As the pain of being shattered recedes, I slowly open my eyes. I see nothing, I see everything.

And then, it is all but forgotten, and in front of me, I see what appears to be a screen.

It is not attached to anything in particular. I am not sure why that strikes me as a particularly meaningful distinction when floating in an endless expanse of blackness. Though if I look here and there, that seems less and less an apt description.

As my eyes adjust, I notice that the ephemeral blackness surrounding this strange place is dotted with tiny lights. No. Not tiny, simply impossibly far away. Distant and as innumerable as the chain of bad decisions that brought me here. Where is here? What were those choices?

Excellent questions.

As for the first, I have no clue. Gonna have to get back to you on that.

As for the second, I have slightly more of an inkling, but now is not the time to dwell on it. For now let’s just say got hit by a bus and leave it at that. No I wasn’t pushed, I was just stupid. In retrospect the five dollar bill was not worth it.

Anyway! Leaving it at that, just gonna put that behind me.

My freshly minted Darwin Award aside, that does bring up a concerning point. I am dead, as much as I would like not to be. At least I’m fairly sure I am. I might entertain the idea that I could still be in a hospital bed somewhere with my physical form fighting for its life if that bus had not obliterated my torso into a fine mist doing ninety in a school zone.

So if I am dead, that means that this screen must be somehow important. Huh, really knocking it out of the park today with the banger deductions today.

[Confirmed. User 19********99 is currently registered as: Deceased and undergoing Processing. Progress: 0%, requires additional user input.]

Oh shit, it responded. Looks like a text display, seems to give a voice readout too for whatever reason.That makes things a lot easier, considering when I jumped just now I realized I lacked arms with which to flinch, or a physical body of any kind. It also seems to be going off of my thoughts rather than speech, though I suppose being incorporal the distinction is pretty moot in this setting.

Okay, so I am not (at least numerically) the first user of this…whatever it is. Interesting. Speaking of, what exactly is it? What does it do?
[Response to Query #1: User User 19********99 is currently being served by Trans-Planar Quintessential Reprocessor Unit #0413. Manufactured at Site ******* by North Central Postronics, A Subsidiary of the Sombra Corporation, based in Plane 19, Subplane 99. ]

[Response to Query #2: The primary function of the Unit is the extraction of data, analysis and distribution of liberated Quintessentia to new planes as is most efficient, dictated by previously mentioned analysis driven by the extracted data and permuted through algorithmic processes to determine the most efficient assignment during standard operation. (Information on upgrading From the Standard Reassignment Package to Specialty or Luxury Reassignment Packages available on request.) The Quintessentia is then relocated to the assigned plane and integrated into a new physical form.]

Ah! I get it…sort of? I think I do at least. This is some form of automated process through which dead beings are reincarnated to new worlds based on their experiences. I suppose that means I am going to be sent on my way any minute now, right?

[Negative. See previous: Processing progress: 0%, requires additional user input. Due to an Administrator level command after manual review of the User’s data, this User Qualifies for complimentary upgrade from the Standard Reassignment Program to the Silver Tier Custom Reassignment package. Grounds for Upgrade: Undisclosed. Conditions: “Don’t worry about it.” . ]

WELP. That certainly doesn’t raise any alarm bells. I’m honestly sort of curious as to who exactly took such a shining to me, especially after they’ve gone over all of my data, especially since I’m pretty sure that would include my internet search history. No amount of incognito mode is scrubbing that shit.

[Response to Query #3: the credentials used for this upgrade request belong to Administrator 02, Callsign: Los’]

Huh. Alright, gonna have to remember that name. Maybe thank them if and when i make another trip if I can figure out where the customer service booth is around here…

But I mean, I don’t really know what the difference between packages is to begin with. What exactly am I getting here?

