Fallout: Equestria - The Paths we Carve
Chapter 10: Root Memory and the Trip
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The past half hour leading to Maneami had been taken up by philosophical discussion between the squad, primarily about the nature of time as a whole and whether it was cyclical or more of an eddie. All of this as they walked through a bombed out residence with scattered tropical and banyan trees. Whether pasts and futures looped into themselves and repeated or if reality was constantly undergoing new iterations with each wind around. About whether progress was a law of every multiverse, or only a fundamental aspect of their multiverse. Which led into questions about what was truly necessary for life and meaning, as well as queries regarding whether the gods were using them for entertainment or some greater purpose. The conversation twirled around between the four of them, touching upon the meaning of Acrid's cutie mark and, finally, the importance of complexity, and what was at the root of it all.
“Or it's just a continuous cycle in order to cement something important, or just for entertainment.” Faith reminded with a hoof in the air.
“Maybe. But growth seems so important to everything. It has more meaning than simply entertainment. It makes the most sense I guess?”
“Is that so?” Acrid challenged. “So then what about your mother dying Fear? You grow from that?” There was a teasing tone to his voice. Gentler and Faith shot him a dirty look, Fear just smiled and rolled his eyes.
“Yes, Acrid. I grew from that. I had to heal the wounds, and I haven't yet discarded the trauma fully – I know it still affects me in small ways like how I'm terrified of putting others in danger to this day. But I did grow. Even if not in all the best ways.”
“See?” Acrid pushed.
“Yeah, but it was mostly better ways,” Fear continued. “It also gave me better access to my magic. Nowadays that feels like a silver lining. Not a worthy transaction but more of an 'at least.' You know? Everyone keeps telling me once I discard the past, the things that no longer serve me, I'll figure out how to draw more power from the world around me, but I'm still figuring out how to do that.”
Acrid puffed out his chest. “Probably by learning to not be afraid of loss.”
Fear felt an ulterior motive to that comment, but decided to ignore it. “Sure I fear losing my family, but I'd lose them all over again if it came to it, if it meant I could have them for a little while longer. It hurts, it traumatizes, but it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”
Faith chortled. “You took that straight from a playbook!”
Fear grinned, blushing and rubbing the back of his head with a hoof. “Guilty! But it's a super important line with a lot of truth to it.”
Acrid smirked. “Oh? So then when are you going to grow out of this 'I'm an imposter' phase you seem to be stuck in?”
Fear's jaw fell open a bit, and the others glanced at him. He felt their eyes lingering on him and his blush intensified, glancing at the ground. “Well. Uh. I'm still working on that,” he murmured. “I just feel like I'm gliding through life, or maybe not gliding enough. It’s as if everything I possess, have experienced, and have become is fake.”
“Well at least you still have a home, Fear. My roots are dead. Even if you don't deserve it,” Acrid replied, “you have those who love you. In my opinion it doesn't matter if you deserve it or not.”
“Yeah but you don't know what I did,” Fear whispered. “And besides, you can always live with me in Dryfield until you come up with where you want to go, and what you want to do.”
Acrid's gaze shifted behind him to Fear, surprise etched in his face. “Well... thank you. I appreciate that.”
Fear could tell Acrid was hiding something. Maybe it was just lack of enthusiasm? But why? There was something else there too. An allure or admiration, he didn't want to know. “Well what about you Acrid? How have things grown for you?” Fear jut a hoof out toward the equine ahead of him. “Surely you've been remembering more. I've seen the way you handle yourself in a fight nowadays.”
Acrid narrowed his eyes, then shrugged nonchalantly, lifting a hoof and twisting it up to face the sky. “I've remembered more than I'd like to. But that doesn't mean it's not a good thing, if that makes any sense. And it helps I have a way to defend myself nowadays.”
“Huh,” Faith replied. “First time I've ever seen you so curt and not cracking jokes.”
Acrid sighed. “Nothing to joke about, Faith. Changing the subject... what were you saying earlier about not knowing what you did Fear?”
Well at least some ponies didn't care what they learned, even if it was bad, Fear thought. “You always had that good of hearing or is it situational?”
The older stallion scoffed. “Says the pony who used to eavesdrop. For someone who doesn't like prying you sure like sticking your snout where it doesn't belong.”
“Well, I mean...” Fear muttered. “It's not exactly prying if they're already talking about it.”
Acrid laughed. “Is that how you excuse it?” Acrid shut his mouth before he said something hurtful. “It's fine. I know why you do it Fear. You just want to help, and you're also lethally curious. But now I'm curious about you, it's time to open up.”
“Oh. Uh.” Fear looked up from the ground, focusing on Acrid. “Well... I guess I could tell you. I don't usually like telling ponies about myself. But...” Fear massaged his foreleg with a hoof. “Long story short, after my mother died I killed a couple innocents. A father and a son.”
Acrid threw Fear a glance, eyebrow raised. Fear felt a lot of emotions cross Acrid's consciousness. Betrayal, apathy, indecision, disgust, and then after a few moments the disgust reached a crescendo. “I can see why you don't tell others. You probably should so they don't get the wrong idea about you.” Biting words. “You ever try seeking out the mother in your sleep?”
A tentative smile crossed Fear's face as he ran a hoof through his mane. “Uh. Yeah. I keep in touch with her frequently and I try to be there for her what little I can. I try to be like a second son to her but it's difficult and I usually don't succeed.”
Looking down at the ground, Acrid's brow furrowed. “You should try harder.”
Fear could tell Acrid's opinion of him had changed with one little revelation. His heart ached, and he glanced off and to the side. He tried to turn his emotions into thoughts. I feel guilty, ashamed, and inferior. I've started putting a lot of emphasis on what Acrid thinks of me, so it hurts more. That doesn't mean I'm bad... right? Faith and Gentler like me. Right? It wasn't helping as much as he'd hoped. Acrid doesn't determine my self worth, I don't need him to. It usually helped, but it wasn't fully assisting this time.
Instead, as they entered city limits, Fear took out his sword and dwelled on that. He remembered the consciousness venom from his death to the Surreal. Could he do something like that to put someone to sleep? To recreate it, I need to know what it consisted of. It was a form of poison. What kind of elements are poisonous? ...Fire. Radiation? Can I focus radiation in my sword? If I can focus, albeit tainted water to my sword I should be able to summon radiation... right?
Fear spun the sword around a few times, staring at it and concentrating. Evolution. Change. Unregulated growth. Overwhelming energy. Shedding excess, for better or worse. Sickness. Alteration. Harness that feeling and command it. He squeezed his eyes shut as he cast out Shaybna's lure, seeking out the aspect of nature. Following his family with his sixth sense alone. Shaybna? Can you help please?
There was a bite. He felt a connection, a thin, wavering thread through the sword as a conduit, fusing him with reality on a barely visible wavelength. Fear's chest puffed out and he opened his eyes as he yanked forward with his consciousness and twisted the sword around his body before bringing it up, over his body, then down, edge horizontal, in front of him. As he stared at the blade he noticed a sickly green globby glow exuding from the blade, giving it a diseased sheen. As it stabilized, it became less a blob and more like a streetlight in the fog, that's what the green reminded Fear of. It gently radiated outward, and Fear realized he should extinguish it before it affected him.
But...
Can I modify this element to mimic the virus and put others to sleep? But how? Fear chewed on his lower lip as his ears flattened against his skull. Then gnawing on a hoof. He had to be quick. I'll ask Luna. Doing it in the middle of a battle without testing is dangerous.
That's when Fear heard a voice in his mind.
“Fear.”
Shaybna? What is it?
