Author's Notes:

Myeh.

I expected a big smack and some pain, but that didn’t happen. I had been stopped from making contact perhaps an inch or two from the ground. Then I was ringhted and put back on my feet. It wasn’t hugely difficult to work out what had happened.

Safe hands, Twilight. Well, hooves. Or horn? Whatever body part was involved in magic.

“Thanks, Twilight. Forget the stick, I should just carry you around,” I said, giving her another pat. God that came so easily to me now. She blushed - again! Oh, worth it - and passed me said stick, which I had dropped on toppling over. “Thanks, again.” I said.

With that excitement out of the way I dusted myself down and straightened myself out and had another look around. Streamers still present, balloons also here, music coming from...somewhere?

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were throwing a party,” I said to Pinkie.

Pinkie gasped, her eyes widening.

“You’re good,” she breathed.

Twilight interposed herself between me and Pinkie, looking none too happy.

“Pinkie! This isn’t the best time for a party! We - John got some bad news today”

“I know! It’s just awful, the worst. To be so far from home and to not even know what your home is like beyond a few scatterings of historical trivia and increasingly obscure references! That’s no way to live. But you have to live on, John! For yourself!”

She did an impressive hop from a standing start and leapt onto me, forcing me to bring up my non-stick holding arm to support her as she enveloped my upper body in a hug. The whole thing was sloppy, but well-meant, and again I was being crawled over.

Ponies, man. They never invent personal space here? Then again, I’m the guy who can’t stop himself from patting Twilight all the time so I can hardly talk. Swear I didn’t even get cuddled this much by my mother. As far as I know.

That gave me a stab. Don’t think about that, please.

Fortunately, what she’d said provided a good excuse to think of something else.

“Wait, how did you know about any of that?” I asked, cradling her.

“Spies, informants, intuition and informed guesswork,” she said breezily as she wriggled around against me, as though that was anything close to a satisfactory answer.

“Guess you’re a lady with a lot of, uh, hooves in a lot of pies.”

That just sounded gross. To be fair fingers weren’t much better. Who puts their finger in pies anyway? Someone has to eat that.

“Still, now really isn’t the time, Pinkie. You could have warned me!” Twilight said, glaring. She seemed a little angrier about all this than I might have expected her to be, but then I suppose people react differently to unexpected surprises. That and, you know, it wasn’t my house.

“Yeah, but you hang around with him all the time so you represented an operational hazard - you could have spilled the beans! That would have ruined the surprise! What’s a surprise party without surprise?”

“Just a party?” I suggested, being duly rewarded with a pink hoof thrust towards my face which nearly knocked me off balance again. I’m not sure what this gesture was meant to signifying, but the intent struck me as positive.

“Yes! And that’s good, but it’s not good enough!” Pinkie declared.

Her logic was undeniable.

As was often the case - is my curse - I could see both sides here, or at least what I assumed the two sides were. On the one hand there was Twilight and her palpable concern for my welfare, with me (in theory, if not in practise) distraught and in need of quiet time for reflection.

And of course the shock of having a party organising in her big fancy castle right under nose. That was kind of taking the mick.

But also, I knew that Pinkie meant well, and that cut a lot of mustard with me. I’m a softy, after all. That, and there was an effort of level involved here. How had she even managed to hide any of this stuff? I was hardly going to put my dick on Pinkie’s shoulder and throw that back in her face.

Besides, distraction was kind of what I was after right now, and what could be better, right?

Certainly, as much as I appreciated Twilight’s treating me as though I was made of glass and ready to shatter into pieces at any moment, I would rather put that off and just drown in noise for a bit. Shattering could happen at leisure, later.

If it had to happen at all…

“Worse things have happened, Twilight…” I said to her, and not for the first time. I hoped to affect an expression of ‘pity me and indulge me and your friend’, though whether this would work or not was unclear. Twilight’s reluctance was anything but unclear.

“You don’t have to humour her,” she said, eyes trailing from Pinkie to me. Pinkie stuck her tongue out and then whined softly as I set her back on the floor.

“Nah, I’m genuinely down for this. Besides, look at all these balloons: can’t have been easy to tie those off with hooves. Would be a shame to just pop them all.”

Pinkie gasped, horrified. I pressed on:

“One by one.”

Further gasping, now somewhat strangulated.

“While the rest of them watch.”

Pinkie fainted, or appeared to faint, flopping limply across my feet. This was better than I might have hoped for. Did remind me I needed shoes at some point, though. Hell, I’d settled for slippers. Twilight didn’t seem impressed by Pinkie’s reaction.

“If you’re sure,” she said.

“Totally. I mean, you’re probably the more aggrieved party here, this being your home and all”.

“Oh I’m fine, I’m used to this sort of thing. I just thought you’d need some time, is all.”

“Maybe. Maybe later. Right now it’d feel good to just be in the moment. Thanks for thinking of me, though. You don’t ever seem not to!”

More blushing, practically incandescent. Oh Twilight, you adorable thing, you.