[Response to Query #4: User 19********99 has received the option of selecting the Silver Tier Custom Reassignment Package. While the previous rung of the Bronze Tier Custom Reassignment Package only allows for the selection of a native entity within the desired plane for reassignment, the Silver Tier Custom Reassignment Package Allows for a Carte Blanche Application of seven general parameter augmentations, granted as effectively as possible and, maintaining the intent of the User to the most applicable, feasible degree. If you would like information on upgrading to the Gold Tier Reassignment Package for your next reassignment, which includes perks such as total physical form customization and default past iteration data retention, and one random Platinum Tier special trait, please indicate interest before continuing to make your requests.]

Hmmmm…so I get to make seven requests about my…reassignment, and at least according to what I am being told, I will not be afflicted by the monkey’s paw. Alright then. Well, let’s start simple. First and most obvious choice. I would like to go wherever it is I end up going with having a full recollection of who I am. And preferably, I would like to skip the whole growing up thing. Childhood is great and all, but I don’t think I could do it again while having the mind of a grown ass adult. Plus…puberty, especially potentially as something aside from a human. Yeah, no thanks. Set me in the equivalent of my early twenties please.

[Parameter #1 set: Users’ previous iteration data will be retained on reassignment completion.

Advisory: This augmentation may create difficulty with integration into some Planes, and may endanger User upon exposure to certain psionic or supernatural entities capable of reading thoughts and memories.

Advisory: This Augment may endanger the user if revealed to the native inhabitants of certain Planes.]

[Parameter #2 set: Users' physical form will manifest as a young adult equivalent.

Advisory: This parameter augmentation does not provide accompanying accouterments to facilitate integration at adult age such as identification materials, anachronistic memory augmentation, or existing familial ties. These features may be added with additional parameter augmentations. Consider upgrading to our Platinum Tier Reassignment Package next time for access to these features by default with a no-birth parameter reassignment, and many more!]

Well damn, alright then. Not sure how you would go about earning that sort of thing and frankly I don’t think I want to. Gonna let that lie for now. Alright now, that’s two down, five to go. Now for one thing, speaking of supernatural entities I have always kinda wanted to learn how to do magic. Might as well spring for it if I have the choice. I know that'll probably put me square in sight of breaching that advisory, but you win some you lose some. Set me up with some magic stuff, strange computer voice. And make sure I can get really good at it if I wanna. I don’t need the power upfront, the learning is the bit I’m excited about to be honest. I want to learn as much as can be learned!

[Parameter #3 set: The User will be granted a native physical form capable of performing supernatural feats. Level of initial ability set to the average of an absolute beginner, developmental potential set to threshold of feasible causality with other augmented parameters active.

Advisory: without additional augments, this limits’ the Users’ possible reassignment parameters to Planes which both support the existence of supernatural phenomena and native entities with the ability to manifest them.

Advisory: A high level of potential in this ability may draw the attention of powerful entities in most Planes which meet the current parameters, risk is aggravated by selected parameter augmentation #1. Caution advised]

Alright cool. Was kind of expecting something like that. On the upside, if I get gud, I might have a bright future ahead of me as like, a court wizard or something cool like that. Magical settings usually have court wizards right? Anyway, moving on! Anyway, better hedge my bets a bit here. I'd like to live in relatively peaceful times wherever I go. It doesn’t have to be placid or anything. If anything, I would prefer a bit of excitement, some challenges to overcome and that sort of thing. Go ahead and fuck me up a little, put me down for living in interesting times. Just not uh…too interesting, ya get me computer lady?

[Parameter #4 set: Time, place and circumstances of the Plane upon User’s arrival will provide a moderately above average number of challenges to be overcome, not exceeding a degree copacetic with the User’s preferences.

Advisory: Augmentation will increase likelihood of fatality before natural expiration by an amount between .5 and 10 micromorts per day, average likelihood of death generated by living one day at target age is 1 micromort. This statistic is exacerbated to an additional uncalculated degree by factors generated as a result of your specified parameters, namely {REDACTED FOR USER SAFETY}. Please note that North Central Postronics is not responsible for and does not offer refunds in the event of death via-]

Okay, gonna tune that out. I don’t really need a list of all the ways I could die, knowing it’s something to look out for is enough…damn that bitch is spittin. Anyway.

