You held your head in your hands, trying to control your breathing. This was fucked up. It was seriously fucked up. How could this happen? After all the time and effort you put in, it was all just going to fall apart in front of your eyes? You just wanted to punch something, to feel something crumple under the impact of your fist, even if it was your own knuckles.

"Just... why? Why are you doing this to me? Can you at least tell me that?" you asked, looking up with some hope that the answer wouldn't piss you off.

"I'm sorry Anon, I've tried, I really have, but you're just... not good enough for me. I tried hard to make this relationship work, but you just aren't putting the effort into it that I am. I need a man who can work with me," your girlfriend, or rather ex-girlfriend, said. You weren't sure if it was the fury you were feeling or some tears welling up in your eyes, but you couldn't even see her properly, her form little more than a fuzzy silhouette.

You ran an arm over your eyes, trying to wipe away the tears, and shot back "You want me to be something I'm not! I told you when we first started going out what I'm all about and you said that was fine, but over the last month you've done nothing but tell me to stop my hobbies, stop seeing my friends, and get a new job!"

"I'm trying to make you a better person! If you can't see that, then you're blind to what love is about. You need to sacrifice for your loved ones, and you've already proven you don't love me like I have you," she countered, the pretentiousness in her voice making you sick.

"Sacrifice? What about love being about caring for someone, faults and all!? And you're the last one to talk to me about sacrifice, you haven't done shit! I've asked nothing of you... except maybe a blowjob, but you didn't give me that either!" you shouted, knowing your neighbors were going to be pissed with you later. Fuck them, they didn't do shit for you anyways.

Your ex gasped, somehow taking offense despite it being the damned truth. "I've sacrificed my time and chances with a man who would give me what I wanted! You know what? Forget this! Enjoy being miserable Anon, because the way you are now, nobody is every going to want to be with you," she said with such hate, you practically felt it slap you in the face.

You followed her to the door, but didn't bother trying to stop her. You only wanted the satisfaction of slamming the door behind her, but even that wasn't enough, so you balled your hand into a fist and punched the wood. A stupid move, as you instantly recoiled, cursing as you hoped you didn't break anything.

"FUCKING BITCH!" you shouted, kicking the door next with your heel as you turned around, storming off into your apartment. You tried to control your rage, but it just wouldn't go as the thoughts of everything. After everything you did to try and make her happy, what you still ended up sacrificing to try and keep her around. You knew it was an unhealthy relationship weeks ago, but you didn't want to see the truth.

Your cellphone began to ring on the table, but you simply ended up grabbing it and tossing it into the kitchen, shattering against the fridge. Whatever, it was probably just another call from your mom demanding that you come to your step-father's funeral or prove yourself a terrible human being. You didn't want to mourn that asshole's death anyways, so it was better you just stayed away. Besides, you had to find out how to get what few friends you had before back after alienating them.

"Anon?" a familiar feminine voice called out, you grit your teeth. Seriously? Was she going to come back in here after that shit show and berate you some more?

"What the fuck do you want now? Haven't you ruined my life enough as it is!?" you shouted, turning on your heel to start a rant in her face.

Except, it wasn't your ex.

Standing at the open door to your apartment was a couple of... ponies? No, no, that wasn't right. They had wings and horns and... tiaras? They looked so familiar to you though that you-

"It's... it's just a dream, isn't it?" you asked, the sudden memory of just who Luna and Celestia were finally hitting you.

"More like a memory. We've seen many ponies relive their past in their dreams," Luna stated, taking a tentative step into the room, her eyes flicking about to take in the disorderly state of your living arrangements. Even Celestia, who usually charged to embrace you, seemed reluctant to approach you, tears welling up in her eyes.

"I... yeah, I guess it is," you sighed, turning your back on them so you could return to the couch and let the tension ooze out. Instead, you got not one, but two princesses pressing against your sides, their wings wrapping around you in a hug that helped pull the other closer against you as well.

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you had to live through such a thing! I can't believe anypony, er, anybody would ever treat you so poorly!" Celestia cried out, giving you a barrage of motherly kisses to your cheek.

"Indeed, we thought we were going to walk in on another sex dream, but never had we thought you would suffer through such a terrible memory," Luna chimed in, her voice far less motherly, but still quite sincere in her concern for you.

"Thanks, but it's fine. It already happened, so there's no need for me to mope over it all over again. Reliving it was bad enough," you stated, emotionally drained enough that you couldn't help but offer a weak hug in return for their kind efforts, but really just wanting to move on.

