Tirek didn’t know how Cozy Glow had managed to get her hooves on a tablespoon of applesauce, the entire Shadow Spade collection, a huge pile of PVC piping, or a scroll saw in Tartarus, nor how she’d managed to construct a railgun from them. He didn’t care, either. All that mattered was that he was free, free to do as he pleased. Including leaving Cozy to rot in Tartarus. Served her right for trying to leave him to rot with those infernal six.

But he had a bone to pick with Equestria. A lot of bones. And by “pick”, he meant “break”. (He wasn’t one for subtlety. Or metaphor.) He stalked across the desolate countryside for Equestria, draining free magic wherever he could, gaining a tiny bit of might each time. By the time he reached his first town, he had already tripled in size. Ponies were fleeing in terror before him (as they ought), and while word had doubtlessly spread to Canterlot, he welcomed it. More ponies meant more magic to drain. Tirek called up his power, ready to suck the ponies dry.

Only for something to draw his attention, something rocketing from the sky like a meteor. It intercepted his own magic, batted it aside like it was water from a weak firehouse, and hit the ground in front of him hard enough to leave a crater, all within a second. In spite of the situation, Tirek couldn’t hold back a grin. As relatively weak as he was, he still needed a proper fight.

The smoke cleared, revealing just who had decided to interrupt a perfectly good rampage. “Tirek,” said Twilight.

“Princess Twilight,” said Tirek.

“Perfect. Now that we know we know each others’ names…” Twilight flared her wings and pawed at the ground. “You should leave. Before I make you.”

“Make me?” sneered Tirek. “You couldn’t make me leave years ago when you had all the alicorn magic in Equestria.”

“And you couldn’t stop me when you had all the non-alicorn magic in Equestria. You’re worse off than I was. Besides…” Twilight rolled her shoulders and cracked her neck. “I’ve got some different magic now. Well, not really magic, it’s more like a domain of power…” She frowned, tapped her chin, and gazed off into the distance. “How does infernal power differ from magic, anyway?” she muttered. “You’d think-”

“Oi.” Tirek snapped his fingers. “I’m still here.”

“And my thoughts are still here-” Twilight pointed at her head. “-but they’re not going away, either!”

“I’d prefer we get back on track.”

“Erfh. Fine.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Short version, new power, yadda yadda, leave or I’ll make you. What I said earlier.”

“And to expand on myself: I’d like to see you try.”

Twilight chuckled darkly. “Then I’ll do that.” Her horn flashed a repulsive sanguine. “To hell with you!” she bellowed, pointing dramatically.

Tirek laughed an ugly laugh. “Do you think words alone can-”

“Hold on,” Twilight said, frowning. “That was supposed to be literal.” She cleared her throat, spread her wings wide, and bellowed, even more loudly, “To hell with you!”

Nothing happened. A bird landed on one of Tirek’s horns. Experience made him shoo it away before it could poop on him. “What are you attempting to-”

“He said he’d do the thing!” Twilight grumbled to herself. “He had one job. He said he’d start doing it. And he’s not doing it. I even made it clear that this was his last chance. Getting good help these days is absolute hell, you know?”

“I prefer to lay waste to countries single-handedly, so… no.” Tirek had the strangest feeling that he’d caught Twilight at a bad time for a rampage. That was impossible; when it came to rampaging, every time was a good time. “Are we-”

“Hang on a sec, I need to figure out just what is up with him.” A strange red rectangle with a silhouetted figure Tirek couldn’t make out appeared in front of Twilight. “Beelzebuck!” she yelled, staring into it. “I need a word!”

Oddly muffled noise emanated from the rectangle. Tirek wanted to talk, but the sheer gall with which he was being ignored told him to stay quiet, since this was probably important.

“The problem is that I want you to send someone to hell, and you’re not sending! It’s a simple process. One you’ve repeatedly been failing at.”

More noise. Tirek took a few moments to look at cloud shapes. That one looked like a bunny. He hated bunnies with a fiery vengeance and so vaporized it, much to the dismay of the cloud artist who’d been sculpting it.

“Stop pretending you’re going through a tunnel. This is a video call; I can see you making the static with your mouth. Considering the signal can cross dimensions, rock wouldn’t affect it much anyway.”

