”

“Yeah.”

“Then right now, my loyal knight.”

I looked down at the axe that I had laid against my leg. “Where am I going to put this thing? Also, an axe? Really?”

Her horn glowed and a belt came out of the case. There was a loop that the axe would fit in. I suppose I should describe the damn thing, since it’s ‘my badge of office’ or some shit. It had a long haft that ended in a very broad head. At the top of the haft, above the blade, was a pointy spike. At the bottom of the haft was a dull spike. I ran my finger lightly over the blade and nodded with a smile. Sharp.

I grabbed the belt out of the air. “Yes, an axe,” she answered. I slung the belt over a shoulder and noted how small it was; it wouldn’t fit.

I passed it to Taya. “I need that to fit around my body, like my sword belt.” She did magic to it and passed it back. I slung it around my body easily that time and hung the axe up.

“You know that was supposed to go around your waist, right?” Luna asked.

“I don’t wear big weapons there because I never use them. I keep the weapons I use at my waist. Or around my shoulder. Speaking of which…” I went to where I hid the crossbow and the bolts and grabbed them. I sighed as the familiar weight settled on me.

“I didn’t know you were going to hide… those here,” Luna said with a bit of distaste. “You’re supposed to use your axe!”

“I don’t even know how to use a sword. Why would I know how to use an axe?”

Her left eye twitched. “What kind of knight are you?”

“The reluctant kind. I didn’t want to be knighted. I didn’t—and don’t—want armor. I didn’t want a new weapon. I told all of you this and you made me do this shit anyway. I’ll play your dog and pony game, but don’t expect me to like it.”

“Well. You are mine now. Now let’s go.” She lifted her wings and dove out of the overlook.

“Go to the reception, Taya. I’ll be back when I can.” I jumped, hoping my new wings worked as well as the old. I didn’t hear Taya’s answer, if she had one.

Luna led me to a large courtyard where it looked like a group of her royal guards was preparing for war. We landed among them and they pretty much ignored us. Luna strode up to an area that was raised above the rest for some reason and called for attention. All the guards stopped what they were doing and looked up at her.

She pointed to me. “That is Sir Navarone. He is my only knight. Don’t let him die.” They all looked at me for a moment before turning back to her. She had stopped pointing, at least. “Now, you all are going into the Everfree forest to the site of the old castle. You are going to recover an artifact of immense power. No pony knows what might be residing in the castle right now, but we don’t think there is anything there; that is where the… Well, never mind about that. We believe the site to be clear. But just because we think that does not make it true. No pony goes anywhere alone. If you must break into teams, break into teams so each pony group is represented.” In terms of pony races, the earth pony is the tank, the pegasus is your DPS, and your unicorn is your all-around mage. “Now go.”

All the earth ponies and the unicorns piled into dark, evil looking chariots. The unicorns used their magic to hook the pegasi up. They took off and I went with them, just flying alongside the others. I loaded my crossbow in the air, just in case. I wasn’t expecting anything to fly out of the forest to attack us, but I knew manticores could.

It wasn’t until we were over the forest did I realize she never told me what she wanted me to loot. I figured she gave one of the guards a list. I was also assuming she gave them directions, and a description of the artifact we were hunting.

It took us about forty-five minutes to fly to the location. We set up outside of the castle ruins. There didn’t appear to be anything, but everyone was on edge anyway.

“Alright, so who knows what we’re looking for?” I asked aloud.

They all looked at me blankly. “You mean you don’t?” one of them finally asked.

“No one ever tells me shit. What’s the description?”

“She didn’t tell us. We figured she would tell you.”

I looked at them. They looked at me. I turned to look at the castle for a moment and then back to them. “If any of you feels like flying back and telling her we can’t figure this out, by all means. I’m going in there and exploring. It’s an ancient mysterious magical artifact that’s probably dangerous. How hard can it be to find?” They looked at each other. A few of them shrugged. “Oh, and if we find any riches or anything, you guys get ten percent.” That got their attention.

I looked back to the castle. There was a closed portcullis there. “One of you unicorns get this thing out of my way.” I unslung my crossbow as someone hit the thing with a fireball, sending its corroded form crashing down and burning most of the ancient wood.

Oh, and I’ll go ahead and say this: There were thirty guards here with me. Seven teams of the three races and nine other pegasi for chariots.

“One team stay back here and watch the chariots,” I told them. “Three of the chariot pegasi, stay with them. The rest of you, come on.” Each ‘team’ was composed of one earth pony, one unicorn, and one pegasus. I started into the castle courtyard, walking over the red-hot portcullis without even feeling it in my boots. They followed me, their hooves protecting them from the heat.

I was really hoping there wouldn’t be anything here, if the portcullis was down. But then, nothing with wings should have been stopped from getting in. And it would be a pretty good safe place from things without wings because it’s enclosed.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” one of the pegasus ponies muttered.

“Keep it to yourself,” I told him. “I ain’t gonna have you jinxing us.” I looked around the courtyard. It was very overgrown. “Watch out for snakes and blue flowers. Can one of you trim this grass or something?” One of the unicorns lit up and a blue fire began flying across the ground, destroying all the plants—and hopefully any critters lying in wait. “Not what I meant, but that works.”

We pushed in further. There were doors dotted around. Some of them seemed to lead to the walls while a few of them led into the castle proper. “Does anyone have a map of this damn place?” I asked.

One of them walked towards me and reached into his pack, pulling out a paper. I looked at it and it was most definitely a map. A thousand year old map. I looked at it and looked up and around me. This place had changed in a thousand years. I don’t know if it was Everfree mind-fuckery or if a thousand years of corrosion and whatnot just started dropping the palace to pieces, but it was different. I looked at the map again.

“Okay, this thing was actually labeled for us. That’s good. Alright… Center doors. Go figure.” We made our way up to the doors. They weren’t there anymore, but there was at least a hole we could get through. The dust on the ground was scratched by claws and had a few paw imprints. “Well, we know we have a bit of company. No lights; we can all see in the dark and hopefully they can’t. Anyone know what these tracks are?”

“Manticore,” one guy said. “They aren’t too dangerous if we stick together. They aren’t pack animals, so we shouldn’t run into too many.”

“Good. Who knows how to use a map?” A unicorn raised his hoof. “You’re the navigator. You and your team take point. Everyone else, be prepared to protect them and guide them out if we run into serious opposition.”

“Shouldn’t you lead?” one of them asked as the unicorn and his team went in, grabbing the map.

“I’ll be right next to them,” I answered as I followed the unicorn in. I made sure my crossbow was ready as we went into the darkness that wasn’t actually so dark with my new eyes. “Where to?”

The unicorn started off down a long hallway. We followed, the rest of the teams spreading out a bit behind us. There didn’t appear to be as many tracks this way, thankfully. We were all still just as careful, of course. After a few minutes we got to a crossing. Without prompting, the unicorn went to the left. We all followed. When we got to a staircase going down, he stopped.

“The map shows this as being our stop,” he said, looking around.

“Does that mean what we’re looking for is down there?” one of his team asked.

“Fuck if I know,” I answered. “Let’s go.” And down we went.

And down.

And down.

“Okay, whoever designed this castle is a dick,” I said after about fifteen minutes of descending.

“I don’t know what you mean by that, but they are a jerk,” the earth pony agreed.

“Alright, fuck this shit. Everybody, hold up.” We all stopped. “Alright. The six chariot pegasi, come with me. Everyone else, continue.” With that, I jumped down and let my wings carry me. The pegasi followed.

We fell for half an hour. Eventually I saw something moving ahead of us. I landed and tumbled a bit on the stairs, and the pegasi behind me did as well. I usually have a bit of a farther sightline than ponies, since I’m a predator. They usually have broader sightlines to make up for it. “Something moving up ahead,” I warned them. They got ready and we began moving down as silently as a guy in plate mail and six ponies with hooves can move.

Which is probably why we didn’t surprise the large group of night ponies going down. “Okay, what the fuck,” I said aloud as we got close enough to realize we ended up behind the other group.

“Magic,” a unicorn answered.

“Someone hit him,” I said, turning around and looking back the way we came. Darkness. I looked back down. Darkness. “I don’t suppose any of you unicorns know any dispelling stuff?” One of their horns glowed. The entire place fucking lit up, causing us all to wince in shock.

“That should do it,” the unicorn said. “Whatever spell was here should be gone.”

Down or up? “We go down,” I said. Down we went. Two minutes later we hit a drop.

Someone stuck his head down and barked a laugh. “We’re back where we started,” he said. “But there’s a new door here.”