As she stepped back, leaving Celestia to cling to you in an overprotective manner, Luna replied "We doubt that. Memories have a habit of manifesting in your dreams when something you've experienced draws them back up."

Remembering something, Celestia reluctantly released you from her hug to look you in the face. "Does this have anything to do with what Strong Words told us? Because if you're seriously planning on marrying Chrysalis, then I'm highly disappointed in you young man," she asked, giving you a stern, but concerned look.

"No, I'm not going to get married to Chrysalis. Pretty sure she was saying that to egg Strong Words on, not that he needed it. Colossal douchebag," you muttered, trying to keep the cursing to a minimum in front of Celestia. You really did feel bad when she felt offended by what you said or did, accursed mom/MILF powers.

Giving a sigh of relief, Celestia took a step back, wiping her brow with her wing. "Oh good. So you having relations with her was also a lie then," she stated thankfully.

"Oh no, I fucked her alright," you corrected, earning a shocked look from both princesses. "Like, nine times in a row or something. Still trying to figure the blowjob into the math there. Besides, she just kept cumming over and over, it's hard to tell how many times. She's a total freak in the bed... although we did it all in the throne room," you explained. Man, you were really wishing this was supposed to be a wet dream.

"You... you've had sex with her?" Celestia repeated, clearly hurt at the idea.

"Well I had to... I mean, I didn't have to, but I used my command to make her have sex with me any time I wanted. Didn't Strong Words relay that part?" you asked.

"We thought he was over exaggerating, but clearly we were wrong," Luna stated, one of her eyes twitching a bit at the thought of you and the queen of the Changelings getting it on.

"Yeah, not gonna lie, I kinda fucked up in a couple of spots. Chrysalis totally used my own plans against me, and I'm certain she's not even aware of what I've got planned," you admitted, rubbing your arm awkwardly.

Wrapping her wing around you, Luna led you over to your couch to sit down. Once you were settled onto the couch, Luna joined you, with Celestia quickly following up on your other side. "Anon, perhaps it is time you fill us in on this plan. You left us last time without any warning about this plan of yours for the command, now we're learning you used it to have... relations with Chrysalis whenever you so wish," Luna inquired, trying to get some insight to your current mindset.

"It's simple really. I'm going to fuck Chrysalis into submission," you stated, the obviousness of the plan so apparent in your mind, it seemed ridiculous.

"You... that doesn't seem like it's worked out. You already said you went a persistent number of times, p-... pleasing her an even larger number of times," Celestia pointed out, struggling to imagine it. It didn't seem to be the fact it was you, or simply Chrysalis, but specifically the both of you, to the point she was almost sick.

"Yeah, she's a tough one, I'll give her that. I really thought I had her when we did upside-down anal. You know, blood rushing to your head while I was-" you started to say, only to get cut off by Celestia's wing over your mouth.

"Please, we... we don't need that visual," Celestia pleaded, looking very upset to get even more details about it.

Setting a hoof on your leg to get your attention, Luna said "Perhaps you need a new plan. Whatever it is, we cannot possibly imagine how it'll end up in your favor. Besides, as things stand, we... we can't reopen negotiations with the Changelings."

"Yeah, about that, did Strong Words mention how he alone chose to close the negotiations completely?" you asked, feeling a flare up of anger at the thought.

"Not initially, but we got him to talk eventually," Celestia answered, something about the way she said it indicated she was pleased with herself.

"He's been punished accordingly, but the rest of the nobles agree with him. Even with our words, most of them believe you're a Changeling sympathizer. Some even believe you were some sort of plant from the beginning, to open the avenues of discussion for the Changelings to take ponies and create a breeding farm," Luna sighed, tired of the political squabbles.

"That's ridiculous. If I really was a plant, wouldn't I be acting more like the helpless damsel-in-distress instead of openly admitting that my time with the Changelings hasn't been hell on Earth?... or Equestria? What the hell is the name of your planet anyways?" you asked, only now realizing that. Maybe this was a parallel Earth, but it seemed totally out of whack. Not just the talking ponies and no humans thing, but even the geography was off. That's right, you saw the maps, you weren't stupid.

"That is... a point no pony has bothered to make yet. We should bring that up during the next council meeting, if only to get the noble and common ponies back on your side," Luna admitted, the thought only now striking her.

