Princess Celestia is *Literally* Hitler
Chapter 1: *Literally*
“Get your feet off the Magic Map!” Twilight Sparkle scolds.
You crinkle up your nose in distaste and turn your head to face her. “Who are you, Hitler? What are you gonna say next, hmm? That nopony has ever escaped from Stalag 13?”
Frowning, the Princess of Friendship trots toward you, still eyeing your bare feet splayed on the crystal table with disgust. “What are you talking about? What is a Hit-lar?”
You furrow your brow, cursing yourself for not recognizing that these wonderful little ponies know nothing of human culture or history. “Uh...He was a human. Real bad guy. Killed lots of people.”
Twilight’s eyes suddenly widen, and a smile seeps its way onto her face. “Wait, this sounds like a great cross-cultural note-taking opportunity!” With a flash of purple magic, a quill and notepad appear in front of her, hovering in her aura. “Okay, tell me all about this Hit-lar character.”
You scratch your head. “Well, he lived like, a while ago. He was from a country that lost a big war, and afterward he took it over and started another big war, which the country also lost. Then he offed himself.”
Twilight’s furious scribbling, a pleasant and familiar sound, echoed throughout the castle chamber. “More details, please.”
“He kind of had a cult of personality, I guess. Tried to put up this front of being big and strong, like he was the promised leader of his nation.”
Twilights’ ears perked up. “Oh! Like Princess Celestia!”
“No,” you cut back sharply. “Not at all like Princess Celestia. Anyway, it was part of this whole image thing, where he was, like, a vegetarian to make it seem like he was really healthy and strong.”
“Ponies are vegetarians,” Twilight tacks on as she writes. “I like him already.”
“NOT what you should be taking from the history lesson, Twilight,” you accuse, waggling a finger in her direction. “This guy was a bad dude. Like, he pretended to care about his people-”
“Princess Celestia cares lots about her subjects!”
You let out a loud sigh and shake your head violently in a futile attempt to clear it. “Again, he was not at all like Celestia! He was a megalomaniacal dictator! He’d have these big rallies, where he’d gather all his soldiers together and make these crazy, loud speeches-”
“In the Royal Canterlot Voice?”
Bringing your hands to your face, you rub it fiercely, practically desquamating the surface. “He’s not like Celestia, okay? He was a genocidal war-mongerer, obsessed with control. His cronies were crazy nationalists, and made up all these wild theories. They were into the occult, and made all these spooky symbols up to put everywhere. Like, archaic runes, and a black sun-”
Twilight raises an eyebrow. “A sun?”
Taking your feet down off of the table, you make two fists. Your body vibrates in a violent fit of clonus. “Okay, I’m going to try and make this clearer. Has Princess Celestia ever invaded another country?”
“No.”
“Well, Hitler did that all the time. Has Princess Celestia ever created giant weapons of destruction so she could commit war crimes!?”
“I don’t think so.”
Vindicated, you sigh in victory. Your spirits soar. “Hitler did that too! See what I’m talking about?”
“I guess so,” she agrees, taking a break from writing. “I guess that this Hit-lar is nothing like her.”
“Exactly. I mean, we’re talking about a guy who eliminated opposition and ruled his country with an iron fist.”
Pursing her lips, Twilight’s quill touches the paper again. “Princess Celestia had almost singular control of Equestria for a millennium.”
You leap up from Rarity’s crystal throne, which you had only minutes before been happily occupying. “NOT THE SAME! Did she ever establish concentration camps for her political enemies!?”
“Yes, it’s called Tartarus.”
Your heart beating out of your chest, you decide to slowly take a seat again. “Twilight, I...I can’t...Look, it’s not the same, okay?”
Squinting, Twilight reviews her notes. “...Well, forgive me for drawing conclusions based on data, but it sure looks the same to me.”
“I want to make this as clear as I possibly can, Princess. Hitler was probably the worst person to ever live; he’s definitely in the top five. He took control, murdered millions of humans, and claimed that his empire would last for a thousand years. Thankfully, it lasted, like, twelve, and we dished out swift and final justice to everyone who followed him. God willing, my species will never have to deal with such evil ever again.”
Twilight, squinting in a very contemplative manner, regards you for several seconds, as if analyzing and collating all the information you had given her. After a few moments, she speaks. “Did you say...a thousand years?”
Sighing in defeat, you wave your arms in front of your face, as if to clear a noxious gas from the room. “You know what? Never mind. Forget I said anything. Nevermind. Nazi Germany is not like Equestria, and Princess Celestia is not like Hitler.”
Twilight pouts for a moment, before shrugging and magically popping her note-taking equipment out of the room. “Alright, I’ll take your word for it. But, you really should spend more time giving me the story of human civilization. It’s really quite fascinating, and knowledge is the first step to deepening existing friendships!”
Ignoring Twilights’ characteristic (and, what would be in most other situations, endearing) little addendum, you sink lower in the throne and sigh again, forlornly this time. “Next time you tell me what to do, I’ll just call you Stalin instead.”
“Stalin?”
Groaning and rolling your eyes, you begin what you hope to be a much shorter lesson. “Another bad guy, also killed millions. Starved everyone to death. Claimed he was bringing the country forward into a revolutionary era of mechanization, actually pushed the country back into an agricultural dark age.”
Twilight makes a little chirping sound in her throat after taking in this new story. “Huh. A reactionary supporter of serfdom? ...Sounds kinda like Princess Luna.”
“I’m going to bed.”
Author's Notes:
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