“The solution to your problem is simple. It is akin to making a spell. All you must do is channel your will through me, and I will be your horn. Think about your intent, will it, and incant whatever may come to your heart to direct that emotion more efficiently. Your youth and inexperience with your spells makes the incantation a requirement.”
Hmm... will the same thing work for healing a consciousness with the blade?
“Yes, Fearei Shatter. I am merely a conduit for your will, a second, more powerful horn.”
Thank you Shaybna. I'll keep that in mind.
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Unsurprisingly there had been raiders waiting outside their destination, both for the defenseless and newly wealthy to come out for an ambush. Suffice to say they'd been dispatched easily enough the second Fear sensed them and the squad was able to go on the attack. Their destination, the main Maneami Market Place, was naturally fortified and the best place to go in the area to sell and buy goods. Fear knew about it from Emulae and the Viola hive in general. It had stone walls, choke points, other tactical advantages. Fear and his family were paying a visit there in order to resupply a tiny bit with the money they had from Dryfield. Fear only had a thousand caps on him, but it should've been enough for necessities. He wasn't exactly rich back home but he had a reliable job and was skilled at what he did for a living. It'd been three years making a name for himself in that town, both toward those who passed through and those who lived there. No matter how hard Fear was on himself, he could at least puff his chest out in the knowledge he was talented as a comfort horse, no matter what the job entailed, be it emotional or physical comfort, or even actual sex. Change and healing was in his nature.
And it helped that, among his companions, he was the only one that didn't need actual food in order to survive. All he needed was a consistent source of love, and given how his family felt about him... it wasn't difficult to siphon what he needed to keep himself topped off.
As the group split up with their gear in order to go about buying what little they needed, Fear hung out in the center among the various shopkeeps, watching as ponies bartered to get what they needed. His saddlebags hung over his flanks, covering up his cutiemark. Wonder if Gentler will ever purchase a long ranged weapon. Fear flicked his tail as he looked over to where Faith was. I'm never surprised anymore to see ponies trying to get her to sell the Alicannon. Then his vision settled on Acrid, narrowing his eyes. I don't know what to think about you... His tail swept to the side, and that's when he caught the colt in his peripheral, snapping his head to look at him.
An emaciated unicorn colt was hanging out in front of the canned food bazaar, looking longingly at the items on sale. His jaw hung open, and his eyes were sunken and bruised, but he looked more tired than pathetic. Fear cursed himself for thinking that way about another pony. His breathing was heavy but Fear could see the determination hiding in his eyes. He had nothing on him. A red coat, a prismatic butterfly for a cutiemark, and greasy brown mane and tail. He looked like a wreck, his fur askew and dirty, with patches of dust scattered over him. Fear's eyes lingered on the colt for awhile. What's he doing? Doesn't he have...? No. Of course not. Most ponies don't have parents. He closed his mouth and wandered over to the colt. Overall this little one reminded Fear of himself, even if they were nearly the same height, with the younger being ever so slightly smaller.
“Hey there.”
The colt jumped and took a step back, curling up on himself, glancing around wildly like he was about to be hurt by the guards that used automatic weapons and far more precise firearms to defend against raiders. To Fear it felt less anxious, more paranoid. Living in the wastes was traumatic. His lips blubbered a bit and he bowed his head. A feigned demonstration of deference and sadness, Fear could tell. “Sorry about that, just looking! ...Again.” The colt was optimsitic and strong. Looking at him reminded Fear of his roots, almost. The difference being he'd had a chance on his own. It wasn't quite guilt that spurred him, but a sense of camaraderie.
Fear held a hoof up defensively, throwing on a charming grin, a lock of hair falling over his eyes. “Come on, I know you're not really that scared.” Fear's strange glowing eyes shimmered. Still, fake panic or not... Fear was proud of the colt for enduring. “I just wanna know what you're doing here.”
Something about Fear's voice was intense to the colt, but he couldn't put his hoof on what. His gaze settled on the cans of food before him and he bit his lower lip. “Uhh. Hm. I was just... looking at the food. I haven't eaten in days. And I know if I go outside I'm going to get caught by those raiders and used for... whatever they want.”
Fear frowned slightly, glancing to the food vendor. “Is that so? What about your parents?”
The colt stayed silent, though his eyes contracted. Fear knew it was frustration. That or hesitance to trust.
“What about your name? Do you have one or remember it?”
“Flitter Fly.”
Fear's cheeks puffed out and he coughed into a hoof.
“Don't laugh.” Flitter spat. “I know it's not wasteland material.”
“It's not that Flit... it's just I didn't expect a unicorn to be named 'fly.' Any reason your parents named you that?”
Fear felt cordial to the colt. Didn't seem like a danger. He didn't draw closer, but he spoke a little more freely, his dulled orange eyes appearing distracted. A manipulative air that Fear could sense overcame the colt. “I don't know. They never told me. They died before I could get to know them very well. It's difficult to get inside a group because they want you to do all these things to prove your loyalty, and some are just... bad.”
Narrowing his eyes, Fear thought on that, hunching over. “Yeah I know what you mean. I had the same difficulty growing up. Once I finally learned to trust others I tried to latch on but it was difficult.” And I always felt guilty trying to grow attached for the longest time. Fear faced Flitter. “You know what I think your name means?”
The colt looked to Fear with a hint of apprehension and suspicion, like he suspected Fear was trying to get something out of him.
“I think it means that you're meant to be free, your own unicorn, doing what you want. Showing off your beauty to those you come across. Carving out a life for yourself. I think it represents your inner soul. Beautiful and fragile, yet strong and flying above everything that tries to bring you down.” Fear glanced to Flitter and gave him a small smile. “That sound about right?”
A single, solitary smile graced Flitter's face as he lifted an eyebrow at Fear, then chuckled. “Nice. But super cheesy. You need to work on your negotiation skills, you're not going to get anypony to give you anything with ass-kissing like that.”
Fear just simpered and lidded his eyes.
The shopkeeper spoke up, no recognition in his eyes. “Look. This colt comes by frequently to mooch. Just constantly giving him what he needs is going to encourage him. Now either buy something or leave. You're scaring away the customers you glowing-eyed freak.”
Fear nearly barked out laughter, leaning forward before standing up and throwing a hoof around the colt, leading him away. Flitter didn't resist, but he wasn't easy to guide either. “It's no lie, that's what I really think. I guess I'm just a cheesy kinda pone. Though we should probably get you a little food. I also have an idea.” As he led Fly away, he reached into his saddlebags and pulled out a box of sunflower seeds, closing them back up and levitating them alongside him.
“Well... I guess you seem sincere enough.” Flitter smirked a bit. Fear seemed like an easy mark. “What's your idea?”
“I'm gonna teach you a couple things right quick. Here. Eat a few of these. They'll help you recover a little.” Fear dumped a small handful of seeds out and hoofed them over to the colt.
Flitter opened his mouth and popped the seeds in, crunching down on them all with his flat teeth, before swallowing. “Huh. Where'd you get these things? These are really good!” There was vitality in the seeds. Pure life force and love emitting from them.
Fear stopped where he was and turned around to face the colt. “Trade secret, and you can have them. I don't need them that bad. Even if you're just taking advantage of me, that doesn't really matter. I wanna help. Just make sure to eat 'em sparingly.”
Flitter's gaze softened, and he looked away with a huff. “You seem simple.”
“Hah. I probably am. I've seen things of myself, I wouldn't be surprised if I had issues and deficiencies.”
The colt's face screwed up, his facade melting away a bit. On second thought Fear looked awfully familiar. But what would the Marvelous Spiral be doing in Maneami? Heroes didn't come to Maneami. “Alright, enough of this bullshit, what's the rest of your idea?”
