Unpleasant Correspondence 2 (My Little Pony: Reign of the Goddess-Queens)

by StormLuna

First published 20th of November, 2019

Everything has come full circle and now it is Twilight who sends her protege to Ponyville. Needless to say, Luster isn't one bit happy about it.

Everything has come full circle and now it is Twilight who sends her protege to Ponyville. Needless to say, Luster isn't one bit happy about it. To make matters worse, Starlight's protege is made Vice-head mare of the School of Friendship and that only makes Luster angrier. Some of the story chapters will be much more adult themed.

Warning: Story includes incredibly crude language and adult themes that may be offensive to some....you've been warned!

Getting the Students In (S1 E1)

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

We are writing to let you know that we have a daughter who is great with magic, her name is Luster Dawn. She has accomplished some rather great feats such as teleportation and transfiguration spells. We know your standards are likely very high but we know that our daughter will exceed them and likely be more than good enough to become your protege. If you would let her apply let us know, she is really excited to not only get into your school but become your protege.

Sincerely,

Money Bags and Purse Strings

Dear Money Bags and Purse Strings,

Well I do want to let you know that I don't just let anypony into my school. You will have to bring Luster by the palace and we can get an exam scheduled for her. Now you must realize that the judges will judge her performance very professionally and if they think that she would be nothing but a disappointment, she won't even get in, much less become my protege. Get her up here in the next 24 hours and her chances of being accepted will be much higher.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

From what we understand you have opened up your own magic school and we would like to see if our daughter, Bright Beam, could apply. She has accomplished some pretty amazing feats. She can levitate very heavy objects, she can teleport outside of our house, she can do transfiguration spells and she can even fly with just her magic. Let us know if you're taking applications for new students. Our daughter is hoping that she can be given this wonderful opportunity.

Sincerely,

Stone Mason and Marigold Dreams

Dear Stone Mason and Marigold Dreams,

You bet I'm accepting new applicants for my school. Bring Bright Beam over to the palace within the next 72 hours and I will be able to oversee the entrance exam myself. It sounds like she has amazing magic and I do look forward to meeting the three of you. See you soon.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

P.S. If your daughter passes her test and gets into my school, feel free to just call me Starlight.

ONE WEEK LATER

Dear Stone Mason and Marigold Dreams,

Thank you for having your daughter apply to my school and after seeing everything she can do, not only have I decided to let her into my school but I have decided that she shall be my protege. She has a ton of power and I think studying close to me that she will be able to do even better. I know that when my mother would take students in, they normally had a lot of raw power and required focused study but Bright Beam already seems to have focus. I think that with her going to be studying under me, that she could very easily reach mage power levels.

I am also very impressed with how respectful she was. The few students I have taken in so far have been respectful but Bright Beam seemed even more so. I will say this, it is obvious that you two have done a good job raising her and I do ask you of one favor. I think that once she moves into the palace, that it would be good if you were to drop by and visit her every now and then. A filly should always have her folks visiting her every so often, always!

Anyway, it would be great if you could get her moved into the students' quarters in one week. She will be staying there until she gets a bit older and then will have her own special place where she can study without interruption. See you three soon! Oh and you can just call me Starlight now.

Sincerely,

Starlight

Dear Money Bags and Purse Strings

Well I received the results from your daughter's entrance exam and she did pass. Right now I am also in need of a protege and she did well enough that I am willing to take her in. Bring her over by the school in two weeks time and she can not only get to know me but also get acquainted with the layout of the castle. Now I do have one issue that will have to be addressed, her attitude.

During the exam, the judges told me that she seemed to have this "the world owes me everything" attitude. Now I will let you know something. My mother had proteges that were like that and in the end she eventually dropped them because she did not put up with disrespectful proteges, ever. I am in the same mindset, if a student or protege does not show me respect or be happy that I am giving them a huge opportunity, their time here will be limited.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and tell your daughter that she will need to be formal with me. I just have this feeling that she will not address me using my whole title. Students are only allowed to call me Twilight once they have shown that they appreciate the opportunity that I give them.

Author's Notes:

This is Bright Beam

Relocations (S1 E2)

Five years after becoming Starlight's protege.

Dear Bright Beam,

I am writing you to first tell you how incredibly proud of you I am. Your magical talent had increased by a ton since you first came here. To be honest, your powers almost match my mother's and she is a natural born Alicorn! It is quite obvious that you are destined for greatness. I am also impressed with how well you get along with your schoolmates. The mares you study with the most have always told me about how helpful you are when you aid them in studying. Now I know I probably shouldn't be telling you this but they have also said that they enjoy the "sexy times" that the six of you have.

Now I am going to tell you something else, something that could change your life dramatically. You have done such a good job in both magic and friendship that I have decided to offer you a huge opportunity. You see, I recently had to fire the vice-schoolmaster down at the School of Friendship in Ponyville and I believe that you will be perfect for the job. You could aid the unicorns in their magic study and you can help the students in developing and maintaining friendships as well. Let me know what you think.

Sincerely,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

OMG! You bet I'll take the opportunity you're giving me! I am so thankful for everything you have done for me over the past five years, helping me grow the way I have and I am even happier now. Thank you so much for this opportunity and I promise you that I won't let you down, I'll hopefully be the best vice-head mare ever!

Thankful,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

That sounds great. Come Monday, I will help you gather your possessions and we will get you moved in down there. For right now you will be residing in the former vice-schoolmater's quarters until we can get you something better. For now, go ahead and take some time to relax. Being the vice-head mare will take some work but I know you'll make me proud.

Sincerely,

Starlight

Six years after becoming Twilight's protege

Dear Luster Dawn,

Alright Luster, I have an assignment for you. As you know the "Festival of the Two Goddess-Queens" is coming up soon and this year the location of the festival will be Ponyville. I want you to go down there and set it up. Now don't worry, I will be sending Spike with you to make sure you don't fuck anything up. Faust knows what the hell would happen if I was to trust you to do something on your own.

Oh and I do have another task for you to complete, make some friends! You see, in the six years you have been my protege, you have only ever hung around the students you have to study with and they do complain that you tend to struggle during the "special study sessions" that you all have. It is no wonder you never befriended them. If you would just be a good girl and put out for those you should have befriended, maybe I wouldn't be sending you to do something so menial. Now you and Spike get your asses to the train station and to Ponyville, ASAP.

Having No Faith in You (At all),

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twibitch,

What the fuck? You honestly think that I can't do this on my own? What happened, did Spike piss you off or something? You know that Spike doesn't like me any more than you do. What I would like to know is why the fuck you think I can't do it on my own. Also, why the hell is it you want me to make friends so badly? Don't you remember how I said that making friends was a waste of time since they probably won't last forever?

Look at how your friendships fell apart. Hell you gave two of your friends away to those other friends of yours just so they'd have sex slaves and domestic servants. Apparently some friendships last while others don't and I figure that if they all don't last, then they aren't worth pursuing to start with.

Now I will go and set this stupid glorification ceremony up but then I'm heading home and getting back to my studies. I don't feel like having to spend any more time in a backwater shithole than is absolutely necessary. Well I suppose I will see you and Starbitch sucking face down there in Ponyville when you get there.

Hating Your Guts,

Luster Dawn

Luster,

How many times have I told you that you are to address me as Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle. Now let me make myself clear, I have decided that because of your disrespect, upon finishing setting this festival up you will remain in Ponyville until I decide to allow you to come home. Tell you what, I'll even let your precious little ass live in my old castle down there. The bed is still there and I found it quite comfy so you should be perfectly content. Now yeah, there aren't any books in what was the library in there but I suppose I can get some in there for you.

Now like i said, get your ass down there, set up my festival and make some friends!

Ordering You to Stay,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Thorax and Pharynx,

Ok, I need to ask you guys of a favor. I need a changeling to go to Ponyville and crash the festival that will be held for my sister and I in a couple of days. You see, I have sent my arrogant protege down there and I want to see if she is capable of keeping things running smoothly under pressure. Let me know if somechangeling can do it.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Now my sister has a protege of her own, a pastel green unicorn mare with a silver mane and tail. I know that she will likely be there and when she comes out, land in front of her. You see, she knows enough about changelings that she will know you aren't a monster. Start having a casual conversation with her and then turn into your natural form. Think of doing that as a favor to Starlight since you two know one another....doing this would be much appreciated.

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight,

I can go up there and turn into this big purple and black insect looking thing. If you want to know more about what I will look like, talk to Starlight since she has seen me in that form. Trust me though, if you're looking to give this protege a test, I'll give it to her.

Looking Forward to Testing Your Protege,

Pharynx

P.S. Consider it done regarding Starlight's protege. I don't know what's going on but it sounds like you really hate your protege and want to make her look awful. If you want me to knock her down a peg or two, I'll help out with that!

Festival of the Two Goddess-Queens (S1 E3)

Dear Luster Dawn,

You have once again failed me. I send you down there to set up a festival for my sister and I yet you fuck up big time. I also told you to make some friends and all you did was try to seduce that one pegasus who is into rabbits. I put a lot of faith in you but you allow some giant bug thing to attack the town during the ceremony and do some damage to a few houses. I should have known better than to send you down there to take care of this and to make matters worse, it is my sister's protege who went and calmed that monster down. It is pretty bad that my sister's protege has to do what was part of your duties. She got the festival back on track while all you did was throw a fit and make me look bad.

You know what, I already said that I would make you stay down there but now I mean it. Screwing up like this is unacceptable and for the time being, I don't feel like having to deal with you face to face. When I feel like having to deal with you on a daily basis again, I will let you come home. For now though, you will be living in my old castle and you will make some friends here. Hell try to befriend that one that likes the rabbits so much. She reminds me of one that I spent over five years trying to initiate into my circle of friends. Now I highly doubt it but maybe if you throw yourself out to her and offer to clean up her animals' shit, maybe she'll put out for you.

Now I must cut this short because Starlight and I are having a freshly baked cake delivered to us in bed. Don't have too much fun down there Luster!

Disappointed in You,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I would like to know where Spike was. I thought he would be out helping you like he always helped me. Now listen and listen carefully, in the future you need to have him out helping you so you don't fuck anything up.

Dear Twibitch,

How the fuck was I supposed to know that some sort of monster was going to come in and crash the party? You sit there and act like I have the gift of foresight but I don't. To make matters worse, Starlight's fucking little angel goes and just talks to the damn thing and suddenly it transforms into a changeling. I also saw how Bright Beam, Starlight and that changeling were having a casual conversation and sharing a few laughs. If I didn't know better I would think that you probably set this up. I know for a fact that Starlight is friends with the changelings and all of you probably concocted some sort of plan to make me look like a fool and make her precious little ass kissing protege look good.

I suppose I should thank you for letting me live in your old castle but right now I can't bring myself to do anything other than curse your fucking name. Now tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to make friends with a bunch of inbred hicks who lack the intelligence to be in my presence? Outside of that pegasus that loves rabbits, none of them are worthy of having my friendship. Mark my words though, Bunny Girl's pussy will meet my horn before too long and then I will at least have one friend. Just leave me alone for now, I don't want to have to correspond with you any further.

Oh and regarding Spike, he was being a little asshole. He told me that he had to come along to make sure I did everything right so I grounded him and kept him confined to the castle. He should know that he is my slave and does what I say, not challenge my authority.

Hating Your Guts,

Luster Dawn

P.S. I saw you and your sister sucking face behind the school down here and I am disgusted by it. I actually feel ashamed to be the protege of a pony who commits incest with her sister IN PUBLIC. I swear, if you two didn't have infinite powers and if Equestria still had an ounce of morals, they'd demand you abdicate the throne or overthrow you in a coup. One day they will finally realize that incestuous sisters are doing nothing but hurting our image in the eyes of the rest of the world and do what it takes to fix that problem.

Dear Luster Dawn,

Tell you what, it took me many years to befriend the ponies I did so at least try to make some acquaintances like I did. Nopony ever said you had to like them but at least get to know some ponies because I'll be damned if I'm going to let you hide out in that castle and do nothing.

And regarding Spike, you are not to treat him like a slave nor are you to "ground him" and keep him confined to the castle. If I didn't need a quick way to communicate with you I would just take him home with me. Watch it Luster, if you keep this up I'll force you to move to the apple farm and have Applejack put your sorry ass to work!

Making Sure You Don't Hide Out,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Don't make me laugh Luster. Sure some ponies frown upon what my sister and I do but a majority of the country has taken the attitude that if it doesn't affect them directly that they simply don't care. Don't forget, both Starlight and I lived in Ponyville for a while and they eventually grew to like both of us AND we did stuff like that constantly down there so I doubt they're going to think anything bad about us! You however, they'll probably hate you solely for being a bitch in public.

Dear Bright Beam,

I am so proud of you! Even though you have been busy taking care of Vice-head mare duties, you were able to jump in and stop that changeling from leveling Ponyville and you saved the festival that was being held for my sister and I. I am glad to know that you were able to get Pharynx to stop wanting to destroy the town and then got to know him. He is pretty nice once you get to know him. My guess is that he was merely having a bad day but don't worry, he won't do this again. Again thanks for saving the festival.

Sincerely,

Starlight

Starlight,

Well I just saw that a creature was attacking town and I did what any good unicorn with powerful magic would do. I am glad to know that it was just a changeling rather than a legitimate monster but I like to think of it as a test. I think of it as a test that would show whether or not I could protect the school and I passed. I feel more confident now that if any dangers arise, I can protect the students down here....and if you ever need any help setting festivals up down here, let me know! I'm pretty sure that I will do a much better job than Luster Dawn will. I heard her grumbling and bitching about having to come down here.

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

P.S. I'm not sure if anypony else saw it or not but I saw you and your sister kissing passionately behind the Ponyville schoolhouse. Now I don't have any problems with it, hell I think it is cool that you and your sister aren't afraid to show your love for one another. I know Luster knows what you two do and doesn't like it but I think she is jealous because you two won't let her in on your activities. Oh well, I see nothing wrong with it and Equestria is way more accepting than it used to be so I bet nopony else will see anything wrong with it either.

Dear Bright Beam,

Well I am happy to know that you see nothing wrong with the activities that my sister and I partake in. This is another reason that you are such a great protege, you see nothing wrong with sisters sharing a special kind of love with one another. Now I'm sure there are some things you won't stand for, such as Luster finding a way to reproduce, but the fact that the love between my sister and I doesn't bother you is good to me!

Sincerely,

Starlight

Luster's Acquaintances (S1 E4)

Dear Twibitch,

Well I finally decided to do that fucking assignment you gave me, get to know some ponies. Now naturally they aren't worthy of friendship but they are acquaintances and I tricked them into tolerating me. You see, I told them that you would kill me if I didn't find some ponies to hang out with and surprisingly they actually felt sorry for me. Now yeah, that hasn't helped your image down here any but sometimes a pony has to lie to get things done.

Let me start out with the sexy one. Yes I did get to know Bunny Tracks and good grief she is retarded. She barely speaks to other ponies and prefers to sing to those stupid animals of hers. Now unfortunately the little bitch yelled at me for watching her ass as she walked but a day will come when I will initiate her and she will become my friend.

Now for a true genetic defect. I met this pegasus named Scootaloo and get this, the little bitch can't even fly! Yep, her wings never grew enough to get her off the ground. Now I call bullshit on that because there is this pegasus that takes steroids down here with even smaller wings and he can fly. I think she is just too fucking stupid to fly and to make matters worse, she lives with her lesbo aunts, lesbos just like you and Starlight. Despite her being defective, I got to know her and will spend time with her when it is necessary.

Then there are these two little bitch earth ponies that come from rich families, Diamond Tramp and Silver Skank are their names I think. I have heard that in the past that they were bullying little bitches but now they are all nice to everypony. What a bunch of losers, at one time they knew they were the best but now they think they're on par with other ponies. Oh fucking well, I decided to become acquaintances with them since I'm being forced. Now despite them being earth ponies and being losers, I might try to make friends out of them someday. I do think they're hot and my horn is really seeking rich girl pussy.

Then there is this country mare Apple Bloom who is good friends with the defect that can't fly. Dumb thing about her, her cutie mark resembles the defect's and a squeaky voiced white unicorn, her name is Sweetie Bitch I think, that is annoying as hell....yeah I decided to spend some time with her. I had to put up with her non-stop bitching about how you took her sister away from her for years and was complaining about your mother and how she hated them. Now I did get a bit of a laugh out of it but hey, I've made SIX acquaintances. I heard when you got banished to this shithole you only made five so I'm up on you there bitch!

Now that I've got to know some of these rejects and will be doing shit with them, could you give me a time table of when you'll let me come home? Yeah I fucking hated putting up with you but dealing with these inbreds is probably going to be worse.

Making Acquaintances,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Look bitch, you are to address me by my title. Perhaps if you ever become respectable and treat me with respect like Bright Beam does Starlight, I'll let you call me just by my name but for right now, I can tell that won't happen. Now regarding the ponies you have got to know, outside of Bunny Tracks, I know all of them.

Now I don't know what is wrong with Scootaloo and why she can't fly but if you insult her even one more time, I will come down there and paddle your ass red. Regarding those rich earth pony fillies, I never was a fan of those bitches even after they allegedly reformed....I do have a feeling though that you'll probably befriend them first because they think the world owes them everything like you do and given nopony else will accept them, maybe they will put out for you.

Regarding the unicorn, I get letters from her all the time and I just toss them in the trash, I have no need for her drama and the farm pony, she is decent....not a prize rooster but still way better than you. Who am I kidding, everypony is better than you, hell Cozy Glow is better than you and she nearly destroyed Equestria, TWICE. You know you better be good because one small part of me wants to free Cozy Glow and turn you to stone instead. Yes she is a conniving little thing but at least she isn't a spoiled, self-entitled bitch like you are.

Now don't do anything to jeopardize hanging out with those new acquaintances. If any of them stop wanting to hang out with you, I'll do to you what I did to that worthless guard or you'll wind up in the sculpture garden, capiche?

Surprised You Made Acquaintances,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Regarding Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, they were on my mother's shit list because they published embarrassing pictures of her in the local school newspaper so of course they were on her shit list. They are on MY shit list too because one time they took advantage of me because of my popularity. The little bitches got their whole class to do shit for them because they were close to me....and that is why they are on the list of ponies you must befriend. I want to make them just as miserable as I'm making you.

Spike Runs Away (S1 E5)

Dear Twibitch,

I am not one bit happy right now. In his less than infinite wisdom, Spike decided to go take a trip to the dragon lands to hang out with Ember to discuss some "important issues" I am not one bit happy because of this, I had to actually cook one of my own meals. Do you realize how beneath me that is? I have Spike around to do menial chores that are beneath me, not to have him run off like a disobedient little bastard.

You know something, I think this warrants him being replaced. His job is to be my slave and do what I say, not run off and hang out with inferiors. I ultimately went out to the dragon lands so I could drag his ass home and punish him for bailing on me when it was time for supper. Now when I got out there I discovered something truly pathetic.

Get this, the little bastard was out there not only hanging out with Ember but was also out there with this orange dragon from the school and then this red dragon who was writing poetry. From what I understand that dragon used to bully him but now they are friends and the former bad ass was writing poetry? I swear, he must be gayer than a three bit coin. I thought dragons were better than that but apparently not, it is no wonder his friends kicked him to the curb. I'd do the same too if I were a dragon.

Now I didn't completely waste my time while he was away. I did decide to go and try to seduce Bunny Girl. I lowered myself to helping her give her animals a bath but when I swatted her flank and asked her if she would be my friend but she slugged me and called me a rapist! Can you believe that? I help her out with a very demeaning task but she won't pay me what I feel she owed me. Mark my words though, that little bitch will put out for me some day, I'll see to that.

Mad at Bunny Girl,

Luster Dawn

Luster,

Look, Spike does have friends in the dragon lands and he is very well respected there. Hell he is our ambassador to the dragon lands so I would advise that you just let him go. Also, there were times when I had to fix my own meals and I had absolutely no issues with it. Obviously you though aren't intelligent enough to do it. I can only hope one day that you will undercook something and you will wind up dying because of it. That would be a truly wonderful event but there would be two drawbacks to that.

The first drawback would be that you could no longer be miserable if you were dead and the second drawback would be that Bright Beam wouldn't have you around to be infinitely better than. Now when it comes to Bunny Girl, you're way too much like I was when it came to PETA Girl with the exception that I know for a fact that you will never seduce her, ever. Hell you may just have to horn rape her and if you were to do that, I'd saw that damn thing off!

Laughing You Can't Get Bunny Girl,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Race of the Proteges (S1 E6)

Dear Twibitch,

Well an annual event that I found rather stupid came up, the Running of the Leaves. Now normally I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in something so stupid but when I heard ponies talking about how you won it one time, I figured I'd take part in this and try and win it as well. You know what is ridiculous, ponies have to run to knock the leaves off the trees! Can't they just do it like they do in other countries and let them fall off on their own or at least use magic to remove them like we did up in Canterlot.

Anyway, about this race. The fucking thing sucked because I was horrible. I finished dead last and these two old farts by the name of Crash and Applejack I think, well they finished up at the close of the front of the pack but you know what pisses me off? What fucking pisses me off is that Bright Beam not only won the race but she broke the damn record. Why is it that she must always be so much better than me at everything? I almost wonder if Starbitch didn't cast a spell on her to give her extra speed for this event and YOU did something to slow me down because I should have finished first.

To make matters worse, I tried to initiate Bunny Girl afterwards but she told me "sorry but I don't fuck losers" and then proceeded to throw herself out to Bright Beam. Now I know something is seriously wrong with Bright Beam because she told Bunny Girl that she won't put out unless she is in a deeply committed relationship. What kind of fucking loser thinks like that? Hell if Bunny Girl threw herself out to me I'd fuck her in a heartbeat. Chances are Bright Beam is trying to be little miss priss and make everypony love her more than they already do and make it look like she has morals....ugh, now that is pathetic!

What a horrible day it was, I lost a race and was shot down by Bunny Girl. I want to know something, what the fuck would you do when you had days like this? Are there any ponies down here that will put out at the drop of a hat? Are there any ponies that will accept me no matter what, regardless of how much most of the town hates me?

Hating Losing Races,

Luster Dawn

To My Whiny Little Protege,

Ugh, is this all you're going to do, whine, whine, whine? I don't know if you took part in the Running of the Leaves solely so you could bitch to me about it or because you thought you had a snowball's chance in hell of actually winning it. Well one thing is for sure, you're nothing like me. The first year I was down there, I won the race and got a nice, shiny gold medal out of it. Starlight and I were spying from our balcony and it looks Bright Beam got the same thing, a nice shiny medal but she also got a trophy for setting a new record. Now that right there is proof that us unicorns are better than the other two tribes....well most unicorns. You however, you are a disgrace to unicorns everywhere and given that at one time Starlight and I were unicorns (and thus still carry unicorn genetics), I feel that we can take the liberty to classify ourselves as such.

Now listen to me and listen to me good, don't even bother trying to run the race in the future. You don't have the leg muscle nor do you have the stamina to run such a race. Hell next time volunteer to be the time keeper, well if you have the brains to do so, or perhaps just avoid the activity entirely. Now regarding Bunny Girl shooting you down, that doesn't surprise me. PETA Girl shot me down and I won the fucking race for pony's sake!

Now about who will buck you. Now I know they're getting old but go check at the spa. The spa twins put out for me all the time. Now I do spy on Ponyville from my balcony so I can see you being miserable and I do have some good news! The spa twins are training a couple of hot replacements since they are nearing retirement. If they are like most spa hotties, they'll put out for you and love you when nopony else will. Hey I was the most hated pony in town and they constantly put out for me. Just don't bitch about your problems to them, give them tender horn sex and you'll have a couple guaranteed bootie-calls! Now I must get going because Starlight and I are having a cake delivered to us and that is far more important than putting up with you further.

Disappointed in You Again,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

Well fall is upon us again and like it always does down here in Ponyville, the Running of the Leaves took place. Now I hope you aren't mad but I decided to take part in it. I know I had a busy schedule but Twilight took part in it back in the day and I just decided I wanted to try it out. Don't worry, Iron Will took over my duties and he actually did a pretty good job!

Now about the race. Well I had most everypony telling me they didn't think I would do very good, especially Luster but guess what? I won and not only did I win, but I set a new record! Not only do I have a nice shiny gold medal around my neck but I have a huge, kick ass trophy on a shelf in my office now too! I'm honestly thinking of taking over the P.E. classes down here. Hey I can run like the wind so I may as well, right?

Now what does surprise me is that despite being up there in years, Applejack and Rainbow Dash finished second and third. Those two seem to have mellowed out over the years because from what I understand one time they finished last because of how they were fighting. Oh well, this time the last place finish was reserved for Luster. I personally don't think she was even trying. Hell it took her until sundown to finish the race from what I understand. Now I didn't hang around that long because I had papers to grade but from what I understand she crossed right as the sun was dipping below the horizon and was demanding a trophy. When I heard that my immediate thought was, "Same old Luster, wants a trophy merely for participating."

Anyway, just thought I'd write you and let you know about the race.

The Fastest Pony in Ponyville,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

Booyah Bright Beam, Booyah! Way to show them other ponies that a Canterlot pony can win that race! I know they thought the same thing when Twilight took part in it and she wound up winning. Let me say that I'm very proud of you and you don't need to worry about me being mad. You are learning a lot down there and learning to kick ass in races is just part of the game. Maybe some day I will teach you how to fly with just your magic and you can enter the best young flyers competition too and win something I never had the opportunity to compete in.

You know something, I know I've said this before and I'll likely say it many more times, you're like the daughter I never had. You excel at everything you do and you always try your hardest. Now when it comes to Luster, I know she will continue to fail miserably in all aspects of life but she isn't our problem so let's not focus too much on her, alright?

Anyway, I'm coming down to Ponyville this weekend and how about I take you out to lunch for kicking ass in that race. Does that sound good?

Very Proud of You,

Starlight

Ponyville Warm Up (S1 E7)

Dear Twibitch,

You know something? I just don't get this fucking place. It was just a few days ago that Starbitch's precious little angel won that trophy for winning that dame race and now here it is time to melt away all the damn snow to make way for spring. I want to know something, if you and your lover (aka sister) are infinitely powerful, why the hell don't you just reverse that stupid spell your mother and aunt cast so long ago to cause ponies to have to put up with all this shit?

Well anyway I knew the damn routine, everypony has to take part in this menial event or we'd be stuck in a frozen wasteland for all eternity. Now everypony had their stupid jobs for the most part, everypony except for me and Spike. Well Spike decided to just crawl in a bush and take a nap. I know when he pulled that shit with you, you woke him up and told him to help in getting that sorry event done but I figured "fuck it" and went on to handle things on my own.

For starters, Sweetie Belle is a fucking idiot. Did you know that she was trying to make birds' nests all by herself? I mean seriously, how fucking stupid is that? That wasn't the only stupid shit that these ponies were doing. The rich bitches were out trying to score the lakes. Now I tried talking to them and convincing them to forget scoring the lakes when they could score with me instead. You're not going to believe this but I almost got my horn in Diamond Tiara's love canal but then Silver Spoon had to be a bitch and remind us that we had to get the lakes taken care of. Ugh what a bitch, I could have had a friend had it not been for her.

Now for another idiot, Bunny Tracks. She has to be the dumbest of them all, waking animals by ringing a bell outside their damn burrow. I approached her while she did this and told her that she should just let me ring her bell instead but she hit me, she hit me! Well I knew she was going to be a lost cause and then I decided to go help Apple Bloom at the Apple farm but she got all pissy just because I used magic to help clear snow away. Yes I caused an avalanche and shit but hey, it was the thought that counted, right?

Oh fucking well, all those ponies proved to be ungrateful assholes. Not a thank you, kiss my ass or anything from a single one of them but then little miss perfect comes out of the friendship school, sees everypony fighting, fires a bolt of energy out of her horn and cleans up winter. Now for what is funny, the whole town is mad at her for not doing things the traditional way! I guess Starlight's little angel ain't so perfect after all now is she? I am thinking in the future though that I'm skipping town when this lame event comes along.

Hating Winter Wrap Up,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

You know something, normally I would go off on you and tell you how pathetic you are but I'm not going to this time because you behaved almost exactly how I did the first time I had to put up with that shit. With the exception of almost making a friend, our experiences were quite similar.

Now I am very impressed that you almost made a friend. It took me years before I finally made a friend. Now I'm thinking that if you can get that Diamond Tiara bitch alone, friendship will be guaranteed and you'll have somepony you can fuck till the cows come home. Now don't fail me here Luster, you're way ahead of me here but if you do fail me, I will know you are beyond pathetic. Oh and if you do fail with Diamond Tiara, go after those new spa twins. Spa hotties are easy as pie and hey, if I could get in their coats when I was hated, I know you can get in these twins' coats too.

Now if you can behave a bit more like me, perhaps I won't hate you quite so much. Now yeah, the chances of me ever liking you as much as Starlight does Bright Beam is nearly zero but hey, maybe a day will come when I'll be able to tolerate you enough I'll let you come home!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. You know, Starlight and I would have reversed that shitty spell our mother and aunt cast but we enjoy seeing ponies get so frustrated having to put up with that shit. Maybe if they ever was to enjoy the activity, then we'd get rid of it.

Dear Bright Beam,

I saw what happened with the wrapping winter thing up down there in Ponyville and I must say that I am a bit disappointed yet I am not surprised. I know it was likely exam day and that is why you didn't take part in it right away. I know seeing all those ponies still fighting and seeing nothing being done by sundown frustrated you but that didn't warrant you doing their activity for them. I have received letters from some of the more old fashioned ponies down there bitching and complaining about how you spit on their traditions.

Now yeah, I'd just say "fuck their outdated traditions" and use magic to solve every problem in Equestria but when you live on their turf, you kind of have to be careful not to piss them off. I do have some advice, next year just stay in the school. I know you're a lot like me, you don't have the patience to put up with things like that and hey, you are MY protege, you are above doing lowly things like that. That is the job of Twilight's protege, not mine!

Sincerely,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

I know I shouldn't have used my magic to bring in spring early but they were fighting and I was sick of winter! I just wanted to bring in the nice weather early and I thought maybe they'd appreciate my help but apparently not. Maybe I'll just take the students on another trip to Las Pegasus next year around this time and maybe I can win more money in the casino all while Luster can be screwing up in helping with this horrid event.

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Lazy Luster (S1 E8)

Dear Twibitch,

Well despite the weather turning nice another shitty time has arrived in Ponyville. I think they called it, "Everypony must help harvest or we'll all fucking starve" or some dumb shit like that. Well me and all my acquaintances headed over to the apple farm and got to work on harvesting apples. Well the first thing that pissed me off was that it was just me and my acquaintances along with the other apples that aided in this endeavor. All the other ponies were able to do their normal jobs, even that lazy unicorn Big Mac married didn't have to help since she works at the school. Well I decided to do what any normal unicorn would do and began to levitate the apples off the trees and Apple Bitch slapped me over it. She went on some tirade about how the apples will taste awful or some dumb shit like that if they aren't removed the traditional way. I figured whatever and said, "fuck this shit" and headed home.

Well when I got home I got lectured by Spike! Yep I got lectured by Spike. He told me I was a lazy bitch and that I should go back and help out so I left again but I didn't go to the damn apple farm. I went to the spa and it was the final day for Aloe and Lotus before they retired and were putting their nieces in charge, who just happened to have the same name. I told them how I was your protege and how I was having a bad day and guess what, they led me to the steam room and gave me a pampering that most mares could only dream of!

What made things even better is that they said as long as I don't bitch about my life or my lowly acquaintances is that they will not only put out for me on demand but they will be my exclusive lovers! Now that is fucking sweet if you ask me! Now am I going to stop trying to initiate Bunny Girl and score with Diamond Tiara, fuck no but hey, if I need some action, I know exactly where to go! Now Spike found out about it and he ain't one bit happy but oh fucking well, he will just have to get over it. If I'm not a happy mare, his life will be a living nightmare.

Happy I Have My Own Spa Twins,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Well let me start out by saying that I am not happy that you would lie to me. Either they started a new tradition after I left about the everypony starving to death thing or you simply made something up to bitch to me about since nothing bad has happened. Now if that did actually happen and you bolted, I don't blame Spike for lecturing you. Now he knew better than to lecture me but then again I was his owner while I simple decided to loan him to you and he knows I hate you almost as much as I hated Trixie when I first met her.

Now I am happy though that you have your own set of spa hotties so maybe you won't bitch quite so much to me. Remember this Luster, whenever you are having a bad day, just go get some pampering instead of bitching to me. I'm pretty sure you won't listen though, you'll go see them and still bitch to me since I molded you to be too much like me but oh well, as long as you get laid maybe you won't be quite so bad. Now don't do anything to lose those twins or your punishment will be severe.

Your Superior,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Invasion of the Lightning Bugs (S1 E9)

Dear Twibitch,

Did you know that there are these lighting bugs that live in the Everfree Forest? Well if you didn't before, now you do. You see, I was with my lousy acquaintances over at the apple farm. They were kicking the trees and I was holding the baskets so the apples wouldn't drop on the ground when all of a sudden they came swarming out of the forest and began firing lightning at us. Now for some strange reason the fuckers mostly targeted me and Apple Bloom. Now this is weird, Bunny Tracks was able to talk to them and they said that they went after Apple Bloom because they saw her in a vision once and that they targeted me once solely because I am a bitch.

Well that obviously pissed me off so I started firing energy at them but unfortunately they must be immune to my energy and after that, they decided to target me and me alone. The little bastards then chased me into the castle and now I have a whole swarm of the fucking things waiting outside like they think that when I come out, they can attack and kill me. Hell maybe I should do just that and then I'll be free of my misery.

Hoping These Bugs Will Kill Me,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Oh cry me a fucking river. if you honestly think I care about those bugs hurting you, you must be delusional. Now I would be upset if they killed you though because I certainly wouldn't want your misery to be cut short and if they were to kill you, I would have no choice but to fine your parents severely for my property being destroyed. Remember Luster, you are literally my property and while the market value on you is next to zero, I do call the shots so I could claim your value is a million bits and fine them into the poor house. That would be pretty sweet now, wouldn't it?

