A Journey Of a Thousand Miles Begins With A Single Step... Oh Wait!

Well here we go, I guess. That lovely little lavender librarian has been bugging me nonstop over the past few weeks to write some sort of diary or some shit about my experiences. Something about how it could help me in the future or something. I wasn't really listening to be honest. Not my fault that she just goes on and on and on. Still, she did make some good points. Maybe it would be nice to do something other than sit about. Not like I've much else to do other than that anyway, huh?

Well, if I'm going to do this then I guess I should go from the beginning. Or, at least, go from what I at least remember to be the beginning anyway. Yet again, I've not much choice in that regard, seeing as how I seem to suffer from a chronic case of I-can't-fucking-remember-fuck-allitis. It's a rare condition, y'know? It's the only thing that runs in my family. Get it? Runs?

Oh I'm just horrible.

Who knows, maybe if this writing and stuff goes well I could probably publish it or something. Make a whole load o'bits from it. Could give Daring a run for top book sales. Then again, would many people believe me if I wrote about a guy in a wheelchair who goes around fighting dragons, Gods and the undying love and admiration of all those who know him?

Maybe. Maybe not. Let's find out, eh?

Opening my eyes, I found myself in a position all to familiar. Flat out on the ground, covered in bruises and the sun in my eyes. Fortunately for me though, there were no bruises or incapacitating headaches this time, and the sun wasn't out and about tonight. I was still on the floor though, so perhaps I wasn't that far off the mark. Pushing myself up into a sitting position, a quick scan of my surrounding left me slightly disturbed, noting that I was neither at a pub nor my home. Wiping the remaining blades of grass from my face, I turned to my wheelchair, positioned rather conveniently to my side. 'How you doing today, Owen?'

It wasn't the most impressive of wheelchairs. I had never really cared to get too knowledgeable about its design, only wanting to know that it did its job and that it did it well. It does, and that was enough for me. I could perform some rather stylish 360's and wheelies if I both tried and/or didn't fear further paralysis. After a few seconds inspecting it outwardly, checking that there were no obvious damages, I clambered aboard.

After a few more basic inspections, I was satisfied. 'Now onto more pressing matters, eh Alex? Such as; where in the hell we are for example?' Now, as talented as I am in many things, basic geography was unfortunately not one of them. To me, it looked as if I was just in the middle of a forest. Sure, there were a few forests around in the area I lived, but this didn't exactly look like one of them. For a start, there were some weird ass looking mushrooms growing just a few metres away. They didn't exactly look natural to me. Neither did the local fauna for that matter.

Making a mental note to avoid the everlasting shit out of the suspicious fauna as best I could, I began to wheel myself towards the nearest exit. Thankfully I seemed to have found myself passed out on some sort of path or road, so that made movement easier at the very least. The last thing I'd need whilst lost in the woods would be for my only real mode of transport to get bogged down. That would suck very bloody hard.

As I was moving, I began to think back onto my actions the previous night. It took me a good minute until I realised that I genuinely couldn't remember. 'How much did I drink last night? Must've been a good party or something, bloody well gotten myself lost in some weird fuck-off forest and given myself amnesia. Quality.' I was so lost in thought that I almost missed the cottage ahead of me. Seeing it come into view, I couldn't help but let out a little cheer of relief. 'Well thank God for that, civilisation. Maybe they can give me some directions? Or at least a drink? Hopefully both.

It was a slight struggle to get over the small hill that stretched over a stream, but like the unbending hero that I was, I managed it. After one or two failed attempts which almost led to a bath that is. Nevertheless, I got over it in the end, and I carried on towards the rather cosy looking cottage ahead. Reaching the front door, I made myself look as presentable as I could and proceeded to knock. And again. 'Third time's a charm?... Guess not. Sick.'

Receiving no answer after the third knock, I deduced that perhaps the residents weren't home today. Sherlock'ing aside, I now had three options. Either A) Wait here outside of a cottage until the occupants returned, B) Break in and use it for shelter because it was actually getting kinda dark and I didn't value lounging around in this forest after dark. Self preservation ho! Or C) Follow the path a bit deeper into the ominous definitely-not-lethal forest of pure delight and fun times. 'Eeny Meeny Miney... Fuck it, that one.' Turning away from the cottage, I continued down the path. 'Maybe I'll find a house that's actually got someone living in it. Wouldn't that be a shocker.'

Also, to those who placed bets on Option C, please collect your winnings from your nearest Paddy Power.

