I Hope You're All Happy!

Well, guess what I did last weekend. Yup, I followed your advice, landing myself in one heck of a mess. I can't blame you guys for what happened, but I'm still pretty flustered over this whole situation. Turns out everypony was right, and I'm easy when I drink. That's not the bad thing, however. You see, I think it may have been a blessing in disguise if only I had been able to respond appropriately when an opportunity presented itself.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let me start from the beginning.

Last weekend, after the party, I slept with a very close friend of mine. She's always been a pony I can trust, and she's the most loyal of friends, but after that night, everything went wrong. We stopped talking for a few days, then she messaged me online. We only talked for a little while, but then she decided to come over. We kissed, but I messed everything up. I kind of panicked and pushed her away, then things got way out of hoof from there. You see, this friend of mine is a bit egocentric at times, you could even say a little cocky or bull-headed. So when I pushed her away, it really hurt her pride, and she retaliated in a way I never would have expected.

When I woke up, all my friends had been told a terrible lie about my behavior on that night. They confronted me, already convinced what they had been told was true, asking for more details. I didn't know how to react, so I just shut them out. Not-so-coincidentally, another friend of mine who'd never had a drink before found herself drinking straight Neighermeister. So, to make sure she was alright, I headed over, using the cool night air to help clear my mind. To my surprise, one sip of what she had was enough to knock me flat on my plot, since one very irresponsible pony spiked it with some kind of narcotic. Likely a very illegal narcotic.

You can try to imagine what happened next, because I really don't remember. All I know is that I woke up this morning in a very cozy position with that friend of mine, and she may be in for a bit of heartbreak if I'm not careful. She's so fragile, and a wonderful friend. I really can't stand the thought of hurting her, but I don't know how she'll take this once I talk to her. From what I've gathered, she was quite infatuated, and that's saying the least. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think she was very attractive, or that I've never thought about dating her before. Sadly, all I can think about is being with that same friend who put me in this awful mess in the first place. I can't stop thinking about her. Honestly, she's all I want, and despite the stress she's caused me lately, I hold no grudges, and only want her to apologize in her own way.

I don't even care that she degraded me in front of our friends, I still want her to want to be with me. If anything, the lengths she went to get back at me are an indicator of how much she cares about me and what I do. That's something, right?

I swear I'm not insane, but sometimes I wonder...

I'll be back next week to let you all know what happens from here.

Until next time,

~Twi.

"And posted."

Twilight Sparkle slouched in her office chair. She let out a deep breath and tapped her thighs, not quite sure what she should be doing. Exhaling again, she closed her eyes and tried to remember what had happened at Fluttershy's cottage the previous night. Flashes of yellow wings and feathers filled her mind, then a pink mane slowly moving down her chest and stomach. She gulped and concentrated harder, trying to get the full picture.

DiDing

A message? This early?

Hey Twi

"Rainbow Dash?!" Twilight's neck stretched as far back as possible and her eye began to twitch.

What do you want?!

Twilight angrily awaited a reply but got nothing. After what felt like an eternity, she rapidly typed out another message.

Look, I'm sorry for using assertive punctuation. What did you want to say to me?

I'm pretty mad at you for posting that status

Twilight let out a light laugh and rested her cheek on her hoof while she thought.

Are you kidding me? I was just trying to defend my name, you're the one who was telling lies to our friends! I have half a mind to take my balloon up to Cloudsdale and kick your flank!

Settle down there turbo. I don't want anypony getting hurt, meaning you. I'm sorry, alright? I just said the first thing that popped into my head when I saw our friends because I wanted to make you look bad. I know it was stupid, and I don't know what to do other than say I'm sorry.

Twilight closed her eyes and sighed. After a few moments, she allowed herself to break a small smile and let her anger go once again.

So I take it this is your way of apologizing?

... Yes, I'm sorry for what I did.

Took you long enough. I suppose there was no real harm done, so I forgive you. For future reference, please don't do that to me again. I've never felt so embarrassed in my life. You were rather harsh, surprisingly harsh in fact.