Dammit, Luna. “Everyone back in the hall. Don’t touch the door yet.” We all hopped down. I looked down the stairs and saw nothing but darkness. I looked back and saw the same thing. “Fucking magic,” I muttered. “Alright, is that door open?”

Someone checked it. “Locked.”

“Can one of you unicorns remove it without blowing it up? Pick the lock, perhaps?”

One of them tried something. “Try it now.” Nothing. “The door seems to be immune to magic.”

“Well fuck. Can one of you earth ponies kick it in without knocking it off its hinges?”

Three of them walked up to it and gave it an appraising eye. One of them nodded and the other two backed off. The one in the center reared up on his front legs and kicked the door for all he was worth with his back legs. The door bulged but didn’t open or crack. He stepped away from the door with a defeated air.

“Fuck it.” I pulled the axe from my back. “Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in,” I murmured as I took a few steps forward, hefting it. “Not by the hairs of your chinny chin chin? Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your ho—Wait.” I stopped. “This place is magic, right?” I asked aloud. I got several nods.

I politely knocked on the door. It swung open. “Huh.” I slid my axe onto my back and grabbed my crossbow from where I had set it.

“Well then, shall we?” I asked. One of them made to move. “Wait.” They stopped. “I’ve seen this episode before.” I set my crossbow down and pulled out my axe again. I jammed the blade into the door crack, to make sure it stayed open. I left it there and readied my crossbow. “Let’s go.”

I went in first. The door jerked, trying to slam shut. I heard a cracking sound around my axe blade. After a moment, the pressure on the door eased up and stopped entirely. The ponies followed me in. We appeared to be in a large storage room full of junk. “Alright, is there any way to detect magical items or something?” I asked.

“Yes, but it only works for unicorns,” one of them said. After a moment, his horn lit up. Several objects in the room seemed to glow. “For anypony not familiar, the brighter the object is the more powerful it is.”

“So we want that thing?” I asked, pointing to something that looked like a sun.

The unicorn gasped. “You can see it?”

“Yeah. You guys with the bags, grab everything the unicorns tell you is magic. Everyone else, try to figure out how to get the objective out.” Me and a single squad approached it. “Any ideas?”

“Pick it up and take it,” the earth pony answered.

“Works for me. Three earth ponies, over here.” Two more joined our group. “See if you can pick this thing up.” They went over to it and examined it from a few angles. The actual appearance of it was a statue. An odd statue. There was a hole at the base that looked like something could be fitted inside of it. The actual statue itself seemed to be of a kind of demon or something.

Wait. So much in this world seems to be based on mythology… Could it be… “Turn the magic finding spell off and shine some light on this thing,” I ordered. They did so and I gasped. I brushed my fingers across the writing to be sure. “That’s Greek for Morpheus. I’m sure of it!”

“So what does that mean?” one of the unicorns asked.

“That means that whatever this thing is, it comes from my world. Greek? Exact replication of Morpheus? No fucking way.”

“Whatever. Can we get back to collecting this stuff?”

“Yeah…” He cast the magic finding spell again. The three earth ponies somehow managed to pick the statue up and set it down across their backs. The other guys seemed to have collected everything magic already. “Alright, let’s go. Statue in the center, bags around it, everyone else on the outside. Move.” When we got out of the room, I retrieved my axe and slid it back. The door slammed shut.

Someone muttered something about treasure as we walked back out. “Hey, I didn’t say we were done in this castle,” I commented aloud. “I’ll take a poll when we get outside, staying and exploring versus leaving. If you guys vote to stay, we’ll split up a bit and look for treasure.” That calmed them down.

We got out with no problems and everything went into the chariots fine. “Alright, time for a vote. Who wants to stay and loot some more?” A little over half the hooves went up. “Alright. Two squads per group.” That makes three groups, with one squad guarding the chariots. “Two spare pegasi go with each group. Break out the rope. We’ll tie off lines at the entrance so no one gets lost. If anyone finds a frayed or torn rope that seems to lead off in the darkness, tug on it. If anyone finds that their rope is getting tugged, stop immediately and go back to find out why. From there, the two groups can either continue together or go back to tie off again. Any questions?”

“What do we do if we find hostiles?”

“Terminate them with extreme prejudice.”

“What do we do if we find treasure?”

“Send the two pegasi down your rope line to the entrance and get me. I’ll pull the lines and the other two groups will come out so they can help you retrieve it. Anything else?” Nothing. “You have five hours. Go.” Off they went.

An hour after I sent them off, a manticore stalked out of the castle. I don’t know how he missed the groups of ponies, but he was pissed. I readied myself for a fight but he just walked right past me without even seeing me. Neat. He took a few looks around the outside and noticed the portcullis down. With a roar, he charged it.

“Nope.” I shot him in the back. He spun around looking all around for me. I stepped outside as I reloaded. He roared again, somehow not seeing me. I shot him in the throat while he was roaring.

By this time, the ponies guarding the chariots were pounding their way to me and the body. They froze when they saw me standing over the dead manticore, pulling out my bolts. I waved them back to their positions.

For some reason, when I smelled the blood of the manticore, I started salivating. Well, I have fangs now… I made sure the ponies were gone. I pulled out my dagger and slit the manticore open. I sighed in pleasure at the smell before I realized what I was doing. I pulled the dagger up to my lips and tasted it. Sweet. Luna is definitely removing these teeth when I get back. I wiped the dagger on its coat and sheathed it, standing.

Another hour passed. Then another. A group of ponies came running and screaming out of the castle. They took a while to calm down, and it turns out they had dropped their rope.

When I finally got one calmed, he whispered, “Taraxippus…”

“Yeah, because that was really informative. What the fuck is that? And is anyone injured?” They were all fine, but none of them were able to tell me what they saw or ran into. “Is it dangerous, at least?” I finally asked. They looked at each other. One of them shook his head. “Then why did you run away?”

“We… we couldn’t face it,” one of them whimpered, going pale just at the memory.

I looked back into the castle. “How long did it take you to get back?” I asked.

“Ten minutes,” one of them more clear-headed ones answered.

“And you dropped the rope as soon as you saw it?” They nodded. “Then I’m going to go kill it so you can explore some more.”

“You can’t kill a Taraxippus!” one of them said. “It’s already dead!”

“But it’s not dangerous?” They all shook their heads. “Then I’ll go look at it.” They sighed. “Don’t go back in just yet. If one of the other groups comes back, go with them to help them get the treasure.”

In I went, following the rope. It led off in a completely different direction than we originally went. Knowing that I had a lot of stamina, I just started off running. It was awkward in armor, but I managed. About fifteen minutes after I started, I got to where I was going.

“Hello?” I called out. I saw a bright silver object approaching. “Are you the… Taraxippus?”

“You aren’t afraid,” I heard. It was like a whisper brushing into my mind. “But then, you aren’t equine, though you carry their scent. Part tree… part something.”

“Part man. I might not be afraid, but I am somewhat concerned. What are you, that can scare two squads of royal guards?”

“Equines are terrified of me. I do not know why. There was a creature here, a manticore. It was not afraid, but it was not intelligent. I have been alone for some time. Are you here to relieve my loneliness?”

“I kinda need to leave, sometime. Hey, do you know if there’s any treasure here?”

It ignored the question. “You need to leave?” It pulled in closer, but all I could make out of it was a pale silver mist. “Why would you want to do that?”

“Well, I’ll need to eat eventually. I also have a daughter that wants to see me. And I have a pretty important job that I need to do.”

“I see. What year is it?” I told him. Her. It. Whatever. “It has been some time. I chose to reside in these ruins because I caused fear everywhere I went. I have been alone for seven hundred years here.”

“That sucks. Why not go to the griffin kingdom? There aren’t many ponies there, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a few hundred miles north.” They live in Canada.

“That is… an interesting thought.”

“Or you could go and live with the dogs in the Diamond Dog mines. That’s a few hours… oh, east from here, I believe. Or you could go to the naga caverns about a hundred miles west. Or you could get on a boat and go across the ocean to the cat lands in Africa. Really, if you gave up that quickly and you only scare ponies, there’s kind of a problem, dude.”

It was silent. “Wow. I’m an idiot,” it finally said. “Seven hundred years of my unlife gone because I didn’t explore enough.”

“Well, we’re all stupid sometimes, bro. We’ll all be out of the castle in a few hours. Do you know where any treasure is?”

It seemed to sigh deeply. “Bring your rope. I will lead you to it.” I grabbed the rope and followed behind it. It led me for about five minutes before stopped at a door. “Here.”