Fear grinned and giggled. Definitely saw himself in Flitter. “I'm going to buy you some things, so you can start scavenging a little. Make a name for yourself, ya know? Because I know there's nothing more satisfying in life than learning how to fend for yourself. The high it gives is intense.” He threw his forelegs out, and then started leading Flitter over to a vendor selling clothing and storage.
Flitter was... confused. But not altogether against it. What was Fear's problem? Why did he think it was important? What did he have to gain? What was he going to make him do?
Fear read his worries and shot him a little smile. “There's no strings attached, I promise. If you decide you wanna just sell it after we're done and keep living as you were, that's fine. But being cast out alone without any opportunities sucks.” He slapped Flitter on the back, before looking over the items on sale and choosing one. A single saddlebag with a strap. A little frayed, but good enough for what was needed. He pulled out 100 bottlecaps from his saddlebags and hoofed them over to the vendor. “Here ya go.” Then he turned to Flitter. “Need help putting this on or can you do it?”
Flitter huffed and puffed out his cheeks. “Wow you really shouldn't treat everyone like a foal – I'm more intelligent than that!” He floated the saddlebag over to his barrel, coiling the strap around, and fastening it to the buckle until it was tight. The bag was bigger than him. But he could carry it. The seeds had helped. It was strange though. Putting it on made him feel more powerful.
Fear took the box of seeds and tucked it away into the bag. “Keep this safe. There aren't many but it'll keep you going for a couple weeks. They're made of pure love.”
“Pure love?” Now that was surprising. And fucking stupid.
Fear shrugged his shoulders. “Kinda anyway.” Flitter's look of confusion abated, only to be replaced by frustration at the sheer vagueness. There was a lopsided, teasing grin on Fear's face. “Now c'mon. Let's get you something that'll allow you to scavenge.”
Flitter went silent, glaring at the ground in thought. It felt weird to be taken care of like this, but not out of place. Fear almost seemed like a father figure in this instant. “How'd you get all this money? What do you do?”
“Oh I'm a comfort horse. Perfect job for somepony like me. But I'm not going to explain why. Gotta keep some secrets.”
Flitter grunted in response as they came to a bunch of scavenger tools set out on top of a towel.
Fear picked out a red handled crowbar and paid the shopkeep 130 caps before opening up Flitter's saddlebags and shoving it in at an angle so it could more easily settle inside. “You know, you're very quiet for a pony who's having his whole life turned upside down.”
There was a pause. “I don't know. Just not used to anypony going this far for me or take the risk that I'm just going to take advantage of your kindness. It's... strange. I don't know why you'd do it. Why you'd try to enable me. And for all you know I might one day try to mug you?”
“Haha! No way you'd ever do that. Even if you did you'd be incapacitated before you could shoot me. Now come this way.” Fear brought him over to a firearms dealer. Selecting a box of 50 rounds and a silenced pistol. 740 caps total. Fear didn't have much left, but that was fine. “Do you know how to load and fire a pistol Flitter?”
Flitter shook his head, eyebrows still furrowed. “No.”
Fear held the gun out. “Well here, like this. Here's the safety,” he pointed to a switch with his hoof, “and all you do to pull out the magazine is...” Fear compressed the magazine release with his telekinesis and pulled. “Then you just load the magazine with bullets.” Fear, while holding all three, box of 10mm bullets, magazine, and pistol, started funneling rounds into it. “Then when you're done put it back in.” Shuck. “Then pull back on this...” click. “And it's ready to fire. Keep the safety on whenever you're not using it. Make sure you know exactly how many rounds are in your gun at all times, and always keep it loaded in case of emergencies.” Fear hoofed it off to him with the handle facing the colt. “Capiche?”
“Alright all-knowing one. Any tricks to aiming?” There was a sour tone to Flitter's voice, but not altogether unpleasant. More a defense mechanism than anything.
Fear grinned from ear to ear. “Glad you asked. Stare down the sight, keep both eyes open, and try to pull the trigger in the center, otherwise you'll shoot slightly off. Try not to put it right in front of your eyes otherwise the recoil might get'cha. Alongside that, don't overestimate the recoil or you'll tilt it forward and your aim will be off.” He pat a hoof on the colt's shoulder as he set the weapon and ammo in his saddlebags. “You'll get used to it with time. What you wanna try to do is only use it if you absolutely need it. Keep your ears and eyes open for danger, and don't go shooting unless you know somepony is a threat. Sometimes it helps to use rocks as noisemakers to distract a raider.” Fear nuzzled into the colt's mane with his muzzle. “I think that's all you really need to know. You'll learn the rest on your own. You got all that?”
Flitter nodded once. “Thanks, I guess. I suppose I owe you to at least try finding a little something.” A beat. “By the way... Are you the Marvelous Spiral? I feel like an idiot asking, because it makes no sense he'd be around Maneami.”
Fear cocked his head to the side. “I'm sorry. I don't know who that is. Are you sure you're not confusing me for someone else? My name's Fearei Shatter.”
Flitter looked like he'd been punched. “Well it's nice to meet you I suppose, Fear. You sure I can have all this?”
Fear shook his head and slapped a hoof on Flitter's back. “Yeah. Everyone deserves a chance to make something of themselves, even if they don't take that opportunity. Stay safe and try not to let paranoia get to you. You've survived this long so I'm sure you know the ins and outs of avoiding raiders.”
Flitter laughed. “Yeah I do. Huh. Well thanks, whatever you are, for spending so much money on me I guess. You're not so bad. Definitely easy to mooch off of.”
“That may be so but I'm sure it'll be worth it. Now I gotta go, my family's going to be done soon.”
“Family?” Who would hang out with this loser?
Fear gave a firm nod. “Yeah.” Then he pointed to Acrid (who was buying a couple health potions), Gentler (who was chatting up a mare at the pharmacy), and Faith (who was looking through the literary section). “Those guys are my family. I care about them a lot and they care about me. You should start your career in earning family of your own around here. Friendship is super duper important Flitter! You never know who's going to be with you in the thickest of moments.”
Flitter lifted a foreleg against his chest and stared askance. “I... suppose. Thanks.” The colt seemed uncertain. “Look, you might be dumb but still, no one's gone quite this far for me before. So I guess I kinda owe you at least a little effort.”
Fear nodded and clapped both forehooves on Flitter's shoulders while sitting on his haunches and ignoring the insult. “Anytime. Now. I gotta go. I think my family's finishing up. You be safe okay? I expect to be hearing good things about you on the grapevine. And don't worry about the raiders waiting to ambush, I took care of them. They won't be coming back.”
The colt finally offered a genuine smile, albeit a cautious one, and turned to walk off. Even if the small stallion was dumb, he apparently was no pushover.
“Oh! Flitter!” Fear called out, something occurring to him.
Flitter about-faced and stared at Fear with glassy eyes. “What is it??”
The young stallion smiled from ear to ear, seeping into his eyes. “If you feel like doing so, make a stop by Friendship City and join the Wasteland Crusaders.”
“I'll... think about it. Thank you Fear.” And with that he was off, contemplating the new path set out before him.
Fear mused. I might visit Flitter in his dreams now and then.. Keep an eye on him. He realized a moment later that he'd spent a a lot of money on the colt. Would he have enough for the boat ride? Oh well. I'm good at bartering. It's part of my job after all. Even if I need to do a little comfort horse duties I can get anything with a little struggle.
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“So then I realized I should probably check on him in his dreams now and then. Keep an eye on him and give him advice, maybe set up some dreams where he practices certain scenarios. I don't know. Is that too much? I just want to take care of him.”
