“Listen up, cake-babies! A robot army is coming to kill us! Lucky for you peach pies, I always knew this day would come – and I have been preparing for it! I have studied robots for years! I once stared at a toaster for three months to get into the minds of these monsters! And there are three things I know for sure. They are smarter than us! They are stronger than us! And they can make toast.”

“But if there is one thing we can do that these machines cannot, it is this: we can lie! We will lie to them on the beaches! We will lie to them in the beach parking lot! We may even lie to them on non-beach-related property! About the quality of our munitions! About the strength of our will! We will even lie about lying! That is how deep this rabbit hole goes! But the most important lie we will tell is this: Where the Mann Co. facilities are!”

“These rusty bags of cans have been programmed to attack all things Mann Co.! That is why we are here today, in front of this perfectly normal Mann Co. facility! But look closer! It is not an actual Mann Co. facility. I made it myself, using nothing but sweat and deception and lie-paint! We will lure the robots to this house of lies, and we will destroy them with our very real weapons and whatever it is the Scout does!”

“Now we are in a  predicament me, there are 12 of us in all…well 11 and a half if you believe the scout is truly , sorry squirt, NOT A MAN! It is our duty to defend this spot and kill as many of them as possible! SHUSH NOW MAGGOT! I don’t know if someone had taught the robots how to lie, but I know for sure they if you are a robot and you lie you little purple sack of pony you will be COURT MARSHALLED! MEN WE HAVE LIMITED TIME, TIME FOR THE BATTLE PLAN!”

“What’s your name now maggot? Twilight Sparkle? What did you do now? You help your friends with magic? You saved your town with this magic? You know how to make a magnetic force field with MAGIC!? YOUNG LADY MAGIC IS NOT IN MY DICTIONARY, AND I USE THE MOST AMERICAN DICTIONARY IN THE HISTORY OF DICTIONARY, WRITTEN BY GEORGE WASHINGTON HIMSELF USING THE BLOOD OF KING GEORGE THE THIRD! You might be magic, and I might be wrong, but for now I will give you the AMERICAN way to fight, here is a sniper rifle! There are many like it, but I only have one…SO CHERISH IT!”

“While studying the toaster for 3 months straight, I learned something very important. Toasters are made of something called metal! And metal is strong! But if you stick, let’s say…a fork in a toaster, what happens? The toaster becomes the toast! What did you say? There is fault in my statement? Well let’s see, here is what I call a Sapper, take this ski mask and this knife and go nuts on those robot commies! What did you call this thousand dollar weapon of war? METAL!? YOUNG LADY YOU WILL BACKSTAB THESE ROBOTS LIKE ANY PROFESSIONAL SPY AND YOU WILL SAP THEM, END OF STORY! I am counting on you madame Marshmellow! Good luck!”

“Well you look like a true hard working American! What do you do for a living mam!? Apples, you say? The most American fruit of all, perfect. You seem to have a knack for fruit, so my friend here will teach you how to make machine guns! What was your GPA? You don’t know what a GPA is? GOOD, neither do I, you will do just fine!”

“What is your profession you pathetic sack of pink fur!? Baker? I am very well-educated, thus I know bakers must bake! Know what is normally used with baking? FIRE, I want you to roast those blood-crazed robots like a true American! Be a true patriot and burn there metal with this deadly weapon! A protective suit you say? NEGATIVE! A party you say? NEGATIVE! A party after a victory you say? POSSIBLE!"

“I couldn’t help but notice you have wings hon! You must be pretty damn fast! Faster than any scout from BOSTON!? I want you to be our recon expert! I do not want you to only recon, or only be an expert though! I WANT YOU TO BE OUR FASTEST UNIT, ILL CALL YOU THE SCOUT! What did you say twinkle toes? Fine, young man, we will call you The Scout VERSION 2! What is that you say? You have terrible depth perception! HA! Depth perception is only for cowards, commies, AND THE FRENCH! YOU WILL DO AS ORDERED AND AS ORDERED! ARE THERE NO QUESTIONS!? GOOD!"

“YOU DO WHAT FOR A LIVING!? I know you are a cuddly cute little pony, but only sissies take care of cute little woodland creatures for a living! Medicine you say? We only need 1 medic on this team, and he is right there! I am good at telling faces and I can tell you are a tad weak, and a tad timid- BUT THAT WILL NOT STOP YOU FROM HOLDING THIS 400 POUND MINIGUN! YOU DON’T WANT TO HURT PEOPLE!? Good, because robots aren’t people! Now take this, and do your job private peachy fruit! I know peach pies with more fight then you! I KNOW TOASERS WITH MORE PEACH PIE THEN YOUR FIGHT! I am not making sense you say? Well I truly believe I am speaking in the right manner, perhaps you should learn to speak like a human! WHAT IS THAT!? YOU WOULD PREFER TO JUST SIT THIS OUT, IF YOU ASK THAT AGAIN I WILL TIE YOU TO A STAKE AND LEAVE YOU OUT TO DRY MADAM! THAT IS AN ORDER; KILL THE ROBOTS LIKE A MAN! YOU’RE NOT A MAN!? WELL NOW YOU ARE!”

“Gentlemen, our newfound friends will handle themselves; we must fight like the men we are! Any questions MAGGOTS!?”

Fluttershy raised her hand “Do I really need to carry this?”

“YES YOU DO!”

“Disssssssmissed!”

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