Author's Notes:

By now you should know what to expect.

Brr, had that counted as an argument? It sure felt like one. I hate arguments.

She used my name a lot...

Ah, fuck man, it’s not even my real name. Or is it? It’s this guy’s name, this guy standing right here alone in this room holding a teacup and feeling sorry for himself, but what about the other guy? What’s his name? Something else, I’d bet.

Although, wouldn’t it be amazing if his name was John too? Just through crazy random happenstance? That’d be amazing.

Anyway. I do suppose that was at least a bit of an argument. And my usual tactic or just pretending that there wasn’t a problem and letting it all wash over me didn’t work! Because that was the problem! Insidious stuff.

Ugh, whatever. We’ll go home, that charming doctor will stick me back in his suggestively-named machine and see what’s-what and it’ll all be totally above-board and then I’m sure everything’ll be peachy and we can forget any of this ever happened and just move on and continue doing what I’ve enjoyed doing this whole time. Fucking cushty.

Things better be the same! Umbra better not have done any rearranging upstairs! I’ll be mad. I’ll write her a sternly-worded letter. Leave it in a hedge for one of her minions to find and take back to her.

Wait, back up. She did know about me from before, didn’t she?. Said she had eyes and ears everywhere. Oh man, she probably does have minions just dotted around! More of those poor smiling sods! Reporting back!

That’s not a comfortable thought. Should probably bring that up. That’s a security concern, that is. Someone should look into that.

Well at least that’s a legitimate concern to feel wobbly about. The rest of this - more memory bollocks, more me being worried about what might or might not be going on inside my head - is just time-wasting navel-gazing horseshit.

Heh, horse.

No for real though it annoys me that this keeps coming up. I have two components of my life - the fun part that I don’t have to think too much about, and issues relating to my magically-fried brain that are aggravating and confusing. Can’t we just be done with it? Put it to bed?

Look. I’m here and I’m John. The other guy might be up there somewhere but we’d have to dig to get him out and that’s effort. And who needs that? I’m sure he’s fine. And I’m fine, right? Everything’s fine, see? Everything’s perfectly fine the way it is. Everything is set up perfectly. A place for everything and everything in it’s place.

Where did I hear that before? Hmm. Can’t remember.

Just, why can’t shit stay the same? Forever?

I’m comfortable! Prodding things around might change that! And change is death, right? Especially for me, maybe! If I go from where and who I am now to somewhere and someone else, that’s me dead. I’m gone, and now I’m someone else, right?

So just stay the same.

No! You idiot! That’s not how life works! Things move! Change! It happens all the time! No-one and nothing is ever a fixed-point! Never jump in the same river twice and all that shit! Get a grip! What is wrong with you!

Christ! Fucking philosophical toss! My brain is going to eat itself alive at this rate.

I’m going to go bother Twilight. Celestia’s off doing something regal and serious-sounding and I don’t think Cadence likes me that much, not that I can blame her. So Twilight it is. Lovely girl. Got a lot of patience for me, for whatever reason.

Getting to her wasn’t as easy as I might have liked. Was it a rule that all of these palaces had to be laid out in the most convoluted way imaginable? And what did ponies have against helpful signs telling you what was in what direction? Was it taboo or something? What if you needed the toilet in one of these places?

When I’m king there’s going to be a lot more signage, I’ll tell you that.

Huh. For me to be king I’d have to...marriage...succession?...is there a constitution that needs changing? Non-citizen…difficult to work around but not impossible...maybe…?

That can be a long-term project.

On the plus side my leg seemed to be having a particularly good day. A very good day, in fact. So good I didn’t even need the replacement stick that had been rustled up for me. I still took it, obviously, because I didn’t want to tempt fate, but it was nice not to have to limp very much at all. Refreshing!

As luck would have it I did manage to bump into a guard eventually - always so helpful - who pointed me in the right direction and after knocking on a few doors which turned out to be empty rooms I knocked on one that had someone on the other side answer me.

“Hello?” Came the sound of Twilight. I’d know that voice anywhere!

“Hope you’re decent in there, Twilight!”

As though a pony could be anything but!

Then again, actually…

No, best keep my mind away from that. Poor Twilight. She doesn’t deserve that! And it’d just be weird. Bleurgh.

I inched the door open a little but did not actually stick my head in, instead just waving a hand through.

“Do you mind if I come in? I’m bored. And lonely. So lonely,” I said.

“John? Sure, come in,” she said. So I did.

