Ridiculous... absolutely ridiculous...

In my mind, I let lose of a serious of colorful words, some of them escaping through my lips. After Rainbow Dash... my friend departed to the sky, occasionally zipping past the three of us, I resumed connecting and disconnecting myself from nature. Due to mentally beating myself and cursing the world for fucking me over, said activity turned out to be harder than I thought. At least after reporting to Dhuradhan, that air movement seemed to slowly work itself into my spiritual vision, the news served me to stop the internal debate of mine...

I had started the first steps to Air Bending...

However, those steps were for the processing of air movement and not true bending. Still, it was progress and one, that made me busy to focus and to not rage over the previous events...

I told myself to NOT try making friends, but only be a friendly citizen. But no, without my notice, I mislead a soul, into thinking, that I wanted friendship. Not just any soul, but the Element of Loyalty herself! I knew that friendship worked with feelings and emotions, but to not register it? Just great...

I would have anticipated my speech, as a way to show gratitude and make an alliance... and not a friend leveled relationship. I knew it will lead to future misunderstandings, where the now speeding pegasus will get hurt emotionally...

It further infuriated me from inside, when after a long session of observing and supposing, I came to the conclusion that I was MAYBE... naturally kind. I wanted to kick this thought out of my head, but however I looked at the situation, I always ended up saying the same: ''I'm kind on my own ways...''

How was that possible? A being, who solves problems by killing many and that the first thing he guesses about certain activities, is violence? The one who had shaken hands with the once Death? A once Pure Soul, who brought liberation by denying the profit of The Light? The unknown being, who had died before three times and immediately wished for revenge?

Unlikely... yet my actions with these ponies and the outcome of each taken soul is for the right...

It was only me, who reduced himself and forced a painful belief upon his being. I said it many times and will say it, in order to keep myself going towards a goal, which was cleansing my soul. It was a psychological trick, the same which teachers and masters usually use on the pupils. No matter how long ago they had reached their goal, the higher authority said otherwise...

Thus, the student won't stop working hard anymore...

Now, I was doing same with myself, successfully convincing myself about how bad of a soul I was. While in reality, one would say I was purer than an Angel. Maybe... maybe... but it changed for my end and the statement remained the same...

I was NOT a good friend for anyone...

I merely acted kindly and showed honest respect towards an individual, in order to help her, solve a problem and make both of our lives smoother. However, she misunderstood, which instead of leading me to believe her low level of intelligence... it proved something else...

I've been a good friend ever since and had only experienced hard times, due to problematic lifestyle...

My loved ones... I do care about them, act respectfully and treat them gently. But only when I'm around them and as you could guess, that amount of time was really short. This is the reason, why I considered myself as a terrible friend. And for believing in its true facts, I decided to NOT let anyone close to me. I know, it could teach me a thing or two, but it was for the best... which proves that I was not greedy. Therefore, a good soul, which I denied from myself to declare...

Confounding, but once again, a working, easy and safe method. Fewer souls to care about, less suffering for both sides, primally for my loved ones...

And now... I had an action fan on my tail, putting her trust into me... I was planning on inviting Celestia into my friend circles, not an Element Bearer, who wasn't even welcomed, didn't share any similarities in certain aspects and mostly... I did NOT invite her to these circles...

My hands retreated from the tree and I turned around in place, as I gave up on connecting myself again. I glanced at my watch and it showed a few minutes before half past five. If I wanted to get to Generosity after six, not too late before closing hour, then I was better getting home and take care of the preparations. I trained two and half an hour, it was a good start for now.

Putting on my clothes and the rest of my equipment, I walked in between Dhuradhan and Dhanthas, all three of our attentions on the fast pegasus. Apparently, her training consisted of keeping up the high speed, constantly turning, spinning, while frequently fulfilling a flip or loop. I momentary wondered, if every pony race had some sort of Energy, because what I was seeing right there, was beyond possible to do with pure wing muscles... or the Fastest Flyer in Equestria title actually lived up to her name...

Shaking my head, I sighed in defeat. ''Impossible to catch her attention from the ground... neither with wings, given her speed... Ugh, forget it, I let it go for now, but no more friend onto the list. Celestia and Loyalty, two should be easy to not disappoint... come on.'' I told my selves and they quickly fell behind me, then next to me. Dhanthas smoking, walking on my right and Dhuradhan easily keeping up with me on the left.