Now I know about the nature of those bugs and if they do any damage to my old castle, your parents will be fined as well. Things will operate like they did when my mom was in charge. If things like that get damaged, those who I thought were my parents would get fined or see their taxes go up. Now your parents are plenty well off and they are assholes so I would have no problems punishing them monetarily just for the fun of it. Have fun waiting out those bugs Luster!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Gathering of the Old Timers (S1 E10)

Dear Twibitch,

Well, well, well....I guess friendship ain't so important to you after all. I got the message from you that your friends, well more like former friends, were having a gathering down here and ordered me to set it up. Now for what is pathetic, the moment I got the letter Spike got all excited and began going on and on about Rarity and how he STILL wants to score with her. Seriously, he is wanting to fuck an aging unicorn? Because of that, I decided to ground him but he then threatened to send a libelous message up to you that I liked boys because he knows you'd drop me if you even thought I was anything short of a full blown lesbian.

Well I let him go and when they showed up, he immediately rushed over to Rarity. The hell with that was my reaction, I saw something I wanted instead, this incredibly hot yellow pegasus I learned went by the name of Fluttershy. Unfortunately, that Discord guy I learned about in school is like her protective older brother or some dumb shit like that because when I tackled her and tried to give her horn sex, he turned me into a fucking orange! He warned me that he would banish me into limbo if I even tried that again.

Now what I would like to know is why weren't you here? I thought that perhaps with them being here, you would come down to try and rekindle some of those friendships, especially the one with PETA Girl since I did learn that at one time she OWNED you. Now I find that fucking hilarious, you at one time were owned by a tender little thing like her and that was before she had Discord around 24/7. I am honestly thinking of writing to all my former schoolmates and telling them about how you were the doormat of all doormats to an animal obsessed pegasus that was still shy for the most part. Damn I bet they'd lose a lot of respect for you!

To make matters worse, all they did was bitch, bitch, bitch about you and Starlight not being there and about how horrible the food was. Now that was Spike's fault, he was supposed to cook it but in the end I wound up using the government credit card to get some local restaurant to cater the event. I will say this, we got screwed over when it came to that. I was charged 5,000 bits when that meal wasn't worth 5 bits.

Now I'm not happy with Spike because I heard him bragging about how he actually scored with Rarity. I don't know if it is really true or not but so help me Faust, if I do discover that he isn't lying about it, I'm giving the little bastard a sex change operation. No way in hell should he be scoring with a pony, ever. That is flat out gross! Anyway, next time those old-timers come to town, please come and at least associate with them, I got sick of their bitching real quick.

Irritated With Your So-Called Friends,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Bitch, bitch, bitch, is that all you know how to do? Look, I had you take care of this because I had no desire to deal with it myself AND it was scheduled on a Saturday and you know that Starlight and I spend all day in bed on Saturdays. Anyway, I am glad they were able to irritate you but I am not thrilled that you tried to rape PETA Girl. Thankfully Discord put a stop to that because had you succeeded, I would have turned you into a decoration for the birds to shit all over.

Now that is a fucking lie about PETA Girl. She never owned me in any way, shape or form. We were a lot closer at that point and she did put out for me A LOT but she never owned me. I'm thinking I'm going to have to have a little talk with that bitch for making up that lie about me....more like an intense horn raping session. She will learn that one does not make up lies about the most powerful pony in Equestria and get away with it!

Now whether Spike finally scored with Rarity or not, I don't care one way or another but if he did and you do anything to him, I'll saw that horn of yours off and shove it up your ass and you sure the hell wouldn't want that now, would you? Now if you will excuse me, Starlight is giving me bedroom eyes so I'm cutting this short.

Getting Ready to Get Laid by My Hot Sister,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. You had the audacity to use the government credit card without my permission? Oh somepony is going to pay dearly for this. Guess what, I'm going to fine your parents 100,000 bits for this and I'm taking your copy of the credit card away for a while. It is obvious that you are not ready to have something like that. If I ever decide to give it back to you, your parents will get fined a hell of a lot more and be punished in an unimaginably horrible way.

Dear Twilight,

You're not going to believe this but when your old friends came to town, I scored with Rarity! Yep, after so many years I finally scored with her. Yes she is getting older but she is still as hot as ever! Now I did ask her about a relationship and she said no but she is open to more flings like this. Right now I am the happiest dragon in all of Equestria.

Happy I Laid Rarity,

Spike

Dear Spike,

That is fucking sweet! I know for so long I told you that you'd never get her nor would I allow you to pursue her but now, I'm happy you got her in bed. Now yeah, I know she doesn't want a relationship but if she will put out from time to time, that is even better. You won't be tied down by a relationship and you still get all the benefits!....hey that is a win-win if you ask me. Anyway, I'm glad you got her but I must get going because there is a certain butterfly-ass that needs to be threatened.

Happy You Scored With Rarity,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Flutterskank,

So I heard you told my lousy protege that at one time you owned me. Well let me tell you something right now you little bitch, you better be glad I'm in a good mood right now because if I weren't, I'd come haul your ass over to Colgate's and let her and her friends have their way with you for a few days....trust me, I'd do it too! Now you better not pull this shit again or cause any other kind of trouble because if you do, I will take you to Colgate and instruct her and her friends to horn rape you so bad that you'd be praying for death, got that bitch?

Warning You,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To Equestria's Incestuous Bitch Leader,

Fuck you bitch. I was simply telling that little protege of yours the truth because I DID own you at one time. I can't help but wonder if you don't miss the times when I'd keep you confined to your castle while I went out and had fun with Dr. Fauna and Rarity. I know you secretly enjoyed it, I know you enjoyed it when the whole town knew you were my little bitch and had zero respect for you, I know you loved it when I forced you to humiliate yourself just to keep me happy. I will say this, don't even attempt to haul me off to Colgate because Discord would go through with his promise to make lots and lots of bits, cause the value of the bit to collapse and crash the economy.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Special: Luster's Special Correspondence

Dear Iron Will,

Hi, my name is Luster Dawn and I heard that one time my mentor, Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle, was involved in a scandal involving Cadence and Flurry Heart. I have heard that initially it was thought she was the "father" but then a new set of cards claimed that was not so. I also know that at one time my mentor fucked her sister-in-law nonstop and I have seen pictures of Flurry and I think that the original set of cards were the truth because before Twilight got exclusive with her sister, I know that she was the lesbo ho of all lesbo hos and that she does know fertility spells. I think you should get them back on your show and do a paternity test, one that won't be manipulated by any outside forces because face it, Flurry Heart looks nothing like Shining Armor. Please consider my suggestion, I know it would make your ratings go even higher.

Twibitch's protege,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster Dawn,

Iron Will thinks that is a splendid idea. Iron Will will contact the parties involved but right now Flurry is the ruler of the Crystal Empire and Cadence is the property of four very aggressive and possessive unicorns in Canterlot. Now Iron Will is certain Twilight will show up and he knows that you will come. This should make for quite the episode!

See all of you soon,

Iron Will

Shining Armor,

This is Iron Will and he is contacting you because there may have been a mess up with the cards in the paternity test and he needs you to come to the studio. Given that it is here in Manehattan, this should be no problem for you. After all, Equestria will truly want to know if you are really Flurry's father or if Twilight is.

See you Soon,

Iron Will

Iron Will,

For starters, you do know that Flurry is over 30 years old, right? You also do know that she is ruling in the Crystal Empire, right. I will go there but I know the results will be the same.

Shining Armor

Dear Princess Flurry Heart,

This is Iron Will and at one time there was a paternity test done regarding who your father is. Now in the end it was determined that Shining Armor was your father but Iron Will has received some inside information that may prove otherwise. Iron Will needs you to come to Manehattan as soon as possible so you can get the real answer.

See you Soon,

Iron Will

Iron Will,

What the fuck? You mean to tell me that Cadence, I mean Shining Armor might not be, like my father? Well I'll come and stuff but I do have royal duties y'know? I'll like get my royal advisor to handle things and stuff while I'm gone but I'm sure that the answers, I mean results will like, be the same.

Princess Flurry Heart

Dear Cadence,

This is Iron Will and he has a feeling that the first set of cards that were presented on his show over thirty years ago may have been incorrect. Iron Will needs you to come to Manehattan because a new paternity test is necessary. See you soon.

Sincerely,

Iron Will

Iron Will,

Hi, this is Colgate, Cadence's co-owner, dominating lover and master. Now I will allow her to come but I along with her other co-owners, lovers and masters will be coming along. She will also be wearing a horn cap AND I will be leading her around on a leash so she won't try any funny business, such as running to somepony who may try to take her away from us. Anyway, we shall see you soon.

Sincerely,

The owner of Cadence....Colgate

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight,

This is Iron Will and he has some news that you may like. Iron Will has received some inside information that gives him reason to think that the first set of cards that were given to him on his show so long ago may have been the real set. Iron Will needs you to come to Manehattan for a second paternity test so everypony will know who Flurry's real "father" is. See you soon.

Iron Will

Iron Will,

Wait a minute, you mean I might be Flurry's daddy after all. This is fucking sweet but Starlight will be accompanying me because we can't go too long being apart without getting horrible separation anxiety and having a meltdown. We shall see you soon.

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Celestia,

This is Iron Will and while he is not sure if you would care or not, he does have reason to believe that Flurry Heart may be your granddaughter so he is inviting you to an episode he will be taping soon involving a new paternity test involving your younger daughter and your niece. Let Iron Will know if you can make it, he hopes to see you soon.

Iron Will

Iron Will,

You bet I will come. This is going to be so hilarious. I do hope that Flurry really is my granddaughter. See you soon.

Celestia

That Crappy Love Holiday (S1 E11)

Dear Twibitch,

Well that shitty holiday where ponies waste their money on greeting cards, flowers and chocolate has arrived again. Yep, Hearts and Hooves Day is here and ugh, everypony is being all sappy and shit. Some of my acquaintances got into it. Diamond Bitch and Silver Slut were sucking face and groping one another right out in the middle of town. Can you believe that, they're almost as bad as you and your sister. The only reason I say almost is because at least they aren't sisters.

Moving on, Sweetie Bitch was crying and whining about not having a special somepony today. Now I would be her special somepony but she whines too much, just like her sorry ass sister. Speaking of her, I saw her and Fluttershy coming into town and ugh, there they were kissing gently and then they got a room at the local inn. I honestly hate to think what they're going to do but oh well, at least they're not going to go grinding out in the middle of town like you and Starbitch would.

Now for two of my other acquaintances, they were actually being semi-intelligent and not being all sappy and shit. Apple Bitch was apple bucking and the genetic defect that can't fly took a box of chocolates to Starbitch's little angel and begged her to cast a wing enlargement spell on her. Apparently Bright Beam is a softy because she managed to cast a temporary wing growth spell on her and get this, she was actually flying for about an hour but very quickly her wings returned to stumps and she crashed back down to earth. Oh well, I guess that loser got a little bit of time in the air. I am sure though that little miss perfect will study harder or Scootaloo will come up there and beg Starlight to give her permanent wings she can fly with since you obviously lack the brains to.

Now I am mad at Bunny Girl, I got some flowers and took them over to her. I gave her some seductive looks and asked her if we could be marefriends. I think she was actually considering it until I grabbed her flank. She then knocked me to the ground and started stomping me. The nerve of that bitch. Here I thought I was going to get a special friend and some action but oh hell no, she just had to shoot me down. What a stupid little bitch, she has no idea what she is missing.

Well in the end I went to the spa and Aloe and Lotus gave me their loving touch. They shut down shop, we went to the steam room and they gave me all the loving I could ever imagine. They let me give them horn sex, they sucked on my horn, we kissed passionately and they taught me something special, they called it "69" or something like that and oh my goodness, they taste so good! We talked and they have decided they will shut down shop on Sundays and devote every waking moment to me and me alone. Oh those two are so wonderful, they are the only friends I have and if that is how it winds up being, it is alright by me! Now I must get going, I have a date at the spa planned and the girls hate tardiness as much as you do.

Getting Love from the Spa Twins,

Luster "Getting Laid" Dawn

Dear Lusting Skank,

You know, I don't get why you are so upset about the rich bitches sucking face in public. Hell they did that behind the schoolhouse every day when they were fillies and from what I understand, they did unspeakable things in Silver's bedroom when they were younger. Now that doesn't surprise me about Flutterskank and Raribitch. I'm guessing though that they probably came into town and did that so you'd see it and report it to me. They probably figured I'd be jealous when I heard about it but I'm not. Hey, I have my sexy sister and we have already done all sorts of things that only the closest of sisters do and after I finish writing you, Starlight and I are going to try this abuse thing on one another that Colgate and Twinkleshine once told me about. You know, if you're interested, I'd gladly let you join us. We could crack out the whip, break out the paddle, heat up the chocolate and have all sorts of fun!

Yeah Bright Beam is a true gem isn't she, being so generous to help Scootaloo out like that. Now I know her birthday is coming up BUT I know for a fact that Starlight will not give her permanently big wings because of the shit she pulled so long ago. Starlight loves me and would never aid that little bitch for the libelous shit she printed in the school newspaper so long ago. Bright Beam may study enough to give her permanently big wings but Starlight sure the hell won't give them to her nor will I.

Now I would love to know how you got the spa twins to do all of that for you. I constantly begged Aloe and Lotus for the "69" thing but they'd never do it! Yes they shut down shop for me for months at a time but still, they never did anything like that. They said something about consuming body fluids was going too far or some shit like that. Now I will say this, you can not just go spend every single Sunday with those slutty spa twins, you will have to try to befriend those acquaintances of yours. Hell maybe you can take the rich sluts with you to the spa and all of you can have a five way.

Now I must get going, Starlight and I have special plans for right now. Starlight and I have a cake being delivered to us and eating it and then snacking on Starlight will be much better than continuing to waste my time writing to you.

Getting Ready to Eat My Sister,

Goddess-Queen Twilight "Your Superior" Sparkle

The Royal Pony Sisters' Step-Daughters (S1 E12)

Dear God Emperor Goldner,

Something terrible has happened. You see, we were going exploring and we managed to go through a portal and wound up in Equestria again. The thing is, the portal wound up losing all of its energy and now we can't go back home. Even worse, that means that we are now orphans. Now we are not sure where to go but do you know if Starlight Glimmer still lives in Ponyville? If so we are wondering if she would adopt us? Please get back to us, we would love to be her stepdaughters.

Sincerely,

Toolaroola and Coconut Cream

To the G3 Ponies that annoy me,

Look, I am no longer involved with this generation of My Little Pony. However, I do know that Starlight has become something much bigger thanks to the new big brass, she and Twilight Sparkle live in Canterlot and are ruling the roost in Equestria now. Unfortunately I don't rule the roost anymore so I suppose I can't stop you from writing her so go ahead and write her. Don't be surprised though if Twilight isn't thrilled because of the desserts you threw on her one time.

Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

It is Toolaroola and Coconut Cream. We have some rather interesting news. You see, the two of us were doing some exploring and we went through that portal again but the thing is, it has now disappeared and we are homeless and no longer have any parents. We talked to who is now the former big brass and since he is no longer in charge, he said he couldn't stop you from adopting us!

He also told us something about Twilight being upset if you did but we know more about you two than most ponies would think. We know you two are close and she wouldn't stop you because she loves you. Please let us know if you'll adopt us so we can come up to Canterlot and begin new lives.

Hoping You'll Adopt Us,

Toolaroola and Coconut Cream

Dear Toolaroola and Coconut Cream,

We have talked and we have decided to adopt you. In the event you are wondering why I am saying we, you see Twilight is my sister and we are very close, closer than any other pair of sisters ever. Also, we have infinite powers so we can do anything we please. So come on up to Canterlot and not only will we adopt you but we'll turn you into Alicorns and make you princesses.

Ready to Adopt You,

Starlight Glimmer and Twilight Sparkle

To Brian Goldner,

Guess what asshole, we were adopted by Starlight and Twilight! Yep, despite you not allowing it back in season seven and claiming we'd never get adopted, we did! Want to know something else you jackass? They turned us into Alicorns and gave us powers greater than their mother had and are teaching us even more! Even better, we are now princesses and have been promised that once we get older, we'll get to take over Twilight's old castle and make some bitch named Luster Dawn our subordinate! Isn't that sweet? Anyway, we'd say more but our step-mothers are throwing us a lavish feast and we don't want to be late.

Equestria's Newest Princesses,

Toolaroola and Coconut Cream

To the Arrogant New Princesses,

What the hell? You mean to tell me that not only were you adopted but you were turned into Alicorns and made princesses? I know why the hell this happened. The new big brass did this to spite me. In fact, he has done a lot to spite me solely because his waifu never became an Alicorn princess in the show. Oh well, this isn't any skin off of my ass. Now I do want to ask you of one thing, once you two are deemed old enough to take over Twilight's old castle, make Luster Dawn's life miserable. I don't like her anymore than Twilight does.

Upset you Became Alicorns,

Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

The Big Promotion/Luster's Frustration, Part 1 (S1 E13)

Dear Bright Beam,

Well I have decided the time has come. I have decided the time has come to have you fulfill part of your destiny. In a couple of days my hot sister and I will be coming down to celebrate something big. I am going to reverse the come to life spell I put on Phyllis and take her home. That means that you will be promoted to the position of head mare. Like I have said, you are like the daughter I'll never have unless Twilight and I decide to use freaky fertility magic on one another during horn sex.

Now don't worry about not having a Vice head mare, I have decided to promote Sugar Belle to the position because Twilight and I know she will be perfect for the position. See you in a couple of days.

So Proud of You,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. Your living quarters will now be much better. I would let you take over the castle but Twilight has other plans for it, plans that will really piss off that sub-par protege of hers. We have however seized the mansion of one of the rich bitches down there for failure to pay her taxes. What was Silver Spoon's home shall now be your home! Don't worry about having to clean a place that big, we have maids that we will send in to take care of that. Also, you will be getting a 50,000 bit promotion bonus plus you will be paid three times what you were as Vice head mare.

Dear Starlight,

Really? My time to be head mare has arrived? I want to thank you for the promotion and I promise that I won't let you or Twilight down. Now that is really sweet that I'll be getting not just a big mansion but also maids to take care of the place. I am also happy that you think I am deserving of such a big pay raise and a huge bonus! I'm not sure what I'll do with all of it but I'll likely donate that bonus to a cat sanctuary outside of Manehattan since I love cats so much....and since I'll have my own mansion I think I'll adopt a cat, most likely a black one since they don't get adopted as frequently as others do. Again, thank you so much!

Happy You're Promoting Me,

Bright Beam

P.S. If she wouldn't be such a bitch, I think it would be funny if Luster had to come clean the place every now and then. I can't help but wonder how bitchy she'd be if you made her be my maid on Sundays since that is her spa day.

Dear Bright Beam,

You want Luster as a maid on Sundays? Consider it done! I don't like her much and seeing her get all worked up by taking her away from those slutty spa twins on the day they were going to devote to her will be sweet!

Giving You a Maid,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Luster Dawn,

Guess what, my incredibly sexy sister's vastly superior protege has been promoted to head mare of the friendship school! Isn't that sweet? You know something, if you weren't such a self-entitled bitch who thinks the world owes her everything, maybe you could have some sort of role there too. Unfortunately for you though, you are nothing more than a disappointment who fails miserably at everything and that is why you are relegated to doing shit that is beneath Bright Beam.

Speaking of Bright Beam, did you know that my sexy sister is giving her a 50,000 bit bonus and tripling her pay? Also, one of the wealthy families down there didn't pay their taxes and we seized their mansion. Since she is so good at doing her job, Bright Beam is moving into it in a couple of days and you know, she will be needing maids. Guess what, as your superior and owner, I am going to force you to go and help the other maids clean on Sundays! You know what that means, no more spa Sundays for you!

Making You Be Bright Beam's Maid,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twibitch,

What the fuck? Not only are you two promoting that little ass kisser to head mare but you are also giving her a massive pay raise, a huge bonus and a fucking mansion? I would love to know how much she has kissed your ass for you to love her just as much as Starlight does. You know what, more and more I'm really wondering why I fucking try. Bright Beam has advanced so much yet here I am having to put up with acquaintances who barely tolerate me and I constantly have to put up with getting shot down by Bunny Girl. You have no idea how miserable I am. Hell, I'd rather still be up in Canterlot getting horn raped by my study mates than having to put up with this because at least I got horn sex up there.

And to make matters worse you are making me be the ass kisser's fucking maid on my spa day? I want to know something, what are you bitches going to do if I refuse and simply hide out in the spa? I honestly don't get why the fuck you are giving her maids and tons of money. Now if she were running a huge corporation like my dad is I could understand it but all she does is run your damn school, take the students on trips to Las Pegasus and goes gambling....and always fucking wins big money on the slot machines.

You know what? I'm finished with this. I fucking quit. I can no longer handle being shit on while you two treat Bright Beam like she is a beloved family member. Perhaps I should just move to a big city back east and work a street corner, it would beat being shit on by you all the time.

Quitting,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Don't you even think about quitting. If you do quit, I will drag your ass back up here, kill your parents in front of you and seize all your precious daddy's assets. To top that off, I will transform you into an immortal Alicorn, one with minimal powers and then give you as a gift to my old friends! I'm sure they'd love you, especially Colgate. After a month or so with them, you'd be begging to be back in this situation so choose wisely bitch. Which is it, my old friends or this situation?

Making Sure You Don't Quit,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twibitch,

Fine, I'll stay put. I'm only staying so you won't give me to your old friends because I certainly don't feel like being their sex slave for all eternity. Just so you know though, I don't give a shit about my parents. I hate them a lot for not reading the fucking fine print and basically giving me to you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the spa, I could really use some loving right about now.

Hating Your Guts,

Luster Dawn

The Big Promotion/Luster's Frustration, Part 2 (S1 E14)

Dear Starlight,

I just thought I would report to you how things have been going. Things have been going quite well. Running the school isn't as hard as I thought it would be although coming up with a fresh curriculum has been a challenge but I always get it done. Thankfully I have Sugar Belle by my side to assist me with it, she is a huge help and is always full of new ideas. Also, Iron Will is doing a great job as guidance counselor and surprisingly, he hasn't turned all the students into narcissistic troublemakers who speak in the third pony.

While things have been going well here at the school, things have not been going so well at home, well on Sundays anyway. Luster didn't show up on one Sunday and on the other she was a total bitch. She was so horrible that one of the other maids slugged her but oh well, she did a sub-par job and one of the other maids had to clean the bathroom since she didn't do a good enough job. I also heard her screaming, cursing you and Twilight's names when she thought she was alone. I was planning on approaching her over it but I figured I'd just tell you and let Twilight deal with her.

Remember how I said I was planning on adopting a cat? Well I did that. The cat I adopted is solid black and is named Shadow and he is a very affectionate kitty. He even likes most of the other maids although he did scratch Luster's face when she tried to pick him up. I'm glad he scratched her though, she should not be trying to pick my cat up when he doesn't like her!

Well I do hope all is well for you and Twilight. Again thanks for the promotion and everything that came with it.

Thankful,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

Well that is good to hear that all is well down there. I am glad to know that if you need help, you'll ask for it instead of simply trying to tackle it on your own and screw up like Luster would. I knew Sugar Belle was the right choice to be a vice head mare since she is smart, helpful, caring and is good at making sweets. I am shocked about Iron Will though, I thought for sure that he would have transformed all the students into narcissistic jerks and he would have had to be replaced.

That is very nice that you decided to adopt a cat, especially a black one. Black cats are often times adopted less frequently than others because so many ponies buy into these stupid superstitions that are featured in the My Little Human comic books. It makes me cringe to think about things like that but I am happy that your cat seems happy.

Now you be sure and tell Shadow that I am happy that he scratched Luster. I am hoping that he hates her as much as my sister does because from what my hot sister tells me, she is undeserving of being liked by anypony, anycat or anyone for that matter. Now be sure and punish her in one way or another for not doing her job. Hell I will loan you a whip so you can whip her OR maybe you could con the spa twins to put out for you instead of her! I don't know if you'd be up for having fun with the spa girls but I know they'd like you a whole lot more!

Now I will be sure and talk to my sister about Luster's sorry job performance and her cursing my sister's name. Oh this is going to be so much fun!

Happy Your Cat Scratched Luster,

Starlight

To My Sub-Par Student,

Well Luster, I have heard some rather interesting news. I have heard that you didn't show up one Sunday, you have been doing a poor job, you have been cursing Starlight's and my name and I heard you harassed Bright Beam's cat. Now all of that is 100% unacceptable. I am not even sure what the hell to do with you anymore but do know this, I think Starlight is going to contact the spa twins and tell them to toss you to the side and engage in sexy times with Bright Beam instead. I know Bright Beam is pure and all but if Starlight convinces the spa hotties to put out for her and she also convinces Bright Beam to have fun with them, she'll do it. I personally hope she does so she'd have fun on Sundays and you'd be with nopony who will put out for you!

Tell you what though, I'll let you out of cleaning Bright Beam's house since you do a shitty job to start with, well that and I have my concerns that you would steal things. Anyway, have fun not having anypony who will put out for you loser!

Your Superior,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Twibitch,

Oh yes, just because I'm not little miss perfect like Bright Beam you're going to take the one thing that makes me happy away and give it to her. I honestly don't get why the hell you hate me so much. I get it, I'm not an ass kisser and I don't approve of you and your sister bucking all the time but still, you could allow me to have a little bit of happiness down here. Oh well, I can still try to lure Bunny Tracks into my needy hooves or if I can catch Diamond Tiara while she is alone, I know she'll put out for me. Maybe I need to just force some Luster into Silver Spoon's life and then her, Diamond and I could have a threesome. In the mean time, go to Tartarus. I'm not in any mood to write more.

Pissed at you,

Luster Dawn

Aloe and Lotus,

You know how you have been putting out for my shitty, sub-par bitchy protege? Well I am issuing an executive order that you are to deny her, all the time. I have decided that you shall put out for my sister's protege, Bright Beam instead. I don't know how often she will want it but I'm sure once she experiences you two, she'll want to spend every single Sunday with you! Contact her and let her know that you'll give her all the loving she could ever imagine, alright? Anyway, I have to go because Starlight and I have to do some much needed bonding.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

That sounds like a good plan. We do not find Luster all that attractive, she does nothing but bitch and complain all the time and she won't engage in any of the activities that we enjoy doing together. We have seen Bright Beam and we do find her attractive and have heard good things about her. Don't worry, we will get in touch with her and hopefully she'll join us.

Thankful,

Aloe and Lotus

The Spa Twins' New Lover (S1 E15)

Dear Bright Beam,

Hi, we know that you don't know us but Twilight told us to contact you. She has told us that we are to deny Luster and put out for you instead. We have seen you around and we both think you are incredibly hot! Come over on Sunday, early, and we can have lots of fun! We have heard you are innocent and pure but we can change that! Just come over and allow us to give you the time of your life!

Love,

Aloe and Lotus

Aloe and Lotus,

While this is something I never imagined I would do, I will come over on Sunday. I have been innocent and pure for so long and I really want to let my mane down. I am looking forward to seeing you girls on Sunday. I can't wait to share my horn with you!

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Dear Aloe and Lotus,

Oh my goodness, I never once imagined all the things we did together even existed. Your pussies are so hot, wet and tight! Your walls felt so good around my horn and I'm glad you let me cast those spells to delay your orgasms, the spells to tighten your walls and everything else. I must admit, you two taste so good too, you are so sweet and tasty!

Trust me girls, I will be coming over every single Sunday and I'm sure there will be plenty of times that I need your lovin' so who knows, I may drop by unannounced some night. Also, during school breaks, I may just decide to move in with you and we could do everything we love non-stop! Well I shall see you on Sunday girls!

Loving you so Much,

Bright Beam

Bright Beam,

We loved everything that we did together. You taste so good, your horn feels so good inside of us and we love those spells you cast! They made it even better! Now we shall see you next Sunday EARLY. Don't be late, we want as much time with you as possible.

Love,

Aloe and Lotus

Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

Hi, this is Aloe and Lotus, the spa twins down in Ponyville and we recently had quite the experience with your protege. We must say, unlike Twilight's protege, Bright Beam is so hot, so nice and she is already doing stuff with us that Luster Dawn absolutely refused to do! We have discussed it and Sundays will be the day when she comes over and spends the whole day with us. Everything we do is wonderful! She gives us horn sex, we suck on her horn, we eat each other and she knows these spells to make us feel like queens! Thank you for sending Bright Beam our way, it sounds like the three of us will be doing this often, very often. We'd love it if someday she wanted us as marefriends and this would become part of our everyday lives.

Again Thanks,

Aloe and Lotus

Dear Aloe and Lotus,

Well since you already seem to have grown so close with my protege, just feel free to call me Starlight. Now I will admit that I am shocked that you two got Bright Beam to do so many unorthodox things, things like what my sister and I do with one another. Now I do have a feeling that you two will become a huge part of her life but don't forget, she will still put her job first so don't expect her to pay you a visit during school hours or when she takes the students on a field trip. Thanks though for bringing so much joy into my protege's life and taking her innocence away!

Starlight

Dear Bright Beam,

Well I heard from the spa twins and I must say that I didn't expect you to do those sorts of things with them, especially the those spells that you never told me you knew. Luster however, I know she could never do spells like that because she is not only too dumb to do so but she is also too much of a stick in the mud. Now this might sound bad but I do hope that you'll rub it into Luster's face that you and the spa twins have so much fun. I'm going to let you in on a little secret though, those little hotties are hoping you'll be marefriends some day. If that happens, I'll cast longevity spells on all three of you and you can do this for thousands of years....or if you accomplish some great feat in the future, I'd be willing to not only turn you into an immortal Alicorn but your spa hotties too. Anyway, I'm glad to see your innocence is gone and again, be sure and rub all this in Luster's face!

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

I had a feeling that Aloe and Lotus would write you and tell you about our experience but I never imagined they'd go into so much detail and I certainly didn't expect them to want to be marefriends right away! I will admit, I'd love to bag them and have the three of us be exclusive. I do want to admit another thing about them, I discovered they share the same bed and get it on very often. Now that makes me so hot, incestuous sisters are so sexy! Now don't worry, I'm not going to go expecting you and Twilight to give me a porno or anything. Now don't worry about me not taking my job seriously though, my job will always come first. There will likely be times that my duties will come first but I know the spa twins will understand. Thanks for telling me this though, I'll ask them to be my marefriends the next time I see them.

Soon to Be the Spa Hotties' Marefriend,

Bright Beam

Luster,

Guess what? You know how Twilight ordered the spa twins to tell you to go to Tartarus and be my lovers instead? Well that has happened and they are so good! They even told me how much better I am than you because I don't bitch about anything and we have already done so many more things together than you ever did with them. You want to know why? They love me because I'm open to some rather freaky things, things that a stick in the mud like you would cringe at....trust me, they told me about some things that you refused to do and said you are boring and no fun. Oh well, my Sundays are going to be perfect now because the spa twins are closing on them and devoting every waking moment to me! That's pretty sweet, huh? Oh well, maybe one of those acquaintances of yours will break and degrade herself into putting out for you. Have fun trying to seduce them loser!

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

P.S. You want to know something else? Aloe and Lotus are actually twin sisters and getting it on with twin sisters is so exciting! Damn I love them so much already!

Bright Bitch,

First off I'm going to say this, is Twibitch giving you lessons on thinking you are superior or something? Your letter sounds like what a light version of her would write, you thinking you're so much better than me. About the spa skanks, let me guess, you three ate one another and did who knows what else together. I figured that you'd be into deviant shit like that given who you're so close to. You know, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if Twilight and Starlight aren't related to you, at least distantly. Now just leave me alone now, I am in no mood to communicate with you. You stole my lovers, the incest sisters love you and you constantly make me look bad....just leave me the fuck alone.

Luster Dawn

P.S. Wait a minute, those two are sisters? Ugh, that is absolutely disgusting and now I'm glad I never did anything beyond simply sucking on their tits. With the way you like getting it on with incestuous sisters, you'll probably be begging Twibitch and Starbitch to let you join them. I thought you were horrible before but now you are absolutely disgusting yet everypony fucking loves you. Hell maybe I should spill the beans about your deviant behavior, NOPONY would want anything to do with you then!

Special: Luster Spills the Beans

To the Ponyville Express

As many of you know, I am Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle's protege and I am writing this to expose her for everything she has done and is doing. I don't know how many of you know this but she along with her sister, Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer buck each other and buck often. They don't even deny it or try to hide it. I personally think that they enjoy everypony knowing that they are incestuous and hell, even Starlight's protege, Bright Beam has stated that she thinks it is cool that they express their love the way they do. Now that is flat out sick! It is sickening that anypony would find incest as cool.

Regarding Bright Beam, are all of you aware that Twilight, despite me being her protege, shows favoritism to Bright Beam? Are you aware that she wound up stealing the spa twins away from me and gave them to Bright Beam? It is true, despite them initially giving me a whole day of non-stop pampering, Twilight ordered them to deny me and give all their loving to Bright Beam.

Now for what is truly horrible, just last week Bright Beam went to the spa on Sunday morning and didn't leave until late Monday night and the spa wasn't open that day either. I caught Bright Beam walking home from the spa and she reeked of jasmine which is an aphrodisiac that makes ponies want to buck more! Just think about this Ponyville, the so-called perfect little angel that runs the friendship school SKIPPED a day of work just so her and the spa twins could continue to buck!

I also have my own suspicions when it comes to those spa twins. They aren't known as twins for nothing. I can guarantee that they are sisters and when they still gave me loving, they talked about how they are biological, fraternal twin sisters and like to buck each other, exactly like Twilight and Starlight. It is no wonder that Bright Beam finds them so hot, she loves incestuous sisters. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if Bright Beam isn't somehow related to Twilight and Starlight given her fraternal twin sister fetish.

Now I think that we need to let the creatures of the world know that a completely amoral pony is running the friendship school. I say we should write to all of them and let them know that the head mare there skipped a day of work just to buck the spa twins AND we need to boycott the spa since they put Bright Beam ahead of their other customers. There is a whole lot of corruption not only in the royal family but in the friendship school too.

Now for another horrible thing Starlight's little angel does. Did you know that when she takes the students on field trips to Las Pegasus that she goes and gambles? What is worse is that she always hits it big on slot machines. Hell I wouldn't doubt it if she uses her magic on those slot machines and gets away with it because she is Starlight's protege. Those incestuous pony sisters up there in Canterlot are so loved that I know a casino would let one of their lackeys get away with anything.

