Chapter 40X: Sutures Trying to Heal

The rain is dripping off my horn and I can feel it starting to soak through underneath my rain tarp and into my barding. Part of me is glad for this as it means the others cannot see where my tears have fallen. As I watch the lightning flash across the night sky, I know I should get back in the wagon to help get the wounded ready for the next leg of travel they will be making. We are saying goodbye to friends and family of the civilian caravan as we send them on to Manesville with us to protect them.

I know Mollygirl won’t say it, but I have a feeling she does not think most of us will survive the next couple of days. Of course, after today, well after today I can’t blame her for feeling that way. Today was the worst day for the CEF so far, and the worst one for me so far personally.

I have used my magic to heal ever since I was a filly. I have taken pride in my ability to use it to save lives. It has never been easy being a combat medic, but today, today I failed myself, I failed to stay true to my Ministry of Peace oath. Instead of using my magic to save lives, today I took them. Sure, I could claim self-defense, but how? I volunteered to stand with the others and stopped the hearts of healthy ponies who were attacking us. I have used this spell so many times before to save lives, now, I threw away what made me special and used it as a weapon. This was not like using my shotgun or a pistol to defend myself and my patient, no, this was using my magic to take lives. To make them pay for attacking us and killing my friends and fellow soldiers.

As I sit there in the rain, I think back to what has led me to this point. It may sound funny to some, but I would do almost anything for her or Archer. They were the first two ponies to ever love me unconditionally that were not my parents. I always felt like an outsider growing up, even when the others welcomed me, but not with those two, they made me feel welcomed and one of the herd. Even Mollygirl’s spouses followed her lead and made me feel comfortable with them. But my black coat with a charcoal mane and tail did not help me to fit in either, especially when so many others are brightly colored. Even Magpie with her red coat, black mane and tail has her white blanket on her rear that makes her more exotic.

Its not easy growing up in Manesville as a unicorn either. My parents kept insisting it was my duty to marry a unicorn and have unicorn foals. Most of the ponies in the Co-op being earthponies, they always thought we should have the brute strength they have or be able to use all kinds of magic. They never thought we lacked mentors to teach us some of the more advanced skills. I guess I had a hoof up in getting into the medical fields with my mom being a midwife. There are not nearly as many as we need and I have considered becoming one, even before I joined the Guard, I had thought about it, but I joined the Guard after the second year of bad crops, my mother said it would be a time of hunger coming up and that I would eat better then most if I joined. So, I listened to my mother, enlisted and was made a combat medic.

It is as a combat medic that I feel like I have shown my true abilities. No pony doubts me when I show up, in fact they are very grateful and appreciate me and what I do. There is very little that can compete with the feeling you get when you save a life, especially when you know that pony would not have survived if you had not been there.

That being said, when you lose one, they take a piece of you with them. I have lost patients before; I would be lying if I said otherwise after eight years in service. But it never gets easier. Losing Nugget today about put me over the edge to tell the truth. I have seen her around for years, but only got to really know her on the expedition. However, her daughters Ginger and Dusty, now them I really got to know, and care about. They are like family and seeing how much it hurt them to lose their mother, now that is what got me. The others I lost today all hurt, but I did not see the direct effect of their deaths upon their families. Nugget, now hers I did.

It was almost as bad as when we lost Ivy and Epona, and almost lost my Mollygirl. Yes, my Mollygirl. Just like Archer is my Archer. I was already attracted to her back then, but never could bring myself to make a move. Then when we went on a mission, I found out she was already with Magpie and Badger. I was stunned and hurt. I could not believe it. I had finally decided to make an effort only to find that out. So, I backed off, only to later see her add Ivy to the mix. I had to wonder if I had missed my chance to be with her again. It was almost a relief to me though when I got assigned to her troop, especially when I was with her squad during the farm duty.

When Ivy and Epona were murdered, I did my best to save Mollygirl, I never fought so hard to save a life before and succeeded. But I was able to save her. It was while she was in a coma that I first really met Archer. Again, I had seen him around for years, even when in school I saw him, but he never looked at me back then.

Then it happened one day, I was going to the Manesville hospital to check on Mollygirl’s condition so I could let Badger and Bullet know. As I was leaving Archer stopped me and began to talk to me as more than just a fellow soldier or student. I will never forget it.

“Hello, excuse me miss, Sutures isn’t it?” Archer asked me.

“Oh, yes, Your Cadet Archer aren’t you sir?”

He smiled at me, “Please, just call me Archer. I want to thank you for saving Mollygirl. She and I used to be in the same squad, so I feel a special bond to her.”

