Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tnDhHYsfbOoFDCLtCUMZdHhV12R3Spk_7AQRnn2jKvM/edit

As soon as they let me go to bed, I dipped into the world of dreams. Since the hour was so early, no one from home was asleep. My only other option was talking to Aqua, so I went in search of nightmares to bust. Unfortunately, she insisted upon talking to me the whole time.

After about an hour of dicking around, Luna appeared before me. “Greetings once again, Navarone,” she said. “How are things progressing?”

“Well. Princess Gilda up in Gryphus is founding a royal college dedicated to the return of true magic and human technology.”

“Excellent news! But I meant in regards to your preparations for Celestia.”

“I’ve warned everyone but Cadance and Moonbeam, at this point. I was going to talk to Cadance when she fell asleep tonight and I was going to contact Moonie on a magic mirror tomorrow.”

“Would you mind my company when you go to approach Cadance?” she asked. “I would like to test her loyalty.”

“Sure. After that, I’m probably going to torture her husband. Would you like to join me for that, too?”

“I will, but only to watch.”

“Then let’s see if they’re asleep yet.” We both concentrated, but nothing happened. “I guess not.”

“Then I suppose we wait. For once, I have no duties that need to be handled.”

“And I’m free until morning. You wanna have a competition to see who can give the most wet dreams?”

“No. I would like to have a competition to see who can bust the most nightmares.”

“Have some originality,” I replied with a boop to her nose.

“We have never done such a competition before, have we?” she asked.

“I dunno, probably not. But it seems like something that’s overdone. Whatever we do, we need to decide quickly. If Twilight shows up, she might try to kill all the fun.”

“That is a fair point. Very well, then. I suggest we return to my dreams to train against demons.”

“Sounds good to me. After you.” She bowed her head before disappearing. I tracked her dream a moment later and let myself in.

“I hope you do not mind if we talk while we train,” Luna said. “I find it helps clear my mind.”

“It don’t hurt my feelings none. I hope you don’t mind me being mostly worthless. I squared up against a few demons in the tower that gave me a run for my money, though I did pretty well against a weakened Nestorats.”

“True demons are incredibly powerful,” Luna said. “There is no shame in doing poorly against them. We will not be training against those monsters tonight. For now, I will pit you against a few of the lesser Tartaran devils and perhaps a few lower ranking demons.”

“Do I at least get to use my own gear?”

“By all means,” she said with a nod. “Use whatever you would in real life. It is not true training, otherwise. Just remember that you are incapable of using magic in real life, so do not do so here.”

“I know.” I pulled forth my armor and my sword. “Let’s do this, then.”

“Not quite yet,” she said. “For this to be true training, you must be in your true form. Are you not female now?”

I stared at her in silence for a few long seconds before sighing and hanging my head. Just like that, I changed into my horribly mutated form. She actually gasped when my tail burst out of the armor.

“Nav… What happened to you?”

“The first wings came from Trixie turning me into a pegasus and then you refusing to take them away when you changed me back. The cat eyes came from you. The tree bullshit came from you and Celestia. The female thing was the curse of the gender stones. The demon wing was from Nestorats. The tail is from me getting turned into a dragon and eating gems. I hate this body.”

“...I understand why. You have my sympathies, Nav. Your new life has not been easy on you and I fear the road will only grow worse.”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” I sighed. “So what am I gonna get to kill today?”

“...Perhaps training can wait.” One of her hooves tapped on the ground and we appeared in a densely forested and very frigid taiga. “Sit with me by the fire.” And just like that, a large fire lit up next to us. I made the armor disappear and sat down on a fairly nice armchair. Luna extended it into a couch and plopped down next to me. She waved a hoof over us and a large quilt appeared. It was pretty warm. “How are things, Navarone? Truly?”

“Pretty fucking shitty, for the most part. How are things for you?”

“We are not speaking about me. You are the leader of our movement against Celestia and Discord. When the smoke clears, you will likely be the ruler of most if not all of the world. Your mental health is very important. It’s something we’ve all abused too much. It’s too late to stop this damage, but with work, we can help you get through the worst of it.”

“I’m fine, Luna. You’re more interesting.”

Her faced moved closer and her eyes narrowed slightly. “Do not lie to me, Navarone. I know from experience when one is not feeling themselves. You have been through much, been pulled in many ways. Your very mind itself has been abused, in some cases. I mean no offense when I say this, but I believe you are not mentally stable. I would like to talk about it, if you would be willing.”

“...Why now?” I asked.

“Because until now, most of your problems were with others. Now, you hate yourself more than ever. That is not safe, Nav. When your mind is in that state, the choices you make are unsound. Looking back, I can see it reflected in many of my own choices, clear as night. As I grew deeper into depression and self-hatred, the choices I made became darker and darker. That’s when I began to enjoy being cruel. I know what this path of self-hatred can lead to, Nav. I don’t want you to go through that.”

Aqua’s fingers sunk into my shoulders like talons as she giggled in one of my ears. Once that horrific sound was over, she took over my mouth and said, “I’d be happy to tell you everything, Luna.” When I started to try and fight back, she took over and leaned back, closing my eyes. I guess that was to hide the fact that they were now blue. “Let’s see, where to begin…”

I hate you so much.

“You’ll thank me for this some day,” she replied in my head, patting me on the cheek. I wish I could say she knocked me out, but she made me watch as she spilled a large number of my problems to Luna, who listened very attentively the whole time.

The good news is that Aqua didn’t get down to the stuff I really didn’t want to talk about. That said, the only reason she stopped was so she could end with this, “I feel good getting all this off my chest, Luna. We should do this again sometime.”

“Perhaps. Truth be told, I’m surprised you told me anything at all. I’m pleased that you trust me, Nav. I swear that trust will be warranted. I will think on all that you have told me tonight. Many of these issues are things we could solve or improve. If you would like, we could work on them together as you work on improving me.”

Now that actually does sound pretty decent, I guess. “We’ll see what conclusions you come to,” I was allowed to say. “Ignoring my own mental well-being while focusing on everyone else around me seems much easier and healthier, though.”

“That is not the proper mindset of a ruler. You must lead, not allow yourself to be led.”

“I honestly kinda think you’re exaggerating about me leading the world. I’m envisioning more of a council. I’m not sure how we’ll organize it yet, but I think we can use a system of oligarchies led by benevolent overlords where life is transformed into a utopia through the use of magic to fuel technology. With magic’s sustainability, it’ll allow us to build a technological utopia with no real downsides. All needs will be fulfilled, so there will be no need for crime or violence. There’s gonna be a hell of a lot of kinks to work out, but Gilda’s school is one of the first steps toward that goal.”

She placed a hoof on one of my shoulders and pushed her nose against mine. “This is why you should be the leader, Nav.” Her face pulled back, but her hoof did not. “This vision you have, this ability to put things together…”

“You mean common sense?” I asked.

“Intuition. The goal you describe seems far-fetched, but I believe it can be done. Certain parts of the world will require… pacification, though.”

“That’s part of the goal of my trip around the world, I think. Every time I find an element of harmony, it’s in a place that needs cleaning up. And each time, I do something significant to change that place, generally for the better. Discord keeps saying that he has me here for one reason: To make choices. As long as I have the ability to do that, I’m doing what he wants. I don’t know what that means, though. Am I helping him or hurting him?”

“Do not waste time ruminating on the words of that demon,” Luna replied, finally removing her hoof from my shoulder. “It may have created you, but it doesn’t appear to be interested in influencing you. Take all of its words with a grain of ash.”

“It’s salt. Grain of salt.”

“...I forgot. I know you are worried about Discord. I know it isn’t something you like to hear, but at the moment, there is nothing you can do about it. Do not let it trouble your mind. Focus solely on what is in front of you.”

“That’s not so easy, I’m afraid,” I sighed. “At the moment, I’m stuck dealing with my inner demons.”

“I do understand.” No you don’t, unfortunately. “Just try not to lose sight of our goals. Once we kill Celestia, we will need you more than ever.”

“I also have another big hurdle in front of me before I need to deal with Celestia. I’m going to break into the zone of alienation.”

She slowly leaned back. “That is… an interesting choice. I attempted such a thing once. It did not go well.”

“What happened?”

“Hail. We made it through the forest and were on our way down into the crater when we were hit by volleyball-sized hail. The weather fluctuates wildly under the dome, so we had no idea it was coming. Half of us were dead before we knew what was going on and I called it off as soon as the storm was over. This was thousands of years ago, of course. I assume things have changed greatly since then. Why are you going?”

“When I went back in time, that bunker is where I got taken. That’s where I met myself, the person I would have been. It’s where he created all the new races like you guys. I’m hoping I will find answers.”

“...I see. I ask permission to join your expedition.”

“Granted, but you’re to stay confined to the ship until we get out of civilization. I believe it’s already left, so you’ll need to meet with me privately in a few days.”

“I shall wait until your ship has departed. I will teleport in and assist however I may.”

“Cool beans. I’ll make sure to warn everyone before you show up. I’m not sure how they’ll take it.”

“I realize now that my actions have consequences. I am prepared for what may come.”

“I can promise you one thing, Luna,” I said, reaching out to grab her hoof.

Her eyes glittered with hope. “And what is that, Nav?” she sweetly asked.

“I’m gonna rub the fuck outta your belly.”

“I long for your touch…” she sighed, looking away. “The selfish part of me missed it so, but I could never ask anything of you now.” Her eyes moved back and a small grin crossed her lips. “But if you freely offer to pamper me so delightfully, I would be a fool to pass it up!”

Why do they always have to make it sound creepy. “You guys are all such tummy sluts. I made Princess Gilda moan and purr with a nice belly rub, too.”

“I’m not surprised. Your hands are quite enjoyable. I know my… niece always seemed to enjoy my stories.”

So it’s all your fault! “Yeah, she’s also a little skank for my hands. Speaking of, do you want to go see if she’s asleep yet?”

“Very well, though I must admit that I’m quite comfortable.”

“Yeah, this shit is mad dope,” I replied. “But why are we in the middle of nowhere?”

“There is something primal in taking comfort at a fire,” she replied. “Something that calls to our roots. Something that makes us want to tell stories, to share suffering. The warmth of fire connects us all, Navarone. I guarantee the comfort you felt helped you speak of your problems.”

“Shouldn’t we be cuddling, then?” I asked.

“There is always next time. Now let us check on Cadance.” Her dream dissolved and we appeared in the anteroom. Her eyes closed and then her head turned. “She is asleep.”

We both hopped over to Cadance’s golden dream. “How dare she be happy?” I asked.

“Truly, it’s sickening,” Luna replied. “Let us see what this wretched mare dreams of tonight.”

We both stepped forward and scooped some of the gold smoke aside. In the dream… The male me was rubbing Cadance’s tummy while Shiny fed her chocolate.

“Wow,” is all I could say.

“Wow indeed,” Luna said. “Perhaps I could learn from my niece’s example. That dream seems quite pleasant.”

“Hedonist. Are we doin’ this or what?”

“Of course,” Luna said. “She looks too pleased with herself to let this continue. We have to ruin it.”

“...When did you become cool?”

She smirked at me for just a moment before stepping into Cadance’s dream. I followed and found myself rubbing a pretty pink belly.

“Quite the nice place you’ve built for yourself,” Luna said. She was standing next to Shining Armor and watching me rub Cadance’s tummy with some small amusement.

“We’ve talked about this,” Cadance sighed. “Ask permission before just jumping into my dreams!”

“I don’t believe you ask the same things of Navarone or Twilight Sparkle.”

“Navarone and Twilight haven’t raped or murdered anybody recently.”