I looked at the door. I tried opening it. Locked. I tried knocking. Nothing. “How do you get inside?” I asked it. It floated through the key hole. After a moment, it floated back out. “Okay, how do I get inside?”

“Break it down?” I shrugged and grabbed my axe.

A few swings later, I was able to look inside. “Here’s Joh—Oh shit!” Mounds of bits. Piles of gems. Several cases that contained who knew what. I pulled my head away and reached down to the door handle and opened it from that side. I eased the door open and whistled softly. “Well, ghost, you just made a bunch of rich men.” It didn’t answer. I looked around and saw that it was gone.

I shrugged and tied the rope off to the door handle and ran back to follow it. Twenty or so minutes later, I emerged.

“Well?” one of the guards asked.

“We’re all rich men,” I answered with a grin. They cheered as I pulled the other two ropes. It took one group ten minutes and the other group half an hour. “Go get some more bags, guys. You’re going to need them. Don’t open any of the cases, just stuff them in bags. Take both of your ropes with you just in case something happens to the first one.” They nodded and a few pegasi dashed off to get more bags from the chariots and off they all went.

An hour later, they emerged, smiling ear to ear, each one toting bags.

“Alright guys, lay the bags of bits and gems out. Put the bags with the cases and anything else to the side.” They did as I asked. “Okay. I promised you ten percent. Luna doesn’t know about this. She didn’t even know that I was going to go treasure hunting. So what she does not know cannot hurt her.” There were ten bags of bits, each bursting. There was another ten bags of gems. “Because of that, and given the generous bounty here… Would anyone say no to twenty?” More cheers. With a smile, I continued, “I thought not. Take two bags of coins and two bags of gems and set them aside. Get everything else loaded up.” They did as I ordered.

When they got the bags all loaded, they came back to me. “Okay. Who is the highest ranking officer here?” They all pointed at me. “Who is the highest ranking officer under me?” They pointed at a pegasus. “Do you have your own house?”

“Yessir.”

“Alright. Everyone else, do you trust him to hold onto your loot for a few hours, until you all get off and can go pick up your share?” A chorus of agreement. “Okay. You load up these four bags into your chariot and drop it all off at your house. The rest of us will slow down so you have time to get back without too much suspicion, but hurry the fuck up anyway. Alright?” He nodded. “Let’s go.”

And off we went. By the time we got back to Canterlot, it was dark. The officer took off with his chariot and all the ponies and loot in it and the rest of us slowed down a bit, circling the city. Ten minutes later, he pulled back up and we went to the castle. We landed in the same courtyard we started in. Off in the distance, I spotted the reception still going down.

“I want everything off these chariots. All the money and gems to one area, all the strange cases next to them, all the magical artifacts a bit away, and the strange statue in the center. Then get these chariots back where they’re supposed to be. Five pegasi go and guard the money at that officer’s house as soon as you drop the chariots off. The rest of you guard this area until I can get back with Luna.” They all moved to do as I asked.

I jumped into the air and flew over to the reception, hoping I could sneak in, grab Luna, and sneak out. I started hearing music as soon as I got out of the courtyard. I flew over to a building overlooking the reception and looked down into it, trying to find Luna.

I saw Cadance and Shining Armor saying something to Twilight. After a moment, Cadance threw something. I followed whatever it was she threw and saw it land right at Luna’s feet. There she is. She was bending down to pick it up as I leapt from the building. I landed right in front of her as she was standing up with a thing of flowers somehow attached to her front hoof. Flowers at a wedding? Wh—Oh. I hope she doesn’t see any symbolism there.

She dropped them in shock when I landed, anyway. Celestia was giggling. “We’ve got the statue thing,” I told Luna. Her eyes widened. “And who knows how many other magical artifacts. And a shitload of treasure. It’s all ready whenever you are.”

“Good. Let’s get out of this cursed party.” She jumped into the air, leaving the bouquet there.

I tried following her, only to get stopped by a bit of magic holding my leg. “Are you just going to leave that there?” Rarity asked me, looking at the bouquet. “The way Luna was looking at you…” She smiled. “I think she might need one of her own soon!”

“Rarity… Let me go.” She did with a huff and I followed Luna to the courtyard.

All of the chariots were gone by the time we got there and all of the bags were laid out, with the statue standing in the center of the courtyard. Luna was in front of it, grinning ear to ear. I landed next to her.

“Undamaged, unchanged, after all this time. Did you find it easily?”

“Yeah. There was a fucking illusion cast that made an endless staircase and hid the real door. We were going down that thing for nearly an hour before we figured it out. Then it took us a little while to figure out how to open the door. We ran into a manticore and something called… Taraxippus or something.”

She gasped at that. “Those are rare! Very, very rare! How did you get around it?”

“I talked to him and gave him some directions.”

She just gaped. After a moment she managed to say, “You talked with it? How?”

“You know, with my mouth? Words, and all that. Poor thing was lonely. Apparently all ponies are afraid of it as soon as they see it. Odd, but whatever.”

“Interesting. Now, what is in the rest of these bags? You mentioned treasure.”

I pointed to one grouping of bags. “Coins.” I moved my finger. “Gems.” I moved my finger again. “Cases of some kind. We didn’t open them, just in case.” I pointed to the last pile. “Magical items in the storeroom with the statue.”

“Money and gems...” She looked at me, beaming. “I can finally have my own treasury! I won’t be dependent on Tia anymore!”

“It’s not much, though,” I warned her. “I bet it cost that much to hold this fucking wedding.”

“No, just one of those bags. But this money is old, Nav. Really old. It is worth quite a bit more. Now, these cases you spoke of. Where are they?” I pointed. We walked over to the pile of bags. She ripped one open with her magic and picked up one of the cases. “Books. Some are probably records, some are probably histories, some are probably spell books. Somepony else can go through them all later, after preserving spells have been cast on them. The magical artifacts?” We went over to them and she opened a bag and pulled something out. “Yes, everything of mine that I owned before… the exile. Perfect.”

“So what now?” I asked.

“Now we move all of this away from this area and get it all stored away.” She turned to her guards. “Take everything but the statue to my personal store room. After that, you are free until your assigned patrols. Thank you, guards.” They all bowed and began to do as she asked.

“So what do we do with the statue? I thought you wanted to connect to it as quickly as possible.”

“We are going to take it to my room and connect there.” She walked back over to it and picked it up with magic. “Heavy, as always. Shall we, Nav?”

With that, we began the trek to her room. On the way there, I remembered something. “Luna, there’s something about that statue I think you should know.”

“How could you know anything about it?”

“I recognize it from my world.” She stopped and the statue slipped in her grip.

“Explain.”

I walked over to it and pointed out the Greek word. “That says Morpheus.” I pointed at the statue. “That’s a version of his mythological body. He was a Greek god, and had the ability to enter dreams.”

“This isn’t the first such instance of this, Navarone. It is odd, I grant you, especially given how old this statue is—or at least how old we think it is—but then, everything about it is odd. Now let’s go.” We continued on.

We made it to her room with no problems. She set the statue up in her personal bedroom and put a cushion down in front of it. “It has been a very long time since I did this, Navarone. Taking this thing over again will be difficult, even with your assistance. Are you ready?”

“Is there anything more you can tell me about it, before we start?”

“It is a dream world. Just remember that it is all a dream. I don’t know what will happen when we start this.”

“Can we get hurt?”

“Oh, definitely. We can’t die, of course, but there are worse things in life than dying. And whatever guards the statue knows that. Are you ready?”

What can you say to something like that? “Sure.”

“Just hold onto my horn, then.”

“Whoa now, I thought we got all that out of your system last night!” She gave me a look and rolled her eyes. I sighed and grabbed her horn. She lowered her head to the hole above the sign that said Morpheus and plugged it in.

I was in an ocean. I looked all around me wildly, trying to see anything. There was nothing but water as far as the eye could see. I looked down and saw blackness. The water was so deep I couldn’t see the bottom; anything could be lurking in the depths and I would never know.

I felt something brush my leg and my body jerked.

I’ve never mentioned this before, but something like this is one of my deepest fears. To be surrounded by nothing on all sides but water, unable to see anything but the darkness below, where anything can live… It is a terrifying thought.

I tried pushing myself up high enough to use my wings, but I was still in my plate armor. The only reason I was afloat at all was because of how light it was, but I didn’t think I would be able to actually fly out of the water with it.

I felt something else brush my legs, harder.

This is just a dream, she said. I closed my eyes. Take me to Luna. I will open my eyes and I will be there next to her.

