Rarity was of two minds as she stared down the mutinying Flim Flam Brothers, the werewolves’ mechanical weapons readied and trained on the vampire Queen and her trio of mannequin servants. On one hand, she was infuriated by their betrayal and incensed by their humiliating remarks about her recent failures.

But on the other hand, she was ecstatic to finally have an opportunity to put these bastards in their place. She had always loathed them, both on a personal level and just the indignity of having the Nightmare always peering over her shoulder through them.

Damn the consequences, she couldn’t wait to turn these two into a red stain on her theater floor.

“Well, brother, isn’t this exciting?” Flim chirped, grinning at his mustachioed brother.

“It certainly is, brother!” Flam replied excitedly. “The opportunity has finally arrived to put our dear Lady Rarity in her place as the Empress’ lapdog! And not a moment too soon!”

“Quite right!” Flim added with a chuckle. “And who knows, perhaps the Empress will be so thrilled by her capture that she’ll let us keep her! Wouldn’t that be something?”

“It certainly would, brother!” Flam agreed, nodding enthusiastically.

Rarity clicked her tongue. The absolute gall to talk about her in such disgraceful terms right to her face.

“If you think you can defeat a monster from the Fifth Circle,” a fiery glint flashed through Rarity’s eyes as her mannequin puppets twitched with the movements of her fingertips, “I’m afraid you’ll soon find yourselves quite fatally mistaken.”

“Ah, but that’s the beauty of teamwork, dear Rarity!” Flim said, raising his finger.

“We’re from the Third Circle,” Flam added, “and there’s two of us!”

“Three times two,” Flim began.

“Is six!” Flam finished. “A higher number than five, to be sure!”

“Quite right!” Flim laughed. “So you don’t have a chance, dear Rarity!”

Rarity’s eye twitched. If she had to suffer through even one more minute of these two’s incessant shenanigans, she had half a mind to turn herself into the Nightmare just to get away from them.

Rarity had three puppets at her disposal; a swordsmare dressed in elegant red and blue fashion, a brigand dressed in humble white and brown, and a guardian dressed in violet and gold. She had fashioned all of their outfits herself and was quite proud of them, and each had a different utility in battle.

Flim and Flam appeared to be ranged fighters, using conjured weapons just like her. Flam had a gangly tin soldier at his disposal that clanged from within as if some mechanism from within was struggling to stay active, and Flim had a much more polished and shiny steel soldier poised with a knife, along with a mounted gun waiting behind him.

Basic and predictable. Rarity shouldn’t have expected anything more from these simpletons.

Rarity rushed in as fast as possible, sending her brigand at Flam and her swordsmare at Flim, the former jumping back and allowing his brother to field Rarity’s assault, Flim’s knife soldier making a go at Rarity’s swordsmare, only to be blocked by her large guardian’s towering shield.

Flim attempted to attack with his mounted gun, but for all its style and flair, it was far too slow; Rarity’s swordsmare cut it down to size before it could fire a single shot, leaving Flim dreadfully exposed.

Flam attempted to protect his brother with his tin soldier, but the weapon refused to move on his command, instead crumpling into a heap as Rarity’s brigand siphoned its magic.

“I know you two are planning on defeating me through trickery and deception,” Rarity growled, flicking her fingers and having her swordsmare cut through Flim’s knife soldier. “I won’t let Flam simply disappear into the background like he was trying to do.”

“Quite perceptive, Lady Rarity!” Flim commended.

“Perceptive indeed!” Flam added, clapping his hands. “But can you deal with thi—”

Before he even finished his sentence, the tin wyvern Flam attempted to conjure was struck down and reduced to scrap by one of the many hexes littering Rarity’s theater, Rarity allowing herself a single prideful laugh as the beast twitched uselessly, a rhythmic clanging coming from within as it attempted to move its broken body.

“I think I’ll manage,” she said confidently.

“Quite impressive, Lady Rarity!” Flim laughed. “You saw through our little tricks and came prepared! You’re truly deserving that self-proclaimed title of Queen, aren’t you?”

“Shut up,” Rarity spat. “Your flattery is as worthless as Flam’s machines.”

“Harsh,” Flam sighed and shook his head. “But fair, I suppose.”

“Well,” Flim snickered, “perhaps you’ll feel better once you see what my machines can do!”

The shredded metal of Flim’s knife soldier transformed with a spark of Flim’s magic, becoming a new soldier armed with a gun, while his mounted gun from earlier similarly transformed before Rarity’s eyes, becoming a bomb instead.

Rarity sighed in disgust as she realized she wouldn’t be able to move her puppets fast enough, Flim’s soldier shooting her in the shoulder with a bullet, drawing blood and making her wince, as his bomb detonated and blew away her swordsmare.