Now don't you think that I would make a far better head mare than Bright Beam? I do because while I may be a bit unpleasant at times, at least I don't skip days of work to buck the spa twins and I don't find incestuous ponies hot. I think everypony should write the incest sisters and demand that they take her back up there and put me in as head mare instead! Don't you think the students at the school should no longer be taught by a pony with no morals? If so, either demand Starlight takes her home or simply run her out of town yourselves and then I can take over as head-mare instead! We don't want creatures, albeit inferior ones, from all around the world being exposed to such filth now do we?

Luster Dawn

Feel free to respond to Luster in your own way.

Special: Responses to Luster's Letter

Luster,

Well I read your letter to the editor and I must say, I am not impressed. You remind me of so many of my proteges, so many of them had your type of attitude and I had to let them go. You remind me of one that I will simply refer to as Bacon Mane. She had your type of attitude, that of a spoiled brat who felt the world owed you everything. Now I do have some advice for you, do not go talking about how you think you could ascend yourself into an Alicorn and perhaps rule Equestria one day. The bacon maned pony talked about that but then ultimately she ran away through a mirror like a spoiled bitch and is now a biped with discolored skin with no magic. Oh well, I guess you could be like Radiant Hope and hate me for banishing her best friend into the ice of the Arctic North. Just like I used to tell my best protege, one I hold very dear now, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

Princess Celestia

Luster,

You know something, you must be a truly special kind of stupid. Nopony in their right mind would say such things about their mentor, especially when that mentor and her sister have infinite powers. Now I would love nothing more than to see them cast you into Tartarus or turn you into stone but I know that Goddess-Queen Twilight likely enjoys playing with you too much to simply cut ties with you. You do know though that insulting the royal family has backfired on certain ponies in the past. Who knows, maybe you can face the same fate that butterfly butt did for insulting the royal family. Forget it, keep it up because I know that my friends and I could have so much fun with you! I've seen you and you're not all that attractive but keep things up and you can meet four very long horns!

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Luster,

You know, you need to stop with this now. I know you wanted to force your horn into me and luckily Discord was there to stop you but if you don't want to face my fate, stop insulting your mentor. From what I understand, you are literally her property so Goddess-Queen Twilight could do whatever she wanted to you. At one time she actually created a title for me and one of my friends and gave us to Colgate and I know she would have absolutely no problems doing the same to you. Now I personally wouldn't mind seeing Colgate horn rape you but I'm just warning you.

Fluttershy

Luster,

You need to just get over yourself already. I get it, you're upset that Twilight sent you down here to set up the festival for her and Starlight but that is no reason to go dragging my name through the mud. Perhaps if you would show Twilight some respect she might consider freeing you from your banishment even though you are the embodiment of a spoiled, self-centered foal of rich snobs. Now regarding me, Aloe and Lotus, what we do is our own business although I do think you're just jealous. Oh and Ponyville, don't ever hire Luster to be your maid. She was mine for a brief while and she didn't do a good job and she harassed my cat.

Head Mare of the School of Friendship, Bright Beam

Luster,

You're just begging to have to pay a visit to Dr. Colgate and her friends aren't you? Keep this up and I'll see to it that they are even rougher with you than they are with that slutty little thing that used to be my bootie-call. Hell I'm sure I could convince those four to let her take you too. I know she is wanting to dominate somepony so badly and you might just wind up being the one that would be horn raped by FIVE ponies! My advice to you, keep your mouth shut and don't go bashing me in the paper and you might escape that fate. Keep it up and you will suffer that fate. Now if you weren't such an ugly little thing my sister and I would take you but we do have standards and you don't meet them!

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

A Freakish Arrival (S1 E16)

Dear Twibitch,

Well things could be worse I suppose but I'm still pissed over losing the spa twins to Starbitch's precious, ass-kissing protege but recently we had some crazy shit go down here in Ponyville. These saucer shaped things landed in the middle of town and then these bipedal freaks came out of them. I decided to go approach the damn things and they were asking for you and Starlight. Now I know a bit about them and what happened after your sorry ass ascended so I told them that you two became recolors of your bitchy mother hoping that they would leave me alone.

Now that was a fucking mistake because they suddenly wanted me, ewww....gross! The bastards groped me, told me that they loved me and even said that they wanted to marry me since you're a fucking Mary Sue now. I tried to use my magic to blast them away but all I was able to do was get a few sparks out of my horn I was so freaked out. But then, like she always fucking does, Bright Beam came rushing out of the school and unleashed her magic on them. It wasn't long until they got back in their saucers and took off but Bright Beam just had to be a showoff and blast them out of the sky. Now many ponies may think she was fucked up but I know you'll love her for it because they died in the crash and she was dancing around their remains shouting something about how they fucked with the wrong planet or some shit like that.

And of course after that she went back to her cushy job and after that went to the spa and did who knows what with those slutty spa twins. *shudders* I probably don't even want to know given what a deviant she is. Oh well, fuck finishing this letter. I'm going to go and try to initiate Bunny Girl.

Upset,

Luster Dawn

Luster,

Seriously, you mean to tell me that those freaky things actually exist and aren't just a creation of comic books? Well shit, I was really hoping they didn't exist and even if they did, that they'd never find a way to Equestria. Well I would like to thank you for telling them that Starlight and I are just like our mother so they'll leave us alone. Now I do find it funny that they suddenly wanted you! You know Luster, you should have just put out for them because so far, outside of Diamond Tiara, nopony would ever want you. Hell I may find a way to summon more of them solely so that they can come and stalk you some more.

I know you are bitching about this but I'm betting you were secretly loving all that attention those things were giving you. Now why the hell they'd want you is beyond me but hey, it beats them wanting Bright Beam right? Speaking of Bright Beam, I am very happy that she took care of them. This reminds me so much of how things were before we became Goddess-Queens. Starlight would always outshine me and now it is a matter of her protege outshining mine. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though. Bright Beam came from a working class family while you are nothing more than the foal of rich scum.

Well I must get going because Starlight and I are having a cake delivered to us and I really don't want her eating all of it....now of course we'll have each other for dessert! Maybe one day if you're lucky Diamond Tiara or Bunny Tracks will be your dessert but I wouldn't count on it. In closing, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

Disappointed in you (Again),

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Luster's First Map Mission (S1 E17)

Dear Twibitch,

Well that map of yours finally decided to send me on a mission, well me and Diamond Tiara. It sent us out to the badlands east of town because apparently there was something going on with the diamond dogs. What I would like to know is why would the map give a shit about such inferior creatures, creatures that would likely be best if we went out and euthanized?

Well the good thing was that it send me with Diamond Tiara. With Silver Spoon not going to be present, I immediately realized that this may give me the chance to initiate her and make her my first friend! Ok, back to the dumb dogs, well as it turned out two of them were fighting over a female diamond dog and who should get to mate with her. Seriously, now that map is sending ponies out on missions to handle the mating practices of inferior creatures? After that, I thought maybe this was just the map trolling me or seeing if we were up to handling animal mating practices.

Well in the end we told the female diamond dog to mate with the more muscular one because he likely has better genetics. Now you see, I did learn something up there in school! I learned that the most fit creatures should be the ones to pass on their genetics to offspring. Now yeah, the less fit diamond dog was unhappy but oh well, I pointed him out to a scrawny female diamond dog and they got it on so both of them got laid! That way they were all happy.

Now for the best part, on our way home Diamond Tiara and I began to talk about the whole experience and how romance between ponies may work. Well I swatted her flank and you're not going to believe this, she begged me to take her to my castle so we could talk further. Well I did just that and after some sweet talking and a bit of a seduction spell, I hauled her up to my sleeping chambers and initiated her! Damn you suck Twibitch. It took you over five years to finally get a friend and now Diamond Tiara and I have decided to be friends with benefits! She went on and on about how wonderful my horn feels in her and how I am a much better kisser than Silver Spoon!

So all I can say is ha-ha Twibitch! I have more acquaintances than you and I got a special friend much quicker than you. Just you wait, I'll likely ascend quicker and overthrow you and Starbitch within a couple years. I'm going to have to be sure and tell Starbitch's little protege about this because I know she will be so envious of me! She may have two special friends but unlike Diamond Tiara, they were basically forced by you two to put out AND Diamond Tiara is rich! Maybe she'll be my meal ticket to get out of having to do as you say!

Diamond Tiara's Bestie With Benefits,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Well first off, good job on completing that map mission even though it did involve lowly creatures that should not be reproducing at all. Well enough about the boring as hell part of this. I am shocked with what happened between you and Diamond Tiara. I am surprised that you two formed a special kind of bond but let me tell you what proves that you are still just as undesirable as ever, your use of a seduction spell.

I find it absolutely pathetic that you had to use a seduction spell on that little bitch just so she'll put out for you. Now I don't know how this spell worked but when it wears off and she kicks you to the curb, I will laugh. I'm pretty sure Silver Spoon will use their past and a bit of charm to make her forget all about you! Then you'll go right back to being the annoying bitch that Diamond will only want to have to put up with if it is necessary.

Oh and about you ascending quicker than me, not going to happen. If you honestly think that you'll ever be deserving of getting wings you are delusional. Now I have a feeling that my oh-so sexy sister is already planning that for Bright Beam and I think she is deserving of it already but you, NEVER! You're much closer to me biting your horn off, having it shoved up your filthy little ass and being turned to stone than anything else so just drop the ascension thing, ok bitch?

Surprised You Initiated Somepony,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Luster,

Well let me start off by saying that I am not happy with your map. Do you know how disgusting it was to have to speak to those lowly diamond dogs and how gross the very thoughts of them mating is? Well at least this all over and done but now on to something more important.

I am so happy you grabbed my flank and convinced me to come with you to your castle. Your horn feels so good in me and the way you thrusted me made me feel like a queen. Now I know why unicorns have more fun, you have horns to give your partners pleasure with. I also love how you decided we should eat each other. I thought it would be totally gross but you taste so good and now all I can think about is your horn and how good you taste. The hell with Silver Spoon, you're the only one that is good enough for me now! I do hope we can have our trysts often, very often!

Your Bestie With Benefits,

Diamond Tiara

Dear Diamond Tiara,

I'm sorry about the map and the diamond dogs but that thing works in very annoying ways. I just hope the damn thing never makes us have to deal with Twibitch or Starbitch because both of them hate me and will likely hate you now too given what happened.

Now I will say this, your pussy is nice, tight, wet and hot so you can have as much of my horn as you want and you taste really good too. Hell I'm honestly thinking of perhaps moving you in with me because then we can have fun every single night and if neither one of us having anything to do, I can send Spike to go bug Sweetie Bitch and then we can lock ourselves in my chambers and we can make each other happy all day long!

Your New Lover,

Luster Dawn

Dear Bright Beam,

Guess what loser, you know how Starbitch basically made the spa sluts be your lovers? Well I got myself one without any royal intervention. You know the rich mare Diamond Tiara? Well we went on a map mission, bonded and then headed up to my chambers and had all sorts of fun. The spa twins may be your lovers but Diamond Tiara and I are actually friends! I was able to initiate her and now we are besties with benefits. I'll bet that you'll never get that with those slutty spa twins. All you'll get out of them is weekly bucking sessions, they'll never truly want you! Hell I can just imagine this, give it a couple weeks and Diamond Tiara and I will be marefriends! Now that will be fucking sweet!

Diamond Tiara's Lover,

Luster Dawn

Luster,

Look, I have much bigger things to worry about than you bucking one of the rich bitches. I have papers to grade and then I need to let the maids know that they'll have to take care of Shadow for a few days because I'm taking the students on a field trip to Las Pegasus....and knowing my luck, I'll win big again!

Ready to Win Big Again,

Bright Beam

A Family Affair (S1 E18)

Dear Starlight and Twilight,

As you know, it has been years since we have seen each other and I am not one bit happy! I know my girls are busy ruling Equestria and engaging in sisterly bonding all the time but still, is it too much for you to drop by and visit your poor mother and your Aunt Luna? Now if you don't come and visit us soon, I do have my ways to punish you for it.

Here is the thing girls, I could contact Thundercloud and have him undo those ascension spells. Just think, you'd go from being infinitely powerful to being two above average power Alicorns while my sister and I would resume control of the throne. Now I do want you to know another thing, Luna has finally let her mane down so if it will entice you any, we'll put on a porno for you. Also though, I do still want you girls and I'm still upset that you wouldn't put out for your poor mother before your coronation. Now come visit or else!

Wanting You to Visit,

Celestia

Dear Mom,

Look, we have been incredibly busy. We have all sorts of shit to put up with being rulers of Equestria. We have summits to deal with, we have daily court to deal with, we have our friendship schools to deal with and of course we have proteges to monitor. We do suppose though that we can pay you a visit and mom, you do know that we are infinitely powerful, right? You also forget that we have Grogar's bell locked away in the restricted section and we could simply carry it with us at all times. If he was to come here, we'd just steal all his magic and then your sorry threat would mean nothing.

We have often regretted not putting out for you though. Hell we're even thinking of having Bright Beam, her spa twins and you come up here for a six way but yeah, we'll come down there but do know this, we will dominate you! Your daughters will own you and there isn't a thing you can do about it!

Ready to Dominate You,

Your oh-so-sexy Daughters

Dear Mom,

Well we must say that our visit was definitely worth it! You always pretended to be so tough and acted like you dominated everypony except Dr. Colgate but how did it feel to have your daughters owning you? We know you have wanted us to come and dominate you the way we did for a very long time and guess what? Because of this visit, we have decided to come and visit you and Aunt Luna very often! Hell we might even bring Bright Beam with us because I know she would own you too!

Also, we are so glad to see that Luna finally let her mane down. Watching you two get it on made us both so hot and our Auntie Luna is just as good in the sack as you! We have been talking and we can't help but wonder, what if we were to use a fertility spell on you and knocked you up? Would your foal be our half-sister/brother or child or would it be both? We think that would be kind of funny but don't worry, we don't have any plans on actually doing it. Starlight kind of wants to knock up both sap twins and Twilight wants to age regress Rarity and knock her up. Again thanks for all the fun and we'll be back much sooner than you think!

Your Sexy Daughters,

Starlight and Twilight

To My Sexy Daughters,

My oh my, I am so happy you came to visit. Now you see what you denied yourselves of on that night before your coronation? You see what you have been denying yourself of for so many years? Had you two just shared your bodies with me that night, we could have been doing this ever since you became Goddess-Queens! Now I will admit, my girls are so tasty and I absolutely love your horns! Luna and I are both sure that you loved our horns too and found us to be delicious! After all, you two wouldn't have sucked on us like a newborn sucks on its mamas tits if you didn't!

Now this is beyond sweet, my girls are even more incestuous! Not only do you buck each other but you also buck your mama and your aunt! Our royal family truly is something special, isn't it? What a shame neither one of you will either have any foals (fillies only) because once she would get old enough, you could be incestuous too! Knowing the freaky things you two are into, I can see you using fertility spells to make sure that happens. Oh and Starlight, you really should start getting it on with Bright Beam if you are to really be like your mama! I did that with my proteges all the time and if you are to truly carry on my legacy, you'll have to buck her. Twilight, you need to do the same but at least wait until you get a protege that isn't the byproduct of two horrible ponies before you do that. Hell for now you can just buck one of your regular students because that filthy little Luster Ditz or whatever her name is is unfit to get laid by anypony! Now come and see mama again soon girls!

Ready to Buck You Again,

Your Hot Mommy Tia

Missing Cheese (S1 E19)

To a Horrible Leader Who Bucks Her Sister,

Well once again some ponies down here are proving how truly unworthy of living they are. Here recently, that Cheese kid wound up running away from home. His idiot mom, even worse of an idiot dad and those useless Cake twins were too distraught to go looking for him so guess who had to go searching for him? If you picked me and my acquaintances, you are correct.

I first asked them why the hell they didn't go ask Bright Bitch for help since she is perfect at everything but it was a Sunday and they know about her schedule and the spa twins told them to go to hell because Bright Beam was "busy." That fucking little whore just had to cause me to be inconvenienced. Well we all headed into the Everfree Forest because we thought that is where he would be. It took us forever but we finally found him in that tree house thing that those loser students grew and get this, he was surrounded by cockatrices and they turned him to stone.

Now I wanted to simply say, "Fuck this shit" and go home but my acquaintances just had to go back to town and find Silverstream since she knows how to communicate with those things. Now she was busy doing something at the school but we got her to join us on this quest. Well she got the things to turn that Cheese kid back and we headed home.

Now when I hauled that bratty, ovelry hyper foal home, his parents wanted to throw a party. I want to know something, does ADHD run in that family or what? Whatever it is, I had no desire to stay for a party ran by three mental defects....no make that five because those Cake twins seem really fucked up in the head too. Anyway, once I got done with things I simply headed home but I would be equally as pissed when I learned that Spike was visiting Sweetie Belle because Rarity was in town so I had to cook my own food. Now I think that warrants Spike being traded in for a newer, obedient model. He is my slave and he should not be running off to get laid when I need him here to do things that are beneath me! Now I demand that you go find a dragon egg for me to hatch or I quit!

Needing a New Dragon,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster Bitch,

Oh good grief, you write me to tell me something this trivial? Ok, I get it, you had to go out and do something that would be beneath Bright Beam but remember this, I own you and doing lowly shit like that is your job! Even though Pinkie's kid is just as much of a mental defect as his mother and father (who STILL owes money in fines), I am glad the six, well seven of you, were able to get that kid fixed and taken back home.

What a shame those cockatrices didn't turn you to stone. Had they done so, I would have left you encased in it for a few years and let the birds shit all over you before getting one of those things to free you. Also, just because you think Spike should be catering to your every need does not mean he has to. With Rarity being in town, it is perfectly fine that he ran off and likely got laid.

Oh and regarding Spike, he is not a stagecoach and you can't trade him in. I don't know how many times my mom told me that when he would fuck up in one way or another but I'm telling you the same thing and FYI, finding dragon eggs is beneath my sister and I so that ain't our problem. He isn't perfect and he knows that you aren't deserving of him catering to your every need and you need to realize the same thing. Now I would tell you to go see the spa twins but they only give their loving to Bright Beam so you'll just have to hoof yourself or go find Diamond Tiara to unwind with. Now I will say this, "damn it sucks to be you!"

Your Owner,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

I had always heard what a meany-mean hooves that Luster Dawn is and she proved it when she and her acquaintances had to go and find Little Cheese! As you know, they found Little Cheese but then she was a total bitch and declined our invitation to a "You found Little Cheese" party. She said something about what a bitch you are and that she wanted some real food and headed home. Oh well, putting up with her would have made it the most un-fun party ever.

Glad Little Cheese is Home,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie,

Guess what, I don't care that your bratty foal ran away from home. In an ideal world he would have been eaten by timberwolves but I guess we can't win them all. Now for you needing the services of my shit for brains protege and her equally as horrible acquaintances, I am hereby fining you 5,000 bits. I am also adding a 500 bit fine for inconveniencing me with having to write you back and 90 cents for the postage. Now pay up or I'm taking that kid of yours away because you are a horrible mother.

Now I do have a bone to pick with that deadbeat husband of yours. You see, he still owes the ERS 300,000 bits from the amount my sexy mom fined him. Now I have learned that his factory has yet to reduce its carbon emissions by 95% so that will be another 200,000 bit fine. Fun thing is, that is just off of my mom's fine! What I want is a zero emission factory so this will be another 250,000 bit fine. As of right now, I am ordering that factory of his shut down until he can get it to zero emissions. Also, a lot of the stuff produced there is STILL winding up in landfills and will probably take 10,000 years at least to biodegrade. Now I am ordering that all products made there be biodegradable to where they will last no longer than 50 years in a landfill. Failure to comply with that will be another 200,000 bit fine, PER ITEM!

Also, I am fining him 1,000 bits for inconveniencing me and taking me away from much important things, such as sisterly bonding with my hot to trot sister. I am also fining you 90 cents for the postage. No pay up in one week or I'm seizing that kid of yours and pawning him off on Luster. You certainly don't want your precious Little Cheese being raised by my bitchy protege now do you?

Fining You a Lot of Money,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and Pinkie, I am also fining you another 100 bits because "un-fun" is not a word. Next time you write me, make sure you don't use made up words because the next fine will be 1,000 bits!

Educational Disharmony (S1 E20)

Dear Starlight,

Well I am not the least bit happy right now. Here recently all the students at the school started fighting, it was primarily different creatures fighting with one another. I couldn't help but wonder why they started fighting when they had always got along so well. I learned that many of them had gone to the counselor's office so I decided to confront Iron Will over this. I thought that maybe he was behind it.

He told me that he had nothing to do with their fighting but did let me know that he had seen an unfamiliar pink unicorn out interacting with the students during their recess. Well as it turns out it was Luster Dawn who had been poisoning their minds by telling them lies about what other students were telling her. After I learned this, I decided to go and confront the source of the school's problems.

Luster had the castle doors locked but since I know spells to unlock doors I stormed in there and interrogated that bitch over it. She refused to admit to it even though I told her that Iron Will saw her do it. I continued to yell at her and she continued to deny the accusations until I attacked her and dislocated one of her legs. After that, she admitted to it and she told me she did it because she was jealous and wanted me to lose my job. After that, I broke her muzzle before heading back to finish grading papers before going to the spa for a special appointment.

Well my spa appointment went as they normally do and I am much less stressed now! I do hope you're not too mad at me for putting Luster in her place.

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

I am not upset at all that you put Luster in her place. I am incredibly happy that you did something to make sure that she did not try and turn the students against one another again. I am even happier to hear about what all you did to her. Now as long as you don't kill her, feel free to punish her in any way you see fit if she ever sets hoof on school grounds again. After all, killing her would be my sexy sister's job.

Hopefully everything is back to normal at the school because such disharmony can not take place and we certainly don't want any kind of global war starting because of the lies Luster was feeding to the students. Oh and for putting Luster in her place, Twilight and I will come down there on Saturday and treat you to lunch. See you Saturday!

Happy You Beat Up Luster,

Starlight

Dear Luster,

Now you listen to me and you listen to me good you little bitch. I do not want you ever setting hoof on the grounds of the school of friendship again. Bright Beam informed me of your actions and do you know that you could have started a war by spreading lies among the non-pony students that their kingdoms wanted to attack one another? Do you know the kind of hell you could have caused for this world?

Now I am thrilled to know what Bright Beam did to you but if you don't stop trying to make life hell for her, I will come down there, rip your horn out with my teeth and then shove it so far up your ass you'll wind up tasting the shit all over it. While I am not your owner I am sure my hot to trot sister certainly wouldn't mind me coming down there and putting you through unknown levels of pain so if you value your safety, you'll quit with all this shit, got that bitch?

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starbitch,

Whatever. I know for a fact that if you was to do something to disable my magic that your slutty sister would not be happy and would likely quit putting out for you. Also, I am not happy because I went and filed an assault report against your little protege but that idiot police chief here told me to get over it! He told me that I was a liar because Bright Beam would never do anything like that. To top that off, he threatened to throw me in jail for six months for filing a false police report. Now he needs to be fired for not taking me seriously and if you think you can keep me away from the school, think again. From what I understand, it is your sister who created that place so unless I hear it from her, nopony can keep me away from it.

Pissed Off,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

You want to hear it from me? Well here you go, stay the hell away from the school and leave the students alone or I'll encourage Bright Beam to do anything except kill you. You should know that you could have started a war and if you would have done that, I would have either killed you myself or maybe fed you to the timberwolves. Now just stop being such a jealous little bitch and get over it, Bright Beam will always be better than you. If I didn't enjoy you being so miserable, I would simply kill you now but you haven't deserved the reward of death.

Enjoying Your Misery,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twiwhore,

What I would like to know is why the hell you hate me so much? You have done nothing but shit on me from the day you took me in. You would laugh when my schoolmates would horn rape me and I still remember that sex ed course you put me through where you let Colgate punish me for not putting enough icing on your cake that one time. I don't know why the hell you ever kept me as your protege since I have never done anything that is up to your standards. Hell you even treated my inferiors much better although that is probably because they were ass kissers who loved it that you and your sister buck all the time. Oh well fuck it, I don't care what you have to say but fine....I'll stay away from your precious school.

Mad that You Hate Me,

Luster Dawn

Luster's Step-Daughter (S1 E21)

To Equestria,

Right now we have a serious issue. We are not sure how it happened but somepony managed to free Cozy Glow from her stone prison. We are not sure if magic was used to free her or what but we do know that she couldn't have escaped on her own. If any of you see a light pink pegasus filly with a rook for a cutie mark, detain her and contact us so that we can get her sealed back in her prison. It would be greatly appreciated.

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer & Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Hey Twibitch,

Guess what, I just discovered that my magic is far better than yours, Starbitch's and Bright Bitch's. You want to know how I discovered that? Well I decided that I wanted a child to end up helping me overthrow you two, put you two in place and punish Bright Beam for how awful she has made me look over the years so I took a little trip up to Canterlot to try something out.

You see, I thought it was horrible that a filly was encased in stone so I went, did some studying and freed Cozy Glow using my superior magic. Don't worry, I left Tirek and Chrysalis alone but poor Cozy, being turned to stone simply for being a little power hungry. Needless to say, she was thrilled when I freed her and she was even happier when I told her that I'd find a way to turn her into an Alicorn someday. Right now her and I are growing close and she is helping me make Spike's life hell. Now he has to cook for two ponies with very high standards, not just one. Aren't you proud of me for accomplishing something that even you or your sister can't do?

What matters now though is that a poor innocent filly who was unjustly punished is now free. You want to know something even funnier, while we were up in Canterlot I got her birth records and I wound up adopting her. Now if you were to try and do anything to her, I'd let it be known that you kidnapped my step-daughter and punished her solely because you don't like me. Now you certainly wouldn't want that now, would you?

Cozy Glow's New Step-Mother,

Luster Dawn

Luster Bitch,

What? YOU are responsible for Cozy Glow escaping and you have adopted her? I don't know if you had even been born yet back when she caused so many problems but do you know that you are providing aid and comfort to one of Equestria's biggest villains? Not only is she a criminal but with you adopting her, YOU are now a villain too. If Starlight and I wanted to, we would be perfectly justified in turning the two of you to stone and putting you in the sculpture garden.

I will not do that though for the following reasons. On her own, Cozy Glow will pose no threat because we have locked up Grogar's bell in a place that she'd never find it and since she is just a pegasus, the only problems she could cause is being a bitch in school. I also am choosing against it because I am pretty sure that it won't be long until she drives you completely nuts. Hell, she might be so horrible to you that you'd either kill her in a very horrible way, which would be a crime punishable by being turned to stone or at least abuse her and the punishment for that would be being whipped 100 times under my balcony.

Now if Cozy Glow winds up being a good pony despite being in your care, her record will be cleared but your record, not so much! You will always have the crime of freeing a villain on your rap sheet. I would punish you for this but I think Cozy being a bitch to you will be sufficient. Have fun trying to raise a bitch loser!

Unhappy You Released Cozy Glow,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Mom,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you so much for freeing me from that stone prison. You are such a wonderful pony and I am so happy that not only will you take care of me but that you are planning on finding a way to turn me into an Alicorn! I am really good at finding things so maybe we could go looking for Grogar's bell because I know that I can find it and then we can share the magic in there. After that, we can take over Equestria and rule it my, I mean our way!

Your Loving Step-Daughter,

Cozy Glow

Dear Cozy Glow,

Well I figured that you should be freed because the way you punished was unjust. I know you teamed up with Tirek and Chrysalis but after they took your magic away with that lousy rainbow, you were completely harmless. I do want to let you know that Twilight and Starlight are not only ruling Equestria now but are infinitely powerful. Those two are often times distracted with sisterly bonding so getting into Canterlot Castle and finding that bell will be no problem for us. Now I will have to enroll you in school since it is kind of the law but I know you'll outshine all those losers in there. Now let's start making plans on finding that bell!

Your Loving Step-Mother,

Luster Dawn

Dear Twilight,

I'm baaaack! Thanks to your incredibly nice protege, I'm free like I should be. Now I will say that I'm not happy that you used that rainbow to steal me and my friends' magic! Perhaps that was for the best because now I can use your protege as an instrument to overthrow you and Starlight. Also, I know what you and Starlight used to do in her office and with both of you ruling the country, I bet you buck more often now.

I used to always think it was gross that you two used to do that but now maybe it isn't such a bad thing. I do think you should be nice to Luster though because she is a good pony who felt sorry for me and freed me. Just wait, she'll raise me to be a model citizen and then ponies will be wanting me to run the show instead of you two since I don't buck anypony I'm related to. Then you'll have to be nice to her!

Finally Free,

Cozy Glow

P.S. I think it is awesome that you buck your sister. Don't tell Luster this but I think it would be really fun to watch you two do it!

Cozy Glow,

Look, I know you're free but do realize that you are on extremely thin ice. What you did in the past was extremely bad, bad beyond belief but since Luster didn't free your friends and knows better, I hope, you won't be much of a threat. I think the worst thing you might do is either drive the local schoolteacher there to suicide or drive Luster so crazy she'll have to be locked away in a padded cell.

Let me tell you this though, you will never be ruling this country because my sister and I have infinite powers. I do think though that you are simply trying to sound tough so I have a deal for you. If you promise not to do anything bad, Starlight and I will clear your record. I like to think that most anypony can be redeemed and you are young enough that the evil can leave you. Now do me a favor and make my sub-par protege's life miserable, you won't regret it.

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. My sister and I will not put on a porno for you. We keep our sessions of sisterly bonding private, ok?

Dealing With Cats and Dogs (S1 E22)

Dear Twibitch,

Right now I am extremely pissed. Here I am, your protege, but I get excluded from an episode. I am supposed to be the star of this whole series yet I am getting tossed to the side in favor of Bunny Girl and that annoying squeaky voiced unicorn that can't sing worth shit. Curse that damn map, it should only send me and Diamond Tiara on missions! What made this all the worse is that my spell on Diamond wore off and now she only wants Silver Spoon again. Damn it, now I'm going to have to learn it better so I can cast a permanent spell on her.

Upset I was Excluded,

Luster Dawn

P.S. Oh well, it gave Cozy Glow and I some time to contemplate our return to Canterlot so we can retrieve what we need to render you and your buck sibling powerless and make us the most powerful ponies in existence.

Luster,

Alright, I've had it. You either start being formal with me or I'll come down there and drag your sorry ass up to Colgate and you sure the hell don't want that now do you? Guess what though, I don't give a shit that you were excluded. My incredibly sexy sister gets excluded a whole lot more than you and so does Bright Beam. Now quit your bitching with that or I'll haul you up here to Colgate as well and I know her and her friends would gladly tear you a few new assholes. Now quit your damn bitching and be formal with me, ok?

Your Owner,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I think it is hilarious that your spell wore off on Diamond Tramp. I know had Bright Beam cast that spell on her it would have been permanent but hey, unlike you, she does have standards and she doesn't need spells to keep the spa twins. She wows them with her assets and charm which is something you'll never have. Suck it up bitch, you'll just have to hoof yourself from now on!

Oh and by the way, what you are talking about is locked away so good that even your precious Cozy Glow could never find it. If we was to catch you, she'd go to the moon and you'd go to Colgate and I know you'd love what she'd do to you!

Goddess Queen Twilight Sparkle,

Well that map decided to put us up to a major test. It called us out to the border area between the land the diamond dogs call home and Abysinnia, home of the Abyssinians. What happened is that a couple diamond dogs climbed over the wall the Abyssinians secure their border with and tried to steal some gold from their treasury. Well they were taken captive and it was up to us to try and get those diamond dogs freed.

It was not nearly as easy as we thought. Those Abyssinians were making completely outlandish demands to free their captives and would not budge at all. They wanted to clear out half the diamond dogs' treasury but we finally got them talked down to 30% so we let those cats into the diamond dog capitol, they took what they wanted and released their captives. Before they would release them though, they forced the diamond dogs to sign something that stated if any other diamond dogs scaled the wall, they would turn them into cat food!

The Abyssinians did one more thing though, they militarized their side of the wall to keep anycreature from crossing it. Those cats seem to have a very large military and a very structured government while the diamond dogs hardly have any kind of government at all. We tried telling them they need some sort of government but they said setting one up would be too hard. They asked the Abyssinian king and queen to give them some ideas but they told them that their stupidity is not their problem. Talk about being mean.

Sincerely,

Sweetie Belle and Bunny Tracks

P.S. Those Abyssinians are so mean! Did you know that they will hunt cute little bunnies and eat them alive? They do the same to poor innocent squirrels, mice, rats and birds too. I don't think I want to have to put up with them anymore. -- Bunny Tracks

Dear Sweetie Belle and Bunny Tracks,

Well I am glad to see that you were able to complete your first map mission successfully. Yeah the diamond dogs and Abyssinians are quite different. You see, here is the thing. The Abyssinians are a world power (not as good as Equestria but still, a world power) because they have a strong government and an equally as strong military. I am shocked however that you were able to get the Abyssinians to reduce their demands though. I'm sure had Luster been sent on this, they would have either increased their demands or they would have simply attacked her and ate her alive. Hmmm....maybe the map will send her to have to deal with them sometime!

Oh and Bunny Tracks, I thought you would know that both cats and dogs are carnivorous. I would think you would know that they would hunt such creatures and eat them alive. You are just as bad as PETA Girl was when she forced a wolf in her sanctuary to eat carrots so he wouldn't eat an elephant....and she claimed to know so much about animals. I know you two are cousins but good grief, I didn't know you'd share her stupidity. The only difference between you two is that you don't have to worry about me wanting to get in your coat since I have my hot to trot sister. Hopefully next time the map won't send you to deal with carnivorous creatures.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Double Birthday (S1 E23)

Dear Luster Dawn,

Alright Luster, I know you screwed up the festival for my sister and I but you are getting a chance to redeem yourself. You see, our step-daughters, Princess Toolaroola and Princess Coconut Cream, have a birthday coming up and we have decided to hold it in Ponyville and I am demanding that you set it up. Also, I am going to make sure that Starlight doesn't have Bright Beam save the day in the event things were to go awry and she felt that she had to get things going right.

