One Punch Mare
by Komponist
First published
Twilight forces Celestia to do a core part of her job again...
Twilight is fed up having to take care of every threat to Equestria.
Especially since she is way too smart NOT to notice the discrepancy between Celestia's so called 'defeats' and the actual power she knows her mentor possesses.
Therefore, Twilight decides to kick Celestia's royal butt (figuratively) into dealing with all the villains herself again.
After all, the Princess of Friendship deserves some vacation, too.
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This is not really a crossover (therefore no tag), nor a ponification.
But I honestly think, that Saitama and Celestia share at least one similarity... when she wants to, that is.
Warning: Contains obvious fanboying and an accurately powered Celestia 
---
Very special thanks to DracoBlair for his thorough help with many details!
Please visit his DeviantArt-page: https://www.deviantart.com/dracoblair
AND also very special thanks to EquestriaStories vor his opinion and constructive criticism!
Please visit his DeviantArt-page, too: https://www.deviantart.com/estories
(Also my sincere apologies to EStories for not putting this credit here right from the beginning 
)
The Talk
Canterlot Castle, its coziest room.
“Princess, we need to talk!” Twilight said, eyes narrow, slight pout on her lips.
Celestia blinked. Then she slowly sat down her tea cup.
“What is the matter, my student?”
“YOU!”
They stared at each other in silence.
After a few long seconds Celestia sighed.
“I’m sorry, Twilight. I will, of course, replace your birthday cake. As you know, I can’t help myself when it comes to…”
“NOT THAT!” groaned Twilight so loud that her words slightly reverberated within the room they were currently sitting in.
“Oh?” Celestia raised an eyebrow.
Twilight has to be VERY upset, she thought.
Usually she is too afraid of me to be this bold. Not that I want her to be afraid, of course!
“How else have I wronged you?” she asked carefully, her tone filled with the guilt a mother feels when she fails to buy the right toy for her foal.
Despite her smoldering anger, it took Twilight some courage and willpower to spill the beans.
She squinted her eyes, her cheeks puffed and her wings flared.
Then, with a sudden vocal burst…
“I’M NOT YOUR CLEANING LADY!!!”
Silence.
Huffing student.
Staring mentor.
Twilight took in some air. “Sorry, Princess. I needed to get that off my chest… for years!”
She adjusted herself in her seat. “Let me elaborate!”
She cleared her throat.
“Since you’ve sent me to Ponyville, Princess, you’ve let me and my friends handle every major threat to Equestria. And while I’m very thankful for the trust you put in us… it’s getting quite annoying.”
Celestia gulped ever so slightly. She knew this day would come. The day Twilight would call her out…
For the first time in their relationship, Twilight spoke to Celestia like a scolding teacher.
“Every time! Every single time, we have to clean up the mess! And by 'mess' I mean all the villains, catastrophes and the trouble they cause! Even though you don’t do… well... nothing, you certainly do very little! With all due respect, some of your critics call you ‘Uselesstia’! I’m not one of them, for the record.” - she added quickly.
Sweat was forming on Celestia’s forehead.
“But Twilight... after all these years… you should know how weak I am… um… d-don’t you remember my fight with Queen Chrysalis… uh… I was SO helpless… and um… all those other times… I got captured… oh woe is me! Even a… a Breezy could defeat me! Yes, right! A Breezy!”
Celestia chuckled. Too loud and too expressive.
“I’m the perfect example of a damsel in distress, tee hee…”
She grinned way too wide and far too awkward.
Twilight was silently looking at her with half lidded eyes. Celestia’s pupils wandered nervously from left to right.
Then, Twilight let out a long sigh.
“You really are not an actress.”
The young alicorn suddenly hauled a very old, treasure-chest-sized book onto the table.
“This is a record of all attacks on Equestria during your sole one-thousand-year rule.”
She opened the leathery cover to some random parchment page and read:
“Let’s see… year 147 of your rule, 20th of July… A horde of crimson Dragons was seen crossing the Equestrian border, roaring ‘Death to thee, Ponykind!’…
21st of July… no sign of said horde.”
Uh oh!, Celestia thought to herself.
Using her magic, Twilight flapped through all of the following pages.
“The crimson Dragons are never again mentioned in this record.”
She picked another random page.
“Year 562 of your rule, 2nd of October… The Great Old One Cthulhu is witnessed rising from the sea…”
Again, she magically flapped through all the following pages.
“Same here! Not a single mention afterwards!”
Celestia shifted in her seat, uneasiness all over her sweat covered face.
“Oh… um… I remember these incidents. The dragons and the Great Old One… just left! Yes, they left! Into space! Tee hee… The ponies keeping the record must have simply forgotten to write it down.”
Twilight didn’t know if she should smirk or frown.
“Is that so? Well, I have read through the whole record…”
(a fact that didn’t surprise Celestia in the slightest)
“…and there are literally thousands of examples like these! In fact, there is not even one calamity mentioned here that did NOT mysteriously vanish!”
Celestia grinned sheepishly.
“Space is… really vast!”
Twilight shut the oversized book with an angry jolt of her hooves.
“Please, Princess! Stop denying the truth!”
The little purple inquisitor put a hoof on the book.
“Even if we completely ignore this record, there are way too many contradictions! Equestria is surrounded by countless threats: Dragons, Griffons, Yaks, Storm Monkeys, Bronies, Minotaurs, Elder Things… the list goes on and on! Not to mention all the scary monsters and creatures WITHIN Equestria itself! Yet somehow… miraculously, I might say… not even a single village has been destroyed. Not a single pony got eaten by a terrible monstrosity. And no enemy army ever managed to conquer even a small part of the land. Countless unimaginable dangers around, but Equestria still stands, even after a thousand years. Seriously Princess, there is only one explanation how this could be the case under your rule and you know exactly what I’m talking about! It’s YOU!”
Twilight flung her forelegs in the air.
“You move the Sun EVERY day, for CELESTIA’S… pardon… YOUR SAKE! One has to be a fool to think you are weak!”
The young mare took a deep breath.
“Princess! Drop the act! …You aren’t good at it anyway.”
Celestia frowned and her ears dropped. She rubbed her foreleg and looked away.
“I’m sorry for lying to you. I will be honest from now on.”
Twilight became less tense. Her eyes went from narrowed to slightly sad.
“I’m… sorry, Princess… I’m just so frustrated. But why? Why didn’t you ever help us directly? You could have defeated every villain that’s ever threatened Equestria, yet you threw all the fights.”
Celestia looked into Twilight’s eyes.
“Because I wanted you to learn how to handle crises, how to be a leader and to push yourself beyond your limits. How are you going to grow as a pony, if I solve every major problem? And not just you. Your friends grew from these experiences, too.”
Twilight sighed.
“I know that already. But that’s not the whole truth, is it?”
Celestia closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.
“No… No, it isn’t.”
Twilight leaned closer, curiosity sparking in her eyes.
“Soooo… what is it then?”
Celestia looked around carefully. Then she leaned closer to Twilight.
Holding up a hoof beside her muzzle, she whispered:
“Constipation.”
Twilight pupils shrank to the size of pinpricks.
“WHAT?!”
She got angry again.
“Is this one of your jokes?!”
Celestia raised her hooves, signaling Twilight to calm down.
“Please hear me out!”
She cleared her throat.
“It has to do with the feeling of guilt. Whenever I defeat a foe by hurting them, it lays very heavily on my conscience. It keeps me from sleeping, it reduces my appetite and it causes me… well… constipation.”
Twilight stared at her in silence.
Celestia continued.
“Aside from being without Luna, this was my greatest ordeal during the last one thousand years. You must know, Twilight, I despise violence! I loathe it! Even if it’s justified in order to protect my ponies. I tried to use as little strength as possible in each fight, but still, it was always way too much…
Every time I severely hurt an enemy, it causes me about two weeks of constipation. And if I accidentally kill one, it lasts about a year!”
Twilight hasn’t been blinking for a minute now.
Celestia seemed to feel a bit embarrassed.
“I’ve spent so much time on the toilet, that some ponies started to mistake it for the throne. These ‘sittings’ were by far my most challenging fights.”
The painful memories caused Celestia to rub her buttocks with a hoof.
“So, when you and the other Element Bearers came into the picture, I selfishly took the opportunity to end my millennium of suffering by burdening you and your friends with the responsibility of defending the country. I’m very sorry for that, Twilight.”
After a few moments, Twilights confusion softened.
“I-I-It’s okay, Princess… You didn’t do it only because of that. But… why are there no records about your fights? Why are the threats mentioned, but not their defeats?”
Celestia sighed.
“That’s… another selfish decision of mine. I didn’t want ponies to see me as a monster, even though I am one. Whenever there were witnesses to my battles, I erased their memories with a spell. At least of the ones who were able to write.”
Twilight, with concern in her eyes, leaned over and put a hoof on Celestia’s foreleg.
“You are not a monster! If anything, you are a hero! You’ve been singlehoovedly defending Equestria for one thousand years, despite the pain it caused you!”
Celestia still looked sad, but smiled a little nonetheless.
“Thank you, Twilight. And I am also very grateful, that you will continue to take care of all the threats to Equestria.”
Twilight jerked back.
“What?! Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh no!” She shook her head in an almost playful manner.
“The whole POINT of this conversation is to get YOU to do your job again!”
Celestia’s pupils went small.
“B-B-But… But what about my bowels?! There is no spell in the world that helps with that!”
Twilight blew a raspberry.
“Pffft, have you ever met me?! I have thought up the perfect plan in the last five seconds, of course!”
Twilight hopped up from her seat and grabbed Celestia’s hoof with hers. She walked out of the room, while dragging Celestia behind, like a foal dragging its mother into a toy store.
“All you have to do is to learn some proper fighting techniques, so you have better control over your strength. Then you won’t severely hurt your enemies anymore! How hard can it be?”
Vastly underestimating the energy-output of the very Sun, the smiling young alicorn pulled her mentor towards the castle’s training room.
Celestia gulped and wearily glanced towards the next bathroom door.
***
Year 562 of Celestia’s sole rule.
2nd of October.
Celestia was tired and rubbing her temples.
It was always the same:
They come.
She tries talking to them.
Everything goes to Tartarus…
“BLUEARRGHHH AAAAAARRRRGHHH URRR BRAUGHGHAAAAAA!!!!!” Cthulhu, the Great Old One, argued, index finger held high.
“I see your point, Great Old One, but that hardly justifies the destruction of the world.” Celestia, a few centuries younger, responded to him.
“BRUUUUUAAAHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHRGHHHHH!!!” he eloquently expounded.
Celestia cocked an eyebrow.
“Excuse me, but I just don’t get how genocide counts as charity!”
Cthulhu has had enough of the stubborn little pony that was about a thousandth of his size.
He had been patient.
He had been reasonable.
But some creatures, he admitted to himself with an inner sigh, are just beyond common sense.
“OOOORRGGGHHHH THMRRRRR KUUUUURRRRRUUUUUHHH!!!”
(“Only death can cure fools!”)
His giant hand violently shot towards the alicorn.
Startled by the sudden attack, Celestia yelped.
“EEEEP!”
Shutting her eyes tightly and turning her head away, she lifted her right hoof and flung it towards the impending giant hand, only milliseconds away from her.
One should know, the Sun contains about 99.86 percent of the Solar System’s mass and produces an unfathomable amount of energy every second (for all readers across the Magic Mirror: About a million times more than all of human civilization consumes per year, i.e. a one-trillion-megaton bomb).
And one must also know, that Celestia was not just connected to the Sun.
She practically was the Sun.
She also didn’t only move it! Among other things, she was able to conduct and channel arbitrary amounts of energy from the great thermonuclear furnace. She was a part of it and it was equally a part of her.
The only problem was: How do you control so much power, when it starts leaking through you?
And right now, Celestia’s fist… pardon… Celestia’s hoof carried a teeny tiny fraction of said power within it.
And once it touched the palm of Cthulhu’s hand…
Well…
It became Chthulu’s former hand.
The rest of his arm didn’t fare any better. Neither did the rest of his body…
After a few seconds, Celestia, eyes still shut, head still turned away and right foreleg stretched in the opposite direction, dared to slowly open an eye and look carefully around.
“Oh dear…”
Cthulhu’s smoldering remains (the few there were) rained sporadically into the sea.
Celestia’s heart sunk, her bowels already starting to grumble.
She grimaced, thinking about the true fight that was about to come.
“This is going to be a long year…”
The Training
Present time.
“Twilight, do you really think it’s wise to do the training inside?” Celestia wearily asked.
Twilight regained her focus and cleared her throat.
“Well… Considering you just made a gigantic hole in the castle’s side… we really should move this somewhere else.”
The young alicorn’s idea for a little warm up (smacking a punching bag with as little force as possible) produced an unexpected result in the form of a now VERY clear view of Canterlot City.
Well, unexpected for Twilight at least.
One might ask why Celestia wouldn’t just use her magic.
Well, that had indeed been Twilight’s first suggestion, but Celestia reminded her that using normal magic, like levitation, was safe but not suitable for handling mighty foes.
On the other hoof, using the Sun’s power to fuel her magic would be strong enough to defeat every major villain but would also most likely incinerate the atmosphere…
The strength of a sun-powered hoof slap might still be an unpredictable weapon of mass destruction but at least it didn’t usually mean more than one or two new ravines. A dozen tops.
Hopefully, the training would reduce the damage.
In any case, Twilight agreed, that using the hooves was preferable to a blazing Armageddon.
But let’s get back to our story...
“Twilight, I already told you fifteen times that you should reconsider this whole thing.”
Celestia pointed at the humongous gaping hole.
“As much as this gym needed a proper window… I think this undertaking will turn out too costly. Now I’ll have to calm down the citizens of Canterlot.”
Twilight, who (luckily) had been standing further away, teleported in front of her mentor.
“J-Just a minor setback! Leave the collateral to me!”
She quickly summoned a quill and a piece of parchment, wrote some instructions on it and sent it magically away.
“I’m positive that Spike will do an excellent job!”
“Spike?! Why don’t you let me handle the issue? After all, I am the one responsible…”
“Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh no! I won’t let you off the hook that easily, Princess.”
Celestia’s ears dropped. Her hopes of getting away from the whole ordeal crumbled.
“Oh… You’ve got me.”
Darn it! For the second time today, one of my bluffs has been called out! Well, it IS Twilight Sparkle I'm dealing with here, one of the smartest ponies in existence. But with all that intelligence, why can't she see how futile and dangerous this endeavour is? She must have a lot of pent up anger because of all the struggles I've sent her through. For now, it might be better to play along for damage control and to not infuriate her any further. After all, I have certainly asked a lot of her...
The diarch sighed.
“I still have my doubts about this whole plan of yours, but fiiine... Where should we go?”
“How about the middle of the city?” a disembodied, snarky-nasal voice proposed.
Realizing immediately who it was, Twilight groaned.
“What are you doing here, Discord?”
With a flash of light, Discord, clothed in a training suit, appeared in the middle of the gym.
He was unusually muscular and was smugly lifting a huge dumbbell.
“Well, I was sensing some excellent chaos happening here! You don’t think I’m gonna miss out on that, Sparkles, do you?”
He looked at the hole, then at Celestia.
“What’s the matter, Celly? Taking out your anger on punching bags for being one for every villain?”
Celestia didn’t seem to care much about the remark, but Twilight grumpily turned to her mentor.
“See? That is exactly what I was talking about! You got defeated only one time and unfairly captured three times during your whole over-a-thousand-year life and now EVERY stupid meanie calls you weak!”
Discord huffed and swallowed his dumbbell. Then he turned to his normal form.
“Stupid? Me? Au contraire, dear Twilight! I am a genius! Do I have to remind you how I outwitted you all in the maze? Oooh, how embarrassing… for YOU! HAHAHAHA!!!”
He threw himself on the floor, laughing, with the floor growing a mouth to join in.
Twilight narrowed her eyes.
“Yeah, I do remember that time.”
Then she smirked suddenly.
“And then, Princess Celestia easily outwitted you, simply by sending me my Friendship Reports. It took a lot of foresight and insight to know that that would defeat you in the end. Not just anypony can pull that off!”
Discord angrily stared at her and scrunched his muzzle.
“T-That was just a lucky try! I’m much smarter than she is! There is absolutely NO doubt about that! I’m VERY intelligent!”
