Hello, This is Not a Scammer, I Promise
by BronyWriter
First published
IRS scammers go after the Mane Six
IRS Scammers. We all hate them, and in Equestria, it's no different. Once technology advanced to the point of phones and computers, scamming came with it.
Unfortunately, not everypony is as gullible as some other nasty people would like.
Find this story and more in a print copy! Just click these words here!
Featured on EQD 11/26/18!
Applejack
It started when the phone rang.
Applejack looked up from her lunch and swiveled her ear in the direction of the ringing telephone. At first she thought that maybe, just maybe, it would be fine to ignore it. She'd had a long morning, after all, and her stomach was growling at her to eat before she went back to work. Maybe Big Mac or Granny Smith would pick it up.
The phone kept ringing.
Applejack grimaced and stood up. It seemed like nopony else would be able to answer for the moment. She ground her teeth together as she trotted into the side room where the recently installed telephone was shrieking like a newborn foal. She slid the headset on and pressed the answer button.
"Y'ello."
"Hello, this is Legit Collector from Equestrian Revenue Services. I am calling to inform you today that we have not received income tax from you for the years of two thousand and fifteen through two thousand eighteen."
Applejack raised an eyebrow, as she is wont to do, but didn't interrupt the person on the other end.
"In front of me I have a warrant for your arrest. If this matter is not resolved in a timely manner then the Equestrian government will seize all of your assets, including but not limited to, passports, identification, property, bank accounts, and you will serve up to five years in a federal penitentiary."
Applejack raised the other eyebrow.
"How do you wish to proceed?"
"Um... sorry, sir, Ah'm afraid you probably got the wrong number here." Applejack scratched the back of her neck. "Besides, Ah heard that the ERS don't ever call somepony. They do letters."
"We do not have the wrong number, and yes, sometimes the ERS does call ponies. May I start with your name?"
"Uh... Applejack."
"Okay Miss Applejack, listen to me very carefully. If you do not wish to settle this matter now, you can fight it in court. However, I wish to inform you that if you do so and lose, you will be subject to the penalties mentioned above."
"Okay. So how much am Ah owin' here?"
"You owe the ERS one thousand five... six hundred bits and thirty-fiv... seven cents."
"Uh-huh." Applejack rolled her eyes as it finally clicked. "Ah'm sure Ah do."
"Now before we continue I must ask you a few questions. Do you file your taxes yourself or do you have some third party do it for you?"
"Third party," Applejack replied, walking out of the house. "Filthy Rich has a real good tax lawyer and we always do our taxes through him."
"Alright, I must further ask you if this is merely a mistake on your part or if you intentionally are trying to fraud the Equestrian government?"
"Hmm." Applejack spotted Big Mac who was pushing their brand new lawnmower out of the barn. She waved to get his attention, and when she did, she pointed at the phone headset and mouthed 'scammer.' He smirked and nodded in reply. "Well, Ah guess it'd just be an accident. Not with me, though, with the lawyer. We just give him our tax stuff and let him do his thing."
"Very well, Ma'am. So now do you wish to resolve this matter here or take it into a court of law? I once again remind you that if we go to court and you lose, you will have all of your assets seized and you will spend no less than seven years in a penitentiary."
"Oh, Ah guess we could solve this now," Applejack said with a shrug. "Right now, as a matter of fact." She sat down next to the lawn mower. "Before we do, Ah have one thing ta say."
Applejack took off the headset, placed it right next to the lawnmower, and nodded. Big Mac nodded back and pulled the cord. The lawnmower roared to life with a nearly deafening noise that even made Big Mac and Applejack flatten their ears. She held the headset next to the lawnmower for a few seconds, then stood up and put it back on her head.
"How's that?" She only heard a weak gurgle from the other end. "Stop scammin' ponies. It ain't nice and it's gonna get you into real trouble someday."
With that, she pressed the button on the side and hung up.
Author's Notes:
I've had several of these conversations. I once told the scammer that I was Ted Bundy.
Rainbow Dash
It started when the phone rang.
Rainbow Dash expertly slid the headset off of her nightstand with a wing and, with one quick motion, slid it over her ears. She didn't even look up from the Daring Do book she was in the middle of.
"Talk to me."
"Hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Services. I am calling you to inform you that you are currently under investigation for tax evasion."
Rainbow Dash grimaced and rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh."
"Now, before we begin, I must ask you a few questions. Have you ever been charged with defrauding the government?"
Rainbow Dash lazily flipped to the next page. "Well, I mean... heh, sort of. There was this one time... Oh. Oooohhh, do you mean the Equestrian government? No. No not the Equestrian government."
"Ma'am I need you to take this seriously. Now, you owe the Equestrian government three thousand, nine hundred and thirty-three bits and thirty-nine cents. Should you fail to pay this you will have all of your assets seized and you will spend no less than eight years in an Equestrian penitentiary."
Rainbow Dash flopped onto her belly and put a bookmark in her book. In the corner, Tank gave her a sleepy look and slowly yawned. "Why, when they're not the government that I...? Oh, right, for the taxes thing. For sure. Hey, if they do that, are they gonna take my signed Wonderbolts poster, too? It's from a team when I was a filly, so--"
*Click*
Rainbow Dash grimaced and rolled around so that she was on her back. "Great. That was gonna be fun." She glanced over at the phone and sat up. She reached up to her head to put the headset back, but froze when an idea crossed her mind. A wonderful, crazy, hilarious idea. She giggled to herself and pressed redial. The phone rang twice before it was picked up.
"Hello, Equestrian Revenue Services, how may I assist you?"
"Oh helloooo daahhhhling, I just received your call and I am in such a tizzy worrying about it!" She quietly sobbed and clutched at her chest. "I don't know what I shall do if I am dragged away by the authorities! Who shall take care of my sister? Who--"
*Click.*
Rainbow Dash grimaced again. Maybe she had been laying it on a bit thick. She hit redial once more.
"Hello, Equestrian Revenue Services, how may I assist you?
Rainbow Dash cleared her throat and sat up in her bed. "Well hello there, pard'ner, Ah jest gotta call from y'all 'bout some tax thing? Got me real worried 'bout goin' ta jail and stuff, so Ah wanna fix it right plum now!"
"Yes, I can certainly help you with that. Firstly may I start with your name?"