“Not true, actually,” I replied. Cadance gasped and pushed away from me. “Depending on what you mean by recently, at least. Twilight basically raped me once using pheromones. And I murdered Calix in cold blood a few years ago. No hesitation and no remorse.”

“...I know of Calix,” Cadance slowly said. “Why are you here with Luna?”

“Because we share a common enemy,” Luna replied. “A common enemy that I believe to be mobilizing.”

“What do you mean?”

“My sister summoned me to Canterlot at a date that will coincide with Nav’s return to Equestria. I believe she means to kill him and is seeking my support in making things go smoothly.”

Cadance stared at her for a few minutes before looking over to me. “I’m calling everybody in,” I said. “All my favors, all the people who owe me, all the people who said they’d support me. I don’t think Celestia is going to try to kill me, but if she’s calling Luna back at the same time I happen to be returning to Canterlot… It’s got me worried.”

“Shiny and I will be there,” Cadance replied immediately. “Give me a time and a place.”

“I had a thought on that, actually,” Luna said. “I believe we all need to get together before we confront Celestia and come up with a unified plan of attack for dealing with her. Once Nav and I finish breaking into the zone of alienation, we will meet with you and Chrysalis at the Crystal Empire. If we can get Captain Midnight Blossom to attend, we should have all the attendees we need.”

“Why do we need Captain Midnight?” Cadance asked.

“Because we’re about to lead a coup that will shake the entire fabric of your civilization to its core,” I replied. “When we take power from Celestia, it will be upsetting six thousand years of her whitewashed history. We’re going to have ponies all over the planet demanding our heads for taking Celestia’s. Without the support of Blossom and the military, our coup means nothing. Sure, we get rid of Celestia, but our heads will be the next ones on pikes. With the military in our pocket to keep the people pacified in the short term, we’ll have time to start airing out all the lies. Once we get the people on our side, we won’t need her nearly as much anymore.”

“...You say we a lot,” Cadance said. “This is your movement, Nav.”

“This is our movement,” I said. “Relatively speaking, I’m a newcomer here. More to the point, I was literally created by Discord. You can’t dump all this bullshit on me since I was created by the person we’re working to destroy.”

“That’s fair,” she said with a nod. “But don’t think for a moment that you aren’t at this movement's core, Nav. And don’t think for a moment that you’ll be off the hook once Discord is gone, either. If we go through with this coup, you’re going to take responsibility with us.”

“That’s why I said we.”

“The bulk of the responsibility,” Luna added.

“That’s unfair,” I shot back. “Let those who created these problems and allowed them to continue fix them… Luna.”

“I will do my part,” she said. “I may have lost to Celestia once, but that was a very long time ago. In every other bout we have had, I won. It was only when she resorted to cheating that I fell to her.”

“There’s no such thing as cheating in the coming fight,” I said. “If it comes to us fighting Celestia, do whatever it takes to put her down permanently no matter what. If that’s what it comes to, it will be us or her and I guarantee she won’t hesitate to do whatever she must.”

“I will handle Celestia,” Luna said with a nod. “Leave fighting her to me and Chrysalis. If it does devolve into a melee, you both should run.”

“Why should Cadance run?” I asked. “She can use her overpowered bullshit to make Celestia fall in love with a fucking stapler or something.”

That made Luna giggle, but Cadance glared at me. “I won’t misuse my special talent for your political contrivances,” she replied. “I would be happy to help fight Celestia, but I refuse to allow love to be used as a means of pacifying Celestia so that we can kill her.”

“Then I hope you are prepared to die for that belief,” Luna solemnly replied. “Because if you appear on our side in the coming struggle, Celestia will not hesitate to put you down if she has the opportunity.”

“I am prepared to die for that,” Cadance said. Luna bowed her head.

“But you will misuse your special talent for funsies?” I asked.

“Never,” she immediately said.

“What about that time you chased me around the palace shooting love magic everywhere, including at both Luna and Celestia?”

“That wasn’t for fun!” she shot back. “I was naively trying to teach you a very poorly thought out lesson that you apparently didn’t need to learn. I don’t know how many times I have to apologize for that!”

“Once would be nice,” I said. “You may have apologized to Luna and Celestia about what you did, but I don’t think you ever apologized to me for trying to subjugate my free will.”

“I apologize for trying to subjugate your free will, Nav. I made a mistake.”

“Apology accepted. So, Luna and I will hopefully be done within two weeks. I’ll fill you in on the details as I get them.”

“What, precisely, are you two doing?” Cadance asked. “You mentioned the zone of alienation?”

“It’s a human installation,” I said. “That’s where the dream machine device was found. I’m leading an expedition to break into it for answers.”

“...Answers to what?” she asked.

“Why a human installation is being mindlessly and zealously protected by raving hordes of incredibly powerful people, for starters,” I said. “It’s the place where the other me created all of life as we know it today. I want to know how he did it, why he did it, if he has any easter eggs hidden in your DNA that we need to know about, and what means of controlling you he has. The other me knew I was paving the way for other humans to come forward through time. We had several long talks about how I was supposed to secure a way for more humans to emigrate through time and settle the new world without Discord. He wouldn’t have created you guys without some external means of control. If it’s there, we need to find out how to disable it. Otherwise, I won’t be bringing humanity forward in time.” They both stared at me in silence for that. “...What?”

“You would sign the death warrant of your own species?” Luna asked.

“No, we did that to ourselves when we created Discord and then gave it enough power to kill a planet.”

“But you’d betray your own people,” Cadance quietly said.

“Not my people,” I replied with a shrug. “Humanity disowned me while I was there back in time. Fuck ‘em. I make my own place and I spend time with people who are good for me. I don’t need a place built for me by people who look kinda sorta like me, especially if they’re going to turn around and fuck over everything I’ve spent the last several years building. I want to help humanity and I would love to save it from extinction, but I’m not gonna do it to the detriment of everyone else.”

“A very wise, mature answer,” Luna said. “You have grown considerably, Navarone.”

“Thanks, it was mostly the horrific trauma.” She looked away. “Anyway, we’ll leave you to your creepy dreams. I think we’re gonna go pay your husband a visit next.”

“...Why?” Cadance slowly asked.

“I punished you a few nights ago. I haven't done anything to him yet.”

“Why are you punishing them?” Luna asked.

“She has her reasons,” Cadance very quickly said. “Reasons that are private. But I don’t see why you’d need to drag my husband into it.”

“He’s not quite as guilty as you, but that by no means makes him innocent,” I replied. “He let me get drunk on lust so I wouldn’t say no and then took advantage of my state. I mean, you put me in the position to begin with and then refused to let me leave until you got what you wanted, but he was the one who actually dicked me down.”

“...Wait,” Luna slowly said.

“THANKS FOR VISITING BYE NOW!” Cadance shouted before hoofing herself in the face, presumably waking herself up and making the dream dissolve.

“So what did they do?” Luna asked.

“I’ve spent the last week or so in Gryphus at the kinky sex festival. Twilight turned me into a changeling one day so I could wander through the crowd as I wanted. I ended up running into Cadance and Shiny there, who had used the body swapping spell to swap places since Shiny prefers getting fucked, especially in a woman’s body. Cadance locked me up in their hotel room until I agreed to do what they wanted, which was to have sex with them. I finally agreed to eat some lust since I was literally starving and they wouldn’t feed me any love. As soon as I did, they swapped back, then Shiny turned on me and took advantage of my lust-drunk state.”

“I find a certain irony in her calling me out for rape, now.”

“Right? Anyway, let’s go punish her husband with some interesting nightmares. After that, I’m gonna go talk to Gourd and then get some real sleep.” We both looked over to Shiny’s white dream, which was sitting right next to us.

“I’m somewhat surprised she didn’t wake him up,” Luna said.

“She knows better. This is going to happen, one way or another. Putting it off would just make me angrier.”

“Hm. So what are you going to do to him?”

“Probably give him to Moonbeam as her personal pet. She’d lock him in chastity and then turn him into a feminized buttslut sex slave.”

“...Hm. So that’s what happened to those guards. How does she feminize them? Is it some form of magic?”

“Nah, it’s dumber than that.” She lifted an eyebrow. “Well, maybe not. One of the chemicals released in her ovipositor is estrogen.”

“I do not know what that is.”

“Do you know what testosterone is?” She shook her head once. “Testosterone is what makes men manly. Estrogen is what makes women girly. If you give a man a lot of estrogen, his body will change over time to become more feminine. In this particular case, Moonie’s ovipositor will likely inject him with enough estrogen for his penis to permanently shrink and possibly no longer able to become erect. It’ll also make his hair grow out longer and possibly shinier. And, of course, it’ll make his body generally more feminine overall. Oh, and it’ll fuck up his mood patterns, making them shift erratically while his body tries to sort out the new chemicals it’s constantly being pumped with.”

“Interesting. Very, very interesting. And females become more… manly when injected with testosterone?”

“Correct. Of course, all changeling ovipositors release some estrogen, but Moonie’s royal jelly releases quite a bit more.”

“Something you know from experience, perhaps…?”

“That’s just what she told me. I assume she’s telling the truth, based on what I’ve seen of the political prisoners that Celestia is turning into changeling sex slaves.”

“Hm. And this is the fate you’d choose for Shining Armor after what happened to you?”

“Did you have something else in mind?” I asked.

“No. I am merely wondering if you consider this a fair punishment.”

“It is what it is,” I replied with a shrug. “To be quite honest, I really haven’t put much thought into him at all. I was just going to jump in, throw Moonie at him, and leave. I might peek in every now and then to see how things are coming along, but I’ll mostly let him punish himself. I really don’t care enough to do more.”

“Very well. I shall remain here and watch. Enjoy.”

I walked up to Shiny’s dream and peeled the smoke back. At the moment, he was frolicking in a field with Twilight. That gave me an even more fun idea. I jumped in behind them so they couldn’t see me, dropped a very angry and horny Chrysalis in front of them, and then hopped out. Five seconds later, the smoke turned brown, which I was assuming meant a lustful nightmare.

“That was easier than I thought,” I said.

“Let us see the fruits of your labor,” Luna said, pushing a small amount of the smoke aside. “...Oh. Oh my.” She pushed the smoke closed and nodded. “Very well done, Nav.”

“Yeah, I hope he doesn’t wake up. I’ll check in on him occasionally to make sure it stays a nightmare.”

“You must rest,” Luna said. “Your body and nature demands it. I would be happy to check in on him occasionally for you.”

“If you want,” I replied with a shrug. “You’ll just have to let me know how it goes later.”

“As you wish. Do you go now to speak with Gourd?”

“Yep. And after that, some real sleep.”

She nodded once. “Rest well, Navarone.”

“Here’s hoping. See you soon.” I thought about Gourd and then hopped over to where his red dream was. How much you wanna bet he’s dreaming about me?

“You’re very conceited,” Aqua replied. “I think it’s much more likely he’s dreaming about a water elemental. We are, after all, much sexier and considerably better partners.”

I floated up to the dream and peeled some of the smoke back. “Huh.”

“...Indeed,” Aqua said.

At the moment, Gourd was dreaming about Kat. “You know what, I think I’ll leave him to it,” I said. “Let’s go find Taya instead.”

“Should we inform Kat?” she asked.

“Why? He can’t help what he dreams. Just because he’s dreaming about shoving his bologna pony into her bearded clam doesn’t mean he actually wants to.”

“Why wouldn’t he?” Aqua asked. “Kat is hot. A good number of the guards on your ship have talked about wanting to do all kinds of things to her.”

“Fair. What I meant is that just because he’s dreaming about it doesn’t mean he would ever actually act on it. I don’t see any reason to share what anyone is dreaming about unless it gives me some kind of advantage over them.”

