Diaries of a Madman

by whatmustido

First published 19th of August, 2012

Discord makes a deal with Celestia, sending a human to Equestria at the start of season two.

When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making it. Enter Navarone, a poor human just trying to get by—or at least, to the ponies that's what he looks like. Pulled from his home by an accidental summoning from one Twilight Sparkle, Navarone is thrust into a world of ponies and more violence than he expected from such a peaceful seeming world. These are his adventures—with a few asides from everybody's favorite Lord of Chaos, of course.

Now on TVtropes! I answered a ton of questions for the fellow making this, so the stuff on there is mostly accurate.

Cover picture by a fellow called Sawhorse. If you see any mistakes, send me a PM with the chapter, the line, and the mistake and I'll fix it. This thing is huge. There are plenty of mistakes in there. Also, there are spoilers in the comments.

If you want a download link to the story or to see it before the rewrite.

I make all the clop in this story skippable. But if you don't want to see it at all, I have it without clop on gdocs. But if you're a dirty heathen and you like clop, here's your version.

It feels unfair to spoil a story in the description, but a lot of people have asked for a warning about this, so the main character of my story eventually gets gender-swapped for a long duration.

Prologue

Author's Notes:

If you prefer to read it on gdocs:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YwI5nd7EvlvAgyeOZ09paF5PTp6fNCBc0xJA4SSS4kM/edit

“I remember when I woke up again. How the little fillies that gave me the power to finally break free ran off, laughing, not realizing what they had done. I remember being back in my body after so much watching but being unable to act. And I most definitely remember you, Celestia,” I said, gently caressing her face. She flinched.

“My student will stop you, Discord!” Her lower body was stone. The only thing she could move was her head, and her unicorn magic does nothing to me. She fixed me with a glare.

“If I let her. Do you know what it is like, Celestia, to live forever?” I asked, walking around her. Her eyes refused to follow me, and she kept her head straight, staring ahead. “I don’t mean living a few thousand years, as you have. I mean truly living forever.” She didn’t answer. After a minute, I stopped in front of her. She refused to meet my gaze. I wrapped my eagle talon around her throat and forced her to look me in the eyes. “I have lived for millions of years.” I dropped her statue to its feet with a thud. Her eyes didn’t leave mine. “I have lived since there were a handful of sentient creatures and will live until there is only one left and there can at last be peace.”

“Why are you telling me this, monster?”

“So you can understand. So you can understand why I do what I do. And maybe… Maybe, Celestia, so we can make a deal.”

“I would never agree to anything you say!”

“Maybe. Maybe…” I continued pacing. “I have been stopped hundreds of times. I have been turned to stone. I have been buried. I have been banished under the oceans, bound by magics long since lost. Almost every race that has ever existed has managed to banish me at least once. Dragons have done so the most, but after so long my proximity has polluted their minds.” She hissed. “Don’t worry, my dear: That took several hundred thousand years to do. Ponies will have long since faded to obscurity by the time that might happen to you.” She gave me a hateful look. I waved my lion paw. “Oh, don’t get me wrong! Ponies are magnificent animals, of course. It is just a trend I have noticed. I don’t mean it as an insult.”

She was silent. “You know, Celestia, it wouldn’t kill you to be civil. I know you don’t care for me, but think about how I feel! You locked me in stone for several thousand years.”

“You deserved worse.”

“Yes, I did, I suppose. But you would do the same had you lived as long as I. You think you know boredom. You think you know loneliness.” I stopped in front of her and bent as close as I could to her eyes. Insane yellow and red met fierce pink and black. “You. Don’t. Know. A. Thing.” I stood straight again. “You are a long-lived ruler of a short-lived race. And I feel I should apologize for what my magic did to you. The Elements of Harmony don’t usually have that effect, though they are usually only used by species that live longer anyway.”

“You knew about the Elements?”

“I created them, of course. I created them and I hid them away. I always give my opponents a trump card that they can use to defeat me.” I continued pacing. “So your student and her ‘friends’ are out looking for them right now. Normally I wait thousands of years to give my enemies the trump. But I have something different in mind.” I stopped in front of her again. “And do you know why, Celestia?”

“You are too afraid to fight me and Luna again?”

I chuckled. “Good guess, old friend, but no. As I said, I want a deal.” I started pacing again. “What would you say to a truce? Now, before you say anything, I want to explain my terms.”

“I suppose I don’t have any choice.”

I laughed. “No, my dear, I suppose you don’t. I’ve played for chaos all my life. I have created discord. I have torn families apart. I almost never hurt anything, though I do cause some manner of torment. I have never—EVER—killed anyone. I have caused others to kill, yes. I have whispered insane torments so long in the mind of some that they kill themselves. But I’ve never actually killed anyone.”

“That doesn’t excuse you from responsibility.”

“I know. Trust me, Celestia, I know. I’ve had this talk before with someone that decided not to take my deal. They said the same thing as you did.” What she didn’t know, of course, is that the person I had this talk with was her. I’ve had this talk with her hundreds of times, all within the last few minutes. I just make her forget each unsuccessful attempt; I’ve learned my lesson about giving up too soon. “So I’ve been playing for chaos for a long time. Frankly, I’m a bit tired of it. I think I have decided to play the other side of the fence for a while. Not forever, of course, but for a while. The thing is, I need someone to teach me how.”

“And you expect me to let you run wild while I teach you how to play nice. Why does that sound unappealing?”

“No, I’ve just explained my reasoning. I have yet to lay down any actual terms. Are you even slightly interested in hearing them?”

“If I say no?”

“Oh, you’ll hear the terms whether you want to or not. But if you don’t accept them, I will rule this world for a very, very long time. I’ve seen it already. The reason dragons put me down so many times, you see, is that they live long enough to be able to do it. But dragons are corrupted by me, now. They are still mostly sane, of course, but greedy and violent. There are exceptions, and some can be trained well. But if you choose not to accept my terms, I will hide the Elements of Harmony so well that they will never be found in your lifetime. Or I might just unmake them. I have the power to, I just lack the desire.”

There was a pause. “I’m listening.”

“I thought you would. The first term is this: I live in your lands, disguised, for as long as I can stay hidden.”

“No powers?”

“I’ll have a few. But I won’t use them unless I absolutely have to. My body will age, if you let it. I will drop my immunity to magic unless I am actually put in danger.”

“Keep talking.” Quieter, she murmured, “Never thought I’d say that.”

“A mare telling a man to talk...” I giggled. She just rolled her eyes. “Fine, be that way. Term two is that no one is to know of me unless I tell them. I will be in your lands, hidden, and not a single soul on this world can know of me.”

“What about Luna? Can I tell her of this agreement?”

I snapped my fingers. Luna suddenly stood next to Celestia. As soon as her hooves hit the ground she snapped awake. “DISCORD!” she shouted, horn glowing. I rolled my eyes and snapped my fingers again and her horn disappeared.

“Need I remind you, young one, of who I am?” I asked as her body started to turn to stone.

“You’ll never get away wi—”

“Yes, yes, spare me your tripe.” She glared at me. “Yes, you hate me. Yes, it was my fault you turned into Nightmare Moon. Yes, you can blame me for being on the moon for a thousand years. Happy?” I don’t think she was very happy. “Celestia, care to help me out here?”

“Not really. This is kind of funny, actually.”

“Celestia, what has he done to you?” Luna asked, almost in tears.

I snapped my fingers, and replayed the entire conversation to Luna. When she caught up, she was silent.

“Much better.” I pulled a party hat from the air and stuck it on Luna’s head. “Not quite the same…” I rubbed my beard, pretending to think of something. I suddenly snapped my fingers, as though I had an epiphany. I reached behind Celestia’s ear and pulled out a horn, only to find that the hat on Luna’s head had already changed to a horn.

They didn’t look amused.

“Tough crowd!” I picked my teeth with the unicorn horn, and then bit into it. “Candy cane?” I asked, offering it to them. They just gave me a look. “Straight back to business! I like that! Though we’re not exactly in a hurry,” I said, pointing out the window. They looked and didn’t see anything of note. I checked the watch I wasn’t wearing a second ago and tried tapping it. “Damn birds never appear when you need them,” I muttered. “Anyway, time doesn’t exist outside this room anymore. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m sure you’re both terribly busy.” Celestia gave off a longsuffering sigh, and Luna just gave me an evil look. “Oh come on, Luna, don’t look so stony!” I gave it a second, and burst out laughing. Neither of them even smiled.

I instantly smoothed my face. “Fine,” I announced in a dead voice. I started pacing again, hands behind my back. “So yes, Celestia, you can tell Luna of this. Though I think she might already know by now.” I waved my hand, still pacing. “That’s only two of the terms. What say you?”

“You’re going to keep going, either way,” Celestia finally said, after sharing a short glance with Luna.

“Yes, I am,” I answered. I stopped right in front of her. “What do you think so far?”

“If you are telling the truth about them, and will keep to your word, I see nothing to object to so far.”

“Good… Good.” I resumed my pacing. “Term three: After some time of good behavior, I will regain some of my powers. They will be randomly picked, nothing either of us will have any influence over. I will not use them against you, but I might use them to protect myself against you, if I feel threatened.”

“Okay,” Celestia said.

“Term four: I will not die. I might get injured. I might get hurt so badly that by all rights I should die. Some ponies will question this. To that end, I will give you magic—and all unicorns, by extension—that enables healing and the transfer of life force from one creature to another. It is ancient magic. And when I say ancient, I mean so old that even I barely remember it anymore, and I remember everything perfectly.” Luna rolled her eyes. I smiled, and put a single finger on her forehead. Through that link I let her glimpse a millionth of my life. She immediately burst into tears, screaming.

“What did you do to her?!” Celestia demanded.

“I gave her a bit of perspective,” I whispered, taking my thumb off her. Her glimpse into my mind was lost, and with it the reason for tears. Her mind would be haunted for a while, but she wouldn’t know why. “All better, aren’t you deary?” I asked, stuffing a lollipop in her mouth. She spit it right out. I shrugged. “Eh, suit yourself. You want anything?” I asked Celestia. She shook her head. I resumed pacing. “So we have four terms. And you ponies even get a bit of something out of it. I’m sure you’ll think of a way to explain the magic to your ponies; it takes a lot of energy to use, and it’s hardly perfect, but you’ll figure all that out as we go.” I paused, both in my pacing and in my dialogue.

The silence stretched. Celestia finally broke it, “And?” she demanded.

I blinked. “Sorry, I also froze time in the maze outside. A bit of direct intervention was required with the two pegasi; of all the pony races ever created, those were the only ones to ever give me any trouble. Aside from you alicorns, of course… But I think I took care of that problem quite nicely.”

“You missed two of us!” Luna accused. “And look where that got you!”

“And why do you think I let two female alicorns go?” She didn’t have an answer to that. “Term five… This one is quite a favorite of mine, and I’m sure you’ll both agree. I’ll report everything I do to you, Celestia! Everything without a single real lie, unless you tell me not to write something down. Oh, I might leave some details out, some things that I’m sure you wouldn’t find important or interesting. I might not put down exactly how I feel in some cases, because that’s more of an opinion than something I did, but you know how it goes. If it makes you feel any better, your student doesn’t report everything to you either. She has quite a mind on her, she does… I could do all manner of things with it. She has quite the propensity for insanity.”

“But you won’t touch her if we agree to this little truce of yours.”

“I suppose we can make that a term, if you wish… Term six: I will not corrupt any minds using my magic. Unless they choose to follow me down the road, I suppose. Or after, when all this falls apart.”

“Falls apart?” Luna asked. Celestia just closed her eyes and whispered something that I wasn’t able to hear but was able to read off her mind.

“Old age will steal me away eventually,” I said. “If not old age, something will get me. Only I won’t die. Even with magic I should die, but I won’t. Someone will figure something out eventually. Which brings us to term seven: When it all falls apart, you two will take zero responsibility. We’ll have a mock battle and I’ll be stone again until I break free. I will use my magic to ensure this happens.”

“This seems… wrong, Celestia,” Luna whispered.

Celestia didn’t answer.

“Term eight: I will obey you both, as a loyal subject should.” I mockingly bowed. “Of course, I will happily make suggestions and there are orders that I might conveniently not hear. But if you—” I broke off.

Celestia gave off a smug smile. “Is my student giving you more trouble than you thought?”

I blinked my way back. “Your student has finished the labyrinth, actually. Her friends did not follow my rules. I just had to hide us all while I showed Twilight something she missed.” I shuddered. “One thing you two will also never understand: Being everywhere at once. The very air itself seethes with discordance! Sciences long forgotten in this world…” I saw them staring at me in confusion. “No matter. I think we were on my last term. Term nine. At any time you may pull the plug on this entire experiment. I go back to being full Discord with all my powers and you go back to being my enemy. And I will not go easy on you. I will dominate this world for so long that there will not be a living soul—dragon, pony, alicorn—that remembers what it was like before I ruled. Assuming you don’t win, of course.” The two sisters shared a look. I stopped in front of them. “But you know what the fun thing about that is?” They looked at me. “I’ll help you fight me!” The look on their faces was priceless.

“How could you help us fight yourself?” Luna asked.

“A good question,” I said, patting her on the head. She didn’t take it well. “A question which I will only answer if you accept my terms and the truce that accompanies it.”

“Celestia, he’s lying. You know what he is!”

I stood to my fullest height. “I will always lie. But when I give my word, when I tell a promise, I always keep it. Even you should remember that from our time together, back in the day.” I stooped back down.

“Surely you won’t consent to being a pony, though,” Celestia said. “What kind of disguise will you take?”

I beamed. “I thought you’d never ask!” I snapped my fingers and my form rapidly pulsated, changing, shrinking. When the form finally stopped, I stood before them, shorter than both by at least a few inches.

“What… what are you?” Luna finally asked, after they had both stared at me for nearly a minute.

“What creature is so horrible that could spawn something like Discord?” I asked in a voice not my own. “What is so mentally chaotic and so hate-filled that they could construct something as evil as I?”

“Nothing that I have ever seen,” Celestia finally said, after they shared a short look.

“Humans were the first sentient being on this planet. Ever. You can’t imagine how long ago that was. Think your lifetime. All of it. Imagine that thousands of times. Now millions of times. They thought they knew so much… They thought they were so wise… They had methods of war, of fighting, of killing, that rivaled anything I have seen since. I’ll admit, they produced a few souls that gave me a run for my money. But they always fell in the end, and when they did there was usually renewed violence. This form right here, this individual human shape, is the first one to ever call me into existence. Not the idea of discord, but the persona of Discord! I immortalized him for his crime. He’s in here,” I said, tapping my head, “seeing everything I see, everything I do. You think I am mad!” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Cain was definitely quite the character, that one. But no matter,” I said, snapping again and changing back to my form, “that is the form I will take if you agree. I’ll even give you the knowledge to change me around if, in the end, you don’t like that form.”

I put myself right back in front of Celestia. “So. You have heard my terms. I think they are a bit fair, personally. Hell, they give you a pretty big power over me.” I shrugged. “But I knew that is what it would take. So what do you say, Celestia? Friends?” I asked, holding out my hand. Her stone skin fell away and she flinched. She looked at my hand, biting her lower lip. She turned her head to look at Luna, who I had turned fully into stone as soon as I let Celestia go. “This is your choice to make, Princess. Your choice.”

A minute passed. Two. Finally, she slowly, hesitantly reached her hoof up to shake my hand. As soon as she touched me, she started turning back to stone. “Relax, Celestia, you can still hear me when you are fully stone. You just can’t ask questions.” She stared at me defiantly until she was completely covered. I let her hoof go.

“I promised you a few extra details,” I said. “I wasn’t lying. If you ever wish to pull the plug on this experiment, the words you must speak are, ‘Tractor sand blue burn.’ You must speak them in that order, with nothing in between.” I smiled, though I knew she couldn’t see me. “Now, you see, this is where things start getting interesting. If you recall, one of my terms was that no one could know of my existence here. Not a single living soul on this world. And the last time I checked, you and your sister were both quite alive. Oh, you’re currently incredibly stoned, but you are still alive. So when I snap my fingers again, you are both going to forget all about this talk.” I felt Celestia’s horror. “Yes, I know how you feel, my dear. But I also remember that you shook on it. And I think that you remember as well. And you want to know the hilarious thing?”

She didn’t answer. I continued, “Luna predicted this. Twilight would have predicted this. I’m pretty sure that a child would have predicted this, Celestia. Luna didn’t mention it because she thought you knew. Oh, if you had felt her horror when you shook my hand…” I chuckled, and wiped a fake tear out of my eyes. “So you’ll forget me. You’ll also forget the code words to end it. You’ll forget that you were given access to the magic. But you’ll still remember how to actually do the magic; I’m not stupid, no matter how much you think I am. Actually, I think I might put some of the magic in an old book for Twilight to find… That seems more humbling, in a way; let the student teach the mistress something.”

I felt Celestia’s mind shift. “Yes, yes, I’m getting to that. If you somehow remember how to unleash me and decide you wish to, how will I fight with you against myself?” I laughed again. “I think it’s somewhat ingenious, myself. You see, the only way you’ll remember those words is if I tell you what they are.” I felt the horror in her mind expand exponentially.

“So you understand, I see. Yes, I said I will help you fight against myself. So Discord will help Celestia fight against the human that is on Celestia’s side by telling her the words that will end the human’s existence. Discord tricks Celestia into fighting for him. And you’ll fall for it. I already foresee it. And do you know what else I foresee for you, Celestia?” The horror was still growing. “Remember term six of our agreement?” A single tear dropped from her stone face. “I corrupted one sister a few years ago when I wasn’t even able to move. You just bet your entire world that I won’t be able to corrupt the other one now.” I let that sink in for a minute before I snapped my fingers.

The world shifted. Time reversed itself right up to the point where I broke free again. Instead of breaking free, I just melted from the statue, leaving it intact and hollow. I ghosted invisibly across Equestria—across the entire world—whispering in a few minds and setting things up just the way I needed them. I told Celestia I wouldn’t use my magic to corrupt minds, but you don’t have to break someone to make them do what you want them to. All it takes is a bit of honeyed words and occasionally some lies.

I drove a pony nearly mad from loneliness.

I pushed the winds to severely injure a griffin when she collided with the ground.

I forced some filthy monsters to begin a migration.

I whispered into the mind of a unicorn, driving him across the lands in search of monsters that didn’t exist.

I drove a king mad.

I made a mugger go too far but step back from the abyss when it was almost too late.

I whispered jealous thoughts into the mind of a mare.

I drove narcissism so deeply into the mind of a pony that he would be broken if his body was harmed.

I gave an ancient dragon nightmares.

I drove a serpent mad from loneliness.

And I whispered the method of the spell needed to bring my puppet into existence to the mind of one Twilight Sparkle.

And while I was doing all of that, I was considering who to use as my little puppet. Yes, I say puppet. Ponies are simple creatures, truly. Playing with them as myself would be too easy. No, I needed a toy, a memory of a memory.

So I chose the only being I ever truly despised.

Besides, I could not come to the world with my own personality, as that would tip Celestia off immediately. There were many other problems, as well: The language was entirely different from anything any human had known. The atmosphere was so radically different that any human coming here would probably die almost immediately afterwards. The ponies would be reluctant to accept the human, due to his obvious status as a predator and due to how odd he was.

The man I had in mind was an interesting sort. Still young, so the ponies could eventually accept him. He had plenty of flaws, so they could (try to) teach him. He was plentifully intelligent, so he could survive in his new world.

And so it was decided. I grabbed the ancient personality from my mind, threw it into his young body, and got ready for the show of a lifetime.

Chapter One—And so it Begins...

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OpIYQx0SE80SnVapobbYfQyOWxnruHgfLWqjbLyQ45g/edit

You ever have a really, really bad day? The kind that makes you want to just fall into bed as soon as you get the chance? This started as one of those days.

School is school, no matter where you are. But it can be better or worse depending on certain circumstances. I probably have it worse than some, but that’s not really all that important. And jobs are jobs, but helping family on a farm might well take the cake when it comes to difficulty levels and instilling a bone-breaking weariness in your body.

So I think falling into a bed as soon as possible was completely understandable, given the circumstances. My day was hard and I just wanted it to be over. But as I said, the day only started bad.

It quickly got much, much worse.

I awoke to a strong pulling sensation. Wearily, I looked down at my legs, only to notice they weren’t there anymore. My mind, sluggish from the short bit of sleep, took several seconds to realize that I was missing half my body. When the realization finally kicked in, panic ensued.

Of course, the pulling sensation didn’t end with my legs. I hope I was alone in the house that day, because my shrieks of terror would have jarred my family quite terribly. After several minutes, my entire body up to my head had disappeared. Realizing that screaming in horror wasn’t doing anything to stop it, some part of my rational mind forced my mouth shut.

A second later, I was gone.

There are no words for the myriads of lights I saw and the sounds I heard. The sensations were incredible and terrifying and utterly, completely unique. I can’t say if I would have considered what I went through wonderful or terrible. As I said, there are no words.

Suddenly, the shifting stopped, and I was left with a searing pain in my eyes. It felt as though I was somehow floating... I tried opening my eyes, only to find they were already open. That’s when I realized I was fucking blind.

Suddenly, a feminine voice cut through the silence. “Not quite what I was expecting… Spike, take note: The subject appears disoriented. There is little hair covering it, using clothing to cover itself instead. However, its head appears to be covered mostly in hair, with a nose, lips, two eyes, two ears, with hair covering just about everything else.”

Her voice droned on, describing this ‘subject’ with much detail. My mind sorted through some of the details, until I realized she had to be describing me. The shitty beard I really needed to shave was probably what she meant by hair covering everything.

“Uh… Hello?” I managed to force through trembling lips.

“It speaks! And it knows Equestrian! Spike, note this all down. Record everything it says,” the feminine voice spoke in a very excited tone.

“Are you sure you want to speak about it like that? The thing looks and sounds smart…” a more masculine, though childish, voice replied to her.

“There are varying degrees of intelligence,” I answered him, doing my best to keep them busy with talking while I attempted to surreptitiously strain against my bonds. “There’s book learning, wisdom, and common fucking sense. From the sounds of things, your scientist over there has at least one of those,” I said with a small amount of hostility. “I’m hardly a ‘subject’ to study, and my eyes fucking hurt. Whatever you’re doing, hurry it up, release me, and get me a doc or something. I want to make sure I’m not blinded by whatever the hell you did.” Judging by the ensuing silence, I think my gambit of buying time by distracting them worked.

“The subject—”

“I have a name, woman. I’d appreciate it if you considered me a person instead of pretending I’m a science project,” I said.

She huffed, angered at my tone and my rough treatment of her. She must not be used to teenagers, I thought to myself. “I’m Twilight Sparkle and this is Spike. Now, what is your name?” she asked me.

Not very fucking polite, but I might as well at least give her something. “Navarone, at your service,” I replied, the lie coming easily to my lips. I have always heard that it’s a good idea not to give captors many details about your life, and Navarone is a name I’ve used in the past. It wouldn’t be too hard to answer to until I could get home. “Now, would you kindly tell me where I am, how I got here, and who you are?” I was still trying to stall, to maybe figure out where I was.

“A question for a question seems fair to me,” she said. I might have been wrong about her, I thought. Maybe some common sense after all. “Where do you come from?”

“Hardly an original question, but seeing as how I still seem to be restrained, we’ll play your game.” Not knowing how to answer, I told her the truth, relatively. I’m a bit of a sarcastic bastard… “Texas, United States of America, North Western Hemisphere, planet Earth, solar system Sol, galaxy Milky Way, third dimension.”

“Well that doesn’t tell me much,” she muttered.

“From the sound of things, you weren’t expecting it to,” I answered. “Now, where are we?”

“My answer will tell you just as little, I suppose. Equestria,” she told me, with a hint of a smile in her voice. “What species are you?”

“Equestria? I may be American, but I’ve seen a few maps. If you want to give me crap answers, maybe I should do the same for you.”

“I told you it probably wouldn’t tell you much. Now, answer the question, please.”

“Fine! Human. Technical name Homo sapiens.” Due to my lack of sleep, it didn’t occur to me at the time why she would be asking what species I was.

The younger voice said, “Hey, she didn’t ask if you prefered mares or stallions!” What the fuck? I never mentioned animals!

“Homo means same, Spike,” the female voice told him. “Now shush. Your turn, Navarone.”

Ask about the stallion thing later. “How did I get here? I remember finally managing to get to sleep, then getting pulled somewhere else.”

“Hm… Put simply, I used a spell to summon you here.” Spell? Like, magic? “I don’t really know the equivalent word in your world.” Suddenly, my mind started to make a few connections. Before I could act on them, I was being questioned again. “You are wearing clothing. What is it made of?”

My mind was alive, sparking with questions and possible answers. I knew I had to keep playing her game, though. “The shirt is cotton. The pants are denim. The socks are probably cotton. The shoes are rubber and plastic, I think. Now I might know the right question to ask. What the hell are you?” I asked her, dreading the answer.

She smiled. How I could tell, with my eyes not working, I don’t know. I could just feel it. “I,” she said, “am a pony. Welcome, Navarone, to Equestria.”

What the absolute fuck? There were many possible answers I expected to hear. An alien, maybe, or a government agent testing a teleportation device on some random guy. Some weird nerd in a basement using a voice modulator, sure. But a talking pony? That never even crossed my mind.

Not that my surprise stopped her from continuing, of course. “Your skin appears to have very little hair on it. Why is that?” she asked me.

“Wait, wait, wait. You’re a talking horse. What the hell is he?” I asked, referring to Spike. “Don’t tell me: A fucking talking rat?”

“I could count that as your next question, but I’d prefer you answer mine first.” You’re lucky I can’t move, bitch. I’d reach over there and smack you one!

“Besides,” Spike said with an insulted tone, “everypony knows rats can’t talk.”

And everyone knows ponies can’t talk either… Wait, did he say everypony? I had to admit, panic was creeping back into my mind. It was being overshadowed by anger, of course. Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be many options available to me, and knowing I needed information, I kept playing her game.

“Evolution, mixed with fashion preference. A long time ago, humans had more hair on them to keep them warm without clothes. We slowly fought our way to sapience and learned that clothes were better for warmth than a lot of hair. So we started wearing clothes to keep warm. Eventually, having a lot of hair fell out of fashion, and natural selection slowly worked on it. I’m willing to bet, in a few thousand more years, we won’t have much left. Now, what is your friend Spike?”

“He’s a baby dragon,” she replied, matter-of-factly. “I got a bit from your explanation, but what is evolution?”

Oh great. A kidnapper that wants an explanation of a difficult biological concept. Cute. Wait, what? “A dragon!? How…?”

“Well, when a momma dragon and a papa dragon love each other very much…” the woman said. “I think you know how the rest goes. Now, evolution?” Ugh.

It took me a few moments to come up with a reasonable explanation. “It is a principle of science. Sometimes, a mutation will occur in a species. An easy example would be innate blindness in a cave fish. Say the rest of the fish can still see, they haven’t been trapped there long or something. This one fish that was born blind will have a small advantage, as he won’t have to worry as much about energy since his eyes don’t work. The other fish have eyes, but they can’t see in the darkness. Their eyes are just taking up small amounts of energy. The blind fish will need less energy to survive, and thus live longer to reproduce more often. That way, his genes will spread faster through the other fish. Eventually, there’s a decent probability that all the fish in the cave will be born blind. But, outside of a cave, the blind fish would likely be eaten by a predator before he can get to the age where he can reproduce. His unfitness would get him killed, so his crappy genes wouldn’t spread as far,” I explained. “Now, what do you intend to do with me?”

“Interesting theory. It even makes sense, in a way. I hope you got all that, Spike… Now, as to what I’m going to do with you… Well, I haven’t quite decided yet. I honestly wasn’t expecting to summon anything sentient, or from another world. I don’t know if I can send you back. That spell was supposed to conjure a weakened member of the most dangerous species in the world for study. You don’t seem particularly dangerous…”

“Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it has something to do with my blindness. Or the restraints I can’t quite feel. Or the long sleep deprivation I’ve had. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m coherent enough for this conversation. Gotta love adrenaline, I guess.” Suddenly, something she said hit me. “Wait, you can’t send me back?”

“There wasn’t a spell for it, and experimenting with new magic is usually suicidal, at least magic on that scale. I truly do apologize… I know an apology won’t make it up, but there’s really nothing I can do. I’ll look for a counterspell, but I can’t make any promises,” she said, sounding quite sad and morose.

“What the hell kinda scientist are you?” I asked. “What made you think bringing me here like this would be okay? Or that bringing me here at all would be right? Especially with no way of fucking sending me back! How can you possibly fucking justify that?”

“Equestria isn’t safe, so I thought I could summon something from our world, study its weaknesses, and then have it sent back to wherever it came from. But... you don’t come from this world… I didn’t know!”

“And you think that fucking excuses it? What am I supposed to do now? Wait for you to maybe come up with a solution? Try to adapt to living in some weird horse land? Or since I’m so dangerous, would you just send me off somewhere and try to forget about me?”

“I… I don’t…” She was almost to the point of tears, now.

I sighed, attempting and failing to hang my head. I don’t want to make someone cry… “If I promise not to attack you, will you at least let me down?”

I could practically hear the gears in her mind grinding. “You don’t understand,” she said at last. “If that spell worked correctly, you are the most dangerous species in the world. It was supposed to only summon monsters from this world, but you aren’t listed in any reference book I’ve seen. You could say you wouldn’t hurt me and then turn around and, well, hurt me.”

“I’m relatively pacifistic until you do something to really, really piss me off. Also, I’m blind, in case you somehow forgot. And you have magic, sharp hooves, and a dragon. What harm could I possibly do compared to that?” Discounting the stuff I still have in my pockets, courtesy of my farming job.

“He’s right, Twilight,” the little dragon said, feeling a bit better about me for the hidden compliment. “Also, you could at least remove the thing that doesn’t let him see!” I was beginning to like that kid.

Wait, what? “I’m blind because of you? Jesus, turn that shit off! At least look me in the eyes before you decide my fate!” I was more than a little angry.

She seemed rather surprised by my harsh speech. Surprised enough to not say anything for some time, at least. After a few seconds, I was starting to wonder if I should make another appeal. I opened my mouth to try something else when the fog blocking my vision started to clear. Grimly, I closed my mouth and did my best to look around the world in which I was held captive.

I appeared to be in either a library or a study. Books lined shelves partially inlaid in walls. Several tables were dotted about the room, each holding various papers and… quills? I was held, suspended by nothing, a few feet over the floor. Part of the second floor was visible from where I hung. All the furnishing appeared to be wooden.

My captors were not quite what I was expecting. The dragon was considerably smaller than I would have guessed, childish voice aside. I reminded myself he was a baby dragon, and figured she really meant baby. He was purple and green with wide eyes.

Twilight was… purple. A purple talking horse. Then I noticed she had a horn. A purple talking unicorn, it appeared. Hey, why not? Her mane was dark blue, with a deep violet line down the middle. Her tail was the same. Even her eyes were purple. Not a horse, I realized after seeing how small she was. She really was a pony, though she had very expressive eyes.

Currently, they were staring at me with what appeared to be a hint of fear, wonder, and confusion. It was somewhat hard for me to tell, however; I was hardly a people person and even then, she had a horse face.

Blinking my eyes rapidly, I took all these details down in seconds. “That’s better,” I said. “We have horses and ponies where I’m from, but I’ve never seen a purple one. Or a unicorn…” It’s amazing what you think about in situations like those. "Isn't today just full of surprises?"

“For you and me both,” she replied. “I think I’ll have to talk to the princess before I can release your other bonds. I’m really sorry, but I don’t want to risk releasing a dangerous animal in town like this.”

“He doesn’t look so tough to me,” Spike said, his false bravado showing. “I bet if you brought in Applejack and Rainbow Dash, they could crush him before he could so much as blink,” Spike told her. I couldn’t help but smile at how he perceived me. Admittedly, I wasn’t feeling so hot, but if push came to shove I could probably do a bit of damage to whoever it was they thought could crush me.

“Again, I do understand your hesitation. I hardly inspire confidence with my appearances. Perhaps you could bring in a friend or something to watch me when you make your call,” I asked with a small amount of hope. A girl like this, I was hoping, would have some weaker willed friends I could get to release me. I really didn’t want to hurt them, but I did want to be able to move again.

“Call?” she asked. “I don’t know what you mean. Spike, send the report to Celestia.”

With a flourish, he coughed up a small ball of flame and burned the message. I flinched at the unexpected flash of heat and fire.

She noticed my movement. “Don’t worry. That’s just how we send messages quickly. Her response shouldn’t take long. If you don’t mind me asking, how do you know what a dragon is? You seem to have some experience with them, but I have no idea what you are!”

“Uh… They’re legends, in my world. Like, stories of things that happened a long time ago. They weren’t real, though. Seeing one… If that’s a baby, I can only imagine how cool they look when they get bigger.” Spike seemed to enjoy the attention, standing up straighter and smiling.

“What about unicorns?” she asked. “You seemed to recognize them as well.”

“More legends. Now, I have a question. You were supposed to summon something really dangerous. This room isn’t all that big. What if whatever you had summoned was too big? Or what if it had been able to break through your spells?”

She seemed a bit taken aback. “I… I hadn’t really thought of that.” So much for her having common sense. “I suppose that’s why the spell was supposed to summon a weakened version of the species. I guess I messed up somewhere, though, because I’ve never heard of anything like you before.” No shit, bitch.

I tried to shrug, but the invisible restraints around me wouldn’t allow it. “Why are you sending that message to the princess instead of the king or queen? Did she commission the experiment?”

She looked at me oddly. “We don’t have a king or queen in Equestria.”

“So… Who rules? The princess?”

“Of course! The princess has always been our ruler. Princess Celestia reigns alongside her sister, Luna, now. They were recently reconciled after centuries of separation and bitterness.”

I was about to comment on that when Spike suddenly convulsed and belched out smoke, fire, and a scroll.

It’s an odd feeling, to have your life left up to a mysterious benefactor, communicating solely through a flaming scroll. If possible, I would have crossed my fingers.

The scroll gently floated down and Spike caught it with experienced hands. Opening it, he intoned: “My dearest Twilight, you should know better than to play with dangerous magic, especially with nopony else knowing what you’re doing! What if something had gone wrong? You do have every right to pick and choose what you research, but in the future, please come to me for advice before attempting an experiment like this. Now, I trust your judgment in dealing with this creature. If he is as dangerous as you think he is, I suggest getting your friends together in case he tries to hurt you or escape. Just be careful, and remember that I will come if you call, as always. Your loving teacher, Celestia.” His recitation ended, Spike folded up the scroll and looked to Twilight.

“I’ll listen to her suggestion. I don’t think Pinkie Pie or Rarity could help much if he turns out dangerous… Spike, go get Rainbow Dash. Tell her to find Applejack and Fluttershy and to let them know we have an emergency here. Don’t give any details, just tell her to hurry, and to tell nopony else but them.”

“Fluttershy? Are you sure you want her here?” he asked her.

“Trust me, Spike. Go,” she told him. He went. “Now, Navarone, tell me why we shouldn’t leave you restrained until you’re too weak to do any harm.”

I smiled grimly. “If you keep me up here that long, there’s a good chance you’ll be waiting until I die. If you do decide I’m weakened and you let me down, there’s no telling how pissed off I’ll be. I don’t usually hold grudges and I try to never hurt anyone, but I make exceptions for those who try to hurt others, especially when the others they hurt happen to include me.”

She didn’t look happy at that. “Just… stop talking for now. I’ll decide what to do when the others get here… Don’t talk to them, either, until I tell you it’s okay.”

I mockingly bowed my head. “As you command, jail mistress.” She actually stuck her tongue out at me.

We didn’t have to wait long. Spike came running in after a few minutes to see us making faces at each other. He looked on, confused, before reporting. “I found Rainbow Dash, but she was with Pinkie. I whispered it to her, but Pinkie knows something is wrong. I don’t know what she’ll do, though…”

“We’ll deal with her if we have to, but she probably won’t be a problem. You know how she is. Is Rainbow Dash on her way?”

“Of course. She doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong, but if there’s an emergency, you know she’ll be at her fastest,” he told her.

“Good. Now, Navarone, is there anything you want to tell me about before the others arrive?”

“Well…” I started. “I have some hidden weapons. I wasn’t going to tell you, just in case, but right now honesty seems a bit more of a better policy than silence. There’s a knife in my right upper pocket, a set of gloves in my left and right lower pockets, a set of keys in my left upper pocket, a wallet in my right lower pocket, and a lighter in my upper left. They can’t exactly do me much good up here, but I figure it’s probably better you know now than finding out when you release me…”

“I don’t know what half of those are,” she told me. “If that’s what you carry with you when you sleep, maybe it’s a good thing I kept you up there…” I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Now, though, stop talking. I want the others to see you as I first did, with no bias of your words. I’ll use their judgments as a basis for what the rest of the world will see.”

I sighed and nodded my assent. It wasn’t long before a copper pony with golden hair and green eyes ran in, halfway knocking the door down. She was… wearing a cowboy hat. They have a talking dragon. Why not add clothes? I saw that her hair and tail were tied off at the ends.

“What’s the emergency, Twilight?” the new pony asked, fixing me with a rancid glare. “Is this critter here doing something to hurt you? Looks like ya got it trussed up real tight.” Her accent was extremely southern, making me wonder if the two of us would get along if I ever got down.

But until I did get down, she was calling me a critter and thinking I was probably unintelligent. I just closed my eyes and tried to relax a bit. “No, he’s not a threat right now,” Twilight said. “But I want some other opinions on him before I let him down. I’ll tell you more when the others get here.”

I might well have fallen asleep while waiting for the next one, I was so tired. I just know that a sudden blast of wind set me rocking in my invisible binds. I opened my eyes to find a set of dark pink irises glaring at me.

That got me to try to recoil away, and I managed to open my eyes wide enough to find the set of eyes fixed on me were attached to a pony. My shock was still registering when I noticed she had wings. Talking ponies, unicorns, dragons, and now a pegasus? What other surprises await me?

I saw she was mostly blue, with a rainbow colored mane. Rainbow Dash, I presume? She got a relaxed grin from me, as I tried to look disarming. As soon as I remembered that I had fucking canines, I tried to show as little teeth as possible in the smile.

“Aw, this thing doesn’t look so scary to me,” the one I thought to be Rainbow Dash said with much brashness. “It looks about harmless. No strong hooves, no horn, its teeth are small enough. I don’t know why you need us here.”

“Looks can be deceiving,” Twilight said. “There’s something about him that I don’t trust just yet.”

“I feel it too,” Applejack muttered. Louder, she said, “Something about him just seems… off to me. Gives me a bad feeling, ya know? Fluttershy, you’re used to dealing with animals. What can you tell us about it?”

I didn’t even notice the other pony there, she was so quiet and unassuming. Her fur was bright yellow and she had a flowing pink mane. On her face was a curious but fearful gaze. I saw she also had wings. Applejack had to prod her to get her to speak up and even then she spoke so quietly I almost couldn’t hear her. “He scares me,” she whispered.

“Doesn’t take much to do that,” Rainbow joked at her. Twilight motioned her to stop and looked at Fluttershy to continue.

“There’s something about him that seems unnatural. I’ve never seen anything like him and I’ve been dealing with animals most of my life. But everypony should have a chance, Twilight. He hasn’t done anything wrong, has he?” Her voice was soft as silk and I could see where she got her name. She was so quiet, so shy, and her wings looked dainty. I could imagine her fluttering about the sky like a little butterfly.

“Spike, do you have anything to add?” Twilight asked him, seeing his incredulous looks between Applejack and Fluttershy.

“I agree with Fluttershy. It doesn’t seem fair to condemn him so quickly,” he said. “He’s done nothing to us but look odd and be weird. Haven’t we learned our lesson about that from Zecora?” They all had the decency to look abashed at that, whoever Zecora was.

Twilight was the first to break the silence. “I wasn’t entirely honest with you all, when you got here. Our… guest can speak.” Amid their odd looks, she continued. “Navarone, say something.”

At that point, I was just about bursting to say something. “You know I’m intelligent and educated, Twilight. You also know I am what you decided to summon. It’s not my fault that I’m here. Given the choice, I’d happily be back in my bed, the bed you ripped me out of. I told you what I have with me and how tired I am. I don’t know why I should say anything more until you decide what to do with me. As your little friend said, doesn’t everyone deserve a chance?”

They were silent for a few moments. Applejack was the first to break the silence. “You know, sugarcube, he’s right,” she said. “If what he said is true, then it ain’t fair to keep him up there.”

Rainbow Dash quickly added her two cents. “Applejack is right. I say let him down. If he tries anything, we can take him.”

Fluttershy just nodded, happy that her friends agreed that I should be given a chance.

Twilight deliberated for several tense seconds before sighing. “I guess I should tell you all the whole story, then…” She spent a few minutes recounting the tale of my conjuration, most of what I said, and about the items I had on me. “I don’t want to hold him forever, and the princess did give me leave to do as I felt was right, but the spell was made to summon the most dangerous thing in the world. Should we really risk letting him go?”

So much for not biasing them…

“We could leash him,” suggested Rainbow Dash. I gave her the nastiest glare I could and she had the grace to look away, blushing slightly. “Never mind…”

“I’ve already said I have no intention of hurting anyone. If you won’t believe me now then I doubt you ever will,” I said, looking at Twilight. The silence returned once more, the ponies looking at each other and at me a few times.

Twilight was the first to speak up. “I think we need to talk about this away from him. Spike, watch him. If he starts breaking free, make as much noise as you can and we’ll be there right away.” With that, the ponies walked out of the main library area, into some side room, trying to keep as much space between me and them as possible. I was left with the dragon.

“Tell me the truth, Spike. What are my chances for getting out of this mess?” I asked him. He looked at me with a wide smile, showing off some cool spiked dragon teeth.

“You’re gonna be fine. I don’t think anypony here would hurt you for no reason. I don’t know when they’ll let you go, but they won’t hurt you,” he told me. “How about you tell me about you humans?”

I sighed, and delved straight into a long lecture about political theories, comparing democracy, despotism, and monarchies and how they would fare under the economic systems of capitalism, communism, and socialism. He quickly shushed me, not at all understanding the majority of the words I was saying, and we waited in silence.

After what felt like an eternity, the ponies came back in. Fluttershy looked somewhat worried but resolute, Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked determined, and Twilight looked… resigned. I had a good feeling.

“Don’t make any sudden movements,” Twilight warned me. That was all I got before being unceremoniously dropped to the floor. I landed hard and did my best to force my stiff knees to catch me.

I slowly straightened my back, loudly popping it as it cracked into a straight line. From the first look of it, I stood at least a head and a half over the ponies and around three feet over the little dragon. My arms folded over my chest and I stood calmly, awaiting their next move.

“I would ask that you empty your pockets,” Twilight said. “If you want us to give you any degree of freedom, we can’t have you walking around with anything dangerous.”

Sighing slightly, I did as she asked. There was not a table near me, so I knelt down and emptied my pockets. Soon enough, there was a nice little collection in front of me. I jumped a little as Twilight’s horn started glowing and the objects drifted off the floor and slowly sailed towards her. “I wouldn’t play with some of those, if I were you. You might get hurt,” I warned.

She took my hint and moved them to a small table at the edge of the room. “We’ll go over them later, I guess. For now, we have to decide what to do with you. It’s getting late and I really don’t want to leave you with any means of hurting anypony…”

I did my best to look hurt. “Hey, I’ve done everything you asked and even offered a bit more. I didn’t have to tell you about my tools and I could have fled as soon as you dropped me. No offense to your friends, but you would be hard pressed to stop me if I really wanted to get away. You have nothing to fear from me, as long as you continue to treat me fairly.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked a bit insulted at my estimations of their worth, and Fluttershy paled slightly, some of the sureness in her face gone.

Spike quickly spoke up in my defense, oddly enough. “Twilight, I really don’t think he wants to hurt us. I say we let him stay here, at least for the night. We have an extra bed, after all.” I could see that this kid was really going to be useful. And it helped that he looked really cool. I mean, come on: He’s a fucking dragon!

Applejack and Rainbow Dash weren’t very happy with that plan. “You want to leave him in the middle of Ponyville?” Applejack asked. I snorted at the name of the town. “We could easily take him to my place outside a’ town! If he turns out to be dangerous, we’ll be in a much better area to stop him.”

Rainbow Dash looked at me askance before turning her eyes back to Twilight. “Better than that, you could use that spell on him to make him able to walk on clouds, then I could take him to my place and leave him there for the night. There wouldn’t be anywhere for him to go or anypony for him to hurt.”

Twilight took a second to consider. “Moving him would be too risky. There are too many ponies around. If they see him, they might panic, or ask questions we don’t want to answer yet. Both of those plans are good possibilities for later, if we need them, but for now they wouldn’t quite work. We just have to leave him here and hope he sticks to his word…” I smiled triumphantly. “However,” she continued, “I wouldn’t mind the company, if you two wanted to stay here and help me watch him. Fluttershy, you’re welcome to go home; you haven’t been able to look at him easily since I let him down.”

Fluttershy looked at her, a bit flustered. “I’ll stay here. I know he won’t hurt us!” I’m starting to like her, too. The others, not to be outdone by this quiet pony’s easy assent, quickly added their voices to hers in confirming their readiness to watch over me.

“Come now, ladies, there’s no real need to guard me this much. I already said I intend no damage, and I always keep my word,” I told them. They gave me that typical woman look. At least some things never change. I sighed and said offhandedly to Spike, “Where I come from, there are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.” He burst out laughing and I got at least a smile out of Rainbow Dash before she quickly smoothed her face. I snapped my fingers in defeat. “Fine, watch me if you must. I see it’ll be hard to earn your trust.”

That was a long, long night… for them. For me, it passed just as quick as you please. At that point, I was so exhausted that they could have been yodeling and I probably would have slept right through it. No dreams, good or bad, haunted me that night. It was nice and easy.

When the sun finally peeked through the leaves on the branches outside my window—I later learned we were in a giant tree—I easily woke up and got a good look at the land in which I was now a permanent resident.

My eyes had never bore witness to a more colorful landscape. Flowers littered the ground in seemingly random jumbles, laid so well that I couldn’t tell if they were natural or not. The grass was a beautiful and vibrant shade of green the likes of which I only saw in the deepest part of spring back home. The buildings glowed with every shade of color I could imagine, not something I’d commonly see within the city from which I hailed. Looking at the sky, I could see a few pegasi in the clouds, looking like they were trying to push them around.

The first thought I had upon seeing everything was that I had to be in some kind of freaky alternate dimension. There were too many similarities for it to be an entirely new world.

Before I could take in many more details, I was pulled back from the window. I turned to see Twilight appear to shrug before saying, “Sorry, but I don’t want to risk anypony seeing you just yet.”

I sighed, rolling out of bed and stretching slightly. “What’s the agenda today?” I asked her. “More interrogations, or are you just going to deliberate what to do with me? And…” I felt my stomach shift, “I don’t suppose you have any food that I would be able to eat?”

“After your good behavior last night,” she said, getting me to snort, “we were thinking of introducing you to two of my other friends,” she continued. “And my friend Applejack brought you some—Wait. What can you eat?”

“Fruit. Meat.” She shuddered at that and looked at me with an expression I was beginning to recognize as concern. “Some vegetables. What do ponies eat?”

She looked happier to be explaining something. “Fruit, vegetables, grass, flowers. Some of us even eat leaves. So you eat meat?”

“I can eat it, yes,” I said. “But it is also possible for humans to live without it.” Though it sucks when you have to. “With Spike as an assistant, I don’t know why you would find it so hard to accept something that does eat it.”

“Spike doesn’t eat meat,” she answered, looking at me with something else in her face. Disgust, perhaps.

What the fuck kind of dragon doesn’t eat meat? I shrugged. “You said your friend Applejack brought me something. I’m willing to bet my useless money that she brought me apples?” Twilight nodded. “I can eat those, assuming they’re the same apples we have in our world.” Twilight sagged slightly and gave me what I’m pretty sure was a smile.

I raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She tried searching my face for something, but gave up. I felt the same way; I had no idea how to read a pony face. “Come on down to the main room,” she said. “They’re already here.”

I followed her to the staircase and we descended into the foyer. I heard two astonished gasps. “Oh my word, what is that… thing?” one of the new ponies said. She was another unicorn, I saw. Her main body was white, with a bright purple mane and tail. Her dark blue eyes looked at me with what I thought was barely disguised fear.

The other reaction was not so rude, though it was just as startling. It was a surprised squeal and a very fast uttering of words that I had no chance at all of interpreting. I saw this one was pink, with a darker pink mane that was rather massively curly. Her light blue eyes stared at me with glee.

Since the white one seemed to be the bitchier of the two, I glared at her. “Nice to meet you too, toots. I guess you learned your manners guarding a concentration camp?”

She had the grace to look ashamed, at least. I probably shouldn’t have been so harsh, but a slowly growing anger with the entire situation at hand gave my words a sharper edge. Though, thinking about it, they probably had no idea what a concentration camp was…

Twilight cleared her throat. “Pinkie Pie, Rarity, this is Navarone. He is my… guest. He’s a human.”

I bowed mockingly.

“I apologize for my… outburst. I’ve just never seen anything like you!” Rarity said, actually sounding like she meant the apology instead of most of the dickwads I’ve run into that just say it to get out of some manner of punishment.

“Consider it forgotten,” I told her. “Where I come from, the exchange we had would not have needed apologizing, as our faults canceled each other out. I suppose I need to learn new rules here.”

Now, it seemed the pink one once again had something to say. “What are you gonna do with him, Twilight? Can we keep him? Huh, huh?”

I could tell it was going to be a long day.

One long, long day later, I was still not that much closer to many answers. Apparently, these ponies had more technology than their simple accommodations gave them credit for. Twilight led me and her friends down to a cellar full of science equipment and started to hook me up to some of it. I was feeling decidedly uncomfortable about the situation. “Are you sure all of this is necessary?” I asked, flexing my arm against the chair cuffs she had it in.

“We’re just running some tests,” Twilight told me. “We have to make sure you don’t have anything in you that might make us sick or unhealthy. Some of the containment spells I cast on you when you were summoned will be wearing off soon and I don’t want to risk anything. Cooperating will make us more willing to trust you.”

“What about the others?” I asked. “Do they really have to—”

Suddenly, a lightning bolt shot up and down my spine. “Oooh, that’s what that does!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. I was left speechless, smoking slightly, my hair thrown about.

“Sweet Celestia!” Rarity said, rushing to my side. Both she and Fluttershy attempted to do some manner of comforting to me, for what little good their hooves did against my skin.

After a few moments, I spat out a bit of smoke and managed to find my voice. “Son of a bitch! Don’t. Do. That. Again!” I hissed at that horrid pink horse. “Why would you keep something like that in your lab anyway?” I asked Twilight.

At least Rainbow Dash was amused, struggling not to laugh at my disheveled appearance. The others seemed a bit taken aback, either at my voice or Pinkie Pie’s rashness. Or maybe by how quickly I recovered. Hell, I don’t fucking know.

“Well, excuse me for being curious!” Pinkie said. “But wasn’t it so cool!”

“That’s actually not supposed to happen,” Twilight said. “In fact, I don’t know how she did it.” Seeing Pinkie Pie move to show her, Twilight quickly added, “And don’t show me how it’s done, either. I don’t want him to turn violent…”

The rest of the testing went relatively smoothly, though I must admit a few of the tests had me a bit flustered. Some of their comments on the anatomical differences were also a bit… disconcerting. From their comments, I’d put these ponies at the age of young adults, maybe equivalent to our eighteen to twenty year olds. All female, of course, aside from Spike. It was, as I said, a long day.

“So as far as I can tell, you’re healthy,” Twilight told me. “I don’t know much—well, anything—about human physiology, but you look okay, even after that nasty shock.”

It was nearing night again and her friends actually left. That surprised me. “You trust me enough already to not need a group to watch me?” I asked.

“We’re a trusting species,” she told me. “Don’t abuse our trust and we’ll get along fine. Besides, from some of your actions today, you seem like a decent sort. And from what I was able to tell of your condition from some of the other… tests,” she said, blushing slightly, “you’re hardly in a position to harm us, not without some kind of weapon.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I flatly said. “Now how am I to defend myself if you decide I am some kind of threat? Should I just roll over and accept death?”

“To answer the first question, you are obviously a threat. Just probably not to us, unless, as Pinkie demonstrated, we do something to anger or hurt you. Most ponies wouldn’t do that. To answer the second, I don’t think anypony would actually try to kill you. We always try to help everypony. If that isn’t possible, exile is usually the preferred method.”

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but you can’t always get what you want. Christ, I was finding that out faster than most Africans do at a Red Cross aid station. God, I’m such a terrible person...

The next morning found me sleeping in for quite a while. God help me, but it felt good not to have to wake up for school or have to help out on a damn animal farm. I could feel myself returning to normal, for better or worse.

It was with a happy feeling that I removed myself from the guest bed. I was in a relatively good mood for the first time in a while, which should have been the first sign of something bad about to come.

Twilight was waiting for me in the main room of her little hovel. Rarity was there with her, annoyingly. Not so much annoying as—well, fuck it: That pony gets on my nerves, raw and plain.

A smiling Twilight said, “Rarity is our chief fashion designer here in Ponyville. Since it looks like you’re going to be here for some time, it’s important that you have something else to wear. Or at least, it’s probably important to you. I honestly don’t think it matters to most ponies. We wouldn’t know the difference anyway.”

“Besides, what you came here in is so… Ugh,” Rarity said with no small amount of disgust. What does she have against cargo shorts and a t-shirt? “Twilight doesn’t want you seen outside this building yet, so I had to bring all my measuring tools here. I do hope you’ll accept my offer. I would love the challenge and being able to say that I was the first to design clothing for the newest discovered species!”

“I would love to accept, but I have no way to pay for the labor. It hardly seems fair, in my mind,” I said.

“Oh, you needn’t worry about that, Navarone!” Rarity quickly said. “Everypony knows you’re in a tight spot and every one of us is here to help you adjust. Getting into local fashion would help so much with that!” That’s… a semi-decent point, actually.

“...I suppose, but please don’t dress me pompously. Keep it simple. I don’t know if you can make denim, but otherwise direct copies of my shirt and pants would be good. There’s no way I’ll blend in with the crowds, but that doesn’t mean I have to stick out like a sore thumb. If anyone asks why you didn’t design better clothes, just tell them that this is the fashion back where I come from and hope no one decides to copy it.”

She seemed a bit taken aback by my tirade and possibly insulted. “Keeping it simple? Navarone, that is what a laypony is for. I’m here to dress you up like what you are: The one and only member of a species no one has ever seen before! The mystery, the intrigue!” Her voice dropped, her lower lip quivered, and her eyes got big and teary at this next bit: “You wouldn’t deny poor little me the opportunity of a lifetime, would you?”

I looked at her for a second before bursting out in laughter. She just glared until I managed to recover. “Fashion means nothing to me. I don’t care what everyone else is doing or what most of them think. As I said, if you’re going to make me anything, keep it simple.”

I honestly thought she was going to call me a heathen and try to strike me down. Sadly, Twilight stepped in. “I think what he means, Rarity, is that he doesn’t want to cause too much of a scene. His appearance will already cause quite a bit of stir. There’s no reason to make it worse unnecessarily.”

Rarity still looked ready to fight, but one look at the combined front of reason made her sigh with resignation and get to work measuring me.

I will admit, she did a fine and thorough job of it, especially for having no hands. Magic has its uses, I suppose.

“Now, about payment, or something of that nature,” I began. I didn’t get any farther, not that I really expected to.

“Don’t worry about it,” I was told. I shrugged. Your fault I’m here anyway, I thought. Still, doesn’t feel right. I hate charity.

Noticing their looks, I figured I would have to explain some human mannerisms. “That was a shrug.” That was enough of an explanation for them to understand.

Measurements done, Rarity trundled away, muttering unpleasant things under her breath. As the door closed, I turned to Twilight. “She really didn’t like that, did she?”

“She likes getting her way and she lives for fashion. Meeting somepony who doesn’t, and is willing to stick by that position, unnerved her and made her somewhat angry. You should be happy she didn’t fight the issue,” she told me. God, Rarity sounds like a bitch.

“So, what’s next on the agenda?” I asked. “Surely you have some other cruel or unusual test you need to run on me, or something else planned.”

Sadly, she didn’t rise to the bait. She’s learning. “Next, you have a meeting with the mayor. Since you still can’t exactly go wandering around Ponyville, she’ll have to come here. That means you get to help me clean up. Seeing as how you have thumbs, it shouldn’t be that hard.”

“You have magic. Why can’t you just magic the place clean?” I asked.

“There is no spell strong enough to clean up this train wreck,” she told me. I think she was exaggerating, myself. It’s probably a good thing she couldn’t see my room as I left it behind. Of course, if she had been able to see it, she probably wouldn’t have seconded me to help clean…

“And where is your faithful helper in all this?” I asked. “Surely he knows better where all these books go than I would.”

“He’s talking to the mayor, actually,” Twilight answered. “She’s so busy that it’s hard to get her to stop by alone without making it seem like too much of an emergency. So, get to cleaning.”

I’ll skip the cleaning. It was boring, though I did find they had a shitty categorical system. While we were cleaning, Twilight and I talked more about this world. I already knew about Celestia and Luna, but apparently the ponies here believed they raised and lowered the sun and moon. Now, in my world the sun rises and lowers by itself and I wouldn’t be so surprised to learn Celestia and Luna were lying about controlling them so they could force the ponies to keep them in power.

That said, I’m not stupid enough to mention it. If my suspicions were true, my head might end up on a chopping block for speaking out about it. Besides, Twilight’s a talking unicorn that can do magic. For all I knew, it actually was true that they controlled the sun and moon. I didn’t believe it myself, but it wasn’t my place to say anything.

However, I mentioned the shitty categorical system to Twilight when we were finished. “Why don’t you have a standard categorization system for books?” I asked. Hell, with their hooves, why do they even have books? It can’t be easy to turn the pages.

“We do have a system!” she said. “Every so often, I pull all the books off the shelves and put them where I think they should go. That way I’ll always know where they are.”

“…This is a library, you said.”

“Yep! The only one in Ponyville!”

“And you’re the only librarian?”

“Uh-huh. Spike helps out a bit too, of course.”

“And you don’t see any problem with the fact that no one else can find a book but you or Spike?”

“Why would there be a problem?”

“What if someone wanted to check out a book but couldn’t find it? Or what if they knew where a book was one day and wanted to come back to get it later, but couldn’t find it in the same spot and gave up?”

She blinked and asked, “Well, how do you humans organize books?”

I explained the Dewey Decimal System. About a quarter of the way into it her mouth dropped. About halfway into it, she had me start over so she could take notes.

“That’s genius, Navarone!” she said when I finished. “Why did we never think of that?”

I shrugged. “Took us a while, too. Probably why the heathens burned the Library of Alexandria; they couldn’t find the children’s section.”

Her mouth dropped. “Somepony burned a library in your world?”

“Not a library, Twilight, the library. There were scrolls in that place that were thousands of years old. All of mankind’s knowledge in one place, all lost when the barbarians put it to the torch. Damn shame. Now we keep just about everything on computers, though we still have libraries out and about.” I could tell I piqued her interest, and hid a smile. Well, Twilight isn’t suspicious of me anymore.

I’ll also skip the meeting with the mayor. It was much the same as my meeting with Twilight’s friends, though it did involve more promises not to hurt anyone without a very, very good reason. It was a very unpleasant conversation. I swear, these ponies thought I was the devil or something.

The rest of the day passed with little incident. I tried to show the ponies that I wasn’t a completely irredeemable person, but every time I saw a chance for a good one liner, I plugged it in. If you… know what I mean. I did, at least, remove most of my sex jokes. Not like those ponies would have gotten those anyway. Or at least, I don’t think they would have.

The next day brought me sleeping in quite a bit less. Thankfully, the effects of sleep deprivation don’t hit the young as bad as they do the old. I was mostly over it by that point and my senses were working better than they had in a long, long time. That enabled me to start noticing more and more about my new world.

The first thing I had a chance to notice when I woke up was a very large and very blue set of eyes right in my face. I won’t lie, I jumped. And yelled an obscenity. Pinkie Pie’s reaction was funnier, admittedly. She started hiccupping when I yelled. Have you ever seen a horse hiccup? Funniest thing I ever saw. We both started giggling.

“So aside from being creepy, why were you staring at me while I slept?” I asked her when that little episode was over.

“Well, I was going to apologize for shocking you, but then I saw you sleeping, and then I realized that I’d never seen a human sleeping before, and I wanted to see how different it would be from a pony sleeping, so I was watching you while you slept!”

All that came out in a rather quick tirade that was a bit disquieting. “Well, what did you discover? Am I that different from a pony?”

“Uh huh! Your face is all squished and flat! Also, your eyes are super small, and are a very dark green instead of the bright colors most ponies have. I didn’t notice that while you were sleeping, though…”

“Pinkie… you are a little random, aren’t you? Also, apology accepted. Accidents happen, I suppose. Hell, I’m here because of one.” In more ways than one. “So, does Twilight know you’re up here? Or did you manage to sneak past her oppressive guard?”

“Silly Nav, Twilight’s not oppressive! But she does know I’m up here.”

“Not oppressive to you, maybe, but I’ve been cramped in this library since I got here. Does she actually live here or is she just staying here?”

When she started to answer, I noticed her tail start to spaz out. I thought it was having a seizure or something, and asked her about it.

As soon as I mentioned it, she squawked and looked around for something to duck under. Just as she jumped under a table and I took the hint and fell off the bed, the window exploded and a blue mass went crashing into the far wall.

“Jesus!” I yelled. “What the hell was that?” Seeing Rainbow Dash twitching against the wall, I rushed over to check her for injuries. Surprisingly, despite crashing through several branches, a glass window, and then into a wall at a speed so fast that I couldn’t even register what she was, the pony was somehow completely undamaged. Not a feather out of place.

“How the hell are you not broken?” I asked her. “What you just did should have had you scratched to hell and probably smeared across the wall!”

“I’m used to it,” she said. “They used to call me Rainbow Crash back in school…”

Note to self: Never accept a ride from these ponies. Jesus.

Pinkie Pie was digging her way out of the wreckage around the table as Twilight started running up the stairs to see what was amiss. She just sighed when she saw her window. “Another new window… Thanks, Rainbow Dash.”

“Sorry, Twilight…” she muttered. “You know how it is.”

“So… is this a normal occurrence in Ponyland?” I asked. “I’m not certain I want to sleep in a room with a window if it is. Christ, I don’t even know how she isn’t a broken mess! You ponies must be more resilient than jets.”

They were confused by jets. I just waved it off, telling them to forget it. No use explaining tech they wouldn’t understand.

“I don’t crash that often!” protested Rainbow Dash. “Besides, I totally planned that anyway!”

“Yeah. Sure you did,” I said, somewhat resigned and rubbing my temple slightly. “Sorry if I seem a bit… testy. I’ve been trapped inside for the past few days, completely separated from any chance of ever seeing my home or family again, trapped here in a world where things thought impossible are apparently commonplace, with a load of personalities that are very different from mine. It will take some… adjustment, I suppose. Though, thinking about it, you likely wouldn’t know the difference from a testy me and a normal me.”

“We understand, Navarone,” Twilight said. “I’ve been looking for a spell to send you back, but there’s nothing about it in any of my books. I even asked Princess Celestia to look into it, but she has reported no luck. As far as I can tell, you’re stuck here…” God fucking dammit.

“So, what’s on today’s agenda?” I sighed, slowly growing resigned to my fate. Thank God for shock, I suppose. And hell, maybe I’ll get lucky and wake up to find this was all a dream.

The two other options—that I either finally went truly insane or that this was actually real—were both more terrifying than I could handle at the moment.

Anyway, the clothes were done. And apparently, a certain white pony seems to have a hard time taking instructions.

“Rarity, you seem too smart to be unable to take simple instructions. Why, I wonder, did you make me clothes that go completely against what I asked you to make? I understand we didn’t quite get off the most… understandable… start, but that’s no reason to torture me with your vibrant monstrosities,” I told her.

She was not at all pleased with my choice of words, but took great pains to hide her anger. “Because fashion cannot be dictated by one pony! Or human, I suppose. I simply couldn’t let you go on to wear more of what you are now! It would be a disgrace to my profession!”

“You are a very dramatic pony. I suppose you never thought that perhaps I wanted to go against your pony fashions? That perhaps, in doing so, I would create a counter fashion that all the ponies in the know would rush to copy? In my world, if a guest from another world came by, the cattle in charge of fashion would rush to copy his every stitch. I figured your fashion industry—if you ponies even have one, for whatever stupid reason—is run the same way. What better chance would I have to be accepted here if I, seemingly accidentally, started an entire fashion trend based off human designs?” I didn’t exactly feel right lying like that, but I was starting to just not care at all.

“Your fashion industry is run by cows?” Pinkie Pie asked. “I thought only humans could talk in your world!” I jumped when she spoke up. Honestly, I thought she had left. She was being uncharacteristically quiet, looking over the books on the shelves.

“Figure of speech, Pinkie. Figure of speech…” I said. God, these ponies are going to drive me to drink. Doubt they even have booze here…

During that small exchange, Rarity was mulling over what I said. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, quite like a fish. It was… satisfying. Finally, she said, “I think I see your point, though wearing our fashions might have the same effect of helping you fit in.”

“Is it truly too much to ask for a few comforts from home?” I asked, running one of my hands over the fabric of my shirt. “Not that I really mind pony fashion, now that I see some of what you’ve made. But I would rather stick to what I know than completely submerge myself entirely. But there’s no reason to waste the cloth. If it can’t be recycled, I’ll at least hold on to these and wear them on special occasions, or something,” I told her. The beaming smile I got back almost made me regret lying earlier.

I stopped almost regretting it with what came next, of course. “You simply must try them all on!” she exhorted. Give a mouse a cookie.

“I would… but I’m sure Twilight has something else planned for me this day. Something long and dreadful that you wouldn’t want to be around for.”

“Welllll,” Twilight started. I flashed her a look and she took the hint. “Yes, actually. Run along, Rarity. I’m sure your work will fit him just fine.”

“But Twilight!” Rarity whined before being unceremoniously bundled out the door.

I sighed in relief but jumped as Pinkie Pie spoke up again. “Now we can talk about your Welcome to Ponyville Party!”

What. I gave Twilight a look. She answered me with a shake of her head. I turned to Pinkie and said, “I’m allergic to parties.”

Every bone in her body jerked as she shot her entire body toward me. Her eyes went so wide that by all rights they should have popped out. It scared the shit out of me. “What. Did. You. Say?” she uttered in a voice that should have had me quivering in fear.

But I am man, the greatest species out there, and we do not shake before prey animals. I pulled on some hidden source of willpower and said, “Parties. I’m allergic to them. Deathly so, I’m afraid. Having a party for me would be simply impossible.” Needless to say, this was all a lie.

She seemed to withdraw in on herself as she muttered something, looking as though she was deep in thought. Twilight was giving me an intrigued look. “Humans can be allergic to parties?” she asked. “What else can you be allergic to?”

“We can talk about it later, Twilight. I think Pinkie has something else she needs to say.”

She did, apparently. “I know I can’t throw you a party… but would cupcakes make up for it?”

“How about muffins instead?” I asked. “I prefer them and I don’t really like icing.”

Her mouth dropped. I thought for a second that I broke her, as her eyes seemed to glaze over. Twilight was looking at me with fear in her eyes. I almost said something when Pinkie jerked again. “We’ll see about that,” she finally announced. I had a feeling that I had made a very big mistake. She pulled something from somewhere—I don’t know where, I guess her poofy hair—and threw it on the ground, making a cloud of pink smoke. When it dissipated, she was gone.

I seem to be getting a lot of practice with long-suffering sighs, lately. Something told me that this was only the beginning.

“You’re sure this is a good idea?” I whispered. “It’s not too late to just kill me and sweep my corpse under the rug, you know."

“Killing you would make too much of a mess and would ruin all the effort you put into cleaning this place,” Twilight whispered back. She was getting used to my kind of humor. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. “Besides, it’s not like we’re going to be giving you a grand entrance. You’re just going outside and anypony that wants to ask, will. Then I’ll have to explain that you’re an interdimensional being that I accidentally summoned and that you are part of the most dangerous species anywhere.”

“Gee, when you put it that way, I’m sure everything will go just fine,” I said. “Tell me again about what happened with that zebra, and how well the town took it. At least a zebra is pony shaped!”

“If I didn’t know any better, I would say you were nervous. I thought you were too calm and collected for that! Just remember the plan,” she said. “Now, are you ready?”

“No,” I replied, pushing open the door to the bright world beyond.

“It is my opinion as the ambassador to the human race,” Twilight said a few hours later, “that it could have been worse.”

“You need to learn to lie better. We’ll have to work on that,” I told her. Admittedly, she wasn’t wrong. I could be dead right now or completely ostracized. I can’t really say it was that bad, really. Some people—people, ponies, whatever—just don’t know how to stick to a plan.

The plan was simple. Twilight and I decided that it would be best if the residents of Ponyville saw me together with respected ponies, talking and laughing and whatnot. We were going to make a circuit of the town, meeting with each of Twilight’s friends and moving on after a short while, answering questions as they were asked. Simple enough, right?

No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy, I’ve always heard. I was hoping to be an exception. That’s what I get for hoping.

It started innocently enough. Rainbow Dash was supposed to do some manner of show or something silly like that in the park. Twilight and I showed up for that, trailed by a large group of ponies that were staring at me and wondering, often aloud, just what the fuck I was.

I can’t tell you how many times we answered that damn question. It was in this first outing that I learned how truly skittish those damn ponies were.

Either way, Dash’s show went reasonably well until she came down to talk with us, to ‘ask for suggestions.’ I didn’t really know shit about flying, so I just told her to do a barrel roll. You know, what anyone would tell her to do.

It ended poorly with a freak accident involving clouds, feathers, and crashing into a fucking mountain that appeared out of nowhere. Twilight rushed me off before too many of the ponies could accuse me of being evil and causing the accident. I later learned that Dash was perfectly alright somehow.

Our next stop was Rarity’s villa. On the way there I tried to explain to Twilight some of the physics behind what Dash was doing. Truth be told, I was still a relative layman to hefty subjects like that, but I knew more than the average person. I was honestly quite surprised at how easily Twilight understood what I was telling her. Sure, she’s smart and all, but understanding physics without seeing it worked out is something else.

But I digress: Rarity’s fashion shop, the Carousel Boutique. I’ll admit, I grimaced when I saw it. The place was so… garish, actually being decked out like a carousel. Some of the witnesses saw my expression and the teeth that came with it and visibly shuddered.

That stop went a little better. Rarity was asked to have her store closed that day, to facilitate the meeting. “Hello Twilight, Navarone,” the white unicorn said after opening the door.

“Hello, Rarity,” Twilight answered.

I just said, “Howdy.”

“Please, come inside,” Rarity said, holding the door open for us. Into the belly of the beast the two of us went, the door to the comparative safety of the town closing behind us. “I apologize for the mess.” There wasn’t one. The entire place was clean. “I’ve just been so busy lately that I haven’t had time to keep it up.”

“That’s no problem,” Twilight said with an easy smile. “So what did you have planned?”

“Why, a tea party!” Oh God why. “What better way to demonstrate Mister Navarone’s manners?”

“Oh boy,” I sighed, not even trying to sound enthusiastic. Why did tea parties have to be a thing here? Can they even hold the cups? “And you’re sure the manners we humans have are the same as those you ponies have?”

“Well that’s what we’re here to find out, isn’t it?” Rarity asked with a very assured smile.

“...Alright, I guess. But I wasn’t part of any kind of fancy society, so don’t expect much from me.”

“Oh, don’t worry, dear. Everypony has some manners. Just do your best and I’m sure that’ll be fine.” ...Did I just get insulted?

Anyway, so began Rarity’s little tea party between me, her, and Twilight Sparkle. It was going fairly well until the front door slammed open. Thankfully, we were in the kitchen, so we didn’t really see any of what was happening in the main room.

“It is I, Photo Finish!” some female voice said with an Eastern-European accent.

Rarity’s eyes slammed open and her head jerked toward the door to the front room. If she wasn’t already completely white, I’d say she paled. After a few seconds of silence, she quickly turned back to Twilight and quietly hissed, “Out!”

“But—”

Rarity’s horn lit up and the back door in the kitchen slammed open. “Now!” she whispered, even more hectically. From the frantic look in her eyes, I don’t think we had long before she’d get violent. Needless to say, I stood and quickly let myself out, trusting that Twilight would follow.

As I’m sure you can imagine, having to sneak out the back door did wonders for what the townsponies thought of me.

Pinkie Pie was next.

Pinkie Pie… I didn’t much care for her at the time. Sure, she was incredibly nice and kind and all that fun stuff, but she was just too… too much. Too chipper. Too happy. Too much in love with icing.

When Twilight and I got to the bakery at which she works, the lights immediately shut off. A single spotlight showed us a table with three chairs. If it had been night, I would have called this creepy. But since this was day and the windows were open, the lights being off did nothing. We were able to perfectly see Pinkie standing next to the light switches, watching us with a disturbing smile.

Twilight face-hoofed. “Pinkie, what are you doing?”

Pinkie’s eyes darted left and right. When she saw us still looking at her, she covered her eyes with a hoof. A moment later she peeked out to see us still staring. I crossed my arms. “Ugh, just sit down!” she finally said. Twilight and I did as she said, sitting at the table indicated.

When we looked back over to Pinkie’s spot, she had disappeared. “So what’s this all about?” I asked.

“I have no idea. You were supposed to show her how to bake something from your world. I guess… she had something else in mind?”

Something tightened around my eyes and I went blind. I immediately shot a hand to the blindfold and pulled it off. Another one replaced it. I took it off. Another went up. I stood up and removed it, glaring behind me. I saw Pinkie next to a large stack of fabric that wasn’t there when I sat down. “Can I help you?” I asked in a harsh voice.

“Yes! Sit down and let me blindfold you.”

“That doesn’t sound very enjoyable. How about we not do that?”

“Psh. Silly, that’s not how it works!”

“Twilight?” I said, looking over to the purple pony.

“Pinkie, what are you doing? I’m sure if you explain it, Navarone will be more willing to cooperate.” Like hell.

“Well, I remember him saying that he didn’t like icing or cupcakes as much as muffins, so I’m planning on proving him wrong! I’m going to blindfold him and force-feed him muffins and cupcakes until he agrees that my cupcakes are better than Derpy’s muffins!” Sounds hot. Or at least, if we weren’t talking about horses.

“I don’t know who Derpy is, but I really don’t like icing. I don’t mind the actual cupcakes, as long as they don’t have icing on them.” I shrugged. “Too sugary for me.”

Pinkie jerked back and muttered something that I swear sounded like “Blasphemy.” I didn’t really care, though.

“So… why don’t we just go with the original plan?” Twilight asked. “Navarone doesn’t seem to like icing and if he says it’s too sugary, it’s too sugary. We don’t know what his human body and taste buds are like, Pinkie.”

“Then let’s test them! Now if you would just sit down and let me blindfold you, we can begin.”

“I’m willing to do half of those, and that’s the half that doesn’t involve blinding me. You’re really making this overly difficult.”

“Me? I’m not the one that’s making this difficult. You’re the one that’s refusing to let me blindfold you!”

Twilight sighed. “Pinkie, don’t blindfold Nav. Nav, sit down. We have a schedule to follow and if we don’t follow it we’ll be late. If we’re late, Nav won’t be able to get everywhere and if he can’t get everywhere he won’t be accepted!”

We both looked at her oddly. “I don’t think that’s how it works,” Pinkie said. “If he’d just let me throw him a party all of Ponyville would meet him!”

“I’m allergic to parties, remember?”

“Yeah, but I’m sure we could find some lotion or something!”

“Deathly allergic,” I said. “As in, I would die.”

“At least you would die smiling!”

“There are other ways I’d rather die, thank you,” I flatly answered.

Twilight looked a bit intrigued at that. “What does your culture have to say about death?” she asked. That it fucking sucks.

“I think we can talk about that later,” I answered. “I’m pretty sure we still have to deal with Pinkie. So, are you going to not blindfold me?”

Pinkie looked at the piece of cloth she had in her hooves. With a sigh she let it fall. “Fine. But you’re still going to try my cupcakes!”

Dammit. “Fine. I’ll try a maximum of three.”

She rocketed off to the kitchen as I joined Twilight at the table again. “So…” she said.

“If I end up living here, am I going to have to put up with that often?”

She sighed. “Pinkie’s… different. Just be happy she isn’t forcing you to go to a party anyway.”

I didn’t have time to answer. Pinkie came bustling out of the kitchen, pulling a cart lined with at least fifty cupcakes.

“Okay, eating that many would make me really, really sick,” I said. “It’s a good thing you two are sharing.” Pinkie stopped the cart at our table and set out several trays of cupcakes. Each one was unique. “Good lord. I thought we were going to be eating cupcakes, not art,” I said, looking at them.

“Silly, cupcakes are art! All the more reason to like them!” She grabbed one and shoved it into her mouth.

“That was kind of horrifying,” I commented. “How about you not do that again?”

“How else am I supposed to eat them?” she asked after swallowing it whole.

“By taking decent sized bites? Or at the very least chewing before you swallow? Or,” I asked, turning to Twilight, “do ponies not need to chew?”

“Most of us do,” she said. “Pinkie’s just… special.”

“Now when you say special—”

“Dig in, Navi!” Pinkie yelled, shoving a cupcake across the table at me.

“Hey listen, please don’t call me that.” I picked the cupcake up and looked it over. The top was saturated in pink icing. The rest of it looked normal. I sighed and took a bite. I almost gagged on the sugar, just barely managing to force it down. I finished the cupcake off and swallowed with what felt like a grim finality. Pinkie was looking at me with such a hopeful expression. “No.”

She blinked. “No?”

“No,” I confirmed.

Her ears fell. “No…” She grabbed another cupcake and pushed it forward, her ears raising a bit.

“No. That almost made me throw up from how much sugar it had in it. I don’t know how you can stand it.”

“But… but…” She pulled that one back and pushed one with a tiny bit less icing forward.

“No.” That process continued for a minute. I rejected six more.

“Perhaps I can help,” Twilight said. She used her magic to pull a cupcake with almost no icing out and removed all of it. She passed the glob of icing to Pinkie, who devoured it. The cupcake flew my way.

I sighed and grabbed it, taking a hesitant bite. “Edible, but only just. Even this has a ridiculous amount of sugar in it. Human bodies aren’t meant to take too much sugar. We can easily get sick and even die from too much. I have no idea what the limit is, but I imagine eating a few more of these would put me there until my body started breaking the sugar down.”

Pinkie looked depressed, now. “How can you live without being able to eat such tasty treats?”

“We get by on other things. I don’t care for sweets all that much anyway. My diet is already going to take a kick while I’m here. I shouldn’t interrupt it any more than necessary.”

“Well, what kinds of food did you used to eat back home?” Pinkie asked.

Now there’s a conversation I can get into. I told her all about some of the better vegetarian dishes. Salsa, nachos, pizza, mushrooms, sautéed vegetables, all that good stuff. At the end of the conversation, we made nachos from stuff that was just lying around the bakery. It was pretty fucking awesome. By the time we left, I no longer considered Pinkie as annoying. In fact, that was pretty much the best showing all day. We departed on amiable terms, with her promising to look into the other things I mentioned.

The plan dictated that we visit Fluttershy next. This was the worst trip of the day: Fluttershy wasn’t there. And while we knocked and knocked and waited and waited, the muttering in the small crowd of onlookers that followed us grew louder.

“The poor pony is so scared she won’t even open the door!” one said.

“Why won’t they leave her alone?” another asked. “It’s obvious she won’t open that door.”

And so on. It was… bad. I quietly suggested to Twilight that we move on. She hastily agreed. We later found out why Fluttershy wasn’t there: an animal emergency came up and she was called away to deal with it. A justifiable excuse, but the rep I lost with the crowd made me wish the animal she was called to deal with had just died.

Our last stop was Applejack, of course. The plan was for us to go to the farm, stay for a short time so I could help out or something, and then have her follow us back into town. We went on down to the farm and stayed for a while, and that’s where the problem was: I don’t know shit about harvesting plants. My family worked with animal farms, not growing farms. And the animals we had couldn’t fucking talk, so taking care of them proved a very different task than what I was used to.

Some things were the same, though. She had chickens that I deftly stole eggs from, pigs that I fed with no problems, and… ugh, cows that I introduced myself to.

But when it came to harvesting apples? I watched Applejack kick a tree with her back legs, something she called ‘apple bucking,’ and just shook my head. “No way in hell,” I said. “You got a roof or fence I can repair? A well to dig? More animals to take care of?”

“Hm… We do got ourselves a fence that needs fixin’ up. Cain’t promise our tools’ll fit your hands that well, but you’re welcome to give it a shot.”

I smiled, my hands clenching at the prospect of something I could actually do. “We talking barbed wire or wooden?” I asked as she led me to her barn.

“...What the hay is barbed wire?” she asked. “It sounds… painful.”

“Ah… If you don’t know, don’t worry about it.” No need to tell her we use pain to keep our animals in line…

As it turns out, they didn’t have any nails. Which is somewhat strange, because what kind of farm doesn’t have hundreds of rusty nails just sitting around, completely forgotten about?

But whatever. It just meant that I got to help Rainbow Dash tear down the barn, which was fun. Without a sledgehammer, though, my part in it was basically just telling her about structural weaknesses.

The rest of the plan went off without a hitch. The problem is, the rest of the plan was walking back.

“God, but I could use a drink…” I muttered. It was a few days after my first excursion and the populace was still getting used to me. It was slow going, though being seen outside and alone with Fluttershy helped tremendously.

She wasn’t well-known as a pony, but she was well respected as a friend of Twilight and for being the best at her job. Besides, if someone that seems so shy, reserved, and graceful could get along with something like me, obviously anyone else could as well.

“We’re close to a river, if you want to stop and get something to drink,” Fluttershy said softly. This pony is way too nice for her own good.

“Not what I meant. Let’s just get to where we’re going and call it a day.”

“Oh… Okay.”

We walked in silence for a few moments. In the time I had been able to go outside, I had made a few observations about the environment. The first thing I noticed was how truly beautiful the entire place was.

Since it was fall, all the trees in our path were bright and colorful, showing off the full spectrum of leafy colors. There was no smog or pollution in the air, but I found out that had more to do with Ponyville being in the absolute fucking boondocks than anything else. Industrialization hadn’t really hit Equestria yet at that point, so there wasn’t much smog at all, but the bigger cities had more problems. Basically, the same as back home.

Another thing I noticed was that all the animals seemed to get along, at least from what I was able to tell. I even saw bunnies mixing with ferrets, though I thought I sensed something underhanded going down between them. I couldn’t say what, though, and I didn’t feel like dwelling on it.

The third thing I noticed was also the most shocking and surprising: the pegasi controlled the weather. I have no idea how to explain it, but they can all move clouds and make them rain. I learned that most pegasi actually live in the clouds, as they are able to stand on them. When I asked Twilight about it, she seemed just as shocked to learn of conditions on Earth as I was about conditions here. She mentioned something about the Everfree Forest and got an odd look on her face.

That’s where Fluttershy and I were, by the way. We were on the way to meet someone named Zecora, the zebra that was mentioned before. Twilight wanted to know if Zecora had seen anything like me before and figured it was best to let the ponies see me alone with Fluttershy to prove I’m harmless.

Something disturbed my reverie. I shook myself out of it and looked around. Fluttershy had stopped and was for some reason cowering and whimpering on the ground. I had no idea why, until I turned around and saw a chicken approaching us. Then I saw its body and stopped in my tracks. What the hell?

“C-c-c-cockatrice!” Fluttershy groaned.

“Cockatrice? Isn’t that one of those critters that turns you to stone?” At her barely perceptible nod, I raised an eyebrow. “Want me to kill it? Doesn’t seem that hard, as long as I don’t look it in the eye.”

She gave me a horrified look.

“Hey, I’m just asking. You’re the one cowering before it. We could easily just sort of, I don’t know, close our eyes and skirt around it. Or you could use your animal taming powers and turn it into a friend.”

“The last time I encountered a cockatrice, I was only able to beat it because it was threatening my friends!” Well geez, that shows what you think of me…

“Fine, we can turn back if you want. You get to explain to Twilight why, though. Still say you should just let me wring its neck. I bet with that chicken head, it would kill it just fine.” Her eyes widened even more, which reminded me that she kept chickens. Heh, oops.

One night, after another attempt to get the ponies acclimatized to me, Twilight started asking questions about Earth.

“What kind of place is your world?” was the first thing she asked.

I sighed and thought of an answer that wouldn’t offend her delicate pony sensibilities. “That is a hard question to answer. I will tell you what I have told you before, as a bit of a disclaimer: I am not a normal human, in many ways. Earth… it’s full of stupid people. Individually, humans are mostly decent beings and can think well. Put them in a group and they tend to lose both decency and the ability to think. Sadly, the world I left was designed by groups, for groups. There are decent people and there are bad people. Personally, I’ve always been of the opinion that the good and evil are balanced, in a way.”

“Huh. Here, it seems that most everypony is more good than anything else!”

“It’s the same where I’m from. Most people are good, but there are a few really, really bad guys that bring the rest down, like Pol Pot. But then, morality is relative, if you think about it.”

“What does that mean?”

“There is no definite right or wrong. The concepts only exist as they are viewed by individuals. One person may find stealing morally wrong, while another may find it justified, since they were able to take something another person was unable to protect. Who is one person, after all, to declare one approach unilaterally wrong? We may not agree with it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t right. Of course, my world is filled with people that don’t agree with that idea and form groups around those that think alike. They often persecute those that think differently. Countries are formed, borders are drawn, and people do their best to stick together with those that agree with them. It usually works fine. Sometimes it doesn’t and then war happens…”

“Different countries? War? Your people are not united?” I could tell it was a concept she found hard to grasp.

“Not even close. Half the world hates the other half and no one country truly trusts each other. We don’t have your equivalent of Princess Celestia. Where I came from, we didn’t even have a monarch. We elected our leaders. It’s a good system, when your population is decently educated.”

“What do you do for common protection, then? How do you deal with monsters?”

“We conquered nature a long time ago. There are still a few events of animals attacking humans, but it’s rare. We hail from predators, after all, while it seems you ponies evolved from prey. Thus, we defend ourselves better. What is more dangerous to everyone in my world are the monsters inside of us. When we ran out of real dangers, we started inventing them. People are easily misled and can be fooled into thinking something is a threat that really isn’t. With the invention of TV, this was made super easy.”

“What is TV? A mind control device?”

I smiled at that. “In a way, yes. It’s a piece of technology that puts moving images on a screen and sound comes out of speakers on the side.”

“Oh, like a projector!”

“Sort of. Ours were considerably more advanced, but they did start out as projectors. There are several different things you can watch on TV, with tons of different ‘channels,’ each with different themes of shows. Evil invention, though sadly necessary. People use them for information or entertainment.”

“Hm… So what was your place in the world?”

“I was a student, still. I was almost at the end of my basic education, before going off to a university. I’m eighteen in human years. I don’t know what that translates to in pony years. Basically, I was still learning.”

“You seem pretty intelligent for somepony still learning. How can you say people are so stupid when you are still learning and yet seem to know so much?”

“There are a lot of problems with those assertions. First, I was almost done with school. I was on the last three months of the last year of the main education system. Second, I went to a school designed to push those who are smarter than most others. We learned a hell of a lot more there than most people do. Third, I only seem intelligent because you likely have no idea what half of what I say is about. I am merely a layman in most subjects, with very little real training. Basically, what I know only scratches the surface of what there is to know.”

“Sometimes you seem almost a braggart, and sometimes you sell yourself short. I can’t get a fix on you.”

“What can I say? I’m the most humble man on the planet.” It came out before I could think about it, but when I did, I realized it was quite literally true. I sighed at the implications of being the only one of my species out there.

“What’s wrong?”

“Humans have a pretty good life span. I’m going to be alone among ponies for a very long time. Every time I think I’m resigned to it, another thing goes off in my mind that I’ll miss. No more internet, no more books, no more music, no chance of love or raising a family or finding a mate, and from the state of affairs with the other ponies, there’s a good chance I’ll remain forever a pariah. C’est la vie…”

She looked rather crestfallen at the aching sadness in my voice. I keep forgetting it was her fault that I’m here.

I tried to make up for what I said, since I really don’t like making people sad. “At least I ended up in a realm where most of the residents aren’t trying to kill me. All the ponies I’ve run into have been rather kind, even if they are dismissive or fearful of me. If I had to be stranded anywhere, this is probably the best place for it.”

It didn’t do much to cheer her up, but there didn’t really seem to be all that much that could be done. After all, it was her fault I was there. What more can really be said?

The next day, I had a meeting with Applejack to discuss farming methods and uses of different crops.

“I will tell you straight up, I am not much of a farmer.” We had already been over all of that, but I wanted to make sure she remembered. “Most of the work I ever did on a farm was helping to feed animals and baling hay. What little I know is learned from books or general education,” I told her.

“That’s alright. We ain’t really here for much more than show anyway. Just tell me what you can and we’ll see if it’s useful.”

“Okay… I don’t suppose you’d need to know about pesticides. Those are poisons we use on crops to kill off any kind of pests. They’re both good and bad, as they can cause a lot of harm to the environment, but they do kill most bugs. I don’t suggest them, not with the system you have set up.”

“What about fruit bats?” she asked. “Those pests get dug in good and they’re a pain to get rid of.”

“...Did you try making really loud noises? I think bats in my world have sensitive ears.”

“That might work. But those things can really destroy crops. We just figured it would be best to let ‘em stay in a part of the field we don’t use much.”

“Well, if that works… Anyway, I haven’t seen your entire farm, but irrigation might be an option. It’s where you dig small canals throughout your farm so getting water here and there is easier. Not a necessity, but it can be really useful on a huge farm.”

“Irrigation, huh? Might have to keep that one in mind. Big Macintosh has to spend whole days hauling water, sometimes.”

“I’m sure you probably know just about every way to cook apples there are. Do you know about apple cider, apple brandy, or apple jack?”

“We know everythin’ there is to know about cider! And I know my name is Applejack, but I don’t know about anything called that, though…”

“Huh. Well, I refuse to be the one that brings alcohol to Ponyland.” Even with as much as I could use a drink.

“Well shoot, now you got me curious. What’s alcohol?”

What can a little knowledge hurt? “A mind altering substance that can make you feel either good or bad, depending on your mood. It causes all manner of problems where I come from, so I’m not going to be introducing it here. I don’t know how well ponies would take that stuff anyway. You’d probably need enough to drown a horse to get you drunk. No pun intended, of course. Though it would give me a chance to use a few jokes... So a pony walks into a bar... Eh, nah.”

“Sounds like it might be okay for a few special occasions, when everypony’s already happy. I don’t know what could be so bad about it.”

“Remember, I’m talking about human use. We’re unpredictable at the best of times. Imagine how we would be if you gave us something that altered us in unexpected ways. Some people are harmless drunks. Some people aren’t. Should we really risk finding out what it would do to ponies? Though thinking about it, that might be a great prank to pull on Rainbow Dash…”

“I do owe her a big one for that last doozy she gave me. If you can make something to help get back at her, I can bring you some apples.”

“This seems like a mean idea, but a fun one. I’m in, if you won’t tell anyone it was me that did it. It’ll take a month to brew something worth drinking, though. I suppose Twilight probably has everything else I need in her lab. It’s fall, right?”

“Yep. Why? Does it cook better in a warmer season or something?”

“Colder, actually. You have to deep freeze it for a while. I might show you how to make it, if you swear you’ll only do it after we test it, and then only for family celebrations. I don’t want anyone to know that I was the one to start making this stuff, if it turns out bad.”

“You have my word, Nav. But uh, if it’s as bad as you say, maybe we shouldn’t test it at all…”

“I don’t think a single test would hurt too bad, as long as we take precautions. We’ll have to make sure she can’t fly and that she stays safe until it wears off. This stuff can really impair your movement until it wears off.”

“This is sounding better and better!”

“Yeah. But it’s a relatively complicated formula. I hope Twilight has everything we’ll need in her lab.”

We spent a few more minutes discussing boring farm crap. I was able to remember a bit more than I thought, though I honestly doubt most of it was helpful.

Later that day, I asked to check Twilight’s lab.

“Why do you need to go down there?” she asked.

“Just a project I might be working on with Applejack, should you have the right supplies. An experiment of sorts, you could say,” I told her. I figured if the word experiment didn’t get her, nothing would.

“If you’re planning it with Applejack, where is she?”

“Getting some other supplies, of course. I didn’t figure you’d keep a load of apples down there.”

“Well, okay… I don’t see what harm you could possibly do with an experiment about apples, of all things.” With that, she led me down to the lab and helped me look for what I needed.

When she heard my list, she looked at me incredulously. “What kind of experiment did you say this was, again?”

“A surprise experiment. You have Applejack’s word that it won’t come to much or any harm.” She shook her head, but said nothing. Man, Applejack’s word must be worth a lot around here.

The next day, Applejack showed up with the apples. We started the brew, after I gave her the disclaimer that I had never actually made any booze. I told her what should happen and how it should go. It took a while to get it set up.

When it was finally ready to start going, she chuckled darkly at the contraption we had set up. “This’ll teach her to paint all my apples!”

I knew better than to ask.

Given that my first trip to Zecora’s abode failed, Twilight decided to wait until Zecora made one of her trips into town to try again. So it was that the extremely strange zebra and I met for the first time in Twilight’s library. The purple mare herself was off doing something, giving us privacy.

“Something of your nature I have never seen,” Zecora said as soon as we got settled down. “Stranger yet, your demeanor doesn’t seem mean!”

“Did you just rhyme?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“A rhyme I did just speak, so you needn’t be meek. There are many strange things here in this land, in lush jungles and vast stretches of sand. As someone who is undoubtedly quite new here, how will you make a life in a place without peer?”

“I don’t fucking want to. Given the choice, I’d rather go home. But that autistic purple horse doesn’t seem to be able to figure out how to send me back. If I truly get stuck here… I have no clue what I’ll do.”

“Would it truly be so bad? Would living here drive you mad?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. It’s only been a little over a week. The ponies seem nice, but they’re all so cautious and skittish. This place is not at all where I belong. But… there’s nothing I can really do about it. Magic is apparently relegated to things with horns and the princess Twilight keeps harping about isn’t doing shit to help. Whether or not it will drive me mad isn’t really the question. It’s whether or not I have a fucking choice.”

“There is always the choice to live or to die. But I suggest giving living here a try. To you, living here and finding the right place will be quite odd. But you’ll find the happiness the ponies have is no facade. Their happiness is true, and it could fit you, too.”

“I could grow happy here… Or Twilight could find a way to send me back. Why adjust to something unnecessarily? And hell, what about my family? I left things behind, Zecora. Things that can’t be forgotten. How do you think they feel about me just fucking disappearing?”

“I, of all ponies, fully understand your true fear. You aren’t the only one who’s left behind someone dear. We were the both of us exiled from our home, and forced into a life where we must now roam. Here is where I have now chosen to settle, despite the attempts of a few to meddle. I’ve made a good life, free from too much strife. Ponyville is quite a nice place, with many neighbors and much space.”

“Shit, it’s not like I have much of a choice anyway. Even if I did know somewhere better to go, I’m stuck in case Twilight finds a way to get me back…” We shared a moment of silence, since I couldn’t think of much to say. “So uh, what’s with the rhymes?”

“There will be another time later to tell that tale. For now, I must go to the market and find a sale. There is not much time before it grows dark, and upon my trip home I must embark.”

“Well… It was nice to meet you.” I think. “And I suppose I’ll probably see you later.”

And so went what was perhaps the strangest meeting I ever had.

Chapter Two—Blue Moon

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10p8dd3Z5zFJwMY-xWkubxARj2bZ686wxXnn90uKPBzw/edit

Yes, Sanic is supposed to be Sanic, not Sonic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCJDyArHb9I

Nothing much really happened in the following month. The ponies got used to seeing me around and eventually stopped flinching when I made sudden movements. Twilight started to let me out alone. God, that makes me sound like a pet… But it’s the truth. The ponies were afraid of me. Those that never talked to me, at least. After the lesson about Zecora, a lot of them seemed ready to talk, if not necessarily willing.

Spike’s birthday was a small high point, but I’m not much of a fan of parties like that. He almost had a fit when I told him to stop being a greedy asshole and dragged him away from trying to steal a ball as a ‘gift,’ but he got over it.

I also taught Pinkie all manner of human vegetarian recipes. I wasn’t able to remember most of them perfectly, and I wasn’t exactly a chef to begin with, but she was able to recreate all kinds of good stuff just from what I was able to remember. Enough that she was able to convince her employers—a husband and wife with the last name Cake—to offer them on the side instead of just having desserts. I don’t think they got very popular, but a lot of them did have a niche crowd that were willing to try new things.

Another minor point is that I started having horrible dreams about some weird, fucked up chimera. I don’t remember much about them other than the two… hands. One was a paw and the other was like a bird’s talons. It seemed as though the chimera wanted me to do… something, but I had no idea what. They were all jumbled and confused and yet, strangely horrifying.

The night Applejack and I got Rainbow Dash drunk was definitely quite an event. Admittedly, I could have easily ended the distillation process in a day rather than a month. I could have done that, but it risked poisoning our subject. As I said, this was my first time making booze. I would rather give myself a little bit of leeway should anything go wrong. And while I won’t say I didn’t test some of the brew myself, you can’t prove anything anyway, so shut up.

We decided to do it at the farm, as there would be fewer witnesses that way. Plus, Twilight wouldn’t yell at us for being grossly irresponsible.

“Are you sure you want me to do this?” Rainbow Dash asked. “This was Applejack’s idea; why can’t she test it?”

“Because this is an experiment,” I answered. “And she’s helping me run it. It wouldn’t do for a scientist to test a product on himself and then expect to be able to properly study the effects.”

“Well, why is she helping you with this thing? I thought Twilight was the egghead!” she retorted.

“Because it’s my apples he’s using for the formula! It’s also my apples that’ll be making any more of this stuff, if we decide it’s okay after you try it. So hurry up and try it!”

“Now, a few disclaimers before we start,” I said. “First, do not try to fly if you do get drunk. I cannot stress this enough. Do not fly! I don’t know how this will affect you. I will tie your wings to your body if you start trying to fly. Second, I don’t know how much of this it’ll take to make you drunk. So we’ll go with P for plenty. Third, if you need to, aim for the bucket. Fourth, don’t blame me when you wake up.”

“Wait, what were those last two?” she asked.

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s get started!” I passed her the first bucket of applejack and she hesitantly started drinking.

“Hey, this isn’t that bad!” With that, she started at it with a bit more gusto. The first bucket quickly emptied and I passed her the second one. “It’s got a bit of a kick to it, though.” She shuddered for a moment before starting on the second. She finished it and reached for a third, but I stopped her.

“Let’s see how you handle what you’ve drunk, first,” I said. She was putting this stuff down. I was hoping I’d have enough left over for a personal stash, but if she could handle too much more, I might not.

“Alright, I guess…” She took a step and immediately fell on her ass.

“So it turns out ponies can get drunk. One bucket was probably enough… Interesting.”

While I was noting my results and Applejack was laughing, Rainbow Dash was struggling to get up. “I mushta tripped on shometin’. Stupid farm.” This was punctuated with another attempt at walking that somehow flipped her on her back. Now that just shouldn’t be possible.

“Slurred speech, trouble walking, impaired thinking… Well Applejack, we got Rainbow Dash drunk. Very drunk.”

“What happens if she tries to fly?” Applejack asked. “Think she might get hurt?”

“If she tried to fly, the moniker Rainbow Crash would be very appropriate. As to her getting hurt? Well, I think she has bones of steel. You and I have both seen her make crash landings that would kill a human, but she just shrugs them off.” Titanium might be more appropriate, with the speed she flies.

“Well, what can we really do to her in this state?” Applejack asked. “I mean, it is funny watching her stumble about and fall, but we get to see her do that every day.”

“Well, another stickling point about alcohol is that it supposedly lowers inhibitions. A lot. If you have any male ponies you want to play a great prank on, we could sic Rainbow Dash on them now and she might try to flirt with them. We just have to be ready to step in, in case it gets out of hand. Or we could play truth or dare with her to get her to do something funny or stupid or get some secrets out of her. As drunk as she is, it is improbable that she’ll remember much in the morning.”

“Yer saying she won’t remember any of this?” she asked with a gleam in her eye.

“She probably won’t remember any of this.”

“Keep her here. Imma go get Big Macintosh! This is gonna be great!”

I feel that I should point out that, despite my mandate, Rainbow Dash was trying to fly. I emphasize trying. I was watching her with some interest during the previous conversation and noticed, much to my amusement, that she couldn’t flap her wings in unison. When Applejack left, I walked up to her.

“H-how are you flying? You don’t have any wings!” she yelled at me, perhaps thinking her imagined rustling wind would somehow steal her words.

“Special human trick,” I winked. “Don’t tell the others. It’s my trump card.” I love playing with drunk people. “I know you’re probably not very lucid right now, but how are you feeling?” I asked her, ready to write down a response. Truth be told, I don’t know why I was really bothering to record any of that. I already knew exactly what Twilight would say when she learned what we did.

“How am I feeling?” she slurred. “I’m the greatest flier ever and I’m going full speed through the skies! How do you think I feel? It’s amazing!” Subject feels elation and is having delusions. Interesting…

Our conversation continued much the same, until Applejack came back leading a large red stallion. I’m neither gay nor into bestiality, so I can’t tell you if he was handsome or not. I did know, however, that as boozed up as she was, I honestly don’t think it would matter to Rainbow Dash.

After patting Dash on the side, I walked over to where Applejack stopped with Big Macintosh. “Did Applejack tell you why we needed you?” I asked him.

“Nope,” he replied.

“Hm. Applejack, would you kindly go entertain Rainbow Dash for a sec? I’ll explain the experiment to him.”

“He don’t need to know nothing to do this, other than that he needs to go flirt with her!” she retorted.

“Wh—” Macintosh started.

“Humor me, please,” I told her. “I really should tell him what’s going on.” She acquiesced with a few grumbles, but she finally went to occupy Rainbow Dash’s interest—in more ways than one, as it turned out.

Big Macintosh just looked at me. I guess he doesn’t talk much.

“I’m testing a human drug on her. Basically, it lowers her inhibitions so she’ll do things she wouldn’t normally do. It’s only temporary, so I would like to test the effects while I still can. We’ve tested a few things already, but we haven’t tested her social inhibitions. That’s where you come in. If you could do some casual flirting and see how far you can get her, that would be a big help. She probably won’t remember anything tomorrow and if she does we’ll just tell her it was part of the experiment.”

“You want me to take advantage of her?” Longest sentence out of him yet.

“Don’t worry about that. Applejack and I will be watching the entire time. We’ll step in if things go too far or don’t appear to be going at all. If you don’t trust me, you should be able to trust your sister.”

He sighed and shrugged. “Eeyup.”

“Great! Oh, and try to make sure she doesn’t either manage to fly or try to run off. Now, go tell your sister to come back and start up a conversation. Do whatever it is that male ponies do to attract female ponies.” I’d fucking burst out laughing if he displays himself like a peacock. He looked at me dubiously, but did as I asked.

When Applejack got back, I could see that she was trying hard not to laugh. “Oh, this is gonna be great!”

“Remember, not a word to the others,” I said. “I sure as hell don’t want to get in trouble for this. If anything goes bad, we blame Spike and hope we get off scot free.”

“Why Spike?”

“Because I had his help making the brew. He doesn’t know what plan we had for it, but he does know what it does. He almost blew half the lab up, with us in it, before I managed to get his mouth shut…”

We made more casual small talk as we watched Big Macintosh work his manly magic. Sadly, we were too far off to hear what they were saying, but we could see their reactions. Eventually our talk tapered off as we just watched. Macintosh was obviously uncomfortable, but it didn’t look like Rainbow Dash noticed much. We could hear the too-loud drunken laughter from where we were.

“I’m willing to take that as a sign the experiment was a success,” I said. “Think we should call it off now, before we risk it going too far?”

“Naw, not yet. Big Macintosh… he doesn’t get into town much, doesn’t have much practice with the mares. This might give him some confidence.”

“What works on a drunken Rainbow Dash probably won’t work on most mares, but if you think it’ll help, we can wait and see. I will cut it off if I think it’s going too far.”

As it turns out, I didn’t have to. Big Macintosh did it himself, motioning us forward. We met him halfway.

“Don’t ask me to do that again,” Big Mac said. He was a very big pony. One that I didn’t like the idea of screwing with.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I have no plans to make more of the drug. It is dangerous if not controlled.” I looked pointedly at Applejack as I said that last bit. “How did your… conversation… go?”

“You were right about her inhibitions being lowered. You were wrong about needing a stallion.” With that, he walked away. Well, there’s another suspicion confirmed.

I looked at Applejack. “Not a word to anyone. Let’s hope she doesn’t remember this…”

Whatever she said in reply was lost as I suddenly saw Rainbow Dash stumble forward and not get up. Apparently, she finally passed out. I ran up to check on her, making sure her head wasn’t facing up.

“What’s wrong with her?” Applejack yelled, trotting up.

“She just passed out. That’s a common side effect of too much alcohol. She should wake up in the morning with a splitting headache. I don’t know if horses can throw up, but if you can she probably will. She’ll need several buckets of water, too. If you have either an empty bed or an empty hay stack in the barn, I can stay the night and make sure she’s fine in the morning.”

“Do you wanna just… leave her here? That seems a mite bit dangerous.”

“If you want to move her anywhere, we could. You’d just have to carry her the whole way. I know I’m not strong enough to lift up one of you ponies. She probably would recuperate better without the sun in her eyes when she wakes up.”

“Maybe I wasn’t clear. Wherever she sleeps is where we’ll be sleeping.”

“Well, toss her over your shoulder or something and we can get her ass inside. Hey, maybe you can put her in your bed and mess with her when she wakes up.”

“Ah, shoot! That’d be real funny, but I ain’t willing to risk it. She might get upset,” she said, lifting the lazy blue horse up and unceremoniously tossing her over her shoulder.

And into the warm house the three of us went, Dash already starting to snore in her probably uncomfortable position.

Later that night, I found myself pacing around Applejack’s farm. It was a typical fall night, colder than an ex-wife’s heart, but it was much preferable to trying to fight sleep and the nightmares in the warm house. I was cresting a hill, wondering what might be causing them, when I heard a slight whooshing sound and a louder crunch of broken leaves behind me.

Without turning, I said, “Nice night. Bit cold, though. Way too cold to be flying, I’d say.”

There was a small silence, what I assumed was shock. Then, deciding to play my game, an unsure, feminine voice replied, “Aye, ‘tis a bit cold. Though the beautiful night makes the flight worth it…”

“Shame we have a new moon. I would love to see this area in the moon’s light.”

“We don’t know about that. The stars are light enough and there are many activities one could hide in the dim light of a new moon.” We?

“Many activities, many of which are illegal. And my lady, I am no thief, unless you find yourself wanting a heart stolen.” Maaaan, I didn’t know how much I would come to regret saying that.

“Oh? We seest thou walking away from a farmhouse near a forest of evil, late at night—a night thou thyself said is darker from a new moon. Thou art also a creature of a like which we have never seen before. ‘Tis a feat most difficult. Thou may not be a thief, but thou do appear to be fleeing. What dark scene will we see if we return to the house thou leaveth behind?”

I turned at this, thinking her question was an insult. In the darkness, I could see nothing of her but a silhouette, however. For some reason, it was a moving silhouette. She appeared to be a dark pegasus with some kind of strangely moving hair. But when she shifted her head, I saw a glimmer of a horn and gasped. I am rarely speechless, but I have to admit I was incredibly surprised at running into one of the princesses.

“Don’t worry, Navarone. Our sister told us about thee. We know what thou art.”

I could only mumble something, still too surprised to do much else.

“Everypony we’ve met seems to have the same reaction to us. Are we truly so terrifying?”

“Surprising is more like it,” I finally managed to say. “I wasn’t expecting to find one of the princesses of the realm out in the middle of an orchard late at night. Alone, at that.”

“We are hardly alone, Navarone. We simply left our escort back a ways, since they seem so often to drive ponies away in fear. We don’t know why… We are their princess! They should trust us!” she finished in a booming voice, making me wince.

“Well, it might have something to do with the loud voice, or your use of ‘we’ instead of ‘I.’ Now, I don’t know how fashions go, here, but I don’t imagine such things are still terribly popular.”

“Tradition demands it!” she continued in her booming voice. “The only reason we stooped to thy casual speak is because thou initiated it.”

“Traditions change. Why stick to an outdated system when it makes your subjects uncomfortable?”

“Why should we be forced to change to their desires? We are royalty!”

I hope Equestria doesn’t have executioners… “Because you can force obedience, but not love or loyalty. You can make your people obey you, but you can’t make them love you. Forcing them to adapt to traditions older than any of their memories will not endear them to you.”

She stood to her tallest height, which put her head a few inches over mine. Enough for her to think she had some manner of intimidation effect, I suppose; however, the only thing I was afraid of was her magic, or perhaps her ability to order me killed. “Thou art insolent! Disrespectful! And…” she said, lowering her head a bit and dropping the booming effect, “...correct, we fear. We—I—have visited a few small townships, here and there. Usually late at night, and during festivals or some such. They flee at the sight of us—my escort and I.”

“You also have to remember that until a few months ago, you were sort of their biggest boogeyman. No matter how hard you try, most ponies will take some manner of time to get used to you.”

“And yet th—you—seem fine with us—me. Dost thine heart hold no fear?”

“Not hardly. I just wasn’t around when you were to be feared. As far as I’m concerned, you were always Princess Luna. Though I do have to admit, I am very honestly surprised to see you. What would bring you here, now?”

“We had heard that thou were plagued with doubts and we thought we could perhaps assist. But truly, ‘twas mostly happenstance that found us together this night. When we found that thou weren’t in the library, we decided to go flying, for exercise. ”

“Sounds fun, I guess. If I was born with wings, I’d probably fly a lot, too.”

Her eyes looked confused for a second. “Fun? What is this... fun?”

“You don’t…” How the hell can you not know what fun is? “Huh. Have you ever played a game or performed in some manner of competition?”

She shook her head. “Such is not for royalty, Navarone. What if we were to lose?”

“Fun comes from the risk of loss or failure. Winning is all well and good, but what’s the point of even trying if you already know you’ll come out on top? I understand that a princess isn’t supposed to be inferior than a subject at anything, but the truth of the matter is that you’ll never be the best at everything.”

She paused for a moment. “Tell me more about this… fun, then.”

“Uh… Well, take the prank a friend and I just pulled on another friend. Got her drunk off her ass. She was doing all manner of funny things: Flapping her wings out of sync, falling on her face every time she tried to walk, slurring her speech and falling for anything you told her. She told us some interesting things she didn’t want anyone to know. Some might consider it mean, but after some of her pranks it’s fair to say she deserves a big doozy to get back at her. It’s all in good fun.”

“I don’t know why a pony was riding a donkey, but none of what you said really sounds that… entertaining.”

I waved my hand. “It’s situational. You wouldn’t know Rainbow Dash, so it doesn’t make as much sense. That’s the only real story I have from this world; I’ve been trapped in a library for most of a month, since so few of the ponies trust me.”

“We—Celestia and I—could give out a royal edict declaring you to be a true royal subject, not to be feared. You are safe, correct?”

“I see no reason to hurt someone if they haven’t done anything to me. Nothing to gain from it. But no, keep your edicts. I might be able to walk freely around town, but that won’t mean I won’t be looked at crosswise. If they can’t learn to trust me themselves, no amount of royalty will ever change their minds.”

She snorted. “Things have changed. I was never as loved as Celestia, but nor was I ever this feared. And if ponies can’t even trust royal announcements, what can they trust?”

“They can trust friends. If you were to get to know some of your people, they would likely trust you more.”

She opened up with her booming voice again, “They always flee before they can know us! How can we make friends if they do not meet us halfway?”

I can practically feel the headsman’s axe. “You are hardly meeting them halfway, with that voice. Just being there isn’t enough. You have to participate, mingle. Stopping with that mind-shattering voice might help, as I have already said. No one likes being yelled at. Go to a festival or public event and ask—politely—if you can play some games or something. Hell, I think there’s some manner of festival going on in Ponyville in a few weeks. I’m sure no one would mind if you showed up, as long as you honestly tried to meet them halfway.”

She dropped the booming. “And what, pray tell, would that include?” she asked, her voice grating.

“No yelling. Try not to use archaic grammar or the royal we. Act like a person trying to make friends rather than a princess.”

“And how does a… person go about making friends?”

“Fuck all if I know. I just sort of fell into most of mine. If you met me outside of town, I could bring Twilight or one of the other relatively normal ponies to meet you. You’ll receive a much better hearing if you’re in their company.”

“Tell me about this festival, then.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know much about it. From what I’ve heard, it’s analogous to my people’s Halloween. That means there will be costumes and candy and ‘scary’ stuff. I was planning on spending all night with Rainbow Dash, pulling pranks and scaring the shit out of people, but helping you seems like a more noble cause.”

She gave me a somewhat stern and very womanly look for that. I shrugged. “Tell me where to meet you, then, Navarone,” she said. “We will learn more about this festival and we might meet you there when the sun sets.”

The only landmark outside of town that I really knew very well was Fluttershy’s humble home. I told her where it was. “The pony that lives there is… well, ‘coward’ doesn’t begin to cover it. If you can befriend her, you can befriend anyone. We used her to prove to the ponies in town that I’m not a monster. That helped a lot, but it wasn’t enough to fully gain their trust.”

“And this pony, she will give me a fair chance?”

“She gave me one and I look a lot more like a villain than you do. I’ll warn her you’re coming, so it shouldn’t be much of a shock.”

“Where can we find you if I wish to discuss this ahead of time?”

“I don’t sleep all that well, so there’s a better than even chance I’ll be sitting in Twilight’s library, reading some manner of book. It’s the large tree near the middle of Ponyville. You are welcome to come by at any time, as far as I’m concerned. We might have to go on a walk, though, to avoid waking Twilight or Spike up.”

“We are more comfortable with the open sky above our head.” She flinched, realizing what she had said. “This… new dialect will take some getting used to.”

“As long as you are making an effort to change, I’m sure most ponies will be fine. Some might be confused, but whatever.”

“What do you have in mind for if this plot fails? Or perhaps makes things worse?”

“I’ll figure something out. I’m good at dealing with chaos. Or if I can’t do it, I’m sure Twilight can. Her plans are generally too meticulous to fail, as long as she has time enough in which to execute it properly.” As I later found out, that was about as bad a lie as any I could come up with.

“I will take your assurance on this matter, then, Navarone. Until we meet again.” She spread her wings wide and jumped straight into the air. Another thing we need to work on: her iciness.

The rest of that night passed mostly uneventfully, with the exception of nearly twisting my ankles in some of the ruts worked into the farmland.

Morning found me curled up in the guest bed Applejack designated for me. When I asked her about the shitload of rooms she had, she mentioned something about having room for harvest. We were busy lugging an unconscious pegasus at the time, so I wasn’t really paying much attention.

Knowing how Applejack feels about her apples and her trees, she probably stores the apples in those rooms and puts them to bed during harvest. Why else she would need such a large farmhouse for four ponies is beyond me.

Knowing nothing about the house other than the way in and out, I just laid back and waited. With my luck, I would have wound up in someone else’s room, or seeing something I shouldn’t see. I don’t know, a sacrificial altar to the apple gods or something. Not long after I woke up, I heard someone bustling about below. It was a farmhouse, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that people were up early.

Now, what did surprise me was an assault by a blur of yellow fur that coalesced into a small pony called Applebloom. This was Applejack’s little sister, a little filly always looking for a way to get her Cutie Mark, which is a tattoo ponies get on their ass that marks their lot in life. Sounds too confining to me, and I’ve mentioned that to some of the ponies, but none of them seem to agree.

Anyway, I had met Applebloom a few times before and each time she seemed to be trying some new harebrained scheme with two friends. They tried dragging me in once… But they relented when I told them they were too small to be Amazon warrior ponies.

“Get up, sleepy head!” she yelled at me, pouncing on my bed.

“I am awake, pipsqueak. Who else is up? I heard someone else moving around.”

“I ain’t gonna tell you. You gotta tell me what you did to Rainbow Dash, first. She isn’t awake yet, but she looks awful…”

“Rainbow Dash helped us with an experiment. I don’t suggest being around when she wakes up. It will be… unpleasant.”

“What did you do to her?”

“Ask your sister. If she thinks you should know, she’ll tell you. As it stands, I don’t. I will tell you this, though: Don’t look to get your cutie mark that way, since that was an experiment we won’t be repeating.”

“Awww… You old ponies take all the fun out of everything!” Not quite a pony, but whatever.

“If you knew some of the things I considered fun, you wouldn’t be so sad about that. Anyway, who else is awake?”

“Just Big Macintosh and me, so far. And you, I guess. Applejack is usually awake by now; I don’t know why she’s still asleep.”

“Let her sleep, I say. I’ll probably wander off to Rainbow Dash’s room in a bit. She’ll wake up feeling terrible, disoriented, and confused, which is not a good combination for someone that can fly Sanic fast like her.”

“Don’t you want breakfast? I helped make it!”

Remembering stories I had heard about her, I somewhat ungraciously declined. “Religious reasons. Can’t eat this early in the morning.”

“What’s… religious?”

“…Never mind.”

A few hours later found me and Applejack in front of a finally stirring Rainbow Dash.

“Remember, talk quietly,” I whispered. “She’ll probably hurt enough.” Applejack nodded, a smile on her face.

Rainbow Dash groaned, tried to open her eyes, saw the glare of the sun, and immediately forced them shut. She croaked, “What… what happened? Everything hurts…”

“Mornin’, sunshine!” Applejack boomed. Rainbow Dash winced and I glared at Applejack. She just smiled and whispered, “Couldn’t help it…”

“Anyway,” I said quietly, “the experiment was a success. And we’ll never do that again. We’ll talk about it later after you feel a bit better. We’ve arranged some things that’ll help you. Namely, a few empty buckets and some buckets of water. Drink all the water you can hold, then drink some more. Come down when you stop feeling like death. Until then, call if you need anything.”

“Yeah, we’ll send Big Macintosh to help you…” Applejack teased.

“Why would you send him? This whole mess is your fault,” Rainbow Dash replied.

“So she doesn’t remember! This’ll be fun!” Applejack said.

“Don’t remember what?” Rainbow Dash groaned.

Before Applejack could respond, I said, “Rainbow Dash, recuperate. Stop talking unless it’s important. And do your best not to think, as that will make it hurt worse. The water will help.” Applejack and I started walking to the door.

“Wait, remember what? What did I—” That last was cut off by the closing door.

“That was mean,” I said.

“Maybe, but it was also funny!”

“You raise a good point.”

After another awkward wait, spent with both of us being pestered by Applebloom, Rainbow Dash tenderly extricated herself from her room.

The first thing she said: “Never. Again.” The second thing she said: “Seriously. Never again.” The third: “Now, what happened? I don’t remember anything after getting to the farm!”

“Nothing much,” I told her. “We tested your ability to talk and to think rationally, we let Macintosh flirt with you, we let you try to fly, and we let you try to walk. You weren’t able to fly or walk, and your attempts were very humorous. Your speech was slurred, and your mind wandered a lot.”

“Wait, what was that second one?” she asked.

“We let you try to fly. Your head is still probably fuzzy. I’m certain it hurts.”

“I don’t think that’s what you said… Did you really let—”

“And now you’re being paranoid. Applejack, mark it down as another symptom, would you?” She pretended to write something down, which is interesting, as she has no thumbs. Or paper. Or a pencil…

Rainbow Dash gave us the oddest look I’ve ever seen. I swear she thought we were retarded at that point. We both looked back as innocently as we could.

“…So when can I leave?” she finally asked.

“If you really feel up to flying, you can leave whenever. Just be careful. The bright light will be painful and disorienting at first. Thanks for your help.”

“You’re not welcome. I still don’t know why you had to have me for this experiment!”

“We had to have you because Twilight or Rarity would be too dangerous with their magic, Fluttershy would be too afraid to take the risk, and Pinkie Pie would be very, very, very scary if she got drunk. I’ve heard your stories about her manic depressive states. Alcohol could seriously unbalance her.”

“Then you better not be making any more of this stuff,” she said. “Especially if it’s as popular at parties as you say.”

“Don’t worry. I have no intentions of making more,” I lied.

“Good. I’ll see you both later.” With that, she walked out and very unsteadily took off.

“I feel like we should feel guilty for this,” I said.

“Nah. She wasn’t permanently hurt.”

“We did sort of accidentally make her reveal a secret she didn’t want to.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like it’ll hurt her. I mean, I ain’t gonna do nothin’ with it.”

“And I can’t do much with it. Not that I even would, but still.”

“I reckon you’ll get used to us eventually,” she said with a smirk. “Now, I gotta get ta work. And I’m sure Twilight’s probably wondering what’s taking you so long.”

“Yeah. She’s a cruel taskmistress. I’ll see you later, Applejack.” We parted company soon after. I didn’t mention Luna’s visit to her.

Upon learning about my experiment, if not all the results, Twilight was not overly pleased. She knew, of course, that I was planning something, but she did not know what and against whom.

“She could have been hurt!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, she could have. However, even your experiments with magic run a risk of hurting someone. Like, y’know, me. But I’ve heard stories, back where I came from, of people getting horses drunk. I must admit, the truth of it was a lot funnier than the stories were. Though maybe that’s just because my experiment was on a sapient being…”

“This isn’t a joke, you know! She really could have been hurt!”

“You already said that and I already admitted that you are correct. What’s done is done, though. And at least now I know where I won’t be starting a life in this new world. Not like you ponies need booze anyway. I can’t imagine many of you having terrible things in your past you want to forget.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s okay.”

“I know. But I stand by it. I’m more interested in what happened after, anyway.”

“Oh? And what could have been interesting enough to take your mind off your ‘valuable experiment’?”

“Oh, Rainbow Dash had already passed out by then. I was walking around the fields when Princess Luna dropped by and started talking to me.”

“Princess Luna!?” Twilight gasped in surprise. “What was she doing out there?”

“Looking for someone to talk to. She thought I was one of her subjects. Which I guess, in a way, I am now. Anyway, we got to talking. She’s very lonely, apparently. I invited her here to talk to me, if she’s ever in the neighborhood and I’m still awake. I also invited her to the festival coming up in a few weeks. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all! Though… it seems weird to have a princess coming by to visit. Shouldn’t we prepare everypony? Or formally greet her, as a princess deserves?”

“Nah. I mean, you could. But I don’t care too much about titles or shit like that. She may be a princess, but to me she’s just a lonely person that needs someone to talk to. The dark stuff she did in the past alienated her from the entire pony community, aside from her sister. I wasn’t around when any of that stuff happened, so I can honestly talk to her with no feeling of fear or residual mistrust. She needs some way to make friends and meet her subjects. I figured this party thing would be a decent way to do that. We might have to help her a bit, though, since her speech patterns haven’t changed in a thousand years. She uses archaic grammar and occasionally lapses into a booming voice.”

“Well, of course Princess Luna is welcome here, as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully we can help her get more acclimated to how things work now. You’ll have to tell me more about your plans for the Nightmare Night Festival.”

“It’s called what.” That didn’t come out as a question.