"Well, it's Apple J Apple, sugarcube." Rainbow bit her lip for a few seconds to stop herself from laughing, took a few deep, silent breaths, then continued. "Ah was talkin' ta mah lawyer and he said Ah should call you all up and get it fixed so that mah taxes are as right as a rainstorm durin' monsoon season!"
"Yes, I am certainly willing to assist you. What is your lawyer's name?"
"Well, his last name is Hunt, and his first name is Imak." Rainbow Dash shrugged as she walked out of her room and into the main hall. "Must be some foreign name."
"I see, Imak Hunt."
"Yeppers. That's darn right. Couldn't be more right 'bout that. Right as a stallion who put his left hoof in a saw." Rainbow Dash went into her kitchen and opened up her fridge where a large cantaloupe rested in the middle of the second shelf. She took it out and held it under one foreleg while using the other to grab a large vegetable knife out of the knife block.
"So now we have a few options if you wish to solve this matter now. First--"
Rainbow Dash knocked on her wood countertop a few times. "Oh, wait, sorry. Ah gotta go get that. Don't worry, Ah'll make 'em go away and then we can go back ta..." She slammed her hoof hard on the counter once more, getting the nice sound of somepony breaking down a door. "Wait... now hold on, get that knife away from me!"
"Ma'am?"
"No!" Rainbow put the cantaloupe on the counter and began repeatedly stabbing it with the knife. "Ugh! Blugh! Beleegh. She's killing me!" Rainbow moaned. "Send help! I don't, belgugh, wanna die!"
"M-Ma'am?"
Just then the doorbell rang. Rainbow Dash scooped up the messy remains of the cantaloupe and flew over to the door. She threw it open, revealing Twilight, Applejack and Pinkie Pie. She gasped and flopped down on the floor, giving the cantaloupe a few more stabs.
"Oh, thank Celestia you're all here!" She stabbed it again. "I was on the phone with a scammer and when I wouldn't give him all my money he sent a pony after me! I think he's still on the phone now!"
"What?!" the scammer cried.
"I... I see the light!" Rainbow threw the knife and cantaloupe to the ground and wrapped herself around Twilight's barrel. "He's killed me! Find him, Twilight. Find him and avenge me! Trace the call! Don't stop until he--"
*Click*
Rainbow chuckled to herself and stood up, wiping bits of cantaloupe off of herself. "Sorry. Scammer. Had to sell it a bit."
"Y-yeah," I see that," Twilight said, surveying the mess. She grimaced and wiped a little cantaloupe juice off of her side while Pinkie burst out laughing. "So, I take it you haven't made the fruit salad for the picnic we're doing this afternoon?"
"Oh, um..." Rainbow chuckled and uneasily rubbed the back of her neck, glancing back at the mangled remains of the cantaloupe. "I've... kind of started?"
Fluttershy
It started when the phone rang.
Fluttershy smiled and put the headset on. Usually the only ponies who called her were her friends, and it was always nice to hear from them. She pressed the answer button.
"Hello?"
"Yes, hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling to inform you that you are under investigation for tax evasion for the years two thousand and thirteen to two thousand and fifteen."
"Oh my, that's serious!" Fluttershy said.
"Yes. Now before we begin, I must ask you if you file your taxes yourself, or if you go through a third party."
"I usually have my ferrets do them," Fluttershy responded. "They're good with numbers."
"Ma'am I must request that you take this seriously. If you do not resolve this issue then...
Fluttershy just tuned it out. She stood up from her couch and walked over to Angel Bunny, who had hopped into the room to see who had called. She slid the headset off of her head and gave it to him after whispering 'scammer' in his ear. He grinned and rubbed his paws together.
Fluttershy hummed a happy tune to herself as she walked into her kitchen to start lunch.
He wouldn't be calling back.
Rarity
It started when the phone rang.
Rarity trotted into the room, a pair of pins in her mouth and her mane frazzled from another all-nighter. She quietly sighed to herself and stuck the pins into the pin pillow before walking over to the phone and putting the headset on.
"Thank you for calling Carousel Boutique where everything..." Rarity let out a spectacular yawn and actually had to lean against the wall so that she didn't collapse. "So sorry, dear. Where everything is chic, unique and magnifique!"
"Hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling--"
"Oh you have got to be kidding me," Rarity growled.
"Ma'am, I need you to listen. I am calling because--"
"No you need to listen!" Rarity roared, stomping her hoof on the ground. "I have been cutting, measuring, sewing, and Celestia knows how many other things for thirty straight hours! The Grand Galloping Gala is in a week, and I am swamped with orders! Now I must be broken out of my concentration by some uncouth scammer?"
"Ma'am, I--"
"Don't you 'Ma'am' me, you miscreant! Last night I spent an hour sewing with a needle the size of a hair in a pony's mane trying to get the pattern I wanted!" Rarity stomped her hoof again. "Have you ever worked that hard? Have you ever put that much effort into crafting something with that much care and passion? I have half a mind to find out who you are and replace every scrap of clothing with sack cloth and last year's spring lineup! If you ever call here again, I--"
*Click*
Rarity glared at the phone as if it was the one who had called her, but otherwise didn't move.
After a few minutes, Sweetie Belle came into the room. "Rarity? I heard you yelling. Is something the matter?" Rarity didn't respond. She just stood there, leaning against the wall. Sweetie Belle slowly walked up to her sister, who was making some kind of noise. As Sweetie got closer, she realized that it was snoring.
She reached Rarity and looked up. Rarity was leaning against the wall, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly hanging open. She rolled her eyes and gently kicked at one of Rarity's legs. Rarity's eyes shot open as she nearly stumbled forward.
"Wha... who... I..." She blinked a few times before noticing Sweetie Belle next to her, giving her a flat look. "Oh. Sweetie Belle." Rarity yawned and scratched her chest. "How are you?"
"Go to bed, Rarity."
"Would love to. Can't." Rarity groaned and began walking over to her workroom.
"Go to bed, Rarity."
"I--"
Sweetie Belle lit her horn and grabbed Rarity's tail in her magic. "I'm going to start braiding if you don't go to bed."
"Sweetie! How dare...?" Rarity wobbled where she stood, then groaned. "Fine. Maybe a little nap is in order."
Pinkie Pie
It started when the phone rang.
Pinkie Pie poked her head into her room and bounced along to her ringtone for a few seconds before proinking over to her nightstand and flipping the headset onto her head.
"Hello, this is Pinkie Pie!"
"Hello, Miss Pie, this is Legit Collector from the E--"
"Ooh, a new pony! How are you doing today, Legit?"