Now I am going to be frank here, Toola and Coconut mean a lot to us and you better be nice to them. They are Alicorn princesses and if they were to do something to you for any reason, both of us would be elated. I personally hope that they do and so does Starlight. Unlike you, they are precious little angels and would never do anything wrong. Now be sure and get this right and if you can pull it off, maybe I will consider letting you come home and not force friendship on you since you don't like it. Have fun setting it up!

Your Owner,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

Wait a minute, you two have step-daughters? What I would like to know is why the fuck you would just adopt two random ponies and turn them into Alicorns and make them princesses? You know something, that is flat out unfair! I am your protege and have done so much and while I hate to admit this, I think even Bright Beam would be more deserving than just a couple random ponies that you decided to adopt.

Now I don't know whether to believe you or not about you going to let me come home when I pull this off but I suppose I will lower myself to doing something that is beneath me. Now you do know that if I succeed and you don't let me come home, I will have my father sue you for lying to me. Well I suppose I should get to work.

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

I can't believe it but you actually managed to pull this festival off without a hitch! Toolaroola and Coconut Cream absolutely loved it. I am happy that you got the whole town together to put together a festival worthy of Toola's and Coconut's greatness. Hell even Cozy Glow was well behaved which is shocking given her past and how much she still hates me for not being a good friendship teacher.

Now as you know I said that you could come home if you put this together perfectly and you did. Now I was even starting the process of getting that study tower ready for you UNTIL I was going over your last letter and I noticed this.

What I would like to know is why the fuck you would just adopt two random ponies and turn them into Alicorns and make them princesses.

If you understood proper grammar, this is how it would have read.

What I would like to know is why the fuck you would just adopt two random ponies, turn them into Alicorns and make them princesses.

You see, when you make a list that involves multiple items like that, you use commas to separate the items with the exception of the second to last item and then the last item. You do not simply separate all of them with the word "and." Because of that, I have decided that you can not come home because you have to use grammar correctly to go on to what would be MY advanced studies up here. I'm sorry Luster, well not really, but you can't come home.

You were so close! I should have known that even in succeeding in one thing, you would find a way to disappoint me in another. Oh well, maybe you can cast a seduction spell on Bunny Tracks and she can make you happy. I doubt it would work but you can always try!

Laughing at You,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. For your precious daddy to be able to sue me, we would have had to have a legal document. A mere statement in a letter won't get you anywhere and besides, no judge in his or her right mind would even take on a case against me so tough luck there!

Fuck you Twibitch,

Seriously? I pull off a perfect festival without the help of Starbitch's little angel and you won't let me come home over a simple grammatical error? You know something, that is flat out fucked up. I did what you wanted, pulled it off yet you still shit on me. I think I know why you did this though. It is a matter of you hating it that I don't support your incestuous relationship with your sister or you are still mad because I once didn't put enough icing on your cake.

Once again I don't know why I fucking try. You treat me like shit, Spike is a disobedient asshole, Diamond Tiara threw me under the bus, I can't initiate Bunny Girl and Bright Beam is always fucking outshining me. The only pony out there who gives even a tenth of a shit about me is Cozy Glow and knowing what a schemer she is, I'm not sure if even she will always be on my side. I can see a day coming where she will stab me in the back and try to win over your favor and just to spite me, I could see you actually doing it.

Well fuck this shit, I'm done with this letter. Cozy Glow and Spike are wanting to play this game called Ogres and Ouliettes and if I don't agree, they'll both make my life hell.

Upset You Won't Let Me Come Home,

Luster Dawn

Dear Mom,

We are very happy that you had that huge festival for us down in Ponyville. We must admit, it is a nice community and most of the ponies there are nice. We say most because that protege of yours, Luster Ditz is it, was complaining about you and Starlight adopting us. She continued to whine about us being Alicorns and being princesses. Then she made some sort of snide comment about you and Starlight loving each other. We told her that is how moms are, they love each other in many ways even if they are sisters!

Anyway, thanks again for the festival but there is one more thing we think you should know. You know that pink pony with the balloons on her butt? She told us to ask you to please forgive all the fines you put on her and that annoying husband of hers. Neither one of us think you should do it simply because they are annoying.

Your Step-Daughters,

Toolaroola and Coconut Cream

Girls,

You're welcome and we are very happy that you enjoyed it. Don't worry about Luster, she is just the child of a couple rich ponies and was always used to being given everything on a silver platter until she got accepted into my school. Now regarding the party ponies, I will never forgive them of those fines because of the crimes they have committed against Equestria. Starlight and I will have to teach you about how some things damage the environment for you to fully understand it. Besides, if we let them off the hook that would be that much less money coming in to fund further festivals for you two.

Love,

Mom

P.S. You don't have to call yourselves step-daughters, just call yourselves daughters.

Flight at Last! (S1 E24)

Dear Bright Beam,

Thank you so much! Thank you so much for doing enough studying that you were able to cast that permanent wing growth spell on me. Now I can fly just like Rainbow Dash and from what I understand, she is going to try to get me a tryout to be in the Wonderbolt Reserves so maybe one day I can be a Wonderbolt just like her! You have no idea how wonderful it is to finally be able to soar through the skies like all the other pegasi can.

Now that bitch protege of Twilight's will no longer be able to call me a defect! I have been flying around quite a bit since you cast that spell, building up those wing muscles. Now I still remember how horrible Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were to me as a filly because my wings never grew but now, I think I might just finally rub it in their faces! Yeah they're earth ponies who will never get off the ground unless I carry them but I still kind of hate them for how they made me nearly destroy the friendships I have with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.

Happy You Gave Me Big Wings,

Scootaloo

Dear Scootaloo,

Well I felt bad for you. You are an adult pony who couldn't fly and I felt that was a grave injustice that nature cursed upon you. Don't worry, these wings will be permanent and I'm certain that you'll wind up in the Wonderbolts one day. If Rainbow Dash helps coach you in learning how to use those new wings, I know you'll be a Wonderbolt in no time. Now I would advise that you rub it in Diamond and Silver's faces given how they treated you. Ponies like that aren't worth anypony's time and it kind of sucks that you are part of that group that is supposed to befriend Luster. Speaking of Luster, go rub it in her face too. I know she will be mad as hell that I gave you permanent, adult sized wings since she really sucks at magic.

Happy You Have Adult Wings,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

Now normally it is Starlight who would write you but over this, I am going to write you. Let me start off with how incredibly pissed I am at you right now. Do you want to know what Scootaloo did as a filly? Well one horrible thing she did was concoct a terrible plan with her loser friends to try and get their school teacher a date. I made the mistake of letting them borrow a book about the shitty holiday called Hearts and Hooves Day. Well there was a recipe for a "love potion" in it and they decided to serve it to her and Apple Bloom's older brother, Big Mac. It turned out to be a love poison and to stop them from simply staring into one another's eyes until they croaked, they had to keep them apart for an hour. Had they been unable to do so, the school would have shut down and Sweet Apple Acres would have gone under because Applejack couldn't have harvested everything on her own, trust me, I know.

Now for another thing that pissed me off. She and her bitch friends had the audacity to publish very bad pictures of my mother in that rag school newspaper. You see, my mother loves cake and they published a picture of her eating cake with some chocolate frosting on her face. They commented about how she would wind up getting fat and die because of her cake addiction. Now that was even worse is that they called me a Canterlot snob. Do you really think a little bitch like her deserves big wings so she can fly.

Now for strike number three on her. After I became a princess, I decided to try and help her and her friends earn their cutie marks by teaching them various skills. At first they were being good fillies and I thought they were well on their way to discovering whatever the fuck they were supposed to do with their miserable lives and get their ass marks. Well then they decide they wanted to show up one of the rich sluts at their school and started taking advantage of me. Before everypony knew it, they had their whole class licking the shit off of their asses because they were friends with me and they all had a chance to meet me. Well in the end it blew up in their faces and they were exposed for taking advantage of my generosity, which at the time I was not known for.

Now after hearing all that, do you still think Scootaloo is deserving of that wing spell you gave her? You know what your problem is Bright Beam? Your problem is that you are too sweet and kind like my oh-so-sexy sister is. I would come down there and punish you myself but I really don't want my hot sister to be upset with me because she does think of you like a daughter and the last thing I need is for her to stop putting out for a couple of days.

Upset,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, I just felt sorry for her! She is an adult pegasus and she couldn't fly. I know what she and her friends did was horrible but there is no need to hold a grudge for so long. That reminds me of something that Luster would do and you don't want to be like her do you? I suppose I can understand why you're so upset but just think about how happy I made her! She can finally soar through the skies and be just like her idol! Please don't be too mad at me!

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Bright Beam,

Let me start out by saying that I am not one bit happy right now. From what I understand, you decided to reward a pony who slandered my incredibly hot sister and published embarrassing pictures of my mother with adult sized wings so she could fly. Look, I know I pretty much raised you to be kind and sweet but next time before you go trying to show up Luster with your superior magic, check with me to see if the pony you want to help is truly deserving of such a thing.

You know, I was going to invite you and your spa hotties up to join my sister and I but now, HELL NO! If I didn't still think of you as like a daughter despite this shit you pulled, I'd take those spa twins away from you and haul them down to my mother. Now think of this as a warning. If you do anything to help somepony who has wronged anypony in my family ever again, you can kiss that head mare position goodbye and my incredibly sexy sister and I would force you to move in with Luster, got it?

Warning You,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

I didn't know she did that to you two. Had I known that, I wouldn't have cast that spell on her. I'm really sorry that I gave her the ability to fly and don't worry, I won't help anypony without checking with you and Twilight first. Now I feel really bad. I do hope you can forgive me for this.

Feeling Bad,

Bright Beam

Dear Scootaloo,

So from what I understand my protege gave you adult sized wings so you can soar through the skies like Rainbow Dash. Well let me start out by saying that I know about your history. I know the shit you pulled when you were young and right now I am very unhappy with Bright Beam. I decided to let her off the hook but I am going to be keeping a very close eye on you.

I am going to give you this warning just once. If you ever do anything that would make anypony in the royal family look bad again, my incredibly sexy sister and I will fly down there, rip your wings out with our teeth and eat them right in front of you before staining your sheets while we engage in sisterly bonding. You better be glad I wrote you though because Twilight likely would have issued you a death threat because she STILL despises you more than she does those three villains that my mom, Aunt Luna and Discord turned to stone.

Just watch it you little bitch. As long as you behave, you'll be fine. Cross our paths though and you'll fucking regret it.

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

Wait a minute, so all the rumors are true? You two truly are sisters, Celestia is your mother and you commit incest? You know that is really gross and I don't think I can even write anymore without throwing up.

Surprised You're Incestuous Sisters,

Scootaloo

Sisters' Love Under the Sea (S1 E25)

Dear Twibitch and Starbitch,

You know what? I am not very happy because the map decided to call you two on a map mission to Seaquestria instead of me. Come on, I am supposed to be the star of this series and it seems like I'm getting less and less attention. It is either you two lesbo hos, Bright Beam and pretty much everypony else. I think I am going to write the big brass and complain that I am not getting nearly enough attention and I'm not even getting any chances to make any friends now. Well once I bitch, you two will fade into the background and I'll be the star again!

Upset I Don't Get Enough Attention,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

You can bitch to the big brass all you want but you want to know something? The big brass hates your guts and wants to see you be miserable as much as we do. Sorry Luster but no amount of complaining or bitching will change things. You'll have to deal with being used less than what you want!

Sick of Your Whining,

The hottest and sexiest pair of sisters ever,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queens of Equestria,

Hi, this is Queen Novo of Seaquestria. Right now I am having a serious issue with my sister Ocean Flow. Twilight, I know I once banished you from Seaquestria but I could really use the help of you and your sister. My problem is that being the leader of a kingdom gets quite stressful and here lately I have become needy, very needy. I tried telling my sister that I needed a little action and she told me to go to hell. Can you believe that, my sister told me, the ruler of Seaquestria to go to hell.

Now I know about you two and your incestuous nature and I figured that you'd be the perfect ones to ask for help. I would go after some other seapony or con one of the female hippogriffs to turn back into a seapony for me but I find my sister so hot! Also, I have heard rumors from Silverstream that you two are infinitely powerful and have a lot of horn sex so I was thinking you could give us horns to please one another with. I hope to hear back from you soon.

Wanting my Sexy Sister,

Queen Novo

Dear Queen Novo,

Yeah we can come down there and help. We have been talking and we think that one way to woo your sister into your bed is to offer her a share in power. Seaquestria could become just like Equestria, two incredibly hot, incestuous sisters ruling over their country! We shall see you soon.

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle and Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

Well I would like to thank you for coming down here because I was becoming so frustrated. I am glad you talked to my sister though and we came to an agreement on how I can satisfy my needs. My sister is happy to be a queen along side me and she is actually started to get quite freaky. We know that we can't exactly do the same things you ponies do but thank you so much for giving us those horns and magic to come with them! Ocean Flow has picked up pleasure magic rather quickly and now just like you two, we engage in sisterly bonding on a daily basis.

Also, thanks for joining us! That foursome we had was quite the experience. Now we would both appreciate it if you two could come down and join us on a regular basis because we do want a stronger alliance with Equestria and the only way that will happen is if you give us the lovin' that we need so badly. Again thanks!

Bucking My Sister Now,

Novo

P.S. Oh and you don't have to be formal with me or my sister anymore. You helped us out big time and have become our lovers so formalities are not wanted.

Dear Queen Novo,

You're welcome. We will admit, we were a bit hesitant about the foursome at first because we didn't want to cheat on each other and the only other one we've bucked is our mom but damn, you two are good! We did discover that getting it on as seaponies was a completely new experience and in some ways, it was hotter than our normal way of getting it on.

Now you bet that we will come down when you need it but you never know, we may simply come down unannounced and surprise you and Ocean Flow. Hell we might even spend a few days next time so we can buck each other a lot as seaponies! Anyway, we like the idea of your wanting a stronger alliance and if foursomes are how we get it done, we're all in!

Loving Having Sex As Seaponies,

Starlight and Twilight

P.S. Oh you don't have to be formal with us anymore either. With us all being lovers, being informal is the only way to go. After all, formalities are not sexy and they completely ruin the mood!

The Trouble With Swans (S1 E26)

Dear Luster,

Ok Luster, you came so close last time but failed your grammar lesson but I am giving you yet another chance to get to come home. You see, right after my incredibly sexy sister and I took over, we got rid of the swan festival that always caused so many problems. The problem is, a lot of locals have been complaining for years because we got rid of it but for this one year, we told them that we were going to bring it back so they'll quit bitching.

However, overseeing such a thing is far beneath us and it is also beneath Bright Beam but we have been discussing that you and your friends, I mean acquaintances, could handle it. Now this will be tough for all of you but we know that the seven of you should be able to handle it just fine. As far as our step-daughters and us go, we are heading on a trip to Maretonia because we simply need some time out of town. After all, if you are to pull this off, nopony in the royal family can be here to save your ass WHEN it appears that you will fail. Get up here tomorrow morning so you can get started.

See You Tomorrow,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twibitch,

Seriously, I along with my acquaintances have to set up some stupid swan festival? I know you two despise most useless festivals like that but I know that you are only bringing it back so you can inconvenience me. Well I know that if you would let me do this on my own I would do just fine but since you are making me allow my acquaintances to help, I know it will be a disaster. Oh well, I really don't give a shit because I know nothing I do will ever be enough.

See You Later,

Luster Dawn

Dear Bunny Tracks, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,

Alright you six, listen up. You are to join Luster Dawn on a trip to Canterlot tomorrow morning. You see, we have decided to bring back this stupid swan festival our mom always held and the seven of you are going to set it up because it is beneath us to have anything to do with such wasteful shit. Now I do want to warn you, Luster is a bit bitchy about this but hey, that will make it all the funner! Now you better be there because Luster will need all your help. If you don't show up, the punishment will be severe, especially for you Scootaloo. Have fun with this losers!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To the Incestuous Sisters,

Seriously, we have to help that bitch set this up? Look, we all know that you like making ponies miserable but this is stretching it, even for you two. Well we will join her but not because we want to. We're only doing this because we are being forced. After this, we will go back to only dealing with her when it is absolutely necessary.

Sincerely,

Luster's Acquaintances

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle and Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

Well I am not sure when you and your precious step-daughters will get home but I am writing to tell you about how that worthless swan festival went. I would love to know why the fuck you didn't tell us that we were supposed to delegate different jobs to the rich snobs that live in Canterlot? The least you could have done is leave instructions because we had no idea what to do, at all.

We were scrambling around screwing things up and that one rich snob, Fancy Piss I think it is, was laughing at us the whole time. Garbage was piling up in the streets because the sanitation workers were on strike because they feel they aren't being paid enough. Knowing you two though, you're probably taking money from the sanitation department and spending it on either cake for yourselves or showering your precious step-daughters with lavish gifts and festivals of their own.

Ok, back to the festival. Well all that garbage wound up attracting a bunch of vultures and to make matters worse, they killed all the swans so we wound up holding a vulture festival instead. I suppose it isn't all bad because one of them bit Diamond Tiara down south and now she won't be able to put out for Silver Slut for a while.

In the end, we were ran out of town by a bunch of angry snobs and from what I understand, the sanitation department is still on strike and vultures have taken over the city. Oh well, I don't really give a shit. We got this done and now it is behind it....and I tried to seduce Bunny Girl after a vulture scared her and guess what, I was able to kiss her! Yep I was able to kiss her before she slugged me and stomped me. Oh well, I got a kiss but next time my horn shall prevail and meet her love canal! Maybe you should put us in charge of another festival! I know if you do I can buck her!

Kissed Bunny Girl,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Well we finally got home and we were actually shocked to see that you were formal with us! It is about damn time that you show us the respect that we deserve. After reading the rest of your letter, we figured out why you were so formal with us, the festival wound up being a disaster.

Now you may find this surprising but we are actually happy that it was a disaster. You see, we put you and your acquaintances in charge for a reason. We wanted to make sure that the snobs up here would never want another swan festival again and thanks to you seven, they don't!

Congratulations Luster, you succeeded in doing what we wanted. When we got home, the rich snobs were complaining about all of you so you know what we did? We laughed in their faces and told them that we put the seven most inept ponies in existence in charge of it just so they'll never ask us to put another one on! They weren't one bit happy but after this, they don't want another.

Now we were able to clear out the vultures, get the sanitation workers back to work and get the swan corpses out of here so all is good. Believe it or not but you pulled it off Luster! Now had you not adopted Cozy Glow, I would have let you come home! What a shame too, we would have put you in charge of the royal family's relations with the rich snobs but oh well, the leading guard pony will still have that job.

Still Not Letting You come Home,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle and Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

To the Incestuous Bitch Sisters,

You know what, never ask us to try and put on a festival again! Everything was a complete disaster. Trash was piling up in the streets thanks to your lousy trash ponies, vultures came in and killed the swans and the snobs were laughing at us. To make matters worse, poor Diamond Tiara got bit down south and she is in a lot of pain. We don't know if you did this solely to punish us more than you already have or you just got a laugh out of it but never again! We would rather have to deal with those Abyssinians and diamond dogs again than have to do this.

Signed,

Luster's Acquaintances

To Luster's Acquaintances,

Guess what, you won't have to worry about this one again. We put you seven mental defects in charge so that this town would never want another swan festival and it worked. So congratulations and Diamond, we don't give a shit about a vulture trying to violate your love canal with its mouth. You deserve it because you couldn't just keep on making Luster happy! Now I have some advice for you, let Luster have her way with you OR we will be forced to give you to our friends up here for the whole off-season and we know you'd just love that!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

The Second Paternity Test (Live Action) (S1 E27)

Author's Notes:

Unlike it was in "Unpleasant Correspondence," rather than merely being a special, this is an actual episode!

Any comments made by the audience will be surrounded by stars *comment*

Given that this episode will literally be a TV talk show, the format will mostly be back and forth dialogue.

For this chapter, profanity will be blacked out since this will be like a TV broadcast.

"Hello everypony, my name is Iron Will. As some ponies know, roughly thirty years ago we did a paternity test involving the status of who Flurry Heart's father is. At the time it turned out that Shining Armor was Flurry's father but Iron Will has received some inside information that may put that into question. Iron Will would like to introduce the one who gave him reason to have a second test done. Luster Dawn, Iron Will wants you out on stage, NOW!"

*clap, clap, clap*

Luster went out on stage and was immediately addressed, "Luster Dawn, from what you told Iron Will, you are the protege of Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle, correct?"

"Yes, I am the protege of Twilight."

"Now Iron Will wants to know, why is it that you think that Twilight may be the "father" of Flurry Heart?"

"Well I know a lot about my mentor's past. I know how she would engage in massive amounts of horn sex with who at the time was believed to be her sister-in-law. I've seen reruns of that episode and I always wondered about that first set of cards, I always wondered if those were the real cards."

"Well then, let's have Goddess-Queen Twilight come out on stage."

*CLAP, CLAP, CLAP*

Both Twilight and Starlight came out on stage with their wings around one another and holding hooves. Once they sat down, they gave one another a kiss before turning their attention to Iron Will.

"So Iron Will sees the rumors are true, you truly are the incest sisters."

"So what?" replied Twilight, "Now on to what we came here for, the true status of who Flurry's father is."

"Very well. Now your protege here contacted Iron Will and gave him reason to question the results of the first test. What are your thoughts on that?"

Twilight turned to Luster, "Look Luster, I know you likely did this so I'd like you as much as Starlight does Bright Beam but that ain't happening, ever." She then turned to Iron Will and continued, "Well I am happy that she did. I STILL want to know the truth about Flurry because I know the second set of cards you had were nothing more than a fucking lie."

"Iron Will understands that you are still upset over that but if you don't stop with the profanity, Iron Will be forced to have you removed from stage."

"Oh really? You think you can simply remove an infinitely powerful Alicorn from stage?"

"Very well but don't make it excessive. Now for what you're here for, do you still believe that Flurry Heart may be your daughter?"

"Of course I do, my little Cadence did get that tingling feeling one time I was ramming her with my horn."

"Well then, let's bring Cadence out on stage."

The crowd gasped in shock when they saw Cadence being led out on stage wearing a leash. Colgate and her friends walked out behind her with proud looks on their faces. Once they got sat down Iron Will asked,

"So it is true that you four own Cadence?"

"Yep, she is our property and extremely subservient in bed. At one time she was Twilight's little bitch but now she's our little

bitch!"

*BOO! Bitches, skanks, homewreckers!*

"Well then, Cadence, Iron Will wants to know, do you still think that Shining Armor is the father of Flurry Heart?"

"Well yeah, of course I do. At the time, there is no possible way that Twilight could have known fertility magic."

"That's a lie Cadi! You know I'd fuck you more than anypony else and I was more than smart enough to know magic that I could knock you up with!"

"Oh please. A "father" and his daughter always have a special bond and Flurry and Shining Armor had that exact kind of bond."

Iron Will figured it was time to bring the next guest out, "Now we shall speak with the one that has been deemed Flurry Heart's actual father."

*Crowd cheers and claps*

Shining Armor came out and was immediately addressed, "Shining Armor, Iron Will is very happy to have you on his show today."

"Well thank you."

"Iron Will knows a lot about what has happened. Iron Will knows that you and Twilight aren't even related thanks to Celestia."

"We aren't and I'm not happy with Celestia but for what I came on here for."

"Right. So at the time of Flurry's conception. You two were being assertive five nights a week."

"Yes, only on weekends....."

"On weekends Cadence was my ho! I owned her and had my horn in her almost all time time!"

*Boo, slut, skank, homewrecker*

The two Goddess-Queens gave the crowd a deep glare and unlike it was last time, they immediately quit with the name calling. Iron Will then announced, "Unlike it was last time, lets bring out the one in question. Let's welcome Princess Flurry Heart."

*crows cheers*

"Princess Flurry Heart, Iron Will is glad to have you here today."

"Yeah, I'm like happy to be here too."

"From what Iron Will understands, you and Twilight were very close when you were young."

"Yeah, we were totally close. She'd always like talk about how we were totally close when we spent time together."

"Now there is some speculation that Shining Armor may not be your father. There is speculation that Twilight might be your father."

*gasps* "Wait a minute, like how could she be my father? She is a mare."

"You see Flurry, I know advanced fertility magic and your mama was my ho every single weekend! I owned her Flurry, she was my little bitch!"

"Really? That is like, so totally cool! I so totally hope you're my father!"

"Really Flurry? You want Twily as your father instead of me?"

"Yeah cuz she'd always get me totally cool gifts!"

"Flurry, Iron Will is assuming that you are hoping that Twilight is your father?"

"Yeah cuz then we could like have even more fun together, y'know?"

"Now normally this would be when Iron Will would have the cards brought to him but there is one more pony we must bring out. Celestia, come on out."

*crowd claps*

"Celestia, while many ponies never knew this, you too were assertive with Cadence before Flurry's conception, correct?"

"Yes, that is correct. Despite her being my niece, we did engage in horn sex."

*GASP!*

"Princess Cadence, it that true? Did you and your aunt commit incest like the Royal Pony Sisters do?"

*hangs head in shame* "Yes Iron Will, we did."

"So Celestia, how often were the two of you assertive? How often did you give her horn sex?"

"Oh just a few times. We weren't assertive nearly as much as she and Twilight were but still."

"Did anything ever happen like any tingling?"

"Actually yes, Cadence said something about it tingling one time I was assertive with her."

"Cadence, is that true? Did it tingle with your aunt?"

"One time, yes it did."

As a pony was bringing the cards out, Iron Will said, "Well then, let's find out the results!" Turns to Shining Armor, "In the case of Flurry Heart, Shining Armor, you are NOT the father!"

Just like it was last time, Shining Armor buried his face in his hooves. Iron Will chuckled a bit as he turned to Twilight. He continued, "Goddess-Queen Twilight, in the case of Flurry Heart, you are NOT the father!"

"How the fuck could that be? She looks like a mix of the two of us and besides, I fucked the little love princess non-stop! She was my ho, I'd fuck her all the time! There is no way in Tartarus that she isn't mine!"

"Calm down Goddess-Queen Twilight. If you don't calm down, Iron Will will have to have you removed from the stage."

Twilight sighed in frustration as Iron Will turned to Celestia. He had a huge grin on his face as he read the results from the final card, "Celestia, in the case of Flurry Heart, you ARE the father!"

Everypony in the studio gasped in shock over the results. Celestia couldn't help but laugh hysterically, "I knew it Cadence, I knew it! I knew when you said it tingled that one time that I knocked you up!"

Nopony was particularly happy over Celestia's laughing but Flurry would be angry, "What, you're like my father?" She began to stomp her hooves and yell, "But I don't want you as my father cuz Twilight is like so much more fun, y'know?"

Given Flurry's age, the crowd began laughing over her tantrum. She began to fire bolts of energy at the crowd and Iron Will yelled, "Stop it! Somepony subdue her!"

Celestia grabbed her in her aura and pulled her towards her, "Flurry, you're coming with papa! There is no need for you to behave like this."

Flurry screamed, "But I don't want to come with you, I want to go with Twilight cuz she's like so totally fun!"

Twilight turned to Starlight and said, "Perhaps it is best that she isn't my daughter. She is a total ditz!"

Starlight replied, "I know. Toola and Coconut don't behave even remotely like that!"

Iron Will figured that enough was enough as Flurry continued to struggle in Celestia's hold, "Alright, let's clear the stage." As the stage was being cleared, Iron Will continued, "Up next, a paternity test will be taken to determine the father of a griffon! We'll be right back!"

Once they got back stage Cadence immediately ripped into Celestia, "Celestia, why the hell would you use fertility magic like that? Why would you violate my trust like that? It is bad enough I'm your niece but Flurry is the product of incest and that is probably why she's such a dtiz!"

"Hey, I'm not a ditz! Like I'm just unique, y'know? I'm totally cool cuz I'm not lame like everypony else."

Something then crossed the minds of Twilight and Starlight. Twilight said, "Well Flurry, instead of me being your Auntie Twily, I'm your big sister and so is Starlight!"

Flurry gagged, "Ewww, LAME! I just hope you two don't have any kids cuz I like don't want a daughter, another sister or whatever it would be."

Cadence snapped, "Flurry, that is no way to talk to your big sister....."

Cadence would be quieted when she would feel a yank on her leash. "Alright everypony," Colgate suggested, "let's get home. I don't know about you but I think we need to get home. Cadence has gone far too long without a horn in her."

Celestia grabbed Flurry and said, "And you young lady, I honestly don't think you are fit to rule with the way you are behaving. You're coming with me and when we get home, you're grounded!"

Flurry yelled, "You can't ground me! I'm like the dictator, I mean princess of the Crystal Empire!"

Twilight was sitting there and thought of a way to rectify something that she did wrong in the past. She stood tall, spread her wings and declared, "Well then I, Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle, do hereby strip Flurry Heart of her role as princess in the Crystal Empire and hereby name Shining Armor KING of the Crystal Empire!"

Everypony gasped in shock at her declaration. Shining gasped, "Really Twilight, you're going to make me king of the Crystal Empire since Celestia is taking Flurry?"

"Yep, I am." replied Twilight.

Starlight added, "Come with us to Canterlot and I'll turn you into an immortal Alicorn so the Empire won't have to worry about you passing."

Shining embraced the two and exclaimed, "Thank you Twily, thank you Starlight!" He paused a minute before continuing, "I mean thank you Goddess....."

Twilight interrupted, "You can still just call my Twily you know. We may not be related but I still think of you as a brother."

Starlight added, "And just call me Starlight. If Twilight still thinks of you as family, then so do I."

Shining replied, "Thanks you two. Well shall we get going?"

Starlight replied, "Yes, we shall."

The three left and Celestia was still struggling with Flurry. Cadence was not thrilled and ordered, "You let my daughter go!"

Celestia laughed, "I'm sorry Cadence but I think it would be best if she came with me. You are in no way, shape or form fit to have her and likely never will be. I also don't think she is psychologically fit to rule alongside my favorite daughters and I need to get her to stop being such a ditz! Maybe if I can fix her, she could at least be a princess alongside Starlight and Twilight's stepdaughters."

Flurry screamed, "I'm not fixed, I mean I'm like not broke!"

Celestia grabbed her in her aura and ordered, "Sorry Flurry but you are broke and you're coming with your father. I'm going to see to it that you aren't an embarrassment to the royal family."

Moondancer cast her gaze at Colgate and asked, "Well shall we? Shall we get home and punish our little slave?"

Colgate replied, "Yes, let's do it. I'm getting needy and a pink love canal is exactly what my horn needs!"

As everypony was leaving, they all had different feelings on what was going on. Shining Armor, despite learning that Flurry was not his daughter, was thrilled that he would be king and sole ruler of the Crystal Empire. For quite some time he hated Twilight and Starlight but now knew that Twilight did still see him as a brother and was righting a wrong from many years ago.

Cadence was very unhappy for various reasons. She was mad upon learning that not only was Shining Armor not the father of Flurry Heart but that her aunt was the one who provided the seed for her. She was also furious that Twilight would simply remove Flurry from the throne and replace her with Shining Armor solely because of how she behaved.

Flurry Heart too was angry that she would no longer be the princess in the Empire but was angrier because suddenly she had a "father" who was going to be a complete stick in the mud and try to change who she is.

Finally, Celestia was ecstatic that she was the "father" of Flurry Heart and given what she had become, she could now raise her to be right. As she and Flurry were headed to Silver Shoals, she knew that dealing with Luna's reaction to all this would be tough. She did know that with enough time of working on Flurry, that she could eventually become a princess up in Canterlot.

Chaos and Butterflies Part 1 (S2 E1)

Dear Discord,

Ok, I need to ask you of a huge favor. As you know, my protege hasn't really had any kind of test to prove whether she is really worthy or not. I know that after Fluttershy was released you started to help her learn magic so I want the two of you to bring about a lot of chaos to Ponyville. I'm not going to tell you specifically what to do because I know you'll do a good job. I do however want you to make it worse than what you put me and my friends through back not long after I moved down there. Long story short: I want you two to put Luster and her lousy acquaintances to the test. Oh and one other thing, HAVE FUN!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

Now normally I would say no because of what you did to my dear Fluttershy and Rarity, who I have grown close to but since you want to do this to Luster, I'll do it for you. What the two of us will do we are not sure but trust me, Luster will probably go haywire trying to stop it!

Ready to Bring About Chaos,

Discord

Dear Twibitch,

I don't know exactly what the hell is going on but all of a sudden things are fucked up in Ponyville. We have chocolate rain falling from the sky, some buildings are floating in the air and we have these giant butterflies flying around and are causing damage to some of the shitty, poorly constructed buildings in this dilapidated hell hole.

Now I know a fair amount about history and this sounds a whole lot like what that bastard Discord did so long ago. I think you and your bitch sister need to get your asses down here and take care of it. Ponies here are not happy and they are especially mad at you and Starbitch for not being here to take care of it right now. Now Cozy seems to think it is funny but then again Cozy finds the weirdest things funny. Now get your flanks down here ASAP and fix this!

Pissed Off,

Luster Dawn

Luster,

For starters, don't you ever try and order the two of us around again. Remember, I am your owner and both of us are infinitely powerful Alicorns and could throw you into another dimension if we wanted. Now about the problems down there, that does sound like something Discord would do if he simply wanted a few laughs, decided to punish you for trying to violate Fluttershy or has gone evil again.

Now I am going to let you in on something. This whole situation is YOUR problem, not ours. You and your acquaintances are the ones who have to take care of this. Now it is your problem because not only is shit such as this beneath infinitely powerful Alicorns, it is also not in our contracts. You see, the way our contract with the big brass works states that my inferior and her problematic acquaintances have to deal with this. Now have fun trying to figure this out Luster. My hot to trot sister and I both know you'll fuck up royally and Bright Beam will likely have to fix it but hey, we can always hope you get it right!

Laughing at YOUR Problem,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twibitch,

You want to know something? I along with Sweetie Bitch have tried using our magic on some things, especially the huge butterflies but it isn't working! How the fuck are we even supposed to do this?. The seven of us don't have the same advantage that you and your friends did. We don't have something like the Elements. All I have is six moronic acquaintances, two of which refuse to put out, a dragon who is calling me an idiot, and a step-daughter who is laughing over the butterflies and is out drinking the chocolate rain.