Faith smiled brightly. “I think that's incredibly sweet of you Fear. Going to such lengths for a colt down on his luck shows you're growing, and that you'd be a good role model. You really shouldn't doubt yourself so much.”
Acrid puffed out his chest. “I don't know. You might've created a monster or gotten him killed. You gave an immature foal a weapon.”
Gentler shot Acrid a glance.
Fear wasn't certain what to make of that. It seemed... twinged with something. “I suppose, but I'm willing to take responsibility for that.”
“That's the spirit Fear!” Faith chirped. “Do good recklessly. Project your inner alicorn!”
Acrid huffed and looked off to the side in a pout.
Gentler narrowed his eyes. “Hey, you guys mind giving Acrid and me a second alone? I need to talk to him.”
Faith glanced, surprised, at Gentler. “Uh. Sure.”
Fear's focus settled on his cat friend and he lifted a hoof in uncertainty and suspicion. After a moment he nodded once and headed to the other side to talk with Faith. “Yeah sure. Take all the time you need. Just not too long. The time to save Abyssinia is getting very close.”
Gentler held up an 'okay' hand sign, wiggling his snout. “Sure thing Fear, thanks.” And then he started dragging a confused and protesting Acrid to the side.
Fear was pretty sure he knew where this conversation was going to go. Gentler was a good friend. Should he listen in though? That was the question. As he considered what to do, Faith asked him what he thought was going on. “Oh. Well you know Acrid's been acting strangely... passive aggressive right? Like when we fought that raider group before we got to the marketplace and he made that smartass comment about how I rely on my sixth sense so much, and how it got me killed? Then just now he was unnaturally aggressive and pessimistic? Something's going on with him.”
Faith tilted her head to the side. “I think I know why. I just didn't realize it was a problem for you. You've always seemed so lowkey with everything.”
“It's not. But apparently Gentler got tired of it. I think I know why too... and it makes me terrified.” Fear stepped in place a few times, rather nervously.
“You going to listen in?”
“Nah. Acrid was right. I eavesdrop way too much as it is. I should try to tone it down a bit.”
Faith ruffled Fear's mane. “That's kind of you. Acrid will tell you for himself when he's ready.”
A reluctant sigh came from Fear. “I don't look forward to it.” Because I'm starting to feel similar.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vwn78NMlfds
As Acrid and Gentler got out of earshot, the cat spared a glance toward Fear and Faith talking, before digging into the earth manipulating stallion. “Okay. Spill it. What's going on with you?”
Acrid balked in feigned confusion, lifting a foreleg and pressing it against his chest as if offended. “What? Why would you think something's going on? I'm just speaking my mind. Is that a problem now?”
“Shut up Acrid. We're a squad. We travel together, we live together, we die together. We can tell when something's off about the other and something's obviously off about you. What's going on? You've been unfairly aggressive and shooting Fear dirty looks constantly, even at the marketplace.”
Acrid huffed and glared at the ground, then off to the side with a lifted eyebrow, forehead furrowed a bit. “How'd you know?” There was a pouty tone to his deep voice.
“You make it obvious, and I'm a cat who lives in a normally xenophobic wasteland. I have to be on my toes all the time. Now. Spill it.”
“Okay! Okay.” Acrid stomped a hoof and spun around. “I've just been really affected by what Fear admitted to me on the city limits. Fear's always been a hero in my mind. It's dumb to think he did something so stupid. I'm just judging him really harshly. You might think it's unfair but someone has to stop looking past the sins of everyone here, otherwise it'll just keep happening.”
Gentler's eyes lidded and he leaned back, changing his stance to something more masculine, crossing his arms over his chest and twisting his head to the side. “Yeah. Right. That's definitely not all of it. You've seen some of the worst the wasteland has to offer, heard it with your own ears. You've grown accustomed to it during our travels. You may not feel comfortable killing anyone but you're more than adept in a fight. You were prepared for this life.” He thrust a finger out at Acrid accusingly. “What's really on your mind?”
Acrid was getting more and more flustered, sitting on his haunches with forelegs crossed over his chest, glancing down and to the side with a look of rage, glaring a hole into the floor. Finally he threw his forelegs up into the air like an explosion. “Fine!” He shouted, then dialed it down to a vehement whisper, jabbing a hoof at Gentler. “You know why it's bothering me so much? Because Fear's become my hero. He's a disgusting bug but he's taught me not all bugs are simply parasites. There's something about him that hits me in the core of my being. His eyes are piercing, He worms into my soul and there's nothing I can do about it.” Acrid was curling in on himself furiously, cringing inward.
“And?” Gentler asked with a raised eyebrow.
“And I care about him a lot I guess!? He's been trying to do everything for me even though he has a whole host of his own problems. He tries to help everyone he comes across. He's more useful than I ever was, and I admire him for that. I don't hate him. Not even for what he did back then. He's clearly a role model even if he can't accept it for himself.” Acrid's voice was still a low whisper. “I guess I care about him so deeply I just wanna be around him more. Feel him rub off on me. And maybe get his attention. Feel like I'm worth his time and I'm not just some loser who couldn't even accomplish his mission centuries ago. You know?”
A tiny, victorious grin spread across Gentler's muzzle. “So you're in love with him is what you're saying?”
Acrid huffed. “Yeah! I guess! I hate it but it's true. His life, everything about him moves me in a way I've never felt before. He's everything I ever wished I could be even with his mistakes, he's modest to a fault, and he makes me feel like someday I'll be something legendary too. I don't want to let him down and I just want him to feel the same way about me.”
Gentler flexed a bit while in his stance, wiggled his snout, and leaned to the other side. “You know why Fear's afraid of getting close to others right?”
Acrid glanced up at the cat in surprise. “What? Why?”
“You remember how he told you he lost his sister twice?”
“Yeah, what about it?” Acrid queried, loosening up a bit, feeling a bit more comfortable now that Gentler wasn't focusing on him, nor was he teasing him.
“Fear was traumatized twice by her loss, and the second time even more-so because just when he thought there was hope for the two of them to be a thing, even if he had to make concessions for it, she was taken away from him again. Of her own volition. She sacrificed herself to save him.”
A deer-in-headlights look overtook Acrid and his face went incredibly pale, jaw hanging open.
“You see now? He's concerned it'll just keep happening to him over and over again. I think anyone who's experienced trauma automatically assumes that's the way the world operates, no matter how irrational it sounds. Because they don't want to be hurt again. They set up defenses to keep them from growing attached, or from letting down their guard. Systems to protect themselves. Fear doesn't want to get close to anyone because he's scared he'll lose them just like he lost his mother and sister. He talks a big game, but even with his perspective on love and loss, he's cautious because he's afraid he's cursing those who care for him to give up what's most important.”
Acrid huffed and glared off to the side, blushing intensely. “Th-that's silly! Ponies give their lives for others because they care. You can't stop someone from growing to care about you. How has he not learned that?”
Gentler readjusted himself. “He has. And he clearly hates it. But he just keeps pulling others into the center of his spiral because he can't help himself. He wants to help others. I think if anything's a curse, it's the way he lives his life. If he has feelings for you he's not going to show it without a lot of effort.”
“I just... want him to see me the way I see him for however long we have left on Equus. It means the world to me.”
“Well you're going to have to pull it out of him kicking and screaming then.” Gentler moved away, his cloak flapping. “Just don't push too hard or you'll push him away.” And with a wave over his shoulder he beckoned Acrid to follow.
Acrid was alone with his thoughts. But it wasn't time for that. They had to get to the harbor.