"Erm... yes, I am fine, thank you. Now, I am calling to--"
"Are you having a fine day, or a really super, amazing, awesome day?"
"I... look, my day isn't important. What is--"
Pinkie gasped. "But your day is important! Who wants to have a bad day? Nopony, that's who!"
"Miss Pie, I need you to listen to me carefully! I am calling to say that you are under investigation from the Equestrian Revenue Services for tax evasion!"
Pinkie frowned and tilted her head. "Really? Huh, that's super weird. I always file my taxes on the first day of the second month!" Pinkie hopped over to the button for her party planning cave, pressed it, and slid down the slide with a 'wheee.' When she reached the bottom, she went over to a gray filing cabinet at the back. She pulled open the bottom drawer and sat down. "When did I miss something?"
"Our records indicate that you misfiled between the years two thousand and fifteen and two thousand and eighteen."
"Hmm..." Pinkie flipped through a few of the folders before finding the ones she was after. "Let's see. Two thousand fifteen... two thousand sixteen... two thousand seventeen... aaaaand two thousand eighteen. Okie dokie. Let's take a look." She placed the folders on the ground around her and opened them up. "So what's the matter? Everything looks okay."
"Miss Pie, it is likely that there was simply some accounting error. On our end it shows that you owe the Equestrian government two thousand, nine hundred and thirty bits and four cents."
Pinkie frowned and tilted her head. "Huh. That's not what my files say. Maybe I added something wrong."
"That is likely, Miss Pie. Now, would you like to fight this matter in court, or would you like to settle it now?"
"Well, I guess I can settle it now," Pinkie said, scooping up her files and placing them back in the filing cabinet. "What do you want me to do?"
"Firstly, do you have a local store around? A Barnyard Bargains, maybe?"
"Oh yeah, for sure!" Pinkie said, bouncing back up the slide before closing the door to her cave behind her. "I go there all the time for party planning stuff!"
"Very good. If you could go there, I will give you further instructions."
"Alrighty. It'll take me a few minutes, though. Should I call you back?"
"No, if you want I can stay on the line and give you instructions."
Pinkie shrugged as she proinked out of Sugarcube Corner. "Yeah, sure. I'm headed there now. In the meantime, we were talking about what kind of day you were having! You never said if it was just fine or super awesome!"
"It's... I don't know. Super awesome."
"Yay!" Pinkie said a little too loudly. "What is making your day super awesome? Did you have a friend come over or a party or your breakfast was super yummy or--"
"Um... my breakfast was very good."
"That's so awesome!" Pinkie said. She could see Barnyard Bargains just down the street now. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. What didja have?"
"Pancakes."
"Oh I love pancakes! Did they have chocolate chips and whipped cream and strawberries? Those are my favorite!"
"Yes, yes, they were great, now have you reached Barnyard Bargains yet?"
"Sure have. I just walked in the door."
"Very good. I need you to now go to the card section."
"Okay." Pinkie snorted and shook her head. "A little weird, but you're the ERS pony, not me!"
"Just let me know when you have reached the cards!"
"Okay, jeez, calm down, I'm here." Pinkie frowned. "Are you having a bad day already?"
"No, no, but it is good that you are at the cards. Now, what do you see?"
Pinkie shrugged and turned her attention to the cards. "Well, I see normal cards, Uno, Hungry Hungry Hippos the Card Game, a few expansion decks for the German Nightmare Game, Cards Against Eques--"
"No, no, not those cards! The other ones!"
"Oh." PInkie snorted and walked down the aisle. "Well you should have said so, silly. Okay, now I see 'happy birthday', 'happy anniversary', with anniversary misspelled, 'happy anniversary' with happy misspelled, 'happy anniversary' spelled right..."
"No no no! Not those cards either! Payment cards!"
"Oooohhhhhh." Pinkie giggled. "I see now. I'm gonna have to ask where those are, since I don't know."
"Are you bullshitting me?"
Pinkie stopped in her tracks and frowned. "Me? Do that to a scammer?" She let out a fake gasp. "I would never!"
"You're bullshitting me. Fuck you," he growled.
"Hey, that's not very nice!" Pinkie said. "But I guess it was a little rude of me to lead you on like that. Do you want me to send you an 'I'm sorry' cupcake?"
"You don't know where I am," he retorted.
Pinkie giggled and waved her hoof. "Of course I do, silly. I know everypony, and I mean everypony in Ponyville, so if you live here, I know just where to send the cupcake!"
"I... I don't live in Ponyville. Send the cupcake... uh... send it to your mother's dick!"
"Nope, I'm going to send it to you. Don't worry, though, it's gonna be really good!"
"I don't..."
"Well, I have some parties to plan, and my lunch break is almost over. I'll send you the cupcake when I'm off for the night. Talk to you later!"
Twilight Sparkle
It started when the phone rang.
Twilight didn't answer at first. She was engrossed in her brand new computer. So far most ponies around Ponyville didn't have one, not even her friends, but once she had installed it in her home she couldn't step away from it. It made organizing everything so much easier! With a little more work, she'd have a full catalogue of all of her books, and when somepony came to check one out, all they'd need to do was type the title into the computer and it would tell the pony right where the book had been filed!
The phone rang again.
Twilight broke out of her concentration and looked over to the phone. Oh, right. It was ringing. She picked up the headset and put it on.
"Hello, this is Twilight Sparkle. To whom am I speaking?"
"Hello, this is Legit Collector with Computer Company tech support. I am calling you to inform you that your computer license key has expired. If you do not renew it your computer will cease to function. It will expire in six hours unless action is taken to renew it. Would you like to renew it today, Miss Sparkle?"
Twilight rolled her eyes and leaned her head against her hoof. "Uh-huh. Sure."
"Very good. Now, may I have your computer's IP address, please? It will allow me to share your screen so that I may repair your computer."
"Repair it?" Twilight said, raising an eyebrow. "I thought we were reactivating the license key?"
"Yes, that is what I mean. Now, may I have the IP address?" Twilight rattled off the computer's number and pulled up a program she had created. She hit a few keys and after a few moments, the name "imbecile" showed up under a section labeled "other computers." She clicked it and a second screen popped up.
"Okay, so are you ready?"
"Yes, I am. Okay, firstly I must inform you that reactivating the key has a small cost of three hundred and fifty bits and nineteen cents. Is that okay?"
