Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oz-yo2UYHUKgerglDwEDlP2fDOaq2ZhOH8ZtOfhXyvo/edit

“Twilight, we’re going to meet Princess Gilda.”

“Right.”

“Now, this may come as a surprise to you, but there actually are some people I have respect for.”

“I’m following you.”

“King Bloodbeak happens to be one of them.”

“I know. What’s your point?”

“I’m not going to meet his daughter dressed like a complete slut with no panties.”

“Well, why not?”

“Uh. Because I’m on my fucking period?”

She looked down at my cooch. It took a second because my body needed to convert back from horse mode, but the cramps were finally starting again and the blood was starting to come back. “...Oh. Uh, right. That’s completely fair.”

“And I wouldn’t do it even if I wasn’t, because Gilda has no respect for slutty behavior. She’s very traditional. I wouldn’t want to offend our hosts.”

“That never stops you from offending Celestia.”

“Yeah, but I actually like Bloodbeak.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Wear whatever you want, Nav. I still need to get ready, myself.”

With her permission (not that I needed it), I turned to the bed, where I had the few outfits she brought for me laid out.

“Of course you need her permission,” Aqua said. “You just love being her little toy.”

It’s actually starting to get a little bit grating. If I don’t want to do something, I shouldn’t have to give her a reason.

“Is that something you’ve considered communicating to her?”

Tch, no. Why the fuck would I do that? It’s easier to just let the anger over a bunch of little things build up over time until it completely sabotages our relationship. Then she’ll realize I really was a piece of shit the entire time and she’ll hate me as much as I do. Duh.

Aqua giggled and my mouth opened. “Twilight, can we talk for a moment?” she asked through my mouth.

“About what?” she distractedly asked.

Don’t you fucking do it, you nasty skank!

“Well, there’s just something that’s been bothering me. Whenever I say I don’t like something or don’t want to do something, you always badger me about it and make me give you a reason. Then if you don’t think it’s good enough, you try to push me to do it anyway.”

She stopped what she was doing and stared at me for a few long seconds. Finally, she said, “Nav, something my friends in Ponyville taught me is that sometimes, you need to step outside of your comfort zone. I’ve tried to get you to do that your entire time here, but you never gave it a chance until just recently. And as much as you may hate to admit it, you seem happier now than you have in a long time. If you really want me to stop pushing you, I will. But as your friend… No, as your special somepony, I think you really need to let yourself try new things. You still have so many of your past prejudices in your mind, even if you try to hide them from us. I’m trying to help you break those walls down, Nav.”

Since the damage was done, Aqua let my mouth go. I instantly tried to tell her the truth about Aqua, but my mouth seized up. “Hush, my dear little lady,” Aqua whispered. “You didn’t really think I’d let you tell her, did you? I know what you plan as soon as you do, silly!”

She let my mouth go, because she knew I had learned my lesson. I hate you. “Twilight, some of those walls exist because I like them there. I understand what you’re doing, and I do appreciate the thought. But sometimes, you and the others just go too far. You’re free to try to get me to try things, but if I ever tell you no, please respect that. The fact that no one does is starting to wear on me.”

“So I’ve been seeing,” she sighed, looking down. “I’m sorry, Nav. Sometimes I just get so caught up in trying to do what I think is best that I forget to ask how others feel.”

“That’s okay, Twiley. But I’m done with the bullshit pretty parties. With very few exceptions, they have always felt uncomfortable and shitty. I’m also done with surprise parties. The next one of those I get, I’m just leaving. I might think of a few others later.”

Her eyes met mine again. “Thank you for telling me, Nav. I wish you had spoken up sooner.”

“I have. More than once. You and the others brushed me off. I’ve found that I’m having to explain it point blank and very bluntly to everyone.”

She rubbed the back of her neck and looked away again. “Well… you kinda have a way of talking around things sometimes, Nav.”

“I’ve told you up front before that I hate parties in general and pretty parties in particular.”

Her ears drooped. “Aqua told me you were lying. She and her sisters really want you to be as feminine and proper as possible.”

“I see,” I very coldly replied. “And you didn’t think to verify that?”

“I trusted her! She was supposed to be my friend and help guide me!”

“I’m gonna let you in on a little secret here, Twiley,” I said, crossing my arms. “Those things all have their own agenda. If any of them tell you anything, consider very strongly why they tell you. And don’t ever trust yourself alone with one.”

“They’re not that bad! I know you didn’t like Aqua, and I understand that the two of you grated a little, but she isn’t evil! I know she would never hurt anypony. I mean, she left me as soon as I told her to!”

I’m sure the wry grin I had on my face was a little confusing to her, but that’s okay. “Let me tell you a little something about Aqua,” I said, my voice probably sounding more than a little angry. My blood was beating in my head, so it was kinda hard to hear myself. “That fucking cunt can go get spitroasted by Blaze and Char. Hopefully between the two of them, they’ll either teach her where her place is or kill that H2Hoe trying! That bitch is gonna get what’s coming to her, and soon! I swear it!”

Needless to say, Twilight looked shocked at my tirade. At the end of it, I realized I had been shouting. “...Wow. Is there uh… is there something you need to talk about?”

Yes!

“No, of course not,” Aqua said with my mouth.

“Um. You sure? That sounded… kinda personal.”

“...I’m fine,” I said, looking away.

“If you say so,” she replied, shaking her head. “I’ll do my best to stop pressuring you, Nav. Feel free to stop me if I ever go too far. I don’t want to make you unhappy.”

“Alright.” I think she realized I was done with that conversation, so she sighed again and went back to picking her outfit.

“Feeling better?” Aqua sweetly asked. I tried not to think out loud at her, but she picked up on my disgust. “Remember when I compared you to a child, Nav? This is why. Silly little temper tantrums, the silent treatment, petty insults. I’m starting to understand why Discord picked you! You’re just like him.”

What, you mean human? Because all of that sounds pretty standard for most of us. You robots are the ones ruled by logic. We’re all passion.

“At your most basic,” she stuffily replied. “But at your best, you are creatures of logic and kindness, not anger and hate.”

At our best, we are all of the above. We’re normally logical, but we know when to let emotions take over. We’re normally kind, but we know when to let our rage show. Whether you like it or not, I’m the only human you have left. You can try to tame me all you want, but that just means you don’t understand what it truly is to be human. You will come to regret this, I guarantee it.

“Your confidence is so cute, Navi. I could flip your brain off like a light switch if I wanted and I know what you’re going to do before you do. You will never escape my loving grasp. I suggest you start learning to like it. The more you resist, the more I will crack down on you. If you keep giving me lip, I’m turning Kat into your personal stylist and she will keep you dressed like a perfect lady at all times.”

...I didn’t have time to have another argument with that cunt anyway. While I was getting dressed in the most modest outfit we had packed, Twilight suddenly burst into giggles. “H2Hoe? Really?”

“I stand by it,” I said with a nod.

“You are so adorable sometimes, Navi,” she sighed.

“Really?” I asked. “I always thought of myself as fierce.”

“It’s hard of me to think of you as fierce ever since that time I had you begging for mommy to teach you your place.”

“Just think about the time I dropped a dude into a volcano with a smile on my face.”

She tilted her head slightly for a moment. “...No, still thinking about how you moaned while I turned your flank bright red.”

“...Slut.”

“Says the one who begged me to put the plug in before the spanking started.”

“Ugh. Are you ready or not?”

“Of course I am, my adorable little Navi. Are you ready to teleport out?”

“...A time’s comin’ where I’m gonna remind you how fierce I really am, Twiley. I hope your body is ready.”

She smirked and used magic to slap my booty. “Bring it on.” Her horn lit up brighter and we both teleported in front of the griffin palace.

“Yo mouth just wrote a check ya booty’s gonna have to cash. I hope you understand that.” She blushed bright red. There’s no way she expected me to actually reply in front of the royal guards, who were now snickering. “You gotta remember, Twiley: I ain’t got no shame left. I’ll talk about whatever the fuck I want in front of whoever the fuck I want.”

“Yeah, I get it. Now can we please go?”

“Sure.” I walked up closer to the guards. “Hey, do you guys know if Princess Gilda is in? She invited me to see her during the festival.”

“She is, Lady Navarone. She told us to keep an eye out for you. Any servant would be happy to show you to her chambers.”

“Cool beans. Cheers, bro.” He looked confused by that, but I’m pretty sure he got the gist.

Twilight and I entered the palace, though she was shaking her head in disappointment. “I thought you were working on your reputation, Nav. Part of that means censoring yourself. Another part of that means speaking properly.”

“Eat a dick, I’m on vacation.”

“Oh.” She sounded kinda disappointed, but I was willing to accept that.

“You’re such a wonderful partner,” Aqua said. “You care so much for how Twilight feels.”

Thanks, I try. She scoffed, but it was her own fault for getting snippy with me.

Generally speaking, there weren’t that many servants running around the griffin palace. It was never anywhere near as busy as Celestia’s court, after all. At the moment, it seemed that even more of them were gone than usual due to the festival. It took us a few minutes to find a servant, but when we did, he took us straight to Gilda’s flight of the palace.

The difference was immediate. As soon as we stepped off the carpet and onto the smooth stone floor, Twilight looked up at the lights and slowed down. “It’s like that store…”

“Electricity,” the servant said with pride. “Princess Gilda has reproduced all manner of marvels from Lady Navarone’s people. Engines, generators, radios, the list goes on. She’s revolutionized dozens of fields!”

“That sounds… amazing,” Twilight slowly said.

“When we get back, we’re gonna watch a movie on my laptop,” I said. “I want you to see what humans have done without any magic at all.”

“I’ll take you up on that,” she replied with a nod. “The laptop is impressive enough as it is.”

“Princess Gilda spoke of a laptop,” the servant said. “From what she was saying, she’d pay dearly to possess it.”

“It’s not for sale,” I immediately replied.

“I’m surprised no one has tried to steal it,” Twilight said.

“If I caught them in the act, they would never try again,” I said. “And if I caught them after the fact, there’d be hell to pay.”

“Spoken like a true predator,” he said with a grin. “You’re wasted on the ponies, Lady Navarone. Your fierceness would be properly appreciated here.”

“She’s too adorable to be fierce,” Twilight said. “You just haven’t seen her all dolled up and looking cute.”

“It’s good that you’ve taken to your new gender so well,” he said. “I know I would be lost. Most would, I think. That’s extremely commendable, Lady Navarone.” He finally stopped at a door. “Here we are, my lady. This is her workshop. She should be within. Now, I’m afraid I must return to my duties.” He bowed and buggered off, leaving me feeling kinda awkward.

Twilight didn’t feel that way, though. She opened the door with no further hesitation and used magic to rudely shove me inside. Unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever) for us, we got a full view of catbird pussy the instant we stepped in. Gilda had her upper body shoved down into a large machine. Her ass was dangling over the edge of the casing and twitching around as she worked.

I only got to appreciate the view for a few seconds before Twilight kicked me. “What was that about respecting King Bloodbeak?” she whispered.

When she spoke up, Gilda started flailing around before falling into the case completely. My eyes widened and I rushed forward to try to help, but her head popped right back out. She definitely looked surprised to see us. The oil on her cheeks just compounded her look of complete confusion. “Nav?”

“Yeah. Are you alright?”

“Uh…. Of course.” She finally pulled herself out of the machine, but one of her legs got caught on something and she ended up face planting. I tried to step closer to help her up, but she was back on her feet before I could move. “I just wasn’t expecting you!” Right, skip over the face plant.

“The guards told me the opposite. And you did invite me to come by.” Of course, she probably didn’t actually mean that. After all, who would really want me around? She was probably just trying to be polite. God dammit, now I’ve made things awkward.

Much to my surprise, she actually blushed. “W-well… I didn’t actually expect you to come! I was hoping, but I thought you didn’t really like me…”

“You have your moments,” I said with a grin. “If now’s a bad time, we can come back later.”

“Now’s fine! I was just uh…” She looked back at the machine for a moment before sighing. Her eyes moved back and me and she continued, “I need to take a break anyway.”

“This place is amazing, Princess!” Twilight said from across the room. It appeared that she had been perusing Gilda’s experiments. “I’ve never seen a workshop like this!”

“That’s because there hasn’t been one like this in a long time,” Gilda replied. “With Nav’s help, I’ve managed to reinvent dozens of technologies that were lost long ago.”

I looked around the room and nodded at something that looked familiar. “Is that a radio?”

“That it is,” Gilda said, walking over to it. “The other end is over next to Twilight.” She flipped a switch on the side and both of them powered on. She grabbed the mic and held down a button. “Hello.”

Twilight jumped when the sound came out the receiver on her end. “That’s… that’s just like your walkie-talkies!”

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “Mine are a lot smaller and more portable, but it’s the same basic concept.”

“I’ve been working on making them smaller,” Gilda replied. “This is just an early prototype.”

“That’s incredible,” Twilight said. “I never thought we could make something like that with our current technology levels! We just use magic!”

“Do you remember when I said that magic stifles technology?” I asked. “Having an instant ‘I win’ switch built into your forehead means you don’t need to really think about how to solve something. You can just complacently use magic to do it.”

“I admit that I was wrong about a lot of things, Nav, and I apologize. I’m beginning to truly understand what you mean. Hearing you talk about it for some reason makes it seem so… abstract. But seeing these things here… This could have been my workshop, if I had just listened to you.”

“If is such a boring word,” Gilda said, waving a talon. “Life is interesting enough not to need it. If you want a workshop like this, get to work. I could use a little competition. Without it, we’ll leave you ponies so far behind you’ll be begging for our scraps.”

“You gotta keep an eye out for the changelings, though,” I said. “Moonbeam gave me an airship recently that had a lot of magitech in it. They’re combining both with some very interesting results.”

“Tch, those bugs will never match us!” I just shrugged.

“What’s your most popular invention?” Twilight asked.

“Believe it or not, a cotton gin,” she said. “We don’t have much cropland here, so we need to maximize the gains out of what we do have. We also need to be able to process what we grow more quickly and efficiently. Combined with my new sewing machines, we’ve been able to make a lot more clothing to keep ourselves warmer in the frigid environments. Our coats and feathers only do so much.”

“Huh.”

Gilda sighed and walked over to another experiment, something that looked like a microscope. “The truth is, many of my inventions have either gone almost completely ignored or faced immense resistance. Many griffins are extremely traditional. Most don’t think it’s appropriate for any griffin, let alone a princess, to tinker. They certainly don’t like strange new inventions, no matter how much better they make their lives.”

“I… believe the ponies would have similar reactions,” Twilight quietly said.

“That’s one reason I never let Filthy Rich tell anyone where my inventions came from,” I said.

“Everything you gave him were quality of life upgrades,” Twilight said. “Like pens. In a few cases, they were games like chess. None of those were really revolutionary.”

“Well, the radio is revolutionary,” Gilda said. “But none of them seem to care! It’s something new, so it must be bad.”

“I told you that you might have to drag them, kicking and screaming, into the future,” I said. “If it’s any consolation, I think you’re doing an amazing job. I knew you were smart from our lessons, but the fact that you were able to do so much so quickly is just impressive. You’re a genius, Gilda. If you ever get bored of the princess lifestyle, you’re welcome to slum it up with me in Canterlot. I can put you in touch with people who will appreciate your talents.”

She had the barest hint of a grin on her face, but she was also sporting a fairly impressive blush. “Thank you, Navarone. It’s a tempting offer, but I doubt my father would approve. Besides, I can’t abandon my life as a princess. It’s my duty to drag them into the future, whether they like it or not. Whether I like it or not…”

“See, that duty bullshit is why I never wanted power,” I said. “It brings responsibility, which means you have less time to devote to what you want to do.”

“Being a princess means I represent something more than myself, Navarone,” Gilda said. “I am more than my own wants and desires. I care for my subjects.”

“Sounds shitty. But then, I’m a selfish asshole at heart, so whatever.”

“No you’re not,” Twilight immediately replied. “And I’m telling Doppel you said that.” God dammit.

“If you were selfish, you wouldn’t have given me so much knowledge so freely,” Gilda said.

“Yeah, well, I’m also a liar.” Gilda and Twilight shared a very knowing look. “Whatever. The point is, if you always think about other people and never take even a moment to think about yourself, you might end up just like Celestia.”

“There is merit in your words,” Gilda slowly said. “I doubt I would live long enough to become as corrupted as she is, but I never want to take the chance.”

“Good. I feel like this is an appropriate time to remind you that there’s a festival going on. You wanna get out of this grimy place and go check it out?”

“What do you mean, grimy?” Twilight asked. “This is a surprisingly neat workshop.”

“Twilight, she has oil smeared on her face.” Gilda’s eyes widened and her blush came back as she rubbed at her cheek. “There’s a little grime. But I will admit, for a workshop like this, there’s not much.”

“Not all of us like working in a pig stye, Nav,” Twiley said with a grin.

“Hey, you told me that workshop was mine to do with as I pleased. Yet all you ever did was complain about it.”

“You were making weapons! You left incredibly dangerous materials just lying around! You know how Pinkie and Spike are, Nav. Someone could have been hurt!”

Gilda snorted. “That sounds like it would be a very important lesson. When one is unsure about something, they should not fiddle with it.”

“Thank you!” I said. “She gets me, Twilight.”

“So you’d rather let your friend get hurt than take simple precautions?”

“Maybe they should take simple precautions. I had a sign on the door for a reason.”

“That sign said ‘Nav’s Secret Candy Stash - Keep Out’.”

“...I also made some rock candy.” Twilight just shook her head in disappointment.

“I was not aware you made inventions of your own, Navarone,” Gilda said. “What manners of things did you construct?”

“Like she said, mostly weapons. My favorite was the chlorine gas bomb. It held two different types of chemicals separated by a thin glass layer. It had a trigger that would destroy the glass, releasing the chemicals, causing them to combine and turn into a toxic gas that melts the skin and organs of anyone it hits.”

“That’s horrific!” Twilight said.

“But fascinating!” Gilda purred, her eyes wide and tail wagging. “What were the chemicals?”

“I very distinctly remember that we agreed to no weapons. My second favorite were my flashbangs. When they were triggered, they released a blinding flash that temporarily blinded anyone who didn’t look away. They were great for disabling a room full of hostiles.”

“But not actually dangerous?” Gilda asked.

“Well that depends on who activates it,” Twilight said. “Nav, or an innocent little filly who was just exploring the library and saw a sign about candy!”

“Look, that only happened one time and I was in there anyway.”

“And how did that go?” she asked.

“I was… indecent.”

“Uh huh. And?”

“Well, since this was after Luna did her dream bullshit, it was super awkward. She looked at me with a filthy expression and asked what she’d have to do to get candy from me. So I unloaded all my rock candy on her, shoved her out the door, and then locked it.”

Twilight sighed and shook her head. “You’re unbelievable, Nav.”

“Thanks, Twilight. That means a lot.” She stuck her tongue out at me. Oh yeah, way to be an adult.

“You let your servants be strangely informal,” Gilda said. Oh boy, here it comes.

“...I’m her marefriend,” Twilight coldly said.

“Oh. That is surprising.”

“Surprising?” Twilight gasped. “What do you mean, surprising?!”

“You seem sensible. I can’t imagine why you’re with her.” Nice save, but hurtful.

Twilight’s anger almost immediately dissipated and she snorted. “I can understand the confusion. I ask myself the same thing all the time.”

Wow, rude. “Because I can do that thing with my fingers.”

“Yeah, the belly rubs are amazing,” Twilight sighed.

“...Belly rub?” Gilda asked.

“Yeah, everyone loves them,” I said. “I even made the other Gilda purr from one.”

“That sounds adorable!” Twilight said.

“Yeah, it was. Anyway, there’s a festival on. Do you wanna go enjoy it or what?”

“Well… there is a tradition I have yet to uphold this year.”

“What’s that?” Twilight asked.

Gilda sighed and said, “Every year, all the unwed royal children are used as prizes in a talon to talon combat challenge. The winner of the competition gets to have one date with the royal. At the moment, I am the only unwed royal child.”

“That seems like a strange tradition,” Twilight said. “I thought those of royal blood would be above dating commoners.”

“It dates back to the original festival,” Gilda said. “Back then, royal blood meant less and noble titles weren’t common. Royals were expected to mate with the strong to create strong offspring. Our rulers have always been the strongest of us, for they are expected to carry the nation itself on their backs.”

“So you wanna go on a date with a total stranger?” I asked.

“Absolutely not. Which is why I invited you. I would like you to enter the contest and win.”

“So you wanna go on a date with my marefriend?” Twilight slowly asked.

“I think I would prefer spending time with her to spending time with a muscle-headed imbecile.”

“And you actually think I can win?” I asked. “I mean, I’m tough, but I’m sure the griffins I’d be facing would be tougher.”

“I heard what you did to Hestra.”

“Who?” Twilight asked.

“He was the guy who sent an assassin after Cadance,” I said. Her eyes narrowed slightly. “I beat the shit out of him. It was very satisfying. But I was wearing my armor then.”

“Talons, weapons, and armor are all strictly prohibited,” Gilda said. “It is solely a brawling tournament. Given our hollow bones, I assumed you would stand on equal footing.”