I know, I'm sorry

"Twilight! I got a letter from the Princess!" Spike came charging through the bedroom door, a scroll clasped beneath his claws.

"Really?! Again?" Twilight snatched the scroll away and opened it.

To my Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle.

I'm worried about you, Twilight. I haven't gotten a friendship report in over two weeks now, and things just feel off lately. Would you like to tell me what's going on down there in Ponyville that has you so distracted?

I hope to hear back from you soon. I miss you and wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

~Princess Celestia

"Seriously, Celestia?" Twilight facehoofed and sat the scroll on her desk.

"What's wrong?" Spike asked, scratching his chin.

"Nothing. It's just that I sent Celestia two friendship reports via email that she apparently never got. That old mare needs to get with the times. I'll be right back, alright? I'm going to run out and buy some more parchment. Since somepony never follows my shopping lists, we're out!" Twilight glared down at the little dragon as she trotted past him.

"Jeez, I forgot, alright?" Spike placed his claws on his hips and shook his head.

"And stay off the computer!" Twilight shouted upstairs as she exited the front door.

DiDing

A sound caught Spike's attention. Climbing into Twilight's chair, he peeked at the computer screen. A message from Rainbow Dash.

Hey, is it alright if I come over?

Spike contemplated replying. "Well, she did say to stay off the computer..."

He shrugged and jumped down, heading back downstairs. Suddenly, an alluring chime sounded from outside.

"Snowcones?" Spike licked his lips and headed towards the sound.

Well I don't have anythings else to do, so I'm just gonna come on over. See ya soon.

As usual, it didn't long for the fastest flyer in all of Equestria to reach the library. She tapped on the front door, then let herself in.

"Hello?" she called out, not realizing she was alone.

Rainbow Dash frowned as she trotted through the library in search of her friend. She then glanced up the stairs and saw the light from a computer screen shining down. With a sly glance left and right, she quietly fluttered up the stairway and into Twilight's bedroom.

There was a name flashing at the bottom of the screen. Applejack had sent her a new message.

Hey there Twi, how ya doin this fine Sunday mornin?

Rainbow suppressed a squeak of devious pleasure and took a seat, cracking her joints.

Oh, hello Applejack. I'm just doing the same old stuff. You know, reading. Non-stop reading. And Princess student stuff.

Sounds... boring, if I do say so myself.

So what did you want, hmm?

Nothin! Just thinkin is all.

Whatcha thinkin about?

I heard you... you know. With Fluttershy last night.

Rainbow's heart sank and she choked up.

Oh really? Where'd you hear that?

Fluttershy told me herself this mornin. I just wanted to make sure it was true, I know how she can be sometimes. Plus I think she was hungover. Look Twi, I know what you do is your business and yours alone, but I don't wanna see that sweet little mare gettin hurt on account o the fact that you're easy when ya drink.

Psh, yeah right like Fluttershy even cares. She just wanted to get laid! Twilight's fine, get out of here AJ!

Uh... Twi? You alright? Should I come over?

No that won't be necessary!

Rainbow quickly closed the tab and cringed at the thought. With that tab closed, the blog post was all that remained.

"Hmm, Twi's Weekly Blog huh?" Rainbow rubbed her nose and skimmed over it.

As she read the end of the post, she felt her heart skip a beat. She's all I want...

Rainbow's mouth twisted in confusion. "If I'm all you want, then why'd you sleep with Fluttershy?"

Just then a noise came from downstairs. Twilight opened the front door and called for Spike, likely ready to send a letter. Rainbow jumped up, panicking. She quickly returned the chair to its original place and re-opened Muzzlebook, noting the three notifications waiting to be read. Suppressing her curiosity, Rainbow quietly made her way to the top of the stairs and peeked down.

"Spike? Where'd you go?" Twilight called out, using her magic to carry a bag into the kitchen.

Now's my chance! Rainbow dove forward, spreading her wings and flying straight down the stairs. She landed silently next to the sofa and backed up against the door.

Tap Tap

Rainbow nonchalantly rapped on the door, casually brushing her coat off.

Twilight looked back, then dropped her bag of goods, strewing an assortment of writing supplies across the kitchen floor.