As I went to reply I noticed his smile and those eyes of his, sure he wears those goddess awful glasses of his, but his eyes sparkled. “No problem Archer, she is a very special mare, and I was happy to help.”

“So, you are a friend of hers too then?” he asked me.

“I would like to think so, at least,” I told him.

“If you are a friend of hers and with all you have done, how about you join me for dinner sometime?”

I look at him and see that he is serious, “You know what, I would love that Archer. I come off of farm duty in two more days though,”

“So, my young mare, what would you like for dinner tonight?” he asks me.

“Archer, I would be happy going anywhere with you, so please choose and I will not complain.”

From there we went to dinner at the Paddock. We had a nice supper and enjoyed each other’s company. While Archer had dated regularly before, I had only had a couple of dates. So, I was very surprised when he asked me out again.

“Archer, I would be more than happy to go out with you again.”

“Excellent, shall I meet you in Dairyanne, perhaps we can just grab a burger or something at the local pub.”

“That would be great,” I tell him, I could hardly contain myself I was so excited at the prospect of going out with him again. “I will meet you there,” I told him and without thinking gave him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then I trotted off back to the squad and Captain Abby.

I reminisce about how Archer and I began to date after that. Every chance we could get we spent together. He was and is my first real coltfriend, and the only stallion I have ever let make me his. Archer had me keep it discreet at first his being an officer and me enlisted. It was so hard not to tell somepony, anypony.

I still remember that day I was heading back to the stable and ran into Mollygirl as she was coming out heading to Sumac’s, I guess. She was always spending time with Badger, Magpie and them, she seemed to barely have time to talk even.

“Hey Stiches, good to see you tonight. How’s it going?” She called to me. Back then she always seemed to call me by my nickname of Stiches, it made it so much more special when she started to use my proper name later.

Without thinking I answered her, “Oh, Hi Mollygirl. Not too bad. Just on my way for a date with my favorite buck.”

This got her ears to go forward. I know she was interested as everpony seemed to know I had not dated much yet.

“Really Stitches, who would that be?” She asked me.

All I could say to her was, “Mollygirl, I cannot tell you right now, he and I are keeping it on the down low as he is an officer and well, you know how some of them get. I mean it’s not like you and Badger who have known each other forever.”

She smiled at me. Then told me, “Ok, I can understand that. But I want to be one of the first to know when you guys come out as a couple, ok. Hey after all you are my favorite medic.”

I had to smile back at her and tease her some, “Oh is that all I am good for, to save your sorry life, and I thought we were friends,” I told her and gave her a gentle nudge.

She then reassured me and put a hoof on my shoulder as she told me “That we are Stiches. However, I literally owe you my life now too. By the way how far does your teleportation spell go for.”

She caught me off guard with this question as I really don’t do it often as it uses a lot of magic for me, “Mollygirl only a couple of hundred yards. I am much better at healing spells than that one. Why, are you running late again?”

She looked embarrassed and blushed, “Sorry, just cutting it really close is all. I am heading to Sumacs for dinner with everyone.”

I smiled again at her, “Sounds like a good time, tell everyone I said hi. Let Sumac know that if I can help her at all I will. Ok? Now you better get moving, talk to you later Mollygirl.”

The next time Archer and I got to spend with Mollygirl was shortly after the Maripony event. We all were afraid it was going to happen again. That was a night we celebrated just being alive. We went out for dinner and dancing where we ran into Mollygirl, Badger and Magpie as well as Dusty and her now deceased husband Chance. He was such a kind young buck.

At the end of the night when we were leaving Archer and I both gave Mollygirl a hug at the same time. I don’t know if she realizes even to this day how much the two of us care for her, even back then.

It seems like a lifetime ago that she was there for me after the battle of the stable. She let me cry on her shoulder about the troopers I could not save. I had never lost so many of mine, in one day before, not just wounded but killed. She helped me to gather myself together and start helping others again when all I wanted to do was sit there and cry.

I was so relieved when she asked me to come help her with her one wounded flier that had been shot down. It showed how she really did still believe in me. It also helped me regain my self confidence as I saved Faith and helped to bring her back to the stable.

That is another moment I will never forget, when we brought Faith to medical in the stable. I was stunned at all the bodies lying everywhere. Both living and dead, ours and theirs. We had just gotten there when one of the doctors I have known since I joined up looks at us and tells us “Oh, another of them, put her to the side, we will deal with her when we get done with our own.”

I could not believe what I was hearing. This mare had risked her life and was dying and he dared say this not only to me, but loud enough for her to hear it. I did something I never imagined myself doing, I drew my weapon on a superior officer, I was ready to kill him then and there, and I let him know it as I told him, “She is one of ours, you son of a faithless bitch. You either help her, or I swear I will end you now. I am not losing another patient to time.”

