Immediately, Moondancer went online to get ideas for how we could spend time together. As it turned out, finding an activity besides sex that an oversized penis analogue could participate in was a minor ordeal. I couldn’t share a meal, a dance on the ballroom floor, or a sing at a karaoke bar. But, by the evening, we had decided. This was how I found myself playing mini golf by proxy.

There weren’t many other people on the outdoor course at this hour, but just to be safe, Moondancer had tucked me inside the cozy left sleeve of her sweater, my glans resting in the palm of her hand. Moreover, she wore a hands-free cellular headset over one ear. That way, people wouldn’t think she was crazy for talking to herself. Part of me was disappointed that we couldn’t share what might very well be love with the world, but at the same time, the last thing I wanted was for Moondancer to suffer ridicule because of me. No matter how popular Beanises were becoming, waving one around in public still led to questions.

Moondancer had already gotten our ball and putter, and she slowly made her way over to the first hole, a straight shot with a couple of plastic blocks on either side. She angled her arm so I could see it. “Simple enough,” she said.

Easier said than done, though. I had an up close perspective, brushed up against the grip of the club as she fumbled her first stroke, clipping the golf ball right into one of the blocks where it bounced back right to where it started. It took her five hits to get the ball in the hole. The sign said par was two.

Moondancer sighed in annoyance as she walked over to the next one. “Ugh, I’m terrible at physical activities. Why did I go with this?”

“Want any tips?” I asked. “I’m good at filling holes.”

“Right, that’s why,” she said, giggling.

Were I able, I would have smirked mischievously. Instead I just twitched some more. “Not because we’re three blocks from your house?”

“Okay, that was part of it,” she admitted.

Before I could tease her any more, she lowered her hand, moving on with the game. The second hole was about as basic as the first, but with the addition of some sloping hills on the synthetic grass and some painted wooden cutouts of jungle animals for decoration. Moondancer only required four attempts to sink the ball this time.

“See, getting better already,” I declared.

Moondancer smirked down at me. “You know, for a dick, you’re a pretty nice guy.”

“Ha,” I sent.

Pausing, her smile morphed into a more pensive line. “I… don’t really go out much, in case you hadn’t noticed. Books are simple. Relationships are complicated, even just friendship. And I sort of stopped trying. This whole experience has been refreshing, if you can believe that.”

I could. If connections were so natural to create and maintain, people wouldn’t need Beanises. “How so?”

“You’re very straightforward, Garbanzo. Men, especially, are hard to read. I can’t tell when they’re being genuine or just thinking with their cocks. But you are a cock. A kind, sustainably sourced one.”

Ah. I’d take that as a compliment. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, grinning.

Moondancer hummed as she sized up the next hole. This was where they started becoming extravagant, including moving setpieces. The one in front of us featured a loop-de-loop, styled to look like a roller coaster, complete with moving cars carrying miniature riders. She stroked her chin, giving me a nice view in the process. “Think I’m gonna have to put some force into it this time,” she mused.

Squaring her legs, she lined up her putt, concentrating. She swung, twisting her hips for a follow-though. A bit too much follow-through. As the ball was sent rolling into the loop, I went flying right out of Moondancer’s baggy sleeve, sailing through the air and clattering painfully into the branches of a nearby tree.

“Ow.”

Moondancer dropped the putter, hands covering her mouth in surprise. “Oh shit oh shit,” she muttered under her breath. Other golfers glanced her way, hearing the rustling, before returning to their games.

Rushing over to the tree, Moondancer tried jumping in place to reach me. Unfortunately, the branches I was balanced on were slightly too high for her to reach. Frantic, she seemed reluctant to leave me there, but eventually ran off to the front entrance.

I didn’t have to wait long for her to come back. She had brought a taller man wearing the course’s logo on a collared shirt. His begrudging expression was that of somebody who’d seen everything and had grown numb to insanity.

Moondancer was unable to meet his eyes. She was sweating bullets. “So, uh, this is where my club got stuck.”

The man stared between the leaves, spotting me. He turned back to her incredulously. “Ma’am, that’s obviously not one of our putters. That is a Beanis.”

Moondancer cringed, her body language conveying absolute embarrassment. “Yes,” she admitted.

With a sigh, he reached up and shook the branch, catching me in his other hand. “No shame in having one, ma’am,” the employee said as he passed me to her. “They’re very effective. I bought one for my wife recently. She likes double penetration.”

Moondancer’s relief faded after his first sentence. Then, she balked. “I absolutely did not need to know that.”

The man shrugged. “We’re very open with our escapades. However, we at Happy Fun Mini Golf are not open to sex toys on the property. I’m going to have to kick you out now.”

And then he did, slamming the steel exit gate shut in front of Moondancer after escorting her there. Once he was gone, she shimmied out of view, facing the outer wall.

“I am so sorry, Garbanzo. You aren’t hurt, are you?” In a mild panic, she turned me this way and that, searching for cuts.

“No,” I twitched, dribbling a bit of pre reassuringly. “Actually, it was a tad thrilling.”

“Really?” Moondancer’s eyes narrowed.

In the following lull, though, contrary to what I expected, I could feel her heartbeat actually speed up. She held me up to her face, tightening her grip. Her eyes burned. “Okay, I am not losing to a plant at being arousing, sexually or otherwise. We are going back to my place, and by the time I’m done with you, you won’t be able to even think about anything other than me.”

I spasmed, her sudden forwardness stirring me to full readiness. Hot damn. “Bring it, sweetie.”