Heaven of a Hell

by Rambling Writer

Chapter 1: 1 - This is a Good Idea

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“Yes, Twilight?”

“I need your help. I’m going to hell.”

“I… don’t think there’s anything I can do abo-”

“No, I mean I’m breaking into hell.”


“Ugh!” Twilight flicked her tail and flapped her wings once. “Okay. You know how I was really down for a while a few weeks ago?”

“That’s one way to put it,” Starlight said cautiously.

“Well, I’d gone to hell thanks to a clerical error-”


“-and they told me I got to organize an infinite library-”

“You went to hell?!”

“-so I did-”

“Because of a misfile?!”

“-and just as I was getting into the swing of things-”

“Wait, did you say you organi-”

“-the demons or- whoever runs the place found the error and sent me back here.” Twilight had a gleam of crazed determination in her eyes, now; Starlight scooched back a foot. “That library… It had every book possible, Starlight. Literally. And-”

Desperate to stop the course she knew the conversation was taking, Starlight said, “But wouldn’t that mean, I don’t know, ninety-nine point nine nine nine and so on percent of the books are gibberish? So the library’s worthless?”

“I told you, I organized it! All of it!” yelled Twilight. “Comprehensible, meaningful books are nice and close to each other. Think about it: all the information you could want, need, imagine, create, right at your hooftips.” Twilight looked into the distance with a thousand-yard stare and reached out for an invisible shelf. She sobbed a broken sob and put her hoof back down. “So. No more moping. I’m breaking into hell to use that library.”

“…Breaking… into… hell.”

Twilight tilted her head. “Yeah. That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“Okay, look.” Starlight planted her face in her hoof and disguised the gesture with a ruffle of her mane. “For starters, how are you even going to get there? It’d take-”

“Inverted demon-summoning spell!” Twilight said brightly. “It’s easy. I broke it down to fundamentals, isolated the components that drew people from hell to Equestria, reversed them, and now we have a spell that goes to hell from Equestria. I think. I haven’t tested it yet. But I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“And where did you even get a demon-summoning spell in the first place? Those-”

“Oh, just the Lesser Key of Solomane.” Twilight levitated said book in front of Starlight, still trailing a few tattered strips of the pony skin in which it was bound.

Starlight laughed nervously. “I-isn’t it super illegal to have that book? Something about summoning an army of demons to take over the world? Not to mention all the dark magic in it?”

“Normally, yes. But I’m a princess. I got it for research.”

“So what do you need me for?” More and more, Starlight was missing the days when “Hey, let’s go to hell!” was something you only said while drunk and not something your old teacher proposed as a casual weekend getaway.

“I need your help to power the spell, at least until I know where the Library is and can set up a direct link. The amount of magic needed is huge, too much for me to handle alone. But with you adding your power, we’ll get it done easily! Pleeeaaase? I’ll owe you a favor.” Twilight made big eyes. Starlight wanted to use them for target practice.

One last straw to grasp at. “And if we can’t find the library?” asked Starlight. “What if we’re just stuck wandering hell for eternity?”

“Planned for it!” Twilight held up an amulet. “Automated homeward teleportation. Activate this and it’ll teleport you back to the Cutie Map from anywhere in the multiverse. This one, I have tested.”

Starlight stared at the amulet. “It’s made of bone and the blood’s still wet on the runes.”

“So the spell needs bone to work and I dug up a few graves. They were dead! They weren’t using the bones anyway!”

“…Is the chain on this made of sinew?”

“And I just used a little bit of my blood — the original spell called for pus, but I figured out the conversion rate — and-”

A losing battle if ever there was one. Twilight was on the literary warpath; none who stood in her way would survive and even her allies risked permanent trauma afterwards. “Fine. I’ll help. But just this once.”

“Yesssssss!” Twilight practically shoved the Key in Starlight’s face. “Read the sections on summoning in that, then come to me. I’ll give you the next steps from there.”

“Great.” Starlight nudged open the book and was immediately confronted with a positively lovely picture of a gangrenous wound caused by Lereinje. “I’m breaking so many laws by doing this,” she mumbled.