==========================================================================================
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xh_r_lEPfZ8
The waters of the harbor slapped and plopped against the piers casting out to sea. There were so many old boats of varying shapes and sizes, but it was not guaranteed all of them worked, and most did not have the gasoline to run for very long. Buoys far away pinged, ponged, and chimed in the distance, sending out their distress call to those who would never be able to do much about it. Everything felt rather fishy. The air smelled of irradiation and death. Certainly the smell would clear up when far enough on the water? If one looked carefully they could see a cut in the cloud cover on the horizon. So the taint had to end at some point, even if it bled into waters outside the boundary.
As for the building that was once a bait and tackle shop, it was reinforced like a fortress, with a couple cameras and a turret outside. Fear's eyes followed it, and the barrel followed him. He was in the lead, with the other three trailing behind him.
Fear knocked on the door to the shop-turned-home as Acrid stared at him. Those feelings of admiration were stronger than ever, and while they reminded him of a time long past, of feelings long dormant, it also made him increasingly uncomfortable in his presence. It was suffocating.
The door opening was a divine act of mercy, and Fear immediately took a step forward as a camera remained trained on him and his team. “Hello?” The stallion on the other side, while gruff, was incredibly tentative. “You know I'm closed at the moment right? Come back another time if you want to go diving for loot.” His wavy red head ducked out of the way of the door, but Fear immediately put his hoof in the doorway.
“I'm sorry to bother you this late. But we're kind of in a hurry. We need to get to Abyssinia.”
The stallion blinked a couple times, then squinted at Fear. “You know there's a giant monster keeping ponies from leaving too far past the harbor right? ...And those glowing eyes...” The azurite-eyed stallion glanced inside. Fear cocked his head to the side. The stallion looked back. “Purple mane... gray fur. Unnaturally small. Sword.” He shook his head a few times. “Marvelous Spiral? Except the scar wasn't mentioned, so that's not possible...”
That was the second time that day Fear had heard it. But not the second time he'd been getting curious looks, and ponies trying to peer under his saddlebags discretely. “Uhh. Okay. I gotta ask. Who is this Marvelous Spiral everyone's talking about?”
Gentler rolled his eyes and tapped the young stallion on the shoulder. “Fear, you remember what your cutiemark looks like right?”
As the impact of what had been going on lately settled in, Faith gasped, a hoof over her mouth, Acrid stared bug-eyed, and Fear froze up.
Fear did not only freeze up, his hooves came together, a blush crept across his cheeks, and his eyes widened and bulged out, pupils shrinking. Wait wait wait wait. Ponies had been hearing about him? How? Why? Fear's blush intensified for the second time that day until it looked like a red rag had nestled across his face. It spread into his eyes, and his lips pursed, undulating slightly. He opened his mouth to speak while bolting his head between Gentler and the unknown stallion over and over again before his knees locked up and he collapsed to the side while letting out a squeak.
Only for Gentler to 'ope' and catch him. “Careful Fear. Jeeze.” Then he looked up to the stallion. “Why don't you tell us what this Marvelous Spiral is said to have been doing and we'll figure it out that way?”
“Sheesh,” the stallion whistled. “Don't you guys pay any attention to the DJ? You have a radio with you right there.” He pointed at Fear's mother's radio. “There's been talk on broadcasts that some colt with a rainbow spiral as a cutiemark has been going around being a hero. Beating dragons, saving a desert town from a ghoul, and most recently there was an interview about how he saved a small village, and possibly many others years ago. There's been speculation he was also the cause behind King Solanum's death too. There's no way you're him, right? DJ would've mentioned such a massive mark, and a hero wouldn't freeze up from a little recognition, nor would he be that small no matter how unnatural the DJ said it was.”
Fear was breathing rapidly, popping his hoof into his mouth and sucking. He couldn't think. Couldn't register anything. All that was on his mind was. Ponies look up to me. It was a bittersweet feeling, full of regret, full of terror, full of doubt, and full of pride. So many conflicting feelings barraging his brain that he'd long since checked out of the conversation.
Gentler pulled the young stallion to the side and cracked his knuckles. “Yes, this is the Marvelous Spiral. Rainbow spiral cutie mark and all.” The cat stared at his gauntlets with lidded eyes, watching how they reflected the light. “You can look for yourself, he's the real deal. I don't suppose you're willing to give us a discount on some gas and a ship for it?” There was a low coo to his voice.
The stallion barked. “Yeah right! I'd give you it for free if you could promise the removal of that stupid beast haunting the waters leading there! Do you have any idea how much business I'd rake in if that thing were gone!? You're from Abyssinia so you should know. The Watcher is a Celestia damned nightmare for us!”
Gentler grinned from ear to ear and hunkered down a bit. “I like what you're saying,” he purred. “We have business in Abyssinia. I'm going home. So we need your help to get there. We'll take care of the Watcher, you just give us a boat in return. Sound good?”
The stallion shook his head. “Fine. But I also want an autograph from the Spiral. It'll sell for a lot, and either way it'll make for a great memento if you guys do manage to kill it.” He paused, then lifted an eyebrow. “You guys really going right away huh?”
Gentler nodded, flexing his fingers. “Right away,” he confirmed. “I'm sorry but I never caught your name sir, what was it again?”
“Pierre Till. Who are you three? The DJ mentioned an entourage helped Spiral with the desert but no names were ever given.”
Fear was hyperventilating.
Gentler reached back and kicked him to calm him down. “I'm the Amazing Stoic.” He gestured to Faith. “This is the Preacher.” Then he motioned to Acrid. “This is the Earth Bending Ancient.”
Pierre was a little confused for a moment, just staring at the others and their strange names. “Odd names, but certainly good enough to get on the radio. Whew. I might have to send a scavver to Tenpony Tower or something with this information. I'm sure it'd be incredibly useful. Now. About my autograph?”
Gentler glanced back behind him. Then to Pierre. “We're probably going to need a little while. He has a few hang ups to get over. It's not every day you find out you're a hero because you rarely listen to the radio.” His voice was gentle, charming. “You should get the ship ready while we get the Spiral up and at 'em. Sound good?”
Pierre nodded. “Fine with me. Just make sure he hurries up. From the sounds of it you four don't have all night.”
Gentler stood up and looked down at Fear, cracking his knuckles again beneath the gauntlets, his lemon eyes shimmering. “Well aren't you full of surprises Fear?” He stated as the door closed behind them.
==========================================================================================
Fear was not used to giving out autographs. No, he was not, not in the slightest. Like all things in his life, he'd done his best though. Even if he didn't think he deserved it, his own thoughts about himself didn't mean that someone who genuinely wanted it should get a half-assed, slipshod iteration of his name on a piece of paper. So he'd gone the full few miles. 'Marvelous Spiral' in his best hornwriting overlaid a bubble of his jagged cutiemark, emitting little rays of light. Fear was the type of pony to do nearly everything with all his heart, and that included making ponies happy, however wrong about it they were.
He just wished he could calm his fucking nerves now as they headed to a nearby apartment complex to wait the half a night it'd take to get a boat up and running. Doing things on such short notice was a pain in the ass sometimes, but if you wanted the best you had to take what you could get.
In the apartment complex, the other three were in the other room laughing about how adorably Fear had reacted to being called the Marvelous Spiral and trying to think of ways to get him to go through it again, while Fear busied himself in another room calling upon Discord. Some things still bothered him, and it was primarily because he'd just been called a hero in front of his squad. Not only that, but they'd gotten the short end of the stick. If he ever went to Tenpony Tower he was going to set the record straight about his own past, and about his family. Tell the real stories, no matter how unbelievable they were. Give credit where credit was due.
It started with a whisper. “Discord? You there?” It was frustrating that his family seemed okay with the fact that he was a hero in the eyes of others now. Shouldn't they want that fame for themselves? That made the most sense. He'd always wanted to be famous, but now that he had it... he didn't deserve it. He couldn't be happy with it.