"You've got quite the mind for political maneuvering. Perhaps we should assign you as an adviser once you return to Canterlot," Celestia suggested, her smile indicating she'd just like the chance to have you close to her again to baby as she sees fits.

"Well, politicians are a cutthroat, devious, cunning, no good group of liars, so... yeah, I probably could do that," you acknowledged with a shrug.

Luna looked to you, then to the room around the three of you. "So this... this is where you lived? Before?"

You were a little surprised she'd spring that on you in the middle of it, but looked around and saw it all again. "Yeah, this was my h- apartment," you answered.

"But not your home?" Celestia followed up, catching your slip of the tongue.

"No... no, not really. I've lived a bunch of places, but never felt at home in any of them. Always tried to get some roots in the ground, but some gust of wind always blew me away, like that bitch," you stated, waving your hand at the door. You weren't sure if they saw enough of your dream memory to see your ex walk out. "I was actually in the process of moving somewhere else after her. Wanted a new place to call home, if I could find one at all,"

Luna seemed to fall into a deep thought at that, caressing her own chin with a wing, while Celestia just wrapped you up in another hug. "Oh Anon, whatever could have driven you to think of such a dreadful memory?" she asked, trying to sooth you as her wing caressed your back.

"Just all of it I guess. The negotiations closing, Chrysalis turning things back on me, having sex with Apocrita, my shitty mat-"

"You had relations with who else?" Celestia asked, suddenly pulling away to look you in the eye, her wings framing your face to keep you still. She seemed hurt by the revelation, like you'd just twisted the dagger that was having sex with Chrysalis.

"Apocrita... did Strong Words not mention her? Son of a bitch, I harped on him for not bringing her a souvenir and he ignores her. I'mma kick him in the dick the next time I see him," you swore.

Slapping your cheek with her wing lightly, Celestia commanded "Anon, focus. Who is Apocrita?"

Shrugging off her wings, you answered "She's my personal guard. Chrysalis assigned her to keep me safe while I'm in the hive, although I guess that doesn't really matter anymore since I'm basically second only to the queen herself in love. But she's nice, I hang out with her. She was pretty adversarial to me at the start, but I got under that exoskeleton and found she had a heart. She wants to be an author actually, such a nerd."

Celestia snorted, releasing you from her wings and turned away. "So you just go mating with her? She your girlfriend or something? Cause I haven't met her, I haven't given my approval for this mare," she announced, the tone of a mother not accepting of the girl her son brought home.

"I'm not really sure what we are. I don't think she'd have let me do that if she didn't feel something, especially since Chrysalis already said she'd pretty much bite the head off of anyone that touched my dick that wasn't her, probably literally. She's got that whole mantis thing going on. Also glad she hasn't laid eggs in my asshole... yet," you admitted, thinking about how terrible it was going to be if and when the news hit Chrysalis. You probably needed to hide things, cover it all with... wait... cover... covers. "Oh shit! My dick's still in Ap right now!" you shouted, leaping up from your seat.

"What!?" Celestia cried, turning to look, seeing nothing obviously.

"No, not here, in the real world! We fell asleep like that! If someone walks in, Chrysalis will eat Ap for breakfast and lay eggs in my urethra for the sake of revenge!" you shouted, quickly turning to Luna, who only now seemed to be registering what was going on. "Luna, you got to wake me up, I need to get moving before someone discovers us!"

Sighing, Luna got up, her horn glowing as she looked at you. "We wanted more time to discuss things, but you must hurry for the sake of your friend," she agreed, her magic causing the scene around you to slowly fade out of existence. Before her and Celestia fully disappeared, she added "We have a plan now, but it's going to be up to you Anon. You need to put things right!"

You jumped up, the memories of your dream still fresh in your memory. Looking down, you expected to see Ap still nestled under the sheets, still laying atop you. Instead, you found the sheets pulled away, your flaccid dick, and a mess you were going to have to clean up, courtesy of yesterday you and Ap. Curse those assholes, you barely got enough water to clean yourself as it was.

"Anon," you heard Ap call to you. "We have a problem."

Turning to Apocrita, you were ready to speak, when the scene before your eyes silenced you.

"We're fucked."

Author's Notes:

Two chapters with some semi-serious themes going on in them in a row? Where's the comedy at!?... well, it'll be returning soon, but I have to remind you guys this is a story that's not just about dick jokes! It's also about humorous perceptions of MLP characters, like slutty Chrysalis or Momlestia.

Also, HAH! Love how many people admitted to being fooled by last chapter's title. Simply love it.