“You’re such a great leader,” she sarcastically replied.

Taya’s golden dream was right next to his, so I walked over to it and pulled the smoke back. In her dream, the two of us were fighting a horde of horrific monsters that were pouring out of the Everfree.

“How is that a good dream?” Aqua asked.

“Because fighting and killing is fun,” I replied. “But this one also isn’t constructive, so let’s move on to Watcher.”

His white dream was a few steps away. After staring at it for a few seconds, I sighed and pulled the smoke back. A younger version of Watcher and Zecora were playing with a young zorse. “...I definitely wasn’t expecting that,” Aqua slowly said.

“Right? I hope he doesn’t mind me jumping in.”

“It would be rude to interrupt a man’s dreams about the family he’s always wanted.”

“If he’s always wanted one. Once again, you can’t assume anything from a dream. Besides, it won’t be long.”

“Who doesn’t want a family?” she asked.

“Me. I never wanted kids and I’m still bitter that I was forced to have one, even if I have come to love her.”

“You’ll grow into it in time,” she said, patting my back. “Oooh, I can’t wait to see your firstborn! That love fruit from the Everfree is going to be so useful!”

“Yeah, except everybody already knows I don’t want kids. As soon as you try that, they’ll know something’s up.”

“Oh, this’ll be way on down the line, after you admit to everybody that you secretly love being a woman and always wanted to be.”

“We’ll see how that works out for you.” Since I was tired of dealing with her bullshit, I jumped into Watcher’s dream.

They all seemed happy to see me. The zorse actually galloped over to hug me. “Auntie Navi!” he shouted as he did so. That kinda confused me, but I hugged him back anyway.

“What brings you here, my lady?” Watcher asked. “More information?”

“Questions this time, actually,” I said. “Are you and Zecora actually considering…?”

“No. But it’s still a nice thought.”

“Well, he’s definitely adorable.” I finally let the kid go and he went back to his mother’s side. “Are you guys on the way?”

“We are. Gourd is thinking we should get there before noon tomorrow.”

“Excellent. After two attempts on my life, I decided to stay at the palace.”

“What happened?” he asked.

“Bounty hunters from China. Apparently one of the dogs put a huge price on my head. One of them figured out I was in disguise and almost got me while I was alone, but I escaped. The other came after me while I was in my own skin and got put down hard.”

“I seem to recall you saying you didn’t need any guards.”

“Correct, I didn’t need any guards. I handled myself just fine.”

He snorted. “I’m sure Kat and Taya will see it the same way.”

“Good, because that’s how it is. I just wanted to make sure you guys were on the way. I’ll leave you to your sleep.”

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow,” he replied with a nod. I booped him before hopping back into the anteroom and then my own dreams.

“I gotta say, Luna’s behavior was somewhat surprising.”

“She has learned from her mistakes,” Aqua replied. “In time, she will be a very valuable tool. The coming trip will showcase her utility to the others.”

“And give me a chance to rub her belly, of course.”

“Of course. So how would you like to spend the rest of the night, hm? Cuddling, maybe?” She made a rope appear in her hands and pulled it tight. “Or maybe some domination?”

“I’d prefer to just black out.”

“Ugh, that’s so boring! Come on, Nav. Don’t you want to spend some time with your favorite elemental?”

“Flo isn’t here, unfortunately.”

That made her turn bright green. “While sticks and stones certainly won’t break my bones, your words are quite hurtful. I think it might be time for some sensitivity training!”

“I’m already sensitive enough. Twilight can usually make me cum in just a few strokes.”

She actually face-palmed. A second later, I blacked out.

When I woke up, it was to a faceful of fuzz. I immediately sneezed, which made Twilight bolt upright. That’s when I realized that I had been using her belly as a pillow. “Well good morning,” she said as I blearily looked around the room. It appeared that we were once more in the same room in the palace, though it had finally been cleaned.

“...Why was I sleeping on you?” I finally asked.

“Because I think it’s cute when you do,” she replied with a shrug. “How did you sleep?”

“Fairly well. I bumped into Luna and spoke with her some. She’ll be joining us for the coming trip.”

Her smile disappeared. “Why?”

“Because having somebody with the ability to turn into a shadow and scout wherever she wants is pretty fucking useful. So is having somebody with five thousand years of experience murdering the shit out of things while we’re attacking a place full of very powerful enemies.” She opened her mouth for a rebuttal, but I continued, “Plus I really want to rub her belly.”

Her eyes rolled and she finally said, “It’s your choice to make, but I don’t like it and I don’t think the others will either. Isn’t she in Tartarus?”

“Yeah. Celestia’s summoning her back to Canterlot, though. We don’t know why yet.”

“...Interesting. Do you have any theories?”

“One or two. I spoke to Watcher last night, too. He told me the ship should get here before noon.”

“Good. So what are your theories?”

“We’ll talk about them later. For now, don’t worry about it.”

“I kinda think I should,” she slowly said. “It worries me that Princess Celestia is summoning a mass-murdering rapist to Canterlot.”

“But it doesn’t worry you that Celestia herself is a mass-murderer?”

“It does. That’s part of why I’m worried that she’s bringing another one back. There’s no telling what they could be plotting together.”

“Let me put it this way: Luna is on my side now. That’s all I’ll say about it for the moment.”

“...I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’m not going into any more detail for the moment. We’ll talk more about it later. Now, I’m gonna go take a shower.”

Before I could get off the bed, she placed a hoof on one of my arms. “Nav, what’s going on?”

“I just told you,” I replied. “I’m going to take a shower. After that, I’m thinking breakfast.” I pulled away and hopped up. “See you in a few minutes.” She sighed and didn’t try to stop me as I entered the bathroom.

Once I was clean, I dried off as much as possible, covered myself in towels, and walked back into our room. Much to my surprise, we had company. What I’m pretty sure was the crown prince had apparently been talking to Twilight. The crown on his head kinda gave me that hint. She seemed relieved to see me.

“Good morning, Lady Navarone,” he said. “My sister informed me you were interested in talking.”

“I am,” I replied with a nod. “I believe we met very briefly the first time I was in Gryphus, but we were never formally introduced.”

“At the time, it didn’t seem prudent,” he said. “But now that you have become… who you are, I agree that it’s time we spoke. Then to formally introduce myself, I am Prince Hooters.”

I blinked in surprise, but recovered quickly. “And I am Lady Navarone. Sorry for my state of undress; I wasn’t expecting you.”

“I take no offense,” he warmly replied. “My father has told me about you. I don’t expect much, if any, deference. I would have sent warning, but I’m afraid my schedule is very full at the moment. I have taken on many of my father’s duties while he recovers.”

“Then I’ll cut to the chase,” I said.

“What does that mean?” he asked.

“That I’ll get to the point. Or that I’ll skip all the remaining possible pleasantries. Either-or. Gilda thinks a coup is coming soon and I’m inclined to agree.”

“...It is something many of us are worried about,” he slowly said. “But I do not know what concern it is to a foreign noble.”

“If it happens, I want to help you put it down as quickly as possible.”

“Why? I have no intention of ennobling an Equestrian lady.”

“Because there’s a demonic entity called Discord that thrives off any violence in the world. He’s the same demon that destroyed my race millions of years ago and every race that’s followed after us. Now he’s free and is causing trouble again. If there’s either a coup or a civil war brewing here, I’m just about willing to guess he has his creepy fucked up fingers in it. Whatever he wants to do, I want to stop. And even if he isn’t the one stirring the pot, I still won’t allow him to gain any power from the conflict here. Plus, I need the rail line between Equestria and the Crystal Empire stable so Cadance can keep getting supplies shipped up to her.”

“Forgive me if I distrust your motives.”

“I forgive you this time, but don’t let it happen again,” I replied with a nod. He lifted an eyebrow. “All you need to know is that you will have my support, one way or another. You can either officially accept it or I can have my unicorns teleport me into the heart of enemy power and kill them all myself. And when I’m done, I’ll go back home and refuse any offer of reward, no matter what it is. I’d prefer to work directly with you, but if you won’t accept my help, it won’t stop me from acting.”

“Hm. I could have you arrested for saying that.”

“You could try,” I replied, waving a hand. “But I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that Twilight could destroy this entire city in about two hours.”

“She’s really not,” Twilight said. “But I would never do that. I would just teleport us both back to Equestria, which is also within my power. And since Nav’s ship is currently on the way and it’s full of unicorns that are collectively about as powerful as I am, I would say trying to arrest her would be a very poor life choice.”

“Yeah, my daughter’s on that ship,” I said. “She wouldn’t stop at destroying the city. She would hunt you down and torture you until you’re almost dead, heal you, and then repeat the process until she got bored. Then I would have Luna teleport you to the moon, where you would immediately asphyxiate.”

“...Oh.”

“So yeah,” I said with a grin. “You want my help if a coup comes?”

“I would like that, Lady Navarone,” he said. “Why would you refuse a reward?”

“Because I have more money in my bank account right now than most governments,” I replied with a shrug. “There’s literally nothing you could give me that I’d want.”

“You are a very striking hen, Navarone,” he said. “Would you be interested in becoming a royal concubine?” Twilight’s ears twitched.

“No, but I’m flattered by the offer. If you weren’t married, I’d definitely be down to do the horizontal tango.” That would give me my second prince!

“The… what?” he slowly asked.

“Sex,” Twilight said before I could. “That one tripped me up the first time, too. Human language patterns are so fascinating!”

“Humans in general are fascinating,” Hooters said, looking me up and down. “Though I believe you looked quite different the last time I saw you. Minus your gender, of course.”

“I did look quite different. I’ve had a series of horrific mutations since then, leaving me with the disgusting body you see before you.” I dropped the towels so he could get a better look.

His eyes immediately moved to my chest, then creeped on down to my vaguber. While staring at it, he said, “I think you’re quite lovely, to be honest.”

“She only says stuff like that to fish for compliments,” Twilight said. “That’s why she dropped the towels.”

“You shut your whore mouth,” I said. “I’d flick your nose if you were closer.”

“If you keep it up, I’m playing dress up with you today,” she shot back.

“Why would you need to fish for compliments?” the prince asked. “Do you not get plenty on your own merit?”

“I actually do think my body is disgusting,” I said. “I hate just about every aspect of it. Twilight likes downplaying my problems because she’s jealous of the attention I get. That said, I dropped the towels because I like it when people stare at me lustfully, like you’re doing right now.” His eyes shot right up to my own and a huge blush covered his face. “Again, I think it’s flattering. I like the idea that some people enjoy my body, even if I don’t. Want me to bend over for you?”

“Yes, I would like that very much.”

I wasn’t actually expecting a yes, but I turned around and bent over for him. After a few seconds of thought, I lifted up my tail and looked back with a small grin. “What do you think?”

“Humans are more and more fascinating,” he said, lifting a talon. Before he could touch me, he paused. “May I? I promise not to touch anything sensitive, I just want to feel your smooth skin.”

“By all means,” I said.

He very gently rubbed the outside of my thigh. “Hm, completely hairless, yet no scales… That’s very unusual for something that isn’t an amphibian, isn’t it?”

I finally straightened up and pulled away. “That’s another one of my mutations,” I said. “Normal humans have at least some hair on their bodies. It’s usually concentrated in certain areas, like our legs, arms, genitals, and underarms. My body is nothing but an invisible mass of scar tissues that have never been healed properly, so I stopped growing hair anywhere but the top of my head.”

“Ah ha. So what caused the scars?”

“Basically fire,” Twilight replied. “It was… gruesome.”

“Not to mention about five or so years of combat,” I added with a shrug. “But the fire was the worst of it.”