Twilight saw it as a question, of course. Any chance to explain some obscure tradition was good in her books. The festival was, as I said, analogous to Halloween. The added bit was that not dressing up would cause Nightmare Moon to come and eat you, or something. Near the end of the night, some of the candy each child collected was donated as a sacrifice to a Nightmare Moon statue or something.

Now, anyone reading this should be able to see a bit of a problem here. Luna was coming to this festival dedicated to being afraid of her alternate personality. I tried explaining this dilemma to Twilight.

“She’s not Nightmare Moon anymore, Nav,” was the answer. “And we’ll be able to help her prepare for the visit when she meets us at Fluttershy’s home. Which was a good choice, by the way, if what you say about Princess Luna’s voice is true. Fluttershy can help her learn to speak gently. It’ll be fine, Nav. And you made the right choice, inviting her.”

I shrugged, sighing. “Too late to recall the invite anyway. I quite like having my head attached to the rest of my body.”

“That’s the spirit!” Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have taught her gallows humor. “Now, care to help me and Spike with some chores?”

I’ll be the first to admit: I was surprised when Princess Luna actually did come by. I was more surprised that it was the first night after the offer. I said as much as I reached up to grab my coat for a walk.

“We had a bit of free time,” she explained. “There’s not much to rule over when the kingdom is sleeping. If there was any real emergency, the courtiers would rather wake my sister than bring it to us, anyway,” she continued with more than a little bitterness.

It was quite a chilly night, as befitted the cool season. A pale mist greeted every word. The weak street lights barely lit the road, while the nearly empty moon reflected gently off the glass windows. It was a night the likes of which I had rarely greeted back on my world.

“Surely you could deal with a big incident just as well as your sister. You’ve both spent a long time ruling, despite your small hiatus. Besides, anyone with a small lick of common sense can dictate orders around. What takes the skill is carrying them out. Though maybe that’s just bias from living so long in a democratic system.”

“Democracy… We read a mention of that in one of Twilight’s letters about you, but she didn’t go into detail.”

“It is a form of government by the people,” I said as we passed by an eerily lit Carousel Boutique. Looks like Rarity picked up too many orders again. “The people are allowed to vote on the issues, and whoever they want to rule them. There is a very big problem with a democracy, however. It allows the majority complete control. If the majority of people decided, for example, to ban reading because they don’t like it, the minority has no power to stop it. That is why my people created the idea of a republic.”

We were passing Sugarcube Corner at that point, the bakery at which Pinkie worked. “Such a building would not have existed a thousand years ago,” Luna commented, looking at it. “We had… bigger concerns than fitting themes to a simple bakery.”

“It’s a bit more than a bakery, but that’s understandable. It does look rather off, though not as bad as Rarity’s shop that we passed a few minutes ago.”

“Hm… Continue your explanation, please.”

I shrugged and thought of where I left off. After a second, I continued, “A republic is a democracy with limits. Everyone has certain rights that cannot be taken from them. Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of the press, stuff like that. People elect a small number of representatives to vote on issues that just about anyone can put forward. No one can put into action anything that denies anyone any of the unalienable rights, however.”

She stopped, looking toward the park we were passing. My gaze joined her as we watched a couple holding each other on a bench, peering up at the stars. “Another thing that would not have occurred…” she whispered, looking away. “If it had, I wouldn’t have…”

“Things have definitely changed,” I said, nodding. “You’ll probably find more ponies awake at night now than ever before.”

“I might have to… explore, then.”

“I suggest the cities. If they’re anything like they are where I came from, they’ll have an extremely active nightlife with parties and all kinds of fun stuff.”

“That is something to consider.” She started walking yet again. “Are you done with your explanation, then?”

My feet joined her hooves in their slow walk down the cobbled roads of Ponyville. “Not quite, but mostly. It’s a very historically based concept.” I took a second to think before nodding and starting again, “It was a system designed by a people that had been abused by a monarchy. It allows for the changing of leaders every certain number of years, with systems in place if that leader needs to be removed sooner. I have thought long and hard on it, and can see no reason ponies would ever need such a system, or any way to make it applicable here anyway.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Everyone here has an assigned role in life. They may pick it themselves, but it will be something they will always be able to do. This includes the leaders. Why would ponies need to vote in new leaders if the only leaders they get are specifically born to lead? And why would they need a new ruler if the ones they have are wonderful, eternal, and benevolent? It’s a perfect system that couldn’t exist on my world.”

“I see. So why bring it up at all?”

“I mentioned it to Twilight, or maybe Spike, before I knew much about your people. And then you asked about it. I was merely doing my civic duty and informing my princess about a matter of which she was ignorant.” She didn’t seem overly enthusiastic about my answer, for whatever reason, so I decided to change the subject. “Do your feet get cold in the weather, or do the hooves protect them well?”

“I’m very used to the cold. Remember, I spent a thousand years on the moon.”

“That hardly answered my question, Princess.”

“Yes, my hooves do get cold. I imagine yours do as well, with that strange protection or not.”

“Back where I come from, we don’t get much cold weather. Hell, it rarely dips below freezing. No one here knows how to make human shoes, so I’m forced to wear the warm weather shoes I had back home. I’m freezing.”

“Then shouldst thou not be inside?” she impassively asked. “There is less chill to be found there.”

“Hey, what happened to learning how to speak modernly?” I asked with a smile, once more trying to change the subject.

“Is that building there a schoolhouse?” she asked, pointing to what was, indeed, a school.

“Yeah. I think the teacher’s name is Cheerilee.”

“Hm. Yet another thing that’s different. There was no public education before. It’s… strange to find that it is now.”

“I can imagine. So again, what happened to speaking modernly?”

She snorted and asked, “Are all humans this stubborn? Or does that dubious honor go to thee?” I lifted an eyebrow at her. “To you, then.”

“Nah, it’s all men that are this stubborn. Or at least, when we know we’re right. Which is usually, since we usually are right.”

She harrumphed.

“Oh, and I had a question for you, by the way,” I said. “I heard one of Twilight’s friends talking about Princess Celestia having a nephew. If you were trapped on the moon for a thousand years, how does that work out? Or is he also really old?”

“She runs an adoption agency. I don’t know why they all started calling her Auntie Celestia, but she decided not to stop it, so they all became her nieces and nephews. That said, there aren’t that many orphans in Equestria, so not many go through her agency.”

“That clears that up. I was thinking there had to be a third sister no one ever mentioned.”

We walked in silence for a bit, before she asked, “Did you leave anypony important to you behind on your world?”

Where did that come from? Oh, this could end poorly… “Just family. I never made many friends. If my school wasn’t so small, I’m sure my disappearance wouldn’t have even been noticed, other than the sudden lack of something not being a complete sarcastic dick to the teachers. The only thing I was known for at my school was my scathing and dark wit, directed at anyone that made themselves an enemy. To be quite honest, I consider the spell that brought me here a kindness to the world I left behind, though even now I’d still prefer to be home.”

“And what of us, then? Do you consider yourself such a blight on our kind?”

“To be honest, yes, but in a different way. I am a corrupting influence on your people. I try not to be, but much of what I say drives people to think, and many of those thoughts aren’t always pleasant. I make people think about things from my world, about the problems I left behind, rather than to the peaceful setting that is their own world. This could help some of the common ponies grow more mature, but they have no reason to mature. It’s… strange, having so few people I can truly talk to anymore for fear of saying the wrong thing. I want the ponies to continue living in relative harmony with their world, which might be difficult should I truly attempt to befriend some of them. But I imagine that my problems are of little interest to a princess.”

“You told me that I should befriend my subjects, Navarone. That I should care for them and their concerns. You are now one of my subjects, are you not? So we should and do care about thy concerns and problems. You are free to tell me all that you wish, Navarone.”

I snorted. “Looks like I’ll be a bad influence on you, then. My problems are my own, Princess. I shouldn’t have even said anything.”

She stopped in her tracks. It took me a second to realize she wasn’t walking next to me. When I did, I turned to face her. “Navarone, that is a poor decision to make,” Luna said. “You know of my past, of Nightmare Moon. That entity was born from my silence, from allowing my concerns and problems to eat away at me with no release. Wouldst thou truly risk such a fate for thyself? And risk the harm thou might inflict upon others? Twilight’s letters of you speak of many things, but none mention selfishness. Your problems are your own, but there are many who would be willing to share them.”

“And you’re one of them?”

“Yes, Navarone. I am one of them.”

I looked away, not wanting to meet her determined gaze. “I’ll think about it. Talking like that would be… new to me.”

“Think quickly, then,” she said, beginning once more to walk. I fell in at her side as the two of us slowly padded through the dark streets of the town.

“So I learned more about the festival,” I said after around a minute of silence. She tilted her head to indicate she was listening as I told her what I knew about the coming holiday.

She listened in silence. When I finished, I could tell she wanted to use her booming voice to show some form of anger, but forced herself quiet. “We did not expect this,” was her first response. “But then, we were also a villain for a good while…” She sighed. “We are not surprised. I am not surprised. Disappointed, perhaps, but not surprised. I suppose I shall find friends elsewhere than in this little town.”

She raised her wings to go. “Hold on, Princess,” I said. She stopped, looking at me. “You aren’t Nightmare Moon. You are Princess Luna. This festival isn’t about you. It is about what you were, not who you are. You should take this as a chance to prove that you’re better than the legends make you out to be.”

“We—I—will think about it. Thank you, Navarone.” She took off.

Could have gone worse, I guess.

Since Luna was too much of a drama queen to even walk me home, I did the job myself, quickening my steps so I could get back to the warm embrace of the tree house. Since most of what we did was just a circuit around the town, it didn’t take me long to get back. When I quietly opened the door and let myself back in, a rather blushed Twilight walked down the stairs to greet me.

“How did your date go?” she asked, a strange hitch in her voice.

“That’s… ew. First, she’s a princess. Second, she’s a horse. Third, I barely even know her. And finally, why are you all blushed?”

When I mentioned her face, the red stain across it spread even farther. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

I furrowed my brow, looking more closely at her. Every part of her body seemed rather tense and her tail was held low against her. “...Are you feeling alright?” I asked.

“Just tired! I was uh… staying up to make sure you got back! Yep, that’s what I was doing, alright!” Can you be any more obviously lying?

“Uh huh. Well, I’m back. You can go to bed now.”

“Right.” She didn’t move for a few seconds, and we just stared at each other. “Oh yeah, bed!” Her horn lit up and she suddenly disappeared, going who knows where else.

“Ponies are fucking weird,” I sighed to myself, shaking my head. “Now… What to do until I fall asleep?”

Chapter Three—Just Say No

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xQ-49lgpiAt4zl-YCLH7yHF_qTAZ9N-W7SNiJCMd4_g/edit

The next day, I decided it might be wise to check up again on Rainbow Dash, to make sure she wasn’t still feeling hung over. I knew it was unlikely, but I figured it was probably a good idea to check.

It wasn’t until I got to her house, however, that I remembered it floats. And that I can’t fly.

I was thinking about trying to get her attention, wondering if a rock would fly through her house or potentially damage something, when I heard a loud trundling behind me, followed by a yelled warning of, “Look out!”

I quickly twisted around, saw what was coming, and just barely jumped out of the way in time.

“Of course,” I muttered, picking myself up off the ground. “It would be Pinkie Pie who managed to latch onto a runaway wagon, of all things.” I saw Fluttershy trying to catch up, alongside Scootaloo on a little scooter. I still don’t know why they made a scooter in this world. Makes no sense. Fluttershy stopped next to me to make sure I was fine. I watched the filly pass, saying, “Scootaloo, I could have expected. Pinkie Pie, yeah, no stretch.” With them passed, I turned to Fluttershy. “But how did they rope you into this, Fluttershy?”

“They asked for a responsible pony for something. I didn’t know what, at the time! Could you please help us?”

I sighed and started running to catch up to Pinkie Pie. “How is she even still going that fast? There isn’t an engine on that thing and the ground is relatively level!”

Scootaloo answered, “We built a ramp way back there somewhere! A very big ramp. Also, what’s an engine?”

“…Never mind.” Far be it from me to give those irresponsible little girls something like an engine. “How are we going to stop her before she crashes into something bigger than she is?”

“I don’t know, but being a rescuer shouldn’t be this hard! Can you see if I have a cutie mark?”

Only in Equestria does a girl ask you to check out her ass. “Nope.”

“That just means I have to actually catch up to her!” With that, Scootaloo put on an extra burst of speed. I was hardly an athlete back on Earth and I hadn’t done too much exercise since I got here. Hell, I barely managed to keep up with Fluttershy.

“Damn kids. How do you manage them?” I asked her.

“Oh, I’m just good with foals… You know how it is.”

“Whatever. Hey, it looks like Pinkie is slowing down!”

Pinkie thankfully managed to stop right in front of a large lake near the forest. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to dive in that thing, but when I asked the Cutie Mark Crusaders about it, they got pale and changed the subject.

Fluttershy and I finally managed to catch up to the two of them. Scootaloo was showering Pinkie Pie with a mix of accolades and admonishments while Pinkie Pie was trying to get her ground legs back after that hellish ride.

“So,” I said, “what was the purpose of that again?”

Scootaloo said, “We were going to put Angel in the wagon and push him down the ramp. Then I was supposed to chase after him and quickly catch him, hopefully earning an animal rescuer cutie mark. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were supposed to try to calm him down and make sure he was okay. Instead, Pinkie Pie was walking by, saw the wagon, thought it looked like a roller coaster, and jumped in. We didn’t plan the ramp very well, obviously…”

“You were going to do what with Angel?” Fluttershy asked, obviously somewhat disturbed.

I noticed then that she was actually still holding him protectively, despite his violent protests. I held my hand out for a quick bro-fist bump with the guy. He obliged; say what you want about his size, that little dude was okay sometimes. But only sometimes, as I later found out.

“We weren’t going to hurt him!” Scootaloo protested.

Fluttershy started to reply, but Pinkie Pie interjected, “That was fun! Can I do it again? Oh, hi Navarone! How was your experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack?”

“It went better than expected, actually, though I wouldn’t bring it up with Rainbow Dash. I doubt she will remember it fondly. I was actually on my way to check up with her when I was interrupted by a runaway pony.”

“Well, that’s rude! Somepony needs to learn to control his or her speeds!” Typical Pinkie Pie: ignore the obvious in favor of the silly.

“I suppose we should get this wagon back to the ramp,” I sighed. “I think the girls wanted to try an experiment of their own.”

“Not with any of my animals, they won’t!” Fluttershy said. “If… if that wouldn’t be a problem…”

Scootaloo sighed. “Fine! We can be human rescuers instead!”

That got my attention. “Wait, what now?”

Several bruises—and no cutie marks—later, I found myself wandering the marketplace. Their market had none of the hubbub of a busy bazaar, or any other market I’m used to back on Earth. There was no music playing in the background, very little muted speech going on, and all the speech that takes place sounds happy.

It’s like a happy memory of what 1950’s small town America would be like. The only difference is that I’m the communist here, and I’m not ‘your neighbor’ or ‘your best friend,’ but rather, I’m the outsider, the one everyone can tell doesn’t belong just by looking. It is disquieting in a way, though I know by now all the ponies are used to me. They managed to get used to Spike and Zecora, so thankfully it didn’t take most of them long to stop staring at me.

But I digress. I was walking through the marketplace, looking at the small amount of wares available. Ponyville is not a large place at all, so there really wasn’t much to look at. A few pieces of furniture, a small number of antique books, a few cloth stores, a doodad shop, and many food places.

Even if there was anything I’d want to buy, I had no money with which to buy it. All the cash I had was defunct, all the plastic I had was worthless. Coins had some small value, but gold—in the form of bits—appeared to be the common denomination here.

I don’t render any real services, nor do I have the right to say I’m a personal student or friend to the beloved princess, even if I was a new friend to the lesser known princess. In short, I was dependent on Twilight. It was not a comforting feeling.

I wandered through the marketplace, thinking of ways to earn my keep. I had enough ideas from Earth to become a writer, but no pony would want to or need to try to read through a political treatise or any of the books I typically read back home.

If I could find someone to pay bounties, I could become a hunter. There are enough dangerous creatures out there for the job to pay well. I could also become a guide through the forest, or I could collect herbs and ingredients. It would be a dangerous job and a job that not many ponies would really want to pay me for, but it could be profitable.

There’s also the very, very useful fact that I have thumbs going in my favor. Anything a pony would want to grasp would have to be done with their mouth or with magic. That pretty much makes my use nearly infinite. Infinite, if I could get the ponies to stop fearing me so.

And there’s also the possibility of remaining tethered to Twilight. Spike and I have different uses to her. He’s good for manual tasks and being a guinea pig. He is very resistant to both magic and physical problems, and has survived more than one magical accident that would have seared me to the bone.

I, however, am a thinker. I have helped Twilight troubleshoot through some broken spells already, though the actual mechanics behind them remain hidden to me.

Or I could become a wanderer, an adventurer. This world is vast and seems mostly peaceful, though much of it has gone unmapped by ponies. Oddly enough, what of it I have seen shows me that this world is very, very like my own. With that knowledge, I can assume that riches can be found in the same places. Gold in California, diamonds in South Africa. It would be an interesting life.

Then there’s inventions, but I’m not entirely certain that I’d want to bring some of the things humans had to this world. This land is peaceful, its inhabitants kind. Why bring artifacts of war and danger into the world? Although there are plenty of nonwarlike inventions…

This world has only the weakest engines, and having pegasi means no one really developed flying technology beyond balloons. I could create a vastly more successful Hindenburg, or a plane. Given oil supplies, though, a steampunk style invention process would be easier.

Those thoughts were suddenly put on hold when a distracted and heavily laden Rarity bumped into me. Hardly breaking stride, she said, “Pardon, sir, but you simply must learn to watch where you’re going!” She didn’t even see me. Probably just guessed the gender and hoped to be right.

“Rarity, do you need some help?” I asked her.

“What? Oh, yes! These are awfully heavy, and you do look like a fellow that could carry some weight!” I couldn’t tell if that was an insult, so I just took some of the cloth from her back. “Now do be careful with that! It’s going to be a dress fit for a princess soon!”

As I’ve mentioned before, I know nothing of fashion. But if some of the things I’ve seen come out of her shop are considered ‘fit for princesses,’ I’m glad I avoided the industry. I’m sure it’s probably all good, but a lot of it just looks impractical to me.

So I just shrugged and tried to look impressed by her admonishment. She apparently bought it, because she started off back to her shop. I followed, trying—despite myself—to figure out what she was going to make with this batch of cloth. A dress or gown of some kind, of course; I’ve never seen her make clothes for men, aside from that special commission for me to keep me from wearing the same tattered clothing day after day.

“Rarity, if you ever get a bit of free time, would you mind seeing if you could somehow make shoes for me? What I have now won’t last forever and I wasn’t blessed—” or cursed, as the case may be, “—with hard feet.”

“Shoes? What’s that about shoes? I don’t have time to think about shoes at a time like this! I’m going to be absolutely swamped for days! When will I learn to not bite off more than I can chew?”

Probably when you finally fail to finish an order. She liked to complain and I liked to tease her about it, but to Rarity, dresses and fashion are an art, not a career. She is very, very good at it and is very, very dedicated. I’ve heard from Sweetie Belle that she occasionally stays up days at a time to work on an order.

It is my opinion that her cutie mark thing should be a thread and a needle, but apparently whoever decides those things figured diamonds were better. There was a time that I would have made a joke about something being pretty but ultimately useless, but I like to think I’m over that.

When we arrived at her shop, I found the place in complete disarray. To my apparently ‘untrained eye,’ as Rarity put it, everything looked like it was balanced on the edge of falling, awaiting only a sudden movement to break into total bedlam.

To Rarity, it implied a job well on its way, a job that was missing only its mistress, who had stepped out for a short break. I gently set the bundle of cloth where she indicated and wondered if I should try to back out slowly before she remembered I was there, or try to offer any more help.

My mind was made up for me when she turned suddenly, saw me, started, and said, “Oh, hello Navarone. You wouldn’t mind helping me with a few more tasks, would you? I promise, they won’t take too long…”

Oh lord… “I’m not Spike, so I won’t be willing to do anything you ask. But what do you need?”

Her answering smile was enough to make me want to grind my teeth. It said, I know what you think you’re doing and it’s cute. I managed to answer back with my own smarmy bring it on smile.

“Well, you see, my cat, Opalescence—”

“I’m not cleaning out a litter box.”

“Would it help if I said please?” My flat stare answered that for her. “Well, that’s not the only thing I needed help with. I was also wondering if you’d be willing to supervise the girls while I’m busy with this project. I’ve heard how they talk about you; you’re an enigma to them and they have many ideas about how to use you to get their cutie marks. I know you’re often busy helping Twilight or one of the others, but if you have the time maybe you could help me?”

“I already have a few bruises from some of their plans involving me from today. Are you sure I’d survive anything more they have in store for me?”

“Oh, I’m sure it wouldn’t be too much of a problem for ‘the most dangerous creature alive,’” she said with an amused titter.

“You see, it’s that alive part I’m worried about,” I sarcastically said. “I’d like to keep it that way, but their ‘human rescuer’ plans seem to desire to put that life at risk.”

“So THAT is why they were building a ramp… I was wondering what they were planning on doing with it.”

“How did they even build that damn thing, anyway? None of them can do magic that I’ve seen and none of them have thumbs! And I’ve heard Fluttershy talk about their less than stellar carpentry skills in the past, too. How the hell did they build a giant ramp in the middle of town?”

“Well, no pony says they had to build it well. I’m sure the ‘rescuer’ part of the plan could cover fall damage as well as runaway cart problems.”

“You are not making me any more eager to help you with this, you know,” I said, crossing my arms.

“You hardly seemed eager to begin with, Nav.”

“Yes, and about half the words you seem to say confirm I was right in my initial conception of the idea. From everything I’ve seen of the girls, they hardly need watching over anyway. They don’t listen to half of anything anyone tells them, so it would hardly help to have someone like me around, who would only tell them off half the time for stuff they’re doing wrong.”

“I think you’re stretching, Nav.

“You’re not making me want to say yes any more. Why me, anyway? I know you said they were hoping to experiment on me, but surely there are other, more responsible ponies you could leave them with. Like… Fluttershy, or… well, Fluttershy is really the only truly responsible one of your main group of friends. Maybe Applejack or Twilight? Well, Twilight is usually busy with studies and isn’t too much a fan of kids as destructive as they are in her library. And after that experiment with Rainbow Dash I somewhat question Applejack’s responsibility…”

“Hm? What happened with the experiment? Twilight told me you were doing something with her, but didn’t say what.”

“Oh, nothing…”

She raised an eyebrow, but let it go. “Fluttershy already said she couldn’t. Something about house sitting? And Applejack is always busy with her trees.”

“It’s late fall and she got harvest done early. What kind of tree is she growing now?”

She opened her mouth to respond, looked pensive for a second, and shut it again. Finally, she said, “So, do you want to go ask Applejack a question for me?”

Half an hour of trudging through broken leaves and fallen limbs later, I found myself back at Applejack’s house. Her granny was on the front porch, waddled up in a load of clothes. I asked if she knew where Applejack was.

“What?”

“I said, do you know where Applejack is?” I’ll spare you the details of how long it took to get this message across to the old lady. Some things are better left forgotten.

When she finally understood me, she pointed right at me. I turned around to find Applejack trying her hardest not to laugh.

“Yeah, thanks for the help there,” I flatly said. “Anyway, Rarity wanted to know if you could watch the girls for her for a little while. She’s a bit busy with a big order.”

“I reckon I could do that for a bit, though I hardly think they need it.”

“See, that’s what I said. Though honestly, they do seem to have a bit of a problem thinking about consequences of their actions. Damn near killed me, Pinkie Pie, and Angel today. Until one of the set gets a bit of common sense, it’s probably better that someone is around to supervise ‘em.”

“What kinda scheme did they think up that could have hurt a human, a pony, and a little bunny?”

“The kind that involves a giant ramp and a wagon. Apparently the plan was to put Angel in the wagon and to push him down, then catch up and become animal rescuers. Pinkie Pie jumped in the wagon at the last instant, thinking it was some kind of ride. I almost got run over, then somehow got roped into helping them be human rescuers instead.”

“Sounds like you have a hard time saying no to ponies,” she chuckled.

“Let’s see you say no to Applebloom’s puppy dog face,” I said with a small snort.

“I’m her big sister. That’s my job.” As she said that, she lifted her head up, closed her eyes, grinned deeply, and crossed her front legs.

“Psh. Cheater.”

When I said that, she dropped her cutesy little angelic stance and said, “Oh, that reminds me of something. Rainbow Dash came by earlier, asking about what happened when we gave her that alcohol stuff. I didn’t tell her nothing, but I’m thinking she might have a bone to pick with you about that comment you said about Big Macintosh.”

“God, I was hoping she was too hungover to remember that… I hope no one else told her anything.”

“We didn’t say a word. I couldn’t hold back a smile, though. She probably thinks we did something.”

“Let her keep on suspecting. Don’t mention it at all, even if she does tell you later.”

“I don’t see why we can’t talk about it. I mean, I don’t see no harm in it.”

“The way I figure, if she hasn’t told anyone, she probably doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m perfectly willing to respect that. If she wants to bring it up, she will, and we can talk about it freely then. Not like it really matters, anyway, unless you were planning on playing matchmaker with her.”

“I don’t think that would go over very well…”

“Agreed. I was actually trying to find Rainbow Dash this morning, but I got sidetracked by the girls and then by Rarity. But I guess if she made it here then she’s pretty well okay. I’ll just have to try to avoid her now, so she won’t be able to get me back for it…”

“I’m sure if she does try to get you back, it’ll just be a harmless little prank. That’s most of what she does, like when she painted mah apples! Harmless, but annoying.”

“True enough, I suppose, but I’d still rather avoid any retribution for what I, at least, consider a real experiment. It may have been hatched as an idea for a prank, but I was honestly interested in the results.”

“Well, that either makes you more or less honest than me. I was in it to get her back for that apple incident.”

“I’m sure it was well deserved and it hopefully concluded the matter. Anyway, I should probably get back to Rarity to tell her the news before she gets completely absorbed in whatever she’s doing. You know how she is.”

“I sure do. See you around, Nav.”

While I was on walking back to Rarity’s house in the weak light of the fading day, my nearly worthless combat instincts—honed from more time than I would ever admit playing more games that I’d ever admit—warned me to duck. Sadly, my body is not as fast as my mind, especially after the beating I had taken earlier that day at the hooves of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

So I found myself unceremoniously lifted and flying through the air, held aloft by two recognizably blue legs—I swear, I don’t think these ponies have joints or bones in their legs. There was laughing from right above me and looking up confirmed my suspicions.

“I hope you don’t mind heights, Navarone!” Rainbow Dash yelled to me over the wind.

I did, in fact, mind heights, but I’d be fucked before I let her know that. I just grit my teeth and hung on for dear life, trying not to imagine myself as the first and only human to have become a pancake in ponyland.

After a while flying, I shouted up at her, “If you drop me, I’ll drag myself out of whatever afterlife I land in and haunt you. I don’t imagine your house is ghost proof!”

“So I just have to make sure the drop doesn’t kill you!” I didn’t much like the sound of that.

Long story short, after several faked false drops, I found out that it was, in fact, possible for a human to be in her house. A very, very small part of her house. Feeling around the base of the room I was trapped in revealed that most of it was immaterial. I immediately took a dislike to the tiny area that was in one of her closets.

“So you have me trapped,” I said, sitting on the small platform. “Now what?”

“I could just let you stew for a few days, you know. The spell I asked Twilight to cast here should last at least that long.”

“Should is the key word there. You may be a bit rash, but you’re no murderer. You brought me here for a purpose, one that could very likely have been taken care of on the ground in a more… mundane… discussion.”

“Yeah, I probably could have kept you on the ground for that. But there’d be no guarantees you’d tell the truth down there!”

“Just as you have no guarantees I’ll tell any kind of truth up here, of course. I’m assuming that you want to know more about the tests we ran with you. There were a very small number of witnesses and they’ll all agree with what I say and what I told you after we conducted it.”

“There was a teensy, tiny thing you might have said that I want clarification on. I think you know what I’m talking about.”

“Might have said? You kidnapped me for something I ‘might have said?’ I have a problem with that.”

“I’m sure you’ll get over it. Now, I’ll ask again: What happened that night?”

“Again? You never asked in the first place. I just guessed—correctly—that you were going to ask about it, and told you my piece before you said anything. But since I can see that you are considering pushing me to see what happens, I will tell you. Applejack and I ran a few experiments. You gave us information. As it turns out, Applejack was more into it for the prank side of the equation than for the scientific side, but I’m still pleased with the results.”

“Funny. She said the opposite was true of you.” I shrugged at that. “Whatever. Tell me more about the… tests.”

“You tried to fly despite what we told you, which was very amusing. We also tested your mental processes, which was also very amusing.”

I could tell she wanted more, but I knew I could outwait her. Dash did not seem to be at all the patient sort, given how quickly she turned to just snatching me off the ground.

Sure enough, she impatiently asked, “And?”

“And what? That’s pretty much all that we did.”

“You’re not telling me what I want to know!”

“No, I’m not telling you what you want to hear. There is a very big difference.” I shouldn’t be trying to have this discussion with a woman, should I?

“Maybe I will leave you up here for a few days! I bet some time spent with your head in the clouds will put something more in that stupid logical mind of yours!” Stupid, logical, pick one.

“There is plenty enough emotion in my mind. I just choose not to show it when explaining experimental procedure. Trust me when I say that if I wanted to take the lid off, I would rather quickly inundate you with anger. However, that would be a bit of a bad idea, as you’ve kidnapped me and are the only person that knows I’m up here. But it would be satisfying for a short while.”

“You… You really aren’t a pony, that’s for sure… So that’s all that happened? Just tests? No flirting with Big MacIntosh?”

“As far as I know, you didn’t do any flirting with Big MacIntosh.” Doesn’t mean he didn’t try any flirting on you, though…

“As far as you know? That’s comforting…” She harrumphed. “But I really wasn’t planning on keeping you here that long. I’m sure Twilight would say something if her new favorite… ugh, study buddy disappeared.” With that, she wrapped her front legs around me again and took off.

It is an interesting feeling, flying like that. I wasn’t paying as much attention before, thinking she’d still want revenge of some kind. This time, though, I tried paying a lot more attention.

So it was a lot more surprising when we were passing over a lake and she dropped me. My reflexes woke up this time and pulled overtime as I managed to grab onto one of her legs as she was sailing away snickering, and I somehow pulled myself up and onto her back. No, I don’t know how. I wasn’t really paying attention at the time.

That was a mistake. I rode a few horses and even a cow or two when I was a lot younger. Before I…er, developed. Those encounters did nothing at all to prepare me for a wild bucking flying mare that’s doing her utmost to remove an indignity from her proud back.

I held on for dear life as she did her best to remove me. Everyone at any rodeo would be cheering for me, even though I didn’t handicap myself with one hand in the air. Both were wrapped around her neck, trying to make sure I didn’t fall off as she did everything she could to dislodge me.

Finally, as we were both getting completely exhausted, I tried reasoning with her. “You could just set me down!”

I was very surprised when she suddenly seemed to click on and say, “That’s… that’s not a bad idea…”

So it was that we found ourselves with both of my feet and all four of hers planted firmly on the ground.

We both said something at the same time that painted a completely different picture. “Never again!” and “That was awesome!” Guess who said what.

“I never knew you humans could do that!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

“I… I didn’t know I could, either. Remind me to never ride any of you again… God, I’m going to be feeling this for weeks.”

“What do you mean, never do that again!? How else are you going to help me train for the sky rodeo?”

“If the sky rodeo is a real thing—and God I hope it’s not—why on earth would you want me to help you train for it? I’m the only human here!”

“It’s not a real thing. Yet. But just think! You’re the only human here, right? If we were to have some kind of competition like that among pegasi to see who can knock you off the fastest, it could be a huge spectacle sport! We could get the Wonderbolts here and they could all see ME in all my glory, showing everypony who’s the best in yet another sport!”

“I see a few glaring flaws in your plan. First, as soon as I got bucked off, I’d go falling to the ground to crack my fucking skull. Second, since I’m the only human, I’d get more and more tired as the event goes on, making it harder for me to keep up. Third, despite what you may think, I’m actually a bit terrified of heights. I don’t think I’m at Fluttershy’s level of fear, but there’s a reason I reacted so quickly when you tried to drop me.”

“As many fliers as we’ll have up there, you won’t have to worry about falling more than a few meters. You’ll be caught almost instantly by somepony. And we can easily have Twilight find a spell that completely revitalizes you! And surely you can get over a small bit of fear in order to help me succeed with my dream! Think about it as a way to make up for that splitting headache you gave me.”

How do I keep getting roped into this crap? I sighed. “If, and I do stress the if, you manage to get enough pegasi interested, I’m in. But if I die, I will haunt you. And it won’t be a pleasant haunting. There are a lot of very, very scary things in my world that I haven’t mentioned to anyone here and my imagination is vast, besides.”

“You won’t regret it!” With that, she flew off. I knew almost immediately that I would likely regret it. Hopefully I’d at least live long enough to regret it. Not like I wanted kids anyway. After a rodeo, I’ll probably never have them for sure.

I sighed and tried to get my bearings. In the waning light, it was a bit difficult. Soon enough, I found I wasn’t that far from the town and could probably get back to Rarity’s shop before night fell. Though honestly, why she’d even want to know if Applejack could watch the kids before they needed it was beyond me.

When I finally made it back to Twilight’s library, the last bit of sunlight had faded and it felt like the moon was watching me as I opened the door and made my way inside. Twilight and Spike were already in bed, so I had to waste no time with idle pleasantries. I happily sighed and went to find a place to rest my weary and battered body.

When I finally sat down, but thankfully before I could get comfortable, I heard a sound as of someone gently rapping at my door. Hoping it was Rainbow Dash to tell me she had a change of heart, I made my way to the door.

Instead, it was someone decidedly more raven-like: Luna. Look, I know I made the offer to the poor girl to come and talk any time, but really? She obviously didn’t have any other friends, if she came to talk to me two nights in a row. I reached over to grab my coat and joined her outside.

“You’ll have to excuse me if I walk a bit slowly and stiffly,” I told her. “I’m battered and bruised from two encounters with overenthusiastic torturers today.”

“Thou wert accosted?!” she boomed, forgetting both her inside voice and to speak properly.

“No! Nothing like that! It was a joke, Luna.” Jesus. I really need to teach her social cues or something. “I just had a run-in with some people and did a lot more stuff than I’m used to. My body is aching because of it.”

“I see. I am still somewhat unused to this time’s… humor. I assume there was a story behind your interesting day?”

“Yeah. Can’t promise it’s interesting, though… There are three fillies here that are looking to score their cutie marks. Their curiosity upon meeting me quickly turned into a desire to experiment upon me. To that end, I was put in a cart on a tall ramp, pushed down, and left to roll until one of them was able to catch up and ‘rescue’ me. I know this reference won’t mean much to you, but they remind me of the three stooges. Poor girls can’t do nothing right and they always manage to screw up more extravagantly when they’re dealing with someone else. In this case, I was that someone else, and I was dumb enough to sit in that cart for them three times, and only once did they manage to catch up to me before I hit a rock and tumbled out.”

“Foals will be foals, I suppose. It’s somewhat… cute that you’re helping them out, though. Twilight Sparkle doesn’t have you performing errands all day?”

“Thankfully, no. I’m usually left with free time, unless she asks me to help.”

“The incident with the fillies was one of your mentioned encounters. What about the other?”

“I had to ride bareback on a rampaging and flying mare as she did her best to dislodge me with all her might.”

“That… also warrants more explanation, I believe.”

“I don’t know how much you know about Twilight’s friends. In every group there is at least one prankster, and Rainbow Dash is one of the ones in this group. She took it upon herself to lift me up and try to drop me in a pond for a perceived slight upon her. I wasn’t expecting to be dropped, so I managed to barely catch myself on one of her legs and pull myself up. She tried to dislodge me. It didn’t work and I finally managed to talk sense into her long enough to get me on the ground. Then she lost that sense and decided that it would be awesome to have a ‘sky rodeo’ with me as the main victi—er, star.”

“A sky rodeo? Who would be participating and what would be the rules?”

“I don’t know and the only rule I’m concerned about is the one that involves saving the human before he falls to his death.”

“You actually agreed to it? I’m surprised! You seem like you might have more sense than that.”

“I agreed to it under the condition that she could get enough pegasi interested in it. I rather doubt that she’ll be able to, thank God. Most of them probably haven’t seen a human and wouldn’t want to be ridden by one if they had. Good riddance to that, too.”

“What, you didn’t enjoy your time in the sky?”

“I might not be opposed to the idea of riding a pegasus as they flew regularly, just from point A to point B. Trying to hold on as they kick and buck is a bit more than I’m interested in, especially if I’m high enough up that falling is deadly.”

“It sounds interesting to me.”

“If you can ever find a spell that will turn you into a human, be my guest.” Hey, maybe she’d even be cute as a human.

“I meant for the pegasus. It would be a fun test of skill.”

“You are not making me any happier that I agreed to it, even if it was under such an improbable condition.”

“This would be a way to get you exposed to more ponies, Navarone. They’re unused to you now, but if you were to appear in a contest such as this, their views would change. And I’m sure you’ll survive, if Rainbow Dash manages to get the support. Surely I or my sister can find a spell that would, if nothing else, make you fall a lot slower.”

“A spell that was made to work on ponies, who have a bit more mass and a very different shape than me. I’ll be risking a lot just letting Twilight revitalize me in between rounds. I’m going to ask her to experiment tomorrow with the various aches and pains I have now.”

“If you want, I could try now.”

“If you heal me now, I’ll have to get new aches and pains for Twilight to experiment on before the actual event happens, unless you’re planning on showing up to see it and can heal me there instead of Twilight.”

“And miss my favorite human get thrown about? I wouldn’t miss that for the moon.”

We were nearing a fountain. I sat on the edge and told her to try if she wanted.

She smiled and lowered her horn to touch me lightly on the arm. A very concentrated black orb pulsed out of the tip of her horn and into my arm. Suddenly, all my muscles froze up for an instant, with my eyes seeing white. When I was able to see and feel again, I found myself thrown against the statue in the fountain, smoking lightly. My entire skin felt like it was on fire. I opened my mouth to scream, but the burning sensation left as soon as it came and I instead let out a discontented warble. I noticed that, at the very least, all the pain was gone.

“What… what did you do?” I managed to stammer.

“I healed all your physical impurities,” she told me.

I checked my body over quickly. I was missing the small collection of scars I had picked up in my life. They were from nothing big, just accidents and a surgery, but I liked to occasionally lie about how I got them. I also noticed that I was missing the occasional rheumy cough that I had spent all my life with.

“I don’t know why it hit you so hard,” she continued. “You must have had a lot more wrong with you than just aches and pains.”

I continued checking over my body. All the missing skin around my fingers was back—just a nervous tick I have, picking at it. The slight arthritis I picked up due to my genetics appeared to be gone, as my habitual knee ache was gone. My nose was no longer half clogged. I couldn’t even feel the phlegm that was constantly at the back of my throat. As she said, I appeared to have been fixed of each and every physical problem.

When I was able to get over the shock and see that she was still looking at me, concerned, I managed to flash a weak grin. “Don’t worry about me. Just trying to sort out what all you actually did to me. Trust me when I say that it’s a lot more than you know.”

“Magic is a wonderful thing.”

I didn’t answer. Instead, I tried to get to my legs and managed a shaky stance. I picked my way off the frozen fountain and got my feet back on the dirt. Before she could say anything else, I hugged the princess around the neck. Holy shit, she’s really soft! Her flowing hair was like silk and her wings were like velvet.

I could tell she wasn’t expecting a hug. When I let her go, she still had a look of surprise on her face and her wings were flared.

“You removed pains I’ve had for so long that I didn’t notice them anymore. I figure that was justified,” I told her.

“How do you… stop noticing pain?” she asked, her wings slowly lowering.

“It’s like breathing or blinking. It’s just something that’s always there and becomes normal for you. You don’t notice that you’re always blinking or always breathing until you stop to think about it. The pain I was carrying was constant, so I eventually phased it out. I had to actually concentrate to see if I could feel it anymore.”

“Humans are very, very odd.”

“How do you know that it isn’t just me that’s very, very odd?”

“Because I’m pretty sure if what I said wasn’t true, you wouldn’t have said what you just did.”

“Odd is relative. I’m surprised there aren’t plenty of ponies that are hiding pain like this as well. Applejack’s grandmother is old and has a bad hip. You can’t tell me she’s not in some kind of pain because of that.”

“I’ve… I’ve never really thought about it like that. I just know that I’ve never felt much physical pain. I never thought that it might actually be common…”

“You also don’t spend much time around the regular ponies. If you want to rule your subjects, you need to know them. It would also help if they knew you more.”

“And you expect me to come to a festival designed around fear of me—or rather, Nightmare Moon.”

“When better?” At her look, I tried explaining, “Let the people see you as you are in contrast to what they fear. You’ve yet to cause me any manner of harm, and you don’t even look the same as Nightmare Moon anymore.” Though admittedly, I could barely see Luna in the weak light. And I had never seen Nightmare Moon. The only reason I knew is because Twilight mentioned it in her ramblings about the festival. “Hell, didn’t you just tell me that I should do the stupid sky rodeo thing for the same reason?”

“As I said, Navarone, I will think on it.” She readied her wings again and yet again I stopped her.

“You know, you didn’t tell me anything about your day. Or rather, your night. Or when you were practicing talking.”

She lowered her wings and said somewhat coolly, “You are correct. I did not.”

“Friendship is about give and take. You don’t have to tell me anything, of course. But I will listen if you want to.”

She looked at me for half a minute, and finally said, “I will answer a question or two.”

“Who have you been practicing talking with?”

As a side note that’s relevant to the point at hand, ponies are truly terrible liars. Every one of them I have seen tell a lie—the very small number of them—has so many tells that you know automatically when one is lying. And the funny thing? Not a single one of them notices. A pony can lie to another pony all day long and unless the one getting lied to can obviously tell the other pony is lying by looking at evidence, they’ll always believe each other.

I have abused the hell out of this.

Anyway, I just put that in there to explain how I immediately knew Luna was lying when she said, “My other friends.”

“You don’t have to lie to me. Mind, you also don’t have to tell me the truth. I won’t judge you either way.”

She sighed. “My servants…”

I nodded slowly. “Come on by the festival, Princess. We’ll find you some ponies to talk to.”

I think she smiled. I know she flew off.

The next day found me in another small adventure, this time with the resident dragon.

“Navarone,” Spike started, “how do you get mares to notice you?” Oh God.

“That is a loaded question and one that I’m not sure how to answer,” I replied. We were out in the middle of a field, looking for some kind of alchemical supplies or something for Twilight. I wasn’t really paying attention when she told us what to do; I knew Spike was and she wrote it all down anyway, so I figured we would be fine.

“What’s a loaded question?” he asked.

“A question that, in this case, is something that I can’t answer without getting in some kind of trouble. I’ll do my best to answer it, but follow any of the things I tell you at your own risk. First things first: Have you tried telling her how you feel?”

“I’ve made it as obvious as possible! I’ve done everything she’s asked, even the really nasty stuff, I always show my love and adoration on my face and it’s always evident in my voice. She still doesn’t seem to notice!”

“Spike, for the most part, women are very, very bad at picking up stuff like that. A lot of times, when a guy likes a girl, he’ll do all sorts of big things to impress her. She never notices, or just thinks it is kindness. On the flipside of that, when a girl likes a guy, she does all sorts of little things to impress him. He never notices. Both sides have very different methods of showing affection and love for the other and because of that, both sides have a hard time telling when the other likes them. Your best bet to make her notice is just telling her straight up.” Look, I’ve never had a girlfriend. I have, however, seen way too many romantic comedies, and I figure I can look at everything they do in movies like that and as long as I do the exact opposite, I should be fine.

“So you’re suggesting I just… tell her how I feel? Won’t that feel awkward?”

“Yes, it will. But—and don’t take this negatively—it’ll also quicken the process. If you tell her straight up you like her and she snuffs out your hopes, you know you don’t need to waste any more time on her. If you’ve done all you said you have for her, by now she either feels the same way or she probably never will.” I won’t lie, I know who he’s talking about. I’m also pretty sure she knows and I’m thinking she’s using him because of his affection. Rarity isn’t necessarily a bad person, but she is somewhat manipulative. With all her workload, though, I do kind of understand it. I figured this would be a good way to cut Spike off her leash, though.

“If she says she isn’t interested in me, what then? What if it’s somepony I need to work with often?”

I decided to tease him a bit about it. “Don’t tell me this girl is Twilight.”

“What? No! It’s Ra—I mean, this is all hypothetical!” I smiled.

“In that case, if she says she isn’t interested in you, just drop it. Feel free to help her if you want, but just note that you’ll probably never be able to make her feel the same way you do about her. It’s a painful thought, I know, but it’s also the truth. Besides, how long do dragons even live? And how long until you’re fully grown?” I could tell I hit a bit of a soft spot, and I immediately regretted the words. “Don’t worry about it, man. Even if this girl isn’t the one for you, you’ll find one someday. Besides, you haven’t even asked her yet!”

“I think I would feel too nervous to ever ask her out with me…”

I almost made the cardinal mistake of relationship helping. I almost offered to ask her for him. My mouth was open and the words were forming before I managed to strangle the words away. I disguised the sound with a cough.

Much good it did me. “Navarone, you think you could, I don’t know, maybe ask her for me?”

Well, shit. “Before I answer that, I want to tell you a few things. First, that’s basically the cardinal mistake in relationship planning, and it could go one of a few ways with about an equal chance of each happening. Possibility one is complete success. I ask her and she answers. Possibility two is partial success. I ask her and she refuses to answer, because I’m not asking for myself. Possibility three is partial failure. I screw up somehow and ask her in a way that makes it seem like I’m asking about her opinions toward me instead of toward you, and she answers that way instead. Possibility four is complete and total failure. Don’t ask me how it happens, because I don’t even want to think about it, but it ends with you banned from her presence forever and me as her eternal slave.”

“Those don’t seem very likely.”

“And this doesn’t seem very hypothetical.”

“…Okay, but you have to promise not to tell anypony about it. The last pony I told blabbed it to somepony.”

“I don’t tell secrets, Spike. If I did, I would have told Rarity a long time ago that you liked her. I honestly don’t know how she hasn’t figured it out, or if she knows and is just waiting for you to make a move.”

“Okay, the secret is—wait, what? Did Twilight tell you too?!”

“Dude, it’s incredibly obvious. I mean, I don’t do relationships at all and even I figured it out as soon as I saw you near her.”

“But… but… what?”

I saw an interesting chance to get out of work I wasn’t planning on doing anyway. “If you really want me to go ask her, you’ll have to finish this work yourself.”

“On second thought, I think I’ll just keep to my method, and hope for the best…” Well, it was worth a shot.

Now, I read a lot, and I never really thought about time passing in books. But when I decided to write up this journal, I ended up really thinking about it. An hour working in silence, digging through leaves, is a long, long time. Odd how stuff like that doesn’t end up in your perspective until you actually have to live it.

After that hour, I decided a different approach. “Well, maybe human women are different from pony mares.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe stuff that would work in my world wouldn’t work here. I don’t know, I’ve never thought to try it. I don’t even know how interracial stuff like that would work here, nor do I really want to know.” I mean, the cockatrice had to come from somewhere. “You’d honestly be better off asking a pony. A male pony, not a female one. A male pony that’s in a stable relationship.”

“I don’t actually know many stallions. Twilight doesn’t hang out with them and I don’t get out of the library much. The only one I know is Big Macintosh, and he’s not in a relationship.”

“I’ve noticed that too, actually. Have you ever met Twilight’s parents? If nothing else you could ask her dad.”

“He’d probably assume I was asking to try to get Twilight to like me, though!”

“What people think doesn’t usually matter that much. Let him think what he wants, as long as he gives you the results you need. If he doesn’t want to help you, assure him that it’s for one of her friends, or something.”

“I don’t know…”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I get banned from Rarity’s presence and Twilight’s dad becomes her eternal slave?”

The rest of our search passed with us thinking of increasingly random and off the wall possibilities of things that could happen if someone botched a relationship. It was pretty amusing. One ended up with the guy exiled to another continent, one ended up with him almost dead and then in love with her sister, one ended with the guy going through a complete and total hell only to realize he never really liked her in the first place, and one ended up with the girl saying yes on accident and then being completely passive aggressive for the rest of the relationship.

I didn’t see much more of Luna after that. She stopped by one more time before the festival, and that was just long enough to tell me she was definitely going to be there. And let me tell you, that festival ended up being quite an interesting night...

Chapter Four—Nightmare Night

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12dYrnwkAzDUGweFIhIhgb1GnrAJP8NPMVb_pMe5Cmb4/edit

Oh, and for those that are lazy and ignorant: Charon is the ferryman of Hades, ferrying the souls of the dead over the rivers Styx and Archeron.

I was lying on a patch of moss outside of Fluttershy’s house when night fell. I had a bunny over my eyes, blocking out as much of the remaining light as I could. Twilight was pacing back and forth, jingling with every step; she was wearing some costume of a wizard or something and it was covered in bells. Fluttershy was watching Twilight with increasing nervousness, occasionally darting her eyes to the sky. Every time a bit of wind rustled the leaves or a cloud passed over, she flinched and whimpered.

Fluttershy, as I’m sure you might have been able to guess, was not a fan of this Halloween-esque festival. She doesn’t like scary. And if she didn’t have Twilight’s guarantee that Luna wouldn’t hurt her, she would be locked in her house.

Night fell. Luna didn’t show up.

“M-m-maybe she decided not to c-c-come!” Fluttershy stuttered. I imagined she was looking at her door hopefully; my eyes were still covered by a warm bunny that was twitching slightly in its sleep.

“Nav said she would come,” Twilight said. “But I don’t plan on waiting here all night. Fashionably late is one thing. Outright tardy is another!” God, don’t get Twilight started on being tardy…

“She’ll be here,” I calmly said. The bunny flinched.

Fluttershy squeaked when she heard my voice. That made the bunny look up, allowing me to open an eye. Nothing happening. The eye closed again and the bunny, seeing the same thing, fell back asleep. “Sorry,” Fluttershy whispered. “I thought you were asleep…”

Not a second after that, though, a loud clap of thunder sent the rabbit jumping away in terror. I opened my eyes and saw a pair of demons descending from the skies wherein dark, stormy clouds were suddenly forming.

Fluttershy straight up fainted. Twilight openly gaped. I just stared.

It didn’t take us long to discern that the demons were pulling a chariot. And once we realized that, we discovered that Princess Luna was in the chariot. That is totally badass.

As it turned out, the ‘demons’ were actually ponies with bat wings. Luna’s night guards, I later learned. They were dark grey with purple armor. The crest on their chest piece looked reptilian and their helmet had something jutting straight up like a mohawk. And then I saw their eyes: Light amber, reflecting light, with cat-like pupils. They were, as I said, completely badass looking.

Twilight was still gaping when the chariot landed and Luna stepped off. I got to my feet and gently tapped Fluttershy with my foot. She just responded with a light groan. It’s going to be one of those nights, isn’t it?

I finally got a good look at Luna, too. The moon was finally full and Luna seemed radiant in its glow. She was much taller than Twilight and her horn was much larger. Around her neck was some manner of black necklace, with a half-moon featured in the center. She seemed to be wearing some kind of light blue slippers, though that might have just been strangely carved hooves. On her head was a tiara of similar color and design as the necklace. Her eyes were a light turquoise. And her hair and tail seemed to flow in the night sky, moving of its own volition.

“Well Princess,” I said, “you surprised the hell out of me. Nice ride. It’s going to scare the shit out of ponies, though.”

Princess Luna looked down at Fluttershy and then back up to me. “I will work on finding… more accommodating transportation.” She shifted her gaze to Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle, or perhaps Starswirl the Bearded. I hear you have some manner of plan?”

“I knew somepony would understand this costume!” Twilight was somewhat upset that no one we ran into knew who she was dressed as. “Navarone, you already know all this. Try to help Fluttershy while I explain it to the princess.”

I knelt down next to the catatonic Fluttershy and tried shaking her. “Fluttershy, it’s time to wake up.” She muttered something. I poked her in her side. “If you don’t get up, I’m going to find out if ponies are ticklish.” Nothing.

As it turns out, ponies are ticklish. And Fluttershy is very susceptible to it. I had her giggling and squealing in no time. “Now, are you going to faint again?” I asked when I finally relented.

“Not if it means you’ll tickle me again!” She suddenly looked terrified, remembering why it was she fainted in the first place. “Are the demons gone?” she asked, trying to huddle against me.

“They weren’t demons. They were Princess Luna’s guards.”

She started stuttering something about Nightmare Moon.

“No, not Nightmare Moon’s servants. Princess Luna’s servants. You have Twilight’s word they won’t harm you.” She didn’t seem very placated. I sighed and added, “Would it help if I offered to protect you or something?” She nodded weakly. I rolled my eyes. “Fine. I won’t let Princess Luna hurt you.”

I stood and offered her a hand. She gave me her hoof and I helped her up. As soon as she saw Luna, she held onto my hand as tightly as she could, despite not having fingers. I pried her hoof off my hand and she immediately huddled against me. I sighed again, putting an arm around the cowardly mare.

“Princess Luna,” Twilight said, “this is Fluttershy.” Princess Luna held out a hoof. Fluttershy jerked back and Luna got an unpleasant look on her face. After a reassuring squeeze from me and a small look shared with Twilight, Fluttershy shook hooves with her. Progress.

“I have heard much about you, Fluttershy,” Luna quietly said. “Would you care to show me some of your nocturnal animals?”

That perked Fluttershy right up. Any chance to talk about her animals drove most fear away from her. She fled from my arm and took the princess in hand. Or hoof, I suppose. They walked around Fluttershy’s menagerie of critters, talking about some of them.

Twilight and I shared a look. “Long night?” I asked.

“Yeah…” We shared a sigh. “But if she got Fluttershy on her side, the rest should be fairly easy. The ponies back in Ponyville know what kind of pony Fluttershy is. It should all go well enough when they see her next to Princess Luna.”

No plan that ever should ‘go well’ has run into Pinkie Pie and survived. She is a magnet for trouble and has no real manner of impulse control, not unlike a furby.

The four of us were walking back into town when we ran into Pinkie Pie and a large group of kids. Fluttershy was still talking our ears off about some manner of animal or something; I try not to pay attention when she starts going on about them.

Mind, Pinkie Pie knew the princess was supposed to come by tonight. She knew that and she knew what we were trying to do with her.

So of course, as soon as she saw us, she screamed something about Nightmare Moon and bolted. The children ran with her. Dammit, Pinkie.

I was rubbing my temple, Fluttershy was looking flustered, Princess Luna was looking depressed, and Twilight was looking confused. Twilight finally said, “I don’t understand. She was…” She sighed. “...Pinkie Pie. Nav, can you go figure out what she’s doing?”

I was the odd one out of that group anyway. Or rather, one of the two odd ones. It made the most sense to send me. The thing is, I had no idea where they may have gone. I quickly pushed my way through the crowd of curious ponies that had formed around us, trying to get away before too many could show up. Twilight began saying something or another to the assembled masses. I jogged onward, trying to find the horrid pink menace and her crowd of minions.

I bumped into Spike and Applejack not long after I got out of the crowd. Spike was dressed as a… dragon. Well, why not? Applejack was dressed as a scarecrow, or something. Me, I wasn’t dressed as anything yet. My outfit was at the treebrary, waiting for me to put it on. After all, why get it dirty by lying on the ground with it on? Spike pointed me off in the right direction. I made a pointed reminder to the two of them that Luna isn’t supposed to be scary.

It didn’t take me too much longer to find Pinkie and the group of kids with her. I had almost caught up to them when a massive bolt of fucking lightning shot down and hit the ground between us. They ran off squealing again and I stood my ground, trying to blink the after-image from my eyes. Lightning isn’t something you just see and dismiss, after all.

I was partially blinded for a few minutes and the full after-image didn’t depart my eyes for a few days. After the thunderclap stopped echoing in my ears, I heard a very Rainbow Dash-esque laugh and was barely able to make a dark figure zooming off into the night with a rainbow tail following it.

Instead of doing the smart thing and chasing her down to admonish her for almost frying my ass with lightning, I continued my search. I figured if I followed some leads on who was giving out the most candy, I could find Pinkie’s group pretty easily. So I started paying attention to conversations. It took me a few minutes to sort through the unimportant conversations and pick up the piercing shrills of children. Cheerilee. I had heard that name before. It was the name of a teacher or something. But I had no idea where she lived, so it was back to wandering for me.

Thankfully, Pinkie Pie is always incredibly noticeable wherever she goes. It didn’t take me long to find her again. Nothing impeded my access to her, so I pushed through the gaggle of kids surrounding her. I found myself face to face with a chicken. After taking a second to actually look over it, I realized it was Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume. Yup, that’s Pinkie Pie for you.

She broke into a smile when she saw me, though. “Navarone! I thought you would be with Twilight and the princess. What are you doing away from them? Or… Or are they hiding nearby, waiting to eat one of us?” The kids looked alarmed at that and began fruitlessly searching the shadows.

“I thought we had been over this,” I said, crossing my arms. “Luna is here to make friends. Your fear-mongering and running away with a gaggle of children is not helping.”

“But sometimes being scared is fun!”

“Not for the person that you’re scared of. Seeing all of you run away screaming cut Luna pretty deeply. She regrets what she became. How is she to go about making friends if every time she tries, ponies flee?”

She harrumphed, but thought about it for a few seconds. “Fiiiine!” I nodded and turned to go. “Wait, where are you going?”

I turned back to her and said, “To go get dressed, of course. I left my costume in the library until the party truly started. Now that the princess of the night is here, I think it’s time for things to really get started.”

“Oooh, what are you dressing up as?” she asked, wonderment in her eyes.

“Oh, you’ll see,” I said, my smile turning dark. “You’ll see…” To add an even darker undertone to what I said, Rainbow Dash kicked off a bolt of lightning somewhere near us. Thunder roared and light flashed around us, bouncing brightly off my smile. Pinkie and all the kids flinched at the lightning, looking toward where it touched down.

By the time they turned back to me, I was gone. I had to run pretty damn fast to get away like that, too. By the time I got to the library, I was panting and making resolutions that I wouldn’t keep to exercise more.

It was worth the sprint when I got up to the room that Twilight grew out of her tree for me. Lying on the bed was the costume I spent so much time making. Well, Rarity made the cloak and the robes. But I spent literally minutes on the headpiece. It was a bleached skull of some kind of crazy-ass critter I found in the Everfree just lying on the path to Zecora’s house. The thing had horns like a ram but the teeth of a sabre toothed cat. I’m glad I didn’t run into it when it was alive.

...Or worse, whatever killed it.

Hunting was a hobby in my spare time back on Earth, so I picked up a few friends that knew taxidermy. I didn’t learn that much from them, but one of the things I learned was how to bleach bones. I put those skills to use on the skull, thinking it would be a cool ornament. Then I decided it would make a badass costume piece instead.

So on went the black robes, the cloak, and the gloves. After a moment of pointlessly making sure my hair was down flat, I slowly put the skull over my head, making sure not to hit myself with the fangs or any of the jagged pieces where parts of it broke. As the finishing touch, I picked up the tall scythe that Applejack let me borrow from her farm. Why the ponies had a tool that took two hands to use, I don’t know.

As I walked down the stairs in what I was hoping would be a good costume with which to scare ponies, I couldn’t help but lament the fact that I still didn’t have new shoes for the cold weather. Imposing on Rarity risked owing her a favor and owing her never ended well for me. One of these days.

Right when I got to the door, there came a knocking that I recognized as trick-or-treaters. Seeing that as my chance to begin the reign of terror early, I pulled up my hood and readied the scythe as I slowly pulled the door open.

And so I was revealed in all my horrifying glory to the fillies and colts of Ponyville. “Who dares disturb Death itself?” I growled under the mask, leaning in to the foals that were starting to back up. When I gripped the scythe with both hands, the group of them screamed and bolted. My dark, evil laugh followed them in the night. “God, I love Halloween,” I said to no one, putting the scythe back in a one-handed grip and stepping out of the library, closing the door behind me.

When I was turning back to confront the night, I saw the next group of trick-or-treating foals coming by to the library. I couldn’t help but lock eyes with the one in front, a small white colt with an eye patch. None of the rest of them had really noticed me at that point, so I pulled my hood back, revealing my skeletal appearance.

The little colt up front immediately froze, his eyes locking onto the hollow eye sockets of my mask. “Thou dare approacheth Death?” I darkly intoned, stepping closer and grabbing the scythe with both hands yet again.

That got the attention of everyone in the group and they all turned to me. When they realized just what it was they were standing before, their mouths dropped. I advanced another step and each one of them bolted, leaving just their chaperone behind. “That scythe looks familiar…” Granny Smith said, eyeing it.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” I asked, dropping the dark voice. Or maybe in a grave. Either or.

“Shoulda been there five hours ago!” she angrily answered. Or five years. “Durn foals and their newfangled games! Why, back in my day—Hey, where you going?” Any old person that starts talking about things back in their day should have stopped talking long since. As soon as she whipped that phrase out, I just turned around and started walking off.

Anyway, I walked on toward the main party area. Now, I knew I couldn’t get away with scaring foals all night. Oh sure, it would be really fun, but I’d eventually get in trouble. Besides, my reputation in town was still rather fluid and scaring all the foals could ruin what I worked so impassively to build.

So I couldn’t just scare foals all night… But I could at the very least play games or whatever. Maybe just be seen participating in a way that wasn’t hurting anyone. Especially since I had a fucking scythe on hand, though I don’t know if scythes here have the same dark history to them that those on Earth do.

With the purpose of cooperation in mind, I lifted the cowl on the cloak so my mask couldn’t be seen. I did it just in time, too; right when I got it to cover me, I entered the large area that was set aside for games and the like. A few of the ponies looked up to see me entering the area, but not too many. Most of those that did look up didn’t bother keeping me in sight for long.

But a few of them just stared, presumably either trying to figure out what I was dressing up as or unsure if I was going to be safe. I didn’t pay them much mind, instead walking to where Luna was throwing some manner of stuffed spiders at a web. For someone that had never played any kind of fair games, she seemed to be doing well.

Twilight was standing a little ways back from her, watching the princess with a smile. “So?” I asked, quietly sidling in next to her.

She jumped when I spoke, since I moved so softly that she didn’t even hear me. “Oh, it’s just you… Things are going well! I completely forgot that you were going to dress up. What are you, anyway?”

“Death.”

“...What? How can you be a concept?”

“It’s a human thing. I’ll explain later.” It’s a good thing I chose to hold off the explanation, since Luna turned around a few seconds later, beaming. Her smile took a hit when she saw the cloaked and cowled figure in front of her with a weapon, but it recovered quickly enough when I spoke. “I see things are going well, Princess. Have fun?”

“Indeed! It is… a new experience. One that has been sorely lacking over the long years!”

“I can imagine,” I replied. “You know, it’s a lot better when you’re competing against someone, trying to outdo them.”

“Oh?” she said, a small hint of a daring tone starting to pop up. “Wouldst thou care to compete against me, Navarone?”

“Hey now, don’t look at me. I meant Twilight, here.” I used the butt of my scythe to press against Twilight’s flank, trying to get her to move.

The purple mare just looked at me in confusion. “I don’t know anything about those games! I… I never played them either…”

“Well there you go,” I said, smiling under the mask. “It’s a lot more fair to have two inexperienced people competing.”

“What’s the matter?” Twilight said, turning to me. “You afraid to lose, Nav?”

“More that I’m apathetic,” I answered with a shrug.

That was the wrong answer. A blue aura surrounded one of the spiders and it floated to me. “Your Princess commands you to play,” Luna said, taking a haughty stance.

“Alright,” I said, taking the stuffed spider in hand. I walked on up to the throwing area, let the scythe lean on my shoulder, tossed the spider up twice to judge its weight, and then tossed it about a few inches to the right of the bull’s eye, closer than any of Luna’s little spiders. “Eh, been a little while.” Since there were another two spiders in front of me, I threw the two of them as well. The first one was overcorrected and landed a few inches left. The last one fell a bit too much ending up dead center but low.

When I turned back, Luna’s eyes were slightly narrowed and Twilight seemed at least halfway impressed. “I didn’t know you could throw like that,” Twilight said.

“Not too dissimilar to knife throwing,” I replied. “I had an uncle that was really into that and showed me all about it.”

“Luck,” Luna declared before looking down to Twilight. “What other games may we participate in?”

“Oh, there are all kinds of things set up, Princess! But first I want you to meet my friend Applejack, who has an apple bobbing game set up. So that’s one you could do.”

“Lead the way, then.” Twilight started walking off and Luna began following.

I shrugged and went to join them, but the mare running the spider game stopped me. “Ah, sir?” she quietly said. I turned back to her and she seemed to blanch for a moment before continuing, “Uh… Do you want your prize?”

“I won something?”

“Of course! Well, it’s not much, but those were some of the better tosses I’ve seen all night. Good enough to win one of my prizes, that’s for sure.” She reached down into a bag next to her front hooves and somehow pulled out a beanie baby-sized blue bear. “Here you are!”

“Uh. Thanks.” I’m not used to actually getting anything when I play things like that. “Have a good night. I gotta catch up.”

“You too, sir,” she called as I started quickly walking away, wondering what the fuck I was going to do with a beanie baby.

It didn’t take me but a few seconds to catch up with Luna and Twilight, though I wasn’t entirely certain that Luna wanted me around at that point. After all, she had just ‘lost’ for the first time, it seemed, even if it was just a silly carnival game. But I followed anyway, since the only other thing I had to do was scare kids.

When we got to Applejack, she only had two foals that were trying to get apples from her. One of them was the colt from the group I scared earlier. He actually fell into the bucket of water when we approached, but that was more because he was clumsy than because he saw me. I jumped forward, grabbing him around one of his kicking back legs, and pulled him out, holding him up to look the colt eye to eye socket.

“Death has come for thee, foal,” I whispered, leaning in closer. He started screaming and flailing about until I carefully dropped him on the ground. Then he galloped away as quickly as his small legs would carry him. The other foal he was with fled as soon as she saw me.

“That was mean, Nav!” Twilight admonished.

“Yeah, but it was funny,” I replied, stepping away from the bucket. “And besides, if they’re too busy being scared of Death, they won’t be fearing the night,” I added with a nod to Luna.

“Your… assistance is noted,” Luna dryly said, stepping closer.

“But I’d prefer you not scarin’ off my customers!” Applejack somewhat angrily added. “It’s hard enough to get anypony over here in the first place!” Host a better game, then.

“Eh, I’ll try. But with a face like mine, it’s hard not scaring people.” As I said that, I pulled the hood back, revealing my pale visage for all to see. Applejack and Twilight gasped, since neither of them knew I grabbed the skull or cleaned it up.

Luna, however, didn’t seem all that shocked. “Hm. I didn’t know any of those were still alive. I suppose I have to send the royal hunters into the Everfree to recreate my menagerie. But that is a task for later.” She turned to the bucket of apples and peered into it. “How does one play this… game?”

“It’s real simple, Princess!” Applejack merrily said, happy to have a princess as a customer. “You just stick your head on in and try to grab an apple using only your teeth.”

“Simple!” Twilight and I shared a smile behind her back as Luna’s horn lit up and her crown lifted from her head. “Navarone, I dub thee temporary tiara holder.” Before I could answer, she thrust the thing into my hands and then shoved her head into the bucket.

“Hm. Wonder how long she can hold her breath,” I idly said, putting the little bear inside the tiara so when she took it back, she’d have a guest.

“What d’you think her hair will look like wet?” Applejack asked, tilting her head at Luna’s bent over form.

“I bet it’ll be funny,” I said with a smile.

“Either way, you shouldn’t laugh!” Twilight hastily said. “You really shouldn’t act so poorly in front of a princess, Navarone!”

“Man, royal blood don’t mean shit to me. If she gets offended by that, oh well.”

Twilight snorted and was probably about to comment when Luna’s head ripped out of the bucket. “Insolent apples! Come into our mouth!”

Once again, I hopped forward, laying a hand on her side. She flinched at the contact and then glared at me. “There’s a technique to it,” I said. “Get one against the wall and then do it. Or go for the stem. Most of these games are fairly easy once you understand how they work.”

“If it’s so easy, you do it!” she commanded, pulling the tiara back from my hands.

I rolled my eyes and pulled the skull off my head, setting it and the scythe down next to me. Them out of the way, I stuck my head near the water, nuzzled one of the apples to the side, and then very easily bit into it, using the wall to hold it in place. I could practically hear Luna’s teeth grinding behind me as I pulled my head and the apple, both dripping, out of the bucket. “What do I win?” I asked Applejack when I pulled the apple out of my mouth.

“One apple,” she answered with a grin. Oh, you cheap bitch.

“Ugh. I haven’t had any fruit other than fucking apples in months. Twilight, Luna, either of you hungry?” I asked, turning back to face them.

Luna seemed to be over her initial anger and was studying the stuffed bear I left in her crown. “From where did this come?” she asked, tilting her head.

“I think that mare with the spiders was using them as prizes,” Twilight said.

One of Luna’s eyes twitched and the bear shot toward me, slamming into my chest. “We do not accept pity, Navarone.”

All three of us just stared at her in almost complete shock. “Pity?” I asked. “What are you talking about?”

“You giving me the prize because I could not win it myself. Do not pity your princess!”

“I… think it was a gift,” Twilight slowly said.

“Yeah…” Jesus, this bitch is crazy.

“A… gift?” Luna asked, the fire in her eyes dying down to more of a simmer. “What is the purpose of a gift?”

I let Twilight field that question as I grabbed my mask and scythe again. “A gift is when one pony gives another an object they believe the other might desire. It’s a sign of friendship, not pity.” As she was saying all of that, I was putting the mask and cowl back on. No reason to walk around possibly scaring anyone, after all. But my hands were starting to get very full, with the scythe, bear, and apple to hold.

“And this… bear… was a gift for me?” Luna asked when Twilight finished, looking back to me.

“Sure.” After all, I don’t want to carry it around and I have no need for stuffed animals.

“Then… thank you,” she said, a small tinge of red appearing on her cheeks. I imagine she was slightly surprised, for some reason.

Thankfully, Applejack finally did something useful by breaking up what might have been an awkward moment. “So you wanna try your luck again, Princess?” she asked.

“I shall. Navarone shan’t outdo me in everything this night.” She stepped back up to the water, once again shoving her crown into my hands. I set the bear back into the tiara and backed away from the bucket, letting her do her thing.

“For a second there, I thought she was about to kill me,” I said to Twilight.

“I wasn’t worried so much about that,” she answered with a hint of relief. “But she definitely seemed rather upset for a moment. Is she really so unused to receiving gifts?”

“Obviously. Speaking of which, you want this apple? I’m not hungry and I can’t eat it through this mask anyway.”

“Sure. I haven’t eaten dinner yet.” She took the apple with her magic and went to town on it, devouring the thing before Luna finally pulled an apple from the watery depths.

“Huzzah!” she shouted, dropping the apple and catching it with magic. “‘Twas most fun, farmer Applejack! What is our prize?”

“One apple,” Applejack responded with a smile.

“...Oh. Well, I was hungry anyway. Come Twilight, Navarone! There is much more fun to be had!” Her horn lit up slightly brighter to pull the crown from me, setting it back on her rather wet head.

“Well,” Twilight said, “I think there was a pumpkin catapult somewhere over there.” She waved a hoof to our left, where several more booths were set up. “That should be pretty interesting.”

“Then lead the way!” As Twilight started walking, Luna began eating her hard-won apple.

I started to follow, but Applejack grabbed my robe somehow. “Be careful with her,” she whispered, eyeing Luna. “I know she don’t want to hurt nopony, but she had fire in her eyes when she threw that bear at ya.”

“Trust me, I have no intention of pissing her off,” I just as quietly answered. “I’ll definitely take care.” Applejack let me go and once again, I caught up with Luna and Twilight, both of whom seemed to be having fun.

“Mayhaps I should have come to Ponyville sooner,” Luna mused aloud as we walked. “The citizens here seem rather accepting. And this ‘fun’ is a most enjoyable experience!” No shit, Sherlock.

“You’re welcome back at any time,” Twilight said. “But things probably won’t be as fun without a festival going on.”

“Then perhaps a year-long festival is in order,” Luna replied.

“That would get boring quickly,” I said. “The point of festivals is to take a break from normal life. If they became normal life, it would just become routine rather than something special.”

“There is… wisdom in your words,” she reluctantly admitted. “‘Tis a shame, but an understandable one.”

“And we’re here!” Twilight said, waving a hoof at the small catapults that were set up.

“What is the purpose of this game?” Luna answered, a smile already forming as she walked up to one of the weapons.

The mare working the game said, “You launch a pumpkin at the target, Princess. The goal is to hit the center.”

“Once again, simple!” the moon princess declared, grabbing one of the pumpkins next to the catapult she appropriated. Without any prompting, she pulled the arm down and shot the pumpkin perfectly toward the target, splattering the pumpkin in a juicy mess. “Let me see thee best that, Navarone!” she said, shooting a smile my way.

“You’re disturbingly good at shooting catapults,” I replied, stepping up to the firing line.

“I have much experience with them,” she said, lifting a hoof to blow on it nonchalantly. “But I believe those are stories my sister does not like telling others about.”

“Eh, whatever. You aren’t the only one with experience. High school physics.” And a few clubs. It took me a little longer to aim my catapult, but my shot was just as true and sure. “It also doesn’t hurt that the target and ammo are both so big.”

“High school?” she asked, not really caring that I did as well as she. “Is that a school for those that live among mountains?”

“Not quite." I once again took the scythe in hand, moving away from the line of catapults. “Hey, are there any prizes for this one?”

The mare shook her head. “You get to blow up a pumpkin! What more could you want?”

“...You raise a very good point. So what next, Twilight?”

“Hm… Princess, have you ever done a strength test?”

“Nay, we have not. We tended to test myself differently. Against who would I test myself?”

“You’ll see!” Twilight said. “Come on, let’s go find it.”

As we started walking off again, Luna asked, “So what is a high school, Navarone?”

“Well, public education in my land is broken into three basic tiers. Elementary, which is basic. Middle school, which is more advanced. And high school, which is the highest tier of the still relatively basic—Hold on.”

I saw a familiar colt trying to sneak past my line of sight. As soon as I realized he was trying to avoid me, I knew what I had to do. So I began slowly walking toward him, lifting my scythe.

Luckily for me, some mare giving out candy caught his attention, getting him to turn his back on me. Which, as it turned out, was a big mistake for the poor kid. I snatched him up by his neck, whispering, “Death stalks thee this night, colt.” He squealed as soon as I touched him but went deathly silent when I started whispering. “Run as fast as thy legs will take thee and you might yet escape.”

By the time I dropped him, I honestly didn’t think his legs would even hold him. Seemed like the kid was a fighter, though, as he immediately turned to check it if was me. Upon determining that it was, the eye of his not covered by a pirate patch went extremely wide and he just made a squeaking noise before booking it.

With the colt now even more traumatized, I went back to where Luna and Twilight were waiting, the latter with a look of extreme disapproval. “Navarone, what did I just tell you five minutes ago?!” she demanded.

“I dunno, something about watermelons?”

“Leave the poor foals alone! You aren’t supposed to be scaring them!”

“But it’s so much fun!”

Luna snorted. “I fail to see what is so scary about his costume.”

“One who is immortal holds little fear of death,” I said by way of answer. “Of course you wouldn’t be scared. But to those of us that have to worry about rotting in a hole, it’s a slightly more pressing concern.”

“...How can you be dressed as death?” she asked.

“It’s a human thing. Twilight, lead the way.”

“Ugh. You better not scare any more foals, Nav!”

“I’ll think about it.”

As we continued walking, Luna asked me more about the personification of death. I explained it as best I could, which honestly wasn’t all that well. Not paying much attention to the history of folklore makes stuff like that difficult to talk about, after all.

There wasn’t any kind of line at the tall strength machine thing. “Step right up!” the stallion in charge said. “Care to test your strength, ladies?”

“We would like to give it a try,” Luna said, stepping forward. “How do I play this game?”

“Easy as pie, Princess,” the fellow answered. “Just step right up and use your hind legs to buck this plate here,” he said, tapping the target plate. “The little tab here will rise according to how strong you are.”

“All these fun games are so simple!” she joyously said, moving to the line and casually bucking the plate with a large smile on her face. That smile disappeared at the sound of something shattering behind her. “Um…”

The plate she kicked was cracked in half, broken down the center. And the tab that was supposed to rise up to hit the bell shot up so quickly that it tore the bell off and continued past it into the air. I could barely see it still rising and watched as it slowly started to fall. It smashed right into Rainbow Dash, who was about to slam her hooves down onto a cloud to create lightning. She tumbled down off the low hanging cloud, hitting the dirt with a solid thud. Twilight galloped off to make sure she was okay.

“Damn,” I said, both my eyebrows lifting. You’d think all that time on the moon would atrophy her muscles. “Well, you definitely got me beat in that department, Princess,” I said.

“You… you broke my machine!” the guy said, just completely shocked.

“Uh… My apologies, citizen.”

“Just uh… send a bill to Canterlot Castle,” I said, wrapping my arm around Luna’s neck and leading her away before the guy could get over his surprise and get angry.

“Send a bill?” she asked, somehow too confused to pull away.

“That machine isn’t free and repairing it will take money. You accidentally broke it, so you should pay to fix it. This way he doesn’t complain about the princess that ruined his business.”

“Hm. I see. Times have definitely changed… And why is thy arm around our neck?”

“Sorry.” I let her go and put some space between us. “Just wanted to get you away from that guy before something happened. You never know how some people will react.”

“That is acceptable. So where did Twilight go?”

“When the tab broke free, it hit Rainbow Dash. Twilight went to go check on her.” I looked over that way to see that neither of them were there. “Looks like she took Dash off to get checked on by the doctors, I suppose. We might be alone for a few minutes.”

“How can we be alone if there are two of us?”

“Just a phrase. Let’s walk around, see what we can find.”

“Very well. Let us… roam.” We started walking, looking around at all the games and shit being played. “So you said that I have you beat ‘in that department.’ What does that mean?”

“You’re a hell of a lot stronger than I am. If you lose every other game here, at least you have that as a consolation.”

“It hardly feels consoling. Celestia and I have been stronger than almost all ponies for thousands of years. Hm. What game is that?”

I followed her gaze and saw a few ponies throwing darts at balloons. “Oh, darts. The point is to use the darts to pop balloons. Sometimes the balloons are worth different points.”

“We shall compete,” she declared, stepping up to the game booth. “Is there an unused board?” she asked the fellow behind the counter.

“Indeed there is, Princess!” he answered, pointing to the board that obviously wasn’t being used behind him. “You want to play with your friend, there?”

“Yes. Navarone, step forth.”

“Eh, alright…” I did as she commanded, joining her at the front of the booth. “This reminds me that I need to get a dart board in the library. It gets boring there.”

“Then read,” Luna said as the guy put five darts before each of us.

“No magic,” he said before Luna could pick one of the darts up that way.

“Reading gets old when that’s all you have to fucking do. What are the point values?” I asked.

“Red is worth three, yellow is worth two, green is worth one,” he said. Of course, there were a lot more green than the other two. He basically had several large targets on the board, with green balloons set on the outside and red and yellow on the inside.

I casually tossed one of my darts at the center of one of the targets, impaling a red balloon. She sniffed and tried to match me. Instead, she hit a yellow. I proceeded to hit two more reds, a yellow, and a green. She hit a single red, two greens, and another yellow. She snorted in anger as the guy pulled the darts off the board with magic.

“Care to try again?” he asked, setting the darts back in front of us.

“Nay,” she darkly answered, glaring at me.

“You can’t expect to get better without trying,” I said. “And I have a lot more experience with carnival games than you do.”

“We can practice on my own time!” she answered, turning and starting to walk off.

“Special somepony not like losing?” the guy behind the counter quietly asked.

“We’re not dating,” I replied. “And no, she doesn’t like it.”

“Then you get the extra large stuffed animal. I think you know what to do with it.” He pulled down a very large fluffy bunny and shoved it at me.

“Really?” I sighed, taking it.

“She seemed pretty upset.”

“Ugh. Thanks, I guess.” I took the giant thing and walked off to find Luna, who thankfully didn’t wander off too far. Since she was facing away from me, I just laid it across her back, making her jump. “Relax.”

“What did you put upon me?” she asked, turning her neck to peer at it.

“Another gift. Consider it an apology for showing you up.”

“Your apology is unneeded.” Her horn lit up and an aura appeared around the bunny, but I put a hand on it before she could remove it.

“Keep it anyway. I want to see if we can cover you entirely in these things before the night is out.”

“Hmph. That hardly seems enjoyable.”

“But it would be really adorable.” She blinked in surprise. “You want to keep looking for games?”

“Princesses are not and never will be adorable,” she replied. However, she didn’t make any efforts to remove the bunny from her back. “And yes, we shall continue looking for games.”

“Excellent.” I took a quick moment to peer around the area before spotting something that made me smile. “Just wait here a sec. I got to take care of something.” She rolled her eyes as I quickly walked toward the same colt I’d been tormenting since I got dressed up, who was playing a skee ball game. The butt of my scythe came down right in front of his head, slamming into the ground with a loud crack. “Dost thou have no sense of self-preservation?” I hissed, leaning down.

His eyes slowly followed the scythe up until he was peering into my heavy mask once again. The ball he was holding fell from nerveless… whatever he was using to hold it. With it on the ground, he began galloping away again, screaming about the monster that was stalking him.

I stood back up straight and walked over to where I had left Luna. “Sorry about that. Let’s go.”

“You are going to traumatize that colt, Navarone.”

“Yeah, probably. I’ll be extra nice for a day later to make up for lost karma.”

“...Karma?” she asked as we began to walk, looking for more games.

“Human concept. Good deeds net you good karma. Bad deeds net you negative karma. The theory is that the more bad karma you have, the worse things that happen to you. And of course, the more good you have, the more good things happen to you. Of course, it’s complete bullshit, but it sounds nice.”

“I see. What is that game there?”

“Uh… Ring toss. Though I’ve never seen it done with unicorns.” In the booth, two unicorns dodged back and forth as the players tried to get rings around their horns. “You interested in trying?”

“It could be interesting. We shall try it, yes.” We stepped up to the booth and waited for the two players to give up before getting closer.

“You two want to try?” the female unicorn asked, pulling the ring around her horn off.

“We do,” Luna said with a nod.

“Alright. Standard rules apply, which means no magic!” she said. The guy with her used his magic to put fifteen rings in front of each of us, blue for her and red for me. “We’ll use the colors to tell you apart, so you can aim for either of us. Ready?” We both nodded. “Go!” Before she could move, I threw one of the rings at the guy, just barely making it around his horn.

That was the only ring either of us got. Those two were ridiculously good at dodging. “Cheap shot,” the stallion said when Luna and I both ran out of rings.

“Cheap but fair,” I said with a smile.

“Yep,” the mare answered, pulling a beanie baby monkey down from where she had them stored. “But you still only got one, so you don’t get a big prize. Unless you’d like to try again?”

“This game is not amusing,” Luna answered. “It is far too difficult.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “You two are too good.”

“We get a lot of practice,” she said with a shrug. I just grabbed the stuffed monkey and the two of us left that booth behind.

Before Luna could say anything, it joined the bear in her crown. “We’re getting you there.”

“This is highly unnecessary.”

“But funny,” I replied. “And in the end, that’s all that really matters.”

“You seem to really care for things that are ‘funny.’ You have given me the definition of fun, but not funny. What does it mean?”

Man, how do you explain humor? “Alright, you know how having fun yourself is enjoyable?”

“Yes, after this night.”

“Alright. Basically, something is funny when someone else does something that you enjoy watching or hearing. Like, if I told a good joke that made you laugh, the joke would be funny. Or if I tripped on my robes and fell and you thought it was amusing, that would be funny.”

“Hm. That is… a more difficult concept.”

“Eh, you’ll get it in time. Oh hey, do you like pie?” I pointed off to our left, where it looked like a pie eating contest was about to begin.

“Of course,” she answered with a nod. “What is the point of that game?”

“The point is to eat pie. Whoever eats the most wins.”

“...That is a game we can both enjoy, win or lose. We shall play!”

“Awesome. I fucking love pie.” We walked up to the sign-up area. “We too late to join?” I asked Mr. Cake, who was on the other side of the table.

“Not at all!” he happily answered. “We decided on an easier way to play this year. Anypony can play at any time. They have ten minutes to eat as much pie as they can. We’ll record what they eat and the top winners will get prizes when we can track ‘em down. Do you want me to add you both to the list?”

“Yeah. You know I love eating your wife’s creamy pie, dude.” He was about to start writing until I said that, then his head jerked up, his eyes blinking a few times. “Wait, that came out wrong.” He just shook his head and added our names to the list.

“So we can start eating?” Luna asked, looking at one of the tables of pies.

“Yep! We just gotta get you both seated and set up a timer. Shouldn’t take but a second. Cup Cake, you got the stop watch?”

“Of course, dear,” she answered, walking over from where she had been messing with the pies. “Who’s compe—Oh, Princess! I wasn’t expecting you to stop by…”

“I quite enjoy pie,” Luna replied. “And I believe this is something at which I may be able to beat Navarone.”

“Oh, definitely!” Mrs. Cake answered. “The poor colt needs some meat on his bones, but he just won’t let us feed him much!”

“There’s nothing wrong with being that skinny,” Mr. Cake told her. “But they’re both competing, so do you mind setting them up?”

“Of course, of course. Right this way, dears!” The fat-bottomed girl led us to a picnic table set up for ponies, which was just a picnic table that was exactly the same as a human one. I don’t know why. “Just have a seat and I’ll bring some pies over.”

Luna and I sat next to each other, her hair hitting against my shoulder because of the wind it seemed to be in. She set her bunny next to her. “You’ll probably win,” I said, pulling the skull off my head once again and setting it next to me. “I’m not much one for eating contests.”

“Then it is hardly a fair win. But I shall take it anyway.”

Mrs. Cake started putting pies down in front of us. “What kind of pies are these?” I asked her as she went to get some more.

“Pumpkin,” she replied. “We thought it fit the season.”

“Second best kind of pie,” I said, smiling in delight. “Only behind cheesecake.”

“Cheese… cake?” Luna asked. “Wouldn’t that be a cake and not a pie?”

“You’d certainly think,” I said with a shrug. “But I always considered it a pie since it has pie crust. Anyway, Mrs. Cake, you got a knife I can use? My face isn’t exactly suited for plunging into pies. Cutting it would make things easier.”

She brought over a simple butter knife with the next batch of pies. It was plenty enough for me, so I just nodded, taking the thing in hand.

“That’s hardly fair,” Luna commented. In reply, Mrs. Cake set one in front of her as well.

“Now, are you two ready?” she asked, lifting the stop watch.

“Yep,” I said with a nod.

“Ready!” Luna answered.

“Begin!” The watch beeped and both Luna and I snatched up the first pie. She just shoved her face in while I cut it into slices and started eating it that way. I was in the contest for free pie, not to win.

However, I could definitely tell that Luna was in that one to win. She shoved down so many fucking pies it wasn’t even funny. In the end, she got down upwards of thirteen of the damn things. I ate two and a half.

“It is nice to know we won,” she sighed happily, leaning back and rubbing her belly.

“You say that now. We’ll see how you feel in a few minutes when you realize that you just ate thirteen fucking pies. Your stomach’s gonna hurt like a bitch.”

“It was worth it, although I am unaware of how a dog hurts.”

“Thirteen pies?” Cup Cake asked, her eyebrows lifting. “You must have been quite hungry!” She gave the two and a half empty tins in front of me a cursory glance before rolling her eyes.

“They were most delicious,” Luna said, struggling to pull her newly fat ass out of the bench. To be fair, I had trouble extricating myself as well, but that’s just because I was in robes.

“I’m happy you liked them, Princess!” she answered, the dollar signs practically appearing in her eyes. “Thirteen full pies is definitely a new record, so we’ll have to think of some new prize.”

“The thought is appreciated,” Luna answered. “Now, I believe Navarone and I need to walk off that extra weight.”

“Psh. Speak for yourself,” I said as I put the skull back on. “But I suppose I can grant you some company. I’m a nice guy, after all.”

“So gracious,” she sarcastically replied, floating the bunny to her back. “Come, then. There must be an activity we can find while this pie settles.”

Back into the night we began walking, looking around for some new trouble to get into. Surprisingly enough, the ‘trouble’ actually found us instead of the other way around. “Ah, Princess!” Rarity said, hopping off a stage near us. “We were just looking for you.”

“What is it you need, Generosity?” Luna asked.

“There’s a costume contest going on right now and the other organizer wanted to ask if you would help us judge. I’m sure the contestants would absolutely adore having a princess judge them!”

Luna looked from Rarity to me for what I assumed was advice. I just shrugged and said, “Go for it. Hey Rarity, who all can be a contestant?”

“Oh, anypony,” she answered. “There’s a separate category for adults and foals, though.”

“I will judge,” Luna answered with a nod. “But only if Navarone competes.”

“Of course! Wait… Navarone, what are you supposed to be, anyway?”

“It’s the human’s personification of Death itself.”

“That’s… interesting. Why anthropomorphize it as another of your kind instead of making it something completely different?”

“Because we killed all of the monsters we ever ran into, save for ourselves and Death. What better way to respect death than to give it the form of the only monster we could never kill? Now, where are we supposed to go?”

“Navarone, you and your kind… scare me,” Rarity said, shaking her head. “But just follow me.” She began walking around the stage. “So, Princess, what brings you to Ponyville?”

“I am here for the festival,” Luna answered. “Navarone, your kind are monster hunters?”

“That depends entirely upon what you consider monsters.”

“Such a ghastly topic!” Rarity said, shivering. “Surely not suitable for something to discuss in front of a princess.” I just shrugged. “So why this festival, Princess? There are many others that tend to be more enjoyable.”

“We prefer the night,” Luna answered. “And the cool air, of course. There are other festivals, but not many that occur at night.”

“Hm. That’s understandable. But you should really make an attempt to come to next year’s Summer Wrap Up festival. There will be considerably more ponies here and many more contests to take part in. I’m sure you’d love it!”

“I will… consider it,” Luna tactfully answered. Thankfully, finally getting up onto the stairs saved us from going through more of Rarity’s torture.

“She said yes, everypony!” Rarity merrily called out, getting the attention of everyone on the stage. Unfortunately, the little colt I’d been fucking with wasn’t there. Although honestly, that probably wasn’t a bad thing. The poor bastard was probably already going to have enough nightmares.

“Wonderful news,” a stallion that I didn’t recognize said. “It’s good to have you judging with us, Princess.” From that, I assumed he was Rarity’s other judge.

“...Anything to assist,” Luna awkwardly answered, not sure what else to say.

“The rules are fairly simple,” Rarity said. “There are a few categories. Cute, realistic, and scary. Each contestant will say a few words and then step aside for the next one. At the end, we judge everypony and decide on a winner.”

“Very well,” Luna said, nodding. “‘Tis a simple sounding task.”

“Good, good. Navarone, go stand with the other contestants. We’ll be starting shortly!”

“Alright. See you in a few minutes, Luna.” I didn’t even realize I forgot to say princess until I was already walking away. Nothing was made of it, though, so I assumed no one else noticed either. Anyway, I walked around to the large gathering of ponies that were chatting amongst themselves, each in costume.

I was rather out of place in that group, but it wasn’t long before Pinkie approached me, smiling widely. “Nav, you did dress up!”

“Did you expect me not to?” I asked, rolling my shoulders.

“Well, I kinda expected you to avoid everypony all night, actually. But I’m so happy you didn’t!”

“Eh. I like scaring kids. It’s a lot of fun.”

“Silly Navi, there aren’t any goats in Ponyville! What are you dressed up as, anyway?”

“Humanity’s personification of death.”

“Neat! Is that why your face is a skull?” I have no clue how she was able to see into the cowl I was wearing, but I suppose the area was lit up enough that it was possible.

“Yeah.”

“Aww… I liked it the way it was before, when it was all mushy and soft!”

“Eh, it’ll go back to normal when I take the mask off.”

“Oooh, that’s a mask! Can I try it on?” she asked, starting to bounce in place.

“No. Your face is shaped too strangely.”

“Aww…” That killed most of her enthusiasm.

A new voice cut through the conversations all around us. “Would the first contestant please come forward?”

And then all of Pinkie’s enthusiasm was back. “That’s me! Wish me luck, Nav!” With that, she happily skipped to the front of the stage and began strutting like a chicken. After nearly a minute of making a fool of herself, she very elegantly bowed and walked back over to us. “Totally nailed it,” she said with a smile.

“If you say so,” I replied as the next contestant was called forward. And so the contest went until I was the last one left.

“Good luck!” Pinkie quietly called as I slowly stepped forward, using the scythe as a walking stick.

“So what are you?” the male judge asked, smiling up at me.

“Death,” I hissed, slowly pulling myself to my full height. “And thy time has come, stallion.”

“W-what?”

I started slowly walking toward him. “Thou hast liveth for far too long. I am here to drag thee down to the dark pits of hell where thou belongs.”

“You’re… a very good acto—”

“Who is acting, knave?” I angrily said, flinching to a stop. My head tilted slightly, as though confused. “Dost thou think thee still be living? Nay, thou art dead.” I once more began walking to where the three judges stood. The stallion began backing away. “Run not! There is no escaping thy fate.” One of my hands lifted to my cowl, slowly pulling it back as I said, “Look into my eyes and know only darkness!” With the hood fully back, the skull I had on was visible for all to see.

The stallion’s eyes went extremely wide and he started stammering, his legs shaking.

“Thy. Time. Has. Come,” I slowly announced, drawing closer with each word. Finally I stood before him, glaring down with empty eye sockets. He stood, transfixed, as I lifted the scythe up with both hands. Without a word, I brought it straight down… and it stopped right in front of his face, held in a blue aura.

“That is more than enough,” Luna said, pushing me away from the poor guy that could do nothing more than stare at the tip of the scythe.

“Oh come on. I wasn’t actually going to hit him,” I said, smiling behind the mask.

“Your time was up,” is all she said.

“Ahem…” Rarity daintily coughed, getting our attention. “That was quite a performance, Navarone,” she said. “Now, please return to the group so we can deliberate.” I shrugged and started walking back, settling the hood back over my head as I did.

“That was really cool!” Pinkie said when I got back to the group. The others didn’t seem to think so, however, as they all edged away from me. “I didn’t know you could act!”

“I have a lot of skills you ponies don’t know about,” I replied with a shrug. “But really, acting isn’t all that hard. You just have to know what you’re doing and be careful not to hesitate at the wrong moments.”

“You should teach acting classes, then.” Some of the unimportant ponies around us muttered at that.

“...Nah. That really doesn’t sound that fun.” Of course, she kept bothering me about it right up until the judges called for our attention.

“Everypony, we’re ready to announce the winners!” Rarity yelled over the talking horses around me. “Cutest foal goes to Twist, for her candy costume.” The little filly in question stepped forward, beaming. Okay, that kid is not at all cute. Her candy cane outfit was amusing, though. Rarity placed a medal around the neck of the candy cane and pointed the filly off to the right.

The stallion called, “The winner of the most realistic foal goes to Snails for his… ugh, snail costume.” The ugly colt stepped—er, slid forward, leaving a disgusting trail of slime behind him. God, I don’t even want to think about what a young teenager would use to make slime. The stallion put a medal around his neck, trying his hardest not to touch the kid. As soon as it was in place, he backed away, pointing Snails to stand next to Twist.

“And the winner for the scariest foal is Scootaloo,” Luna called out. A beaming Scoots stepped forward, showing off her cute little wolf costume. How is that scary? Come on, guys. Luna put the medal around Scootaloo’s proud neck and motioned for her to join the other two. She definitely made sure to stand away from Snails.

“That’s it for the foals,” Rarity said. “Next is the adult category. The winner of the cutest costume is Nurse Redheart!”

“Oh shoot,” Pinkie muttered, lightly kicking the stage.

The nurse stepped up, showing off her somewhat adorable nurse costume. Man, back on earth she would probably be wearing a slutty costume. Well, she’s a horse anyway, so it’s not like I’m missing anything. Rarity put the medal around Redheart’s neck and pointed her off to the side where the foals weren’t standing. She stood there proudly, waiting for the two others to join her.

“The winner of the most realistic prize is Pinkie Pie!” the stallion called out, smiling this time.

“Yay!” Pinkie jumped forward, hugging the judge. He awkwardly patted her on the back before prying her away to give her the medal. She took it and bounced off to join Nurse Redheart.

“And of course, the winner of the scariest costume is Navarone,” Luna announced, nodding at me. I shrugged and stepped forward, feeling the stares of everyone in the small crowd behind me. It took some slight kneeling for her to be able to easily put the medal around my neck, but she eventually managed. Unfortunately, it ended up with her hooves all over me there for a second, but we both ignored the moment and I marched on to join the other two.

“We won!” Pinkie excitedly whispered as Rarity launched into a speech meant to make the losers feel better about sucking.

“Sure did,” I just as quietly answered, not overly excited. I mean, I entered the damn thing on a whim, not caring if I won or lost. She didn’t seem to pick up on my apathy. Or if she did, she was too excited to comment on it. I just studied my medal as Rarity continued talking.

...All it had on it was a carved pumpkin head that was frowning. But it felt like real metal, so I wasn’t about to complain. It’s a better reward than I ever got from a costume contest back home, that’s for sure.

It didn’t take Rarity too long to shut the fuck up, thankfully. “And that wraps up this year’s costume contest, everypony!” she finally announced. “I hope to see you all next year.”

The crowd didn’t waste too much time dispersing. I barely even saw Pinkie as she darted away to find more candy. Only Rarity, Luna, and I stayed on the stage. I walked over to them.

“It was an honor to have you with us,” Rarity said to the princess. “And I know it meant a lot to everypony here.”

“It was a… fun contest,” Luna answered. “Though I believe I would have preferred being a contestant rather than a judge.”

“Oh, you can certainly compete next year, if you’d like! I can even make you a costume!”

“...We shall consider it,” Luna answered, one of her ears twitching slightly. “Navarone, I would like to go and find more fun.”

“Alright, let’s go see what we can find,” I said. “Have a good night, Rarity.”

“You too, Nav,” she said with a smile. “Enjoy your date!”

“It’s not a—” Luna started dragging me away at that point, using magic to pull me along. Rarity giggled before turning away to go about her own business.

“Why did Rarity tell you to enjoy your date?” Luna asked, releasing me. “You do not have any fruit with you.”

“Uh. Dates have two meanings, these days. The first is the fruit. The second is a romantic outing between a pair that is involved in a way that involves more than friendship.”

She stopped in her tracks, staring at me. “And dost thou consider this a date, Navarone?” she very calmly asked.

“No? That’s what I was trying to tell Rarity when you dragged me off.”

“Hm. Very well. Let us continue, then. But you will correct Generosity when next you see her.”

“Alright. No need to be so defensive, Princess.”

“...You may call me Luna, Navarone,” she said, starting to walk.

“Cool,” I said, falling into step next to her. “And of course, you can call me Nav.” She smiled, happy that she finally earned the right to use my nickname. Not that I cared either way, of course. Maybe people really were that much more formal in her time.

“So what other games are there for us to play?” she asked as we walked through the festival.

“Well, there’s pumpkin carving, if anyone is hosting a contest for it. That would be pretty fun.”

“Are there any games in which we may cooperate rather than compete?” she asked, watching two fillies run past, yelling in delight about something.

“I don’t know. Scavenger hunt, maybe? Each team gets a list of things to find and they prowl around to look for everything. I don’t know if anyone is doing something like that, though. Hell, most of the games we’ve already played could be done against other groups, if we had anyone to compete against.”

At the sound of more intense screams than usual, the two of us looked up toward a building that was very decorated for the holiday, covered in all kinds of spooky scary things, like miniature skeletons. As we watched, a group of mares galloped out, each screaming at the top of their lungs.

“And what is that?” she asked, watching another group going in.

“If I had to guess, I’d say a haunted house. There are several actors in there that try to scare you. The goal is to make it to the end without running out.” The group that just walked in quickly extricated themselves, running away like their lives depended on it. “Some places have prizes at the end. Some don’t.”

“We shall enter the house of horror,” she said, nodding resolutely. “You shall keep me from being scared. I shall keep you from being scared. We will beat this building!”

“I’m in. Let’s go.” We both walked to the rather large building, what looked to normally be a mansion.

“So what manner of horrors lie within?” she asked.

“No clue,” I replied with a shrug. “I’ve never been to a pony house of horrors. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just a pony in a white sheet jumping out and yelling boo.”

“That would be most disappointing.”

There was no one at the door, so we just stepped through easily enough. From what little I could see, the place was obviously dark and slightly misty. When we entered, I could hear the hissing of a fog machine expelling more of its foul product. I snorted softly upon hearing it. This’ll be fun.

The first ‘scare’ was a simple jump scare, doing essentially nothing but making the two of us flinch. The clown that jumped out tried his hardest, but… he was a clown. Not even a scary clown, either; the guy’s lips were painted as a smile.

We just walked past him, seeing a few props on our trip. Bowls of spaghetti for worms and a few grapes for eyes. Our second jump came from a sheet with a string on it, being thrown down at us from above.

“Really?” Luna asked as it bounced off me and slid back. We just shook our heads and continued onward.

The next little area was set up with a few spider webs and shit, but all the spiders were stuffed and looked relatively cute. A few fake snakes sat on the ground as well. Some black and white striped pony jumped out in front of us. “Ooga booga!” he shouted. We both jumped in surprise, but did little more. “Oh come on, that gets everypony!”

“Never break character,” I said as we walked past him. He just sighed.

The next area had a dentist standing in front of a patient that was strapped down. “CAVITIES!” the stallion happily yelled, pulling out a drill that looked like a toy and moving it close to the mare’s mouth.

I almost burst out laughing, but managed to control myself as we walked deeper into the horrible haunted house. The next place had a mail mare named Derpy, whose head was on a platter. As normal, both of her eyes were skewed, making it look like she had been in some kind of horrible accident. But of course, she couldn’t help but wear the goofy smile she almost always had on her face, even as we walked by and barely spared her a glance.

The next room had two ponies that just groaned, “Brains,” as they slowly shuffled toward us. They didn’t have any makeup or anything on them, so they were completely indistinguishable from any other ponies, other than their groans. We easily skirted around them and continued.

The final room was a little bit different. In it was a large amount of mirrors, all angled so that it was hard to tell where to go. “Ugh, I fucking hate mirror rooms,” I sighed, starting to walk in with one of my hands outstretched.

“I never did enjoy mirrors either,” Luna commented, joining me in attempting to find the path through the maze.

The maze that ended up being a straight line. There were no side paths. Did they even try? Jesus, this is pathetic.

When we got through, a smiling stallion was standing there at the end. “So what did you think, Princess?” he asked.

“Your ‘house of horrors’ was more of a house of mild annoyances,” she replied. “It was most disappointing.”

The guy’s smile very quickly disappeared. “Really? Everypony else ran screaming!”

“Everypony else is not an ancient princess,” she replied. “Come, Navarone. Let us depart.”

“I have a more fun idea,” I said, a plan forming in my mind. “Are you looking for tips to make this place scarier?” I asked the stallion.

“Well, if it didn’t manage to make either of you scream… Yes,” he said. “We would happily take any advice you have. And if you want to help, that would be even better!”

I turned to Luna. “What do you think? Scaring people is a whole lot of fun. And hell, I think we about ran out of things to do anyway. We could spend a few hours here, kicking these guys into shape.”

“Was my goal here not to become more accepted, Nav?” she asked. “I do not know how scaring others would assist in that plan.”

“Sometimes it’s fun to be scared,” I replied with a shrug. “As long as you don’t actually hurt anyone and allow them to win in the end, they’ll definitely remember you for it. And not necessarily in a bad way, either.”

“...Very well. We shall assist you.”

“Wonderful!” the stallion gushed. “Oh, and I’m Filthy Rich, by the way. This is my home. If you two need anything, just let me know.”

“Oh, I already have the perfect plan,” Luna said with a dark grin.

I knew right then that the night just got good.

“Who dares to approach the house of horrors?” I darkly intoned, lifting the scythe up slightly and slamming it on the ground with a dull thump. Luna changed my appearance in a few key ways, adding glowing red orbs to the skull sockets that only other people could see, completely remaking my scythe into something that Death would actually carry to ceremonially kill people, and adding an overlay of some kind of bony substance on my gloves.

Of the four ponies before me, I only recognized two: Flitter and Cloudchaser. I didn’t know the stallions with them. “We do,” the stallion said, obviously trying to be a tough guy for the mares.

“Ye are all of age. Do ye all truly wish to enter?” I asked.

“Of course!” the other stallion said, smiling.

I slammed the staff down again and the door opened behind me. “I am Charon and will guide your way this night. Come.” I began slowly shuffling into the house, giving them plenty of time to follow me. “There are many things in life of which to be afraid,” I calmly said, waiting until they were all inside before turning. “Tell me, what do you expect to find in this house?”

“Nothing much,” the first stallion said. The two mares both rolled their eyes at his shitty bravado.

“Then we shall see how you manage.” When I said that, the doors slammed shut behind them, locking instantly. “Come. Dark things lurk in these halls and it would not do to stand still for them.”

“Hmph. Spooky,” the other guy mocked as they all started following me into the dark building, mist licking at their hooves but seeming to completely avoid me.

As we walked further in, a faint sound of laughter slowly became apparent. It wasn’t normal laughter, either happy or dark. It was an insane laugh, something summoned forth from a broken mind. The girls seemed to be somewhat worried by it and the stallions lost a little bit of their bravado, but one of them quipped, “Somepony telling a bad joke up there?”

“There are many ways for a pony to succumb to fear,” I said. “One is to lose himself in it, to find everything funny. His mind grows so blank with horror that it cracks, making everything he sees into some kind of sick, sick joke…” A shadow flickered to our left and we could hear someone running very, very close. “...And as every good clown knows, his goal in life is to share jokes.”

The same guy from before jumped out from the right, but this time his costume and design were completely different. Luna did something to his eyes, turning them from a rich orange to a sickly glowing yellow. The smile he had painted on before now appeared as a frown and the red makeup seemed wet, as though he had been eating flesh and drinking blood. The outfit he wore was in complete tatters and smeared with unidentifiable substances.

Each one of the ponies behind me squealed when the clown stepped into view. The fellow laughed for a few seconds before immediately stopping and gazing at my charges with wide, wide eyes. “How does one get a stallion down from a tree?” he asked in a voice that didn’t match his lips. There was ten seconds of silence before he snarled, “ANSWER ME!”

“H-How?” one of the mares whimpered.

The clowned grinned, showing chipped and broken teeth, each blackened slightly. Then he held up a noose. “You cut the rope!” Suddenly, another rope dropped down from the ceiling, landing on one of the stallions I was supposed to be guarding. All four of them screamed and huddled together until my scythe reached out and cut the rope hanging from the ceiling.

“Run,” I whispered. They needed no further compelling, each galloping forward as quickly as they could go. I followed at a more sedate pace, the butt of my scythe tapping on the ground dully with each step.

I caught up with them at the next door, which they couldn’t open without me. “Hey uh… I think we saw enough,” one of the stallions quickly said. “This place is kinda lame and—”

“There is no leaving,” I said, stepping past their group. “You go until you reach the end. That is the way of life and what is life without fear?”

“That’s not cool at all!”

Instead of answering, I tapped my staff on the floor twice, opening the next door. “Then I suggest you conquer your fears quickly. Worse things remain ahead.” I had a feeling they all shared very uneasy looks before falling in behind me. “Death and decay come for all eventually,” I said, peering into a bowl of spaghetti that Luna animated to look like worms. “We rot and they play…” One of my hands reached out and caressed the top of the bowl before continuing on.

None of the ponies commented.

“When it does come for you…” I started looking at a bowl of eyes. “...will you accept it? Or will you linger on, bringing fear and pain unto those you refuse to leave behind?”

A ghost fell from the ceiling, considerably better animated than before. It actually appeared to be on fire, though a deep chill rather than heat came from the blue flames on it. Once more, all the ponies squealed, trying to get around it. But the ghost didn’t appear to like that and it snatched Flitter up, slowly dragging her into one of the dark corners. She burst into tears, using her hooves to claw uselessly at the floor. The others just scrambled to the other door, beating on it with their hooves.

I calmly used my scythe to bisect the ghost, dispelling it and ‘saving’ Flitter. “The dead must always move on,” I said, helping her shaking form stand. “As must the living.”

“T-thank you,” she whispered, huddling against me.

“Charon guides all,” I answered, ignoring her thanks and leading her up to the group. “Conquer your fears, ponies. Once more, worse things lie ahead.”

“I don’t wanna go on!” Cloudchaser said.

“The only way out is forward,” I answered, tapping my staff twice more, opening door number three. “Come.” I once more started walking, leading them into the brighter room that looked like something out of a Tim Burton version of Jungle Book. Evil spiders danced about in the vegetation above us, Luna’s animation spell bringing the flimsy stuffed spiders to life in the most horrifying of ways. Each pony eyed them with unrestrained fear.

While spiders owned the top, large snakes ruled the bottom, slithering through the undergrowth and around the legs of each pony. Once more, each of them seemed to avoid me, going out of their way to not touch me.

“While some fear the dead, others fear the living,” I said. “Spiders that climb, snakes that slither…” We suddenly heard several branches snapping to our right. “...and other creatures that are even larger. After all, there is no greater fear than the monster that lies inside, waiting to be released.”

The ‘zebra’ from before jumped out behind the group, war paint covering his face and large piercings in each of his ears. He had a collection of dried scalps and ears hanging from his neck and a crazed look in his eyes. “Chew the flesh, mash the bones!” he howled, charging us. The ponies screamed again and took off running deeper into the jungle, toward the next door.

I wrapped my hand around the zebra’s neck and used the leverage and his momentum to sling myself around his neck, essentially riding him as he chased the ponies to the door. When we finally caught up to where they were all groveling and pawing at the door in horror, I used the scythe to slit the zebra’s throat, relying on the enchantments Luna said she was using to not hurt the poor guy.

The enchants worked, because he slowly ground to a halt before falling right before the group, fake blood leaking from his neck. All four of the ponies were crying now.

“The living only give you fear if you do not resist them,” I said, calmly walking to the group and through them, not sparing any of them a glance.

“I wanna go home!” one of the stallions wailed.

“Then find your courage,” I said, tapping my staff twice more, opening the next door. They reluctantly followed, none of them wanting anything more to do with this place. If I hadn’t saved them from every monster they’d run into, they probably would have all abandoned me just to run to the next door. As it was, they huddled as close to me as they could get. “Some fear pain,” I simply said, turning my head to the left.

A light suddenly turned on, revealing a dentist ripping a tooth out of a mare’s mouth as she cried and writhed in her bonds, groaning in pain and horror. Both of her hindlegs were nailed into the upwards stretcher she was on and her eyes pleaded with us to help her.

The ponies with me froze, their eyes stuck on her. However, the dentist followed her pleading gaze and saw us. We could see his mouth move under the mask he wore in what might have been a rictus grin. “New customers,” he growled, his horn lighting up. This time it was Cloudchaser that was grabbed and he dragged her struggling form to another stretcher, forcing the straps around her. “I’m thinking… eye surgery,” he said, lifting his drill up and turning it on.

I don’t need to add, of course, that Cloudchaser was screaming the whole time and so were her friends. As the dentist leaned in to start his dark work, I rushed in, kicking the drill from his hoof and using the butt of the scythe to push him back. As he tried to recover, I cut Cloudchaser’s bindings loose, allowing her to bolt away without a backwards glance. The other three were already gone, leaving us all behind.

“Be more careful next time,” the stallion muttered, rubbing at where I hit him.

“Some ponies fear pain,” I happily said, walking away. When I joined the four this time, they were all huddling, holding each other. “Pain is impermanent. Life goes on and pain can be forgotten.”

“I won’t go anymore!” Cloudchaser yelled. “I won’t! I—” The sound of a drill and more screams cut her off.

I tapped my staff twice more, allowing them to sprint into the next room. “Sometimes, we all need a break from things,” I said, my voice making a table partially light up. “Refresh. Calm down. Do not wander.”

The four of them slowly approached the table. On it were strings of tofu sausages, cups of strawberry juice, a few tofu meatballs, a tub of very dark jelly, and a few other yummy looking things. After several seconds of hesitation, they began to partake.

I allowed them five minutes respite before saying, “It is time for us to move on.” As I said that, the rest of the table lit up, revealing a carved up Derpy, who appeared to be missing her intestines, eyes, blood, brain, and several other organs.

All four of them flipped their shit when they realized what they just ate.

When they finally recovered enough to go on—which took a good while, mind—I said, “There are three more fears you must all yet face.” I tapped my staff on the ground twice, opening the next door. “The next… is the fear of yourselves.” I walked into the room of mirrors, allowing them to follow me.

The first thing they noticed is that my reflection didn’t appear in any of the mirrors. The second thing they realized is that neither did theirs. Or at least, not their own reflections. No, what confronted them were several reflections. Some were them at old ages. Some were them after a few months of being dead. Some were normal. And there were some that didn’t match any of what I said.

After about the fifth mirror, each had their eyes glued to my back, trying their hardest not to look to the side. Every time one did so, I heard a soft whimper or groan behind me. “There are many things to be afraid of. But you will always be yourself. Why fear it? Revel in what you are and fear not what you will become. By the time you become it, the skin will fit you so well it’ll be like you never changed at all.”

That room was probably the second most disturbing room for all of them, since it showed a very real concern that each had. And of course, I loved every minute of it.

When we got to the next door, I stopped. “The going will become tough from here,” I said.

“It was already impossible!” one of the stallions yelled. “Without you, we’d be dead!”

“You’re the only reason we’re still here,” Flitter said. “If even you think it’ll be tough…” The other two just whimpered as I tapped my staff twice.

The door slowly opened, revealing an entirely empty room. I walked in, the four of them reluctantly following me. “The next fear you must face is simple but dark,” I said. “It is all-consuming and can devour even the stoutest of souls. It is the fear of…” All the lights went out in the room and they all jumped and whimpered in fear. “...abandonment,” I whispered, the sound echoing softly through the room.

When the lights popped back on, I was no longer in the room with them, or at least not that they saw. Luna had a spell of invisibility that she used on me, allowing me to watch and step in if needed.

They all freaked the fuck out when they realized I wasn’t there anymore, especially after what they had said before about how they only made it with my help. After a minute or two of panicking, one of the stallions took a deep breath and got his shit together. “We have to keep moving!” he called, trying to get order over his little group. “Charon said there was only one more fear left. We have to get past it!”

“But only he could open the doors!” Flitter yelled.

“No, only he did open the doors. All he did was tap his staff twice!” the stallion said, walking over to the next door. He tapped his hoof on the floor twice, making the door open. “See? We have to keep going.”

“But… what if we run into something?” Cloudchaser asked. “We only made it because he saved us!”

“We’ll protect you,” the other stallion said, grinning.

The two mares gulped, but walked to the door. The first stallion led the way, them behind him, and the other stallion behind them. I followed before the door could slide shut. They were now in what they thought was the final room.

“This… doesn’t seem so bad,” Flitter whispered, looking around.

She spoke too soon. When the last word came from her mouth, a dark blue misty form shot out of the final door, slowly coalescing into Nightmare Moon. “Dost thou truly think ye can escape?!” she yelled with her ‘Royal Canterlot Voice.’ “WE SHALL NOT ALLOW IT!”

Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay to see the result of that final battle, as I had to get back in place. I quietly rushed past the group and into the next door and then used my staff to seal it back, walking to the center of the room. I faced away from the door as the invisibility spell faded, just waiting.

Soon enough, it opened and the four ponies entered, panting for breath. It slid shut behind them, cutting off dark cackling. “We… we made it!” one of the stallions said.

“Charon!” Flitter called. “Why’d you leave us?!”

“I lied to you,” I slowly said, not turning. “Twice. First, my name is not Charon. And second, there is one more fear you yet have to face.”

“Well, we already beat Nightmare Moon!” the leader stallion cockily said. “What else can this place throw at us?”

I didn’t answer until the four of them got close enough to me. Then I slammed the butt of my staff down again, making them stop. I slowly started to turn, reaching up to pull back my hood. “My name is Death,” I said, revealing the skull that Luna had carved dozens of horrifying symbols upon. “Your final fear is betrayal!” I shouted, lifting my scythe up and bringing it down, just barely missing the leading stallion.

They all jumped back in horror, their beloved protector and guide turning on them.

“Stand still and let me drag you to Tartarus!” I hissed, swiping at one of the mares. She squealed and used her wings to fly over me, running to the wall where a door should have been. The others crowded around that wall, all trying to tap a door open as I stalked forward, my red eyes glowing brighter and brighter. “Submit to your fate!” With one last swipe, I dragged the scythe through the air all of them previously occupied as a trap door under them opened, sending their screaming forms down to the final room, where Filthy Rich waited to congratulate them.

...At the end of the night, he told me that not a single pony stayed in that room long enough to talk to him. They all bolted from the house, screaming, as soon as they could.

“‘Twas a most glorious night, Navarone!” Luna announced, pulling me into her in a very unexpected hug. “Fun was had continuously!”

“I’m happy to hear that,” I replied, hugging her back. “That haunted house was a lot of fun.”

“As were the rest of the games,” she said. “And I have many new… gifts… to add to my possessions. My sister will be quite happy with me, I believe.”

“That’s good. I know I definitely had a blast. You ever want to hang out again, just come find me.”

“I shall take you up on that offer,” she said with a nod. “Now, I must return home. I am needed ere the dawn breaks. I will see you again, Nav.”

“Have a good ni—er, day, Luna,” I said with a nod as she spread her wings and took off into the night.

As I walked back to Twilight’s house, the purple mare finally found me. “There you are! I’ve been looking for you and Princess Luna all night! Where have you two been?”

“Haunted house,” I answered with a shrug. “Luna and I helped Filthy Rich retrofit the place to make it actually scary. It was a lot of fun.”

“So that’s what those ponies were talking about…” she said, looking away for a moment. “So where did Princess Luna go?” she asked, looking back to me.

“She went back to Canterlot. She told me that she had a lot of fun but had to get back before dawn. Now, I’m fucking tired.”

“Oh, me too. You can tell me later how the night went, I suppose. But I want to hear all about it!”

“Of course, Twilight. Of course…”

Chapter Five—Twilight’s challenge

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FH2PBK6Ze5a8H0RBFi80FLABcqdaPWrFCTu4tSnCCQ0/edit

I think everyone that ended up going to the haunted house Luna and I set up stayed inside their houses for quite a while after they escaped. Given how badly we scared most of them, I felt bad for whoever had to wash their sheets.

Thankfully, no one that I was really close with went through that hellish gauntlet, so no one knew who their beloved traitor was. Since everyone working at the house was in a disguise of some sort, I think all of us escaped any manner of reprisal.

Not that I think the ponies would actually do something like that, mind. All of them seemed rather docile in the haunted house and getting revenge doesn’t seem a very pony-like thing to do. Most of them seem too peaceful to do something like that.

Anyway, a few days after that, Twilight called on me for a favor. “I have been… called out,” she said distastefully. “A unicorn magician that came into town a few months before you arrived got a poor showing here, and I showed her up rather badly on accident. She quickly left town and has apparently spent the last several months learning new spells in order to take me on in a magical contest.”

“So?” I asked. “Slap the bitch around a few times. It’ll be fun.”

She frowned in distaste. “That’s the… basic idea, but with less violence. I just want you to help me trounce her worse than she ever has been, enough to make sure she leaves me alone after this.”

“Psh. Boring. But whatever. I don’t know why you need me, though.”

“The rules of her little contest specify that we can only use things that we have magicked or enchanted,” she explained. “The easy loophole in there means that I can use you, since I summoned you here.”

“And you really think she doesn’t know I’m here, or that you’ll try to use me? If I was going to challenge someone that beat me before, I’d make sure to know all their tricks. Do some research and spying, you know?”

“She might, but what can she really do to counter you? Included in her contest rules is that no pony is to be hurt.”

“Yeah, there’s your problem right there,” I said with a nod. “No pony is to be hurt.”

“I’m sure even Trixie isn’t mean enough to hurt another sentient being on purpose.”

“I hope you’re right. It’s my life on the line here.” And maybe yours, if Luna finds out you got one of her friends killed.

“Of course, I won’t let you go into it without every protection I can give you. I also won’t let you go into it looking like… that.”

“What’s wrong with the way I look?” I asked. My beard was getting ragged as fuck and my hair was really starting to become a bit like a jewfro. My hair, you see, is really, really curly and when it grows long it grows out, not down. I’m not much a fan of how I looked at the moment, personally, but I don’t see why it mattered for Twilight.

She pointed to a body length mirror that was conveniently located in the main room of the library and said, “Look there and you’ll see the problem.” Ouch. “And as much as I don’t want to sound like Rarity, I don’t really know if I want you going while wearing your normal clothing. I don’t suppose you had Rarity make you anything fancy?”

“Not aside from my Halloween costume, no.”

“It’s Nightmare Night, Nav. And I suppose there isn’t really time to worry about dressing you nicely. This time. But after this, we really need to get a nice suit commissioned for you on the off chance that you ever have to meet Princess Celestia.”

“Ugh. I hate fancy clothing. Can’t I just lie and tell her this stuff is considered fancy for humans? I’m sure she’d buy it.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” Twilight answered. “But we can deal with it later.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes before asking, “So what do you propose to do about the rest of my… problematic appearance?”

“We do have a barber here and I suppose he can figure out how to cut that ragged thing on your face off. Your mane, I’ll leave up to you. Either get it straightened or shortened, I suppose. If those are common styles for humans, at least.” Not even married yet and I’m already being told how to dress.

“Mane? That’s called hair. But whatever. I’ll probably just have it straightened. The beard… Well, it does get hot. Since you asked so kindly, I can change myself up a little.” I didn’t tell her that we called pulling your hair back like that a ponytail, because she’d probably give me one of those looks and tell me to stop being stupid.

So she took me to the barber. I shit you not, the entire shop was set up like you’d expect in a show coming out of the 1950’s. Even the barber looked like he belonged in one of those shows, being black and white himself. It was… disconcerting.

“Oh hello, Ms. Twilight. How can I help you today?” the fellow asked.

“Hello, Mr. Thompson. Navarone here needs a shave. And if you can, he also needs his… hair… straightened.”

“I don’t know about dealing with hair, but if you mean that mop on the top of his head, I can straighten it out right quick. Getting rid of that stuff on his face might take a bit longer.”

“Like I have a choice in the matter,” I muttered. “Whatever, Mr. Barber-man. Tell me where to sit so we can begin this farce.”

When he pulled out the sheep shears I almost said fuck it. With a pitying look at me, though, he replaced them with a razor. How he was able to hold it with his hooves, though, I don’t know, and I saw him do it. This world, man, it doesn’t make sense sometimes. Anyway, he removed the scraggle from my face and it instantly felt fifteen degrees cooler in the room.

His method for straightening my hair definitely made sure I was awake and it made Twilight giggle: he dunked my head into a sink full of really, really cold water, and then pulled all the hair back and put it into what I call a ponytail and what they apparently call normal.

It was not amusing.

“Well, that was amusing,” Twilight said as we were leaving. The barber was smiling at our backs as we walked away, my hair still dripping.

“If I had known you thought getting dunked in cold water was amusing, I would have found better ways to wake you up in the past,” I coldly answered, not liking the autumn chill on my wet hair.