“This is the power of modern technology, dear Rarity!” Flim laughed maniacally. “My machines are the way of the future! And here you are trapped by a nostalgia for a place that no longer wants or needs you! You don’t stand a chance!”

“But wait, there’s more!” Flam said, holding his hands out to show off his brother’s machines, as Flim summoned two more; a flying drone and a soldier with a rifle.

The two thought they were slick, but Rarity saw what they were up to. Flim would attack Rarity with overwhelming force, while Flam held back and charged his magic until he was ready to sweep the battle with a killing blow.

Flam was far too casual about losing his machines and letting his brother do all the work. He was planning something, and Rarity would need to keep an eye on him.

But that was fine. And if Flim was going to disable her swordsmare, she would simply have to conjure her other pair of them. The two swordsmares charged Flim while Rarity’s guardian kept his gunman at bay, but Flim simply laughed as he commanded his sniper to fire on Rarity.

He looked quite shocked when his sniper didn’t reply, having been cut down by Rarity’s first swordsmare, the mannequin charred and brittle, its head and one arm having been blown off by the explosion, but its beautiful sanguine gown looking good as new. There was a reason Rarity’s magic protected the clothing and not the mannequins.

Flim clicked his tongue and screamed for his drone to drop bombs on the two approaching swordsmares, but Rarity’s guardian shielded them from his obvious attack. And while there was a brief moment in time where Flim could feel smug, as though Rarity had let her guard down by freeing his gunman from her guardian’s watchful eye, it was quickly crushed like the fragile steel of Flim’s machines, as Rarity bequeathed herself in radiant golden armor, and tore Flim’s gunman to shreds with her bare hands.

“You two didn’t assume me to be as weak as you, did you?” Rarity said triumphantly, looking down on the pair as they scuttled back, Rarity’s charred swordsmare shadowing Flim and her brigand staying close to Flam so he didn’t get any ideas, Rarity herself glowing in her armor as she was flanked by her two other swordsmares and her guardian.

Rarity sent her two swordsmares at Flim, but they were immediately caught in a shower of gunfire from Flam’s wyvern, which was no longer lying on the ground in a heap, but was instead flying in the air good as new, with Flam’s gangly tin soldier having torn apart Rarity’s brigand puppet, shredding its enchanted outfit and all.

“Ah, it appears my machines are slightly more resistant to your magic than I let on, Lady Rarity!” Flam said in mock surprise.

“How about that,” Rarity hummed. “You know what, I bet they’re not quite as resistant to being torn apart by my hands!”

Rarity charged the tin soldier, ripping it in half and delighting in the visible sheen of sweat that began to drip down the brothers’ brow. Flam’s wyvern retreated behind him while Flim’s drone transformed its shape into a diving bomb, throwing itself at Rarity who protected herself with her guardian’s shield.

While she focused on that though, the wyvern launched a harpoon at her that pierced her neck and penetrated right through it, blooding pooling in her mouth and dripping down her lip as she growled in irritation, before pulling the harpoon out and throwing it to the ground.

“Is that all?” Rarity asked, a vicious faux-sweetness dripping from her tone like venom.

“Don’t underestimate us!” Flim snapped, his horn cracking and flashing with magic before summoning a steel tank behind him. “I’ll show you just how powerful my machines are!”

The tank fired its shot, Rarity tanking behind her guardian’s shield, but two of her swordsmares were blown away to ashes, leaving only the one that was already charred and brittle. Rarity sighed irritably; that meant she was going to have to carry her offensive pressure herself, which was a pain.

Flim was sweating though; not only because he was concerned by Rarity’s strength, but also the amount of magic he was putting into this battle wasn’t exactly a breeze. If this fight dragged on for much longer, Flim would likely exhaust everything he had. That worked for Rarity.

Flam though was an issue. He conjured a robot dog at his hooves, but it didn’t do much but mimic his other machines’ clanging chests as he knelt by the ground and tinkered with the scraps of his tin soldier, slowly and methodically trying to put it back together. He didn’t have the same instantaneous transmutation that Flim had, clearly.

He had barely used any of his own magic, and despite Rarity’s advances he was still cool as ice, biding his time and waiting for his opportunity to deliver a killing blow. Rarity would need to change up her strategy a bit to prevent him from getting that opportunity; make Flim exhaust himself protecting Flam, and putting the pressure on Flam so he had no space to make his move.

And with that, Rarity was back on the offensive… in theory. She was staring down a tank now after all, that would be a bit of an issue to deal with.