Having expected the journey to escape from the forest to last longer than it would, I found myself pleasantly surprised when I saw the trees receding, giving way to a lovely little exit with which I could get outta dodge. 'Oh hello salvation, how are you today?' Continuing along the path, it wasn't long until, with a victorious smile upon my face, I found myself looking upon something that widened my smile even more. 'Ooh, a farm? Farm means people and food, a win-win for me right now.'

Indeed, I had in fact found a farm. I didn't exactly want to be outside for another night. Hypothermia and/or a mugging were not exactly a combination I felt comfortable with, so hopefully whoever lived here would be able to either give me a room to sleep in, or at least point me towards the nearest B'n'B. Wheeling myself up to the gate and, keeping an eye out for any angry old farmers with D.B shotguns wanting me off of their lawn, I push it open, thankful that it wasn't locked at all. It wouldn't exactly have been easy for me to reach over and unlatch anything. Because, you know, paralysis.

Unfortunately for me, I almost deafen myself in the process. 'Fucking hell, someone needs to oil this before I lose my hearing as well!' A moment later I could hear a door slam open. Turning towards the farmhouse, I was unable to make out any outlines of a person, yet I could definitely see a light moving towards me now. Deciding that it would probably be best to stay where I was in case they believed me to be some sort of paraplegic thief, I awaited the arrival of the farms residents. It didn't take long before somebody came to investigate the loud bang from the gate. As they got closer, I quickly became confused and a little bit disturbed.

What I would've believed to have been a human coming towards instead turned out to be a horse. A big, red coated draft horse. Even more confusing was the fact that it was carrying a lantern. In it's mouth. As you do, I guess. 'Okay, cool. I'm not hungover, I'm high as a motherfucker. Top class.' Gently placing the lantern to the floor, it kept its gaze focused on me, it's eyes tracing me all over before resting on my own. It even tilted its head in what I guessed to be confusion. Especially because its features mimicked such an emotion; eyes narrowed and brows furrowed.

"And how are you today my good sir?" I ask, grinning like a child, almost expecting the horse to reply. I'm unsure why but, when it did respond, I wasn't as confused as I would have expected myself to be. Probably because I still thought that I was high as a kite or something. At this point in time it wasn't really a bad assumption to make.

"Well, ah'm fine Mr-"

"Hey mate," I interrupt the red coated horse, his sentence dying in the wind, "did you just talk?" I ask, my smile still upon my face. He blinks before nodding. '...Nah.'

"Eeeyup." 'Yea, this ain't happening kiddo.' And with that, the smile goes. Along with what may have been a part of my sanity. 'I'm gone.'

"Nope."

"Ah'm sorry?" 'Just no, mate.'

"Nope. Just nope. Not having it. Have a good evening my fine fellow." And with that, I casually wheel myself away from the talking horse of my imagination and away from the farm, heading further down the path. In my wake I left a bewildered and somewhat amused horse wondering on whether or not he too was imagining things tonight.

"Grey you dumb fuck, what in the hell did you do last night you utter spastic?" I mutter, trying to figure out just what in the hell had led to the past few moments - having an imaginary conversation with an equally imaginary equine. 'Was I drinking again? Oh hell, did I get spiked? Son of a bitch, I bet I was.' Mentally berating myself for my own stupidity, I shook my head and decided to carry on. It soon turned out that the farm behind me wasn't located that far away from a town. That improved my mood somewhat, though I was still feeling rather moody. Mainly because I'd been out for a while now, and I wasn't exactly warm nor fed at this point. 'I'm a bastard at the best of times, but cold and hungry? Oh boy, I'll rip into royalty itself.'

All of a sudden, the darkness around me began to seemingly melt, growing brighter by the second. Casting my eyes to the sky, I realised why this was. 'Yea, erm... Nature? I just wanna let you know that that's not how the sun and moon work chief.' It would appear that my seemingly drug-fuelled trip had decided upon throwing both aforementioned celestial bodies into the sky, with the moon retreating to the ground, giving way to daylight. Knowing that I'd probably have a stroke if I kept trying to logically explain the astronomical phenomenon that had just occurred above me, I gritted my teeth in frustration and continued further on down the road.

Still, with everything now bathed in sunlight, I could actually get myself a clear view of my surroundings now. Similarly to the farm house - which I'd somehow managed to make out from the horse's lantern - the buildings here seemed to share the same design, giving the whole town a whole medieval feel. It reminded me somewhat of those old Anglo-Saxon villages that I'd seen in those history textbooks years ago. 'Christ, have I been dumped in the dark ages or something? Cool. Maybe I'll get tied to the stake and burnt alive for witchcraft. Hot.' There also appeared to be decorations plastered around, with a rather important looking building adorned with sun emblazoned banners. Perhaps the populace worshipped the sun? '...Or maybe have my heart ripped out in Aztec ritual. Even better.'