To my complete lack of surprise she was on the bed with books. Several books, in fact, all of them open. I sauntered on over - really enjoying having my leg not being a bastard for a change - and peered down at them. Didn’t mean anything to me, of course.

“Are you genuinely reading,” I did a quick count. “Five books at once?”

Twilight blushed. I did love it when that happened. Adorable!

“Not really. I mean, there’s five bere but it’s mostly just two - the others are for cross-referencing,” she said, as though that was better somehow!

“That’s even worse! Oh Twilight, you’re a young woman of fearsome intelligence,” I said.

“Thank you?”

Being careful not to upset her books and her notes - notes! She had notes, too! - I sat on the end of the bed. Leaning over I tried to make heads or tails of one of the books but it was all still gibberish to me, which made me feel the tiniest bit guilty.

Twilight had, after all, put some effort into teaching me how to read and thus far the results had been minimal at best. My fault, obviously. Laziness and general stupidity a bad mix for positive personal improvement.

“I have a confession for you, Twilight,” I said, sucking in a grave breath and setting my hands down on my legs.

Twilight, I saw, sat up a little more straight at this, one ear flicking.

“Uh, w-what?”

I sighed. Delivery of this was important. It had to be melodramatic and weighty. Wait a second, draw it out, then:

“I remain more-or-less illiterate. I have not been doing as much of my homework as I should have been, bad boy that I am.”

Confusion first from Twilight, then disappointment. Watched her face fall, ears fold. I felt bad.

“Oh. Oh right. That’s okay,” she said, forcing a smile. No! Not for my sake, Twilight!

“No, it’s really not okay. You put in a lot of effort on my behalf and I’m just pissing it up a wall - no more! Once we get back I’m doubling down, just for you. I’ll knock out the next great Equestrian novel by the time the year’s through, see if I don’t,” I said, wagging a finger at her to show I was serious.

Her ears stayed mostly back but I at least got a bit of lopsided smile out of her with that one, which was something.

“That’s ambitious,” she said.

“That’s making up for lost time. I’ll make sure it’s a real doorstopper, too.”

I held my hand up with finger and thumb apart to indicate how ridiculously thick and hefty I was aiming for. Twilight did not appear overly impressed so I added a couple inches and upped the girth. Ahem.

“Maybe focus on the reading first.”

Nodding, I dropped the hand.

“Course, course. One step at a time. The novel’s just the second step, is all. It’s part of my plan, Twilight,” I said, tapping my nose.

“Of course. What’s the last step?” She asked.

“Becoming king, obviously,” I said, all breezy.

Twilight jolted, eyes widening.

“That was a joke,” I added, quickly. “I don’t even know how that’d work. Just funny to think about, yeah? Think I’d suit a crown.”

She stared at me a second longer, waiting for the other shoe to drop or for the secondary or tertiary punchline or any hint I might continue the gag. Guess this is what I get for being a flippant bastard all the time. Oh well! Price to pay.

Eventually - after what felt like a real fucking long time - Twilight relaxed. For a given value of ‘relaxed’. At the very least she stopped boiling me alive with those big ol’ eyes of hers and looked down at the duvet.

Everything had gone uncomfortably quiet. That kept happening!

“I’m sorry. About what happened,” she said, voice small. Took me a sec to figure out what on earth she might have been talking about, but once I did I was having none of it.

“Ahbababa, none of that, please. Not your fault in the slightest. Just a, uh, very odd thing that happened out of nowhere. If anything you did the most to solve it all, so no apologies from you Twilight, okay? I won’t stand for it,” I said, shuffling up the bed closer to her while still doing my best not to disrupt her books, reaching out to just tip her chin up so she’d stop mopingly staring at the covers and actually look at me.

Hey, worked when Celestia did it to me…

“But I-”

“No, no buts, none of this, alright? Thanks to you I’m here and everything is peachy. So let’s be upbeat, eh?” I said, using my free hand to give the tip of her horn another little tap. Again, she sneezed. Confirmed!

“Stop that,” she grumbled, pulling back and covering the tip with both hooves. Cute, obviously.

“Sorry. I was verifying something.”

Twilight continued to give me a sour look so I stuck my tongue out at her. Appalled, she stuck her tongue back at me, too. Result. I laid back on the bed to stare at the ceiling, hands behind my head. Crystal ceiling. They definitely had a theme going.

“Presumably it’s quite nice and sedate up here the rest of the time? Now that it’s back, I mean,” I said.

The bed shifted a bit as Twilight came padding on over to lay down beside me, tucking in beneath one of my arms. And why not?