“Such hardships… If you are ever interested, I will turn you into a noble here should you first renounce your claims to the Equestrian kingdom. You would not have those issues here.”

“This was a while ago,” I said, waving a hand. “And it was my daughter, who would definitely come with me.”

“...Your daughter lit you on fire?”

“She was mad I didn’t buy her that toy she wanted.” Twilight slapped me with magic. “And by that I mean it was an accident. Unicorn puberty is weird.”

“It certainly can be,” Twilight said. “I went through something similar and ended up hatching a dragon egg, then aging that dragon up several thousand years.” Showoff.

Hooters seemed somewhat impressed, at least. “I suppose a part of me never truly understood how powerful magic could be. We tell legends of the atrocities that Celestia and Luna wrought upon us when they tried to reclaim their land, but hearing first-talon accounts of what it can do is awe-inspiring.”

“Yeah, the shit’s pretty trippy,” I said. “You should try to learn it.”

He scoffed. “You jest. I have no horn!”

“Which isn’t as important as we once thought,” Twilight said. “Nav and I rediscovered a type of magic that Celestia purposefully censored that doesn’t require a horn.”

“Yeah, I dropped the books off with your dad a few months ago,” I added.

“...He did not mention those to me. Very interesting. I hadn’t considered you as a source of knowledge. Now that it occurs to me, I wonder why I never thought of it sooner. You gave my little sister quite a lot of information, didn’t you?”

“I did,” I confirmed with a nod. “She’s putting it to good use. I hope she follows a few more of my suggestions.”

“Oh?”

“I advised that she form a royal university, a place for scholars and craftsmen to create wonders.”

“And you would not do so yourself?” he asked.

“I’m not a royal, so I can’t form a royal university. But I did give a royal all the information she would need to do it herself. I also helped Moonbeam form something similar in her hives and I might try doing the same in Equestria. For the first time in a very long time, the world is slowly turning out of Celestia’s control. Her faux utopia of fascism and ignorance is rapidly coming to an end.”

That made the prince lean back. “I am… surprised to hear an Equestrian noble saying that.”

“I didn’t ask to be made a noble and I certainly didn’t want to be made a noble. Celestia is evil. Everything that’s about to happen is going to be solely on her shoulders.”

“Is there some news about Equestria that your northern neighbors should be aware of?” he slowly asked.

“Celestia’s planning on admitting to everybody that she can’t move the sun and never could,” Twilight replied. “There isn’t a timeframe on it yet, but she’s been working with Moonbeam for a while now on how to properly present things.”

“And Pyrite’s insanity has been cured,” I added. “He defeated Bahamut in a duel and united all of the Icelandic dragons under his rule. Minutes later, he sent an ultimatum to Celestia demanding the return of all the dragon eggs she had been hoarding to decentivize a war between the dragons and ponies. He’s holding steady in Iceland at the moment, but there were a few painfully long, tense days where he was poised to wipe out the entire world to sate his greed.”

“Plus you have Arachne looking north now,” Twilight said. “I imagine she could send her spider armies across that small land bridge, then up through the southern dog territories.”

“Oh yeah, I could totally see her declaring a crusade on ponies,” I said. “Her soldiers weren’t that strong individually, but she’s an actual fucking human mage. She could probably destroy this entire continent, if she wanted to.”

“And there’s all the spirits Luna improperly exorcised in Antarctica. Celestia hasn’t mentioned any more aftershocks to me, but I don’t think she trusts me like she used to. After what happened along the coast, I know she’s worried about it.”

“Plus the civil unrest brewing under her own nose. I was almost assassinated at a party a few weeks ago after I helped her take down Pertz. There’s a fairly significant faction of Equestrian nobility who is sick of her authoritarian bullshit. Censorship and lies will only take a government so far and Celestia’s tyrannical dictatorship is rapidly falling apart around her. All of her old enemies are coming back to haunt her and new ones are cropping up seemingly every day. In her paranoia, she’s driving away all of her real supporters and surrounding herself with useless sycophants.”

“I’m barely able to keep up!” the prince quickly said. “You speak of so much, my lady, yet my time is running so short. May we speak later? I honestly find myself quite intrigued by your outlook and knowledge.”

“I’d be happy to speak with you,” I said. “I mean no disrespect when I say that I think you could use my advice. Your father and youngest sister seemed to benefit from it. I offered it to Celestia, but all signs are pointing to her telling me to go fuck myself.”

“And I take no disrespect. I have learned from some of my father’s mistakes and I am dedicated to learn from Celestia’s as well. I will never turn down honest words, even if I do not like them. The dark truth is preferable to a golden lie.”

“Always,” I replied with a nod.

“Even if it took me too long to realize it,” Twilight added with her own resolute nod.

“Then for now, I will bid you a good morning,” the prince said with a nod. “I will be in communication, Lady Navarone.”

“It was nice meeting you, Prince Hooters,” I managed to say without cracking up.

He actually bowed slightly before walking away. It took a few steps for me to notice it, but I realized he had a slight limp.

As soon as he was out the door, Twilight eased it shut and then sighed in relief. “He wasn’t that bad, was he?” I asked.

“Why in the world did you bend over and lift your tail for him?!”

“I said it as a joke, but I’ve decided to be honest and open now. If I say I’ll do something, I’ll do it. So if I offer to bend over and they say yes, I’m gonna bend over.”

“And then you let him touch you!”

“So? He was curious. It’s not like he was doing anything lecherous. He was watching my privates the whole time, but he never once really lost his composure and he never got hard. I’ve been a guy before. He either has ridiculous self-control or just finds me curious, not attractive.”

“He offered to make you a royal concubine!”

“That doesn’t always mean sex, unless you know something about griffin culture I don’t. Royal concubines do many things for their rulers. Offer advice, give massages, comfort you. That said, there generally is a lot of sex as well. It just doesn’t have to be about sex.”

“And you really think that’s what he meant, Nav?” she sarcastically asked.

“No, I’m just fucking with you,” I said. “I’m just a complete and total slut who loves the attention. But don’t you dare judge me, because you forced us both to get sold just because you wanted to sell for more than I did.”

“I just wanted the truth,” she huffed.

“So why were you nervous when I got out of the shower?” I asked. “Did he unnerve you?”

“Yes!” she shouted. “It’s not every day that a married crown prince openly flirts with me!”

“Oh, he was flirting with you, too?”

“He asked if you would mind him having a quickie with your servant.”

“If he wants to fuck Doppel, he can do it all he wants.”

“He meant me, you asshole!”

“Whoa now, you’re up to using the real language!” I said with a grin. “Way to go Twilight! So did you go for it?”

“Of course I did! I was just shocked that he offered… and at how weird his kink was.”

“Oooh, juicy secrets?” I asked, leaning in. “Come on, Twiggles. Spill it!”

“He made me promise…”

“So? He made a promise to his wife. If he can break his, you can break yours!”

She thought that over for a few seconds before shrugging and nodding. “Good point. He wanted me to hold him down and force him to have a prostate orgasm with magic.”

“Why would you find that weird?” I asked. “You did that to me a few times. Mind, I didn’t like it and never asked for it, but you did it anyway.”

“That was when I was love poisoned,” she replied. “It doesn’t count. And I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

Aqua giggled and patted my back. “We all know you loved it, Navi. You were fighting not to ask her to do it more, later.”

Stop trying to make me believe your bullshit. That was traumatizing. “It wasn’t your fault. I blame Celestia.” And Cadance and the CMC. The ingredients they used for that potion made it go haywire.

“Which brings us back to her. It sounds like you’re planning something, Nav.”

“Yeah, planning on getting breakfast. You down? I could go for more green eggs and ham.”

“What is it?” she asked. “Nav, I’m not joking right now. If you’re planning something, tell me. Please.”

“Sit down.” She walked over to the bed and hopped up onto it. “Cast the spell to check for magical eavesdroppers.”

Her horn lit up and a purple flare filled the room. “Nothing.”

“Celestia is planning on wiping my mind, turning me into a pony, and giving me to the changelings as a food pony.” Her mouth dropped. “I’m not going to sit around and let that happen. If you want to support that bitch, then you better kill me right now. It’s me or her and it’s not gonna be her, one way or another. If you kill me right now, you’ll make me the biggest martyr this world has ever seen and Celestia’s head will be on a pike inside of two days.”

It took her several seconds to just say, “...Nav.”

“I’m sorry, Twilight. That’s how it is. I know she won’t stop with me, either. Taya will be next, then all my vassals and crew. It’ll be a complete and total purge, to the point where nobody will have ever known I even existed. I will not let that happen!”

“...Luna. That’s why Celestia’s bringing Luna to Canterlot!”

“It’s not,” I said. “Luna’s on my side, Twilight. Celestia isn’t gonna put her plan into motion any time soon. But the instant I’m ready, she’s dead.”

“Nav…”

“You have three choices, Twilight. You can go and tell Celestia what I said. You can stand back and do nothing. Or you can support me. I want you to look at your options very carefully and then decide.”

She slowly shook her head. “I made my decision as soon as you told me what she planned. That mare is a demon!”

“Cool beans. You’ll be happy to know that Cadance and your brother are also planning on joining our revolution. So is Moonbeam and a few others. At this point, we might have enough raw magical power to take her down.”

“Then I say we do it,” Twilight said. “Luna’s being summoned back to Canterlot. I say we take advantage of that opportunity and just get it over with.”

“That seems to be the common consensus,” I sighed. “But I don’t want to do it before we get done at Tartarus. Without you, me, and Luna there to help run things, there will likely be problems. Celestia knows I’m too valuable at the moment. Until I get all the elements of harmony, she’ll allow me to continue existing. And in truth, if she ever tried, I have a feeling Discord would stop her. His only desire so far seems to be for me to make choices. As a food pony, the only choice I’ll get is how hard I fight as they turn me into a sex slave. Which, to be quite honest, probably wouldn’t be very hard. I might even enjoy it. But the point is, I’m not gonna let her do that to my daughter or the rest of my followers.”

She stared at me in silence for a few more long seconds before shaking her head and asking, “What are your plans for the future, then? Who is going to take Celestia’s place?”

“I have a few ideas for that. Everybody important is going to convene at the Crystal Empire once we get done with the bunker. I’ll be asking Moonbeam to join us over the magic mirror she gave me. I plan on revealing those ideas then and seeing what people think about them.”

“Well, tell me now,” she replied. “Maybe I can help you refine them. Celestia is evil, but she’s good at keeping the peace. I want to know you have a plan to keep things from spiraling out of control.”

“The end result I’m going for a society where all or almost all needs are fulfilled with magically fueled technology.”

“...Like the ring!”

“Exactly. That isn’t what gave me the idea, but it’s a perfect example of it. The biggest drawback to the technology of my people is that, at first, we had no clean ways of generating it. Pollution was rampant. We quite literally destroyed a good chunk of the environment to obtain the fuel for our machines and drove hundreds of species extinct doing it. By the time we actually had the capability of fueling the entire planet easily with clean energy, there were too many corporations profiting off of the unclean stuff that it never took off. If we can use magic to fuel the machines instead, we won’t have to do all that. To keep the peace, we consolidate power and form an oligarchy where we regularly get together and discuss things that are going on in our area. With magic to help us communicate and fair, just rulers in place, I believe we have a chance at making it work.”

“That’s… very long-term. More than I was expecting from you, to be honest. You never cease to amaze me, Nav.”

“Love the backhanded compliment. Thanks for that.”

“You give them all the time, so I assumed you did. You’re very welcome! So is that why you asked Gilda to form a royal university?”

“It is. We’re going to talk with Moonbeam about forming something similar. I’ll also look into doing it in Canterlot, though I probably won’t take a super active role.”