Discord's presence appeared on Fear's radar. It was thick but not oppressive. Constantly shifting and transforming. It felt more like the air of a circus than the air of a demigod. It seeped into everything, got into his hooves. It was sticky. The sheer presence on Discord in reality was far stronger than in dream.
Except there was no body.
All Fear heard was a voice in his head. “Calling upon me again hm? I'm not going to lie, I half expected you to be calling on me to give you gasoline for the trip.”
Fear sat down on his haunches against a bed and rubbed his temples with his hooves. I doubt you'd help me with it anyway. You seem to be on a very help-as-little-as-possible route. And I'm not sure why. You say you're helping, but I don't really see it. You just seem to be encouraging more than anything.
The voice in Fear's head took mock offense to that. “You're not looking at the big picture. I am of course helping. It is because of me that there is enough fuel for the boats that Pierre can find. It is because of me that there's still a reason for ponies to go out into the bay, and the ability to do so. It is dangerous, but there will always be daredevils out there who wish to accomplish the impossible to make a living. I am just quietly doing subtle chess movements in the background while I look for the ponies necessary to accomplish a much... broader mission.”
Fear narrowed his eyes, cocking his head to the side and contemplating Discord's words. So he was looking for specific ponies? A thought occurred to him, but he would not reveal his hoof. It was unlikely, but that was the best answer to why Discord needed him. It made no sense anyway. Could there be new ponies to wield those? How would it even help? A way to save the wasteland hm? There were pieces missing. What so you've been planning this since day one? Ever since you got out?
“Relatively,” Discord answered softly. “Someone had to connect the two nations, however temporarily, even if Panthera uses their navy to protect themselves from potential raiders after it all.”
There's something you're not telling me. There's a reason you chose this out of all the possible routes to keep maintained.
There was silence for awhile. It spread for an eternity and Fear wasn't sure Discord would ever speak again. If it wasn't for his presence, he'd daresay the draconequus had left. “I suppose I can tell you that much. In order to cultivate friendship, one must be able to see many sights and hear many sounds. Meet many creatures, and learn how to either solve issues, or accept what cannot be changed. It is the same way your Fearshatter spell works. For friendship to form, there must be strong connections, strong epiphanies. Powerful lessons. Without these lessons, we are no stronger than a foal, a nymph, a whelp, a kitten, or any other baby creature. Do you understand?”
Pressing his hooves against his eyes, certain he knew where all this was going, but without proof to make sense of it, Fear responded. Just how do you know all of this? How do you know what's going to happen, Discord? Do you have a connection to the Seer's Eye or the Crystal Heart? Wasn't that destroyed after the war?
Another long silence. Considering his words carefully. Discord could tell Fear was catching on. “I'm a master manipulator Fear. There may be those who are impossible to change without magical means, but otherwise everyone has their motivations, and their weak points. You'd do well to keep that in mind as you grow older.”
But why me? Certainly there were far more worthy ponies for whatever you have planned.
“Worthiness has nothing to do with it. Growth is the law of the land, whether you're changing, or you're changing the world around you. Chrono Corona, your sister, or so many other ponies were just as likely to be in your place in this moment. Maybe not exactly here, but you get the point. You've wracked up quite the resume, Marvelous Spiral. If you keep this up you'll see it bear fruit. I told you by the end of this, if you make it to the end, you'll see you're not the imposter you believed yourself to be. Just have a little faith.” Discord's speech ended there. But Fear didn't let him disappear.
Chrono? How long have you been following me?
“Ever since that wicked stallion was killed by your hoof. I'd been following him for awhile, considering how to get him to change himself. There are various renditions of our little play, as you know Fear. Differences in how events play out, how goals are achieved, and times where others get a chance to have their own level of importance. You just happened to catch my eye, is all.”
Fear huffed. Yeah, but there must've been a reason you considered me able to take this role, whatever it is you have planned.
“I don't know what it was about you, Marvelous Spiral. Maybe it was the fact you'd just learned something important, that you saw fit to talk to your mother about your feelings. Maybe it was the modesty I could hear in your voice. I just happened to come across you. Nothing more. In life all we have is luck. That's all this was.” Discord finished with a flair of his voice. “Now. Your family is coming in to talk to you about a new experience. I would recommend taking them up on the offer. It's not every day you get to try new things.”
Discord... Fear murmured uncertainly in his mind.
“Now. Tah-tah. And try to get used to your new title. It's clear it makes you uncomfortable. I see that look on your face every time I use it. The way you cringe.” And with that Discord's presence faded. Fear knew he was still there, but was taking his leave for now.
Is he truly dispersing himself everywhere? Just focusing on me? Is he focusing on anyone else? I hope so. There are still a lot of questions. I'm not sure I have answers to all of them, just theories. But I suppose that's how it must remain. How much does he know?
And with that there was a knock on the door. It was Gentler, Fear could feel.
“You calmed down now, Spiral?” The cat teased.
Fear shot back readily, finally in control of himself. “You know it's Nightlight right? That's my real nickname.”
“Pah! It's definitely Marvelous Spiral now!” Faith called out.
Fear squeezed his eyes shut, unable to help grinning. “Fine. I guess it's Spiral. For now. But you guys can stick with Nightlight okay? That's what I am. That's what my Mom called me.”
Faith moved in and swept a hoof through Fear's mane, smooching him on the forehead. “Fine. But you should really learn to handle your fame better.”
“I shouldn't even be famous. I don't do it for the fame.”
Acrid huffed, leaning on the doorway. “It's how you deal with your fame that defines you, Fear. Don't let it go to your head and you're fine.”
“Doesn't matter. We're going to Abyssinia soon,” Fear responded, “and no one will know me there for sure.”
Gentler's legs and arms were crossed over each other. “Don't be too sure about that Fear. Your stories will spread eventually.”
Fear knew that intent. That was the intent Gentler got whenever he was going to tell stories. “You wouldn't dare.”
Gentler leaned forward and booped Fear on the snout. “Oh I dare.”
The paw pressing into Fear like a button caused his snout to wrinkle up, his eyes crossing over. He took a couple steps back, his chest spasming as he breathed in a couple times, eyes rolling into the back of his head. He leaned back, and jerked forward letting out a little pixie sneeze as his hooves crossed over each other, eyes squeezed shut.
“D'aww that was so incredibly adorable!” Faith chortled.
“Wow, so that's everyone's new hero huh? Unable to handle a little snoot boop?”
Fear rubbed his snout with a hoof, trying to get the feeling to go away. “Gentler! Stop it!” A whine tinged his voice.
“Anyways, we're not here to tease you Fear. We're here to offer you and Acrid a chance to try something new. Faith's already done it, so have I. You remember how Pep told you to try new things right?”
Fear shook his head a few times, still rubbing off his muzzle. “Yeah, why?” Uncertainty tainted his tone. Then it occurred to him. “What's the drug?”
“Nymph,” Gentler stated. “The pharmacist had some Gumdrop too but I figured psilocybin wasn't strong enough for a first time.”
“Strong enough for a first time? You want me to trip my brains out?” Fear took a step forward, his mouth opening up wide to emphasize the words.
Gentler just smirked, his ears twisting. “Faith and I will be here to make sure you both don't have a bad trip. After some convincing, Acrid's already agreed.”
Acrid spoke up. “I wasn't sure at first because drugs were usually looked down on back during the war in Equestria. ...Unless you were a soldier, and even then it wasn't... great. But a little recreation never hurt anyone. Life as I knew it isn't around anymore. Might as well live a little, y'know?”