We are out of ideas and have contemplated simply bailing on this dump and leaving town to get away from this shit. Now I am going to ask you this, is there anything that will help us with this or is this whole town simply fucked over for all eternity?

Frustrated,

Luster Dawn

Luster,

Oh I suppose I should have told you about something that might help you but it skipped my mind! You see, in this cave deep in the Everfree Forest there are seven necklaces. With these seven necklaces, a group of friends can get together and defeat any foe, well except my incredibly sexy sister and I of course. I would advise you round your acquaintances up, go into the Everfree Forest and retrieve them. If this helps any, the cave is around five miles to the east of the Castle of the Two Sisters, well what is left of it anyway. Now go, Ponyville can't handle too much more chaos!"

Knowing You Will Still Fail,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Chaos and Butterflies Part 2 (S2 E2)

Dear Twibitch,

My acquaintances and I are beyond pissed right now. Why the fuck didn't you tell us that the cave where those necklaces were had a fucking Ursa Major living in it! Do you want to know what the fuck we had to go through? Well, the damn thing started chasing us around and wound up falling on a couple of us but somehow we managed to survive. It also started throwing us against the walls until Bunny Girl was able to calm it down somewhat. Now I thought I would be the one to get the necklaces but Scootaloo just had to show off her new wings and fly back and get them.

To make matters worse, in our attempt to escape, it grabbed my mane and ripped it out. I knew it was lost so I again tried to leave but then the bastard bit down on my tail in an attempt to eat me. Now apparently Scootaloo must not be as much of a bitch as I thought because she handed the necklaces to Sweetie Bitch and tried to pull my tail out of the Ursa's mouth but in the process, my tail got ripped out too and now I look fucking hideous!

Anyway, once we got out of the cave we took a look at the necklaces and determined which one was for us. Then when we got back to Ponyville, things were even worse. Cupcakes had begun to fall from the sky along with everything else so we knew we had to act. We joined hooves, ugh so disgusting, and tried to channel our energies through them but you know what, they didn't work! All that happened was we levitated a bit and then dropped to the ground.

I thought you said those fucking necklaces would work but they didn't. Want to know what happened next? Well Starbitch's precious little wannabe daughter came rushing out of the school, lit up her horn, shot a ball of magic out and fixed everything! Damn that Bright Beam, she just had to show me up AGAIN! I almost wonder if this whole thing wasn't a fucking set up.

You know what I bet happened? I have a feeling you talked to Discord, had him pull this shit and then had Bright Bitch study some weird magic to reverse it all on her own. How the fuck did she pull that off? How the hell is she so damn powerful that she can reverse fucking chaos magic? I honestly can't help but wonder if she isn't related to you two somehow. What, did Bitchlestia have another daughter nopony knew about, is she a cousin of yours or are you two bitches hiding something?

What fucking ever. I should have known that you two would probably set something up and now I have to figure out how to get my mane and tail restored. Bunny Girl thinks I am hideous and the way I am right now, even a powerful seduction spell probably wouldn't work on Diamond Tiara. And another bad thing, I heard Cozy Glow mumbling to herself about finding the bell on her own, stealing my magic and taking it for herself! I wanted to spank her but I know you'd probably punish me if I did so now all I can do is not let her out of my sight.

Now I'm ending this fucking letter before I blow my stack and one final thing, don't go sucking Bright Bitch's pussy for doing this, ok?

Incredibly Pissed,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster "I'm a Fucking Little Bitch" Dawn,

Oh cry me a river you little bitch. After reading this letter I have come to the conclusion that you are a hundred times worse than I ever even imagined of being. Now if you were even remotely intelligent when it comes to magic, you would have teleported those necklaces to yourself like Bright Beam would but oh no, you had to disturb the Ursa and lose your fucking mane and tail in the process. Speaking of your fucking mane and tail, I couldn't care less you lost it. I know Zecora knows something about mane and tail magic but if you're in such a hell fire hurry, go talk to Bright Beam. I'm sure she could probably handle it in nothing flat although I don't know why she would help a worthless little bitch like you anyway.

I am also going to let you know that I am beyond pissed right now because you failed me, again! Hell I'm pissed at all seven of you because you couldn't get those necklaces to work. Oh wait, I know why they wouldn't work. You're not all friends. For those to work, you'd all have to be friends! Oh well, what matters is that Bright Beam got everything fixed and I will say this right now, Bright Beam is far closer to fulfilling her destiny than you are. Starlight is already beginning to make plans for her, and she even has a set of wings in Canterlot tower that match her coat now! Have I done such a thing for you? Fuck no I haven't and I doubt I will ever have to.

Now look, I am demanding that you befriend those six rejects so that maybe, just maybe, you and those acquaintances of yours can go out and actually defeat villains like my friends and I did instead of relying on Bright Beam to go out and save your ass on her own. Damn I wish she would have been my protege. I'm going to tell you the same thing my incredibly hot mom told me, you are making ME look bad by failing like this! I know I should punish you severely for this but you continuing to be miserable, getting shot down by Diamond Tiara and Bunny Girl and constantly being outdone by Bright Beam is more than enough! On and Luster, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

The Cost of Mane and Tail Restoration (S2 E3)

Dear Bright Beam,

Well I truly hate to do this, I mean I really do. I absolutely hate to have to ask you of a favor but as you probably know, I wound up losing my mane and tail when my acquaintances and I had to go and retrieve those necklaces from the Everfree Forest. Twilight brought this up so she probably knows things that I don't, things such as you knowing mane and tail magic.

I am wondering if you would use your magic to restore them. I look downright hideous and there is no way in Equestria, even with a seduction spell, that I could get any mare to join me in bed. Diamond Tiara thinks I look awful and I know Bunny Tracks is turned off to me. Please help me out. If you do, I'll even be nice to Twibitch and Starbitch. Let me know though, ok?

Hoping You'll Help Me,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Am I reading this right? You are actually asking me for help when you have constantly thought that you are better than me? Now normally I wouldn't even consider this but I will help you with this. You will however need to provide me with your parents' address because I need to know who to send the bill to since chances are you won't have the funds I will be expecting for this.

Now get your flank over here upon receiving this letter and I'll see what I can do.

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

I must say, you did a perfect job! My mane and tail look exactly like they used to! I know you had to use extra magic to style and color it so it wouldn't be the same gray color as yours. I do want to apologize for being such a bitch for a while. I was just concerned that you weren't going to make my mane and tail all sexy like they used to be.

Happy,

Luster Dawn

P.S. Why must you send a bill to my parents? Can't you do this out of the goodness of your heart? I know Twilight is greedy when it comes to the fines involving that Cheese idiot but billing ponies over the smallest things? That just ain't right. I've heard about how Celestia would do that and you really don't want to be like her do you? Anyway, please don't bill them. I don't want them to be mad at me.

Dear Luster,

Look, mane and tail magic is very complex and I had to do some studying that took away from my spa time and Aloe and Lotus are not very happy with me right now. They know I have a job but fixing your mane and tail is not part of it. Look, unless you can pay me upfront, I'm billing them. Nothing in life is free and you really need to understand that.

Ready to Bill Your Parents,

Bright Beam

Purse Strings and Money Bags,

Hi, this is Bright Beam. I am the protege of Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and here recently your daughter, Luster Dawn, had her mane and tail ripped out during a confrontation with an Ursa Major. Now I'm sure you all know that mane and tail magic is rather tricky but I managed to get her mane and tail restored, including its colors and style.

However, like all things in life, this is not free. Now Luster did not have the money to pay me so I told her I would bill you for this. Here are the following charges.

Mane restoration.............................................................. 1,032.75 bits
Mane color (double).......................................................... 955.61 bits
Mane styling....................................................................... 336.20 bits
Tail restoration................................................................... 994.30 bits
Tail color (double).............................................................. 955.61 bits

Subtotal............................................................................... 4,274.47 bits
Inconvenience fee 1 (made me miss spa time, 11%)..... 470.19 bits
Putting up with Luster's bitching fee, 15.75%................. 673.22 bits
Postage for mailing this letter........................................... 1.00 bit

Total....................................................................................... 5,418.88 bits

Now granted that I only accept cash, it will be easier for me to round this up to 5,419 bits. Now payment is due within 7 days upon receiving this letter. Failure to pay will result in me turning this over to my mentor, Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and I know you will have to pay a whole lot more if I do that so pay up, got it!

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Bright Beam,

What the fuck? We have to pay you over 5,400 bits just because our daughter lost her mane and tail and you had to miss spa time? We would think that with you being Starlight's protege that there would be some sort of law forbidding you from making a profit off of such a thing. We refuse to pay this unjust bill. You are just as greedy as Princess Celestia was yet you are not royalty so you can't make us pay anything.

Refusing to Pay,

Money Bags and Purse Strings

Dear Starlight,

Well as you know, I recently restored Luster's mane and tail and of course things like that are not cheap so I billed her parents. They are however, refusing to pay the 5,419 bits that they owe me so I figured I'd let you know about this. I know you can threaten them into paying me for the services I rendered to their daughter. After all, nothing in life is free, right?

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

Don't worry, I'll see to it that they pay you what they owe you and then some! I am not about to allow my protege to get cheated out of what is owed to you. Hopefully within a week you will have that money in your hands.

Sincerely,

Starlight

Dear Money Bags and Purse Strings,

It has come to my attention that you owe my protege a decent sum of money over the services she rendered to your daughter. She let me know that you owe her 5,419 bits. Now I am not thrilled that you would try to cheat her and I will see to it that you pay her. Now I am going to be coming over tomorrow and not only will you hand over what you owe Bright Beam but extra penalties will be added.

Because of your inconveniencing her by making her wait, the total you owe Bright Beam has been increased to 6,000 bits AND for inconveniencing me, an additional 100,000 bit fine will be assessed. When I arrive, we will be going to your bank so they can issue a cashier's check in the amount of 106,000 bits payable to Bright Beam. Nopony gets away with trying to cheat the pony that is like the daughter I never had, NOPONY! Failure to comply will result in seizure of all your assets and a thousand years in Tartarus. You have a pleasant day!

Ready to Take Your Money,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

To a Horrible, Incestuous Thieving Bitch,

What the fuck? Not only do we have to pay your protege but you're tacking on all sorts of penalties just so your precious wannabe daughter can have even more money? Are you doing this because you want Bright Beam to outshine our daughter economically too? Look, from what our daughter has told us, Bright Beam already gets paid big bucks to run that friendship school while our daughter has to live off of whatever Twibitch provides for her, which is next to nothing.

Well we suppose we will pay this but this will be the only time. We are not about to allow what happened to Night Light and Twilight Velvet happen to us. We refuse to be the government's, or in this case Bright Beam's, ATM. Take your pleasant day wishes and shove them up your ass while you're fucking your sister.

Unhappy We Have to Pay You,

Money Bags and Purse Strings

Dear Bright Beam,

Well I was able to get you what you are owed. Enclosed in this letter is a cashier's check for 106,000 bits payable to you from Luster's parents. I swear, they were so pissed when I made them get a cashier's check for that much to send to you! Oh well, they're rich snobs and probably won't even notice it is missing. I do have some advice though, if she asks for more help in the future, do it! Do it and then bill her parents so I can continue to drain their bank accounts and make you richer!

Now what you do with the money is up to you. I know you'll make the best decision and don't worry, this is tax exempt just like your regular salary and bonuses are. You have a wonderful day!

Sincerely,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

This is sweet, beyond sweet! I am so happy that you were able to get this done for me. Now as far as what I'll do with the money. I'm thinking I'll put it in my savings' account at the local credit union. I'm not hurting for money to start with and if I can gain some interest on it, I'm doing it! Thank you for doing this for me!

Happy You Helped Me,

Bright Beam

A Cozy Education (S2 E4)

Dear Luster Dawn,

As you know, it is illegal in Equestria for you to not give your children an education, which means you MUST enroll Cozy Glow in school. Let me start out by saying that because of her past there, she can not attend the school of friendship but luckily, the teacher at the local school down there is new and I'm sure she can get enrolled down there. I will let you know this, if you fail to enroll Cozy Glow in school by the first day of school, she will return to the sculpture garden, your parents assets will be seized and your whole family will wind up in Tartarus. I will be keeping in touch with Ms. Black Board to make sure you get her enrolled.

Making Sure You Get Cozy an Education,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twibitch,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, you want Cozy Glow to get an education when I could probably educate her better myself but whatever. I'll take her to the school and get her enrolled tomorrow, ok?

Upset You Want Cozy to Get an Education,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster Dawn,

I am not very happy with your step-daughter right now. While Cozy Glow seems to be a natural with academic materials, she does not get along with her classmates at all. She beats the other fillies and colts up on a daily basis and steals their lunch money so she is the only foal getting fed at lunch. Also, she is stealing pearl necklaces from a wealthy filly and she stole a fancy watch from one of the rich colts. Now either you make sure she stops or I will have no choice but to expel her.

Sincerely,

Ms. Black Board

Black Board,

I'm going to let you in on something. Ok, I am part of the royal system since I am Twilight's protege and since I adopted Cozy Glow, she is also part of the royal system. You know what means? That means you can't expel her because it is illegal to do that to foals in the royal system. Just get over it bitch and realize that like all things in life, it is survival of the fittest and the smartest! Now unless you want Cozy to beat you up and steal your ATM card (she'd do it too), I would advise you not threaten her like that, got it! I will say this though, Cozy is making me so proud! She is just like her step-mother, she knows she is the best because she is!

A Proud Step-Mother,

Luster Dawn

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

Hi, this is Black Board, the local school teacher down in Ponyville. Your protege's stepdaughter has been engaging in some very bad behavior. She has been beating other foals up for their lunch money and she has been stealing necklaces and watches from them. I told Luster Dawn that I would expel her if she kept it up but she said something about Cozy Glow being in the royal system and that I couldn't. Let me know if that is true so I'll know what to do regarding Cozy's spot here at the school.

Sincerely,

Ms. Black Board

Dear Black Board,

My protege is correct, you can not expel foals in the royal system from school so like it or not, Cozy Glow can not be expelled. You are going to have to tell the other foals to either toughen up or deal with Cozy taking their lunch money and whatever worthless jewelry they may be wearing.

Also, if you even threaten to expel Cozy one more time, I will strip you of all employment based benefits and your pension will be put in a trust for Cozy Glow so that maybe she will behave when she gets older. Now shut up and quit bugging me, Starlight and I have some sisterly bonding to engage in!

Upset You Bothered Me,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

A Mission to Our Town (S2 E5)

Dear Starlight,

Well something quite interesting happened here recently. You know that map thing that called you, your sister and your friends on map missions? Well it called Sugar Belle and I on a mission out to that town you used to run. Now yeah, we wound up having to put Iron Will in charge of the school while we were gone but hey, he did a good job and has learned that his job here is vastly different than his self-help lessons.

Anyway, after visiting with Sugar Belle's friends for a bit, we went out to find our problem. Ok, there was this pretty boy named Feather Bangs who was constantly hitting on these three mares that seemed kind of ditzy. Now he has apparently got over his shyness that I heard he once had because he was talking with them but there was one thing, those mares wanted to see how athletic he was. He was feeling pretty confident as he had been winning races across town to win their adoration.

Apparently this map wasn't to fix a friendship problem though because when those three saw me, they said that I should race Feather Bangs! They said that if I won, all three of them would leave town and come home with me. If Feather Bangs won, they'd continue to expect him to win races before they fought each other over which one should approach him and ask him to be their coltfriend.

Well I raced him and I left him in the dust! I finished the race before he even got half way across town. Well considering I won the Running of the Leaves and set a new record, it was no surprise so they wound up coming home with me and now I have FIVE little hotties here in Ponyville. Those three live with me in the mansion and of course the Spa Twins live in the spa but I'm sure if I wow them enough, they'll move in with me.

Yeah Shadow wasn't exactly thrilled over this at first but since my new hotties are nice to him and have their own bedrooms, he has taken a liking to them. The funnest thing though, Luster saw me leading them towards my mansion and called me a lesbo ho, claiming that I was building up a harem and claimed it was illegal. Hey, it's only illegal if I were to marry all of them at once, right?

Having a Harem,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

I am going to admit, I am a bit disappointed it didn't call me out there too because I was really hoping to just hang out with my friends out there but hey, Twilight and I can go on a vacation out there any time we want so I shouldn't be too upset. Anyway, that is good that the map called you and Sugar Belle and good that Iron Will isn't causing those students to become arrogant.

Now when it comes to this Feather Bangs pony and the three mares you are talking about, they must be new because they don't sound familiar. Now I do find it hilarious that you wound up wooing them with your speed and damn, my protege is building herself a harem! Those three hotties and the spa twins give you five now! I am pretty sure that you are likely setting a record because I don't think my incredibly sexy sister had a harem this quickly! Now be sure and be good to them, continue to wow them in any way you can and I'm certain the six ways you'll have with those spa twins will be spectacular.

Anyway, congrats on a successful map mission and getting yourself three hotties. Hell Twilight and I will come down on Saturday and treat all six of you to lunch and maybe if I can butter her up, all eight of us could have some fun in the steam room!

See You Saturday,

Starlight

Dear Twibitch,

You know what, I am very pissed. That damn map wound up sending Bright Bitch and Sugar Belle off on a map mission to Starlight's old town. Now that didn't bother me so much but I was excluded from an episode, AGAIN! Could you please tell the big brass to include me in every episode and make me the star? I know that is what the old big brass wanted for the future and the new big brass should respect that!

Now what is really pissing me off, after she got back from her trip, Bright Beam had three incredibly hot mares with her and she led them to her mansion. First off she got the spa twins and now she adds three more to her collection. What the fuck is she doing, building a harem and working her way towards being the Princess of Harems or what? How is it that she can wow mares with absolutely no problem when I, who is much hotter, can't even keep Diamond Tiara with a seduction spell? All I have in my life is a scheming step-daughter, a dragon who constantly mocks me and a mentor who does nothing but shit on me. Whatever, Cozy and Spike are wanting me to take them out to dinner with the small monthly stipend you give me.

Taking Cozy and Spike Out,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Wait a minute, Bright Beam is building a harem? Damn, I always knew she was hot and had the assets to wow mares but damn, she gets three on one map mission? Perhaps that was what the mission was for. It was likely just for Sugar Belle to get some time to let her mane down and see her friends while it was calling Bright Beam to save three mares from falling into a hetero trap, ugh....disgusting. Now Luster, you know if you would try being nice to ponies maybe, just maybe, you could get a mare to like you without having to use a temporary seduction spell. Now I would give you the assignment to get yourself a marefriend or build up a harem but I'm not going to. I'm not going to because I know you'd fail miserably just like you have everything else in your miserable, pathetic life.

Now I am shocked that you are actually going to take Spike and Cozy out to supper. This is a totally new side of you that I didn't know existed and I have come up with an idea. If it will make them happy and keep you in a better mood, I will send you a pre-paid debit card that can only be used at certain places, such as the cafe and Sugarcube Corner. It will have a 1,000 bit balance that will reload every two weeks so that if you want, you can take them out for every single meal. After all, Spike shouldn't have to do so many dishes nor does he need to cook for you all the time. Besides, it might take Cozy's mind off of trying to find Grogar's bell and get her to stop beating up other foals for their lunch money. I doubt that will stop but it is worth a shot, right?

Now about you complaining about being excluded. Guess what, I don't care and I know for damn sure that the big brass doesn't care. I know the big brass fairly well and he actually delights in your misery and absolutely loves seeing you always being second best compared to Bright Beam. Just be happy I'm going to make sure you can always have meals and not have to do dishes, ok?

Being Nice,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Well I got the card in the mail and I was shocked when it actually worked! I don't know what the hell is going on with you with you suddenly deciding to care about me and make sure I can eat. The clerk at the restaurant at first thought it was fake and she yelled at me until it was approved. I will tell you this, Spike and Cozy are thrilled now. Spike is thrilled because he no longer has to cook for me or do dishes and Cozy is happy that now she can have a great breakfast along with a great supper. She does however still beat other foals up for their lunch money since she still eats it there and she probably has about 80 necklaces and twenty watches in a basket in her room.

I do feel somewhat content but I'm still pissed that Bright Beam still has it better than me. Yeah I have this debit card for food but still, Bright Beam is getting paid big bucks, all of it tax exempt and I know for a fact that my parents will wind up being her ATM on a regular basis before too long and I am not one bit happy about it. Well I suppose I should be happy with what you're giving me but I'm still pissed you incestuous bitches have basically given Bright Beam everything but the crown jewels.

Still Upset,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Just be glad I'm giving you what I am, ok? My mother never did that for me. Up until she actually revealed that I was her daughter and Starlight saw to it that I was an equal, I constantly got shit on. Yes I can be a bitch who has never once given you any emotional support or tried to give you confidence but at least I'm making sure that you, Spike and Cozy are being fed, right? I would write more but Starlight is giving me bedroom eyes and if I don't get to bed right away, my oh-so-sexy sister will be the dominant one all night long.

Ready for Fun With My Sister,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and since I've given you that card, I will be asking you to do more things with those acquaintances of yours. I'm not about to just let you hide out anymore and simply watch and bitch when others get to do things. There is one positive to this though, you'll be in more episodes!

A Magical Improvement (S2 E6)

Dear Luster,

You know how I said that I would be forcing you to do things with those acquaintances now that you have that debit card? Well I am giving you and your acquaintances a direct order. I want the seven of you to go out and try to repair some of the damages that my friends and I were never able to fix at my mom's old castle. Now do it or I'll give Cozy Glow your horn and you'd be stuck being an earth pony and I'm sure you wouldn't want that now, would you?"

Putting You to Work,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twibitch,

Seriously, I have to take those rejects with me to do this? I know this is going to be nothing short of a fucking disaster but I suppose I will do it because you're making me.

Not Happy,

Luster

Dear Twibitch,

Well I have some good news and bad news. I'll start with the bad news. You know that hidden chamber where your mother's journal was? Well I took Bunny Girl in there to try and initiate her but she wound up slugging me and knocked a couple teeth out! I don't know what I'm going to do because I know that by this point that only a pony who has dental magic can fix them and the very thoughts of going up to Colgate actually frighten me. It frightens me because I know you'd probably have Colgate punish me in an unimaginably horrible way solely because you hate me.

Now for some good news, I did some studying and while it was hard to get down, I learned a reconstruction spell! To make things better, I even did a fair amount of repairs on that place MYSELF. All those rejects did in the end was get in my way and interfere with my concentration. Now I couldn't get a ton of it done, it looks a hell of a lot better now than it did before.

Wait a minute, I just realized something. I did something that Starbitch's precious protege hasn't done. I learned magic on my own and learned something she doesn't know! Now if that isn't proof that I am the better protege then I don't know what will! Damn it feels good to have outshined everypony for once. Of course I could outshine those loser acquaintances since Sweetie Bitch is the only other unicorn among us.

Oh and I just came up with a splendid idea! When I finish fixing that castle, which shouldn't take long, you should totally make me an Alicorn, make me a construction princess or something like that and I could relocate out to the castle your bitch mother and aunt used to call home way back when! That way I wouldn't have to put up with anypony I didn't want to! Don't you think that would be a great idea?

Ready to Relocate,

Future Princess, I mean Goddess-Queen of Construction, Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Am I reading this right? You actually learned magic on your own, especially magic that will make you useful? I don't know if you did this solely to try and show up Bright Beam or what but I suppose I should thank you. However, since you are boasting about this and you know this reconstruction magic, I am ordering you to restore the castle in its entirety AND I want you to build on to it.

Regarding your claims on the spells, are you sure about some of those claims? I know for a fact that Bright Beam has learned more magic without anypony's help than you have. You have learned just one spell without anypony's help but Bright Beam, she has learned a lot. Now I don't know if she has ever learned a reconstruction spell but she has learned plenty of sexy spells all on her own!

Here is the thing, if you do that, Starlight and I will relocate our magic schools and simply move there to get away from all the shit we have to put up with. Now let me tell you this, simply learning one spell that is useful is not going to get you those wings. For me to ever even THINK about giving you wings, you'll have to impress me and impress me a lot.

The first way to start getting on my good side is to stop calling me Twibitch and stop referring to my incredibly sexy sister as Starbitch. You will also stop calling Bright Beam Bright Bitch. Also, you will hang out with those acquaintances more often than just when I order you to.

You're finally going in the right direction but you still have a long way to go before I create some wings for you for when I think you're ready. Who knows though, you may actually surprise everypony and become almost as good as Bright Beam. Key word though, almost!

Surprised You Learned Magic,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Don't you dare EVER refer to yourself as a future Goddess-Queen again. As of right now, there is nopony out there, not even Bright Beam, that either one of us would ever even consider ascending like that, especially you! Hell Cozy Glow is closer to that than you are and you know what a little bitch she has been in the past. If you value your freedom, you'll drop the Goddess-Queen nonsense ASAP.

A Great and Powerful Return (S2 E7)

Dear Bitchlight Skankle,

Well something really good happened to me. Here recently there was this showpony named The Great and Powerful Trixie who was holding a show here in Ponyville. Normally I wouldn't be interested in shit like that but I decided to go to her show after Cozy brought up some things that really made me wonder about Starbitch's past. Anyway, ponies were booing her during her show and she was crying towards the end. Now you know normally I would laugh at a pony like that and call her a loser but something seemed odd about her so I went and consoled her after the show.

I truly felt for her. She had a checkered past and as we got to talking, I realized we had something in common. I realized that we have both been shit on by you. The longer we talked, the more the connection built between us until ultimately she invited me into her trailer to talk more and guess what, I made a marefriend! Yep, we made sweet, passionate raunchy love and now are marefriends!

After what had to be multiple hours of us exploring our bodies in the most erotic ways, we talked some more and when I brought up you and Starbitch, it was like something happened to her. You want to know what happened? Suddenly years and years of her past that she had simply lost came back to her and let me say this, both of you are beyond horrible. You are bad but Starbitch is far, far worse. I can not believe that she would do to Trixie what she did.

When she told me she remembered their loving relationship, her ascension and then how Starlight betrayed her in the worst ways possible because she put you, her sister, way ahead of her. She told me about the spell to return her to what she was prior to her ascension and she told me about the memory eradication spell. That is unforgivable in my eyes and for you to go along with it Twilight, that proves that all you cared about was power and sex WITH YOUR SISTER.

I know I can be a bitch but even I would never stoop that low. Anyway, whether you like it or not, I have moved Trixie in with me. Every night we sleep together and give each other horn sex. We have already begun to talk about much longer term things, things such as marriage. I know I have been miserable for quite some time but now, I am truly happy and my sweet Trixie is happier than ever. Oh I love her so much now, I can't imagine life without her.

Hoping to Marry Trixie,

Luster Dawn

Dear Lusting Cunt,

What the fuck did you call me? Look, I told you to start respecting me and maybe you might have a semi-promising future but obviously you don't want that. You wish to continue to suffer and that I can certainly arrange.

Now about why you wrote me, so Trixie comes into town, puts on a shitty show and you feel bad for her. What the hell has gotten into you? The Luster Dawn I know, the Luster Dawn i practically RAISED, is behaving like a pathetic little bitch. I will say this, you are already falling prey to the same bitch who stole my sister away from me at times. She was the one who prevented Starlight and I from bucking non-stop from the day she met her. Oh well, in the end I won, took Starlight for myself and left her hanging!

Now I am going to let you know this, I am very unhappy that you moved Trixie in with you and I will be even less pleased if you taking her out to eat for every meal along with Cozy and Spike causes you to run out of funds. Guess what, I'm not increasing the amount on that card just because of Trixie. If she makes it to where you can't feed Cozy and Spike normal sized meals, I'll take Trixie and throw her in Tartarus....hell I'll throw you both in Tartarus and give Cozy Glow the castle and just to spite you, I'll make her an Alicorn.

Now regarding this memory she claims to have gotten back, that is bullshit. Starlight would never do such a thing and I would never support something like that! We may be bitches but even we would never drop that low. She was a lying bitch from the day I first met her and she was especially horrible when she wooed Starlight into her bed.

Now I am going to admit, your sudden sappiness is absolutely disgusting. That is not how I raised you. I did not raise you to be an overly sentimental, loving little bitch. I also didn't raise you to fall in love with ponies that are unworthy of love, hell I didn't raise you to fall in love with anypony. Well I suppose I can tolerate you moving Trixie in with you but I do not want to hear about the shit you two do and as far as marriage goes, fuck that shit! I would NEVER approve a marriage license for you, especially one for you and Trixie. Now I must cut this short before I completely lose my appetite.

Upset You're In Love,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To an Incestuous, Back Stabbing Power Hungry Bitch,

Just so you know, that whole memory eradication spell that you and your family concocted is beyond horrible. Trixie remembers how you had your precious aunt put me into a deep slumber just so you could betray me by returning me to how she was before her ascension. You want to know something? Trixie was so happy that we would get married and would rule Equestria together and have a happy life together.

Instead of us being happily married forever, you stabbed The Great and Powerful Trixie in the back just so you could buck your sister all the time, your fraternal twin sister! Seriously, what kind of pony does things like that? Well Trixie will tell you exactly what kind of pony does that.

The only type of pony who would pull what you did is a power hungry, backstabbing, conniving, unloving bitch. Also, The Great and Powerful Trixie thinks that you and Twilight simply want to keep the leadership of Equestria in one sole bloodline. Trixie has a feeling that you two will likely use fertility spells to have foals so that when you decide to retire in the future, you can keep Equestrian leadership in the royal bloodline. Trixie knows royal families can be power hungry and not want to share but this is beyond horrible.

You have no idea how hurt The Great and Powerful Trixie was when Luster helped her remember everything. All those memories came flooding back and now Trixie can't help but wonder if you weren't playing her the whole time. Trixie knows how close you and Twilight were from the moment you reformed. To be honest, Trixie wouldn't be one bit surprised if you two knew you were sisters from the start and never told anypony!

Oh well, The Great and Powerful Trixie now has a true marefriend. She has a marefriend who will always love her and always be there for her. Trixie knows that you and Twilight hate Luster but at least she isn't like Bright Beam! At least Luster will commit to one pony instead of forming a harem! In the end, we will be the happy couple, not you incestuous bitches and certainly not Bright Beam and her toys.

So Much Better Without You,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

To a Sub-par, Immature Street Magician,

Take your letter and shove it up your ass. I don't care about you or whatever the fuck is going on in your miserable, pathetic life.

Signed,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

P.S. Oh in the future should you choose to write me, be formal with me or you'll find your ass in Tartarus, capiche?

Dear Bright Beam,

You know how you think you have it so great in life and how everypony seems to love you? Well guess what, I have a marefriend now! Yep, I have a marefriend and her and I have committed to one another. We are already talking about marriage while all you have are five bootie calls who will never truly love you.

You see, this incredibly sexy unicorn named Trixie Lulamoon and I talked after her show and after a while, we became very close and bonded in the most intimate way. We bonded in a way full of love while all you have are bootie calls that amounts to meaningless lust and horn sex with no real meaning.

Also, you need to understand how truly horrible your mentor is. You want to know something? At one time her and Trixie both had been ascended to higher levels and were just days away from marriage until Starlight's love for her fucking sister became so great that she betrayed Trixie and used what are likely illegal spells to return her to what she is and then ascended her FRATERNAL TWIN SISTER so they could buck more easily and rule Equestria for all eternity. They can claim what they have is love when in all reality it is nothing more than extreme lust and a desire to keep the monarchy in the hooves of a single bloodline. I'm pretty sure they'll eventually use fertility spells when having horn sex and probably birth a couple of fillies and then they'll hook up and rule together when Twibitch and Starbitch decide to retire in the distant future.

So what do you think of your precious mentor now? What do you think about her throwing all the love she allegedly had for Trixie out the window for the lust she had for her sister? What do you think about her doing what she did just so the monarchy can stay in a single bloodline? Knowing your deviant ass you probably think it is awesome but I think it is beyond horrible. Luckily though Trixie now has somepony in her life who truly loves her and I have somepony who truly loves me. I will say this, intimacy and commitment are so much better than what you have.

Hating Our Mentors,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

You want to know what I think about what Starlight did? I think it is fucking sweet that she would do what it took to not only keep a pony so immature she didn't qualify to be Vice-Head Mare out of the royal family but also did it so she could be with her sister! Twilight is smart and rational thinking, just like Starlight. From what both of them told me, Trixie was so immature and overly emotional that they wouldn't even trust her to run a lemonade stand. Had Trixie had any say over anything, Equestria likely would have collapsed by now or a coup would have happened.

Now about you committing to Trixie. That has to be one of the absolute dumbest things you could have done. Why the fuck would you even discuss marriage when you could just buck each other without tying yourself down to her. The good thing about my situation is that I get all the benefits of extreme lust with none of the drawbacks of commitment! I swear, Twilight is right when she says you are stupid and that I'm smarter than you. Oh well, WHEN you two decide to tie the knot, have fun not being able to just go buck any hottie you want loser!

Oh and regarding Starlight and Twilight using fertility spells to have foals (preferably fillies) to keep the power of Equestria in one bloodline, I hope they do it! Equestria has prospered under the royal bloodline and allowing inferior bloodlines into the monarchy could cause everything to go straight to hell. I think I might even suggest that to them because I know they'd totally be up for it too, especially if I bring it up that you think it would be a bad thing!

Now I must get going because my newest acquisitions are really in the mood and so am I. Have fun putting up with an immature simpleton Luster!

Never Committing,

Bright Beam

Cozy's Field Trip (S2 E8)

Dear Luster,

I am going to let you know something right now. I am extremely pissed at your step-daughter. You see, her class came up to Canterlot for a tour of the palace grounds on a field trip. Most of the students were well behaved, except Cozy Glow! What she did while she was up here did bother me quite a bit.

For starters, she was talking to the statue of Tirek and Chrysalis. She even knocked it over and yelled at the guard saying that she simply wanted to free her friends. Now I know that she is still a power hungry little bitch. Now I decided to let that slide because I knew that she simply couldn't shatter that statue but another thing did bother me.