“Mostly. There were the Changelings...” she said gravely, as though I’d know what that meant. I did not.

“Changelings? The - swapping babies out of cribs?” I asked, fishing up a dim and distant memory of something I couldn’t fully grasp. Twilight just blinked sideways at me.

“No?”

“Then I am not familiar with what those are, I’m afraid.”

There followed a whistlestop trip down memory lane wherein which I learnt about Changelings - which were a thing, apparently, and were apparently shapeshifting emotion-eating bug things (figure that one out) - a hijacked wedding, botched conquest attempt, some big bad lady named Chrysalis...it was all a bit much, really.

Kind of glad I missed that one, if I’m being honest. Sounded like a rough time.

“More evil queens? Ye Gods! The North is lousy with them! Practically tripping over the things. I’m not going to have meet her too, am I?” I asked, propping myself up on an elbow to look down at her.

Apparently the wrong thing to have said. Poor Twilight’s face fell once again because of me. Argh! What’s wrong with you today?!

“We were really worried about you…” She said.

Now I felt even worse! I was not having a good run today, let me tell you what. Quite off my game. Appallingly so! Jesus, couldn’t make a bigger hash of things if I tried.

“Sorry, sorry, I won’t joke about it anymore.”

It is odd to wrap my head around the idea of people being so concerned about my welfare that they would take my own jokes at my own expense poorly. That just cooks my noodle, that does. I could joke about me dying until the cows come home but it seems that there are some who don’t see the funny side.

Takes all sorts, I suppose…

“Gah,” I then said. “We’re meant to be being upbeat! Drastic measures.”

“Wha-”

Drastic measures in this instance being, of course, tickling bellies. Results were immediate as I knew they would be! Certainly gave her something else to focus on.

This sort of thing is acceptable, you see, as we are buds. It’d probably be weird with anyone else, but me and Twilight are just like that. And thank heavens for it!

“S-stop! Stop!” She wailed, wriggling uselessly as she tried and failed to escape. I showed mercy, for I am kind, stopping the tickling, sitting up and instead plopping her onto my lap.

“Alright, no more moping, and I won’t make any more jokes about it because it obviously upsets you. And Celestia. And probably everyone who isn’t me. Okay?” I said.

“Okay,” she said, a little residual giggle just running through her. The tickling always got her!

“Good, okay, that’s step one of my new plan,” I said, firmly, nodding as a man who means business can only nod. Twilight paused midway through brushing away a tear - of mirth, one hopes - to look at me just a touch worried.

“Another plan?”

“I’m a man of many plans, Twilight. Wheels within wheels. This plan is a shorter-term one, though. We’re all taking the train back tomorrow, right?”

“Right.”

This was the idea, or at least what I had been led to believe was the idea. Have a reasonably sedate morning, a fairly substantial ‘farewell’ breakfast and thence back South. Can’t say it hasn’t been an uneventful trip!

“Well I’ll be back in Canterlot for a little bit doin’ some stuff, but after that I say that you and me fucking just get together and a have a fun day of it, eh? I mean, I know kind of a thing about this trip was you getting to see your sister-in-law - kind of the main thing, actually - but now I feel like we ain’t hung out at all! And that just won’t do. So what do you say?”

Figured I wouldn’t gain anything by out-and-out telling Twilight about me going back inside that big brain scanning thing. It’d only worry the poor girl, and she’d done quite enough of that already. And it hardly mattered, besides. It was going to be fine, so why mention it at all?

“What did you have in mind?” She asked. I was happy to see her ears had stopped being so droopy by this point - always a good sign, I’ve learnt. A definite tell with all this lot.

“I hadn’t planned that far ahead. I’m only one man, Twilight, can’t be expected to know all the details. But in theory the plan is good, right?”

“Sure,” she said, smiling.

“Cracking. I’ll cook something up and we can have a grand old time, I’m sure. For now I’ll leave you to it. Five books looks important.”

This I said with a nod to the books, still there, still five of them.

“It’s not that important,” she said in a manner that suggested this was not the whole truth.

Honestly, I couldn’t even hazard a guess. With Twilight it could have been anything.

“Well it’s clearly something or else clever you wouldn’t be doing it. So sayeth I. That, and I’m going to wander aimlessly for a bit and explore until someone tells me off,” I said, hoisting off my lap and replacing her onto the bed before slipping off back to the floor.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She asked, eyebrow raised.

“I’m sure it’s an idea.”

She couldn’t argue with that, especially given that I gave her mane a ruffle before she could respond. Tricks of the trade!