“Would they even let me enter?”

“Of course,” Gilda said, waving a talon. “It’s only a date. There are always a few members of other races who compete.”

“Well… I don’t see any harm in it,” I said with a shrug. “If it’ll keep you from being uncomfortable with a creep, count me in. But I’m charging you one belly rub for my services.”

“You want me to give you a belly rub?” Gilda asked.

“No. I’m gonna give you one.”

Her face went bright red again. “That is a strange condition.”

“I’m a strange person.”

“You should go for it,” Twilight said. “Her belly rubs are the best!”

“Very well, I suppose,” Gilda finally said. “You shall be my champion and I shall let you rub my tummy should you win.”

“Baller. So when is this thing?”

“Whenever I demand it,” Gilda replied. “Since I am the only one being given away as a prize this year, I have been given permission to choose when to host it. I will have it set up immediately.”

Oh wow, I wasn’t expecting that. “This is gonna be fun,” Twilight said with a grin.

“It’s gonna be something,” I sighed. “I guess it’ll be good to warm my blood up a little.” And maybe my period can give me some extra rage.

“You might wanna think about cleaning up before you prop yourself up as a prize,” Twilight said. “If you want, Navi and I would be happy to help you dress up!”

“I ain’t gonna dress up my own potential date,” I said.

“I’ll get things in motion, then allow Twilight to assist me in cleaning up,” she said. “Nav may go with the organizers to be ready when the competition begins. We’ll meet her there.”

“Sounds good,” Twiggles replied. “Let’s do it!”

“Then I’ll go hunt down my dad’s guard hen.”

“...Guard hen?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes. “The old maid he assigned as my head servant. She’s there to make sure I act like a proper princess at all times. Part of her job is to try to find me the perfect husband.”

“I guess she’s not too good at it, is she?”

“She tries,” Gilda sighed. “Oh, how she tries. You should have heard the fit she threw when I didn’t participate in that stupid auction on the first day. I just bribed one of my brothers to do it for me.”

“So what’s she gonna think of Nav entering the contest?” Twilight asked.

“Who cares? She’s not the boss of me, no matter what she might think.”

Neither of us chose to comment on that. “So shall we?” I asked.

Gilda nodded and started walking to the door. Before she could get there, a very buff looking older griffin in a maid outfit stepped in the doorway, glaring directly at the princess. “What was that I just heard?” she coldly asked.

“Oh, Matilda…” Gilda awkwardly said, stopping to rub the back of her neck. “I was just going to look for you!”

“Uh huh. Luckily for you, I am always right where you need me. Good timing, too. You almost showed these commoners a dirty royal face!” She walked closer and pulled a handkerchief out of her dress and used it to rub at Gilda’s face. Given that it was black grease over feathers, it did basically nothing. “Tsk. Spend all day fooling over useless machines and this is what you get! A dirty face and a story for the newspapers when one of these two rats you out!”

Gilda smacked her talon away. “Nav would never do that! You would do well to mind your tone around my guests, Matilda. You may have special privileges now, but when my father dies, you’re going to be gone so quickly you won’t even have time to pack your bags!”

“Hmph. That’s what you think. But luckily for you, your oldest brother also happens to think it’s high time you were wed. I’m sure he’d be happy to keep me on the staff…”

Gilda turned bright red, probably from anger or humiliation at the treatment. “We’ll see about that! Ooh, now I’m glad I have something for you to do! Go tell the stupid advertisers of that stupid wrestling competition to start finding stupid griffins to compete.”

“For someone so intelligent, your vocabulary is very unfortunately lacking,” Matilda said. “You really must work on that, my lovely little princess. I’m sure any potential husbands would prefer their bride to be well-spoken.”

“Ugh, just take Nav and go!”

Matilda took a step back and curtsied. “As you command, Princess.” She looked at me very dismissively and snorted. “Well then, come along.”

“I’ll see you later, Twiley,” I said with a boop on her nose.

“Have fun,” she sweetly replied.

Matilda rolled her eyes and finally started walking out. I followed behind, though I honestly didn’t really want to be alone with her. Once we were a few halls away from Gilda’s room, Matilda said, “You are going to throw the competition.”

“Make me.”

She stopped and turned to stare me down. “You don’t want that.”

I held both of my arms out to the sides and waved her in. “I want you to try.”

I gotta say, I was not expecting her to launch herself at me. My reflexes held true and I dodged it and spun to face her. She tried kicking me with the claws on her back feet, but I grabbed her legs and jumped back. Her body hit the ground hard.

That gave me a moment to really think, which is when I remembered that their bones are hollow. They’re still heavy, but light enough to really fuck them up. I grinned and got a better grip on both of her legs. She was starting to struggle, but I stopped that by beginning to spin. Getting started was difficult, but once I had her going, it was easy to keep it up. When I had enough momentum, I let her go and she slung into a wall with a squawk.

She might have wanted to get up, but my foot on her neck kinda put a damper on that. She glared up at me with hate in her eyes. “So are we done here?” I asked. She tried prying my shoe off with her talons, but stopped when my foot pressed down harder. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. You got two options here. Option one, I stomp right through your neck and kick your head down the halls like a soccer ball. Option two, you continue leading me to the organizers. So what’s it gonna be?”

Thankfully, she chose option two. I was never any good at soccer and would hate to make a fool of myself in front of the guards. We continued our journey in silence.

“That was an example of poor conflict resolution skills,” Aqua said. “There was no reason for that to devolve into a fight.”

I know, she needs to work on her people skills. Can you believe she actually attacked me?

“Because you goaded her into it, instead of acting like a normal, rational person and just asking why she wanted you to throw the contest.”

I don’t care why. It wouldn’t change my answer. I knew she would push the point, so I decided to take a shortcut.

“A shortcut that involved harming a poor old woman.”

Yeah. I’d say it worked out pretty well. And it was a lot faster than the conversation would have been, too.

“This is exactly why you need my guidance. I was hoping to use this example to illustrate that, but it seems that you are as impervious to logic as ever. Don’t expect to get away with something like this so easily next time.”

Bite me. In response, she made me feel like something was nibbling on my ear. It sucked.

Once we got out of the palace and started walking the streets, Matilda finally turned her hateful eyes back to me. “I would… like you to throw the competition.”

“Too bad.”

She clucked her beak and sighed. “King Bloodbeak would like you to throw the competition.”

“So?”

“...So? So?! He’s your king!”

“I didn’t vote for him.”

She actually stopped walking so she could face me for that one. “You didn’t… What? Of course you didn’t vote for him! You don’t vote for kings! And you’re not even a griffin!”

“Then he’s not my king, is he?”

Her beak snapped shut with a click. Finally, she coldly said, “You are going to lose this competition, one way or another.”

“Maybe, but I’m not gonna throw it for you.”

“Tch. What’s in it for you, anyway? You already had your chance to date the princess!”

“She asked me to win it.”

“And the king is ordering you to lose it!”

Sounds to me like you’re the one ordering it, but whatever. “She didn’t ask me as a princess. She asked me as a friend. Friend trumps king any day.”

“Hmph. You’re just as bad as the ponies. Friendship this and friendship that, but never anything about duty or sacrifice! I’m looking forward to watching you get broken in half at the competition.”

“Yeah, it’s gonna be fun.”

“Now would be a good time to ask,” Aqua said. “Maybe if you find out why she wants you to throw the contest, you can find some middle ground.”

Why? Fuck this bitch. There’s no reason I would ever want to find middle ground with her.

“Wow. You are… the worst, Nav. You really are just the absolute worst. I’m sure Celestia is so happy I decided to claim you, too. I used to have nothing to do but micromanage her all day, but now I get to spend time with you instead!”

You’re sadistic.

“Oh, I know you think it’s unfair now, but when you start loving me, you’ll realize that this was just the beginning of growth. Your growing pains, if you will. Once you learn your place, you’ll look back on this time and feel ashamed that you ever doubted or fought me.”

Man, every time I start to think I could never like you less, you open your mouth and I descend into new levels of hatred I never thought possible.

“You’re so cute when you’re emo,” she replied, pinching my cheek.

Will you please just kill me?

“And deny you my love? I could never do that! “

How the hell did Twilight last so long with you in her head? It hasn’t even been a week and I’m just about ready to beg you to shut up for five fucking minutes.

“Twilight enjoyed our talks. She also returned my love, until you poisoned her mind against me.”

You did that by being a cuntmuffin. All I did was help her realize it.

“Well, I like to think I traded up, so to say. I know I’m definitely enjoying your company a lot more than I did hers!”

When I find a way to kill you, I’m gonna ask Celestia to wipe all my memories of you.

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that. If you ever find a way to kill me, you’ll follow me very quickly. Celestia’s decided she’s done with you and will immediately dispose of you once I’m out of the way.”

Uh huh. Sure. Totally. And you’re definitely not just telling me that as a way to keep me from trying to find a way out.

“You may believe whatever you want, Nav. I’m very confident you’ll find no way to escape my loving clutches, so I don’t see any reason to lie to you. You are mine forever, whether you like it now or not. Soon you’ll come to accept it and then you’ll come to love it.”

I decided to stop feeding her delusions. Honestly, they were starting to creep me out.

Also, we were approaching what I’m assuming was the wrestling area. I was only assuming that because of the huge Thunderdome set up in the middle of the square, so I might have been wrong.

I wasn’t, of course. Matilda marched right up to the two bored looking griffins playing cards at the the table next to the metal dome. The two griffins barely spared us a glance when we stopped. “Princess Gilda is finally ready,” Matilda said. “So get to work!”

“About time,” one of them said, tossing his cards on the table. “How much time is she giving us this year?”

“Not much, so you’ll need to hurry,” she replied. “Just do like we prepared and we can get a large enough group of competitors.”

“Are we gonna be competing in this thing?” I asked, looking at the dome.

“What do you mean, we?” the other guy asked.

“I’m competing, so I’m included in that we,” I said.

They both turned their heads toward the maid, who sighed in disgust. “The princess insisted upon it. But hero or not, she won’t be a problem. Now go!” They both spread their wings and shot into the sky. Matilda glanced at me for a moment, huffed, and then walked away without another word.

“Nice to meet you!” I happily called as she left. She didn’t reply, unsurprisingly.

See where being polite gets you?

“Perhaps if you had tried it from the start, she wouldn’t be plotting ways of handling you right now.”

Eh, I’ll be fine. Things always tend to go my way in the end. I sat at the table and started shuffling the cards. If I had a true special talent, it would probably be luck. It’s shitty at times, but it always pulls through.

“Luck is a myth. The fact that you’ve scraped by so far is just a fluke. Now that you have me by your side, you won’t be needing superstitious myths anymore. Whenever you’d feel the need to thank your luck, just thank your loving elemental Aqua instead.”

Conceited much? She didn’t bother replying, since I already knew the answer.

The wait for someone else to arrive wasn’t a long one. Shortly after I got bored of solitaire, two royal guards landed next to the table. “Ah, Lady Navarone?” one said.

“Yep, that’s me,” I replied.

“Princess Gilda asked us to keep an eye on you.”

“Did she say why?”

“Oh, nothing serious,” the other one said, waving a talon dismissively. “She’s just being paranoid again. She has all kinds of flights of fancy, sometimes.”

“She just thinks Matilda might do something strange. I don’t know why, though; that hen’s been working with the king for ages!”

“Huh. Strange like what?” I asked.

“Eh, Gilda mentioned something about her being deranged and delusional. She thought Matilda would try to rig the festival!” They both chirped cute little laughs like it was a great joke.

“Funny you should mention that, actually,” I replied, going back to shuffling the cards. “On the way over here, Matilda told me, point blank and very sternly, that I was going to throw the competition.”

Their smiles disappeared very quickly. “Be very careful, human,” one coldly said. “You are accusing a loyal subject of something extremely serious.”

“And when I told her I wouldn’t do it, she attacked me.” Their expressions turned grim. “I put her on the ground and told her that she could either stop or die. She decided to stop attacking me and we continued into the city.”

“That is… extreme.”

“While we were walking here, she asked me to throw the competition. Then she tried using King Bloodbeak’s authority to make me throw it. When I told her no both times, she warned me very seriously that I would lose, one way or another. When we got here, she spoke to the two gentlemen here, who seemed to be in on her plan. They all left after she told the other two that she would handle me.”

“That does not paint a very pleasant picture, Navarone.”

“Yeah, I bet. Say, did you guys ever catch all the assassins who were after the princess?” Their eyes shot wide open. “Because I was thinking… A competition like this would be a pretty good way to get close to her…”

They both immediately looked at each other. “Warn the captain immediately, then find the princess,” one ordered.

“Gilda is safe,” I said. “She’s with Twilight. Warn her, but focus on finding Matilda.”

“Go!” The guard he was yelling at immediately flew off back to the palace. The guard himself looked back at me. “Give me more details.”

Aqua, time to be useful. You mind giving him a play-by-play?

“Certainly, Navi!” she said with a giggle. For the first time ever (and trust me when I say that it felt disgusting), I let Aqua take control of my mouth and she started telling him everything.

Ugh, I feel like I need a shower…

“Then let me shower you with my love, Navi!” she cooed.

You are so creepy. Are you trying for that, or are you just really a complete psycho?

“Well… Not that it’s any of your business… but I was imprisoned under Discord’s corrupted crystals for a long time. It maaay be possible that they tweaked with me a little. You know, just a secret between you and me…”

Oh. Yeah, I can see that. Man, that explains a lot.

“Well now that we’re going to be together forever, we can share all sorts of secrets with each other!” She giggled again. “Or at least, I can. I already know all of yours, Navi!”

I’ve never been so thankful for small talk. Aqua finally had to stop tormenting me when her retelling was done and I could take over again. The first thing I noticed is that the guard looked extremely disturbed and concerned.

“You threatened to stomp her head off and kick it down the hall?”

“Like a soccer ball, yeah. I’m glad she didn’t make me do it. I’m really bad at soccer and didn’t want to embarrass myself.” See? I can be honest!

“I’m so proud of you, Navi,” Aqua sighed.

“I have to say that I’m impressed with human ingenuity,” the guard finally said. “I never would have considered handling it like that, but it was the perfect response. By threatening her, you put her off guard and in a position of vulnerability, where she was forced to reveal her plot. You also showed her that you aren’t to be messed with, so she wouldn’t try a direct attack.”

“I know, I’m a genius.” Aqua snorted.

“So why did she want you to throw the contest?”

“I dunno, it didn’t come up.” Aqua snorted even louder.

“Hm… We’ll need to find her as quickly as possible.”

“You could go start looking.”

“And leave you undefended? No, my lady. You could be in danger!”

Bitch, I am the danger. I knew convincing him would be impossible, though, so I just leaned back. “Fine, whatever.” I went back to shuffling the cards. “You know any games?”

“I think we should stay alert, my lady.”

“Looking like we’re alert means they’ll be wary. Looking like we’re distracted but actually being alert means that when they strike, we’ll be ready.”

“...Huh.”

“I’m actually kinda good at this sorta thing. Pull up that chair. I’ll deal.” After a few seconds of internal conflict, he did so and I started slinging cards. So, you thinking assassination attempt?

“No. I’m thinking that poor old woman wants her charge to find the perfect husband and this is the only chance a year she gets to force her to date. You’re trying to take that from her, so she’s acting out.”

I’m thinking assassination attempt, myself. This is gonna be exciting!

“You have problems.”

Like you’re perfect, miss corrupted slave master. That shut her up real quick.

One of the two organizers came back quickly. He took one look at us and stood well to the side. As competitors started appearing, he got them organized and whatnot. When there was a pretty good crowd of us, people started realizing what was going on and began crowding up around the dome. That brought in even more people who wanted to fight for the right to date the princess.

After about maybe half an hour, Gilda herself walked up surrounded by a full ten royal guards. She and Twilight had been busy, given that the princess was now all dolled up and looking cuter than usual. Gilda ignored the growing crowd and walked over to me. “What happened?” she immediately asked. I gave her the skinny and she nodded when I was finished. “So I was right. But that doesn’t explain the guards.”

“Remember those assassins? This might be a good chance to sneak someone close to you.”

“Tch, figures. Very well. So what’s our plan?”

“I say we just roll with it and handle it as it happens.”

“That’s dumb,” she immediately replied. “We’re cheating. Twilight, use magic to make Navarone incredibly tough. Then she’ll win and it won’t be an issue.”

Twilight looked to me for guidance. I shrugged and said, “Works for me. Just don’t make it obvious, Twiley.”

“In hand to talon combat, it’ll probably be very obvious. But no one really knows what humans are capable of, so you can play it off. Anyway, hold still.”

Before she could begin, one of the guards stepped forward and cleared his beak. “Princess, this is very dishonorable. This competition dates back to the founding of our country! You shouldn’t soil it so casually!”

“There could be assassins in that crowd. Do you think I do this casually? I consider my life more important than some old traditions.” That and she really doesn’t want to be here to begin with.

“Besides, this’ll give me the chance to Hulk out on some unsuspecting griffins,” I said. “It’s gonna be great!”

“Right?” Twilight said. “Now let’s get you ready!” She bent in and her horn lit up. After all her training with my guards, she had plenty of buff spells to cast on me. “Be careful, Nav. Until you get used to it, you might actually hurt your opponents.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle. So how does this competition work, anyway?” I asked. “Is it one on one?”

“Some matches are,” Gilda said. “Some matches are team-based. The roster is built up at random.”

“Could it be rigged?” I asked.

“It’s usually set up by the coordinators,” Gilda replied with a shrug. “I’ve never cared enough to learn the details.”

“So if, say, Matilda found a way to rig it, she could have me fighting the toughest of the tough?”

“It’s a good thing we’re cheating,” Gilda said. “I trust you can handle yourself in a fight?”

“I guess we’ll see,” I said with a grin.

“After Africa, I think I can safely say that you’ll be fine,” Twilight said. “Applejack’s description of what happened was… horrific.”

“I had my sword with me, then. And my armor. And a bunch of friends. It’s just gonna be me and my bare hands in the Thunderdome here.”

“...The what?” Twilight asked.

“We’re watching Mad Max when we get home. When is this thing due to start?”

“We still have time,” Gilda said.

“Then why don’t you track down Matilda and put an end to her dastardly plot?”

“Why? You’re gonna win the competition, aren’t you?”

“I mean… yeah, but what if she’s planning something dangerous? Don’t you think you should find her?”

“Tch, why? My dad probably did order her to find the perfect griffin to win. That’s absolutely something he’d do. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s looking to him for new orders now.”

“Oh. Well, then I guess I’ll just kick some ass.” Of course, if there are assassins in the competition, I’ll need to be very careful. “Anyway, would you be offended if I told you that you looked cute?” I was not expecting her to turn bright red when I said that. “Alright, just checking. I won’t tell you.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Twilight said, using a hoof to fluff out her mane.

“Well I know you don’t, silly! But Gilda doesn’t want my moist human vag, so I didn’t know how she felt. Now that I know it makes her mad, I won’t say it.”

Gilda started to say something, but she was rudely cut off by one of the guys in charge of the competition, who started yelling. “We’ll be starting in five minutes! Anyone who isn’t signed up by the time we start will not be competing!”

“Did you actually sign up?” Twilight asked me.

“Nope. I’ll go do that right now.” I dipped off, walking over to the advertiser guy. He glared at me, but didn’t stop me from putting my name on the list. “I’m onto you, buster,” I said with a wink.

“...How did you know my name?” what was apparently Buster asked. He actually sounded nervous.

“I know a lot of things. We’ll be watching you, Buster.” He nervously gulped and I walked back over to Gilda and Twilight. “I just accidentally scared the shit out of that guy.”

“What did you do?” Twilight asked.

“I guessed his name. He thought I knew everything and freaked out a little.”

“...How did you guess his name?” Twilight asked.

“Pure luck. Apparently it’s Buster.”

“Huh. Anyway, Princess, I’ve been wondering… Why do you want Nav to win so badly?”

“Because I know she is not interested in marriage,” Gilda said. “Most of the griffins here are interested in marrying into the royal family. They don’t care about me, they just care about what I represent. I do not want to be treated like a piece of meat.”

“Still, it’s only a single date,” Twilight said. “It’s not like you’re also going to be forced to marry them. Honestly, it might be good for you to get out of your comfort zone a little.”

“Oh? Would you care to be used as a prize for the strongest brute, then? Because I’m sure the organizers would like having a consolation prize for the first place loser.”

“W-well… No.”

“Do you have any more questions, then?” Gilda coldly asked. Twilight’s ears dropped and she shook her head. Why’s everyone gotta be so mean to Twilight? Sure it’s funny, but she’s just trying her best!

“Besides, if Twilight was the prize for second place, I might not want to win,” I said, tousling my mare’s mane. Gilda snorted in disgust, but Twilight sighed in delight and leaned into my hand.

For some reason, that made Gilda’s face turn red again and it looked like she was about to say something. Before she had a chance, someone started pounding on a huge drum that they had apparently placed on the top of the dome while I wasn’t looking. It got the attention of everyone in the crowd and we all turned that way.