Twilight shrugged. "Yeah, I guess it has to be." Twilight highlighted a folder labeled "photos and videos" and, with one right click, several options popped up. She selected "delete" and the folder vanished.
"Hey... hey what are you doing?!"
"Oh, nothing," Twilight said as she started deleting his documents. "Why do you ask?"
"Stop that right now!"
"Nope."
Twilight heard a few keys being hit on the other side of the line, and his mouse icon moved to block her. She chuckled quietly to herself and hit a few keys herself, causing his mouse icon to vanish. With that settled, she hit a few more keys, disconnecting him from her computer. He couldn't see her screen, but she was still connected to his.
"This is not legal, Miss Sparkle! This is my personal property that you are deleting!"
"Hmm..." Twilight tilted her head. "Actually since computers are fairly new technology, there isn't actually a law on the books about doing this. Believe me, after seventeen calls from you guys, I checked to see if I could do this. Turns out, I totally can." After a few more clicks, she found the folder "program files." Out that went.
"I... uh..."
"Let's see, let's see..." Twilight hmmed to herself and went onto the internet. He had set his default home page to his e-mail. She opened up a new e-mail and selected all of his contacts.
Hello, I am a scammer. I wish to apologize for violating your trust, but I cannot live with my actions anymore. I'll probably apologize to each of you in person next time I see you, but I want to get a real job, one that helps ponies instead of trying to take their money.
"No, no, Miss Sparkle, please don't send that!"
"Too late, I already did," Twilight said before closing out of the internet and deleting all of his web browsers. "Seriously, I've had to deal with you calling me up a lot, and I'm sick of it. If you can't use a computer responsibly..." Twilight opened up a file on her computer and grinned. "Then you shouldn't have one at all."
With that, she uploaded the file to the scammer's computer.
"Wh-what did that do?"
"It's a little virus I cooked up for this kind of situation. Over the course of the next ten minutes or so, it'll delete everything on your computer. You'll basically own a really expensive paperweight. Plus, it'll sync to all of your login information. If you get a new computer and try to use any of your current logins..."
"Um..."
"Seriously. Don't be a scammer anymore." Twilight let out a happy little sigh and leaned back in her chair. "You never know who you might call."
Princess Celestia
It started when the phone rang.
Princess Celestia looked up from her paperwork and set her quill down with a quiet sigh. Ever since getting the infernal thing installed, somepony called her about something at least thirty times a day. She briefly considered ignoring it, but with her luck it would actually be something important. She shook her head and put the headset on.
"Hello?"
Yes, hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Services. I am calling to inform you that you are under investigation for tax evasion."
"I see."
"Yes. Before we begin, may I have your name, please?"
"I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, Leader of the Three Tribes, Slayer of Goldclaw the Dragon Lord, Warden of the Sun, Liberator of Manehattan, Sacker of Griffinstone, Liberator of Slaves, Destroyer of Armies, Defeater of Nightmare Moon, the Maiden of Dawn, Slayer of Scammers, and, at the moment, I'm a rather impatient pony."
"..."
*Click*
Princess Luna
It started when the phone rang.
And nothing happened.
Then it rang again.
Still nothing. Odd.
At the third time, a mass of blankets shifted on a large bed, revealing a dark blue snoot that belonged to one of Equestria's princesses. And Celestia isn't blue. Neither is Twilight or Cadance. That narrows it down a touch. The blankets peeled back ever so slightly revealing a single eye. Its gaze flicked over to the ringing phone, then over to the nearby clock and narrowed.
With a grumble, Princess Luna threw back the sheets she had been snuggling peacefully under and ignited her horn, lifting the headset off of the receiver.
"This had better be good," she grumbled to herself. She took a deep breath and sat up. "Hello?
"Hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Services. I am calling to inform you that you are under investigation for tax evasion."
"I was out of Equestria for quite some time and as such, I was not earning an income that would necessitate an income tax," Luna grumbled.
"I believe the errors in question are in regards to the period before you left Equestria."
"I highly doubt that."
"We have records saying otherwise. Now, may I have your name, please?"
Luna glared at the phone as if it was the offending pony. Instead of obliterating it, she lit up her horn and began casting spells all over the room.
"Why do you need my name? Do you not already know it if you are calling?" She cast a spell on the phone.
"I am just confirming your identity. I do know the name of the pony I am trying to reach, but I must make sure you are that pony."
"Oh, oh, I see," Luna said, sending magic through the phone to the scammer. "Well, what if I do not wish to provide that information?"
"Ma'am, you are required under Equestrian law to identify yourself if an agent of the government requires you to do so. May I please have your name?"
Luna paused for a brief moment and checked the spells she had cast. Once she had confirmed their success, she nodded and took in a deep breath.
"Ma'am, if you could--"
"I AM THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT, AND I SHALL NOT SUFFER YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT SCAMMING! IF YOU CONTINUE DOWN THIS PATH, I SHALL ENTER YOUR DREAMS AND YOU SHALL DESPAIR!"
For a few moments, everything was silent. The Royal Canterlot Voice had caused several pictures to fall down, and the windows had rattled from the force. However, thanks to the wards, no one outside of the room had heard the outburst. Luna sat as still as a statue, waiting for any kind of response.
"M-mawp. Maaawp," the scammer weakly moaned.
"Be thankful that I put a spell on your ears to prevent permanent damage. Now leave me and my subjects in peace."
With that, Luna slammed the headset back down on the receiver.
Chrysalis
It started when the phone rang.
Chrysalis sat up and raised her eyebrow. The phone she had stolen shouldn't have been able to recieve calls. It was just to hack into any phone lines to possibly spy on Equestria.
It rang again.
She shifted on the couch upon which she had been lounging and took the headset off.
"Hello?"
"Yes, hello, my name is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling to inform you that you are currently under investigation for tax evasion."
Chrysalis lightly laughed and shook her head. "Oh? Is that all?"
"Our records indicate that you owe six thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine bits and two cents. Should you fail to pay you will be sentenced to no less than nine years in an Equestrian penitentiary."
"Oh, well then, I suppose I had better pay." Chrysalis's smile turned predatory. "However, you must give me something in return for my payment."
"Um... what?"
"Your teeth."
"Oh, um, ah... goodbye!"
*Slam!*
Maud
It started when the phone rang.
Maud Pie slowly, carefully put Boulder down and walked over to the phone. She blinked and put the headset on.
"Hello?"