“I’d be happy to!” Twilight quickly replied. “I would never say no for the chance to help spread your vision, especially if it means I get to play with human technology!”

“Excellent. I’m happy to have you with us, Twilight. We’ve all been worried what you would do when you found out.”

She blinked. “You were… worried about what I’d do?”

“Well, some of us were. Mostly me, Cadance, and your brother. They actually wanted to be there when I told you, but you kinda forced my hand.”

“You were worried about what choice I would make?”

“Yes. I know you’re my friend, but Celestia is your teacher. I thought you would help me, but I could never be sure.”

“I’m a lot more than just your friend!”

“Yes, you are. You’re my wonderful little Twiggles.”

“I know I said I’d stop, but I just can’t resist this time!” She floated me over with magic so she could nuzzle me. As soon as she was done, she put me back down.

“So, breakfast?”

She looked down at my freshly cleaned vagina and licked her lips. My period had thankfully stopped, so it was still good to go. “I think it’s definitely time for breakfast!”

“If you must,” I sighed. She barely waited for the words to be out of my mouth before grabbing me (with her hooves, thankfully) and pulling me onto the bed for some sexy fun time.

Once that business was over and done with, I got dressed and we went in search of either real food or Gilda. Fortunately, we found Gilda as soon as we stepped out of our room. Unfortunately, it was the wrong Gilda and she looked kinda upset. Spike seemed amused, at least. “We made a deal, Sparkle!”

“You can blame Princess Gilda for that,” Twilight said. “I was going to give Nav to you yesterday, but she forced us to go to her private hot springs instead.”

“I made that deal with you, not her. You had all week!”

“I’m gonna let you handle this one, honey,” I said, patting Twilight on the back. “Let’s go find breakfast, Spike.”

“What?!” Twilight demanded.

Gilda grinned and shot forward, grabbing one of Twilight’s front legs. “If you two just came outta this room, I bet you got a bed in there. I’ll do to you what I was gonna do to her!” Before Twilight could protest, Gilda dragged her into our room and slammed the door.

“...What was that about?” Spike asked.

“No clue. Breakfast?”

“I’m down.”

“Cool. Follow me.” I started leading him to Gilda’s workshop. “So how did you find us?”

“We asked a servant. Gilda’s a noble and it’s not every day that a dragon shows up asking for a guest, so they just gave us directions and sent us on our way.”

“Wow. That is terrible security. The princess almost got assassinated two days ago. You’d think they would have at least given you an escort.”

“Yeah, we heard about that. Apparently you’re even more of a hero here now. We also heard you won the tournament after beating a dragon in hand to claw combat.”

“Yep, sure did.”

“I believe the correct term is… bullshit, right?”

“I had some magical help. And I kinda sorta cheated a little on my own. But it was all to protect the princess! There was an assassin on the loose!”

“What was it you said? Something about rubbing that forbidden princess belly?”

“...I had to make it convincing.”

He giggled and asked, “So how was she?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Uh huh. Sure. I guess that puts another princess on your scoresheet, doesn’t it?” My grin was enough of an answer for him. He slapped me on the back. “You’re livin’ the dream, Nav!”

“The only thing it needs to make it perfect is a dick between my legs instead of this bullshit vag.”

“To be fair, it’s a very cute bullshit vag. I like how pink it is.”

“Thanks. I love how your dick has little bumps on it. They really add texture when you’re fucking someone.”

“If you ever wanna try ‘em out, just let me know.”

“Will do.” But don’t get your hopes up.

Gilda’s section of the palace wasn’t all too large, so we made it to her workshop quickly. Two guards were stationed outside of it. They allowed us in with no trouble and we saw the princess speaking to Matilda.

“Why are you still here?” Matilda asked as soon as we entered.

“Because I’m a guest of your princess,” I replied. “Gilda, aren’t griffin guests supposed to be treated with honor and respect by all staff?”

“They are,” Gilda said. It seemed from her stance that she was already pissed off with Matilda and that gave her an opening. “If you find yourself incapable of performing a servant’s duties, perhaps you should be reassigned.”

“After everything that this beast has done?!”

“Navarone saved my life!” Gilda shouted. “If you can’t show her respect for that, then get out!”

I don’t know if it was the smug grin on my face or Gilda’s tone, but Matilda shrieked and leapt at me, talons outstretched. Before she could get a quarter of the way to me, Spike wrapped his claw around her neck before throwing her across the room so hard she passed out when she hit the wall.

“Holy shit, what a bitch,” I said. “Thanks, Spike.”

“Happy to help,” he said, patting me on my shoulder.

“You do me yet another service,” Gilda sighed, sounding relieved. “Now I have every right to fire that awful hen once and for all.”

“You couldn’t have done it after the first time she attacked me? Or the second?”

“There were no witnesses for the first,” she replied. “And I did not know about the second. That was a commendable throw, dragon. I believe I recognize you, though I’m afraid I don’t know from where.”

“I’m Spike,” he said. “I’m with Nav’s crew. I was here on vacation with the other Gilda and wanted to meet up with Nav today before the ship arrived.”

“We should probably get her to a doctor,” I said, looking over at Matilda. “That probably fucked her up big time.”

Gilda walked over to the door and said, “Guards, enter.” They both filed in. Their eyes immediately moved to Matilda. They only processed that for a second before jumping in between us and Gilda. “Stand down,” she said. “Matilda attacked Nav and the dragon defended her. Take her to a doctor and then toss her in the coldest, most miserable cell we have until I decide how to handle this.”

They both shared a look before bowing to her. “At once, princess,” one said. They gathered the poor old woman up and carried her out.

“Now I’m in a much better mood,” the princess said, turning to us with a grin. “Good morning, Nav. How was your talk with my brother?”

“It went well. I promised him my support if a coup happens. We ended up speaking about a lot more. I have a feeling we’ll have more conversations in the future.”

“Excellent. My family will thrive with your support. If there is any way we can ever help you, just let us know.”

“Breakfast would be nice.”

“Then breakfast you shall have! Come.” We walked back into the hallway and down the path from which we came. “So where is Twilight Sparkle this morning?”

“The other Gilda is doing horrifically lewd things to her at the moment,” I said. “Something about a deal that Twilight flaked on. I don’t know the details.”

“Ah. Quite a life you lead, allowing so many others to take advantage of your marefriend.”

“It’s a give and take relationship. If we ever got super serious, that would probably stop.”

“Nav’s just too much of a slut for one mare to handle right now,” Spike said.

“Hey, I’m a lady,” I said with a fancy z-snap.

“Yeah, a slutty one.”

“I mean, I can’t deny it.”

“That’s because it’s undeniable,” Gilda said.

“If you two are gonna keep ganging up on me, you might as well make it fun.”

“Truly, it’s a self-evident fact,” she replied. “Surely you can calm the fire in your loins long enough to obtain breakfast.”

“That’s a hard one to ask,” Spike said. “She usually gets woken up with oral at home.”

“Having a slutty changeling maid is enjoyable,” I replied. “And so is having Kat as a blood servant.”

“Do your guests receive such treatment as well?” Gilda asked.

“It could be arranged. Why? Need a place to stay for the pageant?”

“...Perhaps. Hm. Yes, we will go with perhaps for now.” Spike and I high-fived behind her back. She either didn’t notice or didn’t say anything.

Breakfast was pretty good. Instead of green eggs and ham, it was deer steak and hashbrowns. Gilda had apparently already eaten and left after we were served, so Spike and I traded lewd stories about what we had been up to over the week. I had the better stories, of course.

When we were done eating, we started walking back the way we came. “Are you sure you know where we’re going?” Spike asked.

“I have a good sense of direction,” I replied as I let Aqua guide my steps. “I kinda doubt Gilda is done with Twilight yet, but we can probably play around in the other Gilda’s workshop if not.”

“Should we really fiddle with her machines?” Spike asked.

“Not if she isn’t in there, no. And if she’s not, we probably don’t have that much longer until the ship arrives.”

“About an hour,” Aqua replied. “Maybe a little bit more. I can’t wait to call you my precious little cherry blossom in person, Navi!”

I ignored her and continued, “Once it does, we’ll get with Princess Gilda and go over the briefing for the bunker. She apparently has a few useful resources for us. And once we get under way, Luna will come and provide more insight.”

“Luna?!”

“Yes.”

“Why?!”

“Because she’s useful. If she wants to pay off her debt for what she did by helping me, I’m not gonna deny her.”

“But—”

“This isn’t up for debate, Spike. She’s helping us here and she’ll be helping us in Tartarus.”

“...How can you be so against Celestia, yet you’re putting Luna to use?”

“Luna abdicated her throne when she came to the realization that she’s too evil and fucked up to have any kind of power. Celestia’s holding onto hers with an iron fist. I can help Luna. Celestia’s too far gone.”

“Oh. Alright, yeah, that does make sense. But I’ll be keeping my eye on her!”

“Good.” We finally turned the corner to the hallway with my room. The entire wall was covered in purple magic, so I just kept walking past it.

“...Are you sure we’re going the right way?” Spike asked when we got to the door. “I feel the itching under my scales, the same one I always feel around magic.”

“Yeah, that was my room. But the wall is magically soundproofed, so I know they’re still going at it. Unless you want to join them, we’re just gonna keep on walking.”

He hurried to catch up. “How can you tell it’s soundproofed?”

“The wall is glowing purple. That’s why you’re itching. Twilight usually does that when lewd things are going on.”

“Oh, that’s why I never hear anything! That makes sense. I’m kinda surprised you don’t wanna join them, though.”

“I would, but I don’t want you to feel left out. I don’t think you’d be down with doing things to Twilight.”

“...Right. I mean, since they’re having fun… we could, too. You know, if you were interested...”

“I wouldn’t mind a massage, but I’m honestly all sexed out at the moment. This festival was draining and Twilight has been super needy.”

“O-oh…”

“You can just say no,” Aqua whispered. “He would be fine with that. You don’t have to come up with excuses.”

You could just mind your own business. I would be fine with that. You don’t have to come up with things to say.

Apparently that didn’t merit a response.

Thankfully, Gilda was back in her shop, once more with her entire body hanging out of whatever she was working on. Spike and I appreciated the view for a few moments before letting ourselves in. “Need any help?” I asked.

“Pass me a wrench,” she replied from within the contraption. There was a toolkit next to her lower half, so I grabbed a wrench and passed it to her.

“Did you build all of these yourself?” Spike asked, gazing around the room.

“Yes, though Nav gave me most of the designs.”

“What are you working on now?” he asked as she started banging on something inside the large hollow contraption.

“A diving bell for our navy,” she replied. “This one is my own design. There’s a sunken ship not too far off the coast with something important on it. It’s too deep for free-divers, but not too deep that the pressure would kill.”

“Lower it slowly,” I said. “And let the people inside it determine the speed. The pressure down there doesn’t fuck around. And the instant they find whatever they’re looking for, pull them back.”

“Of course. Do humans have experience with diving?”

“Yeah. We built boats that could go underwater. They were called submarines. We also had ways individuals could stay underwater for prolonged periods of time.”

She finally pushed herself out of the diving bell. “Anything that we could build with our current technology levels?”

“...Maybe? The tech is honestly very basic, but getting all the air you’d need into the tank would be difficult. You’re better off just asking Twilight to teach your court mages the spells they’d need. I’m pretty sure she has spells for resisting pressure and for breathing underwater.”

She looked at the wrench in her talons before sighing and dropping it into the toolbox. “Where is she, then?”

“Hey, I didn’t say I wouldn’t help you. But Twilight could help your military get that shit tomorrow instead of in months.”