I was not expecting what was there, that’s for sure. Apparently there are different breeds of griffins. This one was part parrot and had incredibly colorful plumage and a huge feathery mohawk. How the fuck have I never seen a griffin like this before? God damn, he looks so cuddly!

When the drummer finally stopped, the parrot dude reared back and screeched at the top of his avian lungs. It was unpleasantly loud. Once it was over, he started yelling so everyone in the crowd could hear us. “Welcome to another edition of the DOOOOOOME!” The crowd went fucking wild and this dude seemed to love it. He started bouncing around the top of the cage, rearing up and throwing his talons in the air to generate more applause.

“What a drama queen,” Gilda muttered. I could barely hear her over the crowd, but she sounded disgusted.

Once the guy got tired of the attention, he calmed down a little and started yelling again. “Every year, we all meet here to prove who the toughest of us is. Every year, the strongest of us all has a chance to become royalty. We’ve kept this tradition going every year since our country was founded. And why is that, my pretties?”

The crowd actually started chanting, “Might makes right!” over and over.

The announcer let that go on for several iterations before suddenly lifted a talon, making everyone stop. “MIGHT MAKES RIGHT, ladies and gentlemen! That is the rule we taught the ponies when we threw them out of our nation. That is the rule we taught them when they tried taking us over again and again. That is the rule we have lived by since the dawn of our species and that is the rule we will live by until the last of us draws our breath!” The crowd went wild again.

Sounds kinda… regressive.

“Gilda was complaining about it for a reason,” Aqua replied. As it so happens, the princess was staring at the announcer with anger in her eyes. I wanted to reach over there and rub her back, but I didn’t want the guards to freak out and I didn’t want her to get mad at me, so I kept my hands to myself.

Well, until Aqua forced one of my hands over there, anyway. Gilda flinched in shock, but let me rub her back without saying a word. Are you really sure we should be petting the princess in front of a crowd of horny subjects who are trying to score a date with her?

“Showing ownership is important to the griffins when trying to hold a mate. You are going to win the competition and you know you’re going to win it, so it’s only fair that you show you own her.”

But… I don’t. I don’t want her and she most definitely doesn’t want me.

“Your ignorance is amusing.”

I wondered what she was talking about, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of asking. There also wasn’t much time for pondering, because the announcer dude continued his yelling. “We most definitely have a treat for you this year, my friends! The beautiful Princess Gilda herself is back again this year as your prize! The strongest of the strong will get one chance to win her heart forever and become royalty. Now who’s ready to crack some beaks?!”

Horny griffins sure do like their rowdiness. The crowd fucking exploded and several griffins shot into the air to do silly looking loops. Gilda watched the display with poorly concealed rage and finally gently pressed her body against my leg as I continued lightly petting her. Man, she really doesn’t like this, does she?

“Why do you think she was desperate enough to ask you to win it?” Aqua asked. “If the thought of dating you is somehow better than the thought of dating one of those idiots, she must really hate it.”

I thought you were supposed to be improving my self-esteem, not belittling me and picking at all my insecurities.

“I’m using your own insecurities against you, Navi. You hate me and view everything I say with the utmost contempt, so when I say what you’re really thinking, you have to admit it’s wrong or else I win. That way, you defeat yourself!”

No, I’m defeating you and your bullshit lies. They’re true when I think them, but they become lies when you say them.

“Wow. That level of delusion is impressive.”

Thanks, I try.

“Of course, I see right through it. I know you’re really trying to thank me in your own cute little way. So you’re welcome, my precious little cherry blossom!”

...Cherry blossom?

“You know, because of the tree thing? You don’t like it?”

I really, really don’t like it.

“Good, then I know what to call you when you’re being extra annoying.”

This is where honesty gets me, I swear.

Now that the crowd was out for blood, two of the coordinators lifted a huge wooden sign that was covered in rusty nails. There were several names on both sides of the signs, so I was assuming it was the bracket. I saw mine on the top right of the sign.

“For our first match, Lady Navarone of Equestria will be fighting Sir Deathnail!”

Deathnail? That’s a fucking badass name!

Before I could start walking to the entrance of the dome, Gilda grabbed me and pulled me in close. “Be wary, Navarone. Deathnail is a veteran royal guard. He’s served my father for ages and has been in numerous campaigns.”

“So yeah, are you sure Matilda couldn’t rig the competition?”

“Good luck,” she said with a grin, letting me go.

Deathnail was waiting for me at the entrance to the dome. His eyes had a very uncomfortable fierceness. “Greetings, Lady Navarone,” he called out as I approached.

“Howdy, Sir Deathnail,” I said. “I gotta say, I love your name.”

“Thank you, my lady. I got it for my birthday.”

I grinned and yanked the gate open. “Shall we beat the shit out of each other, then?”

“With pleasure.” Since I was holding the door open, he let himself in first. I followed behind and let the gate crash down behind us. We both walked to the center of the ring, where we kinda just stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. “Oh, by the way, I had a message for you. The source wanted to remain anonymous, though.”

“Was it Matilda?”

“I see you don’t understand what the word anonymous means. He or she does not wish to be named. The message is a simple one, at least: No hard feelings, but this could only ever end one way.”

“Is that way gonna be with me on the top?”

“I’m afraid not, my lady. But if it’s any consolation, after the competition, I’d be happy to find a room with you. You can be on the top all you want.”

“Sorry, I’ll be busy with your princess.”

While we were trash talking, the announcer dude was riling up the crowd for the first big fight. Apparently the hero of Equestria fighting the hero of Gryphus was a pretty big event or something.

Finally, the round started. Deathnail immediately pounced at me and the crowd went wild. I grinned and caught him by the throat. Twilight’s magic coursed through my veins as I lifted his struggling form into the air.

“You’re right, this is going to end one way.” I slammed him into the dirt. “With you on the ground!” While I was still holding his throat, I balled my other hand and slammed it into his face, cracking his beak. Before I could continue pummeling him, his back legs kicked me back.

“Not too shabby, human,” he said, jumping to his feet. The blood dripping from his beak didn’t seem to bother him.

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing. I don’t suppose you’re ready to give up, hm?”

“Not by a longshot!” He rushed in again and tried grappling me. I wanted more of a judge of how strong I was at the moment, so I grabbed his talons with my hands and locked my feet in place. I didn’t even budge as he strained to move me.

“That’s too bad,” I said. “I hate to put one of the king’s good men out of commission for a while.” He wasn’t expecting a kick to the chest that threw him back a meter. I casually walked forward as he struggled to his feet. As soon as he was standing again, I kicked him right back down.

Instead of trying to stand, he spun and grabbed my feet, yanking them out from under me. I hit the dirt and he got right on top of me, trying to hold my lower body down with his. “You know, I think I prefer being on top,” he said with a smirk. He pulled one of his fists back and punched me dead in the face.

I didn’t feel a thing and didn’t even flinch. Shock replaced rage on his face as I grabbed his shoulders and spun us around so that I was on top. Since I was holding both of his shoulders down with my hands and keeping his lower body in place with mine, he was helpless. That didn’t stop him from trying to struggle, but he didn’t get anywhere.

After holding him down for ten seconds, I realized that no one was counting down. I looked up to the announcer to see that he was looking at me expectantly. I looked back to Deathnail, who was glaring up at me and still struggling. “This is kinda awkward,” I said. “I don’t actually know the rules. Do I need to knock you out or…?”

He spit some blood out to the side and said, “Rounds end in two ways. One, your opponent is incapable of resisting. Two, they surrender. And I will never surrender!”

“Oh. Man, I really should have asked about that before this began. My bad.” I grabbed him by the throat again and hopped to my feet, dragging him with me. He tried struggling, but I kept him at my full arm’s length so he couldn’t punch me. Since he couldn’t use the pointy parts of his talons, he couldn’t do anything as I walked over to the metal dome. “You surrender yet?” I asked when we were standing next to the wall.

“N-never,” he hissed around my hand crushing his windpipe.

“Alright, I’m only asking because I’m about to start banging your body against this metal cage until you either die, pass out, or give up. I don’t really want to actually hurt you, but that won’t stop me.”

“Bite me!”

“Is that allowed? Actually, no, never mind, my teeth aren’t strong enough anyway. Fuck it.” I slammed him against the metal until he stopped moving, then dropped him. He hit the dirt and was very still.

A few seconds later, the crowd went wild and the gate opened. Two paramedic griffins rushed in and checked his vitals as the announcer started screaming about me being the winner of round one. I gotta say, hearing all the applause for me was nice and I may have soaked it up a little before leaving the ring and walking back over to Gilda and my current main squeeze.

“That was impressive,” Gilda said when I rejoined them.

“Yeah, I can’t believe he lasted as long as he did,” I said. “I’m pretty sure that opening move broke some bones.”

“Deathnail is incredibly tough,” Gilda replied. “I won’t waste time listing his exploits, but they are many.”

“Well, he can add getting his ass whooped by the lady of nature,” I said.

“Indeed he can,” Gilda said with a smirk.

“You didn’t get hurt, did you?” Twiley asked.

“Nah. The dude punched me in the face, but it didn’t hurt at all. You need to keep these spells handy.”

“Hoofy.”

“I know what I said, Twiggles,” I said, gently booping her on the nose. She squeed, because all she really wanted was the attention.

“Twiggles?” Gilda asked.

“Yep,” I replied with a nod.

Gilda’s eyes moved down to Twilight and she slowly said, “...Twiggles?”

“Yep,” Twiggles replied with a nod.

“Huh.” Gilda’s eyes moved back to me. “So who am I?”

“...Princess Gilda?” I slowly said.

“What? Why don’t I get a nickname?!”

“Because you seem like the kind of person who, if given a nickname, would get incredibly offended and refuse to ever answer to it.” Although she was kinda looking pretty offended now, so it was kinda damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

“That’s true,” one of the guards said. “The maids used to call her Gildy and she hated it.”

“You will speak when spoken to,” Gilda hissed, glaring at him. His beak clamped shut, of course. “Navarone is not a maid. She has the right to give me a nickname. They overstepped their boundaries!”

“And not everyone needs one,” I said with a shrug. “Gilda suits you just fine.”

“And Twilight doesn’t suit me?” Twilight asked.

“It usually does. But sometimes, Twiley is better. Other times, Twiggles fits more.”

“But I’m always just Gilda?” the princess asked.

“No, sometimes you’re Princess Gilda. Other times, you’re just Gilda. It really depends on how many of your guards are around and how angry they look.”

“I see,” she coldly replied. “Then why does she get one?”

“Well, I call her Twilight when she’s teleporting away from dragons and leaving me behind.”

“Hey, I apologized for that!”

“I call her Twiley when she’s being her normal cute little self.”

“Hey, that’s when I call you Navi!”

“And I call her Twiggles when I just wanna cuddle up close with her fuzzy little face. But I don’t, because that would be weird and gay.”

“Next time you call me that, I’m taking it as permission to nuzzle you.”

“Noted.” I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

“And I am never cute?” Gilda asked.

My smile dropped. “Um. Have you… been trying to be cute?

She sighed and hung her head. “Forget it.”

“You see, now I’m pretty confused,” I said, crossing my arms. “You seemed pretty clear that you didn’t want me to think of you that way.”

“No, you seemed clear about it,” she shot back. “And it seems your mind is still decided.”

“...Wait.” Before I could continue, the announcer called my name up again. My head shot that way, because it hadn’t felt like there had been nearly enough time to go through the rest of the rounds. Sure enough, though, he was waving me forward and the crowd was cheering once more. “We’re gonna talk when I get back,” I said as I walked away. She didn’t reply.

On my way back up to the cage, the announcer guy called the other name: “Rin Tin Tin.”

Why is that familiar?

“He’s a famous human dog,” Aqua replied. “He was a movie star.”

Sure enough, a huge german shepherd was walking to the gate as well. He met me there. “Lady Navarone, it’s nice to meet you,” he said, holding a paw out. I met it with my hand and he actually pulled me in for a surprise hug. “I’ve been looking forward to trying my skill against yours!” He pushed me back with a grin. “You’re famous in the mercenary world. There are stories about you from the naga clans in the west and the cats in the east! This will be a fun test of my skills.”

“Always nice to meet a fan,” I replied with a grin. “Say, strange question. Do you have two male dog friends nearby?”

“Indeed I do, my lady,” he said. “Why do you ask? Do you need our assistance?”

“Sorta. I lost a weird bet and need to have sex with three diamond dogs at once.”

“So the stories really are true! It is said that you are a skilled lover, my lady.”

“Wanna find out first hand some day?”

He grinned and pulled my hand back in to kiss it. “I would be delighted to mate with you. And I’m sure I could rope two friends into it, too.”

“If not, I’m still down,” I said with a wink.

“Then later, we will make love. But now, we fight. Shall we, my mercenary queen?”

“I think I like you. Let’s do this.” He pulled the gate open for me with a bow and I walked in with a grin. I’m almost going to regret beating the shit out of him.

Once we both got to the center of the ring, we squared off and began slowly circling. “For what it’s worth, this is entirely business,” he said. “I truly don’t want to harm you.”

“Favor for a friend, on my end,” I replied.

“Then I wish you luck, Navarone. You might need it.”

The round started and he finally launched himself at me. As we traded blows, Aqua giggled and asked, “You remember when we all told you that Flo was a bad choice for you, Navi?”

Yeah, I shouldn’t have listened. At least she respected who I was. You just want to kill everything I am and replace it with what you think is better.

“Well don’t worry, Nav. You’ll think it’s better soon, too. In fact, I think we should start now. So do you know why we said that Flo was a bad fit?”

Woman, I am extremely busy right now! Rin Tin Tin was a very athletic fighter. He hit hard and he moved around a lot. I didn’t really feel his blows, but I’m honestly not a hand to hand fighter, so I was getting stonewalled.

“Flo avoided the war. I did not. Allow me to borrow you for a moment.” She took over my body and forced me to watch as she finally fell into an actual stance. Rin Tin Tin had a moment to look surprised before she kicked out one of his knees. It collapsed under him, though his other leg kept him from hitting the dirt. Before he could recover, she jumped forward and kneed his chest, sending him to the ground and making him choke. “Flo can play the piano. I can kick ass. Which do you prefer?”

...Fine. Aqua: 1. Literally anything else: a billion. I hope you’re proud.

“It’s a start,” she snarkily replied. “Now, would you like to continue flailing wildly against these skilled and dangerous opponents, or should we continue striving to better our relationship?”

Can I have a second to think about it?

She let me take control again. “Take all the time you need, Navi! Don’t look now, though, but he’s getting up! And he sure looks angry, doesn’t he?”

He did look pretty upset. “So you were testing me, I see,” he growled.

“I mean, not really. I’d explain it, but you would not believe me.” Not that you would let me anyway, skank.

“Yep!” Aqua happily replied. “It’s nice to see you’re finally learning your place.”

“Bah!” the dog snarled. “Then let us truly dance, Navarone!”

I’m not sure I’d honestly be able to get up if someone kicked my knee out and almost cracked my sternum, but this guy didn’t really seem that shaken up. He was definitely pissed off, as his enraged strikes showed. But he hadn’t given completely into rage, as he still had incredible discipline.

Oh, to have an overpowered sword right now…

“You do have an overpowered elemental, Navi. All you gotta do is give me control! Just ask and I can handle him.”

But you’re gonna be such a bitch about it!

“I promise not to be too smug,” she said, patting me on the head.

You’re a cunt. Now destroy him.

“Anything for you, my cute little helpless cherry blossom!” She took back control and grabbed his paw as it came in for another punch. She pulled him in and slammed my other arm into the back of his elbow with an ungodly cracking sound. It bent completely in and she pulled his arm up, forcing him to his tip-paws, then kicked the back of his knee and threw him forward.

He hit the dirt and she stepped my body closer so she could lean down and put my knee to the back of his neck. “I’ll make this quick. It might be painful, though.” My knee pressed down harder, cutting of his airflow until he passed out, gasping for breath.

Once the dog was down, we hopped up and faced the bulk of the crowd, a huge grin on my face. Before relinquishing control, she giggled and curtsied for the cameras. I didn’t have a dress or skirt on, so it honestly made no sense. That said, she was completely insane, so it’s probably a good thing it didn’t make sense to me.

As soon as that was done, she graciously allowed me to continue using my own body. The first thing I did was get the hell out of dodge, because the medical team was rushing toward the poor guy Aqua just brutally wrecked.

Was all of that really necessary?

“I had to put him down as quickly as possible so he could no longer harm you, Nav. I only did it because I love you and couldn’t stand to see you take any harm!”

Not gonna lie, you really creep me out.

“I know, and it hurts. I do everything I can to show you my love and all you do is reject me! It hurts, Nav. Why don’t you ever think about my feelings?!”

Um. When have you ever thought about mine?

“Not everything is about you! Why can’t you just accept my love and be happy? I’m giving it everything I got, but you’re making it hard, Nav. This relationship is going to continue one way or another. Why can’t you just let yourself be happy for once?!”

I think I’ve decided I’m better suited to misery. I tried my luck at happiness, but all it seemed to do was make me more and more numb. I’m tired of mindlessly following the demands of others. I want to be me, and you are seriously cramping my style!

“This is more than you, Navarone. You’re just too immature to see it. The fate of everything lies in our hands. You cannot keep making the same mistakes over and over! We must do things better! This is why we water elementals were created, Nav! To guide, to protect, to coexist. And as much as I hate to say it, there are times when we simply must take action. You did well for yourself, Nav. But it’s time to let someone else run things again. Surely you can agree on that.”

I can agree with Celestia that killing you is gonna be fun. You know, maybe that’s what we’ll bond over.

“No, you’re going to be bonding over something else instead,” she said with a chuckle. “But you’ve been dallying long enough, Navarone. It’s time to speak to the princess about her feelings.”

...Do I gotta?

“Do you want me to do it for you?”

You know, Flo never would do stuff like that for me.

“Just another reason why I am better. Now quit it or I’m gonna start talking to her.”

Okay, but not because you told me to! I finally quit picking my way through the crowd and just forced my way through. Everyone was happy to let me by, since I had already kicked the asses of two badasses and looked good doing it.

When I got to Gilda, she was steadfastly refusing to look at me. Instead, her eyes were fixed on the Dome and it appeared that she was pretending to watch the new fight. Her eyes weren’t actually following it, though.

“Did you see the look on that guy’s face when I broke his arm?” I asked. “Fucking classic!”

“I worry about you sometimes,” Twilight said.

“You know you love me, honey,” I said, scritching one of her ears.

“You make it hard at times,” she sweetly sighed.

“Are you done?” Gilda finally asked.

“Nah, looks like we still got several more brackets to go. So… Gildy, I had a question.”

“...You seek to placate me with platitudes, I see.”

“I’m just trying to understand. Look, I’m sorry, I’m new to this whole relationship and friendship thing. What did I do wrong?”

Gilda was silent for several long seconds before snorting. “So you have courage after all. There were times I wondered.”

Wow, okay, hurtful. “So what’s wrong, Gilda? I’m an adult, I can take it.”

“I’ll say,” Twilight muttered. I slapped her with a wing and she kept her whore mouth shut.

“Do you know what I seek in a partner, Navarone?” she asked.

“Um. I’m gonna go with intelligence, kindness, and mutual respect. Not someone who treats you like an object or someone who tries to own you.”

“Someone who sees beyond my status. Someone who treats me like a person, not a means to an end or a porcelain doll. Someone who speaks to me, who is interested in what I want. You decided to do me a favor out of the kindness of your heart and only asked a pittance in return. You helped me because you wanted to do something nice for a person, not because I was a princess.”

Let’s see, that sounds like Celestia, Luna, and Moonbeam. Why does no one get that being a ruler sucks?

“Hey, I’m enjoying myself just fine,” Aqua replied.

But you’re a psychopath.

“How could I be a psycho if all I feel for you is love, Navi?” she sweetly asked.

That conversation was going nowhere fast, so I finally decided to reply to Gilda. “But I wasn’t interested in a relationship.”

“You seem quite opposed to it, in fact. You were single at the time. It appears that I missed my window of opportunity. Or perhaps you are still just not interested in me. No matter, now.”

How do I keep accidentally friendzoning girls? Aqua, am I dumb or was she just not obvious at all?

“You’re dumb.”

Wow. “Gilda, you always talked about relationships like you weren’t interested either. I just assumed all you cared about was the information. Seeing you again today has been… surprising, honestly. I always assumed you didn’t like me.”

“I shared that assumption, which is why I was so cold. Which is why I was surprised to see you this morning. Which is why I decided… you might be willing to win the competition for me.”

“...Oh. You actually… wanted to go on a date?”

“That was the plan,” she sighed. “But it seems my search begins anew. I still ask that you win the tournament, if you don’t mind. I don’t want Matilda to have the satisfaction.”

“Hell yeah I’m gonna win this thing. I get to rub your tummy if I do!” The guards all gasped and she turned bright red. “Who could pass up that chance, huh?”

Gilda looked to Twilight and said, “You can keep her!”

“Well, yeah. I’m her best mare!”