During this tour, she "got separated" from the rest of her class. While their teacher took most of them to Restaurant Row, she was found in the library right at the gates of the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the library. I know she is already looking for that bell but luckily she has no idea where it is. She could have got in there and it wouldn't have mattered because it is NOT in there. She can try and look for it all she wants but she'll never find it.

Now I could very easily take your precious step-daughter away from you but there is one reason I won't. She is happy with you and I figure a happy Cozy will be less of a threat. Yes she was looking for the bell but she simply ain't bright enough to actually take her time and search somewhere else for it.

Now for the fun part, I'm going to fine your parents over this! I know you don't have the money to pay for this but I figure a 25,000 bit fine over this should suffice. In the future maybe you shouldn't sign her permission slip for these field trips because I sure the hell don't want you coming up here as a chaperone. Everypony hated you before and bitched about your behavior to me and I sure the hell don't want to put up with their bitching again.

Anyway, I've written enough and besides, my oh-so-sexy sister is demanding I join her in bed and you know how she gets if I don't get to bed on time.

Not Wanting You to Come Up Here,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight's Little Bitch,

You know what? What Cozy Glow does on these field trips is her own business. If she wants to go looking for that bell or freeing her friends, that is her right! I think you're just scared because Cozy could be a genuine threat to you and your precious sister, especially if she was to actually find that bell. She's smart so don't go saying she'll never find it because I'm sure she eventually will.

You know, she told me one time how easy it was for her to find the book that told how to use it. She told me how much smarter she was than Tirek and Chrysalis because she knew where it was. Hell, had it just been Tirek and Chrysalis back then, that huge battle wouldn't have happened, your mother may have decided you weren't tested enough and you wouldn't be on the throne.

Thanks to you though I'm probably going to have my fucking parents bitching about getting fined over Cozy's misbehavior. I do have a suggestion though. When you fine them, just give me the money because me and Trixie could really use it. Oh and regarding you and your sister, I always knew you were the sub. Hell I bet Starlight makes you humiliate yourself just to have even a tiny bit of control. What she makes you do I'd rather not know but I'm sure it can't be any worse than what Fluttershy told me she'd do to you!

Knowing You're Starbitch's Sub,

Luster Dawn

Dear Purse Strings and Money Bags,

Hi, this is Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle. I regret (well not really) to inform you that on a recent trip to Canterlot on a field trip, your daughter's step-daughter Cozy Glow misbehaved. Not only did she try to free Tirek and Chrysalis but she was also caught searching for Grogar's bell. Now normally such behavior would result in her winding up in Tartarus again but I have thought of something much more satisfying, another fine!

Yep, I have decided to fine you 25,000 bits for what she did. If your daughter knew how to raise kids better she would have taught Cozy that doing such things is wrong. Now as you know I have a very busy schedule. Between sisterly bonding, daily court and teaching in my magic school, I don't have a lot of time so an inconvenience fee of 10% shall be assessed. That brings the total to 27,500 bits but I also don't like having to pay postage either so that will be an additional one bit fine.

Now I will be coming over in a couple of days to collect the 27,501 bits that you owe me. Actually, I will be coming over and then we will go to your bank so you can give me a cashier's check so I can deposit it in a trust I'm setting up for Cozy Glow. If you don't have the money to pay me or you refuse, I'll seize all your assets, throw you into Tartarus and give said assets to my extremely sexy sister's protege, Bright Beam. Now pay up or else!

Ready to Collect Your Money,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Do a Thieving Incestuous Bitch,

What the hell? So not only are we going to have to pay for our daughter's fuck-ups but we're going to have to pay for her step-daughter's misbehavior too? You know something, we should have known that one day we'd wind up just like Night Light and Twilight Velvet. We should have known the day you took Luster in that we'd eventually become your ATM. We swear, if we could do it all over again we'd just put Luster in public school because at least then you wouldn't constantly steal from us.

Fine, we'll pay you the damn fine money but that is ONLY because we don't want you probably getting millions of bits between our house, our investments and our other accounts and making Bright Bitch a billionaire.

Upset We're Getting Fined (Again),

Money Bags and Purse Strings

Friendship Quest of the Proteges (S2 E9)

Dear Twibitch,

You know, I thought that stupid map would send each pony on a mission before sending the same one on another one. That apparently is not the case because it decided to send Bright Bitch and I on a friendship mission to Mareami. Why the hell couldn't it have send me and Trixie instead? We could have went to one of the mares' pleasure paradises down there and had fun but oh no, it just had to send me with that greedy, sex obsessed protege of your bitch sister's.

Neither one of us were thrilled to have to go down there together but it wouldn't take long to find our problem. As it turns out, a very wealthy pony was having issues deciding which one of his kids should be given the position of CEO at a major bank down there. The two were fighting non-stop trying to win over their father's favor. They had been making investments trying to see who got the bigger return, they were seeing whose plan would cheat their customers more and hell, they even lowered themselves to seeing who could do a better job cleaning his office better.

Well in the end we got the three together and told him, well it was mostly me, that he should just give both of them an equal share. He was remaining as president of the bank so it wasn't like it would matter that much. Now that was the easy part. The hard part was keeping Bright Beam from allowing us to get home at a decent time. Thanks to her, we spent several days more down there than we should have.

First I saw her pick something up off the ground and then rush off Faust knows where. Hell I didn't even see her until a couple mornings later after that. When I finally did see her again, she reeked of girlcum and jasmine. I also discovered she had a Mareami Mares' Pleasure Paradise napkin on her. I should have known she went off to some lesbo ho club. You know something, this is yet another thing that proves I am more fit to run that school. I am committed to a very lovely mare while Bright Bitch will go and screw anything with a pussy.

Well what matters is that we succeeded in our mission. Now I want to know something, shouldn't I at least get something for completing a map mission, especially given I was hindered by a bitch who only cared about getting laid? I think it would be really cool if you fined Bright Beam's parents over this and give it to me!

Finishing Map Missions Like a Boss,

Luster (The Moral One) Dawn

Dear Luster,

You know something, you seem really pissy over completing a map mission. I am glad that you solved the problem but I am not thrilled that you wasted so much more in the way of government funds by staying longer and then have the audacity to blame Bright Beam for it. You do realize you could have come home early don't you? I swear, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with you. If you were smart like me, you would have accompanied Bright Beam to the lesbians' club and had some fun.

Now what she found on the ground I'm not sure but I have a feeling that you are just jealous yet you are so afraid that Trixie will think that you "cheated" on her that she will give you a Great and Powerful Punishment. Hell I can't help but wonder if maybe you are becoming henpecked, which is something that I would highly disapprove of!

I have some advice, if something like this happens in the future, just join whoever you are sent with and go out and have fun with them. Back in the day map missions were solely about business but hey, Bright Beam took advantage of a good situation. I'm sure she is even happier now that she has let her mane down.

Upset You Might Be Henpecked,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I am NOT going to fine Bright Beam's parents just so you can have some money for finishing the map mission! I sure the hell didn't get paid for them so neither will you.

Dear Starlight,

Well somehow I completed that map mission despite having Twilight's bitchy little protege along for the ride. I swear, all she did the whole damn time was bitch, whine and complain. She was bitching about not being able to keep an eye on Cozy, she was bitching about Spike eating her out of house and home and she was bitching about not having Trixie to hold close all the time. What the fuck is up with her? Why the hell would a little narcissist like her mean so much to her?

Well anyway, our mission involved the president of Bank of Equestria and him deciding which son to give the position of CEO to. His sons did nothing but fight and try to outdo one another from everything to investing, seducing the tellers and even cleaning his damn office. In the end I told him to make them co-CEOs and that way, everypony would win! Well that happened and then our cutie marks glowed, success!

Now on the way back to the hotel, I found an extremely rare Abyssinian gold coin on the sidewalk so I took it to a local coin dealer and it was worth two million bits! Now luckily Equestria Federal Credit Union has branches all over Equestria so I went over to the branch there and opened multiple savings accounts since accounts are only protected up to 250,000 bits.

Now once I get home, I am going to transfer those accounts over to my parents so that they can buy themselves a totally kick ass house and then not have to worry about so much. I feel so good that not only did I finish a mission but also that I can make life for my parents so much better. After all, they deserve so much more than that small two bedroom, one bath house they live in now! Well anyway, I probably should get going because Luster is whining about us getting going and I don't want to have to put up with her any more than is absolutely necessary!

Giving My Parents Money,

Bright Beam

P.S. Oh and in the event Luster bitches to Twilight about it, I kind of went to a lesbian pleasure club and had a ton of fun. I won't go into much detail but let's just say some ponies know more advanced pleasure spells than even I do!

Dear Bright Beam,

Congratulations! I am so incredibly proud of you that not only did you finish that friendship mission but also that you found that coin and are going to be so generous. All I can say is wow! How in Equestria could anycreature be so careless that they would lose that valuable of a coin on the sidewalk. Well what matters is that you found it and the funds will be going to a good cause.

Now I do agree that your parents deserve better and I think you are spending the money you got for that coin the way you are. This right here is proof that you are the caring generous protege. Hell Luster probably would have went and blown it all on pointless shit that she wouldn't need and then she'd still do nothing but bitch, whine and complain all the time!

Oh and about you going to the club, don't worry about it. Look at it as a post-mission reward and I will say this though, you better study up on your pleasure magic because I certainly don't want my protege being outdone by anypony! Anyway, I'll let you get going so you don't have to listen to anymore of Luster Ditz's complaining.

Proud of You,

Starlight

Dear Bright Bitch,

Well after having Cozy Glow do some undercover investigating I found out about all the shit you did after we finished that map mission. I found out about that Abyssinian coin and the pleasure paradise. What I would love to know is why the hell would you give two million bits to your damn parents? Why not keep it yourself and add on to that mansion that the Lesbo Sisters gave to you or why not open your own lesbians only club here in Ponyville? You know what your problem is Bright Bitch, you are way too nice. You go putting other ponies ahead of yourself, except when it comes to my parents. You'll help anypony else in need but you bill my parents and get a kick out of it.

What I'd like to know is what the hell you did in that pleasure paradise. I know it is a lesbians only club so I know it is only the type of stuff you, your harem and the incest sisters would be into. I know that nopony in there was likely the type to commit. They were likely all like you, meaningless horn sex along with all sorts of other disgusting activities. Hell I'm surprised that you didn't bring one or two home with you to add to that harem of yours.

Well I just hope the hell that we don't have to go on another map mission because I despise being part of the reason that your family is now going to be two million bits richer. Look at it this way, you owe me. You owe me for your precious parents going to be richer. Had we not been at the right place at the right time, which wouldn't have happened had you been alone, you wouldn't have found that coin so I think you should at least give me a couple hundred thousand bits because of this.

Now if you will excuse me, I have sent Spike and Cozy over to Sweet Apple Acres and Trixie and I are going to have a wonderful evening and night together full of truly romantic things that only couples deeply in love take part in. In other words, things that an amoral bitch like you will never experience!

Getting Ready for a Wonderful Evening With Trixie,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster "Crybaby" Ditz,

Blow it all out your ass bitch. The past is the past and you're not getting any of that money I'm giving my parents, got it?

Signed,

Bright Beam

Special: Through the Mirror, Part 1

Dear Twilight,

Guess what? I don't know how the hell this happened but someone named Luster Dawn apparently came through that mirror claiming to be your protege. She told me something about how you and Starlight Glimmer are now Goddess-Queens and have become complete bitches. She also told me about what Starlight did to Trixie just so you two can rule together forever and I am absolutely disgusted by what you two do.

I can't believe that you are in an incestuous relationship with Starlight, who just happens to be your fraternal twin sister. I am also shocked that both of you are the daughter of Princess Celestia. Why didn't you write to me and tell me this sooner, like right after your ascensions and coronations instead of waiting years after the fact, well years in your world.

Now back to you and Starlight and what the two of you have done and still do. Luster told me about your incestuous activities, well given you are both the daughters of Celestia I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Those of YOUR royal bloodline seem to be not quite right. She also told me about how Starlight betrayed Trixie and how you were completely on board with it. I just don't get it Twilight, you were always so nice and seemed to value friendship so much but in the end you and your sister do horribly unethical things just to make sure you two can buck forever and rule the land YOUR way.

I don't know if I can even be friends with you and Starlight anymore. Both of you have hidden so many horrible things. Luster also told me about what you did to Flash Sentry and what Starlight did to Sunburst. I know the two of you are lesbians but to study forbidden magic from ancient times and then use it to wipe out stallions who had crushes on you just ain't right. How would you feel if it were the other way around? How would you feel if it were Flash Sentry as the immortal Alicorn and he imprisoned you in a painting and burned it? I bet you wouldn't like it.

Ok, back to Trixie. Luster told me about how Trixie remembered everything and the fact that Starlight would go as far as using memory eradication spells, spells to undo ascension spells and then Luna interfering with her sleep so Starlight could cast those spells without any problems shows how horrible the whole royal family is. Luster also brought up how Trixie remembered that Celestia was in on this too. I suppose me running away from Celestia was probably the best thing I ever did.

Oh and another thing, Luster told me about how both of you seem to favor Starlight's protege, Bright Beam so much. She told me about all the horrible things Bright Beam has done. She told me about how she already has herself a harem, she told me about how she went to some lesbian club and had a lot of fun on a friendship mission, she told me about how she billed her parents after fixing her mane and tail and she told me about how she always outshines her when it comes to magic and she told me about Bright Beam's promiscuity and greed. Both of you may think she is a perfect angel but from what it sounds like, it sounds like she is a miniature version of Celestia. Hell I could very easily see her being your little sister or even worse, you and Starlight used fertility magic to bring her into the world and she has a lot of her grandmare in her.

I will say this though, Luster Dawn is a far better friend than either you or Starlight could ever be. I know she is loyal to those she cares about and I know for damn sure now that you two are immortal goddesses with infinite power, that you won't even come visit me anymore because Faust forbid you two go one second without being able to rip the fabric of time, imprison anyone you want in a painting or boil them away like water.

Now regarding Luster, she is in a lot of trouble over here and I think the least you two could do is come over here and get her out of the mess she is in. You see, she tried to break into Dr. Colgate's house and rescue Fluttershy and their daughter, Crest. I told her about the horrible things that happened and she wanted to help Fluttershy but was caught and arrested. She was hauled before their dictator friend, Mik-Gnoj Nu, and was immediately sentenced to twelve years of hard labor in an isolated part of the country.

I want to go save her but I know that I would wind up in there too if I tried. I have tried talking to Colgate about talking to Mik since she is friends with him and see if she could get him to pardon her but she won't. She went into a tirade, slapped me and yelled about how I was trying to steal her wife and child. I know that you don't exactly get along with Luster but she is your protege and would you really want her to have to go through twelve years of hard labor?

Anyway, I don't think I'll be contacting you as much and as far as Starlight goes, I never want to have to deal with her again. Hell forget it, after Luster is finally free, I'm thinking I may only keep in touch with her and Trixie since they are both nice ponies, not power hungry, incestuous greedy bitches like the two of you are. Again though, please come and try to save Luster.

Signed,

Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset,

First off I'd like to know where you get off bashing my incredibly sexy sister and I like that. In the event you don't remember or are choosing to forget it, I am the one who fixed you over there. I am the one that got you to see that friendship is important and get everpony, I mean everyone else, to stop despising you. If I weren't so nice back then, I would have simply dragged your ass back here to Equestria and had Celestia either banish you to the moon or throw you in Tartarus. Remember Sunny, you STILL owe me for you being so well liked over there.

Now regarding everything Luster told you. Just so you know, she is a lying bitch who will tell lies left and right if she thinks that she can win sympathy and dumb shit like that. Hell she even lied to her no good acquaintances when I sent her to Ponyville. She claimed that I would kill her if they didn't at least tolerate her presence so they took her in as an acquaintance and while I highly doubt it will ever happen, I am hoping that she can befriend them someday. Given that she suddenly has Trixie as a marefriend, that likely won't happen so she has failed me there already.

Don't believe her when it comes to Bright Beam though. Outside of Bright Beam pissing the two of us off one time, she is a perfect angel. She is smart, she is successful, she has common sense, she has very good taste in mares and she takes advantage of situations where she can bring in money. Unlike Luster, Bright Beam won't ever have to be begging me or my sister for money since she makes good money running the school and strikes it rich all the time in Las Pegasus.

Now regarding the things my hot sister and I have done. So what if we're incestuous? We love each other, we find one another incredibly sexy and we are infinitely powerful so I don't see what the problem is. I'm sure if your sister was as sexy as mine is, you'd be bucking her too. Now you know we've been doing this for an extremely long time, well before we ascended. Hell we even did it back when Starlight and Trixie were marefriends. You see, that is how incredibly hot I am, I kept my sexy sister from committing to Trixie. Trust me, commitment is a horrible thing and tying yourself down to one pony is denying yourself the fun you deserve....hell even Starlight and I get it on with our mom and our aunt every now and then and we're perfectly happy! Hell we might even invite Bright Beam and her harem to join us for lots of fun someday!

Ok, about Luster and her twelve years of hard labor. I don't know exactly how our time differences work but I think her serving those twelve years will build character. If twelve years of chipping rocks or whatever dumb shit she is having to do will knock her down a few pegs, I'm all for it! Maybe when she is freed and comes home, she'll be more down to earth like Bright Beam and know not to piss me off or do anything stupid to disappoint me.

I will say this though, Luster brought those twelve years on herself! Had she left Colgate alone and not tried to foalnap her wife and child and bring them to Equestria, this would not have happened. Now if you will excuse me, my incredibly sexy sister and I have a whole three days of sisterly bonding ahead of us and I don't feel like having to put up with this shit. Oh and Sunset, I'll say this since you're a human with no magic, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

Your Former Friendship Teacher,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. No Bright Beam is not related to us! Just because she behaves like us and our incredibly hot mom, that does not mean she is related to us. Besides we have two step-daughters so we don't need to bring any biological foals into this world....although I do think using fertility spells on one another would be fun!

Special: Through the Mirror, Part 2

Dear Twibitch,

Well twelve years have passed over here and Luster Dawn was finally released from that labor camp. Right now she is traumatized and doesn't want anything to do with you ever again. I offered to take her in and help her get on her feet and despite not having any magic, she agreed. I am the manager of a local supermarket and I told her I would hire her as a cashier and that she would have plenty of opportunities to advance.

I do hope you know that you have lost a good protege. Yes on your side of the mirror she wasn't perfect but she is a hell of a lot better than that protege of Starlight's. At least Luster has morals and isn't crooked as hell nor does she want to screw everything with a pussy. Yes she misses Trixie but doesn't want to have to face your wrath if she were to return. She knows you will likely do something bad to her solely for going through the mirror, much less trying to help someone who is the human version of a pony I know you despise.

I suppose now both of you can give your sole attention to Bright Beam but Luster and I were talking and she no longer cares. I am her friend and she is beginning to make friends over here. Hell she has even met the human version of Trixie but is not pursuing her because she hopes that maybe someday pony Trixie will come through the mirror and they can be together for the rest of their lives. Hell I will even go through the mirror, tell Trixie about what is going on and I know she'll come over to be with her beloved Luster.

I would write more but Luster and I are going out shopping, I want to get her some new clothes because what they gave her when they freed her is not stylish at all.

Luster's Best Friend,

Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset ,

Oh isn't that so fucking sweet, you're taking a law breaking narcissistic bitch in? Well guess what, that ain't happening on my watch. I'll cast a spell on myself to remain a pony and I'll come through that mirror and drag her ass home myself if I have to and mark my words, if I have to, Luster will not like the results. Now you better let Luster read what I'm going to write next or you're coming home and will face a terrible punishment at the hooves of not only me but also my incredibly sexy sister for what you said about us.

Dear Luster,

Now you listen to me and you listen to me good. Your new little friend told me about how you are planning on staying over there and working at some grocery store but guess what, that ain't happening! Remember, Starlight and I are infinitely powerful and I plan on casting a spell on myself to where I will remain a pony, come through that mirror and drag your ass back home. If I have to do that, you will not like the results!

Do you want to know what I will do though if I have to do that? Well before I come to get you, I will kill your parents, seize all their assets, sell them off and give the money to Bright Beam. I will also transform Cozy Glow into an Alicorn and give her the castle. I will then kill Trixie and then throw her corpse at you when we do get home so if you don't want your precious little marefriend dead, you'll get your ass home ASAP.

Now if you aren't home within 24 Equestrian hours, I will do everything I just said I'd do before coming to get you. Now you have a pleasant day Luster!

Demanding You Come Home,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twibitch,

Fine, I'll come home! I have always known how truly terrible you are but this really takes the cake. The very fact that you'd kill my beloved Trixie is the ONLY reason I'll come back. You can kill my parents and I wouldn't care that much and giving Bright Beam the money from those assets wouldn't really matter but to kill the one I love is unforgivable. I'll get home immediately, but only for Trixie.

Fearing For Trixie's Life,

Luster Dawn

To a tyrannical, horrible heartless bitch,

You know what Twilight, you are beyond horrible. Why couldn't you just let Trixie come to the human world and let her and Luster live a happy life? Oh wait, I forgot it is because you are far worse than that bitch mother of yours could ever be. You have to have things your way or no way and you get way too much pleasure out of making everypony except that bitch sister of yours and Bright Beam miserable. I just hope that Luster and I can see one another again some time.

Signed,

Sunset Shimmer

Special: Through the Mirror, Part 3

To the biggest bitch of all time,

This is The Great and Powerful Trixie and Trixie is letting you know that Luster has come home and she is not one bit happy with what you said to her. She has known for quite some time what a horrible pony you are but is beyond shocked over the threats you made. She is saddened and angry that you would make threats to kill The Great and Powerful Trixie just because she went through the mirror, spent some time with Sunset and then wound up getting arrested.

Right now that twelve years of hard labor you allowed them to put her through has scarred her both physically and psychologically. Even with her being back home she is not getting better. Spike has constantly been laughing at her and calling her "Locked Up Luster" and Cozy Glow is constantly talking about finding Grogar's bell, stealing her magic and taking it for herself. Right now The Great and Powerful Trixie is the only one she even feels comfortable talking to.

We have made a decision though, we are going to go take a vacation in Maretonia for a while because she wants to get away from your prying eyes and so does Trixie. We are not sure exactly when we will return but mark Trixie's word, she will ruin your reputation over there by writing a letter to the editor of all their newspapers so they know how horrible you are. Trixie will spill the beans on everything. She will let them know how you treat Luster, she will let them know how you and your sister buck all the time and she will let them know everything all of you have done to Trixie just so you two can keep the monarchy in a single bloodline.

Now The Great and Powerful Trixie must be getting going because her and Luster are heading out.

Going On Vacation,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Trixie,

Guess what, I don't give a shit. You and Luster go ahead and take a vacation because I really need a break from her AND you. Also, go ahead and write letters to their newspapers. Starlight and I don't care what those lesser equines think of us. We are the most powerful beings in existence so their opinions of us are meaningless. Oh and tell Luster that I'm deactivating that pre-paid debit card while you two are gone. If she ain't going to use it for Cozy and Spike, she doesn't need it.

Happy You and Luster are Leaving,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Spike and Cozy Glow,

I'm not sure how you two have been doing with Luster's absence and having to put up with Trixie's arrogance but enclosed in this letter is a new pre-paid debit card. The card currently has 2,500 bits on it and will reload the same amount on it every two weeks. Unlike the one Luster was using, this one can be used anywhere so if you two want anything from anywhere, feel free to buy it. Just don't go out and buy anything for Luster or Trixie because neither one of them are deserving of it. Anyway, have fun you two.

Giving You a Better Card,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

Golly geez Twilight, what has gotten into you? Why are you being so generous all of a sudden? It wasn't all that long ago that you were upset that Luster freed me from my prison and now you're giving me and Spike more money to spend. We both appreciate it but I still can't help but wonder if you don't have more sinister plans because this is so unlike you. Anyway, thanks for making sure we're taken care of.

Grateful,

Cozy Glow and Spike

Return of the Sirens (S2 E10)

Dear Starlight,

Well I don't know what the hell is going on but there were three new unicorns that showed up in town and they decided to put on a show, well more like a concert. I was busy grading papers and then spending some time playing with Shadow when it happened but I heard ponies out fighting and yelling at one another. I headed out there and saw three unicorns with red pendants. Now you know I've done a lot of extra studying in my day and I immediately knew who those ponies were. Somehow those damn sires returned to Equestria but became ponies!

Also, I had read about how in the human world that Twilight and her friends had found a way to destroy those pendants they had but somehow they were restored. Now I didn't like seeing the town fighting and beginning to destroy one another's property so I did what any good unicorn would do. I cast a protection bubble around myself to deflect the energy of their hate generating singing. I then attacked them and managed to rip those necklaces off of them. Now yeah they weren't one bit pleased and now they are barging into every home in Ponyville looking for those pendants.

I am pretty sure they never saw me take those things into the bottom of the school for safe keeping until either you or Twilight can come and take them to a place where they can be locked away and never be seen again. Now I am very upset that they broke into my mansion but they took off running after Shadow attacked them and clawed up their faces. All of them, especially this purple one with pigtails was bitching at Shadow and called him the worst. I had to punish her for that so I attacked her again and broke her muzzle. Nopony calls my precious Shadow names and gets away with it, nopony!

Those bitches are still prowling around Ponyville and are threatening everypony that if they find who took their pendants, that they will punish them severely. Well if they come and bother me and especially if they harass my cat again, three former sirens are gonna die! Now if you or Twilight can come get those pendants, it would be greatly appreciated.

Storing Magical Pendants,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

That is sweet! It does sound like the sirens that at one time Starswirl banished have returned. Now how they became unicorns is beyond me but I do want to thank you for avoiding their hate generating singing and getting those pendants away from them. Now they can sing all they want and they won't cause any kind of disharmony.

I do find it amusing that you and Shadow both put them in their place. Yes I can imagine that they are all upset over not only their pendants going missing but their pretty little faces getting clawed up. You know, I am so glad that you were the one who was there to handle those three. Had it been Luster, she would have fallen victim to their singing because she isn't smart enough to cast protection bubbles around herself, well that and she would have done something stupid and got herself arrested.

Anyway, I will come down there tomorrow and get those pendants so my incredibly sexy sister and I can destroy them and then hide the shards so they can't retrieve them and find a way to fix them again. Now I do have some good news, for stopping three villains from turning Equestria into a land full of hateful disharmony, you shall receive a 2,500 bit bonus! See you tomorrow!

Happy You Stopped the Sirens,

Starlight

To Whoever Lives in that Castle,

Hi, my name is Aria Blaze and I am writing upon myself along with Adagio Dazzle and Sonata Dusk. We know that theft is likely a crime here and we want you to punish this annoying pastel green unicorn who attacked us and stole them, ugh I swear, that green unicorn is THE WORST! To make matters worse, her cat attacked us and then she broke my muzzle. That has to be a crime. Could you please make that bitch give us our pendants back and make her pay for me getting my muzzle fixed. If not we will break into every house in town until our pendants are found and punish everypony who gets in our way.

Demanding Answers,

Aria Blaze

Dear Aria,

Golly Geez aren't you a grumpy pony? Hey, I'm just a kid and I don't know anything about who took your pendants so don't bother me.

Cozy Glow

A Normal Equestria (S2 E11)

To the citizens of Equestria,

We, the Goddess-Queens that you are all mandated by law to love and worship, have some absolutely wonderful news. As you all know, for as long as anypony can remember, us ponies have had to handle the weather and change the seasons. Regardless of what kind of pony one is, we have all had to put up with this unnatural shit since before the founding of Equestria. While we know everypony will be eternally grateful to us, we believe that will especially be true when it comes to the earth ponies and pegasi since they always get stuck doing the most demeaning activities, activities that are far beneath anything we would ever do.

Well given that both of us now have infinite powers, we did some studying and we reversed that spell that requires ponies to not only have to handle the weather, but also do dumb shit like waking up animals and bringing idiotic birds back home after winter has been cleared away. Now things here in Equestria will operate normally like they do in other parts of the world.

You want to know what is great about this? All across our wonderful country, there will no longer be a lost day of productivity since events like Winter Wrap Up, creating winter and The Running of the Leaves will no longer be necessary. The snow will melt on its own depending on the weather patterns and leaves will actually fall on their own! This is fucking sweet, don't you think?

Also, no longer will we be bankrupting the country by paying pegasi to change the weather. It wasn't just paying them that was harming us economically but those damn pensions were killing us. Now we are sure that we will see an extremely small uptick in unemployment for a while until those pegasi can find REAL jobs. Hey, the economy is booming and so many places across the country are hiring so it shouldn't be difficult.

Oh and to the earth ponies, you should be thanking us big time because now you don't have to clear the snow from your fields with heavy manual labor. Just wait for the snow to melt and then plant your seeds. We are sure your quality of life will increase ten fold thanks to us, the most powerful and best creatures on the face of the planet.

Now the two of us will say this: YOU'RE WELCOME! You're welcome for us making your lives so much easier. You have know idea how long the two of us have been planning on doing this and it was just today that we finally decided to free all of you from such menial labor that is beneath Goddesses like us!

Now finally, we have some spectacular news! Both of us are in incredibly good moods so we have decided not to send bills to any of you! All we expect is your gratitude BUT if anypony protests us doing this and demands that we return things to the old ways, they will be fined 25% of their income for the next 25 years and will be flogged 25,000 times in the courtyard underneath our balcony. Now enjoy letting the weather handle itself everypony!

Your Supreme Leaders and Goddess-Queens,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and Cloudsdale, you will no longer be needed to create raindrops or snowflakes so have fun finding some other way to keep your economy afloat losers!

To a Couple of Bitches Who Disrespect Tradition,

Ah can't believe y'all would do this. Ah never once imagined that you two would spit on tradition like this. Well Ah can kind of understand Starlight because of her impatience but still, it is the way things have been since before the founding of Equestria. Now we are going to have to put up with droughts and floods. We could very well have famines now because of natural disasters.

Ah know y'all probably did this to spite all of us since y'all clearly think y'all are better than us non-magical ponies. Ah don't know what us earth ponies are going to do now if our crops fail. We'll probably go out of business and then everypony will starve. Curse both of y'all to Tartarus.

Very Pissed Off,

Applejack

To Our Tyrannical Leaders,

I can't believe you'd do this. I can not believe you would put so many pegasi out of work. So many of us have talents that involve handling the weather and aren't suited for other lines of work. You know, I thought both of you understood friendship and respected Equestrian culture but today both of you proved that you don't do either.

I do want to let you know this, just because the economy is booming and places are hiring across the country, it doesn't mean it is like that everywhere. Many of us are going to have to relocate our families and move away from our friends because all these job opportunities you talk about are back east and in Las Pegasus. That may be fine for some but a lot of us don't want to have to move to places like that because the big city life isn't for us.

I am especially upset that the two of you think that paying pegasi to control the weather and paying us our pensions is bankrupting the country. I know you likely just see me as a brain dead jock but I do know enough about the economy that paying us pegasi for our services has never bankrupted the country or harmed it in the slightest. If it had done so, Princess Celestia would have tried to undo that spell herself and put us all out of work. You two just did this because you have superiority complexes because of your immense power and are using the bankruptcy bullshit as an excuse.

I can't believe that I ever thought of either one of you as friends. Given who your mother is though, I suppose your greed should come as no surprise. She was so greedy and I have heard about your fining of Luster's parents and how they are pretty much Bright Beam's personal ATM thanks to you but I think both of you are worse than Celestia could ever dream of being. Whatever, thanks to you now I have to go and try to find a "real job" as you two put it.

And you do know now that Cloudsdale will likely turn into a ghost town because it likely won't get any tourism to bring in money and it can't make anything else other than rain and snow. You're dooming an entire community to the fate of becoming a ghost town.

Beyond Pissed,

Rainbow Dash

To the Most Horrible Ponies Ever,

I can't believe you two. You two knew how much I along with my cousin Bunny Tracks enjoyed waking up the critters during Winter Wrap Up and now we won't be able to do that anymore. Many ponies are upset how you two threw tradition in the trash just so Equestria can have "normal" weather patterns like the rest of the world. Everything we had is what made Equestria unique, we never had to worry about natural disasters and our critter friends never had to starve.

Pretty soon there will be disharmony and that will cause the windigoes to return and then everypony will turn against you two and while we don't know how we'd do it but we'd find a way to oust you two and maybe talk your mom out of retirement so that things can return to normal and ponies can be happy again. I honestly don't care what you two do to me because if you do do anything bad to me, Discord will create lots and lots of bits and crash the economy.

Sad and Upset,

Fluttershy

Dear Starlight and Twilight,

What you two did is fucking sweet! I always love it when you do things like this to make life better for Equestria. Down here in Ponyville ponies are out protesting all this with signs reading "Bring back Winter Wrap Up" and "Restore Tradition." What a bunch of idiots. I'm sure when the time comes for those antiquated events that caused a lost day of productivity and they no longer have to mess with it, they'll be thanking you.

Now the students were saddened that they wouldn't get a day off from school to help with these events but once I promised them a field trip to Las Pegasus when events such as Winter Wrap Up, creating winter and The Running of the Leaves would have came along, they changed their tune in a hurry. I would write more but my harem and I are set to meet in the steam room in thirty minutes and I still need to go feed Shadow. You two have a wonderful day.

Thankful for Everything You Two Do,

Bright Beam

To all our "Friends" in Ponyville,

Get over it, ok? We simply believed that antiquated and ridiculous traditions needed to be done away with and Crash, we don't know where you got your economic figures from but paying those pegasi along with their damn pensions was harming the economy. We both know that you finding a real job will likely be hard and you'll likely have to move to a big city but oh well, that is how life goes. You go where the jobs are. If you want to remain in this region, we could always use more maids or when Luster bitch gets back from her little trip with Trixie, you can go be her maid and stay in Ponyville. Now if you will excuse us we have some sisterly bonding we need to engage in.

Everypony's Superiors,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and Rainbow, we don't care about Cloudsdale. Having a city in the sky is unnatural and we will just use our magic to shoot it out of the sky in a couple of weeks anyway so don't worry about it.

Oh and Fluttershy, you do realize that the very idea of trying to overthrow us is high treason don't you. Equestrian law dictates that either one of us could come and kill you, whether you are in Discord's realm or in Ponyville. You better be glad we have much more important things on our agenda or you'd be dead within an hour. Also, don't worry about the windigoes. Remember, the two of us have infinite powers so if they show up, all it would take is one bolt of our magic to wipe them out so we have nothing to worry about.