“I’ll pardon you. Princeeeeeess!

“So, Starlight? How’s it going?”

“I can hear them, Twilight. I can hear them in the silence, just shy of the edge of hearing. The endless shrieks of the damned. A dismal chorus of boundless breadth that speaks of pain and agony far beyond mortal comprehension. A perpetual litany of prayer and supplication begging, pleading for a release, however slight, however temporary. A release that will never come. Can never come. Forever.”

“Oh, that’s normal. It’s hell, what’d you expect? Just cast the silencing charm on page 36 and everything’ll be fine.”

“…Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m not okay! There’s a library out there that has every book possible and I’m not in it!”

“Look, I- I’m getting there, okay? I’ll let you know when I’m done.”

“Great! But please don’t take too long. So many unread books…”

Twilight leaned into Spike’s room. “Spike?”

“Yeah, Twilight?” He only barely looked up from his comic book.

“You can have the weekend off. Starlight and I are going to hell.”

“Okay. Cool.”

“Keep the castle semi-clean, remember to lock up at night, and don’t eat all of the double chocolate chunk ice cream at once, okay?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Great. We’ll be back… I’m not sure when we’ll be back. Before Monday at the latest.” Twilight shrugged and left Spike’s room.

Spike turned the page, wondering if Baron Von Ruthless had noticed his doomsday device of the day was missing its gyroscopes yet. Aaaand… Nope. Still monologuing.

A few rooms over, he heard Starlight. “Twilight, where did you get all this raccoon blood?”

“Raccoons, obviously. Let’s just say Fillydelphia won’t have a procyonid problem in the near future.”


Every book possible! Sacrifices must be made! Be thankful they’re raccoon sacrifices and not pony sacrifices. But the exchange rate isn’t the greatest, which is why we need so much.”

“So what’s with the tuning fork?”

“It creates the right frequencies to-”

“No, I know that, but why does it look… so…”

“The waves it makes have an imaginary wavelength.”


Spike’s stomach growled. He reached into the bowl next to him and grabbed- But it was empty. Darn. Spike hopped out of his beanbag chair and headed for the kitchen, taking the bowl with him. Twilight’s and Starlight’s voices were coming from one of the rooms he passed.

“Armadillo bile?” asked Twilight.

“North point,” confirmed Starlight.


“East point. Also ew.”


“South point.”


“West point. I still don’t know why we need that…”

“Toothpaste contains crushed oyster shells. You’re brushing your teeth with DEATH!

“Whatever. The bloodstones are…”

Spike reached the kitchen. He was cutting back, so… two rubies, three sapphires, one emerald, a not-exactly-small chunk of chrysoprase, and a handful of crushed quartz to roll it all in. Two handfuls. As he walked back to his room, curiosity made him stop at Twilight’s and Starlight’s room again. The door crackled with energy.

“Lorem ipsum ova paschae!” intoned Twilight. “Mannulum verbis!”

“Inanis strepitus!” yelled Starlight. “Multum ineptiu et perditio tempus!”

“Habes multus otiu viciu ad interpretari hic!” they chorused. “Redire ad historia!” Thunder boomed, reality flexed, the earth shook, and Spike stumbled a little and dropped his gems. Doggone it.

As Spike gathered his gems back up, he glanced at the sickly red smoke that was leaking from under the doorframe. He sniffed. Yeegh. Sulfur. And… was that brimstone? Yeah, probably. It smelled like what he had when he had bad breath.

Then what Twilight had said truly hit him.

She couldn’t be serious, could she? No. It was too wild, too impossible. There was no way she could’ve been telling the truth.

But if she had

Spike was at the freezer in a second. He yanked it open and- Yes! Twilight had been telling the truth! Spike freed the double chocolate chunk ice cream from the freezer, retrieved a spoon, and dug in. He wouldn’t eat all of it; just ninety-five percent of it. Ninety-nine percent. Even better, he’d have plenty of time before Twilight returned from hell, so he could take this nice and slow.

Next Chapter: 2 - The Obligatory Dimension-Hopping Montage Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 3 Minutes
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