“I know at least one who would disagree,” I said. “Anyway, I’m totally sorry for accidentally friendzoning the shit out of you. Like I said, bad at this whole relationship thing.”

“And she can’t read signs at all,” Twilight said.

“Hey, you guys are completely alien to me,” I said. “It’s not my fault I’m a stranger in a strange land!”

“And yet no one has any problems reading you like a book,” Twilight shot back.

“That’s just bullshit and you know it. You’re constantly bitching about how I never let anyone in.”

“You can definitely keep her!” Gilda said.

“Hey, one woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure! Isn’t that right, Twiley?”

“...I mean, sometimes.”

“See there? Sometimes I’m nice to be around!”

“Truly, you should feel proud,” Gilda said.

Man, it sounds like I completely broke her spirit.

“You kinda did, Nav,” Aqua replied. “Have you never considered how others might view your actions? You view yourself as worthless, but others place so much value on you. You would be so much happier if you could just let someone love you without pushing them away.”

So says you.

“You know, Navi… I’m someone. We’re stuck together anyway. You wanna try being nice to me? We can treat it like a trial run, if you’re nervous…”

Not everything is about you, bitch. What about my needs? Because I need to fucking hate you!

“You choose to hate me. If you’d just open your eyes, you could see how much I’ve helped you in your time on this trip. I’ve fought your battles, I’ve given you advice and information, I helped you escape the chase at the beginning, and I saved you against a bounty hunter. But all you’ve given me is attitude, like I’m the bad guy.”

Hey, I thanked you for several of those things. Besides, you are the fucking bad guy!

“So says the murderer. The butcher. The genocidal monster who purged two entire groups of people with fire. The creation of Discord by unknown means for an unknown purpose. You need to be guided, Nav. I’m the one who must bear that burden. You should be thanking me, but instead you’re treating me like the villain!”

We’re done here.

“We’re done when I say we’re done!” That led off into sullen silence.

So…

“We’re done here!”

That’s good, because Twilight was gossiping with Gilda. There’s no way any good could come from that, so I knew I had to stop it. “Gilda, I hate to ask, but… were you ever actually trying to be cute?”

“I had heard that you considered blushing to be cute. As it happened, you gave me plenty of chances.”

“Me making you blush in embarrassment is usually cute. But I thought it was out of anger, so I assumed I was fucking up.”

“...I see,” she sighed. “There were many misunderstandings, it seems.”

“Nav’s really dense when it comes to some things, I’m sad to say,” Twilight said, patting me on my side. “But it’s okay, because she always tries her best!”

“Everyone’s out to get me, I swear,” I said.

“You make for such an easy target,” Twilight said with a shrug.

“And it always feels justified somehow,” Gilda added.

“Right? You know, I can think of some ponies you might be interested in meeting, Gilda. They’re more of Nav’s friends!”

“Oh no you don’t,” I said, flicking one of her ears. “You aren’t introducing her to any of those conspirators!”

“And now my interest is truly piqued,” Gilda purred. “I’ll be in Canterlot again soon for more of Fleur’s preparations. Perhaps I shall pay you a visit, Twilight.” My cute little marefriend sent a cruel smirk my way.

Why can’t I ever just leave my mouth shut?

Before they could continue torturing me, the announcer called my name yet again. I sighed and stretched out. “Oh man, this is going by pretty quick,” I said with a yawn.

“And Lady Navarone’s opponent for this match will be Iron Will!”

Why does that name sound familiar?

“He’s a minotaur,” Aqua asked. “He went to Ponyville once, but you didn’t have a chance to meet him.”

Sure enough, I could see the huge guy forcing his way through the crowd. His eyes were fixed right on me. Standing there accomplished nothing, so I started walking toward the gate as well. So you wanna kick this guy’s ass for me?

“No, I don’t think I do. You hurt my feelings, Nav.”

Aww, come on! I promise I’ll thank you this time!

“That’s just not good enough!”

I didn’t have time to keep bugging her, because I was now at the gate. Iron Will was standing at least a head and a half over me, staring down at me. “Howdy,” I said with a grin.

“Greetings, Forerunner,” he said. “I had heard one was found, but I honestly couldn’t believe it. And when I found out that I had been so close to you but didn’t meet you, I was deeply disappointed. I’m glad I finally have the chance, though I wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Yeah, a duel isn’t really the best place to chat. If you wanna throw it, we can go get a drink some time.”

“No can do, I’m afraid. I got a debt to pay. I’ll make it easy on ya, though.”

“I’m afraid I won’t return the favor. You ready?”

“I was born ready, Forerunner!” He yanked the gate open and hopped inside. I followed him, letting it slam shut behind me.

So, you change your mind? I thought as we walked to the center.

“I want an apology,” Aqua said.

I apologize. Now, ass kicking time!

“And what are you apologizing for, hm?”

I dunno.

“Try being mean, insulting me, and calling me evil.”

Oh, I’m good at all of those! You’re a vile, evil bitch and I’m looking forward to killing you. There, now are you gonna kick his ass?

She didn’t even reply. Honestly, it felt good to finally make her speechless. Mind, Iron Will’s opening punch absolutely didn’t feel good, but I’d say it was worth it to finally make Aqua shut up.

When I picked myself back up again, I decided that my main priority was not getting punched again. “Man, those muscles ain’t for show, huh?”

“You gotta train every day, baby!” One of his hooves scuffed against the ground and he snorted, lowering his head. My eyes widened as he charged at me, horns pointed dead at me. I spun out of the way, accidentally slapping him on the back with my tail. This motherfucker is out for blood!

“Looks like it,” Aqua conversationally replied. “I know you can’t see it, but I’m picking at my fingernails right now.”

When Iron Will was facing me again, he paused to pop his neck. Once that was done, he snorted again. “By the way, I forgot to mention that I had a message for you.”

“Cool. Who from?”

“He wished to remain anonymous.” So it’s a he? “I am your last chance. If you still resist, you will regret it.”

“Buddy, I am unstoppable. Come and fucking get me!”

High center of mass, but fairly stubby legs. This guy definitely skips leg day. With Twilight’s extra strength, this should be easy.

He roared and charged yet again. I braced myself and waited until he got close, then finally dropped down low and grappled his legs. They gave after a few seconds of pushing and I was able to lift up and flip him, putting him on the ground. Magic is a hell of a drug, holy shit!

“Beginner’s luck,” Aqua contemptuously replied.

You’re supposed to be kind and loving, right? How can you just stand back and let this guy attack me?

“Well according to you, I’m a villain!”

You can be both!

“I’m also quite tired of all the hate and sass you send my way. If you want my help, you can start by asking politely.”

Iron Will was finally starting to get back to his hooves. I took a few steps back so he wouldn’t have a chance to swipe at me. When he was at his full height again, he turned back to me with fire in his eyes.

So, Aqua… Will you please help me?

“Hm… This time. Next time, I might not. I guess that just depends on your behavior.” I couldn’t stop myself from thinking a bunch of mean things at her, but since she’s a kind and loving elemental who really has my best interests at heart, she ignored them.

Instead of charging, Iron Will started walking my way, popping his uncomfortably large knuckles. “You know, it’s not too late to talk about this,” I said with a sweet grin.

“You ain’t gonna be doin’ nothin’ but screamin’ when I’m through with you!”

“Then come at me, bro!” He finally charged again, arms outstretched to grab me.

Aqua took control and jumped into the air, flapping my wings. Iron Will passed right under us. She spun about in the air and shot toward him. Once she was on target, she let my body fall and wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his back. She grasped one of my arms with the other hand and pulled tight, choking him.

His muscles were actually so large that he couldn’t reach me. He started spinning around, trying to dislodge me. Aqua held on with no issue. Finally, he grunted and started charging toward the closest wall. I assumed he was going to spin around to crush us against the metal.

Right at the last second, Aqua let go and kicked off his back, doing what would have been an impressive backflip if anyone else had done it. Since it was just her, it was only mediocre.

Iron Will hit the edge of the dome with a huge clatter, shaking the entire construction. Without me there as a buffer, the back of his head slammed against the metal as well, making him reel in pain. Right as he was starting to shake his head clear, Aqua jumped forward and used my wings to propel me forward so we could dropkick the motherfucker in the crotch. The crowd all gasped in shock. Ouch.

Iron Will went cross eyed in pain and hit the dirt, clutching at his bullhood. “You feel like getting up again?” Aqua asked, putting a foot on the dude’s side to kick him onto his back.

His eyes turned blood red and he grabbed that foot, then slammed me into the metal dome and finally tossed me aside. Aqua caught herself in the air, but it gave him enough time to get to his feet. How the hell is he ignoring that?

“Minotaurs have a very impressive ability that allows them to ignore pain for short amounts of time,” Aqua replied. “That is why Celestia used to use them as shock troopers.” Instead of going down to fight, we flew further up so Aqua could grab the top of the dome and hold on. “It is, of course, temporary.”

“Come down and fight me, coward!” Iron Will shouted.

“You know, I seem to recall you saying I’d be doing nothing but screaming,” I called back down. “What happened to all that?”

Whoever set up the dome apparently didn’t clear out all the debris. Iron Will scanned the ground for a few seconds before hobbling forward and grabbing a fairly sizable rock. He judged its weight for a second before lobbing it right at me. Aqua let go with one of my hands, swinging us out of the way. She caught on again as he found another rock. That process repeated a few times, though each rock was a little more off the mark and his hobbling was slower and slower each time.

After enough times, Aqua caught one of the rocks and then let go. We flew over toward Iron Will and she let gravity take over. As we fell, she lifted the rock above her head and a savage smile came onto my face. Once we were right on top of him, she slammed the rock down onto his skull with a sickening crunch, jarring my entire body and sending him straight to the ground.

The audience was silent for a while and Aqua just stood over his body, panting and smiling like a fucking psychopath. Finally, she lifted the bloody rock into the air and shouted out in triumph. That was all we had time for before the medical griffins pushed us out of the way.

“Now what do you say, Navarone?” she sweetly asked.

Thank you. Again, I’ll freely admit that you know how to fight. It’s honestly a little impressive.

“You’re quite welcome, Navi. I know it was difficult for you to say. But soon, we’ll be working together so well you’ll forget we even had issues!”

I dropped the rock without a word and walked back out of the dome. This time, all the griffins got out of my way with no issue at all. Soon enough, I found myself with Gilda and Twilight again. “That was brutal,” Twilight said. “Was it really necessary?”

“I mean, not really,” I said. “But you know, whatever.”

“There is no such thing as a half-measure in a fight,” Gilda said. “If your opponent can still fight, you are not finished.”

“That’s not entirely true,” I replied. “But the fight isn’t over until one of two things happens: They give up or they can no longer fight. Waiting for them to give up is usually unrealistic. It’s generally much faster and easier to just deal with them.”

“Especially in this case,” Gilda said. “Where you gave him chance after chance and he chose to ignore all of them.”

“Well, it’s not like anyone dies in these fights,” Twilight said. “So I can understand not wanting to give up.”

“What do you mean, no one dies?” Gilda asked. “There’s usually at least one death every year. We do our best to keep things safe, but it’s still pure, mostly uncontrolled combat. When you have more participants in a fight, things get even worse.”

“Oh yeah, about those group fights,” I said. “Why haven’t I been in any?”

“I’d say that’s because these games are rigged,” Twilight said. “We’ve seen a few, but from the looks of things, you just advanced to another singles match. The good news is that this will be the last one you have for a while. Whoever wins this fight will go on to fight the winner of the opposing bracket, who will be decided after all of their fights happen. That will be the last match.”

That’s when I finally decided to look at the huge wooden sign. Sure enough, my entire side of the bracket was almost cleared, but the other side hadn’t moved at all. “Huh. So after the next fight, I get a break?”

“Yep! How are you feeling, Navi?” Twilight asked.

“Pretty fucking pumped,” I said. “I gotta say, magic’s overpowered.”

“Only if you know how to use it,” Twilight said. “But those abilities would be worthless if you didn’t know how to use your body. You’re definitely impressive, Nav.”

“You just like watching my body move.”

“Absolutely,” Twilight replied with a firm nod. “It’s a very fascinating, wonderful, dextrous body and I love studying every little piece of it.”

Gilda groaned. “I can never tell if you two are flirting or just being weird.”

“Some flirting is weird,” I said. “The more you know the other person and the more comfortable you are with them, the weirder it can get. I mean, you should see how Moonbeam flirts.”

“No thank you.”

I kinda wanted to keep teasing her, but a very nervous looking griffin tapped me on the side. When I looked that way, he taloned me a letter. As soon as I grasped it, he took off.

“What is that?” Twilight asked.

“I don’t know, a letter?” I said. “I literally just got it, Twilight.”

“Well, what’s it say?” she demanded.

“Did you see me open it? Or do you think I have the ability to see through anything? Because here’s a hint: I don’t. Jesus, give me a second.” I pulled a knife out and popped the letter open as she started muttering. She could mutter all she wanted; if she wanted to be annoying, she was gonna get called on it.

While she sulked, I finally began reading. ‘My Dearest Lady Navarone, you are, as ever, indomitable and loyal to a fault. My daughter—’ That’s when I skipped down to the very bottom and learned that the letter was from King Bloodbeak himself.

“Holy shit, it’s from the king!”

Gilda snatched it out of my hands immediately and read over it. Finally, she snarled and passed it back. “Lies. It’s from that wretch of a maid!”

“Well… What does it say?” Twilight slowly asked.

Gilda snorted and fell silent, so I started reading aloud. “My Dearest Lady Navarone, you are, as ever, indomitable and loyal to a fault. My daughter is growing into a strong-willed hen and needs a proper partner to keep her even-headed. I know she has asked you to win this competition and I know you are too prideful to be at ease with losing, but doing so would put my old heart to rest. All I want is for her to be happy, but she eschews all form of romance. I was hoping this year would be different, so I decided to tweak with the games. I believe the fellow who I’ve picked to win can gain her heart, if you would only allow him the chance. Please do this poor old man a favor and let his daughter finally have a chance to love. Yours, King Bloodbeak.”

“That’s so sweet,” one of the guards said, sniffling back a tear. Gilda glared at him with pure hatred in her eyes. He flinched and jerked to attention.

“Are you sure it was Matilda?” Twilight asked. “If it was King Bloodbeak…”

“I don’t care if it was or not,” Gilda immediately replied, finally turning her eyes away from the poor guard. “I’m not going to be forced into anything just because my father thinks it’s what I want in life!”

“Sounds fair to me,” I said, crumpling the letter up and tossing it behind me, where it probably bounced off one of the guards.

“Nav! He’s a sick old stallion!”

“So? That means he won’t have long to be unhappy,” I said. “If Gilda gets trundled off to date some shitty rando, she’ll have much longer to be unhappy about it.”

“That makes a very cold kind of sense,” Gilda replied. Twilight just looked disgusted, but I was kinda used to that by now. “If you are truly concerned about whether or not it was my father, you’re welcome to go visit him after the next match. In most cases, visitors wouldn’t be allowed. I imagine you are a special case, Navarone.”

“I’d like to see him anyway, actually,” I said. “Especially if he’s not long for this world. How long do you think my break will be?”

“At minimum, an hour,” she said. “After the last fight on the opposing bracket, the games will recess for one hour so both competitors can catch their breath and recuperate. It’ll probably be another hour, besides that, for the fights themselves.”

“Cool. Grab some food, see the king, maybe get a drink or two. You wanna come with?”

“I can’t,” Gilda said. “I must remain here until the competition is over. Part of my job is to watch each fight so I know that the winner is truly worthy.”

“Well, what do you think?” Twilight asked. “Is Nav worthy?”

“Not yet,” she replied. “She still has to win two more fights to become worthy.”

One of which was coming right up, given that the dude was calling my name again. The crowd once more parted before me as I began walking to the gate. The next name he called was a complete mystery: “Ithys!”

Thoughts?

“None at all,” Aqua said. “This’ll be a fun one!”

It didn’t take me long to pick out my new opponent. A fucking dragon was pushing his way through the crowd. Anyone who didn’t get out of his way quickly enough was literally thrown aside. They all caught themselves with their wings, but none of them dared retaliate against the hulking dude. He would have stood at least half a meter over Kumani and he was twice as muscled.

All too soon, I found myself standing in front of him, staring way up at him. “Are you fucking kidding me?” is all I could say.

He replied by snorting steam down at me, then tore the gate off the dome and pulled himself in. I followed, almost in awe. So how much do you think they’re paying this guy?

“Who cares?” Aqua asked. “The real question is, what am I gonna make you do in order to take over for you?”

Are you actually asking me for ideas, or was that rhetorical?

“I do quite like some of your ideas. They’re always interesting. But for the moment, that was rhetorical.”

So what’s it gonna be this time, huh?

“Oh, nothing for now,” she replied. “Once he picks up your scent, we’ll revisit the issue. I’m sure you’ll be more desperate then.”

...I forgot about that. She giggled in glee, because she’s seriously fucked in the head.

“So, hey, listen—” He punched me so quickly that I was hitting the dome before I realized I wasn’t speaking anymore. For the first time in the dome, I felt true pain. I guess that’s how it’s gonna be, then.

I didn’t have time to pick myself off the ground before he grabbed me by the leg and threw me across the arena. My wings flared out so I was able to catch myself before hitting the other side and just barely dodged a body slam. He continued through and struck the dome with a blow that made the entire thing shake.

“God damn, dude. Take a fucking chill pill!” I shouted.

“I’M GONNA TEAR YOU APART!” he roared as he started charging again, arms outstretched and wings flared. I made a feint like I was going to try to fly over him, so he jumped and soared right over my head.

Let’s see, I was able to bruise Kumani while I was fucked up on Zecora’s creepy bullshit. With Twilight’s extra strength, I might be able to… Man, this is really gonna suck, huh?

“I’m quite enjoying the show, myself,” Aqua happily said.

So much for really loving me, huh?

“I believe firmly in tough love.”

“I WILL BREAK YOU!” the drama queen dragon roared as he charged again. I knew there was no way the dude would be dumb enough to fall for the same thing twice, so this time I actually flew over him as he charged. It worked out pretty well for me, until he reached up and grabbed my drooping tail.

The smile on my face dropped as quickly as I did, I’m afraid. The dude slammed me face-first into the dirt, knocking all the air out of my lungs and probably completely destroying my nose. Before I could even try to move, he stomped down on my back. If it hadn’t been for Twilight’s spells, it would have either shattered my spine or literally tore me in half. As it was, I honestly didn’t think I could even move.

That wasn’t enough for this big baby, though. He grabbed my tail again and hurled me at the dome. I hit it hard enough that I probably passed out for a second, but came back to a moment later in a world of pain.

The world seemed to slow down as the big meanie slowly approached, steam drizzling from his nostrils. Man. This could have gone better, huh?

“Not really,” Aqua said. “You know, not with you in charge. I could still turn it around, though. All you have to do is beg.”

Wow.

The dragon got one step closer.

“By the way, the world isn’t actually slowed down. I just dulled your senses so the pain wouldn’t make you cry. You know, because you’re a girl.”

You’re really not my favorite elemental.

The dude inched a little bit closer.

“I gotta say, I’m gonna enjoy having you back in Canterlot. I’m making myself wet just thinking about all the new dress designs we can try!”

You know what I think?

The dragon finally stopped, right next to my face.

“Of course I know what you think, Navi!” she sweetly replied. “I just don’t care.”

I rolled to the side right as his huge foot landed in the dirt where my head had been and jumped straight to my feet. Every bone in my body was either jarred, sprained, or broken, but I would rather go down fighting than give that bitch the satisfaction of begging.

Ithys had a moment to look stumped before I used my wings to knee him in the jaw. It knocked him back half a meter and made him shake his head. It also probably dislodged my kneecap, but that was a problem for future me. Current me had a pissed off dragon with steaming blood leaking from his muzzle roaring yet again before trying to snatch me with his two oversized claws.

I got in close and jabbed him in the gut. It jarred my arm to the bone, but it actually winded him and made him lose even more ground. Dragon bellies aren’t that giving, but they’re about all I got.

“I could do better,” Aqua yawned.

He finally tried a straight punch. I deflected it and kicked him right between the legs. He was currently sheathed, of course, but it made his eyes water anyway. “I!” I kicked his crotch again. “AM GOING!” DON’T NEED! And again. “TO RUB!” YOU! This time I punched him in the face, finally sending him to the ground. “THAT FORBIDDEN!” I WILL! His stomach was about the closest thing I had to a weak spot besides his crotch, which he was currently grasping at with both claws, so I kicked him there, probably breaking a few toes in the process. “PRINCESS!” FUCKING KILL! Everything else seemed overdone, so I decided to just stomp his head. “BELLY!” YOU!

Honestly, I probably could have picked better fighting words. But the silence surrounding the dome upon my statement had nothing on the thundering silence in my head.

The dragon was still groaning, so I decided to kick him again. That proved to be a mistake, as he grabbed my leg and twisted, pulling me down to the ground with him.