I saw the fear in his eyes and part of me was glad for it. Let him know what it feels like to have a gun pointed at you while all around you ponies are dying or screaming in pain. In a panic he tells us, “I’m sorry, but we are so underponied right now.”

That is when Charity let the doctor know he was trained as a nurse before he was made a Dashite. I then put my pistol away and told them, “I will assist also, if you will let me. But she needs help as soon as possible.”

The doctor then told us to go get washed up and into some scrubs, to assist them with the rest of the wounded as well as Faith. We did, we were up most of that night doing it. However, I did take one break. After we got done saving Faith, I went out and told Mollygirl the news and her prognosis. I saw the pain in her face when she realized Faith would never walk again on all fours. This cemented my feeling for her, as she not only cared about them when they were fighting for her, but also afterwards and she was not upset to lose a flier, she was upset at what Faith had lost.

It was at this point I felt I could trust her enough to talk to her about what I had experienced that day. She never interrupted, she never judged, she just listened. She was there when I needed her most. After Our talk I went back to work. But that memory will always stay with me.

The first time Archer and I really kissed Mollygirl was the night of the wetting down party. On our way home that night I kissed her, Magpie and to my surprise, Badger. Archer only kissed the mares, but he also gave a hug to Badger. We had all had a few too many that night, so I guess it made it possible for us to take that chance and do it.

When word came down about the expedition being launched, I was excited to hear that Mollygirl would be one of the officers for D-troop. I knew this meant I could spend more time with her. It is strange I guess that as we spent more time together, I fell for her more each day, as did Archer. We did not want to take her from Badger and Magpie, but instead we wanted to share her life and her love. Eventually he and I talked about it and decided to offer a group marriage. To form a herd with them. We both wrote letters to Badger and Magpie proposing this arrangement. However, we also made clear that Mollygirl was still faithful to them.

I am still mortified at the way I acted when Ginger and Xochitl told everypony that a spirt had told Mollygirl she was pregnant. I mean she had been telling me and Archer she had to remain faithful until she got a reply from home. But I knew, or thought I knew that every mare or cow had been tested to make sure they weren’t pregnant before we left Manesville. I was devastated to say the least. Archer refused to discuss it with me at that point. When I tested her and we found out for certain she was pregnant, I confronted her about it. I was devastated to think she would lie to me about something like that.

That is when I found out she had never been tested before. I still am embarrassed at how relieved I felt when she told me that. It meant she had not misled and rejected me as well as Archer. I was so excited for her then. Unfortunately, I also had to notify the command as well as Doc Treacle. He was not amused at all.

“What do you mean the LT is pregnant?” He asked me.

“Just that sir. She should be showing in another month or two.”

“Specialist Sutures, tell me how she, much less the medical department of the CDF could not know she was pregnant before we left,” he tells me as he rubs his temple with a hoof while his eyes are closed.

“Doctor, the technician back at the stable told her she did not need one due to her previous injuries. The lieutenant took her at her word that she could not be, so she just thought this was her new normal post injury.”

“Specialist, do you really believe her on this story?”

“Yes, sir I do, she has no reason to lie about it. I even know she was not expecting to ever be able to carry a foal after it.”

“Very well, keep me informed will you,” He tells me, I can hear the frustration and weariness in his voice.

I agree to and quickly get out of there. The Major was much less pleased to say the least when she was informed by the doctor. I happened to be going by the HQ at the time.

“REALLY Doctor, the fact that there is a rumor of a spirit having stopped her from miscarrying did not lead you to check her yourself?” The major asks.

“Ma’am, like you, I thought she had been tested along with every other female, cow or mare, in the expedition. This was not supposed to happen.”

“Doctor, isn’t that the way it always goes. Please, for now on, follow up better please. I will talk to her after officers’ call tonight. You are dismissed Doctor.”

No matter what has happened she always keeps kicking. She never seems to give up. In fact, she has inspired both Archer and I to keep going, even when we have been at our lowest. Two Step being such a point. She kept us all together and able to fight. My Archer supporting her with his guns.

I have to admit Good Doer was both a high and a low. The low because most of the town’s citizens were either dead or taken away. The positive, well that came from getting to practice being a midwife with Sergeant Sunset's sister.

I will admit I also took some mild pleasure in Sunset having teased Mollygirl about giving birth, I swear she almost went green. It was funny to see her reaction.

Today though, today was definitely a low point in my life. It was one of the worst defeats we have suffered. I lost not only patients, but friends. That was enough, but to know I deliberately took not just one but four lives using my magic, not in self-defense, but a deliberate attack, that is something I don’t know if I can live with. I so want to blame Mollygirl for it. I don’t want to admit to myself that it was really me that suggest I do it.