Twilight went smug.
“Well, it’s also a common characteristic of stupid creatures to think of themselves as very smart.”
Celestia, while not wanting to be mean to poor pouting Discord, couldn’t help but giggle slightly at the remark. This infuriated the Spirit of Chaos even more.
“OH, HOW FUNNY! HAW HAW HAW!!! You know what is funny to me, Celly? Your weakness! You think that hole impresses me? Don’t make me laugh! I can do that ten times as large! No big deal! But I have an even better idea!”
He snapped his talons and teleported himself and Celestia into the gym’s boxing ring.
Both were wearing a full boxing gear, when they appeared.
Discord lifted his boxing glove covered paw and claw up.
“You may have bested me in a battle of wits, but how about we finally have a direct confrontation? The last time you did something like that was with Chrysalis, as far as I know, and that didn’t turn out so well, did it?”
Something purple pulled itself up to the side of the ring.
“I wouldn’t try that, if I were you, Discord.” Twilight dryly said.
Ignoring the young alicorn, Discord threw a few fake punches in front of Celestia.
“C’mon, Celly! I’ll even let you hit first. Let’s see if you’ll still be laughing when I’m done with you!”
Celestia had a pleading look on her face.
“Discord, please! I don’t want to do this… Aren’t we friends now…?” said the princess unintentionally giving him puppy dog eyes.
“Oh, don’t even try to be Fluttershy! C’mon and fight! Do your best!”
“She’d better do her worst.” Twilight smugly remarked.
Discord leaned towards Celestia and pointed at his outstretched chin.
“Give me some, Celly!”
Celestia looked over at Twilight, unsure what to do.
Twilight smirked, a tiny, devilish glint in her eyes.
“He asked for it, Princess.”
Celestia gulped and turned back to Discord.
“O-O-Okay… if you really want it.”
She slowly lifted her right boxing glove covered hoof and closed her eyes shut.
***
Two seconds later.
Discord was in the gym’s corner.
…and the ceiling.
…and the walls.
…and all over the training equipment.
“I can’t feel my legs…” groaned what was left of his muzzle.
“We can’t feel you either” one of his legs responded from a distance.
Celestia was grimacing and holding her grumbling belly.
“Oooooooh, Twilight, that was a bad idea!”
***
Two weeks later.
The door to Celestia’s bathroom opened. The Princess sluggishly came out, head hung low and bags under her eyes.
Twilight was already waiting for her.
“You must admit, Princess, it was worth it!”
Celestia glared at her.
“Maybe for you! Ugh!”
Twilight grabbed her mentor by the hoof and pulled her away.
“No time for discussions! We need to continue your training! There’s a long-needed vacation I want to take and I won’t let some silly threat to the world interfere with it! Or better said: YOU won’t let it interfere with it!”
Celestia silently wailed.
“Ohhhh… has at least Discord recovered? I was feeling so sorry for him.”
“Partially… literally. You know he can pull himself together… even though I hid some parts.”
Further Training…
Author's Notes:
I want to thank all of you for all the likes and comments!
This success was really unexpected!
The dark side of the Moon was the ideal training ground.
...At least for this particular trainee.
No living being around to harm and zero possibility of being seen.
Aside from Luna, that is. She could have taken a look at any time if she knew what was going on, but considering how easily she gets upset when someone touches her stuff, Twilight decided not to tell her at all.
Speaking of which, Twilight was standing inside a magic bubble, which protected her from the extreme environment and suffocation by continuously recycling the air inside.
Celestia however, didn’t need such protection since she was, like Luna, naturally immune to the hazards of space. Oxygen was also not one of her needs. Still, no air meant no sound so the two ponies had to use a telepathic spell in order to speak.
The older Alicorn, acting on her past experience, had left her regalia at home. She didn’t want to burn through another set… literally. The trip itself had not been a problem either. Long Range Teleportation is an easy feat when you have two alicorns and only the emptiness of space between you and your destination.
The training has been going on for a few hours now, but the only achievement so far was that the lunar surface now had a lot more craters...
Twilight massaged her temples.
“Ugh! Okay, okay... one more time. And remember, Princess, only a wee bit of force! A WEE bit!”
“B-But that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time!”
Ignoring Celestia’s objections, Twilight magically launched another large moon rock towards her. Celestia closed her eyes and turned her head away.
She daintily swung her hoof and when it touched the impending rock, the piece of lunar rubble shot away from her…
…with about ten percent of the speed of light.
Immediately, it hit the surface somewhere far away, resulting in a nuclear blast, which in turn produced yet another large crater. Twilight wanted to let out a groan of frustration, but then she noticed something:
The craters that Celestia had produced varied in size to an extreme degree!
Some were 'just' about three hundred feet wide, while others were thrice the size of Canterlot.
Twilight pondered intensely about what the reason for such extreme fluctuations in power could be. If she found it, it would explain why some very strong enemies of Celestia got obliterated while some weaker enemies survived.
Maybe, she thought, it has to do with the lack of control…?
“Hmm...”
Twilight was rubbing her chin in thought.
“I might have an idea what the problem is.”
Celestia opened her eyes and looked at her with hope.
“Really?”
Twilight started to walk in circles to help gather her thoughts.
“Well, I’ve observed that every time you throw a punch, no matter how small, you close your eyes shut and avert your face.”
“Oh... um... that’s because I’m afraid about what I might see. And even if it’s just rocks: After a thousand years it has become a reflex.”
“Exactly! And since you avert your attention, you naturally have much less control over how much power you exert! That means if you start actually focusing on your punches, you should be able to keep your strength in check A LOT better!”
“But Twilight, even if I work off the reflex, I’m still afraid of the massacre that could happen in front of me!”
“Well, there won’t be any massacre, if you have control. And how do you get control? Through confidence!”
Using her magic, Twilight constructed a moon rock sculpture, faintly resembling Tirek.
Very VERY faintly… and after a moment of hesitation scribbled ‘Stinkhead’ on it with a hefty dose of satisfaction.
“Come on, Princess! Just punch this one with CONFIDENCE!”
The older alicorn was sceptical at first, but after thinking about what Twilight had said, she saw reason in the younger one’s argumentation. Hope sparked inside her.
Celestia ditched a chunk of her insecurity.
“You’re right, Twilight! I have faith in you, my former student and worthy current teacher!”
Flattered by the praise, Twilight blushed and snorted, waving a hoof dismissively.
“Oh youuuuu...! Tee hee hee! *snort-snort*”
Celestia turned towards the (fairly ugly) moon-rock-Tirek-sculpture and readied herself.
She took a deep breath…
(even though there was no air to suck in)
…and threw a confident punch at it.
This time, without closing her eyes or averting her face.
***
At Canterlot Castle.
With a yelp, Luna jerked up from her bed, her eyes wide.
She was confused, and looked behind her, down to her award-winning buttocks.
Rubbing it with a hoof, she asked her bottom:
“Why dost thou feel like a Manticore haveth bitten thee?”
***
When the blindingly bright flash had faded away, a gargantuan trench was visible in front of Celestia. From very far away, an observer might have thought, that someone had mistaken the Moon for a cookie and nibbled off a piece. Fortunately, it wasn’t visible from Equestria ...since about five percent of the Moon’s mass was gone and well on its way out of the Solar System.
Twilights mouth went agape, and were it not for the magic bubble, all the oxygen would have been violently sucked out of her lungs.
Celestia frowned.
Her eyes were big and watery and her under lip quivered.
“Ooooooh...”
Pouting, she looked over to her current teacher.
“Twilight, we have a problem! That’s one small slap for me, but one giant punch for the Moon’s behind...”
She sat down on a rock and rested her head on her hooves, pressing her cheeks up adorably.
“I really don’t know what to do… On one hoof, it would be unfair to keep burdening you with Equestria’s defense, but on the other… If I try defending it myself, I’ll spend most of my time on the ‘other throne’ again. And that’s still the best possible outcome! At worst, it could mean the end of the world!”
She hung her head low in desperation.
“There’s no bigger threat to Equestria than I and my incompetence.”
Twilight teleported Celestia into the bubble and lifted her face with a hoof to meet her eyes.
“Princess... please don’t say that. You’ve done so much good for Equestria without resorting to violence. You’re NOT incompetent! As for your combat skills… I’m certain we will achieve better results eventually. At least better than with your acting skills”
She tried to chuckle, failing miserably.
Oh Twilight... you are still young... You are putting me on a pedestal and you have so much confidence in me! Yet, I'm just a pony and there are things that are too much for me to handle. You'll have to learn to accept that...
However..
I have put MY trust in you so many times... I was confident you would accomplish the tasks I gave you and you almost always prevailed. I’ve trusted in you and you in turn have trusted my judgement. It would be very unfair to NOT trust yours. Haven't you proven yourself to me time and time again?
Twilight... I believe in you!
And if you really believe in me that much...
Celestia’s mood shifted a bit.
“You really think so? You think I can do it?”
“Of course!”
Twilight gave Celestia a heartfelt hug and stroked the back of her head. Celestia smiled lightly, enjoying the contact. But then suddenly, worry crept onto her face.
“But what will I tell Luna?! When she finds out about the damage, she’ll spend months giving me the stink eye!”
Twilight, realizing the issue too, became wide eyed. Then she chuckled nervously.
“Well... um... hee hee... What Luna doesn’t know, doesn’t... make her mad?”
She grinned sheepishly.
Celestia jerked back.
“But Twilight! I can’t lie to my beloved sister!”
“Just... leave the talking to me, Princess. After all, I’m quite skilled at lying.”
“You are?”
“See? If I weren’t, you would have noticed!”
“You've lied to me in the past?”
“Very much so.”
“H-huh?! B-But why?!”
“BECAUSE YOU CAN BE SO YOUDAMN SCARY SOMETIMES!!!”
***
That night, when Luna raised the Moon, a strange sensation caused her to cock an eyebrow.
“Is it just me, or has it become lighter...?”
After a few seconds of contemplation she suddenly flung her forelegs into the air and cheered:
“HUZZAH!!! WE HAVE BECOMMETH STRONGER!!!”
On Her Own
Sometime later.
“Okay, Princess, but ONLY if you are absolutely sure!”
“Twilight, I’m certain that I’m ready to be on my own for some time. After all, which of us is over one thousand years old? Besides, there’s nopony else who deserves this vacation more than you!”
Celestia, who still opted out of wearing her regalia due to the training, was pushing Twilight towards the open train door. Fortunately, there weren’t many ponies at the Canterlot station, otherwise the adorable scene would have been too embarrassing for poor Twilight. Before Celestia could shove her into the train, the younger alicorn put her hooves at the door’s sides in order to prevent being pushed inside. Not that she could have stopped the older alicorn, but nevertheless Celestia halted.
Twilight was visibly worried.
“But what if the training wasn’t enough?! What if something terrible happens and causes you to destroy the world?! What if you have to spend the next year on the toilet?!”
Celestia’s hoof covered Twilight’s snout, before the young alicorn could start hyperventilating. The older mare gave her a warm and calming smile.
“Don’t you worry, my little teacher! Your training has really helped me and I feel confident to face any threat that might lurk around us.”
Twilight calmed down a bit and smiled back.
“O-Okay, if you say so. But... there’s something I want to say...”
“What is it, my dear?”
“I… I’m sorry for being so pushy. I was frustrated, and… it doesn’t excuse me for being a meanie pants. I really respect and love you, Princess, and… and…”
She looked down and a tear ran down her cheek. Then, Celestia put her hoof under Twilight’s chin and lifted the young alicorn’s head to meet her motherly eyes.
“Everything is alright, Twilight. In fact, you did me a great service. From now on, I can be the protector Equestria needs! …Without having to worry about my bowel movement.”
Twilight smiled and pressed her face into Celestia’s soft chest while wrapping her forelegs around the white alicorn’s barrel. Celestia returned the hug lovingly.
“And now, dear Twilight, go and enjoy your vacation!”
“Okay, Princess.”
Twilight entered the train, turned around and waved at her mentor.
“Bye, Celestia!”
Celestia waved back and smiled contently.
“Bye bye!”
The doors closed and the train left the station. The two alicorns waved at each other as long they kept eye contact.
After the train was gone, however, Celestia’s mask fell…
The serene and motherly expression was replaced by an empty stare of desperation. She may not have been a good actress, but she had learned to hide her emotions when necessary. She was breathing heavily and sweat ran down her face. Her thoughts raced at a hundred miles per hour.
What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?!
Celestia had lied. The training, that had been going on for two months now, did not produce any satisfactory results. To be brutally honest: It didn't bear even the slightest fruit. None at all!
Well, neither Twilight, nor Celestia were at fault here. The whole undertaking was simply nigh impossible! Imagine trying to successfully carve an artistic masterpiece onto a dry corn flake using a needle without breaking the cereal…
And now imagine the needle to be the size of a tree trunk… while it sporadically spasms out of control, crushing the corn flake, the desk and the whole floor! Hopefully, this gives an idea what these two poor alicorns were dealing with.
Keeping Twilight around had not been an option. The young mare really needed some time for herself if she were to not have a nervous breakdown. Twilight would have stayed longer, but Celestia couldn’t bear the thought of her friend descending into insanity ...again. Therefore, the princess had insisted to not postpone the vacation any longer.
But now she started to regret that decision...
This is bad! This is bad! This is bad!, Celestia thought.
If some villain shows up while Twilight is gone, what do I do?! If I call for her, I’ll ruin the poor girl’s vacation! And if I deal with it myself… oooooooh, it will mean long, painful sittings again…!
She was close to shedding tears.
“Your Highness?” one of the two Royal Guards, who had accompanied her to the train station, asked.
Celestia elegantly swirled around to face him, wearing the perfectly serene smiling mask again.
“Yes, my Subject?”
“Um… You have been standing there for five minutes now without moving a muscle. Is everything all right?”
“Of course! Would I ever lie to you?”
“Uh… Nopony was implying that, your Highness...”
“Right, Right…” A very tiny drop of sweat ran down her forehead. Luckily for her, there was no way the unicorn guard would be able to detect it.
The other guard, a dark grey Pegasus, had a less stoic expression. Actually, he looked a bit grumpy.
“Can we go back to the castle now, Princess?”
Celestia looked at him. Then, after a few seconds, she nodded.
“Soon, my little pony! But first… I would like to go for a walk.”
The Pegasus cocked an eyebrow. The unicorn merely nodded in acknowledgement.
“As you wish, your Highness!”
Celestia looked at him.
“You can go back to the castle, if you like. However…”
She looked at the Pegasus.
“For safety reasons, at least one of you should escort me. And since I’d also like to fly around a bit, you, my little Pegasus, should be the one.”
The Pegasus nodded.
“Fine, Princess. Where shall we go?”
“Oh, I thought of the Pastel Desert. The different colors are just so nice to watch!”
“But… won’t the flight there take hours?”
“Oh, don’t worry! There are other means of transportation.”
Suddenly, she put her foreleg around the Pegasus’ neck and with a flash of light, they were gone. The other guard stayed back dumbfounded.
Then he realized what his princess was probably up to…
He blushed, grinned like an idiot and pressed his cheeks with his hooves.
“OOOOH!!! The Princess is in love with him! They’re out on a date!”
The unicorn rolled on the ground, giggling like a school filly.
***
The Pastel Desert.
A wide landscape of shallow dunes, in a multitude of different hues.
And no sign of life anywhere near.
With a bright flash, Celestia and the Pegasus guard appeared in the middle of this desert. The princess walked a few steps away from him, facing the opposite direction.
“You may not be as bad as me… but at least from a Changeling, I would expect a far better acting performance.”
Behind her, the Pegasus was suddenly enveloped in green flames, which, once they disappeared, revealed the familiar form of her old foe, Queen Chrysalis.
“How did you know?” she asked snarling.
Celestia turned around to face her. Her expression was as calm as usual.
“Well, if you had performed even the slightest of observations, you would have known, that all my Royal Guards keep a perfectly stoic expression in my presence. What they do when I’m not around is another story… Anyway, my guards would never be impatient or grumpy towards me.”
Chrysalis huffed condescendingly.
“That doesn’t matter anymore. You still walked foolishly into my trap.”
She smirked.
“I just would not have thought, that you would willingly face me alone!”
Celestia cocked an eyebrow.