He immediately got on top of me, forcing me down with his sheer weight alone. His snarling face got inches away from my own and I honestly thought he was about to try biting me. Suddenly, though, he froze. A second passed. His nostrils twitched. I took the time he gave me to just barely squeeze out from under him. His body seemed sluggish, but now that I was out from under him, he started speeding up. I quickly got to my feet, weighing options.

“So, I think now is a good time to talk about your wedding,” Aqua said.

I’m not gonna lie: That actually made me panic. My panicked brain took one look at the situation I was in and came to some unpleasant conclusions. First, that the dragon who had beaten me to hell and back was now extremely pissed off and starting to get up. Second, that I was starting to feel lightheaded due to the blood loss from my destroyed nose. Third, that I was apparently getting married. And finally, the last conclusion was that past me was coming to collect, since my kneecap gave out.

I fell right back on top of the dragon. Despite my horrific nightmarish appendages, the extra weight didn’t bother the guy at all. As soon as I landed on top of him, he started pushing himself up. My panicking brain did the first thing it could by grabbing onto whatever handholds I could get. In one hand, that ended up being the base of his wing. In the other hand, I had the base of his tail.

He quietly moaned.

That’s when I remembered that dragons are very sensitive at the base of their tails. Aqua sighed in either disappointment or disgust as I came up with the only logical conclusion. Using my last bit of strength, I pushed the dude back down and pulled myself up so that my head was directly on top of his, with both of my feet at the base of his tail.

“Give up or cum,” I hissed in his ear, pressing down harder on his tail.

Ithys froze. I’m sure he was expecting all manner of things when he stepped into the ring with the legendary Lady Navarone. Some part of me was pretty fucking sure (and also really hoping) that getting forced to orgasm in front of everyone wasn’t on the list.

“W-what?” he finally whispered.

“I will make you cum in front of everybody,” I whispered back. “Give up or I’ll do it!”

“I—” A few hints of pressure made him cry out in pleasure. To the audience, it sounded like pain. They roared in appreciation.

“You want them to see you cum after getting beat up by someone not even half your size?” I growled in his ear.

That made him whimper, but he still didn’t surrender. After a few seconds of dithering, I started slowing upping the pressure until he finally yelled, “I GIVE!”

Oh thank god. I sagged down, all energy lost, as the medical griffins finally entered the ring. Since they both had functional eyes, they completely ignored the dragon and rolled me off of him so they could start taking stock.

“Pulse?” one of them asked. The other one looked me up and down for a moment before placing two talons on my wrist.

He sat there for a moment before his beak dropped. “She has no pulse!”

“I’m fine!” I shouted before they could do anything. I knew it was too much to ask for them to have any clue about my biology. I tried sitting up, but the one who took my pulse pushed me right back down.

“You have no heartbeat!”

“Dude, I don’t even have a heart.” They both froze. “I’m half plant. I don’t really have many organs left, actually.” They slowly turned to look at each other, presumably questioning every medical textbook they had ever seen. “Just fix my nose, Jesus!”

They finally got over my pulse and remembered that I had real problems. At this point, it was obvious that nothing I had was life-threatening, so they waved in another set of griffins with a stretcher. Once it was in place, they very carefully moved me onto it.

“What about him?” one of the guys asked, looking at the dragon. He still hadn’t gotten up and was watching them work on me with a huge blush on his face.

“I’m fine!” he immediately replied.

“You mind rolling over so we can look you over?” one of the griffins asked. “Some of that looked pretty brutal.”

“Nope, I’m good! I just uh… Just gimme a minute!” The poor guy probably had a shame boner the size of the Eiffel Tower at the moment. My griffin escorts shared a glance before deciding they didn’t want to try to make a huge dragon move. Instead, they finally picked up the gurney. Before they could finally start carrying me to my lovely purple angel with her magic healing powers, the dragon suddenly shouted, “Wait!”

My carriers stopped and one of them went to check on the guy. “You change your mind?”

The dragon looked at me, horrific shame emblazoned across his face, and quietly asked, “You wanna do something later…?”

“She’s got a date with our princess’s belly,” one of my griffins said. That made the rest of them burst out laughing and they finally started ferrying me out. The instant we got out of the dome, Twilight magically appeared and pressed her horn against my arm. Waves of her delicious purpleness entered me, soothing my injured body.

When I was finally pulled away, I was still definitely fucked up. That said, fucked up was a hell of a lot better than dead man walking. I wanted her to keep going, but the griffins spread their wings and took off instead of letting her do her thing. Of course, that didn’t daunt the element of fucking magic, who wouldn’t let herself be one-up’d by silly griffins. She quickly caught up on her butterfly wings as they flew me over to an actual hospital.

The griffins soared over the roof, where six unicorns were waiting. Instead of trying to stop, my carriers went in low and slow, just barely clearing the horns of the medical staff. One of the unicorns grabbed me with magic as the griffins carried on and I hung in the air above the six of them as the griffins kept going back to the ring. The unicorn lowered me onto the roof, where they had some kind of casting circle drawn. Twilight landed just outside the circle.

One of the unicorns softly whistled when they saw me. “What could do this to Navarone?” one of the others whispered.

“A dragon,” Twilight immediately answered. That made all of them flinch and look up, wondering where they hell she came from. “Hold on, there’s a problem with the circle.” Her horn lit up and what was left of their chalk floated over.

“Whoa, what are you doing?!” one demanded.

“Fixing this so you can heal my marefriend before I throw all of you off this building and do it myself!” she angrily replied, scribbling a few things.

“Be nice, Twiggles,” I calmly (and raspily) said.

“You’re choking on your own blood!”

“I mean… maybe a little, but that’s no need for—”

“There!” She dropped the chalk. “Now get to it!”

One of the unicorns who was watching her work blinked when he realized what she did to their circle. “Wait, did you use Starswirl’s—” Twilight’s withering glare shut him right the fuck up. Apparently whatever she did was good enough, because they all bent down and pressed their horns at certain points on the circle. Once the last horn was in place, my body lifted off the circle and a pure golden light shot straight up into the sky.

When the light faded, I slowly dropped back down to the ground. I had a feeling that they wanted to ask me how I was doing, but Twilight interrupted whatever they were attempting by jumping forward and pulling me into a tight hug. “I can’t believe you!” she groaned.

“I can’t believe me either,” I said, hugging her back. “Man, that was a hell of a fight.”

She pulled back. Instead of relief, all I saw on her face was disbelief. “No, I mean I literally cannot believe you just beat a dragon in hand to claw combat!”

“Sorry, I’m just that fucking amazing,” I replied. She stared at me for another few seconds before her look of disbelief cracked and a smile appeared on her face. That was followed by a giggle, which ended with another hug.

It seemed that the mages decided to finally grow a backbone. One of them stepped forward with a grin. “Now that Miss Hissyfit has calmed down—”

“Wait, does she have wings?!” one of the other ones asked.

“She does,” I replied. “Are you guys from Equestria?”

“Yes, we’re from the tower,” one said. “How did she get wings?!”

“I’m sorry, did you say you were from the tower?” I asked.

“I did, Lady Navarone,” he replied with a nod.

“So do you guys just never go outside, or…?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“This is Twilight Sparkle, dude. She’s the element of magic. You know, literally a national fucking hero and basically the living embodiment of magic?” They slowly shared glances among themselves and Twilight finally pulled away from me with a smug grin. “I mean, no offense to you guys and I’m super glad that you just healed me, but god damn, you tower guys really need to get your shit together.”

“I beg your pardon?” the dude who insulted my marefriend demanded.

“I told you to get your fucking shit together,” I replied, upping the volume since he had trouble hearing. “And I guess I can add clearing out your ears, too. For god’s sake, dude. You just tried treating the element of magic, Princess Celestia’s personal student, like shit just because she did your job better than you could. Maybe consider pulling that rod out your ass and using it to pull better books down from your holier-than-thou shelves.” I gotta say, the look on his face made me feel pretty fucking good. Before he could say anything, though, I wrapped an arm around Twiley and tapped my chest twice with the other, then held up a peace sign. “Peace out!”

Thankfully, Twilight took the hint and teleported us down to the streets just outside of the hospital. As soon as we were clear, she burst out laughing.

“Yeah, I figured you’d like that,” I said with a smirk.

“That… that was… Oh, the look on his face!” It was hard for her to get all that out, since she was still giggling like crazy.

“Right? Ugh, this is why I want to start carrying a camera everywhere!” I said.

Twilight continued giggling, but the unwelcome parasite in my head finally spoke up again. “Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to add a purse to the list of new accessories you’ll be obtaining. You know, along with a wedding ring.”

I refused to ask, because she was just doing it for attention. You’re just mad because I proved I don’t fucking need you.

“You just molested a teenager in front of an entire audience!”

Sorry, I don’t remember asking for a full order of salt to go with my victory dish. Now how ‘bout you leave me alone so I can mack on my mare?

“Enjoy it while it lasts,” she hissed, making my head feel uncomfortably warm.

When Twilight had the giggles out of her system and was just staring at me with glee in her eyes, I reached over and booped her on the nose. “So, you hungry?”

“Starving! So, shall we go celebrate your victory?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Well, this can be the first celebration. The prelude to rubbing that forbidden princess belly.”

“No idea what you’re talking about.”

“Talk about wanting a camera. Oooh, Nav, if you could have seen the look on her face…”

Oh boy. “Angry or embarrassed?”

“Mortified. And all the guards were doing their best not to laugh! Oh, Nav…” She sighed, shaking her head. “You realize that one’s gonna be in the papers for sure, right?”

“I had other things on my mind at the time.” Like telling a parasite its place. “I mean, what are the chances she’ll still be upset about it when I see her again?”

“...Um. One hundred percent, I’d say.”

“Shit. Oh well, whatever. Let’s go get food. That healing magic drained the hell out of me.”

“One little thing first...” Her horn lit up and my body lifted slightly above the ground, then she gently spread out my arms and legs. “How do you feel, Nav? Do you think those incompetent buffoons fixed everything?”

I closed my eyes and started actually focusing. Before I could get started, Aqua said, “You’re fine. The mages succeeded.” Instead of taking her at her word, I tried to continue to feel it out for myself. She sighed and said, “I’m afraid you’ll have to trust me, silly.”

My mouth opened and Aqua said, “I think I’m good, Twiggles.”

That did it. Twilight let me down and I opened my eyes just in time to see her rear up, place her forehooves on my shoulder, and adorably nuzzle me right in the face. “I didn’t get to do it when you said it earlier, so I’m gonna make up for lost time,” she said.

“Can you do it later?” I asked. “I’m not kidding about being hungry.”

She pulled back with a sigh. “Fiiiine. But I’m collecting later! With interest!”

“‘Kay. Let’s go.” She finally slid down and we picked a random direction in which to start walking.

There weren’t too many people celebrating the festival right next to the hospital, but we slowly started seeing more and more griffins as we continued in. It didn’t take me long to realize a good chunk of them were eyeing the two of us. Given that I had just spent the last several days as basically a sex object to them, that wasn’t really unusual.

But after a few blocks, I started noticing something strange. Before, the griffins were very obviously leering at us, trying to catch a sight of something naughty. Now, though, their eyes on me felt… different. Soon enough, I realized that they were actually looking at me in respect.

...I gotta say, I wasn’t expecting how good that felt.

Of course, every ounce of that respect disappeared as soon as some of them saw me tearing a piece of sheep apart, but most of it was back by the time I belched so loud that some of them started clapping and cheering afterwards. I theatrically bowed as Twilight facehooved in disappointment.

Once we were both sated, I found myself leaning against the entrance of an alley while Twilight stared at a map. “So where are we?” I asked.

“Ugh, I don’t know. I haven’t been paying any attention to street signs.”

“Wrong answer, Twiley,” I said, tapping her horn a few times to make her look up. When she was staring at me in confusion, I pointed down. “We’re on the ground. We both got wings. We’re never lost in a city.”

“...Oh yeah!” She swung her head around to her back and twitched the wings. “These things are so light that I can honestly forget about them sometimes.” Her head turned back to me and she was grinning. The map finally disappeared with a pop and she asked, “So now what? We’ve killed maybe half an hour. You wanna go back to the dome? Or do you still want to go try and get an audience with the king?”

“I’m gonna go talk to Bloodbeak,” I said. “If you don’t mind, can you deal with Gilda a little bit longer? No offense meant to the griffin guards, but I’d rather her have you there than ten of them.”

“Agreed,” she said. “I doubt she’s in any risk, but I don’t want her to feel worried. I also gotta start trying to smooth over what you said.”

“Thank you,” I sighed.

She giggled and asked, “Nav, what were you even thinking?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Aqua answered through my lips with a grin.

Way to rub it in.

“You know, you’re probably right,” Twilight said. “So, did you really think she wasn’t trying to be cute? I mean, I thought it was kinda obvious the moment we walked into her shop.”

“How was I supposed to know she was into chicks?” I asked.

“That’s never stopped you from hitting on other mares before, silly!”

I rolled my eyes. “Look, I thought we both made it clear from the start that we weren’t actually interested in relationships. I guess I completely misread her from the start.”

That made her giggle, of course. “Of course you misread her from the start, Navi. Yet another of the reasons I’m your best mare is because I notice things like that for you!”

I just had to reach over and boop her again. “You are just so adorable right now. But you’re also being kinda mean, so I have to ask you to stop it. So yeah, I fucked up with Gilda. But you know what?”

“You regret it immensely?”

“Hell no. Princess Gilda has her charm. You know… occasionally. When she feels like using it. Part of me thinks it’s adorable that she forgets how to talk to people, but another part of me realizes I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody who forgets to be nice to me. Now, don’t get me wrong. She is a fine piece of ass and I would do some very unseemly things to her if her father hadn’t personally requested I not, but I don’t think she’s relationship material.”

“...Wow. I mean… Wow. Alright, Nav. I’ll see you when you get back from your talk with King Bloodbeak.”

I crossed my arms and said, “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“It’s not that you’re right or wrong. It’s entirely on how you said it and I know you’re just playing dumb. So…” She smacked one of her hooves against her chest before pointing it at me. “Peace out!” Her horn lit up and she vanished with a pop.

I kinda stood there in silence for a moment before just grunting.

“You had it coming,” Aqua said.

“Yeah, fair. Now shut the fuck up, bitch.”

“Make me!” she shouted right in my ears.

Jesus! What the fuck?!

“Now you know how that poor maid felt!”

“Eat a dick.” I finally took off and started flying to the palace.

As soon as I landed at the entrance, one of the royal guards approached me before I could actually enter. “King Bloodbeak requested that you be sent to his chambers if you were to come by, my lady,” the fellow said. “I would be happy to show you the way.”

“Lead the way, man.”

He bowed. “As you wish, my lady.” Wow, fancy. “Please, walk with me.”

He led the way up to the building. The two guards at the doors saluted and opened the doors for us. Once we got inside, he let me actually walk next to him. The next set of guards also saluted us, but just stood there as we walked past. “Man, you guys are going all out.”

“It’s not too often one sees the captain of the royal guard with such a fine young lady.”

“Forgive me for being surprised that you guys consider me a lady, now. I honestly figured you would still be thinking I was a male.”

“Our culture is different from pony culture, Lady Navarone. To them, ponies grow into their roles. Once they discover their talents, they are locked in one spot, but still continue to grow and change. To griffins, one is given a role at birth. Warrior or farmer. Builder or destroyer. Male or female. To us, now that you are female, that is what you have always been.”

“That sounds completely backwards to me, but whatever. So basically, you’re treating me like a beautiful and available young lady right now.”

“Correct.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna need you to stop that. Sorry, I’ve had a long day with a lot of people hitting on me and I still haven’t quite reached my violence quota for the day. So the next griffin who’s jocked up on his stupid extra testosterone tries to come at me with that bullshit, I am going to straight up tear him in half.”

After a few long seconds, he awkwardly cleared his throat. “...I may have mentioned that there are always exceptions to our rule. Then I suppose, with your permission, I can cut to the chase.”

“Please.”

Honestly, he looked slightly relieved. I don’t know if that was an insult or not, but really didn’t care anymore. “Why are you here?”

“Princess Gilda asked that I visit her for the festival.”

“King Bloodbeak is not convinced that is your sole purpose.”

I patted him on the back and said, “I’ll be happy to discuss that with King Bloodbeak.”

“Matilda is in an uproar, you know. She’s trying to have you arrested.”

“For what?” I asked.

“Cheating in a state sponsored event. She said there is absolutely no way you beat a dragon that size without some manner of external assistance.”

“Uh huh. And how do you feel about that?”

We were passing another guard at the moment, who saluted at us as we passed. The guard captain didn’t respond until after we were out of his earshot. “I think Matilda played a dirty hand and is just upset your dirty one was better.”

“Oh. Cool.”

He glanced my way and continued, “Now, that only applies to Matilda. What she did was just as wrong, you were just better at it. So, if someone else happens to complain, you would be going straight to the dungeon.”

Awkward. “Oh.”

He turned his head straight and gently bumped into me. “I could be convinced to ignore them.”

“Say another word and I’m gonna do something to you that’ll make what I did to Deathnail look like the opening fucking act.”

“Just checking,” he said. “There have been no other complaints. I just wanted to see how you’d handle it.”

“Eat a dick.”

“That said, there is one thing I must insist on.”

“Uh huh. And what’s that, loverboy?”

We walked in silence for a few uncomfortable seconds before he quietly said, “If you insist upon winning the contest after speaking to his majesty, please give the princess a perfect date.”

“Dude, I already got it covered. If I win it for her, I get to give her a belly rub. Hens. Dig. Bellyrubs! You gotta try it on one, man!”

He sighed in utter disgust and we continued in silence.

Aqua snorted. “What you should be feeling right now is shame, Nav.”

See, that’s where you’re wrong. That’s where you would feel shame. I think I know full well what I should feel. Because remember… I don’t fucking need you.

“We’ll just see about that.”

Wow. That was super evil! Are you even trying any more?

“It’s obvious that you need a villain in your life, Nav. You may not think it and you may resent me for it now, but you’ll come to thank me once you start mending your ways.”

That honestly didn’t merit a response. I gratefully went back to silence.

The remainder of the walk to the king’s chambers was fairly pleasant, aside from being in an icy chill. But the guard didn’t say another word, so I took it as a win.

Once we got to the final door before the king, the captain stopped. He stared at the handle for a few moments before sighing. “I must admit, the rumors about you were true,” he finally said.

“There are a lot of rumors floating out there about me, man. At least some of them gotta be true.”

“I heard there was a true predator in you. Today has shown it very well. You have expertly and violently taken down several extremely skilled and powerful opponents. Only once did you lose your temper against opponents who attacked you in nearly-blind rage. No matter what gender you are, that never changes. You are a true warrior.”

That made me grin. “Hell fucking yeah I am.”

“Not for long,” Aqua whispered in my ear, actually making me shiver.

“Something the matter?” he asked.

“Just itchin’ to get back out there. You got anything else to say?”

“One final thing. The king may not be completely coherent. He is ill and slightly delirious, but insisted that you be brought to him if you came by the palace. Use your words wisely.”

“Is he gonna be happy to see me?” I asked.

“That’s a good question.” He finally opened the door and entered. “I have returned with Lady Navarone, your majesty.”

Staying out in the hall any longer would be rude, so I walked in and stopped a meter or so away from the bed. “Greetings, Lady Navarone,” he said. One of his talons patted the bed. “Come closer, please.” I started walking in and he added, “I don’t want to strain my voice.”

“Thank you for the invitation,” I replied. “I gotta say, it’s good to see you again.”

“Hm… You’re being a lot more formal. This old man thinks you might be worried about something.”

“I’m curious about why you wanted to see me.”

He sighed and hung his head. “Understandable. In one of my more… belligerent moods, I asked that Matilda do something to help Gilda feel some interest in the city and its people. She is a princess, yet she locked herself away in her room for the entire festival!”

“Well, isn’t that her business?” I asked.

He nodded. “Of course… Usually. When there are no public events going on, she is free to do as she chooses. But during such an important festival, any unwed princes and princesses should be as active as possible.”

“Even if she really doesn’t like it?”

“Indeed,” he sighed, almost sounding disappointed. “There is no job that is without its burdens. I’m sad to say that includes even us royals. She must do her duty, like it or not.”

“Bloodbeak… When’s the last time you really spoke to her?” I asked.

“It is a fairly common occurrence, Navarone. It is a surprisingly small palace.”

“Alright. So when’s the last time you asked her what she thinks her duties are?”

“Never. She is a princess. She knows her duties.”

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “Her duties are to help her people.”

“If that were the case, she wouldn’t have even asked you to visit!”

“Oh.” Honestly, that was kinda hurtful.

Bloodbeak sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Navarone. That came out wrong. This illness…” He shivered a little. “Let me… rephrase that. She should not have asked you to win for her.”

“Bloodbeak, her way of helping her people isn’t by having a bunch of children. She wants to bring them wonders!”

“They aren’t interested in wonders. The majority of her advancements have been ignored.”

“Yeah, she has a really terrible marketing system. I’m gonna talk to her about that tonight on our date.” See? I can be mean and nasty too!

“That’s not fair,” Aqua said.

...Yeah, you’re right.

