Unconventional Conclusions

by FanOfMostEverything

First published 11th of August, 2019

Typewritten tales from the last Bronycon.

At Bronycon 2019, Quills & Sofas held about half a dozen manual typewriters. Yet again. I wrote still more silly stories on them, some on the subject of typewriters, some based on panels I attended, and some that didn't easily slot into either category. Funnily enough, all the typewriter-based stories belong in other collections, so this features the panel-inspired ones followed by the miscellany.

Rated Teen for discussion of violence and reactions to it in "Full Feather Jacket."

Physicists Invade Equestria: Sunlight Princess

"Chickens? Really?" Twilight realized just to whom she was speaking, and moreover, how badly she'd botched the heavens before that pony had pulled her cutie mark out of the fire. "I mean... we all have our phobias, right?" She silently hoped nopony brought up the Quesadilla Incident.

Celestia just smiled, her mane wafting in the sunrise. "Indeed." The smile grew strained. "And given how many of your more embarrassing moments I know about, I... suppose it's only fair you hear about this one."

Twilight gave a nervous giggle. "Frankly, after yesterday, I'm afraid I'll develop a fear of swans. But you don't have to—"

"Come now, Twilight," said Luna. "You'll be taking the throne soon enough. If you cannot treat us as equals now, then I can scarcely imagine how you will behave when you are our better."

"Better?" Twilight drew back, feeling her wings flare out. "I don't want to be anypony's better!"

"And we can discuss those sorts of social implications now if you so desire." Celestia yawned. "Or possibly later this morning. It has been a long night after all."

"Oh, but sister, we have yet to hear of why you so fear barnyard poultry!" Luna said brightly. "Come, regale us with your grand struggle against the combed menace."

Twilight tried to wave it off. "I don't think that's especially ne—"

"And if you do not, I will."

Celestia frowned. "But you weren't even there."

"Indeed I was not." Luna gave a feline grin. "And because I remain so ignorant, I shall happily compose my own saga of Celestia the Bold, who nobly soiled herself at the Battle of Coop's Bridge."

"This is revenge for the zip line, isn't it?"

Luna shook her head. "This is merely the younger sibling's prerogative. The Cutie Mark Crusaders have waxed eloquent on such matters many a time, as my comrade in arms can surely confirm."

"No comment," said the other younger sister on the balcony, studiously avoiding both diarchs' gazes.

Celestia sighed. "Very well. It was during the first decades after your banishment, when I was still using Starswirl's mirror gallery as a way to ignore all I had done wrong." She shook her head. "Of course, ignoring the nation led to worse problems down the line, but that was another matter.

"While some worlds offered scientific, magical, or cultural wonders I could bring home and use to justify my dereliction of duty, others were realms in crisis." Celestia shut her eyes and sighed. "I thought that if I could help them, it would help make up for my failings in this world."

Luna rested her neck against Celestia's withers. "Thou wert ne'er the one who needed to atone, dearest sib." A midnight blue wing flicked tears away from each princess's eyes. "The fault, like the punishment, was mine own."

"So... the chickens?" Both sisters turned to Twilight, the shock on their faces making it clear they had forgotten she was there. "Sorry, it's just that... Well, you two have made excellent progress on this matter. Your vacation is proof of that, given what you've been telling me. You don't need to wallow in your guilt over what happened. At this point, it isn't constructive."

Luna nodded with a grin. "So sayeth the Princess of Friendship."

"Language, Luna." Celestia turned to Twilight, her own smile gentler, but no less amused. "You're sure you don't just want to hear an old mare's embarrassing stories?"

"I mean... you did offer. And I can't deny that I'm a little curious. I mean, chickens? And I know it's not because of cockatrices. I remember how you and Spike led the efforts to repel the giant mutant ones when they invaded Canterlot during the Secretariat Comet Incident."

"Well, it all began in one of those imperiled worlds, a strange one filled with creatures not unlike the ones you encountered in the land Sunset Shimmer now calls home. It had been despoiled by evil long ago, and while that evil was largely contained at the time, it would not remain that way for long. A hero from days of yore had emerged from his slumber to vanquish it once and for all."

"Pray tell, sister, rich a world though this may be, how does it lead to a fear of chickens?"

"Did you fight alongside the hero? Was the evil..." Twilight scrunched her muzzle as she struggled to imagine the phrase on the tip of her tongue. "Was it a chicken?"

"No. The chickens were far worse."

Celestia was thoroughly unimpressed with this world. Bad enough that it left her without horn or wings, it even stripped her of her voice. Worst of all, the sound of an explosion had made her dash away from it, catch herself, run towards it, and only then realize how handicapped she was. Even earth pony magic seemed out of her reach, and now she had lost track of which rock along the foot of the nearby mountain connected to the portal home. She nickered to herself as she thought about how to proceed.