“I don’t think it would be too amusing if it happened to me, I mean,” she answered with a smile. “But it’s funny when it happens to you.”

“Of course.” Women.

Pinkie Pie just happened to be waltzing by at that moment. And I do mean waltzing: It looked like she was dancing past. Knowing her, I wouldn’t be too surprised if she was. When she saw me she stopped, and exclaimed, “Navi! What happened to your head? It… shrank!” Several nearby ponies turned at her outburst, but seeing it was just Pinkie Pie, they shook their heads and went on.

“Not my name. And Twilight here seems to think we’re married and can dictate how I dress and style myself. I was stupid enough to give in just once and now she’s refusing to ever take no for an answer.”

“Yeah, that does sound about right for Twilight…” Pinkie Pie said. “Give her an inch and suddenly she demands you dispose of everypony in the room and hide their bodies in the pitch black night…” Sometimes I really, really wonder about Pinkie Pie.

“I’m standing right here, you know!” Twilight said, getting annoyed.

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “We were just in the barber shop together, remember?”

“Yeah, Twilight, we’re not blind,” Pinkie Pie added.

Faced by a dual front of immaturity, Twilight just gave up with an, “Ugh.”

Seeing an opportunity to perhaps cause Twilight more embarrassment, I asked, “So, Pinkie, do you waltz? I saw you dancing by and that’s what it looked like to me.”

“YOU KNOW ABOUT WALTZING!” she yelled while grabbing me hurriedly and shaking me for emphasis. “None of the ponies here had ever heard about it before! I can’t believe it took a human to finally find me a partner! Why didn’t you ever mention it before?” Her tirade complete, she stopped shaking me and just looked at me with her large blue eyes, practically daring me to say something contrary.

“Well…” I started. Her eyes suddenly got more intensive and her grip got considerably tighter. “I was never very good at it, and it has been years since I actually did it last.” Her grip was actually starting to hurt now and I was wondering how the hell she was doing that with no fingers. “Uh, Pinkie Pie?”

Just as suddenly, she released me, smiled, stepped back, and said “I’ll reteach you soon!” With that, she bounced off. I immediately found myself fearing for my life and looked at Twilight imploringly.

“Don’t look at me. You did this one to yourself,” she said, starting to walk back to the library. Damn her for being right. I began walking with her.

“So when is this little showdown of yours set to happen?” I asked, trying to get my mind off the horror of Pinkie. “And… where, I guess?”

“The when is three days. We leave tomorrow. The where… Well, let’s just say there’s more than one reason I’m bringing you along. It’s to be in an abandoned castle a day’s walk away. She told me to come alone, but I don’t think you count, since you’re one of the things I magicked into being. I would bring Spike, since I technically magicked him to life as well, but I don’t think he’d be very useful in something like this.”

My mind picked the words ‘abandoned castle’ out instantly. “This sounds exactly like a trap.”

“Yes, it does. But I let all my friends know I’m going and when to expect me back. And, as I said, I’m bringing you with me. Besides, we’re going prepared. I remember you mentioning and describing to me how a weapon in your world worked, something called a crossbow. I had one made, as well as fifty bolts. It’s a small thing, but it should be enough of a surprise against her if she tries to pull anything. Or, more likely, we run into anything on the way. I can’t use it, of course, but you can.”

“Oh, hell yes. I’ve wanted to get my hands on one of those for years! How did you know how to make it, though? And… when did you make it? Didn’t you only hear about this competition thing, like, yesterday?”

“I had it made for you a few days ago because I knew you needed a steady source of… protein. Beans can only get you so much. I understand that your body needs it. This way you can go hunting to find some yourself, because buying it would be both difficult and expensive. You’ll just have to ask Fluttershy where it’s safe to go, or else risk the Everfree.”

“Fucking awesome. You don’t know how tired I am of eating eggs, beans, and cheese.”

“Yes I do. You always complain about it. But making it wasn’t that difficult, once you explained the basic concept. It’s admittedly fairly primitive compared to the ones you described, but I was able to test it enough to know that it fires.”

“If it shoots straight and doesn’t kick like a bull, I don’t care. And I’m really glad to see you finally trust me. I’ll be sure not to use it on someone unless they really deserve it.”

“To you, deserving it might mean them looking at you funny.”

“That’s deserving it, not really deserving it. Big difference.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, and it’s not to be used against Trixie unless she actually starts becoming dangerous.”

“Just take all the fun out of it… Fine.”

When she did show me the crossbow, I found myself somewhat disappointed. It was a pain to crank back and the aim was a bit off. If I had gotten it sooner, I could have learned how to shoot it. As it was, I could only use it to ward off any far away threats and hope they were dead before they got within knife range, and then actually knife them if they weren’t.

Still, with some practice I could probably hunt with it. That definitely counted for something. I would still have to remember how to skin animals and what was safe to eat, but it was better than not having meat at all.

She also pulled out two brown cloaks, one for her and one for me. It was at that point that I started to feel a bit like Van Hellsing. I’m honestly not sure why she wanted us to go cloaked, but this was her show and I was just following the lead.

Rarity couldn’t make me new shoes to replace the ragged and cold ones I had before we left, but promised that a pair would be done by the time we got back. So I just went with what I had and hoped they wouldn’t fall apart across the terrain we had to cover. If I learned anything from my time in Equestria, it’s that the Chinese slaves making our shoes need to be whipped harder so their products don’t suck as bad.

Anyway, the night passed and we left early in the morning. Applebloom saw us walking through the fields and asked if she could get the gang together to see if they could earn their spectator cutie marks, but we gently rebuked her and continued on our way.

I did make a request to stop off at Applejack’s barn to pick something up, just in case. Twilight was curious, but I didn’t offer any information so she dropped it. That something, of course, was some nice and flammable alcohol.

After seeing that there was no lasting effect on Dash, I talked to Applejack and told her that she was free to start making the stuff as long as she kept her operation small and personal. That way I could get a cut and she could use some for whatever she needed. Everybody won.

“So,” I asked a few hours later, “what does a magic competition usually involve?” We hadn’t been traveling that much in silence, since Twilight took pains to show off what she knew by talking about the various things we passed.

“Normally, they don’t happen. And normally I wouldn’t agree to participate in one. But… well, let’s just say that she put forward a good argument as to why I should. But to actually answer your question, on the rare occasions they do happen, a certain number of bouts are staged, and whoever wins the majority of the bouts wins. Basic rules are that anything goes, but she knew I wouldn’t accept that so she added that nothing can be done to harm the other contestant. And since it might be a trap, we’re going to be protected by as many charms as I can cast.”

“That’s comforting, I suppose. What if it’s not actually a trap and you tire yourself out casting protection spells?”

“Protection spells are never a waste. And you haven’t met Trixie. Last I saw, she was barely able to do anything other than impress foals. A few months can’t make somepony completely amazing.”

“Well, that’s comforting. I still say it’s a waste of time. Anyway, what’s the plan?”

“You’re my trump card. She probably won’t know what to make of you, so that’ll hopefully put her off guard. If you can get close enough to her and get on her back, we pretty much have her beaten.”

“So my job in this is to get in a rodeo match. How fun.”

“I knew you’d think so!” It’s hard to tell when they’re ignoring sarcasm or just don’t hear it.

Let me tell you, that was a cold, cold night, sleeping on the ground, outside, without a beard. I was tempted to bury my face in Twilight’s mane and dare her to say anything, but I didn’t figure she would much like that.

The next morning, we continued on our way and finally saw the castle looming on the horizon. We ducked behind a little hill to plan our next move.

“So, trap?” I asked.

“Maybe. I mean, Trixie didn’t really seem like the most well-rounded pony, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s out to get me.”

“Eh. If it is, my money is on the two portcullises dropping as soon as we get inside the gate, trapping us between them. Can you cast an illusion of us and make us invisible? We can go before the illusion and have them follow us in, so that she thinks she has us trapped when in actuality we’re inside the castle.”

“Why don’t we just cast the illusion, see if what you say is true, and then leave if it is?”

“Didn’t you say she had a good reason to get you out here? I figure if we walked this far, we might as well see this through.”

She blushed slightly at the mention of her reason, and that really got me wondering, but I didn’t say anything. She agreed to the plan and we proceeded on our way to the meeting invisibly, followed by two illusionary doppelgangers.

To no one’s surprise, the gates did crash down with our fakes caught between them. We heard laughter from one of the halls and decided to watch and see rather than investigate. After all, maybe she was just pulling a prank?

The blue mare didn’t take long to reveal herself, dressed in a ridiculous starred pointy hat and a purple cape, and started on a long and dreadfully boring monologue about how Twilight Sparkle had ruined this and that. All of it was in third person, which was really fucking annoying. Trixie didn’t look too surprised to see an illusion of me standing next to Twilight.

She ended her tirade with, “And so Trixie brought you here to show you up, once and for all! What do you have to say to that, Twilight Sparkle?”

“You’re doing a poor job of it so far,” Twilight answered from next to me, dispelling both the illusion and the invisibility field.

Trixie jumped in surprise and let out a startled noise when she saw us, but recomposed herself quickly. “Well well well. It seems you do have some tricks up your sleeve. But Trixie will show you all the Trix of the Trade!”

Twilight and I just stared at her in silence for a few seconds before I face-palmed. “Did you really just say that?” I sighed.

“What?” Twilight said. “I don’t—Ooooh. That’s… awful. Did you just come up with that now? You couldn’t have prepared it.”

Now the mare was blushing in either anger or embarrassment, not sure which. “Trixie shouldn’t expect two simpletons like you to understand excellent wordplay when they hear it!”

“Ugh. Silly pony. Tricks are for kids!” I blankly said, faking any kind of enthusiasm. “Twilight, why don’t you show her some real magic, eh?” That statement had a bit more life in it. There’s just no reason to encourage awful puns, especially not in Ponyland.

Trixie snorted and broke in before Twilight could respond. “Allowing your familiar to speak to you like that?” she said. “Just what Trixie expected from somepony like you. Trixie has a bit more control over hers.”

“...You summoned a familiar?” Twilight asked, a tinge of horror in her voice.

That didn’t sound good to me. “The fuck is a—holy shit!”

As I started speaking, Trixie’s horn lit up and in a flash of light, some… thing appeared. It had the base body of a wolf, but it was so much of a chimera that it was hard to tell what else it had. There were random tufts of fur all over its body, making the thing look like it had a constant case of a bad hair day. Its front two legs were bird-like talons and its back two were lion’s legs, ending in paws. The tail was long and narrow, though knotted in random places. And as it stared at me with fiery eyes, an extremely long and thin tongue slithered out of its dog-like face to taste the air.

“You summoned an alphyn?” Twilight squeaked, staring at it in shock.

“Of course! Nothing but the best for Trixie, unlike your flimsy ape thing,” she mocked.

“Hey, at least I’m not as ugly as that thing,” I shot back.

The alphyn snarled and surged forward, but Trixie hissed, making it slink back, glaring at me. Twilight sighed and said, “I should mention, Nav, that alphyns are sapient and can talk.”

“Trixie just isn’t going to let her familiar control her, unlike you,” Trixie stated smugly.

“At least I’m not stupid enough to summon a familiar!” Twilight shot back.

“To be fair,” I broke in, “you were stupid enough to summon me instead.”

Twilight glared at me while Trixie laughed. “Not even your pet is on your side! This competition truly will be easy.”

“And I’m not a pet, either,” I said.

“Well, legally—” Twilight started before being cut off by the blue cunt.

“Enough talk! Trixie didn’t spend months preparing to listen to you two quabble.”

“It’s not quabbling,” I said. “It’s arguing. Get it right.”

“Trixie is going to enjoy watching her familiar beat you,” Trixie growled.

“Which would be against the rules,” Twilight said. “Nopony is to be hurt.”

“No pony is to be hurt,” Trixie said with a smirk.

“See! That’s exactly what I said!”

Twilight rolled her eyes and said, “Either amend it or we’re leaving. I’m not going to let Nav get hurt.”

“Oh? Is your precious pet more important than the possible prize?”

“I don’t want any of my friends to get hurt. If that means I lose out, I lose out.”

“Tch. Fine. Hear that, Phinny?” she said to the ugly thing standing next to her. “Be gentle.” The thing glared at her with all the hate it could possibly pool into its heart before turning that hatred back to me. “Now can we finally start?”

“Yes, yes. What manner of competition did you have in mind?” Twilight asked. “There are several types and—”

“Each of us brought a pet along, so we can have a few fun little bouts,” Trixie said with an unnerving smile. “But they can have their fun after we have ours.” See, that makes it sound perverted.

“So, what, we compete?” Twilight asked. “What are we doing?”

“A magic competition, of course!” Trixie said, glaring at Twilight. “The last pony standing wins.”

“See, that makes it sound like someone’s gonna get hurt,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Silence, ape!” Trixie shot back. “Your betters are speaking.”

“On second thought, I agree with her rules,” I said. “Kick her fucking ass, Twilight.”

“As much as I dislike violence, I’m starting to agree. Very well, Trixie. So where are we doing this?”

“Trixie and her familiar have cleared this courtyard to use it for these bouts, so that is where we shall compete. And of course, you and Trixie will go first! You two, wait against the wall!” Trixie’s horn lit up, shoving me and the wolf thing toward the wall. I took the hint and shrugged, walking that way. The alphyn seemed more reluctant to go, but followed anyway.

“So how’s this gonna work?” Twilight asked as we walked away.

I didn’t pay attention to Trixie’s answer because, truth be told, I was tired of that blueberry cunt. “So is Phinny your real name?” I asked the alphyn.

“It is not,” it—he, it sounded like—growled. “And if you say it again, I will disembowel you where you stand.”

“...Alright. So what is your name, then?”

“My kind do not use names,” he contemptuously answered.

“That’s gotta get confusing. How do you know who’s talking to who?”

“We rarely talk.” Twilight and Trixie were squaring off at this point, each walking to one side of the ‘arena’.

“Bet that makes it easier… You know, I get the feeling that you don’t want to be here.”

“I don’t.” Twilight’s horn lit up and a small shield expanded around her.

“Why not leave, then? Or rip that cunt’s throat out?” Trixie smirked at Twilight’s shield and her horn lit up as well. Stormclouds appeared out of nowhere.

“If only. A deal was made with my kind long ago. I follow the tenets of that deal.” Twilight seemed to be holding on the defensive, not making any more moves past the shield conjuring. The stormclouds covered the sky above the arena.

“So you guys work as familiars? What do you get out of it?” Twilight finally seemed to be tired of waiting. Her horn lit up again and a beam of purple light shot out at Trixie.

“We get what we can take.” Lightning struck Twilight’s shield before the beam could hit Trixie, surprising both me and Twilight. The beam of light she was casting dispelled in her shock before it could hit Trixie. The alphyn didn’t react and Trixie began to laugh as more bolts rained down.

“W-what you can take?” I said, trying not to let my shock show. “What does that mean?” Twilight seemed to recover from the initial surprise and shrunk her shield so it covered less area. Then she teleported, leaving the shield in place.

“The deal is that if the spellcaster makes a mistake, we take advantage of it.” Trixie began looking frantically around the arena for Twilight before her horn stopped glowing, allowing the lightning to cease. She began to slowly walk towards the shield, casting her eyes around.

“What can you do with that advantage? Steal things? Hurt others?” Trixie was slowly approaching the shield, starting to look angry. She yelled something that I couldn’t hear over the rumblings in the sky.

“Whatever we can. There are many choices when it comes to mistakes a caster can make.” Trixie finally made it to the shield and lightly kicked it with one of her legs. As soon as she touched it, her eyes went wide and she was pulled inside of it.

“Do you guys kill, or just torment? Seems like a bad idea to do something too bad, if you want people to keep summoning you.” Twilight reappeared just outside of the bubble, smiling in at Trixie. Trixie’s horn lit up and the purple shield changed to blue. Twilight frowned.

“We do not kill. We take.” The newly blue bubble exploded outward, cracking the walls behind it and throwing Twilight halfway across the courtyard before something pulled her out of the air. Trixie’s horn was still in its nightlight form and the rope that snatched Twilight had the same aura around it. Interesting.

“Hm. Take? Like, spellbooks or something?” The rope that grabbed Twilight split in two, wrapping around her front and back legs. She recovered while it was tying her.

“No. We take casters. If possible, of course. If not them, whatever we can.” Twilight’s horn lit up and the ropes dissolved away from her, but something new entered the fray.

“Why? What do you do with them?” What looked like a doorframe flew across the courtyard, surrounded by Trixie’s aura. Twilight saw it coming and her horn lit up as well.

“Enslave them. Magic is useful.” The frame stopped right in front of Twilight, half held in a blue aura and half held in a purple aura. I was too busy watching it to see what Trixie was doing.

“How do you keep them enslaved? Can’t they just escape? Or do damage?” A blue hoof suddenly shot out of the door, slapping Twilight across the face. When I looked back over to Trixie, she had one of her legs shoved through her hat, flailing it around.

“When we pull them with us, they are bound as we were to follow every command given. We do not make the same mistakes they do.” When Twilight realized what happened, she leaned back and her horn lit even brighter, wrapping around Trixie’s hoof. The blue mare had a moment to look surprised before she was ripped through her hat and out of the door.

“So they have to do whatever you tell them?” Twilight grinned and tried to return the slap to Trixie’s face, but Trixie grabbed Twilight’s hoof and used that to pull her in for a very painful looking headbutt.

“Yes.” You ever see two unicorns butt heads? I couldn’t believe it happened without anyone getting gored. Twilight went down hard and Trixie fell back, heavily dazed.

“And you want to do that to Trixie?” It took her a good moment to recover, but Trixie finally shook herself and smiled victoriously, Twilight still not moving.

“More than anything,” he growled.

“Looks like round one is over,” I said. He didn’t reply.

Trixie’s horn lit up and wrapped around Twilight and she began to drag her over our way. “See that, ape? Trixie beat your precious unicorn!” With that, she unceremoniously tossed Twilight my way, thankfully not doing any damage to her.

“What, you want a fucking medal?” I answered as I knelt down, checking on her. Breathing fine. In pain and out of it, but she’ll be fine.

“It’s your turn to face Trixie!” she said.

“I hope you have some patience then, because I ain’t going nowhere without making sure Twilight’s okay.”

“Psh. She’s breathing. That means she’ll be fine.”

I carefully rolled Twilight onto her back, lightly tapping against her face. “You in there?” I quietly said, looking down at her.

It took her a few seconds to open a set of confused eyes. “What… hap—Ooh, my head…” One of her hooves lifted up to feel the area where Trixie slapped her shit.

“Trixie beat you!” the blueberry bitch happily called, making Twilight wince from the noise.

I reached down to Twilight’s belly and began gently rubbing it, since I know most ponies like it when I do that for some reason. “Relax, Twilight. She’s just a lot more hard-headed than you. Of course her headbutt did more damage.”

“Twilight just isn’t as good as Trixie,” the mare haughtily said.

“If you don’t stop being a bitch, I will reach across this unicorn and slap a ho,” I said.

“Trixie is no dog, ape! Trixie will have you know—” Before she could react, I leaned over Twilight and pimp slapped Trixie across the face. She was too shocked to even react.

“You said it was our turn next, right?” I asked, standing up and rolling my shoulders. “Let’s fucking go.”

“Trixie will make you pay for that!”

“Make my day,” I replied, walking past her.

“Having the chance to lose to Trixie should make your whole life, ape!” she replied strutting off to her side of the arena.

As I faced her down from the other side, I realized I had no idea how I was going to fight someone with fucking magic. Maybe shoulda thought about that before I pissed her off. Heh, oops.

While I was waiting for her to give the signal to start, I went ahead and loaded up the crossbow, not that I honestly expected it to do me much good, especially since Twilight didn’t seem to realize the difference between broadhead bolts and practice bolts. Though to be fair, I didn’t really want to kill Trixie. But I wouldn’t complain if I put an extra breathing hole in her. After all, ‘if she’s still breathing, she’ll be okay’.

Fucking bitch.

“Trixie trusts that you are ready?” she called across the field.

“Bring it!” I called back.

“Trixie shall go easy on you. It isn’t your fault you were born to be so inferior, after all.” I ignored that and did a quick scan of the arena ground. Aside from the open door frame and a few bounds of rope lying around in various places, it was empty of any manner of advantages.

The frame gave me a few interesting ideas. If it was still connected to Trixie’s hat, all I had to do was get to it and I had a straight gate to her head. And then… I smiled, thinking of my lighter and some alcohol.

She seemed content to watch me slowly amble forward, since I wasn’t really making any sudden movements or giving any indication that I was thinking about heading toward the door. Her horn didn’t bother lighting up, since she thought I would be an easy target.

It didn’t take her long to get bored, though. Finally, Trixie’s magic snatched one of the loops of rope and it started shooting toward me. I quickly slung the crossbow and pulled out my knife, suddenly thankful of all the time I spent dealing with rope on a farm. She tried wrapping it around my off arm, but I was able to pull back enough to use the serrations to tear through the relatively flimsy rope.

With it shortened, she tried going after the arm that had the knife, thinking it an easier target. She was wrong. I grabbed it with my offhand and reversed my grip on the knife, cutting through the rope even as she tried to wrap the remnants around both of my arms to cinch them in place.

The rope was now about half its original size, too short to be of use. She just tried to entangle it around my legs, but I stomped it flat and marched on, leaving it in the dust of the eroded courtyard.

“So you’re smarter than Trixie thought!” she said with a small grin. “Maybe this actually will be interesting.”

And maybe your daddy didn’t molest you, but I’m starting to think he should have. I began to change my angle as I went, subtly heading toward the door. The crossbow was still sheathed and my knife was out, ready for more rope. She didn’t disappoint in that department, sending three of them at me at once. Thank God I’m not a Japanese schoolgirl!

When I saw them coming for me, I began running. “Ooh, Trixie loves it when they run! But Trixie will drag you back and make you forget all about your precious Twilight Sparkle!”

Oh God, what?! That thought was punctuated by one of the ropes latching around one of my legs. I dragged it with me for a few steps before it jerked back, knocking me down to the dirt. When I hit, I instantly dropped the knife, sending it skittering away from me. And it sounded and felt like the crossbow shot itself.

When a few seconds passed and I didn’t get trussed up for her sick BDSM fantasies, I hesitantly looked up. Trixie’s mouth was gaping and one of her hooves was pressing against her ear. When she brought it back down, I saw that there was some blood and a hole in her ear, presumably from the crossbow bolt.

As she screamed in rage, I jumped back to my feet, wincing at the pain in my skinned hands and legs. The rumblings in the clouds started up again and I knew I had a very short amount of time before lightning started falling to vaporize me. Thankfully, I landed very close to the door.

Here’s hoping this pays off. I quickly dug through my pockets, pulling out the bottle of booze and my lighter. Since both hands were full, I just bit the cork and ripped it out, spitting it to the side. That done, I shook the bottle toward the open door, hoping my gamble paid off.

When I heard Trixie’s squawk of surprise and didn’t see any fall on the ground, I knew I had this in the bag. I turned to her with a grin, flipping open my trusty zippo. “You know, I did think your voice was hot.” That said, I cranked the wheel, lighting it up. “Let’s make the same true for the rest of you.” And then I thrust the lighter through the portal.

Nothing happened for a moment and Trixie just stared at me in confusion. Then smoke began coming out from under her hat. It didn’t take her long at that point to realize she was on fucking fire. Then the screaming began. She started flailing around, beating at her hat and trying to get the flames to stop.

I calmly walked up to her as she was doing that. Since she was a little distracted, she didn’t pay me any mind. When I got right in front of her, I punched that bitch straight in the nose, dropping her like my ISP used to do to me all the time. With her out for the count, I simply pulled off her hat and kicked dirt onto her hair until it was out.

Trixie now had a new bald spot on her head where the fur and hair had both been burned off. There was no real permanent damage since most of the fire was from the alcohol and the hat that was now destroyed, but she wasn’t going to be winning any beauty contests for a while. Then I just left her there and walked over to where the knife fell, picking it up and closing it.

Twilight was sitting up and had apparently been watching the affair, so I walked to her next. The alphyn was sitting next to her, saying nothing. “So now what?” I asked.

“Well, the competition isn’t really over,” Twilight said. “Right now it’s a tie and everypony still hasn’t fought.”

“So? Trixie’s out cold,” I said. “I say we loot whatever prize it was she would give you and just leave.”

“That’s stealing!”

“And it’s hidden well,” the alphyn added. “I am unable to tell you where.”

“Wait, you’re still here?” Twilight asked. “Shouldn’t you be helping her?”

“Why? I was given no order.”

“...Oh right, familiar,” Twilight sighed, lying back. “Celestia, my head is killing me!”

“Now you know how the rest of us feel whenever we look at it,” I said, sitting next to her and putting my hand on her belly again.

“That was… really mean,” she sighed as I began rubbing again.

“Mating ritual?” the alphyn asked, sounding bored.

Twilight immediately turned bright red and tried to push my hand away, but she was still fairly weak from getting wrecked. “Nah,” I answered. “Just a way to help her relax.” Try as she might, I didn’t stop. After a few seconds of struggling, she just sighed, falling back.

“We really should be helping Trixie, you know,” Twilight said after a minute or so of silence.

“Why? She smells like burnt hair. No way do I want to go over there.”

“You’re the one that lit her on fire!”

“Well, maybe she shouldn’t have been such a bitch.”

“You keep saying that word,” the alphyn said. “What does it mean to you?”

“It’s a pretty big insult where I come from,” I replied with a shrug. “Not the worst, but effective. If you’d prefer, I can use other words.”

“Insults matter little to me.”

“Besides,” I added, “I only punched Trixie in the face. She should be up again soonish. I’m not exactly the model of strength, especially compared to you damn ponies.” Sure, I had stamina and height over them, but they had strength and weight. Fucking mini-horses, man.

After a few more seconds, Twilight sighed again before sitting up. “As reprehensible as Trixie is, I still can’t let her just lie over there until she wakes up.” After struggling to stand for a few seconds, she shrugged. “But I also don’t have to get up to get her.” With that, her horn lit up and lifted Trixie up.

“You know,” I said, “she dragged you over here.” Trixie stopped moving. “And then tossed you at me.” Trixie hit the ground with a nice thud and the purple aura around her surrounded her tail. Then she started to drag across the ground. “Hey, do you see any patches of glass?” Twilight didn’t respond.

Soon enough, Trixie was lying in front of us instead of well away from us. “How long should we wait before healing her?” Twilight asked.

“...If you can heal, why don’t you just heal yourself?” I asked.

“Because your belly rubs feel really, really good,” she answered, blushing slightly and smiling.

“You know you could ask for one at any time, right?” I said, pulling my hand back. “I know all you ponies are tummy sluts.”

Twilight snorted at that and looked over to Trixie. “Would you ever give her one?”

“Whoa now. I said you guys are sluts, not me. My hands are pure.” She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, shouldn’t you be healing yourself and then her?”

“I suppose…” Her horn lit up and encased her body in an aura before receding back. “Much better.” She was finally able to hop up, though she wobbled on her hooves for a moment, as if dizzy. “She really does have a hard head,” she sighed, walking over to Trixie’s limp form. “But now it’s a hard head with a little less of a mane…” she added with a giggle.

“Oh man, do you have a mirror?” I asked. “We could do one of those really funny reveals where we all try not to say anything before pointing to the mirror. Then she looks and screams.”

“If only… Sadly, there wasn’t exactly space to bring a mirror in our cloaks.” Twilight’s horn lit up again and she touched it to Trixie’s forehead. The aura slowly traversed her body before sucking back into Twilight.

The blue whore on the ground shifted. “Ooh, my head,” she groaned, falling out of third person. “What happened?” she asked, slowly standing up.

“Welcome to the wonderful world of You’re Bald!” I happily called, lifting both arms widely as if to congratulate her.

Her mouth dropped as Twilight tried to fight back the giggles. Eventually she said, “Trixie is WHAT?! Phinny, is Trixie bald?!”

“Partially.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PARTIALLY?!”

“You have a large bald spot now.”

Trixie collapsed right back to the ground, feeling all around her head with her hooves until she found the very noticeable spot missing a lot of hair. “Trixie’s… Trixie’s MANE!” Her sorrow lasted for all of a few seconds before it turned to rage. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, APE!” she yelled, surging back to her feet. “I’LL END YOU!” She pounced at me, but Twilight’s magic stopped her.

“Now now, Trixie, you already had your turn against Nav,” she cheerfully said. “And you lost… fire and square!”

At that point, Trixie couldn’t tell who she should be glaring at. I knew, though. “Twilight, that was almost as bad as her tricks pun earlier. Everyone here is a little bit more humorless for having heard it and you should be ashamed.”

“Worth it,” she replied with a shrug and a smirk.

“Trixie despises you all,” she hissed at us. “Phinny, it is your turn to fight Navarone. Teach him a lesson!”

I took one look at the alphyn that quickly stood to his feet. “Hm. Hey, can you do anything weird other than look cool?”

“I am one of our kind that can breathe fire,” he immediately replied, sending a lick of flame to the ground to prove it.

“You know what, nah,” I said, shaking my head. “You win. I ain’t fighting that shit. I don’t want to be like little miss crispy over here.”

“TRIXIE WILL KILL YOU!” she screamed, struggling to get at me again through Twilight’s continued hold.

“You sure, Nav?” Twilight asked. “I mean, you beat Trixie. Alphyns are strong, but not invincible.”

“Twilight, I am wearing clothing. Clothing is fucking flammable. I don’t want to get lit on fire. I’m here as a favor for you. I’m not getting anything out of this. Because of that, I’m not going to get lit on fire for it. Now that you’re done underestimating our pretty little blueberry here, we can wrap this up quickly by you clonking their heads together and calling it a day. So yeah, I’m not fighting him. He wins.”

Twilight shrugged and said, “Fair enough.”

“WHAT?!” Trixie yelled. “Burn him anyway!”

Twilight teleported Trixie between me and the alphyn, facing her. “That goes against our agreement. And since Navarone is an endangered species, hurting him is a very serious crime. If you’ll recall, I’m the princess’s personal student. All I have to do is send her a quick letter and she’ll be here in a flash. So I suggest you remember that before you start telling your illegal familiar to start throwing around fire.”

“Illegal?” the alphyn asked, tilting his head.

“What do you mean, endangered?” I demanded.

“...P-Princess?” Trixie gasped.

“Oh yeah,” Twilight said to the alphyn. “Regular alphyns are discouraged from being summoned, as anypony that’s ever studied magic knows. But greater alphyns that can breathe fire have been illegal for some time now. They’re way too cunning and dangerous to be risked.”

“This is news,” he replied, sitting on his haunches “Bad news. But it explains much.”

“And yes, Trixie,” Twilight said with a hint of smugness, turning to her. “I am Princess Celestia’s personal student. I assumed you would have known.”

“N-nopony ever said! How was I supposed to know?!”

Twilight shrugged before finally turning to me. “Yes, Navarone. As the only one of your kind, you are endangered. Well, technically extinct since you can’t reproduce, but the point remains. Just a technicality, of course. Though since you’re an invasive species, I think the laws would probably be waived in many cases to count as simple assault rather than attacking an endangered species.”

“Huh. Wonder if I can twist Luna’s arm into getting that invasive species thing taken off.”

“Like a princess would listen to you,” Trixie haughtily mocked, trying to regain her color after learning just who she challenged.

“Luna probably would,” Twilight replied. “Nav’s one of her best friends, after all.” And that got Trixie’s mouth to drop yet again. “But the competition isn’t over, I suppose. The alphyn and I still have to fight.”

“And he’ll win, too!” Trixie asserted vehemently, finding her voice again.

The alphyn just snorted as it started walking to its place in the arena. “Now you two play nice,” Twilight said, setting Trixie down. “The princesses would be quite upset if something were to happen to Nav, Trixie. And I would be upset if something happened to Trixie, Nav.”

“Trixie will tolerate this ape. For now. But she won’t like it!”

“I’ll think about it,” I answered with a shrug. “You have fun, now!”

“Oh, don’t worry,” she said, walking to her spot. “This won’t take long.”

Trixie smirked as Twilight walked off. “Overconfident whorse!” she muttered darkly.

“You know, you really should try being more pleasant.”

“Trixie doesn’t need your advice, ape!” Twilight was still slowly making her way to the spot.

“I bet a hug would make you feel better. Or maybe a nice belly rub?”

“If you touch Trixie, she will remove your filthy paws.”

“Ooh, into the kinky stuff. Maybe you’d like a spanking instead?”

“Trixie will hurt you if you do not stop TALKING!”

“Mm, I bet you’d love being a bottom, too. Shame you’re too ugly with all that hair gone.” When I said that, her teeth started grinding so hard I thought they might break. Twilight finally got across from the alphyn.

“At least this will be over soon,” she forced out through clenched teeth. “Then Trixie will claim you as a prize and teach you proper manners!”

“Like hell you will. There’d be a knife through your spine as soon as you turned your back on me. Or maybe I’d just hold it against your throat and toy with you for a little while, teach you who the real master is.”

She snorted derisively as the alphyn began charging Twilight, who didn’t move. “Trixie underestimated you once. She will not do so again. And she will teach you a lesson, ape!”

“Not like that’ll happen anyway. You’re just pissy because Twilight’s so much better than you are.” The alphyn was getting close. Twilight was just grinning as her horn lit up. “Better and prettier.” Not that I could really tell. They all looked like horses. “Especially since you’re half bald, now. I bet you’ll have to practically beg stallions to service you, though I can’t imagine any would have anyway, with your shitty attitude.”

“THAT’S IT!” She launched herself off the ground toward me, forgetting she could even do magic. I casually stepped aside, slapping her flank as she surged past me. I could faintly see Twilight casting some spell at the alphyn in the background, making him disappear. As soon as he vanished, Trixie collapsed and Twilight began walking back toward us.

“How did she get over there?” Twilight asked, looking at Trixie, who was struggling to stand.

“Eh, she tried pouncing at me. Then you cast the spell and she collapsed.”

“Oh. I just dispelled her familiar. Since a unicorn has to create a form of magical bond when they summon one, it drains the unicorn when the familiar is dispelled or killed.”

“It took… Trixie MONTHS… to summon it!” she groaned, forcing herself up.

“And one spell to dispel it,” I said with a smile. “I guess that makes Twilight your better at yet another thing.”

“Nav, please…” Twilight said, putting a hoof on my arm. I just shrugged as she walked closer to Trixie. “This competition is over, Trixie. It was a tie. You get nothing, I get nothing. Are you happy now?”

“Not until Trixie beats you!” she growled, her eyes narrowing in anger.

“Your familiar is gone,” Twilight said. “And you can’t summon it again for at least a full day. Nav and I aren’t sticking around that long. In fact, we’ll probably be leaving in just a few minutes. If you want to come with us, I’m sure I can find a spell to get your hair back.”

“Trixie doesn’t need your charity! And this competition is not over! Trixie has a tiebreaker planned!”

Twilight sighed, her shoulders and head drooping slightly. “Trixie, please. There’s no need for this. There’s not even anypony here to see it!”

“Trixie will not lose! Not again!”

“You didn’t even lose the first time! I was just saving the town!”

“Prepare yourself, Twilight! Trixie has been practicing this spell for ages!”

Twilight sighed, backing up to me and bringing up a shield. “Go for it,” she replied, bored. Quieter, she muttered, “Not like it’ll matter.”

“Mock Trixie all you want, Sparkle! But Trixie did something you could never do! She made her own spell!”

“You what?! Are you MAD?!” Twilight was either horrified or shocked, I don’t know.

“What’s the big deal?” I asked as Trixie cackled and began charging her horn.

“Experimenting with new magic is dangerous!” Twilight answered, pulling me back. “There’s no telling what it could do! And if somepony like Trixie did it, it might not even be finished!”

“Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?” I said, waving a hand.

I would soon come to regret saying that.

“Spell my name in the skies,” Trixie called out, her voice becoming more of a rumble. “Hear my name in their cries!” I could practically feel the magic in the air, as a whistling wind began to pick up. “Surround my form with all the lights!” Arcane symbols began to appear in the air, tearing out of the immaterium to bring power to this new spell. “As I bring the crowd true delights!” Trixie’s horn was as bright as the sun, but I couldn’t look away. It was as though I was drawn to her… “Show them all I’m the best.” The rustling wind was now roaring. I began to hear whispers in it, dark things speaking a language that sounded familiar but was unrecognizable. “And nothing like all the rest!” And just like that, there was immediate silence, the wind stopping.

“Oh Celestia, she miscounted the syllables!” Twilight screamed.

The last thing I saw was the look of absolute horror on Trixie’s face as she realized what she had done. Then there was an explosion of light and sound and I went down hard.

A note from your friend Discord…

Imagine my surprise when I saw such an explosion of raw chaos caused by such intense ambition. Let me tell you, I was quite surprised. It has been so long since any of the ponies had failed so spectacularly in making their own spell. Though to be fair, it had been quite a while since any of them even tried making spells.

But when I saw how badly this Trixie messed up, and took the time to study just why she did, I decided an… intervention of sorts was in order.

So I showed my true form in the arena, stopping time at the precise moment of the explosion, before it could do too much more to Trixie aside from almost completely obliterating her horn. Since there weren’t many safe havens for me left in the overworld, I took her to a special place that was set up under the Everfree forest, a fastness of chaotic power that Celestia never found.

“Hm… To do this the easy way or the fun way,” I mused aloud, setting the still-frozen Trixie on the floor of the ever-changing cavern. “Well, the deal says no trickery, so I suppose I’ll have to do it the easy way. No disguises this time…” Though scaring her with an alphyn would be fun…

But no matter. I stepped out of the light for a moment, disappearing from view, and snapped my fingers to wake Trixie up. She jerked free, flinching away from the expected pain that never came, though she had to feel that she didn’t have a horn anymore. “W-where is Trixie?” she fearfully asked, looking around. “And… WHY CAN’T TRIXIE DO MAGIC?!” One of her hooves lifted to her head, feeling around for a horn that was no longer there. “Oh Celestia…” she whispered, her eyes going wide.

“I’m afraid you made quite a large mistake, my dear,” I said, not stepping out of the darkness.

“Who’s there?” she demanded. “Trixie orders you to show yourself!”

“Oh, and I would obey, but I fear I would give you quite a fright. Needless to say, it was I who saved you, though I fear that I did so a second too late.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your horn, your magic… They have both left you, Trixie.” She flinched back, closing her eyes. “But I can change that.”

Her eyes both jerked open in wonder. “You can?” she asked, overjoyed. Remembering herself and her haughty attitude, she added, “Do it!”

“Now why should I go and do that? What would I get out of it, after all? And of course, what’s to stop you from making the same mistake again?”

“If you will not help Trixie, she’ll find somepony who will!”

Oh, ‘somepony’. How I despise Celestia for doing that. “Who’s to say I won’t help you? You just have to make it worth my while. And of course, you needn’t worry that I won’t do the same for you. With my offer comes as well the offer of training, to show you how to truly overpower Twilight Sparkle and show her who the master of true magic is.”

“...Trixie is no student!”

“Yes, and Trixie is also a loser, who lost to Twilight twice in a row. What does she have that you do not?”

“Trixie doesn’t need to hear this!”

“Oh, but you do. Twilight has a teacher, Trixie. A pony that knows more about magic than you ever will… without help. And once again, I can be that help you need. For a price.”

She grit her teeth and turned away.

“Or I could return you to your existence of suffering, missing a horn and certain to be arrested for performing illegal magic. Oh, you would have some minute satisfaction from watching Twilight and her human suffering from the effects of your miscast spell, but they will be fixed and you would suffer all the worse for it. Instead, I offer you my assistance. Choose.”

“...Trixie is listening,” she answered without turning around.

In my dark corner, I smiled. “First, introductions are in order,” I said, stepping from the shadows. She turned to face me and gasped in horror at my chimeric form. “I am Discord, Lord of Chaos,” I said with an overly theatrical bow.

“What… what are you?” she whispered, stepping back.

“I am a monster, a villain, and the one that will teach you how to defeat Twilight Sparkle. But first, your horn…” She flinched back as I lifted my talons, but was too afraid to say a word as I brought them to her head.

With but a thought, I restored her pointless horn, though I added a small bit of flair to it. Instead of her normal spiralled horn, chunks of the original hung above her head, as though trapped in a lava lamp shaped like a horn.

“What… what did you do to Trixie’s horn?” she asked, going crosseyed to look at it.

“Just giving you my mark,” I replied with a smile. “It won’t be the only change, though the others will be more gradual. And now we begin your true training, Trixie Lulamoon.”

“...Trixie is ready, Discord,” she slowly answered, not quite sure what to think.

My smile deepened, since I knew that I had won. Oh my, what fun we will have together, you and I. What fun indeed…

Chapter Six—Horsing Around

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nPCUGzNTzclZaE_uVi4Bjl1f1F2bRJeP9A6csin0sqA/edit

I don’t know how long I was out, but I’m pretty sure I was the first one awake.

And I woke up very, very pissed. Why, when Twilight and I were alive and victorious?

I WAS A FUCKING PONY! Oh, I am going to beat somebody to death for this. Or rather, I thought nastily, trample them to death.

I don’t know what the hell Trixie’s spell was supposed to do, but it completely screwed everything up. Twilight, I saw—or at least, what I thought was Twilight—was now a human. A very cute, nerdy, naked human. Somewhat disturbingly, she still had a horn. Her hair was the same color as her mane, which I thought was a nice touch.

All of my clothes were completely destroyed, including my now worthless shoes. My cloak was fine, at least. And somehow I had fucking wings. So I wasn’t turned into a pony, I guess, but rather a pegasus. And I swore that as soon as I got back to civilization and Twilight could get a letter to Celestia or Luna, that would change.

Of Trixie, there was no sign. She was just completely gone. There were a few shards of something on the ground, but that was it.

And when I cast my eyes around again, I noticed something very strange: some of the stone in the castle was on fire. It didn’t seem to be spreading to the ground we were on, so I didn’t think it would be too problematic for us.

I shakily stood on my new legs and tried walking around. It wasn’t that hard, but it was a bit annoying, as I had to concentrate to not try to stand on just two. I also kept misjudging distances, since my eyes were in very different places. Once I got the hang of simple movement, I tried prodding Twilight with one of my hooves. I looked over to where Trixie had been, but decided not to go looking for her without Twilight’s help.

I was about to prod Twilight again, but she suddenly stirred so I stayed my… hoof. When she tried to rub her head, she quickly opened her eyes, shouting in surprise. She leaned up and I swear to God, I tried not to look, but damn were those some nice titties! I remembered that she wasn’t wearing any clothing when she was transformed, aside from the cloak that was now too small for her. When I was able to drag my eyes away from a pleasant sight I hadn’t seen in a good long while, I saw her eyes were purple.

She looked over at me and hesitantly asked, “Navarone?”

“Guilty as charged, sadly,” I answered, slumping my shoulders.

“What… what happened?” I could only shrug to that, because I had no fucking clue. “I… don’t know what Trixie was trying to cast, but it definitely didn’t work. What happened to her?”

“I don’t know. All that’s left is a few shards of… whatever that stuff is.”

“After failing a spell like that, there’s no telling where she could have gone… If she even exists anymore.”

“Think we should look around?” I asked. “I mean, the fucking stone itself is on fire. I’m not sure staying around would be wise.”

“...What?” I nodded toward the wall near us. Twilight slowly turned that way and gasped. “Sweet Celestia! That’s… actually not that implausible. Huh. It’s probably not safe to go inside right now, though. Especially without my magic…”

“You have a horn. You can’t cast anything?”

She shook her head, though she used one of her new hands to feel the pointy thing on her head. “After such a large magical disaster, it’s dangerous to cast any spells around here. It will be for some time, too.”

“So what, we’re stuck like this? How far do we need to go before you can turn us back?”

“I… can’t. I have no idea how to fix this!” At the look on my face, she hastily added, “But Princess Celestia will for sure! If not her, I’m sure Princess Luna will.”

“God, I fucking hope so! I could not live in this shitty body.” My mind was still reeling at my sudden transformation. I felt stronger, for one, and I really felt like I could run a hell of a lot faster. I was a sleek white pegasus with a dark brown mane, fitting my looks as a human, I suppose.

“It’s not that bad! And if it makes you feel any better, you’re definitely quite handsome.”

“It doesn’t. But to return the favor, either you’re really cute or I’ve just been away from other humans for too long.”

“...Thanks, I think.”

“So, what the hell do we do?” I asked, my eyes once more going to her nice and perky nipples.

“Get back to Ponyville and write Princess Celestia a letter, and hope she can fix this. I still have my horn, so I can probably do magic, but I have no idea where to even look to find a spell to fix… this!” She waved her arm over us, encompassing us both. Then she suddenly shivered, realizing how nippy it was out. “Oooh, this is so cold! No wonder you always wear clothes!” With that, she sadly covered herself with my old cloak.

Since we decided to leave, I offered her a hoof to help her stand. She looked at it and grabbed it, pulling herself up to stand on two legs. She was very wobbly and had to hold a hand on my back to steady herself as we walked to my ruined clothes. “Can you go through my pockets and grab everything?” I asked. “I would, but…” I sighed, looking at my hooves. Dammit, those were my only pair of jeans…

She did so, frowning at some of what she pulled out. “Why are you still carrying these gloves?” she asked.

“I worked on a farm for a while. You never know when you might need gloves.” I kept a commentary going as she pulled out more stuff. “That’s a lighter. You saw me use it earlier on Trixie. That’s my knife, used to cut a number of things in its long life. That’s a flask of spirits from Applejack. Be careful with that; we might need it again.”

When I explained that one to her, she looked at me oddly. “Spirits? This is the same stuff you gave Rainbow Dash?” At my nod, she eagerly opened the bottle and, before I could stop her, drained half the remaining stuff before recoiling so badly I thought she was going to drop the bottle. “How on Equestria can you drink that stuff! It’s absolutely disgusting!”

“Because,” I said through a grimace, “by the time you drink as much as you just did, you usually don’t care about taste anymore. Close that thing up and don’t waste any more! God, what came over you?”

“Rainbow Dash told me about the experiment, in exchange for enchanting something for her a while back.” I snorted at that, thinking of the slab Dash used on me in her house. “I always wondered, after that, what some of this stuff would be like. If it’s anything like that, I don’t know how you got Rainbow Dash to drink it!”

“Well, we used better distillation methods when we made it the first time. It tasted a lot better.”

“If you say so. Is there anything else you want from this pile?”

“Grab your old cloak. If we’re going back to town, we’re probably going to want to hide my blank flank.” She nodded, throwing the cloak from the ground onto my back.

“Anything else?” she finally asked.

“Is my belt any good? I’m not about to leave one of my final remaining ties to humanity behind.”

Turns out that somehow it was. I don’t know how it didn’t break like everything else, but Twilight looped it around her cloaked form and cinched it tight.

She gingerly picked up the crossbow and the quiver of remaining bolts. She looked at them oddly before hanging them both over my neck. “I don’t think I could use something like that if I wanted to,” she whispered, then looked at the what was left of Trixie. “Well, I don’t think I could use it anymore.” She shuddered, but a thoughtful look came to her face. She pulled me over toward where the fragments are to look them over. “Hm… alicorn?” she mused aloud, bending down to grab it. “I’ve never been able to do studies on that!” That said and her excitement made clear, she bent down and grabbed the fragments before dropping them into a pocket on the cloak.

“So now what?” I asked as she straightened.

“I would like to search the rest of the castle to see what Trixie left behind, but…” We both looked over to the main entrance to see that the fire was spreading. “...That would be a bad idea. We really should get out of here before it’s too late.”

“Agreed,” I said with a nod, turning to the castle gates.

That presented us with a new problem: the portcullises were still down, lowered by Trixie and never pulled back up. Thankfully, that was fairly easily remedied; the gear to raise them both was right next to the large gatehouse. Since it was made for ponies, I was easily able to turn it until both were fully raised.

As we left, another problem popped up: Twilight had no shoes. She suffered in silence for a minute before she stepped on a thorn in the grass. After that, she was riding on my back. She folded the cloak that I didn’t really need into some manner of blanket or something to cushion some of the pain of riding, but I knew she would still be feeling plenty on the long walk back.

“You know,” I said while plodding along, “this is going to be very awkward to explain to your friends. They’re going to be laughing for quite a while when they see us.”

“At me, maybe. They’ll probably be too busy blushing at you to laugh.”

“Don’t even start. God, I can’t wait to turn back.”

“Who knows? Maybe you’ll find you like being a pegasus,” she said, patting my back.

“I don’t have thumbs! And I don’t have any magic to use instead!”

“Thousands have gotten by before you without them. I don’t see why you should be any different.”

“Because I would know what I was missing. And what about you? Maybe you’ll decide you like being a human.”

“Is that a hint of a blush I see?” she coyly replied, bending over to get a peek at my cheeks.

“N-no!” I stammered. “This fur, it’s just hot! I don’t see how you ponies stand it.”

“Riiight. And if I do… this?” I looked back and saw that she let the cloak drop a little. I turned beet red and stumbled, causing her to almost lose her balance. She just laughed.

“You’re drunk!” I accused. “And let’s see how you’d react to being in your prime as the only member of your species, when you suddenly found someone of the opposite sex there!”

“I’d like to think that I would handle it better than you are.”

“Yeah, but he sure as hell wouldn’t!” She laughed at that, too. I was tempted to ‘accidentally’ drop her, but knew that would only make it worse.

A few hours later, she said, “We could just sneak in under cover of darkness and get Spike to send a letter to Celestia. He wouldn’t tell anypony if we asked him not to.”

“Nay,” I said, and heard it come out very elongated, causing me to blush again. “No,” I tried again. “We don’t want to risk her taking too long to respond and having your friends rush off to your rescue. They’d be pretty upset if they ran that far just to find some smoldering ruins.”

“Yeah…”

We made camp about halfway there. My back was unused to carrying the burden of a person and her body was unused to riding, so it was a mutual agreement. She had considerably fewer reservations than I did about cuddling to keep warm. I did my best to pretend to not notice it, with decidedly mixed results.

A few hours into the next day, she started testing her fingers out. “Twilight… What are you doing?” I asked as I felt her fingers in my… my mane.

“I just noticed how much I can feel with these things!” she merrily said, gently scratching the back of my head.

“Yeah, fingers have a lot of nerve receptors. Do your best not to hurt them, because any cuts there really hurt.” Her fingers moved up to my ears and started scratching those. I lowered my head to try to get away from her questing fingers. “Stop it!”

She pulled her hands back. “Does that hurt?” she asked.

“No, it feels good,” I said, bringing my head back up. Her hands went right back to my ears, scratching them gently. “Quit it!”

“Why, if it feels good?” she asked.

“Because… I don’t like it,” I finally managed to say.

“You don’t like things that feel good?” she asked, not stopping.

“It’s demeaning!”

“You do it to us all the time. And it’s just me and you here, Nav. No pony’s judging you.”

“If I knew how to use this body I would buck you off right now.” I settled for lowering my head as far as I could. Even my ears flattened against me somehow.

She leaned over and continued. “You’re just giving me more surface area to work with, Nav,” she giggled.

“I don’t like being touched, dammit!” I finally yelled. “And if you don’t knock it off you can walk the rest of the way back!”

She finally relented, pulling her hands back. “You don’t like being touched?” she asked. “Why not?”

“How do you explain a phobia? Or something that just doesn’t feel right? It’s impossible. All that matters is that I don’t like it.”

“But… I’m sitting on you right now. Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Not really. It’s like wearing a backpack. It’s just different.”

“Why haven’t you mentioned it before? I know some of us have touched you in the past. Pinkie definitely likes her hugs.”

“They were fleeting touches, nothing lasting. And none of you have ever had fingers until now, so they felt less like touches. Usually it’s just something I deal with or get the other person to stop on my own. You’re the only person I’ve ever told, and the only reason I told you is because there’s not much I can really do to stop you.” I sighed. “And now Pinkie is going to be touching me every time she sees me. Fuck.”

“The only way they’ll know is if I tell them. And why would I do that?”

“I don’t know why you would. I just know that you probably will. At least when I’m a human again I can stop her.”

“After so long, you still trust me so little?” she asked, sounding hurt. “I can keep a secret, Nav!”

“Yeah. You can. But will you? I suppose time will tell.”

We walked in silence for a few minutes. Finally she spoke up, “You know, the best way to get rid of a phobia is to confront it.” She gently put her hands on the sides of my neck.

“I don’t want to get rid of it! Take your hands off of me.”

“Oh come on. I’ll be gentle, I promise!”

“How about this: You take your hands off me and you can continue riding on me.”

“I just want to help you! How’s that so bad?”

“Because it’s something I don’t like! Drop it. And your hands, while you’re at it.”

“Ugh! Why are you so difficult, Nav?” She let me go again, though.

We walked in silence for a bit longer. “I don’t think you would make me walk,” she finally said. “You know what it’s like walking barefoot far more than I do. And if you’ve already carried me this far, I think you sympathize enough to carry me the rest of the way. Especially if either way I can touch you.”

“You know I don’t like being touched. You know this, because I told you. And yet you still seem so adamant about touching me. What kind of friend does that?”

She was silent for a little while. “You’re… You feel nice,” she finally answered.

“Well, save it until we get to Ponyville. You can pet Pinkie all day; her fluffy hair is really soft.”

She decided to try a different tactic. “How do you ever plan on getting a special somepony if you are afraid of being touched?”

“Uh… I don’t?”

“What?” I think she was surprised at my answer.

“Twilight, I thought we had been over this. The thought of sex with a pony almost makes me sick. I might be able to fall in love with one, but taking it further would be difficult, and I think I would be hard-pressed to find a chick that doesn’t want any sex at all.”

“Oh, right! The whole bestiality thing. You know we’re not animals, right?”

“We’ve had this conversation before. My position hasn’t changed.” Though to be quite honest, I knew it very well might in the future. After so long… Well, there’s no telling what might happen to change my mind.

She sighed. We walked in silence for a bit longer. After a while she let out a frustrated groan. “I just got these fingers, Nav! Everything feels so wonderful! Can I please just stroke you?” I felt my body stiffen before I realized what she meant.

I growled lightly but stopped after a moment, sighing. “If you stop when I tell you to stop, okay.” I’m going to regret this.

She giggled with glee and began toying with my hair again. I dealt with it as well as I could. Then her hands moved down to the sides of my neck. And then under my neck. One of her hands went to scratch me under the chin while the other reached lower.

I don’t know what she was doing, but my mind felt clouded when her hand started scratching my chin. I didn’t notice where her other hand was until I felt her somehow rubbing my belly. I stiffened up immediately. “Enough!” I told her. She kept going. “Twilight, stop it!”

She flinched and pulled both hands back quickly. “What?”

“That’s enough,” I quickly answered. “If you start doing that again, keep it at my back and neck.”

“Don’t you want to know what belly rubs feel like? You know how much everypony likes them!”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not. You start touching me down there and I’ll tell everyone you’re molesting me.”

“What?!”

“Joking,” I replied with a smile. “But seriously, you start reaching down there and I’ll kick you.”

“Ugh. You’re so difficult!”

“Yeah. Isn’t it great? Don’t worry about it too much, though; it won’t matter at all once Celestia turns us back. Thank God, too; being a pony sucks.”

“But you haven’t even experienced any of it yet!”

“Nor do I really want to. I know you know how odd it feels for you, being a human when used to a pony body. I feel entirely wrong like this.”

“Well… Yeah. Your eyes are all beady and in the wrong places. But don’t you want to fly?”

“Hell no. Fuck heights. I’d really rather just turn back immediately."

She groaned again. “Are you really going to let your fears conquer you like this, Nav? I thought you were stronger than this!”

“Then I guess you thought wrong. No reason to conquer a fear since I won’t ever have to face it. Once I get turned back, flying will almost definitely be a nonissue.”

“Why do you have to be so… ugh!” Ugh? A fitting description at times, I suppose.

Most of the rest of the walk back was in silence, until we got to within view of Applejack’s ranch. We decided we might as well get it over with, and walked or rode down to meet her.

Applejack did not much know what to think of us when we found her. She looked at me and said, “Twilight?”

“Up here,” she answered from atop my back.

“…Navarone?” Applejack slowly asked, looking back at me.

“The same.”

I almost thought she was going to dispute it, before she said, “I really hope y’all put a hurtin’ on Trixie for doing that to you.”

“I don’t think she’ll be bothering us again,” I replied.

Applejack had no idea how to respond to that, so Twilight said, “We didn’t exactly know how we should go about approaching the town. There will be some… confusion, I believe.”

“I’ll say…” Applejack answered before going silent for a moment. “Why not just wait until dark, wrap that cloak around you, and saunter in like you own the place?”

“That was our plan, but we also didn’t want all of you to go rushing off to rescue us in case Celestia couldn’t change us back right away,” Twilight said. “Navarone here thought the first thing you would do upon seeing us would be to rush off to tell the rest of our friends so they could see us before we changed. I told him you were more loyal than that.”

“Now, in my defense,” I said, “that isn’t exactly how I put it.”

“Well now, y’all know Rainbow Dash is the loyal one...” Applejack said with a smirk. I felt Twilight slump before Applejack ran off, snickering.

“Dammit, I told you!” I said as she disappeared. Twilight and I both sighed. “Well, nothing for it now,” I said, beginning the walk into town.

We got some odd looks, I’ll admit. More, I soon realized, directed at me than at her. I flicked my new ears and picked up some of the horrified whispers: “A blank flank, at his age? What is the world coming to?” “Look at him! Never seen one quite like him before…” It’s not something I’m entirely proud of, but Twilight actually was correct when she said I would get more blushes than laughs.

Even Scootaloo, when we ran into her, seemed shocked to see me. She was more shocked at my lack of a cutie mark, though, and completely failed to notice Twilight on my back. She also completely failed to notice she was going very fast on a scooter and just barely managed to stop before crashing. “Mister, why don’t you have a cutie mark?” she asked. Twilight sniggered. I shifted, making Twilight flinch to adjust herself so she didn’t fall.

“Because I only just turned into a pony about a day ago,” I told her. From there, it didn’t take long to click.

“…Navarone?”

“Guilty.”

“Guilty of that and more,” Twilight quietly laughed aloud. I shifted again to shut her up.

“What happened?”

“A spell gone wrong,” is all I said. She took that information and sped off, probably to find her two little friends.

As we neared the tree house, I saw signs of hurried occupation and a few eyes peeking out windows. I let Twilight down off my back and she opened the door for the first time with actual hands.

Twilight’s fanfare was a lot louder than mine. As soon as she opened the door and walked in, she was hit by a number of unsuppressed snickers. She bore it with decent enough grace and beckoned me forward.

I could tell they wanted to laugh. But they… couldn’t. I mean, I’m not a handsome human, at least not as far as I know. I have no reason to think I’d be a handsome pegasus. I honestly found myself surprised at my reception, which was covered by at least three blushes and one quickly suppressed snicker when she realized she was laughing alone. Spike had no such reservations, and laughed aloud at my discomfort.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I asked.

With that, the spell was broken, and there was a tirade of questions. Most were directed at Twilight, but Pinkie Pie hopped over to me and said, “So, how about those dance lessons?”

“I was rather hoping to change back before too long, Pinkie.”

“You’re changing back?” she cried. “Why would you want to do that?” Her outburst got everyone’s attention.

“Because I don’t have thumbs, for one thing,” I weakly replied.

“Thumbs?” Applejack scoffed. “I’ve done just fine without them. We all have!”

“You also never had them to lose. Spike, how would you feel if you suddenly lost the use of your hands?”

They all turned to him. “Hey, I want no part of this. I’m just gonna go write a letter to Princess Celestia real quick.” So much for bros before hos…

“Humph. If you ask me,” Rarity haughtily said, “you just want to be different for the sake of being different!” Well, nobody asked you. “You look just fine the way you are!” Extra emphasis on fine.

“If you don’t believe me, ask Twilight,” I said. “She’s had to use her hands a few times since we changed.”

They all looked to her. “He does have a bit of a point. If I didn’t know I was going to have magic to go back to as a unicorn, I would be somewhat hesitant to change back.” They scoffed at her answer.

“Believe me or not,” I said. “It matters little to me. Celestia will soon be here, and will hopefully be able to change us both back.”

Spike came back in with a scroll, cutting everyone’s retort off as he read it aloud. As he went through it, I saw Twilight’s face grow slightly resigned, ponies grow somewhat smug, and I felt rather than saw my face droop. Celestia had no idea how to fix us, but she did know it was possible. But she was busy with something big that impacted the realm as a whole and was unable to help us for at least a week. Luna was on the case, looking for the spell.

Which meant I was stuck. As a pony. For who knows how long.

Well, shit.

“Twilight,” I found myself saying, “would you kindly remove this crossbow and the bolts from my neck? I think I’d like to go lie down.”

“I’ll take them off you, but you’re not going anywhere.” I sighed, noticing how much louder it sounded as a pony. “No, we’re going to stay here and deal with this.”

“Uh, Twilight?” Spike said. “There’s another part of this letter that I think you should see.”

She grabbed the scroll and read it to herself, then reread it. She looked at me, and recited aloud: “Do not let Navarone get a cutie mark. I do not know if I can turn him back into a human if he obtains one, or at least, if I can, it will be considerably more difficult. I have never tried it before, but many transformations are especially difficult should a pony find his or her true identity. For many ponies, this comes when they find their cutie mark. So warn him that I may not be able to help him if he has a cutie mark when I get there.”

I won’t repeat my string of expletives. “So,” I said when I was finished, “I just do nothing for a week?”

“Not necessarily,” Twilight said. “Getting a cutie mark takes most ponies several years to do. I would be careful to avoid doing anything you much like, though.”

“Pinkie Pie, good news!” I said with false enthusiasm. “The dancing lessons are back on.”

“REALLY?” She didn’t even catch the insult.

I sighed and turned to Twilight, “Unless I’m needed for anything else?”

“Nothing I can think of,” she replied with a smile. “Try not to have too much fun.” No chance of that happening. Yes, I have had a few dance lessons in the past. No, I didn’t enjoy any of them. And dancing as a pony? No, there was little chance I would enjoy the coming torture.

And I’m not going to lie, Pinkie Pie’s showgirl outfit did not make me feel any better about dancing with her. How did she even put that thing on? Better question, who makes something like that for a pony?

Rarity decided to follow us to Pinkie Pie’s rented room at Sugarcube Corner. Of all Twilight’s friends, she was the only one that actually didn’t have anything better to do than watch me embarrass myself. Even Fluttershy had to go back to helping her animals. In Rarity’s words, “I just have to see this for myself.”

It started awkwardly but slowly got better. I had no idea how to balance weight on my two back legs and use my two front legs as focus points against her, so she had to show me how to do that, and it took longer and was full of more innuendos than I ever suspected any of these ponies to use. Rarity finally threatened to leave if Pinkie Pie didn’t knock it off, which thankfully put a stop to it.

After that, it went much smoother. Pinkie Pie made a professional, if slightly silly, teacher, and my past experience helped at least a little. I didn’t leave as a pro dancer, but I would have been able to hide on a dance floor.

All in all, it really wasn’t that bad of an experience. Not something I’d do if I had another choice in the matter, mind, but it was a worthy way to pass some time.

As I prepared to leave, Pinkie Pie said, “Just think, Nav! If you don’t change back, we could open a dance studio! And Rarity could design our outfits and Twilight could plan showings and Applejack could make money on the side selling concessions and Rainbow Dash could make dramatic weather and Fluttershy could talk some birds into doing… whatever birds are supposed to do at times like that!”

“Lofty dreams,” I replied. “Something to think about, but not, I think, enough to tip my hand. Waltzing is an interesting hobby, I admit, but it’s definitely not worth the cost.”

“Waltzing isn’t the only kind of dance out there, you know! I know several I could teach you!”

“We’ll see,” is all I answered. “For now, I’m tired. Taking care of Trixie was tiring in itself, and finding myself in a new form hardly helped, nor did having to tote Twilight all the way back.”

With cries to ‘think about it’ following us, Rarity and I departed. When we were far enough away from the shop, Rarity said, “I’m somewhat impressed, Navarone. I never thought you would be much of a dancer, though it did take you a while to measure your steps.”

“I think I did rather well, for just having learned how to walk a day or two ago. Though to be fair, I’m honestly still not that good. But Pinkie Pie is a surprisingly good teacher.”

“Yes, she does have her occasional moments of lucidity. So, what are your plans for the rest of the week?”

“My main goal is, as it is every week, to not die. That aside, I plan to do my best to not get into any situations I can’t talk my way out of. I will only have this body until Celestia or Luna shows up to change me, and I really, really don’t want anyone to get any ideas about trying to force or convince me to stay this way.”

“Is that body really so displeasing to you?”

“It is not as bad as I feared, I will admit. However, it feels… wrong, like I’m constantly about to fall over, or like I’m on my hands and knees. I keep trying to stretch my fingers, only to realize that I don’t have any. My ears keep twitching and I’m hearing things that as a human I never would have picked up. My eyes are in the wrong places. And my nose… for some reason, as soon as I got near town, I started smelling… something new. No clue what it is, but it’s annoying.”

“Well, I can’t say that I’ve ever been a human, so I wouldn’t really know the difference. But at least you aren’t just going to be a recluse all the time, it seems.”

“There are plenty of things I’m really not a fan of that can keep me occupied. Enough to pass some time and not get me an ass tattoo.”

“So vulgar,” she sighed, shaking her head.

“Not all of us can be such beautiful examples of decorum,” I replied before even thinking about what I said. “Wait, did I just call you…”

“You most definitely did,” she said with a smirk. “You know, I’m sure we could find a few… things to do together. Things that would keep us both occupied…”

That tone she had started to make me worry. “I uh… I’m not sure…” Some very dark part of me was whispering for me to jump on that opportunity, but I was trying to ignore it.

“After all, I’ve always wanted a nice looking stallion to model some clothes for me. You wouldn’t mind, would you?”

A sigh of relief escaped me and I nodded. “If it’ll pass the time, sure. But it’ll have to be tomorrow. I meant what I told Pinkie about being exhausted.”

“Hm, very well. It is getting rather late, it seems. I’ll come by first thing in the morning to collect you, then! Maybe we can find something to cover that blank flank of yours so you can walk around in the town without attracting much attention.”

“That… actually would be pretty nice. I’ll see you in the morning, then.”

“Goodnight for now, Nav,” Rarity replied with a nod, turning off to go down a side road. I watched her for a few seconds, for some reason hypnotized by the sway of her flank.

God, stop that! What the hell is wrong with me tonight?

After shaking myself to dispel the strange thoughts I was getting, I continued on my way to the library and an early bedtime.

Rarity came by shortly after I woke up to collect me. “Are you ready, Nav?” she asked, stepping into the library proper.

I wasn’t doing anything at the time, since hooves are shit for holding anything. “Yeah,” I answered. “Not sure it’ll be fun, but at least it’ll pass some time.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself,” she said. “Now come along! Ooh, there are so many outfits to try!”

“Where are you going?” Spike asked, popping his head out of the kitchen where Twilight was driving him like a slave.

“Nav here agreed to model for me!” she answered with a large smile, wrapping a leg around my neck and pulling me close.

Spike’s smile from seeing Rarity almost instantly died. I don't think he was happy that I was macking on his honey. But since he never asked her out, that was decidedly a him problem. “Oh. Can I come?” he asked.

“You have to help me!” Twilight said from behind him. “We’re looking for that spell in the library today. Nav can’t do much since he somehow can’t figure out how to hold anything with his hooves.”

“But—”

“And it smells like something’s burning,” Twilight added.

“My pancakes!” Spike rushed back into the kitchen as Rarity pulled me to the door.

“Don’t you worry about breakfast, Nav,” Rarity said when we were outside. “I’m sure I can find something for you in my house.”

“Is it part of you?” I asked, once again before I could stop myself.

She chuckled, swishing her tail against me. “Only if you ask nicely,” she replied.

“God, why do I keep saying these things?” I asked, lifting a hoof to try to face-palm before remembering I didn’t have palms. “What the hell is wrong with this body?”

“Oh, nothing at all!” she replied, snuggling against me in a way that I regret to say felt rather nice. “Maybe you’re just finally starting to see ponies as more attractive, hm?”

I shivered involuntarily, disgusted at the thought. She noticed, but didn’t comment. “Do you really have to be so close?” I asked after a few seconds of her still standing right against me as we walked.

“For your sake, yes,” she answered, pulling away slightly. “It’s never mattered for you before, but you don’t want to be a new, single stallion in a mare-heavy town like Ponyville. At least, you don’t want that. They’d be all over you. I’m just doing you a favor.”

“How generous of you,” I flatly replied. “But are you sure you didn’t just want an excuse to rub against my apparently sexy body?”

Once again, she chuckled. “Oh Nav… I wouldn’t need an excuse! Now let’s speed it up, shall we? It might not be wise to let too many ponies see you without a cutie mark just yet.”

“I don’t know if I can do fast in this body yet,” I replied, starting to jog next to Rarity.

“You’re doing just fine. I bet by the time you can turn back, you won’t even want to!”

“Doubt it.”

“Hm, we’ll see…”

When we got to her dress shop, she dragged me to the kitchen. “So have you tried any flowers yet?” she asked, forcing me into one of the seats.

“No, and I’d really rather not. I know you ponies can eat them, but just the very thought of it makes me feel sick.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You don’t even want to try them? Just think of all the new flavors you might find!”

“I’m perfectly fine with keeping to the old flavors. But something I haven’t had in a while would be nice. I don’t suppose you know how to make crepes?”

She blinked in surprise before smiling. “I didn’t know you knew about those! Nopony in Ponyville has ever mentioned them! My, you manage to surprise me all the time, Nav. Making them would take some time, but I suppose it’s a fair compensation for assisting me as a model.”

“If that’s too problematic, there are plenty of other things—”

“No no, it’s no problem at all! Cooking is one of life’s simpler pleasures, one I admit to partaking in. Just sit back and relax, Nav. Of course, I just hope a certain sister of mine didn’t waste all of my ingredients…”

Thankfully, Sweetie Belle didn’t. Not too long later, I had a plate of lustingly cooked crepes in front of me.

And, after realizing I didn’t have fingers anymore, no way to eat them. “Fuck,” I sighed, looking at my shitty hooves.

“What’s the matter?” Rarity quickly asked, jumping next to me to examine the plate.

“I have no idea how to eat with these,” I said, lifting one of my hooves. “I don’t know how you ponies hold things with these, so I can’t do it. You don’t mind if I waive manners for a few minutes and just eat directly off the plate, do you?”

“Hm, that simply won’t do,” she replied, taking a seat across from me. “I’ll just have to feed you.”

“What.” Her horn lit up and the knife and fork she set down next to my plate lifted on their own accord. For some reason, I couldn’t see the aura that was usually around them. “This is… unnecessary,” I nervously said, watching the knife cut some of the food off.

“But fun,” she replied with a smile. “Now open wide!”

I sighed and did so, allowing her to place the very good food in my mouth. Since I was hungry and she had the means of feeding me, I didn’t fight back. It wasn’t fun, but I bore the indignity quietly enough.

“There now, wasn’t that fun?” she asked when the last bit of it was gone.

“Not particularly. But it was good, so I can’t complain.”

“It’s nice to see you have good tastes! I might have to have you over for breakfast again. Maybe we can have a… hm, sleepover?”

“Well, it’s getting pretty cold, so we’d have to share a bed…” When I realized what I said, I flinched. “Dammit, why does this keep happening?”

“I don’t know, but I quite like it! Much more enjoyable than the Nav I knew.”

“Ugh. Can we just get to playing dress-up? I’m sure that’ll take my mind away from… that.”

“Oh, you know you like it,” she playfully said, standing and levitating the dishes to her sink. “But come along and let’s get started. There’s so much for you to try on!”

I can’t say what followed was the most fun thing I’ve ever done, but it was far from the worst. I honestly don’t know how I looked, at least to a mare, but I know Rarity was very pleased with her results. She kept talking about someone named ‘Photo Finish,’ which I personally thought was a completely ridiculous name.

I’m also not entirely sure how she made all the clothes she had me try on that fast. I mean, surely she wasn’t storing masses of clothes on the possibility that a stallion would one day show up and say, “Hey, you need a sexy male model?” Rarity can sometimes be crazy, but surely not that crazy.

When I asked her about the clothing she had ready, she got an unhappy look in her eyes and mentioned, rather venomously, a certain ‘him.’ I decided that it was in my best health to not push the issue. She quickly got over her outburst and went back to playing dress up with me as her doll.

We were in a back room when the bell on the door chimed, signaling someone walking in. “Just a minute,” Rarity sang before turning back to me. “No, not like that! That’s the wrong hole! Here, let me!”

“I’m sorry, this is my first time…” I said a bit sheepishly. Well, it was my first time trying to put pants on as a pony. Seriously, why do ponies even have pants? “Watch it, that thing’s sensitive!” She had just pulled my tail, which I quickly found was something I didn’t want tugged.

“I know it’s your first time, but surely you used to do this all the time back when you were a human!”

“Yeah, but that was with a more natural medium, not anything like this!”

“I figured you’d have some kind of instincts on the matter! The way you acted last night, I know you can move those hips!”

“That was with Pinkie Pie, though! She wasn’t abusing me nearly as much as you are.”

“Oooh, you’re hopeless!” she wailed, turning to the door. “Let’s just go see what my other guest wants.”

She opened the door to a very red-faced Fluttershy, who looked from me to Rarity with a mixture of shame and horror. “What… what were you… doing in there?” she asked in a frightened voice.

Rarity looked somewhat shocked. “Fluttershy, you should know better… I am a lady!”

I quickly thought over what we had just said and smirked before throwing one of my legs around Rarity’s shoulder. “You don’t have to deny it, Rarity!” I said, pulling her close as she glared at me. “It’s perfectly understandable that you’d fall for me.”

“You’re about to be the one falling if you don’t stop lying!” Rarity growled.

“Oh, relax,” I said, stepping away from her. “Fluttershy knows I’m just joking.” A quick look at the timid mare proved that no, she absolutely didn’t know I was joking. “...Fluttershy, I was joking. Rarity is playing dress-up with me as her doll. And last night, Pinkie taught me how to waltz.”

“...Oh. That makes sense, I guess.” She looked a lot less nervous after that, and even consented to pose with me for a few of Rarity’s shots. It got somewhat awkward at a few points, but at that point I had done worse, so we managed to get through it. Fluttershy did have to explain how to spread my wings, though.

I know it’s hard to explain or imagine, but imagine suddenly growing wings. The problem is, my mind was only built to handle two arms and two legs and I was raised only using those. If I suddenly gained access to a whole new set of muscles that I never tried to use before, it would take me a while to figure out how they worked in relation to the other parts of my body. Rarity and Fluttershy had to gently extend my wings and distend them several times for me to even be able to figure out where on my body the muscles were to use, let alone actually trying to use them.

When Rarity had finished abusing us for her own sick amusement, she took a look at some of her pictures and said, “Navarone, you simply must stay as a stallion! You could become famous as a model! Just think of your possible impact on fashion!”

“I try not to at all times, actually. If that’s what I have to look forward to as a pony, I think I should get changed back as soon as possible. Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?”

“I know I didn’t much care for my foray into fashion,” she said. Then she caught the look Rarity was giving her. “But you might like it a lot more! I don’t know how the male model industry works…”

“Being gay is a prerequisite that I definitely lack. I think I’ll pass.”

“Psh. Stallions,” Rarity sighed, rolling her eyes. I could say something similar about mares…

Instead, though, I contented myself with disentangling myself from Fluttershy and then the clothing. “I assume we’re done?” I asked while I was pulling things off.

“Yes, yes. Fluttershy and I have an appointment with a spa that we must meet. Thank you for your help, Navarone!”

Well, that was an interesting way to spend a few hours. And I learned why the ponies very rarely wore clothing. Pants were very… restricting, for my new form.

When I returned to the library, I grabbed the cloak thing Twilight used on the way to the competition to hide my blank flank so I could walk around town without any trouble. Sure, Rarity mentioned the mares might bother me, but I was pretty sure they would take ‘not interested’ as an answer.

It was interesting, seeing the town from the viewpoint of a normal pony. Well, at least what everyone else considered a relatively normal pony. I did get a few odd looks, which I attributed to either the bulging of the cloak over my wings or the fact that apparently I was somehow uncommonly attractive—which I still don’t understand—but it was a better reception than I usually got.

So there I was, walking through town, looking relatively ordinary, when the trio of disaster cornered me.

“Hey Navarone, want to join us in getting your cutie mark?” Applebloom asked me.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun!” Sweetie Belle assured me.

“And with you along with your weird human ideas, we should get done twice as fast!” Scootaloo added.

“Sadly,” yeah right, “I can’t. If I get my… cutie mark, I might be stuck as a pony.”

“Why is that so bad?” Sweetie Belle asked. “We’re managing just fine!”

“Because you’re not used to having thumbs. I mean, Rarity actually had to feed me today because I couldn’t use the fork.”

“Why can’t you use your hooves?” Scootaloo asked. “Can’t you figure it out?”

“In time I could, yes. But there are a few other reasons I don’t much care for staying as a pony, none of which you’re old enough to understand.” Or that I would be willing to bring up to, well, anyone.

“Applejack uses that excuse on us all the time,” Applebloom said. “Can’t you give us a hint?”

“Not and retain any scrap of grace, no.”

“Can’t you just avoid doing anything with us that you really like doing?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“I could, but if I tried something new and liked it too much it might be too late. It’s not really something I consider worth it, though I have actually already tried two new things so far. Well, one new and one semi-new.”

“I heard my sister muttering about you doing something with Pinkie Pie last night. She seemed pretty excited about whatever it was…” Sweetie Belle said.

“Applejack also mentioned you going somewhere with Pinkie Pie. What did you two do?”

“Dancing lessons. It was… awkward, as a pony.”

“I thought you didn’t like dancing at parties,” Scootaloo said.

“I don’t like being at parties at all. But this was ballroom dancing, waltzing. If we tried that at a normal one of Pinkie Pie’s parties, it would get us laughed out of the joint.”

“Hm… That’s something we ain’t tried yet,” Applebloom said. “Do you think she’d be willing to teach us?”

“If you asked, probably,” I replied with a shrug.

With that, they ran off shouting about becoming professional ballroom dancers. Well, I guess it’s better than professional personal dancers. God, I can imagine the look on Rarity’s face if Sweetie Belle came home sporting a stripper pole or a tramp stamp on her ass.

Suddenly the idea for a great prank hit me, but I shook it off. That would be bad, even for me. Besides, I don’t even know if that profession exists in Ponyland.

The rest of day two was spent mostly in silence, walking around Ponyville and seeing the sights with a new perspective. I answered a few polite questions from curious ponies, mostly questions from mares about who I was and why I was in town. I decided I might as well pretend to be a servant of the princess, in town visiting Twilight. No reason to go building up awkward questions, after all.

I received a few depressing warnings to avoid her… pet human. I almost got violent the first time I heard that, but managed to restrain myself. It’s not like the ponies here hated me, they just… weren’t that used to me yet. Hell, it had only been, what, a few months since I got here? I was at best tolerated, but all of Twilight’s friends assured me that would change in time.

Let me tell you, even after the first few days, I still wasn’t used to waking up and not being able to rub the sleep out of my eyes. Or adjusting the cover late at night. Or hell, doing pretty much anything. Only a few days left, hopefully. I did notice that I was getting behind on my journal, not being able to write or anything. So if anything seems odd or off about this week, it may just be that it took me so much longer to get to writing it.

On day three, there was a terrible storm, so no one really went outside. Twilight practiced magic with her new horn. It was pretty funny seeing the expressions on her face as she worked her spells. God, it was great to see another human, even if I did know she was only faking it and even if she looked odd for some reason. Aside from the eyes and horn, I mean. It definitely brought a lot of memories back that we discussed at length, lacking much else to do.

I was only eighteen when I left and I lacked many friends for most of that life, but I did have some interesting tales. Admittedly, a lot of them weren’t about me, but they were still pretty interesting.

I’ll spare myself the details, because I already know all the tales. After all, no one else is going to be reading this. And if anyone does, that person is a terrible person and deserves to be spanked.

But most of the tales were stories about why I would probably be forever-alone. Long story short, awkwardness and teen hormones aside, I really was terrible with girls. Flirting was no problem, but following through was impossible for me. I had a girl wait nearly a full minute for me to ask her out. I knew she was waiting and she had to know I knew she was waiting, but I just… couldn’t ask. It was bad.

Some of the stories were funnier ones, though. Admittedly, not all of them were actually true, but they were things I had talked about doing or was planning on doing before I was forced into Equestria. Like, for instance, the prank about moving one of the senior lunch tables to the roof and eating up there like it wasn’t a thing, while the only access to the roof was by ladder. Our tables were mostly made of concrete. It would have been possible, but it would have been a massive undertaking. I was all for it and had actually drawn up plans, but I could never get anyone to help me that was willing to risk the punishment.

She, in turn, regaled me with her own tales of childhood. She was much the same as I in many respects: She spent most of her life doing little but studying and practicing magic, spending little time on friends.

She was fiddling with my knife for most of the conversation, grooming her fingernails and just otherwise fiddling with it. Human mannerisms she picked up from watching me, I guess, but it still seemed odd to me.

When she tried popping her knuckles, though, I spoke up: “I wouldn’t bother trying that. It takes a while to be able to do it.”

“You seem to do it every five minutes, though.”

“Yeah, and it took me a long time to be able to do that. And it’s not really that healthy, anyway. I mean, it’s not like it’ll give you arthritis or anything, but it will start to make your hands feel sluggish and clammy unless you do it often, but that’s only if you actually start doing it.”

“Then why would any human start doing it?”

“Because you don’t notice how sluggish and clammy your hands feel until you pop your knuckles and realize how much better they feel.” I had no idea if that was true; I had been doing it for so long I don’t remember what it felt like to not do it.

“Then why shouldn’t I try doing it?”

“Because you’re going to be losing your fingers soon enough anyway.”

She smirked, replying, “And what makes you think I haven’t decided to stay a human and keep you company?”

“Because you were a unicorn so long that by now being a human is driving you nearly insane due to the sheer oddness and distraction of it?” I know the opposite was definitely true of me. Being a pony felt wrong after being a human for so long.

“...Yeah, that would be a pretty good and accurate reason.”

I had been watching her the whole time, trying to determine why she looked so off. Talking about the hands is what got me to realize it. “You don’t use your hands while talking! That’s why you seem so odd to me.”

She gave me a weird look. “What?”

“When humans talk to each other, they use hand motions and other mannerisms when talking. You don’t move your hands at all. It’s… disquieting. You also don’t touch your face at all; humans tend to do that several times a minute, automatically. No wonder you look so off to me.”

“Now that you mention it, you do seem to be a considerably more animated pony than any I’ve seen before. I never really noticed what you were doing with your hands before, when you were talking. Most ponies rarely use any hoof gestures like that, so we don’t get in a habit of noticing them as much. We run the risk of falling over, I guess.”

We had a bit of a discussion on communication after that and ended up just telling more stories until night fell again. It was a long day.

Day four felt even longer. Rainbow Dash felt it was her civic duty as the main pegasus in town to make sure I knew how to fly. With her was Fluttershy, seconded as a teacher for the day. Together, they formed a unified front that even I couldn’t break. Seeing a serious Fluttershy is something that doesn’t happen often and it’s rarely something anyone could stand against.

So I was dragged off to a secluded field somewhere outside of town. I think they did it more to avoid suspicion than to spare me any embarrassment.

“You realize, of course, that I’m turning back as soon as possible, right?” I tried arguing.

“Trust me, after you start flying, you’ll forget all about wanting to be a human!” Rainbow Dash assured me.

“Oh yes, it’s quite wonderful!” Fluttershy agreed. “Though I usually prefer the ground, some types of birds can only be found by going higher, and they’re well worth the effort!”

“You’re also aware that I only just recently learned how to even stretch my wings, right? Recently as in two days ago. And then it was for little more but posing.”

“I still can’t believe you let Rarity dress you up like that. I would have loved to see it!” Rainbow Dash said, chuckling. Women are sometimes immune to logic, I’ve found.

“Fluttershy was there. She didn’t seem to think it was that odd.”

“Oh yes, it was quite… nice,” she said with a slight blush. I really need to watch what I say. Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes.

“So, is the main trick here to just fall at the ground and miss?” I ventured. “I never could master that as a human…” Neither of them got the reference, unsurprisingly.

“No… The basic goal is to jump and start gently flapping, and hope you don’t fall,” Rainbow Dash said.

“How important is the hoping part of that?”

“It’s usually the most important part,” Fluttershy muttered. Comforting.

Rainbow Dash gave her a look. “The hoping part is mostly for beginners,” she said, looking back to me. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. Probably.”

“Wait, how am I supposed to jump, again? As a human, I only had two legs to worry about.”

“You really don’t know anything, do you?”

“I just got this body and I wasn’t expecting to have to pass a freaking test with it. My basic plan was to walk around for a few days and then get turned back as soon as possible, then drink until I forget this experience.”

Rainbow Dash shuddered at that. “I can’t believe you let Applejack keep any of that horrid stuff!”

“Well, as it turns out, it was useful against Trixie.”

“You got a unicorn drunk?!”

“Hell no, I’m not stupid. That shit is flammable.”

“You… lit Trixie on fire?” Fluttershy asked, horrified.

“She was being a real bitch. First she headbutted Twilight, then dragged her across the ground, and finally threw her at me. So yeah, I lit Trixie on fire. It was really funny, too. She had a massive bald spot and got really mad.”

“Sounds hilarious!” Dash replied, laughing. Fluttershy seemed to pale slightly, but didn’t say a word.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to distract them for long. Soon came the explanations of flight. Knowing she had to get me in the air as soon as possible to maximize what she believed as her chances to get me to stay a pegasus, Rainbow Dash only gave me the crash course in what I absolutely had to know, with Fluttershy filling in where needed. Apparently none of them had yet realized that there was absolutely zero chance of me remaining a pony. But whatever; if they wanted to keep being nice, that was on them.

My first actual attempt at flying went better than expected, but then I really wasn’t expecting all that much. ‘Better than expected’ in this instance means that I was in the air for a few seconds before fluttering to the ground like an injured bird. I didn’t die, which was the important part, nor did I burst into flames and explode, which I also considered a big bonus.

Of course, Rainbow Dash didn’t much consider that an indicator of success, which shows how much she remembered of being a young flier. Fluttershy was considerably more forgiving, which I thought was nice. It didn’t save me from having to try considerably harder the next time, though.

After several tries, I finally managed to actually stay in the air for a little while. I was doing fine, flitting hither and yon throughout the sky, when I ran into a cloud and freaked out.

It was nothing like I expected. You’d think clouds would be cool and wet, since they’re just condensed rain. Instead, they were a lot warmer, though still slightly moist. They felt like… a pillow is the best comparison, I guess, but walking through a pillow is impossible. I suppose it would be like a large, warm slushee that you could lie on.

Anyway, I flew through it and completely lost my balance, forgetting what was up or down. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were expecting that, and had positioned themselves to catch me when I got out of it.

“You could have warned me, you know!”

“Yeah, but where’s the fun in that?” Rainbow Dash retorted.

“Bah! I bet you both just wanted a chance to hold my sexy body. All you had to do was ask, you know.”

“Psh, you wish!” Dash replied, almost dropping me.

“And I already got to,” Fluttershy almost proudly answered.

“Hey, I bet you just got us both out here to hang out with two awesome mares!” Dash said, grinning over my head at Fluttershy.

“Oh my, that would be quite deceitful of him!” Fluttershy said. “What should we do to such a naughty stallion?”

“I think he needs a little time to cool off!” Dash replied.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think they were teaming up on me.

Then they dropped me and I realized that they were definitely teaming up on me; we were right over the lake that Rainbow Dash tried to drop me in right before she came up with the idea for the stupid sky rodeo. Of course, this time I was able to fly, and didn’t have to trust my reflexes to haul me up their legs.

So as I fell, I spread my wings and just glided away, which was pretty neat and really did feel awesome. Almost awesome enough to make me wish I wasn’t going to turn back into a human. The key word there being, of course, almost.

After that last impediment with the cloud, the day just went by as fast as you please. Flying really was an amazing experience, when you don’t have to worry about losing your grip and falling to your death.

Day five dawned bright and early. Applebloom came by the library and asked me to come help her with something on the farm. She’s a farm girl at heart, so her ‘early in the morning’ is my ‘go-the-fuck-away-I’m-sleeping.’

But the only person in existence that can resist her puppy dog pout of cuteness is Applejack. So I grabbed my cloak with a sigh and followed her out the door, trying to blink sleep from my eyes.

“I don’t suppose we could stop for something to eat first?” I asked.

“No time!” she answered, skipping ahead and then looking back for me to catch up. I was just slowly plodding along. “Besides, there’s plenty of food at the farm.”

Yeah, apples. I’m fucking tired of apples. I just kept on trudging forward, not really paying attention to where I was going.

Thankfully, we made it to her little clubhouse without any problems. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were already there, looking about as enthusiastic as I felt.

“Applebloom, why am I awake so early?” I finally asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

“Because if we don’t get started now, we’ll never finish in time!” she answered.

“Start what and finish in time for what?” Scootaloo asked.

Sweetie Belle looked up to me, “She didn’t tell you anything either?” I could barely shrug, feeling too tired to do much.

“Nav can’t get his cutie mark, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help us get ours!” Applebloom said, sounding way too chipper. “He can help us modify his crazy human ideas to fit his new pony body, so we can try them out ourselves!”

I knew it was too early in the morning because she was making sense. Scootaloo turned to Sweetie Belle, “So is it possible to get a cutie mark in sleeping?”

I turned my neck around to check under my cloak, then turned back. “Nope, I’m still clean,” I said.

Applebloom huffed. “This isn’t helping! We need to get planning!”

“Okay,” I said. “Uh… Have you tried… I don’t know, fucking potion making or something?” They all went pale at that. “...Okay, maybe not. Do I even want to know?”

“Let’s… let’s not talk about that,” Applebloom said, losing some of her chipperness.

“What about writing?” My mind really wasn’t working that well yet.

They looked at each other again with a similar expression. “We uh… we tried that,” Applebloom finally said as they all turned back to me.

I shook my head. “What about you, Sweetie Belle? Can’t you do magic or something?”

She blushed slightly. “I never had any real training… And Rarity refuses to teach me.” Understandable.

“What about blacksmithing? Or wood crafting? Or anything along that nature?”

They all perked up at that. “Blacksmithing?” Applebloom asked with a smile. “Why, we never even thought about that!” The other two started getting excited looks.

Wait… Blacksmithing uses very, very hot metal. These three fillies are prime fuckups when it comes to stuff like that. I tried saying, “On second thought, that might not be such a good idea.”

They weren’t listening. I was barely able to keep up with them as they ran into town, looking for the smithy.

You know, I had never noticed a smithy in Ponyville. It’s not that big of a place, though the size seems to fluctuate randomly for some reason no one can explain. But logic doesn’t have to work in this hellish land, so they found a smithy where the day before I’m pretty sure there was a post office.

It ended… poorly. Not bad enough so that that someone got hurt, but it was… bad.

So were my next several suggestions.

And there were no cutie marks, of course.

Pinkie Pie found us while we were heading back to the clubhouse thing. We all looked dispirited, them from failure and me from being tired. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “You should be smiling! Just think, Nav! You’re finally normal!”

Oh yeah, that makes me feel great. “I’m tired, Pinkie,” I answered, trying to be nice. “Applebloom woke me up early to help them. It isn’t going well.”

She got an expression on her face that I have long since come to dread: “I have an idea!” she shouted, drawing the gaze of several nearby ponies. They shifted their gaze awkwardly when they realized it was Pinkie, wanting to avoid getting involved. She grabbed the girls and took them a little ways from me, whispering to them in excited tones. I saw them looking back at me every now and then.

I had a bad feeling.

When they finally broke up, the three girls broke off and ran ahead. Pinkie Pie fell into step beside me. I saw a chance and I tried to lunge at it, “Well, if you want to take over for me, I’ll happily go on home.”

She was wearing a smile that I could only describe as scarily innocent. “Nonsense, Nav! I’m sure between the two of us we can think of a few more things to help them with!”

“My brain is pretty fried right now, Pinkie. I’m barely able to lift one foot in front of the other. I don’t even know if that phrase works, now that I’m a pony…”

“Oh come on, I know it isn’t that bad! I really like being a pony! I mean, I’ve never tried being anything else, but if I did I’m sure I would prefer being a pony.”

“And I’d prefer to be a human. And soon, I will be, thank God.”

“You mean, thank Celestia?” she asked, looking at me funny.

I thought for a second. “Her too, I guess,” I finally said. “Or maybe Luna. So what did you tell the girls?”

“Oh, they’re planning a surprise for you,” she answered. I really didn’t like the sound of that. But… it’s Pinkie Pie. She would never hurt anyone.

That said, you’d be surprised what you can live through. Or what you’d want to live through.

She kept up some inane chatter on the way down to the farm. We were about a quarter of the way there—all the way out of town—when I found myself hanging in the air. “What the fuck?” I asked, too surprised to be scared. I was in a net, I saw, hanging upside down.

The three girls jumped out of a nearby bush. “We got him!” they shouted. They then checked their flanks to find nothing.

“Well, maybe next time, girls,” Pinkie said, ruffling each of their manes. “Now you go ahead and run along. Nav is really tired and needs some rest.”

“Shouldn’t we let him down?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Yes, I think you should,” I answered.

“I’ll take care of it, girls,” Pinkie Pie answered. “No reason to waste time when you could be Crusading!”

They shrugged and ran off, discussing their next plot.

“So…” I said, balled up in an uncomfortable position.

Pinkie Pie made sure they were out of earshot before saying, “Now we’re gonna go have some fun!” she said with a happy tone. She started looking for the release on the net. “There we go!” I hit the ground with a painful thud. The net stayed closed around me, preventing any manner of escape.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to move very much until you let me go, Pinkie,” I said.

“I’ll let you out when we get where we’re going, Nav. I don’t suppose you could close your eyes? It’ll make your surprise so much more surprising!” She grabbed the rope at the top of the net and started dragging me back to town.

“I’m pretty sure all the ponies are going to question you dragging me back in a net, Pinkie,” I said.

She spit the rope out to say, “Well, how else am I gonna make sure you don’t run away? Don’t you worry about them, Nav. They’ll just think we’re playing a game!” She picked the rope up again and continued dragging.

“Did you ever think about just asking me to come with you? If it got me away from the girls, I would have said yes,” I finally said.

She spit the rope out again. “Less questions, more not-talking,” she answered, grabbing the rope again. I sighed and shut up so we could get wherever we were going faster.

As it turned out, our destination was Sugarcube Corner. She dragged me in the back door, presumably hoping the Cakes—who owned the place—wouldn’t notice me. Her hope didn’t work out. “Pinkie, what are you doing?” Mrs. Cake asked from where she was cooking in the kitchen.

“Playing a game!” she answered, dropping the rope again.

“...What kind of game requires a net? And isn’t that one of Twilight’s friends from Canterlot?”

“Fox and the hare, of course! He ran really far, but I finally caught him and now I get my prize! And everypony is my friend, especially if they’re a friend of a friend! Isn’t that right?” she asked me.

“...Sure. But what do you mean by pri—”

“Now come on,” she grunted, bending down for the rope again.

“Well, whatever you two do, try to keep it down,” Mrs. Cake said, turning back to her cooking.

“Don’t you worry!” Pinkie mumbled around the rope. “But I’ll be back to use the kitchen soon.”

“Just make sure to clean up after yourself,” Mrs. Cake replied, not even looking up.

Sometimes I think Pinkie could get away with a coup just because no one would question her until Celestia and Luna both disappeared and she said she ruled now.

“Nav, you need to go on a diet,” Pinkie panted when we got to the top of the steps. Since she fucking dragged me up the stairs, I wasn’t feeling too hot either.

“You could have just let me out of the net! It’s not like I’d go anywhere.”

“No! We’re almost there!” That said, she grabbed the rope with her teeth again and started pulling me to her room.

“This is getting fucking ridiculous,” I said. She didn’t answer. “I mean, I know you’re weird. I get that. But now half of me is covered in dirt and bruises and grass. My cloak is all filthy. You dragged me up the stairs. What the hell, Pinkie?”

“It’s all gonna be worth it!” she mumbled around the rope.

“Unless it ends with us cuddling after a long night of fun, I doubt it.”

“That’s the idea!” she replied.

“...Wait, what?” She gently kicked her door open and walked us in. I immediately noticed that Ponyville’s basic background smell as a pony was a lot stronger in her room. Jesus, maybe Pinkie is the source of whatever that dank stench is.

“We’re gonna have a sleepover!” she happily replied, dropping the rope and walking over to me. “Now just hold still for a moment…” She did something to the net, releasing it and finally letting me struggle to my feet. “Are you gonna play nice or am I gonna have to get the ropes?”

“...Play nice?” Honestly, I was a little worried about what troubles the other answer might bring.

“Whee! Now you go take a shower, Navi. I’ll go make us some snacks and then we can start playing!”

Before I could ask where the shower was, she bolted out of the room. “That mare has fucking problems.” It didn’t take me long to find her bathroom, at least. Since ponies have a single thing over humans (all their showers are the exact same so you never have to figure out how new ones work), I got clean very quickly. Being able to use my wings as shitty versions of arms was nice.

When I got out, Pinkie was sitting in her room, staring at the bathroom door and smiling. I couldn’t help but flinch back at the look she was giving me. “Are you ready?” she quickly asked.

“What happens if I say no?” I hesitantly asked.

“Then I help you get ready!”

“Then I guess I’m ready, but I don’t know what I’m ready for.”

“Well, first we’re gonna eat. I heard your poor tummy growling all the way here, so I know you’re hungry.” She leapt forward and grabbed me by one of my front legs before dragging me toward one of the tables in her room, where a variety of flowers and pastries were laid out. “You said you couldn’t have much sugar as a human, but you’re not a human anymore! So I made sure to load all these up with extra sugar so you’d be able to make up for all you missed!”

“...I was hoping for actual food,” I slowly said, rubbing my stomach.

“That’s what the flowers are for,” she answered, sitting on one side.

“Cooked food.”

“That’s what the pastries are for! This isn’t that hard, Nav.”

“You know what? Fuck it, I’m hungry. Thanks, Pinkie.” My hoof lowered to one of the pastries before I realized I couldn’t pick it up. “But there’s a problem. Do you care about manners?” When I looked up after asking that, I saw her smashing her face into a cupcake. After I noticed that, I saw that none of them had any kind of wrappers.

...Eating became a lot more fun after that. A lot messier, too. By the time nothing but flowers were on the table, my face was halfway covered in frosting and I felt like I needed another shower.

“You’re not gonna eat any of the flowers?” Pinkie asked, bouncing in her seat.

“I’d prefer not to,” I replied, trying to scrape some of the stuff off me with my tongue. “I never really liked the smell of lavender and that’s all you brought up…”

“Won’t you at least try one?”

“Eeeeh….”

She grabbed one of the things by their stalks and held it up, smiling sweetly. “Pleeeeeease?”

My shoulders sagged and I rolled my eyes before leaning in and chomping the thing in half, getting more of the flower than the stalk. It didn’t take much chewing before I identified a grape base with hints of all kinds of other stuff in there. “Not… too bad,” I finally admitted. “But the texture is just awful.”

“I guess they do kinda take some getting used to,” she replied with a shrug. “Oh, and you kinda got a little something…” She patted the side of her face.

“I know, I’m covered in frosting. I’ll just go wash it off.”

“I can get that for you!” she said before pouncing across the table at me, throwing me onto the floor and landing on top of me. The next thing I knew, the crazy bitch was licking my face clean.

It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Sure, the feeling of a tongue against my face fur felt really weird, but not that bad. Just the same, though… “What the hell, Pinkie?” I asked when she finally pulled away, licking her lips and grinning.

“I couldn’t let it all go to waste!” she replied, sitting back on me. It… felt like her tail was swishing between my legs. And did that smell get stronger? God, it’s making me light headed!

“You could have asked! Also, get off me.”

She giggled and hopped up, bouncing around the room. “You would have said no, silly!” she said as she bounced, still smiling. “This way you didn’t get to. Everypony wins!”

“...How do I win?” I asked, sitting up and rubbing at the back of my head where I slammed into the floor.

“Your face got cleaned,” she replied, stopping her bouncing and coming face to face with me. The ever-present smile on her face maintained its ‘ever’ status. “Now, are you ready for the games?”

“What kind of games?” I slowly asked, wary about spending much time with her. She seemed… extra Pinkie today.

She pulled two very different things out of nowhere. One was her toothless pet alligator named Gummy. I still haven’t figured out how she got his teeth out and I probably don’t want to know. The other was a game that made me feel immediate dread. “Twister!”

“I’m not so su—”

“Great! Gummy will control the spinner while we play.” She quickly pulled away from me and started setting the board up while I wondered just what hell I got myself into.

“You know I can’t move this body well, right?” I asked as she worked.

“I know. But I can move mine just fine! So I’m sure we can figure something out.”

My eyes rolled before I could stop them, but she wasn’t paying attention. “You know, most party games are more fun with more people.”

“Yep. Shame nopony else could make it… But that just leaves more fun for us!”

“You know, I can think of something really fun for us to do,” I said without thinking, my eyes for some reason following her flank.

“Oh, we’ll have all night for that,” she said, waving a hoof and smiling. “But now it’s twister time!”

What the hell is wrong with my brain? God damn. The smell was getting even worse, almost enough for me to want to say something, but I decided to stay polite unless it became unbearable. Though for some reason, it seemed… enticing. “If I say things like that, just ignore them,” I said, standing. “For some reason, I keep saying these things and I don’t know why.”

“Why would I ignore it?” she asked, stretching out. “It’s flattering! And funny!”

Once more, my eyes rolled. “Whatever. Just don’t get upset if I say anything like that and it offends you.”

The next thing I knew, my body was wrapped in a furry hug. “Don’t you worry, Nav!” she replied. “It’ll take more than that to make me unhappy. Now let’s start playing!” As she said that last sentence, she pulled away and looked at Gummy, who just sat there with the spinner in his hands. After a few seconds passed, he slowly blinked, his eyes not in sync. “Right front hoof red!”

“...He didn’t say anything,” I commented as she moved her hoof there.

“Sure he did. You didn’t hear him? He just said back right hoof yellow.”

“Are you… sure?” I asked.

“Yep! Now get those hooves movin’.” After a second of thought and realizing that I probably couldn’t make it to the door before she caught me, I did as she asked. “There. Now back right… orange? There isn’t an orange here!” She glared at Gummy before saying, “If you aren’t going to take this seriously, I’ll give Nav the spinner and we’ll play!” A few more seconds passed. “That’s what I thought! Back right green.” She shifted before muttering, “Orange my flank…”

I knew better than to say anything. The game continued on without anymore tomfoolery from Gummy, but I think Pinkie might have been misinterpreting his orders on purpose. At the end of the first game, I was essentially mounting her from the positions we were both in. Then ‘Gummy’ called a weird thing and my front half fell, pinning her down. When I used my wings to push myself back, she seemed rather disappointed. And oddly enough, the wings felt… very stiff after that.

The end of the second game once more put her under me, but this time she was facing the other way. So she was getting a face full of my sheathed junk while I was stuck smelling her upraised tail. For some reason, I started feeling a… reaction while in that position. A very localized reaction in an area I did not at all want one. So I threw that game, slipping on purpose to get away from her for a few seconds.

“What’s wrong?” she asked with a giggle as I very quickly made my way away from her.

“J-just… tired,” I replied, holding my legs closed in an attempt to hide a certain something. “The girls woke me up early…”

I don’t think she bought what I said for a minute, but she just said, “One more game?”

“Can we take a break instead?” I asked. “Just want to hang my head out the window for a minute or two. It’s uh… a little hot in here.”

The smile on her face turned… sly is the closest word I can think of, and she started slowly advancing. “It’s getting hot… or you’re getting hot?” she asked, her voice getting low.

That was a sign to me that things were getting out of hand. I started backing up, my ears twitching. “I… This room is sweltering,” I stammered, trying to stay away from the mare as her eyes drooped to half-lidded.

When I bumped into the wall behind me, I felt the window right there. So I swung around, accidentally swatting her face with my tail because she was so close, and pushed the unlatched window open to let some cool, fresh air in. Thank God, some of that smell is gone… Hm, and it’s getting dark out.

My body sagged as I got a nice breath of the fresh air, some of the light-headedness escaping. “So you ready to play more games?” she happily asked.

When I looked back, she was once again across the room, all the scary smiles and looks gone. “I suppose,” I said, taking a moment to pop my neck. “Can we just… leave the window open?”

“Okay! Now the next game is pin the tail on the pony.”

“...Really?” I sighed.

“Yep! It’s so much fun! I’ll go first to show you how it’s done.”

“By all means,” I said with a nod, watching as she walked to the center of the room to put on a blindfold. When it was on, she picked up a pin with a fluffy tail attached and started spinning. After a few seconds, she stopped and stood, wobbling in place until she wasn’t dizzy anymore.

Then she started walking, not getting close to the target at all. “Am I hot or cold?” she asked around the pin.

“Frigid,” I replied. She spun toward my voice and started walking toward me. “Even colder. You’re getting close to absolute zero.” She stopped and turned some more, to face another direction. “Warmer.” She began walking in that direction, turning as she did so. “Lukewarm. Markwarm. Matthewwarm. Just about… And you’re lava. Congratulations.”

She managed to pin right next to the horse’s ass, but it was a little low. When she pulled the blindfold off, she reared up to clop her hooves before turning to me. “Your turn!”

“Do I really have to? It looks… dull,” I said, trying to put some of the distaste I felt into words.

“It’s more fun than it looks,” she replied, skipping over to me. “Now just close that window and put this on.” She handed me the blindfold and I walked to the center of the room, not closing the window. She did it for me anyway, though I would have preferred it stay open. Anyway, the blindfold went on. “And here’s the pin,” she said, pushing something in my mouth.

It felt a lot heavier than the pin she used looked, but I was also holding it with my mouth instead of a hand. When I heard her back away, I began spinning, already regretting my decision to play along. I didn’t do that many, since I didn’t want to be too dizzy since I could already barely walk. After a moment to recover, I began slowly walking forward.

“Pretty chilly,” she said. I stopped and aimed a different direction. “Hm, a little warmer. But you’re still wearing a jacket.” I kept turning, not really liking the game at all. “Start walking,” she giggled. I did, moving slowly since her room wasn’t that big and I didn’t want to slam into anything. I continued turning as I walked, though, and noticed that the smell was getting thicker and thicker as I went on. It seemed to… pull me closer, making me feel more alive. Christ, what is that?

Soon it was almost unbearable, so I stopped. “Am I close?” I mumbled around the pin.

“So hot,” she breathed, her voice barely above a whisper. And… it sounded like she was right in front of me.

Right as I took another step forward, the door opened and Rarity’s voice practically yelled, “Pinkie!” The strange smell almost immediately disappeared, making my entire body sag. The pin in my mouth was ripped out and I heard Rarity gasp as she was dragged in, the door slamming shut.

I pulled the blindfold off and took a moment to notice that I was nowhere near the pony poster before turning to Pinkie. “I wasn’t anywhere near the pony thing. Why did you say I was hot?” Rarity looked completely mortified and Pinkie was wearing an embarrassed grin. “And… why did that tail thing feel really heavy?”

Rarity turned to glare at Pinkie. She opened her mouth to say something unpleasant, but Pinkie suddenly blurted, “IneedtotalktoRarity!” before grabbing me and shoving me into the bathroom. She pulled the door shut before I could say anything.

Since I was trapped in there, I took some time to run some water to try to clear my mind again. God, why do I feel so… strange? What the fuck is happening? And can I escape before Pinkie actually manages to bed me?

Since I didn’t see any signs of me getting out of the bathroom quickly, I took a moment to study the little room. There wasn’t really much to look at; it was a typical bathroom. One item of interest, however, was the calendar. There was a weeklong event on it, but all it said was ‘Season’, written in pink. It was the sixth day of it, whatever that meant.

When I used my wing to flip through some more of it, I saw a fuckton of birthdays mark and for some reason, that ‘season’ event happened once every month, though it shrank in winter and grew in spring. That gave me a small hint of what was going on, but I didn’t realize just how much trouble I was in until it was far too late…

Not long after I gave up on studying the calendar, Pinkie retrieved me from the bathroom. “Rarity decided to play with us!” she said with a smile. For some reason, she was now wearing a bright pink rose over her ear, all the thorns picked from its stem.

“Ah… yes!” Rarity said. She also had a rose, a white one. “A nice chunk of time opened in my schedule and I believe I have time for a few… games.”

Thank God. Someone as a buffer from Pinkie. “So what’s next?” I asked, rolling my shoulders.

“Truth or dare!” Pinkie happily announced. Oh fuck me. From the grin on her face, I had a feeling that thought might be coming true. “Since there’s only three of us, it’ll be truth or dare, spin the bottle edition! Whoever it lands on gets truth or dare’d. If it lands on the spinner, he or she gets a dare from the other two.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Rarity said. “Who spins first?”

“Since you’re the new guest, you get to go first,” Pinkie said, pulling a bottle out of a place I don’t want to think about. She set it on the floor and we crowded around it, though lord knows I wish I didn’t have to.

Rarity reached a hoof out and span the thing. It landed on Pinkie. “Dare!” the party mare said before Rarity could even ask.

“Hmm… I dare you to hug Princess Celestia the next time you see her,” Rarity said with a smile.

“Okay! She always looked like she needed one anyway. My turn.” She spun the bottle and it soon pointed right at me. “Truth or dare, Nav.”

“Truth.”

“How do you like being a pony?” she immediately asked.

“Hating almost every minute of it,” I replied with a shrug. I reached for the bottle, but she slapped my hoof down.

“Tell the truth!”

“I did,” I said, rubbing the hoof for some reason. “I don’t like being like this. This entire shape is just… bad for me. And that smell is starting to worm its way into my mind.” This time, I spun the bottle before she could slap me away. It landed on Pinkie.

“Dare!” she said again.

“Uh… I don’t know, I dare you to kiss Gummy.” She seemed to get really excited about the kissing part until I said Gummy. Then her body sagged and she snatched the alligator up to give him a rather lackluster kiss.

Then she spun the bottle and it landed on Rarity, who smiled and said, “Dare,” with a shrug.

“I dare you to kiss Nav!” Pinkie happily said.

“What?” I asked, my eyes going wide.

“You heard her,” Rarity said, grabbing my head with both of her hooves and pulling me in for a quick, relatively painless kiss. Thankfully, she didn’t make it a frenchy. “That wasn’t too painful, I trust,” she said when she pulled away. I just sighed as she spun the bottle. It landed on me.

“Truth,” I said again.

“Are you just going to say truth all night?” Rarity asked in a disapproving tone.

“That’s the plan,” I replied with a smile, reaching for the bottle. It landed on me. Oh God dammit.

They both smirked. Rarity said, “The two of us prepared a small present for you, Nav,” she said, pulling the rose down from her ear. “So our dare is simple. Smell these roses.” Pinkie pulled hers down as well and they both shoved them up to me.

Oh thank you… “Easy,” I said with a smile, leaning in to sniff them. The smell was… strong. Ridiculously strong. Each of them smelled of that horrible… wonderful musk that had been haunting me since I got to Ponyville. And as I got a fully concentrated dose of it, a single thought resounded in my mind.

A want… A need… for mares. Specifically, the two in front of me.

“Well?” Rarity asked, a coy smile on her face. By way of answer, I snatched the two roses in my mouth, chewing them and letting my eyes close at the glorious feel of lust that washed over me. “Oh my…”

As soon as Pinkie saw the look in my eyes, she pounced over the bottle and pushed her face into mine. The rational part of my mind was gone at that point, consumed wholly by a need for the two of them. And since Pinkie was currently closer, she was the one I focused my attentions on.

Despite knowing on a base level that I didn’t have any experience, my body seemed to know exactly what to do. My front legs wrapped around her head and neck, pulling her tight against me as she freely explored my mouth with her tongue. After some very pleasant time of doing that, I stood, pulling her up with me.

It seemed Pinkie was planning on something like that to happen, because she made sure we were near the bed. I was easily able to toss her onto it even with my shitty hooves. She flew over to it, squealing, “Whee!” When she landed, the bed made a gentle pomf noise. “What are we gonna do on the bed, Navi?” she asked, giggling.

“There’s no need to play dumb,” Rarity said, quickly joining her as I approached, my nostrils flaring slightly. “It seems he finally accepted our offer.”

My brain heard their words, but just discarded them, viewing them as pointless background noise. I was finally at the animalistic point where I could smell the differences between the two. Rarity was in season, but she wasn’t as deep into as Pinkie was. So I tuned her out as pointless for the moment, throwing myself at Pinkie.

And that’s the last thing I remember.

I woke up with a blinding headache and no fucking clue where I was. A groan erupted from my mouth and I tried to lift a hand to my head. That was rendered impossible for two reasons. One, I didn’t have hands at the moment. Two, both of my hooves were trapped under something to either side of me.

“God, what happened?” I mumbled, opening my eyes and looking to the left. The most horrifying sight I ever saw greeted me: Pinkie’s happily sleeping form. I jerked back from her and bumped into something warm and soft that I saw was the second most horrifying thing I ever saw: Rarity’s merrily slumbering body.

And then I felt the ache in my crotch that gave me an all-too-real hint of what happened the previous night. My little freakout woke both of them up and ended with me locked inside the bathroom. “What the hell did you do to me?” I yelled through the door.

“What do you mean?” Rarity asked, trying to be comforting. “You were all over both of us last night!”

“Like hell! You know I’m not attracted to horses! What the hell did you two do?!”

“Nav, you’re not just feeling after-sex regrets, are you?” Rarity asked. “We’re all adults here. We’d understand.”

“No! There’s no way in hell I would have ever slept with you. Just what the hell did you do?”

“Um, Rarity…?” Pinkie slowly and quietly said.

“Yes, dear?” Rarity sighed, pulling slightly away from the door.

“...You know how most pony towns are usually either majority stallion or majority mare?”

“Yes, Pinkie. Everypony knows about the phero—Oh Celestia…”

“What?” I asked through the door. “What did you two do?!”

“Navarone, I want you to promise me that you’ll hear me out,” Rarity said. “Just… listen. Please.” She sounded rather distraught, but I was still wary.

“No promises. Start talking.”

“Mares go through a period every month called estrus and—” It instantly clicked, thanks to all the time I spent on my family’s small farm.

“Oh my God, you used pheromones against me!”

“Well… yes, but—”

“But nothing! That’s like using a drug on someone! You fucking raped me!”

“Let me finish!” I was beyond incensed at that point and if I didn’t figure they could both immediately overpower me if I rushed the door, I would have left immediately. “We… didn’t even think about it, Nav.” Pinkie nervously coughed behind her and she added, “Well, I didn’t think about it! When mares go into heat and they find a stallion they would like to… spend some time with, there’s a certain custom in Ponyville involving rubbing roses in certain places.”

“That’s disgusting,” I broke in.

“Yes, it is,” she agreed. “But it’s a custom. It never even occurred to either of us that you wouldn’t know it! Or that you would react like you did. We both just thought… you finally decided you were okay with ponies.”

“I lost my fucking mind!” I yelled. “The last thing I can even remember is smelling some roses!”

“Well… I can assure you that you enjoyed it,” Rarity weakly said.

“That doesn’t make me feel any better, you stupid bitch!” I shouted.

“But… you were happy!” Pinkie said. “I saw you smiling…”

“Pinkie, you brought me to your house to fucking seduce me! Don’t think I didn’t figure it out, not with how you were acting. With every reaction I made up to the point where you gave me those disgusting flowers, how could you even think I wanted to fuck you?”

“I thought… you were playing hard to get…” she whimpered.

“Nobody does that!” I yelled.

“Not true, actually,” Rarity said, as if trying to placate me. “I admit to having done it a few times…”

“Guys don’t do that! Just stupid chicks that think it’s sexy!”

“...That’s true,” Rarity said. There was a light thump on the door. “Oh Celestia, what have we done?” she mumbled. I didn’t think I needed to answer that. After a few seconds, she said, “Navarone, Pinkie and I are going to leave the building. You are free to come out whenever you want. Should you ever want to… discuss what happened, just let either of us know. For what it’s worth… I didn’t even think about the pheromones and what they might do to somepony not used to them.” Once again, I didn’t reply. A few seconds later, I heard them both leave.

I just fell flat onto the floor, wondering what the hell I could do. They took advantage of me and raped me, but at least one of them seemed relatively ignorant about it. Oh God…

I’m not sure how long I was on that bathroom floor, but eventually I forced my way to my feet and departed, leaving the boutique behind in a daze. I don’t even remember getting here… I wandered to the library, getting a ton of looks from the townsponies as I walked. Can they… smell it? Ugh, fucking animals!

When I got to my destination, I just walked right past Twilight and her questions and went straight to the shower, sitting under the stream for what felt like hours, just… thinking.

It took me forever to get out of bed the next day. The only reason I ever did leave it is because the horse-version of Twilight excitedly forced her way in. “Princess Luna’s here, Nav!” she happily said. “And she can turn us back!” That was enough for me to get my horribly conflicted and mopey ass out of bed. “Nav, you look… horrible. What happened?”

“...Nothing,” I said, not meeting her gaze. “Where’s Luna?”

“She’s in the study. And she asked to speak to you alone, but I don’t know why. I’m sure everypony will just love to celebrate now that we can be back to normal!”

“I’m gonna hold off on that,” I sighed, walking past her and down to where the princess of the night awaited me.

She smiled when she saw me, a smile that I was honestly unable to match even though it was nice to see her again. “You look… quite handsome, Navarone,” she said, approaching me. When she got close enough, a newly familiar smell twinged at my mind and I stared at her in horror, my ears drooping against my head. “...What’s wrong?”

“I can smell it,” I whispered, involuntarily taking a step backwards. “Turn me back.”

She stopped moving forward, but she made no motion to turn me back. “Are you sure you want to turn back?” she asked. “While this change is not one way, meaning you can become a pony again should you desire, you would find acceptance and likely happiness much easier as a pony than you would as a human.”

“I would never willingly betray my humanity,” I said, a tinge of harshness entering my voice. “And I have no desire to be in such an inferior body. Especially one that can be ruled with animalistic instincts. Turn me back.”

“All forms of life are at first governed by instincts, Navarone,” she replied. “And this body is new to you. If you gave it time, you would find the resisting is easier. There are many positions one of your… temperament would find acceptable. Bodyguard. Actor.” Her tail flicked, as though smacking at something, and she added one more with a smile, “Consort.”

“Not interested in any of those. Turn me back. Quickly, please. I was able to tell you were in heat the second I stepped through that door and it’s just getting worse.”

“So… forward!” she giggled with a blush. “Stallions in my time were not like that. More circumspect. More fearful.”

“Are you going to turn me back or not?” I forced through clenched teeth, getting more and more pissed that she was toying with me.

“Yes, I will. But I have a warning, first. Some parts of your transformation may not be… complete.”

“Meaning?”

“Your wings, Navarone. They will still be there when I turn you back.”

“What? That’s retarded! Why the hell would I have wings? I’m no angel!”

She sighed and looked away, thinking of how to explain it. Finally she said, “What happened to you and Twilight was an explosion of chaotic magic energies. When magic is forced into a spell for the first time, it is torn from the raw magic energies of the world, which are naturally chaotic. When that unicorn attempted to make a spell, what she was doing was forging a new spell from chaos. That spell failed, sending all the magic she was forging exploding outwards. The effects were random and could have been anything. I believe that since you and Twilight were standing so close, it just forced a similar change onto both of you. She got your humanity but retained some of her ponyness, her horn. You got her ponyness, but since she kept her horn, you gained something new. I know it doesn’t make sense, but magic is… strange. Especially raw magic like that.”

“That’s absolutely fucking retarded. Just turn me back and get some bolt cutters. I’ll fix that problem up immediately.”

“What?!” She was so shocked that she almost reverted back to her Royal Canterlot Voice.

“I was joking! Jesus! Just turn me back.”

She huffed somewhat angrily. “You should never joke about self-mutilation,” she replied, beginning to step closer to me. “Hold still. This will be jarring.”

I closed my eyes when she got right in front of me, ready to finally be back to normal. After a few seconds, the deed was done and I was once again in my pristine human form.

Mostly pristine… A large pair of white, feathery wings sprouted from my back in what I immediately knew would be an uncomfortable position. “Finally,” I sighed, falling to my knees.

Luna was looking down on me strangely. “Hm. Twilight did not mention in her reports that humans lacked sheaths. Or are you just excited to see me?”

“While I refuse to deny the second, we don’t have sheaths,” I said, standing and walking over to where Twilight left my pants when she was turned back. I could feel Luna’s eyes watching me as I put them on. “Why? You see something you like?” I asked as I turned back to face her, finally wearing pants.

“It is… interesting to see something that displays itself so openly,” she said with a small smile. “Though I won’t deny it either…”

“The most I’ll offer is a hug for turning me back. God, I couldn’t stay in that horrible body for any longer.”

“Of course, there are spells to reduce the impact our pheromones have upon stallions. But I did not think they would be needed upon one with such… vaunted human reasoning, as I believe you’ve put it before.” The way she said that sounded mocking and rage exploded in my mind before I forced it down, deciding it unwise to pick a fight with a princess.

“Whatever. I’m sure you have things to do, so I won’t keep you busy.”

And just like that, it seemed like she regretted her words. But a princess never apologizes, or at least not this one. “I actually have little to do, now,” she said, almost bitterly. “My sister took it upon herself to investigate the mysterious fire caused in an old fortress long since abandoned. Since it was a magical fluctuation that appeared to have caused it, she had to go herself. I can only imagine her surprise when I tell her what Twilight told me about the competition.”

“I’m sure she’ll be pleased to find she wasted a week. You know, I’m going to have to meet her one of these days. Everyone seems to paint her as the worst tyrant there ever was, but I want to find out for myself.”

“Hm… I might arrange a trip to Canterlot for you, then. Would it please you to escape from Ponyville for a time?”

“I’ll… think about it, I suppose,” I slowly replied, trying to think of a nice way of telling her hell no. Sure, getting away from Ponyville would be awesome, especially after getting fucking raped, but going to a city as famously pompous and stuffy as Canterlot? Ugh.

“Take your time in thinking,” she said with a shrug. “My sister is a busy mare and this week-long break will put her behind for some time.” She looked away suddenly and I saw her jaw moving. It took me a second to realize she was stifling a yawn.

“You’re usually asleep right now, aren’t you?” I asked.

“Yes. But Twilight informed me that you were growing quite morose, so I decided to come as soon as I found the spell rather than wait for night to fall. I fear I have gotten little sleep in the past few days.”

“Then I won’t keep you here any longer. Thank you for helping me, Luna. I honestly would have killed myself if I was stuck like that.”

“That is… horrible. How could you say that in such a blasé manner?”

“The place I grew up was very different,” I replied with a shrug. “But you should go on to bed, Luna.”

“...Yes. But not without collecting that hug you promised. For both our sakes, I believe.”

“I don’t remember actually promising one…”

She rolled her eyes and her horn lit up, grabbing me from where I stood and pulling me into her. When she had me in the perfect position, she struck, ensnaring me with both hooves and wings. And since I wasn’t currently wearing a shirt, I got to feel how truly soft these damn ponies really are. Turns out, they’re extremely soft. Or at least, the large and rich ones like Luna are.

“There,” she finally said, pulling away. “I will see you later, Navarone. For now, I am going to bed.” She teleported off before I could answer. Strangely, it seemed that her wings were still outstretched as she departed.

Speaking of wings… I looked over my shoulder at mine. “Well… now what?” I sighed, suddenly aware of my desecration.