Dear Bright Beam,

We knew that if one pony would appreciate what we did that it would be you. It is amazing how promising field trips to the students really changes their tune isn't it? We will say this, we look back at things and we are so happy that we put you in charge of the friendship school instead of Luster. Both of us can only imagine how horrible that place would have been had we put her in charge.

To be honest, we think that had we put her in charge, that place would have wound up having to shut down within six months because all the students would have left and gone home because of how rigid it would have become. Chances are that along with that, she would have started a global war by filling the students' minds full of non-sense like she did a while back. Well we really need to get going, sisterly bonding awaits!

Happy You're Grateful,

Starlight and Twilight

Dear Twilight "Fuck Tradition" Sparkle,

I am over in Maretonia right now as you know and I heard over the news that you and your bitch sister cast a permanent spell to allow nature to run its course, basically spitting in Equestrian tradition that dates back to before the nation's founding. I always knew that you two hated the way things were ran in Equestria and you doing this sealed the deal. So now Equestria is going to be vulnerable to droughts and floods simply because paying pegasi was allegedly bankrupting the country.

Here is what the real reason is, you two simply want to take your infinite powers and force your will upon the citizens of Equestria. While I do find things such as Winter Wrap Up and The Running of the Leaves as stupid, I know how much many ponies love those events and you go and take them away. I am betting that Bunny Girl is devastated that you took away her ability to wake up the animals every spring. Now I am going to stop here because I don't think I can continue to write to you heartless bitches who let me be enslaved for twelve years any further.

Always Despising You,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Oh and since when have you actually given a shit about the ponies of Equestria? Throughout you whole sorry, miserable pathetic life you have always been about you. I think I know why you are suddenly pretending to care. You are doing so because my incredibly sexy sister and I fixed things over here and you are upset.

Now one thing is not sitting well with me right now. You have been out of the country for way too long. Remember Luster, you do have duties down there in Ponyville and you have pretty much abandoned them. Now one part of me is pissed but another part of me is elated. Part of me is elated because if you're gone for too long, I'll simply revoke you and Trixie's passports, drop you as my protege and hell, just to spite you I'll ascend Cozy Glow and make her my protege instead.

Want to know something even more fun? Once you'd be over there too long, you'd likely be deemed illegals! Their leaders would then contact me and ask me if I want them to deport the two of you or lock you up over there and I'd tell them to lock you up, lock both of you up! So get your ass home if you know what is good for you.

Demanding You Come Home,

Your Owner,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To My Daughters,

It is about time you two decide to reverse that spell. Luna and I were wondering if you were ever going to do it or if you were simply all talk and cared too much about the feelings of the earth ponies and the pegasi. Down here in Silver Shoals, everypony is thrilled that you have done it. I don't know if they're just putting on a show knowing I'm your mother and they are worried I would banish them to the moon if they don't support you or if their thoughts are genuine.

I can only imagine how those lesser than you two are behaving right now. I can imagine that the ponies down in Ponyville and other podunk backwater towns are probably shitting bricks over their lousy traditions being taken away but I'm sure the city ponies are happy over this. You'll have to let me know how things are going because I am very curious, especially when it comes to Crash since she is now out of a job. Anyway, I'm so proud of you and please let me know how certain ponies are reacting!

Love,

Mom

Dear Mom,

Well we figured that the time had come. Last year Bright Beam won a fancy trophy for breaking the record in The Running of the Leaves and since that will no longer be necessary, her record is now safe. Also, Luster's record for being the slowest pony ever is safe too since we did this.

Regarding how some ponies are behaving, it is rather humorous. PETA Girl and her cousin, Bunny Tracks (aka Bunny Girl) are all pissy because they won't have to wake those stupid animals up anymore. Now those critters will get their asses out of bed on their own. PETA Girl's letter to us was priceless. You know I could see her throwing herself out to Colgate if we'd restore their dumb traditions but that ain't going to happen. She could let Colgate tear her a hundred new assholes but that still wouldn't sway us.

Applejack is also throwing a fit over this. She is so upset because using manual labor to plow their fields and shit is what is traditional. Faust forbid the weather handle itself in her eyes. We swear, she is just as pissy as PETA Girl is and we both find it downright hilarious!

Now for Crash, that dumb bitch is by far pissed off the most. She was whining about all those pegasi suddenly being out of a job and had the audacity to call us liars over how we brought up paying the pegasi was bankrupting the country. Ok, it may not have been but it was easily believed by the ponies of the big cities who support us. To top that off, she was bitching about how pegasi family were having to move where the jobs were and how distance was being put between them and their families! What a sentimental little bitch, right?

She even brought up how some of them are only suited to handle the weather and to us, that makes them pretty much worthless. If all they can do is handle weather then they deserve to be doing menial jobs or even whoring themselves out on a street corner in some big city. If they can't adapt, then they have no place in society.

Bright Beam has brought up to us that ponies down in Ponyville are protesting and even rioting over this shit. Our view is that if ponies pull that shit, we can just expand Tartarus for them. Civil unrest is something that does not sit well with us and anypony who causes problems will be punished accordingly. Some we may just fine, some we will torture and then some will go to Tartarus.

Oh and one other pony is all pissy, Luster Dawn. Yep, she went off pretending that she actually gives a shit about the ponies of this country. She went on and on about how we hurt their feelings by taking their traditions away from them and we called her out on it. We told her that she only cared because it was us who did this. Anyway, we thought we'd let you know about all the issues some ponies are having. You have a pleasant day mom!

Love Your Daughters,

Starlight and Twilight

To My Daughters,

I am so proud of you! I am so proud that you two used your infinite powers to not only reverse that spell but piss so many ponies off! It is obvious that you two are so much more like me and not so much like your father. Speaking of your father, he dropped by yesterday and we had a good lunch. Now I do have a big favor to ask of you, would you please ascend Firelight into being an immortal Alicorn with my level of power so that him and I will never be parted. We have decided that if you will do this, we will get married. Yes we should have done all this back when you two ascended but he had that emergency in Sire's Hollow and then we lost touch. Let us know if you'll do this, alright?

Love,

Mom

Mom,

Well it is about time that you and dad finally decided to get married. Come on up here as soon as you can and we'll get all of this taken care of. Dad can become like you and don't worry, to make sure this whole thing is set up right, we'll have Bright Beam set it up. She is a pure gem and we know it will be perfect with her doing it.

Love Your Daughters,

Starlight and Twilight

ENN Special: Protests Against Normalcy

Author's Notes:

Further down in the chapter Starlight and Twilight will be interviewed in a live news report. The following colors will indicate each character and what they say.

Starlight's Dialogue

Twilight's Dialogue

Hard News's Dialogue

Report from the Equestria News Network

15 July 2020

Hi, I'm Hard News and in today's news, recently the two Goddess-Queens, Starlight Glimmer and Twilight Sparkle reversed the spell that required ponies to do things such as weather control and taking care of animals. That was the way things were ever since before the founding of Equestria. Thanks to the Royal Pony Sisters, the weather will now control itself and ponies will no longer be burdened with having to change seasons, handle the weather and no longer will they have to take care of the animals since they will care for themselves now.

In a letter to the nation, the Royal Pony Sisters gave good reasons why they did what they did. Many ponies however took their letter as rather insulting and demeaning towards non-magical ponies and took it as spitting in the face of Equestrian traditions.

The opinions of what they did are radically different in different parts of the country. Today in Manehattan, a huge part of the city's population gathered to hold a rally in celebration of what the Sisters did. Almost all the ponies brought gifts for the city to give to the Sisters as gifts for freeing them from having to do things that they felt are beneath them and that did nothing but inconvenience them.

Similar things happened in the cities of Fillydelphia, Baltimare, Marentreal, Mareami, Whinnyapolis, Omareha, Las Pegasus and naturally Canterlot. Ponies in the larger cities across Equestria are overwhelmingly happy and fully support what the Sisters did. Many ponies in the cities had signs that read, "Thank You Starlight and Twilight," "We love the Two Sisters" and "Long Live Starlight and Twilight."

Not all of Equestria is thrilled over what they did though. In the smaller, mostly earth pony communities, ponies are outraged. Protests have become a daily occurrence and some have even turned violent as protestors have been clashing with federal law enforcement officers that the Sisters had to send in to protect property and businesses from looting.

Vanhoover has been the one large city where ponies are upset over the end of tradition and the violence there has been the worst. Protestors have clashed with police who have attempted to keep the protestors out of the street and out of private neighborhoods. Unicorn supporters of the traditions went as far as taking over part of the city, including the third precinct and have used their magic to set up the Vanhoover Bay Autonomous Zone, an area where police are not welcome and they are trying to restore traditions to that single area using their magic. So far their attempts have been fruitless but the unicorns have stated that they will keep trying to fight for the traditions their earth pony and pegasi friends love so much.

Not much has been heard from the capitol but today we have Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle with us live from Canterlot.

Your Majesties, it is nice to have you with us today.

It is nice to be here.

"Likewise."

Goddess-Queen Starlight, Goddess-Queen Twilight, reactions over your decision to reverse that spell have been met with mixed reactions across the country. What are your thoughts on this?

"Well we are happy to see so many ponies across the country being happy over the decision. It is a decision that we made that will aid a majority of the country."

"And the fact that many ponies in the cities are going as far as gathering gifts to send to us greatly humbles us. We want to thank you all."

"Not all ponies feel this way though. Many ponies have taken your letter to the nation personally. The ponies of the big cities simply see you two as being sarcastic and trolling the traditionalists but the small town ponies are not thrilled one bit over the letter and the language you used."

"Well the big city ponies have to deal with more unpleasant interactions on a daily basis so that is likely why they just took the language with a grain of salt."

"The small town ponies however, they are just too sensitive and take everything the wrong way."

Alright but also in the smaller communities and in Vanhoover, ponies have been protesting over your actions. In some communities, even the small ones where ponies normally wouldn't do this, there has been protesting, rioting, looting and even acts of arson. What are your opinions of this?"

"Regarding the protesting, this is just proof that they are stupid. They are all pissy and going out inconveniencing everypony else when they should be thanking my incredibly sexy sister and I for freeing them from those demeaning activities."

"Regarding the rioting, looting and the arson though, that is unacceptable. All of those actions are crimes and we have discussed this and we will be sending members of the national police out to investigate and bring those who partook in such activities before us to be put on trial."

"Also, up in Vanhoover we have had a large amount of violent protesting where more looting has taken place and some of the more radical protestors, led by traditionalist unicorns, have barricaded off a several block area around the city's third precinct and have taken the police station over as their headquarters. What do you plan on doing about this?"

"We have heard local reports out of Vanhoover that the protestors there have done a lot more than the activities that have taken place in other communities, activities that are negatively affecting those who live in the area but do not support their movement."

"From what we have heard, they are extorting the ponies and businesses that lie within the Vanhoover Bay Autonomous Zone. We have heard reports that they are demanding money from businesses and if they refuse to hand it over to the so-called protestors, they will loot and then burn down their businesses. We have also heard from local news sources that they are simply going into ponies' homes and taking whatever they want, often times a unicorn will accompany them with their horn glowing ready to strike."

"My oh-so-sexy sister and I have been discussing this and we have decided that if this 'Autonomous Zone' is not cleared out within twenty-four hours, that all those who are taking part in operating it will be immediately imprisoned in Tartarus, there is no excuse for such activities."

"While my extremely sexy sister and I hate to see things come to this, what they have done amounts to oppressing other ponies through fear which technically makes them terrorists. Also, by creating an autonomous zone and pretty much declaring themselves separate of Equestria, they are also guilty of treason. Such activities will not be tolerated and they will be punished severely for their actions."

"Other traditionalists across the country are claiming that neither of you two are really fit to rule this country given that you have spit on tradition and then allowed this civil unrest to take place. What is your response to that?"

"Well this civil unrest, outside of Vanhoover, has taken place outside of the larger cities and had not been reported to us until recently. To those of you who are thinking that we are unfit to rule, that too is classified as treason."

"And when it comes to treason, we can easily expand Tartarus to the point where we will never have any shortage of room so my advice to all of you is to just calm down and worship the closest and sexiest pair of sisters in history as is mandated by law."

"Well it has been a pleasure to have your Majesties with us today."

"You're welcome and thank you for having us with you today."

"Likewise and you have a pleasant day."

Well everypony, it is quite obvious that our leaders are not thrilled with the civil unrest and those of us here at ENN have some advice for you, simply behave, worship and love our Goddess-Queens and everything will be fine. Up next, stocks were up for an unprecedented twentieth day in a row. Stay tuned for the market report and after that, international news.

Eternal Parents (S2 E12)

Dear Bright Beam,

I have a very important favor to ask of you. You see, here recently Twilight and I got a letter from our mother and recently our dad visited her and they have decided to get married. This means that we will be ascending our dad and then we will be holding a huge wedding for our parents. Now for the favor, we need you to set up the wedding because we know that if Luster was not out of the country, she would simply fuck everything up like she always does.

Your Mentor,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

Oh yes, yes, yes! Yes I will set up the wedding for your parents! I am so happy that you are giving me this opportunity! I promise I won't let you down!

Happy,

Bright Beam

To My Wonderful Daughters,

I am so happy that you wound up ascending me and then marrying Celestia and I. You have no idea how happy both of us are that now we can be together forever. I know that this is something that we should have done the day you two were conceived or at least born.

I know I apologized before but I wish to do so again. I know now that the two of us denied you two the childhood you deserved, being raised together as sisters and without any kind of secrets about your origins at all. Again thanks for ascending me into an Alicorn so your mother and I will never be parted.

Love,

Dad

To My Sweet Daughters,

You have no idea how happy I am that you did for Firelight and I that you did. I know he has likely apologized (again) for what happened and I wish to do the same. I know I should never have hid the origins of you two from you. I also know that your father and I should have got married and raised you two together regardless of what could have happened regarding the monarchy.

Now I do want to let you in on something. You won't have to worry about me asking you to join me in any mother/daughter bonding time. I am now truly ready to settle down and not just go after any random mare that catches my eye, especially my daughters.

I am impressed by the job that Bright Beam did setting up the wedding, it was absolutely perfect. I am just glad that you didn't have Luster set it up though because I know it would have been a disaster had she done so. Well anyway thanks again and we do hope you'll come visit us soon.

Love,

Mom

Dear Bright Beam,

We both want to thank you so much for doing a perfect job setting up the wedding for our parents. We are going to be honest, you likely did a far better job than even we could have done. Now that both our mother and father are immortal Alicorns and they are married, we will no longer have to worry about our parents becoming nothing more than legends of long lost lore like our maternal grandparents have become.

Now doing such a good job will not go without reward. We have talked and we have decided that not only will we give you a 50,000 bit bonus for doing this but we have also decided to let you in on something. The things you have done so far, particularly stopping the sirens, neutralizing the chaos magic and now this, you are moving closer to fulfilling the destiny that Starlight has had set for you quite some time.

Again thanks for doing such a good job and this weekend, we'll come down and take you out to lunch. See you Saturday!

Happy You Set Up the Perfect Wedding,

Starlight and Twilight

Dear Starlight and Twilight,

Thanks for thinking I did a good job. I met your parents and they are so nice. Celestia kept going on about how you two brag about me to her and tell her how much better than Luster I am. I am happy that you think that way. I also met your dad and he seems really nice. He reminds me of my family's neighbor who would always lend a hoof whenever we needed it. It is obvious that you two got your niceness from both of them.

Now you two are saying that I am moving closer to fulfilling my destiny? What is my destiny? If you don't want to tell me right now I understand but I am just curious! Whatever it is, I know it will be good and that I'll definitely fulfill it long before Luster, that is if she ever fulfills it at all. Anyway, I'm happy you had me set this up for your parents and that they are so happy. See you Saturday!

Happy I Could Help,

Bright Beam

Quarantined in Manehattan, Part 1 (S2 E13)

Dear Twibitch,

Well I have some rather interesting news. You know how Trixie and I went on vacation in Maretonia? Well as it turns out there is a virus called the Coltovirus that is spreading over there and since we came from there, we are being forced to quarantine for two weeks. Here is the thing about the virus, it does something really gross. It causes mares to grow a penis and causes stallions to grow a second penis. Ewww, that is flat out gross.

Now Trixie isn't showing any symptoms but I do have a low grade fever which is a symptom of it. This is concerning both of us. I really don't want to get to the phase where I'd grow a penis because then I'd have to be hospitalized until it went away and then continue to quarantine for another two weeks after being released. I do hope you understand this and won't punish me for still being away from Ponyville.

Please let me know though how Cozy Glow is doing because I do love her and worry about her well being, especially with Spike around given he is your lackey. I know you cancelled that debit card you gave me since I left town but I do hope you are making sure those two have a way to get food because if you aren't keeping them fed in one way or another, that will show what a truly horrible bitch you are.

Hopefully we will get released from quarantine sooner rather than later. Anyway I thought I'd let you know what is going on as to why I haven't got home yet. If things get worse, I'll let you know.

Hoping I don't grow a penis,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster "I might get a dick" Dawn,

Oh for the love of Faust, if it ain't one thing it is another. I almost wonder if you didn't somehow know about their problems and then go over there and then come back to get quarantined just so you could inconvenience me. I know about that virus and I will say this, I do not want you returning to Ponyville until you have a note from a doctor stating that you two do not have the virus and you have not been exposed to anypony who MIGHT have it.

The last thing I need is for you two to bring some dick disease either to Ponyville or Canterlot. There is plenty of travel between the two communities and if it winds up in Ponyville, it could easily spread to Canterlot. Now I do know enough about that disease that if you do get it, you will not only become incredibly gross but mares have a 17.9% fatality rate from it while it only kills 1.79% of stallions who get it. I suppose that is because penises are gross and mares having them really causes shock to their immune system.

Regarding Cozy Glow and Spike, I am seeing to it that they are being fed although I'm sure Cozy will get really freaked out if I were to tell her that her mama will become her papa, well temporarily anyway. Now I am extremely displeased and I am seriously considering doing something that I think would be funny as hell.

I am considering giving Bright Beam the castle, giving custody of Cozy Glow to Bright Beam and giving Spike to her as an assistant. If I was to do that, you would then move into the mansion that Bright Beam currently lives in but you would have no maids. If you wanted any, your parents would have to hire them although I am thinking of forcing Crash to be your maid regardless of where you live.

Anyway, keep me updated alright?

Upset You May Be Infected,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

Hi, this is Dr. Disease Killer and I have some very bad news. Your protege, Luster Dawn and her marefriend Trixie Lulamoon are both in the hospital here in Manehatan. They have been hospitalized because both of them have contracted Coltovirus and both have grown dicks. Trixie is in not so good of shape but Luster is currently in ICU and on a ventilator and when it comes to patients on ventilators, there is normally a 80% mortality rate but with any luck she will pull through.

Given that she is your protege and Trixie is her marefriend, neither will be billed BUT if they recover, they will be required to stay in our quarantine wing for four weeks after their dicks go away. Given that Luster is on a ventilator, even if she survives, she may be gone for at least three more months. I figured I would just let you know what was up with this. You have a pleasant day.

Sincerely,

Dr. Disease Killer

Dear Dr. Disease Killer,

Well shit, this isn't good. I want you to do whatever it takes to save Luster, even if it involves magic that would normally not be used. Yes she can be a pain in the flank but still, she is my protege and I certainly don't want to lose her....and do the same for Trixie even though she has done nothing but cause my incredibly sexy sister and I so many problems over the years. You have a pleasant day.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Bunny Tracks, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,

This is Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle and I am writing to let you know that Luster Dawn is currently in the hospital in Manehattan, on a ventilator, because she decided to be a stupid bitch and travel to Maretonia despite the Coltovirus running rampant. Right now the doctors are not sure if she will survive but if she does, you will all be blessed with three more months of her absence at least.

However, if she does survive and when she returns, I want ALL of you to visit her and Trixie, who has it too, and keep them company. They will need somepony to keep their spirits up because I know Spike likely won't and Cozy Glow is likely making plans to stab her in the back in one way or another. Now don't go thinking that this will be optional, it will be mandatory. Oh and Bunny Girl, even though she has Trixie now, I may still have a not so pleasant surprise for you!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To the Most Horrible Leader of All Time,

What the fuck? First you take our traditions away and now you're going to make us go and lift the spirits of that bitchy acquaintance of ours, assuming she survives? Sweet mother of Faust we hope that bitch dies, well her and Trixie both, but if Luster does survive, we will only do the bare minimum to keep her less bitchy and no we will not put out for her or Trixie. The most we will do is tell her that she isn't a total bitch, alright?

Hating Luster and You,

Luster's Acquaintances

Oh, and whatever kinds of plans you have you dirty bitch, I will not put out for that little whore or her slutty marefriend. I am not about to become a punching bag like what your bitchy mother did to Fluttershy. -- Bunny Tracks

Quarantined in Manehattan, Part 2 (S2 E14)

Dear Bright Beam,

Well my hot-to-trot sister has told me some things and given what has happened, I have some great news for you! In her less than infinite wisdom, Luster and Trixie decided to take a vacation to Maretonia solely because Luster was upset over what happened to her in the human world. Now as you know Luster is an ignorant moron and failed to pay attention to international news involving the Coltovirus running rampant over there.

Well when those two came back, they got quarantined in Manehattan and as it turned out, they had the disease and have both been hospitalized. With that worthless bitch Trixie, she has grown a penis and is currently in not so good shape and is in the hospital. When it comes to Luster, she has not only grown a penis but she is in the ICU and is on a ventilator. Twilight is not one bit pleased about this and because of her stupidity, the two of us have decided the following.

We have decided that you and your harem shall move into the castle immediately. Don't worry, we will send ponies down there to move your possessions to the castle and to move Luster's shit to that mansion you currently live in. Also, Spike will become your assistant and we'll find some other dragon to be Luster's, assuming the virus doesn't kill her. To top all that off, we have decided that you will do a far better job of raising Cozy Glow so IF you want us to, we will transfer parental rights of Cozy over to you.

Now we do hope that you'll enjoy your new living quarters. Now if you start to feel bad for Luster because of her losing the castle and her maybe going to die, don't. Don't look at it as us punishing Luster for being a moron, look at it as us rewarding you for doing such a good job running the school. You have a wonderful day my dear protege.

Giving You a Castle,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

Now this is beyond fucking sweet! I never imagined that I'd get to live in the castle. Now before I continue on, I think it would be best if you allow Luster to continue to be Cozy's step-mother. Cozy loves her like she is her real mother and I think it would be best if we don't disrupt her life like that. Regarding Spike though, I think he would be a wonderful assistant. You know one time he was telling me about this fat, obnoxious jackass dragon that pretended to be his father named Sludge. You should find him and make him be Luster's protege, assuming she survives.

Now regarding Luster, good grief she is dumb! She and Trixie decide to go on a trip to a place that is a known hot-spot for the Coltovirus. I am however questioning why the fuck you two didn't close the borders the moment you heard about the Coltovirus because who knows how many ponies may have this disgusting disease in Equestria now. I just hope the hell that shit hasn't got to Ponyville because being stung to death by murder hornets would be preferable to ever getting this filthy disease and growing a dick and you know how scared I am of stinging insects.

Now I'm going to go get myself a face mask and a ton of sanitizer to protect myself in the event somepony around here might have it. Hell I might even have to either close the school temporarily because of this or at least quarantine everycreature just to keep everyone down here safe.

Happy But Pissed At the Same Time,

Bright Beam

P.S. I know Luster has that mirror in the castle. Could you do me a favor and get it the hell out of there? I am asking this because mirrors freak me out, especially magical ones that go to inferior worlds. It would be much appreciated if you did. Oh and one more thing, I am going to buy face masks for the students and plenty of hand sanitizer for the school in the event there may be asymptomatic individuals in town that the students may interact with.

Dear Bright Beam,

Ok, I get it, we had a terrible lapse of judgement involving the borders but we were dealing with the civil unrest that followed our making everypony's lives easier. I suppose sometimes even immortal, infinitely powerful goddesses can slip up once in a great while. Don't worry though, if anypony down there was to contract it, you especially, I will come down there and heal you.

Don't worry about the borders, we will issue an executive order closing the borders as soon as I finish this letter with you. Twilight and I will even delay our sisterly bonding because you are right, the borders must be closed.

Now regarding Cozy Glow, we will have Luster remain her step-mother but if Luster dies, would you be willing to be her step-mother because my oh-so-sexy sister and I really don't feel like raising a former villain and there is nopony else we would trust to raise her.

Knowing You're Right,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

P.S. Don't worry abut having to buy the masks and sanitizer, we'll compensate you for the cost plus 10%, alright?

Dear Starlight,

Well good, I'm glad you're going to close our borders and regarding Cozy Glow, IF Luster dies, which I hope the hell she doesn't, I will adopt Cozy Glow. If that bitch survives though, I will foalsit Cozy when necessary but I sure the fuck won't adopt her because like I said, Cozy loves her.

Now hurry up and close the damn borders, ok? Even though you would heal me right away, I don't want a fucking nasty ass dick for even one second.

Wanting You to Close the Borders,

Bright Beam

P.S. Oh and thanks for going to compensate me. After all, this is YOUR fault and I shouldn't have to pay for your mistakes. Hell just make everypony's lives easier and fine Luster's parents over her stupidity.

Special: The Sisters Address the Country

To the Citizens of Equestria,

As those of you who follow international news know, over in Maretonia this new virus known as the Coltovirus is currently running rampant. The virus causes mares to grow a penis and causes stallions to grow a second penis. The virus currently has a mortality rate of 17.9% for mares and 1.79% for stallions. It is believed that the mortality rate is so high in mares because of the growth of a penis causes extreme shock to a mare's immune system.

From what doctors in Maretonia have told us, the virus first causes ponies to develop a persistent cough, a constant runny nose and a low grade fever. In mild cases, that is the most that will happen and no extra anatomy will appear. In moderate cases, fevers will be higher, the coughing will be worse and be accompanied with mucous. In the worse cases, a penis will form and fevers will be very high, perhaps life threatening. The worse cases will also involve violent coughing and a near steady flow of discharge from the nose.

Now in the absolute worst cases, not only will a penis grow, patients will develop an extremely high fever and in the worst of the worst cases, patients will have to be placed on a ventilator. The bad thing about those cases is that there is an 80% mortality rate for patients, both mares and stallions, that wind up having to be put on ventilators.

There have been ponies, Equestrian citizens, who have traveled to Maretonia that have returned and both are currently hospitalized in Manehattan. Now we are unsure as to how many ponies carrying the virus here in Equestria as there are ponies who are asymptomatic and simply carry the virus but never get sick from it. Because the virus has gotten to Equestria, we have come to the following decisions.

For starters, effective immediately, we are closing all borders indefinitely. The virus is spread across the world and we do not want to risk any more ponies coming in that may have it than already have. Nopony comes in and nopony goes out so that we will not be responsible for infecting other nations. The last thing we need is leaders of inferior nations bitching at us for introducing the virus to their countries.

Also, we have decided to institute a national mask mandate. Everycreature must wear a face mask so that in the event they have the virus, they will not spread it to others. Now we are unsure as to whether this disease only affects ponies or if it affects others too but better be safe than sorry.

Also, we are instituting national social distancing guidelines. We ask that everycreature stand or sit at least six feet apart to minimize spread. Also, while we hate to do this, effective immediately all restaurants, bars, hotels, gyms and unnecessary businesses must close to also minimize spread. Places such as the post office, places for ponies to worship us and grocery stores will remain opening but proper social distancing and face mask mandates will be enforced.

Another thing that we hate to do but it must be done is that schools must be temporarily closed to prevent potential spread. The virus affects ponies equally, regardless of age so a foal is just as likely to get it and spread it as an old pony is. For the time being, remote learning will be necessary because we can not have foals sitting on their dead asses and not learning anything. We don't want stupid, uneducated foals!

Now we all know that this will negatively affect the economy as ponies will not be working BUT we will not allow our economy to collapse like it has in other nations. Effective immediately, families will receive checks of 6,000 bits per month and individuals will receive checks of 2,500 bits per month. This of course will depend on a creature's income. Those who earn more than 250,000 bits per year will receive half of that and those who earn over 500,000 bits per year will receive 20% of it. If an individual or a family's income is or exceeds 1 million bits, they will receive no checks since they can obviously survive without any government aid.

Because of this, we ask that you do not file for unemployment because you'll get your stimulus checks and all your jobs will still be there when the restrictions lift. If any place fires you during the lock down, those businesses will be punished severely and you will be able to get a settlement out of them.

Also, we are going to set up an extensive testing program because we want to know how many creatures have this and testing will be mandatory. Creatures will be given a small mark on their forehead that will give proof that they have been tested. A minus sign for those who test negative and a plus sign for those who test positive.

For all the health care workers, do not worry, we will see to it that you have enough in the way of masks, gowns, ventilators and anything else that you may need to care for patients. After all, in other nations ponies are running short on PPEs and are having to reuse masks, gowns and are running short on crucial equipment necessary to care for Coltovirus patients.

As of right now there are only two confirmed cases in Equestria, both have been hospitalized and one is on a ventilator. With any luck they will be the only two but remember everypony, it is up to you to help prevent the spread! Anypony caught in an indoor public place without a mask will be punished severely! Fines will be applicable for the first violation, jail time and fines will be applicable for the second offense and seizure of all assets and time in Tartarus will be applicable for the third offense, Tartarus until the pandemic has passed.

Now everypony have a great day and remember, love and worship us as is mandated by law!

Your Supreme Leaders,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Quarantined in Manehattan, Part 3 (S2 E15)

Dear Twibitch,

I know I probably should have contacted you sooner but I have some good news. Not only did I get off the ventilator but that penis went away and I have been well for long enough that I have been released from quarantine. I however do not wish to leave Manehattan yet because my sweet Trixie took a turn for the worst and now she is on a ventilator. The doctors right now are not sure if she will survive. What is worse is that they don't allow Coltovirus patients to have visitors, especially those on ventilators.

Now I know you will likely be upset but I want to stay here until Trixie is released from quarantine so the love of my life and I can come home together. I know you probably want me to come home but I couldn't focus on anything knowing that my beloved Trixie was thousands of miles away from me and is in such horrible shape. I do hope you understand.

I will say this though, I hope the hell those anti-bodies that I now have are permanent because I would never wish this on anypony, well except maybe you two, those bitch step-daughters of yours and Bright Beam. Now I must get going, I am expecting a phone call from the doctor to update me on Trixie's condition. I just hope she gets better soon.

Hoping Trixie Gets Better Soon,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster "I'm a sentimental wimp" Dawn,

Oh for the love of Faust, your letter literally made me vomit. I don't know why the fuck you care so much about that bitch that kept my oh-so-sexy sister from committing to me for so long. Anyway, I'll be honest, I don't give a shit if she dies or not and I'm sure Starlight would celebrate if she bit the dust.

Now you listen to me and listen to me good Luster. Since you have been released from quarantine, you will get your ass home ASAP. I don't give a shit if you will be distracted because your precious little Trixie will be thousands of miles away on her fucking death bed. You have been away from your duties in Ponyville for long enough but now that you can come home, I will no longer tolerate your absence.

Let me tell you what I have done though. Because of your stupidity to travel to a place where a bad virus was running rampant and you couldn't come home right away because of it, I have made some huge changes in Ponyville! For starters, Bright Beam, Shadow and her harem now live in the castle. Spike is also her assistant now so he won't have to put up with your shit. Don't worry, Spike has made a referral regarding a replacement dragon to curse upon you. Now don't worry about Cozy Glow, once you get home you can go to the castle and pick her up because Bright Beam doesn't want to adopt her.

Now regarding where you will live, I have decided to let you move into that mansion that Bright Beam did live in. However, you will not have any maids but hey, I might force Crash to come be your maid. It would serve that arrogant bitch right to have to have you as her boss for her arrogance throughout her sorry ass life. Hell I might even make her move in with you, Cozy and your replacement dragon, wouldn't that be sweet?

Anyway, get your ass home NOW, got it?

Your Owner (and don't you forget it),

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sludge,

Now you listen to me and listen to me good. It was hard enough to find your fat ass but I am hereby ordering that you go to Ponyville and wait at the train station for a bitchy pink unicorn named Luster Dawn. Below is what she looks like.

As you likely know my incredibly sexy sister and I rule this country now and we have infinite powers. Because of that, I have the authority to make you her assistant and if you refuse, Starlight and I will slowly torture you to death. If it makes you feel any better, I will see to it that you are well fed and you can join this light pink pegasus filly in making Luster's life miserable. Also, you will be living in a mansion so don't worry, life will be pretty sweet for you.

Now yes you will be hacking up messages like Spike does but hey, living in a mansion and having an easy life will be worth it, right?

Ready for You to Make Luster's Life A Living Hell,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Twilight,

Normally I would say, "I can't be a dragon living there" but it sounds good enough to entice me. Besides, if I get to make some pony's life miserable, I'll do it.

Ready to Make Luster Miserable,

Sludge

To the Biggest Bitch Ever,

I thought your last letter was just a joke but you were actually serious. I can not believe what a truly sadistic bitch you are. Not only do you make me leave my beloved Trixie all alone in Manehattan but now you kick me out of my home and force me into a place that isn't nearly good enough for me. To top that off, you curse a gluttonous, fat, obnoxious dragon upon me and I think he is a bad influence on Cozy Glow.

I think he is a bad influence on MY DAUGHTER because him and Cozy are always talking behind my back and laughing. I have a bad feeling that they are probably going to do something to stab me in the back, perhaps literally, and probably get rewarded for it. I don't get why you despise me so much but you could at least let me go back and be with Trixie since you did this.

You want to know what made things even worse? My acquaintances just had to drop by claiming that you are making them associate with me and right now I am in no mood to talk to anypony other than Cozy. Let's see, you kick me out of my home, you give Bright Beam everything and then some, you curse a fat, arrogant obnoxious green dragon on me and to make matters worse, he is corrupting my daughter. Putting up with those idiots I should have befriended by now is the last thing I want to deal with.