Still more noise. Tirek raised a finger and opened his mouth, then thought better of it. Interrupting her would be rude.

“No, it wouldn’t, and I can prove it! Don’t make me science you senseless! I-”

Yet more noise. Maybe rudeness was what she needed.

“Listen here! You drag this baddie to hell right now, buster! Or so help me, I’ll-” The square winked out of existence. Twilight stared at where it had been in shock. “He hung up on me. Can you believe the nerve? He’s getting demoted, if not fired.”

“Um, hello?” asked Tirek, waving. “I was gonna, y’know, rampage, and we were gonna fight…” He rubbed the back of his neck and pawed at the ground. “You want I should come back later, or…?”

“No, no,” sighed Twilight. “I’ll call up Marechosias. She’ll want the work.” Her horn flashed that sickening red again; she pointed and screamed, “TO HELL WITH YOU!”

An infernal choir started chanting as a dimensional portal opened beneath Tirek’s feet. Tentacles covered in claws lashed around his limbs, their points digging at his soul. As he began sinking, a voice laced with sadism yelled in his ear, “Back in the saddle again, baby! Awooooooooo!”

Tirek struggled, roared in anger, but he was firmly held. He attempted to fire a blast of magic at Twilight, but a tentacle intercepted it and pulled. His body shrank as his magic was extracted from him, nerve ending by nerve ending. All the while, the tentacles tightened, keeping him from getting loose and inflicting deeper and deeper scars on his psyche.

Twilight didn’t move. She just watched smugly as Tirek sank out of the physical world. She leaned over and whispered in Tirek’s ear, “Don’t worry. It’s only a little damnation.”

He screamed as the portal closed over him.

Then nothing.

Darkness. Darkness surrounded him. All-encompassing, so deep he’d never seen anything like it before. He was free, but he didn’t want to move. Whatever he was in, it was eerily quiet, without even an echo. He nervously cleared his throat. “Um, exc-”

“Oh, sheesh,” someone said. “Sorry. Let me get the switch. The clapper in here will not work right. I told Lucifetlock that this brand was lousy, but he was all, nooooooooooooo, it’s cheap, let’s use it, and I was all- Oh! Here we go.”

Light illuminated the area. Tirek instinctively shielded his face, but whatever his reflexes were expecting, it never came. He peeked nervously around his arms.

“Hello!” spouted a cheery demon in a hot pink uniform. “And welcome to the Disharmony Intervention Society, or DIS for short! Formerly known as hell, but that didn’t test well with focus groups. My name is Orobuck, and I’ll be your caretaker for your stay!”

Tirek cautiously lowered his hands and looked around as he shakily got to his hooves. The walls around him looked roughly like what he’d expected from hell, only with more motivational kitten posters and cheery pastels. “Um…”

“Here at DIS, we believe anyone can become properly harmonious, given enough time!” Orobuck recited happily. “And our state-of-the-art facilities help you help yourself become you, the best self your self can be while you’re you yourself!”

“I believe there’s been a mistake,” said Tirek. “I should not be-”

A clipboard poofed into Orobuck’s hands with a smell of bad prom memories. “Centaur, Tirek the, yes?” Orobuck asked, adjusting his pince nez. “Recently escaped Tartarus and attempted to terrorize the town of Flyover?”

“Yes, but-”

“No, there has been no mistake.” Orobuck tossed the clipboard over his shoulder into a decorative fern, which ate it. “Her Infernal Lowness Twilight Sparkle has sent you here for reformation. Tartarus is expensive for Equestria, and-”

“It’s a cave with cages and a door with a single lock!” bellowed Tirek. He sorely missed his magic; more precisely, his laser blasts. “How can it be expensive?”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” said Orobuck. “I just follow her orders. And she ordered that you learn the true ways of harmony. But don’t worry! All of our lessons and mental therapies are complimentary for the duration of your stay here at DIS!”

“Complimentary- for the- duration of-” Tirek shook his head and growled, “What is this, a learning seminar at a spa and resort?”

“A hellish spa and resort!” yelled Orobuck as thunder boomed. “But, in a sense, yes. Until you can learn to coexist with others without stealing their magic and-slash-or incinerating them, you’ll be staying here.”