The tank fired another shot at Rarity, who hid behind her guardian once more, but then she felt something clinging to her hoof; it was scraps from one of Flim’s machines, coated in black magic as if haunted by a ghost. Rarity crushed the disgusting thing with her armored hoof, but this left her open to an attack from Flam’s wyvern and its harpoon, which Rarity was forced to shield herself from with the charred body of her first swordsmare; it wasn’t doing much at this point anyway.

Rarity’s puppets weren’t strong enough to deal with that tank anyway, she would have to do it by hand. So she conjured another guardian and charged forward, letting her two shields defend herself from Flam’s harpoons and Flim’s trickery.

The tank fired another shot, but the guardian’s shield defended from it easily. Too easily. The brothers seemed unfazed as Rarity charged the tank, but she couldn’t afford to worry about that now; she needed to remove the problem directly in front of her first, and so she jumped up and crashed into the tank, shredding through it with her armored body like a spear thrown through paper.

The scraps of the tank warped and shifted, recombining into a towering bipedal machine armed with a gun bigger than Rarity’s body, and she let out a single irritated chuckle.

“You two are stronger than I gave you credit for,” Rarity sighed, “I’ll grant you that.”

“Thank you for the compliment, Lady Rarity!” Flam said pleasantly.

“Yes,” Flim said politely, “now die.”

The tank soldier fired its gun at Rarity, the brothers scurrying away from the blast zone, but even this attack was nothing against Rarity’s guardian and its shield. She was almost surprised how weak the attack was, until she saw the smug faces of the brothers. That bastard Flam was still getting his chance to charge up his magic, and as long as Rarity was forced to deal with nuisance after nuisance, she wasn’t going to be able to put the pressure on him.

Damn it, she wished Coco were here. That would make this battle a breeze. In fact… where was Coco? How had she not heard the commotion of the battle and rushed to help her Queen? No matter, that would have to wait until Rarity was finished here, and she was running out of time.

Rarity activated one of her hexes in the theater, and it coated the stage and the room around it in magical lines that locked down the use of magic entirely. Rarity had her armor and her two guardians already, she wouldn’t need more magic, but this would hopefully put a damper on Flam’s plan.

She would just need to wrap things up quickly before she ran out of her own magic.

Rarity charged the towering soldier and deflected the blast of its gun with ease thanks to her guardian, then jumped up and tore the thing’s head off, before splitting it down the middle with her armor, shattering it into scrap, the two men standing in its shadow barely reacting. It was so easy. Again, it was too easy.

“Ah, it only looks threatening,” Rarity laughed humorlessly.

“So you’ll waste more magic than you need to?” Flim put a finger to his lips. “Correct.”

“Cute,” Rarity said in disgust.

Flam’s wyvern shot another harpoon at her, but her guardian blocked it, and then his robot dog came running at her but her other guardian blocked that too. Flim pulled out a gun of his own and aimed it at Rarity, but using her telekinesis she snatched it out of his hand and crushed it, but she was caught off-guard by Flam’s tin soldier running at her and punching her in the gut.

It barely hurt, but it distracted Rarity for just a moment, before she heard Flim open his weaselly little mouth again.

“It’s a good thing I always carry two guns!” he proclaimed, firing his second gun and shooting Rarity in the head point blank, knocking her to the ground.

Rarity’s armor shattered as her body hit the ground, blood pooling underneath her from the hole in her head.

“Is that it?” Flam asked hesitantly. “Did we get her?”

“Let’s not be so hasty, brother,” Flim said, his voice guarded and his gun pointed down at Rarity… before she snatched it with her magic and crushed it, staring daggers at the two as she stood up, even with a hole in her head.

“Impressive!” Flam cheered, clapping his hands.

“Quite!” Flim added, raising his finger. “Perhaps now would be a good time to talk about cutting a deal!”

“Is that right?” Rarity said drolly. “Now you want to cut a deal? Why am I not surprised?”

“We would love to overthrow the Nightmare as well!” Flim pleaded. “And we would love to work together with y—”

“Shut the hell up,” Rarity spat, grabbing Flim by his gangly little neck. “You only want to talk now that you’re sweating, don’t even try that shit with me.”

“True!” Flam said. “You are quite correct! But due to this hex that we’re all under, we are at a bit of a stalemate, aren’t we? Why not having a rousing discussion instead of trying to kill each other?”

Rarity grit her teeth and tightened her grip on Flim’s neck. Flam wasn’t entirely wrong; without her armor, Rarity wasn’t sure if she had the strength to just snap Flim’s neck right here like she wanted to, and between Flam’s tin soldiers and Rarity’s guardians, they really were at a bit of a stalemate.

Is this really how this battle was going to end? Rarity giving in and agreeing to a truce with these two men who she so obviously couldn’t trust? She would be sickened with herself if she couldn’t defeat them with her own hands, if she had to admit defeat and settle for a draw with them.