I would never admit to being scared or anything, and I sure didn't plan to do so in the near future, but I'd be lying to myself if I didn't at least feel apprehensive at my current situation: alone, in a strange town, with seemingly nobody around. 'Well this ain't ominous at all. I've yet to see a single human being all night, I'm prowling about in a town devoid of any and all bloody life, and I even said hello and goodbye to a talking horse. Maybe I've gone insane? Who knows, cause I sure as hell don't. This can't be real, though, right? Come on Alex, mate, you're just high as fu-'

My thoughts were cut off when I realised something both terrifying yet intriguing. I wasn't alone anymore. I'd have been happy with such a notion if it weren't for the fact that it wasn't humans who were standing before me. And around me for that matter actually. It turns out that I hadn't been focusing on what was going on around me, and I'd ended up wheeling myself right into the middle of an equine crowd. As one would expect, every single being within 100 yards was looking at me. 'Aah, well, ain't this just fucking grand. Looks like I've stumbled into something here.' Looking about the huge gathering of hor- no, ponies, judging by their much smaller sizes compared to the hulk I'd found at the farm, I found that each and every one of them came in differing shades of colour. Equally confusing were the marks held on their flanks - a harp for example, on a cyan coated pony.

Also to be noted was that the previously specified cyan coated pony looked rather happy to see me actually. That's nice.

I eventually found my attention focused on a certain group of equines in the centre of the crowd. My gut instinct told me that such a crowd had formed because of this group. Or maybe it's just because of the fact that two of them were twice the size as every other pony in the vicinity. Who knows? Still, they did seem important, especially as the two previously mentioned equines were wearing what seemed like tiaras. They also had wings as well. And horns now that I mention it. 'Does the Buy-One Get-One free deal go for everyone around here, or is it just them?'

A quick glance at the other ponies confirmed that, whilst many of the surrounding equines also had wings and horns, only the two larger ones before me had the pleasure of having both. 'Aah, so we've got unicorns and pegasus ponies prancing around in my head now. Cracking stuff right here.' Gesturing apathetically to the group in front of me, I shrug, choosing to ignore the flinches and recoiling of many of the surrounding equines.

"I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say that you lot can all talk as well then?" I ask, already anticipating what their replies would be. I received a mixture of responses from all around me, yet all held the the same answer anyway. "Ain't that swell. Well, if it's all the same to you folks, I'm just gonna call it a day and dip that way." And with that, I spin myself around and begin to wheel myself as far away from these talking ponies before they decide to lynch the weird creature that had just wheeled itself into their quaint little town. I didn't get that far before I realised I wasn't moving forwards.

In fact, I was moving backwards. Rather counterproductive. Looking down at my wheels, I was rather startled to find that they were enveloped in a golden light. A quick glance behind me revealed that the horn of the larger of the two hybrid horses was shimmering in the same light which gripped my dear Wheelson. With Plan A having been spectacularly dashed, I resorted to Plan B. 'You'll never take me alive!'

With a grunt, I threw myself off of my chair, landing in the dirt with a heavy thud, resulting in a cloud of dust and what I guessed to be a concerned gasp originating from somewhere behind me. As soon as I'd landed, I began to crawl as quickly as I could in the opposite direction of where I'd been heading. I hadn't even made it a few inches before I found that the ground was no longer the ground. It took me only a moment to realise I was floating. Or, more accurately, flailing upside down, slowly being brought towards the group of equines dead ahead. 'Well damn, guess I'm gonna be eaten.'

If the surrounding equines weren't confused before, they most definitely were now at the scene unfolding them. It's not everyday you see a rather handsome and intelligent wheelchair bound human literally roll into town, desperately attempt to escape from one of, if not the most powerful being on the planet, fail amazingly, and then dangle helplessly upside down before said being with both middle digits raised in her general direction. Still, what else was I going to do?

My eyes darted downwards/upwards/I-couldn't-bloody-tell towards a certain lavender coated pony who had stepped forward, coming within touching distance of me. Tilting her head with an adorable look of confusion on her muzzle that more or less demanded to be poked in the nose for such a crime, she asked the question that more than likely the whole town wanted to ask.

"I'm sorry, but, who and what are you?" Grinning, I do three things. Firstly, I spread my arms in a wide flourish, flashing her the most charming grin that a hapless upside down young man could muster. Secondly, I answer her question.