For your information, it was symbolical, considering how The Scythe's mark was on my right shoulder, acting as my Dark side and the left remained clean from any mark... pure...

''Hm!'' Dhuradhan let out, his head snapping back to the flying pegasus. ''I shall talk to you later.'' He shared the info, before he transfered back inside me, through my left shoulder.

I glanced at Dhanthas, who just finished his Dunhill. ''Figures...'' He shrugged, not having any clue to make of anything from Dhuradhan's unexpected reaction. Maybe he came up with a new experiment? I did not know, but as long as Dhanthas wasn't involved, then I found no reason to be bothered...

With both of them hidden inside me, I picked up the pace and safely made my way to town...

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I realized that the pony language was beneficial not just from what they were, but from Equestria's functioning. That they had a secondary meaning and the given situation decides said meaning in that moment. This revelation was brought to me, when I found my clothes dry so quickly, a little before six o'clock. In that moment, I gratefully turned to the sun, silently expressing my gratitude to the giant orb of warmth. Then, after a quick chain of thoughts, it clicked...

''Thank Celestia.'' Such a well created world. It was no wonder why these ponies spent their lives in Harmony...

Dressing took away a frustrating five minutes, after I had finally managed to wrap a towel around my groin to wear it as an underwear. If I was about bring the original to Generosity as an example, then I wasn't about to give her a filthy one. After all, she was a lady and even with my usual careless attitude towards appearance here and there, I still had the dignity. And it was against my morals and tactics, as well. If I would have been this ignorant, then I would have been just like those foolish equines. Aside from this, it would have been downright unlikely from me, to bring displeasure to one, who've only shown positivity towards me...

And I haven't mentioned the embarrassment that could unfold by that low action...

I packed up everything that I could bring myself and started my trek through town, to that peculiar and fancy building. While it was on the other side of the town and took me ten minutes, oddly enough, it left me plenty of time to let my mind wander over to a certain topic... friendship...

I just couldn't help it. That foreign sentiment inside me, forcing me to care about such low level subject. I knew it was the unstable Energy, Equestria's influence and the pressuring events, that elected this mentality of mine. I sensed it and pretty much said a 'hi' to this sensation. Yet, even though I acknowledged the path it was about to steer my train of thoughts onto, I looked into this matter, bringing me more revelations...

I know it was one successful relationship bonding so far, yet it made me wonder...

The first contradiction was the rainbow mare's personality. Even with failed friendship from my past, I KNEW this was too fast to be true. Yet, I was in reality and it strongly told me that I was friends with Loyalty... more like she found me as such, while I decided to play along, in fear that she might take the harsh truth wrong.

Sadly, the evidence cannot be denied... I was an interesting soul, no matter how I acted. My disadvantage was my appearance in this world and analyzing it further, it revealed to me that I was more than intriguing that I present myself for my own self. What a life I had, skills and knowledge... however I tried to deny or just overlook these facts, it led me to the same end... I attracted attention, when I was not on a mission. A visible action of mine, was fairly enough for the naked eyes, to make souls to look towards my direction... or look for one, if they knew me a little better...

After running down the images before me and realizing that I was indeed one who could rise awareness, I left behind those years and inspected the recent past. In other words... Celestia...

I merely turned her down and I had already swore on creating friendship with her... and this thought launched me further forward in my pondering...

Everything proved me wrong. I told myself countless times, that I was a terrible being... I was wrong and now I just overlooked my sins, for I am talking about my being in personality...

I made myself believe, that I was a terrible friend... again... I was wrong. If I was terrible years ago, then now I was better. Ever since the hectic events have been dealt with and I resumed a wonderful life amongst A'nforians... I improved... at it seemed like this improvement affected my personality and inner aspects, such as virtue and normal - by that, I mean Mortal like - processing of the events. Still, I was stone cold, yet I was aware about those sentient sensations inside. However, they were late and I had developed the passive ability to crush them, if I was not in need of those at times.

This self-development did not halt, though. No, it only took a turn and provided me with new realizations. I had learned how to behave for my sake... and the previously mentioned revelation allowed me the knowledge, to know what to make of others' feelings, precisely my loved ones' emotions. I have been blind to show love to them, all because of my constant self-convincing that I cannot feel certain things, only fake them, in order to be stronger. To prevent the enemy, from using this as an advantage.