Survive, I suppose, a thought in the back of my mind said. It’s all you’ve ever done.

Sometimes it’s all a man can do.

Chapter Seven—Mailmares, dancing, and Cutie Marks

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SGMgNEerBUOFTYyqRFMyIEeShH6ZmHPXEHQ_05fxGW8/edit

None of the ponies in Ponyville commented on my new wings, aside from Twilight and her friends. Apparently most ponies just sort of do their best to look around me when they see me. Not rude, of course, but not polite either. They knew I wasn’t of their world and didn’t want anything to do with me. At least they weren’t dicks about it, and were actually willing to talk to me if I asked them something.

And as it turned out, Rarity was able to modify my clothing so that it would fit with my wings. Twilight had to actually ask her to come by the library after I managed to come up with several excuses to avoid her shop, and it was a shock to find her rummaging around in my clothing when I got back from wandering around the area outside of town.

I was turning on my heel to head back out when she looked up.

“Nav, wait!”

Yeah, I wasn’t about to wait for shit. The only thing that stopped me was her magic tugging on my wings. I tried to continue walking anyway, but fuck are wings annoying.

“Will you at least look at me?”

“And what would I see? A rapist? I think I’ll pass.”

“Anger or not, I will attempt to make amends until you can forgive me. I shall start by amending your clothing to match your new… additions.” I didn’t reply and after waiting in silence for a few seconds, she released me. Out the door I went without looking back.

On an unrelated note, the forced vegetarian diet I was on was getting on my nerves. Yes, it’s pretty healthy. And yes, the ponies have some excellent cooks that know how to do some wonderful things with plants and tofu. But I was really, really craving a steak, or some beef jerky, or just anything, really.

With that in mind and Rarity in my dresser, I grabbed my crossbow—I was getting much better with it, now that I actually had a chance to do some practicing—and started off towards the forest that all the ponies seemed to fear.

Now, I’m not a professional hunter or anything, but I have killed deer in the past. I’ve also seen them skinned, though I’ve never done it myself. But I was hungry, dammit, and a cookout sounded good. Fluttershy lived close enough to the woods that I could borrow some fire making device from her to start a blaze to cook whatever I killed on. What’s the worst that could happen?

Two hours later, I was really, really thinking about changing my policy on ideas that I preface with ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’. Manticores absolutely do not like people encroaching on their hunting grounds.

Coincidentally, I found out why all the ponies are afraid of the forest. There are some really terrible things living there. I saw all manners of nasties that I almost shot, but then tried to imagine myself eating them and said fuck it.

Where was I? Oh yes, getting chased by a pissed off manticore. I don’t suggest it; they are very, very fast. The only thing that saved me was the fact that we were in a forest so it couldn’t go full tilt after me. Despite that, there were way, way too many close calls for my liking. Several trees I ducked around were destroyed with very sharp claws, and occasionally some manner of animal instinct caused me to suddenly jump ahead, only to hear a short pounce and a very annoyed cat-like yowl right behind me.

It was discomforting, to say the least.

At that point, I don’t even know where I was trying to go. I was just running like crazy, through all manner of odd environs. There were a few openings full of flowers that I avoided, not wanting to give the critter any kind of advantage of level terrain. I saw a mountain stretching in the distance at one point, but I did my best to keep away from it; wings wouldn’t do me any good against something that was born with its own set. There was even a swamp peeking through the trees at one point that I turned away from almost immediately; a swamp wouldn’t do either of us any good.

Knowing that most animals in this place are at least sentient, even if unable to talk, I tried reasoning with the fellow as I ran. “This is all just a misunderstanding! I’m just an explorer! Why are you trying to attack me?”

The only response I got was a very agitated roar. Man, maybe I should have just shot this bastard. I decided then to do just that, whenever I got the chance.

A chance that came sooner than I expected. The thought had barely left my mind when I hit the edge of the forest. I sprinted on a few more meters and almost tripped; I was so used to jumping over roots and whatnot that when no more came I was surprised. I knew I had seconds to react, so I did my best to load the crossbow as fast as I could and bring it to bear.

I just barely managed to get it aimed, just in time for a very loud “No!” to disturb my aim and send the bolt skittering through the forest. If the manticore also hadn’t been stopped by that cry I would have been completely boned. As it was, I managed to force my weary legs to jump high enough for my wings to take effect, and tried to get as far away as possible from that bastard before I looked to see who it was that almost got me killed.

Of course, it would be Fluttershy. That chick likes animals way, way too much. “Any reason you’re trying to get me killed?” I yelled down at her.

Instead of answering me, though, she flew over to the manticore and said some words to him. He sent a very rage-filled glance my way, snorted out a loud harrumph, and stalked back into the forest. I gingerly landed on my weak legs and waited for some manner of explanation.

“We know each other,” Fluttershy said with a small smile. “What were you doing in the forest, anyway?” That was said with a look at my crossbow.

“Exploring. That place is not fun. I don’t suggest it as a vacation spot.”

“You know, most of the paths are pretty safe; Zecora has some kind of agreement with some of the animals there to keep off the roads.”

“Apparently that doesn’t apply to that manticore; he was on a road when I ran into him.”

“Yeah, her agreement doesn’t hold with everything there… But if you do go back into there, try not to lead any of the animals too far out. We all prefer them in the woods.”

“I was about to attempt to kill this one when you interrupted my shot. If nothing else I would have given him a scar to tell stories about.”

“That wouldn’t have been a good idea…” she quietly said, looking back into the forest.

“I’d rather go down with a fight than go down begging. At least if I had hit an eye it would have been a pyrrhic victory for him.”

“That just doesn’t seem like a good idea. Wouldn’t it be better to try to befriend him?”

“As far as I’m concerned, by the time you’re running for your life, it’s too late to become friends. Especially since he disregarded my attempt at peacemaking.”

“Maybe he was just hungry!”

“That wouldn’t make me feel any better about getting eaten.”

“Well, everypony needs to eat…”

“If you’re really worried about his eating habits, a pony would make a better meal than a human.”

“Oh, no, he likes me too much to eat me!”

“Shame. I wouldn’t mind asking him to carve off a flank for me, on the side.”

“…You wouldn’t eat a pony!”

“Yeah, he probably wouldn’t share…” I honestly don’t know if she could tell if I was joking or not. I don’t know if I was, either. I’ve heard a lot of good things about horse meat, but I don’t know if that would transfer here. Besides, eating a friend would be awkward, and explaining that to Twilight would be hard.

After a few seconds of thought, she apparently decided I actually was joking. “Were you planning on going back into the forest? I was going to visit Zecora, and I wouldn’t mind the company.”

“Sure, I suppose.” I didn’t particularly want to go back into that hellhole, but there was a good chance Rarity was still mulling over my clothing and Fluttershy really didn’t like going into those woods alone. For good reason. Besides, it’s not like I had anything else to do. I cocked the crossbow again, just in case, and we set off into the forest.

While we were walking, I tried dabbing at some of the cuts I took across my body in my mad dash through the trees. Despite the chill, I still wasn’t wearing a shirt, and you run into all manner of nasty things out there when you aren’t paying too much attention to where you’re going. I was bleeding in several places across my chest and my arms were really messed up. My legs fared a little better, but I could feel blood crusting in my leg hair. It was pretty nasty, but it wouldn’t be enough to slow me down; I heal fast, and I’ve never gotten any infections. Still, I made a mental note to ask Zecora for some manner of healing poultice, or at least a bucket of water to wash the crust off.

I wasn’t entirely reassured by Fluttershy’s insistence that the roads were safe, so I found myself jumping at any sounds in the woods around us, dropping the conversation and my attempts to clean myself to aim at it and try to determine what it was. After that happened a few times, Fluttershy politely and very hesitantly asked me to knock it off, though not using those words. I relaxed a little.

Our conversation was fairly routine. Just past experiences, stuff she had done with her animals and her friends, with me attempting to find any of my past experiences to add to hers that she would approve of. That list was relatively short since I fucking hated animals. Being an unwilling farmer gives you an irrational hate for some things.

Then she started asking about my week as a pony.

“How was your dancing lesson with Pinkie Pie?”

Which one, legal or not? was my first thought. Knowing what she meant, though, I said, “The showgirl outfit was unexpected. Why does she even have something like that?”

“She still has that? She got it from a place called Appaloosa a little while ago, while we were visiting some of Applejack’s family. She used it in a… strange dance number there…”

“I can certainly see why that would be strange,” I muttered. I don’t know if Fluttershy heard me, but I thought I saw her smile.

“Was she a good teacher, at least?”

“Surprisingly, yes. I didn’t think she could be serious long enough, but she somehow managed. She also made it somewhat fun, which I also didn’t think was possible. I was never much a fan of dancing, back when I had to learn. I’m not the best at it, mind, and it’s still not my preferred hobby, but I’m better able to tolerate it now. Why? Thinking about learning yourself?”

“Oh, no. I’m much too uncoordinated for that…”

“…You were a model for weeks because of how graceful you were.”

“I… I also don’t have a partner.” That was almost whispered.

“Yes, I could see that being a bit of a problem. But I’m sure Pinkie Pie could teach you anyway, as the lead.”

She looked down, and said, “Probably.”

Thinking back… Nah. It’s Fluttershy. Why would she be interested in me?

The rest of the walk to Zecora’s passed with little incident, though I did almost shoot a squirrel when he jumped out on the path. As soon as it saw me, the poor bastard squealed and dashed back into the forest. At least I didn’t waste a bolt…

“Hello Fluttershy, Navarone. What brings you to my humble home? It appears you are covered in dings. Oh my, and when did you grow those wings?” That last directed to me, I hope.

“A week or so ago,” I replied. “Think you can do anything about them, aside from chopping them off?”

“Cutting them is all I could do. You would not want that, would you?”

I was actually seriously considering it, honestly. Those damn things jutting out of my back had been nothing but a fucking pain ever since they showed up. Leaning back was hard, sleeping on my back was impossible, and flying wasn’t something I really cared to do anyway.

However, Fluttershy saw the look on my face and took it upon herself to comment. “No! Nav, you can’t do that! It’s… just awful!”

“Better gone than giving me pain. But whatever; we’re not actually here for that. I’m just along for the walk. Feel free to talk to her, Fluttershy.” She didn’t seem so willing to drop the point, but she always was a meek one. So instead of pressing it, she turned to Zecora.

It was made rather quickly apparent—politely, of course—that my presence was not wanted. No one said I had to leave, of course, but I thought it best if I took a look outside. I excused myself, thinking about hiding in the woods and stalking Fluttershy on the way back to spook her. I decided not to, of course, but the thought was there…

Zecora had given me a bucket of water and a washcloth to clean the blood off with and I was doing that when I heard a rustle near the edge of the woods. Before my mind could fully comprehend what it was doing, I was aiming at the sound with my finger on the trigger. At that point I was very glad at some of the minor modifications I had done to the crossbow, including a set of iron sights to make sure I know where to aim it and a guard to make sure the bolt goes in and goes out only when I want it to.

Good thing I automatically aimed, too; it was a cockatrice. However, it did not seem to be one that was hostile. It actually came out with its… arms, I guess, held up. The thing even had its eyes closed. I backed up to the house, keeping my eyes on the critter, and hammered the door with my elbow. “Fluttershy, I found a friend of yours…”

I wish I could say they came out to see a Mexican standoff going down, but in reality it was more me pointing a crossbow at something that obviously didn’t want to have to defend itself. “What’s going on?” Fluttershy asked, before seeing the cockatrice.

“Don’t know. I reckon your buddy there wants some kind of help or something. I vote we tell it to fuck off.” Or let me shoot it…

“He might have a hurt friend, though! We can’t just let it suffer!”

“…Why not? Look, it’s getting dark and we still have to get out of the woods. Do you really want to be wandering around this place in the dark?”

“If it means helping an animal, I will! And if you’re too afraid to go with me, then I’ll go alone.”

“Like hell you will. I think you’re a fool for it, but never let it be said I don’t stick my neck out for friends. Probably makes me a fool too, though. Too nice for your own damn good.”

Zecora, who had been silent up to that point, said “It is dark out there in the night. Allow me to bring you a light.” With that, she walked back into her hut and brought out what looked like some glow sticks or something.

“While you’re bringing us party supplies, you got any ecstasy stored in there?” I asked. “I wouldn’t mind dropping some E while wandering around here.” She didn’t know what to say to that, so I dropped it. With that, though, we were off, wandering off the path through some god-forsaken woods.

It was not a pleasant walk. I had managed to wash most of the blood off while waiting, but some of the scratches were burning. The light from the glow sticks was eerie, casting an unholy radiance about us, sending shadows skittering in my peripheral vision, making me think we were constantly surrounded. And there were plenty of hazards to worry about underfoot as well: roots, bugs, the occasional snake that didn’t bite but rather got in your way and twisted under your feet. Low hanging branches, spider webs, and all manner of things were in our way.

I was pissed at that damn cockatrice. And we had to follow him for a good clip into the woods, too.

And all that work just to save a damn pegasus that flew way off course. She was knocked out cold and had some blood crusted on one of her wings. The poor girl was alive, though, which was better than nothing. So I guess it was probably a good thing that I didn’t shoot the cockatrice, but whatever.

It’s also a good thing I didn’t let Fluttershy go alone, because there’s no way in hell she could have carried the pony into town by herself. She wouldn’t let me just tie a few vines to drag her with, so we had to figure out a way to carry her between us. It was interesting.

We eventually just broke some saplings down, strapped the pegasus to them with some vines, and used that as a makeshift stretcher. It wasn’t pretty and it barely worked, but I know some rednecks back home that would be proud. Then they would ask why I wasn’t having sex with the horse next to me.

Rednecks are weird.

Anyway, the cockatrice wandered off after pointing us in the right direction; he probably figured whatever debt he owed to Fluttershy was gone after he helped us save the pegasus. Good enough for me; I just didn’t want to get lost—even more lost—in that forest. Still, my chances were pretty good, between the master animal trainer with me and my crossbow. If all else failed, there was a decent chance I could run off while whatever it was ate the wounded pegasus we were carrying. Yeah, I’m a bad person, I know.

Thankfully, though, the need never came up. We successfully made it out of the woods with little more than a few extra scratches on my part and several burs covering Fluttershy. And what I assume to be a tick that was on me that got scraped off when we got to the doctor.

On the way out of the forest, I learned it was a good thing I had avoided those large clearings full of flowers. Fluttershy described their effects. Basically, they do to you whatever the most embarrassing thing you can think of would be. I don’t even want to think about what they’d do to me. Probably turn me back into a pony and… Never mind.

The doctor we found was rather professional and he was grateful that we managed to bring a waylaid flier in. After getting her stabilized, he looked us both over, professionally sterilizing all my cuts (which hurt like hell) and dealt with the tick. I was fighting fit, if weary.

While he was checking over Fluttershy, I unloaded the crossbow and decocked it, then quietly made my way out. I ghosted my way to Twilight’s house, even though no one was out; the town was pretty well dark and empty by that time, but all the same, I didn’t want to risk running into anyone.

And then I found my bed occupied by a sleeping Pinkie Pie. I didn’t even want to deal with that shit right then, so I just backed my way out of the room, opened a window, and slept out in the tree.

When I woke up the next morning, I remembered why I never, ever did that anymore: Every muscle in my body was complaining at me. And all the cuts I had were itching. Then I rolled over, not remembering that I was still in a tree. Of course, I plummeted down, landing right next to Pinkie Pie, who had just walked out the door.

“Nice of you to dr—”

“If you finish that, I’m going to hurt you,” I groaned. I did a quick physical check, thankfully finding that while nothing seemed to be broken, one of the larger cuts had torn open again. I then staggered to my feet, trying to get inside before Pinkie Pie could remember why she wanted to see me. Almost, but no dice…

“I was waiting up for you last night, Nav. Why didn’t you ever come back?”

“I did. There was someone sleeping in my bed, so I went elsewhere to sleep.”

“Somepony sleeping in your bed? I didn’t see anypony there last night!”

“She was very pink.”

“Somepony masquerading as me, sleeping in somepony else’s bed? Sounds like an impostor is trying to ruin my good name!”

“Good name? Feh. And you’re certain that person in my bed wasn’t you?”

“Oh, yeah, I was there too. I thought you meant some other pony!”

“Interesting. Well, I’m sure you had a good reason for it.” With that, I turned back to the door. Before I could scuttle inside, I was answered.

“I did, actually. Where are you going?” To get away from you is what I was thinking, and I was tempted to answer something about the blood, but instead I just waved her to continue. God, I need some coffee... “Why did you become a human again? I thought we had plans!”

“If you’re talking about the whole you raping me thing, I don’t really think that counts.”

“That isn’t what I was talking about at all! I’m talking about the dance studio!” I’m starting to get tired of this conversation very quickly.

“That dance thing? I said I’d think about it. I did. I decided against it.”

“You didn’t like it?”

“I’m not that much of a fan of dancing,” I flatly said. “I thought we went over this.”

“I was hoping…” She sighed before shrugging, a smile returning to her face. “So why are you covered in bandages?”

Is this bitch serious? My eyes narrowed in anger, but she didn’t seem to notice a thing. God fucking damn, I hate Pinkie sometimes. “I went exploring in the forest yesterday. It didn’t go well. I got chased by a manticore, had to be saved by Fluttershy, and then was forced to go on a hunt in the dark for a downed pegasus. It was a long day, full of thorns and trips.”

“Is the pegasus okay?”

“Fuck if I know. She was fine when we left her with the doctor last night. She’s probably still there if you really want to find out.”

“Don’t you want to know?” she asked.

“Not really. I kind of want to see if Rarity ever finished modifying my clothes, so I can get a shirt on over these damn bandages.” I turned again to go inside, only to find myself getting dragged by my wings. Yet another disadvantage to them. “I take it I don’t have much of a choice in the matter, do I?” But I swear to whatever god might be listening, if we start getting anywhere near Sugarcube Corner or Rarity’s pad, I’m cutting the fucking wings off to escape.

Answering would have required spitting my wing out and letting me get away, so she just plodded on. I sighed. We got a few odd looks from other ponies, but they all knew Pinkie Pie by now and they generally tried to avoid questioning anything that I was involved in.

Thankfully, the doctor wasn’t that far from Twilight’s house. I decided that while I was there, I could get him to check me over after falling out of the tree anyway.

The nurse sitting in front of the waiting room saw me get dragged in and remarked, “Usually the only ponies that get dragged in here are here for pregnancy tests…”

“If Pinkie is fucking pregnant and I’m somehow the father, she better hold on to my wings tight before I slip away and hide for the rest of my life.”

Pinkie Pie finally spit my wing out. “We’re just here to visit that pegasus he brought in last night.”

“No, you’re here for that,” I said. “I’m here because I was literally dragged here. And while I am here, do you think you could get someone to look at some of my cuts? And make sure I didn’t break anything when I fell out of the tree?”

“How did you fall out of a tree?” the nurse asked. “You have wings…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

The nurse shook her head, smiling, and led us to the room the pegasus was recovering in, where we found Fluttershy and the doctor. Fluttershy said, “Navarone, where did you go last night? You just disappeared on us!”

“I went home. I tried to go to bed, but there was a pink furry beast in my bed. So I had a brain fart moment and decided to sleep in the tree. That ended up with me painfully falling to the ground. I don’t think anything is broken, but I ripped open one of the bigger cuts.” While I was telling Fluttershy that, Pinkie Pie was talking to the doctor about the chick we found, which turned out to be Derpy Hooves.

I didn’t really get a good view of her the night before, I was so fucking tired. I took a few steps closer to get a better look at her. The doc was saying something about being surprised she wasn’t awake yet. I was peering closer to her face, when she suddenly popped her eyes open and yelled “Hello!” right at me.

That made me jump back and holler something impolite. In my haste to get away, I bumped into a curious Pinkie Pie and almost knocked us both over. The patient sat up, giggling.

“Jesus, just give me a heart attack, why don’t you!”

“Ah, she’s awake,” the doctor said. “How are you feeling, Derpy?”

“Much better,” she said, “now that I’m not trying to fly above a never ending forest of evil.”

“Yeah, someone seriously needs to burn that fucking place down,” I muttered.

My opinion on the matter was thrust aside, of course. I did my best to quietly extricate myself, but Pinkie Pie seemed to have some kind of tracker on me; every time I got near the door, she gave me such a look of pure malevolence that it made me pretend I was just adjusting my stance. I don’t know if I’ve said it before, but that chick can be really, really scary. I don’t even know why she wanted me to stay; I barely knew the mare. All I had done was help Fluttershy carry her from the forest.

The doc was talking about boring things and I wasn’t really paying attention, so I started concocting a plan to escape. Phase one was as such: “Look over there, a distraction!” And when that inevitably failed—wait, what? How did that work?

“What are we supposed to be looking at?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Just keep looking, you’ll see it,” I assured her, as I very, very quietly backed out the door, then bolted and ran. How the hell did that work? That wasn’t supposed to work!

Now, I’ve heard stories about Pinkie Pie’s ability to catch up to people that run away; she has somehow managed to keep up with Rainbow Dash at least twice, which is just something that isn’t supposed to happen. She cannot, however, actually fly, unless she gets a device to help her. Thankfully, I can. And, as a test recently showed, I was able to stand on clouds, despite not being an actual pegasus. So as soon as I got out of the doctor’s office, I took off and alighted on a low-flying cloud to wait and see what would happen.

I mean, if she doesn’t know where I’m at, she couldn’t possibly catch me. I figured, you know, I could sort of chill out on the cloud for a few minutes and she’d lose interest. I had a lot of aches and pains to work out anyway, so it was a decent setup.

A few hours later, I was starting to wish I had just waited at the doctor. This chick was stubborn! Like, I knew she was manic depressive, but this was starting to get really, really scary. I was somewhat afraid of what might happen if I actually came down, at that point. She had probably asked everyone in the town if they had seen me at least once.

I was peeking over the edge of the cloud when a very chirpy—and dangerously loud—voice said from behind me, “Whatcha doing, Nav?” It was thankfully Rainbow Dash.

I very quickly turned and motioned her down. “Pinkie Pie is stalking me. Bitch is crazy! I know when she picks a day to hang out with you, she likes to be with you all day, but this is getting ridiculous! I’ve been up here for hours!”

“Yeah, she does that. She’s very good at finding you, too. How have you managed to stay hidden for so long?”

“I stay out of sight. She is restricted mostly to two dimensions, the x and the y axis. I have the z axis to play with, now, and there’s not much she can do with that.”

“…What?”

“I can fly and sit on clouds. She can’t. Break the line of sight with her and go straight up and she’ll never be able to find you.”

“She always manages to find me up here!”

“You stick near the ground, or in places she can get to, and she’s able to watch you go to where you hide. If you can lose her for a second and get to Cloudsdale or something, you’re set. That doesn’t mean she’ll give up, though, apparently. What happens if she doesn’t find me?”

“The last time she thought her friends ditched her, she went crazy. Literally. It was scary. Let’s not find out.”

With that, she made as if to push me off the cloud. “Wait! If you strike me down now, I will come back more powerful than you can possibly imagine!”

“…What?” Damn ponies.

“Look over there, a distraction!” I pointed behind her, hoping it would work. She gave me that look women give men when we say something that we should be ashamed of even trying, and then kicked me off the cloud.

I wish I could say she yelled something like “This is CLOUDSDALE!” but she didn’t know that reference either.

“You Benedict Arnold!” I yelled as I fell, until I caught myself. By then, though, the damage had been done: I had been spotted. It was too late to run and I’d just be caught and dragged back by Rainbow Dash if not by Pinkie Pie herself. Besides, Pinkie had such a look of pure joy at seeing me that I would probably feel guilty running from her. When I looked up, I saw that Rainbow Dash was peeking off the cloud, giggling. I sighed and descended.

“Where were you?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“I was looking for you. I stepped outside for some air and when I went back you were gone.”

“But if I was looking for you and you were looking for me, why did it take us so long to find each other?”

“Bad luck?” Holy God, she actually bought it. This chick is simple, man. “So, why were you looking for me?”

Without answering, she bounced off, then suddenly looked back. “Are you coming?”

This. Bitch. Is. Crazy. But I followed. What other choice did I have? She was the Pepé Le Pew to my Penelope Pussycat. The only way to escape the madness was to play along.

Which, as it happens, isn’t always so bad. My only punishment for escaping her so long was having to help teach Fluttershy to dance. Though it is a whole lot harder when you’re a completely different species than the person you’re helping. But Fluttershy wasn’t wearing a showgirl outfit, which definitely reduced the awkwardness.

We muddled through it. And the reasoning of forcing me to be her partner was apparently because, as Pinkie Pie put it, “Duh, you’re a guy!” My mention of using, say, Big MacIntosh, was shot down with “He doesn’t know how to dance, silly!” I was somewhat tempted to offer to find Rainbow Dash, but that might raise questions.

All in all, though, it wasn’t that bad. It was odd, certainly, dancing with a pony as a human, but not the worst thing I had ever done.

The next day, I cheated and got all three of the fillies their Cutie marks. Yes, horrific, I know, but they were literally about to cut off some random part of my body for a ‘surgery and/or doctor oriented Cutie mark.’

I shit you not.

Now, I don’t think they were actually trying to hurt me. They had no idea what real pain is, never having known much of it themselves. Minor aches, yes, but until you have something either separated from your body or broken, you don’t know what true physical pain is. Like, I had been fucking shot back on Earth. Now that right there is some real pain, and I’ll never forget the sight of my life fluids leaking from my body as my vision slowly darkened.

These girls, though, had never felt anything like that. They had never even imagined what it would feel like. But when they suddenly found a specimen that had more extraneous extremities than usual, that were also possible to remove, they got an idea. Fluttershy apparently refused to allow them to play with any of her critters.

They figured me for a better sport. My answer to that was hell no. They might not be crazy so much as ignorant, but I thought it was better to end that shit before they actually hurt someone else, or themselves.

To that end, this conversation happened:

“Alright, I’m tired of almost dying. I was told not to mention this, but the person that told me isn’t the one getting chopped up. You want to get your Cutie marks? Here: Sweetie Belle, you’re a singer. Trust me. Scootaloo, you’re a scooter champ, or something to do with coordination or sporting. Trust me. Applebloom, you’re some kind of decorator, be it costumes or just art. Trust me. Now focus on those and please stop trying to kill me.”

“How do you know what our Cutie marks are supposed to be?” Scootaloo asked.

“Because it’s fucking obvious for everyone else. Those damn tattoos are things you’re good at and like doing, things you could see doing the rest of your life. A whole part of discovering who you are and crap.”

“Are you sure?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“No, but if I were you I’d put a lot of time and effort checking it out. I’m pretty sure, which is more than you are at this point.”

“Who told you not to tell us?” Applebloom asked. “We asked everypony for help getting our Cutie marks!”

“If I wanted you to know that, I would have mentioned it when I said I was told not to say. Just don’t tell anyone who gave you the advice when you find your talents. Go now in peace, and learn who you really are.”

It wasn’t as simple as that, of course. Sweetie Belle was not much one for singing to crowds. Shy, in a way, I suppose. She also really, really wanted to be like her sister, for whatever stupid reason.

Applebloom didn’t want to steal Sweetie Belle’s thunder by becoming something akin to Rarity and she also wanted to be more like her sister, even though apples are boring. Scootaloo was somewhat disappointed that she wasn’t a singer, but took the news the best of the three.

A bit of one-on-one counseling was needed for Sweetie Belle, so I started there and sent the other two off a bit to play around with what I told them. Though to be honest, I don’t know why it was me that was doing the damn counseling.

“Alright, think about it this way,” I said. “If you were a clothing designer, you would be in front of a crowd as much as a singer would be, just in a different way.”

“What do you mean?” the tiny marshmallow asked.

“Your clothing, your work, your heart, and your soul would be on display for everyone seeing your designs. Fashionable clothing isn’t made to be worn alone, it’s made to be displayed. Crowds will see what you make, just as surely as crowds would see you singing. And they would know you just as well either way.”

“But singing is just so much more personal!”

“Not hardly. Have you listened to half of what your sister says? She probably puts more personality in those dresses than most singers in my world put in songs. And you can be sure there will always be work for a good singer. Trust me when I say that this is probably what you need to do. Just do me the favor of trying it.”

She tentatively agreed, still somewhat fearful of the idea. Imagine her surprise when she walked away from me to find Scootaloo already sporting a Cutie mark. Yeah, I’m a bad person, whatever. But I’m a bad person that gets results.

I very quietly bailed while they were still celebrating. There would probably be hell to pay when they inevitably broke trust and told everyone I gave them advice, but whatever; at least I still had all my toes.

“Navarone, you never cease to amaze me,” Twilight said. “A surprise summoning, an amazing discovery. An interesting intellect, a new perspective. You managed to win all of our trust in an astoundingly fast time, and all of my friends became yours as well. You made friends with a reclusive princess and young ponies apparently adore you. So why, then, are you incapable of following simple instructions?”

This was, if you hadn’t noticed, part of the ‘hell to pay’. I figured, you know, the fillies would wait at least a few days before accidentally spouting off about how I said so and so. Nope, they immediately went and celebrated by telling everyone that “Navarone helped us get our Cutie marks!”

Note that at the time, only one of them even had the damn thing. Upon further questioning, instead of properly lying about how I helped them dance or some crap, they repeated most of the conversation, tactfully forgetting the part where I said ‘don’t tell anyone.’

There was now a queue of ponies lining up to make semi-angry/sideways pleasant remarks at me. Rarity and Applejack were first, of course, followed by Cheerilee, their teacher. I think Pinkie Pie just saw the line and figured that whatever it was for was worth it, and jumped in. And Rainbow Dash was also out there, for some reason. Maybe Pinkie Pie just attached herself to Rainbow Dash today.

“Well, in my defense, I did tell them not to tell anyone that it was me.” Twilight didn’t look very impressed by that. “I also had a good reason for telling them: They were asking if they could chop off a part of my body to try for a surgery Cutie mark. They were getting dangerous and I didn’t want to risk getting anyone hurt. This is safer.” She still didn’t look that happy, but I was winning her over. “It’s not like I can undo it anyway. It would have happened eventually. Those damn tattoos don’t show up unless it’s what you’re meant to do. Is it so bad that they were discovered from the advice of someone else, rather than on their own?”

That one struck home. She sighed. “I’m convinced, sadly. It’s about time it happened, though. I will say that in your favor. Still, how are you going to convince the others?”

“I was planning on hiding and letting you do that. I can go out through the balcony and be gone before they realize I left.”

“I’m starting to think it’s a good thing I accidentally brought you here. If you ever got a human pregnant, you would only show up after the kid was born and fully grown. Why are you the most dangerous species, again?”

“Because when you piss us off, we fuck shit up. And when we think we’re in the right, we have no compunctions against doing it. You’re probably right about the pregnancy. Well, good luck dealing with this one.” I turned to go, but I was forcefully detained by magic. “Going to help me hide? Good idea!” If only…

So I spent the next half hour explaining myself to some angry ponies. Well, sort of angry. They all agreed, even if only after they spent their anger, that it was about time someone set those fillies straight. As it turns out, Pinkie Pie heard the line was forming up to yell at the human, but she wasn’t told why, so she spent ten minutes yelling to me about her day. I nodded strategically, not really paying much attention. Rainbow Dash just wanted to high five me for finally doing what needed to be done, which I thought was neat.

Thankfully, I know how to play people, and was able to get out of too much abuse from Rarity and Applejack. Cheerilee was another story, but I managed to guilt trip her away. I also avoided any promises of doing anything of that manner in the future, which was a decent bonus; I wouldn’t, of course, unless I was in danger again, but it was good to know that I could. Not like I’d really need to; most of the younger kids here already had their Cutie marks, or their parents kept them away from me.

After that, things sort of died down for a while.

Fluttershy’s dancing lessons continued and I was typically her partner. Not my preferred activity, but it passed the time. And since we both had wings, Pinkie Pie found a few… interesting… things for us to try.

All three of the fillies ended up getting their Cutie marks.

Luna continued visiting me off and on. She didn’t seem as desperate for companionship as she had when I first met her, but she did seem to really enjoy spending time with me. She also told me about a few of the other friends she was making in cities around Equestria, other night owls of all kinds.

And I kept practicing with the crossbow when I had nothing better to do. I was getting ridiculously good with it. No more accidentally becoming a pony for me, not if I could help it. I’d shoot any motherfucker that tried.

Chapter Eight—Carnies, teeth, and interesting meetings

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HweRDkfq5rWUfD6rDkSkCxWE94OTEjihqvb9Lh7GxUw/edit

About a month after I got the girls their Cutie marks, there was a knock on the door. Twilight was sitting in the library, stressing out about something that no one should stress about. Spike was doing whatever he does in his time off. I was telling Twilight to chill and generally just laughing at her.

When the knock came, she used magic to throw me at the door. “IF YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS FINE, YOU CAN DEAL WITH THIS!” she screamed at me before teleporting up the stairs.

I picked myself off the floor and popped my neck before opening the door. “Can I help you?” I asked the two sleazy looking pegasi standing there.

They looked at me with concern. “You’re… you’re bleeding,” one of them said.

I rubbed my lip and looked at it. Yep, that’s blood. “Yeah, I suppose I am,” I answered. “So, what do you need?”

They looked at each other and then back to me. Without a word, they both reached in and grabbed me, pulling me outside. Before I knew it, I was facing back into the library and they were holding my wings.

“Yep,” I heard one of them say. “He’s a flier.”

“Most definitely. And a very resilient one. Would be a great addition.”

“I say we go for it,” the first one said.

“Agreed.”

Without another word they shoved me back inside and pulled the door shut. Huh. I began to walk away when someone knocked again. I turned to answer it. “Can I help you?” I asked them again.

“I believe you can, strange winged ape,” one of them said. Yellow flag one. “You see, my friend and I are recruiters for a famous flight school called Vaudeville, and we would just love to have you there!” Yellow flag two.

“Uh huh,” I answered.

“Yup, that’s right!” the other one said. “And at absolutely no cost to yourself, at that!” Yellow flag three. And you’re outta here!

“I see,” I said.

“We have all manner of interesting courses and lesson plans suited for creatures of all types!”

“You don’t say.”

“No, I do say,” one of them said. “Or rather, I did say. Anyway, we think you would do great there!”

“Cool,” I said.

They looked at me expectantly. The silence went on for a little while. One of them cleared his throat.

“…Well?” one of them finally asked.

“Not interested,” I said, and started closing the door. A hoof blocked it. I opened the door slightly and slammed it closed. The hoof was still there. Oh right, they don’t even feel that. I opened the door again and stared at them. The hoof disappeared and the smiles reappeared. One of them opened his mouth.

I slammed the door before they could move or say anything and turned back into the library.

Twilight was standing there with her horn glowing, giving me the third craziest look I had ever seen from her.

I turned around and opened the door and stepped outside. “Do tell me more,” I said, closing the door behind me. Something crashed against the door. “In fact, let’s walk and talk.”

I led them off into the town. Normally, the food I eat is provided by Twilight or is given in exchange for odd jobs, as I had pretty much no pony money to my name. I had enough for… well, at least I would be allowed inside most places. I led them to Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie lived and the Cake family did business.

I saw the two pegasi behind me look at each other as we approached the building. One of them muttered something about ‘real food’. “Have a seat,” I told them. “I just need to talk to a friend of mine here and I’ll be right back.”

They moved to a table and sat down with a speed I haven’t seen in a while. I went to find Pinkie Pie.

She found me first, as is her way. “Hiya Nav!” she yelled, popping out of some place she couldn’t have possibly fit in. “What’re you doing here?”

I made sure the two pegasi couldn’t hear me. “I’m hiding until Twilight calms down,” I told her. “Listen, you want to help me run two filthy Carnies out of town?”

She gave me a look. “What’s a carnie?” she asked. “Is it like a… what rhymes with carnie?”

“Carnies are people that run carnivals,” I said. Her eyes lit up. I grabbed her mouth before she shouted anything out loud. “Not those kinds of carnivals,” I told her. She practically sank. “Freak shows and the like. These two tried to pretend to be representatives of a flight school to recruit me.”

“Well that doesn’t seem very nice!” she answered, peeking her head around to look at them. She pulled her head back. “But then, they don’t look like very nice ponies…”

“Carnies are terrible people, yes,” I said. “I’m going to see if I can get them to pay for lunch. If you want to make a buck, charge them extra for everything. And if you know where Rainbow Dash is, go get her.”

“Psh, silly! Rainbow Dash is downstairs in the basement!”

This place has a basement? “Well, if you could bring her up here, that would be great. I’m going to need some help to get the bastards out of town.”

She put on a serious face and gave a perfect salute. She broke the illusion by giggling. She dropped the salute and trotted over to a side door that I had never noticed before. When she opened it, I saw that it led down.

A blue blur shot out of the basement so quickly she was hiding behind me before I realized it was Rainbow Dash. “I didn’t know you were afraid of the dark, Rainbow Dash,” I said, looking at her.

She turned her eyes over to Pinkie Pie, gulped quickly and blushed a bright red, and looked back up to me. “Yeah… dark…”

“Nav here needs your help with something, Dashie!” Pinkie Pie said in her cheerful tone.

Rainbow Dash gave me a small look of thanks and stood up straight. “Whatever you need, Nav, I’m here for you!” Her eyes flickered over to Pinkie for a second and she got a little closer to me to whisper, “As long as it takes me away from her for a little while…” For some reason, her blush got even deeper.

I patted her on the head. “You’re going to help me run some Carnies out of town,” I told her. “Right after they pay for lunch.” Her eyes grew hard at the mention of Carnies.

“Carnies, eh?” she asked, a haughtiness entering her voice. “Two pegasi?” She described them further.

“Yep,” I said. “Sleazy looking fuckers. Tried to recruit me by saying it was a flying school called Vaudeville. Stupid fucks don’t know that’s a human word too.”

Rainbow Dash was wearing a very wide grin that replaced the horror. “I’ve met them before, Nav. They tried to recruit me because of my mane.”

“…That’s natural?” I asked. She kicked me in the shin. Well, hell, her mane was fucking rainbow colored. How was I supposed to know? After I got done hopping up and down for a moment, I said, “Fine. Just follow me out there and pretend you don’t know them. After they pay, I’ll ask you what you know about Vaudeville, their faces will drop, and between the two of us we’ll throw them right the hell out. Sound fun?”

“Absolutely!” She looked at Pinkie again, then back to me. “And as payment, you’re going to hang out with me all day!” I looked down at her. She was wearing a nervous smile. I turned to Pinkie, who was staring at Dash with a smile I had seen just over a month ago. I turned back to Dash, who was starting to leak sweat. “Yep, allllll day.”

I shrugged, figuring I could get her out of a weird situation. “Fair enough, I suppose.” I was suddenly wrapped in a very tight hug. “Yes, yes, I’m awesome. Hugs later, Carnie-kicking-out now. And hopefully free food.”

The two of us walked back into the main room. The dirty fucks at the table stopped talking as soon as I came into view and flinched when Rainbow Dash stepped in behind me. One of them put on a really bad poker face.

When Rainbow Dash didn’t say anything, they seemed to sag. I sat at the table. “Well,” I said.

They continued making things up about the ‘school’. Pinkie came out wearing a ridiculous French maid outfit that I had never seen before and never wanted to see again, but caught the eyes of all three of my companions.

Thankfully, the Cakes still served some of that human food I taught Pinkie how to make. She took orders and departed, swishing her tail slightly and waggling her hindquarters quite a bit more than I thought was necessary.

I looked up and noticed six wings spread out fully as each of them watched her depart. I sighed. “Okay, as the only one here who has actually hit that,” I said, “stop watching her. She’s a freak, yes, but please!”

Rainbow Dash turned to look at me so quickly that her neck popped. A blush was slowly creeping down her face. The other two were slower in returning their gazes. “Now,” I said, leaning in a bit. “Tell me a bit more, would you?”

They did with glee. They thought they were going to get a new freak to show off, after all.

Pinkie came back in a few moments later, still wearing that ridiculous French maid outfit. She set the plates down normally and whatnot, but dropped Rainbow Dash’s spoon. Somehow it landed a few feet behind her. “Oops, silly me!” she giggled. She turned around and very slowly bent over to pick it up, swishing her tail aside and that’s when I decided to stop looking. I turned back when she was standing normally again. “I guess I’ll just have to… clean it off for you,” she whispered seductively, slowly licking the spoon clean before I turned away again. Okay, what the fuck, Pinkie? I mean, seriously!

She set the spoon down and walked away the same way she did before. Rainbow Dash’s small blush had turned into a fully-fledged one and I was starting to think she could pass as a smaller body double for Big MacIntosh. I heard one of the two carnies whisper to the other, “We need to come to Ponyville more often!”

We began to eat quite heartily after that. There was little talking. We all heard Pinkie before she began to come down again and the two carnies and Rainbow Dash were looking to the door with a hopeful expression.

And in walked Pinkie Pie.

In full dominatrix gear.

Their mouths dropped. All three of them. I just looked on impassively.

Pinkie glared. “You better have my money,” she growled, cracking a whip somehow. The two carnies looked at each other. One looked terrified. The other had a disturbingly excited look on his face. I heard Rainbow Dash gulp.

“You guys are covering this, right?” I asked them. The terrified one turned his gaze to me while the excited one looked to Pinkie, who had pulled out another—Oh my God what is that?

Now I was gaping. The terrified one saw my look and slowly turned his gaze back. He let out a very, very scared sound and dropped his entire coin purse on the table before dragging his friend out despite his protests. Rainbow Dash turned to follow them, but I grabbed her tail before she could get anywhere. She fell on the floor and decided to go into a fetal position.

Pinkie Pie dropped all of her… things, and joined me at the table. “Well, Nav?” she asked, giggling.

I opened the coin purse and dumped it on the table. “Enough for lunch,” I said. “And quite a nice tip besides.” I stood and bowed slightly. “You were an excellent waitress, my dear,” I told her, standing up straight again.

She answered me with a giggle and “Any time, Nav! And if you ever want to… well, you know!”

I dropped my smile. “No.” She was looking at me with a disturbing intensity. There was nothing else to say. Eventually she sighed lightly and turned her gaze to Rainbow Dash instead. I followed it. “Come along, Rainbow,” I said, “We have to make sure those carnies are gone.”

No answer.

“Look, Dashie,” I said. She flinched at Pinkie’s nickname for her. “I remember my deals. Let’s go.” Nothing. I grabbed her tail and began to drag her out. She started making little noises as soon as she was turned to face Pinkie. I looked back to see Pinkie smiling at me and waving. I shrugged and turned around. The noises began again. I didn’t stop.

Well, I did stop and turn around at the door. “Pinkie?” I said.

“Yes, Nav?” She fluttered her eyelashes.

“Go change before Mrs. Cake sees you and has a heart attack.” Or Mr. Cake sees you and reconsiders his marriage.

She blinked and her smile dropped for a second before returning full force. “Okie dokie lokie!” I dragged Dash out the rest of the way.

When we got outside, I managed to revive Dash well enough to get her to stand. “Now, let’s go hunting carnies,” I said when she was back on her feet. I looked around. They were nowhere to be seen. “Well, this sucks.”

Rainbow Dash suddenly flinched. I heard her muttering to herself. I let her have her moment. After a few seconds, she nodded. “Alright, let’s go!” she finally exclaimed. She looked back at the shop and flinched slightly. “Away from here,” she whispered, shuddering.

We were walking for a few minutes looking for them, talking. “I don’t care why the Cakes let her do stuff like that,” I was saying, “What I want to know is, where the fuck does she get that stuff? I mean, a dominatrix suit? Really?”

Rainbow Dash was looking less and less enthusiastic with each word. “Look, Nav, I don’t really want to tal—There they are!” Her enthusiasm returned when we saw the two carnies talking to each other near the library.

We walked up to them and heard them talking. “I’m telling you man, this place is crazy! Let’s just cut our losses and get out of here!”

“And I say we forget the weird ape thing and take the pink mare instead!”

The other one rolled his eyes. “Ever since Trixie left, you’ve been trying to find somepony else to abuse you like that. I’m tired of it!”

This was getting into things I didn’t want to hear. I cleared my throat and saw them looking up at me with fear.

“Oh, hello!” the one with the bad poker face said. “We were just talking about you!”

“I see,” I answered. “Tell me, what was the name of your school again?”

Their eyes flicked to Rainbow Dash and then back to me. One of them gave off a little laugh and answered with a sheepish tone, “Tuskegee Institute…?” Seriously?

Bad poker face is bad.

“Really?” I said. “Because I think I remember you calling it something else earlier. Tell me Rainbow Dash, you know everything about flight schools in Equestria, right?”

She smiled and nodded eagerly.

“Have you ever heard of a place called Vaudeville?”

Her smile diminished a bit. “Can’t say that I have, Nav.” The carnies looked at each other. She continued, “At least, not in a flying school kinda way. I have heard of Vaudeville, though.” She looked at the two carnies, who were starting to sweat bullets. “It’s a traveling carnival that recruits all manner of weird things to use as entertainment. I’m sure these two refined gentlecolts wouldn’t be from that Vaudeville, though,” she finished with a sweet smile.

I heard one of the two carnies gulp as they turned their gaze back to us. “Well, Mr. Ape sir,” one of them said, “It really has been a pleasure! But I see you’re a busy… thing… and we think you might not quite be what we wanted!”

The other continued, “We’ll just be on our w—” My hand shot out and grabbed him by the throat. The other fellow took off immediately. I waved Rainbow Dash down while I dragged this fellow closer. It was fucking hard, too; these ponies are strong as hell.

I leaned my face in close since I couldn’t pick this guy up. “I may be a freak, but at least I’m not an asshole.” I snarled. “Get the hell out of my town, you filthy fucking carnie.” I let him go and he took a deep breath before flying the fuck away.

I turned to Rainbow Dash, who finally decided to stop holding in her laughter. “Well, what now, Dashie?” I asked her. She suddenly found a reason to stop laughing after that.

She looked around herself with suspicion and flinched when she saw something. I turned my gaze that way and saw Pinkie waving and smiling again. I waved back and turned to Dash, who was now hiding behind me.

“Let’s go flying, Nav…” she whispered, peeking around me.

“Alright,” I answered. “I could always use the practice.” The rest of the day was spent chilling with Rainbow Dash. It was pretty alright.

When I got back to the library, I found Spike sitting on the front steps. “Well?” I asked.

He shook his head.

I walked up behind him and opened the library door just in time to see a book flying at me. I slammed the door shut and heard a loud thud.

I joined Spike on the steps. “Applejack?” I finally asked.

“Applejack,” he answered. I lifted him on my back and we started off to Applejack’s farm. She always had spare beds and was usually willing to let a friend borrow one as long as that friend didn’t fuck anything up while there. Most of her beds were small for me, but then most of all the beds in this world were small for me.

We made good time to the farm and when I knocked on the door Applebloom merrily answered with all her usual fanfare at seeing me. Namely, a running jump hug that knocked me back a few feet.

Yeah, she was really happy that I helped with her cutie mark.

I set Spike down and asked, “You guys mind if we borrow a bed or two?”

She nodded, “Just gotta ask Applejack or Granny Smith!” She sprinted back inside. Too much energy.

Applejack came to the door. “What’re y’all two doin’ here?” she asked with her typical southern twang. “Don’t y’all have your own beds?”

Spike and I looked at each other. He nodded to me. I answered, “Twilight is having one of her little breakdowns. I dealt with that shit for a few hours and Spike dealt with it for a few more hours. Neither of us want to deal with it anymore. Can we borrow a bed or two?”

She looked at us both. Spike did his best to look downtrodden and as baby-ish as he could. She finally rolled her eyes and sighed. “Fine. But if Twilight comes to claim y’all, you ain’t gonna get a lick of help from any of us.”

“Thanks, AJ,” I said. “Today has just been a really weird day.” She shook her head, letting us both in.

The next morning, I woke up to a filly on my back. “Dafuq?” I muttered, turning over to see what was standing on me.

There was a loud, “MEEP!” and then something tumbled to the floor.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes and then looked down. “Applebloom, why are you on the floor?” I asked.

She looked up at me with her evil sad face. “Because you knocked me down!” she whimpered, sticking her lip out slightly.

I was too tired this time to be affected as I had been the last… well, several times. Holy fuck, I must be really tired. “Well,” I said, “I hope you learned your lesson.” Then I turned back over and closed my eyes again.

I immediately opened them when I felt her back on my back. She jumped up and down a few times. I curled into a ball. She continued jumping, inured to my plight.

“You gotta get up, Nav!” she yelled. “Twilight’s here to get you!”

“Fuck that shit,” I moaned. “She’s just gonna throw stuff at me some more!”

She stopped jumping. “What do those words mean?”

How has she never heard me say them before? “They mean things little fillies shouldn’t know about,” I said. “Now get out and let me sleep.” I imagined she rolled her eyes, which I would have found amusing if I had been able to see it. I heard her clop down to the floor.

“Fine,” she said. “But you’re gonna get it!”

I didn’t say anything.

I didn’t say anything when Twilight came up five minutes later, either. “Get up, Nav,” she said. I popped an eye open. Seeing Twilight, I slammed it closed. “I’m not going to ask again. We have work to do!”

“How did you even find me?” I groaned.

“Pinkie Pie knew where you were,” she said. “Now get up and stop intruding on Applejack.”

Fucking Pinkie Pie. I rolled over, turning my back to Twilight.

She sighed. I felt something yank at my wings, dragging me off the bed. I hit the floor and didn’t move. “I’m not going to drag you all the way back to the library, Nav,” she said.

“Good, that means you’ll give up and let me sleep some more.”

“No, that means I’ll do what it takes to make you get up now so I don’t have to drag you back.”

I didn’t like the sound of that. “Fine!” I said, pushing myself to my feet. “I have a bed at the library too!”

She nodded, smiling. “That’s better! Now, where’s Spike?”

I shrugged. “Next door, I guess.”

She rolled her eyes. “Come on then, Nav. Your first task of the day is to get Spike up.”

“Aww, do I have to?” She looked at me with a bit of fierceness until she realized I was just being difficult. “Jeez, Twilight, chill the fuck out. You are way too uptight. I swear you need to get laid or something!”

Her eyes opened wide and she blushed so red I immediately thought of Rainbow Dash. I just shook my head, smiling, and went to look for Spike.

I found him where I predicted. “Yo Spike, time to wake up,” I said, poking him.

He groaned and swatted at me.

I was not amused. I bent down to his… ear? I think it was his ear; it was hard to tell with all the little spine things jutting off his head. “Psst, Rarity’s here,” I whispered to him, and quickly pulled back and did my best to look nonchalant.

He jumped right out of bed. “WHERE!”

I looked at him, pretending to be confused. “Where what, Spike?”

He looked at me with madness in his eyes. “I heard somepony say Rarity was here!”

The confusion turned to concern. “You’re hearing things, man,” I said. “Or maybe it was just a dream. Either way, we gotta go. Twilight’s here and she’s decided to stop having a fit. Time for us to earn our meals.”

He looked at his warm bed. His warm, full-sized bed—at Twilight’s library he sleeps in a basket. He turned back to me. “Do we have to?”

“Yep,” I answered, picking him up and slinging him over a shoulder.

I felt his elbows go to my back, as he propped his head up with his hands. “Things were so much easier back in Canterlot,” he reminisced. “Whenever Twilight would start to have a fit, Princess Celestia would just come by and calm her right down…”

I started to walk out the door. “Between you and me, Spike, Twilight needs to get fucking laid.” Between him and me and Twilight and all of the Apple family, actually: They were all standing in the hall when I said that. “Oh uh… Hi guys!” I said, setting Spike down.

Twilight was looking at the floor, turning even more shades of red. Big Mac was wearing a silly little grin, looking at the wall. Applejack was alternating her gaze between me and Twilight, cracking up. Applebloom was looking at me with confusion. Granny Smith was wearing her own little smile, staring at me with an intensity I wasn’t quite comfortable with. And Spike was just plain laughing his ass off.

“So Applejack… Can I borrow that bed for a few more nights?” I sheepishly asked. Applejack finally burst out laughing.

Applebloom finally asked, “What’s… laid?”

Now Granny Smith was cracking up.

“You know what,” I said, “I think I’m just going to stay with Rainbow instead…”

Twilight sighed and grabbed me and the still-laughing Spike with magic and dragged us back to Ponyville.

Some time later, I shattered some teeth. Well, it wasn’t actually me that shattered them, but they were my teeth. Honestly, I’m just lucky my entire jaw wasn’t broken…

I was playing hoofball—football—with the extended Apple family and a few other friends when Applejack pretty much bucked me right in the face. I went flying backwards, dropping the ball. My head felt like it had been put through an engine block, and I was spitting up enough blood that it looked like I had just bitten a chunk out of someone.

After hundreds of apologies and a quick trip to the doctor, I was diagnosed with a serious case of missing half of my teeth. And a concussion, but that wasn’t really permanent. Given my diagnosis, I was prescribed a trip to the dentist.

Colgate.

Colgate… I haven’t written about my past experience with her, because she scares me. The first time I went to her—to get a specialized toothbrush—she freaked the fuck out over my canines. I didn’t know if she was aroused or terrified or both. I just know that me getting a toothbrush turned into me getting hit with a lot of laughing gas and not remembering what happened next. I woke up with my teeth shined to perfection and a minty taste that didn’t leave me for a few days. I also had a toothbrush and a card that said ‘call me’ on it. Ponies don’t have phones.

I avoided her from then out.

Sadly, that wasn’t exactly an option, given what happened. My teeth were fucked and I needed them fixed. Thankfully, Applejack agreed to sit with me, since it was her fault my teeth were busted. We got to Colgate’s… I hesitate to call it an office, but I guess that’s the closest word for it. There was no line, since it would take a foolhardy person to visit her more often than they needed.

Colgate was sitting at the front desk, wielding a large, bright smile towards the door. She was a light blue unicorn with a darker blue and white mane. I stopped when I stepped inside, afraid to go any farther, but Applejack pushed me in. “Ya gotta get your teeth fixed, Nav. Even if it’s by… Colgate!” AJ had just gotten in and saw her staring at us with that smile. “Uh. Hi. Nav here has some broken teeth and we were hoping you could fix him up.” She sounded a bit uncertain.

Before either of us could react, Colgate was across her desk and pulling me to her back room. “I’ll have to take a look, but I should be able to fix him right up. Anything for my favorite patient!” AJ moved to follow us, but Colgate said, “You just wait out here, now. I’ll take gooood care of him!”

I looked imploringly at AJ. She saw my look and said, “I don’t suppose you’d mind if I watched, would ya? I uh… I want to see what happens?” Applejack is easily the worst liar I have ever seen. This was one of the only times I ever saw her even try to say something that wasn’t true.

Colgate shook her head. “Don’t you worry about him a second. I’ll just take a look-see and have him back out in, oh…” She looked me up and down and her smile somehow grew wider. “An hour or three.”

“Three hours?!” AJ sputtered. “Why would it take that long?”

“Well, if his teeth are busted out, I’ll have to regrow them! And since they’re broken, I’ll have to file them down so they won’t be jagged.” This was sounding worse and worse, making my wings droop. “I mean, if he can’t even talk, surely it’s pretty bad.” I sighed. She saw the state of my wings and said, “Cheer up, Nav! I’m sure I can keep you distracted through the excruciating pain.” My eyes widened as she yanked me the last step and slammed the back door behind me.

Before I could recover, she threw me onto a chair made for ponies and lowered it back, leaving my upper body to dangle onto the floor. “Oh yeah, forgot about that!” She pulled an ottoman from somewhere and put most of my upper body on it, letting my wings dangle under me. “Now let’s get a look at tho—Sweet Celestia!” She had my mouth open, looking at what was left of my teeth. “How did this even happen?” I tried to say something, but nothing articulate came out. “AJ bucked you in the mouth? That was rude of her!” Well, I didn’t think it was anything articulate. I guess she can understand mouth-open speak.

She poked one of the remnants of my teeth with some tool or something and I flinched. “I bet that hurt, huh?” What the fuck kind of doctor are you? I gurgled as much. “Oh, I never went to a medical school. I’m not a doctor!” I think my pupils shrank at that and I tried to push my way up but she threw me back down with magic. “You have to sit still for the dentist, silly! Now let’s see, how did that spell go again?” She left me struggling in the chair and walked over to a table. She picked up a book and walked back over. I saw the title was Dentistry for Dummies. Who even makes something like that? “Ah!”

Her horn lit up and she bent it down to my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut, expecting a massive amount of pain. I felt nothing. I hesitantly opened one eye to see her sitting back, watching me with a smirk. “Psh, did you really think I would use a spell that hurt you while you weren’t even sedated?”

“Hng?”

“That spell is painless. Your teeth should be back in an hour or so. I wasn’t lying about having to file them down, though. We won’t actually use a file, mind, but it’ll probably be uncomfortable.” I gurgled something. “Because the look on your face was priceless!” I gurgled something else. “Oh, no. I’m still going to do that. I just wanted to see your face before I started.” My eyes had time to widen before the gas mask was forced over my face. I had time to struggle before I was completely out.

I woke up to find myself on Applejack’s back. She was carrying me somewhere. I lifted my head and noticed that I actually had all of my teeth. “Oh good, you’re finally awake.” AJ stopped to let me stand. I stumbled slightly, my head still dizzy.

“What… what happened?”

“That crazy dentist did something to your teeth. Looks like they’re all back!”

I grit my teeth, using my tongue to feel them all. “Yep, looks like they’re all there. She even got the canines right!”

“Canines? You have dog teeth?”

“Ah, no. That’s just what they’re called.”

“Why do you have sharp teeth, anyway? You don’t need teeth like that to eat our food!”

“Uh… They’re so we can crack open fruits and nuts easier.” Bold-faced lie.

“Oh. Huh. Well, you think you’re good to get home? I need to get back to helpin’ the family.”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for looking after me.”

“Hey, it was my fault you were out of it anyway. I’ll try to be more careful next time.” I waved her off and continued back to the library.

One day, I had an unexpected visitor at a very unexpected hour. It isn’t very often that you get woken up at three in the morning by a princess, after all.

“Navarone,” said the voice that was bothering me. Then I felt another prod on my back, something cold and unwelcome against my bare flesh. I unconsciously swatted at it with one of my wings, since my arms were too busy being asleep. She began sputtering and I felt a feather land on my back. “Cease this foolishness and awaken!”

“Fuck off,” I groaned, turning away from her.

“Should you not awaken, I shall do something you will regret.” Of course, I paid her no mind. “So be it. I hope you enjoy swimming.” Wait, what?

Then there was the pop of teleportation and suddenly I was lying on a lake that was completely covered in ice as the howling snow wove around me. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep for much longer after that, especially since I wasn’t wearing a shirt. My bare chest was up against the ice, which was an absolutely horrible and painful feeling.

I was still too tired to realize what the fuck just happened, but I knew that suddenly I was extremely cold and I didn’t want to be cold anymore. But it was also completely dark with cloud cover, so I had no idea where the fuck I was. Since it felt like I was on the ice, just about anywhere would be better than where I was, so I scrambled to my feet, wrapped my wings around myself as best I could, and started walking.

Not a minute later, I teleported out again, this time to stand in front of a smiling Luna who immediately stopped smiling when she saw me. “Why aren’t you covered in water?”

“It’s f-fucking winter!” I yelled, my teeth chattering like crazy.

“...Oh.”

And then I shook my head to prove that yes, I was covered in water, just water of the more frozen kind. She flinched when some of the melting snow hit her. “Fuck, it’s c-cold...” I muttered, looking around. We were now in the foyer of the library instead of my room. “I’m going back to bed. I bet it’s warm there.”

“Nay, I’m afraid not,” Luna said, using magic to stop me. “Come close. Proximity shall warm you while we talk.”

“A blanket would be better,” I sighed as I was tugged with magic into a more physical grip. One of her wings went around my shoulder as she led me to a large open space on the floor.

“But a friend should not let her friend suffer, correct?”

“Then why’d you throw me out in the snow?”

“I needed you awake,” she replied, sitting down and forcing me down with her. When she had me next to her, the wing tightened its grip and she leaned her head onto my shoulder. “There. Now you shall warm up quickly.”

“So soft,” I sighed, my body slumping down in its tiredness.

“Do not fall asleep again yet, Nav. Do you remember my offer?”

“N-no.”

“It involved meeting my sister.”

“Not ringin’ any bells.” She snorted. “I’m tired. And I’ve had shit on my mind.”

“Hm. We spoke of you meeting my sister some time in the future. That time has come. My sister will have some time free in the coming days. I believe it is time you met her. And she agrees. After hearing about you for so long from Twilight, she believes it is time to meet Equestria’s unique resident.”

Only from Twilight? “And you couldn’t have told me this when I woke up? Or earlier today?”

“I have a busy schedule as well. I came to get you when I could.”

“...Get me? We’re going to Canterlot?”

“Indeed. I will give you a few more moments to warm up and then you must pack what you will need for a day or two at the castle. I suggest traveling lightly.”

“This is… your sister we’re talking about. The one that will smite me if I’m not on my best behavior? Or if I’m not dressed just perfectly? Or if I don’t address her in just the right way?”

“What? No!” she replied with shock on her tongue. “‘Tia is no brute, no monster! Why wouldst thou even think so?”

“Watch your language,” I sighed, popping my neck to give me a moment to think. “The way everyone speaks about her, she sounds like a monster. Rarity told me that if I ever met her, I just absolutely had to look my best or there’s no telling what she’d do. Twilight told me that I would have to learn perfect manners and how to address her properly or the princess would banish me. Almost everyone just seems absolutely horrified of her. No one gets that kind of reputation without a reason.”

She sniffed and looked away. “There is no reason for my sister to have such a reputation. True, in our earlier years, she was more of a hothead, but she has since been cooled and molded into a more proper shape. How she allowed such a reputation to come to be, I do not know.” She was silent for a few seconds, thinking. Eventually she said, “Well… Perhaps it is for the best that the common ponies know not to bother her. We must be aloof from the common population. I forgot that in my… time away.”

“Why?” I asked. She blinked, surprised. “Why would you need to hold yourself aloof?”

“It is… not proper,” she said after a few more seconds of thought.

“Says who? You two are the prime princesses of the planet, right? Don’t you get to decide what’s proper?”

“...My sister and I live longer than do our subjects. It is not wise to form lasting relationships with them.”

“And yet here you are, your wing around me. We’re friends, aren’t we? Are you saying that’s a bad thing?”

As soon as I mentioned her wing, it flinched, but didn’t pull back. She did look away, though, blushing. “We… we are above them. It isn’t proper!”

“And now you’re just using rehearsed lines.”

That got her to pull away. “Go pack, Navarone,” she somewhat coldly said. “I will remain here.”

“What about Twilight?” I asked as I stood. “If I just disappear, she’ll be worried.”

“I will leave her a note,” she replied. “Now hurry. The sooner you return, the sooner you can begin sleeping again.”

“Amen to that,” I wearily sighed, trudging to the stairs. When I got to the room I came to call my own, I realized I had no way of packing anything. No bags or anything. So I just shrugged and pulled out the robes I used for the Halloween costume, threw a few sets of clothes in the center of them, got more fully dressed myself, tied the bundle up, and walked on back down to where Luna waited.

“What does ‘amen’ mean?” she asked when I got back down.

“It’s… a word we use to conclude a prayer. Or to show we agree with something.”

“And a prayer?” she asked. “I don’t think I’ve heard that term.”

I sighed, my wings drooping. “I’m tired, Luna. And didn’t you just say you were running low on time?”

“Avoiding the question only increases my desire to know the answer,” she said with a smile, stepping closer.

“Uh huh. Well, unless you feel like carrying me to a bed in the palace, I suggest you get us there soon or I’ll fall asleep standing up.”

“Ugh. So be it. But do not think I will forget this, Navarone.” My answer was a well-timed yawn. “Prepare yourself. I do not think you have had a long distance teleportation trip yet.”

“Nope. How bad can it—” The sound of everything disappearing cut me off. It was only for a second before we reappeared somewhere completely different. “—be?” I casually finished, not really perturbed.

“Wait a moment.” I did and almost immediately felt nauseous. She noticed my face and said, “It will pass. Too much magic build-up in somepony relatively unused to it causes some minor physical discomfort. But nothing dangerous.”

“Oh God…” I sighed, rubbing at my head with my free hand.

“And now you speak of this… God. You have mentioned him before.”

“Bad Luna. Where’s my bed?”

She rolled her eyes and said, “We are currently in the teleportation chamber. Come. I shall lead you to your bedchamber.”

“Awesome.” She started walking out of the smallish room and I followed. “So do I get a personal maid or anything while I’m here?”

“...Do you desire one?” she dubiously asked.

“Eh. I like the outfits.” She looked at me in surprise. “But… never mind. Don’t even worry about it.”

“So you finally started finding us attractive, hm?” she asked, smiling.

“That’s why I said never mind. I’m tired and still thinking about humans. Don’t worry about it.”

Her eyes narrowed and she turned back. “You will need a guide, of course. The palace is large. I cannot be with you at all times, nor can my sister. I was going to assign a guard to you, but a maid is as good as anything.”

“That’s very unnecessary,” I hastily said. “Not the guide part, mind. But it doesn’t have to be a maid!”

“You requested it. I shall assign a member of the staff to you before you awaken come the morning.”

“Dammit,” I sighed. “Well, I dug this grave myself. Might as well lie in it.”

Her head jerked to me when I mentioned a grave. “Thou wouldst die over such an offense?!”

“Jesus, calm down. It’s a saying from my world. Death there’s a bit more common than it is here, it seems. We joke about it to keep it off our mind. That’s one of the jokes.”

She swatted me with her tail and continued walking again. “Be wary of what you say, Nav. Ponies are very different from humans. Many might have done something rash if you had said such a thing near them.”

“Then I’ll be more wary. At least I haven’t told anyone that I should have just died at birth yet.”

Once again, she looked at me in some mild horror. “Such a statement is… monstrous. Even for a culture that glorifies death, how do you justify such a thing?”

“Because I’m a terrible person. Now can we hurry this up? I’m missing out on some really cool dreams because of this.”

She snorted and increased her gait. “You’re lucky you can dream.”

“...Why? Doesn’t everyone?”

“Yet another difference between our worlds, it appears. Dreaming here is a rare thing, without magical assistance that I currently lack. But that is a discussion for another time. These will be the quarters in which you stay.” Her horn lit up and the door opened, revealing a nice and swanky little apartment.

“Nice place,” I said, entering the room. “No roommates, right?”

“You sleep here alone, unless you would prefer company.”

“Nah, it’s cool,” I said, tossing my robe full of clothing into the corner.

“The bed has plentiful blankets,” she said with a nod toward it. “But if you require more heat, a fire can be set.”

“What? No, it’s fine in here. Wait, shit. ‘Cool’ in that sense is slang. It’s alright the way it is. Sorry, I keep forgetting you don’t know much lingo.”

“I’m learning more,” she quickly replied, perhaps trying to save face or something. “Is there anything else you require before I leave you?”

“Is there an alarm clock or something? Or do I have a schedule I need to follow?”

She nodded and said, “Your maid shall have everything you need to know with her. And she shall be your alarm clock, unless you wake up before she arrives.”

“Alright then. I’m going to bed. Oh, and please make sure she knows I’m not a pony. I don’t want to wake up to screams and then guards.”

“That will not be an issue,” she replied with a nod. “Sleep well and dream easy, Nav.”

“I’ll try. Have fun with your work.”

She just rolled her eyes before departing, pulling the door shut behind her with magic.

“Well shit,” I said to no one in particular, kicking my shoes off and emptying my pockets. Wasn’t expecting to be sleeping in a palace tonight… At least the bed is nice. And soon enough, I was asleep.

A horribly bright light woke me up some time in the morning. “It’s time to wake up,” what should have been a soothingly pleasant voice said. If it wasn’t attached to the person that presumably opened the blinds, I would have been more tempted to get up. Instead I rolled over, away from the sun. “The princess is expecting you, sir. You need to get up.”

“...Princess?” I muttered, not remembering the events of the night before.

“Oh, yes! Princess Celestia is expecting to see you at breakfast this morning.”

That’s when I realized the bed I was in wasn’t very familiar and neither was the voice of the person that was talking to me. I jerked upright, looking around in surprise. “Where… am I?”

“Canterlot Castle!” the lady happily answered. I slowly turned my head her way, beholding a pale blue unicorn with hair a brighter purple than Rarity’s. Her bright green eyes met my dark green pair. “Um… Is that a problem?”

Thankfully, the memories of what happened the night before were coming back at that point. “...Nah. How long do I have before breakfast?”

“Oh, another hour,” she replied, walking over to where I left my clothes.

“Why are you waking me up so early?” I asked, stretching.

“So you can get ready! Are these dirty?”

“Nope. And I don’t need an hour to get ready. I’d need, like, at most fifteen minutes.”

“If they’re clean… why are they on the floor?” she asked, turning back to face me.

“Are you saying the floor isn’t clean?” I asked with a smirk on my face.

“Of course it is! Princess Celestia wouldn’t allow any of her guests to have a dirty room!”

“Then what’s wrong with my clothes on the floor?”

“It’s dir—Oh. It’s improper!”

“That’s weird. I happen to think it’s perfectly proper, if the floor’s clean.” She opened her mouth to respond, but I wasn’t in the mood to pay attention, so I just kept going. “And since I’m awake anyway, I might as well take a shower. So uh… Where’s the bathroom?”

“In the door to the right,” she said, nodding at it. “Everything within is suited for minotaurs. Princess Luna assured me that what would be fitting for them would be fitting for you.”

“Awesome. So are you going to come back in forty-five minutes or something to get me?”

“What? Of course not! I am to help you bathe, sir.”

“No, you’re not.”

“But Princess Luna said that I was to attend you at all times!”

“That’s too damn bad. Either I go without showering or you stay away from me while I do shower.”

“But… I have to follow her orders!”

“Didn’t she say to make sure I was comfortable?”

“No! She said to obey her orders, no matter what.”

“...Oh. Well shit. What were her orders?”

“She… she ordered me not to tell you.”

Oh boy. “What if I said please?” I asked, putting on what I was hoping was a winning smile.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t…”

I sighed and said, “Can you at least just let me take a shower in peace?”

“No. Orders…”

Well, fuck. “Hey, can you just go ask her if it’s okay if I take a shower alone? I’m sure she’ll be reasonable about it.”

“It would be much easier if you just let me wash you! Nopony else minds.”

“Yeah, but they aren’t humans. For us, it’s a massive taboo to be seen naked by anyone that we aren’t very closely familiar with. Just tell Luna that and I’m sure she’ll understand.”

She sighed and looked at a clock before saying, “Oh, very well… I’ll be back shortly, sir. Don’t go anywhere without me!”

“I’ll be right here,” I said, smiling. She nodded once before trotting out the door.

As soon as she was gone, I hopped out of bed, grabbed some clothes from the bundle I brought, and jumped in the shower. It didn’t take me long to figure it out, since all Equestrian showers are standardized. Soon, I was getting nice and clean in a royal shower. Since I had no idea how long it would take the maid, I made sure it was a very short one, just long enough to wash everything.

As soon as I got back into the main room, fully clothed and mostly dry, the lady trotted back in. “Princess Luna said I absolutely must—why are you wet?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, stringing out some of my wet hair. “Luna said what?”

“Your hair! Your hair is wet! I can see the water falling from it right now!”

“Is it?” I held up the strand I was twisting and hmm’d. “Well now, looks like it is. Wonder how that happened.”

“...Did you take a shower?”

“Maybe.”

She stomped her two front hooves in anger. “I was supposed to help you! Princess Luna said I must!”

I shrugged and replied, “I think I’ve more than proved I’m capable of taking a shower for myself. Now, what do we do for the next forty-five minutes?” At her narrowed eyes, I knew I might have a problem. “Hey, don’t tell me you’re mad!” Then her horn lit up. “Come on, we can talk this out!” I felt myself getting pushed back into the bathroom as she advanced. “No! I’ll be good later, I promise!”

She gave me a very dark smile as she closed the door behind her and began removing my clothing. “Oh, I know you will.”

...It’s a good thing she woke me up an hour early. We needed all that extra time for her… ugh, bathing session.

When we finally finished, I felt very much like I needed an adult. But as she assured me herself when I yelled that, she was an adult.

“And you thought you could get ready in fifteen minutes,” she said with a giggle.

“I hate you,” I sighed, smacking away the comb she was trying to run through my hair. The hair that was in a ponytail, mind.

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic! If you hadn’t been so recalcitrant, that would have gone much smoother.”

“And if you had been willing to just let it go, we wouldn’t be running late right now.”

“WE’RE LATE?!” Without even stopping to check the clock, she grabbed my hand with her mouth and started galloping down the hall, dragging me along behind her. Of course, we weren’t late. But judging by the speed at which my maid ran, she was utterly terrified of the possibility. When we got outside of a random, nondescript door, she ground to a halt, losing her grip on me and sending me to the floor. “Get up! There’s no time for more sleeping!” Some magic took hold of me, propping me up but doing little to abate the pain I now had from being tossed to a tile floor. “Now remember, be on your best behavior!” Then she licked a hoof and rubbed it against my face to remove some imaginary stain before opening the door and shoving me through, then pulling it shut behind me.

The room was bereft of other occupants, so thankfully no one saw how I stumbled in. It also gave me some time to look around the room and learn where things were. The only important thing that I saw was a table with six seats, four in the middle and one on each end. Behind one of the chairs was a rising sun and behind the other, a waxing moon. The table itself was well-polished but bare wood. There was only one other door in the room, leading somewhere else. Only six plates, each with a basic set of silverware, and a single candelabra adorned the table. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was just the dining room of a well-to-do family instead of royalty.

But I knew better. Still, that didn’t stop me from walking to the other side of the table and sitting in the chair next to what I was assuming was Luna’s side of the table. Then I just waited.

After getting woken up the night before and then much earlier than I’m used to, I was feeling really tired, even after the excitements of the morning. My head was on the table and I might have dozed off when a quietly cleared throat got my attention. I flinched off the table and looked to my right, where Luna was now sitting.

“You’re really quiet,” I said, blinking the sleep out of my eyes.

“Greetings, Navarone,” a new and different voice said from my left. My head panned that way and a large white horse filled my eyes. She had wings and a horn, like Luna. And she was wearing a much larger crown and a large gold neck bangle. Her hair was a mix of pastel colors, flowing in the wind like Luna’s does at night. Her eyes were a dark pink. She seemed… tired.

Alright, meeting a new princess. Act natural. “...Hello, Princess,” I said as casually as I could. “Sorry for uh… being asleep.”

“Oh, it’s no problem. My sister told me she woke you up quite late last night. And from the reports that Twilight has been sending, you don’t tend to be awake this early.”

Twilight sends a lot of fucking reports, doesn’t she? “Not usually, no,” I replied. “And having a maid forcing me into a bathtub against my will didn’t help wake me up, either,” I added, giving Luna a very pointed look. I looked back to her sister when she began to talk.

“You have an aversion to being clean?” Celestia asked, somewhat confused. “That isn’t something that was mentioned.”

“To my people, it’s a massive taboo to be seen naked by anyone that we don’t know very well. And even more of one to be… bathed by another.”

Luna snorted and said, “You will never settle in well should you not begin accepting our customs instead of yours, Nav.”

Celestia said something before I could. “And we should not make a guest uncomfortable, Luna. If he finds it awkward to be bathed, then he shall no longer be bathed. It is an ancient tradition that fell out of favor long ago, anyway. Where you found a maid that would be willing to do such a thing, I don’t know.”

“More than willing,” I muttered, rubbing my hands together under the table.

“What was that, Navarone?” Celestia asked.

“She seemed… overeager to please,” I said, louder. “I tricked her into leaving and took a shower before she could get back. When she found out what I did, she forced me to take another bath so she could say she did so.”

Celestia’s gaze slowly moved to Luna as she said, “I wonder what could have given her that kind of urgency.”

“We can discuss this later,” Luna icily replied. “The hour is early and I am weary. Shall we not eat to break your fast, sister?”

“We should indeed, sister. Navarone, I trust Twilight’s report about your diet was accurate?”

“Uh. If she wrote down everything I told her, yes. Unless you have nothing but flowers and hay, I can probably eat something.”

“Excellent.” Her horn lit up and a soft chime sounded throughout the room. Moments later, a few servants entered the room from the other door, each with platters of food. “My apologies at being unable to provide meat for you,” she said, not really sounding overly apologetic. “It is not something we generally keep on hoof, save for when certain ambassadors are visiting.”

“It’s no problem,” I said as the servants began stacking non-meaty breakfast foods on the table. “Honestly, I’m surprised you all seem so understanding about the issue.”

“Not all of us are,” she replied. “It is something I suggest you keep quiet. No pony will make any attempts to harm you over it, but most ponies are… not overly friendly with those that voluntarily eat meat.”

I muttered, “...Good thing I haven’t mentioned my hunting trips,” under my breath.

“What was that?” Celestia asked, smiling.

“I’ve found ways of getting meat on my own,” I said, louder. “The Everfree has monsters no one will miss. I have cravings for meat. Everybody wins.”

“Until you make a mistake,” Celestia said.

“Thrill of the hunt,” I replied with a large smile, ensuring my canines were showing. Oh God, why did I do that? I was thankful for Luna breaking the conversation.

“Enough talk,” Luna said as the servants began filing out. “I, for one, hunger and long for bed.”

“We can eat while we talk, sister,” Celestia said, levitating some fruit from one of the platters. “But yes, it is time to eat. Take whatever you desire, Nav.” Already using Nav instead of Navarone? Interesting.

“It’s nice to have fruit other than apples,” I commented, grabbing a slice of honeydew.

“Ponyville is an out of the way town, not used to importing,” Celestia said with a shrug. “And it’s definitely an Apple town.”

I just had to get summoned to the ass end of nowhere. “Definitely different from what I’m used to. It’s weird being in such a small town for so long, especially one not connected to the economy.”

“Oh?” she said. “What are you used to?”

“Large cities. Well, large-ish. Only a few million people—” Both of them flinched when I said that. “What?”

“...Nothing,” Luna finally said. “Go on.”

“...Only a few million people, but we’re still connected to the global market. It’s hard not to be, where I come from. It’s weird to go to the market and see so little variety.”

“Your world sounds… different,” Celestia finally said. “But surely things aren’t all bad here?”

“Different doesn’t mean bad, Princess,” I said by way of answer. “Yes, I would much rather be home where I belong. But failing that, this place isn’t so bad. As long as I’m human.”

“Was being a pony so distasteful to you?” Celestia asked, one of her eyebrows lifting.

I snorted and said, “It was probably the worst experience I’ve had in my entire life, and I’ve almost been killed before. Twilight told me she felt similar about being a human. I’m glad it’s over.”

“What was so bad about it?” Luna asked. “As handsome as you appeared, surely all the ponies were friendly!”

“I didn’t have fingers. I was on all fours all the time, which feels wrong. All my senses were different, throwing me off entirely. My eyes were larger and in different places. My nose picked up more. My ears kept twitching. There were pheromones in the air that drove me mad at one point because I wasn’t used to them. It cursed me with these damn wings that I still can barely control. So yeah, thank you for turning me back, Luna.”

“You are most welcome, Nav,” she happily replied.

“It is always interesting to see how somepony reacts to change,” Celestia commented. “Twilight sent me many reports about her experiences in the different shape.” Does that purple horse do anything other than send reports? “Though I’m surprised she didn’t use the spell on you to cancel out the effects of the pheromones. Didn’t you ask her?”

“...No,” I slowly said. “I didn’t. I assumed it was just me. I did mention it to someone, but she didn’t know what I was talking about.”

“Well, no harm done,” Celestia said, shrugging. No harm my ass.

I didn’t have much to say after that. Which turned out to be good, because there was a lot of food and I was rather hungry. Not talking made eating easier and faster. Though it did worry me slightly that Celestia had cake for breakfast. I didn’t comment on it, of course; it’s hardly my place to tell someone that can squash my fucking head like a grape what she can and can’t eat.

“It is time for me to sleep, Nav,” Luna told me, standing from her chair. How did she even sit in that thing, anyway? “I will arrange transportation for you to return home tonight, should you desire it.”

“Then I guess I’ll see you when you wake up,” I replied with a shrug.

“Rest well, sister,” Celestia said, nodding.

“I shall,” Luna said, her horn lighting up. With a quick pop, she disappeared.

Celestia just smiled, shaking her head. “So lazy. Now, would you like to go somewhere more conducive to pleasant discourse? This room is comfortable, but not suited for lengthy visits.”

“Sure, I guess.”

“I hope you don’t mind walking,” she said, standing from her chair.

“I very much prefer it,” I answered, also standing. “I’m definitely not used to magic.”

“And flying?” she asked, walking to the door. I fell into step behind and then next to her after we got out of the room. The maid was not out there.

“Fuck flying,” I said. “I hate these damn wings.”

“Many would see them as a blessing, not a curse.”

“Those ‘many’ are probably ponies. Humans are not shaped to accommodate them. Anyone that thinks they’re a blessing are welcome to have my set.”

“...I’m sure you’ll come to accept them, in time.”

“Probably. But until I do, I’ll hate them.”

“Were I younger, I’d tell you to count your blessings and try to find the good in everything you do.”

“It’s a good thing you’re not younger, then. I’m perfectly content in my misery.”

For some reason, a smile bloomed on her mouth. “I think we’re going to be good friends, Nav.” That’s not ominous or anything.

“If you say so.”

She chuckled and said, “If you aren’t interested in being friends, I understand. But many ponies feel somewhat dwarfed when meeting me and grow nervous. You didn’t. I think it would be quite nice to have somebody like that as a friend.” Even changed her racist wording. Neat.

“My grandfather had a saying. ‘Size don’t matter for much. Neither does age.’ You probably wouldn’t like the rest of it, but that’s the important part.” Them horses may be older and bigger than you, but don’t let that stop you from makin’ them do whatever you say. “You seem alright, so far.”

“Then I hope that impression lasts. Here we are…” she stopped in front of one of the many doors along the halls and pushed it open with magic. “Come in, come in.” We both entered what looked like a decent-sized sitting room. A few bookshelves and writing desks lined the walls. A large window was inlaid into the back wall, showing a pretty courtyard garden. A few lounging sofas that ponies seemed to like were arranged about the room. “Make yourself comfortable,” she said, lying across one of them. “Now, let’s have a conversation, you and I.”

“...What kind of conversation?” I warily asked, not sure how I should feel.

“Preferably a polite one. You obviously aren’t used to showing deference to anypony and I’m much the same. It will be nice to have an actual conversation with somepony instead of me ordering somepony to do something or having to listen to Twilight’s stories.” I knew someone else had to think Twilight’s tales were boring. “It has been a long time since I was able to actually talk to somepony.”

I shrugged and said, “Name your topic, then, and let us converse. Though I can’t promise to be as knowledgeable or experienced as you’d hope.”

And so we talked. The topic started at morality, went to philosophy, delved into human mentality versus pony mentality, dipped into the little physics I still remembered, dived into calculus, sauntered into some minor astrophysics theory, somehow meandered from there into underwater basket weaving, touched on modern human medicine, and finally ended on my impressions of some of the people I had met so far in Equestria.

“You know, Twilight’s my star student, and I feel like I should defend her, but you pretty much nailed her spot on,” Celestia laughed. “I had some idea of what to expect from you,” she said on a more serious note, “but I must say that I’m happy to finally meet you. If you are anything like the rest of your species, which you say you aren’t, I wouldn’t complain to see more of them here.”

“You might not, but I would,” I answered. “According to some theories about stuff like this back home, my dimension literally doesn’t exist anymore. But I still can’t help but think that somewhere, my family is missing me and wondering what the hell happened to me, how I just completely disappeared out of my room. And some people are a lot closer to their family than I was. If you started taking more of them away, some of those people would resent you and try to get back at you for it. And there is no force in the multiverse stronger than a group of humans plotting revenge. You may think you’re immortal now, but piss some people off where I come from and you’d find out for sure. And if you are, you might end up wishing you weren’t.”

She smiled at that, oddly. “An interesting response. So, what do you say to being alone here? The only human in our world. A very lonely position, I must imagine.”

“Yep, sure is.” I shrugged and neutrally said, “Life sucks and then you die. I’m still alive, so you better believe it’s gonna keep sucking. Lonely or not, humans are survivors. That is our long history and as the only one here, I shall do my best to hold onto the tradition.”

“That is a… bleak and depressing outlook, Nav. Wouldn’t you rather have somepony to love you?”

“No offense about this, but I’m really, really not interested in ponies. I have no attraction to your race and no desire for a relationship with any one of you. On the off chance my highly emotionally battered soul can even find love, I very much doubt I’ll find it here.”

She smiled and said, “You’re young. You may yet change your tune.”

“Maybe. But I’ve yet to see any kind of psychologist in Equestria and my childhood left me without the emotion of love. So I wouldn’t hold your breath. Hell, even if I could, I’m wired differently than all the ponies I’ve met so far. I’m fine being around most of them for short periods, but I can’t stand being around them for long. They’re too bright, too cheery. I’m way too bitter to be in a relationship with any of them.”

“Not all ponies are like that, Nav. Many of them also have problems, things that keep them from being constantly happy. Ponyville is a small town, away from the world. You’re more likely to find ponies more like you in a city like… say, Canterlot.”

“Eh. Still have the problem of being unable to care for someone. But none of that is really important. Why are you so interested about my ‘lonesome’ status, anyway?”

“You are one of my subjects now, like it or not, and I like to know how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. And since you’re my only human subject, I can’t base your feelings or thoughts off anypony else’s. And besides, you are my friend, are you not? Is it truly so bad for one friend to care about another’s problems?”

“I wouldn’t know. I didn’t have much in the way of friends back home after one of them almost fucking killed me. And not many of the ‘friends’ I have here spent much time asking me about my problems.”

“Then I’ll be sure to schedule more talks for us. It’s unhealthy to have nopony to talk to.”

I smirked and asked, “So who do you vent to, Princess?”

“My sister, of course.” She paused for a second before adding an uncertain, “...Usually.”

“You know, someone once told me that it’s unhealthy to have no one to talk to. If you ever need to complain, I might not mind listening.”

“...I shall keep that in mind. Now tell me, how do you feel about gardens?”

“Eh, they’re alright. But I can’t imagine one that would be overly green in the winter.”

She chuckled and replied, “Then I’m glad I’ll get to show you something unimaginable. Come along.”

“If we’re going outside, I’m going to need a coat,” I said as she stood. “There’s one in my room.”

“Oh no, you won’t need one here.”

“...If you say so,” I dubiously said, standing.

“You’ll see. Now come along,” she said, leading the way back into the hall. I fell into step beside her. “Have you heard Fluttershy talking about the gardens here?”

“Nope. I don’t spend much time with her. She always seems like she’s afraid of me or something.”

“From what I’ve heard, you don’t spend much time with any of the ponies at all.”

“Hm. So what about the gardens?”

“They’re very meticulously tended and magic is used to ensure the plants within rarely age or die. The flowers aren’t always in bloom, but the cold of the winter doesn’t kill them.”

“Tch, magic. Figures,” I muttered.

It seems she heard that, however. “Is there a problem with magic?”

“It’s cheating,” I replied. “I had some family back home that would keep a perfect garden all year ‘round and none of us had any magic. If I was ever cursed to have a cutie mark as retarded as gardening, I know I’d hate it if someone used magic to ruin my work and keep me idle most of the time.”

Her strides slowed as she contemplated that. Finally she said, “That is a very… rough way of looking at things. But I will certainly ask the gardeners their preferences. If they feel the magic is detracting from the beauty of their work, the magic will be removed. Though I didn’t take you for a gardener.”

“Thank God, I’m not. I said some of my family is, not me. I don’t care enough about plants or art to do anything like that.”

“Oh come now. Everypony has an artsy side.”

“Every pony. I ain’t no pony. Ain’t never gonna be one again, either, not if I can help it. Some of us humans are a bit more centralized in what we do. And what I do doesn’t involve art. I don’t mind looking at some of it, but I have no desire to make it. But I’m sure you’re not interested in that. What about you? What kinda hobbies you got?”

She took a moment to consider before saying, “I quite enjoy reading, though I don’t get much time for it anymore. Sparring as well, though I definitely don’t get many ponies willing to compete against me.” Understandable, big as you are. “And of course, walks through the garden. Which will begin now!” We finally arrived to a set of double doors that led out into a very large garden.

Together, we exited the palace and began walking into a very nice garden. As she promised, it was nice and warm out there. “The air feels… strange,” I said, waving my arm through it slowly. “Warm, but… off.”

“Residual magic,” she explained. “Most ponies don’t even notice since they’re so used to it. There aren’t too many active fields like this in Ponyville, though, so it’s no surprise that you would notice.”

“Hm. Seems weird to have such a large garden with no animals in it, though. With as warm as it is, I figured it would be a hotspot for animals.”

“Oh, it is,” she answered before letting out a low whistle. At her signal, I could hear rustling in all the bushes and trees around us. Soon, dozens of critters were scampering toward us.

“Oh God. That’s a lot of animals.” As long as they stay away from me, I have no problems.

“Indeed it is,” she said as the animals crowded around her. I quietly backed away, hoping none would fuck with me. “It’s said that the palace has the largest collection of small animals in the kingdom, but that’s not quite true. A number of zoos have larger collections.” She began handing out pettings and the like. “There’s no need to be shy, Nav. Now that they know you’re with me, they don’t mind you.”

“Pass. I’m not a fan of animals.”

“Until it comes to eating them?” she asked, smiling over at me.

“Hey, if God didn’t want me to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of food. Besides, they taste good and I need the protein.”

“Oh, I know…” She reached down to one of her critters and gently pushed it my way. “But just look at this one! You two have so much in common.”

The animal in question was a monkey. It looked up at me with wide eyes, tilting its head to the side. My eyes narrowed, returning to Celestia. “Did I ever tell you about the horses I used to ride back home?”

She clucked her tongue, catching all of the animals’ attentions. “Go on, now,” she pleasantly called, using her wings to shoo them away. “Return to where you were.” The animals slowly left, casting numerous backwards glances to their mistress. “So loving,” she sighed, watching the last of them depart. “I’m surprised Philomena didn’t come, though.”

“Who?” As I asked that, I felt something heavy and sharp latching onto my shoulder and then felt a dry wind hitting my head, signifying something landing. And then the new thing on my shoulder let out a loud and annoying squawk right next to my ear.

“Ah, Philomena! Navarone, this is my pet phoenix, Philomena. Though it seems you’ve already met.”

“...Yeah. Can you get off me?” I asked the fiery-appearing bird. It just leaned in and started nibbling gently on my ear. “Why do all birds do that?”

“I don’t know, but your shoulder gives her the perfect perch for it! I always thought it felt quite nice, personally.”

I started shaking my shoulder, trying to dislodge it. “I don’t. Hear that? She likes it. Go eat her ear, not mine.” It didn’t move. I sighed and looked over to Celestia. “Can you get this thing off me?” The bird squawked in my ear again. “Quickly, please.”

“I don’t think she likes being referred to as a ‘thing’, Nav,” Celestia said.

“Then it can start acting like a person and prove me wrong,” I said by way of answer.

“...I suggest against antagonizing somepony that can light herself on fire while she’s on your shoulder, Nav,” Celestia said.

One of my eyes twitched as I asked, “Do you have any suggestions, then?”

“Well, your hands would be very good for petting her…”

“Why would a person want to be petted?” I asked. At the sudden twinge of heat next to my face, I relented. “Fine! Christ, get the fuck off me and I’ll pet you.” God, I fucking hate animals. Thankfully, she lifted off me and moved over to Celestia’s back.

I think Celestia managed to read the look on my face and said, “She would be quite upset if you reneged upon your deal, Nav. Angry phoenixes are… definitely a sight to behold.”

“Feh.” The unpleasant feeling I had about being forced into petting the blasted bird didn’t stop me from doing it, though. She seemed quite happy with my hands, all things told. After a minute of playing with her, I backed off. “There. Now fuck off.” She let out a chirp that sounded somewhat happier before taking off…

...And landing on my chest, gripping onto my shirt. I was understandably confused and alarmed by that, but all she did was rub her head against my cheek before taking off again, flying who knows where.

“I fucking hate animals,” I muttered again, brushing the nonexistent animal detritus from my shirt.

“That’s a shame,” Celestia said, smirking. “It seemed that she quite liked you. But we’ve spent enough time out here, I believe. Now is a good time for lunch.”

“Then let’s go eat, shall we? Gotta be better than out here.”

“You said you liked it, I thought.”

“Before I got attacked by a bird. So what’s on the menu this time?”

“Oh, this and that…”

This and that, indeed. Vegetables, sandwiches, fruits, cake (that I let her consume). Typical lunch I’ve come to expect from ponies, though more of it since Celestia’s quite large in comparison.

“Sadly, I’ll have to leave you for some time,” Celestia said. “Even when a princess is supposed to have time off, our schedule will never be completely spotless. It should be a fairly short time, just two hours. Twilight has reported that you have a fascination for books. Would you like to spend the wait in the library?”

I shrugged and said, “Sure, I guess. Better than doing nothing.”

“Excellent. Your guide shall be here shortly. Hopefully Luna has spoken to her about giving you space.”

“Can’t you just tell her to not molest me or something?”

“She is one of Luna’s servants, not mine. It would be a breach of decorum should I give her an order. Though it should not matter, since you are likely leaving tonight anyway.”

“Eh, fair enough. I’ll see you in a few hours, then.”

“Until then.” With that, she left the small dining hall behind.

And then the maid entered three minutes later. Two hours that were fairly boring passed with me in the library and the maid bending over a lot, trying to show off her uniform. But since it wasn’t a sexy French maid outfit, it didn’t bother me any.

And since she was a horse, of course.

When those two hours were up, Celestia appeared at the entrance of the library where I awaited, reading some pony stories. Though I don’t know why I bothered, since they all had happy endings and most of them didn’t have anything bad happening in them.

When Celestia arrived, she asked, “Now, are you ready to attend a small event?”

“Uh. What kind of event?” I somewhat nervously asked, closing the book and setting it aside.

“Nothing major. There is a play that I quite enjoy happening soon and we are going to attend.”

“Alright, I guess. But this time, I’m almost definitely going to need a jacket. It may be warm in your gardens, but it’s probably pretty chilly outside.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. Shall we?”

“If you know which room I’m in, lead the way.”

“Unless Luna changed anything, I know precisely where your room should be. Let us go.” And so we went.

A few minutes later, we arrived. And… “Where are my clothes?” I asked, eyeing the corner where I left them.

“They should definitely be here,” Celestia commented, poking her head in the room. “This is your room, isn’t it?”

“...Yeah.” I started poking around, looking for them. For some reason, they were in the fucking drawers. “Why are they in here?” I asked.

“...Isn’t that where clothes are supposed to go?”

“Well, yeah. But I didn’t put them in here.”

“Then one of the servants probably did. If everything’s there, no harm done. Just find your coat and let’s be on our way.”

“...Alright.” The coat was in a closet, for some stupid reason. Who the fuck puts jackets in closets? Normal people just throw them on things until they need them again! “Now, lead the way.”

Anyway, soon the two of us were walking through the palace. “I hope you don’t mind us walking to the play instead of using the chariot,” Celestia said. “Sometimes it’s nice to just stretch my legs and walk among my ponies.”

“It’s cool. I wouldn’t like being on a pedestal anyway. Though I imagine the two of us are going to garner enough stares anyway.”

“Very likely,” she replied. “I suggest you grow used to it. Unless you feel like becoming a pony permanently, it is something that will probably follow you for some time.”

“C’est la vie,” I sighed, shrugging. She didn’t reply to that. When we got to the castle gates, I asked, “So you aren’t bringing guards?”

“I won’t need them,” she replied. “I prefer not having them when I go on hoof.”

“Eh, I’m unimportant anyway. If anyone’s aiming, it’ll be for you.”

“Your concern for my well-being is touching,” she dryly replied.

“Hey, I’d miss you! But I prefer living too much to take a bullet for you. I’d definitely hold your blood in and rage at the heavens if you got hurt, of course.”

“My hero.” She didn’t sound very enthusiastic, but I could hardly blame her.

Thankfully, the theatre wasn’t that far from the palace, so we didn’t need to be in the cold for very long. Since Celestia was fucking Celestia, we didn’t even see the line. Of course, we both got tons of stares, but that was to be expected.

The two of us got taken to one of the upper VIP box seats, like those at the old opera houses. Here’s hoping there’s no pony version of John Booth.

“I do hope you’ll enjoy this play,” Celestia quietly said as the curtain closed. Turns out we got there just in time.

“I probably won’t, but at least I’m out of the library,” I just as quietly replied.

“Silver lining,” she whispered with a smile.

...It was a reverse-sexed Phantom of the Opera with no bad guy and no tragic ending. No drama, not much conflict, and the resolution just had the lead male character choosing the brighter looking mare. I mean, at least the songs were good, but everything else? Ugh. Three hours of my life, gone.

All the ponies seemed to enjoy it, though, stomping their hooves in approval. Celestia politely clopped her hooves at the end, not dropping the decorum of a proper pony princess. I sat quietly, trying to keep myself awake. “Would you like to meet any of the actors?” Celestia asked.

“Not particularly, no,” I said before yawning. “Your plays are boring as hell compared to ours. Or at least, to me they are.”

“Oh? And what are yours usually like?”

“Take this one. We have something similar back in my world. Reverse all the genders, make the ugly guy evil and secretive, make the red-head more of a bitch, and you got your play. Same basic plot, but a lot more conflict and in the end, the bad guy gets killed or something. Much more entertaining.”

“It sounds unpleasant,” she said, her nose scrunching slightly. “But as you said, at least you got out of the library. If you aren’t interested in speaking to the actors, would you prefer to return to the palace? I believe Luna will be waking up soon and would likely love to hear about your day.”

“I somewhat doubt that, but going back wouldn’t be too bad. Not like there’s much else for us to do, I don’t imagine.”

“Oh, there’s plenty we could do. But it probably is for the best that I bring you back. My sister might be upset that I’m monopolizing her guest, after all.”

“Then she can steal one of yours for some time. If she wants to complain, just tell her to get a better sleeping schedule. Just uh, don’t tell her I said that.”

“That is something I don’t disagree with,” she said, standing and stretching. “Now let us begin the walk to the palace. Better to return while there is still some warmth left from my daylight.” I stood as well, eager to be away from the awful theater with its terrible pony plays.

It didn’t take us long to get back to the palace. A mix of Celestia’s presence and me being a tall, intimidating predator thing got most of the ponies out of our path. I don’t know which was more effective, though the glares I was giving out for being stuck in the cold for any length of time probably did quite a lot.

When we returned, Luna was actually awake. “It does seem a little early for her,” Celestia commented as we walked to the dining hall once again. “Maybe she was excited?”

“If she’s so excited to see me that she can’t sleep, there’s a problem,” I said, scratching at my chin. “She definitely needs more friends, if that’s the case.”

“Is it truly so bad?” Celestia asked. “Many would be flattered to have somepony acting in such a way.”

“I’m not many.”

“...So I’ve seen.” Silence reigned until we got to where we were going. Celestia entered first, since she was the lady. “Ah, sister. Did you sleep well?”

“I did indeed,” Luna answered as I entered. “Did you two have a pleasant day?”

I shrugged and replied, “It was alright. Would’ve been nice with fewer birds attacking me.”

“Philomena was not attacking you,” Celestia sighed, walking over to her chair. “She was playing with you. And it was cute, not awful.”

Luna and I both snorted. She said, “That is certainly a matter of opinion. Your pet phoenix is a menace and she always has been, ever since you found her.”

“A menace you only don’t like because she bonded to me instead of you,” Celestia said, almost… smugly.

Luna pouted and I thought things were about to get ugly when the first servant came in with dinner. I helped myself to a seat closer to best princess and the three of us began to eat. After that, Celestia dragged us both off to that same sitting room, where she forced me to tell Luna how the day went. Then we just shot the shit for an hour or two before Celestia had to head to bed. To me, it was still early, but I was also feeling somewhat tired from getting woken up so early.

“It was nice to finally meet you, Nav,” Celestia said, standing.

“Same to you, Princess,” I replied.

“Oh, please. I thought we had dispensed with the titles long ago. Call me Celestia,” she said.

“Sure. Easier to remember.”

She smiled and said, “ I look forward to our next meeting whenever it might take place. Until then, Nav.”

“Until then,” I said, nodding.

“Good night, sister,” Luna said. They exchanged pleasantries and Celestia departed, leaving me alone with the dark princess of the night. “So what did you think of my sister?” she asked.

“I… honestly don’t know. She’s considerably more playful than I was imagining. And more sarcastic. Definitely interesting to talk to. All in all, I guess I approve of her.”

She giggled and said, “That is certainly nice to hear. Something for the newspapers, I suppose. Local alien approves princess. I wonder what everypony would think.”

“Probably wouldn’t care,” I said with a shrug. “But unfortunately, I’m also really tired. Getting woken up so early will do that to a guy.”

“...Indeed, sadly. I hate to see you depart without being able to spend more time with you, though.”

“There’s all the time in the world, if you can visit me in Ponyville. And, you know, warn me that you’re coming. I don’t mind spending time with you, but I don’t like getting woken up.”

“I shall remember that. But come, let us gather your belongings so that we may send you home.”

“Lead the way. I still don’t know this castle.”

“Even I am still learning it,” she said, standing. “This palace is large, overly so. The old castle we had was much more compact.”

“Changing size for changing times,” I said, joining her as we left the room. “Larger population with more needs. And more ambassadors. It makes sense that it grew. But I’m sure you’ll get us there just fine.”

She smiled at my encouragement, not that she needed it. She proved that well when, sure enough, we made it. And it didn’t take very long for me to gather up all of my stuff, either.

“Ready when you are,” I said with a nod.

“Come close, then,” she said. “Magic works easier when the participants are nearer.” I stepped up next to her. I only had time to see her wicked grin before she snatched me into a hug that I couldn’t return with my arms full. “Always be wary,” she giggled into my ear.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You got me. I’ll see you later, Luna.”

“Later or soon,” she said. “Goodbye for now, however. Prepare yourself.”

I saw the flash of a horn lighting up and that was all before my first trip to Canterlot was over.

Chapter Nine—Hunter... or hunted?

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VlQylpoPDlEWxkAJjVeLgX2nUfUo_lShWxdIKGWLbVE/edit

One night after Twilight and Spike went off to bed, I got another visit from the princess of the night. “How can I help you, Luna?” I asked, trying to stop her from looking into the library behind me.

“Allowing me out of the cold for a few moments would be nice,” she said. Fuck. I stood aside and let her enter. “My thanks. It is quite… What were you doing in here?” she asked, looking at the crossbow I had broken down and the bolts I was readying.

“You kinda caught me at a bad time,” I said, shutting the door and walking past her. “I was about to go hunting. It can wait until tomorrow, though.”

“Hunting… In the Everfree, I assume?” she asked, walking up to the crossbow parts and examining them.

“Yep. I would go to the Whitetail Woods and hunt, but apparently the deer are sapient and I don’t eat things that can talk. The Everfree has plenty of its own dangers, but I’m very careful and don’t usually go in far enough to find anything overly large.”

“I see… And why go at night, in the cold?”

“The cold is a tradition thing. Hunting season back where I come from is in winter. And there’s usually a lot of movement at night, I’ve found. It’s a lot harder to see, though, which is a big problem. But once I make my kill, I just fly out as quickly as I can.”

“Very well, then. I shall go with you.”

“...What? It’s not safe for a princess there!”

“I know you speak out of ignorance, so I will take no offense. But there was a saying long ago. The sun is the shield of Equestria. The moon is the sword. It will interest me to see how you hunt.”

“...And you won’t be disturbed by the sight of me skinning anything?”

“I most definitely will not. It is more likely I will be able to teach you something, I believe.” For some reason, I find that hard to believe.

“Alright,” I sighed, shrugging. “Let me just put this together, get changed, and then we can go.”

It didn’t take me long to fit all the parts of the crossbow back together. It was somewhat shabbily made and I very much wanted to get a better one, but not having much in the way of money put a damper on that. I need to start doing odd jobs or something. These hands have gotta be worth some kinda money.

Luna watched very intently as I put the crossbow together. “I have never seen such a weapon,” she admitted when it was in one piece.

“That’s not too surprising,” I said. “It takes fingers to use, after all. I’ll be back down in a second.”

She seemed content to study the crossbow more as I went to put on some colder weather clothes. I had that set specifically designed to be used for night hunting. It was basically just dark camouflage. I got dressed quickly, so soon enough I was back down to the front room of the library.

Luna had moved her observations to my bolts. “Are these forms of… spears?” she asked.

“Sort of.” I picked up the crossbow and put ten of the broadhead bolts in a quiver I made just for hunting. The bolts went around my waist and the crossbow went around my shoulder. “You ready?”

“I have no need for weapons, so yes.” Show off.

“Then let’s go,” I said, walking to the door. We let ourselves out and made sure the door was closed behind us, then started walking to the forest. “So how much do you know about the Everfree?”

“Little, other than that it has a special resonance with me. It started as a dark grove atop a bastion of evil. When I went to cleanse it… I failed. It has since grown, though it seems that its expansion has stopped. It needs to be mapped, but many are wary of it. And Celestia refuses to allow me to send anypony within.”

“That might be for the best. That place is hellish.”

“Yes, but it could possibly still be cleansed. The forest is… alive, in a way. It feels dangers and sends its monsters to seek them out. The more dangerous you make yourself, the more dangerous the forest will become. And the further you go to the heart, the more and more frenzied its attempts will be to cast you out. Going in as a simple hunter along the fringes is safe. But going in deeper, armed to the teeth, would be a fatal mistake.”

“Then let’s not make that mistake,” I said, my feathers ruffling.

“...Very well, Nav. So what do you hunt tonight?”

“Whatever I can find that’s small enough to carry out but enough to provide for more than one meal. With as much variety as there is in that place, it shouldn’t be hard to find something fairly quickly.”

“Are there any beasts of which I will need to be wary?” she asked. “There is little that can harm me, I believe, but such overconfidence has cost many a battle.”

“You see any chicken heads, look away immediately,” I said. “Same for buffalo heads. You meet the eye of a cockatrice or a catoblepas, have fun getting turned to stone. And be wary of even the flowers. There are patches of blue ones in there called poison joke that’ll fuck you up just by touching them. Same for any inconspicuous animals. I’ve seen a regular rabbit in there make something twice its size run away in terror once.” Shame I didn’t have a holy hand grenade with me.

“...I shall be cautious. You know that I could have griffins supply you with meat, right?”

“Shit, really?” I asked. “How much would that cost me?”

“Continued friendship, of course,” she said. “It wouldn’t be too expensive for them to make a side detour to Ponyville. They already supply a restaurant in Canterlot, after all.”

“That would… certainly be nice. That said, and try not to take this the wrong way, but killing things is fun. It gives me an adrenaline rush like nothing else. Most humans feel the same way, even if they don’t like to admit it. There’s just something about taking a life that feels so… empowering. I could easily live without it, and if the forest gets too dangerous I will, but why go without that rush if I don’t have to?”

She slowly nodded, pretending like she understood. “I used to be friends with many dragons that spoke the same way of killing,” she quietly said, looking forward. “They spoke of battle and the rush from finding and besting a foe. I confess, even I have felt a similar rush at many times, but I fear I lack the instinctive joy given to those lucky souls born as predators instead of herbivores.”

That is probably the creepiest thing she might have ever said to me. “...There are times when you scare me.”

“Fear not the night, Nav,” she said, “for the night is your friend, and friends have little to fear from friends.” I let that kill the conversation because I really didn’t like where it was going.

And besides, we were at the forest. I stopped right before entering and unslung the crossbow to cock it. “When we get in there, if you hear anything, quietly let me know,” I said. “With those big ears, you can probably pick up more stuff than I can.”

“Alright,” she answered. “Same for smell?”

“Sure, I guess. How quiet can you be?”

“Not very. However, magic has a solution.” Her horn lit up and a spell slowly settled over her, an aura slowly sinking down to her hooves. When it hit the ground, it dissipated and she nodded, then waved a hoof to the forest.

I fitted a bolt into the crossbow and began walking in, keeping the weapon raised and ready. As soon as I got past the first row of trees, I felt the darkness intensify around me. The forest itself seemed to suck some of the life from me, but I was used to it at that point. I continued on, Luna silently ghosting behind me. While I couldn’t be nearly as quiet as her cheating ass could, I made sure not to unsettle too many of the fallen leaves as I walked, peering through the dead underbrush of the forest.

The only times I could see very well were when shafts of moonlight swept through the little remaining foliage of the upper layer, casting the area in a pale glow. For a while, the forest itself was silent and the only sounds I could hear were the footsteps I was making and my own steady breathing, each breath of which sent out a thin plume of fog. Slowly, as the bugs and lesser creatures of the forest became used to my presence once again, more noises began joining me.

There weren’t too many things out since it was winter, but a gentle cacophony of bugs and some manner of night birds soon picked up. The ‘forest’ part of Everfree Forest was somewhat of a misnomer. The actual place was a strange mix of jungle, swamp, and forest, with animals of all types present. Plants of all types, as well. I’d dread entering the place come summer due to horribly humid weather within.

We were walking within the place for about ten minutes when I felt something pull on my shoulder. I came to a stop, looking around. Luna used the hoof that stopped me to point to the left. I slowly turned that way, aiming the crossbow before me. My breath caught when I saw the animal that was passing near us. It appeared to be a mix between a saber-toothed lion, a dragon, a scorpion, and a unicorn. Catlike head with large tusks, a single horn, a scorpion stinger, and scales covering the entire thing. Dingonek…

I knelt down quietly, watching it walk past and trying to make myself as small and silent a target as possible. Don’t notice me, don’t notice me… For the love of God, just keep walking… I very seriously doubted that my crossbow could even pierce that thing’s scales and I didn’t want to fucking find out. Even if I could hurt it, there’s no way I’d want to try eating that thing or dragging it out. Hell, what was something so dangerous doing so close to the edge?

Thankfully, it soon moved out of sight. I waited another three minutes before standing again and continuing on my way. Luna followed with nary a sound, her hoof-falls swallowed in the void of the spell she cast.

About fifteen minutes later, I got lucky and spotted something a little to the right. I held up a fist, hopefully letting Luna know to stop, and knelt down, aiming the crossbow at the two bird-like creatures in front of me. Chickcharneys, they were. Those things are basically long-limbed owls with legs and really weird arms. The bestiary Twilight gave me about animals in the forest had a number of legends associated with those things, but none of them were very important.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a very good shot from where I was. There were too many dead shrubs and shit in the way. So I started slowly and quietly circling, trying to find a better spot from which to fire. The two birds appeared to be foraging on the ground floor, which probably meant they found a rat or something and were either tearing it apart or waiting for it to emerge from its cover.

From the small actions they were making, I knew they knew they were being watched, and both seemed tensed to fly away at any signs that I was actually getting closer. The animals in the forest aren’t used to things that have ranged weapons, thankfully, so they didn’t know it would be within their best interests to flee immediately instead of waiting.

I taught one of them that lesson seconds later, sending him flying away in terror when I killed his friend from fifteen yards with the crossbow. Birds aren’t exactly the most resilient of creatures, so it was easily a one shot kill. I immediately reloaded the crossbow and continued to wait, kneeling. Luna moved from her position where I left her over to me and put a hoof on my shoulder, cocking her head in confusion.

“Wait,” I very, very quietly whispered. She blinked and looked around before joining me in kneeling, watching the scene before us. It took about twenty more minutes, but the other bird finally flew back from where it had been hiding, alighting on a nearby branch and looking at its friend’s body, presumably wondering if it would be worth continuing the search for the rat they were originally looking for.

So they’re just like deer. Even with a dead one in the field, they’ll come back. Interesting. I lifted the crossbow and shot him as well, forgetting until I pulled the trigger to correct my aim for the height difference. Since I was aiming at the center of mass, the bolt completely obliterated its face, dropping it to the ground floor and sending the bolt careening off into the forest.

I just shrugged and stood, reloading the crossbow again before walking to the clearing. Luna joined me. “Simple,” I whispered, nodding at the two dead birds. “Won’t taste the best since they’re predators, but better than nothing.”

“Is that it, then?” Luna asked, removing her spell. “You murder them from afar?”

“Hey, I don’t have any natural hunting mechanisms,” I said, grabbing the one under the tree and dragging it to the center with the other. “No claws, no teeth. Humans hunt with their brains, not their bodies. To that end, we make tools. A crossbow is one such tool that enables easier killing. You can argue that it isn’t sporting. But hunting isn’t about sport. Hunting is about getting food. And here I have two very fine examples of food. Now let’s go before the smell of blood attracts something bigger than the two of us combined.” I kept one hand around the crossbow’s pistol-grip and put the other around the legs of the two birds, lifting my wings.

“Let us leave this place, then,” Luna said, nodding. She took off first and I let her get above the treeline before joining her in the air. Together, we flew back towards Ponyville. But we didn’t make it all the way, since I wasn’t about to go into town with two dead birds like that. “Why are we stopping here?” Luna asked when we got to the place I habitually cooked my meat.

“Because Twilight doesn’t like it when I skin things in her house,” I said, setting the two birds down on a cleared patch of dirt next to the little stream. “There’s plenty of dead wood in the little copse there and the stream makes cleaning tools easy. I’ll pluck and skin them, cook some of the meat now, and bring the rest back to cook later. Twilight doesn’t much like it, but she hasn’t complained enough yet to make me stop.”

“I see. And would you mind a guest at your miniature feast?”

“Hey, if you want to eat meat, that is on you. But if you get sick, don’t blame me. If you want to save me some time, go get some dried wood so we can get a fire going.”

Her horn lit up and one of the rocks I set up in a circle lit on fire. The blaze spread to the others around it, creating a burning ring of fire.

“...Alright, that works. It means you’re going to be waiting while I pluck and skin these, though.”

Once again, her horn lit up, lifting the two of the birds off the ground. Her eyes narrowed and suddenly every feather off both of them was ripped out. My eyebrows lifted in surprise.

“You can cheat, I get it. Are you gonna rip their skin off, too? Just take the rest of the honesty out of it?”

“Do you enjoy plucking and skinning your kills?” she asked, lifting one of her eyebrows.

“No. But if I’m going to murder them in such a dishonest way, treating their bodies with respect is the least I can do to repay them. Disdainfully using magic in such a way ruins any chance to make up for it.”

“The dead are dead, Nav. They have no feelings, no cares left. Assuaging your guilt over their immediate and unfair demise is one thing. But you should not pretend that you do such a thing for their benefit rather than your own. If it will make you feel better, take your time with this one,” she said, pushing the one that didn’t have a destroyed face at me. “But I have few such compunctions and less time to spend here. So if you don’t mind…” Her horn lit up and a strange flash of light appeared around the feet of the bird. The light slowly moved up the creature’s legs and then the body, disintegrating the outer skin as it moved. It finished by removing the entire head. “Simple.”

I just shook my head, saying, “I suppose to one that has no knowledge of spirituality or hunting, or at least the knowledge that I do, such a thing is acceptable. And explaining it would be… pointless, I imagine.” I tossed the other bird back to her. “Do as you would. I’ll start pulling the meat off this one.”

“It pleases me that you saw reason,” she said with a smile. There was no answer I could make to that, so I just found the smooth, flat rock I used for cooking and set the bird on it. Then I took the knife and started slicing, removing the good meat and setting it in one pile and removing the things that weren’t fit to eat and tossing them into the fire.

After clearing the skin off the other bird, she sat at my side, watching me work and occasionally asking questions. Since it was just a bird, it only took about ten minutes or so to get all the meat worth eating off the thing. When I had everything off it, I tossed the body into the blaze and set the meat out in strips before moving the rock close to the stream. As bitterly cold as the stream was, I knew I needed to get all the blood off the meat and rock before I began cooking.

“What are you doing?” Luna asked as the water ran over the meat, washing the red away.

“Cleaning it,” I said. “I’m not about to just pull meat out of something’s body and cook it like this without cleaning it first. Unless I can hold it directly over the fire, that would be very risky, health-wise.”

“Hm. That is not something I considered.”

“Always good to be careful…” Soon, the rock was ready to be moved to the fire. “This isn’t exactly the best way to cook, since I don’t have any spices or anything,” I said.

“I’m sure it will still be just fine,” she replied, smiling. “Just don’t tell my sister that you let me have any of this. She would not approve.”

“Simple enough.” Luna and I just watched the meat cook for a minute before I said, “Hey, you want to try your hand at getting the meat out of the other one?”

She blinked in surprise. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, if you want. I mean, it’s not like anything’ll happen if you mess up. Birds are pretty straightforward, not much meat to ruin or waste.”

“Yes, that makes me feel better,” she sarcastically answered.

“Glad I can help. There’s another flat rock around here somewhere. Here’s the knife.” She gripped it with her magic and used her horn to light up the area much better so she could find the rock in question. She pulled it over and set it down next to us, then set the bird on it.

“Should I just start anywhere?” she asked.

“It doesn’t matter, no. Just be careful with the internal organs. You don’t want to rupture them and risk shooting fluids anywhere.”

“That sounds… interesting,” she commented, taking the knife and carving even slices of bird out while I used a stick to make sure the meat that was cooking didn’t stick to the rock.

“It’s interesting but terrible,” I said. “Especially if it’s anything from the stomach. You definitely don’t want to pierce that; it smells terrible.”

“I can imagine. How many times have you done this?”

“Not many. I only skinned a single deer back home, since hunting was just a rare hobby instead of something I could do all the time. I knew the theory, but the first few times I did it here, I learned a lot. This is probably the fifth or sixth time I’ve gone hunting in the Everfree. I don’t really go that often.”

“Understandable. How often will you go if you start getting meat from the griffins?”

“Even less often. I can live without killing or the danger. It takes something away from the taste if you didn’t kill what you’re eating yourself, but I’m okay with that. I’ve gotten my first kill, gotten my hands drenched in blood. I know the feel of it now, which is something that everyone that eats meat should know.”

“Now that is a thought that I like. Shame that it doesn’t apply to ponies. Though I suppose I could make all of the rich courtiers that surround my sister and I like flies come down to Ponyville and assist farmer Applejack with her crops. They complain of the ever-changing prices of various items while never considering the work put into preparing them. Even my sister is guilty of such inaction, at times.”

“Hey, I didn’t see you down here helping with the harvest.”

“My sister and I run a country, Navarone,” she shot back. “Those courtiers do little other than laze about and whine. Why my sister puts up with those fools is beyond me. In my time, our court was small and filled only with those that had specific uses. Guards, soldiers, an agricultural advisor, a weather manager, a magic advisor, and a few others. Every complaint or query from visiting ponies was filtered through our advisors first. Now it seems that everypony with two bits to rub together can directly petition my sister with little more than a short screening period. She complains of all her time wasted and yet…”

“She does it to herself?”

“Indeed. She tells me that times have changed and that I should change with them. But why, when such new methods are so grossly wasteful?” she asked, slicing the knife through bone in anger.

“Careful there,” I calmly said, putting a hand on her shoulder. She pulled the knife away with a nod and began working correctly again. “You and your sister have different courts, don’t you? Day court and night court?”

“Yes.”

“Then find all the advisors you want and set your court up in the old fashioned way. See which works best, hers or yours. If you can get someone to give you an unbiased opinion of the differences between the two methods after some time, you can either stick to your guns if your way is better or confidently do things the new way knowing precisely why it works better instead of just taking Celestia’s word for it.”

“That is… an idea,” she said, slowly nodding. I removed my hand from her shoulder and went back to poking at the meat. “I believe I shall do that,” she finally said. “Though it will take me some time to find advisors willing to be nocturnal.”

“You found guards to do it. I’m sure it won’t be a huge leap to find some civilians as well.”

“True. I will manage. And I believe I’m finished with this bird.”

“Then cast the remains in the flame. It looks like this stuff here is done cooking as well.”

“Wonderful!” Her horn lit up and the carcass floated to the fire. “Shall we dig in, then?”

“If you want to burn your mouth, be my guest,” I said, pulling the warm rock away from the fire. “I’m going to wait a minute or two for it to cool off.”

“...That is wise.” She sat next to me as we waited. “It really is cold out here…” she said.

“Yep. That’s winter for you.”

She was silent for another few moments before sighing and saying, “Fine, I’ll do it, then.” After that, she wrapped her wing around me and pulled me close. “There.”

“If you’re really that cold, we could have just moved closer to the fire,” I said, throwing my arm around her shoulder.

“This is more comfortable and requires less moving.” There was no real answer to that, since I could already feel her gentle warmth radiating through my side. She was presumably getting just as much, given that I was wearing one hell of a winter suit. “How long should we wait?”

“Eh, now should be good enough,” I said, stabbing one piece with my knife and bringing it up to my mouth. “But let me test it first.” With her watching, I took a small bite out, finding it at an acceptable temperature. “It’s alright for me,” I said, swallowing it. “Doesn’t taste all that great and it’s kinda dry, but it’s meat.”

“Good enough for me,” she said, levitating a piece up. “Oh, it’s been too long since I’ve had any of this,” she sighed, shoving the whole chunk in her mouth. Alright, Luna is really starting to scare me.

Scary or not, we ate that whole bird, down to the very last chunk. “You want to cook up the other one?” I asked. At that point, I was starting to feel quite tired and didn’t really feel like eating anymore, but apparently this wasn’t something she could get away with eating back at the palace.

“Not this time,” she said. “Meat is interesting to eat, but not very healthy for us. And sadly, I believe it is about time I returned to the palace. Would you like me to walk you home?”

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like walking back. Want to just grab everything and fly?”

“That is acceptable. Need I carry anything?”

“Feel free to grab the leftover meat. I wasn’t expecting to bag two kills tonight, so I didn’t bring anything to carry the leftovers in.”

She nodded and stood, pulling away from my grasp and instantly making me feel twice as cold all over. “Then let us gather things quickly and leave. It is cold.”

“Sure is…” I said as I stood and walked to where I left the crossbow. I pulled the hunting bolt out and put a practice one in, decocking it by shooting it into the soft dirt. After recovering the bolt, I walked over to where she had all the meat floating next to her. “Shall we?”

“Let’s.” We both took off, soaring toward Ponyville. It didn’t take us too long to arrive at the library. She entered with me so we could easily put the meat up. Soon enough, we were both in the main lobby again.

“That was actually pretty fun,” I quietly said, shrugging off the thick greatcoat I had on. “I didn’t expect any of the ponies to be hunters or so blasé about blood.”

“I am not most ponies,” Luna said. “Should you go again, I might be interested in going with you.”

“Winter’s almost over, so I probably won’t go as often. But if I do decide to head in, I’ll certainly let you know beforehand.”

“Excelsior!” I just barely stopped myself from cracking up when she said that. “But I’m afraid that I must be going. Duty calls, sadly.”

“I understand. Have fun, Luna.”

“Unlikely.” Her horn lit up and I thought she was about to teleport out. Instead, something pulled against my back and forced me into her, where she hugged me. “But you aren’t fettered by the same constraints, so you may definitely enjoy yourself.”

“...Right,” I answered, awkwardly patting her back. “See you when I see you.”

“Whenever that may be,” she answered before teleporting away from her grasp on me, making me stumble for a second.

Luna’s fucking weird. I haven’t decided yet if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

A few weeks after that, an odd thing happened. Twilight, Spike, and I were all chilling in the library. Twilight was taking notes or something. Spike was dusting. I was cleaning my fingernails with a knife, about to head out to do… something.

There was a knock at the door. “Spike, can you get that?” Twilight asked, not even looking up.

“Uh…” he looked down to what he was doing and then up to me. “Nav, can you get that?”