“S’no big deal just wanna make sure you’re okay…” she mumbled, kicking her hooves. I gave her another ruffle because I couldn’t stop myself. It just came so easily! Must have been something about her.

I assumed there would be more party to come, and it wasn’t just streamers and balloons and the three of us. That would have been a bit underwhelming. And kind of weird.

“It’s not just going to be us, is it?” I asked Pinkie’s body, lifting her and jiggling her with a foot. This got an immediate reaction and she flipped right-way up ramrod stiff like someone had run a current through her.

“Final touches!” She announced, zipping off like a pink bullet out of the room, returning moments later somehow dragging a veritable constellation of equipment and supplies with her.

The table - which had been entirely empty on my and Twilight’s entry to the room - was laid by the simple expedient of Pinkie putting a rolled-up cloth onto it and rolling it out. This resulted in a table practically groaning under the weight of a prodigious party spread. I’m talking enough to feed as many people as were coming in at least twice over. Some of it was still steaming hot. Some of it was soup.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” I said.

By now the place was filling up with partygoers, too. I spotted Rarity and Applejack and also a couple of - shall we say - ‘background’ ponies who I vaguely recognised. The ones who waved at me. They all seemed to know what was going on and why they were there. Clearly they weren’t operational hazards.

Amidst all of them Pinkie wove, dealing with the final touches. This took her on a weaving circuit of the room, ending with her back by us again, panting quietly and looked very pleased with herself. And rightly so! One-pony-party-provider! Most would have dropped dead!

“Solid work, Pinkie,” I said.

“Thanks!” She said, mopping her brow with a handkerchief she’d somehow acquired and which disappeared just as quickly.

“What’s that?” I asked, pointing. Pinkie turned round to check then turned back again to me, smiling up a storm.

“A banner!”

“No, I figured that out, it’s just that even without me being able to read the thing I can tell that’s a lot of words for not a lot of banner. Just wondering what it says.”

“It was meant to be a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party but now it’s a belated ‘Welcome to Ponyville and also sorry that your mind was shattered by unknowable energies during your transition to our world and now you’re stuck here for good (possibly)’ party. It got kinda squashed,” Pinkie said, waving her hooves in the air for emphasis.

She wasn’t kidding.

It was pretty fucking funny, I thought.

“Isn’t that a little insensitive?” Twilight asked, frowning. I was too busy laughing. Something about the combination of how blunt it was and how Pinkie apparently hadn’t considered getting a larger banner to try and fit it all on just tickled me.

“Ah that’s pretty good. Yeah, I like that. So this is a party for ponies, huh?”

“Yep!” Pinkie said, nodding, then she seemed to consider the full ramifications: “Are human parties not like this? Is this the worst? Oh no!”

“No, no, settle down there. This is pretty well-translated. I mean, everyone’s shorter than me and everything’s kind of garish but to be fair that could happen at a human party, too. This is tops. Thanks again.”

That put the smile back on her face and the hop back in, well, her whole body really.

“Good! I have to set up the cannons!” She said, bouncing off.

“Cannons?”

“Party cannons,” Twilight said, as though that was in any way a reasonable explanation.

Visions of QF seventeen pounders danced through my mind, Pinkie in a Brodie helmet wrangling shells. Unlikely, but amusing.

“I’m going to go mingle. Watch me mingle, Twilight. Are you watching?” I asked, wandering off and making a very big show of looking back to check she was watching. Twilight rolled her eyes but couldn’t quite keep the smile off her face.

“I’m watching, I’m watching,” she called after me.

Good times.

I engaged in small talk! It wasn’t actually that bad. Most of those who I hadn’t already spoken to were a trifle nervous at first, but I put that down to the, you know, twice-their-size height difference. Once we got the ball rolling on such stalwart subjects as the weather or the quality of the party food things flowed much more easily. Nice lot, really. Very friendly.

Took particular effort to track down and thank Rarity and Applejack for the clothes and stick respectively. They both insisted it was fine and I should thinking nothing of it but I insisted harder that I was sincerely grateful and would make it up to them somehow once I’d worked out how I even could. They doubled-down on hearing this, and both swore blind that I didn’t have to.

I reached an impasse with both of them. There were no winners, only polite agree-to-disagreers. Irresistible forces and immovable objects and all that. I would have the last word, I’d see to that. All things in time!

He who is grateful and modest last is grateful and modest hardest! You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Ahem.

There were games, of the sort one might more readily expect at a child’s birthday party but hell, no expiry date on fun, right? I’ll pin a tail on anything for a laugh, me, though bending down to do it wasn’t the greatest. For the most part I left the ponies to the games and just wandered around fielding questions and waving.

Still, fun party all round. Certainly better than pondering life, the world and my place in it.

Though what would really, really help put a lid on that - I felt - would be a drink. A proper one.

Ponies must have alcohol, surely? What sort of benighted civilization didn’t? It had to be around somewhere, this being a party. I just had to find it!

There was a bowl on the table that looked to be filled with what I unfoundedly assumed was punch. I’d never had punch before, but I was aware that sometimes it had booze in it, and sometimes when it didn’t people put it in anyway, secretly. It seemed my best shot and, if nothing else, would give me something to do.