“You really think you can take me on? The last time you were severely buffed on love. Is that the case now too?”
Chrysalis cackled darkly.
“Far better! I’ve spent a lot of time collecting love from everywhere around. And now…”
She suddenly activated her powers. A wind blast was emitted from her, carving through the dunes, while she herself was radiating a sickly green glow.
“…I am A LOT stronger than I was back at the wedding! You were once defeated by me! Another time you were captured by me! And now, that I’ve trapped you for the third time, you shall be also defeated for the third… and FINAL time!”
Celestia, who hadn’t even flinched at Chrysalis’ display of power, just looked at her with an empty expression.
“Ok.”
Chrysalis bore her fangs
“COME NOW! FIGHT ME!!!”
Like before, Celestia was able to keep a calm expression. But in reality, she was panicking! Her worst fear had come true much sooner than she would have expected. She wanted to scream, she wanted to wail, but a thousand years of experience and her wonder of a mind kept her from breaking down in despair right now and there. Instead, her brain quickly switched to diplomacy-mode...
Celestia sat down on her haunches.
“Yeah, about that…”
She summoned a small table, a kettle and two tea cups.
“Let’s talk for a moment.”
Chrysalis expression froze…
…for a whole minute.
Then, anger took over.
“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHH!!!”
Chrysalis fired a giant green beam of immense power at the alicorn. The explosion made the whole desert shift and the resulting mushroom cloud could be seen from the next border town.
When the smoke and dust had cleared, Celestia was still sitting there, although her whole front side was ash black and her mane and tail were bolt upright pointing behind her. Other than that, she didn’t seem bothered. The tea utensils were unscathhed, since Celestia had protected it with a shield spell.
She coughed lightly.
“Now that you have... ‘let off some steam’... would you please sit down with me?”
Chrysalis stared at her, mouth agape and one eye twitching.
“How...?”
With a quick and simple cleaning spell, Celestia made herself look proper again, and seeing that Chrysalis had difficulties processing the situation, she simply levitated the Queen over with her magic and sat her down in front of the little tea table.
Celestia, who was not near as cool on the inside as on the outside, failed a little at hiding her desperation. She took a deep and nervous breath…
“Okay, Chrys... from ruler to ruler: This is a really really really bad time for an attack! Could we please postpone this? Or solve it in some non-violent manner? I have... my reasons not to fight right now. Pretty pretty please, with sugar, cream and a cherry on top?”
She poured Chrysalis a cup of tea and offered it to her. Chrysalis had trouble accepting reality.
“Discord... is that you?”
Celestia shook her head.
“He’s still recovering.”
With her magic, the Princess moved Chrysalis’ hooves into a ‘holding position’ and placed the tea cup in them.
“Look, Chrysalis, we have known each other for a long time now...”
“We’ve... met like two times...”
“I stand corrected. Still... I cannot let Twilight Sparkle deal with you since she’s on a vacation, and if I do it myself... well, things would get ugly...”
She did not say that in a threatening tone. It was rather concerned, to be honest.
Chrysalis stood up, smashed her tea cup, and flung the whole table violently into the air.
“ARE YOU TRYING TO SCARE ME?! I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU!!! I’M FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH LOVE!!! I'VE EVEN DRAINED A WHOLE CARE-BEAR VILLAGE!!!”
Suddenly, Chrysalis started to transform, but not in the typical way a Changeling warps its appearance… She grew and her features became bulkier and more monstrous. At the end, she was ten times as big and was a horrific mutated Monster-Chrysalis, boiling with anger and bloodlust.
“STOP BEING A COWARD AND FIGHT ME!!! OR ELSE I’LL GO FROM TOWN TO TOWN MASSACRING YOUR PONIES!!!”
Again, Celestia just looked at her with an empty expression. This time, because her hopes had crumbled and desperation made her dead inside.
“Ok.”
Monster-Chrysalis roared.
“YOU HAVE ATTENDED YOUR LAST CREAM CAKE COMPETITION!!!”
Chrysalis launched her monstrous, hole-dotted hoof at Celestia, which sent the alicorn flying into a dune, with almost Sonic Rainboom speed.
Celestia however, didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, she was quite absent-minded. While the horrific Changeling-Behemoth continued pummeling her, she pondered:
Cream Cake Competition? That was oddly specific... Isn’t it in less than a month? Wait a minute... WAIT A MINUTE!!! Oh no! No no no no NO!!! The schedule was changed! That means... the delicious competition... I was looking forward to... was... YESTERDAY!!!
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Celestia wailed in agony.
She flung her hooves up in order to face palm, one of them accidently hitting Chrysalis...
The monstrous Changeling Queen was catapulted into the sky with astronomic levels of speed. So fast in fact, that the heat from the air friction caused her to glow.
Celestia, realizing what she had done, looked after her in silence.
“Oh no, not again... The poor thing won’t recover from that any time soon...”
Her underbelly grumbled.
Grimacing, she held it with a hoof.
“ME DAMMIT!!!”
***
Far away on a train, Twilight suddenly noticed something peculiar in the evening sky.
She gasped in glee.
“A Shooting Star!
...Wait a minute! Why is it going upwards?”
***
Later at Canterlot Castle.
The unicorn guard, who had previously accompanied Celestia to the train station, stood in front of the monarch’s bathroom door, worrying about his princess’ bowel movement.
“Your Highness… I may not be an expert about these kinds of problems… but have you considered using a plunger...?”
“SHUT UP!!!”
Author's Notes:
The Pastel Desert is a homage to this story:
/story/1001/the-first-light-of-dawn
Seeking Advice
More than two weeks later at Canterlot Castle.
“Celestia! My little Sun!” Starswirl the Bearded fondly greeted.
Celestia, with a genuine warm smile on her face, was filled with a wave of sweet nostalgia.
“Thank you for coming, wise Master!”
Starswirl, smiling with a grandfatherly expression, shook his head.
“You have now a thousand years of advantage over me. When I left you, you were but the learner; now you are the Master.”
Celestia shook her head in return.
“I wouldn’t be the pony I am now, weren’t it for you! Please, don’t sell yourself short, Starswirl.”
“Look who’s talking!” Starswirl chuckled.
Fond memories came to his mind.
“You have become so big! I still remember when you were small enough for me to pick you up!”
Celestia’s smile grew wider.
“Oh yes, I have a lot of happy mem-...”
“You were so ADORABLE!” he interrupted.
Like many old people, Starswirl couldn’t help but to squeeze her cheeks (her FACIAL cheeks, of course!).
If he had hands, he would have pinched them. Frankly, how can ANYONE withstand the temptation to squeeze and pinch two puffy wuffy pony cheeks, when they are so readily presented in front of them?
Celestia chuckled awkwardly and felt quite a bit embarrassed.
“Tee hee hee... Pweathe thtop thap, Thtarthwirl!”
She gently moved his hooves away with hers.
“Now, as for why I summoned you...”
She shifted in her seat and averted her eyes slightly.
“...You don’t happen to know a spell that helps with... constipation?”
Starswirl’s eyes went wide.
“By my beard, Celestia! There is not a single Wizard in the world who could ever even dream of unraveling the mysteries of the bowel! Didn't I teach you that?!”
Celestia closed her eyes and sighed.
“Yes, I knooow... It was just a faint hope that right now died.”
After a moment, she opened her eyes and looked at Starswirl again.
“Do you then happen to know a way how to properly control vast amounts of power?”
The old Master raised an eyebrow.
“How much power are we speaking of here?”
“The Sun.”
Again, Starswirl’s eyes went wide.
“I... *cough*… I’m afraid that’s equally impossible. It’s already hard enough to move it, let alone control its power!”
Celestia nodded, although with disappointment in her eyes.
“Mhm... I feared as much.”
“Why are you asking me such puzzling questions? It can’t be a silly reason, I know you that much.”
“Well, you will most likely remember my attitude towards exerting violence...”
“Oh? Even in over a thousand years that hasn’t changed?”
“If anything, it got worse. My sole rule was like Tartarus to me and once I had Twilight Sparkle, I finally got some rest. But now...
I can’t just ask her to use the Elements of Harmony all the time anymore. It is my turn again to defend the land. But the cost...”
She looked away, er lips were pressed together and tears started to run down her cheeks.
Starswirl levitated a handkerchief over to her face.
“Oh, my poor little Sun... You’ve made so many sacrifices and you still do. Just like when you were small.”
He dried her tears away.
“Have you tried talking to your foes?”
Celestia sniffled.
“I did. But most of the time they just won’t listen. It took me centuries to teach Ponykind the values of Friendship and Harmony. How can one expect each new villain to learn these things on the fly?”
Starswirl thought for a while.
“Well... The only advice I can give you, is to endure and keep learning about Friendship. One day you will be so proficient in it, that your talking just might suffice.”
Celestia lifted her head and smiled lightly, yet there was pain in her eyes.
“Yes... You’re right. All I can do, is go on and hope for the best.”
A Royal Guard suddenly entered the room.
“Your Highness, we have a situation! A group of Dragons is causing trouble in Canterlot Central Park and asking them kindly to stop doesn’t work! We are at our wit’s end!”
After grinding her teeth with enough pressure to create diamonds, the diarch slowly stood up with a painfully wide grin and a twitching eye, while chanting in a sarcastic sing-song voice:
“Speak of the deviiiiil!”
***
Outside, on one of the castle’s large balconies, Celestia and Starswirl could see a group of four huge Dragons, making themselves at home at Canterlot’s central park.
Celestia groaned after recognizing the apparent leader.
“Augh! That’s Torch! He’s such a plothole! Since he retired, he’s doing nothing but horse apples with his time!”
“Watch your language, young Lady!” Starswirl angrily scolded.
But when he noticed that the Dragons were ruining the grass with their giant feet, he dashed to the edge of the balcony, fuming, and yelled while violently swinging his clenched hoof:
“GET OFF THE LAWN, YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS!!!“
Not that they could hear him though.
Celestia, rubbing her temples intensely, left out a looong sigh and steeled herself for the upcoming ordeal of literally draconic proportions.
“Well... If life gives you lemons...”
She squinted her eyes.
“...squish them!”
With that she took off into the air.
***
Okay, Celestia. The Dragons are our allies now and Torch’s daughter is their Lord. You can certainly solve this in a diplomatic way. Then you ALSO won’t have to worry about so many ponies seeing you do... um… your thing.
Calmed by these thoughts, the Princess entered the park’s airspace.
The scene below her wasn’t exactly pleasant...Torch and his buddies of equal size were lazing around in the park, without any consideration for public property or other creatures, especially ponies.
Fortunately, nopony had been hurt so far.
At least physically... Many tears were shed over the loss of the open-air stage, that was scheduled for a Mime performance that day. The ducks in the ponds had fled in panic, never to return again. What were the elder ponies going to do with all the bread crumbs they’ve been saving? The playground had been ground into a giant hole by a humongous Dragon butt, leaving an even bigger hole in the hearts of all the little foals.
Celestia had to do her very, VERY best, to not immediately (and literally) explode in anger. She darted down, stopping in front of Torch’s face. The massive drake hardly noticed her and was scratching himself with an uprooted lamppost.
“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, TORCH?!!!”
she bellowed in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
Torch’s eyes lazily wandered over to her, his stupid smile not faltering.
“Oh, it’s you, Uselesstia!”
“ANSWER ME POSTHASTE!!!”
“Relax! Aren’t we friends now, little pony? And don’t friends share?”
“NOT BY RUINING IT FOR EVERYPONY ELSE!!! WHAT WILL EMBER SAY TO THIS?!!!”
“Well, Ember isn’t here right now, is she?”
“LEAVE!!! NOW!!!”
“I don’t feel like it.”
He turned to his three companions.
“Do you?”
“Nooooooo, duuuude!” they answered in unison.
Torch turned back to Celestia.
“See? There’s nothing I can do! Oh, excuse me! I meant: There’s nothing YOU can do!”
They all laughed like thunder.
The temperature around Celestia was dangerously high and caused the air to flicker. Her teeth and hooves were clenched.
“Don’t... make... me...!”
Torch wasn’t impressed.
“Or what? Will you spend the afternoon in a cocoon again?”
Remembering that there was a diplomatic way to handle this, Celestia swallowed her anger as best as she could, and put on a serene, neutral expression.
“Torch… I think you’ve misunderstood some fundamental concepts of Friendship. If you would just come with me to a less crowded place, we could calmly talk about…”
Torch wasn’t paying any attention to what she was saying but then he noticed something on the ground.
“OOOH! What do we have here?!”
A little foal with a lollipop the size of its head was standing close, staring in awe at the colossal lizard.
“Woooow... Dragons are so COOL!” the heart-meltingly cute foal said.
Suddenly, two of Torch’s gigantic claws rapidly picked the lollipop from the small hooves and delivered the piece of candy to his monstrous maw.
And naturally, the little foal started to cry.
Celestia’s expression remained neutral at first.
But then the forces inside her caused her eyes to bulge, her mouth line to go squiggly and she exhaled smoke…
With a few lightning-quick punches (one for each Dragon), she sent them flying on a ballistic course back to where they came from.
After that she calmed down a bit.
Celestia, still hovering in the air, held her poor grumbling belly. But this time, a smile crept on top of her grimace.
“Worth it! Ugh!”
Then she noticed something all around the park beneath her...
Countless ponies, there had to be thousands, were just staring at her, jaws dropped and not moving a muscle. At that one moment, Canterlot was the most silent place in the world.
Celestia didn’t move and just stared back.
After twenty seconds she lifted her hooves and smiled apologetically.
“I can explain...?”
Please Don’t Fear Me
Celestia glided down to the ground and placed herself on a spot surrounded by the staring, silent crowd.
Not even the wind blew.
“Oh dear...” Celestia quietly said to herself.
Attempting a memory-spell would have been futile, considering the sheer number of individuals present.
She rubbed her foreleg. Her ears were dropped and worry was all over her face.
“My loyal subjects... what you just had to witness... might seem scary... and I assure you it is. But... please don’t forget that it’s still me!”
No reaction.
Celestia gulped.
“Look, my little ponies... You know I love you all and that I would never harm you!
I... I just want to protect you! Even though... I’m not good at doing it in a harmless way. I’m very sorry about that!”
She looked nervously at all the staring faces, fearing the worst.
“Please believe me! I would NEVER harm you!”
Tears started to run down her cheeks.
“No matter how much you might hate me... No matter how inadequate I might seem to you as a ruler... Please at least believe me that I love you!”
Her composure was all but shattered.
“And please... Please don’t fear me!”
Celestia couldn’t talk anymore. Otherwise her words would have drowned in sobs.
Suddenly...
The crowd exploded in cheer!
Celestia stared at them in shock and looked around confused. There was not a single face NOT rejoicing.
A wave of overly excited ponies washed over her and shortly after she was lifted up and carried on many hooves. They threw her into the air and caught her again and again while chanting:
“CELESTIA! CELESTIA! CELESTIA!”,
“BEST PRINCESS EVAAAAAAAR!!!”,
“MY POOR PETUNIAS!!!”
among other cries.
“W-What?!” the puzzled alicorn asked.
She was put down on the ground and the crowd made way for a bunch of foals, looking at her with big, sparkling eyes. Before Celestia could utter even a word, she was stormed by the little foals, resulting in a cuddle puddle.
Dangling on her neck was the foal whose lollipop was stolen.
“You’re SO COOL! Much cooler than those meanie-Dragons!”
The child had a new lollipop in its hoof already and offered it to the Princess.
“It’s for you!”
Even though Celestia’s brain was one of the most capable in the realm (and beyond), it currently underperformed quite a bit. Instinctively, she daintily took the offered piece of candy in her magic, as if it were a rose.
“Uuuuh... Thank you... little one.”
She regained a bit of mental focus and cocking an eyebrow, she looked and asked around.
“A-Aren’t you afraid?”
An old mare came forth.
“Why should we, dear? You’ve always been protecting us. For as long as I’ve lived, at least.”
“But... I acted in rage...”
A young stallion came up beside Celestia.
“Don’t worry, Princess. We know how cool-headed you usually are. You know, you’ve always been cool, but now you’re even COOLER!”
The crowd cheered.
“LET’S HAVE A PARTY AND CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORY!!!”
Celestia cautiously allowed herself, to accept reality. At least for a bit...