I opened my eyes. Still in the ocean. Fuck you too, Luna. That something hit my legs again. “Fuck you!” I pulled out my dagger, waiting for it to strike again. For a while, nothing happened.

I closed my eyes. I have wings. They will work, water be damned. I started beating them, trying to get higher. I slowly rose out of the water, and that thing brushed me again. I raised my legs out and continued pushing with my wings until I was fully above the water, when I gave one more great thrust, clearing the water entirely and getting several feet above it.

Holy shit. I looked down to where I was and saw masses of jellyfish. Another great fear of mine. Fun. I was now very thankful for this armor. Fuck your cnidocytes, jellies! Oh God, I can’t believe I still know that word, after all these years away from biology.

I soared away from the area, sheathing my dagger. Water leaked from my armor, falling to the ocean in salty drops. That’s gonna rust so hard. I looked around and hoped that since I was higher I could see more. Nothing.

There’s going to be an island ahead of me. On it will be some very sexy native chicks that will worship the winged metal man and give him all the sex he could want.

I looked ahead again. There was an island, all right. I grinned, hoping the rest of it came true. I landed on the beach and walked in a bit, looking around. I spotted a chicken peeking out of the mass of trees.

Wait. I wanted sexy chicks here. Oh fuck. The chicken darted its head back in the foliage for a moment, and suddenly the tree line exploded with chickens rushing at me, clutching makeshift spears.

Nope, I’m out. I jumped into the air and flew away from the island.

“Alright, let’s try that again but with humans.” I paused in the air. “Wait, I should be finding Luna.” I thought back. If I was in some place I was afraid of… Then Luna would be on the moon.

I closed my eyes. The moon will have atmosphere. An atmosphere I can survive in. When I open my eyes, I will be on the moon. I opened my eyes and saw black and white all around. I took a hesitant breath in, and slowly let it out. “Smells funny, but I’m here. Now, where would Luna be on the moon?”

I looked around again and saw nothing. “Fuck. This is gonna take a while. Wait…” I closed my eyes. When I open my eyes, I will be able to see considerably farther and around the curvature of the moon. I opened my eyes and looked around again. Still nothing.

“For fuck’s sake.” I closed my eyes again and slowly began to spin around. When I open my eyes, I’ll be pointing at Luna. I opened my eyes.

I was looking at Earth. “What? How is that eve—Fucking dreams. Screw it.” I closed my eyes. Take me to Luna, fucking dream.

I opened my eyes a bit and they widened exponentially when I realized I was falling. I put my wings to use and flew back up to Luna. “There you are, Nav! Where did you go?”

I looked around and saw that we were over a familiar island. “I went to the moon looking for you,” I answered.

“That’s where it put me, but I got to you as quickly as I could. I was hoping you’d escape on your own. I guess you were able to.”

“Aye. Where to now?”

“My bedroom.”

“Again? I know you’re frisky, but I think we have more important things to do.”

“I thought you had my sister remove that spell!”

“I did, but you’re cute when you’re flustered.” She blushed. “Shall we?”

“Just hold onto me.” I gripped her tail and we appeared in her room. I saw her room as we had left it, including me and her sitting around the statue. “This is the hard part, Nav. I have to fight to take control of my body. The things I fear are going to appear around me while I fight. You have to stop them.”

“And I can summon anything to help me do that, right?”

“Yes.” I closed my eyes. When I open my eyes, I will have an AK-47 that never runs out of ammo. I opened my eyes and racked back the bolt. “Nav, what is that?”

“A human weapon. In a range like this, it will destroy anything I have to fight.”

She sighed. “It isn’t just fighting you’ll have to do, Nav. Get ready.” I looked around and shrugged. She reached out with her horn and touched the horn of the other Luna.

Celestia appeared. I immediately ravaged her with bullets and she dropped to the ground, leaking blood from about a dozen holes. I appeared and I killed myself. Twilight and her friends appeared. Each of her friends was wearing a necklace and Twilight had some tiara thing. I killed Twilight and Rarity first and Rainbow Dash next, before any of them could react.

The other three gasped. “What are you doing, Nav?” Fluttershy whispered. I cut Applejack down and killed Pinkie Pie next.

“Nothing personal, Fluttershy,” I answered, killing her. “But your jewelry was ugly.”

I went over and kicked Twilight. “That’s what you get for trying to kill me, cunt!”

Some strange black pony appeared in some kind of armor. I noticed that she was an alicorn and that’s about all I saw before I killed her too.

“Shit, this is easy.” The floor was getting soaked in blood and other stuff, and the smell was pretty terrible. The armor was keeping the gun from kicking against me too terribly, thankfully, so I wasn’t getting hurt at all.

Some ugly amalgamation of animals appeared and I killed him too, though he laughed before he disappeared. Sick fuck probably enjoyed it.

Two more alicorns appeared and had time to look surprised at the amount of bodies before they died. Then a kitten showed up and I killed it too. “Good God, why is she afraid of a kitten?”

“Hm.” I spun, tracking the target with the AK. My finger was on the trigger when I realized it was the real Luna. She was looking at the carnage in front of her with indifference. “I suppose that’s one way to deal with the problem.”

“...You aren’t freaked out?”

“I’ve caused worse carnage. Now it is your turn.” She concentrated on the bodies and they disappeared, taking the blood with them.

With a shrug, I tossed the gun aside. It vanished before hitting the ground. “You sure you can handle my fears?”

She gave me a blank look. “Yes.”

I pulled a gauntlet off and walked up to my body and put my hand on my head.

Who knows how long later, I opened my eyes, noticing I was sitting on the floor, arm outstretched. I achingly got to my feet.

“N-n-nav?” Luna weakly said.

“Yeah?” I asked as I popped my back.

“I’m so sorry.” I walked to her and wrapped her in a hug.

“It’s okay, Luna. Whatever you saw, it’s over. But we need to keep working. What do we do now?”

“No, it’s not over! The things I saw from your mind… What was that?!”

“No, Luna. I’m not having this discussion. I warned you that it would probably be bad. We need to keep moving. Where do we go now?”

She took a moment to collect herself, which thankfully didn’t take long. “We need to go where we originally found the artifact. It is an ancient place of power. We discovered it after an earthquake, I believe.”

“I’m ready.” We appeared in what looked like a steel chamber. My eyes could see fine, but Luna’s couldn’t. She created a light and we pushed forward. Without much thinking, I created another gun. A Vintorez, this time. I casually racked the bolt back as we walked.

She looked at it and asked, “What does that one do?”

“This one is like the previous one, but quieter and less messy. For all the fuckups of the Soviet Union, they knew how to make guns. Since that’s all they ever spent money on, I suppose that makes sense. What are we expecting here?”

“The artifact is going to try to truly repel us, here. I don’t believe it will use physical constructs, but keep that thing handy in case it does. Just… kill anything you see that isn’t us.”

I made good on that order when something rounded a corner ahead of us. It plopped to the ground, dead. “What the fuck?” I said aloud, looking at the horrid critter.

“I’ve never seen anything like that before,” Luna said. “This came from your mind, Nav.”

I looked at it. “Yep. That’s a monster from a game. I’m gonna need a bigger gun. I can make anything, right?”

“Well, I suppose.”

She had time to see me grin before I was in a suit of power armor holding a fucking bolt gun. “Thank you, Warhammer 40k. Luna, you might want to watch your ears.”

“Your voice!”

“That’s not my voice. Those are speakers on the side of my helmet. Watch my six, I’m going in.”

I walked into the doorway the monster came out of and shone my headlamps around. “Cle—Wait.” I saw two familiar looking people. “Oh, just my parents.” Two trigger pulls and they were paste. “Clear.”

“Navarone! Did you just… did you just kill your parents?”

“No, I just killed two constructs. I don’t think this simulation thought this through.” We heard laughter echoing through the halls. We continued. I saw another person that I recognized as my sister before I killed her. “Keep sending them forward. I have all the bullets a dream me can make.” When she came, I killed her too. “I’ll admit, that one twinged. But there’s no memories in my mind more painful than her, so you might as we—” Then Taya came and I turned her into paste without a thought. “Keep it up.”

“Navarone… are you okay?”

“Yeah. None of this is real. When are we going to start running into your loved ones again?”

“You already killed them all!”

“Oh yeah.” I giggled. “Well, I wouldn’t mind shooting myself again. You hear that, architect?” A mirror appeared and I shot it. The bullet went clear through and came back at me, hitting my armor and leaving a massive dent. “Oh you cunt!” I popped the dent out with barely a thought.

Luna gasped. “Are you okay?”