Fear glanced to Acrid and flicked his ears, frowning slightly. “I... suppose. Alright. You sure you got us covered if it's a bad trip?”
Gentler nodded once, curtly. “Yep.”
Faith lifted a hoof and bobbed her head too. “Indeed, Fear. We won't let anything bad happen to you two.”
Gentler pulled out a pair of LSD capsules, tossing one to Fear, who grabbed his in his magic. Acrid reached out with a hoof to grab his.
Fear stared down at his pill, then looked up to watch Acrid ingest his. After a moment he looked down. I guess this is a good idea. Maybe I'll like it. Maybe I'll have a good trip. Maybe it won't be all nightmare creatures from all my trauma? What is acid like anyway? Fear popped the pill in his mouth and swallowed. This is it, don't get scared now.
The squad conversed for awhile, talking about what they might see, what they might hear, overall just the whole experience to get them prepped for the sensation of tripping balls. Fear's heart was hammering. Acrid was calm. It took awhile but Acrid was the first to go under, his pupils dilating and seeming far away, occasionally moving, however little.
Gentler commented, arms crossed. “Huh, that pharmacist knew her stuff. Laced the Nymph with muscle relaxants to keep movement to a minimum.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpmyMdA1jgs
Fear was the next to undergo the process. As he stared at his friend suddenly everything was wibbly wobbly, his eyes darting around looking at everything. There was a sense of vertigo, everything seeming distant, like he was extremely high up even though he was barely inches off the ground. He stared down at the floor, wobbled a bit, his muscles having a hard time responding. His jaw hung open. He looked up, and suddenly there were infinite Grandpa Jacks wandering around the room doing various things. One was staring into a wastebasket, another was jumping up and down on the bed, one hung from the ceiling light. There were Jacks wandering around Fear in circles. And others were in the walls with their heads poking out. All of them spoke at once, the words echoing and reverberating across everything. Fear fell back against his haunches, drooling freely as he listened to the cacophony.
“Dear diary,” Jack's voice sounded out, their lips moving but not seeming to match the words. “Got super high with my little Gumdrop and talked to a pumpkin. Turns out I can make them grow massive, crazy high, just like me. Jack out!” And suddenly the ones in the walls receded while the necks of those walking around Fear like hieroglyphs snapped backward, then twisted around in whirling circles, flowing into all the colors of the rainbow, the Jack's hanging out doing random things floating around as if in water, swimming around.
Fear fell down onto his back and groaned, his pupils far surpassing his irises.
The figures coiled around him, looking down at him. The world spun. The ceiling light lens flared. It was so bright. Suddenly Fear was zooming through a tunnel into outer space, able to see stars and so many other things, nebulas surrounding him, black holes in the distance. His eyes lidded. He was cast out into the vastness of space. There wasn't quite any panic to him. It felt more relaxing than anything even though he knew he should be concerned. Space around him twisted at dizzying speeds, stars melting into each other, moons and planets orbiting around him like he was a sun. Then surreally the celestial bodies morphed and seeped into dancing cans of food with stick arms and legs. Laughing pies waltzed around him in a circle. Singing pumpkins soared overhead through space.
“Feeeeeear.” One pumpkin called out to him.
“You must save us Feeeeeear” another continued.
“You must rescue the pumpking!” One more finished.
The chorus of pumpkins continued and Fear squeezed his eyes shut, but they were still there, on the inside of his eyelids. Scouring through space and time. Slices of pumpkin pie slid off their plates and eddied around him, ebbing and flowing, contracting and repelling. They formed eyes on the meat and blinked at him. One reached out a hand to grab his hoof. Fear reached up with a hoof to join, and was suddenly taken on a magical journey across a land of sunshine and rainbows, riding inside a pumpkin carriage like a princess, watching fields of flowers pass him by, under a blanket of night sky.
Fear was headed toward a castle in the distance. Everything felt slow as molasses, and Fear's body blurred in front of him as he tried to move. He was led through corridor after corridor, twisting and spiraling around him, before settling into place. Then the next second he was descending into the glorious depths of the castle, down... up? Into the tower that touched the moon. Fear looked out the window of this new tower, like he was being guarded by a dragon.
And saw Amelio on the face of the moon.
Amelio's face looked down at him and mouthed some words that he couldn't make out.
After awhile the sound cascaded down over him. “Fear what are you doing sitting around? You have a job to do!”
Fear blinked a few times, cocking his head to the side. Suddenly he was flying out through the window, soaring through the clouds. The wisps of cotton candy brushed against his body, and soon enough his body was tearing at rapid speeds over them, heading to a giant mountain in the distance. Wind pushed back against him and he felt like he was going to throw up.
At the mouth of the cave Fear alighted on a cliff, and was sliding across like a conveyor belt into the caverns deep inside. Fear lifted a hoof to protect himself from the incoming wall, but he passed right through it and was in a bigger, larger expanse that gave him a headache to think about. It stretched forever. And in the middle of it was his mother, or a figure like her. She had no soul presence.
Fear stared blankly at her as her body moved sluggishly toward him, occasionally glitching out like the Surreal, twisting around, and stuttering. She stopped next to him and stared. She felt so real, even if she wasn't real at all. He knew this figment. She was familiar.
“You recognize me?”
Fear's voice was a low drawl due to the difficulty in speaking. “Of course I do. You were with me for years.”
Storm brought her forelegs together, her smile creeping into closed eyes as she leaned her head to the side. “I'm glad.”
It wasn't exactly his mother. It was something else. But she gave him a sense of calm. It was an altogether different entity.
“I thank you for keeping me in your life as long as you did. And while I can't always be there for you anymore Fear, a small part of me will always give you strength and protect you, just like in the past. Just like your mother.”
Fear felt nauseous again, violently so. His face turned green.
“You and I both know I needed you more than you needed me, but I can still be of use. Thank you for visiting me.”
And then she sang a song. Her voice was familiar. His body phased through her but her voice caressed his mind.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4rW48BbB-Y
It wasn't the exact same song as the one his mother sang to him on the cusp of the afterlife... something was different about it. Different for a different entity. It had been less his mother and more a splinter of her and himself. Both of them at once.
Soon enough he was gliding across the exoverse, strings of gossamer surrounding him, stretching into the void like roots or streams. Fear looked around wildly, seeing something in the distance. A giant machine that stretched into infinity above itself, with six cushions surrounding it, vague silhouettes of artifacts placed atop them.
“Death is just a temporary evolution into something more.”
Fear recognized that voice. It was the same one he'd heard in the Exoverse years ago. His breathing was heavy, nearly hyperventilating. The words made sense as his body slid along nothing and everything, trailing over timelines that he could've sworn he could see into, the taint of the Seer's Eye powerful in that one moment. I have evolved, just a bit, through my struggles, deaths, and failures.
While Fear was busy riding out his acid trip, Gentler and Faith watched as the young stallion constantly shifted, transforming in various ways, his hooves sharpening, ears elongating, tongue forking, sometimes becoming blocky, irises and the entirety of his fur changing color in segments. Things grew out, shedded off, then was replaced. His body always morphing in strange ways from the stimulation to his brain, drooling all over the floor.
Acrid though was having a less stellar experience. Seeing zombie versions of your parents among many other things was unpleasant in the best of times.
==========================================================================================
As the group set off in the S.S. Dingy, Fear rested in the cabin of the metal and wood ship, made up of just an entryway, a hallway, and a few different rooms. He was in one of those rooms with his family's gear overlaid each other. While the rest were saying farewell to Pierre, Fear couldn't – too shy at the moment. The signature had taken all the courage he had out of him. At the moment all he could bring himself to do was dwell on the differences between his and Acrid's trips. Whereas Fear's had been happy and euphoric even if a little concerning because of how vivid it was, Acrid's had been terrifying, paranoid, heart wrenching, and sweat inducing. Poor stallion had a lot of hangups still it seemed. Fear wasn't sure what they were, what he could even have bothering him other than maybe that...