"Rainbow Dash? What are... When did... Have you seen Spike?" Twilight smiled nervously, and began levitating the items back into her bag.

"Spike? No... The door was open when I showed up, but nopony was here," Rainbow explained, then leaped onto the couch.

"So, what, you're just going to relax in here like nothing ever happened?" The unicorn raised an eyebrow, as if she could hardly believe the audacity of the cocky pegasus.

"Are you saying I can't?" Rainbow stretched out across the cushions and yawned.

Twilight trotted up to her and smacked her back hooves to the floor. "No, I'm saying you shouldn't. We have a lot to talk about! We need to get our relationship, our friendship, in check, before it's too late."

Rainbow cleared her throat and frowned. "What do you mean, 'before it's too late'?"

"If you don't stop all this foalish high-school drama-queen behavior, then I'm going to be forced to stop considering you a friend." Twilight stamped a hoof, glaring down harshly.

Dash scoffed and bared her teeth. "Like you'd ever."

"I'll do whatever I feel is necessary to avoid these issues from continuing to present themselves." Twilight tilted her nose up.

"It sounds to me like you're creating plenty of issues on your own anyway. I should be the least of your problems right now." Rainbow stood up and trotted into the kitchen.

Twilight placed a hoof to her chin and thought for a moment. "... Hey, what exactly do you mean by that?!" she shouted, trotting after her friend.

"Oh, nothing. It's just that sleeping around with all your friends usually leads to problems..." She tossed an apple into the air and caught it with her teeth.

Twilight gulped and bit her bottom lip. "... And what do you mean by that?" All the anger was absent from her voice, only nervousness remaining.

Rainbow took a greedy bite from the apple, then balanced it on the tip of her hoof. "Well," she mumbled with her mouth full, spitting bits of apple onto the floor. "I heard you and Sluttershy got it on."

Twilight coughed and began beating on her chest. "What?!" she shouted, then quieted her voice, now facing the floor. "Where did you hear that?"

"Straight from the horse's mouth."

Twilight stood speechless, her eyes nervously shifting from side to side as she contemplated what to say.

Rainbow threw what was left of the apple into a nearby trashcan, then trotted past her friend towards the door. She placed a hoof on the handle and pushed it open, glancing back over her shoulder. "Do what you want, but don't say I didn't warn you."

Twilight quickly looked up and turned around. "Dash, wait!"

The pegasus was already gone, and Twilight felt familiar tears fighting their way to the surface. Turning back to the kitchen, she groaned wearily and tended to the rest of the supplies lying across the floor. The last item was a bundle of parchment. She carried it and a quill to her couch, recalling the letter she still needed to send. She dipped the quill into an inkwell resting on her coffee table, then dotted the paper in the upper left corner.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I believe you may have once again forgotten to check your email. I've shown you several times myself, and if you're still having trouble figuring it out, you can always ask your sister for help. I email her frequently and, to my surprise, she seems to be taking to the times much better than you. You're going to have to accept that the internet is here to stay, and it has swept the nation already. I believe we're entering into a new era, the era of web-communications. Everything is changing, and it's affecting our society in an inexplicable, drastic way.

Please, Princess, try to adjust – for your own sake, not just ours. You have two full friendship reports waiting in your inbox. I look forward to your replies.

"Spike! Where in the hoof are you?!"

Just then, the little purple dragon strolled in, holding a snowcone in one hand and a dirty trophy in the other. "Jeez Twi, calm down. What's got your tail in a bunch? I was just getting a snowcone, and... uh..." He placed the trophy behind his back.

She rolled her eyes and sealed the letter, then tossed it towards the Spike, who instinctively dropped his trophy and snowcone to catch it. "Well, get in here. I need you to send this letter. And clean that mess up."

The dragon's cheeks turned red and he grumbled, before huffing out a large burst of green flames that reached dangerously close to Twilight's face.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Oops, sorry..." He picked up his trophy, and felt a pang of loss pierce his heart at the sight of a delicious sparkling green snowcone lying wasted on the floor.