She heard the rustling grass scant moments before the creature leapt on her back.

She did everything in her power to try to dislodge the thing, rearing and thrashing as best she could. And the predator, some dumb beast that could well end her life like an animal if she truly was as diminished as she feared...

Scratched behind her ears and rubbed her cheeks.

Celestia slowed and stopped, partly from exhaustion, partly confusion. This was no predator, so what was it? Her current body was too inflexible to get a good look at what sat atop her, but—

Wait a moment. How long had she been trotting? And why was that building with a giant pony head getting closer?

With a start—one that got a frustratingly pleasant ear scratch—Celestia realized the creature atop her was directing her motion with pressure at her sides. She felt an eyelid twitch and voiced her displeasure as best she could.

That just got her mane ruffled. She rolled her eyes. Her rider wanted to go to what appeared to be a stable or inn? Fine. She broke into a gallop, not letting any amount of ear scratches slow her down.

She didn't notice the chickens until she was already trampling them. She winced. There was no need for innocents to suff—

"CU-CUCCOOOO!"

Celestia realized she may have erred in assuming the chickens' innocence.

Then she and her rider both screamed.

Author's Notes:

I think this one's inspiration came from this panel. Suffice to say, at some point, someone proposed that Celestia's fear of chickens came from a time she subbed in for Epona. Naturally, I ran with it, especially given He Come to Town.

Starswirl's gallery of mirror portals and the cockatrice invasion of Canterlot both come from the comics.

Let's Create a Bad Fanfiction Together, LIVE!: Another Matter of Principals

"Good morning, my volatile little heaps of hormones. This is Interim Principal Discord with your morning announcements, because the universe is strange and not entirely explicable. Yet.

"Students are reminded to please keep the floor clear of all manifestations of supernatural energy, tangible or otherwise. The last thing we need is another stuffed alligator sent to the hospital.

"The Dance Your Left Nostril Off Festival is this coming Friday, starting at 6 PM in the gymnasium for those of you who bother with such things. Proper attire is available from Interim Vice Principal Berrytwist for $3.14 per outfit, and the moment I determine how to change an irrational fraction of a cent, I will. Be sure to specify size and style; we're passing these all off on Rarity and she needs all the help she can get.

"Please be advised that the tome of ancient, eldritch lore Principal Celestia received from her divine equine counterpart has still claimed as Band Practice Room C as its rightful territory and refuses to release the Equestrian Luna until its demands have been met. No, it has not yet told us what those demands are. Given that Celestia's the one who endowed it with sapience, cake should suffice. It always worked on her back in her teens.

"On that note, students are advised to keep an eye out for pony analogues replacing their classmates. Sunset Shimmer has confirmed that an offer of bratwurst should crack any would-be infiltrators' resolve. Be vigilant, students. We don't want a repeat of the Rainbow Dash Incident.

"Finally, the Rainbooms are looking for a new member of their magical containment unit while Fluttershy recovers from a failure to believe that friendship is, in fact, magic. Applicants are expected to blindly obey the commands of extraplanar horse women, deliver after-school special morals with a straight face, and play the ocarina.

"Today's lunch is soggy waffles and chocolate milk, my treat. And do remember to let Celestia know precisely how well I'm doing in her position. Otherwise, she might try to make me fill in for her again.

"That is all."

Author's Notes:

Yeah, this was lifted largely from the results of one of the Mad Lib-style terrible fics. But EqG Discord was involved, and he has a special place in my heart. This resulted.

Movies in Pony Voices: Full Feather Jacket

"Huh." Rainbow Dash either had a thought or got mildly concussed; the two looked nearly identical.

Given how she was having a picnic with Fluttershy, odds were it was the former, though there had been that time Luna had been doing target practice with micrometeorites. "What is it?" said Fluttershy.

"I know your dad worked at the weather factory for years," said Dash. "Heck, I interned under him. But what did your mom do for a living before she met him?"

"Oh." Fluttershy blinked. "You know, I'm actually not sure. I'll have to ask her."

"Think it had anything to do with flowers?"

"Probably... though she was born in Cloudsdale. Not many other pegasi care much for gardening."

Dash shrugged her wings. "Whatever. This is your mom we're talking about. I'm sure it was something sweet and gentle."

Twenty-five years earlier...

"Good morning, scum," the pegasus mare said as she stalked down the lines of bunks. She didn't raise her voice. By all rights, it shouldn't have been audible from both ends of the barracks while she was in the center. But aside from her, the room was dead silent, her soft voice filling every available corner and leaving no room for even the possibility of another sound. "My name is Drill Instructor Shy, but as far as you sacks of glue are concerned, I am the mare who raises the sun and moon. Henceforth, you will speak only when spoken to and the first and last words out of your drooling sphincters will be 'Ma'am.' Is that understood?"