No. She could only be happy, only be safe with these two dead. She only regretted that Applejack wouldn’t have the opportunity to take her revenge with her own hands.

Rarity was forced to release Flim as her grip weakened and she stumbled back, feeling a bit woozy from her head wound. She pooled magic into her horn and shattered the hex sealing the trio’s magic, converting the hex’s magical energy into brand new golden armor that adorned her body.

She threw a punch at Flim that knocked him flat to the ground, then turned to Flam with bloodlust in her eyes, flanked by her two guardians and daring him to make a move.

And move he did, his three tin machines awkwardly clunking and clanging together as they fused into a larger and more powerful tin centaur, armed with an enormous spear.

“It’s not my best work,” Flam muttered, “but it’ll do.”

The centaur plunged its spear into Rarity’s position, and Rarity defended herself with both of her guardians, but both were pierced and shattered by the spear’s weight, tearing through the effortlessly before goring Rarity’s stomach, forcing her to let out a pained wheeze as she choked on her own blood.

“Congratulations, brother,” Flim panted as Flam helped him off the ground, “on conjuring your penultimate weapon! Sorry I couldn’t give you more time to—”

“Think nothing of it, brother!” Flam smiled and pat his brother on the back. “You did more than enough, now you just relax and let ol’ Flam take it from here!”

“No way!” Flim said aghast. “I could never live with myself if I rested on my laurels and let you carry all the work!”

Flim’s horn cracked with magic, and ghostly versions of his scrapped machines tore themselves out of the ground, covered in that black magical energy like the one from earlier. Rarity let out a weary groan as she saw her chances of victory slipping ever further away from her.

The giant centaur grabbed Rarity in its fist and Flam laughed.

“Would you like to reconsider our offer to cut a deal?” he said.

“Or perhaps you would be interested in an unconditional surrender?” Flim added with a gleam in his eye.

Rarity knew what she had to do, but she groaned under her breath because it was so tacky. But it was her only option now, so she channeled her magic and galvanized her armor, shattering the centaur’s fist as she transformed it into a more powered armor, complete with a big fuckoff railgun.

Rarity flew on wings of energy and aimed her railgun at the tin centaur, her eyes turning bloodshot as she practically salivated at the brothers’ defeat which was now so close to her grasp.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Flam said calmly, Rarity’s eye twitching as she silently wondered what fresh hell awaited her now.

“Should we show her?” Flim asked. “Your penultimate weapon’s secret compartment?”

“I feel we should have to,” Flam answered. “It’s only fair.”

Before Rarity could ask what the hell they were talking about, the chest of the centaur opened, revealing a horrifying sight; Coco Pommel and Coloratura were strapped into the machine’s insides, their mouths muzzled by leather straps as the pair struggled to squirm free.

“We went to your chambers to procure miss Twilight Sparkle,” Flim said, “and instead we found miss Coloratura all by her lonesome.”

“We figured she’d make a fine consolation prize!” Flam cheerily added, making Rarity’s stomach turn. “She never saw it coming!”

“And after we had her all wrapped up,” Flim explained, “why miss Coco Pommel here practically fell into our laps!”

“Now, I admit,” Flam said, and his voice sickened Rarity more than ever, “I don’t have a way to stop you from firing your cannon and destroying my beautiful machine. If you destroy it, I think my brother and I are basically sunk.”

“But, of course,” Flim let out a despicable chuckle, “to do that, you will have to accept the calculated loss of your servants. So what’s worth more to you, dear Rarity?”

Rarity was at a loss. She was completely frozen, darting her eyes away as Coco’s pleading eyes made contact with hers.

“So what’ll it be, dear Rarity?” Flim asked. “You should know my brother and I are honest businessmen, we hate resorting to dirty schemes like this.”

“But we will if we have to!” Flam added cheerily.

Rarity couldn’t simply allow Flim and Flam to get away with whatever they wanted. She couldn’t just let them walk away, especially not after this horrid display.

And after all, a Queen’s subjects need always be ready to sacrifice themselves for their Queen. And that damned Coloratura was half the reason Rarity was in this mess to begin with; Rarity could almost argue that dying in this battle would be exactly what the treacherous siren deserved.

Almost.

Was that the kind of Queen Rarity wanted to be? Could her pride as a Queen ever fully recover if she threw away her subjects so thoughtlessly?

Rarity looked at Coco Pommel, who was no longer struggling, her eyes locked on her Queen. She was pleading. She was begging Rarity, her Queen, to save her.

And there was nothing Rarity could do but to kill her.

So Rarity did nothing.

She let her armor disappear, collapsing to the ground with a pathetic splat, before the giant tin centaur crushed Rarity underneath its fist, and Rarity lost consciousness.

damn rarity just can't catch a break this week