“I’m sure I’ll see you at dinner. Or, if I go somewhere I shouldn’t and get thrown into the dungeon, you can come visit me there.”

“...great,” she said, nonplussed.

“Well someone’ll have to bail me out! Celestia can’t be seen playing favourites, eh?”

A fitting note to end on. I gave her some thumbs up and some finger guns and, grabbing my stick from where I’d left it leaning, backed my way out of the room and into the corridor beyond.

Well, that had been fun. Now! To-

“John?” came a voice from beside me and I whirled, falling back against a wall as my balance went all to cock.

There stood Cadence, looking a little sheepish for having made me jump.

“Ah! Oh! Whoa, sorry, didn’t expect to see you there. Oh, my heart,” I said, hand clutched to my chest.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay, just - oh man. One of these days the sneaking up is going to be the death of me. Hi, hello, how you doing?” I asked, straightening up. Leg still doing good! Good job, leg.

“I’m good. You?” She asked, politely, as custom dictated.

“Also good.”

Pause. Awkward pause. There’s no flow with Cadence. Not yet, at least. I just haven’t quite got the measure of her yet. That, and there’s still that nagging suspicion that she’s just putting up with me because I’m a guest. Could just be a result of not having the measure of her yet, though.

I realised then that I was kind of still standing in the way of Twilight’s door. Cadence was presumably coming by for another visit, and I was blocking her. Oops. I stood aside.

“Sorry, was in the way,” I said.

She eyed the door but then looked back to me.

“Actually,” she said. “I was looking for you.”

“Uh, you were?”

“Yes.”

Well that’s a turn up. Genuinely didn’t see that one coming.

“Well. Here I am,” I said. Gave it a little jazz hands, just to spice it up. Got maybe the hint of a smile. That’s something.

“I just thought that we hadn’t really had a proper chance to get to know one another. Though, given how much Twilight talks about you, I kind of feel I know you already.”

Again, another turn up.

“Twilight talks about me? You guys write letters or something?” I asked. Cadence nodded.

“We do. And she does.”

“Huh. Not sure why she would but eh, that’s her lookout. Lovely girl, Twilight. One of several rocks upon which my present, rather delightful circumstances rests. Ah, waffling now. Should we, ah, go somewhere? Or just stand here? Do you think Twilight can hear us?”

My babbling got another hint of a smile - good? - and Cadence raised a hoof to indicate the corridor.

“Would you like me to show you around?” She asked.

“I was just going to walk in a random direction until someone told me to stop so your way would probably work better. After you.”

And so off we went.

You know, really, once you’ve seen one giant, sprawling magical castle you’ve seen them all. And I’ve seen at least two. Still, can’t complain, eh? It’s very impressive stuff all the same. The snowy scenery visible through the occasional window or out over the occasional balcony really added something, I think.

“So I hear that you’re the princess of love? How’s, uh, how’s that work for you? How does that even work?” I asked, just to make conversation, though I had been curious ever since hearing about it.

Love is a complicated concept, after all.

“That would depend. Love is a complicated concept, after all.”

That gave me a jolt. Probably just a coincidence. But, well, you never know these days, do you?

I mean sure last time it all kind of fell apart pretty quick and was kind of weird and unconvincing but maybe she was hustling you, you know? Maybe that was just to make you think that it’d all be like that? All come apart easy? Get you comfortable.

No, no, that’s just paranoia. Come on man, be square, be level. Everything’s fine. It’s done.

I’d stopped walking and it took Cadence a few steps to notice and when she did she turned back to me, perplexed.

“You - heh - y-you can’t read minds, can you?” I asked.

She frowned and said:

“No?”

Relief. It was her look of honest confusion at the question that sold it for me. Umbra couldn’t have been so subtle. Right? Right.

“Ah. Good. Sorry. Just a little paranoid these days,” I said.

Tap wall, tap nearby curtain. Everything checks out. Assuming that even ever worked. No, no! It’s done! Forget it! Fuck! I feel like an idiot.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine! Fine. Sorry. Been a rough patch, heh. Anyway, you were saying? Love? Complicated concept? Something like that?”

I could tell she wasn’t really buying that I was fine - and I was! - but she didn’t make an issue out of it, for which I was grateful.

“Love comes in many and varied forms,” she said and I nodded. This I knew, after all. Four types of love, wasn’t it? Or something. Cadence continued: “Though I have a soft spot for romantic, I’ll admit. I can see compatibility, among other things. Help those in love remember what it was they fell in love for. Stuff like that.”