Once her voice left room for anypony else, the recruits shouted, "MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!"

That got a grudging nod. "Well. It seems there's something in your skulls besides horse apples. But I'm not convinced that that wasn't a fluke." She turned with cobra-like speed, pinning down a unicorn unfortunate enough to be next to her with her gaze. "You there."

He swallowed, eyes darting between looking at her and staring straight ahead. "M-ma'am?"

"Do you think you could kill a pony?" she asked, calm as could be.

He reached a compromise of staring at her. "Ma'am?"

"Did I stutter? I asked you if you thought you could kill a pony, Private. Or did you think joining the Royal Guard just meant standing around looking pretty and waiting for Celestia to walk by and check her reflection in your helmet? You will learn to use a spear, Private, to drive it into some unfortunate soul and not even watch him bleed his life away because three of his friends are trying to do the same to you." She leaned close enough to smell his fear and, no louder than before, said, "Do you think you can do that?"

The stallion collapsed and emptied his stomach on the floor, tears streaming from his eyes.

Drill Instructor Shy shook her head. "Disgraceful. Private Upchuck, you are excused to go fix your mascara." She didn't even watch as he tottered to his hooves, instead surveying the room. Several others looked as unsteady, though many still stood still as statues. "But you should all know that you will be expected to serve your country to the fullest of your ability in the event of international conflict, and I am expected to prepare you for such a dark day. When we are through, you will curse the very air I fly through, but rest assured, each and every one of you will be killers. Do I make myself clear?"

"MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!"

"Fan-feathering-tastic."

Author's Notes:

Well, when her daughter took R. Lee Ermey's part, it seemed like a natural extension of the theme.

Voice Actor Script Reading: Retirement Blue Giants

Author's Notes:

This script reading gave Equestria Girls the closest thing to a satisfying canon conclusion we'll likely ever get. Among other events, the Celestias of Equestria and the human world ended up in the other's world. While the princess seeks purpose in the wake of giving Twilight the throne, the principal beats up Cthulhu with the sun. Then decides to do the same to any other evils that might be hanging around.

Spike alerts Princess Luna. Her response is curt:

"''Tis about time'?"

"And a good evening to you, sister." Luna kept her focus on raising the moon,. After all the activity the sun had seen today, her own charge was sulking a bit.

"What exactly was that supposed to mean?" said Celestia, who from the sound of it had forgotten that her royal title was a thing of the admittedly recent past. Granted, they were still quartered in the palace, but Luna gave that another generation at most before they were politely asked to leave.

"You will need to be more specific." There. The petulant little attention horse was thoroughly placated, assured it was just as important as the sun, and set on its course. Honestly, Luna didn't know where it had learned that kind of behavior. "There are times for many things. A time for Neighsay to retire, a time to relax nighttime noise pollution statutes, a—"

"I think you know what I mean."

Luna rolled her eyes. That tone hadn't worked on her for more than a millennium. All those students must have preserved the habit. As she turned to face Celestia, she said, "Clearly I do not, or I would have answered your question by now."

The attempt to loom over her was similarly out of date. "A certain emergency Spike warned you about?"

"Ah, yes, your human counterpart." Luna took a few steps back to better give her sister a flat look. "Good to see someone take a stand against irrelevance."

Celestia drew back as though struck. "Excuse me?"

"Sister, from the moment we returned from our post-abdication vacation, neigh, even during it, you have moaned and whinged about having no purpose left in your life. Never mind how this is the end result of a scheme you put into place, it is clearly the worst thing to ever befall you. Despite the fact that these are circumstances of your own making, you, o queen of wheels within wheels, made no plans for yourself after you gave Twilight the throne. And it seems your answer to that crushing ennui was to do what you have done for literal centuries, save you did it in another world."

Neither said anything for a time. Finally, Celestia sighed. "Not my finest moment, no. Though in my defense, Grogar—"

"Aye, the goat carries some blame, but not all. I said 'twas about time not only to see the power of the sun brought to bear in a way that does not glass the countryside, but that a Celestia actually left her comfort zone, to use the modern term." Luna gave a wry smirk. "You could learn from yourself, Tia."

"I've already learned much today..." Celestia turned away. "Though I suppose lessons never truly end."

Luna wrapped Celestia in a hug. "Was it not our teacher who said only the dead stop learning? Come, dearest sister, tell me of your travails in the shimmering lands of humanity. I would know of yon faculty lot and the dread power it contains."