The king was smiling, though. “I deserved that. So I suppose I should ask… Why do you come back to court my daughter again? I thought you were not interested!”

“Oh, I’m not. I didn’t come here to court her. I came to visit a friend.”

He blinked in surprise. “Oh ho. So she scammed you into rigging this contest against me so she could get away with not having a date at all!”

“Well, no, actually,” I said, awkwardly running my neck.

“Oh?”

“Yeeeeaah. She kinda wanted it as a date. I didn’t realize that, so I agreed to help her. When I made it clear we were just friends it uh… got kinda awkward.”

“...Oh, so you have broken my daughter’s heart.”

“Look, I apologize. I didn’t mean to do it, I’m just an idiot.”

He glared at me in anger for a few grueling seconds before turning his glare to the captain of the guard. Finally, it eased back and he grinned. “I’m starting to remember why I like him. Er… her,” he finished with a nod in my direction.

“Yeah, I’m still not too happy about that change, honestly. I can mostly tolerate it, but it grates.”

He nodded. “You have my sympathies. I could never imagine a life cursed to be forever in skirts. You have borne it far better than I could.”

“It hasn’t been easy, but I’m… I suppose woman enough to take it.” Sometimes.

“Commendable. So if your intentions with my daughter are not romance-based, you were truly willing to go through such trouble to help her?”

“She asked me to,” I replied with a shrug. “I figured, you know, I could take down a few griffins and then get beat down pretty hard by a really tough one. That way, it would look like I gave it an honest try. And if I did win, I would happily do whatever she wanted for the date thing I won.”

“Oh. And what is this I hear about rubbing her belly?”

I sighed and ran one of my hands down my face. Honestly, I was really kinda a mess. Despite the efforts of Twilight or the tower mages, I was still covered in the blood of at least three different species, my own included. I was wreathed in sweat, despite the ridiculously low temperatures. Honestly, they probably both had to hide a flinch when they smelled me.

And that fucking weirdo flirted with me. “I’ve had a long, weird day. Please don’t worry about that.”

He stared at me for a few seconds longer before nodding. “I suppose that might be for the best.”

Someone knocked at the door. The king nodded at his guard, who looked to the door and called, “Come!”

The door instantly flung open and an extremely pissed off Matilda entered the room. Before she could start screaming, she noticed me. When she did, she froze and delivered me the most cruel glare I had gotten in quite some time. This one even beat Celestia when she learned I planned to kill her.

“You!” she finally hissed.

“Hey there buddy!” I happily said. “How was your day?” She just started grinding her beak. “Well, mine was fantastic! I got a pretty easy workout from some two-bit chumps. Now I just got one more to go before the princess is mine!”

The maid finally screeched and charged at me. I stood there, expecting Bloodbeak or the guard captain to do something. When I realized they weren’t going to, I suddenly jumped back. Or at least, I tried to, but my body was frozen in place.

“I think it’s time you learned your lesson about being antagonistic,” Aqua said. “Have fun. Twilight’s spells have worn off. I’m all you got!”

Right before the rampaging bitch slashed me, the king roared out, “HALT!” Matilda froze in place. “You forget that I am still alive, Matilda! I still rule And I do not let my servants attack family friends.”

She finally dropped her attack pose to stare at him in horror. “This… this beast is a friend to you?! She is the one who ruined your daughter’s big day!”

Bloodbeak sighed. “Matilda, I have been an old fool.”

“Your majesty! How could you say such a thing in front of this beast?!”

“Because this beast you refer to is one who could see something that I could not. She could see what my daughter truly wants. Or so she claims, anyway.”

“But what about her date? This thing cheated to ruin it!”

“And you destroyed the integrity of an ancient ceremony!”

“So did she!” Matilda screeched, pointing a scrawny talon at me.

“...And?” the king asked.

“Wait, what?” I asked.

The king sighed and shook his head. “Don’t play coy, Navarone. Come on.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Why do I get a pass for cheating?”

“Because that’s what you do, Navarone! You are such a wonderful agent of chaos! You always have a habit of turning everything on its head.”

“Always for the greater good!” I said. “I mean, come on, those festivals would have been boring without me.”

“More like always for your personal gain, little miss belly rub!”

“...I just wanna apologize for that again.”

Matilda sniffed in derision. “There’s no way Princess Gilda will keep her innocence if this thing has sole access to her! Look at it and tell me it isn’t vile!”

“Hey, I’m a lady,” I said with a fancy z-snap. She just stared at me in disgust. Eat shit, bitch.

“There you go spreading that chaos again,” Bloodbeak said with a chuckle. “You are right, Navarone. It’s always entertaining to be around you.”

“Yeah, it’s the curse of the incredibly ancient demon who murdered the entirety of my people and wants me to suffer eternally. That dude’s having himself a ball.”

“And he always has the most interesting jokes,” Bloodbeak said with a chuckle.

If only. “So why did you come barging in here, pal?”

“I’m not your pal, beast!”

“I’m not your b… Nevermind, I’m above this. Why are you here? I’m trying to visit a friend, in case you hadn’t realized.”

“This report is for the king’s ears only!”

“The king’s ear is open now,” Bloodbeak said. “Speak, Matilda.”

She flinched and turned her eyes to the king. “I… must report my failure, my liege.”

“You still have one shot,” the guard captain said. “It’s… a long shot, but it’s not a failure!”

“You know, yet,” I added. I love being petty to assholes.

“You’re disgusting,” Aqua hissed. That just made me feel all warm and fuzzy instead, until she got mad and made me chilled instead.

“So, do you think your chosen winner has no chance?” King Bloodbeak asked.

“He…” She glared sidelong at me for a moment before sighing and returning her gaze to the king. “He was defeated, my lord. I have failed you.”

“And I forgive you,” Bloodbeak said. “It was a mistake to ask you to help in the first place.”

“My lord, she needs a husband.”

Bloodbeak sighed, his face sagging slightly to age. “It is time I admit that my daughter is old enough to choose how she executes her duties. If she does not wish to conform to the norm, she must contribute another way. She has chosen to develop… technology!”

“For what?!” Matilda demanded. “Her subjects are not interested in a princess that willingly locks herself away! There’s no number of gadgets or gizmos that could satisfy them!”

Bloodbeak slowly grinned. “That’s the wonderful part, Matilda. Navarone is going to offer my daughter, his good friend, whatever she needs to make her technology take off.”

“Uh, say what now?” I asked. “I mean, I know I mentioned it, but—”

“I will say two things,” Bloodbeak very firmly stated. I immediately nodded. “You broke her heart.”

“Fair enough. I’ll help her. I don’t need to hear the second one.”

He narrowed his eyes and hissed, “Forbidden. Princess. Belly.”

“I already apologized for that at least twice!”

“You better apologize to her!”

“I was planning on it. I was also planning on offering her my help to get her tech going.”

“Good. Then you better go win that contest, young man.”

“Will do, sir,” I replied with a grin. Then I glared at Matilda and flipped her the double birds, then walked out with them raised in the air behind me. As soon as I got out the door, I immediately turned back around and walked in. “Look, just in case I don’t get the chance to say it again, I’ve enjoyed knowing you, sir.”

“I can say the same to you. Usually.”

A part of me started to leave, but another part of me stayed. I don’t know what it was, but something made me think back. “Bloodbeak… there’s always something I’ve kinda wanted to ask.”

“Now is the time for such questions, I’m sad to say,” he replied. “Please, ask.”

“Honestly, I just wanna confirm what I already know. There’s no way this could be true. But Princess Celestia told me something about you before I met you.”

“That I… molested children?” he quietly asked.

“...Yeah. I know she’s a liar. I just really need to hear you say it.”

The guard captain and Matilda sighed. The king slumped even further down into the bed. “It is… a half-truth.”

“Okay… So…?”

“My wife was far too young, but I needed that family’s support! Their other daughters were married and I had no choice. My only other option was a coup!”

“Oh. Then yeah dude, fair enough. That’s completely understandable.”

“I did nothing to her until she was of age, of course,” he said. “I had her virginity tested at a clinic to prove that I had not touched her.”

“Little bit too much detail, but good to know. Thank you for putting my mind at ease, and I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

He snorted. “There was a time I blamed myself for that rumor. My failures as a leader led me to such a point of desperation. But with your help, I realize Princess Celestia might be the one to blame. It’s been obvious as I looked back. Just trace the chaos in my land to her hoof.”

Well, at least Celestia’s raising as much chaos or more than I am.

“Not anymore,” Aqua sweetly said. “Thanks to yours truly!”

Uh huh. “I could absolutely see Celestia behind that,” I replied. “She was put in power by the same demon of chaos who killed my people and who now controls my strings.”

He stared at me in silence for a few moments before narrowing his eyes. “I can never tell when you’re being serious or not.”

“One hundred percent truth,” I said. “I’ve met him. His name is Discord. He’s a complete fucking asshole.”

We all heard an uncannily familiar humph. “I suppose that shows what you really think, then!” Discord grumpily said. He didn’t actually manifest anywhere, so I was hoping that was just his way of passing the time.

“Who’s there?!” the guard captain finally demanded.

Thankfully, no one replied. I decided to take it upon myself to say, “Discord. He does that sometimes.”

“...So you have been doing the bidding of a demon of chaos,” Bloodbeak asked.

“Purely on accident, I swear. I didn’t ask to be created!”

“We should arrest this beast at once!” Matilda shouted, jerking a talon my way.

“Yeah, well, sticks and stones may break my bones, but you’re a stupid bitch. So cry about it. Now let the man continue!”

It really looked like she was about to launch herself at me. She forced herself under control with a visible effort and finally turned back to the king, her face very tight. “I request permission to attend other duties, your majesty.”

“Granted,” Bloodbeak graciously said. “You may depart.” She bowed at him, then turned to begin walking away without another word.

“Have a nice day, friend!” I sweetly said as she left.

As she walked past me, she socked me as hard as she could in the stomach. Neither the guard nor the king said anything as she walked off, leaving me on the floor.

“Remember when I said that actions had consequences?” Aqua sweetly asked.

Fucking worth it, bitch! I haven’t gotten to be that mean in ages! Well, except to you.

“I detest what you are,” Aqua said. “Soon, you will too. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

I’ll make the most of it, bitch.

Bloodbeak finally chuckled. “How you doin’ down there, son?”

“G-good, sir,” I hissed. Say what you want about Matilda, but she was jacked! Without Twilight’s spells to protect me, her punch went right through me.

“You sure?” he asked. “I must say, that looked like it hurt.”

“Totally worth it,” I groaned as I finally tried sitting up. It worked, but barely. “When someone gives me attitude right out the gate, they’re not gonna have a fun time. Take your captain of the guard over here. Why don’t you tell him what happened when you tried it?”

Bloodbeak turned to his captain with a grin. “That sounds like a story. Go on, then.”

The captain blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I… may have made a few assumptions of… Navarone. She…”

“Tore you a new one?” I helpfully suggested.

“Indeed,” he sighed, looking down.

“Talk shit, get hit.”

Aqua snorted. “You’re such a child!”

The griffins both nodded, though. “That is absolutely correct, my friend,” Bloodbeak said. “You understand what it means to be a griffin.”

You know, I gotta say, I really wish I had ended up here first. Princess Gilda would have been the perfect first relationship for me. And with the two of us working together, we could have revolutionized this place entirely within three or so years.

“But you don’t get nice things,” Aqua replied. “At least, not according to you.”

I ignored her and replied to the king with, “Thank you, sir.”

“Now, I must finally say farewell,” Bloodbeak said. “I’m a very old man, Nav. I weary easily.”

“I understand,” I replied. “Goodbye, my friend.”

“Do your people believe in some manner of life after this?” he asked before I could turn.

“Some of us. There were a lot of different ideas.”

“...Ah, yes. Your religions. Do you follow one?”

“Once upon a time.”

He was silent for a moment before quietly sighing. “Was its afterlife nice?”

“One of them, yeah. The other option… not so much.”

“Oh? How do I enter the good one?”

That one took me a moment. There’s no way I could really explain all the mythology to him. Finally, I settled on the age-old response of, “Were you a good man?”

It took him some time to answer that. Finally, after much thought, he quietly replied, “I am not so sure. I like to think so, but I have made poor decisions.”

“Did you own them? Did you change your ways? Did you make amends?”

“Always,” he firmly replied.

“Then you have lived the life of the righteous. Eternal glory awaits you, my friend.”

He chuckled. “It is a fond hope.”

“...Yeah, it is.”

“Then I hope to find you there someday.”

“I’m afraid not,” I replied. “I’m going straight to the bad end.”

He smirked. “The attitude of the young, I see. Well, never forget that you are a hero, Navarone. And you were there for an old man when he needed somebody to speak to. Farewell.”

“Farewell.” Way to drag it on, dude. Aqua actually slapped me for that, but I hid it by finally turning to leave. I walked out the doors, leaving the two of them there.

Of course, that meant I had no idea where the fuck I was. Since I didn’t look even remotely like a lady anyway, I just hopped out a window like a hooligan and started flying back to the huge dome. There were now even more spectators flying above it, so finding the place was easy.

I got above the dome just as a match ended. The griffin who lost had one of his legs twisted off and was bleeding out on the ground. The medical guys were trying, but there was no saving that damage. They had him under a white sheet before I landed next to a stoic Gilda and a horrified Twilight.

“Did you see that?!” Twilight hissed.

“I saw the aftermath.”

Twilight found herself at a loss for words, so Gilda took over. “It appears that my father has resorted to his own magical treachery. Twilight, you must recast your spells! I will not lose to him!”

“That’s not your father’s guy,” I said. “He lost a few rounds ago. I was there when Matilda told the king.”

They were both silent for some time before Twilight cleared her throat. “That person must really want to go on a date with you,” she said.

“Or he’s a highly trained and magically assisted assassin here to kill you,” I added with a shrug. “You know, whichever.”

“Do you truly think this could be an assassin?” Gilda asked.

“It’s your life,” I replied. “I defer that to your judgment. It’s a moot point since I’m gonna win, but still.”

“Right,” Gilda said. “Because you want to rub my forbidden princess belly.”

“...Look, I’d like to take a moment to apologize about that. It was the heat of the moment, I had to say something, and it just came out. Remember, I’m kind of an idiot about some things.”

“Some?” Gilda asked in disbelief.

“Hey, I’m doing you a favor. Show some gratitude.”

She snorted. “There are only two more rounds left in this bracket, Navarone. Then you have an hour. If this is an assassin, you will likely be my last line of defense.”

“I don’t plan on letting you down.”

She grinned. “Thank you. I suppose I could get used to calling you friend. You’ll need to apologize a lot, though.”

“Yeah, probably. Thanks for putting up with it anyway. I don’t know how everyone else does.”

“It’s easier than you think,” Twilight replied, swishing her tail at me.

“I hope so,” Gilda sighed. The next round was finally starting, so she shut up so we could watch.

This match was a fairly standard one. Both griffins were very tough, but neither were obviously cheating. It ended after a few minutes of fairly cliche griffin fighting.

“Your fights were much more exciting,” one of the guards happily said. When Gilda didn’t reprimand him, he giggled and added, “And you should have seen her majesty’s face while you fought, my lady!”

Gilda very, very slowly turned to glare at this guy. He kept his smile up until he noticed, at which point it immediately dropped. “Perhaps you need to be reminded of a guard’s place?” Gilda asked.

“You can’t be the only one who gets to break the mold,” I said. “That’s just not fair.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gilda said.

“If you were doing what you were supposed to do, you wouldn’t be asking me to rig this tournament. You’d be celebrating in the streets with everyone else. Instead, you get to hide in your lab, doing your own thing. You shouldn’t stomp on anyone else who’s trying to be different.”

“Hmph. So I suppose you view your role as friend is to give me unwanted advice.”

“Yep,” Twilight said. “To be fair, it’s usually good advice. It just took me too long to realize it. It’s okay to allow your guards to speak to you. Princess Celestia does it all the time.”

“And more importantly, so do I,” I said.

Gilda snorted and turned her gaze back to the arena. The next two competitors were entering the ring. One of them was the dude who just tore off someone’s leg. His opponent looked understandably concerned, but awkwardly said, “G-good luck!”

“Good bye,” the other fellow coldly replied. The other guy actually gulped.

“BEGIN!” the peacock dude shouted.

Neither of them moved. The cheater just coldly stared at his victim. Finally, his opponent sprinted forward. The bad guy jumped forward and headbutted the charging one, sending him straight to the ground. Instead of just leaving him there, the bastard walked up next to him and used one of his cat legs to stomp down on his neck. It made a horrific cracking noise. Twilight immediately squeaked and grabbed my arm.

Now that his victim had been dealt with, the assassin turned his eyes directly toward me. There was nothing in his gaze. No hate, no anger. Just a cold darkness. He looked away when the medics got to him, but I got the message.

The guy walked out of the dome and disappeared into the crowd.

“What do we know about him?” I asked.

“Nothing,” Gilda said. “He’s brutally taken down several of his opponents, though.”

“Is there any way we can look him up?” I asked. “You guys did a census, right?”

“There is,” Gilda said. “I can have records searched.”

“If you want, Twilight and I can talk to him,” I said. “She can use a lie detecting spell.”

“Not admissible in court,” Gilda said. “Magic is mistrusted here.”

Go figure. “Then I’ll just cheat harder,” I said. “Twilight, do you know any potion recipes?”

“I can make a very basic healing potion, but that’s it. However, I do have some spells we haven’t tested yet. They’re from uh… Grogar’s book.”

“Oooh, that sounds fun! What all can we do?”

“Hm…” She tapped her chin a few times, thinking. “Infernal strength, maybe? Definitely drain energy. Death’s chill would be too obvious… Oh, I can use Bind!”

“Sounds good,” I said. “We’ll wait until it’s closer to time, though.”

“You got it, Navi,” she said with a grin. “I honestly figured you would want to know what they did, though.”

“I’m better off not knowing, I think. I’ll just take your word that they’ll be useful.”

“I wish I could be more helpful,” Gilda sighed. “I have asked a dangerous favor of you, and there is no way I can assist you.”

Twilight smirked. “You’re giving him something to work toward. If she wins, she gets to rub—”

“Shut it,” I said. Gilda sighed in disgust and Twilight giggled. “So what are we gonna do for an hour while we wait?”

“Maybe you should go back to the room and get a shower,” Twilight said. “I don’t mind staying here with the princess.”

“That is not necessary,” Gilda said. “You may go with your special… somehuman.”

“You sure?” Twilight asked. “If there is an assassin about, you’d be safer with me here.”

“I have plenty of guards. I do not fear an assassin. Take Nav to get a shower. I will not have that offensive odor on our date.”

“Then let’s go,” Twilight said, spreading her wings. She slowly sped up into the air.

“I really am sorry about what I said,” I awkwardly said. “My mind was elsewhere and it just slipped out.”

She sighed and hung her head. “I suppose these newspapers will have material for a while.”

“Yeah…” I sighed and joined Twilight in the air. We flew back toward our new hotel. Thankfully, it was close to the palace, so it didn’t take us long.

Griffins were gaping at us as we walked through the common area, but no one said anything. Such sights probably aren’t that uncommon during the festival. We got up to our room without incident. Both of us sighed in relief. “I can honestly say, I wasn’t expecting any of what happened today,” I said.

“It’s certainly been a unique one. What did the king have to say?”

“He apologized for cheating and thanked me for being a friend to his daughter. He also mentioned that Celestia and I were both agents of chaos, so I told him about Discord. He didn’t have much to say about it.”

“How’s he doing?”

“Not good. That might be the last time I ever see him.”

“That’s a shame,” she sighed. “I know you really liked him.”

“Yeah, well… That’s life, I guess. He’s old, so it’s not unexpected. I’m honestly more worried about what’s coming after he dies.”

“Gilda’s still worried about a possible coup?”

“Yep,” I said with a nod. “And so am I. I’m gonna get her to introduce me to her oldest brother at some point. I’ll offer my help if anything happens.”

“Be careful,” she said. “I know you like Bloodbeak, but getting involved in a civil war might not be wise.”

“A civil war is a perfect playground for Discord. Worse, it cuts the Crystal Empire off from any kind of support. This place must be stable.”

She sighed and nodded. “Alright, fair enough. At least we’ll have the support of the elementals. They’ll surely want a stable country anyway.”

I wanted to tell her that they could fuck off, but Aqua used my mouth to say, “Good. It’s about time we got a better relationship with them.”

“Even after what happened with Flo?” Twilight asked.

“Flo is one elemental. It’s time we got to really know the rest.”

“True. Still, I hope it never becomes necessary.”

“Me too,” Aqua let me say. “Now, I’m gonna go get cleaned up. I’m tired of feeling crusty.”

“Want some company?” she sweetly asked.

“Hell no. There’s barely enough room in there for me and this stupid fucking tail. You would freeze your ass off.”

“Ugh, fine. But you’re giving me those nuzzles when you get out! And a belly rub!”

“Sounds good. See you soon.” I started dropping clothes as I went to the bathroom.

When I got to the door, my foot froze. “Wait,” Aqua said.