Even though her eyes were still showing insecurity, she smiled lightly.
“Okay... If you really want to.”
Her belly grumbled and she grimaced.
“But first... excuse me for an hour or so...!”
***
The following week was free of agony, for once.
Actually... No, it wasn’t...
Celestia still had a terrible time on the toilet, but this time at least, since she didn’t feel all too guilty about those Dragons, it was only one week of constipation. And more importantly, this time there was something to be happy about! Her subjects LOVED her, despite being a walking doomsday device (that was how she saw herself, at least… and she wasn’t entirely wrong… ).
The Ponies of Equestria had always loved their Princess, but after Celestia’s display of dragon-bone-crushing power, instead of being loved less, her popularity EXPLODED.
The revenue from Celestia-merchandise grew tenfold, filling charity coffers at an unprecedented scale!
Stage plays were being performed, glorifying her victory over the Dragon-bullies.
Novels were written, over-dramatizing the events.
There was even a comic series with her as a superhero who beats up baddies, although it was placed in an alternate universe where Celestia is much less nice and thus kicks more plot.
For the diarch, the only important part was how relieved she felt. Never had she expected her subjects to accept her fearsome nature. Whenever she made a public appearance (the few times she was outside of the bathroom), she had to hold back tears of joy, seeing not just acceptance, but overwhelming adoration, often shown in form of flower bouquets.
The only concern she had was, how Luna would cope with all this. After all, the Princess of the Night’s jealousy was LEGENDARY (there’s even a holiday about that).
Thankfully, when (carefully) asked, Luna didn’t seem very bothered.
“Worry not, Sister! Some ponies had been calling you ‘weak’ and ‘incompetent’ over the last few years. It’s good, that you’ve finally showed them!” she said.
“Oh, and by the way: Do you have any idea, why the Moon has been feeling lighter lately? I thought, I had become stronger, but...
Sister...? Sister?!”
Celestia was nowhere to be seen.
***
The Princess of the Sun had retired for the day (a bit hastily though, since she’s just avoided an interrogation she just could not win). After she stopped panting, she exhaled in relief and walked over to the window. It was dark already and the countless lights of Canterlot were illuminating the city.
Some of the lights, constellations rather, were forming advertisement for the upcoming movie: ‘Punch of the Princess; The Beginning’. Celestia hadn’t approved a cinematic universe based on her, but nevertheless, it reminded her, that she didn’t had to worry anymore about being seen as a monster.
The Princess was at ease, even though the problems with her digestive system were far from solved.
She smiled and for a split second...
...she allowed a tiny spark of pride to thrive in her heart.
“DIBS!”
“Who is there?!” Celestia asked, looking around alarmed. There was nopony to be seen.
“I didn’t think, you’d feed me so soon again. Last time, I had to wait fifty years, until I got some delicious self pride again!”
Celestia recognized that voice and she knew now that it was coming from within her.
“You...”
“Over here...”
Celestia could hear the voice coming from her left. She turned around and faced the mirror.
Her reflection was replaced by her greatest foe: Daybreaker.
“You must admit... Finally exerting our true power and being cheered for it is... mildly flattering! …Although it was just a tiny fraction.”
She grinned widely, showing her razor-sharp teeth.
“Unlike you, however, I wouldn’t mind being called a ‘monster’. To be honest, I would never cease reminding them of it!”
She laughed in delight.
Celestia glared at the mare in the mirror.
“Well, good thing you showed up! It reminds me of never feeding you the slightest bit of pride again. I’ll be humbler from now on. You will remain buried in my mind, just like all those centuries before.”
“Let me tell you something that will not be buried in your mind: Are you aware that your little ponies love your power... and not you? They’ve always had! You’re only as good to them as the perks they get from you!”
It stung.
“T-That may be the case, but... I don’t need to be adored! I live to serve and protect them!”
Daybreaker smirked.
“Is that so...?”
“I wasted enough time with you! Begone!”
“Oh… Puh-lease don’t reject me like that! I’m a part of you after all.”
“Sadly, yes! And now back to the depths with you, or else…!”
Daybreaker sighed and shook her head.
“Do you really think, that after our last bout in Starlight’s dream, I would show up if there were the slightest chance of your victory?”
“What?”
The reflection disappeared and suddenly, a great pain took hold of Celestia’s heart. She fell to the floor and rolled around in agony.
A white glowing mist emerged from her chest and once it fully left her, Celestia lay limp. The mist formed the shape of a tall, slender mare and became denser and denser. Celestia, whose now slightly less colorful mane had stopped flowing, lifted her tired head as much as she could to look at the thing being born in front of her.
With a flash of light, the process was over...
Standing there was a naked mare who resembled Celestia almost entirely. Only her eyes, teeth and Cutie Mark were those of a demon. Her mane and tail were missing, but with a sudden hissing sound, flames ignited on her head and behind, taking the place of hair.
“Aaaaaah... it feels good to be alive!”
Celestia, although weak, stared at her in horror.
“How did you...?”
Daybreaker leaned down onto her.
“It was a spell that I’ve been slowly preparing for a thousand years! Over the centuries, I collected every little grain of pride I could get. And with you, it was REALLY hard getting enough. But now...”
She put a hoof under Celestia’s chin.
“...it was that little moment of self-doubt, that let me take over. You know how it is with pride: A mind is prone to it when it’s feeling inferior. It’ll jump at every opportunity to feel good about itself!”
She looked deep into Celestia’s eyes.
“I’ve always told you how powerful you are. And now all that power is MINE, while there’s NOTHING left for you. Finally, you won’t have to be afraid of being seen as a monster or only being loved for your power, because you’re like everypony else.”
She came so close that their noses were touching. Her grin was fiendish and her eyes half lidded.
“Isn’t it just... peachy?”
She jerked up and laughed.
“MUHAHAHAHA!!! SO LONG, WEAKLING!!!”
Instantly reaching the speed of sound, she shot through the ceiling, leaving a glowing hole, and into the night sky.
Celestia looked after her in terror.
“It’s all my fault...”
Do you think I’m weak?
Nighttime had fallen over Canterlot not long ago and the city was already shining with a myriad of little lights.
Doughnut Joe would never close his shop just because it was dark. This time of the day was probably the best for business since all the depressed but well-paying customers, who just want to drown their sorrows in dough and sugar, do not show up at daytime when their families are around.
Of course, this wasn’t without risk because customers who feel bad and are high on sugar can be aggravated by the smallest of things. Fortunately, he had recently hired an assistant who was surprisingly skilled at dealing with difficult guests. Right now she was throwing out a tall, bulky stallion who had a few doughnuts too much. And by throwing out I mean literally throwing him out.
“If you can’t behave, bring some insulin next time, Sugar-Junkie!” the awfully strong, purple mare shouted at the troublemaker after she had hauled him into a dumpster outside the shop.
She straightened her creased apron and returned into the shop.
“Seriously, Joe… How have you survived this long without me?”
Doughnut Joe shrugged.
“Well… A few years ago, it was enough threatening them with: ‘I’ll tell the Princess’.
But in recent times, after certain incidents… those jerks only laughed and said that since she couldn’t even defend herself how was she gonna defend me! …It really wasn’t easy doing business before I hired you.”
He looked at her.
“By the way, I’m still wondering, why you, with your strength and military experience, haven’t applied to the Royal Guard corps yet? Wouldn’t that suit you better, Fizzlepop?”
Fizzlepop Berrytwist, formerly known as Tempest Shadow, let out a sigh.
“Yes, I’d prefer a position like that, but I doubt my chances are very high after my actions towards the Princesses.”
“Well, considering how easily you defeated them, they could probably really use your help!”
Fizzlepop’s eyebrows went up and she stared at Joe.
“Easily?! You think it was easy?”
She shook her head.
“Civilians really don’t know anything about combat tactics…”
She stepped closer to Joe.
“Let me ask you something: Why do you think the Storm King invaded Equestria?”
Joe was a little bit intimidated by the towering mare.
“Uh… He wanted the Princesses’ power?”
“And why do you think, he has not invaded much sooner?”
“Uh… Because… he didn’t know about Equestria… before you told him?”
Fizzlepop (or let’s just call her ‘Tempest’ from now on, since it sounds way cooler) glared at him.
Doughnut Joe immediately regretted his answer.
Gladly, Tempest didn’t punch, kick or electrocute him on the spot and simply continued talking instead.
“No, that’s not the case. He knew about Equestria. The whole world knows who moves the heavens! But no matter how dimwitted he was, even the Storm King knew that an attack against Princess Celestia would be suicide. Unless he had a secret weapon…”
“The… petrifying orbs?”
“Exactly. It took him decades to obtain them. And he wouldn’t have accomplished even that without my help. Now, as for the attack on Canterlot itself…
Taking out the Princesses first, was absolutely imperative! If I had failed at neutralizing them quickly, me and the rest of the Storm Army would have been toast! I may not have shown it back then, but I was very relieved, once Celestia was a statue. Although, I’ve always wondered…”
“About what?”
“…Why Celestia didn’t do anything at the time. She shouted something to her sister, true, but that was it. She didn’t dodge, put up a force field around her or launch a counter attack (lucky for me, that one). It’s almost… as if she explicitly did not want to fight. But what reasons could she have had…?”
“Maybe… she never was that strong after all?”
“No… since my accident...”
She lifted a hoof towards her horn subconsciously, but stopped when she noticed it.
“...I somehow can feel raw power when I’m close to it. And...”
Her gaze went away and worry was visible in her eyes.
“To be perfectly honest… I have never felt anything more terrifying than her.”
Although very subtly, Tempest shuddered at the thought.
A very bright light suddenly shone into the shop. Doughnut Joe, blinded by it, put his hooves before his eyes.
“GAH! For the love of minty sprinkles! What’s going on out there?!”
Tempest, also covering her eyes, made her way out of the shop, grunting.
The bright light was already dimming a bit, allowing her to see again. Canterlot Plaza, on whose edge Joe’s shop was located, was as usual full of ponies although they were all cowering, startled by the sudden luminosity.
Tempest was finally able to make out the source of said light. It was descending from the sky, visibly slowing down, until it landed on the top of the plaza’s central fountain. Once it touched the water in the uppermost marble bowl, a huge cloud of steam hissed into the air. The large nebulous body of vapor looked spooky with the light glowing from within. After a few seconds the light went out almost entirely.
Once the steam started to clear, it revealed a figure:
A tall, slender mare, with white coat and fire for hair, awfully closely resembling…
“Princess Celestia?! Did she just hear me or something?” Tempest said to herself, staring with bewilderment. Such an entrance was definitely not the Princess’ style.
At that point, most of the other ponies also noticed the mare on the fountain who in their opinion could only be their beloved Princess, although with an apparently newfound taste for Heavy Metal.
After their confusion cleared a bit, the next thing that all the stallions (and some mares) noticed, was…
“SWEET CELESTIA!!! IS SHE HOT!!!”
It was worth every nosebleed that night.
The alleged Princess of the Sun lay down on the marble bowl and stretched herself seductively. She then swung up elegantly so that after one swift motion she was sitting upright on her well-nourished bottom, legs crossed, dangling playfully down the bowl’s edge.
She smiled warmly at her ‘subjects’.
“Greetings, my little ponies! There’s something I’d like to inquire. Would you be so kind as to help me solve this little conundrum?”
One stallion, who was covering his nose with a quickly reddening handkerchief, dared to come forth.
“Of course, Princess! What is it?”
“First question: Do you love me?”
“OF COURSE! How could we not?!”
“Uh huh… I see. And second question: Do you think I’m weak?”
A bit startled by the question, everypony hesitated answering before one mare found the courage.
“No, your Majesty! You’ve beaten up four huge and scary Dragons just two weeks ago!”
“Oh, I certainly remember that! I was there too, you know.”
Confused looks.
Daybreaker’s smile became dangerously small.
“And… How about the time before I dealt with those Dragons in front of your very eyes? Hm? Don’t worry, you can be honest with me.”
Most of the ponies raised an eyebrow. To them the answer to the last question was also ‘No’. They’ve never seen their Princess as weak. The one time she got defeated and the few times she got kidnapped, had perfectly reasonable explanations.
But some of the ponies had a different view. They had in fact been questioning Celestia’s power and competence over the last few years due to said events and now, being asked directly about it by the ruler herself, they were averting their faces in embarrassment.
This did not go unnoticed for Daybreaker; she had been looking out for this explicitly. To her, it was all she needed as confirmation.
The alicorn frowned.
“Hm… I see. There are some of you who dared to think I’m weak, isn't that so?”
She gracefully flared her huge wings and daintily ascended a few feet into the air.
Looking at the ponies below, she sighed.
“Seems I will have to make sure that nopony forgets my strength ever again.”
She started glowing again, but this time, radiating a lot more heat into all directions.
Many ponies screamed in fear of being singed.
Fortunately, before anypony could get seriously injured, a lightning bolt hit Daybreaker.
It wasn’t able to hurt her in the slightest, but it managed to avert her attention and thus, made her stop radiating the deadly heat.
Daybreaker turned to the attacker.
“Oh, it’s you! We still have a score to settle, Tempest!”
***
A little earlier, right after Daybreaker had left Celestia’s chamber.
With all the strength she had left, Celestia tried to stand up. She had to stop Daybreaker even if it cost her her life!
But sadly, it wasn’t enough.
She didn’t even have the strength to call for help.
“So… I am useless, after all...”
She lay there for a few seconds, but before she could drown in desperation and self-pity, something in her soul started to boil. Images of all her ponies, all her friends, all her family and what cruel fate awaited them all if Daybreaker was left unchecked flashed through her mind.
Her heartbeat got faster and anger grew in her. It grew and grew and grew… and gave birth to a resolve so strong it could have been forged in the Sun’s core itself.
“NO!”
She clenched her teeth violently. Her thoughts raced with lightning speed to find a solution.
And then it came!
She remembered something that could change the grim situation. With a sudden jolt, she swung her body around, so that she was lying on her belly. Ignoring the pain and exhaustion, she crawled towards one of the room’s walls, desperate to reach it. Once she did, she pressed a seemingly insignificant spot on the wall, opening a previously obscured secret compartment.
A door was revealed, small but sturdy. A hidden safe. The princess dialed the combination on a side panel and pulled the latch open, which was no small task given her current condition.
Then, with the last ounces of strength she had left…
…she hauled the hidden piece of triple-chocolate emergency cake into her mouth.
After a few seconds of munching, Celestia jumped from the floor, standing upright with newfound strength and roared manly… er… marely. She could have sworn that there was a certain sailorman’s theme song ringing in her ear, but there was no time to ponder such things.
The power-boost was still not near enough to defeat Daybreaker, but at least there was hope now.
Storm versus Fire
“Well, well, well… ” Daybreaker purred, licking her sharp teeth.
“I did not expect a pony with actual guts here.”
Some ponies had already run away after Daybreaker’s power manifestation, others were hiding and watching the scene with wide eyes. In any case, Canterlot Plaza seemed a lot emptier now.
The Solar Goddess of Destruction (her most recent nickname) stood right in front of Tempest Shadow, looking down at the mare. Since Daybreaker absolutely towered her foe, Tempest had to crane her neck upwards.
The unicorn tried to keep a smug expression.
“Well, your Highness, I’ve recently found a new job and I can’t just let you fry the customers. And even though you’re obviously out of my league, it still kinda peeves me off when you hurt those who unconditionally forgave me.”
Weren’t it for her long experience as a soldier, Tempest would be shivering and sweating a lot. Instead, just a few drops formed on her forehead.
Great, now you’ve gone and bucked up, Fizzle, she thought and gulped.
You just COULDN’T keep yourself from picking up a fight with the most powerful being in the world, could you?
She sighed.
Guess I have no choice but to keep her busy until the cavalry arrives…
She gulped.
Whoever that might be...
Calmly, Tempest took off her apron and threw it to the ground, while Daybreaker was patiently watching.
The purple mare looked back into the monster’s eyes.
“How about you pick on somepony your own size? Or... at least somepony close to it?”
Daybreaker grinned widely.
“Oh, I’d love to. Those pathetic weaklings wouldn’t sta-…”
BAM!!!
Tempest interrupted the alicorn with a lightning-quick roundhouse kick to the side of her head.
To Tempest’s surprise, the supposed Princess’ eyes bulged out, her expression full of pain and shock.