"Yes hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling to inform you that you are currently under investigation for tax evasion."
"Hm," Maud said.
"Yes, now before we begin, I must ask you if you are a princess or a powerful unicorn or some other manner of powerful creature."
Maud blinked again and looked down at herself.
"No."
The voice on the other end sighed in relief. "Good. Good. Now, may I have your name, please?"
"No."
"Ma'am, it is law that you must identify yourself to an agent of the Equestrian government, now may I have your name?"
"Who are you looking for?"
"Ma'am, you must--"
"You said I'm under investigation. So you already know who I am."
"Ma'am, you owe the Equestrian government ten thousand, nine hundred and sixty-three bits!"
Maud shook her head. "No."
"Yes, you do!"
Maud shook her head. "No."
"I insist that you do, and if you do not pay then you will be sentenced to no less than nine years in an Equestrian penitentiary!"
Maud shook her head. "No."
"Stop saying that!"
Maud blinked. "Okay."
"Now, there are several ways we can go about this. First--"
"You're a scammer," Maud said.
"I... I am not! As I was saying..."
Maud took the headset off and walked over to Boulder. She put the earpiece next to him, then walked away to go back to the quartz she had been examining.
"-- payment cards. Now... Ma'am, are you listening to me?"
Boulder was neither listening to him, nor a ma'am. He was, however, sitting there.
"You know what you are? You are a terrible pony! You steal and lie about it! I am trying to help you make it right!"
Boulder was neither a lying thief, nor a pony. He was, however, sitting there.
"You know what? Fuck you! I hope you rot in jail forever! You are the worst ever!"
Boulder was neither the worst ever, nor capable of rotting like a living thing. He was, however, sitting there.
"Gah! Fuck you!"
*Slam!*
Trixie
It started when the phone rang.
Trixie (The Great and Powerful Trixie to you) frowned and sat up in her hammock in her wagon and lit her horn, floating the headset over to her.
"Hello? Who is this? How did you get this number?"
"Yes hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Services. I am calling to inform you that you are currently under investigation for tax evasion. If you do--"
"No, Trixie does not have to pay income taxes," Trixie growled. "Trixie is sick of these calls!"
"Ma'am, all ponies must pay an income tax, regardless of desire. Failure to do so may result in seizure of property, bank accounts, passports, and any other things we must use to pay off your debt, on top of spending ten years in an Equestrian penitentiary for tax evasion! Should you not have the means to pay off your debt, you shall spend another two years in prison."
"Debtor's prison hasn't been legal since before Nightmare Moon, dummy," Trixie grumbled. "Besides, Trixie doesn't need to pay income tax because Trixie doesn't have an income, and never has!"
"Oh, um... let me see... Ah, yes, right, that's the issue. It isn't income tax, it's the inheritance mon--"
"Trixie doesn't have an inheritance either," Trixie said flatly. "Neither does she have a patron or any third party means of supporting herself."
"Ma'am, are you Trixie's lawyer or some other entity representing her?"
"No, this is Trixie!"
"Are you referring to yourself in the third person?"
"Yes."
"Why in Equestria would you feel the need to do that?"
"When you are your own promoter, you develop some quirks," Trixie replied with a satisfied smile. "Now, then, as Trixie was saying, she doesn't have to pay income tax because she doesn't have an income. Trixie supports herself from tips."
"Tips?"
Trixie nodded. "Yes. Trixie is a traveling magician. She supports herself via a tip jar she has during her performances. Under section four-three-C-five subsection nine-C of the Equestrian Tax Code..." Trixie cleared her throat and levitated a thick blue book over to her, flipping through it until she found the page she wanted. "Trixie quotes: 'ponies who receive tips and other small forms of payment not representing an official income shall not be required to declare them on their tax forms.' There are a bunch of other boring lines, but Trixie feels that she has read the pertinent part."
"So... you are evading income tax?"
Trixie shook her head. "No, haven't you been listening? Trixie only ever receives tips, which aren't taxable! Trixie does not know how many times she has had to explain this to you ponies! Trixie paid a tax lawyer a lot of her tips to confirm that this is totally legal!" Trixie chuckled and said to herself, "if a little dubious."
"W-well I... that... no, no you're taking that from an outdated source! Yeah, that's it! We changed the tax code to include tip amounts over a hundred bits! Anything above that is taxable and must be declared!"
"Well when did you change the law?" Trixie asked, closing the book and tossing it aside.
"We changed it at the start of the last tax season."
Trixie shrugged. "Well then, Trixie supposes that she's still in the clear, because her tips have only just become eligible income. Also, by the way, may Trixie have your ERS Identification Number?"
"Erm... my what?"
"ERS Identification number. Trixie has done a lot of research into tax laws and the ERS, and according to..." Trixie grabbed the book again and opened it up to a bookmarked page. "Section six-two-C-nine-B-8 subsection C-3 of the Equestrian tax code, and Trixie quotes again, 'upon request a member of the ERS must give their name and identification number." Trixie put the book aside again. "And there's more boring legal stuff, but you have to give Trixie your ID number."
"It's... um..."
"One-four-four-I-Am-A-Scammer?" Trixie guessed. "Trixie is tired of this. She hopes you get attacked by an Ursa Major. Goodbye."
Tempest
It started when the phone rang.
Twilight Sparkle and Tempest Shadow both looked up from the books they had been engaged in and stared at the phone for a few seconds before both got to their hooves and walked over to it.
"It's probably for you," Tempest said.
Twilight shrugged and nudged the phone over to Tempest. "Maybe, but this will give you a chance to interact with some ponies. You can't just hang around me all of the time. Think of this as another friendship lesson!"
Tempest quietly sighed as the phone rang again. "Perhaps, but I think it's better that you do it. Your friends are the ponies who call here the most."
"Well, then you can talk to one of my friends." Twilight elbowed Tempest and motioned to the phone with a wing. "Come on. You'll do fine. I'll even put it on speaker so I can listen to how you do."
"If you say so," Tempest said with a shake of her head. "Very well, Twilight. I'll try it your way."
"I know you'll do great!" Twilight pushed the speaker button and walked over to a stack of books to refile. "I'll be right here."
Tempest took another deep breath, took the headset off of the receiver and placed it over her head. "Good afternoon. This is Tempest. At Castle Friendship. To whom am I speaking?"
"Yes, this is Legit Collector with the Equestrian Revenue Services. We are calling to inform you that you are currently under investigation for tax evasion."