I talked with them for a few minutes but then I ran them off and right now I am hiding in my new bedroom trying to avoid Sludge and the suddenly disloyal Cozy Glow. Just please at least let me go back to Manehattan until Trixie can come home. I promise I'll be respectful and do everything I can to impress you, honest!

Sincerely,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Give me a fucking break and quit with your whining. You should be glad that you still have a roof over your head and I didn't force you to move into the forest. It seems like all you ever do is bitch, whine and complain about everything and I for one think you are living a very charmed life Luster Dawn. I took you in as my protege despite your attitude, I didn't kick you out when your schoolmates told me about how bad you were during the special study sessions and wouldn't submit to them like a good girl would.

Then I send you down there and even let you live in my old castle up until now. I also let you stay in there despite you doing nothing but failing at everything you have ever done with the exception of the birthday party for Toolaroola and Coconut Cream. Let me guess, you're all pissy because I didn't let you come home over your shitty grammar. Well get over it bitch. I even let you remain in the castle after that when I could have forced you to live in a shed.

Now I know you're probably all upset over me letting you serve that twelve years of hard labor in the human world but hey, you broke their laws so you pay for it under their justice system! Now I would have let you stay in that castle but you just had to bring that dick disease into Equestria, didn't you? Now let me tell you this, if anypony dies from this shit, their death will be the fault of you and Trixie. Now that would give me the right to execute you but I enjoy seeing you being miserable too much to reward you with death.

Anyway, enjoy your new home and your new assistant Luster! Now don't go doing anything I wouldn't do, like caring about Trixie!

Your Owner,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Luster,

You need to change your damn phone number because I have been getting calls from some number in Manehattan. I finally answered and some guy named Dr. Disease Killer asked to speak to you. I was curious about all this shit so I claimed to be you and I have some great news, Trixie died! Yep, Trixie died and Spike and I are about to head up to Canterlot so we can all celebrate! Isn't that fucking sweet? Hey now you can go after Bunny Tracks again, oh she is going to love this so much!

Enjoying what USED to be your home,

Bright Beam

P.S. Oh shit, I just got a call from that bastard and they revived her. Oh well, I'm sure I probably brought your ass to tears, right? Anyway, I would write more but I have to feed Shadow and then me and my girls are headed to the spa for a whole day of pampering! Pretty sweet, huh?

Dear Bright Bitch,

How the fuck could you? When I read that Trixie had died I broke down into tears and then this asshole named Sludge that is my new assistant made fun of me. I never once imagined that "little miss perfect" would be so horrible to me. I could easily see the Incest Sisters doing this to me but I never knew they had rubbed off on you this much. I know you are rubbing everything into my face but right now I can't take it, I just want Trixie to get better so we can be together again.

Upset and Crying,

Luster Dawn

A Bright Harvest (S2 E16)

Dear Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

Ah knew this was going to happen. Ah new when you and your sister reversed that spell that things like this would happen. We haven't had a drop of rain in months and we have had to use the little water the local creek provides to water our trees and it ain't enough. Thanks to you two, the apples are shriveled up and aren't fit to go to market. They are so bad that they aren't even fit to feed to the pigs.

Now Ah don't know if you two will do anything but Ah need somepony with powerful magic to come and fix this. If y'all were good friends, y'all will likely come fix things but Ah know y'all won't care. If y'all won't help, don't even bother writing me. Maybe Ah will contact Starlight's protege since she is so nice and will drop everything to help somepony in need.

Applejack

Dear Bright Beam,

Ah know y'all are likely busy with the school but over here at the farm we're having a serious problem. Thanks to the Royal Sisters, we haven't had any rain in months and Ah know you have powerful magic so if you could come make all the apples good again, we'll be so grateful.

Hoping You'll Help,

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

Of course I'll come and help. I think you and your family are so nice and I don't want to see any of you suffer. Give me a few minutes and I'll head out.

Ready to Help,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

All of us Apples would like to thank you for making the apples good and Ah'm shocked that you'd do this but thanks for making the zapapples constantly be growing. We make so much money off of those and now thanks to you, we'll make so much money we'll be rich. Perhaps using magic in agriculture ain't so bad after all. Come over sometime and we'll give you some free zapapple jam for doing this.

Grateful,

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

You don't need to thank me. You know I'm the type to help anypony at the drop of a hat but I appreciate it nonetheless. Now if you ever are having issues and you need help again, get in touch because I'll definitely help. Oh and that applebucking we did after I fixed the apples, that was so much fun! So whenever you need help applebucking, call me and I'll be there with bells on!

Happy to Help,

Bright Beam

Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

Ah just thought Ah'd write to you and let you know that your protege is a true gem. We haven't had any rain here in Ponyville for months and I know you and your sister wouldn't help us get the apples ripe so Ah got in touch with Bright Beam and she was more than happy to help. To make things even better, she helped with the applebucking and had a blast doing it. Now this shocks me given that she has spent so much time with you and your sister but she has offered to help us with applebucking whenever we need it and will help us in any other way too.

Knowing Bright Beam is a Gem,

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

Yeah Bright Beam is a true sweet heart isn't she? I think she probably gets that from her parents because they are a working class couple and always showed her lots of love. I knew that if anypony would help all of you at the drop of a hat it would be her. I'm just glad you didn't go ask Luster because she would view such things as beneath her and besides, her magic isn't all that great to start with so she would have screwed up royally like she always does.

Happy Bright Beam Helped You,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

Dear Bright Beam,

I am so incredibly proud of you! Applejack contacted me and told me about how you helped get their apples ripe and helped with the applebucking. I know you have strong legs but I didn't expect you to go out and help with applebucking. This is great because you are making me look good, very good! Now I am also happy that you did what you did with the zapapples because the Apple family is an honest family and deserve to be wealthy. Again good job!

Happy You're Making Me Look Good,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

Well you know how I am, I'll help anypony out of the goodness of my heart, well except Luster of course. The Apples are a nice family and I hated to think about what would have happened had their apples not been fixed. They would have lost a lot of money, had nothing to eat and nopony would have had any apples to buy and eat. Anyway, I learned that my back legs are very strong for a unicorn as I was easily able to clear the trees with one kick, well that and applebucking is really fun! Anyway, I told the Apple family that if they need help, to let me know and I'll help them.

Happy I Could Help the Apples,

Bright Beam

A Great and Powerful Return (S2 E17)

Dear Luster,

Hi, it is The Great and Powerful Trixie! Trixie has some wonderful news. As you know, she has been off the ventilator for a while and was moved to the quarantine wing of the hospital but now she can come home. Yep, The Great and Powerful Trixie gets to come home to her beloved Luster. Trixie does hope that you will wait for her at the train station in a couple days when she should arrive. Trixie hopes to see you soon.

Love,

Your Great and Powerful Marefriend, Trixie

Dear Trixie,

Of course I'll come and wait for you at the train station! Oh I'm so happy! I can't wait for you to get home!

Love,

Luster

Dear Twibitch,

Well I have some wonderful news! Well Trixie was released from quarantine a few days back and she is now home with me, where she belongs. Yeah she isn't thrilled over the fact that you made us move but being back with me has made both of us happy. Yes Cozy isn't thrilled that she has to share my attention again but oh well, she'll get over it.

Once she got home, we went out to the cafe and had a romantic dinner before heading home and then laying in bed, gazing lovingly into one another's eyes and telling one another how much we love each other. I swear, you never know how badly you miss somepony until she is taken away from you so long. From this point forward, the two of us will make sure that any place we decide to go to get away from your prying eyes is virus free. I would write more but Trixie and I plan on sharing our horns with one another soon.

Loving Trixie,

Luster Dawn

To an Overly Sentimental Wimp,

Oh for the love of Faust, could you quit with this already? I'm going to be honest with you, I don't give a shit that you are so happy to have your precious little Trixie back with you. What a shame she didn't die, it would have served her right for keeping my sexy sister away from me for so long.

Now I get it, your life would be nothing without her but remember this Luster, a time will come when you will no longer want to commit and you'll bolt. You'll see how happy Bright Beam is spreading the love and you'll want the same. Oh wait, there is no way somepony like you could ever build up a harem because outside of Trixie, nopony is desperate enough to join you in bed. I can only imagine how you'll be when Trixie tires of you and goes after somepony else. You'll need the loving touch of a hot mare but unfortunately for you, you'll be without anypony to buck!

Disgusted by your Sappiness,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Could you please not discuss your sex life in your letters to me? I don't care that you and Trixie are about to share your horns and the very thoughts of it are making me want to vomit.

A Dream Come True (S2 E18)

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for getting me a spot in the Wonderbolt Academy and I'm so happy now that I'm in the Wonderbolt Reserves! This is something I've always dreamed of and now it is a reality! Clear up until now, I never imagined that I'd have a legitimate shot to be a Wonderbolt just like you! You've always been an inspiration and a hero to me and you'll continue to be one!

The Newest Wonderbolt Reserve,

Scootaloo

Scootaloo,

Well you're welcome but if you're going to thank anypony, thank Bright Beam. She is the one who cast a spell to give you those wings. I know you're happy but you're going to have to work hard to become a full fledged Wonderbolt. Again Bright Beam is just as much to thank as me.

Rainbow Dash

Dear Bright Beam,

I just want to say thank you again for giving me those wings because I made it into the Wonderbolt Reserves! I never imagined I would and all those years of having those tiny wings made it impossible but thanks to you, it is a reality. Now I just have to work extra hard and I'll become a Wonderbolt just like my hero, Rainbow Dash! I will forever be grateful to you. It is obvious you didn't get your personality from the Two Sisters because you're so nice and generous!

Thankful,

Scootaloo

Dear Scootaloo,

You have no idea how happy I am to hear this. I know you for so long couldn't fly but for you to now be one step away from being a Wonderbolt makes me incredibly happy. I know my mentor and her sister will likely be unhappy and come down on me in one way or another if they hear about this but I don't care. How about you and Rainbow Dash come over to the school and we can go to supper together tomorrow night. I'll take you two wherever you want and it will be on me.

Happy for You,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

We have heard some interesting news and neither one of us is one bit happy. We have heard that because of your overly generous act a while back involving Scootaloo, that she is now in the Wonderbolt Reserves and is just one step away from following in her hero's hoofsteps.

This pisses us off because of what she did to not just Twilight in the past but how she slandered our mother with those embarrassing photographs in their rag school newspaper when she was young. Also, after some thought, we are displeased with how you helped the Apple Family with their apples because that aids another pony who has done the royal family wrong, Apple Bloom.

Now we can't help but wonder how you are going to go about helping the other hellion that soiled the royal family or took advantage of them in one way or another. You better not do much to help Sweetie Belle and we will say this, you better never aid Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon. They are pond scum in our eyes and if you do help them, you'll wind up in Tartarus for betraying every good pony in this country. We would write more but we are too upset to do so.

Signed,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer & Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight and Twilight,

I know you are mad because you have never signed a letter to me formally before. Look, I apologized for helping a pony who wronged the royal family in the past and it is not my fault so much that she achieved her dream somewhat. I know you're probably going to look down on me for saying this but I for one am happy for her. After the way she was treated, especially by Luster, I felt bad for her and I do hope she rubs it in her face.

You know what, I have done things to be nice because that is how I am. The primary reason I am such a bitch to Luster is because she has always been a bitch to everypony but what Scootaloo did was when she was just a filly! Holding a grudge against somepony for that long just doesn't make sense. It isn't like she did it just a few days ago and it isn't like it actually hurt the royal family any so no harm, no foul!

Well I suppose I will get going because I have papers to grade and then I need to feed Shadow, talk to you later.

Signed,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

Well we suppose we can forgive you and the cutie mark cult but this will sting both of us for a while. We both know you get along well with the Apple Family so we suppose you can continue to help them but there are some ponies you better never help if you value your job. We are both sure you know which ones those are. Now we shall get going, we are getting too irked to keep on writing.

Signed,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer & Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dancing the Night Away (S2 E19)

Dear Twibitch,

I'm sure you probably know when certain events happen down here but recently we had the Love Birds' Dance down here. Now one bad part is that it was for fundraising for Fluttershy's and Bunny Girl's animal sanctuary since they have expanded it enough to where they need funding. The good thing is that Trixie bought us tickets with money she made from her most recent show.

Now in the past I would have said, "Hell no!" to something like that but this was Trixie wanting us to go so there was no way I could say no. Now guess what, I am the happiest mare in the universe right now. She bought me a big horn ring, asked me to marry her and of course I said yes! After that, we danced the night away and then went home and held one another close for the rest of the night.

Now of course I couldn't just not get her one but before I tell you what I'm going to say next, I hope you won't get too mad at me. You know that debit card you gave to Cozy Glow and Sludge? Well I kind of used it to get Trixie a horn ring just as good as the one that she got me. Now everypony down here gives us smiles and is constantly telling me how happy they are that I overcame being your slave to find love and happiness!

Oh and you really need to do something about your sister's protege. Her and her harem completely crashed the dance. They took what was a romantic dance for Ponyville's couples and turned it into something horrible. Spike put this human music known as disco on and they all got really freaky out there. All of them were grinding, sucking face and doing other things that nopony should be doing out in public.

Now you see why I think I should be running the friendship school? I am a good, honorable and moral pony. Yes I'm not the best at friendship and can be unpleasant at times but at least I have never put up a false front. Bright Beam always acts so nicey-nice and will help anypony at the drop of a hat but then her and her damn harem have to ruin a truly special night down here. You need to see to it that she is punished and punished severely.

Trixie's Fiance,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

Oh my goodness, you're actually happy for a change? I never once thought that would happen. I even thought that after your little fiance came home you'd eventually get all bitchy again. Now I am happy to see that you did not bitch about anything but I am glad that you let me know about what Bright Beam did. I am glad that you let me know so that appropriate action can be taken.

Now you want to know what that appropriate action is going to be? I told my incredibly sexy sister about this after I read your letter and not only are we happy that she livened that shitty dance up but we are going to give her another 25,000 bit bonus! And guess who is going to provide us with that money? Since you used that debit card when only Cozy was authorized to use it, we're going to fine your parents! Oh this is going to be so sweet and both of us know that Bright Beam will be so happy!

Now I am waiting for the time to come when things will start to happen that will make ME look bad. Enjoy your loving times with Trixie because I am pretty sure that it won't be long until she will start to control you and not allow you to even take a shit without her permission, much less leave the mansion. I will be waiting for letters from Trixie before too long.

Shocked that You're Happy,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight "Fluttershy's Slave" Sparkle,

You want to know what made you look bad, being Fluttershy's slave! I know enough about what happened that I know you'll never fully recover from being OWNED by a pegasus! At least I have true love. All you ever had was a marefriend that you allowed to control your every hoofstep and now an incestuous relationship with your sister. I will say this Twilight, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

Happy I Have True Love,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster,

What the fuck did you say about me? You better be thankful that I have three straight days of sisterly bonding to take part in or I'd be hauling your ass to Tartarus and having my hot to trot sister sending Trixie to the moon like she should have the moment she was ascended.

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Money Bags and Purse Strings,

I have some spectacular news! Your daughter has done something that warrants me fining you! You see, she recently bought her marefriend a horn ring with a pre-paid debit card that I only gave authorization to her step-daughter and her assistant to use. Because of this, I am fining you 25,000 bits! I will be over tomorrow so we can go to your bank and have a cashier's check made payable to BRIGHT BEAM! Yep, my sister's protege really helped liven things up a while back down in Ponyville so I have decided that since your daughter fucked up, you can pay for the bonus we're giving Bright Beam for running the school so well. See you tomorrow losers!

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To a Tyrannical Bitch,

You know what, we are sick and fucking tired of you making us Bright Beam's personal ATM. Also, we would think you would be happy with Luster. She wrote us and she seems to be in such better spirits now that her and this Trixie pony are engaged. We get it, you punish ponies for being happy and getting ready to settle down but reward moral degenerates who take their whole harem out to crash a dance and do Faust knows what out there in the middle of town. We suppose we will see you tomorrow but do know this, a day will come when everything you have built will crash and burn.

Hating Your Guts,

Money Bags and Purse Strings

Dear Bright Beam,

Well I heard about how you and your harem wound up going and crashing that dance down there in Ponyville. What I would like to say is, "Good job, that lame event needed some excitement." Little miss Luster bitched to my oh-so-sexy sister about it and we are both very proud of you. To us, that is so much better than how Luster has truly committed to that sub-par bitch Trixie. Oh well, you're a lot more like the two of us, you know how to have fun while Luster seems to be plagued with multiple personalities given how she never seems to be stable.

Anyway, enclosed is a cashier's check in the amount of 25,000 bits....and yes it is tax exempt! You can thank Luster for this because she acquired the ring she got Trixie with a debit card my sexy sister gave to Cozy Glow so we fined her parents. Also, Twilight and I are thinking of coming down and treating you and your entire harem, including your spa hotties, out to lunch this weekend. Yes we are taking time away from sisterly bonding to do this, that is how proud we are of you! Keep up the good work.

Happy You Livened Ponyville Up,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

Well me and the girls got together and decided that their lame dance could use a bit of excitement. Luckily Spike agreed to change the music because you can't crash a dance the way we did with slow, romantic music made for ponies who are committed to one another, right?

Thanks for the bonus, you know how much I love it when you give things like this to me. You know something, you should just make stuff up to fine Luster's parents for! Even if their precious little daughter does nothing wrong, make something up, fine then and give that money to me! I'll even invest all that money into the school, honest!

Thankful for the Bonus,

Bright Beam

Ponyville Falls Ill, Part 1 (S2 E20)

Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

I am writing to you over matters of great importance. I am not sure exactly how it got here but multiple ponies in town have contracted Coltovirus. A majority of them are only experiencing mild symptoms but I thought I would let you know that there are several who are in the hospital on ventilators. I know you said that a couple ponies from here traveled abroad, contracted it and were quarantined in Manehattan after they recovered from it but I do have my concerns that maybe they could have released them too soon.

I think it would be great if you could send down enough tests so that we can test everycreature on a daily basis.

Thanks in Advance,

Mayor Mare

Mayor Mare,

Thanks for letting us know about this although we do have a feeling that perhaps two certain ponies may have been released from quarantine too soon and who knows how many ponies they infected on the way home. Don't worry, we will see to it that Ponyville gets all the necessary things that it needs to handle this pandemic. You have a good day.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Luster and Trixie,

Get your asses over to the local urgent care ASAP. Take Cozy and Sludge with you too because we have a feeling that you two may have been released from quarantine too soon since the Coltovirus is spreading across Ponyville. Failure to do so will result in Luster's parents being fined into the poor house and seizure of Trixie's wagon. Now be sure to give this letter to the doctors so that you can be tested right away and get your results right away, got it?

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle,

I am writing to let you know that the doctor in Manehattan likely released Luster Dawn from quarantine too soon as she is still carrying the virus. Now Trixie, Cozy Glow and Sludge have it but are asymptomatic. Luster does have a rather bad cough and has developed a fever. I am assuming that she never fully kicked the virus. Right now, Trixie, Cozy and Sludge are in the quarantine apartments here at the hospital while Luster is back in the hospital. Right now she is not in bad enough shape to be put in ICU and hopefully it will stay that way. We will keep you informed on her condition.

Sincerely,

Dr. Horse

Dear Dr. Horse,

Thanks for letting us know about her condition, it is much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dr. Disease Killer,

It has come to our attention that you released two patients, Luster Dawn and Trixie Lulamoon, from quarantine too soon and they have likely been responsible for infecting multiple ponies in Ponyville. Now the punishment for such a mistake is harsh, very harsh. Now we will not be suspending or revoking your license to practice medicine but we will be fining you!

We demand that you send a cashier's check of 25,000 bits payable to Bright Beam and mail it to the School of Friendship in Ponyville. Mail it to the following address

School of Friendship
c / o Bright Beam
P.O. Box 1000
Ponyville, EQ 82601

If that check is not received within ten days of receipt of this letter, that fine will be tripled. You have a pleasant day!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To a Couple of Thieves,

What, you are fining me over this? Look, they both tested negative twice before they were released and why the hell do I have to make the check payable to this Bright Beam pony? Whenever ponies would get fined when your mother was dictator, I mean princess, they had to be made out to the ERS. Well I will get that check sent out because I can't afford any further fines.

Dr. Disease Killer

Ponyville Falls Ill, Part 2 (S2 E21)

Dear Starlight,

Well I got the surprise of my life today. I wound up getting a cashier's check from Manehattan National Bank in the sum of 25,000 bits! Now Dr. Disease Killer was not thrilled apparently because he sent a letter with it calling you two horrible bitches and he called me a spoiled brat! Can you believe that? He had the audacity to call the head mare of the school of friendship a spoiled brat. What a bastard. I swear, if I had things my way I would fine him even more solely because of the name calling. Anyway, just take that into consideration. You certainly don't want him to get away with calling me names now, do you?

Happy for the Bits,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

We fined him that amount for releasing Luster and Trixie from quarantine too soon and decided to give you the money since you are our favorite. Being our favorite does have its perks and getting fine money is one of them! Now regarding fining him for simply calling you names, that may be a bit excessive. You know we think very highly of you and care a lot about you but we can't go fining ponies over the tiniest of things. Anyway, do what you want with the money. Right now though, my sexy sister and I are making plans on punishing Luster and Trixie for doing shit that they have to be away from their duties again.

Making Devious Plans,

Starlight

Dear Hoo'Far,

Remember me, Starlight Glimmer? Well as you probably know I am now a Goddess-Queen ruling in Equestria alongside my incredibly sexy sister Twilight Sparkle. I am curious, are you still interested in that rusted out piece of junk that Trixie calls a wagon? If so, go down to Ponyville and claim it. Now we think it would be sweet if you could get us some Alicorn sized Saddle Arabian robes. Hell we'll even make it worth your while because Twilight and I want to be able to make addresses to the nation in style and nothing is more stylish than robes from your country. Let us know if you still want it, alright?

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

I am still interested in it and I will even give Trixie my much larger wagon along with some robes that will fit you and Twilight. I want to see you and Trixie dazzle the crowds once more and I want you to come to Saddle Arabia so I don't have to travel to Ponyville to do it. See you soon.

Hoo'Far

To the Incest Bitches,

Where's my wagon? When I got out of quarantine I headed back to the castle and my wagon was gone. In its place was this horrible, overgrown monstrosity of a caravan there instead. Wait a minute, Starlight did you contact that Saddle Arabian unicorn and trade my wagon away, AGAIN? You are the same bitch as always you wagon trader-awayer.

Anyway, Luster is still in the hospital and now I am even more upset. I still can't see my true love and I'm stuck with a huge caravan I can't even pull! Curse you Starlight, curse both of you. The Great and Powerful Trixie is devastated, she doesn't have her wagon and she doesn't have her sweetie. All Trixie has is a dragon who is an asshole and a filly who she knows is plotting to do something horrible to her.

Sad and Angry,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Trixie,

For starters, yes I did trade away your wagon because I simply felt like it and have the authority to do so. Up until now, I was still pissed that I had to give those robes back to Hoo'Far when you just had to have that rusting junkyard on wheels back. Now not only will you and Luster have a more spacious caravan to travel around in but my incredibly sexy sister and I have matching Saddle Arabian robes! Now we can address the nation in more style than we ever could with anything Rarity would make for us.

Now I know you said that you can't pull that large caravan on your own. Maybe you and Luster can try pulling it together because with your combined strength, you should be able to pull it off. Now if you will excuse me, Twilight and I are going to try this abuse stuff that Colgate and Twinkleshine told us about one time!

Traded your Crappy Wagon Away (Again),

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer

P.S. In your face Trixie! My sexy sister loves me so much, so much more than she ever did you! She even used her own money to pay for our new robes! Now if you and Luster would get freaky like Bright Beam and her harem does, you two could go on the road and put on live pornos!...no wait, I take that back. I don't want you making ME look bad.

-- Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Bright Beam's Summons (S2 E22)

Dear Bright Beam,

I want to let you know that I am so proud of you for everything you have done. I am proud of you for running the school so well, I am proud of you for how you gave your parents the money from that coin, I am proud of you for having yourself a harem and I am so proud of you for constantly showing how much better you are than my sexy sister's sub-par protege.

Now Twilight and I have been talking and we have decided that we want you to come up to Canterlot for the weekend. Yes Twilight and I would normally have sisterly bonding planned but we do want to have an important meeting with you. You see, I have created something special for you and right now it is in storage. However, my hot to trot sister and I need to see if you are getting close to receiving them. Now get your maids to take care of Shadow for the weekend because we want you up here by supper time on Friday evening. See you soon!

Hoping to See You Soon,

Starlight

Dear Starlight,

Well thanks for being proud of me but what do you mean you have something special in storage for me? Well I'm sure it will be worth waiting for but I'll see you on Friday evening, alright?

Ready to See You,

Bright Beam

Dear Starlight,

Oh my goodness, I never imagined how wonderful my visit would be. Thank you so much for inviting me to take part in your sisterly bonding. Both of you are such good kissers, you both taste so good, the parts of your horns you could put in me felt so good and that abuse thing you two did to me, it made me so hot!

Now I'm going to admit this, I have always found you two hot and have had many fantasies about joining you two for a sisterly bonding weekend. I absolutely loved how you two dominated me, especially you Starlight. Ever since I came of age, I've dreamed of you owning me like that! Now I have the spa twins and those hotties from your old village but could I come up every couple weeks and I can take part in your sisterly bonding! It would make me so happy if you say yes!

Hoping I Can Be Your Sex Slave,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

Well we are very happy that you came up and joined us. Yes your horn is short, very short but you must have been studying some sort of pleasure magic because damn you made both of us feel good. If that is the case, let me say that I am very proud of you, making me and Twilight feel so good!

Also, we have been talking and you can come up and join us anytime you want. You know we buck, a lot, but we already love bucking you and we hope we can do it very often. You have earned it Bright Beam, you have accomplished so much that you are very deserving of having sex with us. Don't worry hot stuff, Luster will never be invited because we know that you'd find her just as gross as we would.

Now one more thing, don't lose your harem over us! You have to have more friends with benefits than us as friends with benefits if you are to fulfill your fantasies, I mean destiny.

Loving Bucking You,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. Hell if you didn't love it so much down there and your absence would allow Luster to do things she shouldn't, such as taking over the school, we'd invite you to come home and join us in our sleeping chambers on a daily basis!

Mission to the Farm (S2 E23)

Dear Twibitch,

Well that map decided to cause me some more problems. This time it called me and Apple Bitch to Sweet Apple Acres of all places. Now I am happy that I didn't have to go out of town but get this, those old lesbo hags who used to be your friends were having issues. You see, Crash and Applejack were fighting over who could clear more trees while apple bucking and apparently it put quite the strain on their relationship. Hell, they even stopped putting out for one another over that.

I swear, those two are so fucking stubborn. They kept on competing and competing to the point where they had grown so bitter that they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. Now Apple Bitch and I both wanted to say "fuck this shit" and let that be the norm because more work was getting done and she doesn't care for her sister's choice in a wife any more than I do.

Well in the end we told them a world class lie. We brought up how Starlight would simply give Bright Beam the apple farm if they didn't quit fighting and they stopped right away. Apple Bitch has relayed some bad news to me though. Ever since we got them to get along again, they have been bucking more than ever and are keeping her awake all night. I honestly feel a tiny bit bad for her. Between Applejack and Crash along with Big Mac and Sugar Bitch, she never gets any sleep. I told her she should just go sleep in the hen house but she slugged me and told me to go to Tartarus.

Now if that shouldn't be enough for me to be able to come home then I don't know what is. Hey, I got those hags to reconcile and put out for one another again and that is normally something I would consider as being beneath me. I'll even bring you breakfast in bed if you'll let me come home!

Hoping to Come Home,

Luster Dawn

Luster,

Oh wow, so you were able to get AJ and Crash to buck again? If you honestly think that finishing a friendship lesson in the same damn dump where you live is worthy of you getting to come home you are delusional. I had to go on friendship missions far from home and dealt with much more complex situations and I didn't get to come home. Look, they may have been fighting at the time but I'm sure those two would have started bucking again soon, with or without your help!

Hell I'd be more likely to invite Cozy Glow to come up and live with us than I would let you come home. Yeah Cozy is a bitch and all but at least she isn't a self-centered little Trixie bucker who has had everything handed to her on silver platter. And one more thing, if you ever want to be on even remotely good terms with me, you will respect me, got it!

Your Owner,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and offering to bring us breakfast in bed won't work. You screwed up bringing us our meals in bed so many times when that was your job that you'd cause more problems than anything else. With you, we had to use our magic to re-heat our food half the time and with the student I have doing it now, we don't have to do that because she gets it to us in a timely manner.

Twilight,

Ah just thought Ah'd write and let you know that Apple Bloom and that protege of yours were able to get Dash and I to stop fighting over who the better apple bucker was. Yeah we got a lot of work done while we were fighting but that was putting a huge strain on our married life and you know how it goes, if the wife ain't happy, nopony's happy. Now she's happy again and Ah'm getting the action Ah deserve again.

Bucking Dash Again,

Applejack

P.S. Ah'm wondering, does Bright Beam know any fertility spells? You see, Ah kind of want to get Dash pregnant so we can have a foal of our own since Big Mac and Sugar Belle have one.

Applejack,

Normally I would demand you be formal with me but since you managed to deal with Luster without killing her, I'll let it slide. Well I am glad that you and Crash finally got past your differences but hey, if fighting gets more done as far as work goes, wouldn't it be worth it? The way you're talking I'd think that you and Crash buck as much as Starlight and I do.

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Isn't Crash a bit old to be carrying a foal? Besides, Bright Beam does not know fertility magic. Now my slutty former bootie call does but you'd have to contact Colgate over that since she owns her and chances are, Colgate and her friends likely won't let Cadence get out of constantly having horns up in her over something so trivial.

Special: Princesses Toolaroola and Coconut Cream Contract Coltovirus

Article written by Written Script of the Canterlot Chronicle

CANTERLOT-

In some very sad news today, it has been reported that the Goddess-Queens' step-daughters, Princess Toolaroola and Princess Coconut Cream have contracted Coltovirus. It is not sure exactly how they contracted it but their step-mothers heard reports that they had went to the local sweets' shop and did not wear their masks while they were speaking to other ponies.

From what we understand, multiple patrons in the shop that day were from Ponyville where there have been multiple cases because of two ponies who had recently traveled to Maretonia, a Coltovirus hot spot. Now while our Goddess-Queens can not contract any kind of illness, they are still concerned. They are concerned that their step-daughters may wind up in the hospital and they are also concerned about castle staff maybe having contracted the virus as well.

Right now, the castle staff and the two princesses have been placed in the quarantine apartments on the north end of town for two weeks. If anypony gets worse symptoms, they will be hospitalized in the Coltovirus wing of the hospital. With the two princesses being Alicorns, the chances of them ever getting any symptoms from the virus are very small but as everypony knows, it is the asymptomatic carriers that often spread it more than anypony else.

During an interview with the Goddess-Queens, they stated that too many ponies are violating the mask mandates and have apologized for not punishing those who have violated those rules appropriately. As of right now, anypony caught violating the mandate will be banished to the moon for an indefinite period of time. With any luck, creatures will pay attention and a vaccine can be made sooner than later so we can return to normal, well as normal as we can be in a post-Coltovirus world.

Special: Royal Letters

To our step-daughters,

What we would like to know is why is it that you would go out and about without your masks on. Now if you were wearing your masks when you went out, why was it that you took them off? Look, we love both of you and we are very concerned about you. Yes Alicorns such as you would generally be asymptomatic but that doesn't mean that you can't catch it and there is that minute chance you could get symptoms and wind up in the hospital.

Look, we're not going to punish you for this but until this pandemic has passed, we will be sending a guard with you whenever you go out to make sure that you do wear them and only take them off to eat. They will also make sure that you do not speak to anypony without a mask on and they will make sure that you socially distance.

Now regarding the castle staff though, they won't be as lucky as you. They are just regular unicorns and they are just as likely to get symptoms from this as the other races are. Again we won't punish you but you won't be going out unsupervised from now until the pandemic is gone.

Love your Step-Mothers,

Starlight and Twilight

To our Step-Mothers,

Look, we are sorry that we did this. We just went to the sweets' shop and kind of forgot to put our masks back on when we got to talking to other ponies. With us being princesses they do talk to us and ask us how life in the castle and they ask us how life was prior to our ascensions, they ask us how life was as earth ponies....especially the unicorn that runs the donut shop.

They took their masks off to talk to us and we simply forgot to put ours back on after we took them off to eat. We understand why you'll send guards out with us in the future but we do hope that we can go out alone again when the pandemic passes, which hopefully will be sooner rather than later. We promise we won't take our masks off again, honest!

Your Step-Daughters,

Toolaroola and Coconut Cream

Dear Starlight and Twilight,

I knew this would happen. I knew when you weren't punishing ponies for not following the mask mandates this would happen. Thanks to all this shit, the only places I feel safe are in the castle and the school, and that is only because of daily testing, mask mandates and plenty of hoof sanitizer. Hell I have even resorted to teleporting from the castle to the school and you know how much I like mingling.

Also, I learned that sometimes the spa twins don't wear masks so forget going to the spa for a while. I'm not about to expose myself to anypony who might have the virus or even had contact with someone with the virus. Luckily my little hotties from your old village have not left the castle in a while so I'll still get action from them but still, it is the fucking principle of the matter!

The creatures of this country should thank their fucking lucky stars that you two are ruling the roost. If I were the leader, I'd execute the scum that are putting others at risk. Hell I am going to suggest that you either start executing them or at least banishing them to the moon or throwing them in Tartarus.

Now I have to make my rounds and make sure nocreature is out of their masks and that they are sanitizing their hooves, claws or whatever before and after every single class. After that, I'm teleporting home, feeding Shadow and then having some fun with my girls.

Upset and Disappointed in You, AGAIN

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

Ok, we get it. We screwed up again and you are going to rake us over the coals with it. We know that you have your concerns over getting this virus and you don't want anypony you care about getting it either. Good job though on the preventative measures you are not only taking at home but at the school. This is proof that you are more and more ready to fulfill your destiny someday.

Now we are going to go and make plans on how we are going to handle law breakers and perhaps we will take some of your advice but execution may be a bit excessive. The moon or Tartarus though, we'd definitely do that!

Apologizing,

Starlight and Twilight