I set my knife on the table, got up, and went to the door. I casually opened it and beheld a white unicorn wearing a cape. “Can I he—” I started.

He used magic to slap me with a thin silk glove. “THE GREAT WHITE UNICORN PELT IS HERE TO SLAY YOU, BEAST!” I didn’t even have time to wonder why a pony had a glove.

I looked at him. He glared at me.

I slowly reached down into my pocket and pulled out one of the gloves I showed up with, put it on, and casually backhanded him across the face with that hand as hard as I could. “I accept your challenge.”

He spit out a tooth and some blood and fixed me with an even greater glare of pure hatred. “So…” I said. “You going to start slaying me yet?”

“TOWN SQUARE. FIFTEEN MINUTES. BE THERE OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE THE MONSTER YOU ARE!”

Jesus, turn off the caps lock.

Without another word, he turned around and stalked away. I heard him shouting around to bring up a crowd.

“What was that about?” Twilight asked, still not looking up. I closed the door.

“Oh, some unicorn just came here and told me he was going to kill me in fifteen minutes. I’ll go get my crossbow. Be back soon.”

“Have fun, N—WHAT?!” She finally turned to face me and used magic to pull me closer to her. “What did you say?”

“Some pompous fuck just came by and told me he was going to slay me like a beast or something. He said to meet him in town square, though really it’s more of a circle. I suppose I should correct him before I kill him.”

She dropped me. I went upstairs to get my crossbow and some bolts. I heard her yelling to Spike. When I came down he was writing furiously. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I told her, heading to the door.

“You can’t just go and fight him, Nav!” Twilight said, terribly distraught.

“Silly Twilight,” I said, ruffling her mane. “I’m not going to fight him.” She looked relieved. “I’m just going to kill him.” Her relief vanished.

“But you can’t—”

“It’s done, Twilight!” Spike interrupted, waving a letter. With a flourish he sent it away.

I sighed. “You aren’t going to let me go out there, are you?”

“Not until Princess Celestia gets here to clean this mess up, no!”

I shouldered my crossbow. “How long should she take? I really should be leaving now if I want to make his timeframe.”

With an explosion of magic, Celestia appeared right next to me. Twilight and Spike immediately went to their knees. “What’s this I hear about a unicorn trying to hurt Navarone?” she asked.

“Some dude just came by, slapped me with a glove, and told me he was going to kill me in a few minutes in town circle,” I answered. “I guess you want to watch me kill him?”

She frowned. “Navarone, stop it.” I sighed and put my crossbow down on a table. “That’s better. Now let’s go find out what this stallion wants.” She led the way out of the library. When she opened the door we saw Rarity and Rainbow Dash right outside, about to knock. When they saw her they bowed.

“We were just about to come and tell Twilight there was a stallion raving in town circle,” Rarity said. “He’s ranting about killing the beast that lives in the tree.”

“Thank you both, but I have already been made aware of this,” Celestia said. “Come along, all of you.” She led us toward the center of town.

“YOU DON’T NEED TO FEAR ANY LONGER, CITIZENS!” we heard him shouting. “I WILL RID YOU OF THIS MONSTER!”

It didn’t take long for him to notice the growing crowd of bowing ponies. “HE HAS YOU ALL SO AFRAID THAT YOU—” He saw Celestia and his eyes almost bulged out of his head. “Princess! You came yourself to see me defeat this monster?” Then he saw me walking behind her. If I thought his eyes were bulging before… “LOOK OUT!” He tried to rush to her ‘aid,’ but she forced him to stop with magic.

She picked him up and pushed him to the center of town, in the middle of the large crowd that had now formed. I followed. She slowly set him back on the ground and in a voice that wasn’t a yell and yet had no problem carrying, she said, “What is this I hear about a monster loose in Ponyville?”

She released him from her spell. He pointed right at me. “I am here to slay this monster and free Ponyville of its subjugations!”

She looked at me and then behind me and frowned. “I don’t see any monsters near or behind my good friend Navarone,” she said.

His mouth dropped. “G-g-good f-f-f-f-friend?” he practically whimpered.

She smiled. I crossed my arms and ruffled my wings.

“Yes, my good friend Navarone,” she answered, pushing me forward with one of her wings. “I’m sure if you ever need any help in your monster slaying travels, he can assist you; he is very good at dispatching unicorns that grow in power and arrogance and try to take over the minds of other ponies.” I don’t think that’s quite true… Though I guess I did help beat Trixie.

I heard some murmuring in the crowd. And if this fellow’s face dropped any further he was going to have to sew it back on.

Suddenly, I started to hear a whistling noise to my left. I ignored it, trying to focus on what Celestia was going to hit this dude with next. The noise got louder and louder until everyone but the monster hunter was looking at it.

It was Fluttershy.

And holy shit was she pissed.

She slammed into the unicorn. “DON’T YOU DARE HURT NAVARONE!” Holy fuck! I rushed forward to grab her before she really hurt the guy.

I had to actually rip her off of him. “Fluttershy, it’s okay!” I tried saying. “Celestia’s here, he’s not going to do a thing.” That got her attention long enough for me to get her off. I grabbed her, gently stroking her mane to try to soothe her. She was glaring at the guy on the ground, huddling in terror. I pulled her away from him and she followed me, not letting her eyes off of him. I think he was crying. I whispered into her ear, “That was awesome.” She blinked, realizing where she was.

She started hyperventilating, trying to hold onto me. I led her away from the area, the crowd parting before us. A lot of the ponies were smiling, either at me for helping her or at her for kicking that guy’s ass. I led her to Twilight’s library, since that was the closest place that was absolutely cool for me to be in; I was welcome in most public places, but I still got plenty of stares and a few snubs.

Maybe after this that would change.

I sat her down on the couch that seems to appear and disappear at need. I’m not joking about that—it is not there when I don’t need it and it is there when I want to sit down on something that isn’t a chair. No, I don’t know how that works.

“So like I said, that was pretty fucking awesome,” I said when I had her down and relatively calmed down. She blushed. “Mind, I don’t know if Celestia will agree, but I have never had a friend stick her neck out like that for me.” I held my fist out. She flinched automatically. I sighed and grabbed one of her hooves with my other hand and gently hit my fist with it. “Good enough,” I said. “Now, what the hell came over you?”

She blushed again, even deeper this time. “I… I was in the market, and I heard somepony saying a unicorn was here to kill you. I just sort of… lost my temper. I don’t know what happened!” I think she was almost about to either cry or start hyperventilating again.

“Fluttershy, it’s okay,” I said. “It is perfectly normal to be upset when you hear something like that. If anyone was trying to hurt any of you, you can bet money I’d be hauling ass to get to you to help. That is what friends do for each other.” I paused for a moment. “That said, though, I would probably get more details before tackling the fucker,” I added with a smile. “Especially with Celestia standing right there.”

Her eyes went wide. “P-p-princess C-c-c-c-celestia! I thought you were saying that to make me calm down!” She started hyperventilating again.

I rolled my eyes and pulled her into a hug. Her wings flared, but after a moment she returned it. Her breathing slowly started to return to normal. When I heard the door open I finally let her go. Princess Celestia was there, watching us.

“Celestia,” I said, nodding.

“Navarone,” she answered, stepping in. “This incident will not repeat itself. I—” her eyes flicked to Fluttershy—“We have ensured that.” She sighed. “I honestly expected the ponies here to accept you more readily, Navarone. If Luna and I can do so, why can’t they?” She shook her head sadly.

“Because they don’t give me a chance, Princess,” I answered and shrugged. “I don’t really blame them. If something as strange as me came to our world and was left to roam free, stuff like this would happen to it too.” Well, actually it would all be much worse, but meh.

She didn’t have a response to that. She turned to Fluttershy, who bowed her head in what I was assuming was shame. “Fluttershy, have you learned anything from this?”

Fluttershy mumbled something. I put a hand on one of her hooves. She gave me a hasty smile and looked up at the princess. “I learned that you should never act without thinking or learning the full situation, even if you think somepony might be in danger. You might just hurt somepony that doesn’t really deserve it.” Not a very good Aesop, in my mind, but whatever.

Celestia turned her gaze to me. “And what did you learn, Navarone?”

I shrugged. “Ponies are occasionally kickass friends.”

She blinked. “Try again.”

“Uh. If some dick comes to challenge me to a duel, tell the princess on him?”

She shook her head. “One more time.”

I scratched my head. “Look, Princess, I’m not good at the Aesops. Given the choice, I would have just taken my crossbow down there and deep sixed that sumbitch. It would have dealt with this asshole, though it probably would have made the rest of the ponies in town pretty terrified. But to be quite honest, I don’t really give a damn anymore.” I shrugged. “If they don’t want to accept me, fuck ‘em. With these wings growing out of my back, I’m here in this world to stay.”

“I’m going to pretend you stopped three sentences sooner,” she answered. “Now give it a proper ending.”

I blinked, trying to remember what I had said. Dammit, where’s Pinkie Pie when I need her? She could just reach through the fourth wall, grab what I was going to write in my journals, and tell me. “…And that would be bad?” I said awkwardly.

Celestia smiled. “Close enough. Now unfortunately, I must return to the palace. It was as always a pleasure to speak with you, Navarone, and to see you, Fluttershy.” Before we could respond, she disappeared with a loud thunderclap.

“Well whatayaknow,” I said. “She finally asked me for one of those friendship lesson things she always makes you write her.” Hopefully it never happens again.

Fluttershy smiled awkwardly. “I don’t think she liked yours very much, Nav.”

I shrugged. “That’s just because I’m a human living in a pony’s world. The Establishment’s trying to keep me down.” She didn’t get it. I waved it away.

Twilight and Spike came in then, so Fluttershy was spared the awkwardness of more of my strange human jokes. “Can you believe that stallion?” Twilight asked. “Coming here like that!” She sniffed. “He’s lucky the princess let him go like she did.”

“Well,” I said, “I knocked a tooth out and Fluttershy here kicked his ass. I suppose that was enough.”

“You knocked out one of his teeth?” Spike asked with wonder in his voice. “You didn’t even touch him!”

I went over to the door and opened it. I reached down and picked up the tooth the guy spat out and held it up. “When he slapped me with his little glove to challenge me, I responded with a glove of my own,” I said. “But instead of slapping him with it, I slapped him with my fucking hand. Hard.”

“That’s uh… pretty mean,” Spike slowly said.

“Sure is,” I replied with a shrug. “Motherfucker shouldn’t have shown up to kill me.” Then I turned back to Fluttershy. “You need any help shopping?” I asked her.

She quickly shook her head, but then thought for a moment. “Maybe you can help me solve a problem, Nav.”

“I can certainly try,” I said. She led me out of the building, leaving Twilight to her boring work and Spike to cleaning.

“It’s… Angel,” she said. “He doesn’t like eating regular food, you see…”

“Fluttershy, I don’t know a damn thing about animals. But I’ll see what I can do, I suppose. What happens when you try to give stuff like that to him?”

She described the situation. “Uh huh,” I answered. I didn’t say anything else. The rest of the walk to her little shack was in silence.

She went in first and said she was back and whatnot. An assload of little critters were inside, playing. I saw Angel staring at her impatiently. When he saw me his gaze froze a bit, but went back to impatient quickly enough.

I walked up to him. He stared up at me fearlessly.

Until he saw my face.

“Let’s go for a little walk,” I said. He shook his head and tried to bound away. I snatched him by his bunny ears. “I’m glad you agree. We’ll be right back, Fluttershy,” I said. She nodded, looking down at one of her other little friends. She didn’t see Angel frantically trying to get her attention.

When we were outside and a few minutes away from the house I sat down next to a tree. I held Angel up to my eyes. “So I heard you like specially cooked meals,” I said. He just looked at me. “So do I. You know, I used to be a bit of a cook back home. Do you know what I specialized in?” He didn’t. “Rabbit soup.” His eyes went as wide as a bunny’s could. “Rabbits worked fine, but bunnies were better. Younger and more tender, you know?” I smiled easily and poked him in the belly. He gulped.

I pulled the knife out of my pocket and opened it with a loud click. He looked at it, fear evident in his eyes. I set the knife down on my knee.

“Do you know what I do to people that hit my friends, Angel?” His eyes returned to mine. “I hurt them.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Now don’t get me wrong, Angel: I don’t like hurting others. In fact, I detest it. So do you know what you are going to do for me?” One of his eyes popped open. “You are going to make sure I don’t have to hurt anyone. No one is going to be hitting my good friend Fluttershy on your watch, right?” He frantically shook his head. “Good. I would hate to have to skin something as small as you to make some nice bunny stew.”

I picked my knife up, closed it, and slid it into a pocket. “Now how about I set you down so you can go eat what Fluttershy has for you?” He nodded his head like a jackhammer. I put him down and let him go. He sprinted right to Fluttershy’s house. I followed at a more sedate pace.

When I got inside, I found he was eating some manner of green pellet or something Fluttershy had laid out for him. “And you said you didn’t know about animals!” she said to me, smiling.

“Angel and I, we reached an understanding of sorts,” I said. He looked over to me and I patted my pocket. His ears slumped and he shoved a pellet in his mouth. I smiled, nodding.

“Well, whatever you did, thank you!”

“Anything for a friend, Fluttershy. If you need any more help, just ask.” She happily nodded and I stepped back into the nice day.

Some time after I showed up in Equestria, Pinkie Pie tried holding a party for me, calling it my birthday. She started discussing it with me when I bumped into her at the market place. Applejack was with her. When I told her my birthday was actually in March, she gave me the oddest look I’ve ever seen from her.

“What do you mean, it’s in March?” she asked.

I shrugged. “It’s in March. What more do you want?”

“…Why didn’t you say anything before? I would have thrown you a great party!”

“Have I ever been the sort to like parties?”

“Uh, yeah! You love my parties!”

“...I don’t think that’s true.”

“If you say so…” she dubiously said before getting excited again. “Well, this March I’ll throw you a super extra fantastical party to make up for last year’s! Wait… when in March?”

“If I tell you, will you promise not to give me a party?”

“Psh, no! Don’t be silly, Nav. Everypony loves parties!”

“I’m not a pony, remember?”

“Well, everything else I’ve held a party for likes them!”

“Maybe I’m the exception.”

“You know… I could hold you a party every day in March! That way I’ll be sure to get it on the right day!”

“You wouldn’t. It would be too much money.”

“It’s worth it, for a friend!”

“Your birthday present for me should be to not give me a party.”

“But you love my parties! Why would I want to not give you something that you love?”

My head was starting to hurt. “I don’t like your parties.” That was exactly the wrong thing to say.

Her eyes welled up with tears. “You… you don’t like my parties?” she asked in the saddest voice I think I’ve ever heard.

Before I could answer, she started to cry. Now, it’s rare that I see Pinkie Pie cry, but when she does in a situation like this—when her feelings weren’t actually hurt but she wanted to pretend like it—the tears fly from her face in a stream, like something out of a damn anime. Confuses the hell out of me, and makes me really wonder what the fuck is wrong with this world.

I turned to Applejack. “Is there any way out of this that doesn’t involve me telling her when my birthday is?”

“Nope. Or at least, I sure can’t see any.”

I was getting more than a few mean looks from the ponies in the market. I sighed.

There was a party scheduled for me on my birthday. Pinkie Pie is an unstoppable party monster.

Chapter Ten—The Gala

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/18Z0Rti9FkXMMqs2Ex0TBEX7nk0626ccjYCnhkVqrefk/edit

Some time in late summer, Twilight and her friends were all invited to some event called the Grand Galloping Gala. These ponies sure like their alliteration… Anyway, none of the friends really wanted to go and after hearing their reasons, I agreed. However, Twilight felt it was her responsibility to be there, and decided to drag me along for whatever reason. Fucking women, man.

After some exhaustive preparations that went above and beyond what was probably required, we were off. Since it was just the two of us and neither of us really wanted to be there, we didn’t go all out on the transportation. Fluttershy told me that the last time they went, they used a pumpkin carriage or some crap. We just got a ride from a palace chariot the day before and stayed at Twilight’s old room so we could walk to the Gala the next night.

“Remind me again, why am I here?” I asked her as we sauntered up to the front doors.

“A few reasons. One, so I wouldn’t be alone if it came down to that. Two, Luna sent me a message asking me to make sure you came. Three, I want to see how immune you are to the impromptu song magic that happens occasionally.” My wings twitched at the third reason. God I hate that song magic shit. No random singing for me, no sir. At least Luna’ll probably bail me out, if it comes to that.

“Would it be chill if I just sort of hung out in the garden all night? It’s pretty nice there, as long as the animals will leave me alone.”

“Nope, you’re going to be right where I can keep an eye on you. I don’t know if I’d trust you loose in a room full of some of the most influential ponies in Equestria.”

“You still don’t trust me yet?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, but rather that you’ve already managed to befriend both princesses. Any more powerful friends and I might not be able to abuse you so much.”

“Yes, and that would just be such a travesty,” I wryly answered.

“Shush, we’re where ponies can hear us now!”

“The only people that will be listening are the servants. You can bet most of them are in someone’s pocket and some probably report to several people. The rich care too little to listen to the likes of us. Most probably won’t even notice me, since I’m not something that’s supposed to be in their world.”

“Wouldn’t that draw more attention to you?”

“Two possibilities: One, that I’ll be completely unnoticed unless something happens to bring attention to me. Two, I’ll be the center of attention the whole time. And since no one is even looking our way, I’m pretty sure the first will be true.” Now, that wasn’t entirely true. We were getting several sidelong looks, but no one actually addressed me. Most probably knew about me by now; I had been in their world for almost a year at that point and had been at the palace once as a personal guest of the princess. I suspected that if I ever found myself alone during this party, I wouldn’t stay that way for long.

I wasn’t specifically given a ticket, but since none of Twilight’s friends came along, I was given one of theirs. It was enough to get me in, though I was given an odd look by the servant watching the door.

When I got inside, I was somewhat astonished by the changes in the palace. When I went before, it was quiet, regal, subdued. Now, though, it was boisterous and bright, full and fabulous. We made our way to meet the host, Princess Celestia. She didn’t look overly surprised to see me and made little comment on it. Twilight had learned her lesson from the previous year, though, so we didn’t crowd Celestia for very long.

“So now what?” I asked as we aimlessly wandered around the party.

“We mingle!” Twilight happily answered.

“...Do you even know how to mingle?” I asked, already feeling a headache coming on.

“Of course! I read all about it last night, just as a refresher.”

“Oh God, we’re doomed…”

She swatted me with her tail and gave me a disapproving look. “That book was very informative, thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” And there’s the tail again. “You know, you’d probably have a lot more fun if you found a stallion or something to spend the party with.”

She tried to hide the blush forming on her face, but it didn’t work. “I… don’t think so. And uh… What about you? If I was with somepony else, what would you do all night?”

Go home? Hit up the library? Do almost anything other than this? “I’d probably find something.”

She snorted and said, “Like it or not, it’s important that everypony here knows you exist and know that you’re both civilized and relatively harmless. The ponies in the palace right now are some of the most influential in all of Equestria and could possibly have you hurt should they ever run into you elsewhere without actually knowing about you.”

I shrugged and replied, “Then I sue them and make bank. Everybody wins.”

“Except you’d be hurt. Or worse,” Twilight said. “So shush and let me try to find somepony to talk to.”

I cast my penetrating gaze about the room as she did the same, both of us looking for any easy targets with which we could converse. My eyes found someone first. “I see someone I want to talk to,” I said.

“Who?” Twilight asked, but by that point I was already walking. She just huffed and started following. It didn’t take long for her to figure out we were walking straight toward a harried looking Luna that was almost entirely surrounded by rich old fucks.

Luna’s gaze stumbled upon me as she was rolling her eyes and what was probably the first real smile she put on all night appeared on her face. “Ah, Navarone. It appears you received my invitation. I trust the guards gave you no trouble?”

“Not quite,” I said, crossing my arms. “I never got an invitation. Twilight told me I had to be here, but not why.”

Luna turned a disgruntled look upon the piteous purple pony, who gulped and said, “Oh, hello, Princess…”

“Twilight,” Luna answered, barely sparing her more than a glance before looking back to me. “Are you tied to Twilight Sparkle this night, Nav?” she asked.

“Not really,” I said with a shrug. “She dragged me here and said I had to stay with her, but fuck that.”

“Excellent. Then you shall be tied to me instead. You are a most useful deterrent, it seems,” she said, looking to her side. All of the toadies had scurried off while we were talking, from the looks of it. “Twilight, you will need to find somepony else to use as a social crutch.”

“But—”

“Come, Navarone. We have a party we must attend.” She started walking off without another word.

“Well alright then,” I quietly said. “I’ll see you back at your house, Twilight,” I said, louder. “Until then.”

“But—” I was already hurrying to follow Luna at that point, so I didn’t pay any mind to Twilight's whining. And since it seemed Luna was going outside, I had a feeling Twilight might not be following us. Well, she might have wanted to, but when Luna got out, she lifted her wings and started flying off. I joined her, though I was quite a lot slower. She matched my weak pace and flew next to me.

“So where are we going?” I asked.

“Getting away from the main event for some time,” she said. “Allow Twilight time to forget she was supposed to shepherd you. Maybe allow the foppish rich nobles that desire to suck up to me time to forget my presence.”

“So… where are we going?” I asked yet again.

“To the maze. ‘Tis a place of soothing. And it will give us a momentary place to hide.”

“How long are we going to be hiding?” I asked. “I mean, I don’t much care for parties, myself, but making fun of the rich behind their backs is a lot more fun than just sitting in a garden.”

“True. We shan’t take long. It will give us a moment to converse.” We were coming up on a giant maze thing now that I can’t believe I had never seen before, even though I was only in the castle for less than a day. We both landed in front of it and began walking in. “I started building my court according to the old ways.”

“How’s it working for you?” I asked.

“Exceptionally well. I’ve yet to have a single visitor. At all.”

“Hey, just think of all the time you have for your hobbies!” I joked, not quite liking the tone she had.

“That does little to assuage me, Nav. My reputation is… ruined would be an appropriate word. Most of those that do not think ill of me know little of me. I am beginning to gain some attention from the younger ponies, the… partiers, after visiting a few of their ‘clubs’. Apparently the nightlife is now much more lively. But I have yet to decide if such an… image is worth obtaining.”

“Hey, it’s better than nothing. How do you feel about art?”

“‘Tis a random question, but I do enjoy looking upon it. Why?”

“Well, I don’t know how it is here, but in my world, the night was a time for art and music, a haven for souls that wanted serenity for the perfect picture. I suggest doing some digging, see if it’s true here as well. If it is, become a patron of the arts. Theatre, painting, music, writing. Anything you can find or enjoy. Turn the night court into something exclusive, for the best of the best at the arts. It may not be the image you want, but it’s a start.”

“Once again, that is… something to consider. It does not seem to fit me very well, however.”

“It seems that you’re good with war and battle, but such things seem really uncommon now. Times change, Luna. Are you going to change to match them, or get left behind? Yes, this might not be something you’re comfortable with, and it doesn’t have to be your final choice. But you need to remake your entire image and I don’t think coming across as the princess of battle is the wisest of ideas.”

“...Very well. It is something I shall put to my advisors. We shall consider it strongly. And I suppose you would be the first one allowed into my exclusive court?”

“Oh God no. I fucking hate art. I don’t mind the products, but the actual process? Fuck no. And besides, the courtly life isn’t for me.”

“And once again you mention this… God. What is it?”

I sighed, thinking of ways to get around it. “You ask me who God is, but not what fuck means?”

“So God is a person? Is it your ruler? I believe the common ponies of today use my sister’s name as an expletive of sorts, occasionally.”

“That’s close enough to the truth,” I said with a shrug. Silence creeped its way into the conversation before I said, “You could also keep attending events. Like, Summer Wrap Up is happening in Ponyville in a few weeks. That’s something you could attend. Or plays. Concerts. Keep going to the clubs, I guess. All good ways to get your name out there. Get people talking about you again, in a good way. I can’t imagine being out here in the maze instead of in the party is doing good things to you.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “What do you suggest, then?”

“Go back in. Participate in the party. Talk to people. Don’t let your disgust show. As Twilight told me, the ponies in there right now are some of the most influential in the country. It might be a good idea to build your reputation up with them. Or at least, the ones that matter.”

“Perhaps. Again, how would you suggest going about it?”

“Man, fuck if I know. I ain’t never been to no damn high-roller party. If you were a guy, I’d tell you to dress fancy, have the hottest date, and be the social center of the party. That’s how it works in movies. But for you? No clue.”

“And why would that advice not work for me?”

I shrugged and said, “It might. I have no clue. You’re going to have to go without the hot date, though.” I knew as soon as I said it that I probably just fucked up. Her very knowing look told me as much.

“Are you… sure, Navarone?” she asked, slowly smiling.

“I can’t imagine I’d be ‘hot’ by any pony standard. And I have absolutely no desire to ever be a pony again, so yeah. Looks like you’re shit outta luck.”

“Nav, it will only be for a few hours.”

“That’s a few hours too many. And I wouldn’t even have a cutie mark or anything to wear. Hell, not even you have a dress.”

“I do, actually,” she said. “I just saw no reason to dress up for this occasion until now. And I know where we can obtain a suit that will fit you, but we will have to make holes for the wings.”

“And a cutie mark?” I asked, smiling.

“I can assist with that,” she said, her horn glowing slightly. “So it’s settled.”

“What? No it’s not. I never agreed to shit.”

She rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand with her hoof somehow, stopping me and turning me to face her. “Nav, will you be my date to the Gala?” she asked, her voice going a few octaves higher. She even put on a set of begging eyes that looked absolutely pitiful.

“...If I say no, will you start crying?” She nodded, her eyes already getting teary. “Fucking… whatever. But you better be able to block those damn pheromones. I don’t want what happened last time to happen again. Especially in such a public setting…”

“Worry not,” she said, her voice returning to normal and her eyes losing the tears. “Remain here. I shall be back momentarily.”

“What?” Instead of answering, her horn lit up and she teleported away. “Man, I really need to start saying no to people, I swear…”

I contemplated all the places my life had gone wrong until Luna popped back into existence next to me, wearing a rather strange dress. The front part of it was green with fanciful and flowering night-blue embroidery on it. From around her cutie mark and back, it was a flowing night blue, little sparkles and pinpoints of light appearing like stars. Lace covered it in alternating sections, creating a nice look. And along both sides of the lower back were two large peacock feathers, their colors fitting the rest of the ensemble very nicely. She had what looked like a string of pearls in her hair and a few flowery tendrils sticking out from her crown. Around her neck was a string of black pearls with a crescent moon centerpiece.

“Wow,” is all I could really say. “That’s… interesting.”

“Good interesting or bad interesting?” she asked, looking back at herself.

“I don’t know shit about fashion,” I answered, shrugging. “So it just looks… interesting.”

“Stallions,” she sighed, shaking her head. “Well, I managed to find a suit for you,” she said, holding up a clothes hanger with a normal looking pony suit on it. “Are you ready to transform?”

“I really don’t want to…” I said, trying to give her the same look she gave me.

“Your eyes aren’t large enough to pull off a proper pout,” she said, smiling. “So are you ready or not?”

“I’m going to need to take my clothes off first,” I sighed, already kicking off my shoes. “Since you just have to be so damn picky and can’t settle for a hot human instead.”

“Was it not you who said that you have few qualities we would be attracted to?” she asked, her smile turning to a smirk.

“I don’t remember saying shit,” I replied, pulling off my shirt. “And you better not be molesting me with your eyes when I get these pants off.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t enjoy it. All stallions do. Mmm…”

I tossed my shirt at her head, blocking her view. By the time she was able to get it off, my hands were covering my delicate organs. “Pervert,” I said.

“And you’re saying you’ve never sneaked a peek? I find that somewhat hard to believe, given how rarely mares cover themselves.”

“Not on purpose, no. Ugh, ew. Now are you gonna turn me or not? It may be summer now, but it’s still cold without clothes.”

“Yes, yes. Prepare yourself.” Having gone through the horrific transition at least once already, I knew there was no way to prepare for it. So I just stood there, waiting for the horror to begin.

And soon, the light from her horn reached nearly blinding levels before finally shooting out and slamming against me. The change began and ended quickly and painlessly, though not without discomfort. “Why does that spell have to exist?” I groaned, shaking my head at the sudden change in perspective.

“Because it is convenient, I suppose. You know, I don’t even remember where I found it originally… But that doesn’t matter. Put this on,” she ordered, thrusting the jacket thing at my face.

“That would be a lot easier if I knew how to use these damn hooves,” I said, waving one aimlessly. “Without fingers, they’re worthless to me.”

“Ugh. I could explain it, but it wouldn’t do you any good. Don’t move.” Before I could move or ask why I shouldn’t be, something picked me up. My ears flicked back, but she paid that no mind, just dressing me like a child. “Wish we could do something with your mane,” she idly mused, straightening the stupid bowtie I was now wearing. “But no matter. You are presentable, though you may not be the… what was it? ‘Hottest date’?”

“And you’re not even the least bit concerned what everyone is going to think when they see a princess there with a stallion? It won’t raise any kind of problems?”

“My sister informed me that it is semi-common for her to find a date for the Gala. Nothing romantic is usually meant by it, in our case. I assume the same will be assumed of this.”

“Good. Now put me down.”

“Not quite yet. Your disguise isn’t finished.” Something else floated up to me, this time my mouth. “Open,” she said, prodding me with the hunk of wood. Not knowing what to expect, I did so, letting her fit the chunk into my mouth. “Now bite.” Once again, I did, wondering just where she was going with this. “My apologies for this.” What?

And then there was a sudden searing pain on both sides of my ass. My eyes shot wide open as I gnawed at the bit in my mouth, almost silently screaming in pain. Just as quickly as it started, it ended, leaving me with just a raw ache on my sides. I spat the wood out. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“It had to be done,” she said, moving closer to me, her horn pointed at my chest. I tried shying away from her, but she was still holding me steady. Thankfully, this time a healing wave shot from her horn, easing the horrible pain in my ass. “It is merely a makeshift cutie mark, but it will suffice,” she said, backing away and nodding as she finally let me drop to the ground.

“Did you have to fucking brand me to do it?” I asked, turning my head to see what horrible thing she emblazoned into my flesh. It looked like a black axe crossed with a black sword. Burn marks. Christ.

“I didn’t have to,” she said. “But this is the only way to guarantee it will stick. Now hold still one moment…” I felt something probing under my jacket and flinched as she caressed the outside of my wings with magic. Then there was a small tearing sound and she pulled my wings entirely out of the suit. “There. Now nopony can say that you do not fit well.”

“Since I’m technically a pony, I can say that,” I said, trying to cross my arms before realizing both were on the ground.

“Then I suggest learning quickly how to fit in. Are you prepared to teleport?”

“...Where are we teleporting? I want to practice walking before we go anywhere with people.”

“Just outside the maze. We shall walk in.”

“Wait, aren’t I going to need a new name?”

“...Yes, you shall. Hm… What would fit, I wonder?”

“Well, you seem to be making me out to be a damn berserker, with this stupid ass tattoo, so why not something Nordic? Egill?”

“You are no poet… But I doubt many would recognize his works these days. It will do.”

“Wait what? You actually know who that is?”

“Indeed. I did battle with that warrior-poet on at least one occasion. He was quite a nuisance at times, but his words were impressive. ‘Tis a story for another time. Are you ready, Egill?”

“...Sure. But don’t expect any poems from me.”

“Eye-candy is there to be seen, not heard,” she said. “If anypony asks you a question, answer it. But for your sake and mine, don’t go any further. Forming friendships with these rich ponies while not truly existing is not a wise choice, I do not believe.”

“So boring trophy stallion?”

“Yes. I can’t imagine such a thing appeals, but it is only for a few hours.”

“Hey, it just means I ain’t gotta do shit. We gonna dance as well, or just walk and talk?”

“...Do you know how to dance?”

“Human on pony, yeah. Pony on pony… probably.”

“Then should the need for it arise, we shall. Now may we finally return to the party?”

“You have my permission to take us back, yes,” I said, smiling. She rolled her eyes and teleported us to the entrance of the maze closest to the castle. “Alright, let’s see if I can get these shitty legs to work…”

“Those are very fine legs,” she said. “You shouldn’t degrade them so.”

“Don’t make this awkward,” I warned, slowly starting to walk. “I was not made for four legs.”

“Mm, but they were made for you…”

“I swear to God, if you don’t stop fucking with me, I’m going to leave you for your sister,” I said.

“Wouldn’t be the first,” she muttered. Louder, she said, “Very well, Nav. I shall… behave.”

“Good. This is going to be bad enough without you awkwardly hitting on me all night.”

“...Awkward? True, I have little practice, but I thought I would be better than awkward.”

“That’s what you get for thinking. Alright, I think I’m good to walk. Just don’t ask me to quickly go up or down stairs.”

“Excellent. Then come, Egill. Let us… mingle.” She didn’t understand my sigh of consternation. “Is that not the correct word?”

“You sounded exactly like Twilight,” I said.

“Oh. I shall definitely be more careful in the future, then. Warn me if I begin to sound anything like her.”

“Noted. Now can we go? Sooner started, sooner finished.”

“We shall delay no longer,” she said with a nod, heading toward the entrance to the palace. I fell in step beside her. “Should I feel some manner of nerves?” she asked.

“Eh, maybe. I feel general reluctance and some total and abject horror, but that’s normal at this point.”

“I’ve conquered tribes by the hundred, nations by the dozen. Orchestrated assassinations and grand thefts. I shan’t let a party beat me now.”

“And if all else fails, you have a feathery dress and someone that doesn’t want to be here at your side,” I said, smiling at her nervousness.

“Only one of those fills me with any confidence. At least I have a friend with me.”

“That’s the spirit.”

As soon as we stepped inside the palace, absolutely nothing happened. Everyone kept talking to each other or doing what they were originally doing. “I was expecting a more immediate reaction,” Luna quietly said, stopping and looking around.

“Why? We didn’t exactly make a flashy entrance.”

“...Were we supposed to?”

“We’ve already been over this, Luna. I’ve never been to one of these parties. All I can say is that small fry will gravitate to you because you’re a princess. The highballers are gonna hang back, see how the tides are. Just gotta chill and deal with the bourgeois for a little while before the real marks take the bait.”

She was silent for several seconds before slowly saying, “Are we speaking the same language?”

Before I could reply, some female horse said, “That is quite a striking dress, Princess. Who made it?” We both turned and beheld a smiling mare and a nervous-looking stallion.

I barely nudged Luna, getting her to answer. “A fashion designer in Ponyville,” Luna slowly answered. And that is when I stopped paying any amount of attention. I wasn’t getting paid enough to even pretend to care about rich people problems. Since my job was eye candy, I just smiled, nodded, and did my best to look good.

However, sometimes that causes problems…

“I shall be back momentarily, Egill,” Luna said after some time had passed. “Remain here.”

“Very well, Luna,” I answered, already dreading the time until she returned. Oh God, no crutch… Here’s hoping no one decides to talk.

I wouldn’t be so lucky. Not fifteen seconds after Luna departed did the falcon swoop in for its presumed prize. “Poor little stallion with no mistress,” a disturbingly sensual voice whispered next to my face, a caress against my ear. I flinched and turned that way, but there was no one there. Then another whisper came from the other side. “Just waiting for somepony to claim him…” Once again, when I turned that way, no one was there. My eyes narrowed when I felt a very unwelcome weight on my back. “Somepony that can make any fantasy come true…”

“Show yourself or leave,” I demanded, getting very tired of this game.

“Mm, commanding… I love being ordered around!” The weight slipped from my back and a long-legged white mare stepped into view. Her hair was white and pink and her eyes gave me what probably should have been a sexy stare but only looked silly because she was a horse. Every single thing about her screamed ‘SLUT’ to me. “And just who are you, my handsome stallion?”

“Egill, escort of Princess Luna,” I flatly answered, wondering if she’d let me leave if I just turned around and walked away. My guess was no.

“Oh? I don’t see her around here…”

“She went to retrieve something,” I replied.

“Hm. And when do you think she will return?”

“Momentarily,” I said.

“Plenty of time,” she breathed, inching closer. “What say you leave that old relic behind and spend some time with the most beautiful mare in Equestria?”

“Not interested.”

She blinked in surprise. From that blink, I immediately realized that I made a mistake. “A challenge,” she said with a slowly growing smile. “She’s been trapped on the moon for a thousand years. She’s rusty, old-fashioned. What pleasure could she give you that I could not?”

“The pleasure of good company,” I shot back.

Her eyebrows jerked slightly and I knew I scored a point. But the battle was far from over. “I’ve been voted the most beautiful mare in Equestria several years running. Several ponies have compared my beauty to that of a flame. Hot. Dangerous. Entrancing.” That last word was barely whispered, her voice going soft.

“A flame will light a room. The moon lights the entire sky and all the world under it. And what is your flame, that will flicker and die, when compared to the moon, as eternal and unchanging as the stars themselves?”

Her face was slowly becoming apoplectic. “I am rich, powerful, and young!” she practically yelled, drawing many heads our way. From the looks on their faces, they had already been listening, but were surprised to see the ‘debate’ going on for so long.

“Luna owns an entire country, not that wealth or power matters to one such as I. And with age comes wisdom, which is more fulfilling and attractive than any youth ever could be.”

One of her eyes was constantly twitching at this point. “I know every way there is to please a stallion!”

“And I imagine you’ve used every one on a different partner. I’ve no desire to throw a hotdog down a hallway and I imagine your cunt is even worse.”

Her mouth just dropped and her entire face turned red. There were gasps and snickers from all around us. “I will end you!” she hissed, trying to surge forward to throw herself at me.

She didn’t get any closer than she already was as Luna stepped out from the crowd. “I suggest you leave, trollop,” Luna declared, her eyes narrowed in rage. If I had to guess, I’d say her magic was keeping the mare away from me.

“This beast impugned my honor!” the mare shouted. “I demand dueling rights!”

“And you impugned mine when attempting to steal him from me,” Luna coldly answered. “I suggest you rescind your demand or I will press my dueling rights.”

I don’t know how much Luna’s reputation had to do with it, but the white mare’s ears flicked down. However, her eyes narrowed as her head turned to me. “You missed out,” she said as some stupid attempt at saving face or possibly getting the last word, since she turned around right after.

“On a disease, maybe,” I replied as she stalked away. “Well that was fun,” I said with a smile, turning back to Luna. She was also wearing a smile, but hers was… somewhat more sinister. “Uh…”

“Come, Egill. Let us walk.” Oh boy… We started walking through the party again, getting considerably more looks this time. When we were away from the place where the incident occurred, she said, “So… Not a poet, hm?”

“Uh… How much of that did you hear?”

“Oh, all of it…” she said, for some reason sounding very pleased with herself.

Fuck. “I’m acting as your date, right? It would be remiss of me to not support you.”

“But so vehemently? And with such wounding words to the poor mare… I imagine her pride will smart for some time.”

“It probably also made her your enemy. And mine, not that it matters. If she’s as popular as she thinks she is, we might have just cut off a major avenue for you.”

“Maybe. But my honor is more important, I believe. Now, would my champion like some boon for protecting his princess’s honor?”

“Nah,” I replied after a second of pretending to think. She actually froze a step in surprise, throwing her off balance. “So now what?” I asked, ignoring her shock.

She recovered quickly, I’ll give her that. “Most ponies know better than to deny a princess when she offers you a boon,” she slowly said.

“I’m not a pony,” I quietly shot back. “So again, now what?”

“We find something to dine upon,” she said, seeming somewhat disappointed. “Thankfully, there is little lack of variety.”

“You want me to find us a table while you go get something?” I asked, casting a short glance around the seemingly full room.

“Make it somewhere more… private,” she said, nodding. “I will have no troubles finding you. What would you like me to bring back?”

“I’m not hungry. And you would have to feed me anyway, with these damn hooves. So nothing for me.” I actually was hungry, but I really didn’t want her to have to feed me.

“Fine,” she said, almost coldly. “Find us a private table.” Jesus. Went from her good graces to making her upset that quickly? Bitches be trippin’, man.

Anyway, I quickly left her presence, allowing her to take her pick of whatever the fuck she wanted. Since I had a goal in mind this time, I wasn’t too terribly worried about anyone trying to confront me.

I was a fool.

Barely half a minute after I escaped Luna, a group of about five mares approached me. That put me on my guard immediately, given my past experiences, but they all giggled when they saw my face harden. “We aren’t here to steal you away, good sir,” the mare in front said, putting on one of the first genuine smiles I had seen all night.

“That’s… nice to hear,” I answered, not trusting it in the slightest. “How can I help you?”

“You already have,” another one answered. “It’s good to see that hussy put in her place.”

“Manners, dear,” another one said, patting the mare on the side with a hoof. To me, she added, “Fleur has a… habit of seducing stallions. Those she desires rarely put up much of a fight. Those that do… find bad things happening to them. With that reputation...”

“So we’re here to warn you,” the original one said. “What you did was well-needed, but be wary. Fighting against somepony like her is honorable and finding a stallion so loyal is commendable, but should you leave your princess’s side for long in the coming weeks…”

“You may have poor luck,” one mare finally finished.

“You needn’t worry about me,” I said. “This slut may be powerful and have some pull, but she would need a very long reach to bring any harm to me after this night is over. And my cutie mark is two weapons for a reason. She may attempt to harm my reputation, but she would be very hard-pressed to physically wound me.”

“Just be wary, good sir,” one of them said. “It would be a shame for something to happen to somepony so loyal and… handsome.”

“I’ll be fine,” I replied with what I hoped was a winning smile. “But I do need to go. My date has requested I obtain something for her. It would not do to keep her waiting.”

“It wouldn’t,” the original chick said with a nod. “Come, girls. Let’s see how Fancy Pants is taking it.” Each of them smiled and nodded before the whole group took off.

Bitches. Be. Trippin’. Anyway, with that little thing out of the way, I successfully managed to find a table in a relatively empty side-room that had a privacy shield should anyone want to use it.

However, it seemed my troubles were still not quite over. A servant came by moments after I sat down and dropped off a note. “Who’s this from?” I asked him, since there were no names on it.

“A nameless benefactor, sir,” he answered. “Now I’m afraid I must depart. There is much work to be done.”

I didn’t reply, since he was already leaving. That said, I couldn’t exactly open the letter, either, what with my shitty hooves. God, why would anyone want to be a fucking pony? This is awful.

Thankfully, Luna arrived shortly after, levitating two plates next to her. When she reached the table, she set them down and pulled down the shield thing. “There. Now we may finally converse once more in private,” she said, smiling faintly.

“We could’ve just left,” I said as she pushed one of the plates toward me. I didn’t even consider touching it.

“You were so insistent earlier that we—or at least, I—attend,” she said. “And yet now you seem so eager to depart. Is the party truly so deplorable?”

I lifted one of my hooves. “I am not a fucking horse, Luna. Being in this body practically makes me sick from how different it is. Look, I can’t even open this fucking letter!” I said, poking the thing with a hoof to no effect.

“Hm, a letter?” she asked, grabbing it with magic. “Who is it from?”

“Nameless benefactor,” I sighed. “Either one more to add to the long list of shitty pony names, or just some random guy that wanted to stay anonymous. A servant dropped it off.”

“Well, let’s see what it says,” she said, opening it and pulling out the precious contents before beginning to read to herself.

“Where I come from, it’s a felony to read someone else’s mail,” I said, my eyes narrowing slightly.

“I don’t think that is the case here,” she absentmindedly answered. “But it’s just an invitation. One on a date coming soon. It is for Egill, not Navarone.”

“And Egill will not exist past this night, so it doesn’t matter,” I said.

“Are you… sure?” she asked, looking up to me.

“Positive,” I nearly growled. “Might as well burn the invitation. Or just throw it away.”

“So be it.” And just like that, the paper disappeared in a flash. “Now, let us dine.” She began to pick at the random stuff on her plate. I just closed my eyes and relaxed, pretending to attempt to meditate but probably not really doing anything other than looking stupid. After some time, she sighed. “Really? Are you not going to eat?”

“I told you I wasn’t hungry,” I answered, opening my eyes. Her plate was empty and she seemed annoyed. “And the only way I could eat is if I shoved my face to the plate or you fed me. You don’t want to feed me and I don’t want to be fed, so there’s no reason for me to eat.”

“It is… disappointing that you have no desire to even try to use your hooves,” she said.

“And it’s disappointing that you expect me to try after me saying repeatedly how awful it is to be in this body.”

“...Well, for me, the party is almost over. You shan’t be trapped in such a form for long. There is just one more thing that needs doing ere we depart.”

“Good! Let’s do it quickly, then.”

...I didn’t like her smile. “Come then, Egill. Let us dance.” All I could do in response was sigh. “‘Twas you who made the offer, earlier in the night,” she said, grinning. “I was merely waiting for the opportune time… or for you to ask me.”

Good thing you didn’t hold your breath. “Then let’s find the dance floor, I suppose,” I said, pushing the plate away from me.

“You’re my date, Egill,” she said, pushing the shield thing up. “Try to sound more enthusiastic.”

“No promises,” I flatly replied. “But dancing will be… interesting. For better or worse.”

“Then come,” she said, standing. My wings twitched, but I joined her anyway. What the fuck else was I going to do? Though for some reason, she seemed to prance slightly as we walked, something that was rather disconcerting to me.

I didn’t comment on it, though. It didn’t seem like a wise idea. Soon enough, we reached the dance floor. “Should we just jump in?” I asked, eying the dancing couples. “Ballroom etiquette isn’t my thing.”

“We wait for the perfect moment,” she quietly said, watching the slowly moving mass of dancers. “...And insert ourselves,” she added, grabbing me and pulling me onto the floor. “Get your rhythm quickly,” she said, positioning herself appropriately.

As much as I hated to say it, the lessons Pinkie was forcing me to take paid off. It was different as a filthy horse, but the steps were similar enough that I could make do. So I fell into a rhythm, dancing across the floor with the princess of the night… her hair constantly falling into my face because of how it moved. Not the most pleasant of things, but she seemed to enjoy it well enough.

We got through one song and danced on through the next. And then the next. And then we got to one where partners were swapped. Personally, I was rather relieved about that. Not that dancing with Luna was entirely unpleasant, but she was a lot taller than me as a pony and it was really awkward and uncomfortable.

So it was unfortunate that one of my partners ended up being Celestia. “And how are you enjoying the night, ‘Egill’?” she coyly asked, putting a particular emphasis on the false name.

“Eh, it’s alright,” I answered, trying to hide the small surprise I felt to be dancing with someone as big as Celestia. “Wish it was over, though.”

“If you want, I’m sure I can arrange something more… entertaining for the two of us.”

“Not interested. I just want to get turned back as quickly as possible.”

“I suspected that was you,” she said, smiling widely. “I’ve a small warning, Nav.”

“Make it fast,” I said, noticing we were close to swapping partners again.

“Be mindful of your interactions with my sister. I heard what happened earlier…”

“It was taken care of, Princess.”

From the smile she gave me, I had a feeling that wasn’t quite what she meant. Before I could ask about it, however, she was swept away, getting replaced by a purple mare I was more familiar with. “You look… familiar!” Twilight said, seeming rather shocked.

“I wonder why,” I answered, smiling and taking her into my pseudo-arms.

“...Nav?” she slowly asked.

“And here I was, thinking you didn’t even know how to dance,” I said, tossing her off to the next partner. And so the dance went until Luna was once again in my possession. “I’m getting tired,” I said when that dance ended.

“One more,” she said. “Then we can get you turned back.”

“Deal.”

And of course, it turned out to be a slow dance. Since there wasn’t much else to do aside from control the few steps I had to make, I let my eyes wander across the floor. Oddly enough, many of the couples I saw were either kissing or nuzzling or other weird things. When I looked back to Luna, I found that she was looking at me.

In the light and with the smile on her face… With the night we had and all the fun we had before… It made me realize something. Man, Luna’s a fucking horse. Good thing she doesn’t want me kissing her.

Soon enough, the dance ended. She pulled me from the dance floor quickly enough. “So we’re done?” I sighed in relief as she began leading me toward the maze, where I left all my clothes.

“Perhaps,” she said, flashing me a secretive smile.

“As long as I can get turned back, I don’t give a fuck,” I sighed, popping my neck. We were nearing the maze, at least.

“You need not worry,” she said, moving closer to me as we walked. I unconsciously backed off from her. By the time we got to the maze, I was almost touching the wall and she was actually leaning into me. My ears twitched when she draped a wing over me to stop me from going any farther. “This was… nice,” she said, pulling me back to the middle as we continued walking to where I left my clothes.

I didn’t respond.

“We possibly made an enemy or two, but we made more friends, I think,” she continued. “And it was quite nice, hearing you defend me so.”

I stayed quiet.

“Ah, here we are…” she said when we found where we left my stuff just lying on the ground. None of it had been molested, thankfully. “Allow me to… unwrap you,” she said, biting her lip slightly. Before I could say anything, she grabbed me with magic and slowly started pulling the suit off me, smiling all the while. Soon I stood before her, naked but for my fur.

“It’ll feel good to be back in my skin,” I said, smiling and trying to ignore the growing pit of nervousness I felt in my stomach.

“Hm.” I felt the change overtake me as my body corrected itself, turning into the proper form. It felt… very right and much, much better. Of course, I immediately reached for my pants… But was stopped by a blue aura. When I looked up to ask her about it, there was suddenly a pony face in mine, pressing her mouth against mine.

Oh God! Oh God oh God oh God!

Thankfully, the horrifying moment ended quickly, a blushing Luna pulling away from my very shocked form. “Did… did you just…” I stammered, lost and confused.

“Is that not how dates end?” she asked, her blush subsiding slightly.

“But we… W-what?”

“We are—or were—acting as a couple, a date. I believe it is custom for dates to end with a kiss, is it not? Consider that the end of our… act.”

A sigh of relief flowed through me. “You had me worried there for a second,” I said, a nervous chuckle escaping my mouth. “So can I put my clothes on now?”

“By all means,” she said, looking away. For a second, I thought I saw some reaction on her face, but when I looked again she seemed relatively impassive, though slightly amused.

Either way, I wasted no time putting some clothes on, their familiar weight and warmth settling over me and protecting my naked form from the world. “Feels much better,” I happily sighed, checking all my pockets to make sure I had everything I should.

“Hm. Is there anything you desire or need from me before I depart?” Luna asked, looking back to me with a hint of hope.

“Not really. But are you okay? You seem… I don’t know, off.”

“I’m just… tired,” she said, though I had to say it sounded like a lie to me. “I had to wake up early for this party. Some rest will do me good.”

“Then go rest,” I said. “And don’t forget that Summer Wrap Up is coming soon, if you’re interested in attending. I imagine the ponies in Ponyville would be happy to see you.”

“I will make an effort to attend,” she said. “But farewell for now, Nav.”

“See you later,” I replied, nodding. Her horn lit up and for a second I thought I was about to get hugged again, but instead she just teleported out. “Man, she keeps teleporting instead of walking, she’s gonna grow as plump as Celestia…”

But that wasn’t my problem. I just started walking out of the maze, looking for the exit and whistling an old song. Despite being stuck as a horse for so long, the night wasn’t really all that bad.

...If I was smarter, I would have foreseen the beginnings of a very big problem that night.

Chapter Eleven—Summer Wrap Up

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WtEgZZhhinwiuuUiyDqznbJncLPHnKvNeoqOh9R3ZYo/edit

All things told, I wasn’t looking forward to the change in season again. It felt like spring and summer just started and they were already ending. And since I’m from a place where the climate is a lot warmer on average and snow is more of a myth than a hard (or soft) reality, the winter weather was particularly harsh to me.

Hell, it’s not like the ponies couldn’t control the weather anyway. I don’t see why they couldn’t just skip winter entirely. Fall is nice, sure. But winter? Ugh. Sadly, none of the ponies seemed to like my suggestion.

Anyway, the day of summer wrap up came not too long after the Gala. Ponyville was in full swing, with a large fair set up through the entire village. Dozens of people from out of town were there, all for the apparently semi-famous festival. The hospitality of the earth ponies was known far and wide, apparently.

I was not. As the fair was setting up, a good number of the ponies stopped what they were doing and stared as I passed. Since I was in the middle of dealing with Twilight at the time, I didn’t pay them any mind.

“And that’s why I’m hosting a history show this year!” she finished happily as we walked.

I trudged along next to her, slouched with my hands in my pockets. “So because a few foals didn’t know who Starswirl was, you decided this would be a good idea,” I said.

“Yes! Everypony out there should know our history. It’s important!”

“And it took you almost an entire year to do this.”

“...I wanted to be thorough. You’re going to help me, right?”

Sorry, I don’t speak English. “Can’t. Luna’s coming in tomorrow. She asked me to be her… guide. Don’t know why she needs one, but I ain’t gonna complain.”

“Oooh, that means I need to find somepony else! Hm… Maybe Princess Luna would help! She knew about Starswirl!”

I snorted and said, “Yeah, but she’s going to be busy having fun. If Halloween—”

“Nightmare Night,” she interjected.

“—Halloween was any indication, she likes carnival games. And she likes winning. I imagine she’ll be spending all her time competing. But hey, I heard Celestia was coming in as well. Maybe you can drag her to it. She probably knows just as much history as Luna.” Or more, considering she wasn’t away from things for a thousand years.

“Hm… I don’t want to take away from the princess’s time like that…” But you were willing to do it for Luna? “Maybe I’ll ask somepony else. I think I know all I need to know, anyway. I just need some actors!”

“And a booth.”

She smiled and asked, “Where do you think we’ve been walking?”

“I assumed we were going to a bakery,” I answered with a shrug.

She stopped in front of a taped off space and shook her head. “You always think that! But no, this is where my tent is going. Now let’s get it put up.”

I looked around our small area then back to where Twilight was just standing there with a smile. “...Where’s the tent?”

“...Buck!”

The next day was an early one. Even if I had been planning on sleeping in, the screams and gay laughter of the children outside would have woken me up.

Of course, I didn’t actually go outside yet. For one, I’m really not all that interested in carnivals in general. Sure, they’re interesting. And yeah, they can have some amazing—and really unhealthy—food. But they tend to be really expensive and not all that fun. The only reason I was going to participate at all is because Luna wanted me to and I have a real problem saying no to people.

And the other reason is that Luna needed some way to find me in that mess. Sure, I stick out like a black man in Europe, but the town nearly doubled in size with the large extension set up outside of it. Even with me looking very different, it could be difficult to find me. So I just told her that I’d be waiting in the library and to not hurry when she decided to come.

With luck, I thought, she would decide against it.

I had no such luck, of course. She reached the library a lot later than I thought she would, at least. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to get here,” I said, letting her in.

“I had business to take care of first,” she said, peering around the room. “Is Twilight Sparkle not in?”

“She’s at her booth, running a history fair.” I noticed something on Luna at that point and reached over to grab it. “Why is there a leaf in your hair?” I asked, holding it up. Looks like something out of the Everfree.

She looked at it for a moment before shrugging. “It’s windy and I flew in. Are you ready to begin the day?”

“Sure, I guess. I just need to put some shoes on. I was starting to think you weren’t coming.”

“I said I would, did I not? I would not let you down so easily.”

Let me down. Right. “You want to eat before we go? Carnival food ain’t usually cheap. Or healthy. Got some pork in the fridge from your griffin friends.”

“I shall front the cost, should we grow hungry,” she said. “I am most eager to finally begin the day!”

So much for stalling. And unfortunately, my shoes were obviously within sight as soon as she walked in, so that plan was out as well. Ah well. Hanging with Luna’s pretty fun. Maybe that’ll offset the shitty fair.

With that not very reassuring thought in mind, I slid my shitty cloth shoes on and popped my knuckles, signifying that I was ready. To Luna, however, it signified something else. “Does that not hurt?” she asked, tilting her head as she watched me fiddle with my hands.

“Nope. It limbers them up, making them easier to move. It’s probably a bad habit, but it’s not like I have much going for me anyway. Shall we?”

“Let’s,” she replied, flashing me an oddly sinister smile. I just shrugged it off as we left the library behind.

“So what do you want to do first?” I asked.

“We shall wander, seeing what activities are offered. I believe my sister said she participates in one of them often. Perhaps we can find and best her.”

“Then let’s wander.” And so we began. “Anything come of that slut at the Gala?”

“...Slut. Is such a word used to describe the mare that attempted to steal you?”

“Slut, whore, hussy. There are a lot of words for it. Any repercussions?”

“None of which I am aware. There are few that would dare seek vengeance against a princess. Though I did have many ask what happened to Egill.”

“Did you tell them that he died in a tragic bunny fire accident?”

“I informed them that the warrior-poet Egill returned home. Many were disappointed, mostly mares.”

“And nothing of value was lost. You know, I’m surprised you can get away without guards at something like this.”

“I do have guards. They remain inconspicuous, but would come if I called. We never leave the palace without them.” Unless you’re Celestia, apparently. “Why? Do you worry for my safety?”

“Just an observation,” I replied with a shrug. “I doubt you would find many people willing to hurt the two beings everyone thinks moves the sun and moon.”

“...Thinks, Navarone?”

“Oh hey, that guy fixed his bell!” I pointed over to the strength-tester thing, hoping to turn her baleful gaze away so I didn’t have to explain that her moving the moon was bullshit.

Thankfully, she took the bait. “Indeed he did. I bet I can ring it again.”

“If he’ll let you try,” I replied, following her as she walked to the guy with a purposeful gait.

When the poor bastard saw us coming, his ears flinched back and he looked away, hoping we’d take the hint. However, Luna is either terrible at social cues or just completely apathetic. Either way, she said, “I will ring that bell, citizen.”

The guy sighed and turned back to us. “Hello again, Princess. I uh… modified the machine this time. Instead of bucking it, you uh… use this hammer,” he said, grabbing the rubber sledgehammer that was resting against the machine.

“And I just… swing this down?” she asked, taking the thing into her hooves.

“That’s right!” he answered, hastily nodding.

Luna reared up on her back legs, taking the hammer in both of her hooves, and very quickly slammed it down onto the target. The vendor’s eyes jerked as they followed the weight on the machine, watching it slam into the bell on the top… and come sliding back down, leaving the thing intact. He let out a sigh of relief.

“Nice,” I said appreciatively. At least she didn’t destroy it this time.

“I have bested your machine of strength once more!” Luna happily said, pushing the hammer my way. I caught it and realized the fucker was probably about as heavy as a toddler.

“Ah, indeed you did, Princess!” he answered, smiling. “And won a very nice prize, as well!” He reached into the large bag next to him and pulled out a massive lamb, handing it to her.

She took the thing with a smile before looking my way. “Now it is your turn, Navarone. Let us see how well you do.”

“Nah,” I said, setting the hammer back against the machine. “I’m not strong at all.”

“You will either try or you will become my prize holder for the day,” she said, her eyes narrowing slightly.

I just sighed, grabbing the mallet again. “Prepare to be underwhelmed,” I said before lifting the thing overhead. It slammed against the target with a thin thud. I barely scored a five. “Alright then, we’re done,” I said, setting the mallet back.

“You didn’t even try,” Luna said, her eyes narrowing even further.

“No, I’m just really not strong,” I said. “My power is in my mind, not my arms.” And also I didn’t try. Even if I had, though, I probably only would have gotten a six.

Luna snorted and said, “Fine. Perhaps I need to begin training you.”

“Not interested. Shall we move on?”

“...We can discuss it later,” she said, using magic to float the lamb to her back. “Let us… roam.” We started walking again, leaving the relieved hammer guy behind. “You know, my first time at one of these, you gave me all your winnings. Should I not give you mine in recompense?”

“I’m afraid not,” I hastily said. “That goes against tradition.”

“...And which tradition is that?” she asked.

I shrugged and replied, “The guy wins prizes for the girl. And I’m afraid that I’m the guy here, so you can’t be winning me anything.”

“And could I not give them as a gift instead?”

“You could, but it would be tacky. What I did wouldn’t be gift-giving, then. It would simply be belated trading.” Here’s hoping she buys it.

“...Very well.” Hook, line, and sinker. “I shall find some other way of giving you a gift, then. That is what… friends do, is it not?”

“I don’t know, maybe? There’s not anything I want, anyway.”

“Too bad. You shall be rewarded this day for all that you have done for me.”

I chuckled and said, “What, spending time with you isn’t reward enough?”

“I…” Oh man, did I really say that? When I looked over at her, she was blushing quite hard and looking away. “It is… flattering that you think so.”

“So what other games do you want to play?” I asked, doing my best to change the subject.

“I have heard of one called… caber toss?” she said, sounding not quite sure.

“No clue what that is,” I said, shrugging.

“It is when you throw a log. I saw it when I was flying in and asked one of my guards about it. Apparently it is quite a popular sport here.”

“...Log thro—Oh! I know what that is, yeah. Saw some guys doing it once. You’d have to be really strong to do that.”

“Then that is where we shall go!”

“There are plenty of other games out there, you know,” I said. “Less things involving strength. Or are you just trying to find games that you can beat me at?”

“Is it so wrong that I would like to do something that I enjoy?” she tossed back.

“Fair enough. Lead the way.” Just means I don’t have to play carnival games… Or beat her at them.

Off we went, toward the outskirts of the town. “This is quite a crowd,” she commented as we walked. “I didn’t realize Ponyville had this many citizens.”

“It doesn’t. Most of them are from out of town. A traveling fair always comes to town for this event, apparently. And a lot of other people come here for the event. Earth pony hospitality is quite famous, it seems.”

“Hm. I remember a time, long ago, when things were… different. Those were simple days, when magic was magic and spells didn’t even exist…” What? “But the past is the past. It is good to see that the work my sister and I did paid off well, that this peace exists so freely.”

“If you’re equine-shaped, at least,” I muttered, seeing plenty of stares getting sent my way from the crowd and some vendors that we passed.

Luna didn’t catch what I said, probably due to the crowd. It’s likely for the best, either way. Then I felt a hoof across my stomach, stopping me. I looked over and saw Luna looking at one of the tents. “...Fortunes?” she slowly asked.

“Lies,” I corrected. “They use extremely ambiguous and vague statements that could apply to anyone and slowly narrow down your problem with a series of lucky and pointed guesses. Just a waste of time and money.”

“How does one read a hoof?” she asked, still not moving.

“Again, you don’t,” I said. “They make a show of tracing lines and then spout random statements that could apply to anyone and sound hopeful, but are completely meaningless.”

“And… tarot cards?”

“More bullshit. Let’s just keep moving.” Thankfully, she dropped her hoof so we could move on.

“It seems… odd that somepony could build a profession upon lies,” she said. “Is such a thing not frowned upon?”

“People are fucking stupid,” I answered with a shrug. “And hope is always a very valuable commodity. Fortune-tellers give hope to those that aren’t educated enough to realize that they’re just spouting bullshit. Some people are just comforted by the thought that someone can read their fate and give them advice based on it. But such a thing is impossible.”

“Nay, it’s not,” she said. “I just have yet to rediscover the tools that allow me to do it. Though my sister advised me that such a thing might be for the best.”

“Hm.” I very much agreed with Celestia, but I figured Luna could do whatever she wanted. Either way, it wasn’t my problem.

“YOU!” some male voice yelled right next to us. Luna and I both jumped at the suddenness, turning to face a massive white pegasus with ridiculously tiny wings and red eyes. Steroid junkie? Compensating? Albino? “ARE YOU READY TO BULK UP?!” the dude yelled at me.

“Uh… no?” I slowly said, my eyes taking in the sign over the tent behind him that said ‘personal trainer’.

He grabbed something behind him, loudly saying, “Yeah!” Protein powder? Can horses even use that?

“...No,” I said, either way.

He tossed that behind him and grabbed a few more things, this time energy bars. “Yeah!”

“Cease, citizen!” Luna answered him, sounding somewhat peeved. “If anypony is to train Nav, ‘twould be I.”

All the energy bars fell to the ground. “Yeah?” he asked, almost smirking. It was hard to tell with the horrifying muscles all over him.

“Yes!” Luna replied. “Do you not think I could handle it, citizen?” she asked, a icy edge entering her voice.

“...Yeah,” the trainer answered, his eyes narrowing slightly.

“Is that a challenge?” she shot back, her head lowering and her foot revving her body up to charge.

“YEAH!” the weird guy shouted.

“Then so be it. How wouldst thou like to proceed? No magic, hoof only?”

“Yeah!”

“Hold it,” I said, putting a hand on Luna’s shoulder. “Let it go, Luna. You have nothing to prove.” And there was a crowd growing, having heard the very obvious spectacle.

“I shall teach him manners,” she said, not even looking at me. “Stand aside and hold these.” Her horn lit up, pushing me to the edge of the small circle that had formed around us. The lamb and her four shoes and tiara were thrust into my hands. “Are you prepared?” she asked him.

“Yeah!”

“Then have at thee!”

The fight was over in two seconds, one of Luna’s front hooves smashed into the dude’s face. He dropped like it was hot, completely delirious.

“Stallions these days are more fragile than I thought,” she said, looking down on the poor bastard in surprise.

“Good job, you broke him,” I disappointedly said, dropping her crap and walking over to kneel down next to him. After looking him over, I said, “Best guess is broken nose, but I’m no doctor. Either way, he needs to get to the medical tent.”

“...Yeah,” the stallion whispered, his eyes crossed.

“‘Tis my fault, so I shall heal him,” Luna said, walking over. Her horn went to the dude’s face and she poured some magic into him. His eyes corrected themselves and he blinked, proper consciousness returning. “Are you well?” Luna asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, sitting up and rubbing at his face. Luna and I backed off, giving him room.

When I realized he was okay, I just walked over to the stuff I dropped, grabbing it off the ground piece by piece. Though why I was doing that instead of letting Luna do it, I don’t know. But she seemed to be talking to the trainer dude, so I don’t suppose she was paying attention. So I just draped the lamb across her back and then set the crown atop her head, making sure it was askew enough to be annoying. I wasn’t about to fuck with her hooves, though, so I just held onto the surprisingly heavy shoes.

“Farewell, citizen,” Luna finally said to the dude. “This was an interesting discourse.”

“Yeah,” he answered, nodding. Luna and I finally began walking again.

“These aren’t very light, you know,” I said when we got a few meters away.

“Perhaps this should be the beginning of your training,” she said, casting a glance toward the large horse-shoes I was still holding onto.

“Or you could stop being so lazy and take them back,” I said.

“Oh, very well,” she sighed, stopping and holding up one of her front hooves. I carefully balanced one of her shoes on top of it. “What are you doing?”

“Handing you the first one back,” I said.

“...You are supposed to put them on, Nav.”

“Do these things look like they’ll fit me?” I asked, not liking what she was implying.

“On me,” she emphasised.

“Do I look like a servant?” I asked. “Because I ain’t no slave. Now if you ask politely, I’ll consider it. But otherwise, I’ll just drop them and let you sort them out yourself.”

“...It is rare that anypony would speak to a princess in such a manner,” she slowly said.

“I ain’t no pony,” I replied. “I feel like we’ve been over this before. Honestly, it’s a little insulting that you would even have a term like that, when there are plenty of other races out there that aren’t ponies. Are you saying they’re not included?”

“It was a ploy created by my sister three thousand years ago to increase nationalistic fervor among ponies to inspire unity,” she answered without thought. “Now will you please assist me in putting on my shoes?”

“Sure,” I replied, fitting one of them onto the hoof that was still outstretched. It took me a second to get the weird thing on correctly, but she stamped her hoof down gently, making sure it stuck, before lifting her other front hoof. Another shoe went into that one, once again stomped into place. Then she turned around and thrust one of her back legs up. That had the unfortunate side effect of showing me more than I ever wanted to see, but I was good at ignoring such things by now, so I got the last two shoes on easily.

“Was that really so hard?” she asked, making sure the shoes were properly settled on each foot.

“I don’t know. Is it really so hard to treat a friend like a person instead of a slave?” I asked.

“Fair enough,” she said, starting to walk once more. “I am… unused to friendship. For the longest time, there were three castes. My sister, my servants, and the ones outside of the castle. Aside from my sister, all would hop to obey at my command. It is… different, having somepony that is not beholden to follow your commands.”

Figured a thousand years on the moon would break that habit right quick, but whatever. “Hm. Be mindful of it in the future,” I said. “Even outside of just your friends, you should at the very least be polite and ask for things instead of demanding them. Or worse, just assuming them.”

“I am aware. It just takes practice and time. But I am better than I was, am I not?”

“True. Hey, is that the log tossing thing?” I asked, nodding ahead of us where I saw some stallion attempting to pick up and throw a log that was three times my height.

“Indeed it is,” she said, smiling. “I trust that you are going to compete as well?” she asked, casting me a sidelong glance.

“Hell no. That shit would throw out my back faster than you can say the.”

“...The what?”

“Just the word the. It’s only three letters, so it’s really quick to say.”

She just shook her head at my cleverness, continuing to walk toward what looked like a place to sign up. Of course, I followed. After all, I figured it would be amusing to see how well she could throw something like that.

When we got to the small booth set up, the mare behind the counter looked up from filing her hoof… and continued looking up, not realizing just how tall her two new customers were. “Oh my…” she whispered, her eyes going wide as she realized with whom she was dealing.

“I am here to compete,” Luna said.

“Uh… really?” the chick asked, blinking in surprise.

“Yes, really. Is this where I sign up?” Luna asked.

“Um. Yes. I just… You know what, I think you meet the qualifications,” she nervously said. The mare grabbed a quill and wrote Luna’s name on a card, then pushed it to us. “Just… give this to the stallion over there by the logs. He’ll fill you in.”

“Excellent.” Luna grabbed the card with magic and began to march off to the throwing line.

Of course, I started following, but the mare stopped me. “Are you also going to compete?”

“Nah,” I answered. “Just here to watch Luna.” She blinked in shock at my informality, but I didn’t give her time to ask another question, just continuing to follow moonbutt.

When we got to the guy at the front, who was watching someone prepare to throw, Luna gently cleared her throat, catching the dude’s attention. He turned our way and blinked. “Can I help you, Princess?” he asked after a few seconds.

“I was told to give you this,” she said, floating the card toward him.

He took it from the air and scanned it. “Oh, you’re competing. Are… Uh, are you sure?”

“Yes. When may I throw?”

“After this fellow tosses,” he said. “Standard earth pony rules, so no magic or flying. I suggest stretching before you throw.”

“Hm. Navarone, would you help me remove my shoes?”

“You got ‘em off yourself last time.”

“Yes, and that was before I realized you might be willing to assist.”

“Sure. But I’m going to find out if ponies can be ticklish on their hooves while I’m doing it.”

“...I shall manage alone,” she said before using magic to pull each one off. That didn’t stop her from floating them next to me for safekeeping, however. And I also got the crown, since apparently it’s uncouth for something that goes on her head to be in the dirt. And I also held the lamb thing so it wouldn’t get dirty. It’s what comes from being friends with royalty, I suppose.

As she stretched, I couldn’t help but notice how well toned she was, despite being in a place that wasn’t supposed to have gravity for so long. And since she was turning and stretching in a way that disturbed me, I looked to the fellow throwing the caber instead. It seemed that he finally finished preparing and was lifting the log. I saw the muscles on his body strain as the log lifted and finally cleared the ground before flying several meters and landing.

“Not too bad,” the guy controlling the field said, turning back to us. “I suppose I should mention, Princess, that the goal isn’t distance as much as it is technique.”

“What?” she asked, straightening.

“Oh, distance is important,” he continued. “But not as important as making sure the log lies pointing toward you. You could throw the thing clear across town, but if it lands poorly, you’ll still lose.”

“That is not what I was expecting,” she slowly said, looking at the pile of logs again.

“Everypony always says that,” he answered, shaking his head. “But it looks like he’s done and his throw was scored. You’re up, Princess.”

“Hm.” She walked over to the line, pulling one of the large logs to herself. After a few deep breaths, she grabbed it with her two front hooves, leaned back to get some lift, and fucking launched it like a spear. What the absolute fuck.

It easily cleared the other guy’s throw by several meters, thudding into the ground and sliding forward a few feet before collapsing and bouncing, rolling slightly.

“That was the strangest bucking throw I have ever seen,” the guy said, eyebrows raised.

“How was it?” Luna asked, walking back over with a smile.

“Uh… Not that good,” he said. “The way it rolled means your score’s going to be fairly low. But you definitely get the prize for the farthest throw, if not the prize for the actual competition.”

“And that is why I came,” she said, her smile becoming triumphant. “Where may we claim the prize?”

“Let me just jot your score down…” He looked out to the field, where a guy with large cards was showing some message. The dude quickly wrote the numbers down and nodded. “Here you are,” he said, handing her the card. “Take this back to the booth. Marey will set you up.” I could practically hear the pun in her name. It hurt.

“Come, Nav,” she said, turning back to the original chick.

“You forgetting something?” I asked, not moving.

She stopped and looked back, noticing her hat, lamb, and shoes. “Hm. I trust you would not attempt to tickle a poor lady in need, would you?”

“I suppose that’s a risk you’d have to be willing to take,” I said by way of answer.

“Then will you assist me once again?” she asked, lifting one of her front hooves. And sticking out her lower lip in a very practiced pout, her eyes growing slightly watery.

The guy behind me muttered, “I think I just had a heart attack…”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the shoes, walking over. First, I got rid of the crown. Second, the lamb. Then I finally fitted her shoe on. “You’re lucky I’m nice,” I said, fitting the second one on.

“Thank you, Nav,” she happily said, grinning.

I could already feel the smile forming as I moved around to put her back ones on. The first one was no problem. The second one… Horse hooves have something called a frog in the center. It’s for blood circulation and yadda yadda, these ponies can be ticklish there. So when I safely secured her back leg, I gently stroked her frog. She gasped, her wings shooting straight out.

I took that as my sign to keep going, tickling the spot. Soon, she was laughing like mad and trying to jerk her leg away from me. I was just holding on steadily, making sure she couldn’t escape my oppressive grasp easily. Well, until I remembered how strong she was, then I finally stopped.

“Now what have we learned?” I asked as I fitted on her final shoe, covering up her sensitive under-hoof.

“That thou art a menace,” she growled, jerking her head away from me and slapping me with her tail.

“Damn right,” I replied with a nod. “Now, you ready to drop that card off?”

“Hmph!” She turned her head away from me in a little huff.

“Man, you ponies are so adorable sometimes,” I chuckled. “Makes me just want to…” I leaned in and snatched her in a hug before she could get away.

“Unhoof me!” she shouted, making no attempt at all to make me stop.

“I don’t have hooves, sorry,” I answered.

“Then release me at once.”

“Are you going to stop your little tantrum?” I asked.

“Princesses do not have tantrums!” she said.

“Then why are you so mad?” I asked.

She didn’t reply. After a few seconds, I pulled away, smiling. She was just glaring at me. I opened my mouth to say something, but she just turned and started walking to the booth.

“...Are you suicidal?” the caber guy asked as she walked off.

“I’ve been considering it ever since I got here, yes,” I happily answered before following the irate princess. When we got to the booth, Luna handed the card over without a word.

“Wow!” the chick said, her eyebrows lifting. “I think that’s a new record! Shame about the angle, but it’s hard to get right without a lot of practice. I think it’s safe to say that nopony will be beating that distance, though! That definitely deserves a prize.” She reached down under the small booth and pulled out the largest stuffed banana that I have ever fucking seen. There’s absolutely no way that thing could have fit under the damn booth, not unless she had some kind of bag of holding or something. “Here you are!” she happily said, handing the thing over.

Luna smiled darkly, taking it. “Thank you. I believe you should be the one to hold this, Nav,” she said, passing it to me. “How very fitting.”

I was suddenly very tempted to throw that fucking banana in her face, but restrained myself. Instead I narrowed my eyes slightly and said, “Do you want to hear about the time my grandfather and I broke a horse in?”

“Only a horse?” she asked, turning back to town. “I’ve broken more species than you have fingers.”

The chick behind the booth and I both just stared at Luna in some manner of horror as she walked away. What the fuck? After what she said, I didn’t really want to spend the rest of the day with her… But I was already in deep enough. What’s a little more?

It didn’t take long to catch up with her since she didn’t seem to be in any manner of hurry. “So what big events are planned for this day?” she asked as we walked back to town.

I was slow to answer, thinking about what she said. Jesus. Did she really torture people? “Uh. There’s supposed to be some big competition thing going on, but it started at noon. Pretty sure it’s too late for us to enter.”

“Blast! I knew I should have left sooner. No matter. There will be another year. Surely there is more than just that, though.”

“There’s a big hoedown near the end of the day, which is a considerably less formal dance thing. There are also several rides going on, like that giant ferris wheel there, but that’s not really an event. I don’t really know what all’s going on since I didn’t do much to help with or pay attention to the preparations.”

“Hm. And there are, of course, plenty of games for us to play. I suppose we shall manage, even without the large competition.”

We were once again back into the town, at this point, so the crowds were getting larger. Still, they parted before us as though we were pony Moses. Luna’s princessness and my freaky alien form probably did it.

As she was pondering what she wanted to do and as I was not paying attention, a familiar voice called out to us. “Nav, sister!”

We both turned to face the voice, which turned out to be Celestia. She was waving one hoof at us while the other was being held by a stallion, straining as hard as he could to bend it. If I had to guess, I’d say they were hoof wrestling or something stupid like that. With a casual flick of her leg, she slammed the guy’s hoof into the table, then stood and walked over to us.

“How are you enjoying the festival?” she asked, looking over the prizes we had and smiling.

“It is… most entertaining,” Luna said, not sounding overly enthusiastic.

“Not really my thing,” I said with a shrug. “You having fun yourself?” Looks like that stallion sure ain’t.

“Oh, it’s a way to get closer to my subjects,” she said, turning her head slightly toward the guy. “Say, would you happen to be interested in a match?” she asked me.

“Nope.”

“Hm. That’s a shame. Well, I don’t want to keep everypony waiting,” she said with a shrug. “I hope you two enjoy the rest of the festival.”

“You aren’t going to offer me a match?” Luna pointedly asked.

“Oh, Luna,” Celestia laughed. “Of course we may compete, if you want. I don’t think everypony would mind waiting an extra minute or two.”

“Excellent,” Luna practically growled, her horn lighting up. Once again, my hands were stuffed with the lamb and the crown. She only took off one of her shoes, though, and left it on the ground next to me. Together, the two of them walked over to the table and took their seats.

“Why do I have a feeling that table is about to break?” I muttered to myself as they both propped their legs onto the table before them.

“Are you ready, sister?” Celestia asked with a smile, their hooves meeting.

“Indeed.”

“Then let us begin.” Their muscles both instantly began straining, which was actually somewhat freaky to watch. “Honestly, I’m somewhat surprised you would choose to do this,” Celestia said, not sounding like she was even exerting herself.

“And why is that?” Luna asked, sounding slightly more strained.

“Oh, I think you know why,” Celestia said, her eyes flicking to me for a second. What? “After numerous examples over the years, I thought you would have realized that size truly does matter, when it comes to strength.”

“Perhaps…” Celestia suddenly pushed, sending Luna’s hoof a few inches closer to the table. “But there is more than one measure of strength!” With a thunderous crack, the table shattered, sending both of them to the ground. Luna took advantage of the sudden surprise by sending a surge of strength down her hoof, bringing Celestia to the edge of ruin.

But being on the edge is not being over the edge. “I believe some would call that cheating,” Celestia exhaled, her smile slipping.

“It was hardly my fault the table broke,” Luna answered. “Perhaps it was your oversized leg that did it.”

“There are many cultures that find larger women very appealing,” Celestia said, her grin turning sly and her eyes once again flicking to me. Luna’s eyes and ears twitched and her surprise let Celestia recover slightly. This shit’s getting weird. Maybe it’s time to step in…

…

Actually, I’m not going to interrupt two really powerful people when they’re in a pissing match. But… “You can do it, Luna!” I called, figuring I could give her at least some kind of support. Even though, you know, she was fucking retarded for even trying. I mean, Celestia’s huge.

Both of their eyes flicked to me. “It seem some disagree with that,” Luna said, smiling darkly.

“Loyalties die hard,” Celestia replied, pushing Luna’s hoof a few more inches.

Man, she really is gonna lose. Unless… “Use your freaky hair!” I called to them.

Celestia probably had no idea what I meant by that. Luna, however, had a better idea. “For good reason, perhaps,” Luna grunted, her freaky moving hair starting to tilt toward Celestia.

“What are you—pfft!” Celestia got a faceful of hair, distracting her slightly. When she shook her head enough to get it away, her eyes narrowed. “Two can play at that—Oh!” It seems Luna’s starry mane found a more… sensitive spot, under Celestia’s front legs. And it seemed that the sun princess was quite ticklish, given that she began flinching and laughing as Luna’s hair gently teased her. “Ch-ch-cheater!” she managed to say between laughs, giggling like crazy.

With that distraction, Luna was easily able to slam Celestia’s hoof to the ground. “You lose, sister,” she triumphantly said, letting go and standing up.

“You cheated!” Celestia said from the ground, still red-faced from the ticklish menace.

“Your hoof is in the dirt, is it not?” Luna asked. “And I was given no rules. There’s no cheating when the only goal is to win, with no guidelines stated.”

“You’ll never impress anypony like that,” Celestia said, rolling her eyes and standing. Her pristine white coat was now very much more dirty, but what do you really expect when going to a fair?

“Perhaps. Now, what did I win?”

“Nothing,” Celestia answered with a smirk. “There wasn’t a prize for this competition.”

“Tch. Figures. Come, Nav. Perhaps we can find somepony more sporting with which to compete.”

“Have fun, you two,” Celestia said, her normal motherly tone coming back.

Ugh, having fun. “See you later,” I replied with a nod. “Have fun pulling a train.”

“Oh, that game is for another festival,” she said, thankfully not getting what I meant. “I’ll see you back at the palace, sister.”

“Until then,” Luna said, nodding and starting to walk away.

I joined her, hearing Celestia say, “Now who’s next?” as she walked back to the remains of the table.

“Want to have a miserable day just to spite her?” I asked.

“No, no,” Luna said. “And I shouldn’t have antagonized her anyway.”

“Hey, at least you won. Though I’m surprised you did it anyway. I guess sibling rivalry never dies.”

“I likely would not have succeeded if not for your suggestion,” she commented, gently bumping into me as we walked.

“Nothing wrong with cheating,” I said, shrugging. “Anyway, I’m getting tired of holding all this shit. Want to just drop it off at the library and then keep going?”

“That is acceptable, though everypony would no longer be able to see our success.”

“‘Our’? So far, we’ve only gone to games that you can play. All I’ve been doing is moral support. I mean, I’m okay with that, but none of this success has been mine.”

“If you desire to play one of these games, all you need do is say so,” she said, looking down the row of games we were passing.

“I’m okay with not doing that. The ones back home killed my desire to really do much, since a lot of them were plain unfair. And from the looks of things here, it’s the same way. See that ball toss game?” I asked, nodding to one of the booths. Her eyes looked over there. “The ball is really light and the targets are full of weights. It’s possible to knock them over, but it’s much harder than it should be. The game of horseshoes we passed? The shoes are weighted in different areas, meaning each throw is inconsistent. And most of the games of chance, like throwing the ball into one of the right cups, are made specifically to scam people who don’t know how statistics work. Sure, it’s possible to win and I’ve done it a few times, but good fucking luck actually doing it. You can tell how hard one of the games is by looking at the possible prizes. The more expensive or large they are, the more impossible the game is. That’s to entice more people to come and play.”

Luna took some time to consider my words, looking around at the games we passed. “Such… dishonesty!” she said, shaking her head in disappointment. “How can such a place exist?”

“Because it makes people happy to actually play the games, win or lose. If they lose, it gives them solidarity, knowing that just about everyone lost because the game is unfair. But if they win, they beat the odds and got something cool out of it. It’s a money sink, but it’s one that’s fun. And you’d be hard-pressed to find a free hobby, anyway, so what’s the harm here?”

“Hmm…” I don’t know if she really bought it, but at least she wasn’t going to go hammer crazy and start trying to ban fairs or something. “I suppose it is a good thing that there is more to do than just the games,” she finally said, casting her eyes around and letting them stop on a certain booth. “Even if some are… less normal than others.”

I followed her eyes and saw that she was looking at a kissing booth, a very slutty looking mare sitting on the other side. Just the thought of that made me shudder. “Yeah. Plenty of rides, though. And I think the Wonderbolts are supposed to be doing some stunts all day, but I’m not really interested in that. And of course, there’s all kinds of shows going on. Music, talent stuff, weird little magic shows, puppet shows. I’m just not interested in most of it.”

“...What are you interested in, then? Why did you decide to come away from your dwelling?”

“Spending time with a good friend,” I answered with a shrug, earning the smile I knew it would. “And also, Twilight threatened to do something to me if I stayed antisocial today.”

“Good. It would be most shameful to lock yourself away during such an event. Especially since I am here.” Self-flattery, hm?

“If you say so.”

Thankfully, it didn’t take us much longer to get to the library. I dropped all the stuff off in my room, including her tiara and shoes so she wouldn’t have to keep removing them for everything. Of course, that was probably unnecessary, since I don’t think she really wanted to play anymore games after what I said. Still, at least it was easier to look at her as more of a horse without them.

“So what manner of… rides are available?” she asked when we got back outside.

“Log ride, ferris wheel, a few small roller coasters, a drop tower, I think there might be a tunnel of love, a pendulum, a carousel, a teacup ride, bumper cars, and a few slides. Might be a few others.”

“Hm. And what would you suggest?”

“Do you want to get wet?” The way her head shot to face me, I think she might have misunderstood me. “The log ride involves water.”

“...Oh. I do not mind water.”

“Then let’s start there. The other stuff will dry us off."

And so I led her through the list of rides, skipping the obvious ones. So no bumper cars (she was too big to fit in them), no teacup (same reason), no carousel (she took one look and started giggling), and no tunnel of love because ew.

Our last stop was the ferris wheel. By that point, the sun was starting to lower on the last day of summer, casting an interesting shade of colors across the sky. The hoedown had already begun, so there weren’t large lines for some of the rides we hit up. It was feeling like a nice end to an interesting day.

“So what do you think?” I asked as we slowly spun across the sky.

“This was fun,” she said, smiling. “‘Tis a shame we didn’t get to partake in the actual competition, but there is always next year.”

“Yeah. Just make sure not to get here so late.”

“I doubt I shall have that issue.” We lapsed into silence at that point, just watching the fair unfold before us. After some time, I felt her shift on the seat next to me, but I didn’t look over that way. “Do you regret it?” she finally asked.

“Sometimes,” I answered, still not looking at her. It was obvious what she meant. “I don’t belong here. But everyone is doing a good job of making me not think about it. And having some really good friends helps. It’s… not as bad as it used to be.”

“Do you ever… consider actually making a life here? Twilight Sparkle sends in her letters that you seem lost, untethered. Aimless. Do you not desire something to hold you down?”

“...I don’t know.”

She shifted again and I flinched when her wing and front leg wrapped around my shoulder. “Have you considered… finding a mare?” she asked. Oh God…

Unfortunately, I had a feeling that by ‘a mare’, she meant herself. “I—” Her other hoof on my cheek cut me off as she turned my face toward hers. This is bad. Gotta find a way out! Unfortunately, I felt my mind blank and all I could do was lean back as she loomed closer, presumably trying to go for a kiss.

Thank which god was listening, the ride shuddered to a stop at the point, with us at the very bottom. “Ride’s over,” the operator said, releasing our restraint. As soon as Luna realized we were being watched, she stopped her shit and let me go. “You two uh… have fun?” the guy asked, realizing what he might have interrupted.

“Yes,” Luna answered. I didn’t have anything to say, so I just hopped off and started walking. Luna didn’t take much time at all to catch up with me. We walked in silence. Awkward silence, on my part. I was completely horrified at the thought that Luna had any kind of crush on me. Jesus, how would she take it if I told her that I wasn’t even close to interested? “Nav—”

“Yo Nav!” a new voice called. I took that hint of salvation with glee, turning to see Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy walking over our way from one of the roads to the dance thing. “And hey, Princess,” she said with a small bow, not even close to the one she’d give Celestia. “You two heading to the hoedown?” she asked me. “It’s going real good, now!”

“Then why are you leaving?” I asked.

“Just taking a little breather with Fluttershy, here,” she said. Yeah, I know how she is. “We’re gonna be heading back soon, though, if you’re interested.”

To risk going to a large dance thing versus possibly being alone with Luna… “I guess I could,” I said.

“Cool. I can’t wait to see all those cool human moves of yours!” she said with a smile.

Sadly, Luna wasn’t going to give up so easily. “Would you perhaps be interested in walking me back to the library to get my things first?” she asked me. “It would not do for me to be seen in a setting such as that without my tiara and shoes.”

“Uh…” I sent a pleading look Dash’s way, hoping she’d get the message.

“Hey, we’ll walk with you, too,” she said, pulling through for me. “I know Fluttershy here wouldn’t mind being away for a little longer. Right?”

“Well, actually—”

“Let’s get going,” Dash continued over her with a smile.

“Very well,” Luna coldly said, her mouth shutting with an audible click. And so we began walking. I tried to keep some distance between myself and Luna, but she didn’t seem to want to have any of that, making sure to walk right next to me.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy either didn’t notice anything wrong or didn’t dare say anything. Either way, the two of them were talking about what they had done all day, though I wasn’t paying them any attention. Dash was talking about the Wonderbolts or something and how they were doing stunts and looking for some cool fliers to hang out with.

That is, until… “Do you hear that?” Fluttershy asked, stopping in her tracks.

“Hear what?” Dash asked.

“Sounds like… a critter!” Fluttershy answered with a smile, turning to look behind us. Sure enough, I could hear something pounding after us, though it didn’t sound like anything I’d be too happy to see. After hearing Fluttershy’s squeal of horror and turning around to see what manner of creature it was, I understood why.

Holy shit, it’s the dingonek! The monster was running straight towards us… towards me! Fluttershy immediately jumped behind one of the booths next to us, hiding from the beast. Dash up and fucking vanished, flying off to who knows where. Luna jumped forward, a dark smile forming on her face as the beast ignored all of them and seemed to run right at me.

“I shall defend thee!” Luna said, charging toward the monster.

“Wait, we have wings!” I shouted, trying to get her to just fly up with me so it couldn’t reach us instead of trying to fight the thing by hand. She didn’t listen, but that didn’t matter since it wasn’t even looking at her.

So when she got in front of it, she whirled around and bucked it in the face, actually sending it reeling even though it was covered in scales. She turned back and started moving forward, continuing to attack the thing. It still wasn’t paying her much mind, but it didn’t have to…

Right after Luna pushed it back a few feet and jumped forward to press her advantage, Rainbow Dash fucking crashed into her from above, sending both of them into the dirt. Oh shit! Learn to correct your fucking aim, Dash!

Of course, with Luna out of its way, it had a straight line to continue barreling toward me. I lifted my wings in an attempt to take off, but there was no way I had enough time. The last thing I saw before entering a whole new world of pain was its glassy eyes staring at me in some form of confusion.

Chapter Twelve—Aftermath.

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgpiexZbh0YSz2rATq249qgXRrnMqoWQ1G9Udx2EcP8/edit

A day later, I woke up to pain, looked around, saw Rainbow Dash’s worried face looking back at me, weakly gave her the finger, and passed out again.

A few hours later, I woke up feeling a hell of a lot better. Apparently my visitor of the hour was Pinkie Pie. The story of what happened was related to me, but since I’m writing this while still in a bit of pain, I’ll skip the added details of Pinkie’s silliness and relate it directly.

The dingonek fucking wrecked my shit for a few seconds before Fluttershy stepped in and used her freaky animal powers to pacify it, apparently staring it down as she stood over my nearly lifeless body until Luna recovered and could murder the shit out of the thing and pump enough magic into me to keep me alive.

Since she wasn’t as good at healing as her sister, Dash immediately started hunting for Celestia while Luna tried to keep me alive. Thankfully, Fluttershy’s courage stepped in fast enough for me to not need the really strong magic, so Celestia just did enough to set me on the track to heal in a few days to avoid possible side-effects.

The first thing I did upon getting out of the hospital was hugging Fluttershy. She was for some reason surprised by that, so her wings flared before she could control them.

Right after I hugged Fluttershy and then left for home, I got ambushed by a speeding Rainbow Dash in a flying glomp attack that almost sent me back to the hospital, and definitely ended in us both in the dirt. Amidst profuse apologies and wailed could-have-beens, she explained what the fuck she was thinking. Apparently, she was just trying to do something really impressive for the Wonderbolts to see.

I should have been angry about that… But I’m a sucker for teary-eyed faces, sadly. “Don’t worry about it, Dash. You crashed into a princess in front of your heroes and almost got me eaten. I don’t think it can get more embarrassing than that.”

And just when I thought I was going to be able to be on my feet for a while, I was thrown off them again by another flying hug tackle. Curse my forgiveness. And curse really bony ponies. At least my earlier prediction about pony-glomps was proven false: No bones were broken.

I was expecting Luna to come by that night to see me, but she never showed up. It was probably for the best, because I had no idea how to handle her apparent feelings for me. And I needed my sleep anyway, since healing apparently takes a lot out of a guy.

However, the next day, an invitation to the royal palace arrived via Spike. I was still asleep at the time and fighting my way through one hell of a strange dream. I wasn’t allowed to suffer its completion, though, since Twilight took it upon herself to wake me when the letter arrived.

“Look,” I yawned, blinking at her from my bed. “I know this is probably important or something, but did it really require waking me up?”

“It’s a letter from the princess to you! Of course it’s important!”

“First off, which princess? Second, couldn’t you have just read it and then responded how you thought I would have? Though, thinking about it, that might well get me put to death.”

“It’s from Princess Celestia. And I did read it, but only because I automatically assumed it would be to me and thus didn’t look at the outside before opening it.”

“Where I come from, that’s a felony. What did it say? Do I get some money for almost dying?”

“This is no time for joking! I have to get you ready for a trip to Canterlot!”

“...What? When?”

“Tomorrow!”

“Oh, cool. I can go back to sleep.” I started to lay back down, but her magic stopped me.

“There’s no time for that! Your transportation arrives tomorrow and I have to teach you how to act around Princess Celestia!”

“I’ve already met her, though. She’s a pretty cool chick. I don’t need to change anything.”

“You are not going to treat the Princess Celestia casually! She’s a princess and my mentor and you should treat her with respect and honor!”

“Eh, whatever. Either way, it means some awesome free food. Who else is going?”

“Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, according to the letter. I think the princess wanted to thank them for helping you. After all, you are an endangered species.”

“Wish that damn monster would have thought about that before attacking me... And I’m pretty sure Fluttershy would be very averse to the attention. Think we could tell the princess to chill on the thanks? I mean, I already talked to them both.”

“I’m afraid not,” she said, shaking her head. “Fluttershy will just have to fight her fear for a day.”

“Whatever. So we’re leaving tomorrow. And are you going?”

“I can’t go. Princess Celestia sent another letter asking me to work on a special project for her.”

“Man, Celestia’s really weird. But again, whatever. Though I don’t really know why she even wants to thank Fluttershy and Dash. They saved me, not her.”

“It’s to show everypony that they care, of course.”

Sounded silly to me, but there’s no real fighting it. And there’s no fighting Twilight when she drags you out of bed with magic, either.

When I showed the letter to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, they both acted about as I expected them to: Fluttershy was flustered and denying the fact that she deserved any honor and Rainbow Dash was pumped up for all of about five seconds before she realized that she almost got me killed and was going to get thanked for it.

So it was a somewhat morose group that greeted the chariot that arrived the next day. Why we really needed a chariot was beyond me, but I suppose it was better than flying in ourselves.

At least Fluttershy perked up slightly when she realized that she would probably have the chance to visit the gardens and some animals. Though whether or not they’d actually be happy to see her, I don’t know.

The fanfare of our entering the city was nonexistent. The only one to even greet us was the servant waiting for us at the chariot pool, who started leading us into the palace proper.

We were quickly ushered into a familiar sitting room. This time, it had an actual chair designed for me in it. Or hell, designed for any biped. There were still a few sofas and a few bookcases lining the walls. The massive window still covered the back wall, looking into some gardens. We were on the first floor.

I was just looking out the window and wondering if it was large enough for me to get out of when Princess Celestia unceremoniously walked in. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy stopped their little conversation about that bitch Philomena and bowed. I didn’t notice her step in, and asked without looking, “Rainbow Dash, you think I could get out this window without anyone noticing?”

Celestia answered for her: “Why, Navarone? Are you so eager to escape from me?”

As soon as I heard her voice, I turned around so quickly that I almost fell down. “Oh, uh, no!” I tried to remember what was outside the window, and recalled it was a garden of some kind. “I just wanted a closer look at some of the plants outside…” It was a feeble excuse, and the weak tone of voice I had when saying it pretty much gave me away, but she didn’t comment on it.

She turned to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. “If you want to see Philomena, I think she’s in the aviary. I could have somepony take you there, if you want to go. I know she still thinks of you, Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy looked down and answered, “Oh, um, that would be… nice. If it’s okay with you, I mean.” Hm, I can see where this is going. I started thinking about that window again, wondering if I could maybe get through it before she managed to send Rainbow Dash away.

Thankfully, though, Rainbow Dash seemed to realize what was going on. When Celestia asked if she wanted to go with Fluttershy, she was politely told no. I smiled to myself, before Celestia managed to ruin that. “I think I heard the Wonderbolts were practicing around that area today. You might run into a few of them if you go. But if you’re sure…” Before she could even finish her sentence, Rainbow Dash was gone. Dammit.

“You know,” I said, “that does sound interesting. I think I’ll follow them…”

“Nonsense!” I was told. “Don’t you want to spend some time with your friend?”

Here’s hoping she doesn’t want to crucify me for Luna’s crush. “I suppose I don’t mind. Though you know, those two are also my friends.”

“True. Let’s talk about your hunting trip with my sister, shall we?” Uh oh.

“...What about it?” I warily asked, feeling myself unconsciously backing against the wall.

“Relax, Nav,” she said, walking over to a couch and lying across it. “Relax and sit. We’re friends, aren’t we? There’s no need to be nervous.”

I slowly walked to the chair, fearing what might soon happen. “Not much happened on the trip,” I slowly said, sinking into the chair and wincing as my wings got caught. “Why uh… why do you ask?”

“I’m interested,” she said, smiling in an attempt to put me at ease. “Please, go into some details. What happened? What all did you see in that dark forest?”

“Look, can we drop the pretenses here? If you’re angry or disappointed, go ahead and say it. Because if you’re putting on this act to be condescending, I’m going to be really, really pissed.”

She blinked in surprise a few times. “You… are not a pony,” she finally said.

“Really? And here I was thinking these things at the end of my arms were just multi-hooves.”

“I’m very used to having to… beat around the bush, so to say, with my little ponies. Some of them are so very fragile, after all. And some seem incapable of learning unless I drag them around, so I’ve taken to… Well, that’s not important. Yes, Navarone, I am disappointed. But not in you. I understand that you have needs that must be met, though you could very easily fulfill them in ways other than killing animals. But please, tell me about the hunting trip. It is important.”

What she said didn’t really make me feel any better, but I told her the short story anyway. Since Luna was getting somewhat scarily close, I made sure to tell Celestia about her eating meat, in the hopes that Celestia might put a limit on how much time Luna could spend with me. Yes, Luna was a good and useful friend and I did enjoy spending time with her, but I didn’t want a deeper relationship with her.

“Interesting,” she said when I finished. “Do you think the monster you ran into is the same one that attacked you?”

“No clue. For some reason, it actually looked confused right before it mauled me. Speaking of which, thanks for healing me. I assume you’re the reason I don’t have scars?”

“Yes, that was me,” she absentmindedly said, rubbing a hoof against her chin in thought. “I will have to research some things,” she finally said with a nod. “Anyway, Luna ate meat?”

“Yeah. And she also told me not to tell you, so don’t tell her I did. She said a little wouldn’t kill her and that she liked it, so I figured it wasn’t a problem.”

“It’s certainly not the strangest thing she’s done. Has she done anything else that you would find strange?”

“...What’s going on?” I asked. “Is she okay?”

“Yes, she’s just fine. But do you remember how she acted during the festival towards me? She was somewhat cold and I would like to know if I’ve done something to upset her.”

I shrugged and said, “As far as I know, you haven’t. The only negative comment she made about you is that you aren’t in the habit of explaining things to her. You tell her that things have changed, but not why, and because of that she’s reluctant to accept things.”

“I see. I will have to dedicate a day to explaining things to her, then. Though that doesn’t explain why she was so seemingly hostile during the festival.”

“Can’t help you,” I said. “And I’m not going to spy on her, either.”

“Nor would I ask you to. You’re plenty forthcoming enough as it is. But what of her attitude toward you? Has it changed in any way?”

Oh man. How much should I trust her with?

“By your hesitation, I would guess yes,” she said. “Is she cold towards you as well?”

“...No. Try not to take this the wrong way and please don’t incinerate me, but I think your sister has a crush on me.”

She smiled and chuckled happily before saying, “Why would I ever want to hurt you over that, Nav? That seems wonderful!”

“If you think so, you’re free to seduce her yourself. She’s a good friend, but that’s all she is.”

“...Oh.”

“Yeah. She started coming onto me at the Gala and I thought nothing of it, since we were just pretending to be on a date. She explained it away as normal behavior. Then she practically admitted it at the festival and was inches away from kissing me when we were thankfully interrupted.”

“Hm. Is there any reason in particular that you aren’t interested?”

“Yeah. She’s a fucking horse. I think we’ve been over this. I can’t spend eighteen years treating and seeing horses like big dumb animals and then just be expected to fall in love with them. Especially since I used to help on a farm and had to take care of them sometimes.”

“Is that truly the only thing holding you back from liking her as well?”

“...I don’t know. I mean, she really scares me in some ways. Like, I know I’m a relatively unpleasant person, especially compared to most ponies. But Luna is straight up morbid, bordering on scary. No respect for the dead, not much for the living, and still occasionally treats even me like a servant. I don’t know, maybe if I could look past the horse thing, it could work. But that, combined with the rest? No.”

“I see… And how were you planning on handling this?”

“Ignoring the issue and hoping it goes away.”

She blinked in surprise. “That… doesn’t seem like the best of ideas.”

“Well, I’m worried about telling her that I’m not interested. I honestly don’t think she has any other friends and I’m probably the first guy she’s had a crush on in over a thousand years. If I shoot her down now, there’s no telling what could happen.”

“...True. It could lead to a resurgence of Nightmare Moon.” My eyes widened slightly. I didn’t even think about that! “I believe I need to have a conversation with her. I won’t break your trust, so hopefully she won’t be angry with you. It will have to wait for some time after she wakes up, though. I fear I have some things to take care of after we speak.”

“All I have to do is evade the issue for a little while if she tries talking to me. Simple enough.”

“She’ll probably be excited enough to see you well again. After what happened, I have to say that you’re lucky to be alive.”

“Less luck and more Fluttershy being awesome. Definitely happy she was nearby, especially after Luna for some reason decided to attack the thing with her hooves instead of her magic.”

“Luck or not, it’s good you’re safe. I know I would certainly miss my good friend.”

Oh, now I’m a good friend? I’m starting to think the royalty here is more lonely than they let on. “Not entirely certain everyone would agree with you, there.” That includes me. “But it’s probably for the best. And at least I didn’t lose everything.”

“Everypony will come around in time,” she said. “I know the ponies in Ponyville are getting more accustomed to you. But they aren’t the only ones that need to grow used to things. How are your wings?”

“Still annoying as all fucking hell. But I’m getting more used to them. I’ve upgraded from bitching about them to whoever will listen to burning resentment.” Though that had more to do with a lot of the ponies getting tired of hearing it than me actually getting used to them.

“That’s good to hear. Do you have any new friends?”

“Nope. Doing my best to avoid people does that.”

She sighed, shaking her head. “You’re hardly going to befriend anypony if you avoid them, Nav.”

“Didn’t you just say a few minutes ago that I wasn’t a pony? I have less need of friends.”

She smiled and said, “You know, I wouldn’t mind getting a few more friendship reports every week. Would you like to start sending me some?”

“You know, I heard the griffin kingdom is really nice. I bet I could make a good living there.”

“Is the idea truly so bad that you would leave the country entirely?”

“Yes. The entire idea of ‘friendship reports’ hurts me a little on the inside. It’s like the ultimate condescension and insult all in one, asking someone to do something like that. To Twilight and her friends, who are occasionally criminally retarded, I can understand. But to someone like me, who actually has common sense? I’d be pissed if I had to do shit like that.”

“And yet, it sounds like you would need them most of all.”

“Oh, I know perfectly well how to make friends. I just don’t want any.”

She smirked and said, “Would you like to make a bet, then?”

“Not interested.”

“Oh, but you didn’t even hear the terms!”

“The terms were going to be something like, make a friend in a week or I have to start sending you reports. Am I close?”

“...Yes. So are you interested?”

“Not even a little. I don’t even get anything out of it.”

“I could make it more interesting!”

“Absolutely nothing you could offer me would be worth the absolute misery I would go through every time I would have to write a letter, on the off chance that I lost.” Unless maybe it was a swift bullet to the back of the head instead of writing a letter. “So not interested.”

“I hardly find how it would be insulting. It’s done nothing but good for Twilight and her friends!”

“Where I’m from, we had a thing called cartoons that taught us absolutely everything I’ve ever seen in one of her reports. I already know all there is to know. I just don’t want to apply it. And hell, I’ve given you one of those shitty reports in person once. Do you really want to start getting sarcastic and dark letters every week that make fun of the entire idea?”

“Yes, actually. That sounds quite enjoyable. It would be an interesting contrast from the letters I usually get from Twilight and her friends.”

“Too bad.”

“Oh, very well…” she sighed, slouching slightly. “It truly is disappointing that you’re so recalcitrant about this…”

“I’m used to being a disappointment. Now can we change the subject?”

“I suppose.” She perked up slightly, her smile returning. “Would you like to do me a favor?”

“Depends on the favor.”

“Well, you keep mentioning that you took care of… horses back on your world. Did that include more personal care of them?”

“You name it, I’ve probably done it at least once. I didn’t deal with them often, thank God, but my grandparents liked making sure I knew how to do everything important.”

“Including… brushing them?”

“Yes?”

“Well… I haven’t had somepony else brush me in ages. It always seemed inappropriate to ask a servant or guard to do it and it’s rare that I actually find a friend that’s done it before…”

“And that doesn’t seem… I don’t know, weird to you or anything? I mean, that’s treating you like an animal. Do you really want that?”

“Nav, I know you pet some of the other ponies without even thinking about it. And you give out belly rubs. You obviously don’t have a problem with it. What’s different with me?”

“Maybe the fact that you actually remind me a lot more of the horses I used to take care of than any of the others? You’re about their size.”

“Well, I don’t have a problem with it. If you don’t want to, I won’t press the issue.”

“It’s not that I mind. It’s just… I don’t know, weird. If you really want to, I guess I can. Just don’t tell anyone else so they don’t think to ask.”

“Wonderful!” she happily said, hopping up, her horn glowing. Seconds later, a large fur brush appeared in the air next to her. It floated over to me and I stood to take it.

“If you start moaning, I’m going to stop,” I said, walking over to her.

“Then be careful around my wings,” she said. “Oh, and try not to tell anypony about this. I fear it might cause quite a stir and some would get the wrong impressions.”

“Fine by me,” I answered, taking the brush and beginning. She sighed in contentment. “So, any new problems you want to discuss?” I asked. Might as well talk, try to get this to go by faster. God, these ponies are fucking weird.

“Oh, a few…” And so we gossiped as I treated a very sapient creature like a common animal.

How is this my life?

About half an hour or so later, she was just vocalizing a familiar song while I ran a longer brush through her freaky moving hair stuff, whatever it was.

So that’s the sight Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash saw when they walked in on us. Celestia immediately moved away, barely giving them a chance to see what was going on. For my part, I surreptitiously slid the brush into a pocket, hoping neither would notice.

Fluttershy was thanking the servant that guided them in when Rainbow Dash said, “There sure weren’t any Wonderbolts out there. I just spent a few hours looking at stupid birds.”

Is she really just going to ignore it? After a second of thought, I blinked. Oh right. They’re ponies. If they didn’t explicitly see something, it didn’t happen. Naive as all hell.

“Oh, I know!” Fluttershy said. “It was wonderful! There were so many different types there, more than I’ve ever seen!”

Fluttershy and a slightly blushed Celestia moved off to one side of the room to discuss birds, leaving me and Rainbow Dash alone. Normally Fluttershy is… well, shy, but when you get her talking about animals it is sometimes hard to shut her up. “You know, Navarone, it’s not too late for us to sneak away. I’m pretty fast, even with you slowing me down. They probably wouldn’t notice us gone until we were already home.”

I grimaced at the thought of flying that far. “Nope. I fear we’re stuck here, at least for the time being. We’re in the palace as royal guests, so if nothing else we’ll be treated very well.”

“You and Fluttershy, maybe. I think some of the servants here might be upset with me for a little stunt I pulled back during the Gala a little while back.”

“Yes, I’ve heard tales of that. Still, the worst you’ll have to deal with is a drafty room and ratty bedsheets. And we’ll probably be berthed near each other, so if all else fails you can just go bunk with Fluttershy.”

“What’s that about being birthed? And what makes you think I wouldn’t rather sleep in your bed?”

I raised an eyebrow at that. “Berthing—that’s with an e, not an i—is a naval term for bunk, or bed. And I figure Fluttershy would probably be a lot warmer than I am; she’s considerably more furry, if nothing else.” Yes, I did learn some interesting things from Big Macintosh, but I didn’t learn any names. She might have a crush on Fluttershy or she might not. Either way, I figured she’d be quicker to share her bed than mine.

“You’re right. You’re too bony to sleep with, anyway.” I decided not to go poking my head in doors late at night while I was here.

The lull in our conversation coincided with a lull in the other conversation in the room, and Celestia quickly took steps to get out of talking about more birds: “Would you all like to see more of Canterlot? I can arrange a tour. Sadly, I can’t spend any more time today with you, as I have pressing matters elsewhere to take care of.”

We decided to go on the tour, lacking much else to do. All three of us are famous for some reason or another, apparently. Rainbow Dash is relatively famous for winning some competition a little while ago in Cloudsdale and being the only person to pull off a Sonic Rainboom—basically, she broke the sound barrier and because of the magic here, that released a massive rainbow or something like that.

Fluttershy was apparently a famous model at some point in her life, if you can imagine that. I’m not going to pretend to be a judge of appearances for ponies, so I couldn’t tell you how she looked, but I know she was graceful enough for it.

And me? Well, I draw glances wherever I go, just by being me. It’s like a white guy walking into a black club: The DJ’s disk scratches, the music cuts off, all the conversations die off, and everyone just looks up at you. Put short, it’s awkward. Ponyville had at least gotten used to me, but this place hadn’t had the dubious honor of my presence for as long.

Thankfully, the ponies in Canterlot have a lot more tact than the down-to-earth ‘country ponies’ of Ponyville. While they did stare, they didn’t rush their children inside at the first sight of me or whisper rude comments that I could half hear. That might have had something to do with the small royal guard squad we had with us, though.

It was a nice city, but I was too busy making faces at some of the little colts that were following us to pay much attention. As soon as one got the courage to get close to us, I’d turn around and make a scary face or something and they’d run away again, only to repeat the process.

Rainbow Dash thought it was funny, while Fluttershy was doing her best to pretend to not be a part of our group. The royal guards were all stony faced. I managed to get one to smirk with a particularly off-color joke that I won’t reprint here, but one of his partners hit him and he went back to stoniness.

During that little episode of making the guard smile, I didn’t notice one of the colts getting closer until he asked me a question. “Mister, what are you?”

I started, surprised. Then I smiled. “I’m a monster.”

“What kind of monster?”

“The kind that eats kids that ask questions.”

“Good thing there aren’t any goats around, then.” What the… oh yeah.

“I don’t stop at lamb chops. Sometimes I like to nibble at ponies that ask too many questions as well.”

That got his attention, but he quickly responded, “I don’t think you’d have a royal escort and two pretty mares with you if that was true.” Rainbow Dash cracked up at being called pretty, while Fluttershy just blushed. Suave. This will be fun.

“Maybe these two are just my tribute, and the royal guards are here to see me out of town so that I don’t nab anyone else on the way.”

“If that’s the case, then why should I fear you? They’ll just protect me if you try to eat me!”

“You’re assuming they’ll care. Who knows? They might think it’s a good idea to set an example of those that ask too many questions.”

“Would you be willing to risk that?”

I put on an evil smile, making sure my canines were visible. “The better question is, would you?”

That shut him up for a minute, but he just started right back at it. “I don’t think you’re going to eat those two.”

“Yeah. They’re too skinny. I mean, look at this one!” I poked Rainbow Dash. “Flesh and bone. No meat on there. The other one, though, she might be tender enough.” I patted Fluttershy on the side. All I got for my efforts were one mean look, one scared look, and another hidden smile from one of the guards.

“No, I mean, they’re not trying to escape! If you were about to eat me, I think I’d be running away.”

“Maybe they don’t want to escape. Have you ever tried being eaten? It might be really fun!”

“It doesn’t sound like much fun.”

“I bet both of these two would disagree if I started eating them out.” Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash both kicked me and all the guards burst out laughing. The kid looked completely confused.

Rainbow Dash finally decided to step in. “First things first, look at who’s calling who flesh and bone! You barely even have any skin on you! I know, because I was there when that scaley thing thought you were dinner! And second off, he’s a human. They’re a species of mostly jerks that live in another dimension. And third, he doesn’t eat ponies. He only eats colts. So beat it, before he decides he’s hungry and grabs you.”

With that, and an even more confused look on his face, he fled.

Rainbow Dash looked at me, and just said, “Humans are so weird.” I can’t really deny that, but I think the same could be said about ponies.

The rest of the city was nice. There were plenty of monuments detailing events that I had no clue about, so I guess it’s kind of like what visiting DC is like for most Americans.

The three of us ate dinner with the princesses. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy made sure to snag the seats next to Celestia, showing clear favoritism. Thankfully, Luna behaved, meaning I didn’t have any problem sitting next to her.

Not so thankfully, she dragged me off to the palace gardens after we finished. “Scaring foals is not a good way to make friends, you know,” she said.

Keep her occupied. Don’t give her hints. Be ready to run. Let’s do this. “Yeah, but it sure is fun.”

“From what I heard, though, you didn’t so much scare him as confuse the poor colt. I think he’ll be having an awkward conversation with his parents soon.”

“We all gotta learn stuff like that at some time. I don’t know where you heard about that anyway.”

“I have my sources.” Maybe she spoke to the guards? Or worse, maybe she’s watching me. As though reading my thoughts, she said, “It’s amazing what the guards talk about, sometimes. It appears as though you made quite an impression on them.”

“Well, from the looks of them, it takes something special to get them to laugh like that.”

“Not just that, though. Apparently you were closeted away with my sister again for some time. It’s rare that they leave her alone for so long, let alone twice with the same po—person. I’m somewhat curious as to what she had to do to get them to leave her in peace for so long.”

“What can I say? I’m a disarming kinda guy.”

“I’m sure,” she said in a very dry tone. “What did you two talk about?”

Trap question. It could be a simple question, small talk. Or it could be an attempt to see if we’re talking behind her back.

I decided on an easy answer. “This and that. She doesn’t have many people to talk to and have a conversation with, so that’s what we did.” A true answer, and it opens her up. If she pushes for more, I know something is up. And this way, I look innocent in that I didn’t understand the true purpose of her asking.

“You weren’t saying anything bad about me, I hope.”

“Why lie?” She smiled. My answer could mean a lot, but when a woman has the option of taking something in a way that makes them feel better about themselves, I’ve found, they’ll take it that way. Unless the other option is an insult, in which case they’ll always choose the option that makes the guy out to be a villain.

“Ever the charmer, I see,” she said sarcastically.

“I’m a hopeless romantic, what can I say?” I answered with just as much sarcasm, not quite liking where this was going.

“One of these days, your tongue is going to get you into trouble.”

“That’s why I’m friends with two princesses. They usually have some good sway in whose tongue gets cut off and when.”

“And what if the ponies you get into trouble with are those two princesses?” she asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“I’ll play them off each other and end up scott free while they bicker and fight.”

She snorted and said, “I’ll have to remember that.”

“Besides, surely you wouldn’t want me to lose my tongue. I make much nicer sounds with it than I would without it.”

“I don’t know, all mares like stallions that listen. And without a tongue, you’d be doing a lot less talking and a lot more listening.” Note to self: Talk a lot more often.

“I’ve also heard all girls like a guy that can make them laugh. It would be a lot harder to do without a tongue.”

“We can get you a silly hat,” she answered with a smirk.

“My lady,” I said, feigning shock, “I am no mere jester!”

“We can teach you to play an instrument, so you can serenade us while we talk to the stallions that don’t make us mad enough to cut off their tongues.”

“If I had to listen to a man that boring, I’d rather beat myself to death with the instrument than play it,” I deadpanned.

“We can remove your ears, as well.” This is getting a little morbid.

“Ah, but then I won’t be able to take orders, or tell if I hit a false note. I could play terribly and never hear the order to stop.” She grimaced at that, and I could well agree. If nothing else, it would be a nice revenge.

“Yes, you might drive away the other stallions.”

“I’d be doing you a favor, I believe. Anyone worth listening to will probably manage to infuriate you at least once.”

“That reminds me, you never did thank me.”

“What, for trying to get me killed?” I shot back. After all, you could have killed that thing instantly instead of trying to fight it with hooves.

She looked unduly alarmed at that. “What do you mean? I tried to save you!”

“Yeah, and it was your fault I was in that position at all!”

“How did you… I didn’t know Dash was going to do that! I was supposed to be the pony to save you!”

“…Wait, what?”

“…Um. What did you mean by, it was my fault?” Uh...

I very slowly said, “You could have used magic to kill it instantly… What did you mean?”

She turned bright red, enough so that I was able to tell she was blushing even though it was getting dark out. Instead of answering, though, her horn lit up and she instantly teleported off. Well, at least I’ll have something to talk to Celestia about the next time I see her.

On that note, I decided it would be best if I went to sleep, so I went on to bed. Or I should say, I went to my room, only to find my bed being occupied by a very flustered Fluttershy.

“I thought this was my room,” I said, hastily jumping off of a somewhat lumpy Fluttershy; I didn’t turn any lights on when I entered and just went straight to the bed.

“It is? Rainbow Dash came into my room early in the night, saying her room was cold. She ended up taking over most of the bed and she was really hoovesy, so I came here since I thought it was empty… If… If that’s a problem, I can go find another one…”

“Nah. I’ll just go stay in her room. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping much anyway.”

Instead of trying to sleep, I paced back and forth across the floor of Rainbow Dash’s room, trying to figure out what Luna meant. It’s not like she could have instigated an animal attack, right? Although… the thing came charging right at me. It completely skipped the hoedown and ignored Luna even as she attacked it.

Could she have actually been the cause? After thinking for a few seconds, I started putting pieces together. That leaf in her hair, the one from the Everfree. What Celestia said about Luna trying to impress someone. And Luna made it pretty obvious how she felt… Maybe she really was trying to impress me. Why the fuck would she do that? And better yet, why would she try doing it like that, of all ways?

I shuddered as a brisk spring wind blew through the window, shaking me from my deep thoughts. I can tell why Rainbow Dash left the room afte—Wait. The inner FPS gamer in me had noticed all the normal sounds of the palace at night, and something new was added to them. I could hear a slight… flapping, like a bird trying to escape a cage.

I walked over to where I left a lit candle and lifted it up, trying to get a better look but dreading what I would find. In its small, flickering light, I beheld a half-moth half-something all-monster thing that looked a lot more poisonous than I had poison resistance. I’m not going to lie or sugar coat it: I fucking screamed and booked it. Pulling out my knife didn’t even cross my mind. Thankfully, I managed to not drop the candle, so the flame was extinguished in my mad flight.

I managed to rip the door open, almost off its hinges, and I probably slammed it so loudly that I woke half the palace. I was scrabbling on the door for locks when a guard came up behind me, put his hoof on my shoulder, and almost received a bloody nose for the trouble. It was one of Luna’s night guards.

“What’s going on?” he asked me.

“Big... moth… THING!” I yelled, pointing to the door.

He shouldered me aside and slowly pushed the door open. Sure enough, the very big moth thing was definitely still there. The door was quickly slammed shut again, with two of us now scrambling for a lock. Some guard he is.

We were at it until more guards were called and they thought there were enough to take on whatever the hell that thing was. And of course, when they opened the door again, the beast was gone, probably having flown back into the night.

“Shit,” I said, “I thought this place was supposed to be a nexus of happiness and love. What the dick was that?” At least I knew I wasn’t crazy, since there was at least one guard that saw the damn thing.

“Navarone, why are you trying to wake my castle?” a calm voice asked. Celestia had arrived, to her usual fanfare of everyone bowing in her direction. “I hope nothing is terribly amiss.” I quickly noticed something… off about her appearance.

“Nah, nothing too bad. Just some giant moth thing hovering in my room, possibly trying to murder me.”

“Your room is down the hall. I believe that is Rainbow Dash’s room. Why are you outside of it and panicking instead of outside of your room and panicking?”

“Rainbow got cold and went to Fluttershy’s room to sleep. Rainbow isn’t much of a bed fellow and Fluttershy isn’t much for pointing things like that out, so she went to my room to sleep. I wasn’t going to sleep that much anyway, so I went to Rainbow Dash’s room since it was empty and I needed to think. And then some big thing flew in the window with a possibly murderous intent.”

“You said it was a moth. How do you know it wasn’t just drawn to a light?”

“All I had in there was a barely flickering candle. There are tons of brighter things out there. Whatever the beast had in mind, natural moth-like tendencies towards light were not involved.”

“Did anypony else see it?”

“Yeah. A night guard came rushing when I shouted.” I looked around for the fellow, but the excitement, it seemed, had been too much for him for he was nowhere to be seen. “Odd, he was just here. Anyone see one of Luna’s guards walk away?”

One of the day guards spoke up then, refuting my claim: “There were no guards posted in this area, Princess. You told us to give the guests no sign that they were confined, so we didn’t think any guards here would be needed. The disturbance was reported by a servant that was coming to check on the guests to see if they had any needs. The only way a guard would have been here would be on his own volition.”

“I don’t care what he says, there was a guard here that saw what I saw. Not like he did anything with it in terms of protecting me; he was just as eager as I to get that door shut.”

“Are you sure you didn’t just have a bad dream?” Celestia asked. “I know Twilight mentioned that you seem plagued by them at one time.”

“My definition of a ‘bad dream’ is memories of a home that I was rudely ripped from, not monsters. Monsters are easy to escape, and they go away when you wake up. Fond memories haunt you forever. I was awake when it happened anyway, so I know it was not a dream.”

“And you’re sure you weren’t just seeing things? You said it was dark; you could have just been imagining it.”

“Yeah, it could have been possible, but it was rather unlikely. For one, the beast was still there when I opened the door with the guard to check, and for two, I heard the thing when it was inside. I could hear the gentle humming of its wings as it hovered in place.”

“If you are certain of what you saw, then, I’ll have the guards look outside for it and keep a lookout in the other rooms of the palace in case it reappears. I know of a creature that fits its description, but I haven’t heard of one being sighted in many, many years. We shall talk more on it in the morning, as I wouldn’t want to keep all of you awake for any longer than necessary. Go back to your beds, my guests. This matter will be taken care of.” That was when I first saw Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were also awake, and looking at me with apparent concern.

“Fine, we can table it until the morning,” I said. “But there’s more to talk of than just that, and I’d rather have you alone to discuss it, Princess, if you don’t mind my temerity in asking.”