“Just hit my armor. Nothing much.” I reached out and tore the mirror down and we continued. Luna appeared ahead of us and I cut her down without a thought.

“Nav. Did you just kill me?”

“No, you’re standing right there.”

“I see.” Her tone was icy.

Onward we went. “I thought you said this would be hard,” I commented as I killed one of my only friends back home.

“It is, for anyone with a heart.”

“Then it’s a good thing you have me here,” I replied as I killed Derpy, Doctor Whooves, and a filly standing between them.

She didn’t answer.

“So just how far in do we need to go?”

“Another few miles, I believe.”

“Miles? Fuck that noise.” I dropped the bolter and picked Luna up with the enhanced strength of the armor and just ran down the halls, trampling anything that got in the way.

“I always wanted a strong stallion to lift me off my feet, but not quite like this,” Luna remarked as we ran over something.

“Well, I’m always defying expectations,” I answered.

I saw a closed door at the end of the hall and bent to let my shoulder take the brunt of it. “Nav, wait!”

Too late. I slammed into the door going full speed and blew straight through it, Luna still in my arms. I slid to a halt inside.

“W… What?” Luna whispered, looking around. We appeared to be on a catwalk. “Last time it took me ages to get past that door!”

“Luna, I’m wearing fucking power armor. Point me at something you want dead or destroyed and consider it gone.”

“I see,” she said with a tinge of respect. “Can you put me down now?”

“What kind of dashing hero would I be if I didn’t carry the beautiful princess?”

“Well, when you put it that way… You’re still not a hero. Put me down.” I sighed and set her down. “Better. Now, we are nearly done. It took nearly a week to traverse this artifact last time, as I recall. I think we’ve been here for maybe a day at the most.”

“A day? How is that possible? I guarded you for maybe an hour, and this run took two at the most. Before that we probably spent half an hour finding each other.”

She looked down. “I had… a hard time dealing with your fears.” I suppose abstract things are harder to deal with than constructs.

“Oh. Let’s go.” I pulled a bolter back out and we started down the catwalk. “You know, this looks kind of familiar, though I can’t say why.” I continued looking around. “Hell, it looks like something humans would have built, honestly.” I looked down and saw massive empty vats. Alongside the walls were several pods. “What is this place in real life?”

“This is a forbidden area, Nav. We are only here because we are in the dream. But this place is guarded so closely by almost every race on the planet that not even Celestia is allowed inside.”

“That’s odd. Why?”

“No pony knows anymore. The artifact came from here, but no pony knows when or why it was removed.”

“That’s really odd.”

“Quite. We have always wondered, but we respect that there are some things that can’t be known. Since most ponies don’t even know about it, we don’t bother.”

“Fair enough. So what are we looking for?”

“The storage room. It’s just at the other end. There shouldn’t be any more opposition.”

“Should and would build no bridges.”

“I’ll have you know that most of the bridges in Equestria are built out of wood.”

Bitch please. “Whatever.” We were nearing another door. I casually lifted my bolter and destroyed it. “So much easier than opening them.”

“Lazy. That door was easy to open!” We entered, but I had to duck a bit.

I whistled lightly, and giggled as it came out as a weird sound from my speakers. “If I knew this was back here, I wouldn’t have shot!” It looked like a museum or a storage room or something. A lot of things right behind the door were destroyed. We pushed in.

“It should be… Ah, there!” She led me to a twin of the statue. “Get out of that armor, Nav.”

“You ready to go again? Damn, Luna, you just really want my body, don’t you?”

“If you don’t stop it, I’m leaving you here.” I sighed and let the armor vanish. “Hold onto my horn.” I giggled as I reached out and grabbed it. She stuck her horn into the hole.

And we were back in her room. I stretched. “So, a day?”

“Yeah. I’m famished. Let’s go eat.”

“I’m down with that.”

“Celestia will also need to know about the statue. Actually, wait, I should probably turn it on before we go anywhere.” She bent back down to the statue and plugged her horn in again. After a moment, she pulled back. “Sweet dreams, everypony,” she whispered. “Let’s go eat, Nav.”

“You know, we could stay here… I can think of something very edible right in front of me.”

She blushed, but said, “Later. We need to see Celestia, if she’s still awake.”

“Oh yeah, that does remind me: You need to take my teeth away. They changed my taste buds to love meat and blood. I already liked the taste of meat, but I don’t need to start craving it again.”

She grimaced at that. “Yes, that is something I need to change.” She bent her head in and removed my large canines. “How are you liking your wings so far?”

“They’re fine, so far. But we’re going to have to test whether or not they’re still sensitive later. After we eat and see Celestia, I suppose.”

“Well then, let’s go.” And off we went. As soon as we opened her bedroom door, we stopped.

“Hello, Taya,” I said.

She jumped at me and knocked me back a few steps with a hug.

“How can ponies jump so high?” I asked no one as I propped her up.

“I thought you said you were only going to be gone for a few hours,” she whispered.

“Code word?”

“Watch. What took you so long?”

“I wasn’t expecting this to take so long. Luna didn’t tell me. Apparently last time it took her a week to do it. I just sped up the process so much because I’m awesome.” Luna snorted at that. “Have you eaten yet?” I asked her.

“No. It’s been about twenty hours since you disappeared from the reception,” she said.

“Then let’s go eat,” I said. She scampered back onto my shoulders.

With a loud hmph, she jumped down. “The axe is in my way.”

“Blame Luna. The only use that thing has gotten so far is as a door stopper and a door opener.”

Luna growled at that. “You should have thought of that before becoming my knight.”

“My other choice was Celestia. What would she have gotten me, a dildo sword?”

“I don’t know what that is,” Luna answered. “But it would have been either a sword or a spear. Now come on, I’m famished.” We continued out. “Taya, your father is a very brave stallion.”

“No he’s not,” Taya answered. Luna looked at her in shock. “He’s a very brave man.”

“And a bad one,” I answered, receiving the expected answer of getting knocked to the ground.

“Taya! That wasn’t very nice!” Luna said, pulling me to my feet with magic and glaring at her.

“Nah, it’s okay. I knew she was going to.”

Luna gave a look of surprise to me. “You allow this behavior?”

“Yeah. What am I going to do, forbid her from doing something she believes in?”

“If it’s wrong, yes!”

“That’s assuming it’s wrong.”

“If she’s hurting you, it’s obviously wrong.”

“What if I deserve to be hurt, though?”

“If she’s doing it because you deserve it, she isn’t hurting you nearly enough.”

“So you want me to hurt him more?” Taya asked. “Because I can, if the princess demands it.”

“You’re all sadistic!” I sighed. “Damn ponies call me a terrible person!”

“Well, you kind of are,” Luna answered. I just sighed.

After a moment, Taya said, “Well?”

“I’m not hitting Luna, Taya.”

“She defamed your good name!”

I sighed, pulled my gauntlet off, and slapped Luna’s ass. “There, happy?”

Luna gave me a shocked look, blushing brightly. Taya nodded with a smile.

“Man, why are we walking to the mess hall when we could be teleporting there?” I asked.

“Because you just… slapped my flank!” Luna growled.

“You’re the one who’s hungry, not me,” I said with a shrug. I had gotten good at that in armor. “Why not just take all three of us down there?”

“Ugh. Fine.” After a moment we disappeared and reappeared in the dining room. I ended up on top of a table somehow.

There were a multitude of gasps and shouts when we appeared in the middle of dinner. I noticed one of my feet was in soup. “My apologies,” I said, jumping off the table. The guard whose soup I was in grumbled something. Sounded like he was trying to call the waiter about a human in his soup.

“There you are, Luna!” Celestia called from the front table.

“You two are free to do whatever,” Luna told us as she made her way up to the table. “Just don’t leave Canterlot without telling me.”

Taya was already moving to the line to get some food. I joined her, though I wasn’t all that hungry; I had been eating quite a bit recently. We grabbed some stuff and sat at a mostly empty table.

“Where are the others?” I asked as we started eating.

“If you mean Twilight and her friends, they left earlier today. Pinkie wanted to wait for you, but the others pulled her away.” Interesting.

“What about Chrysalis and Doppel?”

“Still in the palace. They didn’t try anything.”

“And the shield?”

“Gone.”

“Good. Looks like we made a peace of sorts. Do you know if a deal has been made yet?” She shrugged. “Well, it’s not really our problem. As long as I’m not called to fight, at least.” She just continued eating, and I joined her. The soup was pretty decent, but I suspect it was less so with a boot in it.

We finished eating quickly and got up to leave. I almost ended up back down when I found myself getting hugged by a night guard. “Uh, hi,” I said, patting him on his back.

