Once upon a time in the mystical land of waifus.
I was getting so much tail.
Like seriously, if it moved, I probably fucked it.
But one day, all my girlfriends found out about eachother.
So they collectively beat my ass and cast me out.
I wandered, lost, for countless, uh.
It had to be a few days at least.
Until I discovered an unknown town somewhere far away.
And that’s where I discovered The Ass.
It belonged to this crazy chick.
Like seriously, she was on some 1950s conformity trip.
She even nailed the Stepford Wives smiles.
But I don’t have a cutie mark anyway, so I joined their cult or whatever.
But before I could get my hands on the goods, my friends showed up.
So I got out of there.
I thought I’d never see that ass again.
Until I heard that she was in Ponyville with my... friends.
So I went back.
At first I thought they were going to toss me in a gulag or something.
Instead they gave me friendship lessons.
Much worse, basically.
Now I’m a recovering villain, I guess?
But I’m not alone.
The Ass is here, and she’s recovering too.

--

Anon sat on a park bench and stared at the clock tower. He bit his lips and watched its hands.

“C’mon… Three, two, one…”

The bell rang three times and his eyes darted down the path. Starlight Glimmer, ever punctual, was walking toward him, nose in a book, flanks swaying.

Anon bit his lip and balled his fists. Starlight walked by, and he watched her rear. It jiggled, but not much, and always returned to a delicate, curvy, perky round. It was the platonic idea of an ass. He reached for it, stretched, and cupped it with his fingertips.

“Huh?” Starlight exclaimed, then her face twisted in fury. “Anon!” Her horn ignited and a magic mallet crashed down on his head, breaking the bench beneath him, leaving him face down in the dirt.

Anon groaned, twitched, then turned his head toward her and smiled a broken smile. “Worth… It.”

Starlight huffed and walked away.

Anon remained on the ground for the next hour or so until Spike found him. The little dude sighed and shook him a few times.

“Again?” Spike asked.

Anon moaned and raised his arm, hand curled in a thumbs up.

“Ugh,” Spike said, “come on. Twilight wants to see you. You’re late for your friendship report.” Spike flipped Anon onto his back and helped him up. Together they went—well, Anon limped—to Twilight’s castle.

When they arrived, Twilight was sitting at the head of the map. Starlight was to her side, finishing her friendship progress report. Twilight nodded and beamed as Starlight regaled her on the lesson Trixie learned about stealing versus borrowing on national free balloon day. Both mares looked up when Anon and Spike entered. Twilight perked up, Starlight scowled.

“Oh, Anon! We were getting worried about you. I’m glad you could join us,” Twilight said. “Good job, Spike.”

Spike saluted and sat across from Starlight. Anon slumped, pained, beside him, which brought a smile to Starlight’s lips. Her soft, beckoning lips.

“And what have you learned this week about friendship, Anon?” Twilight asked.

“I don’t know,” Anon said as he propped an elbow on the table and rested his chin against his hand.

“Come on, Anon. You had to learn something this week,” Spike said.

“I don’t know, okay. Jeez, stop riding me about it.”

Twilight frowned. “I’m worried about your progress, Anon. I’m worried that, well, you haven’t made any.”

Anon grumbled and looked away.

“Actually, Twilight, I had an idea,” Starlight said. “I was thinking about how I reconciled with the ponies in Our Town, and I remembered how many other ponies, from both before I took over and after I left, I’ve wronged. I want to travel a bit and, you know, make amends with those ponies as well.”

Twilight clapped her hooves together. “That’s an excellent idea, Starlight! A friendship rehabilitation quest.”

“I was thinking more of an apology tour, but same thing really, I guess,” Starlight said.

Anon looked up and slammed his hands on the table, startling everyone in the room.

“I want to go on an apology tour too,” he said.

“You do?” Twilight, Starlight, and Spike asked in unison.

“Yeah. I’ve hurt mares… and a few stallions… all over Equestria since I got here. This is my chance to make up for it.”

Twilight gasped. “You two can go together. It will be a friendship field trip!”

“W-what,” Starlight said. “You can’t be serious.”

“Yes! It’s a fantastic idea, Starlight” Twilight said.

“No, no, no. I-I mean we’re probably going to totally different places. I mean I’ll have to go to Canterlot…”

“Same,” Anon said.

“And Fillydelphia…”

“Same.”

“And Los Pegasus…”

“Yep.”

“And Manehattan!”

“Me too.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Starlight said.

“It’s settled, then” Twilight said. “You two will travel together on a whirlwind apology tour. This is so exciting!”

“But I…” Starlight looked around. “But he…”

“Looks like you and I are going to be field trip partners,” Anon said and wiggled his eyebrows at Starlight.

Starlight slammed her head against the table. “Ugh.”

“I’ll draw up your itinerary tonight,” Twilight said. “This will be so much fun. I just know you two will learn a lot together.”

Starlight looked up and cast an empty defeated gaze at nowhere. “Fine…”

Twilight hopped out of her seat, humming Winter Wrap-up, and left the room for her chamber, musing to herself about the most efficient paths and methods of travel. Starlight left too, her head low and dragging her hooves. Anon remained at the table with Spike, beaming and thinking of all the possibilities, and opportunities, their journey would permit. Spike looked at him, his features scrunched and skeptical.

“Alright, spill it. Why are you really doing this?” Spike asked.

“What do you mean?” Anon asked, rocking in his seat.

“Come on, you’ve never been interested in friendship lessons before. Why now?”

“Why Spike, are you accusing me of having ulterior motives?” Anon watched Starlight’s perfect rump disappear across the door frame as he spoke, her tail draped above her mare parts, both concealing and revealing in all the right ways.

“Yep,” Spike replied.