She arched an eyebrow, but said, “Of course I don’t mind. Guards, go about your business and look for any signs of this creature. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, feel free to go back to bed. Navarone, we can have another room drawn up for you, if you wish.”

“No, I don’t think I’ll be getting any sleep tonight. Do you have any big rooms with lots of books?”

In hindsight, I probably should have guessed that some servant was really annoyed with those proceedings and would lead me straight to the royal treasury record room instead of the library, but at least there I was able to snatch a few hours of troubled sleep in physical, if not mental, peace. I know I said I didn’t feel tired, but hell, it’s amazing what extreme paranoia added on to the literal fear of getting your face eaten does to you. When I finally got settled on the floor of the musty treasury chamber, I wasn’t sitting for two minutes before I fell out.

And because everything about that trip seemed destined to make me feel bad, I got woken up by getting kicked in the ribs by a very hard hoof. Apparently the servant that thought to play the joke of putting me there didn’t mention my presence to the incoming treasurer, and he was trying to get what he considered an unwelcome intruder out of his hair. Fucking stuck up bureaucrats, man.

Long story short, I extricated myself from the treasury at a dead run, followed by a string of curses that seemed odd to hear coming from a pony.

Apparently that servant pony also forgot to tell anyone else where I was. I wandered upon a search party combing the castle for me a bit later.

“When we couldn’t find you in any of the palace libraries, or any of the other locations with books, or any of the guest rooms, we really started to worry!” one of the servants said.

“Yeah… some jokester took my meaning of asking for a roomful of books as meaning a treasury record room.” A jokester I mean to hurt, if I can find again.

“Princess Celestia is waiting for you. Please, follow us.”

I did.

Princess Celestia was waiting in the same sitting room. “Thank goodness you found him! Go tell the rest of the search parties that they can return to their normal duties.” When they had bowed and exited, she looked at me. “Sit, Nav. We… need to talk.” Oh, shit. I walked over to the chair closest to her couch and sat, not feeling overly comfortable at all.

“Look, if this is about—” I started, before being cut off.

“No, we’re going to talk about my sister, first. What happened last night? What did you say to her and what did she say to you?”

“She accidentally admitted to enchanting the monster to attack me, I think.”

“I already know that much. What else?”

Oh God, this really is bad. “…We were talking about my conversation with you. I didn’t know if she was trying to pry me for details about what I told you or if she was just making conversation.” Something clicked, then. “Wait, what do you mean you knew?”

“In a minute. What else did you talk about?”

“We were just… joking around. What’s this about?” I asked, slowly growing very worried.

She sighed, rubbing gently at her face for a second before saying, “Luna is a little beyond having a crush on you. To that end, she spent the entire festival trying to impress you. Apparently, if she failed to entice you on the ferris wheel, her plan was to summon the beast she had enchanted beforehand to attack you, then save you from it and hope you were grateful enough to give her a chance. She didn’t think you would be in any danger, since she could just remove it whenever she needed to. Then she failed to protect you. Apparently when you were speaking last night, you said something that made her think you knew, which terrified her. And then, in some kind of jealous fit, she tried to assassinate Rainbow Dash. The moonlight butterfly is a kind of night creature that only Luna or the most powerful of magic users can control. I suspect the guard you saw last night was positioned to make sure Rainbow Dash didn’t make it. After he disappeared, he reported to Luna that the attempt had failed, and that instead of targeting Rainbow Dash, it had almost targeted you. She was rather distraught and immediately saw herself to my chambers, where she confessed all of this to me. She’s sitting in my quarters still, crying her eyes out. This puts us all in a very… awkward position.”

She was silent for a few minutes, letting that sink in. It was… a lot to take. And it sounded like a fucking drama flick. Unrequited love, a botched murder attempt that almost took out the love interest, a young, naïve princess falling in love with a common monster… I looked up at Celestia. “What the fuck is wrong with this place?”

“I wish I could tell you. Now, I need to know some things. First, do you know why she might be jealous of Rainbow Dash?”

I nodded slowly, putting some pieces together in my mind. “I have a… suspicion,” I said, leaning back and cursing my fucking wings. “For one, Rainbow Dash is the one that ruined Luna’s attempt to save me. Which means, of course, she was trying to save me as well. To Luna, that might mean competition. And when I first met Luna, I had been doing an experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack. I may have mentioned that I learned a few interesting secrets about Rainbow Dash, but I didn’t expound upon what they were. It’s so long ago that I don’t really remember anymore. Luna may have just been trying to eliminate a rival to what she conceived as her position on my list of people that I ‘love.’” Come to think of it, though, Big Macintosh said she didn’t want a stallion. He didn’t say specifically that she wanted a mare instead… It was possible, but very, very unlikely, that Rainbow Dash also loved me. I don’t believe it, but the way this day is going, who knows?

“That fits with what she told me, sadly. And you said you don’t care for her that way?”

“I do not love her. I saw her as a friend. She’s a horse! What the hell is wrong with this place?”

She smiled at that. “I don’t know if I should feel insulted by that or not. But it still leaves us with a problem.”

“I know… I’m worried, Celestia. If we don’t handle this well, I’m fucked. A princess with unrequited love? That can end in a few ways: the lover gets over it, the lover obsesses in silence until they die, the lover obsesses aloud or in poetry, or the lover kidnaps the love interest and holds them captive until Stockholm syndrome takes over and they’re loved back.” That doesn’t happen often. But then, it isn’t often that a princess with magic falls in love with someone without magic. “If this doesn’t end right, we might all think this is blown over, and then one day I disappear and can never be found again.”

“Relax, Nav. That won’t happen, one way or another. I’ll imprison her until you die of old age before I let her kidnap somepony and force them to love her against their will.” I was somewhat relieved at that, but also saddened at the thought that it might come to that. “Now,” she continued, “I want your opinion. How do you think this should be handled?”

I thought. “Who all knows that Luna tried to murder Rainbow Dash?”

“Me, you, Luna, and the guard.”

“How trustworthy is the guard?”

“Third generation. He’ll do whatever he’s told without question.”

“There are a few problems in saying we just pretend this whole thing never happened. It will give Luna hope that I return her feelings. And if we do pretend it never happened, it’ll make this kind of behavior seem okay. I don’t envy the stallion she’ll eventually properly fall in love with if he doesn’t return her feelings. How can we show her that attempted murder is not okay while at the same time making sure as few people know about this as possible, and make sure she knows that I don’t love her without either pissing her off enough to kidnap me or grieving too terribly?”

“I want to see what you can come up with. I have a solution in mind, but it is you who was targeted, so it’s only fair that you be allowed input. But imprisonment is an option, yes.”

“Not a very good one. The people would never accept her back if they found out why she was being imprisoned and you just know someone would be asking the question. Dodging the question or lying would backfire, as I’m sure there are only so many crimes a royal princess could do that would warrant exile. I would prefer this ending with all parties reasonably pleased with what they get.”

“What if Luna was willing to become a human?” she asked, perhaps spurring me in a certain direction.

A direction that stumped me for a moment. “I have a few problems with that. Wouldn’t that bring a lot of awkwardness on the royal family?”

“Yes. But I’m willing to deal with awkwardness in order to make you both happy.”

Hmm. “Is the transformation permanent?”

“It could be reversed. Apparently she’s tested it a few times. She was going to surprise you with it last night, before she fled.”

That sounded ominous, in a few ways. “I find myself objecting to the idea of love stemming only from appearances. I think that, if I was a person someone deserved in terms of love, I would accept them for who they are, and not have to force them to adapt to my standards. Why is this any different?”

“To be honest, that’s exactly the answer I expected from you, and philosophically I’m pleased to hear it. However, in terms of the situation, this puts us in a bad spot. Do you have any other suggestions?”

This is a bad, bad idea… “You could kill me.”

The pervading silence was very awkward, to say the least. “And what,” she finally asked, “would that solve?”

“You wouldn’t do the killing yourself, mind. The guard that knows Luna ordered the attack would be best, so she would hate him for it instead of you. I can’t believe I’m actually suggesting this… Think about it: with me dead, there are now three people that know about this, and none of the three of them will ever make any mention of it. The guard will very likely end up dead soon after, or find himself reassigned. Sucks for him, boohoo, that’s what he gets for not abiding by the Nuremberg Principles. Luna will grieve but she’ll get over it eventually. Her anger at Rainbow Dash will end, since there’s no reason for her to be a threat anymore.”

“That still leaves her going unpunished for the crime of attempted murder and we’ll have a murderous guard on the staff.”

“Have the guard put to death, then. If he follows two orders to murder, he’s not safe to have around. And if you put the guard to death for murder, Luna will never suspect you of having ordered my death. Console her in her grief and tell her that you think she’s been punished enough. She’ll buy it, because you’re a merciful leader and a good sister.”

“That’s a perfect solution, but for one issue: I’m not going to order somepony murdered.”

I’m hardly a pony, but… I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I had been holding. “I’m not going to say I’m disappointed.”

“I would be worried if you were,” she said drily. “Now, any other ideas?”

“I can think of one more thing to try, but it’s hardly perfect. How often does Luna leave the castle?”

“Every now and then to see you, but otherwise, she’s usually here.”

“Forbid her from leaving at all, aside from a few state functions that it would be noticed if she wasn’t there. Attempted murder where I come from has a sentence of, like, five years or something. There’s a chance that, at the end of that sentence, she’ll have forgotten her love for me. But there’s also just as much of a possibility that she’ll come out of it with me foremost in her mind. God, there’s just no good way to do this!” We thought for a while until I gave up with a sigh. “Princess, if you honest-to-God truly believe the best solution would be me admitting love to Luna, I can lie. I don’t like the idea of it and you don’t like the idea of it. But… what else can we do?”

“...Hm. Does the number seven have any meaning to you?”

“...What?”

“Any symbolic meaning at all?”

“...Yes? Why?”

“I have an idea, a mix between my original one and yours. Luna is confined to the city of Canterlot for a full seven years, unless there’s an extremely important reason for her to be elsewhere. And in the first year, she is forbidden to see you unless not doing so is impossible. I’ll need a promise from you, however.”

“Name it,” I sighed, dreading what it might be.

“That if you don’t find somepony else and she doesn’t lose interest, you’ll give a relationship with her a chance.”

“That… works well enough for me. I don’t like promising myself away like that, but it’s sadly the best choice. I will miss spending time with her, but I’d prefer not getting attacked by any more freaky monsters. As long as she abides by it, I’m willing to accept that.”

“Excellent. I shall tell her the news immediately, then get her to her room. And I’ll have somepony escort you back to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. I will give the three of you a nice breakfast, then send you back to Ponyville. I’m sure you’re feeling tired, after your night and this news.”

“Yeah…” I wasn’t really feeling hungry, either, but I’d at least try to humor her.

She let out a slow breath before nodding. “I haven’t had to do this much damage control since Luna tried to rebel the last time.”

“This is my first time dealing with something like this. Hopefully it’ll be my last. I hate dealing in politics. It’s usually easy, since people are so stupid, but sometimes shit like this comes up and just blows up in everyone’s face.”

“Hm. Wait here for a moment.” She walked over to the door, opened it, and stuck her head out. I could hear her saying something to someone outside, but I had no idea what was said. Then she came back in and flopped back onto the couch. “Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash will be sent to my private dining room. You’ll join them in a few minutes. But I would like to take a moment to… unwind. So tell me, do you think Rainbow Dash actually has feelings for you?”

Ugh. “While I was surprised to hear that Luna loved me, I would be absolutely and one hundred percent shocked if Rainbow Dash did. I think I know who she’s interested in, and it’s not me.”

“Gossip seems like a good way to unwind. Do tell!” I was committed, now, and revealed what Applejack and I discovered back at the farm. In case Rainbow Dash somehow gets her hooves on this, I’ll leave my suspicions unprinted. She’ll already defame my name enough if she reads what we really did to her at the barn, but I don’t need her digging my body up and abusing it on top of everything else.

“And she doesn’t even suspect?” Celestia asked, smiling. “I never would have guessed… Anything else?”

“Spike likes Rarity. I’m pretty sure she knows and is just using him for free labor. Fluttershy would like to be a tree. Pinkie Pie is probably manic depressive. Nothing really that juicy or interesting. I don’t gossip much with them.”

“Oh, come now. You’ve lived with Twilight for almost a year now. You have nothing to show for that?”

“Alright, but don’t ever tell her I said this…” I’ll also leave this unprinted, because I don’t trust Twilight’s magic to not find a way to revive me and then kill me again, in a more painful manner. And if I’m not dead, well, fuck me. I hope whoever is reading this doesn’t like the idea of blackmail.

When I finished, Celestia was quiet for a minute. I honestly thought I went too far for a second, until she just burst out laughing. “No way! Just no way! Are you sure?”

“As sure as I can be without actually asking her, yes. And there is no way in hell I will be doing that. And you won’t, either, because she’ll wonder how you found out. And then when you don’t tell her and she finds out that we were talking alone for several hours, she’ll put two and two together. If she ends up beating me for that, I’ll find a way to get back at you, princess or not.”

“I believe it, and I can understand why! I never thought… Wow! And you never once thought to move?”

“And where else am I going to go? Fluttershy lives in a small cottage full of animals. Rainbow Dash lives in a mansion in the sky. Pinkie Pie and Rarity, hell no. Applejack, maybe, but I always hated working at the farm. And before, when living here with you and Luna might have been an option, it would have separated me from the only other people I ever knew here. That isn’t even an option anymore, though, so yeah.”

“Well, it could be an option. You always have the option of canceling this little deal and giving Luna a chance now.”

“Ugh. It’s a damn shame it even came to this. I honestly didn’t think… I’m still used to human women, you see. My culture… everyone there grows so desensitized to stuff like I was saying to her, the little flirty remarks. I never once imagined it would turn into… this.”

“I understand, Navarone, and I don’t blame you. Really, I should have noticed some of the warning signs. She started acting strange not long after she met you, and left more and more of her royal duties undone in order to visit you.”

“I just… I don’t really even understand why she fell for me. I mean, I’m at least a thousand years younger than she is.”

“The only things near our age are dragons, Nav,” she said. “And the heart is not picky in whom it picks.”

“But I’ll die in about seventy years anyway, if I even last that long! She’ll just keep on trucking, living who knows how much longer.”

“Not necessarily. There are… ways of extending life.” Now that got my attention. “As with anything of its nature, though, it involves a sacrifice. One lifeline for another, basically. It’s old magic, dark and nearly forgotten. There are ways of abusing its stipulations, but there are always costs. I wouldn’t want anypony to lose their lives for it, though.”

Has she really never thought of this? “So we’ll use a fucking tree. Hell, those live forever and are easily replaced.”

“Luna and I have thought about it,” she slowly said, nodding. “But as I said, there are always costs and pitfalls. It is not as easy of a problem to solve as it seems. But in a pinch, such a solution would do.”

“Hell, I can’t imagine I would want to live forever anyway. Sure, you get to live forever. But at what cost? To see the eons pass, to see everyone I know wither and die, to watch civilizations grow and crumble, to watch trends disappear as fast as they appear, to one day lose myself to the passings of millennia and then finally, to have a massive memorial service for one of the deathless giants… To you, who has lived it, is it worth it?”

“For me, who had no choice in the matter, yes. I do watch my friends die, yes, and every time I look upon them it seems like they have changed, while I remain the same. But—and this is a very important but—I have the memories of all the happy times with them. I am old, Nav. Very, very old. I have seen all what you have said. I can’t lie; I miss my lost friends. But I don’t regret their passing and my living. For a long time after my sister betrayed me, I stayed completely aloof from everyone. I ruled in near silence, not trusting anypony around me. For almost a hundred and fifty years, I was like that. I look back, and of all my life, that is one of my biggest regrets. For me, who was forced into this life, it was worth it. For you, who have seen less than twenty summers and are just that mature, it might not be. And when you are spending that life in the company with somepony you don’t love, it would be unbearable.”

“I don’t dislike Luna. I just… don’t love her. I have at least seven years to decide. I will… think on it. And I will mention it to no one.” Of course, anyone reading my journal would find out about it. So it’s a good thing no one is reading this. Right? RIGHT?

…Unless I’m still alive and am just lying about this conversation to find out who’s reading my journals. You assholes.

We shared a small silence for a few seconds before I asked, “What should I tell Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy?”

“This little visit the three of you made wasn’t supposed to take long anyway. I’ll just tell them that Luna felt unwell and was weary this morning, so she couldn’t join us for breakfast. I will be slightly late to arrive at the dining room, so tell them I went to make sure she was feeling better.”

“Easy enough. Should I go ahead and go now?”

“Indeed. Let’s go and I’ll find somepony to escort you.”

I followed her out and then followed the servant she set to guide me, all in silence. My mind was too busy running laps, trying to process all that just happened, all that was just said. God, why me, of all people?

“Why did Princess Celestia want you?” Rainbow Dash asked when I walked into the dining room alone. “You two sure have been talking a lot.”

“She… likes talking about my home,” I said, the lie coming easily enough to my lips. “And to tell me that we’ll be leaving soon. Luna apparently ain’t feeling too hot, so Celestia’s gonna be late to breakfast to make sure she’s feeling alright."

“Oh, I hope she is,” Fluttershy said. “Is there anything we can do for her before we leave?”

“Nope. Celestia’s taking care of it. She should be here soonish and you can ask her about it then.”

Speak of the devil and he shall appear… Celestia walked in moments later, smiling. “My apologies for being a few minutes late,” she said. “I just needed to check up on my sister.”

“Oh, it’s alright,” Fluttershy said with her typical smile. “Is she feeling alright?”

“Much better, yes,” Celestia said. “Sit, all of you, and let’s eat. I wouldn’t want you to return to Ponyville on empty stomachs!”

I could barely pay attention to what was said after that, my mind too consumed by what it had dealt with. The normally pleasant fare provided by the servants tasted little better than typical tasteless Southern food.

Even the chariot trip home, which would normally be cause for concern even with my wings, earned little more than the tightening of my fingers on the rails. I don’t know if Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash noticed, but I was very much out of it.

The first thing I did when I got back was collecting a large amount of dead wood from the forest and starting a bonfire. I don’t know why, I just wanted to burn something.

I found myself humming a song from a game I once played… I don’t want to set the world on fire. Not the most fitting song, for at the moment I wanted to burn everything I could see, but I suppose the romance aspect of it worked well enough.

The wood I found was mostly dry, so it caught easily. I made sure to pack it in well enough that it would burn late into the night.

I won’t lie, I am tempted to leave the rest of that night out. No real reason for it, but it just seems… like something I wouldn’t need to write down to have to remember.

All of Twilight’s cadre, including the mare herself, eventually joined us at the fire. Few of them had seen one so large.

Pinkie Pie was the first, of course. “Hey Navi, what’s the occasion?” Pinkie Pie asked me, her voice cutting through the solemnity of the moment I was feeling.

“Nothing in particular,” I answered. “I just… wanted to see something burn.”

“Are you sure? You didn’t even bring any marshmallows! How can you have a bonfire without marshmallows?” she remonstrated me. “And you didn’t invite anypony, either! What kind of party is this?”

“It isn’t a party. Feel free to invite anyone that wants to join me, though. And feel free to bring marshmallows if you want. I did not wish to spend the night with company, but alas, here you are.”

“I’ll go tell everypony, then!” she shouted with as much joy in her heart as I felt leave mine. Maybe she just devours the joy of those around her, leaving them an empty husk. Before I could ask her about it, though, she zoomed off.

Rarity was, of course, the first to arrive. Just my luck. “So, Navarone, what’s the occasion? Pinkie Pie just told me there was a party happening here. But… you don’t look overly happy, for the host of a party.”

“Pinkie Pie, as ever, has the tendency to exaggerate. What I said is that I was burning for the sake of burning, and that she could invite anyone she wanted to. She’s the party planner. Me? I just wanted to burn something. Feel free to stay; I find it’s very therapeutic to just watch the flames.”

She shrugged and sat across the fire from me, likely assuming that when the rest got there the actual party would start. Soon, she was just as engrossed in the flames as I was.

The next to arrive was Fluttershy. “Oh, hello Navarone! I didn’t know Pinkie Pie got to you already. I was just walking back home when she ran into me and told me to come here.”

“She didn’t have to go far to find me,” I answered. “I set the fire, after all.”

“Oh, I thought this was another of Pinkie Pie’s plans to welcome us back. Still, it’s nice to get together with friends… Oh, hi Rarity! I didn’t see you over there!”

Rarity muttered something, a greeting perhaps, somewhat absorbed by the gentle flickering of the flames.

“Rarity?” I said a bit louder, getting her attention.

“What? Oh, hello Fluttershy! I was just… watching the fire. I have to give it to him, Navarone knows what he’s talking about when it comes to that. It is… enchanting, in a way.”

Fluttershy joined our impromptu circle around the fire.

We were all getting into it again when Applejack arrived in a mad dash. “I got here as soon as I could! What are y’all just sitting around for? We gotta put this thing out!”

“Nope,” I answered, shaking my head. “I made this and I’ll wait for it to die. But we’re not killing it. It’s harmless.”

“Pinkie Pie said there was a fire. I didn’t know it was just a silly bonfire! That girl done scared me for nothing!”

“You know how she is. She didn’t mean any harm by it, I’m sure,” I said. “Feel free to join the circle.” I waved my arm to show I didn’t care where. That’s when she noticed the others.

Applejack shrugged and sat next to Fluttershy, trying to chat with the others. I just went back to watching the fire licking at the wood.

Rainbow Dash was the next to show up. Her arrival was… less than spectacular, crashing in the growing darkness nearby. Applejack went to make sure she was okay, and they both got to our circle laughing about something. Dash serious’d herself up when she saw me. “Navarone, your fire is screwing with the winds up there! I can hardly control myself!”

I answered, “Thermals are a bitch. Welcome to the… party, if you’re listening to Pinkie Pie.”

“And if you’re not listening to Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked, coming out of the darkness with Spike in tow.

“Then it’s just a fire,” I said, noting the marshmallow pack in Spike’s hands. Wonder what he does to those in his spare time, with as close as they are to Rarity. “You know,” I said to him, “this fire might have been easier to set if you had been around.” And it might have ended up with a log atop Celestia’s head, I thought with a smile.

“Then you should have invited me sooner,” he said as he and Twilight joined the circle.

I just shrugged, turning my gaze back into the flames.

Applejack and Rarity were handing out sticks for the marshmallows when Pinkie Pie came skipping back. I found myself softly singing, but forced myself to stop. At least one of the ponies noticed, but didn’t say anything.

Everyone looked to Pinkie Pie to start the… festivities, I guess, but she surprised them all when she turned to me and said, “So, Navarone, what did you have planned?”

“It’s your show now,” I said. “Don’t try to pin this on me. I set the fire. You made a party out of it.”

She gave me an exasperated look that said, You should know better by now. I would have brought up ‘never have I ever,’ but it wouldn’t exactly be fair, as none of them but Spike had any fingers and we didn’t have any alcohol.

Pinkie Pie tried for a little bit longer to get the group into something, but my mood seemed to have spread about. Aside from Pinkie Pie’s indignant mutterings, silence reigned.

I… can’t put into words how it made me feel, seeing them all there. They came because Pinkie Pie invited them but they stayed just for the pleasure of each other’s company. And I was a part of them, now, even if I pretended otherwise. I had been on a roller coaster ride of decisions with life-altering consequences, right after almost dying, but I was finally among true friends.

Silence reigned in our little group, aside from the gentle popping of the fire, and one by one, the ponies fell asleep next to each other. Spike was out first, of course. Pinkie Pie, despite her fervent aspirations to stay up to ‘see what the big deal with the fire was’, was the next out. Fluttershy, still tired from the exhaustions of the trip, soon joined them in sleep. Rainbow Dash and Applejack didn’t last much longer, both nodding off at almost the same time. Rarity, despite trying the hardest to stay awake, was the next to fall; she didn’t want to ‘ruin her hair’ sleeping on the ground, but you can only fight for so long.

Soon enough, it was just me and Twilight left fighting back our demons.

“So, Navarone, what’s the real reason behind this?” she whispered to me.

“It is… a balefire,” I whispered to her.

“Who died?”

“Not who, but what,” I sighed. My loneliness, maybe? My attempts to distance myself from you? Or perhaps my hopes for the future, now that it seems I’m shackled to Luna. “I’m afraid that there are some things I must suffer alone.”

I could tell she formed a thousand suspicions about that, but didn’t voice any of them. “You know we’re always here for you,” is all she said before drifting off to sleep with the rest of them.

I spent the rest of the night in silence, just staring into the fire and thinking.

I was stolen from my half-asleep reverie some time after the sun had risen by a loud shriek, followed by some pitiful mewlings about ruined hair and bugs and dirt and various other inanities. Rarity, it appeared, had awoken, bringing the rest of the ponies with her. The mood I had cultivated in the night was shattered in an instant, the ponies ripped from the world I had created for them and thrown suddenly back into their own.

The poor fire was down to smoldering embers. A small flame gently licked up a few of the longer-lasting logs every now and then, but for the most part, a dull red gleam of coals was all that remained of the tempest of flame that had ruled the night before.

Rarity didn’t take long to calm down. Apparently she was just surprised at her odd sleeping location and woke up not realizing where she was or why she was there.

Pinkie Pie was asking Fluttershy what she missed when she slept, and if any of us ever ended up having fun. Fluttershy, for her part, didn’t know how to answer the fun part of the question. I couldn’t have helped her.

Applejack and Twilight were asking Rainbow Dash more about the trip to Canterlot, trying to figure out just why we even went. Rainbow Dash was exaggerating the story with the moth monster that she didn’t even see, making herself out to be the heroine that was saving me from the jaws—or, I guess, mandibles—of doom. The other two were looking at each other askance and trying not to laugh.

Spike and I just stared into the remnant of the blaze.

“Feel any better?” he asked me. I wonder if he even knows what that means.

“Immeasurably so,” I answered anyway. “This has been… an enlightening few days.”

“Was your talk with Princess Celestia really that bad?”

“Not just that, no. I looked death in the eyes more times in the last few days than I have in any given year of my life. And I have learned some interesting things in that time, about myself and about others. And I finally know, for sure, that I am no longer alone.”

“You never were,” Twilight said, approaching us. Rainbow Dash’s tale was over, and the ponies were breaking up and heading for their respective homes. “Let’s put this fire out and go home.”

It was good to finally be among friends, for better or for worse.

Chapter Thirteen—I didn’t go to school for this

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jJvsCjpTR5fweqey47Kbx-VfqobBBxK6IDxk4RrPggI/edit

Half a month after that little episode, I woke up on a train. The thing is, I didn’t go to bed on that train. In fact, I had no knowledge of boarding a train. Hell, I didn’t even have any knowledge of being asked if I wanted to go on a train ride. A quick look out the window told me I was most definitely no longer anywhere near Ponyville. I was still a human, at least, which I consider a plus. I also had a splitting headache, which kind of sucked.

I quickly looked around me to see if there was anything of use. The first thing I found was a metal flask, which I quickly took a sip out of, thinking it was water.

It was not. Some manner of alcohol greeted my lips. At least it made my head feel a little better. I pocketed it and tried to remember what had happened the night before.

The last thing I remembered was eating dinner with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, after one of our dancing lesson things which were now more about a few friends getting together than actual dancing. I remembered getting up to head home, and Pinkie Pie trying to convince us to stay a few more minutes for some contrived reason or another… I know I got outside, and after that was nothing.

As my eyes adjusted to the dim light of the cabin, I ascertained another shape in a bed across from mine. I rolled out of the bed and almost fell on my ass, but managed to slip my feet under me at the last moment. Twisted my wings up, though… I still forget about them, some mornings.

After getting my feet and stretching, I checked the shape. Yeah, that’s Fluttershy. I poked her to see if she was anywhere near awake. She groaned and shifted, muttering something that sounded like “Five more minutes.” I poked her a few more times until she sat up, bleary-eyed and confused.

“What the hell happened last night?” I asked.

“I… I don’t know. The last thing I remember was eating with Pinkie Pie!”

“Dammit, I hope I didn’t get kidnapped again… This shit has got to stop happening!”

“I’m sure it’s not as serious as ponynapping! Wait, have you been ponynapped before?”

“Long story. I can tell you after we figure out where we are and where we’re going. You good to walk?” Yeah, Fluttershy is never going to hear that story.

“I think I’m fine. My head hurts, though…” she said as she tenderly got to her feet.

We appeared to be in the middle cabin of a long train. I looked through the windows on both sides and saw more carts on each side. “Should we split up and search, stay together and search, or wait here and hope for the best?” I asked.

“I… I think we should stay together. You know how most ponies are when it comes to you, after all…” More like she didn’t want to be alone, but whatever. I know Fluttershy wasn’t particularly brave, and I didn’t hold that against her. She had a point, if nothing else.

“Fine, we’ll wait here. Wish I had some kind of weapon, though…” I flexed my hands, letting my eyes run over the cabin again. It wasn’t a very ornamented place, with relatively simple paneling and whatnot. I was thinking we were supposed to be sleeping the entire trip, but whatever caused the knockout didn’t work as planned. I found a few interesting items in a box above my bed: My crossbow, a quiver full of bolts, my knife, more alcohol, another long brown cloak full of pockets, and some snacks.

I checked the little inlet cabinet above Fluttershy’s bed and found yet another cloak and some more snacks. I just shrugged to Fluttershy and left the stuff on her bed for her.

As for me, I started suiting up, hiding stuff in the cloak pockets. I checked the crossbow for any damage, finding that the sights were a little bit off. I couldn’t correct them until I was able to shoot it, but it was good that I knew they were off. The bolts were fine, though the quiver I had wasn’t the one I would choose for any real dangerous situation: They were all practice bolts; enough to wound, but not kill unless you got a lucky shot.

Fluttershy was asking what I was doing when the cart door slid open. Before it was even finished opening I was looking for cover to load the crossbow. My search was halted by the train juddering heavily and slowing down, and before I could resume my hunt, it was invalidated: “Oh good, you’re both already awake!” Pinkie Pie said way too loudly and way too happily. Fluttershy and I both flinched at the twinges in our heads.

“I assume there’s a good reason we’re on a train,” I said. She opened her mouth, but I continued, “And before you start yelling at us again, we both have goddamn headaches. Keep your voice down.”

She rolled her eyes and continued, quieter this time, “I needed some help back on the family farm. But I didn’t want to unduly worry anypony, so I didn’t tell anypony. But I couldn’t just let my family suffer, so I had to get some help, but I didn’t know how without saying anything. Then I realized, you’re both my friends, and you wouldn’t mind helping me! But uh, I think this is a problem Navarone is more suited to fixing…”

“So why am I here?” Fluttershy asked.

“I didn’t know how to make a legitimate excuse to the others without including both of you, of course. So we’re officially on a dance trip! Applejack was the only one that didn’t completely buy it, so she made sure you would have something to help you just in case, Navarone.”

“So let me get this straight. You kidnapped us both, even though you knew we would say yes to helping you. You bundled us onto a train somehow. You got all my gear and a few cloaks, as well as some useful stuff from Applejack that I admit to being happy to have. None of our friends thought that was odd, except Applejack. You know we both have wings and can leave if we want, leaving you to deal with whatever it is by yourself. And yet you still expect us to willingly help you.”

“That about sums it up, yeah. You’re really good at recapping, Nav!”

I gently massaged my temples. “Fluttershy, am I the only one seeing anything wrong with this?”

She just shrugged at me and mouthed, “Pinkie Pie.” I rolled my eyes.

“What the fuck ever. Tell us what’s so important that you had to kidnap us for.”

“I think my family was abducted by naga.”

“Oh, fuuuck…” I moaned. “Why did I bother waking up?”

“I don’t understand,” Fluttershy said. “What’s a naga?”

“Of anyone, I expected you to know what a naga is,” I said. “They’re fucking snake/fish people. Intelligent, tool using snake people. Body and lungs of a snake, scales and gills of a fish. And they have human arms, I think. I didn’t know there were any here. And what the hell are they doing near a waterless rock farm?”

“There used to be a massive spring system near my family’s farm. It dried up before I was born, but the naga stayed there for some reason. We never asked why; they left us alone and we left them alone. Sometimes they would come by the farm to talk to my dad, but they never stayed long. But these past few months, I was getting letters from my family talking about them more than usual. Then the letters just stopped. That was a month ago…”

“So, how do you want to do this?” I asked. “Find their nest, fuck shit up, and pull off a full Rambo style rescue op? Or do you want to try to talk to these scalies first, see if they’re up for ransom? Or do you just want me to sneak in and steal them away into the night? Let me tell you, if you want me to kill them, you got me the wrong set of bolts.” As it turned out, the Rambo plan would have been a terrible idea.

“I want to get my family out with as little risk to them as possible. We’ll try asking the naga, first. If that doesn’t work, you can try sneaking them out. Thanks for agreeing to help!”

Oh yeah, it was looking to be a long, long day.

“Why am I the ambassador, again?” Fluttershy asked. “I don’t know anything about the naga!”

“Because you’re the animal expert. I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” I told her. “Besides, it can’t be me because I’m the trump card and it can’t be Pinkie Pie because she has to show me where to go to rescue you if everything goes wrong.” I don’t think that made her feel much better.

We were in the field right outside of Pinkie Pie’s farmhouse. We discovered her family was definitely missing, and had been for a little while. There were no bodies anywhere that I could find, so that wasn’t really an issue. I managed to sight my crossbow in, though I knew if I was going to be looking through caves I wouldn’t be using it. Hell, even the knife was to be relegated to emergency use only. If it came to that, I was going to be using a club.

Looking around the farmhouse, I could easily see why Pinkie Pie left the place. It was absolutely miserable. There was almost no sun, the earth was dry and cracking, there was constantly dust in the air, and it was hot even though we were nearing autumn. It looked like someone had plowed the earth in some places, but without a tractor that would have taken forever, as dry as the place was. Who the hell farms rocks? I mean, who buys them? When I asked, I just got that ‘stop being stupid’ look.

“So, how do we go about summoning these naga for a meeting?” I asked. “Do we just hope they come to us?”

“My dad taught me a trick, back when they were still friendly, in case I was ever far away from the farm and needed help. He said not to use it unless I really needed it, but that they would come if I wanted them. I never tried it, but here goes…” With that, she let out a clear, loud whistle that pierced my ears, and almost made me want to slit my own throat. After delivering it, she rushed me into the farmhouse, where we watched from the windows to see what they would do with a noticeably nervous Fluttershy.

Nothing happened for a good long while, and I started to think nothing would. Then an errant thought came to my mind… They were hiding in a spring system. Those go miles underground, in all directions. Oh, shit… “Pinkie Pie, is there a well anywhere near here?”

“Yeah, there’s one right behind this building. Why… Oh!”

We barely had time to hide before the naga got out of the well and into the building, trying to find what called them. They were oddly dressed in silky clothing, and each was bristling with some manner of weapon. One had two axes strapped to his back, one was holding a massive spear, one had a sword and a shield, one had a huge sword on his back, and one had spiked gloves.

I want to call them the ugliest creatures I have ever seen in my life, but I’m sure they would think something similar of me if they saw me. They were all rather massive, each taller than I by at least a foot, and all wider in body than I. Trying to fight them would have been a bad, bad idea, at least in a fair fight. They had relatively human-esque faces, with a barely defined snout jutting somewhat out of their faces. Their torso was human in appearance, with human-shaped arms. Where their legs would be, a long tail snaked out behind them. What I could see of them was covered in scales. I was assuming the entire group in front of me was male. One of them was snarling and had some disturbingly sharp teeth sticking out.

It didn’t take them long to look out a window and see Fluttershy. Thankfully, they somehow missed both me and Pinkie Pie. They chatted to themselves in guttural English, muttering at the indignity of being summoned in such a manner by a lone flier. They thought about just leaving her, but decided since they had come all that way to see what she wanted.

When Fluttershy turned around and saw a group of naga coming out of the farmhouse, her eyes got very wide and she almost fainted. Of anything she expected, that was definitely not on the list.

I wasn’t able to hear the conversation that took place, but this was the gist, as reported to us: Where are the farmers? With us, for their safety. Safety from what? We can’t tell you. Can we see them? Who is this… we?

Fluttershy is not a good liar. In fact, I would go so far as to label her perhaps the worst liar I have ever run into in my life. So it was no surprise to find myself and Pinkie Pie rather roughly nagahandled out of the farmhouse.

They didn’t know what to make of me. “What is this?” they asked of Pinkie Pie, who they did recognize.

“Name’s Navarone,” I answered for her. “I’m a mercenary.”

“What pony would hire a mercenary? And… what are you?”

“I’m a human. And a pony that wants to see her family again.”

“You don’t look very dangerous, for a mercenary. I hope she didn’t pay much for you.”

There were five of them and one of me. I didn’t feel like being a hero. So instead of challenging him, I just said, “Looks can be deceiving.”

“Tell me then, mercenary, are your services for hire?”

“I’m in the middle of a job now. It’s bad for business to take on a job before the other is completed.”

“A good code to live by. What if the payment of our job was what you needed to finish the other?”

“You’ll have to ask my employer about that. Depending on the job, I might agree, but it’s up to her whether I have the option.” I looked to Pinkie Pie.

“Uh… Okay?”

“What’s the job?” I asked them.

As it turned out, there were two groups of naga in the area: an older group that had been here for a long time and a new group that was trying to push the old out. The new group was rather violent in their methods, and the older group didn’t want Pinkie Pie’s family hurt. Their differences were vast, yada yada, go with this group of warriors and fuck their shit up.

We were allowed to see Pinkie Pie’s family before the group left, to prove the farmers were still there and being treated well. Personally, I didn’t care, and was busy preparing for the coming battle. So while Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were getting accolades from an exuberant farm family, I was getting ready for war. A war, mind, that I had no idea how to fight. Reading a lot of books and watching movies doesn’t really prepare you for seeing someone roll out a tarp of weapons.

I also saw my first naga female. Their tails were a hell of a lot longer and they actually had some manner of breasts, too, which they didn’t bother to cover up. They were mostly smaller than the males, but they were all still taller than I was, though a few of them matched my body size. I can’t be tougher than everything in this world, but it still feels sad that even their women could probably overpower me.

My part in the little plan they had was simple on paper, hard in practice. You see, the naga can’t exactly sneak around or be stealthy. They don’t have feet, so any movement rasped their tails against the ground. And they were pretty shiny anyway; any light hitting off them would reflect from their skin or clothing.

It was quite different for me, however. My predisposition for running the fuck away meant I was pretty good at hiding and sneaking around. So my job was to go in ahead of the main group and do as much damage as fast as I could, as well as deep six any officer I saw.

I was given a short sword and a much better quality knife for the job, something that probably qualified as a dagger. The knife I had from home was made for show, not for real use. Especially not for use against scales. The crossbow, I kept. Since the other group was relatively new to the area, they weren’t in a cave system yet—they were still above ground, so the crossbow might be useful when taking out sentries.

I tied some of my bolts with cloth, to light on fire if I needed to. The naga had plenty of flint to spare, and gave me a striker. I dipped the tips in the alcohol to ensure they’d burn easier and longer.

Now, I was under no illusions that I was or am a real fighter. I am not. I knew that if I went up against a real fighter, I would lose. The short sword was more for show than anything else. I have no practice with a sword, but I do know how to slit throats. I mean, how can you fuck that up? Blade goes across throat, right?

When the real fighting started, I was going to be sneaking around the battlefield and stabbing enemies in the back, then darting away again. And if all else failed, I would drop the cloak and fly away. None of these naga had bows, so I was assuming none of the other side did either. I didn’t want to give that advantage away unless I had a good reason, though; none of the naga on my side realized I had wings. They didn’t know what a human was, and probably just assumed the bulge under my cloak was normal.

When we got to the camp and I saw what it was, though, I smiled. There was a rough palisade around the thing, with only two entrances, and only a few guards posted at each. It was newly night at that point—we had left early so there would be enough heat on the ground to hopefully mask my arrival to the naga’s snake-like infrared vision.

The only guards that seemed to be alert at all were the guards on the entrances; there was no one paying attention in the camp proper. I snapped my fingers, seeing an easy solution. The soldiers looked at me, alarmed. I smiled and whispered, “When you see an easy way in, to not take it would be a sin!”

I dropped my cloak and unfurled my wings. The group behind me muttered to themselves, seeing them. One said a disparaging remark about fliers, but none said anything to my face.

I turned to the leader and said, “If you hear an alarm, come on in. Otherwise, wait for me to come back.”

“I am very interested in what you are capable of, human. Wings or not, this will be interesting. But if you sell us out, the yellow one’s life is forfeit.”

Oh, shit. “Don’t you worry about that,” I said, trying to hide any nervousness. “Betraying a uh… a contract is bad.” He just snorted in reply, so I grabbed a flask from my cloak and took off. My goal was an unsharpened part of the palisade wall, one of the structural posts. If I could get up there, I could snipe fire down on the camp.

When I got above the camp itself, I saw that there were maybe thirty tents and several more naga sleeping outside on the ground. Oh God, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I debated on landing in the sleeping field and slitting throats versus starting the fires. What kind of thoughts are these? Doing one meant I might not get to do the other, and while fire could spread, I could probably take more naga down by quietly cutting throats. Jesus Christ, this can’t be normal!

I decided to slit throats; my naga wanted these naga gone, and killing them off is a better way to go about that than burning stuff. Where did all this come from? Besides, in the chaos of the ensuing fight, fire would be easy enough to spread. Holy shit. And burning the tents would bring alarm up before I was ready for it.

So with those thoughts in mind, I silently unsheathed the knife I got from the naga and landed quietly in the large sleeping field. How did it come to this?

Now, while I have killed in the past, I have never killed a sapient being. Thou shalt not kill. When I landed next to the first naga in the field and looked down at him, I froze. You. Shall. Not. Kill. Such a simple thing, a knife. You. And such a fragile thing, a life. Shall. All it takes is one simple thrust, one jagged tear… Not. And it’s over. Kill.

Part of me died that night, ripped away with the last gasp of that dying soldier. It was a dark night, a new moon, but there was light enough for me to see his expression as I slit his throat, stealing him away.

It was an expression that I knew would haunt me forever.

I can attempt to justify it all I want. Yes, I was helping Pinkie Pie. Yes, the naga I was killing supposedly deserved it. But these were sapient creatures. They could talk. They knew right from wrong. They could think.

They could die.

And die they did. My body went on autopilot while my mind went numb. My hands and legs knew what to do, even if my mind was reeling from the horror of it all.

Thirteen died by my dagger that night. Thirteen blood red marks against my soul. Thirteen that soon found themselves in good company, greeting more and more stains on my soul.

Before I could find number fourteen, I was caught. A bloodthirsty roar from across the camp caught my attention and made sure to wake up the warriors around me.

I immediately leapt into the air, flying as high as I could get as quickly as I could go. In seconds, that place would be a killing ground for anyone that wasn’t on their side. I managed to get to my planned spot on the palisade wall and was able to load my crossbow before the guards from the entrance discovered my grim mess and woke up the entire camp.

Bleary-eyed soldiers weakly gripped heavy weapons as they hunted the camp for any signs of an intruder or a traitor. None thought to look up, as what enemy did they have that could fly? Women and… and children started to come out of the tents, but by the time I saw them, I couldn’t have stopped the first fiery bolt that was loosed into the mass of tents.

I felt tears on my face as I heard the screams. And it was as I predicted: The flames spread far and fast in the confusion. They were already licking the sides of the walls in some areas as my group of naga warriors reached the enclave. The enemies were too busy trying to put out flames, trying to save their families, or trying to find lost friends to try to fight.

I managed to hold onto myself long enough to shoot one of the few warriors putting up a fight, just as he was about to drive a spike into one of our warrior’s brains. I did what I could from my perch, not daring the fiery air currents under my relatively inexperienced wings. My naga didn’t stay long anyway. There was little they needed to do and the fire was making it increasingly dangerous for anyone to stay behind.

They pulled out as suddenly as they had entered, leaving a stunned group of survivors behind with nowhere to go and nothing to do but help pick up the pieces or try to escape. I saw parts of the two gates start to collapse, trapping most of the survivors inside. I dove down to where I had left the group, grabbed my cloak, and waited, cleaning myself up as best as I could. My mind was still numb and reeling, horrified by what my body had done.

It didn’t take long for the boisterous group to return. The naga were ecstatic in their victory, though they had apparently been hoping for the chance to loot. “But,” the leader assured me, “I’d rather return home with all my warriors alive than with half dead and only plunder to show for it.”

I smiled weakly at him, before asked him a favor: “Don’t tell the ponies my part in this. I might need work with them again and they don’t deal with cold murderers.” God, I couldn’t take the judgment or the pity in their eyes if they knew.

He agreed, but said a feast would be held one way or another in honor of the victory. I was really, really looking forward to that, if nothing else. These naga were part snake. Snakes eat meat. A part of me was hoping to see just how they would prepare it.

On the way back, I treated wounds as best I could. Most were minor burns, but there were a few cuts I was able to sterilize with alcohol and bind together. I wasn’t a medic, but I could tie a knot. Of course, I didn’t know how to suture at all and there was no way I could do it on the move, but none of them were that bad off anyway. I offered the worst of the injured a drink for the pain, but after a whiff of the contents they changed their minds.

“What is that stuff?” one of them asked me.

“Poison,” I answered, then took a nice swig of it. They laughed, not sure if they should take me seriously, but suspiciously rubbed at their wounds when they thought I couldn’t see.

I was doing anything to keep my mind off the scenes in the camp. My soul was stained red with blood and black with fire. A few swigs of the alcohol was enough to deaden the pain even further, helping the shock dull the horror.

But the rest of that night was spent in celebration. Their women loved me, when I brought all their men home safe. Their children loved me when they heard of the cutting figure I made to the warriors who had seen me on the palisade, wings outstretched for balance, fire drawing a pulsing orange glow to my features, crossbow to my shoulder, sniping down into the dying camp as I killed indiscriminately—not a description I gave them, of course. Their men were impressed by my solo journey into their camp, and my kill count was exaggerated by every retelling of the tale as it loudly made its way around the caves.

None seemed to see the horror etched onto my face. Maybe it was because of the facial differences. I told myself that was it so I didn’t have to believe they just didn’t care.

The family of the warrior I had personally saved from getting spiked invited me to be their guest after the feast, and after a hesitant look at the innocent warmth of Pinkie Pie’s family, I quietly agreed.

When the ponies asked me what had happened at the camp, I just said, “I did what I was paid to do. You’re free to go home. Just… just don’t visit the camp. Ever.”

One look at my face told them not to question me. When I left for the feast, they stayed behind; they didn’t think the naga would have food that would be fitting to their tastes. I told them where I would be afterwards, if they needed me.

The feast was alright. Knowing the ponies weren’t there, the naga had no compunctions about giving credit where it was due. I was rather highly acclaimed. Personally, I’m not much a fan of all that, but whatever. And—mercy of all mercies—they actually had cooked meat! I don’t know what animal it was from and I didn’t care; it tasted like sex in my mouth. Just… without the disturbing mental image that portrayed.

In an effort to explain my ravenous devouring, I explained, “I’ve been living among the ponies for too long.” Most of them knew plenty about ponies for that to be explanation enough. Sure, I could hunt all I wanted, but I’m no chef. The stuff they had cooked was amazing.

I was asked a load of questions, such as where I came from, what kind of jobs I worked in the past, my future plans, and a few disturbing questions about ponies by some of the creepier males that I don’t feel like repeating. I answered them all mostly truthfully, though: I came from another world and had been summoned to protect a unicorn for a while, and since I was stuck here I was going to return back to pony-held land and try to find more work, and the creepier questions I was able to answer better than I wish I could have. It was mostly truthful.

“You are always welcome here, Navarone, if your plans in Equestria fall through. It has been a long time since we beheld a warrior of your nature!” the leader told me.

“I am not as much of a warrior as I am an assassin,” I replied. “In a straight up fight, I fear I would be of little use. But I have no compunctions about fighting unfairly and using tricks to win.”

“Dirty fighting is an art unto itself,” he agreed. “And even assassins have a home on the battlefield,” said with a nod to the fellow I saved.

The feast ended with requests of tales of warriors from my homeland. I spun a few from books I had read, Arthurian legends and the like; they wouldn’t know about guns and explaining wouldn’t be worth the effort. And hell, it’s not like I had any stories of my own to tell.

So it was with a full belly and a heavy mind that I walked with the fellow I saved to his abode. I was half-heartedly joking with him about something or another, and my forced laughter and his unfeigned laughter rang through the caves. None of these naga seemed to have any names, I had noticed, or if they did, they didn’t tell strangers.

None of us waited long to hit the sack. Thankfully, I still had my cloak, since the naga didn’t seem to believe in silly things such as mattresses or pillows.

I didn’t get to sleep long, though; when I said their women loved me, I didn’t realize at the time how much they did.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip it)

I wasn’t asleep long before I felt a gentle tugging on my legs. I groggily opened my eyes to see if I could tell what was doing it, automatically propping myself up.

What I saw was somewhat disquieting: A naga was trying to pull my pants off. I sat up as fast as I could and tried to push myself away on my hands and legs. “What are you doing?” I demanded, barely able to see her bemused look in the dim cave.

“My apologies for being late, guest. But there was a bit of a… debate… as to who would keep you company this night.” She smiled, showing very many disturbingly sharp teeth, and finished with, “I won.”

Dreading the answer, but knowing it needed to be put out there, I asked, “And what manner of company are you? I’ll admit, it’s a little bit cold in these caves.”

“I’m here to warm you up, of course…” I felt her tail start to wrap itself around my waist. With a bit of a vicious tug, she ripped my pants off, belt and all.

I tried reasoning, “If you’re here to keep me warm, removing clothes is hardly productive.”

She didn’t say anything, and continued wrapping her tail about my body. I didn’t realize how long the damn things were until now: My legs were buried under her tail, and there was still plenty of slack.

She used her hold on me to drag me closer to her, and before I could react, pushed me to the floor. I flinched at the expected crushing weight on my wings, but I discovered she used a bit of her tail slack to create a small buffer between me and the floor, allowing me to actually lie on my back.

“I find it somewhat hard to believe that this is common practice for the naga,” I said. From what I had seen, their males were very dominant.

“You aren’t a naga. And you are rather small, easily toyed with. I figured you wouldn’t mind too much, given that you are so used to taking orders from females anyway.” I assumed she meant my dealings with Pinkie Pie. She continued, “And this is a good chance to display my more… dominant side.”

At this point, I was almost completely immobile. I could twist my head around and barely shift my wings, but my legs and arms were locked. I really, really hate being bound, but I was pretty sure I wasn’t going anywhere until she got what she wanted.

She took my head in her hands and forced my gaze downward. Her tail parted slightly, allowing my shaft to poke through. I wasn’t very hard at all, since this situation was more scary to me at the time than anything else. “Now, now, human. We can’t do anything with you in that shape, can we?” she mocked. The tip of her tail slithered up to my tip and began gently teasing me.

It didn’t take me that long to start getting hard. I’m not exactly sexually active, after all. When I started expanding, she started stroking me gently, before she wrapped her tail around it and guided the head to the lips of her pussy.

I didn’t notice it at the time, since I was a bit more preoccupied by her gentle ministrations of my shaft, but a little slit had opened in her tail, right under her stomach. It was very moist, practically dripping with anticipation.

“You’re really getting off to this,” I idly commented, still in some manner of shock, before she pushed me in and shut me right up. She felt nothing at all like a hand, that’s for damn sure. When she hilted me, I felt a deep chill in her, cold enough to get me to struggle to pull myself out.

She saw that struggle and misinterpreted it. “I don’t think I’m the only one,” she whispered, referring to my comment. “Already trying to buck. But I think you’ll find I am in control here.” With that, she thankfully started moving her… hips? Whatever it is she had, she started moving it, building a nice rhythm against my entire cock. Since she was so wet there wasn’t much friction to build up heat, but the pleasure quickly outweighed the cold. She also noticed the heat difference, and said with a moan, “So warm!”

I never knew scales could be so soft… She pulled my face up and tried to smother me in her chest. I wasn’t going to complain; the large orbs of scaly flesh felt deceptively nice.

Unfortunately, I was getting close and I knew it; as I said, I’m not exactly sexually active. I pried my head away from her chest and said, “I’m pretty close, naga.”

She was not happy to hear that. “Close already?” she hissed, slowing down. “What are you, a virgin?”

“...Yes?” Not counting the rape. “Ponies are hideous. I can’t stand the thought of having sex with one.”

She snorted with derision, but pulled her body off me, freeing my member from her cold insides. “I can think of other ways you can pleasure me, guest.”

I opened my mouth to mention something along the lines of her being sent here to pleasure the guest, not the other way around, but as soon as my mouth opened I found myself mouth-to-slit on her. I knew what she wanted, but I know I didn’t want to give it.

“You have a choice here, human,” she said, noticing my reluctance. “You can either give me what I want, or I leave and you can give the other twenty single females up here what they want.”

Why can’t I just find a normal—relatively normal, given where I live—girl that just wants normal sex? Not rape, not tying me up, not using magic to force me into something, just sex. Perhaps this is my punishment for murdering so many? Turned into a toy to atone...

I gently eased my tongue to her slit and tried to slowly push it inside. As soon as she saw my tongue moving, though, she grabbed my head and pushed me into her. Even though I knew I couldn’t overpower her, I was really wishing I could have my hands back; at least I could have tried to resist, instead of just being forced to take it.

Fuck it, this is going to happen, no matter how much I fight it. I started going at it with a lot more passion at that point—I couldn’t stop it, but maybe I could speed it up. She didn’t seem to have a clit that I could find, so I just worked my way inside of her, through the cold, trying to find any warmth at all. I heard a few moans start escaping her lips, and knew that at least she wouldn’t be too pissed at me.

When she finally let my head go so I could come up for air, I found what I had been looking for: Her pokey little clit. With a vicious smile and the hope that it would soon be over, I tweaked it with my tongue. It was a lot warmer than her insides had been, though that might have something to do with the fact that my head had just been occupying that space.

With my assault on her clit came the true moans of pleasure from her. As my efforts continued, I heard her say, “I was beginning to have my doubts about you, human! Now I know why those little ponies keep you around…” Apparently she doesn’t listen well. Or maybe she just doesn’t pay attention.

Her hands found my head again, just in time for a small rush of liquid shooting out of her pussy. As her tail contracted, squeezing me all over, she forced my face back in to catch the brunt of the liquids that seeped from her. Thankfully, it was relatively sweet, despite her diet. Seeing no other choice, I lapped it in as best as I could.

When she was relatively clean of her fluids, she pulled my face away from her again. I could barely feel my tongue at that point. “Aren’t you glad you decided to cooperate, human?” she asked with what she probably thought was a sweet tone. It sounded about as guttural as anything else these naga said, to my ears.

Still, I knew I had to give some manner of answer, so I gave her a weak smile I was hoping she would be able to see, my face still dripping with naga juices.

“Now, how about we give you some of what you want?” she said with a little smile. What I wanted was to go find the ponies and sleep with them in their warm, safe, non-rapist filled room. Well, mostly non-rapist; Pinkie has gotten better. This naga was not a mind reader.

I saw her tail open a bit more, letting my manhood loose again. She quickly positioned herself back over it and lowered herself back down. My warm shaft was suddenly plagued with the cold again. It was not a pleasant feeling, but it started getting better when she began moving.

It didn’t take me long to reach my peak again, and this time I didn’t give her a warning; I couldn’t have if I had wanted to, the way she was holding me against her chest again. I heard and felt her gasp when I shot my load inside her. “So warm…” she whispered, her voice fluttering slightly. I felt her tail shudder all along my body in tune with the seed spurting from me.

Then she finally pulled my face away from her body. I was barely able to make out a smile on her face. “So, human, how was it?” she asked.

“Cold,” I answered. “Very, very cold. I don’t suppose you can let me go now?”

“That’s all you have to say?” she asked, disappointed. “I thought you were supposed to be a great warrior, hardened to all manner of discomfort!”

What I really wanted to say was I just got raped. Let’s see how you deal with that. What I did say, though, was, “I’ve had a long day.”

She hmphed at that, but started to unwind her tail. “You gave me what I wanted, so I suppose it’s only fair I give you want you want. Though most of the males of this clan would prefer to sleep with a female coiled with them rather than alone.”

I figured that was as good a chance as any to further my image of warrior. “Sleeping alone means you have to worry less about catching a knife in the heart.”

She stopped unwinding and for a second I thought I fucked up. She said, “After what you did to help us, none of us would hurt you. If you are truly afraid of getting hurt by one of us, though, I can think of a great way to hide you…” Her tail started to constrict me again. Thankfully, I had use of my hands at that point and did my best to pull myself out.

“I think I’ll be fine, actually,” I said. She gave off a little sigh and finally let me all the way free.

She turned her head to the door and I thought I was finally free of her, but she suddenly looked back to me. “Human, I know you wish to be alone, but… You see, we rarely get any guests as warm as you are!” She reached a hand out to my face and caressed it lightly. I don’t know how I stopped myself from jerking back. “You don’t seem to like being constricted, but… can I at least sleep next to you? Just holding you with my arms?” The hopeful tone in her voice gave me a pit in my stomach.

What if I wake up and she wants seconds?

What if she decides to constrict me during the night and I don’t wake up?

But… If she leaves, will I actually stay alone all night? Or will another naga come to replace her?

She mistook my silence for a no and turned to go again. “Wait,” I said, knowing I might regret it. She looked back and I knew I would see hope on her face if I could see better in the dark. “If you keep your tail away from me, you can stay. And you won’t get a repeat of this little performance, either,” I said, reaching for my pants. Thankfully, the belt was undamaged. I slid them on as she slithered back over to me.

Although… “I don’t suppose your tail could function as a pillow?” I asked.

She gently lifted me up and I almost freaked out, but she just as gently lowered me back down to my back. She used her tail to give me an entire bed. “This is how we usually sleep, human,” she said, lying down next to me.

I reached over to grab my cloak; I had been using it as a pillow before, but now… I threw it over the both of us. I heard her laugh slightly in surprise. “Why did we never think of this?” she asked, marveling over something as simple as a blanket. Without another word, she threw her arms around me and pulled me closer to her. With my wings, there was very little maneuvering I could do, but I managed to get my arms around her as well.

“Warm?” I asked. She just answered by snuggling even closer against me.

(Sex is over)

So for the second day in a row, I woke up way too early and in an unfamiliar place. The naga, it appeared, were the evil type of people in the world known as early risers. And they were all too chipper about it, the sick bastards.

The kid that came to wake me up stared in wonder as I popped my fingers, back, neck, toes, and legs. I had him lead me to where the ponies were still sleeping and then sent him away. Since there wasn’t much else to do, I settled down to wait for them to wake up and ended up falling asleep myself.

I awoke with a start when I felt the pony I had apparently taken to using as a pillow shift. For the third time in a row I woke up in an unfamiliar place. At least this time I woke up on top of Fluttershy, who was just as soft as I joked a few months ago in Canterlot. She was also pretty warm, compared to the chilly cave. I don’t remember lying against her, but as tired as I was it wouldn’t be surprising.

She was also very awake, and curious as to what was lying on her, as well as why it was doing so. “Oh, hi Navarone. Was your own bed not warm enough?”

Warmer than I’ll admit to. “Nah. I came by some time ago when I got woken up. No one here was awake, and I guess I put my head down for a minute and accidentally fell asleep. Too much time running on too little sleep, you know?”

We were the only two awake at the time, so we were whispering to try not to wake up the others. I sat up off her belly so she could breathe easier.

“So… what did happen last night?” she asked.

“It was… it was bad. Terrible. So many… I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to tell any pony. It is better you don’t know. And don’t tell Pinkie Pie that, either; she would hate to know what I had to do to get her parents free.” She nodded solemnly, leaving it alone.

“How was the feast, at least?”

“Wonderful. You wouldn’t have liked it, but to me it was like entering Valhalla, minus the mead. Great food, wonderful company, exotic womenfolk. And they know how to tell a good story.”

“Are you sure you want to go back to Ponyville with us?”

“Despite all my bluster, I am not a warrior. I feel absolutely terrible about what happened yesterday. I want nothing more to do with battles, unless it is necessary.” Though I admit, the rewards were definitely interesting. But the ponies didn’t need to know about that. Especially not Fluttershy. The rewards besides the sword, knife, and striker they let me keep, I mean.

“It is good to see you finally revoking your more violent side, even if it might not be permanent.”

“Don’t get too used to it. Remember, to the others all we’re doing is dancing out here. If I come back completely changed they might think something is up, and that could raise questions Pinkie Pie wouldn’t want to have to answer. I’m a good liar. You’re not.” Besides, I had no desire to ever stop eating meat.

“I think you sometimes forget you’re not living among humans anymore. Most of our friends would probably be too happy to find you changed to question how it happened. And if you’re as good a liar as you claim, I don’t know why you can’t make up some manner of excuse, or a claim of a sudden realization that I had nothing to do with.”

“Because despite everything, changing is hard. And I don’t know if I want to change in the short term only to end up just as I was, with nothing to show for it but a broken promise.”

“Oh… If you say so."

I just shrugged. My shocking realizations of the night before were fading away, though in the gloom of the cave they still seemed real. I felt changed, but I don’t honestly know if it was a tangible change or not. Days later, as I sit writing this, I still find myself wondering.

We did little more in the way of discussion, and settled in to wait for the others to awaken. It didn’t take overlong, thankfully; Pinkie Pie’s family was used to waking up early, as farmers. Even though, you know, they fucking farmed rocks. Not like they had to wake up early to make sure their crop didn’t get stolen or wander away.

Seriously, how is that even a thing?

They were much more used to waking up in a cave than I was, from their long weeks of confinement. The father woke up first, despite his age, and motioned for me to join him outside their little living area. I got off Fluttershy again—really, she was a much better pillow than my cloak, and she didn’t seem to mind anyway—and joined him.

“You seem awfully close to your charges, for a mercenary,” he said, remarking on my closeness with Fluttershy. I didn’t comment. After a moment, he continued, “Still, you got us freed, even though we’re still here. I don’t talk about it much, but I have a small stash of bits saved up for cases like this. It isn’t much, but…”

“My… payment… has already been arranged. It is unprofessional to accept more than what was agreed upon. Thank you, but no.”

“Surely there must be something we can do for you, some way to show our gratitude!”

“Show it by never allowing your family near the site of the naga camp we raided last night. We left before the fire was put out, so I don’t know how much is left, but it would not be a pleasant sight for ponies. For anyone, really.”

“What… what happened, exactly?”

“Don’t ask. And don’t let the naga tell you. And don’t go looking. Just accept that it’s done. You might want to stay here a few days while the naga on our side round up any survivors, though I don’t imagine there’s much fight left in them. I’ll leave that up to you. I want nothing more to do with this war. Personally, given the choice, I would have left last night. But I am bound by contract to your daughter until she arranges transportation home.”

“You’re not really a mercenary, are you?”

I looked at him, trying to decide how to answer. I suppose I could technically call myself a merc, but in truth that title didn’t fit me. I decided to do what I rarely do: Tell the truth. “I’m a friend of theirs—Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, I mean. I was… Fuck it, I’m not going to lie: Pinkie Pie kidnapped both of us to help her. We would have agreed to help her if she had asked, but whatever, here we are. Shit, Fluttershy was brought along more as an excuse for getting me here. My job was supposed to be to sneak in the caves, rescue you, and bring you back out with the naga none-the-wiser. But Fluttershy is a crappy liar, so I ended up working with them instead. The merc title is just what I chose to make it easier to explain to the naga, and they took that as meaning I was a warrior for hire.”

“That does sound like Pinkamena…” he muttered. “We’ll have to talk about that before she leaves again. You know, if you are for hire, I could use some help around the farm. My back isn’t what it used to be, and rocks never were light.”

“Ah, no!” I said, a tad too quickly. I continued, slower, “You know how women are; they always manage to get into messes. So very often it seems I’m the one that ends up pulling them through. Your daughter and her friends are no different.” Not entirely true. In fact, it was pretty close to patently false. But whatever, it got the desired reaction. He smiled and nodded, dropping the point. I have done some odd things in my short nineteen years of life, and I had no desire to add rock farming to the list.

“But if you aren’t a mercenary, that means you aren’t getting paid by my daughter. So why can’t you accept a token of gratitude?”

Mo money mo problems is what I wanted to say, but he wouldn’t have gotten that. So instead I settled with, “You need it more than I do; my meals and board are provided for by the crown.” Let him make of that what he would. It was technically true; Twilight lived in the library through the grace of Celestia, and I lived with Twilight. And since Twilight was technically an agent of the crown, and it was usually her feeding me, the crown was providing for that as well. Not to say I was a complete freeloader, mind; I did the occasional odd job and whatnot. I also helped with some research.

And then there were events like this, where I solved a possible regional inter-warfare crisis between two rival extra-pony groups. Though my methods were not at all the preferred methods for something like this; if Twilight had been here, the two groups would have ended up laying down their arms and cooperating peacefully, in brotherhood and harmony. Until they remembered what and who they were and one side or the other conducted their own version of the Kristallnacht upon the other. My method wasn’t pretty, but it was permanent.

“You know,” I told him, “you could move and farm something else. Like, where there aren’t a bunch of carnivorous snake people. And farm something that actually grows.” Or makes sense.

“No, no. I’ve been here so long now I wouldn’t know what else to do. This farm has been in our family for generations. I couldn’t just up and leave…” Even though your land is terribly depressing, you risk possible death by naga, and one of your daughters is hundreds of miles away. Right.

I just shrugged and said, “Your life.”

I was saved from further conversation by more stirring from within. The rest of the party was waking up. We returned before our absence was noted.

Pinkie Pie was rather happy to see us all in one place, and primed to stay that way for a while. I’m sure that if she had the supplies, she would have thrown a party right then and there.

The rest of the family was pleased they would get to go home soon, blissfully unaware of the cost. Fluttershy, who never much cares to leave her animals in the first place, was looking forward to getting home soon. I found myself agreeing; this place was not good for my mind.

All was in order for our departure, so we started to make our way out. We were passing a large chamber just before the entrance to the tunnel that would take us out when I was called aside by the clan leader. He waved the rest of the group forwards, and I nodded at Pinkie Pie to show I’d catch up.

“There is something I’d like to show you, human Navarone,” the leader told me. If I knew them better, I’d made a joke about trouser snakes, but as it was, I abstained. They didn’t wear pants anyway.

“I hope you don’t plan to keep me overly long from my employer. She may still need protecting, unless you sent warriors to finish mopping up the remnants of the enemy.”

“My naga will watch her family for some time. You need not worry about them.”

“Then I will see what you have to show me.”

We went through a side passage that I had barely noticed until then, my quiet cloth-shoed footfalls loudly overrun by his raspy slithering. If they want to kill me, my body would never be found. It was not a comforting realization, especially given the caveat I gave them the night before, about my status as an assassin and not a warrior.

I decided to pull out my crossbow and check it over for damage as we went, as a hint of sorts. We talked of strategy and combat on the way through the caverns. There was little lighting, for most of the naga knew their way through the caves. But what little I could see took my breath away. There were a few massive cavities, extending so high up I couldn’t see the top. There were a few pitfalls so deep that I couldn’t see the bottom, bridged only by narrow constructions of rope and wood, and it took echoes from the bottom minutes to reach us.

There was one point when we entered one of those massive cavities where we paused. I looked, and lining the wall were tombs, in which I assumed great warriors were laid. We spent a few moments of respect, with him telling me the history of a few notable naga from his clan. I didn’t much care, personally, but I was able to respect their history. At that point, I was thinking that was what he had wanted to show me, but when he started moving forward again I unhesitatingly followed.

We went through one room completely lined by massive sapphires, all grown into the wall and engraved with historical scenes. There was a single torch in the room, and that was all it needed: The walls glittered and shone dazzlingly, bathing the entire room in a brilliant blue shade. I could barely see any of the scenes on the wall, but I didn’t need to see them to understand their significance. Rarity would have killed to have been able to mine that room. She would have been killed had she tried it, too.

We finally stopped again at a massive—supermassive; this place was bigger than any of the rooms we went through, possibly combined—pool of water. Inside it were schools of bioluminescent fish dancing merrily through the waves, chasing blind fish that evolved for the perfect darkness of the area. Their lights, mixed with the torches lining some parts of the walls, gave the room a warm, faint glow. From what I could see of the water, it was perfectly clear and completely unsilted. But even with the fish and the torches, I couldn’t see the bottom of it. I could see a single slant of light illuminating a perfect circle near the middle of the lake, and descending from that was a long rope leading all the way from the ceiling to the water.

It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If I had lost my eyes afterwards, I don’t know if I would have been sad; I had seen the most beautiful thing the world had to offer. What more was there?

I saw more naga around and in the water, easily surviving above the water and below it. A few of them were surprised to see me there, but upon seeing their war leader they didn’t comment. Some even called greetings. We each raised a hand in response.

“Why… did you bring me here?” I weakly asked.

“A few reasons. One, to show you for what you fought yesterday. What you saw out in front caverns is where we live when we might need to access the surface easily. Most of our warriors live there full time, and take occasional breaks here to get their scales and gills wet. Their families live there with them. Almost no outsider ever sees this area, as it houses our people. Our innocent people, mind.”

“I am glad to know I didn’t kill a large group of naga for just the few souls I saw in the front caverns, that is for sure. I have not been a part of a slaughter like that in a long time…”

“Another reason is that I would like you to reconsider returning to the ponies. You said yourself they don’t use you to your full potential. You don’t even know how to properly fight! That little toy at your side is good for shooting animals, but there is no glory in fighting with it! Stay with us, and learn to fight like a naga.”

It was a somewhat tempting offer, honestly. It would give me a chance to escape from Luna, as she would never be able to find me down here. Meat and fish would be easier to find. Their women were… inviting. And I was growing a bit weary living among the ponies; they were all nice, but most still found it hard to deal with me.

But there were downsides as well. One, I’m not aquatic. Two, I don’t want to live in mostly darkness forever. Three, I have fucking wings, and this is a cave. There are a few places I could fly, but not many. Four, fighting for glory and honor is stupid and a good way to get you killed early. Five, none of these naga really seemed that scholarly. Discussions with them would most likely devolve into boasts, stories, and war, not logic and debate like I was getting used to.

After a long enough wait, I answered, “I am sorry, but my place is with the ponies, at least for now. They have few ways to solve their problems that involve violence but with creatures like me. They rarely need violence, but when they do, someone has to be able to do it. Few enough mercs walk their lands, which is probably a good thing.” All technically true.

“That is the answer I was expecting, but not an answer I am pleased to hear. There is one more thing you could do for my people, if you would be so kind. It isn’t something that is hard, but something we cannot do.”

“Name it, and I will see what I can do.”

“We need your wings. Naga… do not like fliers. Of any kind. Both fish and snakes do not have many defenses when it comes to birds, and that translated through to us. But sometimes we need them, and ponies rarely show themselves worthy of working with us.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Take several torches and light up our sky.” He waved his arm upwards, showing the empty darkness that ruled above us. There were a few weakly flickering lights above us, what I at first thought were more gemstones, but now realized were actually almost dead torches. I wondered what they were hiding up there, then.

“Bring me torches,” I said as I started unclasping my cloak. I removed the crossbow and the bolts from my back and unclipped the sword belt from my waist. I shook out and stretched my wings as I waited for the torches. I thought of the rope, and asked, “Where does that rope lead, and why can’t you use it for the torches?”

“The smoke from the torches has to go somewhere. You remember the well behind the farmer’s house? That rope is the bucket rope for it. Our warriors can climb up it, but once they get to the ceiling, they can’t hold on as well.”

“And… the ponies know about this?”

“They know that we use the well sometimes. They don’t know its significance, though.”

Good to know. Then someone finally brought me some torches.

“Along the wall and ceiling are a few sconces. Some are inlaid into the wall, some are jutting out. Just slide a torch in everywhere you can fit one,” their engineer told me. I was given a pack of empty torches that I clipped around my waist, and a lit one to guide me on my way and to light the further ones.

It was a long, painful job. As I said before, the chamber was just absolutely massive. I had to take several trips to get more torches. I could tell they had been stockpiling them for a while. It involved more climbing and hanging than actual flying, and both my wings and arms were wooden and stiff by the time I was getting done.

When I landed for the last time, I barely had enough energy to get me into the air one more time. But this trip was special to me. I took off everything but my pants and leapt into the air. Then I flew several hundred feet into the center of the room and just dove into the pool.

I had to have spent at least half an hour in the cool water, letting my wings soak and recover. The glow from the roof was brilliant, and I could see patterns in the torches and some bits of artwork on the ceiling. Right before I dove into the water, I noticed that I could see all the way to the bottom of the pool; there were a few hundred naga on the bottom, finally lit up and able to see well.

It was incredibly peaceful, with the gentle lapping of water at the shore barely at the edge of perceptibility and the unheard sounds of the bustling community below me. I hardly wanted to drag myself out of the pool, but I knew Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy would be worried until I came back. I slowly started paddling toward the shore with my arms. My wings trailed gently behind me.

When I finally reached the edge, their clan leader smiled down at me. “As far as I’m concerned, you are always welcome here, human, wings and pony-lover be damned. You helped save us from our enemies and you lit up the world for us. I know you feel the need to return to the ponies, but feel free to come back here whenever you want.” I nodded at his remarks, happy to hear them. “I would lead you back to the surface myself, but I am needed at a council meeting. We military naga know the threat is extinguished, but politicians always like to blather on.”

We clasped hands, and he slid beneath the waves, leaving me with a small group of warriors that weren’t with the raiders last night. I would have climbed up the rope, but there was no way in hell I was strong enough to climb that high. I could fly half the distance, but even then I couldn’t climb the rest of the way.

As they led me to the surface, they asked for stories of the night before. I told a few, exaggerating the effect their own warriors had. They then started asking for stories of my homeland, and I told a few of those. Before I knew it, I was dry and on the surface, cloak wrapped again about me.

Most of the warriors in the group split off on the way to the surface, and all but one guide left us when we got outside. The last guide and I slowly made our way to Pinkie Pie’s farm, where I found a large surprise party waiting for me. Not so much a surprise when you know Pinkie Pie, but whatever.

We invited the guide to stay, but he took one look at the decorations and politely declined. I wish I could have declined as well, but you know Pinkie Pie. I generally pretend to enjoy them for her benefit; there are times I think she’s codependent, and would go on a self-destructive spiral if she couldn’t keep others entertained.

It was definitely an interesting contrast to the feast I had with the naga. I mean, it’s like going from an ancient Scandinavian/Viking feast, missing only mead, to a five year old’s birthday party. It was a bit of a disappointing swap, and I was really tempted to bring out the alcohol and let everyone take a nice shot, but I managed to restrain myself. After the wounds I dealt with the night before, I only had one flask left, and that wouldn’t be enough to get a pony buzzed.

And while I’m not going to say I didn’t take a shot or two, fuck you.

The next morning, I woke up to a banging at the front door. In an unfamiliar place, yet again. Since it wasn’t my house, I didn’t even care about the knocking, until I heard a scream.

Before I even registered what I was hearing, I was already up and out the window with the sword belt in my hand. Since it was so hot, I had left the window open, dust be damned. I should mention again, in case I haven’t before: I don’t know how to use a sword, other than that the pointy end goes into the other person.

I glided to the ground and had the sword unsheathed and pointed rather harshly into the back of the naga that was intruding. “Friend or foe, I don’t care. Drop your sword belt and don’t even think about drawing steel.”

It very, very slowly did as I asked. Pinkie Pie’s mother at the front door looked horrified, and the rest of the group were gathering behind her in various states of shock.

But the look of horror on the mother’s face changed to one of slight compassion, as she beheld the look on the naga’s face. I couldn’t see it myself, but apparently it was a pitiful mix of fear, sorrow, and resignation. Before I was fully aware of what was happening, she was ushering him inside, through expressions of doubt voiced by the husband.

I checked the naga’s sword belt where he dropped it and found the damn thing was actually empty; the sheath was there, but the sword was gone. That didn’t cause me to put my blade away, but rather caused me more concern. This was almost definitely a refugee from the camp; what was he doing here? And how did he get through the sentries I was promised?

As I followed the naga and the mother in, I whispered to Fluttershy, “Go get my crossbow and the bolts. I have a bad feeling.” She took a look at my face, audibly gulped, and rushed off to get them.

As we marched the prisoner into the kitchen, I took a second to study him. He was smaller than most naga I had seen and looked a lot younger. Most of the others had some tattoos or markings to identify them as warriors, but this one had nothing.

When we got to the kitchen, I kicked everyone out but the father and the mother. Pinkie Pie didn’t want to leave, but an executive override from the father was something even her usual insanity couldn’t pierce.

When the naga finally saw me, he turned about as white as possible for a snake fish thing and spluttered out an aggrieved “Monster!” If I didn’t have the sword on him, he would have attacked me. As it was, I know he considered impaling himself if it would have meant getting his hands on me for even a second.

I turned to the mother. “Leave.” She did so, after a lingering look at her husband.

When she had left and we locked the door behind her, I asked it, “Why did you come here?”

He hissed at me, and answered toward the farmer instead. “Asylum. There is nowhere left for me. I was the only survivor, after this thing destroyed our camp. Ponies are known for their tolerance. I see now they even tolerate monsters.”

“Strong words, coming from a snake-fish beast,” I answered.

“Enough,” the father pronounced. “So you want asylum. Why should I give it to you?”

“My family is dead. My friends are dead. My clan is dead,” the naga wailed. “There is nothing left for me. I can work here or I can leave and die. The native naga here will kill me if I leave this building without you by my side. They laughingly sent me here without a weapon. They didn’t tell me… this was here,” he hissed, with an angry motion in my direction. Probably figured I would kill him and save them the trouble. One last trick to a grieving enemy.

After a look from the father, I held my tongue. After that look, though, he got thoughtful. “You can work, you said. Do you know any farming work?” Ultimate punishment, right there. Have your family killed and then get pressed into a rock farm.

“I was a scout. That is why I was away from the camp when… it was destroyed. I saw it, though. I saw this monster pouring fire from the heavens on it!”

Very calmly, the father said, “If you keep talking badly about my guests, I will throw you out of this house myself. If you want any manner of asylum here, you will have to work for it. That includes respect my word.”

I walked over to the farmer and whispered, “You sure this is wise?”

“He’s young, Navarone. Have some compassion. Did you learn nothing from this?”

“I learned that naga are fucking dangerous.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond, walking away.

After an intense internal debate, the farmer decided. “You can stay. If you don’t like the work, I’ll pay a train ticket for you to go anywhere reasonable.” Not the choice I would have made. I couldn’t have trusted my family to something carnivorous, if I was an herbivore. But it wasn’t my call.

After a look at my face, the farmer said, “Anypony can change.”

“Yes, but so few rarely bother to.” He couldn’t answer that, aside from a vague call to ‘have some faith.’

When we told the rest, I got responses I expected. Incredulity mixed with acceptance, with a tinge of fear from Fluttershy. The only request the naga made was that I leave as soon as possible, which I was planning on doing anyway. That farm was depressing as all hell. I don’t know how anyone could keep a will to live there.

So it was that we found ourselves on a train home before the day was out.

“If anyone asks,” I said, “these are props.” That was in reference to the sword, knife and two fire starters I had from the naga.

“Of course. And we were dancing all the time,” Pinkie Pie said.

“This doesn’t feel right, lying to everypony. They would understand,” Fluttershy said.

“It would raise questions I don’t want to answer,” I told her. She knew a bit of what I meant, from the conversation in the cave, but Pinkie Pie didn’t.

“What do you mean, Nav? You’re a hero!”

“The path of a hero is strewn with bodies of those slain to prove his mettle.”

“But heroes always save the ponies in the stories.”

“Maybe in your stories. In mine, most of the heroes are made from killing more of the enemy than anyone else.” She was having none of it, though. Thankfully, her warnings to us to keep silent about the affairs held to herself, and she stopped her thanksgivings to me when we arrived back home.

When asked how the trip was, we replied with, “It was interesting.” I kept the other bottle of alcohol, just in case. Seriously, how much of that shit was Applejack making?

Chapter Fourteen—Instrumentalists and fillies

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sXXJo4p2Q22PXgQyQcmDjIRUKDacrHniwuHJZ5Bt2ew/edit#

About half a month after the little naga trip, I noticed an aquamarine unicorn following me. Now, I had seen this chick watching me several times, but she usually left it at watching. Of course, I was watched by just about all the ponies in town anyway, so that was hardly surprising. Her eyes seemed a bit too intent for my liking, is all.

But that day, it seemed, she decided to follow me. This went on for about three blocks before I decided to turn down a short alley. I kept walking, looking back occasionally. She stopped at the alley entrance for a bit and watched me a while before continuing on. Maybe it was just me.

It wasn’t. The same thing happened the next day in a different part of town. When I noticed, I started walking out of town. Just a few gradual changes in my path, nothing much, but I made sure I was outside of town. She stopped at the town limits and watched me for a while before turning back.

The same thing happened the next day. And the next. By the fifth day, she was bolder, and followed me wherever I went, until I went into a building.

The sixth day I noticed her following me, I went to town hall. The town hall building itself is round, and there’s a pretty big area around it that is empty of everything, leaving a wheel around it.

I walked around it a few times, slowly speeding up my pace. She wasn’t paying too much attention to my speed. Before long I was right alongside her. “Hello, ma’am,” I said.

She jumped.

“What’s your name?” I asked in a conversational tone.

“L-l-lyra,” she squeaked.

“Lyra… That’s a nice name,” I said. “Your cutie mark is a harp. Do you play?”

She nodded, more comfortable talking about something she was familiar with. “I’m not famous or anything, but I do play. It’s actually a lyre, but that’s pretty close to a harp!”

I smiled. “I’ve always wanted to learn to play an instrument, but I was always more of a piano kinda guy. Shame I never had the coordination for it.” I sighed. “I miss some things from my world. Some of the music is one of them.”

She was silent for a moment. She finally squeaked something again that sounded like she said, “And hands?”

I nodded. “Yeah, not very many of the people here having hands is kind of odd, I admit. Hooves are interesting, of course, but there’s nothing like being able to just reach out and stroke something…” I gently poked her.

She shivered. “May I… Your hands…” She was kind of flustered. I stopped. “Oh, please don’t be offended…” Then she saw my little smile. I held my hands up for her.

I felt her magic take them and pull them around a bit. She tweaked them a few times, flexed them in and out. She was staring with awe. She slowly pulled me closer by my hands, until I was gently rubbing her nose.

She released me with a wide smile and I slowly pulled my hand back. She said, “I don’t suppose you would…” She blushed a little. “Would you like to hear me play?”

Not sure I like where this is going. “In a public setting, certainly. However, the princess has forbidden me from entering any private residence until more ponies accept me. She doesn’t want anyone to think I might be harming someone.” That was a lie, but eh.

She nodded. “I understand. I don’t think Bon-Bon would like an unexpected visitor anyway! If you could just follow me and wait outside for a few minutes, I could grab my lyre and we could go to the park.”

I thought for a moment. Bon-Bon… That would work. “Okay. Just make sure to invite your friend; music should be shared with as many people as possible, in my opinion.”

Her smile grew even wider. “She always tells me the same thing! You’ll have to keep a lookout for any possible gigs for me, friend!” She ran off and I followed, slower. She looked back when she was about fifty feet from me and gasped. She galloped back. “I forgot you were so slow! I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, Lyra. I can be faster when I choose, but it’s a nice day out. Too nice to be hurrying, in my mind.” She smiled before joining me at my side. She led me to a nondescript house and went inside. I knelt down and waited.

A few short minutes later Lyra came bundling out, holding a case in the air with magic. A very light yellow mare followed her out, closing the door behind her. She looked me up and down before giving a little shudder. The ponies here really weren’t used to me, and I suppose some were still afraid even after what Celestia had said.

But they were always relatively polite about it. Lyra introduced us. “Bon-Bon, this is Navarone. Navarone, this is my special somepony Bon-Bon.”

I nodded, smiling. “Nice to meet you, ma’am. Would you like to go to the park to hear Lyra play?”

She nodded stiffly. “I suppose,” she said nervously. I nodded, still smiling.

Lyra clapped a bit, and led the way to a park. She kept up an inane chatter, trying to get her friend to warm up to me. I answered her as I could, not knowing much about the social scene in this place.

Finally, Bon-Bon said, “So Navarone, what did the princess mean when she said you were good at dealing with unicorns?”

Lyra stopped talking. I stopped smiling.

“A few months ago, Twilight was challenged by someone named Trixie,” I said. “Since I pretty much live with Twilight for free, she asked me to go along with her in case she needed help. The competition was set up in a few bouts. Twilight competed against Trixie and lost. I competed against her and won. After a few more bouts, it was resolved as a tie. I assume that’s what Celestia’s talking about.” They both seemed relieved by that.

“And here I was, worried,” Bon-Bon said, sounding relieved. “Even if you do give me a… a bad feeling, you don’t seem dangerous.”

“It’s nice to hear that, Bon-Bon,” I answered. More than enough of these damn horses are afraid of me. Maybe seeing me with a few like this will change their minds.

“So… what exactly are you, anyway?” Bon-Bon asked.

They both seemed to listen rather intently as I explained my species and where I came from, though it seemed hard to believe that they didn’t already know.

When we got to the park, Lyra walked over to a tree that I swear had a groove in it from being sat under. She matched the spot perfectly and started pulling out her instrument. Bon-Bon sat very close to her, watching the minty mare. I sat a few feet away, facing them both.

When she was ready, Lyra began to play. The first song was a beautiful, sorrowful song. It rang a few notes in my mind and for some reason sounded very familiar, but I didn’t know why. When she finished, Bon-Bon was crying lightly, smiling. I was wearing my own little smile.

Lyra looked over at me. “What did you think?” she asked me.

“Beautiful,” I answered. She beamed at me, and began to play much happier songs. We were at the park for an hour or two, until the sun went down. It was a nice day…

I found out just how much booze Applejack was making a few days into winter, when a huge explosion rocked the countryside.

I was with Twilight at the time, talking about an interesting point of logic. As soon as the boom finished echoing, I looked dead at her and said, “I’m right here. This was not my fault.”

“I don’t know,” she sarcastically answered, “you seem really wily. I wouldn’t be surprised if you managed to find a way to be in two places at once.” With that, we set off to find out what the hell happened.

In a typical human and apparently pony reaction, most everyone was staring out at the distance, trying to see whatever happened. Twilight and I were the only ones actually rushing to find out. And of course—as I feared—the trail led to Applejack’s farm.

Now, there were a few good things to be said about this: One, it was winter, so all of the crops were in. Two, no one was in the fields. Three, I couldn’t be logically blamed for it.

Applejack was still rather distraught at it, though. With all the snow on the ground and with no leaves to jump from one tree to another, the fire didn’t spread that far. Stills aren’t that cheap to make, though, and she probably lost a decent investment in the parts it took. I don’t know why she was making that stuff anymore anyway. She didn’t seem to be actually using or selling it, and I kept a very, very close eye on that to make sure.

Thankfully, there was a large group of pegasi already there, getting clouds together to rain the fire out. There wasn’t much for me or Twilight to do by the time we got there.

“Well, I hope you learned a very valuable lesson today,” I told Applejack after we got the fire put out.

“Yeah, build my stills away from trees! You didn’t tell me they could explode!”

“No, the lesson you’re supposed to be learning is that even though I allow you to produce this shit doesn’t mean you should.”

“What, does the actual alcohol itself randomly blow up, too?”

“It is flammable, if the alcohol percentage is high enough, which it is. If someone trips over a lantern where you store it and there’s enough of alcohol there, the explosion will be enough to make this look like a firecracker.”

“I’m done with this stuff. Forget it. I’ll hold onto what I have in case we ever need it, but I’m not making any more.”

“Good girl.” She stuck her tongue out at me.

“Twilight, I’m really not comfortable with being a magic guinea pig,” I said. We were in the library and she was looking at me with predatory eyes.

“Oh come on, Nav! What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I could die. Or be turned into a pony permanently. I don’t actually know which of those would be worse.”

“This isn’t a permanent spell. It just lasts a few hours. You’ll be fine!”

I sighed. She grinned, knowing she won, and cast the spell. A purple light arced at me, hit me dead in the chest, diffused around my body, collected in my wings, and shot right back at her. She had the chance to look surprised before it engulfed her in a cloud of purple.

I coughed out a bit of black smoke. “Holy shit,” I rasped. “You okay, Twilight?” The cloud of purple was beginning to dissipate.

“Is that you, Shiny? What happ—” We saw each other at the same time. She looked a hell of a lot smaller and a lot cuter than she used to. Until she saw me, at least. Then her eyes opened as wide as they could, she screamed, reared back, her horn glowed, and I went flying backwards through the closed window. It shattered and sent me tumbling into the town.

I stopped tumbling at the feet of a very confused Applejack. “You alright, Nav?”

“No,” I groaned. It felt like my back was fucked up and I know there was glass in my wings.

“What happened? Is Twilight okay?”

“She fucked a spell up. She was a lot smaller and very confused. Am I bleeding?”

She looked me up and down. “You’ll be fine.” That didn’t answer my question. “Imma go check on Twi.” She galloped up to the door of the library and burst in.

I started picking myself up off the ground, wincing as I did so. The crowd of ponies around me backed away when I stood. I just got thrown out a window by someone they respect a hell of a lot more than me. They probably think I was attacking her.

I spread my wings, trying to feel for any damage. Apparently feathers make good shields for glass. Clothes, however, do not. I heard a loud and familiar gasp behind me. “Nav, what happened?”

“Twilight went crazy, Rarity. Is my back that bad?”

“Well… it’s seen better days. Is Twilight okay?”

“Applejack is checking right now. Can you use your magic to pick any glass out?” She looked disgusted at the question. “It needs to come out or it won’t heal right.” Actually, I don’t know how that would work with healing magic.

“I can… try. Come on to my shop, we’ll get you cleaned up. Now, tell me what happened to Twilight.” She started leading the way to her shop as I explained what happened. “That does sound like her,” she muttered.

“Yeah. Cares nothing for safety. Mine or hers. It’s just like her to defenestrate me for the fun of it.”

She giggled and said, “That’s a word I wouldn’t have expected somepony like you to know.”

“Rarity, you know I’m smart. I’m just uncouth and I don’t care about using the manners I have.”

“I know. You make it easy to forget sometimes.” Rarity can be such a bitch at times. She tends to make up for it, though.

She pushed the door to her boutique open. “Come on in. Try not to bleed on anything.”

“It’s not that bad, is it?”

“How bad does it hurt?”

“I can tell you that it sure don’t feel good.”

We stopped in the kitchen. “Have a seat. I’ll go get some towels and a bucket of water.” I grabbed one of the kitchen seats and sat in it backwards so I didn’t bleed on the wood. Blood stains are pretty hard to remove.

She didn’t take long, thankfully. “It’s a good thing Sweetie Belle left for home yesterday. I would hate for her to see this. Now take your shirt off.”

“I didn’t know you just wanted to get me naked.” I pulled it off and noticed how messed up the back of it looked. She pulled it away with magic. I started feeling pinpricks in my back and heard a few tingles as bits of glass fell to the floor. Occasionally a wet towel would rub over my back, making me flinch.

“This would be much easier if you didn’t jump every time I touched you.”

“I wouldn’t jump every time you touched me if it didn’t hurt like a bitch.”

“Language, Nav… There. I think that’s the last of it. Sit still while I go get a needle and some thread.”

“Oh God, don’t tell me I need stitches!”

“No, no. But your shirt is just ruined! I couldn’t let you keep wearing it like this.” Dammit, Rarity. I sighed in relief as she started walking back into her shop.

She came back quickly and began to work on the shirt. “You need me to clean any of this up?” I asked, flexing my wings a bit.

“No, I can get it all up with magic quickly enough. I wouldn’t want your sensitive paws to get cut up.”

“Thanks for this, Rarity. I don’t know what came over Twilight. She knows I hate getting thrown out windows.”

“She’s done this to you before?”

“No, but she’s smart. She should know that no one likes being thrown out windows.”

“Well, Twilight should know a lot of things that she doesn’t. That pony is so inexperienced with life…” She let out a soft chuckle. “I bet she wouldn’t even know what to do if she developed a crush on somepony.”

“I don’t know if she would be capable of that. The amount of time she spends in study is insane. The only one she could start to crush on is someone that helped her with her studies.”

“Like you, perhaps?” she coyly asked.

“I certainly hope not. She scares me sometimes.” Actually, she scares me a lot. “That would be a match made in hell.”

“If you say so…”

We sat in a bit of silence for a bit before there was a knock at the door. “Want me to get it?” I asked.

“Let a visitor get my door?” she scoffed. “And a bloody one, at that. Stay here, Nav.” She stood and walked out, leaving my shirt behind.

I heard the door open and Applejack’s country twang of an accent say, “Howdy, Rarity. Is Nav still here?”

“Yes he is. What… what happened to Twilight?”

“A spell gone funny, far as I can tell. I hope it ain’t permanent, she’s turned into a filly! Don’t remember a thing of us, neither.”

Rarity was leading AJ into the kitchen. When they got to me, AJ let out a low whistle. “She sure did a number on you! You alright, Nav?”

“Better, now that the glass is gone.” I stood to face them. “The spell isn’t permanent, or at least Twilight didn’t think it was. I told her not to do it, but she doesn’t listen to my advice about stuff like that. Is she still afraid of me, or can I go there to get a new shirt and a shower?”

“You need to see a doctor before anything else, Nav,” Rarity told me. “The way your back is scratched up, you really shouldn’t be walking around!”

“She’s right, sugar cube. You need to get that seen to. But I don’t think Twilight’ll attack you again. You just startled her, is all.”

“She is way too powerful. Who’s looking after her right now?”

“Spike. She recognizes him, even if she isn’t sure why he’s so big. Now c’mon, let’s get you to the doc.”

“Don’t you think we should cover up my cuts first? Ponies might freak out if they saw them.”

“Well… You’re right. Rarity, you have any scrap cloth we could use?”

She looked over to the table at my shirt. “It was a lost cause anyway,” she sighed, magicking it over to me. I wrapped it around my upper body. “You go ahead and take him to the doctor. I’ll clean up this mess and go check on Twilight.”

“See you soon, Rarity!”

“Thanks again.” Off we went to the doc. I’m coming here way too often. I hope this doesn’t become a trend.

Thankfully, after the princess confirmed that I was decent, the doctors actually began to let me in without too many problems. Before, they did their best to get me to visit the vet first, even if they did let me in eventually. Unless I came in with Derpy, as I did that one time. Or was dragged in, as happened with Pinkie.

Anyway, Nurse Redheart led the way to a small room. AJ left me to cool my heels there as she headed back to the library. The doctor didn’t keep me waiting long, at least. “So what seems to be the problem today, Nav?” He was looking at a clipboard or something.

“I’m going to go with these gaping holes in my back that you can see pretty easily,” I commented. I had taken the shirt off when we got here.

He looked up and noticed how fucked up my back was. “Oh. Run through another forest?”

“No, I got thrown out a window. Think you can patch me up?”

“They don’t call me Doctor Feelgood for nothing. I’ll be back in a minute.” He stepped out. Two minutes later he stepped in with a few rolls of gauze and whatnot. “This shouldn’t hurt much.”

“Can you make it just not hurt at all?”

“Yes, I could. Now sit still.” He ran a cleaning pad or something down my back, which stung like fire. “At least all the glass is out.” He began to hum something as he started to roll me up in an impersonation of a mummy. It took me a minute to recognize the theme from “Monster Mash.” I began to hum it with him. When he finished, he said, “There. Most of those are pretty small and should heal up quickly enough. What I rubbed on them should help. If you have any problems, just come on back.”

“You got it, doc. I don’t suppose I get a lollipop for being a good patient?”

“No, you don’t. Head on out, now, and apologize to whoever threw you out the window.”

“I’m hoping it’s the other way around, but either way.” I left the hospital—fuck yeah, pony socialism!—and started back to the library. I knocked on the door, because I really didn’t want filly Twilight to freak out upon seeing me.

Spike answered, looking behind him hesitantly. His eyes lit up when he saw me. “Thank Celestia you’re here! I forgot how much of a pain Twilight was as a filly! Come in, man.”

“Is she going to freak out again?”

“I… don’t think so? I know she threw you through a window, but I think Applejack talked to her.”

“God I hope so.” I entered, to see Twilight surrounded by books. Literally, I mean: She built a book fort around herself and was reading another one. “She doesn’t seem that bad,” I commented.

She looked up at my voice and her eyes went wide. I ripped Spike from the ground and held him in front of me before she could do anything to me; he was relatively resistant to magic.

“You put my pet dragon down!” she demanded, pulling herself from her fort.

Pet dragon? “Are you going to attack me again?” I asked, wielding Spike as a shield.

“Me, attack you? You’re the monster here!”

“That’s a matter of opinion. I was minding my own business when you threw me out the window! That really hurt, you know.”

She humphed. “Serves you right for being a monster. Don’t you want to eat me?”

“Not particularly, no. I mean, if you want to be eaten, I guess I could give it a try. Do you want me to eat you?”

“Well… no. Does that mean you aren’t here to attack me?”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Just because I’m different doesn’t mean I’m evil.”

“Nav, can you put me down?” Spike asked, his arms crossed.

“Can you make sure filly Twilight doesn’t go ape shit on me?”

“Look at her, Nav! She looks more curious than anything, now.”

I moved Spike out of the direct line of sight between me and Twilight. She did look insanely curious, and was hesitantly moving closer to me. I shrugged and set Spike down.

Twilight let off a massive grin. God that’s adorable. “You don’t seem that bad, mister. What’s your name?”

“Navarone. We’ve met, but it’s been a while.”

“I sure don’t remember you.” Man, she really was terrible at social interaction as a filly. “Do you know where Cadance or Shining Armor is? Or my parents? Or the princess?”

“I don’t know Cadance or Shining Armor. I’ve never met your parents, either. The princess is probably in Canterlot. We’re in a small town near there right now.”

She gasped. “I’ve never been outside of Canterlot before! Oh, are the books here that different?”

I looked around the library and finally settled back on her. “You tell me. You’re in the only library in the town, right now. You can read any book you want, here. Just take three down at a time and you’re okay.”

She reared back and clapped her forelegs together, a happy smile on her face. She landed quickly, the smile dropping a bit. “Hey, why do you get to say what I can and can’t read? Are you the librarian?”

“Yes, I am. As long as you don’t make too much noise and don’t make too much of a mess, you can stay here with your pet for as long as you like. I’ll explain the whole thing to your parents when they get here.” Spike gave me a look. I winked at him. He just rolled his eyes.

Twilight was busy giving me the happiest look I think I had seen from a pony in a while. She jumped at me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her instinctively, holding her up. “Thank you mister librarian!” she shouted, hugging me.

“No problem, my dear. Books are there to be read by anypony, after all.” I almost said anyone, but caught myself; no need to risk freaking her out anymore by the grammar change. After a short moment I set her down. She immediately ran back to her book fort and started looking over the titles.

“The mare that was here only let me look at foal books. But now that you’re here…” Her horn glowed and all the books settled back to their section on a low shelf. She trotted around the library, looking for something. “Mister, where are the spell books?”

Oh lord. I led her to where they were. “Take any three, Twilight. Just put them back as you finish. And please don’t cast any spell that might hurt you or anypony else.”

“Yes sir!” She promptly grabbed three large books and dragged them off the shelf. She trotted over to the center of the library where the most light is and began to read.

“Keep an eye on her, Spike,” I told him. He rolled his eyes. I went upstairs to put a shirt on. I grabbed Twilight’s pillow and blanket while I was up there and took them downstairs. “Do you want to get more comfortable, Twilight?” I asked, holding up the pillow.

She looked up from her book and smiled upon seeing me with a pillow. “Yeah! Thanks, mister!” She pulled the pillow from my grasp with weak magic and set it under her. I threw the blanket on top of her. I heard her giggle and saw her horn light up from under it, giving her light. God she’s so adorable. What happened between then and now?

“And you said she was a problem,” I said at Spike, smirking a bit.

“Well, she was. You should have heard her whining when Applejack said she could only read the foal books.” He shook his head. “She sure was a lot easier to put up with back then.”

“Dude, she called you a pet.”

“Well, I might as well have been one, then. Newborn dragons don’t require much care. Feed them once a day and they’re set. We can hardly be hurt and we have just enough magic resistance that it takes a trained unicorn to manipulate us, even at that age.”

“Lucky you. Human babies are helpless when they’re born, and stay that way for a while. There’s a good evolutionary reason for it, but I don’t care enough to explain.”

“Just like I don’t care enough to listen. So, are we just going to leave her there?”

“Well, I’m not planning on leaving her. I don’t want to risk her getting hurt attempting spells she can’t cast just yet.”

He snorted. “This is Twilight we’re talking about. You couldn’t stop her if you tried. And I don’t really think there’s a spell that she can’t cast, other than maybe moving the sun or moon.”

“She uh… she wouldn’t actually try that, would she?” I mean, if Celestia and Luna are faking, Twilight trying to move one of the two might end up with an exploded Twilight.

“No, she respects the princess too much to try it.”

“Good. I’d hate to tell the princess her pupil exploded because she was trying a spell that was too hard.”

“Nav, unicorns don’t explode when they try too hard. They just can’t cast the spell.”

“Well that’s boring. So what do you want to do for a few hours until Twilight gets better?”

“Psh. I’m out, dude. See you later.” With that, he left.

“I hate babysitting,” I muttered.

“Then it’s a good thing there aren’t any babies here!” Pinkie shouted, jumping out of somewhere she shouldn’t have been able to be. She still scares the hell out of me when she does that.

“Pinkie, this is a library. No shouting.”

“Nav… This place never has any customers. I’ve seen three ponies check out books in this place, and I come in here to watch you sleep a lot.”

“That’s really creepy.”

“I know! I mean, why do we even have a library if no pony uses it? Doctor Whooves is the only pony I’ve seen come in here more than once. Now, where’s filly Twilight? I bet she’s so cute!”

I pointed to the blanket. “She’s not going to recognize you, though. It’s best to just l—”

Pinkie whipped the blanket off with a massive grin. She promptly went flying out the window that was still broken from me flying out it earlier. Twilight seemed to be having a panic attack.

I got down next to her as Pinkie jumped back inside. “That was so cool! Do it again, do it again!”

That just made Twilight freak out even more. I wrapped her in my arms, “Shh, Twilight. It’s okay. That’s just Pinkie.” Pinkie popped up right next to us, grinning like mad at Twilight.

“What’s wrong?” she said in a voice that was way too loud.

Twilight let off an adorable sound and huddled in my arms even more. I wrapped my wings around her to block Pinkie off, then pulled my head up. “Pinkie, Twilight is not good in social situations. You remember how she was when she first got here? She was worse as a filly. You’re scaring her.”

“P-shaw! She just needs a party!”

“No. She doesn’t. She needs to be left alone until the spell wears off. Get out, and tell the others not to visit either, unless they promise to leave her alone.”

“But—”

“Out, Pinkie.”

She gave an overly theatrical sigh that did nothing to move me. She slowly walked to the door and looked back with sad eyes until I was able to glare at her hard enough for her to get the message.

When she finally left, I lifted my wings. “She’s gone, Twilight. It’s okay now.”

She slowly poked her head out of my arms and gave a quick look around. When she was sure that no one was lurking, waiting to try to talk to her, she let me go. I released her and stood back up.

“Wow mister, you sure are tall.”

“Not as tall as Celestia, though. Have you met her?”

Twilight nodded her head. “Yeah, I’m her personal student! I’m going to be the best unicorn ever!”

“With as much as you seem to enjoy reading, it certainly seems that you might. If you need anything, just let me know.”

Just like that, her entire panic attack was over. She went back to reading, quick as you please. The blanket wasn’t completely over her, but she did wrap it around herself.

Pinkie was right, though. The library never did get used by just about anyone. Twilight kept records, and there were around fifty books checked out since I got here. Half were from Cheerilee, the town’s teacher. A few were from some stallion named Doctor Whooves, who never seemed to visit while I was here or awake. Derpy checked out a lot of really high level science stuff. Anatomy, physics, math, chemistry, all that good stuff—what little of it the ponies had, at least. Rainbow Dash checked out several crappy fiction books—I tried reading through some of the boring shit she checked out and I just gave up. Fluttershy got a few on animal anatomy. A few others came in and got some on gardening. That’s it.

Although I will happily admit that everyone that came in looking for something was able to find it very easily.

Since there was never any real work to be done involving the library other than cleaning, I busied myself with catching up on my journals. I was right here when there was a knock at the door.

I opened it to find Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, each wearing a massive smile. “Are you going to bother her?”

“Of course not, Nav!” Rainbow Dash said. “We wouldn’t do that.”

I swung my head to Fluttershy, who was still wearing a smile. She saw my dead eyes. Her smile slowly disappeared. She gulped and said, “W-w-well, we might say hi.”

“You can look at her, but don’t stare. Don’t talk to her. She’ll freak out and I’ll have to hold her again until you leave. Do we have an understanding?”

The both nodded. I let them in.

Color me surprised, but they both held to it. They did stare just a little bit, but Twilight was too absorbed by the book to notice. When they got done pretending to look around the library, they came back to me and let out some very quiet ‘squees.’

“She’s so cute!” Fluttershy whispered, glancing at Twilight occasionally.

“And she panics easily,” I said. “Go on now, you two. I got this covered.”

They both giggled and left, looking back a few times.

“You have weird friends, mister. I don’t think they’ve ever seen a filly before.”

“Yeah, they are weird. Doesn’t change that they’re my friends.” She didn’t even look up from her book.

Silence returned, aside from the sound of my quill scratching at the page and Twilight occasionally flipping a page with magic. I finished the journal thing and started working on instructions for all sorts of stuff. Bombs, weapons, generators, alcohol, drugs, anything I thought the ponies might one day need. I was planning on giving them all to Celestia when I couldn’t think of anything else to add.

If she was as wise as I thought she was, she would burn them without even looking at them.

Nearly an hour later Twilight finally said something. “I feel… funny.”

I looked up. “Good funny or bad funny?”

“I… don’t… know?” With each word, her voice changed. She was back to herself on the last one.

“About time,” I said. I returned to what I was writing.

“I was a filly!” she exclaimed, looking at herself wildly. “How did the spell hit me?”

I looked up. “Fuck if I know. It hit my body, spread out, stopped at my wings, and shot right back at you. Then you freaked out and threw me through a window.”

“I remember that, but… how?” Yeah, don’t even apologize for attacking me.

“Magic, that’s how. I don’t think a filly version of you could pick me up to throw me like that.”

“No! How did the spell do that?”

“It’s a simple telekinesis spell. How do you not know how that works?”

“I’M TALKING ABOUT THE YOUNGIFYING SPELL!”

“Sheesh, calm down. Do I need to put you in timeout?”

“Don’t make me throw you back out that window!”

“Oh, don’t worry. It’s already broken.” I stopped. She opened her mouth. “Because you threw me out it.” She closed her mouth. After a moment she opened it again. “And broke it with my back. You know, glass and blood everywhere.”

“Are you done?”

“It hurt pretty badly, too. Ruined a good shirt. Scared the piss out of some of the ponies outside. They thought I finally turned violent.”

“Now, can we get back to discussing the spell?” Fuck you too, Twilight.

“I don’t know what there is to discuss. You cast it. It hit me. It was rejected. It hit you. You turned into the most adorable filly I’ve ever seen that also happened to have a penchant for throwing innocent humans out windows.” And not so innocent ponies.

She blushed a bit at that. “You thought I was adorable?”

“Yeah. Your friends did too.”

“I remember them coming by. And I remember… you holding me. Protecting me from the pink demon.” That’s fitting, for Pinkie.

“So are you done with spell testing for today?”

She was silent for a moment, just looking at me. “I’m sorry for throwing you out the window, Nav. I know you’re not a monster, even if filly-me thought you were.”

“I got better. No worries. So. What now?”

She was silent again until she finally said, “I guess we should figure out why the spell didn’t work on you. You said it stopped at your wings?”

“Yeah. My guess is that it read all of my capabilities and body parts and it saw that I had something I have now that I didn’t have as a kid, and figured that it couldn’t make me younger.”

“That’s what I was thinking. The other possibility is that you didn’t exist in a world that had magic as a colt, and thus the spell didn’t have any reference frame for what you looked like. Either one seems possible.”

“Or it could just be a spell that isn’t intended to be used on someone else. Are you sure you read the book correctly?”

“This didn’t come from a book. This is one of the innate powers I seem to be getting. I’m almost positive it’s supposed to be used on somepony else.”

“Try one of the girls. They’re all from here. I suggest Pinkie Pie; she’ll be the easiest to keep in line as a filly.” Pinkie’s childhood life was very, very depressing. Apparently she didn’t know what a smile was until she got her cutie mark. She would be easy to handle.

“I suppose I owe her an apology anyway. She always likes testing spells like this. I can do both at once!” She looked outside and noticed that it was getting dark. “It’ll just have to be tomorrow. And I’m afraid you shouldn’t be anywhere near, just in case she reacts like I did.”

“Fair enough. I’m sure I can find something else to do.”

She looked down at the pile of stuff she had. “I suppose I should pick this mess up.” With a sigh, she got to it.

Such is life in Ponyville.

Special Christmas Chapter

The first Christmas I had in Equestria was spent alone. The girls and Spike went to a play or something and Twilight left me behind because she figured it would be a good way to prove to the townsponies that I wouldn’t go apeshit and attack them without guidance.

I’m not going to lie, I cried myself to sleep that night. I had been in Equestria for a few months at that time, but it didn’t strike me until then how truly alone I was. No family. The only friends I had were around me because they felt guilty or because they were helping Twilight. Ponies don’t even celebrate fucking Christmas; they have some bullshit holiday called Hearth’s Warming Eve where they celebrate the false start of Equestria. Twilight told me the story and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I found an extremely old history book that completely contradicted what she told me.

The real founding of Equestria had something to do with an insane mage and a near infinite winter. I had no idea what the fuck it was talking about because it went deep into magic theory and some parts of it were indecipherable, but I think that was closer to the truth than Twilight’s story.

But this isn’t the tale of my first Christmas, or of the founding of Equestria—though don’t tell Pinkie that, because she might correct you. No, this is the tale of how I accidentally became Santa on my second Christmas.

It started, as all good stories do, with too much alcohol. “Fuck Christmas,” I sighed, laying back on Rainbow Dash. We were drinking on top of a cloud. Was it a good idea? No. Did we care? We were drunk; take a guess.

“What the buck is Christmas?” she asked, passing the spiked eggnog to me.

“Human version of Hearth’s Warming Eve. It involves just as many lies but more free stuff.”

Her ears perked up at that. “Free stuff, eh? What’s that about?”

I waved a hand, incidentally brushing several snowflakes away from hitting me. “Long story short, some fat fuck called Santa gives presents to all the good children while all the bad children get coal. He flies around on a carriage pulled by flying reindeer, lands on roofs, goes down the chimney, and drops presents off. Of course, it’s just a—”

“That sounds super-duper fun!” Pinkie shouted at us, her head pushing up from the cloud we were lying on.

We both looked at her in horror. We were at least fifty yards in the air. “Where the hay did you come from?” Dash asked.

“I’m in my flying machine!” Pinkie answered.

Her flying machine has a rotor on it. Dash and I had time to share a look of pure terror before our cloud was destroyed, sending us falling to the ground. She caught herself much faster than I did, and I almost hit the fucking ground before my inebriated mind could turn my wings on to catch myself. Rainbow and Pinkie followed me to the ground.

“Let’s do it, Nav!” Pinkie shouted, jumping out of her machine and giving herself a mane cut since the rotors were still spinning.

“Do what?” I asked, trying not to puke my guts out from falling so far while drunk.

“Christmas! Just think of all the smiles we’d spread!”

I looked over at Dash. “Do I need to explain to you why my answer is no?”

She smirked. “Come on, Nav! As mopey as you’ve been, doesn’t this sound fun to you?”

“Now that you mention it… No. It doesn’t. We don’t have a sleigh, we don’t have reindeer, we don’t have a fat fucker, we don’t have presents, and we don’t have a jolly red suit with a furry red cap.”

“But we can GET all of those!” Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down in joy. “Hearth’s Warming Eve isn’t for another few days. That’s plenty of time!”

I crossed my arms. “We don’t have a way to get down chimneys. We don’t have a list of who’s been naughty or nice. Hell, I don’t even have a list of all the kids in Ponyville. And discounting all of what we don’t have, Santa isn’t real anyway. It’s just a story. What really happens is—”

“What are you three talking about?” Rarity asked, walking over to our little group. “It certainly sounds interesting.”

Pinkie stopped jumping in my face and started jumping in Rarity’s face instead. “Nav’s gonna become huge and fat and jolly and red and give presents to all the little colts and fillies while on a magical sleigh pulled by reindeer!”

“Pinkie dear, do you remember the conversation we had about having too much sugar?”

Pinkie scoffed, waving a hoof. “I’ve only had seven cupcakes today, Rarity.” How do you not have fucking diabetes? “Nav was just telling us all about it!”

“No, I was telling you how all of what I told you was a story made up by parents. There is not a fat fucker that rides a sleigh and gives presents to people. That would involve magic, and since there is no magic in my world that means it’s impossible.”

“What’s this about presents?” Twilight asked, walking up.

I crossed my arms and shouted, “Fluttershy, Applejack, you can come out now!”

A few seconds later we saw the two of them trotting up. “What’re you shouting about, Nav?” Applejack asked. “I was just on my way to the market, going to pass this way.”

Fluttershy quietly said, “And I’m coming from the market, passing this way.” She had a few bulging bags.

“Yeah. Right. Anyway, as I was saying—”

“What were you saying?” Applejack asked.

I glared at her. “If you’ll let me talk—”

Pinkie took a deep breath and I just face-palmed as she burst out, “Nav’s gonna become fat and jolly and red and old and give presents to all the little colts and fillies while jumping down into chimneys from a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer.”

Fluttershy and Applejack looked at each other and shrugged. AJ said, “Makes sense. You need any help? I think I got an old sleigh or something like it at the barn.”

“No!” I quickly said. “I’m not doing what Pinkie just said.”

“And I can make you a nice suit,” Rarity said, tapping her chin with a hoof and looking me up and down. “A fat suit might be a little much, though.”

“I CAN GET PRESENTS!” Pinkie shouted, eager to contribute somehow.

Dash grabbed Fluttershy and pulled her over with an arm around her shoulder. “Fluttershy and I can fly you!”

I crossed my arms yet again. “I still can’t fit down chimneys. Nor do I have the address of all the fillies and colts in Ponyville.”

Twilight spoke up. “I can teleport you, Nav. As long as we only stick to Ponyville, it shouldn’t be that hard. And for a chance to study more human culture… It’s worth it.”

I gently massaged my temples, my alcohol addled mind not taking this well. “Okay, let me put it this way: I’m not doing it.”

I was immediately confronted with Pinkie’s very, very sad face. “But Nav, think of all the little fillies and colts without Christmas presents!”

“Pinkie, I’m obviously too think to drunk. That’s how I got into this position, after all. Again, if you’ll let me explain—”

“Come on, Nav!” Dash said, standing on her hind legs and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. She waved her other hoof wide in front of us. “Just think about the stories they’ll tell about me flying Santa’s sleigh!”

I looked over at her. “Really?” I sighed. “That’s your attempt to get me to go with this?”

“Hey, Fluttershy’ll be there too!” she shouted, letting me go and falling back to all fours.

“Yes, and I’m sure she isn’t interested at all,” I said, looking at her.

She, however, had a different story. “It sounds really kind, Nav. Giving presents to everypony, I mean. I think it would be good for you.”

I gave her my most disappointed look. She answered with a sheepish smile, somehow making a little squee sound.

“So it’s settled,” Twilight said, taking charge. “Nav will act as Santa come Hearth’s Warming Eve. Pinkie, you get together a list of all the colts and fillies and foals and find their addresses if possible. Applejack, you paint your sleigh in Hearth’s Warming colors. Fluttershy and Rainbow, you go with Applejack and get some practice flying in sync with a sleigh. Rarity, you make a red suit for Nav. I’ll check with Princess Celestia to get permission in case anypony calls the guards on Nav.”

There was a chorus of affirmations as the group quickly disappeared, leaving me alone next to a flying machine, wondering what the fuck just happened.

I had a bad feeling, either way.

A few days later I was sitting in the back of a sleigh at Applejack’s barn, wondering why I had to open my big fucking mouth. Since Pinkie spent hours staring at me and begging me for more stories, Rainbow Dash had a shiny red nose and both Dash and Fluttershy had fake antlers. My suit was very close to the typical Santa suit. It was just missing about two hundred or so pounds of fat inside of it. Twilight was wearing a frankly adorable little green elf suit that fit her long ears very wonderfully. Pinkie was loading a large bag full of presents onto the sleigh. I told her how to wrap them.

“So why am I doing this again?” I wearily asked.

Twilight giggled and answered, “Because you’re too easy to push around.”

Fuck me. “Are you all ready?” I asked, eyeing the reigns.

Rainbow Dash had been stretching, giving me rather unwanted views of her lady parts. When I asked that she stood at some form of attention. “Yep! Just give the word, Nav.”

Fluttershy had been more subdued and careful with her stretches. “Whenever you’re ready,” she whispered.

“We’re all good in the back!” Pinkie yelled, jumping around making absolutely sure everything was good.

“I’m ready,” Twilight said with a nod.

I shrugged. “Then let’s do this. Normally Santa does this long chant to get us going, but since we only have two ponies, let’s do this.”

“Ah ah ah!” Twilight said before I could flick the reigns. “This is a human cultural event, Navarone. We have to do it by the book.” Everyone turned and looked at her, giving her a ‘what the fuck’ look.

I looked back to Dash. “Go.”

She bent down to take off, but Rarity screamed, “WAIIIIT!” Everybody froze as she trotted over to me and narrowed her eyes at a part of my costume. She reached a hoof out and pulled a string off me. “Loose string,” she said with a smile, backing away. “You can continue.”

I looked back to Dash to tell her to go, but Twilight kicked my shin. “Do the chant, Nav!” she whined.

“Well shoot,” Applejack said, stepping forward. “You got me interested now. Might as well go through with it.”

I sighed, my wings sagging. “A prelude, first: These are the names of the reindeer Santa uses. Here’s the chant: Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!” Fluttershy and Dash were looking at me strangely. “That means go,” I sighed.

Dash grinned and started running forward, dragging Fluttershy along for a second before she picked up the running spirit. After a few meters, they started flapping their wings, slowly pulling us into the air.

As Twilight told me before, we wouldn’t be able to actually land on the rooftops because none of them were big enough runways to fly off. So the two would fly over houses and circle around them while Twilight teleported me inside. I’d drop the gift off as quickly and quietly as possible and hope to high heaven no one was awake in the room I teleported to.

Our first stop was Sweetie Belle, who was staying with Rarity. Since we knew she was asleep—or, according to Rarity, “If she isn’t asleep I’ll make sure she never stays up past eight again!”—we didn’t think she would be any problem.

She wasn’t. We dropped off her new microphone very easily. Scootaloo was also not a problem, and received her new scooter wheels with a smile on her sleepy face.

Diamond Tiara got coal. But since Pinkie didn’t want a frown on anypony’s face, she also got a hoof-made tiara from Rarity. Silver Spoon also got coal, but she also get a set of silver spoons from… somewhere.

Featherweight got some new lenses for his camera. Pipsqueak got a Luna doll. Pound and Pumpkin got some assorted baby toys. I have no idea what Snails got, but it was book shaped—it was news to me if that retard knew how to read. Snips got a hair grooming kit. I want to say Twist got a way to cure her terrible lisp, but instead she got a fuckton of candy. Spike got a massive gem.

When I was teleported into Derpy’s house to drop Dinky’s gift off, I heard a very feminine scream. I swung around, my hands raised as I backed away. Derpy immediately calmed down when she saw me. “Oh hi Nav! Want some cookies and milk?”

“What the fu—Sure.” She gave me a plate with some cookies on it.

“I don’t know why, but I just had the urge to bake cookies tonight. I was about to set them out on the table for Dinky in the morning, but then you showed up!”

“Huh. And the milk?” She had a glass of that out as well.

She shrugged. “I was going to leave that out too.”

“And it wouldn’t go bad?” She gave me her signature derp look of ‘I don’t even know what’s going on right now.’ I shrugged and said, “Thanks for the cookies, Derpy. Here, give this to Dinky tomorrow.”

“Okay Nav!” I teleported away as I set the gift on the table.

I passed Twilight a cookie as we flew off to our next mark. “What’s with the cookie?” she asked as she nibbled.

“Derpy,” was my only answer. A light of recognition went off in her eyes and she didn’t ask anything else.

And so the night went. Derpy was the only one that was awake when I teleported in. I think there were upwards of thirty or forty kids that we delivered things to before we made our final stop off at Applejack’s farm. I was teleported into Apple Bloom’s room and dropped off her new tiny toolset.

The deal was that they would land while I went out the window or front door, so that’s what I did. I quietly creaked the window open and jumped out, standing on the roof while I closed her window quietly. Then I flew over to where they were waiting on me.

Rainbow Dash was already uncoupled from the sleigh and was helping Fluttershy get out of her harness. Twilight was checking and rechecking her list of presents and ponies. Applejack was checking over the sleigh and making sure it was alright. Rarity was fussing over Twilight’s outfit. Pinkie was jumping around asking the three of them how it went.

Fluttershy managed to get unstuck the moment I landed, falling ass first into a snowdrift. Dash and I hauled her out.

“Sleigh’s alright,” AJ said, walking to the main group.

“And everypony’s accounted for,” Twilight added, stepping down from the sleigh.

“And your outfits are RUINED!” Rarity whined, being her typical overdramatic self.

“Are all the little fillies and colts going to smile tomorrow?” Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down in my face.

I shrugged. “Fuck if I know. They better, after I got drafted into this shit. Now, I’m going to bed.”

“Not just yet you’re not,” Twilight told me, grinning. “There’s one more present left.”

I crossed my arms. “This is very, very cliché,” I broke in. “The next words out of your mouth are going to be, ‘We all know how much you really didn’t want to do this, so we got together and decided you should be rewarded!’ And then you’re going to give me something and I’m going to smile and say thank you and you’re going to spout out some Aesop and get Spike to send a letter when he wakes up.”

They all shared looks before Twilight said, flabbergasted, “How did you do that?”

“My grandmother liked Hallmark movies. What did you get me?”

Pinkie produced a small box out of nowhere and passed it to me. I tore the paper off—because that’s how you’re fucking supposed to open a present, grandmothers everywhere. When I opened the box up, I found a very fancy picture frame that had a group picture of me, the girls, and Spike.

I couldn’t help a smile, even though I knew it was extremely cheesy. “Since you ruined my line,” Twilight said, “let me remind you that you are included and that you are one of our friends. You may not be on Earth among others like you, but that doesn’t mean you have to be alone, Nav. You have friends that like you and ponies that you can make smile.”

I nodded, my smile growing. “I guess so, Twilight.”

I was going to continue, but Pinkie jumped in. “GROUP HUG ON NAV!” I was quickly surrounded by warm and fluffy ponies wrapping their forelegs around me and each other.

So what if I don’t have family? Maybe I can make do with what I do have.

Author's Notes:

Thank Romaniamiam for this.

Chapter Fifteen—No good deed goes unpunished

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/11NNnuEI6Nm71wctjUtAAULDYN_YqqshGXg3KE-oFzpA/edit

A few weeks later, to show that even in winter I can’t get a break, a letter from Princess Celestia arrived. It wasn’t a particularly nice letter, either: It detailed her knowledge about what happened at the naga camp, though not her sources for such knowledge.

It was a summons to Canterlot. There wasn’t a fan in my world large enough to contain the shit I thought was about to hit.