Tempest raised an eyebrow. "I thought I'd been pardoned of all crimes against Equestria."
"I um... yes... well, not this one. We were not made aware of it. In front of me I have a warrant for your arrest, which I will sign and deliver to the local law enforcement if you do not pay the required amount of nine thousand, two hundred and fifty-five bits and thirty cents. Failure to pay will result in seizure of all property, bank accounts, passports, and other items we may use to pay off the debt. On top of that, you will also receive ten years in an Equestrian penitentiary."
Tempest's eyes narrowed and she began grinding her hoof into the floor.
"If you pay the full amount now, we will consider the matter closed. If you fight the matter in court and lose you will be subject to the penalties I have mentioned."
Tempest bared her teeth and ground her hoof into the floor hard enough that she began cracking the crystal.
"Oh, um... you can hang up on him, Tempest," Twilight said, rushing over to her. "He's just--"
"How dare you," Tempest growled. "How dare you attempt to scam me!"
"Miss Tempest, this is not a scam. You--"
"I have commanded armies! I have been at the head of the force that conquered your pathetic nation! I have turned your princesses into stone and chained your fellow subjects!" Tempest roared. She tore the headset off and threw it on the table. "I will not be insulted by the likes of you!"
Twilight flattened her ears and gingerly walked up to Tempest. "Tempest, there's no reason to get this angry. It's just a scammer. Remember your friendship lessons!"
Tempest scoffed and wheeled around. "Friendship lessons? Your nation is weak to allow one such as him to even exist! In the Storm King's nation we would have put him to the sword! If he--"
Twilight sighed. Here she went again. She'd learned months ago that it was just best to let Tempest tire herself out instead of attempting to stop her. Twilight picked up the phone headset and put it on before looking back to Tempest, who had begun ranting and pacing.
"I'm pretty sure that I told you about the risks involved in scamming?"
"Oh... oh it's you. What the heck is her problem?"
"Well, she's been through a lot lately, and she doesn't handle frustration well. We're working with her on it."
"And if I ever get my hooves on him, I will not show him--"
"Plus she's been raised in an environment that's not quite as... peaceful as ours."
"I... see? So she's just going to go on like that."
Twilight looked back at Tempest and saw that Starlight had poked her head into the room. Starlight sighed and gingerly walked up to her.
"Hey there, buddy. The sun's going down--"
"--standards! You need to prove to him that you are not one to be trifled with, Sparkle. That is the only way you're going to be respected in--"
Twilight shook her head. "Yeah, of all of the ponies you've called, she's probably the one you least want to get her hooves on you. She wasn't lying about leading an army and taking over Canterlot. Plus she learned how to torture and stuff, so there's that too."
"Oh. Oh I get it. This is another attempt to get me all freaked out while you have a laugh at me. Well it won't work, Miss Sparkle! You're not going to fool me this time! You're lying about this Tempest pony and what she does. Go fuck yourself."
*Click*
Twilight flinched when she heard crashing behind her, alongside Starlight's futile attempts to calm Tempest. She sighed and shook her head, gently placing the headset back onto the receiver.
"I'm... really not."
Author's Notes:
I had fun with this one. Glad you guys still like it.
On that note, everyone has their favorite chapter. Since I'm curious, I'd be interested in seeing how you guys rank each chapter if you would be open to doing that.
Special Agent Bon Bon
it started when the phone rang.
Bon Bon (or Special Agent Sweetie Drops, but most ponies didn't know that) closed the folder of super secret documents that she had been flipping through. She grimaced and picked up another folder of equally secret documents. So far nothing that revealed the source of an increase of magical hornets in one subsection of Baltimare. But they were close. She could feel it.
Her day continued when the phone rang.
Right.
She put the folder down, adjusted her super cool sunglasses, and picked up the headset. "Six-one-one-four."
Now, the other pony was supposed to say two-nine-nine-eight to show that they were part of her super-secret organization and had something to tell her. Instead...
"Hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling to inform you that you are under investigation for tax evasion. If you do not...
Bon Bon's eyes narrowed and she walked over to a pair of ponies all sitting at computers, typing away at whatever super secret things had been assigned to them. She waved to get their attention and pointed to the phone, pulling the mouthpiece of the headset away for a moment.
"Scammer," she whispered.
The tech team grinned and one of them opened up a new program on her computer, while another one stood up and put a small device on the headset. Bon Bon nodded and readjusted the headset.
"Just keep him on the line for a few minutes," the tech pony at the computer said, typing away quickly.
"Definitely." Bon Bon cracked her neck and went back to paying attention to the scammer.
"--passports and other assets we may use to help pay off your debt."
"Oh, uh, that sounds kind of serious," Bon Bon said, taking a seat next to the computer tech. "So I think I should have the bits on hoof to pay that off. How much was it again?"
"It was four thousand, nine hundred and fifty-two bits and ninety nine cents. You say you have that amount on hoof?"
"I think so," Bon Bon replied.
"Just a little longer," the tech muttered. "He's bouncing his signal through a lot of places from Baltimare to Canterlot. He's even bounced it off of the one tower in Yakyakistan."
"Well, what do you want me to do, then?" Bon Bon asked the scammer. "Should I leave a bag of bits outside of my door to be collected, or can I Just go to the ERS offices on 165 West Celestial Street in Canterlot?"
""Oh, uh... n-no, we don't usually need you to do that. It would take a lot of bits and be a little unwieldy."
Bon Bon frowned and tilted her head. "If I'm doing the math right, and I was paying in hundred bit coins, which I would be, then I'd need about forty-nine coins. That's not terribly ridiculous. Besides, the ERS is a government agency. Why do you care how many bits there are, as long as I get a receipt for them to show that I actually paid, of course. I can be on the next train to Canterlot once I stop at my bank. It's not like I'm going to mail that many bits."
"Just a little longer..." The tech pony poked her tongue out the side of her mouth, her hooves almost a blur from the speed of her typing.
"Also, should I give them directly to you, Legit?" Bon Bon asked. "We're the ones who've had this conversation and all, and I'm sure that you're supposed to file paperwork stating that we've talked. So--"
"Oh shit, you're tracing this? Fuck you! You'll never find me!"
*Slam*
Bon Bon groaned and slid the headset off. "Did you get him?"
The tech grumbled to herself and thunked her head on her desk. "So... close. Probably just another five seconds or so. I've traced his general location, though."