“I’m aware,” she said. “Just about every piece of technology you showed me is something that magic could do faster. That said, I believe technology would outpace magic in the end, especially in terms of accessibility for the common griffin. Right now, we need to get down to that boat. In the future, we can work on making it so that everybody can go underwater whenever they choose.”

“Then I’m afraid she’s currently indisposed. I’d be happy to help you work on this until she’s done or my ship gets here, though.”

She only seemed conflicted for a moment before grinning. “I think I would like that. Here, help me back in.”

“Spike, come hold this thing up for us,” I said.

“I dunno, Nav,” he said as he walked over. “That thing looks kinda heavy.”

“Just give it a try. If you can’t do it, that’s fine.”

He shrugged and wrapped his scaly arms around it. He heaved up and, after a few seconds, managed to lift it. Just a moment later, he set it back down. “Nope, can’t do it. Sorry, Nav.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I finally placed my hands together under the entrance to the bell. Gilda placed one of her talons into them and used that to push herself back into it. With me and Spike to pass her tools, she was able to keep her entire body in the contraption.

About thirty minutes later, a dazed Twilight and a very smug Gilda walked in. OG nodded at us. “What up, nerds?” she warmly asked.

“Not much. Did you settle that problem?”

“Sure did,” Gilda asked, slapping Twilight on the ass. My mare squeaked and jumped. “I guess I’ll be settling with you some time later, Nav.”

“I can’t wait. Twilight, can you help Gilda with something?”

“She already did,” OG replied, slapping Twilight’s poor booty once more.

“Will you stop that?!” Twilight asked. In reply, Gilda slapped her a third time. Twilight (gently) punted her across the room with magic. “What does the princess need?”

PG’s head poked out of the bell. “Nav says you know a spell for breathing underwater and another spell for dealing with pressure. Is that true?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Will you teach them to one of our court unicorns? We need to recover something in a sunken ship.”

“Oh, of course. Or if you’d like, I can write them down. I’ll need magic ink, thick paper, and a high quality quill, though.”

“I’ll have them fetched at once,” PG replied, finally jumping out of the bell. She managed to land gracefully this time. “Wait here.”

She left the room with what looked like a small spring in her step. Once we could no longer hear her walking down the hall, Twilight grunted. “Getting laid did her a world of good!”

“Right?” I said.

OG smirked. “How was she, Nav? Nice and tight?”

“No comment.”

“Uh huh. We’ll see how long that lasts. You’ll be bragging all about it soon.”

“No comment.”

“Suuuure. So how did you enjoy a little bit of true griffin culture?”

“It was interesting,” I replied. “Twilight and I were both in disguise as ponies, so we got to see a few unique aspects of it.”

“Such as?” Gilda sweetly asked.

“The Running of the Ponies,” Twilight said. “I got caught. Nav escaped.”

Gilda clapped her talons together. “Nicely done! How’d you manage it?”

“Taking frequent turns, using back alleys, and dipping into buildings. The griffins all loved it.”

“Why?” Spike asked. “I thought the goal was to catch you.”

“Nope,” Gilda said. “The goal is to hunt. Catching you is the reward. But there’s nothing better than finding worthy prey.”

“Most of them seemed upset that ponies generally try to lose,” I said. “They liked that I actually tried.”

“Huh. I suppose that makes sense,” Spike slowly said.

“No it doesn’t,” Twilight said. “Griffins are crazy. Who’d actually want to hunt somebody down?”

“Predators, duh,” I said. “After the hunt, we got sold at an auction. I ended up getting sold to some super rich, socially awkward dude. After fucking him, he asked me to marry him.”

“What did you say?” Spike asked.

“Twilight cast a spell on me earlier that allowed me to teleport back to a certain point if I spoke a certain word. So I said that word.”

“Harsh!” Gilda said. “But I gotta say, it’s the best comeback a hen could have.”

“He ended up putting wanted poster up for me, offering a hundred bit bounty.”

“And there’s an example of taking the hunt too far,” Gilda said. “Talk about creepy. How did you handle it?”

“By turning back into a human. Good luck finding somebody that never really existed. Then I participated in a tournament.”

“I heard about that,” Gilda said. “They said you beat a dragon!”

“With my help,” Twilight said. “We were worried about an attempt on the princess’s life, so Nav entered the contest to protect her.”

“That’s not true,” I said. “That’s why we cheated. I entered because Gilda asked me to. But I guess it’s not a very important point.”

“She was awful quick to suggest cheating, though,” Twilight said.

“She didn’t suggest it. She commanded it. First I fought a famous griffin named Sir Deathnail.”

“And nailed him to the wall,” Twilight smugly said.

“Then I fought a dog named Rin Tin Tin.”

“And pounded that puppy into the dirt.”

“Next it was a minotaur named Iron Will.”

“You really rocked his world!” Spike and Gilda looked at each other, sharing a moment of pain. I sympathized, but refused to contradict my mare.

“Finally it was that dragon named Ithys. And I didn’t so much beat him as I did convince him to give up.”

“How’d you do that?” Gilda asked.

“By squeezing the back of his tail and threatening to make him cum if he didn’t.”

“You what?!” Twilight demanded while Gilda and Spike laughed.

“Did I not mention that? I thought for sure we talked about this.”

“You molested a teenager in front of everybody!”

“I swear we talked about this.”

“Oh, we’re gonna be talking about this, missy!”

“Lay off, Twilight,” Spike said, still struggling to hold back giggles. “It’s not a big deal!”

“Threatening to force a teenager to cum in front of an entire audience isn’t a big deal?!”

Gilda scoffed. “Well it is when you word it like that,” she sarcastically replied.

“You keep calling him a teenager, but you didn’t have any problem with me having an actual relationship with Kumani,” I said.

“Uh, yeah I did. Most of us did, in fact. Mind, that had less to do with her age and more to do with her maturity, but—”

“It’s not like I had any other choice,” I said. “There was no other way I could beat that guy. Judging from some of what he was doing, he was fully intending to kill me. At the very least, he certainly didn’t seem to care if I lived. It was either do that, give up, or possibly get killed.”

“Nav, how many times have you been molested?”

“I get your point, Twilight. I really do. But I’m pretty sure dragons don’t really consider that molestation. I saw plenty of dragons grappling in Iceland and they didn’t shy away from the tail.”

“Sure it was just grappling?” Gilda asked with a smirk.

“No, but I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be a crowd standing around and cheering for a couple having sex. If there had been a better way, I wouldn’t have used his tail to beat him. As it was, everything worked out in the end.”

“Until he tells somebody how you won!” Twilight said. “What are you gonna do when it’s all in the papers?”

“Nothing. It’s not like I broke the rules. He did give up. It might be bad form, but again, I don’t think anyone would call it molestation. You’re just making a mountain over a molehill.”

She opened her mouth to retort, but Princess Gilda walked in, followed by a servant with all kinds of writing materials. “Will these do?” she asked.

Twilight narrowed her eyes at me for a moment before turning to look at what Gilda brought. After appraising them for a moment, she nodded. “Yes, the materials are high enough quality. I can transcribe both spells with this. Give me somewhere quiet to work and fifteen minutes.”

PG turned to the servant. “Lead her to a sitting room. Return her here when she is finished.”

The servant bowed. “As you command, princess.” He stood back up and faced Twilight. “Please come with me.” The two of them thankfully dipped, leaving the room feeling slightly lighter.

“So what did I miss?” PG asked.

“Nav molested a dragon,” OG said.

PG looked from me to Spike a few times before focusing her gaze on me. “Can you not control yourself for five minutes?!”

“This was at the tournament,” I said, rolling my eyes. “That’s how I defeated the dragon. I pressed down on his tail until he surrendered.”

She blinked a few times. “...What does that do?”

OG reached over and pressed down on the base of Spike’s tail. He moaned and the tip of his dragonhood poked out of its sheath. “That’s what it does,” OG said.

Spike replied by using his tail to slap her ass.

“You all have problems,” PG sighed, shaking her head. “But I suppose that carnal victory helped safeguard my life, so I will not complain.”

Before we could continue the vocal equivalent of shitposting, a guard stepped in and bowed toward PG. “An airship bearing Lady Navarone’s heraldic symbol approaches.” About time.

“Take Nav and his friends to meet them at the skydock. I’ll send a messenger there once I have everything ready for the briefing.”

“We have a briefing room on the ship,” I said. “But if you have a bigger, more comfortable briefing room, that would also work.”

“I do. Bring your officers when I send the messenger. I will also be sure to collect Twilight, since I’m sure you would be upset if we just left her here.”

I’d probably get over it. “Then we’ll head that way,” I replied with a nod. The guard led us out into the hallway, picked a direction, and started walking that way. We followed.

“So where are we going after this, again?” OG asked.

“A human installation,” I replied.

“You mean like the one where you got attacked by ghosts?”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome! I knew traveling with you was the right move!”

“How is that a good thing?” Spike asked.

“It confirms an afterlife,” Gilda replied with a shrug. “Who cares about dying if it means I get to roam around, messing with the living for all eternity?”

“Then you can go in first,” I replied. “I don’t have a soul, so when I die, I’m done.”

The guard leading us looked back at me with a grin. “You’re being too harsh on yourself, my lady. You may be rough around the edges, but you have a wonderful soul!”

“I mean that literally, not figuratively,” I said. “I’m a magical construct, not actually alive. I’m working on getting a soul, but I don’t currently have one.”

“Uhhh… Huh.”

“It’s a long, weird story,” Spike said, waving a claw. He actually picked me up and snuggled me close. “It’s okay, though. We all love her anyway!”

I immediately replied, “Gay.”

Gilda nodded and added, “Super gay.”

The guard apparently also wanted to be cool, so he turned his head back to the front and said, “Super duper gay.”

Spike sighed and set me back down, his cute little ear spine things hanging low. I patted him on the shoulder. “That’s okay, Spike. I’m sure Rarity would still be happy to find you a date. I’m sure she’d be even happier to find you a pretty dress!”

“Eat a dick, Nav,” he replied.

“I think Gilda’s already got a claim on yours.” The guard stopped in his tracks and stared at me in shock and horror. “This Gilda,” I said, poking Gilda’s fluffy neck. “Not Princess Gilda.”

He sighed in relief and continued. “You had me worried there for a moment, my lady. I would hate to have to try and arrest a dragon for defiling our princess.”

Spike grinned and said, “Then you’ll wanna arr—”

Gilda cut him off with a very harsh looking kick to his ribs, making him lose his breath. “Having issues, there?” she sweetly asked.

Spike glared at her, but thankfully kept his mouth shut. The guard didn’t say a word.

The ship hadn’t actually docked at the skyport by the time we arrived, but it was only a few minutes away. We sent the guard on his way while all three of us flew over to it. When I got about halfway there, I got teleported into the warm and fuzzy legs of my daughter. I hugged her back, because I can occasionally pretend to be a good mother.

“I missed you sooooo much, mommy!” she finally said.

“I missed you too, honey,” I whispered. “Twilight just isn’t the right kind of squishy.”

“Ugh, I’m not squishy!”

“It’s okay, Taya,” I replied. “I love you, squish and all. But since I’m sure you’ve been skimping on your running, we’ll have to make up for lost time!”

“Mommy, no!”

“Mommy yes,” I replied, finally pulling back. She still looked pretty happy to see me, at least. “Did you have fun while I was gone?”

“No. But I’m looking forward to the trip to the bunker! I bet I’ll get to blow up all kinds of stuff!”

That’s my adorable little psychopath! “Probably. You didn’t enjoy any of your classes?”

“Well… maybe one or two.”

Gourd cleared his throat from next to us. “She gushes about all of them to Doppel every day, my lady.” My adorable little daughter’s face turned bright red.