Now that we have all of the key stuff down, what do I want? I could shoot my shot to ask to go into like, a comic book setting or something, assuming that’s an option. If it isn’t it would probably still deposit me in the closest place that fit the bill…but to be honest, I think I'd rather wait and see what I get for the exact destination. I'd rather not get caught in 4k by some mind reader being a full on isekai degenerate.

I am perfectly fine however, with the possibility of being caught being shallow. I would like to be a good bit taller than whatever the average is, please, and at least as attractive as I was before, and I can leave exactly how tall attractive from there set to random.

[Parameter #5 set: Users’ new physical form will range anywhere from the 30th-1st percentile for height and 45th-1st percentile for physical attractiveness for species or variety of said physical form.]

Hm, no advisory on that one. I guess I’m not too surprised. A lot of the worst parts of being attractive are usually self-inflicted. At least in my opinion, which probably doesn’t count for much. Speaking of which, forty percent? Ouch man. I mean, better than average I guess but still.

Alright, now a big question…should I try to make sure whatever I end up as is at least vaguely humanoid? I mean, it’ll probably be a bitch adjusting to a new body as an adult either way, but something wildly different from what I am used to won’t make it any easier. Then again, I went with wait and see for the destination, might as well keep that energy going. This is meant to cater to me to some degree apparently, so I’m sure whatever I end up as won’t be too much of a problem to adjust to. And if it is, well…that sounds like a skill issue on my part honestly.

Alright, I have two of these things left. Hmmm…well, I suppose I would prefer to end up somewhere where the values of the population are at least somewhat approximate to the ones I already possess. Not that I have any issue with trying to integrate into different cultures or anything. But If I’m spawning in as an adult, having at least an approximate idea of what is going on could be the difference between a successful good first impression and getting my ass kicked. It doesn’t need to be an exact match, just close enough that engaging in what I would consider normal behavior won’t result in my pending incarceration or execution.

[Parameter #6 set: user will be assigned to a Plane or area within with an approximate cultural similarity variance not exceeding 30 percent, with the potential for incarceration, or other punitive measures as a direct result of said variance minimized to the greatest degree permitted by existing augmented parameters.

Advisory: while the parameter desired by the User has been executed with the minimum possible chance of harm, incarceration or lethality, some risk does still exist, and may increase or decrease depending on the final destination as determined by assignment. Caution is advised.]

Alright, fair enough. I am kinda asking for a bit much at this point to be honest. Let’s try not to make things too complicated here with the last one. Hmmm….oh well, I think the thing I want most at the end of the day is…to know what it is I am meant to be doing, and to enjoy doing it, I suppose?. I don’t need to know right away, part of the fun is finding it, but knowing that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel would certainly be nice.

[Parameter #7 set: User will be assigned to a plane which gives a maximized likelihood of the User attaining extreme job satisfaction and/or obtaining employment in the field of work most well suited to the user based on available personality data within a timeframe of no more than three years, within the bounds of the preceding parameters.]

[All parameters have been provided, if the User would like to make any modifications before final selection, please do so now, if not, please wait and assignment will commence in thirty seconds.]

Alright, there we go. I’ve done everything I feel comfortable doing here, and I get a sneaking feeling that asking too many questions here would uh…degrade the experience, if i really wanna know i guess i can ask the next go round. Huh, kind of a dark thought to be considering coming back here already, considering.

Eh, no worries. I’m sure that won’t be for a while. At least, I’m hoping that is the case. There’s always the chance i royally fuck it up. Doesn’t do me any good to think like that right now though. Might as well face the future with a good attitu-oh well would you look at that that is a very bright light.

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