"Where'd you get that dirty old trophy?" Twilight inquired, resting her cheek on a hoof.

"It's not dirty! And I found it." Spike puffed his chest out.

"It certainly is dirty, and obviously not yours. Where'd you find it? Are you stealing again?" she asked, this time with more concern in her voice.

"No, I'm not stealing! I... found it in the trash behind somepony's house, okay?" Spike admitted, blushing slightly.

"Seriously?" She giggled and raised her eyebrow. "That's gross, Spike – go wash it at least."

As Spike headed to the kitchen for a towel, Twilight sat back, staring at the ceiling, the young dragon's unusual behavior creeping its way into her mind.

Spike walked into the bedroom and glanced around, ensuring he was completely alone. He moved his small bed off to one side and lifted a false panel in the floor, revealing a lever. Upon pulling the lever, a slot in the wall opened. He quickly covered his secret mechanism and headed to the opening in the wall, taking one last glance towards the bedroom door before jumping through. It was a passage that led deep underground into a secret chamber of sorts. Spike let out a small burst of fire that lit a candle on the wall, causing a chain reaction and lighting a row of more candles, illuminating a long and dark tunnel lined with bricks.

He stealthily walked down the tunnel, dragging his claw across the crumbly wall. As he approached the end, the brick tunnel began to lose its artificial structure and became more like a cave, with stalactites dripping water. He soon reached a large, dim cavern that had a few small streams trickling into it through an opening in the ceiling.

With another stream of fire, a large circle of green flames lined the cavern walls and revealed a huge heap of treasure. In the center of the pile of shiny metals and gems was a picture of a white unicorn.

Spike walked up to it and dropped the trophy on the pile, then lifted the picture, caressing it tenderly. "Does this please you?"

His eyes scoured the image for some sort of reaction, but nothing happened.

He cried out loud and slammed his fists into the pile. "Please love me Rarity!"

He began to groan, then wail. "I... NEED YOUR LOVE!"

His high-pitched, shrill voice echoed throughout the cavern, sending a swarm of bats frantically fluttering away. His eyes began to glow red, then he slammed the pile harder, staring straight into the eyes of the photograph.

"I NEED IT!" His voice was growing deep, almost demonic.

Spike growled a deep and fearsome growl as two ridges appeared on his back, jutting out and ripping through the scales, forming into wings. He began to grow exponentially, his physique taking on a muscular tone.

"IF YOU WON'T GIVE IT TO ME, I'LL TAKE IT!" Glowing green embers poured from his mouth as he snatched the photo off the pile with razor sharp claws.

He screamed out in a roaring voice, arching his back and looking to the sky through the hole in the cave's roof. "I'M COMING FOR YOU, AND I'LL DESTROY ANYPONY WHO GETS IN MY WAY! I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING AND EVERY..."

Twilight's thoughts were interrupted as a letter landed on her lap. "Here ya go. Celestia replied."

Spike walked back into the kitchen and stood on a step-stool to continue washing his trophy. "Why would anypony throw you out? You're a perfectly good trophy..." he muttered to himself, scrubbing the filth away.

Twilight took a deep breath and laughed her daydream off, unfurling the new scroll.

Are you kidding me? I'm not asking her... for anything! I can do it on my own. It's just that I like doing it this way. I don't see why we have to change our methods just because some newfangled form of communication came about. However, if you insist, then I'll try.

"Newfangled? Seriously?" Twilight rolled the letter up and set it on the table. "And I wonder what's got her crotch fur in a knot..."

She unrolled another scroll and dipped her quill yet again.

Well then, Celestia, it sounds to me like you have a bit of a friendship problem on your hooves. Maybe you can use one of my previous friendship reports to help you and Luna work out whatever it is that's getting between you. In any case, email is better because I hate to have to trouble poor Spike every time I need to send you a letter. I feel terrible for the little guy, and he deserves a break.

What's important right now is that you get back on track with Luna before somepony gets sent to the moon again. Let me know if you'd like me to come up to the palace and help you two out, I consider myself an expert on friendship at this point. I'm looking forward to your email reply this time.