However... the darkness from before got washed away by revealing light...

When Emese felt sad, why wasn't I able to bring myself to comfort her? When Ben told me about his new girlfriend, why did I just nod at him, instead of at least acting the needed happiness? At least I could have acted my sympathy or enthusiasm for my loved ones' sake! But no... I always just stood and stared... my mind not registering anything good or bad, depending on the moment...

As the end of this musing came closer, I settled on making up for all the unbidden reaction from my part, in order to bring joviality or sympathy for them in the future. I may wasn't Mortal, but at least for their delight... I must treat them as such and not as another A'nforian. And as a prediction, I decided to use this acting, to make myself believe that I actually meant my gestures... just like I did with my own emotions, having a false belief through my acting...

As an outcome, the analyzation left me with a few, unanswered questions...

''Is it possible, that I've been actually a good friend all along and only my morals forced this revelation away from me? That I was only blind to realize, that in reality, I actually acknowledged my loved ones' emotions and knew what to do in those grim or joyful situations? Have I been lying to myself all this time?''

Have I mentioned, that I felt ashamed for even thinking about such Mortal problems? I'd fallen down to lower levels, oh-so terribly... yet... all the shame perished, upon coming to the next revelation, though I was careful with declaring it. That is why I was humble with the conclusion...

''I am not a terrible friend anymore, only one, who has an unfortunate life... had such, have one and will have it...''

I anticipated the future and I saw myself... accepting the love of those who are important in my life... and they welcomed me gladly...

It felt... quite good, actually! It was strange and unknown, against my ordinary comfort, but somehow... I couldn't send this feeling away just like that. The single thought of how many things I had locked away from them and myself! The new opportunities with this revelation! A bright future carved itself before my very eyes, unlike in the past, when only darkness came to mind, when I thought about those who I held dearly...

Before the sudden eruption of emotions could reach the surface, I regained my composure and knocked on the door. Change of plans: Face my loved ones with a much more open perspective and delighted manner, in an attempt to make up for my passivity... I swore to that right there, that I will care for the treasures of my life on a whole new scale...

And yes, I meant that. Fuck the Balance, when it comes to my inner circles! To Hell with all those morals and golden rule! The system was nonexistent for me, when it came down to those I loved! I cannot describe that rush of enraged thoughts, all directed at me and at those, who played a role in worsening my reputation with the importances of my life. I blamed myself and I was forced to stop myself from delivering a well-deserved punch to my face, to serve it as a punishment. How could I treat my loved in such an ignorant way?! Me, who talked big about ignorance and how much he loved his family and close friends?! I antagonized myself, being no better than those useless souls!

But it will change... hoho, Hell yeah it will change! Every damage I had done overpowered those ones, which came from other souls. I was the one, who brought misery... and I will be the one, who will take the punishment and step onto a probable never-ending journey, to cleanse himself from those type of sins...

I calmed myself down and proudly declared...

''Mother... father... brother. My few and dearest friends... just you wait, for I have changed, even though I told myself long ago, that to change myself, I would rather die. You all will be exceptions, as a method to show my deepest apologize for my unforgivable sins.'' I hummed to myself, when I heard the Element of Generosity's voice from inside the building. It reminded me about someone... ''Celestia... I am sorry to you too...'' And finally, thinking back to recent events, I gave myself into it...

''Element of Loyalty... I will do my best...''

I internally declared all of these. My obligation and promise... I would have cut my palms to fortify it, but at that moment, I had other matters to attend to...

However... it certainly lifted up my spirit...

My thoughts were still racing, as the quite paced consequences of my analyzation sank in. I had the suspicious, that I may had missed certain details, however... it was friendship and love, blood and emotions... it was something, which was foreign to me and had no flawless way to examine it properly. The number of potency in this subject was sempiternal and quite frankly... I had no possible way to get into an insane level of observing, in order to find the perfect solution to this topic. Knowing myself, I would need immortality to fully look into this matter, but even then... it wouldn't be enough for me to form up the best conclusion... The possibilities coming from endless influences...

I had to feel it... however that worked, I was now willing to experience it...

I couldn't believe that I had found something so complicated, that I couldn't handle it. Seriously... I just... couldn't work with this, yet somehow... it made me feel... excited? Interested in trying it out? It was confusing to the point, where it provided me with a sense of happiness and a warm feeling consumed up my previous rage. It felt... oh-so natural, yet the fact that I knew nothing about this, still lingered in my mind. Like when I created connection with nature!