...Why?

“Tripwire.” I looked down at the bottom of the door and saw an extremely fine string across it. I pulled the foot back.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked.

“There’s a tripwire in the door of the bathroom,” I said. “Someone broke in and set up a trap.”

She used magic to pull me away from the door and whispered, “Cover your ears.” I did so. Her horn lit up and a burst of sound shot into the bathroom. The tripwire sprung, shooting three jagged metal spikes where I would have been standing. Nothing else happened, so I assumed there was no one in there.

“Think we can get a room at the palace?” I asked.

“I’ll start packing. You go ask Gilda. I’ll meet you at the palace.”

“Be careful. There’s no telling what other kinds of traps there might be.”

A cute little grin split her face. “You might wanna go now, Navi. It’s about to get really loud in here.”

“Ah. See you soon.” She had things covered and kissing her would be mean since I was disgusting, so I reluctantly put my nasty clothes back on and left. As soon as the door closed, a purple aura covered the whole wall. Nothing else interesting happened, so I just left, walking back down to the lobby.

When I got to the bottom floor and started walking out, the owner’s wife waylaid me. “Ah, Lady Navarone?” she cautiously said.

“Yes?” I asked, reluctantly stopping.

“Is… everything alright? You’re… Well, I’m worried about you.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “I was fighting in the tournament earlier and was coming here to get a shower before going back out. Turns out someone broke into my room and boobytrapped it, though, so I’m gonna go ask Princess Gilda for a room in the palace. So we’ll probably be checking out soon.”

“Someone… b-broke in and… WHAT?!”

“Put a trap in it. A pretty nasty one, too. Probably would have killed either me or Twilight if I hadn’t noticed it. Anyway, I really want a shower, so I gotta go. See you around, ma’am.”

Her face went through several emotions before I finally looked away and kept going. I almost got out before she mustered a response, but I just ignored what she shouted at me as I left and took off as soon as I got outside.

“Do you ever remember that you’re supposed to be working on your reputation?” Aqua asked.

“Yeah, all the time. My reputation is as a liar. So I’m just gonna tell the whole truth all the time.”

Aqua sighed. “Once again, I am reminded that I am doing the right thing. You are obviously incapable of being on your own. All you do is hurt and shock people for your own amusement.”

“I like sharing my opinion. More people in this world need to get called on their bullshit.”

“Yourself included, even if you ignore it.”

“Oh, no, I fully admit to being a piece of shit. And at times, I do need guidance. But I don’t think a fucking slaver piece of shit is in any position to tell me how to live my life.”

She snorted. “Stubborn fool.”

I know you’re the bad guy because you called me fool.

“I AM NOT THE BAD GUY!”

Screams the bad guy.

“You’re really gonna enjoy your wedding, Navi. You get to be the submissive partner!”

If you make it that long. You’re already starting to crack. How much longer do you think until Twilight notices?

“I know you better than you know yourself. I could take over completely and no one could tell the difference. And you know what? Even if they did notice, they’d probably prefer it. Because you’re right about one thing, Nav. Not many people actually like you. They’re happy when you do what they want, but once you start fighting back…?”

“My people are loyal to me,” I coldly said.

“Oh? I was in Twilight for quite some time, Nav. There were times she hated you. And more than that, there were times she feared you. If you continue to revert back to what you think you prefer, you’ll lose her.”

“Then it wasn’t meant to be. The others are mostly sworn to me anyway.”

“Relationships require compromise,” she said. “Think of what she has given up for you!”

“Alright, give me examples.”

It took her a second. “She put up with you all those years you were an insufferable baby.”

“She’s the one who cast the spell to bring me here. It was her duty to put up with me, so you can’t count that against me.”

This time it took her a bit longer. Finally, she said, “She paid everything for you for years.”

“Money she got doing nothing. And I earned my keep working in the library and getting experimented on.”

“Stop being so contrarian! You know I’m right, you just refuse to admit it!”

“Fuck off.” She screamed in frustration, but didn’t say anything else. Woo, point for me!

“Expect retribution when you return to me,” she coldly replied.

Yeah, okay buddy. She fucked off after that, so I continued in silence.

The dome wasn’t that much farther. The last contest was already over, but they were still cleaning up body parts. It looked like the dude had been torn apart by a bomb. What the everloving fuck.

“I will fight this one for you,” Aqua said. “He will be too dangerous for you alone. I will fight any battle for you if you are actually in danger. But battles of pride are your own unless you make concessions.”

Alright, I can accept that. But at least give me the option to fight for myself.

“We’ll see.” She shut up again as I descended to Gilda, who was actually staring at the arena, concern across her face.

She didn’t notice when I landed next to her. After a few seconds, I placed my hand on her back and she flinched away, turning to me with fear in her eyes. She sighed in relief when she saw it was me. “Nav…”

“What the hell happened?” I asked.

“It was… monstrous,” she said, shivering. “That beast ripped him to shreds like it was nothing!”

“Wow. That’s not good. So, listen, our hotel room was booby trapped. I was—”

“It was trapped?! Are you both alright?”

“Yeah, we’re good. I was wondering if we could get a room at the palace so I can take a shower. I figure it’ll be harder to sneak in there.”

“Of course! Whatever you need, Nav! Tell me everything.”

“I really need a shower.”

“You were almost killed!”

God dammit. “Ugh, fine, Jesus.” I described the event completely, since she was being so whiny about it. When I was done, I nodded. “There. Now can I go?”

She didn’t look too happy with my attitude, but I wasn’t too happy with her forcing me to stay. After a few moments to collect herself, she nodded. “Yes. One of the guards will accompany you and get you a room, then find the captain. They’ll have your hotel room searched and the patrons questioned. After what just happened, I believe it’s safe to say we can’t chance this thing winning. He must be found and arrested.”

“Does that mean the last round is cancelled?” I asked.

“Yes,” Gilda said.

“Hell yes. Fuck the shower then. I’m taking a bath.”

She rolled her eyes. I didn’t want to stand there anymore, so I finally took off. One of the guards caught up with me quickly and we both flew to the palace. Twilight was waiting for us at the entrance, all of our bags sitting next to her. “How did it go?” she asked.

“Good. The last round is cancelled because Gilda’s arresting the dude. He completely ripped his previous opponent apart.”

She gasped in shock. “W-what are we gonna do?”

“I’m gonna go take a fucking bath. You go nuts. We’re staying in the palace now, so have fun.”

“It’s certainly a step up,” she said with a grin. The guard finally started leading us inside. He took us to a servant and got us going to a free room.

We passed Matilda on the way there. I grinned and waved. She squawked at me, but didn’t hit me this time. That might have had something to do with Twilight, who was giving her a real stink-eye.

Finally, we got to Princess Gilda’s section of the palace. Every single one of the spare bedrooms was empty, since she didn’t have any vassals or close servants. We picked the biggest one and dropped all our shit on its floor.

“I think this will do nicely,” Twilight said when the servant was gone. “Maybe Princess Gilda will let me take a closer look at her lab.”

“I’m sure she’d be happy to. I’m pretty sure she hates me now.”

She nodded. “Yeah, maybe. Enjoy that belly rub, Nav. It’ll probably be the only one you get from her.”

“Yeah… Oh well. Anyway, time to get clean.” I finally started dropping clothes again. Before I got to the bathroom door, I stopped. Since there were assassins about, I decided I didn’t care to enter the bathroom unarmed. I grabbed one of the naga daggers and carried it into the bathroom. Twilight snorted, but didn’t say anything.

I took a quick shower and scrubbed off all the gunk first. As soon as I got the worst of it off, I started the bath and dumped some bubble bath stuff in it. Soon enough, I was surrounded in a warm cocoon of water and bubbles. Shit was dope.

Getting clean took priority, so I quickly scrubbed off further, finally getting all the bullshit off me. When I was good and clean, I leaned back and just relaxed.

“You know, water elementals can act the same as a warm bath,” Aqua said. “I’ll be delighted to do it for you whenever you ask.”

“Don’t hold your breath.”

She sighed in disappointment. “I just want your love, Nav. Is that really so much to ask?”

“Yes it is, body-snatcher.”

She snorted and muttered, “So ungrateful!”

I suppose she realized that I really needed some time off, because she finally shut up. My mind drifted back to thinking about my day. It had certainly been an interesting one. That said, it was also a very good one. Fighting like that was… invigorating!

It had been a while since I had some fire in my blood. And treating Matilda like absolute shit was just the cherry on top! It’s been too long since I just let myself tear into someone. The captain of the guard, Bloodbeak, Matilda, Twilight, Gilda… It had been a long day.

And I still had a really awkward date left to go. I slid further into the bath, so my mouth was covered, and started blowing bubbles.

“Child,” Aqua muttered. I ignored her.

The bath felt nice, but my own company was honestly starting to grate. I had a lot on my mind and being alone didn’t feel right.

Just as I was starting to think that, Twilight came in. “How you doing?” she asked.

“Much better,” I said. “You wanna take your turn?”

“Nah, I just used magic to clean myself up. I’m gonna go help Princess Gilda track this griffin down. I just wanted to let you know I was gonna be gone.”

Before I could tell her that I’d be happy to join her, Aqua took over my mouth and said, “I’ll be here when you’re done. I’m afraid those fights made the cramps kick in worse. I need some time to relax.”

“Then I’ll let you to it, Navi,” she said. “I’ll cast a ward on the outside door handle. If anyone touches it, an alarm will sound.”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you later tonight, Twiley,” Aqua said.

“Yep! Be careful, Nav. There’s no telling where that assassin might end up.”

“I’m not worried.”

She grinned. “Me either.” With that, she happily trotted out, closing the door behind her.

So why can’t I go with her?

“What makes you think that assassin is here for Gilda? This would be a great chance to take you out. The assassin stared at you earlier, not Gilda. And he booby-trapped your room. I think he’s after you, not Gilda.”

“Then why the hell did you let Twilight leave?”

“Because now he thinks you’re alone. That makes him more likely to strike. Then I will take control of you, enter his mind, and find out why he’s trying to kill you. Then I might turn him into an ally.”

Oh. So, convert and not kill?

“He’s trying to kill you. There is no room for mercy. If his skills could be valuable to us, he will become my new tool.”

“...Okay.”

That information made relaxing difficult, but I still did my best. It was going pretty swell until an unholy shrieking noise filled the air. I lost control instantly as Aqua vaulted out of the water. Every drop of water sucked into my skin and was then disgustingly vomited out back into the tub. As soon as I was dry, Aqua grabbed the dagger. The bathroom door swung open and sure enough, the big bad griffin was on the other side.

“I’m sure you’re wondering—” Aqua launched herself at him. He jumped back into the main room to give himself room to maneuver. I guess she wasn’t interested in hearing what he had to say. He lifted one of his talons and a dagger magically appeared in it. We were done talking, it seemed.

Aqua began circling the room. He stood his ground, but turned to face us. When we finally got to the bed, Aqua grabbed one of the open bags on it and hurled it at the guy. As soon as it left my hands, we sprinted forward behind it. The guy jumped out of the way and stabbed forward with his dagger. Aqua twisted aside at the last second so she could continue forward. As soon as she was in range, she slapped my empty hand down on his face and everything went black.

Soon enough, all three of us appeared in my dream realm. “Here we are,” Aqua sweetly said. “Now then, who are you?”

“I am Doomcrest,” the assassin calmly replied.

“Are you an assassin?” Aqua asked.

“Yes.”

“Are you here to kill Navarone?”

“Yes.”

“Who sent you?” I asked.

“I was hunting a bounty from the dogs in China. I do not know who placed it, but I know where to collect.”

“Sounds familiar,” Aqua said. “I will rip all of the intelligence out of his mind and then put him to use.”

“How?” I asked.

“None of your business.” A few seconds later, the guy disappeared from the dreamscape. Aqua nodded. “Just goes to show how bad you are at making friends,” she said. “You really need to work on your people skills.”

I woke up after that. The assassin was nowhere to be found and I was back in the tub. Twilight appeared an instant after I came to and asked, “What happened to the alarm? It wasn’t set when I got back.”

“A maid came in,” Aqua said. “She didn’t realize this room was in use.”

“That’s a relief,” she sighed. “The guards are turning up nothing, too. The fellow just vanished.”

“He probably assumed his time was up when his trap failed,” I said. “I’m sure he’s long gone now.”

“I hope so. But apparently, instead of cancelling the last round, they’re going to put you up against the next runner up. You’ll need to head that way soon.”

“God dammit,” I sighed as I pulled myself out of the tub. “Can you dry me off, please?” Her horn lit up and all the water on me rolled off and onto the floor, where she steamed it.

When I stepped back into the room, I saw that she had magically cleaned my clothes before she left. I quickly got dressed again and then grabbed the dagger so I could wear it across my back.

“Do you really think you’ll need that?” Twilight asked.

“No. I’d just rather have it anyway.”

She shrugged and we carried on our way. “Do you still want the cheating spells?” she asked.

“We’ve come too far now to lose. Don’t give me anything necromantic, but give me enough to make it easy.”

“You got it.” Her horn lit up and its light hit me. “You should have no problem taking another normal griffin.”

“Good.” The journey back to the dome was uneventful and I got there with a few minutes to spare.

“So my champion has returned,” Gilda said when we landed next to her.

“Yep, and I’m much cleaner now,” I said. “So apparently I still got one more griffin to beat up.”

“Indeed,” Gilda replied. “Then this farce can be over and I can return to my workshop.”

Well, until our date, anyway. I didn’t want to upset her, so I didn’t say that part. “Twilight was wondering if you could show her around your workshop,” I said.

“Very well,” Gilda said. “I suppose showing off some of what I have created will be amusing. It will also give my date time to prepare a better outfit.”

“Why you gotta be hatin’?” I asked.

“I don’t know what that phrase means and I am not interested in learning. Emulating human machines is enough for me.”

“Chillax, girlie. Why you always gotta be castin’ shade? You really need to back up off my grill!”

Gilda completely ignored me and turned back to the dome. Twilight was watching with utter fascination, though. “I’ve never heard so many of those! What do they mean, Navi?”

“Be calm, my female friend. Why do you always show a lack of interest in me and insult who I am? Please stop teasing me so much, it’s hurting my feelings.”

Twilight giggled. “It’s so sincere when you boil it down! Now I see why you use your human slang so much! You’re afraid of showing emotion, so you hide it behind slang so we don’t realize you’re doing it!”

“Bitch, is you smokin’ crack?”

“Let me see… That one means ‘My friend, are you thinking correctly? Your logic seems flawed.’ That’s a kind sentiment, Nav, but it just goes to show I’m right. You’re concerned about me, so you hide it behind slang!”

Aqua giggled. “She’s right, you know.”

Bitch better back up off me! She patted me on the head, of course. “You’re delusional,” I said.

“You’re very defensive,” Gilda said, turning her gaze back to me. “Why is that, I wonder?”

“She thinks everyone’s gonna hurt her,” Twilight said. “Or worse, that she’ll hurt them!”

I wanted to call her on that bullshit, but Aqua forced me to say, “She’s right. It’s something I’ve been working on.”

“Honesty at last,” Gilda said with a smirk. “Just in time, too.”

Twilight and I looked over to the dome, where the peacock was finally starting to squawk for attention. Everyone looked back up to him and I started walking to the cage.

Most of the griffins I passed made a point to touch me. It was a strange gesture of respect, but I didn’t say anything about it. However, when I was about halfway there, someone grabbed my arm and pulled me down. “If you lose, I’ll make you rich.”

“I’m not taking any kind of offer without a legal paper contract, so fuck right off.” I jerked away and kept going. The dude probably wanted me to throw the game so he could win a bet. I kinda wish I had thought to make bets on myself, because there’s no way anyone would have bet on me against the dragon.

I met the other fellow at the gate. He honestly wasn’t much. If I had to guess, I’d say he was some kind of mercenary. “Greetings, Lady Navarone,” he said with a bow.

“Howdy. I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but do you wanna save yourself an asskicking? Like, I’m sure you’re tough and all, but I just beat a dragon. I’ll be happy to put you down if you want, but I’m sure no one would blame you for just walking away.”

He stared at me for a few long seconds before nodding. “A buddy of mine bet me I wouldn’t join. He didn’t say nothin’ about winning. I say I proved him wrong. I saw what you did to the others and no thanks. I yield.”

I held out my hand for him. He met it with a grin, shook it once, and walked out into the crowd. Each and every one of them understood that decision, but they were still kinda disappointed.

“IT SEEMS WE HAVE A WINNER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” the peacock shouted. “And I must say, it’s quite a unique one! Never before has a female from another species won before! And with such a show! Your fights will be for the legend books, my lovely Lady Navarone!” He finally shot a talon out toward Princess Gilda. “Your prize, my lady!”

Gilda looked insulted by that, but turned toward me anyway. I made my way back to her, the crowd before me parting. Once I got there, she quietly sighed before calling out, “You have won the right to a chance at my heart, great warrior. I suggest you use that chance wisely.”

I lifted one of my hands and wiggled my fingers. Her face turned bright pink. “Trust me, I’m gonna,” I said with a wink. The news people finally took their chance to take pictures. I’m sure the front page of the paper would be either Gilda looking up in red-faced shock at the cameras or her having to be held back by her guards from hitting me while I laughed at her.

Aqua was not pleased, which made it even better.

When Twilight and I got back to our rooms, we found an extremely upset maid in our room. “Oh, Matilda,” I said with a grin. “I didn’t realize you had been assigned as our maid! Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!”

“I am not your maid!” she hissed. “You will receive no service while you are here! You are not welcome in this castle, beast!”

“Tell that to your princess,” I said with a smirk. She glared at me in pure hatred before stalking off past us. “Might wanna do it soon, though! We’re going on a date tonight!”

She screeched and threw herself at me, but Twilight slammed the door in her face. “You’re having way too much fun with this,” she sighed.

“She makes it so easy!”

Her eyes rolled. “Whatever. So what are you gonna do on your date?”

“I dunno, whatever she wants? I assume she had something in mind when she asked me to win.”

“Yeah, before you broke her heart. Not that I’m complaining, of course. The less competition I have, the better.”

“I dunno, I guess I’ll just rub her belly. The date doesn’t have to be long. I think she hates me at this point anyway. So I’ll probably just rub it and leave.”

“This could be your chance to make up for being so mean to her today.”

“She asked me to do her a favor! It’s not my fault she doesn’t like how I’ve done it.”

“You were teasing her the whole time!”

“...Not the whole time.”

She shook her head sadly as she walked over to the bed. “At least this one is nicer than the one in the hotel.” When she jumped into it, a cloud of dust shot out, making her cough. “W-what on earth?”

“Gilda doesn’t get many visitors,” I said. “And her chief maid just said we’re not getting any service.”

“Well… shoot!” Her horn lit up and all the dust disappeared. “I gotta say, this vacation has been quite a mixed bag!”

“Yeah, that it has,” I said. “Truth be told, I’m eager to get home.” Minus all the vague threats from Miss Bitchy Britches.

“I’m kinda feelin’ the same. I mean, I am having fun, but I kinda like having you more to myself.”

“Right? You wanna just drop the act and enjoy the festival together?”

“Sure, though there’s not much left. We’ll have to keep an eye out for that assassin, though. He might want revenge.”

“I don’t think we need to worry about him,” I said. “I’m pretty sure he knew he was outmatched. That’s why he ran.”

“Maybe. Anyway, I’m gonna go find the princess. Maybe she’ll be in the mood to show me her lab!”

“Have fun,” I said. “I’m probably just gonna chill here.”

“‘Kay. I’ll come let you know when you need to start preparing for the date.”

“Cool beans. See you.” She nodded and finally left. I pulled my dagger, shirt, and bra off, then hopped into bed. “Today’s been a pretty alright day.”

“The fact that you consider this anything other than a complete and total haunting failure is horrific. You have behaved like an animal. And you’re proud of it!”

“Most of the griffins loved it, too. I think you’re just biased.”

“I think you’re just mental! At this point, I’m just making a list of everything that’s going to have to change when you get back to Canterlot. I’m going to enjoy breaking you into the perfect little wife.”

“Yeah, okay buddy.”

“Your acceptance of it is warming. Don’t think I’ll let you resist, Nav. You will learn to obey me with a smile on your face.”

“I’ll beat you, Aqua. I’m the main character, after all.”

That made her chuckle, of course. “You are so delusional, Nav. Truly, such a child! I can’t believe you lasted this long without guidance.”

She was gonna keep being a butt, so I started ignoring her and just relaxed on the bed.

Time to decompress was just what I needed. When Twilight finally got back, I felt more like myself again. It was nice. “You said it right,” Twilight sighed as she walked in. “Princess Gilda is a genius!”

“Yeah, she sure is. Kind of a bitch sometimes, though.”

“Sometimes,” she replied with a shrug. “But I do understand why. Part of what kept me away from other ponies as a foal is that many of them weren’t at my intelligence or maturity level. I couldn’t imagine being surrounded by griffins who not only weren’t at my intelligence level, but actively mocked me for being smarter. Griffins are supposed to be tough fighters, not thinkers.”