Tirek looked up at the demon, down at his scrawny wrists. He’d been so utterly drained of magic he probably could’ve slipped between the bars of his cage back in Tartarus. He had less of a hope of surviving in hell than a reasonable pony had in the aristocracy. “Very well,” he grumbled. “If I must.”

Orobuck rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Perfect! If you’ll just follow me…” And he lightly nudged Tirek out of the room. Still a touch dazed, Tirek stumbled around as Orobuck led him up and down a seemingly endless maze of hallways, pointing out different features of the… wherever. “The weight room is down that hall… The lava pools are over there — they’re quite lovely this time of year… The cafeteria is right here-”

“My banana split doesn’t have enough sprinkles,” protested the Storm King.

“Mine has too much whipped cream,” whined Sombra.

“THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE IN HELL!” roared a demon.

“-but that’s for later,” said Orobuck, hustling Tirek along. “You’re not scheduled for food yet. Disgusting stuff, food. It’s so physical. Not like-”

Tirek examined the place as Orobuck led him on, rambling. With every step he took, with every brightly-colored wall he laid his eyes on, every schmaltzy “soothing” painting, his smile got a little bit wider. This was supposed to be hell? Please. It looked exactly as how he described it: a spa. A resort. A vacation home. Perhaps with more pointy bits and blood spatters on the walls than usual, but nothing more. He could be out of this place in moments, once he put his mind to it. Magic practically oozed from the walls, and he began sucking it up, one tiny drop at a-

“Bad centaur!” said Orobuck, jabbing Tirek in the back with a cattle prod. “Bad!”

Tirek yelped and lost his grip on the magic; it was gone before he knew it. He whirled on Orobuck. “What in the blazes-”

“See, that’s exactly what we’re talking about!” Orobuck said disapprovingly. “Just taking magic like that. Clearly a case of arcanokleptomania if ever there was one!” He tsked. “We’re going to have to do something about that.”

Tirek’s eyes narrowed. If the demons here could detect magic like that, then he’d to be far more subtle. It could take years to escape hell at that rate, but if that was what it took-

“Oh, no. I know that look. I know what you’re planning, and we will notice.” Orobuck waggled the cattle prod. “Don’t make me show you my previous job experience. I have a very particular set of skills, coming from hell.” He smiled again, and only then did Tirek notice just how numerous and sharp Orobuck’s teeth were.

Perhaps behaving within hell was the right thing to do. If nothing else, perhaps he could learn what made ponies’ vaunted friendship to powerful. “Very well,” he grunted. “Lead on.”

So they went on, back and forth and back and forth until they were heading down a wide hall lined with doors. “And here are our treatment rooms!” Orobuck said “You’re scheduled for Preliminary Prep, way down at the end!”

The room Tirek was usher into was banally mundane. An armchair and a couch faced each other across a coffee table. A fireplace crackled on the opposite wall, a poker sticking out of it. And that was it. “Sorry about the design,” said Orobuck, “but we’re not doing much today. Today, we’re going to talk about your feelings.”

Tirek hid his eyeroll and entered the room.

“No, really,” said Orobuck, closing the door behind them. “You’ve got a bit of an anger management problem we need to take care of. Why are you so peeved all the time?”

“Because I have to sit through pathetic, simplistic therapy sessions such as this,” snarled Tirek. He reluctantly slouched on the couch, and- Ooo. Oh, yeah. That was a damn fine couch. Maybe rehabilitation wouldn’t be such a bad thing, if he got to use this couch every day.

Orobuck’s smile didn’t waver as he sat down in the armchair. “Of course it’s simple! The first part in solving your problem is admitting you have a problem, so we’re going to admit you have a problem. You have some pretty bad self-control issues you’re avoiding and you seem to think having temper tantrums that destroy cities is part of your charm.”

Tirek decided not to say that it absolutely was. “Is there not at least a suggestion box?” he growled. Or attempted to. It was hard to stay angry while on a couch this superfine. “Someplace where I can help shape the future of hell going forward, should your sessions prove to be less than ideal?” If he had to sit through this, at least he could make it more tolerable.

“Sorry not sorry,” said Orobuck, “but nope! Her Infernal Lowness Twilight was very clear: she declares how hell works now, and no one else can say otherwise. Nothing you say matters. You can’t touch DIS.”