Come to think of it... it brought me the feeling when I was experiencing or Tuning... but with a completely different path to take...

Thanks to this thought, it gave me enough confidence to look forward to the future, where I will make up for my mistakes, gladly...

''Sweetie Belle, be a dear and let inside the costumer, please!''

With the touching moment from before settled in my mind, I stored away this conclusion, jotting down a mental-note to remind myself about this in the future, if I so happen to fall down to lower states in self-blame. I allowed myself a nod, visibly self-congratulating myself for the previous meditation, before turning my attention to the night before me. I half felt relived and half found myself furious at myself, yet I found my current mood positive...

Thus, I looked forward to this little 'date' with optimistic aspects... all thanks to this pleasant revelation...

When the door opened, not a single soul stood in the doorway to greet me. Before I shifted my gaze lower, I had looked at the edge of the door, expecting someone... somepony to be standing behind it, awkwardly and silently letting me know to come inside. And it was at that moment, I stopped myself from taking offense for running away from the door, for I spotted a youngling standing in the doorway, barely reaching the heigh of my waist. My first thought was that these ponies were able to feel the presence of mine and the one who supposed to welcomed me just left the door, unwilling to face me.

Then the name clicked in, reminding me to pay attention to the conversation next time...

Towering above her, I greeted the familiar looking child. ''Good evening, young one. You must be Miss Rarity's sibling...'' Taking a swift moment to note the similarities, it was fairly easy to see whose sister she was. Aside from the mane and eyes, she was the exact simile to the fashionista mare. I could have even bet she could easily impersonate her own sister, if she so desired... a few more years and she will be walking the same path as the Element of Generosity, in the topic of appearance...

I received no confirmation to my prediction, however, her blank expression rivaled mine. Either my arrival turned out be confounding or intimidating... or she was playing the child's play, mimicking me...

I decided to continue, after this quick and at the same time, nonexistent exchange. ''...  is she around?'' It was better to not frighten her further, giving away how sensitive my hearing was. I had no knowledge how well these equines can hear, but browsing through what I have collected so far, I reminded myself, that Equestrians were just like Mortals on Earth, except the look and their nature...

Her emotionless expression never faltered, promoting me to sigh, while crouching down. It was a trick I've been keeping in my head, ever since I had left Mortal education at an early age. Now, nearly on the same eye-level with the little pony, I helped her to feel much more comfortable talking to me. As long as I stayed low, it didn't give the impression of a literally higher authority, who was much bigger than her in more ways. I descended down to her level, visually letting her know, that I was one and equal with her. A pedagogical method, to comfort the youth to speak.

I moved my finger across her vision, sickly similar to an Illusion motion and tried again. ''Is Miss Rarity at home?'' I lowered my voice, too, not just my frame. It helped her to move her focus onto me and to my question, not letting her to be distracted by our surroundings.

She nodded, though her face never changed. She was visibly processing this moment, the gears diligently turning in her little head. Moving out of the way and presenting me a path to traverse, I stood up straight, nodding down at her in gratitude for her invitation. I stepped inside, not being able to contain a paranoid habit of mine, as I examined the outside one last time, while I closed the door. Always checking for suspicious observers on the street... better safe than sorry, if someone - again, somepony in this case - decided to follow me...

The place was screaming at me to leave, that is how pure it looked. My clothes were freshly-washed, yet I found myself dirty, compared to the inside's cleanness. I even glanced down at the purplish, striped carpet, checking if I had left any smudge from my shoes. But getting reminded of the presence of the little one, I turned to her instead.

''I shall wait here, then. Thank you for your service.'' I nodded again and receiving the same motion in question, she bolted upstairs, disappearing faster than anything and out of sight. Honestly, I could not make sense of her behavior, but blame her attitude on childhood. Kids were known about their uneasiness around strangers... which was a positivity, seeing as so many sick bastards can desecrate their very being... my blood boils by just bringing this topic to my head...

While I heard the commotion through the door on the right side of the room, where Generosity was most definitely minding her business, I took a good look at my surroundings...