He pulled back grinning. “Thank you, Sir Navarone. That bonus you gave me helped me finally get married and buy a house. Thank you so much.”

“No problem. Just don’t forget that the princesses don’t exactly know about this. Be careful with your spending, and make sure to spread the word around.”

“Oh no, Princess Celestia knows. She knows and she approves.”

“Oh. Huh. Well, I guess do whatever floats your boat. But just remember that this bonus was a onetime thing, unless you get picked for a job like this again and you end up getting lucky. Don’t spend more than you have.”

He saluted. “I’m not going poor again.” He dropped his salute. “And if you ever need a bruiser, ask any of the night guards. We all have your back, now. You may have only given the bonus to those of us in the expedition, but we look after our own; that money was enough to give everypony a bonus of four years’ wages.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “That was really generous.” It probably wouldn’t have happened in my world. “Sounds to me like you guys need thanks more than I do.”

He smiled at that. “You’re the one that gave us the idea and the bits to use. Anyway, I need to get to my shift. Nice talking to you, Sir Navarone.” With another salute, he went off.

I turned and found Taya looking at me. “What?” I asked.

“You’re not a bad person.”

“Let’s go... do something, I guess. Any ideas?”

“We can talk to Chrysalis and Doppel. I know Doppel, at least, wanted to talk to you.”

“Talk to me, or punch me in the face again?”

“Talk. And that’s all she’ll be doing.”

“Good. We can to go my room so I can get out of this damn armor first.” And off we went. We got to my room easily enough and the armor went clattering to the floor. “Can you magic this stuff clean?”

“Easily.” Her horn glowed and it all returned to pristine condition.

“I knew there was a reason magic didn’t completely suck. I just need to get changed and we can go.” I did that and grabbed my throwing knives and we went down a door.

I knocked and it opened. Doppel looked out at me. She blinked, and motioned us inside. “So you’re finally back, Navarone,” Chrysalis said from her couch. “We were wondering when you would return. Oh, and you have new wings and even prettier eyes.”

“I’ve been in the palace for quite a while. I’ve just been busy. Unfortunately I didn’t get to get drunk, so there’s still a barrel of booze next door that you’re welcome to. I have been running all over the place.”

“I’ve heard. Or at least, I have heard a bit of it. Apparently you did something quite nice, or so Celestia seems to tell it.”

I shrugged, a much easier feat without armor. “You could say that. Apparently I just helped loot and then activate a dream machine or something. While we were looting that, we picked up a bunch of coins and gems. I just made sure the guards that were with me got a cut.”

“That is quite nice of you. I would not have done that. I doubt Celestia or Luna would have either, though Celestia appears to have approved, now that it’s done.”

“Well, she kind of had to. It would have been political suicide to take the money from the troops now that they have it, and it would be better to be seen as generous by approving it than be seen as cruel by denouncing it. And saying nothing would probably hurt rather than help. So she might as well do the smart thing and appear kind and generous.”

Chrysalis smiled. “It is a shame Luna has sunk her claws in you. I know I could use you, though politics are of much less concern where I come from. There, I rule.”

“I have to wonder though… If the shield is gone, why are you still here?”

“I saw Ditto today. He assured me that the promised convicts and love poisons have been delivered. I am currently not needed among the swarm. I will be leaving shortly, however; some things just need finalizing before I return home.”

“A shame. I will miss talking to you. I am unable to talk to any of the ponies as I was with you. I can’t win with some of these ponies.”

“I understand. They are not quite like us, which is in some ways a good thing.”

“I even got Luna a little freaked out today. I had to protect her in that dream world we were in. That entailed killing quite a few constructs that chose the form of people we knew and loved. She seemed disturbed that I didn’t hesitate to shoot any of them.”

“If they were constructs, why would you hesitate?”

“Exactly. I knew they weren’t real and she knew they weren’t real. Apparently I was supposed to feel some hesitation.”

“Who all did you have to kill?” Taya asked.

“Twilight and her five friends. Celestia. Luna. My parents. My sister. You. Myself. A few other friends. Luna’s parents. A kitten. A few other things.”

“Oh,” she said in a quiet voice.

“That wasn’t the real you, Taya.”

“I know.”

“Can I watch it all play out, Navarone?” Chrysalis asked, looking at me with a bit of hope.

“There’s not really much emotion in there, but if you can read my mind like Celestia, sure. Just don’t go any farther than that.” She eagerly got to her feet and stepped over to me and Taya and bent her head down, her horn glowing.

A few minutes later, she stepped back. “Marvelous. Such destruction… such carnage! If only you had such tools to work with here… Do you think you could make them?”

“It might be possible to make a basic gun. Gunpowder isn’t too hard to make, I don’t think. I couldn’t manufacture anything as refined as an AK-47, though. The power armor and the bolter were way ahead of anything in my time.”

“If you would be willing to make simple guns for my people, I would give you anything you desired.”

“I don’t know how to make a gun that a changeling would be able to use.”

“Navarone, we are changelings. Make a gun you can use and they’ll turn into you to use it.”

“Most of them can’t walk on two feet, but that can be changed. Still, I think I will pass. I might teach a few how to do it, but I don’t think Equestria really needs that knowledge.”

She made an unhappy sound. “Very well. You have helped me and my changelings out enough, I suppose. If you are ever near our territory, you are welcome.”

“Where is your territory, though?”

“We have hives spread out all over Equestria. There is one not too far away from a place called Ponyville, and another near a place called Hoofington. I personally live near a place called Appaloosa. All of our hives are interconnected by several tunnels.”

“So you’re like the naga and a few of the dog clans, then.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Do not speak to me of the dogs.” She calmed herself. “But we are somewhat similar, yes. I wonder if your princesses would be willing to let me borrow you…”

“What for?”

“Hopefully to help wipe out a persistent problem. If not that, then to help negotiate with that persistent problem.”

“You’d have to ask them.”

“I will. I’ve a bit of time left before I leave. When do you return to your home?”

“Tomorrow, hopefully. I am growing weary of living in the palace. Now that all of the spells have been removed from my mind, it might be easier, but this past week has been… interesting.”

She smiled. “You finally detected that, then? I was wondering when you would.”

“There were three others on me when I decided to get Luna to check me.” Her eyes went wide. “Apparently Celestia hit me with one over two weeks ago. Twilight hit me with one when she was poisoned. And I think I got another one when I was drugged.”

“It’s a wonder you were able to do anything at all, with that many libido spells on you! How did you manage?”

“I have a bit of natural resistance to mental spells. Not too much, but I guess it’s enough. Shining Armor actually tried to read my mind a few hours before the wedding. I was able to kick him out three times. He was not happy to receive images of me having sex with his sister or with you.”

She grinned. “He was probably ashamed at the feelings you gave me that he couldn’t. I feel sorry for Mi Amore Cadenza.”

“I feel sorry for Shining Armor. Cadance is annoying, though she did get a bit better there at the end.”

“It’s possible to grow accustomed to anything, I suppose. Can I trouble you for another light snack? So few ponies are willing to feed me.”

“By all means.” She stood again and approached. “What do you want tonight?”

“Surprise me.” Her horn lit up.

An intermission from the lovable Discord

When Chrysalis entered Navarone’s mind, she did not find what she was expecting. She went in looking for emotions.

She found me.

“This isn’t right,” she said as her entire mental form was pulled into my grasp. “What is going on here?”

I appeared before her. “Hello, my dear,” I said as she backed away a bit in surprise. “You might remember me. I am Discord.”

With a scream of rage, she charged me. I snapped my fingers and she stopped in place, what looked like bubblegum holding her hooves to the ground.

“Now now, my dear. There’s no need to thank me for what I did for you!”

“You took me from my people! You doomed an entire race just for your laughs!”

“The alicorns were so boring, though! I like them much better now. Horns, but mostly unable to use them. Brains, but unable to think. So much better than the beasts they were before. They hated me mindlessly, so I made them mindless in turn.”

“Hated you for good reason! Release me, monster!”

“Why? So you can attack me again? I think not. We need to have a talk, you and I.”

“I am not interested in anything you have to say! Not after last time!”

“Oh? And what if I promise to remove the curse upon your people?”

“Your promises mean nothing. I found that out the hard way, and I refuse to make the same mistake!”

I snapped my fingers, bringing up a mirror. “The alicorn race is dead, Moonbeam.” She flinched at that name. “They might still be fighting back, but they will never recover. Celestia finally realized this, and allowed Cadance to marry in peace. A few male alicorns might be found, but the race will never come back. So why try to relive the past? You are a new species entirely. I made sure of that. But you are a species dependent upon others. I can remove that dependency.” I showed her a possible future in the mirror. She looked at it in wonder before shaking her head and glaring at me.