I am coming out of one of the ambulance wagons when Mollygirl stops me, “Hey Sutures, you heading out with the wounded?”

I am shocked by her question, I try to keep the hurt off my face as it feels like she is trying to get rid of me, “Mollygirl, why would you think that. I have too many ponies here I care about. You, you aren’t trying to get rid of me, are you?”

“No, not at all Sutures, if anything I would want to protect you,” she looks so ashamed as she looks down at the ground, “I am so sorry about earlier dear, I never should have asked that of you.”

I use my hoof to lift her chin and look into those gentle and sad eyes, “Mollygirl, I did volunteer, as much as I hate to admit it, you asked the others first, and I then asked to also. So, I guess I am to blame as well, Its, just, you know, hard to admit to yourself when you do something like that.”

“Yeah, yeah it is, but I know a pretty good therapist you can talk to when we get back, I wonder if she gives group rates?” She tells me with a trembling sad smile with tears in her eyes.

I attempt to laugh, “I may have to take you up on that. Just so you know I was in helping getting the wounded settled in for the next leg of their trip. Doc is going to be with them along with one of the medics from the Rangers. Oh, and one of the pegasi we met in Good Doer, used to be a nurse, so he offered to help too.”

“Ok, sounds good dear. I better let you get going too for now. Will I see you later tonight?” she asks with a hint of nervousness in her voice.

I nod my head, “You should, I know Ginger is going to be needing a lot of attention for a while.”

“She is, and so is Dusty I think, but how about you, how are you holding up?”

I was afraid she would ask me this. I hope she understands, then I answer her truthfully, “Love, when we get back, as soon as I can turn in my uniform, I am done. I just can’t do this again, not anymore.”

She Takes me into her hooves, then tells me, “I understand entirely, to tell the truth, it is something I have considered too.” She then kisses me on the cheek and heads out again.

I keep thinking about all this when I feel a hoof on my shoulder. The lightning flashes and in it I see it is Archer. He sits next to me and puts a hoof around me. I turn and start to sob into his chest.

“Its, ok Sutures, Its ok.” He tells me as he runs one hoof through my mane with the other wrapped around me.

“No, no its not Archer, I murdered those ponies, I stopped their hearts.” I cry out.

“Sutures, my beloved, they were trying to kill you too. You are no more a murder then I am, or Mollygirl is.”

“You two aren’t murders, killers yes, but not murderers, you only do it in the course of your duty.” I tell him weakly.

Still holding me he shakes his head. “Dear, you were saving lives, think about it. What would have happened to those coming behind you, who else of our troops would those soldiers have killed. You know they were not taking prisoners as well as I do. I do my killing from a distance now, so I don’t have to think of them as ponies, just targets. Congratulations, you now understand why Mollygirl feels so guilty most of the time. All we can do is try to be better.”

I nod my head and cry myself out while he holds me. The one buck I trust and care about more than any other. He still loves me and does not think I am a murderer. I need to hear that. Finally, the tears stop and I begin to pull myself back together. I look up at him and gently kiss him on his muzzle, He shifts and kisses me on my forelock, then lifts my chin so he can kiss me back this time.

Once we break the kiss, I tell him, “Archer, let's go find Mollygirl, I think she will need us too.”

Sometime while I was crying the rain has stopped. He lets me go and gets back on all fours. Without saying anything more we both walk silently tail in tail back to the HQ tent. We stop outside the door so I can brace myself. Inside I can hear DJ Pon3 is on someponies PipBuck. Finally I am ready and I head inside next to Archer and I actually hear the lyrics of the song, As we enter I look up and see her and I hear,

For I had believed what I was sold

I did all the things that I was told

But all that has changed, and now I'm bold

'Cause I know

That I am just a pony

I make mistakes from time to time

But now I know the real me

And put my heart out on the line

It is just what I need to hear. Those lyrics so fit all three of us. As we enter Mollygirl comes over to us, hugs us both and the three of us just dance to the rest of the song with us in her hooves.

Once the song ends Archer leads us to the side and lays down. I put my head over his back and Mollygirl does the same from his other side. As we lay like this, we do not say anything, we just bath in each other’s presence and gain strength from each other. After a while I relax enough that I fall asleep in this position. During the night I wake up a couple of times to voices, but never fully. Come morning I hear Mollygirl’s alarm go off and I along with the others finally get up and begin it all over again.

This is a bonus chapter for you my readers. I felt that it might help to understand events from her point of view as well. I also wanted you to be able to get to know Sutures better.

If any of you like these side chapters and have a character you would like to get to know better, let me know and I will see about adding one for that character.