“Good. I’m glad you’re enjoying your classes, Taya. Have you made any friends?”

“No…”

I looked up at Gourd. He shrugged. I looked back down at Taya and tousled her hair. “That’ll change. Now then, I’m gonna head down to my room real quick. Gourd, get Watcher and meet me down there in five minutes.”

“You got it, my lady,” he replied with a nod. Taya walked next to me, pushing up against my leg with every step.

All the crew and guards I passed seemed happy to see me, each one smiling and saluting as I passed. It made me feel slightly better than it should have. Seeing the water elementals poking their watery heads over the side filled me with trepidation, but I ignored it and continued down into the gloomy depths of the ship.

For some reason, my claustrophobic room felt very comforting and I fell onto my bed with a sigh. “So how was your week-long date?” Taya sweetly asked.

“An experience,” I replied into the pillow. I finally pushed myself back up and checked the drawer. Thankfully, there were real clothes in there, things that weren’t miniskirts and tiny dresses.

“A fun experience?” she asked as I started pulling out clothes. She pushed the door shut with magic when I kicked off my shoes.

“Some of it, yeah. Griffin culture is surprisingly open. There was tons of sex going on all over the place.”

“...Wow. And uh… it’s still going on, right?”

“Yeah. I think today is the last day. Twilight and I both got laid a ton.”

“Um. You… you mean by each other, right?”

“That too. Mostly random griffins, though. We were in disguise. We even got to be sold at an auction as girlfriends!”

“What?!”

“Yeah, it was definitely an experience.” I finally finished getting redressed, so I fell back down onto the bed. “I missed home, though.”

“Good.” She hopped up next to me and fell on top of me. “So… it wasn’t actually a date, was it?”

“I’m really not sure what you would classify it as. We did spend a lot of time together, but not much of it was really romantic. A lot of it was her being annoying, but I was usually just as annoying. So all in all, it was an experience.”

“Sounds like it. So you get to pick the next event, right? What are you planning?”

“I wasn’t, actually.”

“Well you should! Especially after she went through all this effort to put this trip together for you!”

That’s a fair point, I guess. “I’ll think about it.”

A knock at the door cut off any more conversation. Taya opened it with magic, allowing Watcher and Gourd to enter.

“Welcome back,” Watcher said with a nod. “How was your trip?”

“Interesting. Griffin culture is very different to what I’m used to.”

“That it is,” he replied. “I believe you mentioned bounty hunters?” Taya gasped and stared at me in shock.

“I did,” I said. “Apparently someone in China put a bounty out on me. I got attacked by two different hunters. One was a standard grizzled fighter and the other was a very dangerous and magically boosted assassin. The assassin is dead and the fighter is no longer interested in me.”

“And you didn’t tell me?!” Taya demanded.

“Yes I did. I literally just did.”

“Why didn’t you have any guards?” she asked.

“I didn’t need them and I didn’t want them. That said, I won’t be going anywhere without them for a while. That’s the first point on the agenda.”

“What are we gonna do about the bounty?” Watcher asked.

“Nothing for now. Any bounty hunters who wanna try their luck against me and mine are welcome to.”

“That’s dumb,” Gourd said. “Why invite attacks like that?”

“Because I don’t really think anyone would be dumb enough to actually try attacking me while I’m surrounded by my people. Especially in Canterlot. I’ll deal with it in time.”

“Never discount desperation,” Watcher said. “And greed can be even worse. Any bounty against you is sure to be huge. Possibly huge enough for several bounty hunters to work together.”

“I have more important shit on my plate than dealing with a bounty. I’ll be at the bunker soon, then probably in a coma, and then I have some stupid beauty pageant thing. After that will be Tartarus. When exactly am I supposed to make time to go to the exact opposite side of the world to deal with this? And why, when I probably won’t be outside or open to attack for very long to begin with?”

“It is, of course, your choice,” Watcher said, bowing his head.

“The second reason I brought you here involves my lovely little daughter,” I said. “As I’m sure you both know, she ordered Kat to do something absolutely fucking retarded.”

“Did not!” she immediately shouted.

“So from now on, if she orders you to do something you know would piss me off, you come to me first. That also goes for her ordering you to do something stupid.”

“That’s not fair!” Taya said. “They’re my vassals too!”

“They are,” I said. “And they’re your vassals with orders to disobey any order you give them that’s dumb as fuck. I’ll be giving Kat this same talk, so don’t think you can get away with using her instead.”

“What about your dumb orders?” Gourd asked.

“Tell me why they’re dumb and we’ll talk it over.”

“Why can’t they talk my dumb orders over with me?!” Taya demanded.

“Fine. You two can tell Taya why her orders are dumb. If she orders you to do it anyway, then you come to me.”

“Sounds fair to me,” Watcher said before my daughter could reply.

“And like a good idea,” Gourd added with a nod. “Is that order gonna go for all the crew as well? And the soldiers?”

“When in doubt, they should either come to me or you.”

“Not fair at all,” my precious daughter muttered with an adorable little pout on her face.

“Then you shouldn’t have abused your position,” I said. “You did something you knew I would be mad about. Did you expect me to just take that sitting down?”

“I was certainly hoping!”

“Well, too bad. The third thing is that Luna is going to be joining us for the trip to the bunker.”

“Why?” Watcher immediately asked.

“Because she’s very powerful and I figure we need every bonus we can get. And for a few other reasons. Taya, cast the spell to check for magical eavesdroppers.”

Her horn lit up and a light pulsed out from it. “Nothing, mommy.”

“Celestia summoned Luna back to Canterlot. Luna thinks Celestia’s making her move against me when we get back from the bunker. I want all of my pieces in place before we get back just in case. Having Luna working with us for a week or two means she’ll have a chance to warm up before facing off against Celestia.”

“Do you really think it’s coming to that?” Watcher slowly asked.

“No. I think Celestia has something else in mind, but I don’t know what. It’s got me worried, but not for my safety. Cadance, Shining Armor, Twilight, and Moonbeam are also standing with us.”

“So you finally spoke to Twilight about it?” Taya asked.

“I did. She chose to side with me, or so she said. I really hope she was telling the truth.” Not that it matters, since there’s probably no way Celestia will actually turn on me.

“We’ll test her with the truth spell,” Watcher said. “So how are we to treat Luna?”

“That’s up to you,” I said. “I won’t dictate your behavior. All I ask is that you not be violent. Whether you give her the cold shoulder or a piece of your mind is up to you.”

“I’m gonna yell at her a lot,” Taya said with a sinister looking grin.

“Have fun with that. Do it when I’m not around. Now, I’ll close with this: Princess Gilda is going to be sending a messenger here soon. Once he arrives, we’ll follow him to a meeting room where we’ll go over everything we know about the bunker and begin formulating plans of attack.”

“I actually feel better with Luna on our side,” Gourd said. “She may be insane, but that can be a good thing when directed properly.”

“Kat is a good example,” Watcher said. “Something inside of her checked out a long time ago, but you put her to good use. If you can manage to do the same with Luna, you’ll be in a very good place.”

“...Are you calling Kat insane?” Taya asked.

“Yes.”

“She is insane,” Gourd added. “Terrifyingly so.” Didn’t stop you from having wet dreams about her. But then, the crazy ones are always the best in bed.

“Yeah, insanely hot,” I said. “And also very mentally unstable, probably to a dangerous degree. But all signs point to her being unerringly loyal, so I can live with that. From everything I’ve seen, Luna is the same way. Time will tell, but I feel confident that she’ll prove useful.”

“Just watch yourself, my lady,” Watcher said. “She and her sister are wily.”

“If I can’t trust any of the links in the chain we’ve built to depose Celestia, I already lost. I will be wary, but I have to trust her.”

“So what’s the plan for today?” Gourd asked. “What are we doing after we get briefed by the princess?”

“We’ll decide after the fact. I’m okay with giving everyone a day of R&R here at the festival before we move on.”

“What’s R&R?” Taya asked.

“Rest and relaxation,” Watcher answered for me. “I think that’s a fine idea. I wouldn’t mind partaking in some of what the festival has to offer.”

“The other option is to leave as soon as the briefing is done. I don’t really care either way. I’m in a hurry to get this show on the road, but I’d be happy to let everyone enjoy what’s left of the festival.”

“All of my guards would have fun celebrating what’s left of the festival with their lady,” Watcher said. “And more to the point, you’re asking them to do something very dangerous and none of them know why. I feel like it would be a good chance for you to explain it to them.”

“Yeah, I had some questions about that, actually,” Gourd said.

Taya sniffed and almost said something rude and snotty, but I pinched her. “I’m gonna try and answer as many questions as I can at the briefing. I know that this isn’t something a lot of people want to do.”

“Silver Quill apparently wrote a full fifteen wills,” Watcher said. “She didn’t give me any details, though.”

“Why the fuck is that bitch working? I specifically remember telling her to take a vacation.”

“Nav, you’re doing something stupid,” Watcher said. “Stop trying to fight it. This. Is. Stupid. We’re literally on the doorstep of wrestling power from Celestia. So why are we assaulting a compound in the middle of nowhere?!”

“What’s happening with Celestia right now affects you and me tomorrow. What I think is in that bunker affects the entire world forever. I think what’s in there will help us change everything. I said it from the beginning and I said it to everybody: I am doing what I think is right. If you don’t like it, find a new lady. At the moment, your options are a little bit limited. You and your soldiers have very valuable skills, Watcher. I’d be happy to give you a glowing recommendation if you want to take your business elsewhere. As for myself, I’m going into that bunker if I have to fucking walk.”

“You won’t be walking,” Gourd said. “Since, you know, you own the boat.”

“I’m not saying we won’t follow you,” Watcher coldly replied. “We want to know why. We want you to slow down and take the time to explain to us why we’re doing this.”

“Yeah, that’s the point of the briefing. I understand that this decision isn’t popular. Am I going to have issues with it despite that?”

“Absolutely not,” Gourd said. “Your word is law. Even if I don’t understand, I’ll obey.”

“The responsibility of power is going to be on you this time,” Watcher said. “We’ll obey, but every death will be at your feet.”

“Every death was already at my feet, so nothing’s changed. I’d feel guilt if anybody died following any of my orders. But I refuse to feel extra guilty because somebody is following an order they don’t want to follow. I’m not forcing anybody to do anything. I am going to the bunker. You guys can do whatever. If you think going there is dumb and you follow me anyway, that’s on you.”

“We usually have more to go on than hunches and feelings,” Watcher said. “It would put our minds at ease to find there’s actually something there worth getting.”

“We’ll go over everything at the briefing.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Was there anything else?”

“Princess Gilda will be joining us on our trip. She might bring a few retainers, but we’ll be in charge of security.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Watcher said.

“It’s a non-negotiable part of a personal agreement,” I said. “Personally, I think it’s dumb as fuck. I’ll be making arrangements to make sure nothing comes back on us if something happens to her.”

“Good.”

“She’ll be sending a messenger to the ship shortly. I’ll be here when he arrives.”

“I’ll let you know when he gets here,” Gourd said.

“And I’ll be ready to go when he does,” Watcher added. With that, the two of them finally left. Taya’s horn lit up and the door closed behind them.

“So why are we going to the bunker again?” Taya asked.

“Reasons. We’ll talk about it at the briefing. I don’t like repeating myself.”

She shrugged and fell onto me. “You don’t need a reason, mommy. Just point and I’ll go.”

“I know, honey. You’re my adorable, psychopathically loyal little girl.”

“Yep!”

Aqua sniffed. “I can’t believe you just called your own daughter a psychopath.”

She agreed.

“Of course she agreed. You said it. She would say the sky was green if you told her it was.”