“At what cost? You have full power over us, if memory serves. Why would you want our willing help, if you could just force it?”

“Because, my dear, I grow weary of forcing all of you to work with me. I want companionship for the eternities, not slaves. But I don’t want just anyone with me for eternity. I want those that can earn it. Those that can earn my respect. Voluntarily helping me in the coming battle—if it can be called that—will earn you a place at my side. You have lived for some time, Chrysalis. What would you say to living a bit longer?”

I knew her thoughts. I could see her mind, after all. “And you could remove my pony’s need for emotions?”

“I gave them that need, Chrysalis. Of course I can remove it. And I will, if you join me.”

“What would it entail? Who would we have to fight?”

“Why, all that oppose me! Celestia and Luna are most likely, and the dragons will probably be on the fence. I will work for peace with them, but be ready for anything. Luna and Celestia will, of course, oppose me, but I will likely subvert them in time.”

“And the human? What of Navarone?”

I smiled. “Dear Chrysalis, who do you think my real agent is in this world? What better species to plan a war than one that lives a constant war within as well as without—as I know you have seen? Where Navarone goes, I go. What he sees, I see. And Celestia has been sending him to some very interesting places, recently…”

She blanched a bit at that. “So how do I know you’ll keep your word? And how do I know that this isn’t a test from Celestia?”

“Because you know what Celestia, of all ponies, thinks of me. She would be very displeased at any pony that ever considered using my beautiful form in any manner at all. But if you want a way to test my word, let Doppel feed off Navarone. I will remove her hunger. Forever. So, do we have a deal?”

I snapped and the bubblegum disappeared. I proffered my hand. She looked at it for what seemed like a long time. After a moment, she reached her hoof out to shake it.

“And Chrysalis? No one is to know of this. You will be unable to speak of my return to anyone you want, and this memory will be blocked from any other access. You won’t even be able to write it down.” I let her hoof go and she left it fall to the floor, considering all that I had told her. “Be ready, Chrysalis. I am coming.” I snapped my fingers.

Chrysalis backed away from me with a sharp breath. “Are you okay?” I asked. “I didn’t know if you would like the taste of that one…”

She opened her mouth but nothing came out. I looked on, concerned, and Doppel came forward. After a moment, Chrysalis coughed. “I have… had a lot… on my mind.” She went to sit down and then gave me a long and hard look. “There is more to you than meets the eye, Navarone.”

“I’ve been told that before, Chrysalis.” I looked to Doppel. “Are you hungry as well?”

Chrysalis answered for her. “Yes, she is. Feed, Doppel.”

Doppel looked back to Chrysalis for a moment before turning to me. She approached. “Sorry, Navarone,” she whispered. She reached her horn over and it glowed for a second. I gave her some memories. She pulled back with an odd look. “That’s… odd,” she said. “I feel a lot more full than I should.” She shrugged. “Interesting memories, though.” She walked back to her place at the door.

Chrysalis was looking at me in shock. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked her.

“Yes. Though I think I need to cut our meeting short.” Taya hopped off me and I stood.

“I might see you later, Chrysalis,” I said. “But I’m probably leaving some time tomorrow.”

“I see. Then I suppose we might meet again. Goodbye for now, Navarone.”

Taya and I headed back to my room. “She was totally not fine,” I said as we sat down.

“Then why didn’t you stay and comfort her?”

“Because I’m not good at comforting others. You saw how terrible I was at it when Twilight was crying on my floor. Hey, do you know if the DJ from the reception is still in town?” She shrugged. “Damn. I wanted to talk to her. Oh well.” We were silent for a bit. “How would you feel about owning our own place?”

“Our own house, you mean?”

“Yeah. Moving out of Twilight’s place. I have the money, have for some time. I just haven’t done it.”

“It would be nice… But having the library right there is also nice. And she is my teacher.”

“It isn’t something we have to do. I’m pretty ambivalent about it, honestly. It might require me to get a real job, though.”

“Can you keep a steady job, with Celestia and Luna pulling you away so often?”

“There’s the problem. I was hoping for something more mercenary. Hunting in the forest, for example. But again, this isn’t something we have to do. Twilight knows we’re even. Well, sort of. She still owes me for that dragon thing. But I’ve also been living with her for a while, so whatever. We don’t have to move.”

“Are you going to turn your wings back?”

“I’ll know tomorrow. As of right now, I’m leaning to yes. They’re cold this way, and I really do prefer the feathers, even if they are a bit of a pain to keep up. Luna probably won’t like it, but this is my body. If she wants to go around with bat wings, she can do it to herself.” I looked out the window. It was fully dark. “I need to go see Luna again. Go to bed when you’re tired but remember that we return home tomorrow.”

“Okay… daddy.” She jumped on the bed. I went over to the door and turned out the light for her.

“Night, Taya.” I left the room and went down the hall towards the throne room. I figured Luna would eventually end up there.

She did.

“What are you doing here, Nav?” she asked as she walked in.

“Just chilling,” I answered with a shrug. “I think your night guards like me now.”

“I have heard a few of them talking, though I don’t know what about. They definitely like my choice of knight.” She smiled. “So do I. Are you ready to sweep me off my feet again?”

I smiled. “I thought you’d never ask.”

A little while later, we were back in the throne room. “Must I turn your wings back?” Luna asked in a disappointed tone.

“You don’t have to, but I don’t like them this way,” I answered. “Besides, if I’m going to be living in Ponyville, I don’t want to be feared by everyone. It took me long enough to get them to stop staring at me every time I walked past.” Some of my mannerisms after getting back from the Middle East probably helped delay the process.

She sighed. “I suppose you are correct. At least you found the eyes useful.” She bent her head in and changed my wings back.

“If it makes you feel any better, I did like the way I looked before. I just couldn’t stay that way for functional reasons.”

“Not even the skin color?”

“We’ve been over that. Or rather, we’ve been over why I won’t go over it. Skin color means a lot more where I come from than it does here, and I refuse to explain why.”

“But you’re not on Earth anymore.”

“No, I’m not. But that doesn’t mean I lost all of my sentimentalities from that place. I still say someone and everyone instead of somepony and everypony, and I always will. I might change eventually, but for now I think it’s best if I stay as close to myself as I can. It’s one of the few ways I have left of staying human, with all the modifications I’ve had done to me.”

“I remember reading something in one of Twilight’s letters about you… The technological singularity. Tia and I discussed that at much length. You said your race was always dedicated to becoming more than human. Better. And yet here you are, declining gifts to do just that.”

“This is different. A different skin color doesn’t make me better. Different kinds of wings don’t make me better. Longer canines don’t make me better at anything but looking scary and eating meat. I kept the eyes because I have yet to see a single downside to them. And none of this is technological, it’s all magical. I’m all for becoming better; I kept the wings, after all. But different… why change if what you’re changing to isn’t better?”

She sighed. “You are correct, I suppose. Now, I am bored, and I honestly don’t think anything important will happen soon. There are a few nightclubs in this city. Are you interested?”

“Do I have to dance?”

“Yes.”

“Can I get drugged first?”

“That night you got drugged… how many mares did you go through?”

“There were around thirty mares in the pile and ten stallions and Spike. I have no idea what actually happened, but I’m pretty sure a lot of sex was involved.”

She smiled. “I might have to find the recipe, then. But no, you don’t get to get drugged tonight. Hopefully. Shall we?”

“I’m in; Taya’s asleep and everyone else is gone. Good thing you only got banned from leaving the city.”

She smiled. “That has been a saving grace. Let’s go.”

The night was spent the right way: Partying. I had all the stamina I could ever need and Luna had magic to keep herself sustained. I didn’t get drugged, sadly, and I did have to dance. A bit of time was spent just chilling with the party goers, though. Since I did that favor for the night guards, most of the young partiers around knew all about me and were quite pleased that I helped the guards out.

That might not make sense in a world like mine. I mean, the rebellious youngsters going to these kinds of parties are supposed to hate the fuzz. It’s quite a bit different here, especially when Luna started going to nightclubs. Here, the night guards make sure the youngsters get home safely after all is said and done. They break up any fights and make sure the guy that starts it only spends the rest of the night in the brig until he can calm down. Basically, the night guards are pretty chill. Giving them shitloads of cash made them even nicer.

The morning found Luna and me back in the palace. “Don’t tell Pinkie about this,” I warned her.