Without hesitation, Tempest launched almost a dozen punches right into Daybreaker’s stomach within the next two seconds, which made the alicorn curl and gasp for air, about to puke.
Keeping the momentum and propping up her body from the ground, Tempest threw a salto kick of incredible power, smacking right under Daybreaker’s chin (which landed her the lead role in the movie 'Kung Fu Fizzle' a few years later).
Still in the air and backflipping uncontrollably, the solar mare went flying a few meters, only to painfully hit the stone floor shortly afterwards. Panting, Tempest looked at her work with a puzzled expression.
“That easy…?”
Daybreaker’s body twitched but after a few moments the alicorn slowly started standing up. She then moaned loudly and in a rather ridiculous way.
“NNNYAAAARRRGH!!! YOU’RE TEARING ME APART, TEMPEST!!!” she wailed, very unnaturally.
Tempest sighed, her hopes deflating.
“Okay, I get it… You can drop the act. You’re a terrible actress by the way.”
Daybreaker playfully pouted.
“Awww… I just wanted to spice things up.”
She positioned herself again in front of Tempest.
“Okay, try again. For real this time!”
Putting as much force into the attack as she could muster, Tempest threw a kick directly into Daybreaker’s face, resulting in a loud cracking sound.
From Tempest’s hoof, that is. The alicorn did not even flinch.
“Eww, you stepped in something gross!” said the fiery brute, pretending to be disgusted, and put her forehoof on Tempest’s chest. Then, with an effortless push, she sent her opponent flying straight into the opposite direction, closing dangerously to the speed of sound.
Tempest was stopped further away by a dumpster, bending it heavily out of shape. Fortunately, there had been no pony tossed inside that evening. Lucky for her, ponies are pretty sturdy and physically resistant up to a cartoonish degree. And on top of that, among ponies, Tempest was particularly tough.
Trembling in agony, Tempest made an effort to stand up. Using her hooves, she checked for injuries.
“Spine… could be better. Ribs… could be MUCH better...”
A sudden flash of light changed her surroundings. She wasn’t at the dumpster anymore, instead standing in front of Daybreaker at the plaza. The alleged Princess’ horn glowed faintly, dissipating magic from the teleportation spell. She smiled triumphantly.
“Try again!”
Tempest knew she would not be able to do much after being pummeled just a moment earlier so she gritted her teeth and rammed her broken horn into Daybreaker’s chest. The unicorn couldn’t penetrate the flesh, of course, but with all the power she had left, the mare sent waves of electricity into the tyrant’s body. Enough to fry a Yak or severely burn an Ursa Minor.
Daybreaker lit up brightly, flashing wildly and starting to glow.
After ten seconds of electrocuting her opponent, Tempest was out of juice and yet Daybreaker stood there, unphased, raising an eyebrow.
“Not even a minute? Tsk, tsk. I guess all those doughnuts really did a number on your fitness, dear. Maybe it’s time to look for somepony else to play with.”
Panting heavily, Tempest smirked.
“I’m not done yet… I think my little friend would like to play too!”
She pointed into the night sky. Daybreaker looked up. There was a dark supercharged storm cloud about to burst with all the energy stored within. Tempest’s grin widened.
“Stay right where you are, okay?”
She jumped away from Daybreaker, who took a surprised glimpse at her own legs: The stone floor had melted from all the electricity and was now cooling off rapidly, encasing all four of the mare’s hooves.
A moment later, the storm cloud discharged at Daybreaker, resulting in a powerful concentrated explosion. Tempest was breathing heavily but smiled.
When the smoke cleared, it revealed an empty crater. Faint hope emerged within the purple warrior.
Did… I really get her? Would be cool if I fell the most powerful creature in history.
Sudden realization made her stare in shock and gulp.
Oh no… I’ve killed the PRINCESS!!! What will her subjects say?
She held her throat with her hooves.
What will they DO?!
A sinister cackle behind her made her sigh in relief, but then she remembered who she was dealing with here…
Daybreaker picked the mare up in a golden aura and levitated her closer, so that the unicorn was now face to face with the fiery menace.
“Nice try! But I think it’s time to let the real fun start. I still remember how that petrification orb of yours stung and I think it’s fitting for you to now experience it first hoof!”
A part of the stone floor nearby started to glow and melt. The superheated slag was pulled into the air by Daybreaker’s telekinesis and formed a floating orange-red orb of liquid stone, a few feet in diameter.
“How about I slowly encase you in this? Wouldn’t that… rock?”
Tendrils of red-hot slag lazily came out of the orb, moving towards Tempest. She stared at them with absolute terror in her eyes trying to wriggle out of Daybreaker’s grip at all cost, but it was like prying a vice open with a matchstick.
Suddenly, a bright flash caused the temperature to fall instantly. The molten slag on the outside became solid again, with plumes of steam hissing out angrily through the cracks on its quivering surface.
Daybreaker looked at the now useless orb, cocking an eyebrow. She let Tempest fall to the ground and turned around to see the source of the cooling spell. The cavalry had indeed finally arrived.
Princess Luna fell around the fire mare’s neck, hugging it tightly and pressing her midnight blue chest against the mare’s. Tears ran down the princess’ cheeks.
“Please, Sister! Whatever it is… we can talk about it! Don’t repeat my mistake!”
She shut her eyes, sobbed and hugged even tighter.
“I beg you!”
***
Canterlot castle, the guards cantine.
The castle’s dining hall is a place where the royal protectors usually refresh themselves and exchange gossip heard throughout their shifts. At this time of the day though, it was empty and quiet, save for one white unicorn stallion sitting at one of the long tables. It was the same guard who had accompanied the princess to the train station three weeks prior. Contently humming to himself, he was wrapping a shiny new plunger into gift-paper. After tying it up with a ribbon, he added a gift-card.
‘For the best boss ever!’ it read.
Suddenly, the door to the cantine door was kicked wide open, revealing a white alicorn who stumbled in panting heavily after climbing the stairs leading to the room. Her mane hung down without the alluring flow it was famous for and her floppy wings dragged over the floor. The guard turned around and smiled.
"Perfect timing, your Highness!"
He wanted to grab his gift in his magic, but stopped as soon as he heard the Princess speak.
Though Celestia was panting heavily, she managed to utter:
"Where’s... *pant* ...Luna...? *pant* ...Must contact Twilight... *pant* ...Need Elements of Harmony... *pant* ... FOR REAL this time!"
She collapsed on the floor, the energy of the emergency cake all but used up. The guard gasped and ran over to help his sovereign, levitating her up in the last moment. Once the (fairly heavy) princess was in a sitting position she stared the guard right into the eyes.
"Luna! *pant* Where is she?!"
"Out there in Canterlot City, your Highness. She went to handle some villain that showed up. But don’t worry! I’m certain she has everything under control!"
Celestia’s eyes went wide in horror.
Oh for the love of me, NO!, she thought. She’s out there with that brute!
With the little strength she had, she grabbed the guard by the shoulders.
"Bring me CAKE!"
"I'm sorry, your Highness, but we’re out. I already tried to get a slice myself."
Celestia bit her lip.
"Then help me get up *pant* and bring me to the… the Throne Room!"
Celestia then took a glance at the table.
"Is that a plunger?"
Faults of the past
Canterlot Plaza.
Luna was still hugging Daybreaker tightly. After a whole minute had passed, the princess slowly pulled back from the embrace and with big watery eyes, looked into those of the fiery mare.
"Sister, Please! What hath upset you this much?"
Daybreaker just looked at her in silence.
The smaller alicorn thought about what could have brought forth the burning anger that led to this hellish downfall.
“Was it the result of the annual Plot-Awards that irked you so much? I had no hoof in that, I swear! It's not my fault that I have a perfect 'moon'!”
The taller alicorn was still just looking at her, producing no sound beside the crackling of her fiery mane.
Luna gulped.
"W-Was it my behavior? I know I can be difficult and I’m really sorry for that! I might seem ungrateful at times, but I assure that I am working on it!"
Daybreaker remained silent for a few seconds. Then she slowly lifted a hoof and moved it in a circle.
"And...?"
Luna was caught off guard by the gesture, then she nervously thought of an answer.
"A-And I’m also sorry for how annoying I can be. Forgive me, but you are almost always right and it's really frustrating! It’s very hard for me to not vent my anger."
Daybreaker’s hoof made the circling motion again.
"And...?"
Luna cringed and bit her lip. Her pride was starting to get in her way.
"And... I’m sorry for how I take my petty little revenge each time I lose an argument. Like when I boobytrapped your diary. And when I hid all those geese in your bed."
Daybreaker circled her hoof with more gusto and a faint smile.
"Aaaaaaaand...?"
Luna ground her teeth, her patience at its limits.
"And... I’m sorry for putting weapon-grade laxatives into your cake."
Daybreaker chuckled.
"Oh Luna, if laxatives worked on me, my life would’ve been much easier! Not that it matters now..."
Luna looked at her, pouting and eyes narrow in annoyance.
"Are we done here, Sister? Can you please stop this childish folly now?"
Daybreaker smirked, a devilish glint in her eyes.
"Oh yes, I will end it once and for all... that irritating childish folly in front of me..."
Luna was confused.
"W-What do you mean?"
"Good bye, Lulu!"
The fiery demon lifted her hoof and threw a punch at the Princess of the Night.
It hit nothing, just the air. Yet, the resulting air-blast unearthed many of the plaza’s tiles and ripped off the roofs of some buildings further away. Daybreaker cocked an eyebrow.
"Oh...?"
She looked around in order to find out where her ‘sister’ had gone.
She spotted her nearby... in Starswirl’s arms.
The old wizard spoke to Luna, while keeping his eyes on their adversary.
"Beware, Little Moon, that creature is not your sister! I doubt she’ll allow me to teleport you out a second time!"
Luna looked at him in bewilderment.
"But... that MUST be her! No other creature could have this much power!"
Starswirl helped her up, still carefully eying Daybreaker.
"I don’t know how this is possible either, but I can tell that whatever this creature is, there is no Celestia in there! Even at her worst she would never behave like this! ...Unlike you, Luna."
The Night Princess gave him grumpy glance.
Daybreaker grinned at the old Magician and started to slowly stroll towards him.
"Ah... Correct as always, my beloved old teacher... You know, I still remember all those essays you made me write! Those long, long essays..."
She grit her teeth.
"By the way, do you remember that one time I told you that Rockhoof ate my homework? I DID NOT LIE!!! Yet, you still punished me, you jerk!!"
***
About 1115 years earlier.
Late afternoon.
Nine-year-old Celestia stood up from her desk. She rubbed her tired eyes and smiled. She then picked up the piece of parchment in front of her with her magic.
“Phew, finally! That was the hardest essay ever!”
Satisfied with her work, Celestia wanted to stash it away safely, but suddenly a large bulky stallion crashed screaming through the wall. He had apparently been smacked into the air by an angry Ursa Major and got ‘slowed down’ by the castle’s battlements. The stallion was in the middle of a shout (more of a battlecry than a shriek of fear) so his mouth was wide open and, as fate would have it, it was on collision course with Celestia’s homework…
A moment later the parchment was gone. All the afternoon’s work for nothing, lost forever to the depths of Rockhoof.
After punching a hole in the floor, the hero almost immediately climbed out, unaware of his latest meal, and looked at the stunned little filly.
“Don’t worrrree, wee lass! I’ll uprrrrut me a log and thrrrroh it at that wee Urrrrsa!”
A moment later, he jumped out of the castle through the newest ‘window’ in the wall, leaving behind a stunned foal, who just kept staring in disbelief.
This was officially the third-worst Thursday that month.
Celestia didn’t move for a minute.
“My essay...”
Then she started to wail.
***
Present time.
The air around the now mature alicorn became so hot, it flickered.
“You had me walk door-to-door telling ponies what a terrible little liar I was and then gave Luna all my dessert for that month! She’s always been your FAVOURITE!”
Calming down a bit she added “I think it is time we settled the issue, it’s been long, loooong overdue!"
Starswirl stepped forward.
"So, you have her memories then? And apparently some of her feelings too. Probably not the good ones, I’m afraid… Also, I like you both the same!"
Then he started mumbling grumpily to no pony in particular: “Unbelievable, that I have to repeat that over and over again even after a thousand years and on top of that you aren’t even the real Celestia. I’m getting too old for this but it’ll be over soon, since I’m not getting any younger, and my bones aren’t what...”
Daybreaker huffed.
“It’s far too late to make amends…”
A single tear of lava ran down her cheek.
A thunderclap resounded and lightning flashed in the sky. It was Luna, who had stepped forth and stomped her hoof furiously to the ground.
“WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO OUR SISTER?!!!” she boomed in her Royal Canterlot voice.
Daybreaker saw an opportunity and smirked at the Night Princess.
“If you want to know, you’ll have to beat it out of me!”
The fiery alicorn looked at Starswirl.
“You can help her if you feel like it.”
Luna and Starswirl exchanged glances. Then they nodded.
“Fine!” said the midnight blue alicorn.
“If it’s ‘physical diplomacy’ you want, you shall get it! I was always a fan of the ‘big stick policy’.
Both mares rubbed their flanks discreetly, recalling the spanking their tutor was so fond of in the olden days.
The princess assumed a fighting stance as Starswirl lit his horn up.
“Use brute force, little Moon! Trust your feelings! I will support you with my own power.”
His magic enveloped the Night Princess, who was already charging her own horn.
Daybreaker chuckled.
“How sweet… You think that a little more energy will make a difference towards the power of the Sun?”
She sat down on her haunches.
“Very well! Let’s see if you can pierce my defenses.”
Her magic lit up, ready to counter whatever meek attempt of an attack might come at her.
Luna pulled an enormous amount of energy into her horn. It was, as if she drew the power from a very deep well. The night seemed to get darker while she did. Starswirl had to concentrate very hard to feed her with his magic. On the tip of Luna’s horn a bright blue orb of light was growing bigger and bigger and her eyes were starting to glow pure white. Then she pulled up her head, readying herself to unleash the monstrous spell. Daybreaker just sat there unimpressed, her horn mildly saturated.
Suddenly, Luna disappeared in a flash and reappeared behind the fiery alicorn. She unleashed a bright thick beam of blue magic towards Daybreaker’s back.
A golden shield of magic appeared a few inches behind the mare and easily deflected the attack. Daybreaker turned around smiling.
“Come on, Lulu! It was obvious that Starswirl couldn’t give you more power and would pull off something like this. ‘Teleports behind you’ is a foal’s trick!”
She lifted her hoof and gave Luna a patronizing pat on the head. Or she would have if her hoof did not go right through it. Daybreaker was surprised.
“An illusion?”
“I’m still here!” Luna said, still standing exactly where she had been before the cast. She flung down her head and unleashed a gigantic blue beam at Daybreaker, much bigger and much more powerful than the previous one. Before the fiery alicorn could turn around and react, she was hit square to the face by the incredible wave of magic.
What Daybreaker didn’t know, was that with Luna’s dream magic and Starswirl’s time magic, the two were able to communicate without words, in what was just a heartbeat for everypony else. The moment they had glanced at each other, right before the start of the fight, they had enough relative time to work out a strategy… and have a conversation about the old times, but that is a story for another time.
When the blinding light had dissipated, Daybreaker was frozen in a huge ice crystal. The hellish alicorn started to emit a glow just a moment later and it was already making the ice crack and melt. Luna, however, wouldn’t make it that easy. The ice crystal got enveloped in blue magic, stabilizing and reinforcing it. Daybreaker’s glow became more intense, painful to look at, but the disintegration of the ice was minimal. Luna was panting heavily and sweat was running down her forehead, while her determination only grew.
Everypony present held their breaths, witnessing the titanic struggle. The wrestle went on for a few minutes, with both opponents upping one another multiple times, but of course this couldn’t go on forever…
In the end, Luna was worn out. She could barely stand and her magic, still enveloping the ice, became dim and flickering. With one bright and powerful burst the whole ice crystal vaporized and Daybreaker was once again unleashed to the world, eyeing her prey. Luna sat down on her haunches, breathing heavily.
Her foe strolled over to her and grinned.
“Nice try, but I have to ask: What were you hoping to accomplish with that? In the end, you've only gained a few minutes.”
Luna looked up at her…
…and smiled.
“Enough time!”
“For what?”