“Taya, would you say the sky is green if I told you it was?”

“No, that’s dumb.”

“Yeah. It is.”

Aqua kept her whore mouth shut and let me cuddle my daughter in peace.

Soon enough, I found myself in an actual war room. I was joined by Taya, Brook, Flo, Aqua, Princess Gilda, Twilight, Watcher, Gourd, and a very fluffy red cat named Felix.

“So what do we have on this place?” I asked Gilda.

She turned to the cat beside her. He cleared his throat and pulled a map out of his coat. When he went to spread it out in front of me, his tail wrapped around my leg. “I’ll be happy to give you the tour, my lady. It is in a mountain range several hundred kilometers southwest. Getting to it around the mountains was our primary concern. With your ship, that should be no problem.”

“Not necessarily,” Gourd said. “Some of the mountains out this way are high. We’ll have difficulties navigating. If we get too far up into the mountains, it’ll be difficult for us to breathe.”

“Aerie might be able to help scout,” I said.

“I can also assist,” Gilda said. “My father granted me access to some of our soldiers. Guiding the airship shouldn’t be too difficult. I’ve been working on radios. It might be possible to plant a transmitter of some kind on your ship to keep them in contact with us at all times.”

“That’s excellent,” I said with a nod. “We could really use one.”

“Then consider it a gift,” she replied with a smile. “Now, continue.”

The cat pointed at a point a few kilometers right of the center. “This is the entrance of the zone. It goes miles all around in a general circular shape. Legend states that it’s a crater dating back millions of years. This is the only point from which you can enter. Every other point in the entire zone is blocked by a wall of magic. At this point, there is a huge, heavily forested valley that goes just under the shield. There’s no way we could get the ship through there. The forest is full of mindless guards of various races. We’re talking dragons, powerful unicorns, heavily armed dogs and naga. Not the kind of crowd you wanna tango with.”

“Has anyone ever tried talking with them?” Twilight asked.

“I’m not sure,” he replied with a shrug. “The only people who go there are thieves and explorers. The thieves usually try to sneak past them and the explorers usually bolt at the first sign of trouble.”

“You happened to be one of the thieves,” Princess Gilda said with a nod.

“The best. Now, enough about the guards. The real problem is the forest. It’s so bad that it makes the Everfree look like a park. There are all kinds of horrific monsters, dangerous plants, unique diseases, and who knows what else.”

“We can help with that,” Brook said. “If we clear a path, none of the wildlife should bother us. The others can keep us safe from the attacking guards.”

“Well, those are the most difficult obstacles. Once you get into the zone itself, it’s mostly an easy path. The atmosphere is… warped, though. Everything is accelerated. Plants grow and die in minutes and the weather changes constantly.”

“How are griffins with cloud busting?” I asked.

“We get by,” Gilda said. “With unicorn support, we should be able to make it.”

“The approach is mostly straightforward, when the wildlife is cooperating,” the cat continued. “We might run into some more guards, since we’re such a big group. If we’re lucky, there’s a cave we can take shelter in for the night. I found it the last time I was there, but things there are fluid.”

“If push comes to shove, we can stick it out,” I said. “We have enough unicorns to keep everyone awake.”

“You do not want to be out at night,” he said. “As soon as the sun goes down, and it goes down very early in a crater like that, it snap freezes. It gets considerably below zero. We must have shelter or a plan in case we don’t.”

“This is sounding worse and worse by the second,” Watcher said. “Are you sure this is a good idea, Nav? There’s no telling what might be there.”

“We can’t ignore this lead,” I said. “We know it’s a human bunker. We know the dream machine was found there. If that is still working, what else could still be there that’s in good condition?”

The cat nodded. “There’s a reason people like me go there. Most thieves stop in the forest. There are medicines and poisons found there that are more potent than any in the world. Some get through the valley and go up the mountain instead, to chip out incredibly powerful magical jewels. The more foolhardy go further into the valley, to gather plants that grow in the weird cycles. There are thousands of fruits there that have wonderful or horrible effects. But for thieves like me, thieves like the best… there’s the inner dome.”

“Are you really sure being a thief is something to be proud of?” Twilight asked.

“But of course, madam! Thievery is an art! I pride myself in my ability to steal anything from anyone. A jewel, a coin, an ancient book. Or, perhaps in your case, a heart?” Twilight actually blushed.

“About that dome,” I immediately said.

“Ah, yes, the dome,” he said. “At the very center of the crater is a huge hole in the ground. It is covered by a dome of ice. It’s possible to melt a hole in it, but it freezes over again very quickly. Once you get inside, the edge becomes a huge fortress. There are guards posted at all points of the wall and there’s almost no cover. Getting to the wall unseen is almost impossible. Once you’re there, you have to find a place to either scale it or bypass it. There are a few gates here and there. Guards of all races occasionally patrol through here, so it’s possible to sneak in through a door. Once you’re in, the guards are lax and easy to bypass. From there, you just need to get to the opposite walls, then climb down into the hole.”

“You make that sound so easy,” Watcher said.

“It was nothing for the best thief in the world, you old coot.”

“We may be able to assist,” Brook said. “Based on information Flo got from your laptop, we’ve been experimenting on something. We believe we can become invisible. With enough of us together, we could create a veil of invisibility over all of you. We’d have to be very careful not to make a sound, but it’s possible.”

“That is something I can do,” Watcher said. “I know several spells for silence.”

“Once we get into the hole, it becomes a maze,” he said. “Doors open and close at random. Guards roam the halls. This is where true treasures can be found, things of great power. I’ve never been able to get to the center of the maze, so I don’t know what all is there. I do know that the objects I’ve recovered from there have fetched ridiculous prices, though I have no clue what any of them did.”

“Even if we can get in, we might be wandering aimlessly for miles of tunnels,” Watcher said. “Without a map, they can just whittle us down over time.”

“There are sort of spells for that,” Twilight said. “Several sound spells would be able to tell the user where any open cavities are and do a decent job of mapping the tunnels at the same time. We wouldn’t know for sure where any objects of interest are, but it would be a start.”

“A whole lotta unknowns,” Watcher sighed. “We don’t even know what, if anything, we might get out of it.”

“Several priceless artifacts,” the thief said. “If nothing else, we could make enough money to retire comfortably.”

“So there we have it,” I said. “In short, we have a super deadly forest full of crazy powerful guards, a constantly warping, frigidly cold hellscape, and then a fortress full of traps and guards. Sounds like a whole lot of problems.”

“With surprisingly easy solutions,” Twilight said. “Especially with Luna’s help. I’m hesitant to say it sounds easy, but I feel like we can brute-force this one with liberal applications of magic.”

“I’m inclined to agree,” Watcher said. “But this is still a huge risk. Nav, if you know something about the bunker, now’s the time to share it.”

“When I went back in time—”

“You went back in time?” Felix asked, eyes wide.

“Yes. Don’t interrupt. When I went back in time, that bunker is where I went. It’s where I met the man I would have been. He went on to develop life as you know it today. The machine that allows all races to dream was found there. Based on conversations I had with him, I suspect he left a cache there for me. I have no idea what’ll be in it or if it’s even still there, but I have to look.”

“Why didn’t you just say so?” Watcher asked. “That’s extremely relieving.”

“Because communication is hard,” I said. “I’m working on that. So, all my cards are on the table. Anybody else have anything to add?”

“I had a question, actually,” Gilda said. “You mentioned Luna…?”

“I did. She’ll be joining us once we leave.”

“This is the same Luna that admitted to raping you?”

“Yes.”

She looked around the room. Nobody but me would meet her gaze. She finally said, “Alright, I’ll bite. Why is Luna joining us?”

“Because she’s powerful as fuck and I’m pretty sure she’s loyal to me. I want to see just how deep that loyalty goes. This operation will be a good opportunity for that.”

“I mean… Whatever, I guess. I can’t believe I’m the only one raising objections to this.”

“We tried,” Watcher said. “And we were dismissed.”

“Time for a vote,” I said. “Who wants the super powerful, psychopathic rapist on our side?” I raised my hand immediately.

“Sounds good to me,” Felix said, raising one of his paws. Taya shrugged and lifted a hoof. Gourd sighed and lifted his. Twilight rolled her eyes and followed suit. After a few seconds of stillness, Watcher sighed in disgust and lifted his hoof.

“I rest my case,” I said, putting my arm down. “Nobody wants to work with Luna. However, everybody recognizes that working with Luna is considerably better than working without Luna, especially when it comes to things that require a violent solution. Luckily for us, she seems to have calmed down quite a lot.”

“What’s she like now?” Watcher asked.

“Repentant. She knows what she did is wrong and she regrets it. And she knows a lot of what Celestia had her do was evil and regrets it. She wants to make up for what she’s done. I intend to put her to good use.”

“Where does Celestia have her hidden?” Gilda asked.

“Tartarus. I’ve been communicating with her through dreams.”

“Dreams?” Felix asked.

“Yes. Don’t interrupt.”

“But—”

“Taya.” Her horn lit up and Felix’s mouth clamped shut. “So, anybody have any other questions, concerns, or comments?”

“How do you communicate through dreams?” Gilda asked.

“Luna, Twilight, and I are connected to the dream machine. That gives us the ability to access a network of dreams where we can communicate freely. We can also enter any dream we want at will, changing it however we want.”

“That’s… fascinating! You will grant me access later.”

“Will?” I slowly said, lifting an eyebrow.

“Is that what I said?” she sweetly asked.

“It is fascinating, though,” Twilight said. “Even if Nav mostly uses it to give ponies wet dreams.”

“That’s not true!” I quickly said. “It’s not just ponies, not anymore. Now I give everybody wet dreams!”

“Right, forgive me,” she sarcastically replied. “That’s obviously so much better.”

“No it’s not,” I said. “It’s actually so much worse. I just don’t like being lied about. Any other questions? Preferably about the assault on the bunker?”

“What are we doing after?” Watcher asked.

“Going north to speak to Cadance and Shining Armor. Then we’ll drop Gilda off and head back to Canterlot.”

“Alright. Don’t forget to get whatever you need to release us of any liability for Princess Gilda’s safety.”

“Already taken care of,” Gilda said. “I spoke to Hooters earlier. He knows where I’m going and that it’s entirely my choice. He’s the one who picked the soldiers going with us.”

“How are we on supplies?” I asked.

“Fully stocked,” Gourd said.

“Anything else?” I asked. Aside from Felix’s frantic twitching, nobody else had anything to add. “Watcher, Gourd, tell everybody to enjoy the festival, but to be ready to go in the morning. We leave as soon as everyone’s accounted for tomorrow.”

“Where will you be?” Watcher asked.

“In my room on the ship, rubbing my daughter’s belly. I’m festival’d out.”

“Is that really a thing?” Gilda asked. “I know Twilight confirmed it, but…”

“It is,” Watcher said.

“Her bellyrubs are the best!” Gourd added.

“The ear scritches are also nice,” Taya said, placing her head against one of my hands. I took the hint and started scratching it for her.

“...You’re treating her like a pet,” Gilda slowly said.

“So?” I asked. Everybody blinked. “That’s all a son or a daughter really is. Just a pet of the same species that you can train and treat however you want. I treat Taya extremely well and love her with all my heart. I would appreciate you backing the fuck off.”

Her eyebrows lifted. “Wow.”

“Yeah. Anybody else?” There were no comments. I finally stopped scritching my daughter’s ears for her. “Taya, we’re done here.” Her horn lit up and we teleported back to my room on the ship.

“I like being your daughter-pet,” Taya sweetly said.

“Good. Now get on the bed so I can rub your belly, you adorable little cuddleslut.”

She did so with a huge grin.