"Oh?" Bon Bon stood up and put the headset back on the receiver. "Where?"
"Ponyville."
"Of course."
Prince Blueblood
It started when the phone rang.
Prince Blueblood sat up in bed and raised an eyebrow. Nopony was supposed to have his phone number. Although, he had given it out to a few of the pretty mares at the bar he'd visited last night. Of course, he was in disguise, so nopony should have been able to guess that it was him. He shrugged and sat up out of bed, lighting his horn and sliding the gold, jewel-encrusted headset on.
"Hello? Who is this? Why are you disturbing my sleep?"
"Oh thank goodness! I was afraid that I wasn't going to get through to somepony! I need your help right away!"
Blueblood rolled his eyes and laid back down in bed. "Oh, how terrible for you. What petty problems are you trying to bore me with?"
"I have recently come into some money through inheritance, but I find myself unable to collect it because of some terrible tax laws. If I go through normal channels, it shall be taxed up to fifty percent, and I cannot afford that!"
"Hmm. I see." Blueblood chuckled to himself and shook his head. "How much money are we talking about?"
"I am currently about to receive ten million bits from my recently deceased grandmare."
Blueblood's eyes widened. "That much? My word. That would be quite a sum. But what are you calling me for?"
"I need somepony to transfer the money to. It's a little backdoor, so you couldn't ever tell anypony about it. It would save me millions! In return for your help, I am willing to give you a million bits as payment for your time."
Blueblood grinned and shot out of bed. "Oh, of course! Of course!" He giggled and began pacing back and forth. "Although, if it's not totally above board, I will require a little more than that. Say, three million bits?"
"Oh, oh no that is still too much. Thank you, but I will try somepony else."
"Nono, wait!" Blueblood stopped pacing. "Aha, I was... jesting. One million bits is a good amount. Yes. Quite fair. So, what do you need me to do?"
"Are... are you serious? Do you really want to do this?"
"Yes, yes," Blueblood snapped. "What do you need from me?"
"I... aha... ahahahahah! Oh sweet joy! Today is finally the day!"
"Yes it is, now--"
"Oh... oh I'm sorry, I need a moment. Ha. Ahahah! Yes yes yes! Ooh, weeks of tribulation! All of it worth it!"
"It will be when I get my million bits!" Blueblood growled. "NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED!"
"Oh... aha. Yes. Yes, I just need your checking account number and routing number. That's all." The voice let out a happy sigh. "Oh. Sweet joy. Sweet, sweet joy."
Blueblood frowned and tilted his head. "Are you alright? You've really been waiting for this."
"More than you can ever imagine. More than you can imagine. Now, I need those numbers."
"Of course, of course. I think I have a bank statement somewhere. Give me a moment."
"Take all of the time you need!"
"Yes, quite."
Blueblood walked over to a large stack of papers lying on the floor next to the door. He frowned and began flipping through them. Junk. Junk. Fan letter possibly containing some form of poison. Marriage proposal. Junk. Junk.
As he flipped through them, the door to his room opened. He glanced aside and saw Celestia walk in, frowning at him.
"Blueblood, what is going on? I heard you yelling. I something wrong?"
Blueblood giggled and began flipping through the papers with increased zeal. "No no, Auntie Tia. Nothing is wrong at all! Everything is going right for once because... aha!" Blueblood grabbed one of the papers and brought it closer so he could read it. "I'm coming into some money soon."
Celestia's eyes narrowed. "Oh? How?"
Blueblood waggled his hoof. "Now that would be telling. Suffice it to say, I should be able to pay you back soon."
"That will be the day," Celestia muttered. She walked up to Blueblood and lit her horn, tearing the headset off of Blueblood's head. He gasped and swiped at it.
"No! It's my money!"
Celestia tisked and encased Blueblood in a shield before putting the headset on.
"Hello? Hello? Is something wrong? Do you have the numbers?"
"Lady of Light, Celestia the Wise, Bringer of the Dawn, Warrior of Fire--"
"Oh fuck!"
"Celestia the Dragonblade, The Bane of Necromancers, She Born of the Sun, Defeater of Chaos, Celestia the Just, The Guiding Hoof of Equestria--"
"NOOOOOOOOO! Celestia fucking dammit!" Celestia heard something crash on the other end of the line, as though something was being thrown through a window. "You couldn't let me have just this one?!"
"Bringer of Peace, Lady Protector, Bringer of Balance to the World, She Born of Fire, She Born of Sunbeams, She Born of the Dawn..." She looked over at Blueblood and shrugged. "Celestia the Powerful--"
"Just this once! Please just let me have this one! I promise I'll stop making calls!"
"Bringer of Order, Liberator of Equestria, Mother of Ponies, The Bright Diarch, Steward of the Moon--"
"I'll never, ever ask for anything from anypony again! I proommmiiiiisssee!"
"She of Fucking Dammit, apparently, Mistress of Good, Conqueror of Evil, Destroyer of Evil, Bane of Evil--"
"You know what? Fuck you! I'll get you for this! I'll scam every penny out of every pony in all of Equestria! Then you'll know that you should have given into my demands! I... I... fuck you!"
*SLAM!*
Celestia sighed and shook her head as she slid the headset off. She looked over to Blueblood and saw that his eyes were wide and his jaw was nearly on the floor. She made a quiet noise of disgust to herself, placed the headset back on the receiver, then tore the whole thing out of the wall.
"Wait, wait no, Auntie Tia! That's my telephone!"
Celestia rolled her eyes and dissipated the shield. Blueblood rushed to block her, but she made it out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Blueblood squeaked when he heard several locks being clicked shut on his door.
"Oh... oh is that the way of it? You're just jealous! You're stealing my money! You can't do this!" Blueblood groaned and sat down on the floor. "You can't."
Author's Notes:
Celestia: "As much as he may deserve it, there are, unfortunately, still standards I must uphold."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders
It started when the phone rang.
For a moment all that could be heard was the sound of three sets of filly-sized hooves rushing up the ramp to the Official Clubhouse of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. The trio reached the phone and Apple Bloom pressed the speaker button on the phone as the other two sat around it.
"Hello and thank you for callin' the Cutie Mark Crusaders, the ponies who help solve all of your cutie mark woes!"
"Oh, uh... Is this a business?"
The three frowned and all exchanged glances. "Um... I think so?" Scootaloo said.