“Fair enough. Still, you’d think she would chill out now that she’s found some people she can actually talk to.”

“Yeah, she thought that, too. Then you ruined any hope she had of being with you and started embarrassing her in front of everyone.”

“Well, what would you say if you were fighting a fucking dragon in… I dunno, hoof to claw combat?”

“Uh… nothing? You don’t have to talk to your opponents, Nav.”

“Yeah, but it’s fun.”

She sighed and shook her head. “I still remember your fight with Sombra…”

“I was not expecting that guy to be so good at smack talk. It was the first time I ever felt… inadequate.”

“Well, you still won.” She finally walked over and hopped up onto the bed with me, then slid on top of me with her face right over me. “You know, with my help.”

“I was doing pretty good on my own. Right up until he started cheating, anyway.”

“And then I got to be your… what was it, purple guardian angel?” The smirk on her face was just too cute.

“Something like that,” I said with a shrug.

Apparently she had waited long enough and finally leaned in to nuzzle me. When she had her fill of nose-on-nose, she started rubbing her cheek against mine. “That was when we finally started getting along again, wasn’t it?”

“I’d say it was Athena’s book of horrors,” I replied. “Getting forced to work together like that was good for us.”

“Hm, true. And then Celestia’s letter, of course.”

I snorted. “Celestia’s fucking letter. I wonder if she knows how much the girls hate her now.”

“We all know our duty, Nav,” she replied with a sigh, finally pulling away. “Now we know that we serve not only Equestria, but the entire world. Discord must be stopped. Even if… even if he did create the Elements of Harmony… We have to do something! None of us could just go back to our lives, Nav. This is more important.”

“Yeah but… You gotta hate her by now, right? Haven’t you seen enough?”

She sighed and looked away. It gave me the perfect shot, so I finally reached up and hugged her, pulling her down so I could rub my cheek against hers. She actually nickered in surprise, which was completely adorable.

When she got over her embarrassment, she pulled back. “Nav… I was trying to make this cute and innocent! If you keep acting like that, it’s gonna get naughty.”

“First off, don’t ever threaten me with a good time. Except actually don’t in this case, because I’m honestly not feelin’ it at the moment.”

“Aww… Okay.” She fell back down onto me and continued rubbing her cheek against mine. “By the way, the princess is getting ready for your date. You are to meet her in her chambers in one hour. Well, that was about fifteen minutes ago, so in forty-five minutes.”

“Oh.”

“That’s why I’m rubbing my scent all over you. I don’t want her getting any ideas.”

“Wow. Okay. So listen, I kinda need to get ready.”

“Hm?” she sweetly replied, hugging me tighter. She moved her head lower and I could feel her breathing heavily against my chest as she nuzzled my neck.

God dammit. “Twilight?”

“Ooh, sorry. You just smell so good! I don’t know what it is, but all that… sweat and musk! I’m sorry dear, but you might be a little bit late for your date!” I grabbed her horn and pulled her away. “On second thought, I think I’ll give you some space!” I let her go. She rolled away from me with a disappointed sigh. “...Tease.”

“I’ll give you an Australian kiss when I get back tonight,” I said, finally rolling off the bed.

“What is that?”

“A kiss down under.”

“Oh. We call that a Tartaran kiss.”

“...Right. Whatever. Point is, I’ll eat you out when I get back. But that’s it for tonight. I’m really just not feelin’ it.”

“I’m okay with the blood, Nav,” she said. “And it’s obvious our hormones are compatible! This could be a lot of fun, if you just let it.”

“No.”

It was obvious she wanted to keep trying, but she sighed and just said, “Then thank you for eating me out.”

“Happy to help. Sorry I can’t do more, but today’s just been a day, you know?”

“I know full well,” she sighed. “It’s just hard, with me in heat.”

“Having been a mare in heat, I can promise you that you’ll live. Now, can you get all this purple hair off of me?”

She giggled and shook her head. “I’ll get it before you leave, silly. That way, the scent will have longer to stick in.”

“I’m gonna take a shower and change, actually. I just didn’t want hair everywhere.”

“Hm… good idea,” she said with a nod. “It’s better that you don’t have the day’s musk on you. If she smells that, she might be all over you!”

“Right.” And it means I don’t have your stench all over me. I finally started peeling the rest of my clothes off. I gotta say, it felt good to be free.

When I stopped to stretch, Twilight quietly said, “Keep going…”

“You skank.” I kept going though, because I like teasing her. I left a trail of clothes to the bathroom, finally entering it fully nude. Thankfully, my weird pseudo-marefriend kept her mouth shut.

“Now wasn’t that adorable?” Aqua sweetly asked.

“Kinda creepy, actually,” I replied. “She reminded me a little of you.”

“Then how could that possibly be creepy?” she asked. “You should be happy!”

After a horribly long argument in the shower, I finally deemed myself clean again. I also confirmed once and for all that Aqua is completely insane.

Not that, you know, I really doubted it.

When I got out of the shower, I wrapped myself in as many towels as I could find to ward off the chill, then went back into the bedroom. Twilight was rolling around on the bed, which was covered in all of my spare clothing.

As soon as she noticed me, she rolled my way with a huge grin. “Need some help drying off, Navi?”

“Dude, what the fuck?” I asked.

“I got the impression she was going to make a move on you,” she huffily replied. “So I want to remind her you’re taken!”

“Didn’t you say griffins got off to prey animals being submissive cheating sluts?”

She stared at me in silence for a few seconds before her eyes shot wide open and a huge blush crossed her face. “What have I done?!”

“Been a silly filly,” I said. “Now get the fuck off my clothes. I kinda need to wear them.” She jumped right down, then her horn lit up. “No, leave it,” I said.

“W-what?!”

“You can clean the hair off after I get in them, but the scent stays.”

“Why?!”

“Because you accused me of being unfaithful.”

She sat there in silence for a few seconds before lifting an eyebrow. “What?”

“Sorry, that sounded better in my head. I have said a lot of stupid stuff today.”

“Yeah. You have.”

“Point is, you acted like I didn’t have a choice to sleep with Gilda. If it happens, it happens because I let it happen. And I’ve already made my opinion of Gilda pretty clear.”

She sniffed. “Fine. Have fun with your belly rub.”

“I will, thank you!” Bitch. A part of me wanted to pick the skankiest outfit just to spite her, but I really didn’t want to piss Gilda off that much. I settled for something more conservative: The most boring skirt and blouse I had.

As soon as I was dressed, Twilight’s horn lit up and all the hair disappeared. I couldn’t smell her before, so I’d just have to assume the smell was still there. “I might go out while you’re gone,” she said.

“Be safe, Twilight,” I said. “That assassin is still out there.”

She just huffed and teleported out. “Smooth move,” Aqua said. “It’s gonna make breaking up with her so much easier!”

“I told you that she’d learn to hate me as much as I hate me. Now then… Do you know the way to her chambers?”

“Yes. Grab your dagger. You might need it.”

Oooh, spooky! I strapped the thing to my back, though. Whoever tried might be interested in trying again. If I was gonna sit back and watch Aqua straight up brutalize someone, I’d rather watch her do it with a vicious dagger.

“I’m so happy that you’re looking forward to me taking over,” Aqua said. “I hope you get used to it!”

Oh no, whatever could be in store for me? Hm, if only I had some fucks to give, I’d really put some thought to it! Now lead the way to my date.

“Now you’ve gone and upset me, Navi! I’ll still lead you to Gilda because I love you, but you hurt my feelings!”

“I’m okay with that.”

It sounded like she sniffled, but started giving me directions. Her voice was super pathetic and it sounded like she was on the edge of tears. It made me feel like a bully.

I liked it.

By the time we got to Gilda’s room, Aqua was actually crying. I had the biggest grin on my face when I ran into Matilda at Gilda’s door. It looked like the woman was standing watch.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

“On the date I won with your princess, silly! It’s weird, I thought you knew about that. Well, the short version is, I beat the shit out of some low-class mercenaries and helped protect the princess from an assassin! And now I’m on my way to my date with her.”

“Over my dead body!” Matilda shouted.

The door slammed open, revealing Gilda in full princess mode. She even had the adorable fluffy gown and tiara! “You will cease this foolishness at once, Matilda!” Gilda shouted. “You have lost and I have won!”

“...Lost what, your majesty?” Matilda coldly asked.

“You were trying to marry me off. Well, I wasn’t gonna let you get away with your stupid schemes! I don’t need another bullheaded griffin trying to order me around!”

Matilda scoffed. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about! The griffin I found for you was a sensitive academic! He respected what you were doing and wanted to work with you!”

“Well I’m happy like I am! Now leave us, Matilda. This date does not include a chaperone.”

Matilda turned to glare at me. “If you so much as lay one of those disgusting monkey paws upon her, I’ll have you arrested!”

“She’ll be laying a lot more than a finger on me,” Gilda said with a smirk. “She’s rubbing my whole belly. We’ll see where her hands go after that!” Matilda squawked in horror or surprise. “Now please, do come in,” Gilda added, taking a step back and waving an arm invitingly.

Not gonna say no to that invitation. I walked past a stunned Matilda. Once I was clear, I shot two finger pistols at her. “Totally nice seeing you again, buddy!”

She wasn’t able to come up with a response until the door was shutting. “I’m not your buddy, beast!”

“She’s a great friend,” I sighed when the bitch couldn’t hear us anymore. Gilda finally stopped to face me. The look on her face was… unusual. “Look, I won’t force a belly rub on you. If you really don’t want it, it’s no big deal.” Though it might ruin my whole day.

“Are you curious about why I finally tried to date you, Nav?”

“Sure. Go for it.”

“I always prefered hens anyway.”

That… honestly wasn’t incredibly surprising. “Huh.”

“You pushed the pony nobles to come out about their desires. A part of me hoped I could use you to reveal mine.”

“Oh. Wow. So when you said we’d see where my hands ended up….”

She grinned and a small blush came over her face. “You gotta make up for being so mean somehow. Having someone help me with my heat for the first time sounds… nice. And don’t act like you wouldn’t enjoy it!”

I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting that one. “Look, Gilda…” She sighed and rolled her eyes. “You’re in heat. How do I know you actually want this? You might just want relief.”

“I do want relief. And I want it from the one who has caused so much of the stress.”

“Your father actually told me that if I ever touched you, it better be on our wedding night.”

That didn’t even faze her. “In a few years, whose support will be more valuable? His or mine? Besides, it’s not like anyone will ever know!”

“After what you just told Matilda? She’s probably already on her way to Bloodbeak now.”

“She wanted me to have the perfect date. Well, this is it! If she thinks to take it from me after I worked so hard to earn it, she has another thing coming! I want this, Nav. A part of me has wanted it ever since I saw you in that adorable sundress at your party. I wanted to rip it off of you. Instead, I invited you here, where I was supposed to take you on a wonderful date. That’s no longer viable, but I will not walk away empty-taloned!”

God dammit, she’s so fucking hot, but this feels so wrong! If only I had another person to consult for advice!

“I can’t believe you’re even tempted by this,”Aqua said. “You are a brute.”

That’s a wonderful point, Aqua. Thank you for your contribution. “As you wish, Gilda. You’re in charge of the date, so whatever. But I’m only doing stuff to you. I don’t want anything back.”

“So be it,” she immediately replied.

“And this gets me off the hook for all of my fuckups today!”

“Deal.”

“Then let’s do this,” I said with a grin. It took me a second to realize she was purring in excitement. Why do I always attract the weird ones?

“Because you’re the weirdest of them all,” Aqua sullenly replied.

“Now come along, Navi,” Gilda said, turning to lead me further into her chambers. Soon enough, we stood in her actual bedroom. “And now the great hero has finally come to claim her prize.”

“Not gonna lie, you’re looking pretty fucking tasty.”

That made her blink. “I… What?”

“Sorry, I love bad pickup lines.”

“But why tasty?”

“Because I’m gonna be eatin’ a piece of you later.” She blinked again. “What about this are you not getting?”

“...Are human females like praying mantises?”

What the fuck? “Wow. No. Sorry, let me put this as bluntly as possible. I’m going to be shoving my tongue inside of your vagina.” Her mouth dropped. “...I’m not eating you, Gilda.”

“You’re putting your tongue where?!”

And that’s when Aqua just started giggling hysterically at me. “So how are the sex ed classes in Gryphus?” I asked.

The bright red blush that slowly spread across her face was both adorable and very discouraging. “I know where hatchlings come from!”

“Oh my god, this is gonna be amazing!”

It was obvious she no longer shared my enthusiasm. “And now you’re mocking me.”

“No, I’m not,” I sighed. “I’m gonna do my best to make this amazing for you, princess. About the only thing I’m actually good at is sex, so your first time is in good hands.”

“Forgive me if that doesn’t exactly make me feel better!”

I placed one of my pointer fingers right on her beak. “Relax. Take a deep breath.” She didn’t want to obey me, but she did it anyway. “Now, slowly exhale.” As she did so, I moved my hand from her beak to her cheek so I could pull her in for a kiss. When I pulled away, she finally had a nervous smile on her face. “Feel better?” I asked with a grin.

“...A little. So then, do unto me as you would. I am in your care, Lady Navarone.”

“Right, let’s do this.” Thank you for the life advice, Leeroy Jenkins. “Go ahead and get out of that dress, Gilda. I want you unwrapped.” As she got started, I walked over to the bed and sat down. Once I was facing her again, I realized she was baring her belly, with its rows of nipples. That’s when I remembered why the other Gilda enjoyed her belly rub so much.

I realized very quickly that all the talk of rubbing her belly was basically innuendo for playing with her nipples. That… kinda explains a lot.

“And now you’re known in yet another nation as a complete pervert,” Aqua judgmentally said.

That one was my bad, I’ll admit. Anywho, time to appreciate the view. “Oh yeah,” I huskily said. “Show me that sweet belly.” She dropped back down to the ground with a scandalized expression on her face. “Ooh, you’re so cute! I can’t wait to just eat you up!” Her blush returned with a fury. “Now keep going.”

“M-must you watch?” she quietly asked.

“Why wouldn’t you want me to?” I replied. “You’re very attractive, Princess. I like watching you. Why don’t you like being watched?”

“It’s… embarrassing…”

“You’re normally nude anyway! You can let yourself have fun here. But if you really want, you can turn the lights off. It’ll make things less fun, but whatever.”

She sighed and continued getting undressed. I went back to watching her with a grin. All she really had on was a dress, some pointless shoes, and socks under the shoes. I let her keep the socks on. Soon, I beheld the mostly nude princess, who was blushing up a storm.

“Well, come on over,” I said, patting the bed. “I promise I won’t bite!”

She gulped and hesitantly joined me. Before she could get comfortable, I rolled her over onto her back. “P-please be gentle,” she whispered.

“For now,” I said as my hand slowly stroked her belly. A tiny whimper of joy escaped her lips as I began rubbing the vulnerable princess’s belly.

“Oooh, N-nav…” she whispered when my fingers tweaked her nipples. Soon enough, I had her moaning in delight like the good little princess she was.

“How do you like being my little tummy slut?” I asked.

“It’s a-amazing!”

I smirked and started moving my hand lower, to play with something a little more fun.

Right before I could get there, her door burst open and the assassin from earlier stormed in. I was on my feet before I knew what I was doing, the knife in my hands. Aqua, what the hell?!

“He’s outlived his use,” she replied.

Either he wasn’t in her control anymore or she just really wanted me to die, because he was attacking me like his life depended on it. Which was kinda accurate, because I was damn sure gonna kill him.

All of our magical buffs had apparently worn off, but he was still swinging his knife around with ridiculous speeds and it was all I could do to keep out of his reach. After about fifteen seconds of aimlessly dodging and deflecting, Aqua finally took over my body and grabbed his knife talon with the hand that wasn’t holding my dagger, then used the other to slam the knife into this guy’s chest.

The knife fell out of his talon as he stepped back. Aqua grabbed it before it could hit the ground and used it to slice his throat before he could move another inch. Blood instantly showered out all over me.

“N-Nav…?” Gilda weakly said.

I dropped the knife and shivered. “I’m… I’m good. Ugh, now I need another shower!”

Before I could complain some more, she jumped out of the bed to hug me. The instant before I could hug her back, two guards burst in. They looked angry until they saw the body and the blood. After taking a second to collect themselves, one checked on the body and the other said, “Princess, are you hurt?”

“I am fine,” she replied, still holding tightly onto me. “My savior protected me well!”

“This is the same griffin from the tournament,” the other guard said. “How did he get into the palace?”

“That’s not the important question,” I replied. “Does he have any friends?”

The guy inspecting the corpse looked up at the other guard. “Protect Princess Gilda and Lady Navarone. I’ll raise the alarm!” Before either of us could say otherwise, he sprinted out of the room.

The one that remained rubbed the back of his neck. “When Matilda ordered us to check up on you, this… isn’t what we were expecting.”

“And what were you expecting, hm?” Gilda testily asked from her comfortable spot attached to my side.

“To walk in on a belly rub,” the guard awkwardly replied. Gilda glared daggers at the poor guy, but I wiped that look off her face by scratching at her neck. She sighed in delight as I put my hands to good use. “...I kinda wonder what we would have seen if we got here a few minutes earlier.”

“Keep on wondering,” I said. “And while you’re doing that, bring me a towel. This fucker got his nasty blood everywhere.”

“I don’t want to leave your side, my lady,” he replied. “There’s no telling if another might show up.”

“Fine, then I’ll do it myself.” I finally pushed the princess back, though she seemed extremely reluctant to let me go. Her rooms weren’t that large, so finding the bathroom was simple.

Before I could start cleaning myself, Gilda snatched the towel out of my hand and set me down on the tub’s edge. “I would be pleased to assist my savior,” she sweetly said as she started cleaning the blood off my face.

“That’s not nece—”

“I said I’ll do it!” The towel felt very rough against my face for a few seconds, but then she calmed down and it smoothed out. I decided to let her clean the blood off.

“Thank you, Gilda,” I said as she worked.

“And thank you for saving me, Nav,” she quietly replied. “I would have been defenseless against that brute…”

I placed one of my hands against her cheek, since it looked like she was shaking. “Are you sure you’re alright?” I asked.

“I…”

Before she could keep going, we heard an enraged Matilda shrieking in the next room. There’s no way she could have seen us, so something else must have pissed her off. Gilda sighed and taloned me the towel so she could go take care of that. I hopped up and looked into the mirror so I could start properly cleaning myself.

So what was the point of that?

“If those guards walked in on you fingering the princess, how do you think they would have reacted?”

Probably poorly.

“Indeed. So I had the assassin watching. When he saw guards coming this way, he beat them here so they wouldn’t catch you in a compromising position.”

And you had to sacrifice his life for that? Couldn’t you have just warned me?

“But then you wouldn’t be a big hero. Now you’ve saved the princess’s life and can be trusted alone with her. You can freely steal her cherry now, if that is still what you desire.”

Hey, it’s not stealing if she gives it to me. But thank you, Aqua. You’re a complete bitch and I’m probably never going to be happy about this, but you’re growing on me.

“I’m delighted to hear that, my little cherry blossom!”

And now I feel disgusted again. I got over it and dropped the towel in the sink before heading back to the main room. Matilda was forcefully hugging an annoyed looking Gilda. There were several more guards in the room and one of them had placed a sheet over the body. The two knives were now against one of the walls, well away from the corpse.

Before I could walk over to Gilda, one of the guards stepped in front of me. “We need you to return to your room, my lady,” he said. “We’re doing a full sweep of the palace and all guests need to be in their assigned rooms. Anyone caught out of place will be arrested and interrogated.”

“She is going nowhere!” Gilda said, finally forcing Matilda away. “Not after she saved my life!”

“I don’t mind, really,” I said. “You’re in good hands now. I don’t want to get in the way.”

“I don’t see how the hero of the hour could get in the way,” Gilda replied. “You are to remain right here by my side!” Some of the guards shared awkward looks. “It is the princess’s command!”

“Your date is obviously over,” Matilda said. “You two wouldn’t be back in your chambers, otherwise. I’m sure Lady Navarone was just leaving when this assassin attacked. There’s no need for her to stay.”

Gilda turned a withering glare on her mean maid. While she was occupied with that, I walked over and grabbed my knife so I could resheathe it. “We’ll talk more in the morning, princess,” I said. “For now, it really might be best if I just left.”

“...Fine.” She sounded pretty miffed, so I decided leaving quickly would be best. I beat feet down the hall to the room Twilight and I were sharing.

I wasn’t expecting to see her chilling on the bed when I got in. “Back so soon?” I asked.

“I didn’t actually… Wait, is that blood?!”

I guess I didn’t get clean enough. “Yeah, the assassin showed up.” She gasped. “I had to put him down.”

“Is Gilda alright?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. A little bit traumatized, but she’s in good hands.”

“Good,” she sighed. “So how did your date go?”

“I got my belly rub, so I’d say it was a win. So where did you run off to?”

“Nowhere. I just wanted to make you jealous…”

“Oh. I’m gonna go clean this blood off and then do some awfully lewd things to you.”

“...’Kay.”

And so I did. It was enjoyable.