“For Starswirl to perform a summoning!”
“Summoning who?”
A huge rubber-hammer hit Daybreaker on the head from behind, pounding her into the ground with a loud squeaking sound.
Said hammer was wielded by none other than the Spirit of Chaos himself, Discord.
“Usually, I wouldn’t even pick up the phone when I see ol’ Starsy’s number, but considering we have a score to settle, Celly, I just couldn’t refuse!”
Luna got up on her feet shakily.
“Well, actually that doesn’t seem to be Cel…”
The ground exploded, breaking down most of the giant rubber-hammer into smithereens and sending Luna and Discord flying. The Night Princess was caught in Starswirl’s magic, who levitated her gently over into his arms. Discord caught himself, literally, and stopped in midair. Daybreaker ascended from a crater filled with glowing slag. Her face was showing annoyance and amusement at the same time.
“Ah… looks like the real fun is about to start!”
Discord glared at her.
“Fun?! You think violence is fun?! Have you any idea how long I needed to recover from your punch?! That was NOT funny! How about I show YOU how that feels like?!”
Daybreaker took off towards him with the speed of sound.
Discord flinched.
“Yikes!”
He dashed high into the sky on a scooter he pulled out from behind his back, closely followed by the fiery alicorn.
Luna and Starswirl were watching intensely.
“We have bought us some more time. Let’s think of a new strategy… and pray for a miracle.”
Meanwhile, Tempest Shadow stood up from where she lay forgotten all this time after being dropped by Daybreaker.
“Huh! It really isn’t that bad letting others do the work!” she said to herself, while musing how being a princess must feel like.
***
Canterlot Castle, the throne room.
The large double-door swung open and Celestia, supported by the unicorn guard, entered the large hall. When they reached the middle, not far from the throne, the princess told the guard to stop. He looked at her.
“Your Highness, if you want to reach your sister, why didn’t you take a chariot?”
“That would take too long!” Celestia responded, still too weak to fly or teleport.
The guard was confused.
“But how is the throne room going to be any faster?”
“Cover your ears!”
“Yes, your Highness.”
He did as she told him. The princess looked towards the throne and uttered the secret phrase:
“Do you like bananas?”
A trap door in the floor opened and the barrel of a huge, candy-colored cannon rose into the room. The guard starred at it in bewilderment… and awe.
“Your Highness… what IS that?! …It’s beautiful…”
With the little bit of magic that Celestia could muster, she flipped a switch somewhere, causing the cannon’s barrel to lower down, so that its muzzle was within reach.
“That’s a giant party-cannon, a gift from Pinkie Pie for my birthday a few years ago. I only ever use it to... ...to shoot stuff I don’t like to the Moon… ...when nopony is looking. However, now it will serve a different purpose…”
She started climbing into the cannon’s barrel. She was able to get her upper body in, but lacked the strength to lift her significant bottom up. After a few undignified attempts (and some annoyed squeaking) she gave up.
“Would you be so kind...?” she asked the guard behind her.
As attractive as this request might be to most stallions (and some mares), it was unthinkable for an honorable Royal Guard to touch the Celestial Buttocks with their hooves or even their magic. Yet, he HAD to help his princess somehow; it was his duty! And at that point, he knew precisely what had to be done: he started unwrapping the plunger from the gift-paper.
Upon hearing the rustling, Celestia’s eyes went wide.
“Oh no! No no no no no!”
But it was too late…
The cup of the plunger pressed against her cheeks (not the facial cheeks) with a smacking sound. The princess was pushed inside the cannon completely. Fortunately, nopony could see her furious blush.
“Thank you for your assistance…” Celestia grumbled, once inside.
“I live to serve, your Highness!”
“My buttocks have noticed…”
With a firm pull and some muffled smacking sounds, the guard tried to levitate the plunger away. Unsuccessfully so.
“Your Highness… hmpf! ...you must relax! Hugh! Let it go!” he said while trying further.
But(t) to her annoyance and embarrassment the plunger had clamped tightly and would not relent.
“Nevermind, there’s no time! Step away now! I’m going to fire it!” she growled in an attempt to keep the little bit of dignity she had left.
Startled, the guard galloped further away.
“Good luck, your Highness!”
“We are all going to need it.” She muttered quietly to herself.
Again, she magically flipped some hidden mechanical switches, which made the cannon lift its barrel again. She set ‘Luna’ as the target of the magical aiming system. The roof split in two and once the cannon stopped moving, pointing at the opening, Celestia yelled:
“TO THE MOOOOOOOON!!! …oops, sorry! Force of habit! I mean: TO LUNAAAAA!!!”
BOOM!
Author's Notes:
The cannon is a reference to this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4f9m4OYkCY
Battle of the Gods
Minutes before Celestia reached the throne room and right after the Spirit of Chaos took off into the air.
High up in the night sky above Canterlot Discord came to a sudden stop and turned into a traffic light. Once Daybreaker came close, she immediately slammed the brakes. After all, violating traffic rules was too much even for the Solar Goddess of Destruction.
Once she came to a halt, the traffic light turned back into Discord, wearing a police uniform and writing on a notepad.
“Ms Celestia, I’m afraid you are hereby under arrest! You’ll be handed over to the authorities immediately!”
With a bright flash, a courtroom materialized around Daybreaker, sans floor, ceiling and walls, with all the furniture just hovering in the air. The alicorn was seated on a stool behind the defendant’s table. In front of her, Discord in a judge’s robe and a court wig was sitting behind the bar. To Daybreaker’s left was the jury box, with twelve angry Discords glaring at her. The judge slammed his gavel, making a squeaking sound.
“ORDE… I mean… CHAOS! CHAOS!” he demanded.
“Celestia Bananamare Sunbutt van Cakegobbler (the First) is charged with crimes against the most awesome, most handsome and most supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Draconequus in existence! The offenses towards Discord the Great consist of punching, cheating in a fight and massive friendzoning! What does the defendant have to say for herself?”
Daybreaker, unamused, opened her mouth, but before she could utter a single word, another Discord showed up at her side. He wore a cheap looking, sleazy suit with tasteless colors and his hair was greasy and kempt over. He put a talon on Daybreaker’s mouth, signaling her to remain silent.
“Let me handle this, Celly! After all, it’s not like you ever do anything yourself!”
Daybreaker glared at him, but said nothing, focusing instead on the business card the attorney handed her. It read: ‘Better Call Discord’.
The lawyer turned to the judge and stepped forward (even though there was no floor) grabbing the suspenders on his smartsuit.
“Your honor, it is hardly her fault for behaving that way!”
He turned to the jury.
“As I will prove to you with my evidence and surprise witnesses, my client can’t help herself when she sees something as sexy as the great Discord! She’ll do anything to get his attention, even if her ways are questionable. Please, have a heart and show mercy to this poor, desperate mare. Is it a crime, to be dazzled by such incredible, miss-matched beauty? Look how she suffers being so close, and yet so far away from her goal!”
Daybreaker just deadpanned, but she was cut off once again before she could rebuke the ridiculous claim as Discord grabbed her face, pulling it for the jury to see.
“Think of the turmoil inside of her! Think of all the restless nights spent alone, all the guilt gnawing at her, all the cakes devoured in despair!”
All the members of the jury wiped tears from their faces. Their hearts melted, literally. Even the judge’s under-lip was quivering.
Daybreaker smirked.
“Actually… …How do I put this…? …I don’t find you the least bit attractive and would rather join Luna in her Anime RP nights than stay in the same room with you for more than a minute… but… I guess we can still be evil pen pals.”
“GUILTY!!! GUILTY!!!” all the members of the jury yelled in fury.
The lawyer shrugged.
“Welp, there’s nothing more I can do here! Off to Mexicolt!”
With a white flash, he seated himself in a rickety camper and drove away, leaving puffs of smoke behind, while its horn blasted ‘La Cucaracha’.
The judge slammed his gavel against the desk, glaring at Daybreaker.
“YOU ARE THE MOST HEINOUS CREATURE IN THE HISTORY OF EQUUS!!! I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO CLOWNING!”
One giant bright flash later the court was gone, leaving Daybreaker alone in the air. She was wearing a clown costume with makeup and a round red nose. She was also holding an oversized bike horn in her hooves. A moment later, Discord’s head appeared from its muzzle.
“Priceless! Hahaha! No hard feelings, but I need to show you your place, Celly!”
The ‘Aliclown’ suddenly pressed the rubber-end of the bike horn, shooting the startled Discord out with a loud honk. He stopped a little further away, with his heart beating out off his chest. The draconequus was visibly upset.
“Goodness, are you trying to make me fall out of the sky?!”
Daybreaker-Clown smiled.
“You float! We all float! And while you’re up here with me, you’ll keep floating!”
She ignited her body and all signs of clownery vaporized, turning into ash and a cloud of steam that blended with the clouds nearby. After it had dissipated, it left the fiery mare naked once more. Discord gritted his teeth.
“FINE! If you don’t want Mister Nice Discord, missy, you won’t get Mister Nice Discord! How about we continue this with no wings and no magic… only on your part, of course!”
He snapped his talons and a bright flash flared around Daybreaker.
Nothing happened.
The tyrant still had her wings and horn attached. She smirked, while Discord’s eyes went wide.
“What the…?! Well, then I’ll just serve you some time off as a statue, like you did to me twice! Prepare to get stoned, your Cakeness!”
He snapped his talons once again with the same result.
A vein visibly popped on Discord’s forehead, violently pumping. He continued to snap his talons and paw frantically. The only effect it had was a light show.
Suddenly, Daybreaker appeared in front of him, putting her hooves gently on his paw and talon, making him stop the snapping. She smiled warmly and looked deep into his eyes, while bringing her face close to his.
“I’m afraid I’m way out of your league, Dissy! Conserve your energy from now on. You might be able to tease me with your tricks, change my make up or dress me up in ridiculous ways… ...or steal my tail… you jerk… but actually harming me? Stealing my magic? Petrifying me? It never worked before and I’ll make sure it never will!”
Discord stared at her with wide eyes and visibly gulped.
Then, Daybreaker abruptly grabbed him with her hooves and tied his elongated body into a knot, while the draconequus yelped in pain. Once she was done, she held a tightly bound, squirming Disco(rd)ball in her hooves and chuckled.
“I assume you think that this is… ‘knot’ funny?”
“That pun is the most painful part!” Discord’s muffled voice said.
He escaped her grasp with yet another flash and reappeared further away, painfully untangling himself.
“Ooh! Ouch! Agh! Hhhnnnggg… It seems like it’s time to pull out the heavy guns!”
Discord’s body started to grow and transform into a mechanical giant, an Anime-esque Mecha-Discord, with five Power-Ranger-Discords sitting inside. Once finished, he opened his arms revealing countless missiles ready to launch from his chest. They all had Discord’s face painted on their warheads. With the thunder of a thousand engines, all the missiles launched simultaneously and flew towards the fiery alicorn… who stopped them all in her golden aura right before the impact. She then put a hoof to her chin in thought.
“Hm… no, that’s no fun at all...”
Her magic aura dissipated, letting all of the discordian rockets hit her at once, resulting in a massive explosion and a firework display in the shape of Discord’s grinning face. Once the smoke had cleared, it revealed a smug alicorn, to absolutely nopony’s surprise.
The giant Mecha-Discord pulled out a gargantuan, futuristic sword, twice the size of himself and lifted it high into the sky, ready for a colossal strike that would pierce the heavens. It was then that Daybreaker snatched it out of his huge mechanical hand into her golden aura and started spanking him with the blade’s flat side.
“OW! OW! OW!” he said in a robotic voice.
With another white flash, the sword disappeared and Discord was back to normal, rubbing his butt and panting.
“Okay, TIME OUT! Parlay! How about we talk this out like adults, Celly?”
Daybreaker grinned.
“You still think you’re dealing with Celestia here, don’t you?”
Discord’s bushy eyebrows went up.
“Wait, you’re not Celestia?! …Well, that would explain why you are such an…”
He made a cartoon-hole appear in front of him, with an ass sticking its head out.
"Do you think she got the hint?" asked the donkey.
"Doubt it!” said the hole.
The fiery alicorn smiled, displaying a wide, toothy grin, staring at Discord menacingly.
“You wanted to talk, right?”
The Spirit of Chaos felt very uneasy with the look on her face, not to mention the razor-sharp teeth.
“Um… yes…?” he muttered nervously.
Daybreaker’s expression turned even more malevolent.
“Well, how about a game instead? You start running… and if I catch you… it's barbecue time, My Little Bratwurst!”
She locked her gaze with his and lowered her upper half, ready to pounce. Discord’s whole body paled and he snapped his talons in order to teleport far, far away. Nothing happened, not even a flash this time.
“Oh, and I’ll be suppressing at least SOME of your powers from now on. All those flashes are starting to give me a headache!” Daybreaker added.
“You wouldn’t want to cheat on me, now would you, Dissy?” she said sweetly giving him a wink and setting her horn ablaze, turning it into a fiery skewer.
Discord bolted in panic, while his predator gave chase, giggling playfully, yet menacingly.
***
All the shenanigans happened so high up that nopony down on the ground could see anything but flashes and blasts.
Many of the ponies on the now ravaged Canterlot plaza looked up not only in fear, but also with sadness on their faces. They were all asking themselves questions like:
Why is Princess Celestia doing all of this? She was always so kind and caring! Doesn’t she love us anymore? Is it our fault? What did we do? Did we not cherish her enough?
Their hearts were about to break.
Starswirl and the still recovering Luna were watching the fight high up with worried expressions. Tempest Shadow was standing at their side, visibly tired and in pain. She had already told them what happened before their arrival at the plaza.
“Hopefully, that all powerful Chaos-God is what he claims to be! Else we’re all done for!” Tempest grimly remarked.
“Discord is the third most powerful being in the world! He should at least give us time to think of a new strategy.” Starswirl said without turning his gaze from the sky.
Luna looked at him.
“And who is the second most powerful?” she asked.
The only answer Starswirl gave, were two discrete pats on her back. Luna’s eyes went wide. Then she looked down smiling lightly and blushing heavily.
Tempest squinted at the little she could see high above.
“You’d better think of something quick, ‘cause the gig up there won’t last much longer.”
“Well, you are more than invited to share your wisdom with us, young lady!” Starswirl grumpily remarked.
“The solution won’t just fall out of the sky!”
A faint whistling sound, that slowly grew louder and louder, caused them all to cock an eyebrow and to look around when suddenly...
WHAM!
Something hit the ground behind them with enough power to blast them away. Once they got up, all three of them saw a small crater, where the unidentified flying object had hit the ground. In its centre, a very familiar, white (and fairly large) butt stuck into the air, shaking around due to the pair of flailing legs it was attached to.
“CELESTIA!!!” Starswirl, Luna and Tempest said in unison.
Suddenly something else fell from the sky and hit Tempest directly in the forehead with a loud smacking sound. It was a plunger, now attached firmly in place of her broken horn. The purple mare crossed her eyes looking upwards, while slowly moving a hoof up and daintily touched the wooden shaft.
“I feel… complete!”
Breaking the Day
“Heave ho! Heave ho! Heave ho!” Starswirl, Luna and Tempest said in unison.
They were firmly holding Celestia’s legs, trying to wrestle out the Sun Princess, whose lower body-half was still sticking out undignifiedly from the ground. Unfortunately, the endeavor was similar to retrieving Excalibur.
All the ponies gathered at the scene stepped closer. Even as scared and heartbroken as they were, it was hard for them to ignore what seemed to be a meteorite-impact. Aside from the three figures in the crater desperately trying to pull something from the ground, they noticed what said meteor actually was... to their collective relief. Many cheered and shed tears of joy upon seeing the celestial buttocks (and definitely NOT for depraved reasons, as one who reads this out of context might assume...).
“It’s no use…” Luna said sighing in defeat, her formidable strength all but exerted on the previous attempt to stop Daybreaker.
Tempest’s expression, on the other hoof, grew even fiercer. She pulled the plunger off of her forehead and aimed the cup at the royal ‘snow globes’.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures! Even if they suck!”
Starswirl and Luna both facehooved at the pun. Tempest glared at them.
“Come on! That wasn’t even meant to be funny! I’m totally serious!” she snapped at them. The purple mare turned back to her objective.
“No time for dilly dallying!”