She said this as though such ‘stuff’ was perfectly everyday. Sounded...nebulous to me. But what did I expect. In magic multicolour pony land, nebulous has weight and heft.

“You can’t make anyone fall in love, right?” I asked.

“No!” She said, aghast. “That’d be barbaric!”

“Yeah, figured that’d be against type for you guys. That’s good. Also something about a shield?” I asked. I had heard it mentioned. She’d been instrumental, I’d heard. Not to mention a bastion of strength.

She actually blushed a little at that.

“Not really it’s intended use but, well, yes that too. With some help from my husband. And the citizens, of course.”

“Of course,” I said, as though I understand what the hell is going on.

Love shield. Sure, why not?

I continued, because I could:

“Friendship is an odd thing to be a princess of, too, but that seems to have a tangible effect on the world around here. Makes sense that love would work the same. Ah! I wouldn’t go so far as to say I envy you lot your fancy-pants powers - there’s no-one I’d rather be than me, after all - but I do find it all fascinating.”

“You do?”

“Of course! I may not be able to remember, well, anything useful about home but I do at least remember that we didn’t have anything as interesting as what you guys have going on. And love was mostly intangible and, while pleasant, lacked the demonstrable effect it can apparently have here. A shame, I’d say,” I said.

At this point in our wanderings we’d reached yet another balcony - how many do you need?! - and I went up to the side to just peer over. We were quite high up! Nice views though, as always. Fabulous scenery. And again with the climate control. Magic’s a trip.

Cadence moved up to stand beside me.

“I’m sure there were good parts,” she said. I shrugged.

“Oh, no doubt no doubt. I just can’t remember them! Hah.”

Again, another of my high-larious jokes did not land the way I intended. What the hell was the matter with everyone these days? Was I the problem? No, that wouldn’t make sense. Making fun of myself is always funny.

Quick! Keep things moving!

“Speaking of remembering,” I said, clearing my throat. “I hear that you used to look after Twilight when she was little, is that right?”

“I used to foalsit her,” Cadence said. I beamed.

I had heard about this, of course, it having been mentioned in passing as the occasion for their knowing one another - and also what had led to Cadence marrying Twilight’s brother, too. His name escaped me. It was just that in hearing about it in passing no-one had used the word ‘foalsit’. For shame!

“Foalsit! Amazing! This place, I tell you. But yes, speaking of remembering, you wouldn’t happen to remember anything possibly maybe just the tiniest, smallest bit embarrassing from such times that I might maybe possibly store away for future use?”

You never know when you might need to blindside someone with an anecdote they didn’t think you knew about. It could come in handy all sorts of times!

Cadence grinned, slyly.

“I might. I couldn’t maybe possibly say,” she said.

Playing coy, eh?

“I’m not asking for anything, you know, devastating. Just maybe something I can use the next time it looks like she might be winning an argument. Which’ll probably be anytime because the damn girl is whipcrack smart. Or, failing that, it’d just amuse me to hear something about what she was like as a nipper. Ooh! Also! You might know her better than I do: what do you reckon would be a good, fun day out?”

Good idea to ask, right? I mean I had ideas, sure, but maybe Cadence had even better ideas!

Cadence looked as if this unexpected swerve was, of all things, unexpected.

“Uh, why?” She asked.

“I figured it’d be a good idea for me and her to have one once this has all settled. Given that, well, things were so unsettled. You know?” I said, gesticulating wildly.

“A day out?”

“Yeah. Like, I don’t know. Picnic or something. Something fun. To unwind. You know?”

You know? Ugh, verbal tics. I’m a mess.

Cadence did not immediately answer. Instead she appeared to be scrutinising me in a way I was thoroughly unaccustomed to.

“You okay there? I feel like I’m missing something,” I said. I really did.

Scrutiny continued a little longer and then Cadence blinked, shook her head, smiled apologetically.

“Sorry,” she said. “Just - nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“You alright?”

My turn to ask! Yes!

She smiled more fully, nodded.

“Totally fine. But now you’ve got a choice,” she said.

Now what was happening?

“I do?” I asked.

“Yep. Either embarrassing stories or day out ideas.”

I let my jaw drop, the better to highlight my shock at this betrayal.

“Gasp! You fiend! Well I never. And to think I was going to put you at number two in my princess rankings.”

“You can’t bribe me,” she said seriously, though still smiling, turning her face away and her nose up. She knew the score. I threw my hands to the sky, the better to look as though I was cursing fate.

“You’re no fun at all!”