“This is just a friendly field trip with a friend. Completely above the board and totally, uh, friendly.”

“Maybe a bit too friendly for Starlight’s tastes. I don’t think this is going to turn out like you want it to.”

“Nonsense!” Anon said. “This is going to be a great opportunity to learn about friendship and to grow. Lots and lots of friendship. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d better get packing. This is going to be a long trip and I don’t want to go without enough clean underwear. Or condoms.”

“Huh?”

“Measure twice, cut once. Gotta go,” Anon said, then hopped out of his seat and strolled out of the room, whistling.

Spike sat, mouth open.

“What does that even mean?”

--

Starlight approached Twilight’s door a few hours later. She knocked and the locusts in her stomach became frenzied.

“Uh, Twilight, can we talk for a second?”

“Sure, Starlight. Come in.”

Starlight opened the door. Twilight was sitting at her desk, maps and a few travel guides strewn before her. She scribbled at a parchment, then crossed out her scribbles, muttering about how little time the route would save. Then she scribbled again. Starlight sat in front of her, ears back.

“Twilight, about this trip,” Starlight said.

“I know, isn’t it exciting? Finally, a chance to get through to Anon, and what better a way to do that than by letting him discover the power of friendship for himself?”

“Yeah, about that. Are you sure it’s a good idea for Anon to come with me? You know he’s only using this as an opportunity to, um.” Starlight rubbed her foreleg.

“To have sex with you? Oh, I know that.”

Starlight jolted forward. “What? You know? And you’re letting him do it anyway?”

Twilight looked up and set her quill on the desk. “Look, Starlight, I know it’s not an ideal situation, but this might be my only chance to teach him something.”

“By putting me on the breeding rack? Gee, thanks, Twilight.”

Twilight frowned. “Come on, it’s not that bad. Anon makes advances toward you all the time, and you’ve been able to handle yourself so far. I know he’s a creep. Believe me, I know. But that’s why it’s so important he learn better. And who better to teach him than my star pupil?”

“I don’t know…”

Twilight rose from her desk and walked around to Starlight’s side. “Look, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. But I don’t know any other way to motivate him. I know it’s a lot to ask of you, it was a lot when Princess Celestia first asked me to oversee his reform, but I also know that you can succeed where I failed.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I do. And I’ll even plan in a return route mid-way through your journey, so if you ever need an escape, you can cut it short and come back home. I’ll figure out what to do with him from there.”

Starlight sighed, then she smiled and looked at Twilight. “You know you owe me for this, right?”

“Oh yeah, big time.”

Twilight pulled her into a hug, and for the first time since that evening, the insects in Starlight’s stomach were still.

--

Starlight didn’t see much of Anon for the next few days. She spent much of her time pouring over their route with Twilight and telling her friends about her coming absence. Trixie was the hardest to convince of the plan’s soundness, of course. Starlight had been complaining to the showpony for months about Anon’s behavior, so it was an obvious surprise to Trixie that the two would now travel Equestria together. Starlight asked if Trixie wanted to come with them, but the latter was already mid-tour and going in the opposite direction of their planned route. Instead, they agreed to meet in Hoofsdale since they’d be there around the same time.

Applejack was the next most resistant to the idea, Starlight was surprised to learn. Applejack and Anon had enjoyed a “roll in the hay”, she called it, once when she was drunk on cider. Since then Anon had made repeated passes at her, each ending the same way, a buck to his gut. Applejack complained Anon couldn’t be trusted, that he was a two-timing, yellow-bellied stud with the sexual appetite of a bull in season. That was all true, of course, but the way Applejack blushed when she talked about it made Starlight wonder if there was another reason the cowpony was so opposed.

In fact, most of Starlight’s friends acted strange when she brought up her trip. Fluttershy hid her face, Rainbowdash threw her a snarky “good luck” and flew away, and Pinkiepie recounted long and rather detailed encounters with the human, many of them involving balloon animals. Starlight hadn’t heard from Rarity, but that’s because the fashionista was in Canterlot on one of her extended business trips.

So when the morning of their departure came, Starlight felt she was briefed on what to expect.

Starlight walked outside the castle, saddlebags secured, and watched the rising sun.

Twilight came out soon after.

“Ready for your trip?” Twilight asked, smiling.

Starlight smiled too, though it was more muted than her mentor’s. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Good! Here’s your itinerary and map,” Twilight said and levitated two rolled-up parchments to her. “I marked rest stops and a few attractions, in case you want to stop for a while.”

“Thanks, but I think we’ll keep to the main locations.”

Anon exited the castle next. He was carrying a black gym tote bag and a small black book, the latter of which he stowed in his back pocket.

“Ready to go, partner?” He said, making exaggerated stretches.

Starlight rolled her eyes and unfurled the itinerary. “Our first stop will be Stableton, a bit northeast. The train doesn’t stop there, so we’ll have to go on hoof a few miles.”

“Works for me,” Anon said. “Oh, yeah.” He unzipped his bag and pulled out a scone wrapped in paper. “I figured we wouldn’t have a chance to eat this morning, so I made this for you. Blueberry’s your favorite, right?”

“Uh… yeah. Wow, thanks.” Starlight said, eyes wide as she took it with her magic. She bit into it, it was actually pretty good. Flaky and warm, and sweet but not too much.

“Aw, see? You two are already getting along. I can’t wait to read your first report. Have fun,” Twilight said and waved her wing as her students began walking.

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. Starlight thought, taking another bite of her pastry.

“I’m so glad to be out of that castle,” Anon said. “This is going to be great, right, partner?” He rested his palm on Starlight’s ass.

“….”

Starlight brought a block of magic down atop him, leaving him buried in an Anon shaped dirt depression as she continued walking.

“And don’t call me ‘partner’.”