The letter detailed that it would be in my best interest to accompany the guard that was coming the next day to pick me up, and that not doing so would be a rather large mistake. I was very tempted to cheese it, but if she knew what happened with the naga camp, what else did she know?

So I made my excuses the following day and went with the guard she sent for me. I could have done a lot, but I figured there were several good excuses I could use to get out of any punishment. I’m somewhat decent at getting out of things, when I really need to be.

I did make a decided point not to bring any manner of weapons with me, though. Those could only hurt my defense. I also brought the journal entries relevant to the issues, as the only hard evidence I had with me. Yes, they painted my guilt, but I wasn’t planning on using them unless the situation was dire.

When we got to the palace, I was escorted under heavy guard to the same fucking sitting room I ended up at every time I went to this palace. I was seriously starting to hate that fucking sitting room, and I think Celestia was doing it on purpose. I mean, this palace was pretty big; surely there were more rooms in it.

I was looking out the window, contemplating escape, when Celestia came in. “Navarone, why do you think I summoned you here?” she asked in a neutral voice.

Without turning, I said, “I can think of a few reasons. You want all of them, or just the ones that you’d like?”

“By all means, tell me your thoughts.”

“There is almost certainly going to be a trial of sorts. What happens there, though, is what I’m debating on. One is that you are pissed for what I did, and will seek to condemn me for it. Probably a harsh sentence; I would ask for death if that is the case, unless exile is on the floor.”

“The other reasons?”

I turned. “You want something. You stand to gain from this. From the slaughter of the naga, you learned my potential uses. I could be pressed into service as an agent of the state, dealing with… ‘unpleasant’ problems. Or the trial could be a sham, something you were forced into doing by your spymaster who reported it in the first place; you couldn’t possibly condone something like that in your territory, but at the same time you don’t want to condemn me for doing what was probably right, so you’ll hold a trial and call me innocent. Or the trial is an example to Luna, to show her the unrepentant murderer I truly am. Depending on her reactions to the trial, my fate might differ; I could end up free, exiled, dead, imprisoned, or pressed into service.”

“Anything else?”

“You just wanted to see me again, and didn’t have a good reason to summon me to the palace.”

“If I ever wanted to see you, I wouldn’t need a good reason to summon you. Wanting to see you would be reason enough.”

I just shrugged and waited. She continued, “All of those are decent reasons, though I doubt I’d have to press you too hard to get you to do a few favors for me. I don’t have to deal with legal issues when it comes to having somepony arrested; I could just tell the guards to take you away.”

“You could, but you wouldn’t.”

“If there was a big enough threat to Equestria, I could and would.”

“Which means that either you don’t consider me a threat or that this is a false trial. And one probably means the other.”

“You think too much.”

“No, but when I do think, I plot. If you gave me a few days, I could come up with a foolproof plan to take you down unseen, have Luna installed as the only princess, and control her through her love for me. I’m just not ambitious enough to want to do that, nor would I be an overly good leader.”

“Killing me would have more consequences than you could possibly imagine. This world runs because I live. Luna could not take on all that responsibility or power herself, even with you controlling her.”

“Yeah, and that’s the other reason I don’t do it. I have no idea what you know, or what fail safes you have in place.”

“Is there any reason I shouldn’t have you thrown in a dungeon for what you did to the naga? Or your threat to me?”

I gave her the journal entries. “Read through those, if you want. If you don’t want to do that, I’ll try to explain. Or I could do both.”

She spent some time reading through the journal. “Your mind is twisted, Navarone,” was the first thing she said, and then spent some time thinking. “I did not know all of this, about the naga. I will have to send a representative to talk with them.”

“I would really rather you didn’t. A lot of my backup plans involve them.”

“That is something else we need to discuss. There is a lot I think I need to talk about, concerning this.” Here we go… “First, don’t think you can ever disappear to a place I can’t find you. When you teleport somepony once, you can teleport them from anywhere. It just takes more energy the farther away they are. At the peak of day, I have enough energy to bring you here from anywhere on the planet, even if I wouldn’t be able to move well for the next week. And with Luna helping me, I could probably rip you from anywhere. Including back on your Earth, if you somehow got back there.” Oh, shit. “Second, you need to stop letting ponies break laws concerning you. Kidnapping is illegal, and is now yet another crime against you I’ll have to pretend didn’t happen. Third, what kind of creepy questions did those naga ask you, and how were you able to answer them?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, I do. Answer me.”

I started telling a lie, but then her horn started glowing. “By the way, after reading that journal entry, I cast a lie-detecting spell. Don’t plan on lying to me in any more of our conversations.” Son of a bitch.

“How does that spell work?”

“Magic.”

“How does it detect a lie? Does it read some physical or emotional response from me?”

“Magic. Answer my question.”

“No.” It took a lot more courage than I would have liked to say that.

“After all this, you still don’t trust me?”

“Some crimes can’t be ignored.”

“Which is why they must be reported. Who did it? Did Luna somehow sneak out?”

“It was not Luna. That is all I will say on that.”

“You are going to be wonderful to have on my staff in a few years, you know that?”

“If I’m still alive.” Or sane.

“Oh, no, you’re not allowed to die. If I thought you would accept it, I would keep you here in Canterlot as a pony until Luna was freed.”

“Speaking of which, you are still doing your best to get her to not love me, right? Have you managed to find any suitable male ponies for her to love instead?”

“The goal isn’t to replace her love, it’s to stop her from loving. Down that way lies nothing but pain, for those such as her and I.” Her eyes were downcast for a moment, before she looked up again. “But yes, I am at least trying to get her to forget you. It… isn’t working.”

“At least next year I won’t be at the Gala.”

“I don’t know… you were the star attraction at the last one, and definitely provided plenty of entertainment for me.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Fleur is waiting for the rogue Egill to appear again, ready for revenge. Which he won’t,” I said to her thoughtful expression. “Now, how are we going to deal with the naga problem?”

“To be quite honest, the plan was a mix of two of those you said: To get Luna to see you as a murderer and to force you into a task for repentance. But after reading your journal and your reasoning, I am forced to admit that a trial would be stupid. Which reminds me. What is,” she bent to look over the journal again, “…Kristallnacht?”

I grimaced. “It was a night of extreme intolerance displayed by one ethnic group against another back on my world. Several people called Jews were assaulted or killed, arrested, and had their homes and businesses destroyed. In this respect, it would be where one group planned to systematically and quietly kill everyone in the other group in the night.”

“And you honestly think that is what would have happened?”

“Given what I know of the naga people, I think it probably would have.”

“Good enough for me. And I know I can’t call you unrepentant, because you were definitely vocal in here about how bad you felt by doing it. Didn’t stop you, of course… I think you mentioned something before, about Nuremberg Laws, which covered this?”

“If someone orders you to break the law and you do it, you can’t hide behind the excuse ‘I was only following orders.’ We can do this farce of a trial if you want, but you will gain no support by anyone in the court from it, especially if you declare me guilty but fail to lock me up. And declaring me innocent would be tantamount to saying genocide is okay as long as it’s against your enemies. I killed noncombatants. Accidentally, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

“You aren’t making me feel any better about not giving you a trial.”

“You already told me my sentence: A task. But you have not yet said what this task will be.”

“Remember: You don’t have an option here. It is this or prison.” This is sounding better and better. “There has been a… problem, I suppose is the best word, across the ocean. It is not something I can ignore. But it also is not safe over there, even for me, not where this happened. I will be leading a contingent of guards across the ocean to attempt to restore order. But none of them have any combat experience. You are to accompany me and Twilight as our bodyguard. She already knows, of course, but none of her friends do yet. We will be gone for around a year, probably.”

“What happened? Was there a rebellion?”

“No, nothing as bad as that. A few incursions from other races, but nothing too bad, until now. The real problem is the drought. Food is hard to grow there, and we can only ship so much from here to there. Twilight and I are going to use our magic to help make rain, since so many ponies are starving. It is not a new problem, but one that was exacerbated by increasing incursions from hostile creatures. That’s why we’re bringing guards. Before, we could at least distribute the food we sent over evenly. Now, though, our relief shipments are being disrupted. Your job is simple: Protect us. The soldiers will take care of everything else.”

“Why can’t the guards guard you?” You know, like their name implies.

“Because you are available and some guards have to stay here. I don’t have many of them, so I have to use them carefully. You are also probably more effective as a fighter than many of them, anyway.” She apparently didn’t realize my fighting skills were basically shooting and running away.

I contemplated running again, but I wouldn’t get too far before I was either dragged back or teleported back. Besides, if she was telling the truth about what would happen if she died, it would be a good idea to protect her. Dammit. It’s not like anyone wants to hurt her anyway, right? “When do we leave?”

Pretty damn soon, as it turned out. I was carried back to Ponyville and given two days to prepare.

Now, this may be a personal bias from back home, but when I found out that our destination was the Middle East, I freaked a bit. I grabbed every crossbow bolt I could find, the tools to make more, and every other weapon I had. I went down to the nearest pig farm and got some pig bones to wear as charms—I know that’s stereotyping and probably wasn’t even relevant, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I also got some more alcohol to replace that I lost or drank.

I knew there wouldn’t be much room for me on whatever ship we took, so I did make sure to travel relatively light, even if we would be gone for a year. I grabbed some spare clothes, enough material to keep me writing for a while, something I could hopefully use as a honing stone for my knife, the fire strikers, that brown cloak that seems to follow me everywhere, rubber bands for my hair, and my gloves. I felt ready to kick all kinds of ass.

Of course, it wasn’t as simple as just packing up and leaving. No, when you have friends, leaving is never so easy. Spike was going with us as Twilight’s assistant, so saying goodbye to him wasn’t an issue.

Rarity was no trouble to me, since we never got along that well anyway. We pretended for Twilight’s sake, and there was no animosity there, but we were just too different to get along easily. Applejack wasn’t that hard, as she was usually at the farm and I didn’t know her as well as the others. The still incident drove a bit of a rift between us as well, even though it wasn’t my fault.

Rainbow Dash was surprisingly hard. After she got over the whole selfishly almost getting me killed thing, we grew pretty tight, and me getting wings brought that bond even closer. She was probably the pony that was most similar to me, as well; we both were more fond of actions than words. It got us into plenty of trouble, as well.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were outright troublesome to say goodbye to. The three of us grew into great friends during the dance lessons, and our experiences with the naga brought us even closer. The honing rock was actually one of Pinkie Pie’s mementos from her early days at the farm, given to me as a parting gift, even though I was planning to come back.

Fluttershy was probably the saddest to see me go, for some reason. For the one that was most afraid of me when I got here, she sure changed her mind about me for some reason. Opposites attract, I suppose, though we weren’t as opposite as she thought. At heart I was a coward; I just knew how to hide it better.

But goodbyes aside, leaving wasn’t that difficult. Ponyville was a nice little town if you were normal, but just a place to live if you weren’t. Everyone was friendly but cold to me, even after a year. I understood, of course; somehow a rumor spread that I was responsible for the explosion and fire at Applejack’s place, even though I was miles away at the time. Aside from a few friends and the naga, there was nothing for me in Equestria.

We traveled by train to where our fleet was docked, in a place that I shit you not was called Manehattan. I drew several glances my way; it is not every day you see a cloaked, hooded figure wielding an uncertain-looking chunk of wood walking on two legs and with a purpose behind the eternal princess of the realm, followed by a decent-sized contingent of guards. Most of the stares were reserved for Celestia, of course, and many watched the guards, but I saw more than a few on me.

I smiled when I saw our ships. They were an odd contrast to the tall buildings around me, given that they were all old wooden ships, large and unwieldy, with massive furled sails atop tall wooden masts. Netting dotted the rigging of the ships, though I don’t know how a pony would go about climbing it. Hooves can only do so much, after all.

In case you couldn’t tell the truth from the lies in these journals, I absolutely love the ocean and sailing. Now, I hate the beach, but I love the ocean. Odd how that works, but whatever.

“So, which of these boats is ours?” I asked Twilight, who was walking beside me and Spike.

“The big one,” she answered, nodding to what was in fact the largest one there. Why am I not surprised?

“If I’m supposed to be protecting you, I want it known that any enemy will be suspecting the biggest boat and the smallest boat to be containing the princess.”

“Nopony will be attacking us,” she assured me. “You’re just there in case we need any leg work done, or we need your hands.”

I looked at Celestia’s back. I didn’t buy Twilight’s explanation, though I wouldn’t doubt that I would be doing my share of grunt work. I had a feeling that I was here for a reason, something Celestia knew I could do that ponies probably couldn’t.

When we got to the cabin I was sharing with Spike, I dropped my heavy pack, muttering obscenities about the heaviness of it; I didn’t pack much, but in my experience, every suitcase you bring from home seems heavier than the ones you bring back.

“Really, Nav, I don’t know why you bother wearing so many clothes. No pony would know the difference,” Spike said.

“They wouldn’t, but I would,” I assured him. “Besides, you have scales and don’t have to worry about sunburns or extreme cold. If this Middle East is anything like the one where I came from, there will be a lot of sun and a lot of heat, and sunburns will be commonplace until I build up a nice tan or I start wearing clothing over everything.”

“Psh. Why are you the most dangerous species ever, again?”

“Vehemence mixed with intelligence. Or perhaps that’s backwards. Either way, every single human is at least a little bit insane, and can completely turn off empathy if they need to. For most people, that is an automatic thing, but some people can turn it off whenever and some people never have it on at all.” He just shook his head.

I didn’t bother unpacking, but rather went to see Celestia’s commencement speech to the people of Manehattan and the guards that didn’t have duties. It was the usual crap about helping those less fortunate than ourselves, a mission of peace, restoring order, yada yada. I suppose it was a nice speech, but I’m too jaded by human politicians to believe half of what is said to a crowd.

Her crowd seemed to have no such compunctions. There was plenty of cheering and clopping of hooves to go around after it. I just shook my head from the perch I had found on a nearby building, and then jumped off, spread my wings, and coasted back to the ship. We left a few hours after that, when the last relief supplies were loaded.

I feel like any good story needs someone who was seasick on the long voyage and someone that made disparaging but kind hearted remarks to that bitter sick person, but that wasn’t really the case here. Spike started getting sick, but Twilight healed him before I could make any jokes. Besides, this isn’t a story and you shouldn’t be reading it anyway… you dick.

Twilight spent her time studying the sea as well as she could from the ship. There were a few species she could see, and she made what notes she could, but there wasn’t all that much else for her to do. I suppose she studied some magic with Celestia, for I often saw them together near the back of the main ship. I also often saw her with the captain of the guard that was with us, and I figured they knew each other from back when Twilight used to live in Canterlot.

Most of my time was spent on the smallest ship of the fleet, just feeling the sea mist and wind in my face as we sped to our destination borne on winds both natural and magic-made. It was a glorious feeling, to get back to the ocean. It was something that I could honestly relate to from my old life, and if I closed my eyes and just felt the wind, mist, and shifting of the deck beneath my feet I could pretend I was still home, on my way to a dive spot, with family and friends just a few meters behind me.

I carried Spike with me one day on that trip, when he asked what I did all day. He wasn’t impressed that I was just standing there with a stupid smile on my face, and he didn’t wait too long before leaving me to talk to the ponies around the ship until I took him back. Aside from that one day, I don’t know what else he did; I rarely saw him scuttling about on the main ship.

On the third day, once land was nothing but a memory, all the sailor ponies started a song. It was a typical sailor song, something about searching foreign ports for exotic women and being at home only on the sea, and if there had been any mention of alcohol or treasure I could have closed my eyes and pretended I was listening to a pirate song from back home. Thankfully, this one seemed relegated to the sailors and some of the guards; I wasn’t tempted at all to join in on it.

What time of mine wasn’t spent on the smaller ship was spent locked in a planning cabin with Celestia, Twilight, and a captain of the guard, some surfer dude named Shining Armor.

The first words out of his mouth upon seeing me in the meetings were “What is he doing here?” He had a typical jock voice that made me want to punch him, but I withheld my hands; he would probably beat me bloody even without his magic.

I shrugged and turned to go, but Celestia called me back. “In terms of politics, Navarone is about as dangerous as I am. In terms of combat and war, he knows more than you do. He has several thousand years of history of warfare to pull his knowledge from, and knows all manner of tactics. In terms of a personal bodycount, he has more kills than most ponies I know of that are alive today.” Not all of that was true, but I wasn’t about to dispute her.

Shining Armor understandably resented her rebuking of him, even though it wasn’t so much against him as it was about me. I tried to make it a bit better: “Don’t think I’m here to replace you, Captain. Your men wouldn’t follow me and I have no ambitions anyway. I don’t know the disposition of your troops, anything about the politics in the area, the enemy we face, or the people we’re going to help. I’ll answer questions if I think I can help and point out flaws I see in plans.”

Twilight smiled. “Don’t worry about it, brother.” Oh, that explains some things. I mean, I had just been living with Twilight for nearly a year now. Even if she didn’t tell me she had family, I’m sure she told her family about me at least sometimes. I could understand why a brother might not like the guy his sister has been living with for a while.

Anyway, he looked a little less displeased after hearing that, and the true planning began. The enemy we were facing were apparently cat people that were getting pushed out of Egypt for some reason and into the Middle East. Twilight’s suggestion was a fact-finding mission to Egypt to figure out what was going on and to see if we could stop it. But that would involve sending an uncertain number of ponies into an uncertain situation against an uncertain enemy. We didn’t know if ponies would be automatically killed by whoever saw them or what, so we tabled that.

Shining Armor’s suggestion was launching assaults against the cat people and pushing them back to the Suez Canal, where we would draw a demarcation line and try to settle with the leaders of the cat people for a demilitarized zone. That was impossible for several reasons. The simplest was that we simply didn’t have enough troops. That area is small on a map but massive in life, with plenty of caves and mountains to hide in and around. Fighting might be necessary, but you couldn’t possibly hope to fight an up front and personal war in terrain like that. We would be relegated to wandering the land and trying to get lucky by finding an enemy camp, or waiting for a strike and retaliating with extreme prejudice.

I suggested diplomacy. There were problems with that, of course: We didn’t know much about the cat people. We didn’t know what kind of leaders they had, what their grievances were, if we’d offend them, or if we would make ourselves look weak if we offered to talk. I mean, it might be possible to coexist with them, but we simply didn’t know.

In the end, we decided a mix, of sorts. Because we didn’t know how anything in Egypt would react to a pony, we decided to send me and Spike in on a fact finding mission of sorts. The reasoning for Spike was that of all the sapient species anyone in the cabin knew about, they almost all respected or feared dragons. With him, I could actively send messages back to Celestia, and receive new instructions if needed.

The reasoning for me was that I could easily pretend to be a mercenary again, as they hear all manner of news. Since no one knew what I was, I probably wouldn’t be killed on sight. Probably. I was not overly pleased to hear that I would be risking my life on something like that, but whatever. Such is life in Ponyland, at least for me.

Depending on the information we brought back, we would either try to strike a deal with the cat people or be forced to fight them. A small ship would be anchored offshore, while Spike and I flew in. The rest of the fleet would continue on to the Middle East in an effort to spread hope and food as they could.

Twilight was not eager to send Spike into the unknown like that, and tried to get him to tell Celestia he was afraid, but he just saw it as a big adventure. Even after making it absolutely clear that I was in charge and that this was a pretty serious matter, he still seemed pretty down with it.

After several weeks of traveling, we arrived off the coast of Egypt. My ship dropped anchor, allowing the rest to continue on. I mentally reviewed my list of instructions:

Pretending to be a mercenary, infiltrate their society. Learn what’s causing the hostile migration of the cat people. Learn about the cat people culture. Learn if they can be reasoned with. If at all possible, stop the migration (fat chance). Learn what trade goods or bribes could be used on them. If necessary, return to the ship off coast for extraction. It will wait there for one (1) month. If there is no news from you in that time, it will move on to the Middle East, and you will be forced to rendezvous with the rest on your own.

If, of course, we were still alive.

I left a letter with Twilight, to be opened and read if I never came back. Not if she didn’t hear word from me, but if Celestia confirmed by magical means that I was dead. I won’t detail in here what was in it, but it basically asked her to find some way to send my journals home. It also gave my real name and the address to write on the cover of the journals, in case she couldn’t send them directly home.

We were given plenty of bits to bribe information out of whomever we needed and sent on our way. I carried my weapons, some alcohol, my cloak, the firestarters, and Spike. Everything else was left behind; much of it could be replaced in Egypt, I was hoping. Surely a bipedal, intelligent cat race would wear some kind of clothing I could use. I rode the ocean winds in as far as I could, but I had to give a finishing spurt of manpower; the ship was anchored a ways offshore.

No matter what species is dominant in a given area, if they’re intelligent, they will be attracted to the ocean. It can be used for trade, food, travel, and exploration. With that in mind, we set off to look for a port city. I had the cloak on over my wings, and I was already despising the climate. After just a few minutes in the sun, I had to take the thing off; I didn’t care if the people here saw my damn wings, I just couldn’t take the heat. Not like they knew what humans were anyway.

We had been traveling for a few hours by the time we saw glints of light in the distance. Now, I had long had a feeling that we were being watched, but every time I looked either into the desert or into the water I couldn’t see anything or anyone. No one approached us as we made our way to the city, so I was assuming we would be admitted into the city if nothing else.

We were. And in that, we got our first glimpse at the dominant people here: Cats. To be quite honest, we were all thinking that the cats were being pushed out by a force that was attacking them, but this proved otherwise. And then I saw what I presumed was the reason so many were moving: Gibbets were erected on the wall, and on them were hung prisoners, each with the crime of ‘treason’ marked above them.

Upon asking a guard, he snarled, “Escaped slaves.”

I nodded to myself and helped a visibly sickened and frightened Spike along. We both got a lot of looks from the people here, but none of them said anything. There were plenty of other foreigners in the city, due to its port status: dog people, a small group of naga, a massive elephant, zebras, and even a few ponies were some of what we saw just in our first jaunt into the city.

“Nav…” Spike suddenly croaked, “there were bodies out there!” Referring to the walls, no doubt.

“Yeah. We all told you this wasn’t an adventure. Welcome to a brand new culture.” He sobered quite a bit after that, and didn’t talk again for a while. I’m inured to all manner of grisly sights, due to my unnatural amount of time spent on the internet. The smells got to me a bit, but I was mostly used to it from hunting.

Meanwhile, I was trying to find any manner of tavern or bar or someplace I could find some manner of work or news. That this was a slave culture wasn’t entirely surprising, but I needed to know more before I sent a preliminary report.

We passed a bar that seemed to cater exclusively to equine guests, and Spike tried to get me to go there, but I pulled him away. “People will see where we go and who we mix with. We need news from these people, and possibly a job or two to build trust. Ponies won’t help us with that.” That was the reason I gave him, at least. The real reason, though, was that I actually saw those ponies when we passed them. He saw ponies and was rejoicing, but I looked into their eyes and at some of their ‘cutie’ marks.

These were not the ponies we were used to. I joked a few months ago about getting a tramp stamp cutie mark, thinking it was impossible. It wasn’t.

When we found a tavern that catered to travelers of all types, I coaxed Spike inside. I took one look at the inside of the place and realized that I had made a pretty serious mistake: This place was seedy as fuck. Leaving would have been a bigger mistake, though; I could see a few dog people gripping knives and looking at me, wondering if I would make an easy mark. I said a silent prayer and pulled Spike to an empty table.

We weren’t alone for long. A female slave cat walked up to take any order we had. I pulled out a bit and said, “Clean water for us both. Food, if you have anything we can eat.”

She looked dubiously at the gold. “Be careful about flashing that around too much, traveler. Too much pony money means you’re a pony lover, and that isn’t always a good thing to be, here.” With that bit of advice, she grabbed the bit and walked away. Soon after she left, one of the two dog people from before sidled up to our table.

“My friend and I,” he said, “would like to know what you are. He thinks you’re a bastard shaved cat and pegasus pony mix. I think you’re an ugly mutant.”

“You’re closer to the mark,” I said. “I’m newly arrived in town and looking for work.” I was tempted to be insulted at his remark, but I honestly didn’t feel like risking my luck against someone that probably got in fights for a living.

“A mercenary, huh? Is there a lot of work for you over in Equestria?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh? Your little friend there looks like someone who might,” he said, eying Spike, who perked up at the mention of Equestria.

“He’s young. He is always looking for more stories of fabled lands.” Stories he probably won’t be able to find if he gets us killed. Spike at least had the brains to look abashed at my rebuke.

“Keep his curiosity on a leash. It does not do well to speak of such things here.”

“Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep that in mind.” So much for dragons being respected. The dog fellow gave us one more appraising look, and then walked back to his friend.

When the waitress brought us food, I took a guess at something. They wouldn’t kill us. Dragons might not be respected, but killing one would get the guard all over them in a second. I immediately swapped our glasses of water. Of the two of us, I was obviously the warrior, and anyone that wanted to get at us would knock me out instead of him. And on the off chance I woke up, they’d want him awake to be used as a hostage. I was tempted to swap the food, but that would be more noticeable.

And when I took bite of the peppered… meat… in front of me, I found the reason they’d put something in the water: That shit was spicy as hell.

Spike looked at his plate dubiously. “Navarone, I don’t eat meat.”

“Yes you do. You’ve just never had it before. Trust me.”

I could tell he still didn’t want to try it, but after further guidance he slowly took a bite. The fire that lit in his eyes was all I needed to know that he really never did have meat. What the hell kind of dragon doesn’t eat meat? Those ponies are cruel.

In the middle of our odd meal, the barkeep came by our table. He was a mongrel cat called Amir. “I heard you say you were a mercenary. What kind of jobs you looking for?”

“Anything that pays well. News will also be welcome. I didn’t know there was a slave revolt here recently.” I pushed my uneaten food to Spike, who finished it off with relish. I don’t do spicy, not when I have a choice.

“Yes, the crazy fools thought they could try overthrowing the system here. They tried to get as many foreigners on their side as possible. A few ponies threw in their lot with them, but none of the rest bothered. Slave revolts never go anywhere, and why would they? Most are content with their lot. They’re fed, clothed, and quartered. All they have to do is work.”

“It is not for me to question how other people are governed. I’m just here for the work, or news if there is none to be had.”

“You’re in luck, stranger. A caravan is heading south for Catro in three days. They’re looking for more guards; with some slaves still fighting, there are plenty of bandits loose in the area.”

“What’s the pay? And what kind of supplies will we need to bring?”

“The pay is good salt, depending on how the trip goes. Standard guard fare if you encounter no trouble. Bonuses for defending well in attacks. Food and weapon repairs will be provided, if needed.”

“Where can I find the merchant for this job?”

“A representative of his will be in the bazaar tomorrow, calling for warriors. The representative is a pony named Anton, with a mark of hooves on his side.” Cutie mark of hooves? Fucking brawler.

“I will look into it. How much for a room for the night?”

“Your gold covers it. Despite being pony printed, it is still good here, and it goes farther than most other currencies.”

“I don’t suppose it would also cover a nice, long cord? Forgive me for being paranoid, but I don’t trust the look of some of your other… patrons.” With a glance to the two dogs. I looked back to the cat. “Until my business here is done, I’m afraid we cannot run.” I snapped my fingers somewhat sadly.

“They’re all bark and no bite. Just don’t leave the inn until tomorrow, and you should be f—” Before he could finish, Spike collapsed, dead asleep. “Oh.”

“Tell your waitress not to turn her back on drinks before she delivers them.”

“I will beat that lesson into her! You will be compensated for what almost happened, mercenary.”

“No, friend. It is the result of being a stranger in a strange land. I have suffered worse since I began my work.” When I looked at where the dog people were, I saw they had left rather quickly. “You might do well to hire a bouncer, though.”

“Hmph. Most of those are just as big of brutes and as dishonest as those two that just left. I will hold off the beating since you asked, stranger, but I will not let you go unpaid. I will send the slave that let this happen to your room tonight, and let you do what you would with her.”

My wings twitched at that. It was an interesting prospect, but not one I was planning on accepting. As far as I was concerned, any sex with a slave was tantamount to rape. “No, I’m afraid my mercenary code would not let me accept that. I do not ever accept sex as a payment. It is unprofessional and dangerous. If you really feel the need to repay me, get me that cord I mentioned, and tell me where I can find some good desert clothes before I leave. Preferably something I could use to hide my wings but could remove easily.”

“Why would you want to hide such beautiful instruments?”

“I’ve run into people that would refuse to hire me because I was a flier, but had no compunctions when meeting me without knowing I had wings. And it pays to not let your enemies—or friends, sometimes—know what your abilities are.”

“You have been at this business for some time, I would say.”

“Something like that.” More like reading an assload of books. He clapped his hands, and said something in a very clipped voice that I could barely understand to the slave woman that appeared. She bustled off.

“You will have your cord before you retire for the night. Do you have any preference of rooms?”

“Something on the top floor, with either a window or roof access. A good lock will be a bonus.”

He had a slave show me to the room I would be using. I was carrying Spike. The room had a single bed, something I was expecting, and a ladder leading to a trapdoor on the roof. I was pleased with that. Thieves, I could deal with; I was leaving nothing in this room but clothes and Spike, and thieves typically don’t murder. The lock on the door was enough to last until I could make a trap.

When the slave came back, she had a cord and some desert style clothes for me. I set aside the cord and tried to figure out how to put the damn clothes on. The slave girl smiled in mirth at my confusion before chipping in. A few of her touches lingered on uncomfortable places, and I could sense there was more to her mirth than she let on. But I didn’t press the issue and she didn’t say anything about it.

With her help, though, the clothes went on much easier. I was at a loss with how to cover my wings, though; the rags I was covered with didn’t do much for that. Then she gave me a light-weight cape.

When we were finished, she gave me a letter. “This is from the master, to be given to the pony Anton. It will get you your job,” she announced, and then left. I smiled and sighed, then went about writing my report to Celestia. Basically, it announced my speculations that the hostile migrants were escaping slaves. I wasn’t certain yet, but I told her that I suspected offers of political asylum would do well; they were fleeing slaves, running into an uncertain future with uncertain people. A modern day Jewish exodus. I then detailed my plans to take the merchant job and head south to the capital, in my world called Cairo and here called Catro.

Since Spike was currently passed out on the bed, I set the letter aside and went about writing two notices, one for the inner door and one for the outer door. One said ‘Do not disturb—Trust me.’ The other said, ‘Spike, don’t open this door. Trust me.’ I’ll let you decide which I put where.

With that done, I set about working on the trap. It was a pretty simple thing, really: If someone pulled the door open, they’d get shot with a bolt. I tested it once and with a loud thunk, a bolt was protruding from the door. Anyone trying to open it quickly would get a bolt right in the face. I wrenched the bolt from the door, reloaded the crossbow, dropped the cape and went to the roof.

I glided to a roof away from mine, and then looked for an easy access down. Part of the clothing I was wearing was a full head covering, leaving only my eyes looking out. With that over my head and the cape over my wings, I could be any cat or dog person—I’m taller and bulkier than most cats and shorter and smaller than most dogs. My plan was to head to the pony bar we passed on the way in and ask for any manner of news. Yes, they weren’t the ponies I was used to, but they were probably still more willing to talk to strangers than anyone else in this city.

I had a hard time finding the place again; this city was really maze-like. When I finally did, I almost wasn’t allowed in. At the door I was posed a riddle: “There are two sisters: One gives birth to the other and she, in turn, gives birth to the first.”

I thought for a time, and then it clicked. “Celestia and Luna.” The door was opened and I was the first non-pony to be admitted into the bar. More from disinterest rather than because the riddle was difficult, I guessed.

As I entered, I took a second to look at the name of the tavern: The Salted Mare. Comforting.

I definitely drew a lot of stares. One angry pony, hopped up on salt and heavily dehydrated, came at me, asking unkindly, “Where are you from, cat-man?”

“West.” That didn’t satisfy him. “Far, far west.” Now that perked up a lot of ears.

“Oh, are you then? What news from the far far west do you bring? Anything new from our beloved eternal bitch queen?”

“The sun sets in the east this night. It has reversed course in order to respond to a crisis. I’m just here for news.”

That started several murmuring conversations, and two more strangers came up, one drawing the drugged pony away. The other stallion asked, “What proof do you have that Celestia is here, stranger?”

With my gloved hand, I pulled out a bit and rolled it over my fingers.

“Bits are not so uncommon here, stranger. What more proof do you have?”

“What is it to you, pony? I know Luna is free, I know Celestia and her student Twilight are to the east, and the sun throne in Equestria lies empty for the first time in living memory, and probably will for over a year. I care not what you do with that information. But I’m here for any news I can bring back. There are people pushing into the east, cat people. They bring with them violence and turmoil. Are they escaped slaves, and would they settle for asylum? Or do they want more?”

“They are slaves. Or rather, they were. How do you know what you know?”

I let the cape slide from my back, and they all gasped at my enlarged pegasus wings.

“It has been so long…” the pony next to me whispered. “But I’m confused. You aren’t a pony. How did you come by these wings?”

“A magical mistake. A fluke. They function, but they are not mine, not really. I need more information before I head further inland.”

“You can’t just leave! So long with no word from home, and now a non-pony pony agent comes in and just as suddenly leaves? What game are you playing?”

“I’m just a pawn, an agent. I don’t make plans, I just follow orders. My orders are to gather information. There is more information in the south than there is in this city.”

“Why would she send a… whatever you are… instead of a pony?”

“Because we didn’t know the reception ponies would get here. Most of her ponies are… naïve to the world anyway. I am a bit more seasoned.” Some of them snorted at that.

“I left Equestria because of that same reason. I regret it every day… please, can any of us go with you?”

“What’s stopping you from going east yourself?” I answered. “There are pony-held lands over there.”

“We can’t leave. We can enter this land, but no pony is allowed to leave the borders of this country without a royal order. If you aren’t careful with who you show those wings to, you might find yourself included in that. The reason there are no pegasi or unicorns here is because they left as soon as the edict came out; some of the pegasi were brought down with arrows, but the unicorns all managed to teleport out.” I’ll have to add that to my report. At least that tells me that Celestia knew more about this land than she let on.

“Celestia will learn of this. If you have any letters, give them to me, addressed, and I will get them to her. What she does with them will be up to her, but I imagine they’ll get sent to family,” I announced to the bar. A very hushed silence came over everyone. Suddenly, there was a mass exodus to the door to go buy paper and pen.

I grabbed the hoof of my new friend before he could leave. “No cat can know I’m here. I must travel incognito if I am to complete my mission.”

“I will see to it. You are a hero, whoever you are. If what you say is true.” I snorted at that—I was just doing what anyone would, and Spike was going to be the one sending these letters, not I. I settled back to enjoy my free water while I waited for the patrons to return with letters.

There were certainly a lot more letters than I was expecting. Everyone gave me at least one. The fellow that was hopped up on salt when I came in was now fully hydrated and able to give me twelve, with a heartfelt apology to me included.

As I left, I reminded them, “Remember, I don’t exist.” They all cheered and waved me out. Poor bastards had been away from home too long, doing whatever they could to survive. The few here that had cutie marks were nasty things, while most didn’t have any at all—they could never find anything they liked doing. Most of those that frequented the streets were those that belonged in this city.

I made my way to a roof and flew back to my building. Thankfully, Spike was still asleep and in bed, and the trap was undisturbed. It was getting to be night by then, so I added some more to my report about the ponies here, then went to bed, leaving the trap on the door.

Thank God I did, too. I woke up the next morning to a shriek from the door. Apparently during the night, one of the dog people somehow got my door opened and caught a bolt in the throat. It died without a sound. The shriek was from a slave woman passing by.

It woke up Spike, who groggily sat up, asking “Where am I?” before seeing the body on the floor and turning greenish.

I looked at him and said, “We’re not in Equestria anymore. Get used to it.”

I checked the body for anything useful before the guards took it away: In this city, if you scored a kill you got first dibs on the body, legal kill or not. I grabbed a letter, some native coins, and his dagger and let them take the rest away. The letter was in a language I couldn’t read, so I put it away and concentrated on getting all my gear set up.

The slave was still in hysterics, and I explained to her that I didn’t even kill him, the trap did. She didn’t seem to want to hear that, either way, and left, wailing. Fucking women, man.

I broke down the trap, reloaded the crossbow, and left it where I could easily reach it. I then gave the report to Spike, followed in a few minutes by the letters. We went down to the common room for a complimentary breakfast, thanks to the body at our door. Poor Amir was so embarrassed: “This has never happened before! A guest drugged, then almost attacked!” He promised to hire some manner of guard.

While we were eating, a response from Celestia came. That drew a lot of glares from other patrons and a small alarm from Amir, thinking we had been poisoned again. I waved him away and pocketed the letter for later.

When we got back to the room, I checked it. “Go south, but be careful. We will offer asylum to any bands of escaped slaves we run into. Try to contact a group of fleeing slaves, if you can do so safely and without blowing your cover. See if you can get them to escort you and as many ponies as you can find that want to escape east. I will initiate talks with the government of this Egypt you are in to see if I can get my ponies freed, after you get back. And while I thank you for the information, don’t do that with any group of ponies again until or unless you are fleeing east with slaves. It is just too risky.”

I nodded to myself. “What are we going to do, Nav?” Spike asked.

“We’re going south with a caravan. We’ll see what happens from there.”

I draped the cape over my back again and we went off to try to find this Anton fellow. The bazaar was a large place, as it happened, and finding him wasn’t as simple as asking for someone hiring warriors. I got several job offers, and a few people offering to work under me—or more likely, under Spike. After all, a lot of dragons have huge hoards of wealth.

I was afraid to ask specifically for a pony offering jobs, because not many here were friendly toward the idea of ponies with enough money to hire fighters. Spike kept muttering unpleasantries about the people in the city and their hatred toward ponies.

We finally got lucky and spotted a reddish roan pony haggling with a zebra over the price of a water jug. His cutie mark was of hooves. I waited for him to finish his business, and then approached. Before I could say a word, “A warrior, are you? I have a spot for one more. You or your friend will have to stay, as I can’t bring both.”

“I have a letter that might change your mind,” I said, giving him the letter the slave woman gave me. I was hoping it would; I couldn’t leave Spike behind and I had to get south.

He somehow opened it with his hooves, and read it to himself. He smiled, and whispered ‘about time.’ He then looked up and said, “Fine, but you’ll take a pay cut for the extra load,” with a nod to Spike.

“I’m okay with that.”

“Good. If you have everything you need, come with me.” We followed. He led us to a large pavilion outside of town, and into a smaller, personal tent.

“I don’t talk business with somepony when I can’t see their face. Take that head cover off.”

I sighed and began to unwind my head wrap. The pony looked at my unkempt, long brown hair, unshaved and windblown face red from the sun, and probably thought he had made a big mistake. He held his peace, however, and said, “That’s better. Now, the standard fare for a caravan guard is six kilograms of salt. With your friend coming along, I’ll have to cut your pay to five. If you want to pull some extra work, I can raise it back up to six, or higher if you are more useful. What manner of skills do you bring, aside from fighting?” said with an eye to my sword belt.

“I can scout and kill from afar. I can probably hunt, if that’s a necessity. And I might be able to find extra oases, if we need them.”

“We have scouts. What makes you think you’re better than they?”

I smiled and dropped my cape. He leaned back. “If those work, you’re hired.”

“Follow me.” We went outside the tent, and I demonstrated. I got a lot of stares from the ground crews, people readying tents and supplies to be packed in a hurry but looking for any reasonable chance for a break. I didn’t do much, just went up and down a few times, but it was enough for Anton.

“You’re hired. As a scout. Their pay is the same, more for finding oases and warning us of probable attacks. Since you can fight, you will be paid extra, and you’ll get the full price of both warrior and scout if you end up doing both. But your orders will come directly from me.”

“Understood.”

“And what am I going to be doing?” Spike asked.

“As far as I’m concerned,” Anton said, “you are dead weight. If you prove yourself useful, you may be compensated, but don’t expect to be asked to do much. You are small, yet.” Spike rolled his eyes at that, but it was true.

The rest of that day and the next were spent waiting for the caravan to leave. I stayed away from the city as much as I could, knowing the friend of the dog I killed was still in there, and I didn’t want a knife in the back.

A day after I got to the camp, Anton called me to his tent. “I just got word that you were involved in a murder in the city. Would you care to explain?”

“A dog tried to slip me a sleeping concoction to knock me out. When that failed, he broke into my room in the night. But I was expecting him, so I set up a trap to kill anyone that walked in the door. He did, and the trap worked.”

“Did he have anything on him?”

“A few coins, a dagger, and a note.”

“Do you have the note?” I handed it to him. I saw his eyes scan the page, and he handed it back to me, saying, “It’s gibberish to me.”

One of the few times I had heard a pony lie. I saw his eyes moving, he knew what he was reading. And he was slightly worried. But I didn’t call him on it. “Are you reconsidering me?” I asked instead.

“No. That just proves your cleverness. You’re still hired. Now leave me.” I did.

After that it was pretty smooth sailing. We broke camp the next day and started off. From what I finally determined was Alexandria in my world to Cairo was about a hundred and thirty miles. That would take us at best eleven days, at worst twenty. We would definitely miss the boat if Celestia couldn’t get word to it, but it seemed our priority had changed by then anyway: Go south for information, then east if possible to hook up with any roaming slave groups.

Most of the other caravan guards were rough looking types. Dogs or cats, with a single naga looking rather out of place. They were armed with a variety of weapons, mostly close ranged. We were definitely not in Equestria anymore. This was a small army, well equipped and trained by hard lives. Most didn’t have much in the way of armor; metal would be too hot and heavy in the sun, and leather was highly frowned upon everywhere in a world where most everything is sapient. Eating a thinking animal is one thing, but wearing them is another thing entirely. Besides, most of these fighters were skilled desert rats, fast and loose on their feet.

I’ll skip most of the trip, as it was pretty much just walking and walking and walking, then flying and then walking and walking and walking some more.

I will say this, though: The desert nights of Egypt are absolutely amazing. Nothing on the cavern of the naga, mind, but still beautiful.

But holy fuck was there sand everywhere! God it was annoying.

And then on day seven, the whole trip went to hell.

We were making good time, and were over halfway to Cairo. I was on a scouting trip to the west, directed by Anton. Spike was walking beside Anton when I left, talking of some matter or another. I think Spike reminded Anton of someone he had lost in the past, but I never asked him.

But there I was, flying around and looking for anything new in the desert, when I saw smoke rising to the east, in the caravan. I couldn’t tell what was going on, but I knew the place wasn’t supposed to be on fire. I turned back and made a beeline for the caravan.

When I got nearby, I could see Anton standing alone a ways from the caravan, signaling me to come down to him. I loaded my crossbow in the air and warily landed near him.

“What happened?” I asked, aiming my crossbow around me. “And where’s Spike?”

Instead of answering, he asked, “Do you remember that note you gave me when we first met? The one from the innkeeper, I mean.”

“…Yes.”

“Amir is not exactly what he appeared to be. He is an ally of the slaves, basically; he supplies them when he can, with food, water… fighters.”

I aimed my crossbow dead on Anton. “Where’s Spike?”

“He will not be harmed, if you cooperate.” I knew this was too good to be true.

“What do you want?”

“Drop your weapons, first.”

I did as he asked. I slipped the weapon belt from my waist and laid it on the ground, then slowly lowered the crossbow on top of it.

“Now step away from them.”

I did, never letting my eyes leave his face. I saw a cat in my peripheral vision sneak up and grab my supplies. I still had the gloves that no one knew about, if I absolutely had no choice but to fight.

“And now?” I asked.

“Now, you sleep.” Something clubbed me in the back of the skull and I lost myself.

A note from your friendly neighborhood Discord

Never trust dogs to get a job done. Those dogs were told to deliver a message to the human. Not to drug him, not to break into his room, and not to underestimate him. That fellow deserved his fate.

As to what the message contained? Writing in an ancient language that only Anton and I understand, and the only reason Anton understands it is because I gave him the knowledge. Basically, it marked the bearer as an asset to the slaves. Anton wasn’t supposed to order Navarone knocked out. Unfortunately, he was still too useful to punish.

Chapter Sixteen—The march to freedom!

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1La8Boqe1ahD4dZUF46o-Rjc48Dh3Eqo-n6ad1_1AB9s/edit

Now, I know a lot of movies and crap have the heroes get clubbed in the skull and from there they can wake up in a few hours feeling fine.

That shit ain’t true. I was out for over a day with a concussion, nodding into and out of consciousness. When I finally woke up, I had the worst headache of my life. I leaned out of my bed and vomited what little I had in my stomach up, and then gagged until there was no bile left in my system at all. I still felt like shit, and I passed out again shortly afterwards.

I woke up again to a cat woman trying to feed me broth. I took what I could, though my head still felt like a horse had kicked it. Which, as I found out later, wasn’t that far from the truth: It was a zebra that knocked me out.

When I finally woke up for good, I found I was in a small camp on the western bank of the Nile. It was definitely a war camp; I could hear some sounds of smithing being done in one area, and I heard troops calling cadences in another area. My leg was chained to the floor, with the weight buried under hard-packed sand.

Of my weapons or Spike there was no sign, though it did appear that someone was sharing the yurt with me. Another rumpled cot sat against one of the walls.

Seeing nothing I could do, I settled back to wait. My body was cramped from the long time spent in bed, so I did my best to shake it loose. There was only so much I could do with my wings, but I did what I could.

I had my back to the tent door, wings completely outstretched, when someone pushed the tent flap in and gasped. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it, because it’s never crossed my mind or seemed important, but my wingspan is… well, large. I’m around five foot six, myself. My wingspan is probably eight feet, stretched completely out. Pegasi have more magic in them than I do, meaning their wings are a hell of a lot smaller despite them weighing more than I do. It means I’m good at gliding but mediocre at actual flying. I can imagine someone that has never seen anything with wings would be surprised to see them stretch so far.

Anyway, when I heard the gasp behind me, I retracted my wings and quickly turned, surprised at being caught off guard. I can’t imagine how I looked; I had been away from a mirror since I left Ponyville, and so I hadn’t bothered to shave since then. The rubber band was out of my hair, meaning it was thrown about wildly when I turned. My face was filthy from sand and dust and grime. I probably looked like an angel after a serious yearlong bender.

“Uh, hi,” I said, not sure what to do. The person that disturbed me was a female cat. A very buxom female cat, of the like that I wouldn’t have been too surprised to have seen working with some of the ponies back in Alexandria. She had a bucket of water in one hand and a bowl of broth in the other. I couldn’t tell if she was going to call the guards or come the rest of the way in, so I didn’t make any sudden movements. I just very slowly sat back down on my bed.

“We… we are surprised to see you awake so soon,” she said weakly.

“Yeah, that happens with me.” Humor sometimes works, but with no context this one fell flat. “I don’t suppose that food is for me?”

“…Yes. It is. And the water. For drinking or for washing. We are near the river, it is easy to find.” So nervous. Am I really that ugly?

“If you’re afraid of me, just leave it right there and I’ll wait until you’re gone to get it.”

That seemed to prompt her into moving, and she brought me the bowl and left the bucket by the bed, then sat on the other bed in the room. I murmured thanks and began eating what I could. I still felt like shit, but I put down as much of it as I could bear. After a day or two in bed, I was feeling very weak and knew I needed to eat something.

When I set the bowl aside, she started talking. “Our leader wants to speak to you. We thought you were a simple mercenary, a sword for hire, but when we started searching your belongings we found some… interesting letters.” Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Instead of showing any distress, though, I forced myself to calmly say, “Then you know who—and what—I am. I trust I am not a prisoner?” with a pointed look at my chain.

“That is there merely so you will not try to flee or fight before we have a chance to talk with you. We read your journal entries.” This just got a lot more interesting. Thankfully, I left most of them back in Equestria. All I had here were the things I had written in the time since we left. Nothing that painted me as too much of a coward, so I could easily fake being an absolute badass agent of the crown. I mean, Celestia ruled more than half of the world. Why would she send a coward and a weak fighter into a place like this?

“Where is Spike?”

“Your dragon friend? He is being safeguarded.”

“Let me see him.”

“Not until you talk with our leader.”

“How can I trust you that he’s still alive?”

“You will just have to take my word.” Dammit. These cat people were starting to piss me off. “He told us some interesting things about you, too. He seems a lot more talkative than you do.”

“That’s probably because he didn’t get knocked out and wake up chained to the ground.”

“That wasn’t my decision.”

“Your people didn’t even ask if I would come quietly. I was unarmed!”

“Perhaps. We still didn’t know if we could trust you. But now, you don’t know where we are.”

“Your recruiting policy is shit. Tell that to whoever is in charge of it. And tell Anton that he can suck a dick, if you ever see him again. Last time I take a job from a fucking pony with a violent fucking cutie mark.”

She smiled at that, and was about to respond, when the tent flap was wrenched open and a large, hulking cat walked in. Now, I have been in the presence of some violent people. The naga, for example, were violent. Theirs was an honorable sort of violence, though; unless you really pissed them off, they would fight fair. I’ve been among gang bangers back home. They were violent, but if you were their friend, you were their friend for life, and they would always back you up.

This cat, though… this fucker looked like he was just looking for any excuse to fly off the handle toward anyone. His hands were large enough to grab my head in one and my feet in the other and just pull. And he looked strong enough to actually rip me in half, too. His face was a mass of scars, and his back was just as bad. He was missing one finger on his right hand and half of his right ear looked chewed off.

I didn’t want to do anything to piss this guy off. I was afraid to even look at him. But I knew my stance here depended heavily upon what little authority I had from Celestia, and how I acted. So I met his gaze evenly, even though my feet felt like they should be quaking.

When he saw that, he openly sneered, twisting the scars on his face into obscene shapes. “Come on, you winged freak. We’re going for a walk.” With that, he bent down and ripped the chain out of the sand, pulling up a rock the size of Spike with it. I stood up, but before I could move, the cat lady pushed me back down.

“That’s no way to treat our guests, Rock.”

“Until it speaks to the boss, it isn’t a guest. It’s a prisoner.”

“He is a guest in my tent. And you will treat my guests with honor.”

I honestly thought he was about to punch her in the face and drag me off, but astoundingly he bowed his head to her. “As you want, Kat.” Then, to me, “Come along, guest. You have a meeting with the boss.”

I stood again and waved my arm forward. “Lead the way.”

It was a rather disorderly camp. Little cubs ran about our feet, gazing in wonder at the ‘Sphinx,’ they called me. That did not bode well, in my mind at least.

I was itching for my desert clothes, to hide my humanness to these people. And to hide my wings, of course. All I had on right now was a pair of pants that they probably found in my belongings. The sun was beating down on my exposed flesh, already making me feel overheated.

The leader’s tent was in the center of the bunch, and we were on one of the edges. It didn’t take us five minutes to make it there, but the half of the camp we passed through was abuzz with gossip as soon as they laid eyes on me. I didn’t know how far the news that I was from Equestria had traveled, but these people definitely knew something was up. I kept my head held high, at least pretending to have a bit of dignity. I might be walking to the executioner’s block, but at least I could give them a show.

When I got to the leader’s tent, I was made to sit down and wait. He was writing some manner of note or plan or something. As soon as I sat down, I realized exactly what was happening. Thankfully, I knew I could outwait any cat any day, and set about proving it.

While I was waiting, I took some time to study the cat in front of me. He was small, not overly old, but I could definitely feel some intelligence there. As I studied more of his body, I started to realize that this wasn’t exactly as much of a ‘he’ as I originally thought. She shifted once, and I could tell that I was correct in my new assessment: This dude was a chick. Her whiskers were long, her eyes were dark green, and she was a deep coal black color. She wasn’t scarred like her hulking fighter behind me, nor as buxom and noticeable as the Kat next to Rock.

No, their leader was someone you could lose in a crowd and never find again, or someone you could meet and know all your life but never able to describe well. Very nondescript, you know? It’s hard to describe.

After half an hour of waiting, she gave up on that method and looked up. “So, Navarone, we meet at last.”

“You know my name, but I don’t have the honor of yours.”

“Oh, you’re going to be a fun one, aren’t you? We know quite a lot about you, Navarone. Working for the horse queen of the ponies, set to flee east with as many of her ponies as you can bring with you, and with as many of my cats to use as cannon fodder as possible. Tell me, did you really think we would be so foolish as to take that offer?” Oh man. Full overgear into lie mode.

“I can understand why you might think it unwise to trade one type of slavery for what you might see as another.”

“Tell me, why should we flee east and beg for asylum from an eternal princess? Why should we not instead fight for our freedom here in our own land?”

“You might know I’m not from this world; I don’t remember how much is in that journal you read. But either way, I’m not. I’m from a world where war is common and rebellions are everyday things. Do you know what happens in my world to civilians with weapons that try to go up against standing governments with large armies?” Before she could answer, I said, “They die. They die fast and they die hard. Even if they get outside support from powerful nations, they still tend to have an attrition rate that is simply unacceptable to any good commander. If you want to fight your government, you will lose, unless you can turn almost the entire population against them.”

“And what makes you think we can’t?”

“Because many of your people have already fled east. They wouldn’t be running if they were winning, or had a good chance to.”

She stood up, beginning to pace behind her desk. “Some fools don’t see the big picture. They think that by running, their problems are solved. What of their families and their clan that are left behind? What of their people that are left to suffer? Why should we few who escape be the lucky ones who can leave our hard lives behind? Why can’t we all break out? Or better yet, change the system?”

“Because that isn’t how life works. You can’t butt heads with the hardest skull in the area if you are the weakest. You can try to fight if you want, but it won’t do you any good. Better to grab as many people as you can and flee to the nearest safe area as quietly as possible. Nowhere in this country is safe for you, not for long anyway. This is a nomadic style camp, I could tell when I walked through it. You can’t fight a government with these numbers. But if you flee east, you could build a safe haven there for any escaped slave that can make it to you, and build a network to funnel slaves through.” I could see Kat preening behind me, while Rock seemed to glower darkly at my back. A quick guess told me that I just suggested what Kat wanted and what Rock feared.

The leader looked to Kat, “Did you feed him this idea before he came here?”

“He woke up and not five minutes later Rock came in and grabbed him. I barely had a chance to feed him.”

The leader looked back to me. “And would your queen be willing to help us in this?”

“I don’t know. I can’t answer for her.”

“Then what good are you to us?”

“Give me some paper, a pen, and let me meet with Spike alone for half an hour.”

“How can I trust that you won’t magic yourself away?”

“What does it matter to you if we do? You’d be in the same boat you were before we met.”

I could see the debate on her face. Finally, she assented. She turned to Kat. “Go get the dragon.”

The leader gave me paper and a pen. “When the dragon gets here you have fifteen minutes.” I started writing.

When Spike arrived, he whooped. “Navarone, thank Celestia you’re alive!”

“Yeah, they aren’t kind with their recruiting options.”

The leader chick ahemmed and said, “Fifteen minutes.” They all filed out of the tent.

I wrote ‘respond asap’ on the letter, then handed it to Spike. “Send this to Celestia.” He did. “We’re in a mess here, mate. These people don’t trust us or Celestia, and they’re divided on what they even want to do. Some want to stay and fight, some want to flee and build a refugee network as they go.”

“Why can’t they all just go north and let Celestia pick them up in boats?” Good question with an easy answer.

“That would be tantamount to war. It’s one thing to offer asylum, it’s another thing to steal people from their own country. Remember, there are ponies here that can’t leave; if Celestia starts helping slaves escape like that, the government here will have a reason to start oppressing ponies even more.”

“That’s cruel!” Immediately after saying that, he belched out a response.

“That’s politics,” I said as I grabbed the note.

It read, “Could I, through you, teleport the leader to me to talk?”

I wrote, “Negative. Locals too paranoid. Negative on you coming, either. Can’t risk a pony life here due to a misunderstanding. Give me one answer or another. Sorry.”

I gave that to Spike.

The response said, “If their refugee network will include allowing ponies to escape east, they can all come if they want. Help them however they need it.”

“Thank God,” I said, letting out a breath. I stuck my head out of the tent, and told them we were done and had a response. It was a subdued group that came in.

When they were all settled, I told them the news: “If your escaped slave network includes ponies, you can stage all you want in her territory.” Kat, at least, was pleased at that. Rock and the leader were less so, but only Rock expressed actual disappointment.

“So, now that we’re done with that business, how about letting us get out of your hair?” I asked. Spike nodded happily.

The leader frowned. “Not quite that simple. You know our plans. We can’t just let you roam the desert freely.”

“I don’t plan to roam the desert. I plan to head directly east and get the hell out of this fucking place.”

“We still can’t let you do that. I’m afraid you’re coming with us, even if we have to chain you and make Rock drag you.”

“Will you at least let me have my weapons back?”

“You can have that hunk of wood and one of your knives. The rest are needed.”

“And my bolts? My gloves? My journals? Pretty much everything else I had?

“Everything we didn’t keep, we left with Spike. Speaking of which, you two can see each other once a day, but otherwise you are to be kept apart. As long as you behave well, Navarone, you can continue to stay with Kat. Just obey her orders. Otherwise… Well, I’ve heard cages do interesting things to winged creatures.” Oh hell no.

“If you cage me, you will die.” It was not a threat, not a warning, just a direct statement of fact, and it was said as such.

She nodded, as though that was what she was expecting. “Then don’t make it necessary.”

A silence came over us until an odd thought occurred to me. “Tell me, why do the cubs outside call me Sphinx?”

“There is a massive statue the slaves were forced to build down outside of Catro. It has your type of body, your type of wings, but the face of a cat. The slaves and the common people who built it thought the naga that commissioned it were mad. But then you show up. What would you think, Navarone?”

“As long as no one asks me for a riddle, I’m okay with it.”

“That reminds me. The question you asked me at the start of this discourse, my name. I am called Jocasta.” Son. Of. A. Bitch.

That requires some understanding of strange human mythology to get. One of the legends of the Sphinx was that Oedipus answered her riddles and the Sphinx fell in love with him because of it. But Oedipus loved a woman named Jocasta, which was his mother—it’s an odd story.

Anyway, the Sphinx ended up killing herself to try to get Oedipus to love her or something like that. I don’t know much, but that sounded right. Either way, it was a terrifying coincidence that I would run into a group of people that call me Sphinx led by a woman named Jocasta.

With that bombshell, she had my chain removed and sent us back to our tents. I asked Kat about letting me fly, but she said no. “You would be the only flier in the air, and they are not a common sight. We are not too far from Catro, and you might bring retribution upon us.”

My crossbow and naga knife were returned to me in Kat’s tent. With them came everything else I had on me: Letters, journals, about half of my bolts, the alcohol, my gloves, and one of the fire starters. I didn’t even bother asking what they did with the rest.

With the bucket of water that was still untouched next to my bed, I started cleaning my face and shaving with the finely honed edge of the well-made naga knife. Kat looked up when I was about halfway done and said, “If you do that, the kids might stop calling you Sphinx.”

I looked at her and said, “Good,” and then continued.

Since I wasn’t used to shaving with a knife or without a mirror, I nicked myself a few times, but it was nothing too bad. Kat mentioned it, though, “Doesn’t that hurt?”

I shrugged. “Nothing major.” I think she smiled at that for some reason, but I wasn’t really paying attention to her. When I finished, I went to put on my desert clothes. She watched for a while, but stopped me as I was throwing on the cape. “You are to leave your wings uncovered, unless told otherwise.” I sighed. “Why would you be so quick to hide them?”

“Because nowhere I go do I fit in at all. Among the ponies I am an outsider. Among the naga, I was welcome after I proved my prowess in battle, but they hated my wings as soon as they saw them. In that port city, I was almost drugged and then who knows what just for being different. It was only when I was able to cover myself completely, hiding the wings and my skin, that I was able to stroll the streets relatively unmolested.”

“How are you able to live among the ponies, knowing they did that to you?”

“It was an accident. And it was only the fault of one. They are a truly peaceful people at heart, and no one sane craves war. I’d love to live in peace, even if the fire in my blood would desire action of some sort. I might live alone among them, but at least I would live in peace.”

“It sounds like a nice dream.”

“Until recently it was a reality, at least for a while. My services were requested by one of my friends there, to deal with what we thought was a hostage crisis. It turned out to be a siege of one group of naga against another, with the ‘hostages’ being kept for their own protection. I ended up sneaking into the enemy camp and killing most of the naga there, with either my knife or with fire. There was a single survivor. My soul had seen some of the atrocities of war firsthand, then, and my hands had held the knife that snuffed out several lives, not with a shout, but with a whimper in the darkness. I killed in cold blood, and then set fire to their tents to distract them while I fled. I didn’t realize their women and children were in the tents…”

“You aren’t the only one that has done horrible things. But as you yourself said, accidents are forgivable. And so is killing, as I am well aware.” I should have questioned that. Instead, I went back to self-pity.

“I wish I could believe that…”

“Then allow our people to be your redemption, if that is the way you feel. Your experiences with the naga led you here, and here you have the ability to save thousands, to redeem yourself from your hundred killed.”

“But at what cost? What level of blood will my hands be drenched in by the time we reach the border? Especially if you all do as I fear and lollygag about in fleeing!”

“And why would we do that?”

“You need to build connections and steal more slaves as we run. That can’t be done quickly, unless you want to just go in and kill anything that moves in larger slave camps.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“It would be suicide. This group of people is, what, fifty strong? Give or take a dozen. You could smuggle that number out with no problem, even if you did have to split up. Keeping that number of people fed and with water isn’t impossible, either, though it might be hard; you’d have to raid a caravan or two on the way, unless you have stockpiles. But if you start freeing every slave between here and the Suez Canal, that would force a response from the government and the people would be impossible to feed. And I don’t know what you were told regarding the spirit of the warrior, but that is complete shit. The enemy has weapons and training, we don’t. And if we’re forced to fight our way across the border, we will lose too many troops pushing it. You can’t force a river front like the Suez without massive support squads and engineers trained in pontoon building. If that was your plan, you’d be better off guerilla fighting with a group about this size and just doing damage as you can here and there, working to destabilize the government. A full scale fight is something you would lose.”

“That was basically my argument. Rock wouldn’t buy it, and Jocasta really wants to free everyone. With the support of the ponies on our side, though, we can possibly force the government to give over on its slaves and release everyone peacefully.”

“I hope so. I know if Celestia is forced to push the issue, I’ll probably be either on the front lines or behind the enemy lines, causing what havoc I could in the back. Either way, it would be dangerous for me. I just want to get home, or at the very least among friends.”

“What makes you think that you would be the one sent? It might be one of us; we look more like we belong here than you do.”

“Trust, of course. That and I think she secretly hates me and wants to get me killed.”

“If you are so useful, why would she feel this way?”

“I have made life difficult for her, for reasons I am not at liberty to say.”

“Maybe you will tell me more of your secrets in time, Navarone.”

Not this one. “I don’t know what more you want from me. I’ve told you pretty much everything about me that you asked. Hell, not like you can use any of it against me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that. You said that not many ponies know of your activities. What would you do if we were to threaten to reveal them? They might not let you back.”

“And why would you want to do that?”

“To keep you here, where you can help us fight.”

“What makes you think I’d want to help you after you ruin my chance of returning to peace?”

“Where else would you go?”

“I could go to your enemies, if nothing else. If the ponies disown me, I have some plans in place that could easily destabilize this world, in more ways than one.” Not entirely true, but I did have a few ideas to take down Celestia that I didn’t mention to anyone. And if I had to go about wiping out slave groups for a corrupt government, I had methods of doing that as well. “Basically, it would not be in your good interests to betray me.”

“You talk big, but you have little proof to back up what you say. What makes you think you could even go to our enemies? They would probably never take you.”

“A mercenary that brings the head of a leader in the enemy force would be rather highly praised. I told you some things about me, but not everything. You bastards may currently have me neutered, with a blade against Spike’s throat, but if that dynamic was gone, you would never see me again. Or at least, not until it was too late to run.”

“So why should we even keep you alive, if you could be such a great threat?”

“Because I won’t be until you turn me into one.”

“You know, Navarone,” she said, walking to me. “You aren’t the only one with trump cards,” she said, with a caress to my face that suddenly turned sharp as she bared her claws. “I could do anything I wanted to you, and you would be forced to sit there and take it.”

“You could, but I don’t see why you would.”

“Ah, confusion in his eyes at last,” she whispered, turning away. “So you aren’t as smart as you think you are.”

“There would be nothing to gain for you. Unless you’ve planned to be found out, and want me to take the blame for it.”

“You always seem to think of politics. Never of fun. Tell me, when was the last time you laid with a woman?”

Oh, that’s what this is about. “As far as I know, about a month. A naga woman.”

“I see. Stretch your wings for me.”

What the fuck is wrong with this chick? I gave her the look you would expect when you’re thinking something like that.

“I wasn’t asking, Navarone.”

I did as she said, stretching them as far as I could. She walked back up and ran her paws over them, sighing with pleasure as she caressed them. I felt dirty, but I couldn’t help a little moan… What the fuck? Why does that feel… good?

And then she nodded once and walked out of the tent.

I had finally found someone crazier than Pinkie Pie. And I was living with her until we got back to the ponies.

I was tempted to act out to end up with Rock instead, but I was more afraid of any of his fetishes than I was of Kat’s. At least if push came to shove, I could resist Kat if I had to.

But seriously, what the fuck?

The next day, we broke camp. For basically being a large band of nomads, they were surprisingly professional about it. Everything was squared away in under two hours and we were on our way.

And of course, instead of going east across the river, we went fucking south.

“Why are we going the wrong way?” I asked Kat.

“Because we can’t cross the river here.”

“Why not?” I swear to God if you say it’s because you’re cats…

“The river is… unsafe.”

“Why don’t we go north instead and use rafts to travel along the coast? We’d avoid any military patrols and we could easily just skim around the border and the Suez Canal.”

“We have our reasons.” Dammit, they’re going to attack some camps.

Dammit, I hate it when I’m right. I was in the middle of running a mission, basically doing the same crap I did with the naga: Fly in and either wreak havoc or release slaves.

Since the cat people were stealthier and lighter than the naga, I was able to fly a small fighter in with me. His name was Miguel, a dirty little fighter that I hand picked because I knew he would be slitting throats and would probably get caught and cause enough of a distraction to let me get out unscathed.

While he was gleefully killing guards, I was using the keys from a belt loop that I casually ‘borrowed’ to release slaves. I pointed them to the entrance of the camp, where Miguel had already dealt with the guards. A few more ‘freedom fighters’ were making their way in, but we couldn’t risk bringing in too many.

Dammit, whose idea was this? Kat was reasonably sensible when it came to stuff like that, I had found. I was guessing Jocasta, because Rock would have just ordered us to attack the place up front, in plain daylight, with no planning.

I pulled the lock on the last slave pen and pointed them to the exit, then went looking for Miguel and the rest of the fighters. All I had to do was follow the sound of the general alarm that just started going off. Son of a bitch. I grabbed the nearest friendly and yelled at him, “We have to get out!”

He shook out of his bloodlust and nodded numbly, pushing and pulling his comrades back. In an effort to hasten the process—before the gates could be closed and our troops locked inside—I did my best to light some of the empty slave pens on fire. That probably wouldn’t kill any guards, but it would provide a distraction. There was little wood in the pens, as they were made of mostly clay or something like it, but I burned what I could.

When I saw that most of the fighters got the message, I leapt into the air to see what more I could do. There was, of course, general bedlam. I saw that the last fighter was Miguel, and he was doing an insane dance with two long daggers. Nothing got near him and lived. I was tempted to leave him, but I swooped in and grabbed him just as he pulled his daggers out of a newly made cadaver. He almost stabbed me before he returned to his senses.

Instead, he yelled, “Good fight, Sphinx!” Kat was wrong about that name. It did stick, even though I shaved. “We killed many today!”

I didn’t answer.

When we got back to the camp, the mood was ecstatic. They had won their first battle against the enemy and were high on their success. I didn’t want to ruin their party so soon, so instead I went to Jocasta’s tent. After a brief altercation with the guards, I was allowed inside.

“What in the hell was that?” I accosted her.

“That was restoring hope to my people,” she answered with a shiny smile across her black face.

“Tell me, where are we going to get food for these people? Or water? And what about the old, the young, the infirm? If we stop, we die. If we slow down too much, we die. If we run out of food or water, we die. I thought I made that clear!”

The smile disappeared and in a cold, calm fury, she said, “You are not in charge of this camp. You are an agent of a foreign power. You were promised to us as aid. You will obey my orders or you will die. Is that understood?”

“You’re going to get us all killed.” With that, I left, not letting her respond.

I stood at the edge of the party, not belonging there and yet somehow wanting to join in on the happiness. We had come a ways from where we had started, at least; we finally got across the river, at a bridge not too far north of Cairo. Thankfully, the group we were in was small enough to be classified as a ‘roaming nomad group,’ as I had predicted, and we weren’t searched that hard before we were allowed through.

We were making slow progress, not wanting to alarm any patrols that might be tracking us. At the time, I was predicting making it to the Suez Canal in at best two weeks, if we went in a straight line.

And then came the attack on the enemy camp. Now we were up to over three hundred people, many weak from slave labor or too old to be useful. We could no longer be seen as a nomadic group; we were too large and we had sacked an enemy area. Basically, any patrol that ran into us now had to be wiped out before they could report us.

And just to show that whatever god is watching over this mad world wasn’t paying attention to me, Kat decided she wanted to celebrate that night.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

I got back to our tent shortly after I left Jocasta’s. I don’t know why Kat and I were given a tent; maybe Kat was a leader of sorts, or maybe the cats thought I was important enough to warrant one.

Kat was there, surprisingly. I hadn’t thought much of her threat; she hadn’t mentioned it since that day, so I was thinking she decided against it.

I was wrong.

She was sitting on the bed—the bed, mine was gone for some reason. Next to her was a… collar. And next to that was a leash.

I turned around, about to step right back out.

“If you leave, I’ll tell Jocasta you haven’t been obeying me.” I stopped. I just pissed Jocasta off; she’d side with Kat and smile while doing it. I turned around again. “That’s better,” Kat said, smiling. “Now why don’t you come over here?”

I slowly walked to her.

“Ooh, trying to make me excited?” she purred, seeing my slow advance. “We have all night, you know.”

I was right in front of her, towering over her.

“On your knees, Navarone,” she casually said, stroking the collar. I jerkingly lowered myself down until I was kneeling in front of her. My head was about at her stomach. “Look at me,” she whispered.

I turned my eyes up at hers. Our eyes met. She reached around my neck and I heard the collar snap into place. “Your journals said you didn’t think sex with a slave was fair, Nav. Rape, you called it. What does that make what we’re about to do?”

I didn’t answer.

She stood and walked behind me, holding the leash. I felt it clip onto the collar around my neck. She tugged it gently to make sure it was attached.

“I remember seeing you when you were knocked unconscious,” she said, still behind me. “Stripped down. Helpless. Like a little wounded bird…” She gently caressed my wings. “I wanted you.” I felt her caresses turn sharp. “I am going to make you sing, my sweet little bird. And you are going to love me for it.” She pulled the leash harder, upwards. I stood and turned. I looked down at her. I could crush you.

“Strip me,” she ordered. I began untying and removing her clothing, doing my best to not touch her actual fur, but I know my hands had to graze it a few times. When she was completely nude, she sat back on the bed, pulling the leash down. I kneeled again. “You’re good at this, human. I almost think you’ve had practice.”

I didn’t answer.

“I don’t need you to talk, Navarone. I think I’ll like the sounds you’ll be making soon more anyway,” she said, grinning. I just looked down at her body. I knew what I was about to be doing. It wouldn’t be so bad… She looked a lot more human than the ponies or the naga. And I knew that if I absolutely had to, I could resist. But… it was still rape.

She opened her legs. “What are you waiting for?” she whispered. I looked at her hidden gem. It was smaller than a mare’s or the naga’s. There was the hint of a clit jutting out with her slowly growing arousal. Thankfully, there was a general lack of fur around the part I knew would be getting most of the attention.

When I raised my hands to pull her closer, the collar tightened as she pulled the leash. “No hands, Nav,” she said. I lowered them, sighing gently. Since she was making me go to her, I leaned my head in and breathed out some warm air against her folds. She shuddered lightly. One of her paws went to the top of my head and I knew I was about to be forced in if I didn’t stop delaying. I moved my head a bit closer and took her clit into my mouth, tweaking it with my tongue.

She let out a deep moan, beginning to purr. Oh God, it’s like I’m having sex with a ca—Oh right. I continued playing with her clit, and felt the hand that was on my head slip down to my wings, gently caressing one of them. It felt really nice, but the entire situation felt… wrong.

After a few minutes of toying with her clit and hearing her deep moans, I began to lick the lips of her small pussy. I could taste the juices that were beginning to flow with more and more force; slightly sweet with a bitter aftertaste. How is she staying clean? Some questions are better left unanswered, I suppose.

After half a minute of that, I moved my tongue inside. Holy fuck, she’s tight even on my tongue! I swirled around, trying to find any good spots but not really knowing what I was doing. This was, after all, only the second time I’ve done this, and the first was with a naga that was so cold my tongue felt frostbitten.

I heard her say, “After this night, I’ll have to teach you how to do this properly…” She ruined her assessment with another moan. “But for now,” she sighed, “your amateur style is refreshing.”

Amateur? Well, technically… But I know a few tongue tricks, and I’ve seen the tongues of cats. Since I began, I had narrowed my tongue out to make the contact area smaller so I would suffer less. But if she was going to taunt me… I flattened my tongue, widening it considerably and stretching her folds apart, making her gasp. I gave her insides a long lick from a wide tongue and felt an influx of fluids as she came.

Her moaning increased in volume and depth until I could feel it resonating in my chest. Holy fuck, that actually feels… good!

And then I felt a sharp pain in the wing she had been caressing. I flinched and pulled back from her, but the leash didn’t give me enough slack to see what the fuck she just did to me. She was riding the last waves of her pleasure, and was finally able to speak coherently again. “Aww, did I hurt the little birdy?” I looked up at her face, my mouth still lightly dripping from her juices. She was looking down at me, smiling. “I know just how to make you feel all better!”

She stood, letting the leash hang loose, and moved behind me again. She put one of her paws on the center of my back, right between my wings. With a surprising show of strength, she pushed me onto the low bed, leaving my legs on the floor so I was bent over. I swear to whoever is listening, you do what I think you’re going to do, and your ass is grass. Spike can take a knife to the spleen before I’ll take anything up that hole.

I felt her straddle my back. Slowly, she began to unwind the desert clothes I was in, until most of my back was uncovered. “Prop your head up,” she ordered. I moved my arms to do that. Then she began to rub my wings.

Rubbing them a bit turned into rubbing them a lot. That turned into a full blown wing-rape, and before I knew it I was having to hold moans in. Why didn’t anyone tell me these wings were so sensitive?

“Stop hiding your pleasure,” she whispered in what I thought was a seductive tone. “I want to hear your music, my pretty little bird.” Fuck you, bitch. I couldn’t hold them in anymore, though, and let out a small moan.

I’m not good with moans of pleasure. It’s a good thing I was a different species, or she probably would have been concerned with my health.

As it was, she increased her efforts, saying, “I knew this had to be getting to you. I’ve dealt with wings like this in the past…”

When I felt like I was finally about to give in to the pleasure entirely, she stopped. I sighed, unable to tell if I was actually disappointed. She got off my back and used the leash to force me back up into a kneeling position. “Can’t let you get too excited,” she said. “You aren’t finished.”

She stood to my side and grabbed one of my wings. “Stretch out your wings again.” I did so, and noticed that the one she had grabbed was hitting some resistance. I heard her moan lightly and looked over to see what the fuck she was doing.

My wing was between her legs. I pushed it harder up and she answered with another little moan. I ruffled my feathers and she gasped. She began to grind against me, coating my feathers with her juices. Eww.

She did that for a while, sliding up and down my wing and coating the entire thing with a thin film of cat juices. She finally said, “You may lower your wings now.”

It was actually hard to do that… They seemed to want to keep themselves up. I forced them down with a measure of will.

“You feel it, don’t you?” she whispered with a smile. She used the leash to make me stand. “Drop ‘em,” she commanded, looking at the pants. I did. “I thought you’d be happy to see me…” she said, looking at my fully extended manhood. I didn’t want to, but… her moans were sexy as hell. She gently put one of her paws on it and traced it lightly. “Different from a cat’s, that’s for sure… No spikes.” She gripped it. “And much bigger.” She let it go. “On the bed.”

I looked at the bed. I looked back at her and fluttered my wings. She noticed and understood. “Deal with it,” she said with a smile, shoving me down.

I hit hard, smarting my wings rather fiercely. Before I could move, she was on me. And before I could notice that she was on me, I was in her. She growled deep in her throat. “Nice… tight… fit…” she whispered, adjusting slightly at each word. Holy fuck, she’s tight. When she was finally adjusted, she pulled my leash until I was closer up, removing some of the weight off my wings. “I have been… well trained, Navarone. I don’t expect you to keep up.” Her eyes narrowed. “But if I find you cum before you absolutely couldn’t hold it in any longer…” she pulled me as close as she could get and leaned down the rest of the way so our eyes were right next to each other, “…I’ll borrow some toys from Jocasta so I can teach you how a real tom pleases a molly.” What? She leaned down even further and kissed me deeply, pushing her tongue in my mouth and brooking no resistance from me. When she pulled back, she was wearing a tight smile. “I’m glad to know you can be so pliable. I’m sure your princess loves that as well.” Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the girls in this world? And why does everyone think I’m fucking Celestia?

She dropped the leash and I fell back, letting my arms catch me before my wings got caught in the bed again. Then she began to ride me. With her juices flowing as they were, she had no problem taking all of me in, even though I was apparently so much larger than the typical cat. The only sounds in our little tent were her deep moans and the thwapping sound of wet fur against wet skin.

I felt the pleasure build very quickly, but knew that if I came too soon I would very deeply regret it. I did my best to hold it in as long as I could, but she wasn’t lying when she said she was trained; she was squeezing me in just the right places at just the right times. I don’t know how she knew how to pleasure a human, but holy fuck, I wasn’t complaining.

I didn’t realize how much I was getting to her, though… Apparently she wasn’t quite used to someone with my apparent size. She was still going just fine, but was now lying across my chest. I looked in her face and saw either pain or pleasure, it was hard to tell. I was guessing pleasure, since she was still going just as happily as she began.

And her fur and body felt great against my bare chest. She was really, really soft, and squishy in all the places a human would be. I would have wrapped my arms around her if she hadn’t already told me to not use my hands. Or if I wasn’t holding myself up. Or if she wasn’t technically raping me.

Either way, with her lying across me, every motion she made brushed her clit against me, giving her even more pleasure. She actually came before me, and her contractions caused me to finally lose it. When she started, I felt her arms go to my back. Oh, how cu—HOLY SHIT!

I arched my back, pressing myself further against her. I felt and heard blood dripping onto the bed behind me. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS BITCH! I tried to push her off of me, but her claws were actually dug into my back now.

When she rode out the wave of pleasure, she pulled herself gently off my chest and looked up at me, her claws still in my back. I was looking at her with horror, my eyes wide. She smiled. “You’re mine now, my little birdy. And I know just how to take care of you… And if you don’t give me what I want, when I want,” she said, her eyes narrowing, “I think I know just how to take it.” She pulled one of her paws off of my back and brought it up to her face. It was covered in blood. She smiled and took a little lick. “This is just the beginning,” she promised me.

Oh shit…

The next night began her… lessons. Over the nights, she taught me how to properly go down on a chick, how to hit all the right spots in every thrust, how to last as long as possible, how to make the girl beg, and more. It was informative, but each night ended with more scars in my back, less sleep for me, and another rape. I quickly learned to dread nights.

The lesson she taught me that she didn’t want me to learn was how to be silent. After the fifth night she didn’t get a peep from me until she scratched me at the night’s end. I couldn’t resist her or fight back for fear of retribution, but by God I could make her lose by not singing for her.

One week. Every night. I have no idea how much blood I lost. After the third day, I tried postponing my visits with Spike until the night to try to get her to go to sleep waiting for me, but she got Miguel to look after him and teach him things whenever I tried to visit him. I gave up on that tactic quickly, since it was my daily talks with Spike that kept me sane.

“You know, my little bird,” she was saying one night, “it would be so much easier if you just accepted this.” She ran a claw down my chest and onto my dick—not scratching anything, just making my skin tingle.

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t, with my mouth gagged; I let off a scream one night when she went way too far and now she kept me gagged for these sessions—when my mouth wasn’t being used for something else, that is.

“Oh, I know, you give me whatever I want and I take what you’re not willing to part with,” she continued, “But you still aren’t fully mine.” She patted me gently on my cheek. The one on my face, I mean. “Don’t get me wrong, mind: Your body is what I really enjoy. But would it hurt you so much to put your all into it? To really start looking forward to it?”

Fuck you and fuck your Stockholm syndrome.

She sighed and casually swiped her claws across my face, drawing blood. Another noticeable scar. It can join those on my soul. “I’m starting to think you don’t enjoy this!”

(Sex is over)

After that one week mark, I was beyond tired, completely exhausted. In the day, I walked. When we stopped, I was forced to fuck. And usually after that, I had to do a mission of some kind. So I was running off almost no sleep, little food, little water, and a lot of blood loss.

I snapped.

When I entered the tent, Kat was waiting for me, as usual. That same smile I had grown so familiar with was on her face. The tent flap closed behind me as I stepped inside, neither of us realizing what was about to happen.

“Mm, are you ready for our next little session?” she sensually asked, standing and holding up the collar.

In my weariness, in my weakness—or perhaps my strength—I casually said, “Nah.”

The smile on her face deepened. “It sure would be a shame if something were to happen to your dragon friend, wouldn’t it?”

“Fuck him. I’m going to bed.”

“Oh? So you don’t care if we… hurt him?” she asked, stepping closer.

“I’m tired. I’m hungry. I’m in pain. I’m not doing this tonight.”

She chuckled, taking one more step up to me, reaching a paw out to my chest.

My right hand shot out and wrapped around her throat before her paw was even halfway there. Both of her eyes jerked open wide as I squeezed and lifted her off the floor. “I’ve been thinking,” I said, walking closer to the cot, her body dangling off the ground in front of me. Grunts were coming out of her mouth, like she was trying to say something. “I’m a lot bigger than you. A lot stronger than you. And you know, you absolutely require Equestria’s help if you want to survive. Hurting either me or Spike… Well, let’s just say that would be a bad idea.”

She was over the bed at this point. I leaned back slightly and then suddenly forced my arm and upper body down, slamming her into the bed on her back. As soon as she touched down, both of her paws went to my arm, trying to scratch me. I barely even felt it, since I was so high off adrenaline, starvation, and sleep deprivation. But either way, I lifted a leg up and put my knee on her stomach, immediately increasing the pressure until her arms pulled away. When they did, my knee lifted.

“So you don’t really have anything on me. After all, you can’t hurt either of us without some extreme consequences. But you know what? Equestria doesn’t need you. And you know what’s funny? The whole camp knows we’ve been fucking.” My other hand reached down and tore her pants down. If it was even possible, her eyes went even wider. “So I could do whatever I wanted to you right now. If you told anyone it was rape, who would believe you? After all, you came back night after night… And why would I take what’s freely given? What you’ve bragged about? So what do you think?” As I asked that, I loosened my grip around her throat.

“P-please!” she hoarsely whispered.

“Oh? You want me to?” I asked. "‘Please fuck me hard, you big strong human’?”

“N-n-no!”

“And why shouldn’t I?” I hissed, tightening my grip and leaning in close to her face, my eyes narrowing. “After all you’ve done to me, who would ever say this isn’t fair?” I loosened my grip again, letting her speak, but she had no words to say. “You’re very lucky in one regard, Kat. I. Am not. You.” With that statement, I sharply stood, dragging her up again. Then I threw her aside, away from me. “If you so much as look at me funny again, don’t expect any guards to get here quickly enough to save you,” I growled, glaring at her.

She was still too terrified to look at me at all, at this point. All she could do was huddle on the sandy ground, curled into a ball and gently clutching at her throat. She might have been crying, but I didn’t care one way or another.

“I’m going to bed,” I finally said after a few seconds of glaring at her. She still didn’t make a sound or barely move a muscle as I fell onto the cot, clothes and all.

Things changed a little after that. Kat never so much as looked at me. The other cot that went missing from our tent before reappeared and she slept on it instead. I still had to do missions, but I wasn’t getting abused anymore.

Things continued reasonably well, though extremely slowly, for the next week. At least we were still heading northeast, even if we were liberating slave camps left and right.

Seriously, we were pushing two thousand by the time we actually saw the Suez Canal. And the funny thing, at least if you have no sense of humor: The Suez Canal isn’t even the fucking border of Egypt and the Middle East. We still had, like, a hundred miles to go.

But, as I was assured by virtually everyone, the going would be easier once we passed the canal. And our doing so would be good for the morale of every slave left on our side: We would be the first group to successfully force the canal. Emphasis on successfully.

Of course, it wasn’t as easy as just fording the thing. No, these cats had to be difficult about it. I offered to fly across a few ropes or something to create a rope bridge, but noooo, they wanted the morale boost of taking one of the bridges themselves.

I very seriously almost told them to fuck off, consequences be damned. And if it was just me there, I would have. But with Spike involved… I was rather pissed at Celestia for telling him to come along.

Speaking of Spike, he was having a blast. These cat people did respect dragons, apparently, but not enough to fail to use him as a bargaining chip to attempt to keep me in line. He didn’t see what my problem was with the whole thing.

“Stop worrying, Navarone! We’ve made it this far. What more could they throw at us?” That was worrying me as well, actually. They hadn’t really done anything against us. Sure, we lost a few fighters when we attacked camps, but there hadn’t been any big attacks against us. Just sorties from the occasional patrol.

That made me think they were planning something big, probably when most of our fighters were away dealing with the bridge. They could hit our camp, kill the defenseless weak, and be gone before our fighters even knew there was a problem.

And when I broached the subject to Jocasta, she told me not to worry about it, that it was taken care of.

Oh, and for anyone wondering: I was right. We were starving. And we were mostly dehydrated. It had taken us damn near a month to get to the fucking Suez Canal. After the first two weeks, Celestia didn’t even bother asking for progress reports anymore.

We were almost completely out of food, almost out of water—the canal water was not good to drink without some preparation—and we were all tired. I actually passed out once, near the end of the journey. I woke up being dragged by a few of the warriors I had helped in the past.

The plan for the attack on the bridge called for a two-pronged assault on both sides, the attack on our side led by Rock and the attack on the other side led by me, with some hand picked fighters renowned for their skills with daggers.

Basically, my job was to keep the bridge down. It could be lowered or raised from one side or the other, and we had to secure the control rooms for both, while the rest of the group attacked and led most of the guards away.

When we held one side, we were supposed to signal another group of fighters, who were supposed to dash in from the enemy’s side dressed as enemy reinforcements and hold the bridge. We could tell them apart from the enemy troops by a headband. I predicted a few friendly fire casualties, but not many. Another group of assassins were spread out across the city with orders to kill guards if possible when the fighting started, and if not possible, at least delay them from reaching contested zones.

At the time, we had upwards of seven hundred fighting-fit soldiers. Fifty were to be ‘enemy’ reinforcements. Twenty were to be my assassins. One hundred were to guard the camp. I don’t know how many general murderers there were. The rest were a part of the big fight.

My group went into the crowded city at midnight, when most people were asleep. Some scaled the walls, some went in through the gates, some hid in carts or wagons. Miguel and I did a short flying jump over the gates. Our goal was the tavern of a friendly ex-slave. We weren’t going to actually meet there, but rather, each was to leave a mark on the door that showed that he had been there, and then get into position to wait for the signal.

Why, you ask? Because I watch movies. Everyone has a price. No reason to risk betrayal.

Miguel and I were watching the tavern from across the street. Just two cats that were tired and wanted to rest but had no money, one with his face covered and the other glaring enough at anyone else that none bothered us.

When the last mark was placed on time, we moved out, sticking together. Everyone here had a buddy, just in case, and everyone had a different objective. Their markings showed that they were all clear and on the move, ready to move on the signal.

At 2:15 AM, Miguel and I successfully scaled a bell tower, and waited for sunrise. When we predicted it was time, we forced the mechanism to turn, ringing the bells before they were due.

As some people scratched their heads, confused as to what was going on, nine different groups of assassins killed all the guards covering the bridge on our side of the Canal. I don’t know a definite count, but I was betting it was about forty guards.

No alarm was raised.

There were still guards in the city, but none were covering our side of the bridge. It was currently down, since there was no reason to raise it.

Miguel and I glided down the tower, keeping mostly out of sight. From start to finish, that phase took five minutes.

On the other side of the Canal, around five hundred fighters were now attacking the town, roaring battle cries. Another group of assassins were supposed to take out the gate keepers so the gates would stay open, but I didn’t know at the time how that fight was going.

We still had half a bridge to take, and we couldn’t dedicate all of our men to attacking it. We were able to wave our ‘enemy’ reinforcements forward, to take the spots of the sentries that we had killed. Their disguises wouldn’t survive a close examination, but it was enough to fool a quick look.

I took most of my assassins across the bridge. This side was going to be messier; the guards would be on an alert of sorts due to the city being attacked, but they still wouldn’t be expecting us. And we wouldn’t have time to plan a massive signal. Basically, it was kill silently if you could, and if you couldn’t, then just kill.

My men were good, though. Only one short alarm was called, and it was dealt with by a quick fake out, pretending to be the guard when asked what was happening. Lazy, unprofessional bastards. And thank God for it, too. My assassins were to hold this side of the bridge, while the other side was to be raised so as to prevent any real enemy reinforcements to get across for as long as possible.

We predicted a total of seven hundred and fifty guards in the city, and we killed about eighty or so at the bridge. The murderers that were at work throughout the city were also building up an impressive count.

I couldn’t afford to leave the bridge, or I would have reported to Rock that we held it. That and I honestly didn’t care anymore. The camp should be moving into the city now, though; part of the plan had them follow the fighters in and grab what food and water they could while heading in basically a straight line behind the main mass of fighters.

Of course, city fighting is a bitch. Especially in a city like this: Mazelike, unplanned, with hidey holes and whatnot all over the damn place. We would probably lose some people just from them getting lost, and we couldn’t afford to wait for them on the other side; once we got moving, we had to stay moving.

I checked behind me, and the other side was still up. I nodded to myself and sent Miguel off for a message to Rock: “Bridge is secure. No casualties. Hurry but take your time.”

Then I sent another assassin team with the same message, because Miguel was going to be too busy killing to deliver it. It was set to be a good day.

Four hours later, I was proven wrong.

There was a large, large mass of soldiers outside the walls on the east side. Enemy soldiers.

We held the town. There were no guards left alive that weren’t disarmed. Most of the citizens were locked in their houses. Most of our people were locked in a circle right behind the east walls, where arrows couldn’t hit them.

Rock had been injured in the battle. I had no idea where Kat was; she had been in one of the wandering murder teams for the main battle. Jocasta was on her way up the wall when the enemy soldiers held up a parley flag.

One of our troops asked if we wanted to raise the gates. Jocasta said yes and I said hell no.

“Let’s just fucking fly down there. We don’t want them rushing the gates.” She couldn’t deny the logic in that, so off we went. Just the two of us. In the middle of a no-man’s land. Right in front of a mass of at least fifteen hundred enemy troops.

Yeah, that good day went really shitty really quickly.

The enemy general was a pompous looking little twit. His demand was basically our immediate surrender, yada yada.

We presented a counter-argument. “We own this city now, but we don’t really want it that much. We’d much prefer to keep going east. If you march your men north and leave us be, we’ll just keep going east.” It was a nice argument, with a hint of a threat and an easy solution for both sides.

Sadly, he didn’t make it easy. “That would mean my head. I’m sorry, but I cannot let you leave.”

“What if a foreign power got involved?” I asked.

“Yes, I’ve heard tales of you, pony-lover. Tell me, why should we care what the Equestrians think of us?”

“Because Celestia wants this group of slaves alive and in her borders. And she has a large army a few hundred miles that way,” with a point east, “that she can magically teleport here in the blink of an eye.”

“If she knew I’m here—which I don’t believe she does—what proof do I have that she can do as you ask?”

“She’s the eternal queen of more than half the planet. You know that unicorns can teleport, because it happened when ponies were banned from leaving. Well, as it turns out, Celestia is rather displeased at that ban. And she’s more powerful than any unicorn in existence. Even if she just teleports herself in, do you really think she would hesitate to deal with your little army?”

“And what proof do you even have that you’re one of her agents? I’ve heard talk that you are nothing more than an upstart mercenary that betrayed his first job to the rebels, and then forged a tale of lies that you were an agent of the crown.”

“The fact that I’ve made it this far. What manner of ‘upstart mercenary’ could lead so many sneak attacks on your slave camps so successfully? What manner of ‘upstart mercenary’ helps lead a group of slaves out of desert when it would be more profitable to sell them off? What manner of ‘upstart mercenary’ takes over a fucking town with the help of an army?”

He harrumphed. “I will consult my officers. You will have one hour to do the same.” With that, he turned on his heel and strode off. We flew back up to the wall.

“I need Spike, right now,” I told Jocasta.

“Why?”

“Because I wasn’t lying about getting Celestia here. It has reached the point where I think we need a bit of intervention. In an hour I’m guessing his answer will be flying at us in the form of a rock from a catapult.”

She led me to Spike.

Writing quickly, I explained the situation to Celestia and asked her for assistance.

Her reply was brief: “Get airborne.” I immediately took off.

Not a minute later, Celestia appeared, flying next to me. I could not explain the relief I felt upon seeing her. If we weren’t both in the air I would have broken all decorum and wrapped my grubby arms about her.

“We’ll talk later,” is what she said. “Take me to this general.”

We landed to grab an awestruck Jocasta, then took off again. We settled in the no-man’s land and waited.

I feel like it would have been a beautiful picture, if there had been a camera around. A lightly clothed cat woman standing with claws fully bared, glaring hate at an approaching army. A winged human cradling a dusty, cocked crossbow in his arms, covered in desert rags from the neck down, wind shifting his long, greasy hair in the wind. A sheathed sword was on his back and a covered quiver of bolts was on his hips. Daggers and knives lined his body. And between them stood a majestic alicorn, taller than both her honor guards, practically radiating the sunlight she was named after. Behind us, a massive, smoking desert city, walls of light clay and manned by a ragged slave army nervously fingering weapons. Before us, a massive army, rank upon rank of well-trained desert fighters just waiting for the order to charge. It was three against fifteen hundred. I felt good about those odds.

“So… what do we do if they charge?” Jocasta asked.

“We cover the princess until she’s in no danger. Then we fucking bail.”

Jocasta snorted. “You can guard the back of your precious princess. If they charge, I’m running.”

Princess Celestia didn’t say anything.

The wait wasn’t long. The enemy general abandoned his officers and came sprinting to us. When he reached us, he took a look at Celestia, rubbed his eyes, and looked again, still speechless and gaping. She was just smiling sadly.

Without a word, she lowered her horn and touched him lightly with it. He went rigid with shock, and his army started shouting and readying weapons. But then he relaxed and waved them down. She had just completely refreshed him, to prove that she was real.

He nodded slowly, saying, “We’ll be gone in an hour.”

And they were, too. It was quite a sight. I heard later that the general was commissioning a statue there that detailed that moment. It was pretty much the turning point in the entire ‘war’, for what little it’s worth.

Our group of slaves was free to leave and the army was no longer enforcing any slave laws. It was a military coup of the most interesting kind: A relatively peaceful one.

Eventually, of course, the general we left went back and reentered the town, restoring order. He didn’t stop there, though; he went farther, to Catro itself, and ousted the terrible government that was in place. I heard he finally confronted and killed the king in front of the Sphinx, which ever after became known as the symbol of freedom for Egypt.

All Celestia had to do was show up at the right moment, and all we had to do was build that right moment up.

Relations are still somewhat strained between them and Equestria, but my month of hell was over. With the coast clear, Jocasta let me and Spike leave, so Celestia took us with her. There were no words to describe my relief.

A little tidbit from your Master Discord

While Celestia, Jocasta, and Navarone were staring down the enemy general, Miguel was huffing and puffing, spitting out blood. He had just taken down an entire squad of guards and received a spear through the lungs for his trouble. The guard that cast the spear lay dead at Miguel’s feet.

Slowly, Miguel started to slouch. Blades fell from nerveless fingers. Their clattering to the cobblestones was the only sound on the deserted street, wet with blood. He started to collapse.

I caught him and picked him up, then brought us through time and space, bringing him to my safe haven in the forest. “Just enough to keep him alive for a few more minutes, Trixie,” I whispered into her mind.

Without a word, she poured a haunting mix of true magic and bastardized spells into the cat. His body convulsed in shock at the unprofessional healing, forcing his eyes open.

Before he could say anything, I poured light into the room. Just enough so that he could see me and Trixie. “Miguel,” I said, “you are a murderer. A sociopath. A monster.”

He smiled. “I may be a monster, but at least I’m not a freak,” he answered, looking at me.

I answered his smile with my own. “I may be a freak, but I am a freak with power. I can give you life. I can let you live forever. I can let you kill forever. There is, of course, a price.”

“I know of prices,” he said, coughing lightly. “I’ve paid plenty. I’ve ducked out of paying more.”

“There is nowhere you can run to hide from my eyes,” I said. “But I don’t think you will mind my price, since it also involves killing.”

“I’m listening,” he hoarsely answered.

“In time, I will call for you. I will have need of your services. When I call, you will answer and you will do as I say. In return for doing as I say, I will save your life now and I will give you an ageless life.”

“How do I know you can keep your promise?” he asked, rightfully so.

I put a finger to his forehead and showed him what his future could be. And then I showed him what his future will be if he didn’t do as I commanded.

He slowly nodded upon seeing both. “Once a slave, always a slave,” he said in a whisper. “I am yours, freak.”

I snapped my fingers, healing him completely and sending him back to his miserable little city.

“He would happily betray me,” I mused aloud, stretching.

Trixie looked at me with concern. “Then why would you trust him? Why would you give him anything?”

I rubbed her head affectionately. “Because, my dear, he will give me what I need first. After that, his use will be expended.” I turned and began to walk further into the sanctum with Trixie at my heels. I knew what she was thinking before she asked it.

“And me? What will I be to you when I am no longer needed?”

A footrest, perhaps? I did have a few ideas of what to do with Trixie when she stopped being useful. “I will always have need of a steward,” I answered. “And there are always functions a loyal mare can do for someone like myself.” If there’s a Lord Discord, why not have a Lady Discord? Of course, I had absolutely no interest in things of that nature, but if she wanted to think that, why not?

I knew she was beaming at me. “I will do anything you ask, master! Anything!”

“I know, Trixie,” I said, running an eagle talon down her throat without turning to face her. No real interest, but… if nothing else, I might get bored.

Eternity is a long time, after all.

Chapter Seventeen—Coming down from the high of war

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oGvmIs5MYMOhCG-52v91WbPD5V0i4dl-iOkIuKexj5k/edit#

Celestia teleported me and Spike to a city that was called Ramla. The main population of that place was apparently sheep. I honestly wanted to make a joke about that, but I couldn’t find it in me. I just wanted to get healed and get some undisturbed sleep. And then some food.

When we arrived, it was to some manner of bedroom. We were the only ones there at the time.

“Do you want me to take care of those scars on your face?” Celestia sweetly asked before I could do much looking around.

I gave her a dead look. “There’s a lot more wrong with me than my face, Celestia,” I answered.

She raised an eyebrow and kept her smile. “Did you get a few scratches playing with your cat friend?” she asked. “I’m sure Luna woul—What are you doing?” I was taking my shirt off.

She gasped in horror. Spike echoed it.

My entire back was a mass of scars, some of which might have been leaking blood. There was a brand on my chest. I had a tattoo on one shoulder. There was more that I don’t want to talk about.

“Whenever you’re done staring,” I said. It all hurt. A lot. There were times I had to be dragged behind some of the slaves because I just couldn’t move. I still haven’t figured out how I was able to do so many raids. I like to think it was for Spike; I figured if I didn’t help he would be hurt. It’s one thing to not let Kat rape me. It’s another thing to tell Jocasta no.

Celestia stopped gaping and rushed to my side. Her horn glowed a beautiful gold and gave me sweet release from the pain. She backed away from me with a confused look on her face.

Before she could say anything I pulled out my dagger. “Get ready to heal me some more,” I warned. “I’m not leaving this filthy thing on my skin.” I put the dagger to the tattoo, but Celestia stopped me with magic.

“We have a better way of dealing with that,” she said, her voice strained. “We’ll do it later. What happened to you?”

I looked down at Spike, who was still staring at my body in horror. I looked back up to Celestia. “I fell down some stairs. We’ll never speak of this again.”

“Nav, stairs don’t do that to a pony!” Spike finally spoke up. “I knew you were hurt from your raids, but I never knew it was that bad!”

I looked at him. “I think you remember the agreement we made to never speak of this again,” I said. “Stop it.” He blinked. I turned back to Celestia. “I need a bed.”

She looked like she was about to cry. “I didn’t know they were torturing you, Nav…” she whispered. She saw my face harden and she sighed. “Take this bed. There was going to be a feast of sorts to welcome you back, but I think you need this more. Spike, come with me.”

He gulped and gave me one last look before hesitantly following her out. I was in bed before they got out the door and asleep before they were a few steps away.

I woke up from what I later learned was nearly twenty hours of sleep. Being healed takes a lot out of someone, and my previous sleep deprivation, dehydration, blood loss, and hunger did a serious number on me as well.

Needless to say, I woke up feeling terrible. More so when I found I went to bed with all of my weapons on me, so I had a dagger jabbed in my side the entire time. And I was also terrified, given that I had no idea where the hell I was. A quick look around showed me I was safe, thankfully. The room was well-furnished, a few steps down from what I would call opulent. I saw a heavily curtained window, but I didn’t feel like checking it out.

Of course, given that I had just spent over a month living in a tent, all that it took for a room to be nice was a bed and no crazy cat lady doing terrifying things to me. I achingly got to my feet, pulled the knife away from my stomach so it didn’t hit the spot where it had been all night, and began to stretch. With my body limbered and a little less sore, I looked around and quickly found a bathroom. There, I took the most glorious shower I had ever had, though a lot of the water ended up in my mouth instead of on my body. I was still thirsty as hell, after all.

When I got as much of the dirt, grime, shame, and blood off of me as I could, I got out. I didn’t have any change of clothes since I was in a large hurry to get away from the cats, so it was with much disappointment that I put on the nasty pants that took me through the deserts. I didn’t bother with a shirt; no one here but Spike, Celestia, and Twilight knew that I even wore one.

Then I looked down and noticed my unwanted tattoo and put the shirt on.

I settled on the bed with a sigh. Some of what Kat did to me… I would probably never mentally recover from some of it. Some of what I was forced to do I would also probably not recover from. But such is life, I suppose.

I was enjoying the shade from being inside and the sensation of not moving for what was probably an hour when there was a gentle knocking at my door. I pushed myself out of bed and answered it, finding myself face-to-air with a small sheep. I suppose for her it was face-to-stomach. “Yes?” I whispered, my voice a bit unused to speaking. I coughed and tried again, sounding much louder.

The sheep jumped when I coughed. “The princess sent me here to see if you needed anything,” she answered, eyes downcast.

“Food and clothes. And something to drink. I haven’t eaten much of anything in days and this is the only pair of clothing I have. After that, I’ll need a way to remove a tattoo.” I didn’t expect clothing and the tattoo removal any time soon, honestly. If it meant getting food, I didn’t care. I could feel a hole gnawing its way through my stomach.

Fifteen minutes later, I was wondering why I even fucking bothered getting out of bed. I looked down at the plate of flowers. Then up at the sheep. Then back down. “I can’t eat this,” I finally said, looking up again. “Where are the kitchens? I’ll just go loot them instead.”

She smiled shee—No, I’m not going to resort to puns. She smiled nervously. “They’re quite good, I can assure you.”

I sighed and rubbed my temple. “My biology makes eating flowers bad for me. If I ate these, I would be sick and could possibly die. I forgot that this would be a problem, since I’ve been living among carnivores for so long.” She blanched at that, but I kept going, “I need to get to the kitchens so I can get something I can eat.”

She still didn’t look that happy. “The princess wanted you to stay here for a little while longer…”

I pulled out my knife. “I can eat sheep, if you’re interested in me staying here.”

She led me to the kitchen at a pace that was somewhat hard to keep up with. I saw quite a few ponies around, but most of them were guards. A few of them nodded to me.

When I got to the kitchen, I promptly looted the shit out of it. By which I mean I showed up, scared the staff on accident, and poked around until they asked me what I wanted. I grabbed some stuff and was thrown out the kitchen into a small cafeteria, where I was the only one there. Leftover stew—vegetable, sadly—bread, a few apples… I didn’t feel that great when I finished, but by God I wasn’t hungry anymore. Thankfully, the cafeteria I was shown to didn’t make me wash my own dishes, so I just found the little sheep staring at me fearfully from the door and had her lead me back.

“I’m not really going to eat you,” I said on the way. She flinched. “And I can’t read minds either.” She flinched again. “I don’t eat things that can talk, and I would never be the only one eating meat among a large group of herbivores.” That didn’t seem to calm her down too much, but I also didn’t really care.

“The princess is going to kill me,” she finally moaned.

“You’re still worried about that? Jesus, just tell her—if she asks, that is—that I needed to tell the kitchen workers what I could eat. She’ll understand. And if she doesn’t ask, don’t volunteer the information; what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.”

Thankfully, we got back to my room before anything more was said. When we did, she said, “The princess wishes to invite you to dinner, guest. The meal will begin in eight hours, I believe.” She checked a clock in my room and nodded smartly, regaining some of her composure. “If there is anything you require, I—” She gulped. “—I am to be your liaison.”

“Anything?” I asked, my voice drooping to what I was taught was seductive.

She gulped again.

I bent down closer to her, close enough that I was able to smell her light strawberry shampoo. “I need,” I whispered… And then stood up straight and continued in a regular voice, “Clothes and a way to remove a tattoo. And then I have a few questions.”

She let out a small sigh and said with a bit of a frown, “I don’t know where I can get clothing your size, but tattoo removal shouldn’t be that hard. There’s a court unicorn in the palace that claims to know you. I bet she could do it.”

“It has been a while since I saw Twilight… But no, she doesn’t need to know of this. Don’t mention it to her; it can wait. If you know of either a good tailor or a place I could wash the clothing I have. Either would do. I refuse to go near Celestia again with clothing this dirty; I may be irreverent, but I am not suicidal.”

Her eyes lit up a bit. “I can drop your clothes off at the palace laundry room. They should be done fairly quickly.”

I looked down at her. She looked up at me, smiling to finally be able to do something useful—or to get away from me for a while.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, going to the bathroom. I wasn’t about to strip in front of her. I took all my clothing off, removed all the hidden weapons, tied a massive pony towel around my waist, draped another around my shoulders so the tattoo would be hidden, and walked back out. I found her staring at me with the same happy expression. “You’re way too chipper,” I said as I gave her the clothes.

“The princess sent me here personally to help you!” she beamed. And she was bipolar. Maybe she just really wanted to get out of here. Or maybe no one here ever flirted with her.

I didn’t care either way. “Bring them back when they’re cleaned. I can get more clothing later.”

She didn’t move. “Can I… see your tattoo?” she asked.

I looked at her. “How old are you?” I finally asked.

She wasn’t expecting that question. “Uh… old enough?”

I snorted. “No one’s old enough to see this. Even Celestia was horrified. Go on. I’ll need you to show me how to get to Twilight when you get back with those cleaned.”

“I could do that on the way, you know,” she said, still not moving.

I turned my back to her. “See you in an hour or so,” I said as I moved to the bed. I heard the door open and shut as I went to the bed. I plopped back down, grateful to be alone in silence once again.

An hour later, I was on my way to Twilight’s lab. The sheep had calmed down and was now neither happy nor scared. I was beginning to think she really was bipolar. Thankfully, she didn’t put up a fight to take me to Twilight; I think she talked to Celestia or something.

Apparently, Twilight’s room was clear across the palace, because it took us nearly ten minutes of walking to get there. We passed several large windows on the way, giving me a nice look at the city. It was a pretty cool place, and I saw herbivores of all races walking its streets. There was a coastline off in the distance.

When we got to Twilight’s room, I sent the servant chick on her way. I found that Twilight had a pretty nice pad, much nicer than the room I was given. Not that I was really complaining, of course; I was happy to have a room at all.

“About time you woke up,” Twilight said when she saw me walk in. She pointed a hoof at a morose looking Spike and said, “He’s been whining for hours. I don’t know what you did to him in that month and a half you spent playing in the desert, but you need to bring him back to his senses.”

My hands balled into fists at her wording. Spike was glaring at her and I probably was too. “Playing?” I whispered. She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Tell that to the cats I killed—and the cats I saved,” I said louder. She flinched. “Spike, let’s go. We’ll be back before the feast, Twilight.”

“Where are you going?” she demanded. I looked at her as Spike came to my side.

“Out,” I answered.

We turned to go. “Out where?” she asked.

“To do guy things,” I said as I opened the door. She sniffed but didn’t stop us. I was hoping this meeting would be a lot happier, but if she was going to be like that… So be it.

We were a few feet down the hall when Spike asked, “So where are we going, anyway?”

“Fuck if I know. I woke up a few hours ago and haven’t gone anywhere but my room and the kitchens. If you’ve found anywhere nice and peaceful to sit and talk, we can go there.”

I saw him shrugging out of the corner of my eye. “When I left you, the princess took me to the throne room, where we talked about… some things. Ever since then, I’ve been with Twilight.”

“Then let’s just head to my room.” I started retracing the steps to get there. “Why does Twilight think you’re sulking?” I looked down and noticed him having a bit of a hard time keeping up. I picked him up and gave him a piggy-back ride.

He sighed and leaned over onto my head. “There’s no meat here,” he finally said. “And no gems,” he hastily tacked on. “I had to eat vegetable stew last night! After so long of eating meat, it was…” I felt him shiver slightly. “Not that great.”

It might have been near starvation talking, but I thought it was pretty good. “We’re back in herbivore territory, Spike. We’re not going to get anywhere by eating meat in front of them. Maybe when we get back home I’ll teach you how to hunt.” He perked up a bit at that. “I think my crossbow might have a bit too much of a kick for you to use, but it’ll still do you good to learn.”

We talked a bit about hunting on the way to my room. The walk between the two rooms seems to take much less time when you’re actually talking to a friend. We made it there quickly enough. Thankfully, nothing had been disturbed. I set Spike down and we sat in silence for a moment.

“Nav, about…” He stopped, looking at me. I saw his eyes flick to where he knew I was tattooed. He sighed and shook his head. “What happened?”

“Kat happened,” I answered. “And that is all you need to know. I never want you to ask about it and I never want to hear you bring it up again.” He didn’t look that pleased with the answer, but it was all he was going to get. I started searching the room, since I hadn’t actually looked around before. “Look around, see if you can find anything worth noting,” I said.

He shook his head, but did so. “So what are we looking for?” he finally asked.

“Money. Food. Anything, really. I don’t know if Celestia prepped these rooms for me or not, but if there’s money here I’m planning on going into town and finding a tailor.”

“And what if the money we find wasn’t meant for you?” he asked.

I scoffed. “What are they going to do, send me back to Egypt? Flog me? Brand me?” I sniffed. “There’s not much they can do to me that hasn’t been done.”

He looked at me with a bit of concern before turning back to the search. With a grunt he hefted a small bag and pulled the strings. “I found a few bits,” he said, tossing the bag up lightly. I held my hand out and he tossed the bag to me.

I checked it. “Should be enough,” I said with a small nod. “Now, about Twilight,” I started, only to be stopped by a knock at the door.

“Navarone, are you in there?” I heard Celestia’s voice ring out.

I turned to Spike and put a finger to my lips. I didn’t want to talk to Celestia just yet, because I knew what she would want to talk about. I quietly walked to my window and peeled the curtain back. I smiled at what I saw: My room was facing away from the palace and we were on the second or third floor. I eagerly wrenched the windows open, thanking whoever was listening to my wordless pleas that the hinges were silent. I motioned to Spike, who came over to me with a questioning look.

I put the bag in a pocket and picked Spike up without a word. I heard a knock again and without a thought I defenestrated myself, letting my wings unfurl.

“Why are we running from the princess?” Spike finally asked when we were a few feet out the window.

“We’re not,” I answered. “We’re flying from her. And I consider it more of a tactical retreat than a case of ‘running away.’ I simply don’t wish to talk to her right now, and opening the door would require doing so.”

“That sounds an awful lot like running away, Nav,” he said doubtfully.

I smiled. “It’s all about perspective. Honestly, I’m surprised she even took the time to come see me. Kind of makes me feel bad about this, but then I remember that I just did the most painful thing in my life for her. Least she can do is wait a few damn hours.”

“Well when you put it that way… It still makes you seem kind of like a jerk.”

We were pretty low to the ground now, and getting close to what I considered a decent landing point, but I still had time to say, “A fall from this height might not kill you, but that just means it’ll hurt longer.” He just shook his head. It’s good that he didn’t keep going, since I had no intention of dropping him.

I landed with a practiced ease and set Spike down. We were in a large square in the city proper, and there was quite a large group of sheep staring at us in what was probably fear. Take me to your leader! Wait, I’m running from her… I sighed inwardly. Things are never as easy as they are in the movies.

I looked down at Spike who was looking at the sheep with what looked like hunger in his eyes. “Spike, how long has it been since you ate?” I asked.

He blinked and looked away from the sheep. “Uh… Last night, probably. I didn’t feel up to eating breakfast…”

I stuck my hand in my pocket and fingered the bag of coins. Enough to get food, if nothing else. “Let’s find a bazaar or something and get you some food, then. I’m not going to have you…” I looked at the crowd that was still staring at us in fear. I decided against saying what I was going to say. “Let’s go.”

“Can we find some meat?” he asked, hunger evident in his voice. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see everyone in the audience flinch.

“Dammit, Spike…” I grabbed him and put him over my shoulder. “Watch my back. If one of them tries to come at me, let me know.” So I got a bit paranoid in Egypt. I’m okay with that.

You know, I kind of forgot there was a whole starvation thing going on. I passed several stalls with withered fruit and all wanted more than I was willing to pay. We were looking for nearly an hour when I leaned against a side wall, Spike at my side.

“Celestia is going to starve me back to the castle, like it or not,” I wearily said. I actually didn’t have a problem with that. She was usually fun to talk to, and living in the royal seat of power has all manner of benefits. But I liked having options if I needed to get somewhere else. Still, living near the coast gave me options. “If it comes down to it, I’ll teach you how to fish,” I finally said. Spike didn’t say anything. He was too busy watching the crowds of passing sheep with hunger in his eyes.

The sheep were relatively used to us now, but many of them still stopped and stared until they noticed that Spike was staring back with a terrifying expression. He might be a baby dragon, but he was still a predator, and his time with the cats gave him a taste for meat. When I looked into his eyes now, I saw more of a dangerous glint in them. It looked less like he was going to talk to someone and more like he was going to hunt them down and make them a little snack.

I was so proud.

Now because that seems perhaps cruel, let me put this in perspective for you. Spike is a motherfucking dragon. A. Dragon. The kings of the mythology of my world. And he is working as a servant for a unicorn. A unicorn is the living embodiment of purity in my world. They only appear for virgins and ha-ha laugh it up at my first pony encounter all you want, it’s fucking true. So a dragon out of legends born of blood and fire is a servant to a symbol of weakness and purity. That just seems fucked up to me.

Don’t get me wrong: I think it’s cool that he’s friends with all of the ponies, but it still doesn’t seem right that he’s Twilight’s assistant. Maybe I’m just biased from my legends and myths, though; he certainly seemed happy enough, back then.

I shook myself. “Spike, we aren’t going to find any affordable food. Let’s go find a tailor.”

He looked at one young ram. “I don’t know, Nav. I see plenty of easy food out there.”

I looked at him in disgust. “If you talk about eating something that can talk one more time, I’m going to tell Twilight. It’s one thing to eat animals that aren’t sapient, but when you start eating things that think, there’s a problem.”

He looked up to me in shock. “How do you know what we were eating in Egypt wasn’t… that word you used?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t kill it and I would have starved if I didn’t eat it. I would never willingly kill and eat something that is smart enough to communicate with me. Ignorance, however, is bliss. Now let’s stop talking about this before one of these damn sheep calls the guards.” He sighed as I put him back on my back. “Now you know how I’ve felt all this time,” I said as a means of consolation. He didn’t answer.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find a tailor willing to accommodate me. I talked to most of the damn tailors in the city, too. The most frequent answer I heard was a gentle no. A few of them let their eyes flick to Spike before saying no. I tried leaving him outside once to see if the result was different, and it wasn’t.

So four hours later, we began making our way back to the castle.

“What was the point of that, Nav?” Spike asked as we trudged our way up the stairs of an inn, a sheep shaking in fear leading the way ahead of us.

“It got us away from Twilight and Celestia for a few hours,” I sadly answered.

“You never did say why you were avoiding her.”

I didn’t know which ‘her’ he meant. “I don’t want to talk to Celestia and Twilight was being a bitch.” I think Spike smiled at that, but he was behind me so I couldn’t tell.

The sheep turned to look at me. “Y-y-you know the p-p-p-princess?” he squeaked.

“Yeah, we both do,” I answered. “She’s my boss and she’s his boss’s boss. Pretty nice lady, for the most part.”

I thought the sheep was terrified before. Now he was barely able to stand.

Thankfully, we quickly reached the door leading to the roof. The sheep did everything he could but shove us out to get us outside, and he slammed the door behind us. I looked out over the city and sighed. “This world sucks, Spike,” I finally said.

He snorted. “Better than the one you left behind,” he answered. That was a lot more sagely than anything I would have expected from him.

I didn’t have an answer, so I just picked him up and jumped off the roof, letting my wings carry us back to the palace.

Thankfully, my window was still open. It was a lot easier to jump out of than it was to land in, but I managed it with a liberal dose of cursing and climbing. There was a note on my pillow. I set Spike down and checked it.

‘I’m letting you get away with this because of what you went through. If you ever do it again, I will not let you get two meters before bringing you back—and if you don’t have a good excuse, you better be kneeling. Meet me in the throne room when you are ready to stop sulking – C’

About what I expected, all things considered. I showed it to Spike. He read it quickly and shrugged. “Are you really surprised?” he asked.

“Nope. I’m just glad I’m too useful to her to be punished too severely.” I paused for a moment. “I wonder why she’s in the throne room. Isn’t she supposed to be fixing the weather or something?”

Spike shrugged. “Twilight told me that today is an off day. She was in one of her moods because Princess Celestia refuses to let her work on this day of the week. The sheep believe it has some special significance or something.”

Well, we are in Israel. Lamb of God and all that.

“You won’t hear me complaining,” I said. “Do you think I’m ready to stop sulking? I feel like sulking some more, but I don’t know if Celestia would really let me.”

He rolled his eyes and pointed at the door. I gave a small sigh and snapped my fingers in disappointment.

“Well, she didn’t say I couldn’t bring an arbitrator,” I said. “And I have no idea where the throne room is. You want to sit in on a meeting between Celestia and the foreign ambassador of the humans?”

“Not really,” he sighed. “But I also don’t feel like going back to Twilight.”

I pulled out one of my coins. “Heads for Twilight, tai—Wait.” I looked at the coin. One side had the sun and the other side had the moon. “For fuck’s sake! Sun for Celestia, moon for Twilight.” I flipped it and let it fly for a moment before snatching it out of the air. He watched it with his purple eyes. “Now, when it was in the air which side did you want it to land on?”

He blinked. “The sun,” he finally said. I opened my hand to see the moon facing up.

I smiled down at him. “That’s how you tell what you really want to do. And now that you know the trick, I can tell you that it only works until you know it. Lead the way,” I finished with a wave of my arm.

He took the lead, shaking his head in confusion. It didn’t take us long to get there, and we passed increasing numbers of guards and servants on the way. When we got to the entrance to the throne room, I expected to be patted down for weapons. I was kind of surprised when they let us right in. Then I remembered that this was Celestia. She was pretty much the sun goddess and an incredibly powerful mage. Sure, a knife can cut her down… but good luck using it on her.

Spike and I walked down the long carpet leading up to Celestia, sitting in her throne and attended by a mix of sheep and ponies. When we got to within the appropriate distance expected of a visitor of royalty, we stopped. Spike stood at my side, looking around. I stood at a general at-ease position, looking at Celestia’s servants.

One of them, a sheep in what looked like dyed wool clothing, glared at me. “Are you not going to bow, creature?” she asked harshly. “This is your princess!”

I looked at Celestia to see if she would speak up. She seemed content to watch with that little smile she always wears. I looked back at the sheep. “I make no obeisance to any living thing, sheep. Celestia—” All the sheep in the room flinched when I said her name. “—has earned my respect, but I do not bow.”

The sheep I was speaking to gave me a look of hate for that, and I’m pretty sure if she was a guy she would have challenged me to some manner of duel. She opened her mouth again, but Celestia cut her off, “I don’t suppose you would think to ask why he doesn’t bow, would you?”

The sheep changed what she was going to say and instead hissed out, “Why, creature?”

I smiled darkly. “Where I came from, we killed our kings and queens—and princes and princesses—when they decided they wanted more power than was appropriate. I’ve lived in a nation without a monarch all of my life. Royal blood sheds just as easily as commoner blood, so there’s no reason to respect it more. I respect Celestia for being wise and kind, but the title of princess means nothing to me.”

Most of the people in that room were quite shocked at that. I think the only ones that weren’t were me and Celestia. Even Spike was a little off-put—I don’t think he ever knew why I was so callous.

“Enough about me,” I said, waking everyone from their reverie of horror. “I believe I was called here for a reason.”

Celestia was still wearing her little smile. “I was going to do this in a more private area, but since you disappeared on me, I suppose we’ll have to do it here. Remove your shirt, Navarone,” she said.

The looks of horror moved to her now instead of me. I smirked and took it off. I knew she was trying to shame me, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of blushing. I looked at the guards. “Come now, soldiers: If she wanted to seduce me, she knows where I sleep. She just wishes to rid me of a nasty blight.”

They turned and saw the tattoo on me. Those that weren’t blushing before were now. This day was turning out to be very odd for them, it seemed. Celestia beckoned me closer and I came forward. She reached her horn out and gently pressed it on the area with the horrid thing. It slowly ripped out of my skin, the ink collecting around her horn. When it was all pulled out, she pushed the ink into a blob and pulled a bottle of ink over from a small writing table and let the ink flow into it. I backed away and put my shirt on.

“Painless, as I promised,” Celestia said.

“My method would have been faster,” I replied, stroking a hand over the handle of the dagger in my belt. “Still, a tattoo removal back where I came from would cost me quite a bit. Thank you.”

Her little smile deepened a bit. “No pony said this was to be free, Navarone,” she said. “You should know to ask for prices before receiving a service.”

I shrugged. “Whatever the price is, I’ve been through worse. Being brutally raped every night for a week at the hand of a very sadistic cat bitch gives a man perspective when it comes to high prices.”

She flinched slightly at the mention of that, and I knew I would hear words from Spike on that later. Celestia’s smile never wavered, though. “My price will not be that steep, I believe. Unless, of course, you consider dinner to be a terrifying ordeal.”

“Dinner would be nice,” I answered. “I know Spike, at least, has been hungry. Unless,” I said with a raised eyebrow and a smile of my own, “you meant this to be more of a private affair?”