Hint of admiration.
Whatever.
Fear curled up around himself, as they got ready to set off. He didn't want to be on deck where all the irradiated and tainted water was. He'd come out once they were in... moderately fresh seas. Something bothered him though. The trip had been enlightening. Who was that figure of his mother deep inside of him? I'd known her at the time but now I can't place my hoof on it. Hmm. So Fear did the only thing he could do, ask the one who'd recommended he try it.
“Discord?”
Again that vague, chaotic presence was back. A little cloying, sticky on the mind. Humid. “Yes, Fear?”
Fear grinned from ear to ear as he leaned his head on a hoof while laying down.
“Before you even dare think it, I am not at your beck and call.”
Yes, yes. Fear responded. I know. If you were you would've been helping us with all these trials. He pushed his hooves together in front of him, laying on his side. How did you know I'd have that experience?
“I didn't,” Discord responded with more simplicity than Fear was comfortable with.
Fear's brows furrowed a little, muzzle screwing up. That was weird. Doesn't feel like he's lying or sending me false signals...
“That's because I'm not, little colt.” Discord's mind settled down next to Fear, and while he could not feel an actual body, he felt a change in air pressure next to his stomach as if something had curled up next to him.
Huh. Then why'd you recommend it? It can't be that simple right?
“It is that simple Fear. I just felt you needed a few new experiences under your belt. Though I won't say I didn't not expect you to encounter that figure from your past.” Discord mused, chuckling lowly.
What? How did you know about that? How can you know about what I saw during my acid trip? Fear was confused, so much so it showed on his dazzled face.
“You're the clever one, you figure it out. Besides, you're far more enticing when you're finding answers for yourself, taking care of your own problems.” Discord was infuriatingly arrogant in that moment. Yet Fear also knew what he meant... he found himself attractive when he was relying on his own power too.
It was nice to rely on others, but something about seeing how he could do something on his own was... refreshing. If I had to guess... I'd say chaos magic. But specifically... you can see inside the minds of others, which would explain why you're such a potent manipulator.
“Ding ding ding! Correct! Minds are inherently full of chaos, and I am chaos' demigod. If anything, brains are true order and disorder incarnate. It has rules, but you cannot always predict it. I just latch onto those more... chaotic things.” Fear was certain Discord was twirling a paw in his mind's eye.
So... who was that figure I saw? Unless you want me to tell you? Fear smirked stupidly at nothing and everything.
“I do indeed. This is your journey Fear. I am only here as a stepping stool. You can do this yourself.”
Hmm... well she felt like a splinter of both myself and my mother. Like something was leftover from her death, but I manifested her. I don't know the name for anything like that, but I'm sure she's a creation of my mind, using whatever remained from her. Fear's thoughts were a little rambly.
“Close. Discuss it with Princess Luna later and she'll give you the exact answer.”
What? Not going to be the one?
Discord hummed. “Little Loony's expertise on the matter is far more elaborate. Our fields may overlap, but nonetheless. The time will come.”
Anyone ever tell you you're childishly cryptic? Fear wondered, nearly speaking aloud.
“If I helped everyone fully to the best of my ability the world would be no fun, Fear! You know that well enough. If you know everything that's going to happen then the joy in life is lost.” Discord's voice was exuberant, that of an excited teacher.
Hmm... I guess. I know where you're coming from. Especially after my recent musings. It does seem rather unfair for the one the most in the know to be assisting to that level. Fear's inner voice became a murmur.
“However, I can at least tell you one thing, due to the fact you won't ever be finding information on it yourself.” Discord's voice was teasing.
Oh? What's that? Genuine curiosity.
“The Watcher, as the ponies down here so call it, is actually known as the Overvalkying. It is a Pegasus creation meant to attack outgoing ships, though not incoming, to prevent Equestria from tainting outside civilizations. The Enclave may be high and mighty up there in their little clouds, where they keep all their current military masses, but they are not ones to interfere in others coming to help here.”
Huh. While that sounds almost... noble. I'm sure the only reason for that is due to them not having the resources to spare. I don't know how they get what they do above the clouds, but I have theories. It only makes sense that they cloud farm and such. Or that they've been trading with other nations.
“Once again you show your cleverness with flying colors!” Discord nearly shouted in his brain.
Fear nickered. You really get a sadistic pleasure out of your machinations, don't you?
Discord guffawed. “Things are more interesting when you don't know how they're going to end, and you've already surprised me before. Like I've said before.”
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Meditating with Shaybna now and then had become a kind of ritual over the preceding days. She was a good source of wisdom, having the age of the rocks she was made from. It was strange, talking in small part to the world itself and multiple pony's personalities merged into one. Shaybna was her own entity, just made up of many smaller parts.
“It sounds as if you have a long road ahead of you, Fear. With your friend Acrid showing his feelings toward you more and more, even if not acting on them... with your final journeys to Abyssinia and the Frozen North. You certainly don't have your work cut out for you.” Shaybna's voice was calm, succinct, melodical. Almost like Zecora's, if Fear had ever met her.
“I don't know what to do about Acrid's... love. It's taking me all I have just to admit that's the direction this is going. The fact that I feel some admiration toward him too is perturbing.” Concern was etched into Fear's voice.
“I recommend, Fear, that you just embrace it for what it is. If the future that terrorizes you in the night comes, then you deal with it at that point. Not before. Either way, I will be with you to the end.” The masked figure before him nodded sweetly.
“I suppose. I don't know.” Fear murmured, a hoof against his chin.
“By the way, regarding your journey.”
“Hm?”
Shaybna continued. “Even if we do manage to kill the Overvalkying, the pegasi may make a new one, or start setting up patrols.”
Fear scoffed, batting a hoof. “That's fine. We'll just knock them out and take their armor. Or something. I don't know. Either way it's not a huge deal.”
Shaybna was visibly impressed, even if it couldn't be seen under the mask, and only reflected back Fear's emotions. However momentary the confidence, however faux, it was inspiring.
Fear could tell his sword was surprised. “Fake it til you make it right?” Fear cracked a huge smile and swept a hoof through his mane.
That's when Fear started feeling a tap tap tap against his shoulder. “Hang on Shaybna. Someone's trying to get my attention.”
“Take all the time you need Fear.” Shaybna replied simply.
Fear pulled himself out of the void, out of the sword, out of the trance, and shook his head wildly with a dazed expression. And immediately noticed Acrid.
“Uh. Hey. Fear?” Acrid sounded awkward and out of place.
“Uh, yeah?” Fear replied dumbly, his eyes wide, jaw hanging. His heart locked up, thinking he knew where this was going, jaw snapping shut.
“I just wanted to apologize for how I've been treating you lately. You may've done some bad things in the past but that doesn't erase the good you've done in the present. I'm sure you've done all you can to make up for it and I just wanted to say I'm proud to call you a friend.”
Fear shrugged a shoulder nonchalantly, Discord rubbing off on him a bit. “Eh, it's fine. Thank you Acrid.” His heart began beating again, feeling relaxed. “We don't have time to get hung up on all the small things we've experienced in the past. All we can do is focus on the here and now. I'm sorry that acid trip brought up such bad memories and scenarios for you.”
Acrid wore a tentative smile, his eyebrows leaning outward. “Yeah, thanks Fear. To the future right?”
“To the future,” Fear responded back with a smile.