And that was what I was going to do, only instead I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and someone said very quietly and very close to my ear:

“Having a good time?”

A shiver ran up my spine so much I nearly snapped in half like a card table. Maybe hyperbole. Certainly though I yelped and jumped and found Celestia standing there grinning fit to burst.

“You!” I said, still shivering. “You, oh you! How do you - why do you keep - “

My brain then caught up. Celestia! Here!

She’s not the only one who can surprise people, though! While she was still grinning I lunged and I hugged and it was her turn to yelp in shock! Take that! I have the upper hand!

Though not for long, as it only took like a second for her to get over the shock and hug me back, rearing up and hooking her forelegs over my shoulders and around my neck. This put her weight onto me, which made my leg wobble, which made me very nearly collapse and take her down with me until she managed to just about keep me upright.

This gave me the giggles, which gave her the giggles, which just made it worse. I clung to her for dear life and giggled like a lunatic as she giggled like another, different lunatic, her wings around my back.

The giggling tailed off though, and then everything was warm and cosy. I wasn’t sure for how long. Seemed like a while. Eventually it slackened and she pulled back so we could actually look each other face-to-face. From very close up, to be sure, but at least there was eye-contact now.

“Do you often crash parties, then?” I asked.

She pouted in intense mock-indignation, a hoof to her bosom. If there was where a horse had their bosom. Which I doubted?

“Crash indeed! I was invited!”

“They’ll let anyone in these days,” I said.

“I know, right?” She whispered. Very conspiratorial. “I wouldn’t think of attending the kind of party I could be invited to. Well, normally, but then I heard you’d be here so…”

And we were grinning again.

“Maybe you need to raise your standards,” I said.

She went in for a nuzzle.

“Maybe…”

Someone coughed, pointedly enough and close-by enough for it to be obviously aimed our way. The hug relaxed and Celestia’s wings dropped enough to actually let me see the world again. There nearby stood Luna.

“Oh hey Luna, you here too?” I said. Super-casual.

“I am, yes.”

Celestia dismounted from me - ahem - and stepped back, wings folding against her sides. The party continued as pleasantly as it had been doing but I could tell a good number of those present were half-watching us. I mean, they were monarchs, right? Guess it’s kind of a big deal for them to show up at a party.

“This is - the party was a surprise to start with, but this is surprises on surprises,” I said.

“I invited them!” Pinkie said, proudly, appearing at my elbow. I barely reacted this time. “Celestia found you, after all, and it would have been rude not to invite Luna too! That, and I had an inkling that now was a good time for them to appear.”

Appear where? Here? They didn’t stop existing when out of my sight, did they?

“You’re very perceptive, Pinkie. Scarily, so. Like you have access to a higher truth,” I said.

Why was the word Malkavian coming at me? Didn’t really fit. Pinkie wasn’t mad, she just had foibles! Though every so often one did get the impression when talking to her that she somehow had access to the script by which reality itself was being run. Probably just paranoia on my part.

She bounced off. Celestia, Luna and myself did our collective best to gloss over what had just happened.

“We both felt it might be wise to see for ourselves how your recovery was progressing. The invite presented an excellent opportunity to do this. And to say hello. Hello,” Luna said.

This seemed a reasonable enough excuse. I could buy this.

“Well you’ll probably be seeing a lot more of me from now on until, uh, well a while. I might be sticking around, unfortunately.”

Their reactions kind of gave the game away on that one. Even Luna’s poker face flickered.

“Ah. You guys hear about that, then?”

“Doctor Knacker passed on his results as soon as he had them available,” Luna said. Celestia just nodded.

Boy moves quick!

“It’s not the greatest,” I said. This about summed up my feelings on the matter, at least right then.

“We’re so sorry,” Celestia said with the same kind of full-tilt warmth and sincerity she could seemingly muster up out of nowhere. She too looked like she was about to tear up, but she obviously had better control than Twilight because she didn’t.

Kind of wanted to hug her again, but no. I held off.

“Ah, it’s not your fault, don’t apologise. Not my fault either. Probably. No-one’s fault. Just one of those things. Shit happens,” I said, shrugging, and I could tell immediately that neither of them believed me or thought I was okay.

There was going to be a lot of that. I could just feel it.

The princesses had a little wordless exchange of significant glances.

“Would it be possible to talk privately?” Luna asked.

A lot like Twilight’s ‘good news and bad news’ these were words that rarely preceded anything you wanted to hear. But such was life.

“Uh, sure. I got a room? That’d probably work. S’this way,” I said, pointing. I think I was pointing in the right direction. I kind of had the layout of the place down.

You’d have thought that someone of my size slipping away from the party with royalty in tow would have attracted more comment, but nobody raised an eyebrow. Who would question it, after all? Twilight was coming, too, though I had no idea how she’d known to follow.

I led the way, feeling very self-conscious about them all bringing up the rear.

It was like having someone watch you eat.