“There will be others there, of course,” she said. Man, Celestia is really good at this—nothing I say trips her up! Though, she’s also had a few thousand years of experience. “If, however, you are interested in a more private meal, I’m sure something can be arranged…”

She almost tripped me up there. But… “I’m afraid I’ll have to decline, Celestia,” I said with a weary shake of my head. “I have someone waiting for me back home, and I fear she would be most displeased with me if she found I was cavorting with another—by choice, that is.” I think ‘displeased’ might be an understatement of what Luna would be if she found I was trying things with her sister.

Her smile dropped and her eyes narrowed. “Remember that the next time you stoop to flirting with the maids.”

I sniffed. “Sheep are uglier than ponies. I wasn’t flirting, I was asking for clothes. It’s hardly my fault if she had a flight of youthful naiveté and misconstrued it.” I think I insulted pretty much every female in the room with that statement. I was okay with that. Either way, I’m pretty sure Celestia knew what I did to the poor chick, even though I honestly don’t consider that flirting.

She was giving me the Princess Look. If I didn’t know better, I would think she was going to summon an executioner. “Don’t discuss your adventures with Twilight—or anypony else—until we have a talk in private, Navarone,” she finally said. “You are both dismissed.”

I nodded and turned to go. Spike followed me out of the throne room. “That went well,” I said as the doors shut behind us.

He looked up at me in fear. “Well?” he croaked. “You’re lucky she didn’t banish you!”

I wanted to ruffle his hair, but he didn’t have any. “I’m too useful to be banished,” I finally said. “I’ll manage it someday, but I think that for now she needs me.” The guards at the door didn’t look that happy about that statement, but I also didn’t care. We moved down the halls a ways and I asked, “Where to now?”

He sighed.

I said, “I know you don’t want to, but sooner or later you’re going to have to see her. You are still Twilight’s assistant, even if she is being annoying right now. After Celestia has her little talk with me, I’ll have a talk with Twilight and things might get better. Until then, though, you’re going to have to put up with her. If nothing else, I’ll be there as a buffer for you.”

“I don’t know, Nav…”

“Look, if I have to deal with Celestia breathing down my neck after the hell I went through for her, you can deal with Twilight being annoying after the ‘adventure’ you had.”

He turned and started down the hall. I followed. After a moment, he spoke up, “It’s not just that, Nav. She’s… Well, the only caretaker I’ve ever known, really. But she didn’t tell me so much about myself! I never even knew I could eat meat! I never knew the desert climate felt so good. I never knew being around warlike ponies would feel so natural. What else could she be hiding from me, Nav?”

“I don’t know, Spike. Hell, in my world, the dragons of legend are warlike and powerful, often raiding villages and the like for food and riches. They are usually considered evil, but there are some notable exceptions. And of course there are some noble dragons as well. We have all manner of stuff on them back where I come from. We also have plenty of legends on unicorns and pegasi, and I know most of it doesn’t fit, so take what I tell you of dragons with a grain of salt.”

He sighed again. “Maybe there are books back home that can tell me more.”

“Dude, maybe there are books here that can tell you more. You never know until you start searching.”

He looked up at me, hope in his eyes. “Can you help me look?”

“If I have time, yeah. I don’t know what Celestia is going to be having me doing. I’m sure Twilight would help you as well, if you told her why you were looking.”

He shook his head. “You think she’ll help me find information that she’s been hiding from me? If anything, she’ll go straight to the correct books, pretend to look through them, and then discard them while telling me they’re useless!”

“That’s assuming she’s actually hiding this from you and isn’t just ignorant. I mean, I can’t imagine too many ponies would be willing to try to interview a dragon. There might not be much information on you guys.”

“Maybe I’ll have to find out some other way… Still, it doesn’t hurt to look.”

We were silent for a moment. He hesitantly asked, “So what do your legends say about… girl dragons?”

“Mostly nothing,” I answered. “Or at least, nothing that I know of. A lot of stories have male dragons kidnapping princesses and the like, but the reason is usually because she’s considered beautiful and a treasure worth having, and the dragon covets her for that reason. A few legends have female dragons falling in love with male humans, but again the reasoning is rarely explained. In the few legends there are of them, females are often described as graceful and beautiful and very, very deadly. I don’t know anything else.”

The rest of the walk to Twilight’s room was in silence. When we got there, though… “Where have you two been?” Twilight demanded in an angry tone.

Spike and I looked at her. I turned to him. “Wait outside for a moment.” He left without a word. Twilight stared daggers at me. When the door clicked closed, I turned to her. “Are you in heat?”

Her eyes softened and she gave a bright red blush. “That’s personal!”

I nodded slowly. “That explains a lot.” It did, actually. I thought back over all the little episodes of insanity she went through often, and many of them coincided with what her estrus cycle probably was. I’ve noticed that estrus doesn’t seem to be synchronized for the ponies and is instead more like a human girl’s period, with a whole lot more horniness. “I think Spike will be staying with me for a few days while you deal with this. We just got back from some seriously trying times, and I don’t think it would be a good idea for him to be around a considerably more volatile you.”

She was still blushing heavily, but she whispered, “That might be… best.” At least she had an excuse for her bitchiness. I nodded and turned to go. “Nav, wait…” I turned back to her. It looked like she really wanted to say something, but after a moment she seemed to deflate. “Don’t tell anypony about this, please.”

“Don’t worry, Twilight. I know how to be discreet when I need to be. If anyone asks, just tell them Spike has been hanging around me for so long he wants to keep doing so.”

She gave a hesitant nod. “One more thing,” she said suddenly, as though just thinking of it. “Here’s your bag.” She used her magic to throw my bag of clothes from Equestria at me. I checked it. Most of the clothes I had brought were in there. They were all way, way too big on me now, but they were still better than wearing the same damn thing every day.

I nodded at her. “Thanks, Twilight.” She smiled. I turned and left the room. I found Spike looking around innocently. I knew he had been listening at the door. Still, I had to pretend. “You’re going to be staying with me for a few days,” I told him as I pulled the door shut behind me. “Just until we think you’re more acclimatized to things here.” We started walking back to my room.

He shrugged. “I’m okay with that. I’m more used to sleeping on a bed anyway, now.”

“If you’re going to be sleeping in that bed, it’ll be because I’m next to you. I’m not sleeping on the floor just so you can have the bed to yourself.”

“I know you’re used to sharing a bed anyway,” he said. My eyes shot down at him in surprise, which quickly turned to anger, which melted to ambivalence when I realized he didn’t mean anything by that. “I don’t know what happened to your other bed, but I know you ended up having to sleep next to Kat.” Well, that was sort of true; we didn’t do too much sleeping. He continued, “I just hope you don’t have too many more nightmares.” He shuddered slightly. “I heard you screaming, one night.”

I nodded. “I’m glad you’re innocent, Spike.”

He looked up at me as though remembering something. “Nav, what does… rape mean?”

I sighed. “Don’t worry about it. And don’t ask anyone else. Pretend you never even heard it.”

“Okay… So what was that on your shoulder?”

I unconsciously rubbed at the spot where the filthy thing was. “Just a bad memory, is all. Don’t worry about it either, and don’t tell anyone you saw it.”

“Nav, why are you hiding things from me?”

“You’ll feel bad if I tell you,” I cautioned.

“I’d rather feel bad than not know.”

“Because what was done to me was the worst crime possible for one living thing to commit against another, and you don’t need to know about that.” He stopped walking. I kept going.

After a moment he caught up. “And you’re just… okay with that?” he asked in a quiet voice.

“Nope. I’m pretty sure my mind is still in shock. After what I went through and the things I did, I’ll probably never have a comfortable night’s sleep again and there’s a decent chance I’ll have flashbacks forever.”

“Then why did you…” He stopped again, probably getting it. “This is all my fault!”

“Did I say that?” I asked, stopping and turning to him. He looked down, unable to meet my blank gaze. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Spike. It wasn’t your fault. It was the fault of those that used you. Never blame yourself for something you have no control over, and never blame someone else for something they have no control over.”

He still couldn’t look up.

“Now you know why I didn’t want to tell you,” I said. He didn’t move. I walked up to him, picked him up, put him over my shoulders, and continued the walk to my room.

Over the next few days, I got more clothes, Twilight’s estrus cycle slowly petered out, Spike stopped staying with me, and I didn’t see Celestia again.

I’m pretty sure Celestia sent messages out to all the tailors in the city to refuse me service, though I’m not certain why. My first guess was so that she could keep me dependent on her; after everything I went through, she wanted to make sure I knew I had nowhere else to go.

I threw that idea out, because Celestia isn’t a bitch and she has shown me mostly nothing but kindness. I know her mind is probably really cold and calculating, but for the most part, I believe she does what she does out of kindness.

My second idea was that she just didn’t want me to waste money. But since the only money I had was given to me by her… I threw that idea out, too.

The third idea was that she didn’t want me outside of the palace, in which case she pretty much fucked up big time, since Spike and I left often in those days.

I don’t really suppose it matters. Either way, I got more clothes and they were all free and relatively well-fitting, despite my shrunken frame. And since Celestia never came by to talk, I never got to ask her why. And that’s assuming she actually was the one that sent the message out, or if there was a message at all. It might all have been a figment of my paranoia.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the dinner went well. I was celebrated as some manner of Equestrian hero or something and the ‘true’ fight to save the area was officially begun. Namely, getting food and rain to the people that needed it. That wasn’t my problem or my field of expertise, but I knew I’d probably still end up busy because of it.

Don’t get me wrong: Celestia and Twilight hadn’t been idle in the month I was away. Twilight was doing all manner of research into crop productions and whatnot, who needed what and where and when and all that crap. Whenever she brought that up to me, I told her to either shut up or to change the topic. Celestia was apparently sending shitloads—well, Twilight told me the actual unit of measurement, but I didn’t think it was worth remembering—of magic into the atmosphere to summon enough water to send everywhere it was needed. I don’t know why they didn’t just use the ocean, but I don’t think this world has evaporation.

No, I don’t know how rain is created in places where there are no ponies. Look, even I realize that there are some things that just are never going to make sense to me. Laws of reality are more like suggestions around here. I mean, gravity? Fuck that, I’m a human with wings that can fly. No way that shit should work. Maybe one day I’ll just start saying ‘because magic.’

Anyway, they were doing all that while I was in Egypt. They finished their stuff around the time I was nearing the end of my labors. With the border secure, the way was clear to begin the true work.

A day after Spike left, I got a visit from Shining Armor. I was in my room trying to figure out a way to drown my memories without booze when he opened the door with no preamble and just stared at me.

“Can I help you?” I asked, tightly gripping the dagger I had been considering cu—well, that’s not important.

“Tell me about your… relationship… with my sister, human,” he demanded.

I gave him a dead look with my bloodshot eyes. “She’s a friend,” I said, giving him no emotion in my voice. That said, I dropped my gaze back down to the dagger, expecting him to leave.

“Is that all you see her as?” he asked, a bit of… concern, perhaps, in his voice.

I looked back up, surprised he was still there. “Yes. What did you think I saw her as? A… special somepony, I believe you people call it?” I snorted. “That would be a match made in hell.”

He shifted his stance a bit. “You live with her,” he commented.

“I have nowhere else to go and I like living in a library among books. She is a decent enough roommate, if occasionally demanding. I help as I can and stay out of the way when I can’t. We are friends and nothing more.” I looked back down to the knife.

“And if she wanted more?” he asked.

“I would find somewhere else to live,” I answered without looking back up.

“Look at me.” I looked up at him again. “Do you know why I am a captain of the royal guard?”

I shrugged. “You probably know how to kick ass the best. Or you’re smarter than the other rabble that is typically let into the guard. One or the other.”

“I can fight well, yes. But it was my magic that really got me the position.” Why do earth ponies even bother? Seriously, I’ve yet to see a single one other than the mayor of Ponyville in any manner of power. Even Applejack got showed up by Twilight in Applejack’s special talent—while Applejack can kick a tree and make apples rain down, Twilight can take an entire orchard of apples in one go in the same amount of time.

“Congratulations,” I drily answered. He growled lightly but before he could say anything, I continued, “I am not going to date your sister. I do not want to date your sister. I don’t know how I can make that any clearer.”

He sighed. “You really aren’t making this easy on me.” I blinked, and then it all became a clear to me. He was probably sent here by either Twilight or Celestia to try to befriend me.

“Who sent you?” I asked.

He gave a sheepish smile. “Twily—Er, Twilight. She thinks you’re in a bad mood or that you’re not telling her something or something like that. She sent me to find out what and why.”

“The what can’t be told. The why is that Celestia told me not to. Some things shouldn’t be heard by the ears of those that are still innocent—or any ears at all, really. And if she thinks I am in a bad mood, well, after what I went through, I think it might be a bit justified.” I stood, sheathed my dagger, and walked to the window. I put my hands on the sill, leaning and watching the city.

After a moment, he finally asked, “Well, what did you go through?”

“I’m not allowed to talk about it,” I answered without turning. “Nor do I particularly want to. There are a small number of people I would like to discuss it with. One of them is currently ignoring me. The others are… inaccessible.” I don’t think I ever missed my family as much as I did in that small period of time.

“As much as Twilight seems to like you, I think you can trust her,” he said.

“I can trust her, but this isn’t something to burden her with. Besides, as I said, I can’t tell her yet anyway.”

“You do know the princess holds court every day, right? You could talk to her any day.”

You’re not that smart, are you? “If she orders me to not talk about something, I do not think she would appreciate me talking about something in front of all of her guards and the courtiers that surround her. I believe it would be best to wait for her to come to me, so I know she is ready to discuss it.”

He was about to respond when my door slammed open. Before the sound finished reverberating across the room, one of my knives was already on its way to the person standing in the open door. It stopped an inch in front of Twilight’s nose, hanging in a pale blue aura. It dropped after a moment.

I turned back to the window. “Knock next time,” I said, leaning back to my original position.

“You… you almost killed her!” Shining Armor said, more than a little shocked.

“Reflex,” I answered, not looking at either of them. I did almost kill her, though. That was not a good thing.

“It’s… it’s alright, brother,” Twilight whispered.

“No, it’s not,” Shining Armor and I both said at the same time. I turned to them. “I am not used to being around ponies anymore,” I said. “Twilight, you are going to safe-guard my weapons until I am. I will not risk hurting any of you.” I pulled the knife off my belt and let it hit the floor. I pulled my shirt off and unbuckled the two belts of throwing knives I had on me and let them hit the floor as well. As an afterthought, I went over to one of the drawers in my room and pulled out another dagger and threw that on the little pile.

“Nav, this is… unnecessary. It was just one incident!” Twilight said.

“One incident that almost killed you, Twily!” Shining Armor answered.

“He’s right,” I said. “I should be safe here. I do not need these weapons, so I will not have them until I stop jumping at shadows.” And given what I was thinking about doing before Shining Armor walked in, I probably didn’t need them around for my own sake.

“In that case… Aren’t you forgetting one?”

I flinched slightly. With a sigh, I pulled the crossbow off the little sling I had on my bedpost for it and added it to the pile. “Just keep them all safe,” I said. “Those things took me through a lot, and I have a depressing feeling that I’ll need them again.”

“Don’t worry Nav. They’ll be fine.” There was a lull in the conversation as I walked back over to the window. “So what were you two talking about?”

“Oh, nothing,” Shining Armor answered. He was a terrible liar.

“We were discussing how you sent your brother to try to get me to talk about something I have been disallowed from discussing,” I said.

I heard a bit of nervous laughter from behind me, coming from two sources.

Twilight said, “It’s just… You seemed so upset the few times I’ve seen you since you got back. And since we haven’t been able to talk easily… I just want to know what’s wrong.”

I turned to face them again. “I understand,” I said. “And it is a noble cause. However, I ask that you stop. I am not supposed to discuss it. Celestia’s orders,” I finished with a shrug. If Celestia’s name didn’t get Twilight to stop, nothing would.

And it worked. Her face dropped a bit and turned slightly red. “I didn’t realize,” she stammered.

“Considering I almost just killed you, I think it’s fair that I tell you to stop worrying about it,” I said with another shrug.

She frowned slightly. “How did you react that quickly, though? Both of you, at that! The knife would have hit me before I even realized it, and you stopped it dead in its tracks!” That last was directed at her brother.

“As I said: reflex,” I answered. “It’s something I picked up in Egypt.”

“And I just saw you in danger and acted,” her brother said. I almost smiled at the imagery there. Death and life fighting over a soul, the moves to the dance they fight so deeply ingrained that they come naturally, quick as lightning.

Instead, I just said, “It’s amazing what people can do in times of stress. You’ll have to wait a while to test my reaction speeds, though; I think we might be busy for a while in the coming months.”

“We’ll have some off time, Nav! Princess Celestia isn’t so cruel as to make us work every day like that.”

“I don’t know what you do in your off days, Twilight, but I don’t do experiments on mine,” I said.

“He’s right, Twily. You need to lighten up. I thought you were getting better!”

She blushed lightly. “Always looking out for your little sister,” she said with a smile. I turned back to the window so they couldn’t see my facial expressions, or how close I came to crying when she said that. Seeing them together like that brought home some things I thought I had long ago dealt with. I’ll never see them again.

I wasn’t in the mood to deal with that shit right then. “I’ll be back when I’m back,” I said right before I jumped out the window. I run from my problems way too much. I flew up into the sky and found a nice sized cloud to lie on. There were more and more of them, what with all the magic Celestia was using to make them.

I sighed as I finally got to lie on my back again. It was a nice feeling. It’s a shame I had to ruin it by thinking.

It was a week after I got back that Celestia deigned to visit me again. I know I shouldn’t say it like that, because I know she’s a very busy lady, but still.

Anyway, I was chilling in the palace library, helping Spike go through all manner of books looking for anything about dragons. We were finding nothing. There was plenty of stuff about how dragons are mysterious and dangerous and whatnot, but nothing concrete.

Celestia walked in completely unannounced and stood watching us for some time. It took a while for us to notice her. I was back in the stacks, looking for anything related to dragons. It was a hellish search, given that there was practically no organizational system. Spike was up front, going through everything I had found for him.

I was walking back up front with a few more books for him. “I’m telling you man, this place is terrible.” I saw Celestia and kept walking to Spike, who was darting looks between me and her. “It has less organization than Twilight’s library before I got there. I got what I could, but I wouldn’t expect too much more, and I don’t think I’d expect much from what we have.”

“Does Twilight have you working on a special project?” Celestia asked with her little smile.

“Nope,” I answered.

She waited for more, but I wasn’t going to give her anything; if Twilight was hiding stuff from Spike, she was probably doing it because Celestia told her to. “I think we need to have a talk, Navarone,” Celestia finally said.

“What about?” I asked, wiping my dusty hands on my shorts.

“You’re too smart to play dumb,” she replied. “Come along. Let’s not bother Spike’s search.” She turned and I followed her out of the library. We walked in silence to my room.

When we got there, she stepped inside and looked around a bit. The room was pretty much immaculate, since I don’t tend to make messes or collect random crap. I walked over to the open window and leaned back against the windowsill, letting my wings taste the open air. If I had to, I could fall back and escape just long enough for her to magic me back.

Well, when I put it like that…

She was looking at me with her haunting eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me, Navarone? I could have helped you.”

“They screened my letters. Now please, I really don’t want to talk about this.”

Her gaze hardened. “I have never mentioned this before, but there is a spell that gives a unicorn complete access to another’s mind. You can either give me the answers to the questions I ask or I will force them from you.”

“If you use that spell on me, I. Will. Kill. You. I don’t care what repercussions it will have on this world. I don’t care if I don’t survive the act. You will cease to live if you ever do that to me. The same goes for anyone else that does it to me.”

“Then don’t make it necessary. What did she do to you?”

I went through the list. It was… painful to talk about. Painful to relive as I thought about it.

“How did you even survive?” she asked, horrified.

“They sometimes gave me painkillers. Sometimes they put something on my cuts. I still think I should be dead. And I also think my mind should be broken after what happened. Killing, rape, violence, all that fun stuff.” I shrugged. “Such is life.”

She shook her head. “No, Nav. That’s not life. That’s just terrible.” She sighed. “Don’t tell any of my little ponies what Kat did to you. You are free to tell them anything else you think they’re capable of hearing. If you ever need to talk, come to me and I will make time for you.”

I nodded slowly. “I might do that.” I was never planning on doing that. I know she was nice and all, but I still felt intimidated by the fact that she could crush my head like a grape without noticing.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me, Nav,” she said. Great, and now she can read minds.

“I know,” is all I said.

She gave me a sad smile. “Then why are you?”

“Because you are dangerous and I know what you’re capable of.”

“But you also know I would never do any of it to you.”

“Unless you thought it was funny, I bet. Or if you thought it was necessary, like what you threatened to do to me a few minutes ago. You are unpredictable and I know what you are capable of, so I think it might be in my best interest to keep a healthy amount of fear.”

Her little smile returned. “But not enough fear to disrespect me in front of my servants and guards?”

“Consider that my way of testing the waters. Either way, I want to trust you, but you are making it somewhat hard. Your magic and your power both make it very hard for me to trust you, and your actions and words don’t help either.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I knew you feared magic, but is your fear of it so deep that it won’t allow you to trust somepony that has never made a move to harm you?”

“Yes. You have a power over me that I can’t do anything about. Even knowing that you might use it is bad enough for me. I don’t think you will unless I do something to deserve it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can.”

“Maybe one day you’ll learn,” she said, her voice rather morose. There was nothing I could say to that, not really. She left, going back to wherever she goes. After a little while of sitting and thinking, I went and rejoined Spike.

We didn’t find anything.

Of course, we weren’t quite able to go home yet; there was still the matter of food distribution and dealing with the drought. But that was boring as piss. Like, that was the most boring thing I have ever done in my life.

Basically, I went out with Twilight and a team of observers every few days to see the effects the rain Celestia was producing was having, if any.

We did that for six months. Not once was I actually needed to protect them. Sometimes I defused odd situations, but nothing worth writing down.

So six months later, we went back home. All in all, about eight months had passed since we left. We left for home in September, so I had been in Pony World for about two years. It took us a month after leaving to get back, due to a lot of stops for royal visits.

We definitely missed the Gala, which was instead hosted by Princess Luna. I heard she did reasonably well for herself. All of Twilight’s friends were invited and did attend, though they all reported when we got back that it was boring as hell.

Twilight, Spike, and I stopped a few days in Canterlot. I couldn’t avoid meeting Luna; after almost a year of being alone in the palace, she forged some contacts with the servants. Not a day after we returned, I had an invitation to meet with Princess Luna at my earliest convenience.

A royal invitation. That said ‘at my earliest convenience.’

I didn’t even change, just went in my desert clothes that I had gotten used to wearing; they were comfortable even in the chill of October, and they concealed my body well enough. Since I think over a year had passed since she was imprisoned, she was allowed to see me again.

With the invitation in hand, I had no trouble getting into the palace. Getting to Luna was just as easy, since she had a few servants looking out for me. Her guards refused to leave us alone, thankfully. Which was a good thing; I had no desire to be alone with her anymore.

When we first got together in a lounge-type room, it went well enough. She was polite but distant, as a princess should be. It was basically a debrief on some of my time in Africa and after. I won’t explain what I said, because it’s all detailed before. I didn’t lie, though I didn’t mention some things.

She was even nice enough to send for some minor refreshments. Servants brought in drinks and fruit and set them on the table. She was drinking some manner of juice or something and I had… a purple bubbling drink. What the fuck?

“Luna, what is this?” I asked, holding it up.

She looked at it. “Oh, that’s a special concoction I asked the staff to prepare for you. It’s an old brew that was popular with ponies back in my day. I never was a fan of it, but most of them were.”

“Why is it bubbling?”

She shrugged. “Something to do with the process of making it, I suppose. There’s magic involved.”

I looked closer at it. “Wait, are those… hearts?” A purple drink that had bubbling hearts. What the hell?

She nodded. “They are. Another odd property of the drink. It’s quite safe to drink.”

I looked at it for a bit longer, wondering what the fuck Luna had been smoking and where I could find some.

“Don’t you trust me?” she finally asked, batting her pretty cyan eyes at me.

I looked up at her for a moment and then back down to the drink. I’ve done stranger. With a shrug, I downed it…

...And immediately started coughing. I couldn’t help it; whatever was in that damn drink felt like it was trying to beat the shit out of my body from the inside. I ended up on my hands and knees on the floor, Luna looking on with concern.

When I couldn’t cough any more, the purple stuff shot out of my mouth and flowed back into the glass. Like, I was on the floor and the glass was on the table but it went from my mouth to the glass. I don’t know how.

When the last of it was out and the wretches subsided, I managed a sort of kneeling position. “At least we have similar tastes,” I croaked. She was looking at the glass of purple stuff in astonishment. I shifted my gaze that way and saw that the stuff was now inky black. The bubbles were spitting up oily skulls. Badass.

“That… wasn’t supposed to happen,” Luna whispered.

I pulled myself to my feet and sat down again. “What was supposed to happen?” I asked, my voice feeling a little bit better.

She blinked and turned to me, blushing. “It was supposed to taste good,” she answered. “I… I have never seen it do that before!”

I poked the glass. “So what is this stuff? Whatever it was before looked like a love potion or something. Now it looks like a hate potion.” Or poison.

Her horn glowed for a moment and a drop of the liquid jerked into the air. She looked it over. After a moment it slowly turned purple. It dropped back into the glass with a quiet sizzle as the entire glass turned purple again. She nodded with a smile. “It was aligned with hate,” she said. “But love conquers all.” She beamed at me and I put on a poker face smile in return. No wonder my body rejected it.

With the little snack done, she took me on a walk through the garden, which wasn’t that odd by itself. But she asked that I keep a hand on her at all times. I wasn’t wearing the head piece or the cape to my suit at the time, but I did have the gloves of it on. When she saw that, she asked me to take them off. I did, with a frown on my face.

The guards, too, were getting a bit concerned, but didn’t do anything. When I did as she asked, she smiled, and we continued our walk and our talk. She wanted more details about Africa, of course. More than, “I fought for a cause that I didn’t belong to. I killed, I murdered, and I saved. I did things I didn’t want to for people I didn’t like against a people I didn’t know. It was not the best time in my life, and it’s not particularly something I want to do again.”

She wanted gritty details. Numbers, tactics used, personal deeds and heroics, and all kinds of that shit. It sounded almost like she wanted to hear some of my stories so she could compare them against hers.

I didn’t have anything that I wanted to tell anyone. I personally watched a slave child get cut down by a guard as the child was running. I could have gotten in the way of the blow to save the child, but I was worth more alive than that child was, to both me and the movement. I could turn myself into a martyr, but I’d rather live long enough to be hated than to be remembered as a hero after an early death.

I didn’t tell her that story, though—more fool me, I suppose. I stuck to heroics done by other people, of which there were a few stories to tell. Miguel, as it happened, came upon a group of guards attacking some of our camp followers that strayed too far from the main group. Without pausing a second, he jumped into the mass of guards to buy our people time to escape. I think he was doing it because he was a murderous psychopath that took any excuse he could get to kill rather than to save lives, but the effect was the same. Either way, he was venerated as a hero for that.

And Rock… God, Rock was an absolute monster in that last attack, I heard. When the assassins failed to keep one of the gates open, he personally led a sortie against it, wielding a massive hammer. He dealt blow after blow to the iron-reinforced gates, and eventually somehow forced a hole into the gates large enough for his men to pass through to open it from the other side. After that, he systematically slaughtered over thirty-five enemy troops himself, and led a squad that killed over one hundred. He was wounded doing that, but didn’t let it slow him down until the fight in the city was over.

But all my attempts to pass any heroism off my back were met by gentle rebukes, calling me humble. I was tempted to tell her about the naga attack, but she probably would have found a good way to spin that, too. That actually tempted me to tell her even more, as I still couldn’t figure out a good way to spin that in my mind.

We were starting our second circuit around the garden. The guards were still watching us with a small amount of concern. I felt their horror. I had a bad feeling.

“Tell me,” she finally asked, “what is the most beautiful thing you’ve seen?”

Trap question. “The most beautiful location, you mean?”

A smile, followed by “Yes.”

“There was a cave I found when I was dealing with a group of naga… it was underground, a massive chamber, half full of water. It was the purest water you could ever find anywhere. In it, fish were chasing one another, some bioluminescent and some blind. On the ceiling were rows and rows of lit torches, each in patterns corresponding to the night sky. At the very bottom of the lake was the naga society. Hundreds of them, living silently underwater, without a care in the world.”

She smiled at that description, and said to me, “Close your eyes and don’t let go.” Uh oh.

What happened next, I can barely describe. I just… went weightless all of a sudden. Every movement felt exaggerated, like it was about to throw me off the ground. I knew where we were before she even said, “Open your eyes.”

She brought me to the motherfucking goddamn son of a bitch moon!

I croaked out, “How?”

“Magic. As long as you’re touching me you’ll be fine.” I was tempted to test that, but I didn’t. I felt… fine. No extra heat, no extra cold, I was able to breathe. The weightless problem was slowly sorting itself out, as Luna’s magic coursed itself through me.

And then I caught sight of the Earth.

I can’t describe it. I won’t even try.

After a few minutes of silent staring, I managed, “It’s… Why did you bring me here?”

“I thought it would be nice to show you for what you fought.” There wasn’t much to say to that, so I just hugged her.

And that’s all we did. She was a pony, I was a human. So get your mind out of the gutter.

“You know, Celestia is not going to be happy about this. And I’m pretty sure it violates the ‘no leaving Canterlot’ thing,” I finally told her.

“It was worth it,” was her response.

I want to say that nothing bad came from that, but Celestia was more than not happy. She was pretty much about as mad as I’ve ever seen her. At me and at Luna, though Luna didn’t get any of the wrath.

No, for some reason that was reserved for me. Because I should have taken the invitation directly to Celestia as soon as I got it, so she could be there when we met.

So instead of getting mad at the guards for not informing her, the servants for actually delivering the note, or Luna for actually being the one to take me away, I got yelled at for ten minutes. And here’s the kicker: She did it in that same fucking sitting room.

I didn’t even bother trying to defend myself. She didn’t want to hear it.

I was starting to think that Celestia needed a break.

Of course, when Twilight’s friends heard we were back on the continent, they were pretty much ecstatic. I imagined Pinkie Pie had a party planned out perfectly for when we got back. I was somewhat surprised they even waited for us to get to Ponyville; I was kind of expecting Rainbow Dash, if no one else, to come flying out to see us. Her, because she was the fastest one and could make it easily enough.

None did, though. I was okay with that; after that long away from home, we really wanted some time to sleep on a bed that, if not perfectly familiar, was at least not moving and not completely stifling.

We stayed in Canterlot for about three days, and finally returned to Ponyville in October.

Yeah, there was a party. It was—for one of Pinkie Pie’s parties—completely badass, though I was very, very disappointed in Applejack for letting it get that way.

Oh yeah. We got all of Ponyville completely and totally motherfucking trashed. It was hilarious. The mayor had to declare the following day a holiday because everyone was so hung over.

That alone almost made the Africa campaign worth it.

The next day was hell, so I’ll skip it. Still, shit was so cash.

The day after that, Twilight had to spend hours fixing magical mistakes some of the unicorns did when they got trashed. Nothing major, but one of the buildings turned into a Flintstone-esque place. We never did figure that one out; she just shook her head and fixed it.

It was good to be back, all things told.

Chapter Eighteen—More snake people.

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nf3tJuCnwD37tqHJZ7RKJ_I8nU52QqatdmPzt3FXAMg/edit

Not long after we got back, we three travelers got kidnapped by Twilight’s main group of friends and forced to tell stories of our trip. Spike and I got the most attention, because Twilight didn’t have jack all to tell. As soon as she mentioned water growth tables, they all zoned her out and turned to us instead.

They seemed to enjoy our stories a lot more, but I made sure to water down the vast majority of what I said. After all, there was no reason to ruin any of the more innocent ponies. Luna was one thing, but I didn’t want to hurt any of these girls. Even then, though, one thing that I noticed quickly is that almost a year away changes people in little ways...

Around an hour after we started, Pinkie Pie pulled me and Fluttershy aside from the main group, using the excuse that we had dance business to talk of. The rest of the group was content to talk with Spike and Twilight at that point, so they let us go without much comment.

When she got us alone, she told us the news: “Remember that naga my dad adopted?” When we nodded, she continued, “Well, now he likes one of the native naga! That should be good news, but… the other naga don’t like it. The two of them hid at my dad’s. The other naga are gonna hurt them both if they leave… We didn’t know what to do, so my parents were hoping you could help! They’ve been stuck there for over a month.”

“I told him we should have just wasted that bastard…” I sighed, combing my fingers through my hair. “What do they want me to do?”

“I dunno. Just show up and do whatever you do! We know the naga like you, so maybe they’ll listen to you.”

“I just got home. How do you plan to explain this trip to the others? Don’t you think it’s time we told them?”

“I agree,” Fluttershy said. “We shouldn’t have ever kept this a secret from them at all.”

“You two know our friends... Rainbow Dash would immediately go to help them and just make a big mess. Rarity would think of all the drama and would rush off to watch. Applejack would be right behind Rainbow Dash, though probably for better reasons. Twilight might contact Celestia or she might actually try to talk it out. Either way, our friends… I just don’t think it would be a good idea to tell them.” Pinkie Pie was definitely, definitely more sane. “And besides, the naga don’t even respect ponies! Adding more ponies would only make it worse. I was actually thinking you could go alone, Nav.”

“You’d better have a decent reason for thinking no one would notice if I left.”

“Say it’s somepony from Egypt that wants to thank you for saving her!”

“Yes, but that isn’t very believable. I don’t actually want thanks for what I did.”

“Come on, Nav! What else do you want them to do? Just hide inside for the rest of forever?”

“Not that I don’t want to help, but… The last time I dealt with those naga, I ended up in Africa because of it. Celestia basically blackmailed me to force me to go.”

“I’m sure that’s not what Princess Celestia was doing, Navarone. Surely you’re mistaken,” Fluttershy assured me.

“I was there. You weren’t. I’ll do it, but I won’t promise any results, one way or another. Do you want this to end with the lovers winning or with the lovers losing?”

“Why would you even have to ask that?” Fluttershy asked, seeming shocked for some reason.

“Just making sure. Africa was… a trying time.”

Perhaps some of the pain I still carried showed through my face, because they both took me in their front legs in one of the warmest hugs I received in eight months. There’s a lot to be said for true friendship. Luna was nice to be around, and Kat was… no, but I felt better in that one moment than I had in a long time.

I waited for Pinkie Pie to send a letter off to her family, to ask them to send a letter to me detailing what they wanted me to do. When that letter arrived, I was able to pretend it was a request to meet me.

When it arrived—dropped off by Derpy Hooves—I left the next day. Convincing the others wasn’t that hard. Spike wanted to go, since he “helped me save the ponies, too!” I told him the letter asked for me, and that he was needed here with Twilight. Personally, I think he just wanted to go to try to find some more meat; Twilight had the poor guy back on a vegetarian/gem diet, and he wasn’t able to convince Fluttershy to give up any of her friends.

Rarity offered to give me the clothes of a conqueror, to fit my new… status. I declined.

I carried with me the dagger the naga gave me, my crossbow, some bolts, the fire starter, a new brown cloak, and some clothes. My other cloak had been used as bandages or a blanket or something by the cats. Either way, it was gone when I got my stuff back.

When I got to the rock farm, I realized the situation was about as bad as I was expecting: There were naga sentries posted about the building. The ponies were probably allowed in and out, but I was suspecting the two wayward naga would be killed if they laid a finger outside.

“You’ve returned!” said one of the sentries. “Are you here to finally join the naga?”

“Nah, sadly. I’m here on business.”

“You’re here to take care of this mess, then? I’m glad someone is doing it, and I’m doubly glad to see that someone is you. We were given orders not to enter this building, but surely you can go in there and kill that bastard and drag the harlot out here.”

“I wish I could, but I’ve been hired to mediate the situation and deal with it peacefully.”

“Bah! These ponies… Whenever there should be action, they demand words. How they ever took over this world is beyond me.”

“They have magic, that’s how. And a leader that doesn’t die.”

“Bah. Go in if you want, human. But don’t expect this to end peacefully.”

I went in.

My reception inside was just as warm. Pinkie Pie’s parents were happy to see me and because I was tired of thinking of them as ‘the mother’ or ‘the dad,’ I finally bothered asking their names. They were somewhat surprised I didn’t already know, but then the father muttered, “Pinkamena…” With that caveat out of the way, I was given their names: Sue and Clyde. Guess which was which.

“I’ve been told we have a Romeo and Juliet situation here,” I announced.

“You mean Poneo and Pirouette?” Sue asked.

“...Never mind. Where are our two errant lovers?”

“Before we let you see them, we have to know: Are you here with violent intents or with peace in your mind?” Clyde asked.

To answer that I took off my knife belt and hung it over Clyde and hung my crossbow over Sue. “I will hunt peace. If there is not a peaceful solution, I will leave.”

“You’ve changed,” Sue told me, smiling sadly.

“Africa taught me a lot of things. Not all of them were fun lessons.” With that, they took me to the two.

The two naga looked up from where they seemed to be… coiled. “I shouldn’t be surprised to see you, human, but even after all that has happened I am,” the male naga said. “Why would you come after doing so much to see me dead?”

“Everyone can change. Tell me, why should I help you?”

The female naga answered, “We are in love.”

“You are young, yet. How do you know this is love, and not just hormones? Or more likely, the instinct of rebellion enacted through giving in to lust with an enemy of your tribe?” Clyde and Sue gave me a pained look. The two lovers looked insulted. “I was young once.” Still am, but they don’t need to know that. “I yearned to rebel. Everyone does. Sometimes they have a good reason and sometimes they don’t. If what you two feel is true love and not just inflamed lust brought on by sticking it to the elders, I will try to help you.”

Sometimes, being the only one of your kind is useful. They can’t tell me I’m too young to speak wisdom if they have no clue how old I am. And it’s easier to make people see sense if you hide it as wisdom.

“And how could we even know such a thing? I feel what I think to be love. What other judge is there?”

“Yes, how else are we supposed to know, if not by listening to our feelings? We love each other. What more is there to it?”

I said, “I might not be the best person to ask, but Sue or Clyde can correct me if I’m wrong: Can you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life together? When you aren’t apart from each other, can you think of ways to fill the time other than sex or children?”

Clyde chimed in with, “Can you imagine letting her have your children?”

Sue sniffed, but added, “Can you imagine yourself getting so frustrated with each other that you just want to walk away and never come back, but instead stay and work through your problems?

I hit them with the last blow: “If what you’re feeling now ever wears off, can you imagine yourselves staying with each other?” I paused for a second and dredged through my memory, then quoted, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Say what you want about the Bible, but it has some good lines.

They slowly looked away, thinking.

I told them, “Go to different parts of the house. Stay apart for the rest of the day. Think about it.”

They looked at each other, then at Clyde and Sue. After nods from the two ponies, they slithered away to different parts of the house.

“What’s your game, Navarone?” Clyde asked.

“If I’m going to risk ruining my reputation with the naga for helping these two, I want it to be for a good reason.”

“What do we do while we wait?”

“You two stay up here and answer questions. Keep your daughters away from them, if you think they’ll try to encourage this. We can’t afford to let any nonsense get back into their heads while they’re thinking. I’m going to go find the leader of the naga if I can, and ask him some questions.”

“Don’t antagonize him overmuch, Navarone.”

“I don’t plan on it.” I grabbed my weapons just in case, though.

When I stepped outside the house, I asked the sentry, “Is it okay if I use the well entry?”

“Jerk the cord four times, then descend.” I assumed there was a code behind the number of jerks.

I did as he said. Instead of trying to climb down the rope, I just tucked my wings in as close as I could get them and jumped down the damn hole. When I got out of the little tunnel, I shot my wings out to slow my descent, and made my way to the far off shore. Once there, I asked someone if they could get a leader or something up there to talk with me.

I didn’t have to wait long. I suppose it wasn’t often that something jerked the cord four times and then falls into the damn hole. I was guessing that as soon as I started descending, a leader was informed and told to expect some manner of summons.

Either way, not a quarter of an hour later, the war leader from before and a smaller, hunched naga came out of the water. The war leader boomed a pleased greeting when he saw me. “Human! It has been almost a year since we last met! Tell me, friend, how are you?”

“I am well, though I fear I come for a request rather than for meeting.”

“Yes,” the older naga said. “We feared as much, when we were summoned. Tell me, human, what makes you think you can request anything from us?”

“That is no way to treat a guest!” the warlord accused him.

“He is only a guest as long as he is welcome. I am not so accepting of strangers as you.”

“If you truly must talk of such things,” I said, “I seem to recall I did you the favor of lighting your ceiling on fire a while ago.” The enemy camp was a job. That was a favor.

The warlord smiled. The old guy just snorted.

“Anyway, I want to know why you guys are so pissed at the naga and the maid he stole.”

The warlord answered, “Because it was as you say: He stole her. If he had asked for her, it would have been different. We would have met with him, determined if he was worthy of her, and then passed judgment one way or another.”

“But he is—or rather, was—part of an enemy clan. Would you not deny him out of rote for his position?”

“The girl was of a low class, and would have given no advantages to have married off. He would have had as good a chance of getting her as most males here would.”

“Is it too late for him to ask?”

“Yes,” hissed the hunched elder.

“No,” responded the young warrior.

“He disrespected our customs. He deserves his fate,” the older slowly said.

“He might be ignorant of our customs,” the warlord rebutted. “If what they feel is truly love, why should we deny them a chance to be together?”

“So you see our debate, human,” the hunched one said. “We have been arguing this off and on since this matter started. I say the male should be killed and the female should be striped bloody for running away with him.”

“But nothing can be done while they seek asylum in the property of a foreign state,” the warrior assured me. “Despite the wishes of some certain naga.”

“I don’t know why our ancestors allowed those ponies to settle there! We should have chased them away while we still had the chance. Now, we are forced to let criminals sit at peace right above our very heads!”

“What would change your mind and allow those two to go free?” I asked.

“If they dropped the love affair entirely, and the girl left him to come home, it would just go away.” the warrior said. “She would be stigmatized for a while, but it would go away in time. He might never be allowed to marry any of ours, but then he might well be allowed to.”

I snapped my fingers, thinking of something different. “And if they could choose exile unto some faraway isle?”

After a small internal debate, the hunched one said, “If they accept exile into pony lands—well away from here!—I will allow them to leave.”

I smiled. “Good. If there is nothing else, I should leave to take this news back.”

Before I could take off, though, the warrior stopped me. “Hold, human. I have heard tell from the ponies that you have been away for a while, in a place far across the sea. What manner of job was this that took you so far?”

“Bah!” the hunched one muttered before taking off into the water.

“We are better for seeing his tail,” the fighter sighed. “That old one is the most stubborn… But he is an elder, so his word must be respected.”

“To answer your question,” I said, “I have been in a land called Egypt, and then later in a place called the Middle East. In Egypt, I helped lead a revolution to bring in a power that is against slavery and is pro-Equestria.”

“So those ponies finally gave you a fun job!”

“Yes. And wouldn’t you know it, it was my time among your people that convinced them to do it.”

“Then I am glad you found us, human. I myself have been too long from a good fight. Our leaders prefer peace, and I can understand why, but my body aches for some manner of scrap. I trust you learned some skill in true fighting during your troubles?”

“Nah, I didn’t. Most of my fighting was close-in knife work, slitting throats to allow the real fighters easier access. And even then, a lot of my work was behind the scenes, either planning or linking up groups of fighters.” All technically true.

“Bah! Surely you have some manner of story to tell?”

“I helped rout an army of over fifteen hundred enemy troops with three people.”

“Now there is a tale for the legends! Tell me the names of your companions!”

“A cat woman named Jocasta and a pony named Celestia. Maybe you’ve heard of her.”

“You led the leader of all the ponies into battle? You truly are a monster, Navarone!” he said, laughing. “Either a monster or a master liar!”

“It wasn’t so much a battle as it was truly a rout. As soon as they saw Celestia, they fled. But I’d like to think I was scary enough to have a part in that, and if you had known Jocasta you would have understood more their desire to escape.”

“You keep some of the strangest company, Navarone. Do you have any real stories for me?”

I told him some. He loved hearing of our fight on the last day, the taking of the Suez Canal. I told him of our kill count the size of around five hundred, of Rock and his charge against the gatehouse, of Miguel and his gleeful slaughter, and of our tactics used in the battle itself. He wasn’t that impressed with our murderers, but understood their use.

He smiled, thinking of Rock: “I would love to meet this fellow. You say he is a cat?” I nodded. “I have never seen one of their kind before. I didn’t even know they existed. Tell me, how are their women?”

I told him some about Kat, but not the fact that it was all forced. “You sly dog,” he said. I wish…

When I had told him all I could think of, I bid him farewell and flew back up to the rope. I couldn’t have climbed it before since my arms were so leaden with the effort of holding onto the wall, but I figured I could probably make it up this time.

I was right.

It was getting close to night when I got back up. I figured the two naga I left up here would probably be thinking still, or have made up their minds to love each other no matter what.

Still, I did have two options for them now: Exile or give up this farce. Even if they did want to love each other, they could love each other just as easily somewhere else.

When I got in, I told Sue and Clyde the news. “Tell them if you want. If they find out death is off the table, they will not see as much romanticism in their affair. Now that they would no longer be martyrs of love, they might find they no longer feel interested in each other; after all, when ‘the rest of your life’ is measured in days, asking someone if they think they could stand being with someone that long doesn’t mean as much.” They agreed.

I haven’t mentioned them before, because they were annoying, relatively uneducated farm girls that still imagined they might one day be taken away by a prince, but there were two other female ponies here, sisters of Pinkie. I didn’t ask their names and I didn’t listen when they told me. If I had to guess, I’d say Inkie and Blinkie, just because I hate myself and this world agrees.

Anyway, they were very, very annoyed at my meddling in their live-action love story. I personally thought the entire matter was silly and should never have happened, but whatever.

And apparently the female naga was starting to think so as well. I heard some crying coming from the room Sue went to. I just shrugged at the two sisters and went upstairs.

I wasn’t in my room for an hour when the male naga came in. “Human—no, Navarone—your words… I regret to say it, but I think you’re right. I don’t think I actually do truly love her. The farmer has been telling me some things he and his wife have done together, and I just can’t imagine doing any of that with her. But after all this trouble, I don’t know how to tell her… After what she’s given up, and what she risks…”

“I can’t help you there, my friend. I have a similar problem. Except I have no choice in the matter. I suggest just telling her, but you should ask Sue and Clyde as well.”

“I can’t believe I caused so much trouble… Life is never easy.”

“And it just gets harder as you get older.”

“I doubt it can do much more to me. I will think on what you said, and I will tell her in the morning.”

He left and I did my best to sleep, fully expecting to be woken up in an hour by the female naga telling me she didn’t love the fellow and that I was right.

Yeah, that didn’t happen. Life isn’t a story, after all.

But when he did tell her, she wasn’t that sad. She felt the same way, but just didn’t feel the need to tell me.

I went to tell the sentry the news. He asked me to watch his post while he went to get the leader. “Bring the warlord, not the hunchback,” I advised him.

“Of course. We don’t want bloodshed any more than you do, not if it isn’t necessary.”

I thought that kind of ironic, considering he was going to get the warlord instead of the civilian.

I stood guard in the autumn chill while waiting for their leader to appear.

When he finally dragged himself out of the well, I greeted him. “I hear you found a peaceful solution, human. I am not completely disappointed by that. Can I talk to the two?”

“You can’t go in with weapons. I’m sorry, but I will take no chances.”

“An understandable and wise caution.” He handed his weapons to the naga sentry that followed him up. “Better?” I led the way in. The naga could barely fit into the door, he was so large.

“So you’re the naga that ordered the death of my clan,” the young one accused.

“Boy, I thought I taught you about how to treat guests in my house!” Clyde yelled.

The younger one at least had the grace to look abashed, but he didn’t apologize. The warrior said, “That’s okay, farmer. It’s true enough, anyway, and I feel no guilt over it. They were enemies, and they fought and lost. That is the end of it, as far as I’m concerned. We aren’t here to discuss that, I’ve been told. I’m here to bring a young female naga back, if she truly wants to come.”

She looked down and said, “I do.”

“Then let us depart, and not intrude on these ponies overlong.”

She paused, and said her goodbyes. She stopped in front of the young naga, and settled for shaking hands.

Crisis averted. The two sisters sighed, and did their best to make the rest of my stay completely uncomfortable. Thankfully, the rest of my stay was just the rest of that day and long enough to pack the following day.

That place was seriously depressing. Not once while I was there did I ever see the sun, and I think it was brighter in the naga cave than it was at their farm.

My parting words with the farmers were worth noting, I suppose: “I’m glad we were able to end that peacefully,” I said.

“Yes,” Sue sighed, “but it’s a shame the two didn’t truly love each other. It would have made for such a nice story…”

“Sometimes the best stories are those that we read, not those that happen to us. If they would have been miserable together after a few years, it is better they drifted apart,” Clyde told her.

“I’m somewhat hoping this is the last time I’ll have to deal with the naga,” I said. “I like them, but this is a long way to have to come just to settle a small problem.”

“I don’t know if I would consider this small, Navarone. After your trip in the Middle East, I might can understand why you would think it so, but most ponies don’t do as much in their lifetime as you’ve done in the past few years.”

“I’d be happy to trade. I was close to starving or dying of dehydration in Africa, and that’s not even counting all the cat people throwing weapons at me.”

“Some ponies beg for adventures, Nav. Back in my day, I used to hope for something, anything, to happen to get me away from these rocks,” Clyde said.

“Everyone wants an adventure. No one wants the hunger or the desperation that comes with it. Or the killing, or the fear, or the memories of things you were forced to do to survive.”

“There are a lot of ponies that would call you a hero,” Sue said.

“I could be considered a hero, if you overlooked the bad things I did, or the several things I did that were highly unheroic.”

“But you saved ponies. Is that not what a hero does?”

“A hero saves people. He doesn’t murder people to do it. He might kill them, yes, but he doesn’t slit their throats while their backs are turned, or break locks while someone else is distracting the guards, or plan food heists that will leave hundreds of innocents starving.”

“You are so hard on yourself. You did what you had to do. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“I know,” I answered with a weary shrug. “But I wish it hadn’t been necessary. I hope I will never be called upon to do anything like it again. I’m honestly starting to think this world is being destabilized by my presence, and that just by being here I’m spawning conflict.”

“That’s silly. These problems always existed. But most of them didn’t directly involve ponies. Eventually if you hadn’t acted we would have been freed from the naga one way or another. And if you hadn’t acted on the problems in the Middle East they would have been cleared up by Princess Celestia. Just because you are available to help solve problems does not mean they wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t there,” Clyde assured me.

“He’s right. I mean, you weren’t here when that Nightmare Moon lady was sent to the moon a thousand years ago, were you? You had nothing at all to do with that, and that was probably the biggest period of conflict in the entire history of Equestria,” Sue added. That they know of.

Basically true. At least my methods hadn’t ended up with any dead ponies, though not for lack of trying.

Not long after that, I left for Ponyville. It was a nice ride back. I got some odd looks from passengers that had never seen me before, but whatever; after so long, I was immune to such matters.

My homecoming was precisely what I expected: A debriefing from Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, who were relieved it was resolved peacefully but disappointed there wasn’t a new epic love story to add to the annals of history. All I got from Twilight was a ‘How was it?’ that was easily answered with ‘Eh, I don’t think I’ll answer any more letters like that.’

Chapter Nineteen—Affairs of the Heart

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aufdnpj5Y_pi1QP216cHAA-q9VUxHXcUkbrHJypThVk/edit

Not too long after getting back from dealing with the naga, I noticed a few changes in Spike. Namely, that his attitude had shifted. Our time away from the peaceful and loving land of the ponies changed him. Probably for the worse, if I had to guess.

I decided to have a chat with Twilight about that, since I really didn’t want Spike’s possible future with the ponies ruined by him turning aggressive. If there was anything I could do to change him back, I wanted to know about it.

I found her watering a small garden on a balcony on the second story of the tree. As I approached, I said, “Twilight, have you noticed any difference in Spike’s behavior?”

She sighed. “Yes, I have. His time in the east has not done well for him. He spent more time there among violent beings than at any other point in his life, and you were only able to see him once a day to provide some manner of counterbalance.” Some manner, indeed. I was one of the few people in that camp not itching to kill enemy soldiers. Even most of their children wanted to help in the slaughter.

“And I can’t imagine his forced diet change helped much either.”

“Neither I nor Celestia ever imagined there would be so many carnivorous peoples in Africa. I know the cat people can eat some manner of plants, but they seem to prefer meat or fish. I suppose it should come as no surprise that Spike ended up finally getting a taste of meat, though we all worked so long to keep it from happening.”

“And with that taste came growth.” He wasn’t nearly as tall as I was, yes, but he had grown around a foot since we left for Africa. “I’m surprised all it took for that was meat.”

“He would have grown slower if he hadn’t started eating that. But with that diet came more exercise and a warmer climate and more aggression in the air. Dragons are magical beings, and their growth depends on a lot of factors. Aggression is one of them; the more anger and hate in an area, the faster they’ll grow.”

“So where does that put us now? He went from here to Africa to here again, and now that he’s had a taste of meat that’s all he seems to want, unless he can find gemstones instead. I still get some supplies from Luna and what I can get when I hunt, but that isn’t nearly enough to feed someone for every meal. And I need that, too.”

“Well, Spike living with me never was a permanent thing. He is above all a dragon, and that means he won’t always be content as a helper, little more than a servant, even if he is serving in friendship rather than in bondage.”

“You have to admit, having a tame, fully grown dragon around would be absolutely kickass. I mean, if I could ride him and return home, I could easily convert half the world to thinking I was a god.”

“Yes, in your warlike world, it would be neat, but here it would just be a hindrance. Dragons are a lot bigger than ponies, as I’m sure you can imagine. Where would we get the food to keep him full? And where would he live?”

“I know it’s impractical, but man! I have this picture in my head now of me riding into Washington, DC astride a huge, majestic dragon, my wings fully outspread and a sword held high above my head, proclaiming that spot the new Mecca of the world, where I would rule humanity as a god emperor…”

“You have an overactive imagination. If you have any ideas of how to deal with the real situation we have, I’m open to suggestions.”

I sighed and shook the thought from my head. “At his current pony-driven growth rate, how long do we have until he is unsustainable?”

“Oh, at a pony driven rate, there’s no chance he’ll become a problem in my lifetime. Dragons live for thousands and thousands of years. I don’t even know the last time one actually died of old age. Their natural childhoods last over two hundred years, or at least their childhood how you or I would define it. But I imagine his time in the east cut anywhere from twenty to forty years off that, and that was just in eight months. If anything like that were to happen again, there’s no telling how much time we’ll lose, especially since he’s now open to the idea of such a thing instead of fighting it.”

“And you don’t think him being around me is perhaps accelerating his growth?”

“Not usually, no. You are violent occasionally, yes, but it is rarely an angry violence or an aggressive one. You are violent generally out of necessity, or at least when you think it is necessary. There is rarely any passion behind it. Trixie was just a competition. You did nothing but follow orders in Africa, and from all accounts I heard you hated most of what you had to do. You claim so often to be a terrible or violent person, but in all honesty, I think you might be one of the most moral ponies I’ve ever met, depending on how you look at it.”

I was tempted to point out the naga thing, but since Pinkie Pie didn’t want them to know I didn’t bother. “It’s kind of sad that you would think I’m better, morally, than any pony. Different, certainly, but I wouldn’t consider myself better than anyone in any way, other than being the best on this world at being human. And I might be one of the better liars.”

“You have a point, there. Though one of the best ways to lose a friend is to either lie or break their trust.”

“I’m well aware of that, yes. But this isn’t about me, as long as you’re saying Spike isn’t being negatively affected by me.”

“I didn’t say that. I said his growth wasn’t being affected by you. Some of his mental changes, though… You’re different, Nav. And you’re more open to the idea of violence, even if you rarely actually do much of it. Celestia knows he can probably smell the blood on you when you come back from a hunt… It’s hard to tell what effects you might be having on him.”

"Well, shit. What should we do?”

“Nothing, for now. Like it or not, you’re one of the only male figures in his life. To that end, he’s going to be getting some tendencies from you, no matter what happens. And we can see if his attitude will start returning to normal, now that he’s back home and away from most of the darkness we left behind.”

A little too far away from the Congo to be speaking of the Heart of Darkness. “Your call. If you wake up one day to find yourself missing a haunch and find Spike smacking his lips nearby, don’t come crying to me.”

“No, he’d probably go after Pinkie Pie instead—with all the sweets she eats, she would probably taste much better.”

“Speaking of people changing, Pinkie Pie has definitely gotten a lot saner since we left.”

“Maybe when she was talking to you, but as far as I could tell she was the same as she always was.”

“Maybe her insanity is just spreading over to me. Or maybe after so much time spent among the insane in Africa, I got better at automatically translating her garbage speak into English.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised at either. Notice any changes about the rest of them?”

“Fluttershy is more assertive and less cowardly, though I’m sure you noticed that. I haven’t spent much time with the others yet, not as individuals.”

“Fluttershy was never cowardly, she was just… well… okay, fair enough. I wonder what happened here that made them just change like that.”

“People change,” I answered with a shrug. “It happens. Spend eight months away, you shouldn’t come back expecting them to be the same.”

“I know… But at least we probably won’t be going away like that again for some time.”

“Thank God for that,” I said with a nod. I don’t know if I could survive another trip like that...

The rest of the day was spent chilling. It was pretty rad, after all the crap I had been through recently, to just rest and contemplate.

I take a lot of walks, if you haven’t realized that already. I have a lot of free time, since I don’t really have much of a job other than assisting Twilight and anyone else that asks me for help. I had proven my use as an agent of sorts, I suppose, so Celestia was more than happy to make sure I never really went hungry. I didn’t really like freeloading, but at the same time I knew without a cutie mark I wouldn’t really be accepted for anything more than odd jobs—which I did plenty of, if any of the ponies were ever brave enough to approach me about helping them.

Anyway, that’s a lot of buildup for saying I was walking in the park in late fall, thinking about something to do and trying to escape the cold through the labor of putting one foot in front of the other. I was bundled up in the warmest clothes friendship and repressed guilt can buy.

There was an early snowfall, brought in for an inane reason that only the weather ponies (led by Rainbow Dash, of course) could think of. Because of that, there are usually very few park goers or the like out enjoying it. I didn’t get much of a chance to enjoy snow as a child, so you can understand that when I first realized this place got snowy I was overjoyed.

Then I found out how much snow really, really sucks. It’s fun if it lands and sticks for a few days and goes away. It’s a lot less fun when it sticks for weeks and you have to constantly shovel it since your damn village doesn’t believe in using magic for anything like that.

But I digress yet again. I was walking through the snowy, cold park when I heard music in the distance. Sad, sad music. It sounded rather familiar, so I made my way to it. I crested a mound of snow that I recognized as a bench in warmer months and found Lyra sitting under her tree, playing a sad song she played the first time I met her. It looked like she had been crying.

I walked over and cleared a small space out on the ground and joined her. She didn’t look up until the last notes faded away. Normally when she sees me, she puts a smile on her face, but today she didn’t seem to be able to manage it. Honestly I don’t know if it’s me she liked or just my hands, but I’ve never brought it up.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She sighed and let her instrument drop back down to its case. “It’s… Bon-Bon,” she finally said. “I think she might love me so much more than I love her. I really care for her, but… I don’t know, Navarone. I think she might want marriage, but I’m not sure if I’m ready. I don’t know what to do…”

“I’m having a somewhat similar problem, Lyra,” I answered. “If you love her, though, you love her. That’s really all there is to it.”

“I know, but I don’t know if I love her! She’s always been there for me and it always seems like she’s doing so much more for me than I’m doing for her… It doesn’t seem fair, what she does for me. Especially when I give so little in return…”

“If she is still doing things for you then she’s obviously getting something in return just from the simple act of helping. Now tell me, what do you know of love?”

She blinked, not expecting that question. “It feels… good,” she said after a moment. “You never want to leave the pony you’re with. You hurt when they hurt. If things go sour, you care more about patching it up than you do about placing blame.” She gave a shuddering sigh.

I answered her sigh with one of my own as I yet again dredged that old quote up from memory, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Maybe I should make a list of good quotes from my world and keep it around for reference.

She nodded slowly. “That sounds like Bon-Bon. But I don’t know if it sounds like me.”

“I can’t help you there, my friend. I have seen you two together and I know you’re happy together, but beyond that, I don’t know. I have no idea what your home life is like. Though I also don’t know what a typical pony home life is like, so I guess that’s not really any different. The only advice I can give you is to not feel pressured into getting married before you’re ready because you feel like you owe Bon-Bon for being there for you. Down that road lies pain and resentment.”

“So what do you suggest I do?”

“I don’t really know,” I answered. “As I said, I have the same problem. I personally suggest talking to her. I know that it can’t be an easy subject, but it is usually better to have such things out in the open rather than leaving them to fester inside of you. You’ll have to make your own decision as to whether or not to do that, though. I know I would have a very, very hard time doing it, and would rather come to grips with it myself rather than risking their feelings by bringing it up. Even though I know that’s a bad idea, of course.”

She gave me a small smile at that. “Stubborn, Navarone?”

I shrugged. “I’m bad at taking advice. Either way, though, I hope you’ll do what will make you happy, because in the long run that’s what will make Bon-Bon happy. Oh, and don’t tell her any of this advice was mine unless it works out for the best; she seems like the clingy jealous type, and might try to hurt me if it goes sour for her in the short run.”

I got a full smile for that. “She always was jealous of you, Nav,” she admitted. “She doesn’t have fingers like you do.”

I held up my hand and slipped my glove off. “Why would she be jealous?” I asked, flexing my fingers. “Sure, having fingers makes me better than most ponies, but I’m sure she has some manner of redeeming qualities!” The way I said it made it obvious that it was a joke.

She giggled. “She’s jealous because of what you told me the first day we met. How having fingers makes things so easy to… stroke.” Oh. Ew. “She’s mad that she can’t touch me like you can.” Welp, this just got really uncomfortable.

“There’s a spell that turns humans into ponies and ponies into humans,” I said. She perked up immediately. “It’s incredibly hard to cast if you have a cutie mark, though.” She drooped a bit.

Only to perk up enough to ask, “Is Twilight strong enough to cast it?”

“I don’t think so. I think she’s strong enough to turn me into a pony, but I don’t think she can turn an adult pony into a human. Celestia or Luna could, but good luck convincing them to. And trust me when I say the change is so jarring that you would probably be too disoriented to enjoy it much.”

She rolled her eyes. “How bad could it be?”

I described the problems Twilight and I had adjusting to different bodies.

When I finished she shrugged. “I could get over it, if it meant having fingers… Especially if I still had magic!” Her horn glowed and I felt my hands go rigid. “I don’t suppose you’d mind if I played with yours again?” she asked.

“Just be careful,” I answered. “Don’t do anything with them that I wouldn’t do if I was controlling them.”

She gave a look of what I thought might have been disappointment before jerking me closer. She spun around and ran my fingers through her mane. Then my hands went to her back. And then they went to her flank.

“That’s far enough, Lyra,” I said before she could pull them anywhere else. She shuddered as my hands returned to my own control. I pulled them away from her and moved back to my patch of cleared grass.

When I got settled back down, I saw she was looking at me. “You said you didn’t know much about my home life,” she said. “So I don’t suppose you knew Bon-Bon is something of a voyeur?” I really didn’t like what she was implying.

“I didn’t know that,” I answered. “It seems odd to me that a jealous girl would be happy watching someone else have sex with you, though.”

“I thought the same thing when I found out,” she said. “We had a bit of a talk about it, though. It seems she gets off to the feeling of protection it instills in her.” That’s really creepy. And it might be a lie.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but if it comes down to it I’ll straight up tell her no. “That’s strange, but I suppose to each their own. I don’t really know why you feel like telling me that, though.”

She smiled. “Relax, Nav. You already made your point clear. I’m disappointed but I understand. That was just a warning on the off chance you run into me having sex in a public place and think I’m cheating on her because of the conversation we just had.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “I’ll remember that, then.” So there actually are reasonable women on this planet.

Her horn glowed as she picked up her instrument again. “I still don’t feel perfect about my… love life, but I do feel a bit better now. Would you care to hear me play some more?” I nodded, a smile back on my face. She began to caress the strings with her magic, the song she was playing a much happier contrast to the one I found her playing.

Chapter Twenty—I am not the love doctor

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tI57doN85C7evicHis_IBLs96PdH3ATQ3N6I6IQtXDw/edit

A few weeks later, I noticed that I was being followed by yet another pony. A brown stallion, this time. I did much the same thing I did with Lyra, to be positive he was following me. When I was sure, I just turned around, walked right up to him, and said, “Hello. Why are you following me?”

He gazed at me in fear for all of three seconds before trying to bolt. My hand shot out and grabbed his tail. Something weird that I’ve noticed is that if you grab their tail they get yanked back in pain. I don’t know why. Anywhere else would have probably yanked my arm out of the socket.

I pulled him back to me and held onto him until he stopped trying to run. I was getting a lot of looks from ponies around me, but none of them actually said anything. “I can stand here all day,” I told him.

He finally collapsed. I walked to the front of his body and knelt down. “My name is Navarone,” I said, holding out a hand. He hesitantly took it. I pulled him to his feet.

“D-d-doctor Whooves,” he answered. You’re kidding, right? His cutie mark was an hour glass. I immediately thought of Doctor Who when I saw this guy. Imagine that.

“So why are you following me?” I asked. “And why did you try to run?”

He sighed. “I… I wanted to ask you something.”

“Running away is not a good way to ask me something. And following me isn’t a good way to ask me something either. You ponies aren’t very smart sometimes.”

He blushed slightly at that. “I was… unsure… of talking to you. You are… well, big! And a hero! I didn’t know…”

I sighed. “I’m not a hero,” I said. “Just someone who was in the right place at the wrong time. What’s your question?”

“Well… You seem pretty close to some of the ponies here,” he said, shyness creeping back into his voice. Well, he’s not quite Doctor Who.

“Some of them, yes,” I said. “Now what’s your question?”

“And you seem to know Derpy Hooves,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. Maybe he’s a Fluttershy clone?

“Yep, I helped drag her heavy ass out of the forest. What’s your question?”

“I… I want to meet her,” he whispered.

I stared at him. He lowered his eyes. I looked up. “DERPY!” I called, looking up at her, flying to her next delivery—she was a mail… mare, I guess. Mailmare. That makes sense, right?

She jerked her head down to me and flew into the side of a building with a disturbing crunch. Whooves flinched and tried to run but I grabbed his tail again. I looked at him as she slid down the building. “You free today at five?” I asked him, still looking at the mare.

When he finally stopped trying to run he turned to me with horror. After a loud gulp, he nodded.

Derpy finally picked herself off the ground from where she had slid down the building. She was, of course, completely unhurt. No, I don’t know how. These ponies, man, they’re made of fucking steel sometimes.

She trotted up to me with a massive smile on her face. “What do you need, Nav?” she asked, one of her eyes on me and the other on Whooves.

“Derpy, this is Doctor Whooves. He’s too nervous to ask, but he wants to take you on a date tonight.”

They both turned nearly luminescent with their blushes. Derpy recovered first and turned to him. “What… What time?” she whispered.

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. After a moment he closed it and looked to me. “Five,” I answered. “Sugarcube Corner okay?” I asked them both. They nodded, looking at each other.

“Congratulations, Doc,” I said. “You got a date.”

I turned to go but turned back after a moment to find them still staring at each other. “Derpy, don’t forget your mail,” I said, reminding her. She gasped and leapt into the air, hitting her head on a signpost that was above her.

I turned again, shaking my head.

“I’m okay!” she shouted as she took off again. I started walking away.

Only to find my new brown friend holding onto my legs. I tried pulling them away from him to no use. I sighed. “What, Doc?” I finally asked.

“How… how do I… date somepony?”

“I don’t know, Doc,” I answered. “I’ve never done it. Can you let go of me? I kind of want to get out of this town for a day.” I was tired of dealing with shit like this; my patience for tomfoolery was much shorter after Africa.

“But… But… I don’t know what to do!”

I sagged and couldn’t help but look up to the heavens. Why do I have to deal with shit like this? “I suggest you ask a pony friend,” I answered. “Failing that, be yourself. Or rather, be the part of yourself that isn’t uncomfortably silent when you come face-to-face with the mare you like.”

“Be myself?” he scoffed. “That never works!”

“Look. Doc. I don’t care. Let me go or I’m going to sit on you.”

“Can you… go with me tonight? Sit near me and help me?”

I fell back on him, since he was still holding my legs. His head went between my legs and I was straddling his upper neck. When I had his head locked I mashed my legs together, constricting his air flow.

“Let. Me. Go,” I said. His arms slowly drifted away from my legs. I pulled my legs out and flipped one over his head so I could easily stand up. “I got you the date. Talk to someone else to help you. Either way, I seriously suggest getting some confidence or something, man. Or harness the confidence that made you hold onto me so long after I threatened you.” I stood up and patted him on the top of the head. “I’m heading out of the village now. If you follow me, I’ll drag you back into town and tie you to a table in Sugarcube Corner until your date gets there.”

I left the village and I left him lying in the dirt.

I’m not going to lie: I was very, very surprised that he followed me. And I had absolutely no way to drag him back to town; he was stronger than me and heavier than me. Fucking ponies, man. I don’t know when I realized he was behind me again, but when I did I started heading to an area I knew well enough that I can sneak up on him.

It took me half an hour to set him up. When he was finally right where I needed him, I dropped down from the tree and onto his back. His mouth opened in surprise and I jammed my belt between his teeth as a bit. I used that to control his head and he quickly fell into line.

“You’re a docile one,” I commented, patting him on the side. “Much easier to break than the horses back home. Now, why did you follow me?” I slid the bit out, making sure I was safely on his back.

“You were testing my confidence…” he gasped, still recovering from his fear. I was what now? “You wanted to see if I was brave enough to follow you out of town!” I closed my eyes, thinking over what I had said and—Yep, you could look at it that way. Fucking ponies.

I patted his neck again. “That’s not at all what I was doing,” I said. He sagged. “Congratulations. You’re either an idiot or a genius. Either way, you’re more confident than I thought. But maybe you misunderstood me when I said that I really don’t care. Because I most definitely don’t. Be happy that you’re normal enough to go on a date with a pony. Derpy’s a nice enough mare, if incredibly clumsy. Hell, she’s probably one of the kindest I’ve met. Makes an awesome muffin, too. If she likes you, good. If not, oh well. Either way, I don’t care. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

He turned his head to look at me. “This is a hard test! It’s almost like… you… don’t… Oh.” He got quieter saying that until he was barely whispering. He hung his head.

I patted him again and slid off his back. I turned to walk away again, but felt something very large and very heavy crash into me, sending me to the ground. My head hit the ground and left me reeling. I realized after a moment that he was holding me down. I shook my head and tried to push myself up but I didn’t budge.

“I need your help!” he raged.

“I am going to count to three,” I said. “If you are still on top of me when I finish, I will hurt you.”

“But—”

“One.”

“You don’t—”

“Two.” I pulled out my knife.

“Please!”

“Three.”

I felt him move. I pushed myself off the ground and turned to look at him. He was looking down, unable to meet my gaze. I grabbed his head and forced his gaze up. “Remember that feeling,” I told him. “That feeling when you struck me. That need. Now go get her. Or something.” I let his head go and turned once more, sheathing my dagger.

I heard him sigh as I walked away.

I get so, so tired of dealing with these fucking ponies sometimes. So dramatic, so full of life and emotion. And it seems like every time they want to involve me with something it’s the fucking clichéd plot of a cartoon or TV show.

Sometimes I just need to get away for a day, you know?

The next day, Derpy came by the library with an extra-special muffin and a peck on the cheek for introducing her to such a great stallion. Whoop-de-doo. Doctor Whooves came by an hour or so later and gave me a hoof-crafted clock, which was pretty neat.

Say what you want about my methods, but I get results. Even when I don’t try and don’t care. And apparently I get friends even when I act like a dick. I was starting to wonder what it would take to get a few days of peace and quiet.

About six weeks after the naga thing, I found myself looking outside into the dreary winter day, wondering if I should bother stepping outside.

Someone knocked on the door. Twilight was away and Spike was brooding again, so I went to answer it. Rainbow Dash greeted me. “Oh, hi Navarone. Is Twilight in?”

“Nope. She and Rarity went to do something.”

“Good. Can I talk to you about something… sensitive?”

I thought about Spike, wandering about the building—ostensibly cleaning, but he wasn’t doing that much—and decided we could walk. “Let me grab my coat.”

A few minutes later, we were chilling on a high cloud, trying to soak as much heat out of the sun as it was willing to weakly beat against us. “What do you want to talk about?”

“This might sound odd, but how do you get a mare to like you?”

I laid back into the cloud—wings weren’t an issue for that, up here—and tried to think how I could respond to that.

Finally, I said, “What makes you think I have any experience in attracting mares?”

I imagined her rolling her eyes as she said, “Don’t make me spell it out, Nav.”

What the hell is she talking about? There’s no way she could know about Luna. “If I did attract someone, I can almost guarantee you that it wasn’t on purpose. I can’t imagine that it’s true, anyway. What pony, male or female, could find much romantic interest in something like me after knowing me long enough?”

“You mean you really don’t know? And I thought I was slow to figure it out! Well, if you don’t know, I won’t be the one to tell you.”

“Suit yourself. I don’t know how I can tell you what I did with her if I don’t know who it is, though.” If not Luna, though, then who?

“But you have to have some manner of advice, even if it was from girls in your own world!”

“You could get lucky and find yourself fulfilling a personal fetish of theirs. That happened to me, in Africa. I couldn’t tell you if it was more of a curse or a blessing, though.”

“Oh, this I have to hear! What happened?”

I found myself blushing. “I’m not certain you want to know. Your innocent mind might not take it well.”

“Tell me or I’ll sit on you,” she answered, jumping up from her spot.

“And you ponies call me violent! Fine, if you’ll not tell any of the others. There was a crazy cat lady in Africa that had a fetish for wings.” And a few other things. “It was an interesting time I spent in those desert nights.”

“I’m sure you enjoyed yourself, anyway. Why would you consider that a curse?”

“Because I had no say in the matter, one way or another. I was basically her prisoner. I got orders from Celestia that basically amounted to ‘Do anything these people say.’ When I complained to the leader of the cats, who at that point hated me, she pointed out the wording of the orders and told me to suck it up. And when she started going too far and I was trying to say no, they threatened Spike. I eventually… came to an arrangement.”

“Psh. Leave it to you to complain about free, no strings attached sex.”

“The sex, I didn’t mind. I just didn’t like the fact that I had no say in the matter. That, and very often I had to wake up early the next morning to march in the relentless desert sun, or else I had already missed a few hours of sleep to attack a slave camp. And you don’t know what too far means.”

She still couldn’t find much wrong with it, and I decided to let it go. Not something I really much wanted to think about.

“But if that isn’t an option, what else can I do?”

“Are you positive this person is into mares?”

“No, but I think she might be open to trying it, if nothing else…”

“I’ll tell you what I told Spike: Whoever this chick is, try telling her you’re interested. If she isn’t, she’ll tell you and you can stop worrying about it, and you won’t have to do some elaborate scheme to try to get her. If she is, problem solved.”

“If I wanted that kind of advice, I would have asked my mother, or just about any other mare. I want to know how a guy would go about doing it.”

“Depends on the guy, honestly. There is no set way to go about it. It also depends on what you’re looking for. Most people don’t think about what happens in a relationship once the initial passion dies down. Forever is a long time to pledge your life to someone, and over time you get to know them as different than when you first met them. If you’re in love with someone because of the mystery or intrigue they pose, and nothing else, you’re going to end up disappointed in the long run. A relationship with anybody would be a lot different than the wooing process.”

“So what are you trying to tell me?”

“It’s different based on what you’re looking for and the person you’re going after. If you’re just looking for a quick fuck, it’s simple. You tell the person you’re interested, ask if they are, and then go from there. Your parents, though, were probably looking for love when they got together, and their wooing style probably went with that: They very likely had a long dating process.” Unless you’re an accident after a one night stand and they decided to stay together because of that, like me and my sister. “During that time they got to know each other a bit to know if they were fully compatible before agreeing to anything more. But asking someone on a date is both easier and harder than you’d think. Easier, because there are fewer expectations from a date than there are when you get a girl to love you in one night. Harder, because it implies more intimacy, or at least the chance for more intimacy.”

If you can’t tell, by the way, I’m making about half of this up as I go. I’ve spent some mental time on game theory and stuff like this, but never for practical reasons. Some of this might work, but I’ve never tested it. It’s weird, though, how many people were suddenly coming to me for relationship advice.

“You’re really going to have to tell me the story behind Egill some time, Nav. According to Twilight and some of the stories I’ve heard, Luna seemed pretty happy.”

I sighed. “How many ponies actually know it was me?”

“I dunno. You did have a cutie mark somehow, but it’s really not that much of a disguise for anypony that saw you as a pony before. It’s a good thing Fleur hasn’t figured it out and hurt you for it. Though I still haven’t figured out how you got a cutie mark.”

“If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll tell you the story. And by not telling anyone, I mean telling absolutely no one. I really don’t want to risk it getting back to that hussy.”

She did. I did.

When I was finished, she commented—after she got done laughing, anyway—“I can’t believe you said that to her! No wonder it was all over the papers!”

“...It was what now?” I slowly said.

“Dude, I don’t even care about celebrity gossip and all that stuff, but I still heard about it. Front page news and everything! Nopony told you because Twilight told us not to, for whatever reason.”

“That’s stupid. Well… it’s not like it matters. I wouldn’t have done anything with it. As long as Fleur doesn’t find out, I’m okay. So remember: Not a word to anyone. Feel free to try some of what I did as Egill, but remember that it required insulting the hell out of someone. If it makes you feel any better, I told Spike the same stuff I told you.”

“But he’s not any closer to getting Rarity.”

“He also didn’t try following the advice I did give him, though.”

“What’d you tell him?”

“To tell her that he’s interested.”

“I’m pretty sure she knows.”

“I know that and you know that. Hell, pretty much everyone knows that. Rarity is rather manipulative. She’ll probably keep using his feelings until he admits them, and then kick him to the curb.”

“She’s better than that, Nav!”

“Well, after some of what she did to me I feel that I’m justified in what I think.”

“Oh? Do you have more stories for me?”

“Not on this I don’t.”

“And if I threatened to sit on you again?”

“I’ll starve before I talk,” I answered with a shrug, getting ready to feel a furry pony all over me.

“Well, I suppose I should leave you with some secrets, otherwise there’d be no more reason to talk to you. Though I don’t know why you’re willing to talk about some of this stuff now.”

“No one asked about some of the stuff earlier. Hey, why are you coming out to me, now, about something like this? Instead of some of your other friends, I mean.”

She looked away and muttered something.

“What was that? I must have some cloud in my ear.” She mumbled it a bit louder. “Maybe that cloud is actually some sand from Africa. I still can’t hear you.”

“You’re the only friend I can tell that won’t think I’m hitting on them! Why don’t you seem surprised at all to learn it?”

“Since we’re being honest here, I already knew.”

“YOU WHAT?”

“Remember when we got you drunk, my first year here? Yeah, when you woke up that morning, that thing you thought I said, that I actually did say, was ‘we tried letting Big MacIntosh flirt with you.’ It didn’t work well, though he didn’t specify why. All he said was you didn’t want a stallion.”

That got her a bit steamed and scared at the same time. “You mean… Applejack… she knows? And Big Mac? And… and you LIED to me! Twice!”

“Now, technically, I only lied to you once, because of your wording when you kidnapped me.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better!”

“Well, what else was I supposed to do? What would you have done if we told you what we knew? What would you have done that was different, I mean?”

“…I would not have waited as long as I did to bring this up. How did Applejack react when she found out?”

“So much has happened… If you want, I can show you the relevant journal entries. They go more into detail, and there might be something in them that I wouldn’t think to mention.”

She agreed to that, and we flew back down to the library. Once there, I thought for a second, and then picked a book seemingly at random from a shelf and handed it to her.

“This says… Mating Habits of the Common Cow. Are you calling me fat?”

“Open it.” She did so, somehow, and found that it was hollowed out and full of journal pages.

“Does Twilight know you did this to one of her books?”

“Nope. Seriously, who the hell is going to try to check out something on the mating habits of cows? Who the hell would even write a book like that? Makes about as much sense as rock farming.” Especially since cows are sentient in this place. Fucking disgusting creatures. I was happy to burn the insides of that book when I cut them out.

“I don’t think Twilight would care about the logicality of it as much as she would that you messed with one of her books.”

“True enough. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, though.” I grabbed the entries of note and set them out for her. “Oh, and don’t think all the entries are in there, either. I spread them out in various hiding places.” That was a lie, actually. They were all in there. I wasn’t taking any chances by keeping them in an easily found location. I suppose it would be more accurate to call it a half lie, actually. I had chopped up a lot of books and stored things in all of them. Most were false trails, fake entries in my journal, things that weren’t true and never happened. Basically, tells to let me know if someone was actually searching for anything. If they mentioned something to me about what was in one of them, I would move the real entries. If they mentioned something to me about what was in the real entries, I would claim they were part of the false trail I laid out.

I’m a little bit paranoid, okay? And it’s not like I have much else to do in this boring pony world.

She started reading, looking for what, I don’t know. I also don’t know if she found it. Maybe it was reading my attitudes and opinions on the matter that caused it, but whatever, she didn’t answer any of my questions on the matter when I asked them. I probably should have taken the bit about Luna out of them, but I didn’t see what it could hurt and I didn’t want her to think I was hiding anything.

I offered to let her read through until the part where she kidnapped me, but she decided against it. She still seemed in a bit of shock.

She finally asked me, “Are all your entries like this?”

“Not all. I don’t see what was so surprising about it, though. Other than my complete irreverence, I mean. That’s a pretty common theme. Overarching, actually. Even when I first met Celestia, one of my only thoughts was how tired she looked.”

“But… she’s the princess! No way is she ever tired. Just think of how easy life must be for her.”

“...If you say so. She is definitely a person, one way or another. Shame she only seems to want to talk to me when she needs me to do something.”

“Psh. That’s not true! What about that time she summoned us to Canterlot and her sister ended up getting injured? She talked to you for hours, then.”

“Yeah. That was, as it turned out, an interview of sorts. I can’t go over the details, but she was talking with me for a reason.” Fucking Luna, man.

“Oh, come on! You’ve told me so much, what’s a little more going to hurt?”

“Possibly a lot more than you know.”

“You can’t just cut me off there! Come on, what happened?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“And if I threaten to hold these entries hostage? Or read through them?”

“You may be faster than me, but you can’t run forever. And if all else fails, I’ll just get Pinkie Pie to help me catch you. Some of those entries concern her secrets as well.”

“Secret conspiracies with both Princess Celestia and Pinkie Pie? What, are they planning a super-secret Equestria-wide party?”

“No, two different secrets about two different topics, for the most part unrelated. I ended up in Africa because of Pinkie Pie’s secret, but it isn’t for me to discuss.”

“Something Pinkie Pie did ended up with you in Africa? You can’t keep that a secret, Nav!”

“I can and I will. I have heard it said that the best way to lose a friend is to tell a secret of theirs that they don’t want known. I won’t be finding the truth of that out the hard way.”

“Psh, fine. Is there anything else you feel like sharing today, or should I go and wallow in unsatisfied curiosity?”

“If I tell you everything at once, what’s to keep you coming back for more?”

“What if I promise to not come back unless you give me more?”

“Then I might well see that as a good way to keep some of my secrets hidden. But fine. Since I know you’re such a sweet and placid little pony, I don’t think I’ll give you the Africa entries; they’re much too violent for such an innocent thing as yourself,” accompanied by a poke on her nose. She gave me one of those looks for that. “I can’t very well give you either of my naga campaign entries…”

“Wait, when did you fight with the naga? You didn’t talk about that when you told us your Africa stories!”

“I can’t just tell you everything about me, Dash! How else am I supposed to stay aloof and mysterious?”

“After reading some of these, I’m starting to think you need to step off your high pony. Fine, keep your secrets. How about the Egill thing? I already know about that, so there’s nothing more to hide.”

“You’d think that. It’s not like it matters, though. Nothing in those entries would do you any good, and there’s nothing in there that you need to know.”

“Sounds to me like you’re actually trying to hide something, now.”

“I wonder why.”

“Psh. What are you hiding, a secret love affair with Princess Celestia?”

That would be more interesting than one with Luna, if nothing else. I laughed her off, though, and answered, “Nah. My cutoff age for cougars is thirty years older than I. I believe Celestia is a little bit past that.”

“What’s a cougar?”

“An older female that romances younger males.”

“I dunno, Nav… After what I’ve heard about Egill and Luna, I wouldn’t be too surprised to find you secretly loving her. Especially after all of that with the cat in the desert! Sounds to me like you attract domineering mares.”

“A curse, that is. I’ve technically been raped by four chicks in this world, though I probably could have stopped the naga if I truly wanted to.”

“Oh man, you are making this naga story sound cooler and cooler!” ...You find rape cool?

“It’s a shame you’ll probably never get to hear it, then.”

“You’re no fun sometimes, Nav!”

“Only sometimes. At least on a funness scale, I generally score higher than spoil sports like Rarity or Twilight. I swear, those two try their hardest to never let me have any fun.”

“What about that competition with Trixie that Twilight took you to help her with? Aside from ending up as a pony, you probably had a lot of fun there!”

“True. It was actually pretty fun, for the most part. But as you said, I ended up as a pony because of it.”

“You seemed to have a lot of fun there, too. I mean, you learned how to fly, you started taking dance lessons that you never seem to miss now, you for some reason helped Rarity with fashion stuff, and you even managed to seduce Luna! Which I would have loved to have seen, by the way. I mean, you? Suave and charming? Yeah right!”

“It definitely wasn’t a seduction. I just happened to say a few things that made her happy. But it was an interesting night, by all accounts. I heard Fleur acted as slutty as possible this year to make up for it.”

“Yeah… But it was kinda disappointing, without Celestia or the mysterious Egill there to liven things up. Though it was also kinda boring even when Celestia was there.”

“Formal parties like that aren’t supposed to be fun. They exist for politics. If I went there as a newly rich pony, I could probably form massive alliances with some of the more prestigious members of society. In a situation like that in my world, I might arrange marriages, arrange commodity trades, settle border disputes, flirt, and generally just connive my way to power. Here, though, I have no ambitions because no one would accept me as any manner of public leader.”

“I don’t know about all that. Politics are so boring! I just go to try to be seen by the Wonderbolts.”

“Have you ever, I don’t know, tried applying for entry?”

“I’m too young… I just want them to know about me before I can actually go to the academy, so I can get in easier!”

“Dash, you managed a Sonic Rainboom twice. They probably aren’t allowed not to take you. Though I don’t know if your trail is what they’re looking for. They tend to leave lightning behind them, I’ve heard, while you leave a rainbow.”

“I’m sure that’ll be the least of my problems!”

“You’ll do fine. Just don’t forget what’s truly important in life.”

“I’ve already had that lesson. Don’t worry, I know friends are important.”

“Friends? Yeah, I guess those are important, too. Probably better than what I was thinking, anyway…”

“What did you mean?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s probably better it isn’t said aloud.” Actually, friends are what I meant, but I just like being difficult sometimes.

“You’re weird, Nav.”

“Yeah, I am. It’s fun.”

She thought for second. “You know, if you were still a pegasus, you could help me train better.”

“I’m not good with speed. I get where I’m going when I get there and not a second sooner or later.”

“I don’t see why most ponies don’t seem to care anything for speed. To me, if you’re not moving as fast as possible, you’re just wasting time!”

“To me, life is a journey. If you don’t take some time to look around and enjoy it and to make sure you know where you’re going, you’ll miss something. You only have one life to live, so there’s no reason to risk wasting any of it by skipping something you might enjoy.”

“What if all I enjoy is going fast?”

“That is different, but if that’s truly all you enjoy, you might want to try something else. If you ever do want to, I’m sure Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy wouldn’t mind overly much if you joined us for a dance lesson one day.”

“I don’t know…”

“What, afraid you’re not agile enough? I know you used to go by Rainbow Crash, but I didn’t know it applied to when you were also walking…” I knew the easiest way to get her to do something was goading her like that, and it worked. Personally, I didn’t care one way or another if she wanted to try, but I figured it would be funny, and since there were two chicks and me there, she would probably end up dancing with a mare, possibly giving her some manner of confidence.

“Oh, you’re on! I’ll be there, and I’ll be the best dancer Pinkie Pie has ever seen!”

“Good. Oh, and you’ll probably end up dancing with Pinkie Pie, so that’s a plus, I suppose.”

“Goo—wait, what?”

I pointed the number distribution out to her. She grimaced slightly, but she couldn’t back out now. “Relax,” I said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I could end up banished from her presence or possibly as her eternal slave.”

“See, I told Spike that could happen! And he didn’t believe me…”

“Huh?”

“Oh, just a conversation we had about Rarity a long time ago, when he asked me for girl advice. We ended up joking about worst case scenarios involving women. One ended up with him banished from Rarity’s presence and me as her eternal slave.”

“Oh, I’m sure she would love that.”

“I would kill myself. I can’t abide being bound down like that. My potential wanderlust is too high.”

“I know that feeling. That’s part of the reason I live in the clouds: I can move my home around if I want.” I snorted at the idea of her living in a mobile home. “What?”

“Nothing, just something back from my world.” Just then, I heard someone coming up the steps to Twilight’s house. I looked at the desecrated book that still held most of my entries and said, “Oh shit, we need to hide this!”

As quickly as we could, we shoved the entries in it and closed it back. I got it ready just as the door opened and Twilight entered. “Oh, hello Rainbow Dash. I didn’t know you liked reading…about cows,” she said when she saw the title on the book I was somewhat scared to hide, thinking she might think we were hiding something.

Now, I’m a pretty decent liar, if I do say so myself. But I was completely lost at how to go about explaining this one away. I could tell from the awkward silence next to me that Rainbow Dash was just as lost. Thankfully, Rarity followed Twilight in and I was saved from having to. I think that’s one of the few times I was thankful to see Rarity.

Before Rarity could say anything, though, Rainbow Dash fled, saying, “I’ve gotta see a bear about a thing!” She left me completely holding the bag on that one. If there was any chance of me dropping the book and fleeing as well, I would have been right behind her, but I couldn’t take it without logging it and I couldn’t leave it without Twilight checking it.

“What was that about?” Rarity asked.

“She had a question she wanted answered,” I said.

“A question about… the mating habits of cows?” Twilight asked.

“How much of what Rainbow Dash does ever make sense?” I replied. I also resolved to move my hiding places around. Twilight and Rarity would suspect this book now, and Rainbow Dash knew for sure about it. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really need to get back to… what I was doing.”

“Not so fast, Navarone,” Rarity said. My back was already turned and I was heading to the stairs. I closed my eyes, annoyed, and counted to ten in my head before slowly turning back with a half-smile on my face, eyes once again open. I could feel my wings twitching slightly, which they sometimes do when I’m dealing with something I’d rather not be. I still had the book in hand, to be stashed in my room until I could deal with it safely.

When I looked, she had that sweet smile on her face that I had seen her use on a few stallions about town to get them to do what she wanted.

I hated that fucking smile.

I decided to remind her about something. “You should know by now that your feminine wiles do nothing against me, woman. I’m not attracted to ponies, remember?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” was the expected answer, and I wasn’t disappointed. I couldn’t tell if Twilight was amused or confused. “I was just hoping to ask you for a favor.”

“I’m listening, but I’ll make no promises until I hear the task.” I had learned my lesson about that.

“Let’s walk, shall we? I’ve been cooped up inside all day, and I’m sure Twilight doesn’t want to be bored by our little discussion.”

I raised an eyebrow, but said, “Give me a minute.” I went to put the book in my room, grabbed my cloak—it was freaking December, after all—and after half a second of thought I grabbed a dagger. I wasn’t expecting to need it, but it did me well when near Rarity to keep it by my side. For sanity’s sake, if nothing else.

When I walked back down, I could tell she was itching to go. Twilight was apparently continuing a conversation they were having before they walked in, about one of the finer points of unicorn magic. Rarity used her magic for her arts, but beyond that she didn’t much care about exploring it, at least not that I ever saw. I didn’t know if I should hurry to help her escape Twilight or take my time to watch her suffer some more.

Eh, the sooner I get this over with the better. Never let it be said I don’t have some room for mercy in my heart.

So we bid Twilight farewell and went on our way, me with trepidation in my heart and her with a practical prance in her step. That did nothing for my mood.

“So, what did you want to say to me that you didn’t want Twilight to hear?”

I don’t know if she was surprised that I managed to pick up on that—women are often surprised to find that men actually understand them sometimes—but she answered it all the same: “Remember the modeling you did for me as a pony?” I almost, almost turned around and walked away. If I didn’t know she would follow me saying Pleeeeease! everywhere I went, I would have. I just nodded, a ball of trepidation forming in my stomach as she continued: “Well, the pictures all caught on! And it wasn’t just Fluttershy’s old fame that did it, or my extravagant outfits!” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at that one. “No, Navarone, the fashion industry wants you as a star! Just think of it!”

“As I’ve said before, I do my best not to think of it. I see no advantages to be gained in doing something like that, at least none for me.”

“I don’t see why you have such an unreasonable detestation toward the fashion industry, Navarone. You really must get that sorted out. Maybe this is a chance to do that!”

“I’m quite fine with my irrational hatreds, actually. They help keep me warm at night, when I’m alone and unable to sleep.”

“Well, I think such things are unhealthy, and would be happy to help you deal with them. Come on, Nav, when have I ever let you down?”

“You must have a bad memory. It’s only been two years.”

“I thought you were over that by now! Come on, it was just one time!” Fight. Down. The anger.

“Where I come from, you’d still be in jail for that,” I coldly answered. “But we digress. I’ve no interest in your fashion industry. I don’t want to become a pony again and I don’t want to play dress up. I did that out of boredom and because I knew I would hate it enough that it would help pass the time and I wouldn’t have to worry about risking a cutie mark.”

She stopped and started toying with some pebbles on the ground with her hoof, then looked up and said, “I didn’t want to have to do this, but… I know about Egill.”

“Congratulations. And what does that do for you?”

“You’re not even going to try to hide it?”

“Why bother? You have no proof. You can know about it all you like, but who’s going to believe you?”

“Is the idea of doing things with fashion so horrible that you wouldn’t even do this for a friend?”

So you wanna play like that, huh? “And is your fashion industry so important to you that you would beg a friend to go out of his comfort zone to help you in something he doesn’t want to do?” Not much you can say to that, I was hoping.

“I didn’t want to use this either, but… I already contacted the ponies interested. They’ll be here in a few days. I really need your help here, Navarone!” I didn’t know if she was telling the truth or not, but I know she looked sincere about it. And she was starting to look worried. That convinced me more than anything. Merde... I wasn’t going to go down without some swings though.

“And what were you planning on telling them if I said no?”

“I wasn’t expecting you to actually say no! Not like this! Please, Navarone, I need you!” I hate seeing people beg. I sighed. She smiled, seeing that she had won. “You won’t regret this! I swear it!”

A week later, we were both sitting in a jail cell. She was regretting it more than I was, as she was moaning something about, “Ruined, ruined!” I was expecting we would be let out shortly; as a friend to both princesses, I didn’t expect the charges against us would hold. Especially not when we got to explain.

Still, it was fucking cold in that cell, so I was kind of regretting having to snuggle against Rarity to keep warm.

Chapter Twenty-One—Why I never want to help Rarity again

Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pxPOzIRDrqaVzDt5rPG7vRB1o774JgafyLlcuqywaxo/edit

And before you ask, I still haven’t figured out exactly how the hell it happened. Like, I had no clue, when Rarity was lucid she had no clue, and we were just both completely and totally confused about why we were arrested. But I know that I hadn’t actually done anything and as far as I knew, she hadn’t done anything either, so I was guessing it was all just a misunderstanding.

I was more surprised to learn that Equestria even had prisons, honestly.

After a day or so of waiting in that cold, boring cell, we were finally taken to trial. By that time, Rarity had apparently decided she was an invalid or something and was forced to lean on me for support. When we got inside the courtroom, I about turned around and just went back to my cell. Celestia was there, and she was not looking like she usually did, which was calm, happy, and collected. No, she looked like an avenging angel ready to drop judgment on sinners. We were Soddom and Gommorah and she was the divine retribution.

I put on my best poker face.

“Do you understand the charges against you?” Celestia demanded.

“No, actually,” I said. “I was hoping they could be explained. We weren’t told a damn thing.”

“You are charged with…” she pretended to go down a list of perpetrators to find our case, “…treason. How do you plead?” What. The. Fuck.

Rarity almost fainted. I answered for us both, “We plead not guilty.” There were whispers from the small crowd behind us. When I took a short glance back that way, I saw that only guards were present.

“Plead your case, then.”

“Well, all good tales start at the beginning, I suppose…”

As you probably know, I am normally a human. Well, a human with wings. However, because a few certain people can’t seem to accept that’s how I want to stay, I occasionally find myself in the guise of a pegasus.

My help had just been requested for a sensitive manner, a favor for a friend. The catch, though, was that I had to be a pegasus again to do it. With much trepidation in my heart, I agreed.

An interjection from Celestia: “What was the favor?”

“I was asked to work as a model. Not something I’m a fan of. Not something I’ll ever do again, if this is any indication of what happens when I try it.”

Anyway, I agreed to the job, because that’s the nice kind of guy I am. The… photographer, I suppose is the best term, was due in a few days, so I had some time to get my human affairs in order. There was little to most of what I had to do, so I finished within a day.

Before I was asked to help with this favor, I had been talking to another friend of mine, a mare named Rainbow Dash. She left in quite a bit of a hurry, so when I finished everything I needed to I checked on her. She was fine, and had just thought of something she needed to do. We talked for a spell over inconsequential things (namely, my past experiences with female humans—what little there were, but Celestia and the court didn’t need to know that).

I ate my last meal with human hands a day after the request was made, which I suppose is about nine days ago, now. After that breakfast, I had Twilight Sparkle turn me into a pegasus.

The photographer still had another day until he was due, so I threw a cloak over my blank flank and sauntered through town. I had paraded about like that, in the past, as an agent of the crown. Which is technically true, if you think about some of what I’ve done in the past.

Anyway, I was found by another friend, called Pinkie Pie, and she wanted to test my body in dancing. Pinkie Pie, another friend named Fluttershy, and I all get together every now and then and dance for fun, but I’m always a human when we do it. So we went off to get Fluttershy to find she wasn’t there, and couldn’t be found.

We did, however, find another friend named Applejack. We managed to coerce her into trying it out, under the guise of a challenge. She and Rainbow Dash are very competitive, and I had just recently invited Rainbow Dash to join us a time or two to see if she liked it. Applejack merely saw it as a chance to get ahead.

So we danced. We couldn’t do as much as we would have liked, as Applejack is not a flier, but we were able to do plenty.

And then the next day I went to Rarity’s shop to prepare for that bloody farce she basically forced me into.

She had learned her lesson from the last time she had worked with a professional photographer, and had outfits laid out if needed.

Then the photographer arrived, and I have never seen a stranger pony in my life, aside from some of my time in an African port city, looking at some of the nastiest cutie marks I’ve ever had to see. I won’t try to describe her or fake her accent, but she was dressed in some of the strangest clothes… I don’t suppose it’s my place to judge, but I never really was a fan of any of that fashion show crap. I suppose it could be decent entertainment, but I never got it. To each their own, I suppose.

Anyway, the photographer arrived and her agents started setting up. I think at least one of them noticed my blank flank, and the photographer started muttering something about ‘unrivaled potential.’

I was forced into an outfit and told to ‘act natural.’ For me, I suppose that would be false hauteur and heroism with an underlying constant search for possible exits. Anyway, I did so.

They took pictures and then left without a word. Rather impolite, if you ask me, but whatever. Rarity was nervous. I didn’t really care. Sometimes it’s nice to do something you have absolutely no connection to one way or another, so you don’t care if you succeed or fail.

I was told by a somewhat nervous Rarity to stay as a pony for now, and she sent me home.

I had been accosted more than a few times on the way there by some ponies calling me, for some reason, ‘Egill.’ Knowing what harm it could do to show them my lack of a cutie mark to prove I wasn’t this fellow, I just denied their claims and kept walking.

So to avoid that, I decided to fly back instead of walk. While in the air, I almost ran into a hurrying Fluttershy. With nothing else planned for the day, I asked if she needed help.

Her answer was yes. Apparently one of her animal friends had somehow managed to injure itself, and she didn’t know what to expect or what she might need when she got there. So off we went.

As it turns out, my help wasn’t even needed. It was a small critter that got hurt, small enough for her to easily carry by herself. I didn’t know what good I would have been able to do as a pony, but I’ve found in my years here that any time you don’t offer assistance to someone that looks like they need it, you miss out on a possible adventure.

When I left for home then, I realized that, hell, I don’t have hands anymore. So writing would be impossible, reading would be a pain, I was even more useless to Twilight, and I really just didn’t feel like dealing with an increasingly recalcitrant Spike.

The town was unexplorable, as everyone kept mistaking me for Egill, there’s only so much you can do in the air, and I had pretty much explored the entire surrounding area by then and knew about every single landmark around it.

I was kind of tempted to go out into a big open area and start messing with clouds, but I know they all get where they are because they’re put there, and if they’re put somewhere they’re probably there for a reason.

I was also tempted to go flying over the big evil forest conspicuously close to town, but I had helped drag one injured flier out of there already and I wasn’t planning on risking myself like that. I had plenty of times as a human when I was armed, but I didn’t want to take the risk as a pony with nothing but hooves to protect me.

So it was with absolute boredom that I wandered on down to Applejack’s farm to offer any help. I won’t pretend that I’m stronger than Big MacIntosh, but I did have wings. I figured, if nothing else, I could just fly around and watch.

I don’t know much about roofing or repairing stuff, but I was able to help fix up some of Applejack’s old, decrepit farmhouse and barn back when I was a human. That wasn’t the objective of this trip, however; with no hands, operating a hammer and nails would be a bit of a pain.

Of course, since it was December, there wasn’t much in the way of farming going on. All the harvests had been done and all the land was lying fallow. I was just bored out of my mind and hoping for something to do.

Big MacIntosh was the first one I ran into, and he didn’t know who I was, of course. He hadn’t seen me as a pony when I turned into one the first time. I had to tell him about the time we got Rainbow Dash drunk to get him to buy that I was me. You ponies are very trusting, I must say.

Anyway, he hastily assured me there was nothing going on that they needed help with, but offered the hospitality of the farm anyway. Since I didn’t know much about this fellow other than that he has better morals than I, I decided to chill and talk a bit. He’s a pretty cool dude, though somewhat sheltered from being on a farm most of his life.

It didn’t take long for my presence to be noted by other parties, however, and I was soon ambushed by the Three Stooges: Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Big MacIntosh did nothing but laugh as I strove to get away from them. I had been ambushed by them in the past with… unpleasant results, so I did my best to get away.

It didn’t work. When those little demons get a goal in mind, they usually succeed at that goal. And since I didn’t want to risk hurting them, I was hesitant to actually strike back. At least it ended in more of a Mexican standoff this time, as I had a nice little trump card they didn’t know about, but that isn’t really important. I let them think they won and they disentangled themselves from me.

In response to their questions, I lied and told them I was here to offer help and if none was available I had plans to help Pinkie Pie with something.

I had no such plans, but they would probably want me to do something with them if I didn’t have anything else to do, and their ideas of fun often end with me in some manner of either pain or humiliating position.

They were content with that, though perhaps a bit saddened, and wandered off upon hearing the resumption of the conversation I was having with Big Mac. It quickly devolved into my accusations of him collaborating with them, and his hasty and obvious lies of denial. He isn’t as bad at lying as Fluttershy, but he’s not much better. I let him have it, though, since whatever.

After that our topic somehow got to women, and I don’t want to talk about what was said, since there are some women here today. Still, I somewhat have to wonder why everyone comes to me, a member from a different species, about picking up mares.

Anyway, after all the wandering that I had done, it was getting rather close to night. I decided to call it early and head on home.

On day three, I was awoken by a very pleased Rarity. I don’t want to talk about what it entailed, but she was happy because apparently she had heard back from that fashion chick. If we could get Fluttershy to come out of her retirement, we were basically assured a job.

I was very, very tempted at that point to tell Rarity to fuck off and to turn me back human. I am not a fan of fashion, I don’t care for it, and I didn’t want to do this in the first place. She… made me an offer that I could not refuse. Looking at where I’m at now, I’m thinking I should have refused it.

Fluttershy was surprisingly easy to convince. Despite hating her time in modeling, she didn’t seem to mind coming back to it, as long as, in her words, “It’s only temporary, and for helping a friend.”

The news was sent back to that chick and she wasted no time in stealing all three of us away, though I don’t really know why Rarity was invited. We took some pictures in and around town. Since we were both pegasi, we even took some pictures in the clouds. I saw little appeal in most of what they had us do, but the fashion people looked pleased enough so I stuck with it.

That day was killed quickly enough, with all the pictures we had to take. I swear, I think at the end they were out of film and were just faking the noise and flash of the camera. When they were finished, they called it a day and told us to go on home or whatever. Didn’t even see an ounce of gold for it, either…

Anyway, we went our separate ways and went home.

Day four didn’t involve any annoying fashion people at all. It was, however, one of our dance nights, between Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and I. It was different, as a pony, but since I’m awesome I managed well enough. Rainbow Dash came by halfway through it to get involved, and ended up dancing with Pinkie Pie for half the night. It’s all in good fun.

On day five, Rarity and I were summoned to the train station. Fluttershy was not invited. I had a bad feeling, but I went anyway. The unrefusable offer was still in play, after all.

We spent most of that day traveling to various places, with me modeling with various ponies. I was starting to think Rarity had said something to the head fashion chick about her relationship to me, but I make no accusations. She was there, for whatever reason, and her approval was sought for most of what we did.

Day five ended with us in a pretty spiffy hotel, and with me more pissed than ever at being in a pony body. It is a hard feeling to describe, and if you’ve never had your body changed you probably can’t understand. I kept doing things that to a human would be second nature but to a pony would be either impossible or painful. And having to be on four legs was annoying as piss. And I could feel my fingers, in a way, even though I knew they weren’t there. I kept trying to pick things up or touch things, only to feel them slide away against my hard hooves.

But I was promised that this would only last a few more days, and then I could disappear back as a human again.

Day six was pretty much the same as day five, only I spent a lot more time among the wealthy and affluent. The day ended with us chilling in a mansion, where the very familiar mistress of the house tried to seduce me, I think, and when she failed I’m pretty sure she put something in my water that I casually swapped with the fashion chick when no one was looking.

Yeah, when Fleur stopped by my room that night, she was very surprised to see me awake. I pointed her to Photo Finish’s room.

Day seven was pretty similar to the last two, with the exception of me and Rarity getting arrested on the third stop with no explanation. The last day was spent in a rather cold cell, having to cuddle next to Rarity to keep warm.

It was hell.

Rarity was given time to give her spiel after I told my position. It was, for the most part, an overly dramatic and tear-filled version of mine. She didn’t have the dance night, the attempted seduction part, or any of the reluctance.

If I had thought we actually had a chance of being convicted, I would have poked her and told her to stop acting, but I was pretty sure we’d be cleared.

When Rarity finished her testimony, there was relative silence in the court room. I wouldn’t be surprised to turn around to see that most of the ponies attending had fallen asleep.

Celestia picked up her gavel with magic, solemnly intoned “Guilty!” and banged it down.

The only thing in my mind was “Well, shit.” Then we were hustled back into our cell.

“So,” I asked Rarity in one of her moments of lucidity, “what’s the penalty for treason?”

“Life or death, depending on the severity of the treason. What did we even do?”

“No clue. Think you can use your magic to send a message?”

“I’ve tried! This place is walled off against magic. I can cast spells in here, but I can’t send anything out.” So much for getting help from Luna… That also meant no help from the naga, Twilight, any of the cat people that could get here in time to do anything, or any of the surviving ponies that fled Egypt.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

Shortly after Rarity and I had our little talk about the penalties for treason, she spoke up again. At the time, I had my right wing over her back, covering her and holding her against me to keep us both warm. That cell was really cold. I think the guards were doing it on purpose, sadistic bastards.

Rarity said, “I don’t want to die like this...”

Before she could continue, I said, “I don’t want to die at all. Could be worse; at least we aren’t alone.”

“That’s the thing, Nav! They’ll probably separate us if we’re going to be killed soon! And they’ll definitely separate us if we’re to be sentenced to life!”

“Well, that’s going to suck. Maybe we should have tried harder to capture Trixie, then… At least you would have had some company.” After all, Twilight said that summoning those familiar things was illegal, right?

“Capture her? Because of that little contest? Why would that end up with her in prison?” she asked. We never did tell any of them what really happened.

“Well, she turned me into a pony. That kind of sucked.”

“But… being a pony wasn’t all bad, was it?”

I slowly turned my head to her.

“I know what I did was wrong, Nav. And… I’m sorry I did it.”

I rumpled my feathers a bit, and shrugged. “Not like it matters anymore, I suppose. So how did you want to die?”

“I didn’t… But if I had to pick, I would want to die being held by the stallion I love.”

I snorted. “I can’t offer you love, but at least I’m holding you. And at least I’m warm. If they plan to kill us, we can ask that they kill us together. No reason to die alone.” I said that more to comfort her than to comfort myself. Death is death, as far as I’m concerned.

“I know you won’t love me, but…”

“But?”

She hesitated. “Well, we’re either going to die or we’re going to be locked up forever anyway… Would you make love to me, before we’re broken apart?” At the look on my face, she said, “Please, Navarone! I know you don’t exactly think the world of me, but at least give me this last request, this last comfort… For a friend, if for no other reason…”

“You’ll be able to protect yourself from pregnancies in here? I really don’t want to risk anything, not if we’re possibly going to be sentenced to life in prison.”

“I’m not in heat; there’s nothing to worry about. But if it’ll make you feel better…” Her horn glowed for a second, and a light settled inside of her. I smiled darkly, readying myself. “I don’t know if I like the looks of that…” she said, standing up with me and seeing my smile.

“I think you will. Every night for a week I spent in the loving embrace of a cat back in Egypt. I learned quite a bit from her. Even though she gave me as much choice in the matter as you and Pinkie did.” She didn’t say anything, and started to turn. As she was doing so, I started saying, “Of course, that was a cat body. A pony might be a bit different… We’ll see.” That last was said as I was looking at her backside, raised a bit in the air. Ponies, in my very limited experience, don’t know anything about foreplay.

I was going to give Rarity a brief introduction.

I took a second to study her from this new angle. I had seen it before, of course, but I didn’t remember it. I waited for her to say, “Nav, what are you—oooohhh…” I interrupted her question with my tongue. After a few days in a jail cell, she didn’t exactly taste that great, but we were given a steady diet of fruits and vegetables, so she was still sweet enough on the inside. I wasted little time making my way in to check, of course; ponies aren’t quite like humans, and don’t really need that much preparation, but I like to think my efforts were appreciated.

Her moans of pleasure certainly made me think that, at least. And when I found her small clit with my tongue and gave it some nice, special attention, I was rewarded with a gasp, followed by a moan, followed by a weak orgasm.

I pulled my mouth away. “Not even to the main event and you’re already cumming? My, my, you really are a bit of a slut, aren’t you?”

She was too busy gasping for breath to respond. She was trying to form a coherent response when I mounted her.

“Save your breath, my little jailbird. You’re going to need it.”

That was the only warning I gave her before I impaled her. I sighed lightly in pleasure; she was a nice tight fit, despite what I said. Her response was a gasp of surprise. I gently eased out and slowly pushed back in, teasing her.

“After what you did to me those years ago, I’ll admit that I was tempted to just ravish you,” I whispered into her ear as I slowly took her, weakly pushing myself deep inside of her and slowly pulling almost all the way out. “But then I remembered something Kat taught me. I think I’ll have you begging soon enough, my little toy.”

I’ll admit, this was torture on both of us. She was squeezing me perfectly, and my slow movements made sure my dick felt every ripple in her walls. But at the same time, I know I was doing even worse to her. I figured I could keep this pace up for at least fifteen minutes.

After five minutes, Rarity was already showing signs of wanting to give in. I was going so slow that she had plenty of time to catch her breath. And when she did, she started begging, just as I had predicted.

“I know—oooh—that this is so unlady-like,” a low gasp, “but… HARDER!” I didn’t respond, and kept the pace.

After another minute, she tried again. “Nav… Please! It feels so—” a very unlady-like moan cut off whatever she was going to say. I kept going, smiling. It was starting to get to me, and hearing her moans of pleasure didn’t help that much either.

A few minutes later, I realized she was trying to wait me out, thinking I was close to giving in and giving her what she wanted.

I set out to prove her wrong. I kept up the gentle, easy pace, smiling the whole time, and happily listened to her try to stifle her moans and gasps.

After a grueling ten minutes of that, she just gave in completely. She practically wailed at me, “Anything! I’ll give you anything! Just stop torturing me! Please!”

“Anything?” I gently whispered into her ear. She weakly moaned in response.

I quickly picked up the pace. When she started bucking her hips in response, I knew I was where she needed me. It took us a few seconds to match rhythms, but when we did it made the wait worthwhile. God, but Rarity felt wonderful. And the knowledge that we were going to die soon… Well, it gave me incentive to make it last and make it great.

I think Rarity appreciated my efforts. Not a minute after we started going at it in earnest, she came again. I felt the spasms all over my shaft as I ravaged her, and knew I was close to giving in myself.

To prove I was still in control, I managed to hold on until her orgasm was over to cum. When her small aftershocks finally stopped, I thrust in as deep as I could get and filled her as full as I could, leaving my hot seed deep inside. I felt my wings shoot out. For a few seconds, there was only the sound of her gasps and my deep breathing. Then, slowly, I slid my softening stallion-hood out of her. She let out a small sigh of approval.

When I was fully out, her back legs buckled, and she fell on her stomach. I lied at her side and spread my wing back over her. The only sign we had moved from when we started was the small stain leaking from her pussy, dribbling to the floor.

“Navarone,” she finally gasped, “you’re evil…”

“I figured you would approve.”

“That was…” she stopped.

I tried finishing for her, “Worth being your last time?”

She nuzzled me weakly and smiled. “Not quite how I was going to put it, but if I died now I don’t know that I would mind…” At least that’s one of us.

“Now, about that anything you promised me…”

“Oh come on, Nav! That was under duress and you know it!”

“If we survive and somehow get out of this, no more fashion for me.”

“If what we have to look forward to is a cell block, I think I agree, actually.” There was a lull in the conversation, when she asked, “What was that thing you did, when we first started?”

I explained foreplay to her. When I finished, she said, “That sounds so… crude! But it felt so, soo good! Is there something similar that mares can do to stallions?”

“Yes. There were whole books written on the subject back in my world. There are all manner of positions, including some where both parties can stimulate each other at the same time.”

“How… how does it work?” she weakly asked.

“I would offer to show you, but I’m going to need a bit of recharge time.”

She rolled her eyes and muttered something that sounded like ‘Stallions!’ Her horn glowed briefly, and then she lightly touched me with it. “Better?” she asked.

I most definitely was feeling better.

I stretched a bit, and said, “Before we get started… um, clean yourself out a bit.”

“Wha—oh.” She looked and saw that she was still leaking. “This is all your fault, you know!”

“Yes, it is my fault that your last request was sex. Well, second-to-last.” I looked away while she did… something… to mostly clean herself up. I had to think of something to get me hard again anyway; ponies have nothing for me.

“Ready?” she finally asked. I turned to look at her. Despite the few days in a grimy jail cell, her purple mane still practically shined in the weak light, and still retained its basic shape. Her eyes were lit up a bit, despite the circumstances. Her determination touched me. I nodded.

“So how is this going to work?” she asked. I lied down on my back, fully exhibiting my shaft.

“I hope you don’t have much of a gag reflex,” I said. “Lay down on my chest, so we’re angled opposite ways.”

“…what?” she finally asked, looking at me like a retard.

I sighed. “Put your head,” I pointed at her head, “to my head,” I pointed at the tip of my dick.

She giggled slightly. “Well, I’m glad you never said you were a gentle-colt…” she said, and then did as I said.

“So do I just sort of… lick it?” she asked, when she got settled on top of me.

“If you were a human, you would open wide and suck it, lick it, and all manner of other things. I don’t know how wide you can open your mouth, though, and it’s—” My breath caught. Apparently, she can open her mouth wider than I thought.

She only took the first few inches, at the start; I don’t imagine she was used to having anything like that in her. Either way, I wasn’t complaining. At least, not until… “Hey, no teeth!” I yelled, and shuddered. She grunted by way of apology, and continued.

I took a look at what was in front of me, and figured I could return the favor. One good thing about this pony body was that my head had quite a bit of maneuverability. Despite Rarity being several inches smaller than me, I was able to dip my head in close enough to get my tongue at her pussy. As soon as I dipped my tongue in her honeypot, she answered with a deep moan that I felt all along my shaft.

She was hardly a pro, but she took to the job with relish. I answered her efforts with my own private battle. We went back and forth like that for a good while. I viciously attacked her clit, and she did her best to deep throat me, without even knowing the term for it. My efforts were eventually rewarded with her gently squirting in my face.

I smiled and slowly lapped the liquids off her and my face, and then continued on. I was getting close, but still had a small ways to go…

Not a minute after that thought hit me, Rarity did… something… with her tongue. I lost it immediately and came fully in her mouth. She gave a grunt of surprise, and I imagine she widened her eyes. She took it like a champ, though: Swallowed every drop, and tried to suck more out of me. With all the fruits I had been eating over the past few days, I imagined my cum was pretty sweet tasting.

Eventually, I gently eased myself out of her, and lifted her off my chest. “That’s enough, Rarity. I’m spent.”

She huffed, but said, “Is that anything like how your human girls do it?”

“Rarity… are you jealous?” That would be quite a tale to tell back home. A girl that got mad because she didn’t know how to give a blowjob.

She quickly answered, “No! Of course not.” After seeing my look, though, she said, “Well, it just doesn’t seem fair to me! Why would you humans come up with something like this while we had no idea?”

“Because humans often use sex to relieve stress and have fun and other things like that. And it’s somewhat stigmatized, so we have to come up with ways to do it quickly, or hide it or something like that. So we have all kinds of methods for it.” We lay back down in our original positions. Sex was a great way to warm the blood, but it was still very cold in there.

“It’s a shame we’re going to be separated soon, then… If we somehow get out, and this all ended up as the result of a mistake… Would you be willing to show me more?”

I looked at her, looking at me with her wide blue eyes, a gentle sparkle in them betraying her nervous hope. “If we survive, and you still want it, I’ll show you some.”

Of course, I didn’t get to keep that promise.

(Sex is over)

After making us cool our heels—or hooves, in this case—for a day, Celestia came by the cell to deliver our sentence. I didn’t know at the time why she did it there instead of in the court, but at the time I also didn’t care.

When she walked in, I greeted her: “Howdy, Big C! I don’t suppose you’re here to change your mind?”

“That’s a rather irreverent way to greet somepony who holds your fate,” she answered, glaring down at me.

“Well,” I answered, “you already know that if you sentence me to life in prison, I’ll kill myself. If you sentence me to exile as a pony, I’ll kill myself. If you sentence me to death, then I might kill myself just to spite you.

“And if I make sure you have no ways of killing yourself in your cell?”

“You should never underestimate the human mind when it comes to planning violence. I will find a way to die, if it comes to that.”

“That’s a shame. I came here to sentence you to life.”

Rarity started whimpering and crying. I replied, “You monster!”

“You finished?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah, I’m good. What kind of life?”

“Whatever kind of life you’ll make for yourselves. You’re free to go. I don’t even know why you were arrested. Probably some archaic law invoked by that noblewoman you spurned. I only pronounced you guilty to see what would happen. I’ve never been able to do that before!”

“Cool, when can we leave?”

Rarity, however, was not at all cool with it. “You… WHAT! What kind of immortal princess are you?”

“The kind that gets bored a lot,” I answered for her. “Duh. Let’s go, Rarity. And no more fashion stuff for me.”

It wasn’t as simple as that, though. Rarity was in full blown psycho mode. Celestia ended up silencing her with magic and I led her away. It was kind of funny.

But I knew it would be a bad idea to let her know Celestia was like that. When we got them apart, I said to Celestia, “We should probably find a way to make her forget this trial and arrest happened. And we should also probably find me some clothes and turn me human again, but that can wait until I get home, I guess.”

“I agree about making her forget. Some ponies just can’t handle having a leader that gets bored sometimes. One day I’ll have to tell you about the time I spent a year disguised as a chair, just to see what would happen when I disappeared for so long.”

Oh man, the wrong sister fell in love with me… “Celestia, you’re awesome.”

Celestia used her magic to put a still fuming Rarity to sleep, and made her forget the past few days. Then she put us on the train and sent us back to Ponyville. I suppose it was an interesting way to spend a week and a half.

When we got back, I poked Rarity until she woke up, managed to convince her she was too stressed if she didn’t remember those days, told her not to worry about it, walked her back to her home, and then got myself turned back into a human.

When asked by Twilight how it was, I just said, “Never again.” To both being a pony and the fashion industry, I was hoping; I was tired of both, and this was the longest time I had spent in that form yet. If that fashion chick came back around here trying to find my pony body, I had plans to hole up on a cloud with my crossbow and dare her to come and get me.

I was tempted to brag to Spike about my temporary closeness with Rarity, but she didn’t remember and he was being dickish enough as it was. Seriously, I needed to go into the forest soon to kill something for us both. It was only my previous experience trying to hunt in there that stopped me. Well, that and the risk of killing one of Fluttershy’s friends.

Not much really happened from that point until during Winter Wrap Up, and I only include this because I feel it is sadly necessary.

Yes, reader, I write about the time I finally got caught in the magic of the song.

Now, I had seen several of these songs happen in the past. The first year’s Winter Wrap Up, on the boats to and from Africa, a bunch of Pinkie Pie’s songs that she seems to make up and practice all the time, and when we got all the ponies in Ponyville trashed—though I don’t remember that one either.

Anyway, I was in my second Winter Wrap Up, on my third year in Ponyland, when I got caught in the damn singing magic. I was the first one, you see, so I didn’t have time to build up any resistance to it.

Basically, as soon as I stepped outside Twilight’s house, I was punched in the face by the song magic. There’s not any other way I could really describe it. I know my voice sounded considerably better than it was supposed to, and it fit perfectly with what everyone else was singing, but I was definitely the first one to start it.

Dude, I don’t even want to talk about what it was we sang about. I will say, though, that it was a lot darker than the usual pony songs, but not necessarily in a bad way. It gave hints at the Luna situation, the Kat situation, and my time as Egill, but no specifics. I have no idea how the ponies managed to keep up or how any of it fit together, but I guess that’s magic for you. It was also fitting for winter, though maybe not for a day that was supposed to be happy.

It did end on a very pleasant note, however, with Fluttershy popping in about a better tomorrow and a coming spring. I find myself hoping as I write this that the message imparted there would be true, and that the going would get easier. But I never did believe in storybook endings.

If nothing else, I was hoping I wouldn’t run into any more psycho women.

Oh, and a side note, in case anyone reading this is wondering: Whenever you get caught up in the song magic, none of the ponies will ever hold anything you sing about against you. It is mostly uncontrollable and it’s impossible to determine who might be the next victim, so there’s the unofficial rule that anything sung about will never be asked about or brought up. Not like anyone is reading this, though.

The rest of Winter Wrap Up was pretty chill. I helped Fluttershy again, since that was pretty much all I knew. The animals were getting used to me anyway.