White walls, turning to a purplish shade from the other colors in the room. Darkish pink curtains around the main stage, at the far side of the room; before a kind of 'backstage' in the corner; and for a tiny area next to that previous corner. This highly complementing the other lady-like colors in the room and with the pleasant perfume's scent in the large room, it further tried to make me flee in my own disgust. It was a sight, which was pleasant to behold and the pink was hardly poking my vision... unlike in another case with a certain hyped Element...

To my left and in a row, facing towards mirrors on the wall, makeup seats, all four spots fully supplied with makeup tools and the rest of the beauty objects. What was the interesting part? Hair driers... mane driers? Nevertheless, I cannot miss the chance to repeat this running joke: Only in Equestria...

Equine clothes by the entrance door and at one of this hidden corner, cloaked with the pretty curtains; a lonely makeup spot next to the second largest stage and next to this spot, the staircase. To my right, the main stage, having three mirrors hanging around it. Maybe our fashionista was also doing photography? Or other pe- ponies rent the place for such? Nevertheless, her boutique seemed to be well prepared for everything...

I didn't have to wait more than a minute, Miss Rarity already trotted out from behind the main stage, where she had been. And right there, I actually questioned a rather conspicuous topic, after I had spotted Generosity, walking around the stage with closed eyes. Seriously, I'd seen other ponies doing the same before, but the amount of naturality emitting from them while they're blindly stroll around town... I've never realized this activity this much. It's just... just, why? Aren't they afraid that somepony - with harsher words - fucks them up, by taking advantage over their action? Ugh... only in Equestria...

''Welcome to my humble abode, in Carousel Boutique! Where every garment is chic, unique and magnifique. How may I help y- Ah! Oh, Outsider!'' Miss Rarity started her probably ordinary line, me interrupting her by causing her a minor heart attack. ''Darling... it is not very polite to scare a lady, you know.'' She resumed talking with that dramatic touch, even starting the motions too, by raising a hoof to her chest, as if it would ease her speeding heart rate.

''Why the hood?'' She questioned, which promoted me to pull it down after a second. ''Much better. Now, we best start immediately, so please follow me.''

On that, I had no protest, however...

''I am like a black stain on white silk, I warn you.'' The target of my admonition stopped in mid-turn, apparently, not understanding the meaning of my words. ''A dark blur in light.'' I really didn't feel like plainly saying it out loud, in case she misunderstands me...

''Darling, are you saying that my shop is clean?'' No? Well, technically, yes, but it was not what I meant. ''If my guess was right, then thank you for the compliment!'' Did I fail express myself again, to the point of absolute misunderstanding?

Nevertheless, I could not deny that, for it was the truth. ''That is true, however, a fact still remains. According to this crystal clear home, my presence is too dirty for its state. May I...?'' I asked, motioning towards my boots, asking for permission.

''Oh, don't be ridiculous, Outsider!'' She clawed the air, with a dismissing motion from her fore-hoof. ''Believe me, you would be out of here in no time, if your absurd 'fact' would be the truth.'' I simply stared at her, motionless in my odd position and reading her face, if she was earnest or simply polite. After an eye-roll, she added. ''Take those off...'' Before I could decide which reason she had told me the previous thing for, she finished me with a comment...

''Do I smell today's bought coconut shampoo? Or you really are a speck on the paper... now come on and be proud of your presence!'' She called back to me, rounding around the main stage and through a door.

Taking off my boots and carrying them after my bare-footed self, I followed Generosity into another room, finding her words enough for acceptance. And to tell the truth, I was in no time to waste more of it, so arguing with her -especially with a lady like HER - was unnecessary. Besides, there was something about her, which tingled my interest. Straight to the point, her choice of words and open minded attitude... there were high similarities in both of us. It was a far more easier case... one, that did not left me struggling before giving in and going with the flow.

Oh, and I was surprised by the fact, that Dhanthas haven't made a 'dominatrix' joke so far... Why couldn't she be the one, instead of Loyalty, who misunderstood me and...

And right there, I stopped myself...

The Element of Generosity was a reasonable one and much more to my liking, yet I was forced to step back from that close call. Just because I realized how much I have improved as a person, that revelation did NOT mean that I should be friends with anyone. And allow me to skip that already elaborated topic about why I should stay away from folding bonds with other souls...

So... focusing on the task again, I finally stored away every secondary thoughts, in order to prevent another friendship creation...

Have I mentioned how ashamed I felt for bothering myself with these matters?

I cursed Equestria's influence for that...