"Spike! Letter!" Twilight dropped it onto the table and curled up on the couch.

The discontent dragon walked into the front room and snatched the letter off the table. "Yes ma'am..." He didn't attempt to hide the insubordination undercutting his tone.

As the last ember dissipated into the air, Twilight stood up and patted him on the head. "Good boy, Spike." Trotting upstairs, she entered her room to tend to the email she hoped to receive from her mentor.

As soon as she took a seat in her office chair, she realized something was wrong. "Spike!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

He ran in waving his claws about. "Whoa, I swear, I didn't do anything!"

"I told you not to go on here, was that really too much to ask?" she asked, gritting her teeth as she glared down over her shoulder.

"I really didn't... Well, just for a second, but I didn't do anything at all, I promise."

Twilight's gaze sharpened, her muzzle bunching up. "Bull. You're grounded!"

"But I didn't do anything! I promised, you gotta believe me!"

"Oh, you promised, well that changes everything. Oh wait, no it doesn't. I don't give a buck about your lie-promises, you're still grounded! Now go to your room!"

"This is my room!"

"Then go lay down and be quiet!" Twilight pointed to his bed with a hoof, then gulped, recalling her daydream.

Spike grumbled and walked over to his bed, dragging his blanket off the top of his dresser. He plopped down and rolled away, leaving his cold shoulder facing the angry unicorn.

Twilight refreshed all her browser tabs and noted everything that was going on. Muzzlebook, as usual, took priority.

Three notifications... comments on my status. Why didn't I notice these before?

Status: Excuse me friends. You've all been lied to by Rainbow Dash. She's oh so very saddle-sore due to the fact that earlier today I rejected her advances. In a state of crushed pride, she's trying to bring me down by convincing you all that I'm easy and begged her for sex. It's all lies, and I truly feel bad for a grown mare who'd resort to such foalish behavior.

-Applejack says: Well you ARE easy, especially when you drink.

-Rainbow Dash says: She's such a liar, I haven't even been over there since I rocked her world last weekend.

- Pinkie Pie says: This one time, I found a gold bit on the floor in Mr. Cake's room. I tried to pick it up but I couldn't then he saw me and said that it was glued down, but if I put by nose on it long enough then it would come unglued and I could keep it! So I left my nose on it for a pretty long time, and he just stood behind me breathing really loudly and told me that it would be easier if I swayed back and forth a little. I never did get the bit, but after a while he just yelled at me to leave.

Twilight couldn't help but laugh. At first she covered her mouth to stifle a chuckle, but she couldn't contain herself. She snorted and squeaked as the giggle turned into full on laughter.

"What's so funny?" Spike leaned up and glared.

Twilight waved him down, unable to speak through her hysterical outburst. She shook her head and opened her email, hoping to have something to reply to.

"Hey, looks like Celestia's using her email again. It worked." Twilight happily announced aloud.

"Hooray." Spike bemusedly rolled his eyes.

Twilight dismissed his attitude and opened the mail. To her surprise, the email was blank and everything was written in the subject.

Dear Twilight Sparkle. I do believe this is working properly. I drafted your friendship reports and ctrl v'd them into my personal databank. I approved of them, and thank you for sending them to me with this wonderful device. Now as for the matter of my sister's friendship with me, I believe your assistance may be in order. I normally would take care of such squabbles on my own, but I can't seem to talk to her without becoming unreasonably furious almost immediately. I hope to see you soon. ~Your Princess, Celestia.

"Ha, Spike, you should come see this!" Twilight was in tears laughing.

The curious dragon hopped up without objection. His eyes scanned over the open email and his frown quickly turned to a crooked smile, barely containing his building laughter. "Control V'd them into her personal databank? What does that even mean?!"

"I don't know!"

The two shared a laugh at their Princess' expense.

"Well..." Twilight caught her breath. "It seems I'm taking a trip to Canterlot. You wanna come too?"

"You know it." Spike hopped down and began packing his things.

Twilight joined him, wondering what could possibly be driving the two royal sisters apart. "Something tells me this trip isn't going to be quite as leisurely as I'm hoping..."