With an excessive amount of force, she slammed the plunger right onto the solar buttocks, causing a muffled whine to come from under the rubble. With all her strength, Tempest pulled at the plunger, using the skills she’d learned in the sanitary-platoon of the Storm King’s Army (her unflattering early years), making sure it stayed firmly attached at all times. To everpony’s relief, the divine plot actually started to slowly emerge from beneath the pieces of rock. With one final, inhumanly… sorry… inequinely strong pull the princess plopped out of the ground. Tempest managed to remove the plunger just before she collapsed to the ground from fatigue (and probably a hefty dose of shame).
Starswirl and Luna lifted Celestia into an upright position.
“SISTER! Art thou hurt?!”
Suddenly, Celestia grabbed Luna by her shoulders, shook her violently and stared frantically into her eyes.
“CALL TWILIGHT!!! CALL HER NOW!!!”
“S-S-Si-i-i-i-i-is-s-s-ste-e-e-er! Sto-o-o-o-o-op!” the shaken Night Princess pleaded.
Celestia stopped, but never ceased to stare at her sister.
“CALL TWILIGHT!!! WE NEED THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!!! THIS IS NOT A TEST FOR TWILIGHT LIKE IN THE PAST!!! I’M NOT THE ‘SAFETY NET’ THIS TIME!!!”
Luna slapped Celestia in the face.
“CALM DOWN, TIA!!! Wouldst thou care to explain how all of this came to be?!”
Celestia blinked, but then snapped out of her dumbfoundedness.
“That thing... Daybreaker... came out of me!”
“SHE WHAT?!” Luna and Starswirl asked simultaneously.
Celestia continued.
“She... She had apparently been preparing a spell for it... feeding on my emotions... for a VERY long time... and then she used my moment of insecurity to break free. And stole all of my power!”
The other two ponies gasped, hopes of Celestia beating their foe up shattered.
“Quite an impressive feat, I must say... if the situation wasn’t so dire, that is.” Starswirl noted.
The Sun Princess suddenly realized she hadn’t asked the most important of questions yet.
“Where is she now?!”
Starswirl pointed upwards.
“Up there, being entertained by Discord. But she'll grow bored soon...”
Celestia stared at Luna again, more frantically than she'd intended.
“LUNA! Send Twilight a message NOW!”
Luna stared back at her.
“Sister... I can't... My magical resources are depleted. And they won't be restored until some time...”
Celestia's eyes, reduced to pinpricks in pure terror.
“B-But... you MUST have something left!”
“No, I don't.”
“Then let Starswirl or some other unicorn replenish it!”
“Starswirl is almost as worn out as I am, but it doesn't matter anyway.”
“What do you mean?!”
“Think straight, Sister! There's no point in calling for Twilight Sparkle! By the time she could reach even one Element, Equestria will have been turned into a scorched desert!”
“But... no... this can't be happening... we cannot give up...”
“And we WON'T, Sister! But using the Elements is not an option right now!”
“BUT THEY'RE THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOP HER!!!”
Now it was Luna's turn to grab Celestia by her shoulders.
“SISTER! We'll find a different solution! YOU will find a solution! You ALWAYS do!”
Celestia slowly removed Luna's hooves from herself.
“No... I won't... it's my fault... and I'm incapable of correcting it...”
She collapsed to the ground, wailing in despair. All ponies around watched her sobbing.
“I... *sniffle* I have made so many mistakes... *sniffle* And now everypony will suffer! I was right! Equestria would have been better off without me! I'm a terrible leader! I was just lucky up until now! *sob* OH WHY COULD TWILIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN BORN SOONER?! I'M USELESS!!! Boohoohoooooo!!!”
Luna just stared at her, mouth agape. She had NEVER seen her older sister in such a mess! And most shockingly: Celestia's inferiority-complex was apparently WAY bigger than her own. Before the Night Princess, who was at a loss for words, could say anything, a tiny voice spoke up.
“But that's not true. Why do you say that?”
The princesses both looked at the source, visibly surprised. A tiny foal was standing there, an expression of true bewilderment on its face. And not just that one foal had closed in. In fact, all ponies around had gathered close around their princesses. For some reason looking into the foal's questioning eyes made Celestia's brain switch to teacher-mode.
“Because... I always mess up... I... I wreck what I touch... things only turn out well when I let others handle them.”
The child raised an eyebrow.
“Huh? But you raise the sun every day!”
“Well yes, but all the other...”
“You also established our society, very successfully so if I might add.” a stallion interrupted her.
She looked at him, searching for words.
“Well… yes... but...”
“And you made the economy thrive!” an elder pony said.
“And you kept us all safe for so long!” a young mare added.
Celestia slowly lifted herself up, looking puzzled. All the ponies around were suddenly talking to her, naming reasons why she was far from useless. It was hard to make out individual lines in the cacophony of praises, harder still to disagree with them. A little bit of confidence sparked within Celestia. She lifted her hooves signaling the ponies to quiet down.
“Alright, alright! Let's assume I'm not useless... but isn't Twilight Sparkle more adequate to rule than me?”
Starswirl put a hoof on her shoulder.
“Even IF she was, that's only because you made her competent! Start being sensible again, little Sun!”
Celestia felt touched. All those faces smiling at her... but she still shook her head.
“That doesn't change the fact I doomed us all... If it weren't for my insecurities, this would not have happened. It IS my fault… just like countless other things...”
“Oh, I get it now!” Luna said.
Everypony looked at her in silence. The Night Princess just kept looking at her sister ...with a little smirk on her face.
“So, you think it's your insecurity that made this happen?”
Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“Um... yes?”
“I disagree, Sister! The real problem here is you feeling guilty!”
“For a good reason!”
“TIA, if there's anypony who works their plot off doing good for this world, it's YOU!”
“Language, Luna! There's a foal present!”
“And if there's anypony that does their best to correct mistakes, it's also YOU!”
“You think too highly of me! And it's Twilight who always cleans up the mess!”
“AND YOU THINK DEAR TWILIGHT NEVER MAKES A MESS?!”
“Okay, I admit...”
“AND DOES SHE MOAN AROUND IN SELF-LOATHING?! DOES SHE DROWN IN GUILT?!”
“Well... um... you see... uh… thing is...um… no.”
“Sister, listen to me: You can't feel guilty for your mistakes forever! You must forgive yourself! That's an important lesson I’ve learnt with the Tantabus.”
Celestia blinked.
“Tanta-what?”
Luna gulped.
“Oh...! So you don't... Um... I propose a deal, Sister: Don't ever ask about the Tantabus and I won't ask about the missing piece of the Moon.”
Celestia's eyes went wide. Then she started to sweat, looked away and chuckled nervously.
“O-oh... tee hee... a deal it is then.”
Luna made a stern face again.
“Anyway...
STOP FEELING GUILTY!!! YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS!!! GROW SOME… WELL-DESERVED SELF-ESTEEM!!!”
she said in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
Everypony aside from Luna rubbed their ears. Celestia looked around.
“My little ponies... do you think the same? Even though I can't help you?”
“WHAAAAT..?” shouted somepony from further back.
“We could never forget what you already did for us, Princess!” another pony said.
A foal came forth and smiled at the princess.
“You'll help us! You always do!”
A moment of silence. A tear ran down Celestia's cheek and reached her smiling mouth. She stood up for good and flared her giant wings. Her feelings of insecurity and guilt melted in the fire of her newfound confidence.
“Fine, my little ponies. If it was insecurity that brought forth Daybreaker, then it shall be confidence that brings her down! In whatever way it may be!”
Something deep inside her head felt like cracking. And surprisingly, Starswirl felt it too!
“Hold on!”
He came close to Celestia, tipping his horn on her head. With some of the little magic he had left, he still managed to cast a simple scanning spell. After a few seconds he stopped... and a characteristic, wide grin formed on his now cocky face.
“Ahhh... I see!”
Everypony looked at him, puzzled. Especially the Princess of the Sun.
“What? What is it?!”
“Well, my little Sun, I fear we have been deceived!”
“We what?!”
The old sage smugly stroked his beard.
“Ho ho... As a matter of fact, that fiery brute has not taken ALL of your power! Presumably because it would have been too much to take the energy of the whole SUN at once. That also seems to be the reason why she did not dispose of you.”
Celestia was confused.
“B-But... I felt so weak after she'd left! I still do!”
“Only...” he tipped a hoof at her head “...because she put a deception-spell on your brain. It makes you feel weak, even though you're not, and it seems to be fueled by self-doubt. I noticed it because your burst of confidence had damaged the enchantment.”
Luna’s protective instincts kicking in, she gasped in anger.
“Augh! That lousy lying bi-”
“I can easily break the spell!” Starswirl interrupted.
His horn started to glow.
“...And there's no time to waste!”
Starswirl's horn touched Celestia’s head again, but after a moment of hesitation he said with a wry smile.
“Hm… seems like I’ll need some help here.”
He turned to the crowd.
“Everypony! What your princess needs now is more confidence in herself! Praise her! Praise her like there’s no tomorrow! BECAUSE otherwise there indeed WON’T be a tomorrow!”
They did not need to be told twice!
“You are so beautiful! Like, woah momma!”
“Your muzzle is the most shapely in Equestria! I bet you can get all the jam from any jar!”
“And your buttocks are the roundest! I could just-” A sudden slap on the back of the head by a vigilant wife was enough to cool that one down.
“(singing) And then I saw yer face! Now I’m a believer!”
“I once saw you blow away an ursa major just by sneezing!” (Celestia cursed in her thoughts, up till now thinking nopony saw that one)
“When you say ‘have a nice day’ you mean it LITERALLY!”
“I just moved here, but you’re okay, I guess...”
...among many other things.
The princess flushed bright red and covered her face, but aside from the embarrassment, her confidence could not help but rise more and more. When it reached a certain level, Celestia suddenly felt as if glass was shattering within her mind. And following that...
“I... l feel fine again! And...” she dipped into her well of power “...I am sure this will be more than enough to level the field now!”
The crowd was silent for a moment. Then they started cheering.
“Yeah! Go Princess!”, "Kick her flank!", “Show ‘er who’s boss!”, "Avenge the fountain!" were the most popular cries.
The cheering was interrupted by a lengthy, steaming object that fell from the sky and smacked on the ground to their side. It was the Spirit of Chaos, fried crispy brown… like a sausage. He looked miserable and his face expression was empty. If it weren't for his groaning, he would've appeared dead. Celestia gasped, dashed over to him and picked him up in her arms.
“DISCORD!!!”
The scorched draconeequs weakly lifted his eagle claw.
“I don't feel so good...”
He snapped his talons, which crumbled to dust, just like the rest of his body, and was blown away in the wind.
Celestia just stared at her empty hooves, mouth agape and tears welling up in her eyes. Luna came to her side, unimpressed.
“Meh! He can pull himself together! Eventually...”
“Even so, it must be very painful being burnt!” Celestia said.
Her ears flopped.
“This is my fault...”
Luna slapped her on the back of her head, bringing the white alicorn to her senses.
“TIA! What did I just tell you about feeling guilty?!”
Celestia grinned sheepishly and blushed.
“Oh, sorry! You're right!”
She stood up, flared her wings once again and narrowed her eyes.
“Now I'll do something I won't feel guilty about!”
She took off into the air, so fast that she left an after image.
Tempest, who had come round long ago and has been listening to the conversation from the ground, looked at her and smirked.
“Finally fighting back, huh? Kick her flank for me too, will ya!”
***
Thousands of feet up in the night sky.
Daybreaker hovered in the air looking down with a devilish smirk on her face.
“Was that already too much for you, Dissy? Hm… guess that’s all I can get for now, so… goodbye Canterlot!”
The fiery alicorn’s horn started to glow with unmatched intensity, ready to throw down a solar flare. Then, suddenly, something white flew up with incredible speed and came to a halt abruptly right in front of her. Daybreaker was honestly surprised and deactivated her magic.
“Oh… it’s you!”
Celestia stared into her eyes sternly.
“Yes, me! And you in a way, I guess.”
They kept looking at each other for a while, but then Daybreaker huffed.
“Huh… wouldn’t have thought you’d ever recover.”
“You’ve deceived me! You did not take all of my power!”
“I honestly thought you’d be too occupied with sobbing to notice.”
“Well, if it weren’t for my friends you would have succeeded. As for my power, I still have quite a bit left, and BY ME, am I going to use it to destroy YOU!”
Daybreaker just stared at her, wide eyed.
She couldn’t believe what was happening. A kind of twisted hope emerged in her evil heart.
“Are you…? Are you FINALLY showing some guts…?”
A genuinely warm smile started to form on her lips and a tear of joy was readying itself to travel down her cheek.
“You are going to actually fight me?”
“Unless…” Celestia continued.
Daybreaker went silent for a moment. Then she moaned very loudly in annoyance AND disappointment.
Celestia kept talking, confirming what Daybreaker feared.
“…Unless we talk it out. Nice and friendly!”
Daybreaker’s flaming hair flared violently with her rage.
“NNNYAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH!!! WHY CAN’T YOU STOP BEING SUCH A TEA-TIME-PRINCESS?!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL WHAT’S UNHOLY!!! I’M SO SICK OF BEING CALLED A WEAKLING BECAUSE OF YOU!!!”
Daybreaker’s belly grumbled and she held it with her hoof.
“Ugh… Your disgusting softness gives me constipation!”
Celestia slightly raised her eyebrows.
“Oh? So that’s what this all is about?”
She shook her head.
“For somepony who is so obsessed with strength, it must be painfully ironic to be born out of feelings of inferiority. I honestly thought being called weak and useless doesn’t affect me, but apparently it all trickled down into my subconsciousness… forming you.”
Daybreaker did not care for Celestia’s explanations.
“WILL YOU FIGHT ME PROPERLY OR NOT?!!!”
“No. Not as long we can talk.”
“THEN I’LL MAKE YOU FIGHT ME!!!”
With a swift but immeasurably powerful, scythe-like strike of her hoof, which Celestia could only dodge thanks to accelerating to equally high speed, Daybreaker decapitated a massive mountain range not far away, forever changing part of the landscape around Canterlot. The tops of the mountains crumbled into millions of orange-glowing boulders, which in turn dissipated into sparkling dust and drops of molten slag. The horizon was filled with countless little dots, as if trying to rival Luna’s night sky, but then the glow faded away into darkness. Once Celestia had checked her memory regarding the population of those mountains (zero to her knowledge) she let out a sigh of relief. She turned back to Daybreaker, who was still huffing smoke in anger.
Celestia’s expression was rather soft; ‘Diplomatic’ one might say.
“Please, hear me out! You are part of me! I realized I should not have neglected you. I tried to be perfect for everypony… but I am not made of stone. I too feel anger, pride and other needs that I’m ashamed of. I’ve always felt guilty for giving in to them or using force. I thought that I somehow betrayed my ponies’ trust whenever I was not absolutely perfect for them. But that’s over now… I will work on these issues and indulge more in my basic needs. My wonderful friends have shown me that I will not be hated for being a little… savage sometimes. Listen: If you come back into my mind and stay there, I promise you, I give you my word, that I won’t neglect YOU, my darker side, anymore! Please! I… I… um… might even give Heavy Metal another go!”
Celestia gave Daybreaker a sheepish smile. The fiery alicorn only got angrier.
“YOU HYPOCRITE!!! YOU SAY THAT, YET YOU WON’T FIGHT ME?!!!”
“Um… that’s right.”
“AAAAAAARGH!!!”
Daybreaker threw herself higher up into the sky and then shot her whole body down at Celestia as a brightly glowing projectile with near light speed. The princess was able to dodge by using the same technique. The shining Daybreaker-bullet missed its target and immediately dived into the ground far below. She was so fast and so loaded with energy, that there wasn’t even an explosion. She went right through the earth like a hot needle through butter. In a heartbeat, the highly charged alicorn reached the planet’s core and shortly after the surface on the other side of the globe. She came to a stop in the sky above Sowstralia, gritted her teeth in anger and then shot back in the same manner as she had previously, making another narrow tunnel right through the planet. A moment later, back in Equestria, she halted at Celestia’s side, bearing her pointy teeth.
“Stop. Fleeing. And. FIGHT ME!!! BE A MARE!!!”
Celestia tried to conjure up a calm smile.