“I can do anything I want. You have to follow my orders now, remember?”

“That was an oath under duress. It shouldn’t count.”

“Magical oaths mean a lot more than regular oaths, Nav. You’re just lucky you got oathed to someone that likes you.”

“I think I’d prefer not to be oathed at all,” I answered with a sigh. “I really didn’t want to do that. I hate being tied down!”

“Too bad. And it’s a shame that I have an order for you.”

“Does it involve sex, at least?”

“No. Well, maybe. But mostly no. I need you to explore the Everfree forest.”

“What.”

“Nav, I have read some of those letters about your new capabilities. Most animals ignore you, unless they’re smarter than normal. And your jaunt in the ruined castle proves that manticores can’t see you. You should be almost perfectly safe there. And… well, the Everfree has gone mostly uncharted because of how dangerous it is. We know it is a place of magic, but we don’t know what might be hiding inside. Celestia and I both want it explored, and I believe you can do it.”

“I’d really rather not do that,” I answered with more than a little trepidation.

“Too bad. Do it. Feel free to take your time, though. It isn’t really urgent, and I wouldn’t want you to get harmed because you rushed through it.” Dammit. Fucking oaths.

“Do you have any other suicidal orders for me, or is that enough for you?”

“That’s enough for now. But remember when I said that I would never order you to your death? I meant it, Nav. I do not believe you will die—or get hurt—there.”

“And you’re not the one risking your neck based on that belief. But fine, since I have no choice. Can I at least murder the shit out of anything I find there?”

“You are free to kill anything you please. In fact, Celestia and I would prefer you do so; the more dead monsters there are, the less live ones that might make it out and into any of the surrounding cities.”

“Then why not just burn that fucker to the ground? Hire a few dragons to scorch the place. Or do it yourself with magic.” I swear I felt a disturbance in… something… my mind searched for an f word that reminded me of Rarity… Anyway, it felt like I should have been slapped in the face for that comment. Dammit, Rarity. Now you’re reaching across time and space to show your annoyance for common sense.

“It’s not that simple, Nav. Well, I mean, it could be that simple. But both Celestia and I think it would be a bad idea. That forest is evil in more ways than one. It is entirely possible that trying to burn it would result in dire consequences.”

That’s really specific. “So how do you know it won’t react to me exploring with some manner of consequence?”

“You’re only one pon—person. We’re both hoping you’re too alien or too similar for it to notice you.”

“Oh great. You’re making me go into an evil forest because you think the evil inside me resonates with it. Fun.”

“Well when you put it that way… I’m still going to make you do it. There’s no reason to talk it out, Nav. This is an order, and you have to obey.”

That really, really grated. I don’t recall anything about not murdering Luna in my oaths, but that might fall under ‘defending Equestria.’

“It’s really not that bad, Nav! You can stay in a few hours at a time and come out to recover. It might take you a few months, but I believe it can be done.”

“Fuck that. If I’m going to do this, I’m going in for the long haul. I’ll stay there until the damn job is done. I’ll spend a few days back in Ponyville to get some info about the damn place and then get to it.”

“By all means, wait until you’re ready. Just as long as it gets done.”

I muttered something unpleasant. “Fine. When can I leave this city?”

“Whenever you want. I can have a chariot for you and Taya whenever you are ready to leave, and I’m sure Tia will be just as pleased to help.”

“I hope so. I’m ready to just get back. These past few weeks have been… horrible.”

“I can imagine. You’ve been through a lot. It is still early, but you can go now if you want.”

“You know what… Yeah. Get me a chariot called up. I’m not getting delayed here because Celestia wants to talk my ear off about something or another or because Chrysalis wants another snack. I’ll be in my room getting my stuff together and waking up Taya.”

“Of course, Nav. I’ll be there to see you off.” She teleported me to my door, which saved me a few minutes.

I let myself in to find everything as I had left it. Which was good, because I’d have killed a bitch if anything was wrong. I started putting things together, which was kind of hard given that I now had armor and another useless weapon that I didn’t know how to use.

Some of the clattering woke Taya up. She sat up with a yawn. “Are we leaving already?”

“As soon as our chariot’s ready, yeah. You can sleep when we get back to Ponyville; we’re leaving this damn place before I get caught up in another scheme.”

She hopped off the bed. “Works for me. You need any help?”

“Just a place to put all this crap,” I said, waving a hand at the armor. “I don’t have any bags, given how I came here.”

She looked at it. It disappeared.

“Okay, I’ll admit that I didn’t like the armor that much, but I was probably going to use it eventually.”

“It’s back in Ponyville,” she answered. “On your bed. Teleporting objects is a lot easier than teleporting living things.”

“Cool. Think you can do my clothes as well? I can handle the rest.”

“Do you want everything there?”

I pulled out the drawers and set all the clothes on top. “I really don’t want the liveries… But I may have to use them eventually, now that Luna pretty much owns me. God, I HATE that! Why can’t they just let me fucking live my already ruined life? Is it really so much for them to just leave me alone?”

I sighed and rubbed my temple.

“Send it all, Taya,” I finally said, turning to my pile of weapons. I saw a flash behind me. “Sorry to burden you with this. I’m just sick and tired of these motherfucking ponies. Maybe getting to the Everfree will be a nice change of pace for me… I can spend weeks at a time away from them.” I started putting weapons on. “God, I hate how familiar these weapons feel now… Except for that fucking axe. It doesn’t belong on my back.” I walked over to the writing table and looked down. I sighed and began putting things into my large pockets. “Taya, don’t become beholden to anyone. Ever.”

“What does that mean?”

“Don’t owe anyone money, don’t give anyone promises or oaths, and don’t let anyone do the same to you. It’s just not worth it.”

“What about marriage?”

“If you’re interested in it, by all means. I never saw the appeal, personally; if you love someone, shouldn’t your love be enough? Why get married to prove it? I mean, if you love them, you shouldn’t have to get married to prove it.” I shrugged, still facing the writing desk. “Maybe it’s because my heart is fairly barren. Maybe it’s because I can’t see myself in any relationship at all. Maybe because I’ve been a fish out of water ever since I was born.” I turned. “Are you ready?”

“What about this barrel?”

“I’m leaving it in front of Chrysalis’s door with a note. She can keep it if she wants. If not… Well, I don’t fucking care.” I bent down to the writing desk to write a quick note. I put the note on top of the barrel and left the quill from my feather on top of it. “Do you mind taking that to her room? I want to make sure the room is stowed away.”

Her horn glowed and the barrel floated away. When she was out the door, I checked under the bed. The toys were gone. I walked around the rest of the room, looking for anything of mine or anything that might be Taya’s. There was nothing there. I got outside as Taya was coming back.

“Now what?” she asked.

“Now we wait. Shouldn’t be too long, I hope.”

It wasn’t. A few minutes after I said that, Luna came walking down the hall. We walked up to meet her. “Are you leaving your armor here?” she asked.

“Taya teleported it home,” I answered.

Luna looked down at Taya, who was looking ahead. “You are really progressing, Taya.” Taya didn’t answer. After a moment, Luna looked at me. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” was all I said. She led the way to the chariot. There wasn’t much conversation on the way, though Luna tried to foster a bit.

We managed to get on the chariot and were back home before the sun did too much in the way of moving. It was nice.

I eased the library door open and was not surprised in the least to find Spike and Twilight already awake. Twilight greeted me with a massive hug attack. “I dreamed last night!” she said as she smothered me in a hug.

“Congratulations,” I answered. “Welcome to my world most of the times I sleep.”

“I know Luna explained it to you, Nav. You know ponies aren’t like that.”

“I know. I just don’t really care. I’m surprised you didn’t stay at the palace to study the dream artifact thing. Or to examine any of the ancient books and magical items we brought back.”

Her eyes went wide at the mention of those. “Do you think Princess Luna would let me?”

I shrugged. “Fuck all if I know. You’d have to ask her. She was awake when we left, but she might not be anymore. Just send a message to Celestia asking her to ask Luna.”

“SPIIIIKE!” Taya and I left them there. I went up to my room to check on the stuff Taya teleported in. It was all there, though it was strewn about my room as though someone had thrown it. It’s a difficult spell, I figured, so I wasn’t really angry.

I put the regular clothes back where they belonged and put the liveries in the darkest corner of the drawer full of clothing I didn’t like—everything Rarity made that she didn’t listen to me while making. I took one look at the armor and left it all wherever it fell on the floor. I set the axe down against the wall and put the other weapons where they usually were.

I looked around one more time. My room looked like it belonged to someone that knew how to fight. Homecoming’s a bitch.