"Alexander Greyson, your friendly, wheelchair bound, sarcastic sorcerer supreme human, at your service!" Thirdly, I go ahead and punish her for her earlier crime by booping her on the nose, her muzzle scrunching up in a mixture of confusion and embarrassment. This also resulted in her looking even more adorable than she was a moment ago. 'You know, if this is Hell, I've been a good boy.' It also elicited some laughter from her companions, alongside rather well hidden grin from the one whose horn was still keeping me afloat. 'Oh yea, I forgot about you...'

Bringing my attention away from the boop-recovering lavender pony and towards the white maned one, it actually struck me that this one wasn't actually white. 'Hmm... Yea, that's some real light pink right there. That one over there? With the Indigo mane? That one has a white coat. This one? Nah, light pink. Definitely definitely lig-'

"Whilst I do commend your skills in colour identification," 'N-Nani?', "I do hope that you will be able to provide us with a more detailed explanation as to your sudden appearance in Ponyville?" Whilst shocked at how this pony had been able to read my mind, I felt compelled to respond to her question. Why? I don't know. Maybe in part to how she was in control of the lower half of my body.

"That, my dear, is a question I'd love to answer. And I shall do so, on three conditions." The middle finger on my right hand was joined by two of its siblings. "Firstly, you'll have to answer just a few of my own questions. Is that fair?" She nods. "Grand. Secondly, we do this Q'n'A of ours somewhere private. Bring these seven if you want, but no more. Agreed?" Another nod, plus seven other nods from the rest of the group. "Okay, sound. And finally?"

"Yes?" I myself nod, though towards my wheelchair, which was just tantalisingly of reach.

"Can I please have my wheelchair back? As much as I'm loving PonyAirlines right now, I do prefer my own means of transportation." A chuckle and a nod is my response, as I'm gently placed back into my chair. Giving myself a moment to recover from a good minute or two hanging upside down, I sigh contentedly. 'Aah, everything is as it should be. Minus this acid trip I'm on.' The light pink hybrid gave me an odd stare, before gracing me with a rather friendly and warm smile.

"Now then, shall we?" Nodding, I begin to follow the larger of the hybrids, wheeling alongside her. Beside her strode the smaller of the two. 'I wonder if they're sisters?' Of course, the larger one could read my mind, so I wasn't as surprised originally to see her nod ever so slightly. 'This is going to get really weird later on, you know that?' Another nod and an ever growing smile was her answer. 'Ah well, at least half of this ain't real.'

I pretended not to notice how quickly her smile vanished.

After a good minute of walking/wheeling, our little ragtag group were standing before a rather large tree. More accurately, a tree house. No, literally, a tree house. It had a door, windows, and even a chimney if I wasn't mistaken. That meant a fireplace. 'Because, you know, a fireplace in a tree of all things is just a great idea, and its architect definitely deserves an award for his towering intellect.'

Still, it was the actual purpose of the building that was the most ingenious part of it.

"So I take it this is a library, correct?" I ask to nobody in particular. My answer comes from that adorable lavender pony I booped earlier. 'She still looks rather embarrassed. Daww.'

"Indeed. It's also my new home." She said that last part with quite a bit of joy. 'Maybe she's just moved in.' Judging by the smiles going around between her and her friends, she wasn't the only one happy about the move.

"Lovely. But, yea, this is a library. And it's in a tree."

"Yes?"

"And it's filled with books, said books being made from paper, with said paper coming from trees."

"...Yes?"

"Am I the only one who finds that just a tad bit ironic?" I was met with an overwhelming silence. "Huh, tough crowd." 'For magical imaginary talking ponies, y'all are boring.'

"All joking aside," came the voice of the larger of the two hybrids, her friendly smile still plastered across her muzzle, "I do believe it is time for you to fulfil your end of the bargain." 'Yea yea, hold your horses. Haha, I'm funny.' Ignoring her exasperated sigh - it was obvious she did not understand such high class humour - I gestured for the group to sit down 'Well I guess we should all get comfortable then.'

"Please do take a seat everyone. As you can see, I brought my own." Yet again, met with silence and the odd bit of pity. 'Wow, you lot really aren't that funny.' "Anywho, I guess it's question time. I'll answer one at a time, so please put your hand... well, I guess, hoof, up, and I'll pick whoever strikes my fancy. Deal?" They all nod, "Swell. Aight, whose first?"

Every hoof in the room shoots up. 'Oh boy, I'm gonna be in here for a while.'

Author's Notes:

Yo, I'm not dead, fellas.

Basically, I'll write a blog post at some point detailing where the hell I and my story went, but to sum it up: I dun goofed.

If any of my old followers find this, sorry for the old story going to hell. Big F indeed.

-The Sarcastic Brit, AKA Greyson.

P.S - I'm not sorry about the jokes. Wheely, I'm not.