“I’ll be a mare when you stop being a foal. C’mon! If you come back to me, I… um… I will start writing mean anonymous comments in the newspapers, just to upset some ponies! How about that?”
Another sheepish grin, like a mother trying to calm her angry child. Daybreaker looked at Celestia unamused and suddenly shot a massive bright beam in her direction. Knowing that would probably be the case, the princess was ready and could dodge the attack in time. The beam shot beyond the horizon, coming close to the ocean. It plowed through the massive body of water, evaporating immense amounts of fluid, carving a temporary, thousands of miles long trench, that split the sea. Many unfortunate fish (and some whales) were fried crispy and some islands crumbled due to the beam’s proximity. After it had dissipated, the walls of the water trench came crashing down, closing the ocean once again.
Meanwhile, above Canterlot, the face-off between Princess Celestia and Daybreaker continued. Well, mostly by Celestia attempting to use appeasement-policy.
“If you come back, I… uh… I will buy lots of dirty magazines! Think of it: Many revealing pictures of beefy and naughty stallions!”
She wriggled her eyebrows.
Daybreaker hesitated. That was, in her opinion, the best offer so far…
…but no!
“IT’S STILL NOT WORTH IT! FIGHT ME!!!”
“Oh come on! I see you are at least a little bit intere-”
Before Celestia could finish the sentence, Daybreaker kicked her in the stomach from below. The force throwing Celestia high above Canterlot and into space, created such a sudden Sonic Rainboom that it took physics a moment to catch up before it actually boomed to the fullest. Fortunately, since no culture on the Equestrian continent used electricity to a high extent, the wave of electromagnetic energy now encircling the globe went by mostly unnoticed when it hit the surface. That is, except for the unlucky griffon scientist, who had just decided to build the first electrical machine on Equus. Now it was also the first broken electrical machine on Equus.
Meanwhile, Celestia shot through the empty void of Space until she hit a huge asteroid. Shortly after, Daybreaker reached the large space rock too, grabbed it, and lunged it towards the dark side of the Moon. Celestia managed to climb out of the fissure and hop off of the rock just before it crashed right into the giant trench the Princess had accidentally created during her training. The humongous mass of rock crumbled and more than filled the trench, topping it with a neat little mountain chain. Upon seeing this, Celestia could but smile. Now she wouldn’t have to feel guilty about it anymore and could ask Luna what the ‘Teentabuss’ actually was. She then sidestepped, knowing what was to follow, thus managing to effortlessly dodge Daybreaker’s punch. What she didn’t think through was that said punch would now hit the lunar surface further away …producing a new trench, just as big as the former one (which made Starswirl jump in surprise when Luna suddenly yelped, clinging to her buttocks). Celestia facehoofed.
“AUGH! Just my luck!” she would have said to herself, if sound could travel in the void of Space.
Daybreaker flew towards her foe again, like a snarling combination of a phoenix and a vicious roc. Celestia tried to distance herself from her, but the evil alicorn followed the princess around the Moon, through the empty gap to Equus and back into Canterlot’s airspace.
When they did arrive, the white alicorn suddenly stopped, holding a hoof up, signaling Daybreaker to stop as well. The two hovered in the air with the evil alicorn still huffing in anger.
“What if I introduced spanking as punishment at my school for gifted unicorns…?” asked the princess.
“STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! WHY WON’T YOU GET IT?! IT’S EXACTLY THIS APPEASING BEHAVIOR I HATE! YOU ALWAYS WANT TO TALK, BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO MUCH OF A SISSY TO STAND YOUR GROUND! AND WHENEVER YOU ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING, YOU WHINE AROUND AND FEEL GUILTY! THAT’S HOW WE GOT THIS DEMEANING REPUTATION AS A WEAKLING!!!”
Celestia’s expression became more serious again.
“Really? You still haven’t noticed, that nopony sees us that way? At least nopony worthwhile, that is…”
“THEY ARE STILL THINKING IT!”
“Come on, have some faith in them! How about a hug?” Celestia said, smiling motherly and spreading her arms.
Daybreaker almost cried from frustration.
“You know what? Fine! Just keep being a coward! I will make sure no pony will ever think of me as weak again… BECAUSE THERE WON’T BE ANYPONY LEFT TO THINK THAT!!!”
She took off higher into the air and charged herself with all the power she had. She started shining so brightly one might mistake her for a second sun as the night swiftly changed to midday.
“I WILL BLOW UP THE WHOLE PLANET AND THEN LOOK FOR ANOTHER ONE!!!” she roared in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
Celestia just looked up at her, her eyes not blinded due to her familiarity with the Sun. Then she sighed.
“I guess there’s nothing I can do then…”
Daybreaker yanked her body towards the earth, ready to fire her planet-busting doomsday-laser.
“SUNDOWN, MOTHERBUCKERS!!!”
Celestia just lifted her hoof and focused on her foe.
“One confident punch…”
The Punch Line
For the spectators on the ground, not only in Canterlot but also for a thousand miles around, the final showdown lasted for only an instant. Most of the ponies weren’t able to look directly at the spectacle anyway. In the blink of an eye, there was suddenly a new Sun in the sky, it flashed even brighter for a fraction of a second and then, just like that,it was gone. Everypony on the ground questioned if anything had actually happened at all.
However, since this is a written story, we can just rewind the clock and look at the events in slow motion:
(sbp = seconds before the punch)
0.000021 sbp
Daybreaker fires her hyper charged, planet destroying beam down towards Celestia.
0.000009 sbp
Celestia thinks one more time about different solutions to this problem. Twilight’s letters come to her mind.
0.000004 sbp
Daybreaker’s beam is about two feet away from Celestia. She can feel her face getting warmer.
0.000001 sbp
Celestia decides that she really has no other choice and throws her punch, deflecting Daybreaker’s beam.
0.00000001 sbp
Daybreaker has Celestia’s hoof in front of her and mildly regrets her life decisions …but only a little.
0.00003 seconds after the punch
The concentrated force of the princess’ punch has disintegrated most of Daybreaker’s body.
Back to normal speed.
If anyone had been able to perceive it, they’d have noticed the gravitational wave that expanded into all directions. It was perceived eventually, a few million years later by an advanced civilization countless light years away.
Just after the punch, it was calm again. The ponies on the ground, including Luna, Starswirl and Tempest, blinked. Then they looked at each other with facial expressions that unanimously said “What the buck…?” and “Did I miss something?”.
***
A few moments later, on Mount Canterhorn, high above Canterlot City.
If most of the clouds hadn’t been blown away, as per custom, Celestia would have placed what was left of Daybreaker on one. Instead, the princess put her evil counterpart’s still living ‘body’ on the mountain’s summit. Celestia stood over the evil alicorn in a non-threatening manner and Daybreaker, now reduced to a scorched skeleton without limbs, weakly looked at her slayer with two orange glowing dots in her eye sockets. When she spoke, it was with an unreal, demonic voice, even though a meek one.
“Heh… I knew you had it in you.”
Celestia tried to show no emotions.
“I’m sorry it had to be like this.”
“Don’t be! That’s how it all started!” Daybreaker responded with a hint of mirth.
Celestia looked slightly away.
“Yes… you’re right about that. I shouldn’t be.”
“It took a lot of effort… but I finally got you to really fight. It was worth it! I had fun!”
“Yeah, it really was a hard fight and--”
“Lies.” the smitten evil alicorn interrupted her.
“Not a single time did you bare your fangs! All I could steal from you, was a tiny fraction of your power!”
Celestia did not respond outright. She was caught being insincere and there was no point in denying it. If Daybreaker had been able to, she would have smiled. Instead, she chuckled. Not an evil chuckle. More of a proud one.
“You’ve finally shown them all! Should’ve done it a thousand years ago... Better late than never, right?”
“I guess you might be right about that too…”
The scorched skeleton started to crumble and the orange glowing eye-dots started to dim.
“Stay hot, Celly! Heh heh heh…”
Daybreaker fizzled away, her mind destroyed, but her basic essence, some might call a soul, went back into the Princess of the Sun. The diarch silently kept standing on the summit for a while. Even if Daybreaker was a monster, she was still part of her.
Celestia felt sorrow …but no guilt.
***
During the following days, everything returned back to normal (‘normal’ for Equestrian standards). After all, the damage Daybreaker had caused to the infrastructure was mostly restricted to Canterlot Plaza and a few roofs around it. Aside from that, the citizens were more than used to monster attacks and the like. The whole story, how Daybreaker came to be and how she was eventually stopped, was made public. Celestia had no intentions of hiding anything regarding her power problems anymore.
As before, instead of frightening the ponies of Equestria, the princess’ display of power (or rather: easy neutralization of Daybreaker’s power) caused another wave of popularity and merchandise sales. There were still critics who believed that it had all been “for plot-convinience”, but for the most part the citizens felt proud of and protected by their beloved Sun Princess.
There were however some ponies who missed the (literally) smoking hot mare they’d witnessed lolling on the Canterlot Plaza’s fountain. There were also obviously some requests addressed to Princess Luna for some steamy dreams involving the evil alicorn. Rejected requests!
As for the other three heroes, Fizzlepop Berrytwist, Starswirl the Bearded and Princess Luna, they were awarded for their courage the following day. The latter protested vehemently, but Celestia wouldn’t hear a ‘no’ for an answer. The trio was honored by the Sun Princess in a huge (some might say pompous) ceremony in the throne room. The three heroes walked, awkwardly, along the red carpet towards the dais, hundreds of saluting royal guards to their sides. When they stopped in front of Celestia, the white alicorn smiled warmly and hung medals of honor around their necks (Luna gave her a wink, when it was her turn). The whole event was musically accompanied by the ending theme of the first Star Horse movie.
Starswirl apologized in private for not believing her when she’d told him as a filly that Rockhoof ate her homework. She didn’t know why he came up with this now, but was grateful anyway and gladly forgave him... again, since she was never one to hold a grudge for longer than a few days.
But what about the fourth hero? What about Discord?
Of course, Celestia wanted to honor him the same way as the other three, but the poor Spirit of Chaos was still far from recovering and once he was able to move again, he seemed to be afraid of meeting the princess and avoided any sort of encounter. What could be the reason?, Celestia wondered.
And what about the helpful royal guard? The wielder of the plunger? The plunger that saved them all? Well, he was also to be honored, but was way too humble to take part in the ceremony. However, the princess insisted on knighting him ...with said plunger.
Celestia felt really bad for not knowing his name, since that had never happened before with any other guard, for goodness sake! She corrected the oversight discreetly by looking his name up in the castle’s employee files.
His name was Royal...
Royal Guard.
A ‘royal facehoof’ followed.
In the following days, a number of other events unfolded:
-To everypony’s surprise, former Dragonlord Torch showed up at Canterlot Castle’s doorstep to apologize for his earlier actions. He avoided eye-contact and rubbed his arm while doing so, like a little boy caught stealing a cookie. Celestia later learnt that after the beating she had given him, Torch ran to his daughter Ember (crying) and told her everything, but instead of getting her support, the new Dragonlord chewed him out for his bratty behavior and forced him to go to Canterlot and rectify their otherwise good relationship with the ponies.
-After closer investigation, the strange shooting star that had recently fallen down from the sky turned out to be the former Queen of the Changelings. Incapacitated, she was taken into custody in the nearby hospital’s emergency ward.
-Since the second Moon trench was not Celestia’s doing, the issue never came up between the royal sisters. At least, not until a fitting asteroid was unlucky enough to show up a bit too close to the satellite.
-Secret Intelligence Service reports revealed to the princesses that the legendary demon Grogar had risen again, after millennia following his defeat by Gusty the Great. He had assembled a terrifying army of giant monsters and was ready to attack Equestria, but then he witnessed the titanic fight between Celestia and Daybreaker in his crystal orb and suffice to say, had many a second thought about the whole endeavour. Just like him, his assembled monstrosities also had doubts about attacking the alicorn head on, and one by one sneaked away, never to be seen again.
-The only monsters dumb enough to attack Equestria at the time, were Rodan and Ghidorah (they apparently had a bet running with Mothra). The duo quickly regretted their decision to confront Celestia, after regaining consciousness a few kilometres underground, next to the shell of a former Reaper spaceship. Celestia still felt bad about what she had to do and her guts responded accordingly, but it was a lot less of a problem than before. After all, they did threaten her ponies in one way or another. The princess was clearly on the right path to work her bowel problem out.
A little more than a week after the Daybreaker-incident, Twilight returned from her vacation, which she had spent on a tropical island in perfect isolation. Unfortunately, Celestia was not fast enough to intercept her and explain everything that had happened in her absence in a calm, soothing and delicate manner. Twilight learnt what happened from a newspaper she had bought at the first train station ...and froze into a vegetative state.
The perfectly still purple alicorn was brought to the castle, causing great worry among its inhabitants. When Celestia saw the purple mare, she just sighed and reassured everypony that Twilight would eventually snap out of it. The Sun Princess had experience with the matter, since it had already happened twelve times before.
“Just wrap her in a safety blanket and prepare some empathy cocoa when she wakes up.”
***
Two weeks after the incident
Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle were sitting in the same cozy room where the younger princess had confronted her mentor about the whole power-issue a few months back. The older princess sipped her tea, smiling calmly.
“You know, Twilight, even though this laxative tea seems to have no effect on me, it still tastes delicious! It’s unfortunate that you can’t try it without causing an... ‘avalanche’…”
Twilight, who had recently awoken from her coma just to have mistaken the special tea with her empathy cocoa, was still a bit shaky and had a forced, squiggly smile on her face.
“Y-Yeah, what a... pity... A-And how are you doing, Princess? Is everything really all right...?”
Celestia nodded with a warm smile.
“Don’t you worry about me, my faithful student! I’m fine and very grateful for the experience you have provided. It was a bit bumpy here and there, but the realm seems to have benefitted from it greatly”
“W-What about the world almost ending?!”
“Nothing of what happened in the past few weeks is your fault, Twilight…” the older princess lied.
“If it weren’t for all the trouble I went through, I wouldn’t have learned anything! Pretty much like you when I sent you on all of your friendship missions!”
Celestia winked, Twilight blinked.
The older alicorn continued.
“I can tackle my problem now, at least somewhat, and be the protector Equestria needs. However, I still have a long way ahead of me... Handling recent monster attacks still causes me to... um... tighten up, but gladly it’s now down to a few days! Thanks to my friends, I’ve learnt that I have to let go of my feelings of guilt. It’s easier said than done, though I will approach the issue in any way I can. For example, a very calm and friendly pony named Treehugger is giving me lessons in relaxation! I admit though… she might be a little too calm… and absent minded… and creeping me out... *Sigh*... Baby steps... Baby steps...”
Twilight felt a bit more relieved, realizing her mentor apparently really had things under control.
“Okay, Princess! Phew... Well, actually, I am pretty sure I’ve come across a way to solve your constipation-issues much faster!”
Celestia’s eyes went wide with hope.
“Are you sure? For realsies?”
“Yes. I did some medical research during my vacation--”
“Twilight!”" Celestia interrupted.
“I told you to relax, young lady!”
Twilight shook her head.
“Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh no! It really wasn’t an effort. In fact, researching IS relaxing for me!”
Celestia blinked.
“Oh... how could I forget...? Tell me then, Twilight, what did you find?” she asked eagerly.
Twilight smirked.
“Well, there is a tiny side note in chapter seven of this ‘Encyclopedia of Gastric Grudges’...”
The young alicorn levitated said book over to her mentor.
“...l could just tell you, but I figured you might want to read it yourself.”
Twilight’s magic flipped the book open on the relevant page.
“It’s the footnote at the bottom, Princess.”
Celestia smiled at her former student.
“Thank you, Twilight! Now let’s see what you’ve found...”
The footnote read:
‘Constipation in ponies is often caused by excessive consumption of pastries. Therefore, in order to guarantee a complete recovery, it is recommended to cease the consumption of cake or other baked goods altogether.’
Celestia’s stared at the book, expression dead and empty.
“Ok.”
In the next 0.02 seconds, the book was obliterated into free-floating atoms, which in turn were now well on their way out of the Solar System.
Silence.
Staring student.
Huffing mentor.
And all of that with just one punch.
THE END
Author's Notes:
Thank you all very much for reading this story!
I hope you enjoyed it!Special thanks to my editor DracoBlair and to EquestriaStories for their help!