"Applejack helped us with the paperwork once we started makin' bits from it," Apple Bloom said. "But we're more of a minor business, Ah think."
"The Cutie Mark Crusaders are a subsidiary of Sweet Apple Acres," Sweetie Belle said. "So I think we're okay."
"Oh, uh, well this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I'm calling to inform you that your business is currently under investigation for tax evasion. Our records show that the correct paperwork was not filed."
"Really? But Applejack said that it was okay," Apple Bloom said.
"She was not correct. According to our records, you owe the ERS two thousand nine hundred and fifty-five bits."
"How?" Scootaloo said, tilting her head. "We haven't made that much from being the Cutie Mark Crusaders."
"Maybe he's counting the gem we got from Spike when he was watching everypony's pets?" Sweetie Belle said.
"Y-yes! Yes that is correct!"
"But that was before we even got our cutie marks," Apple Bloom said. "Ah don't know if we could declare it as income if we didn't have the business back then."
"No, no, that is the issue. It's the gem. You didn't declare it as income. Now, there are a few ways we can go about this. You can pay the amount now, or you can try to fight the matter in court. If you fight the matter and lose, you will be subject to no less than ten years in an Equestrian penitentiary."
"Whoa! That's a lot!" Scootaloo said.
"Maybe we could get a reduced sentence because of our age," Apple Bloom said, tapping her jaw.
"No, that is not how this works. Now what--"
"Mister, do you have a cutie mark problem?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Yeah! If you do then you can pay us to solve it, and then we can pay the income tax!" Apple Bloom said with a grin.
"I... no, I do not have a cutie mark problem. Now as I was saying--"
"But you do have a cutie mark, right?" Scootaloo asked.
"Yes, yes, of course I do. Now--"
"Well what is it?" Apple Bloom grabbed a small chalkboard and put it on the table next to the phone. "You never know if you do have a cutie mark problem. Maybe you have one and don't know about it!"
"And if you do, we can help you solve it for the low, low price of three thousand one hundred bits!" Sweetie Belle said to the agreement of the other two. "That way we can pay you and still have bits left over to pay the income tax on the money you paid us!"
"I don't have a cutie mark problem, and I am not going to pay those prices! "
"Well, Ah think you might," Apple Bloom said. "Don't worry, we even helped a griffin with a cutie mark problem once."
"Plus, I don't think you're going to find better prices somewhere else," Scootaloo chimed in. "You should see what our Manehattan branch charges."
"I... I don't have a fucking cutie mark problem! Shut the fuck up!"
The clubhouse was silent for a few moments as the Cutie Mark Crusaders all exchanged glances with each other. It was Scootaloo who broke the silence first.
"Um... what does fuck mean?"
"I... uh..."
"Yeah, I've never heard that word before," Sweetie Belle agreed. "Is it kind of like..." Sweetie Belle grimaced and leaned in to whisper, "ponyfeathers?"
"Wait, are you three fillies?"
"Sure are. Ah know it can kinda be hard ta tell over the phone, but we ain't all that old. We just got our cutie marks a little while ago," Apple Bloom said.
"Oh. Oh. W-well, forget I said that. Forget I said anything."
"Well we still wanna pay the ERS, Mister," Scootaloo said. "We don't wanna go to jail for ten years."
"Well if you still want to." The pony on the other end cleared his throat. "As I was, uh, as I was saying. You can go to Barnyard Bargains and pick up some payment cards. F-from there you can give me the numbers on the cards and you will be all paid off."
"Alright. Then we should go ask Applejack for the money," Apple Bloom said as the three of them stood up. "Hey, on the way can ya teach us more swear words?"
"No, no I don't think that would be a good idea. Like I said: forget I said anything. Just go get the payment cards."
Just then the CMC heard the sound of somepony walking up the ramp to their clubhouse. They all turned and saw Applejack poking her head in, smiling at the three of them.
"Hey, y'all. Ah was about ta make lunch. You three fillies hungry?"
"We sure are!" Apple Bloom said. "But before that, we were gonna help this stallion out with his cutie mark problem."
"No, I don't... I don't have a cutie mark problem!"
"Plus he was teaching us all kind of swear words," Scootaloo said with a nod.
"Like fuck!" Sweetie Belle squeaked happily.
"WHAT?!" Applejack rushed over to the phone. "What is your problem?!"
"No, I wasn't teaching them swear words, I promise! I just slipped out and--"
"Oh." Applejack's eyes narrowed. "You. Ah thought you would have figured not ta call here again!"
"Oh dammit. Look--"
"Do Ah gotta get the lawnmower again?!" Applejack roared.
"Lawnmower?" Sweetie Belle muttered.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to call back! I'm sorry!"
*Click*
Applejack growled and turned to the fillies, her eyes narrowed. "Now that was a scammer. Ah don't ever want y'all ta do what he tells you, ya hear?"
"Oh, we know that," Scootaloo said with a wave of her hoof. "We weren't actually going to go to Barnyard Bargains."
"We just kinda wanted ta know how mad he'd get before he hung up," Apple Bloom replied.
"Good." Applejack stomped out of the clubhouse, but stopped as she reached the entrance and turned back to them. "Also, if Ah ever hear y'all using those words, Ah'm gonna wash yer mouths out with soap."
"We won't. We promise!" Sweetie Belle said, triggering nods from the other two.
"Good," Applejack growled. "Ah'll let you know when lunch is ready."
With that, she turned and walked down the ramp and away from the clubhouse, leaving the fillies staring out the door. After a few moments, Scootaloo let out a quiet sight.
"So who here already knew that word?" Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom instantly raised their hooves. "Yeah, me too. Rainbow Dash had a really nasty crash one day when I was watching her do stunts."
"Yeah, Applejack stubbed her hoof on a rock pretty good one time."
"Rarity had just finished a line of dresses that she'd spent a month on. Opal tore it up. I've never seen her that mad."
"Yeah, well, I guess we shouldn't use that word, then." Apple Bloom shrugged. "Oh well. Ping pong?"
"Ping pong," the other two said in unison.
Studious Collector
It started when the phone rang.
Studious Collector looked up from his paperwork. He sighed and capped his pen before lighting his horn and putting the headset on.
"Hello?"
"Hello, this is Legit Collector of the ERS, and I am calling to inform you that you are currently under investigation for tax evasion. Who am I speaking to?"
Studious Collector frowned. "My name is Studious Collector and I work as the head of the Canterlot branch of the ERS."
"DAMMIT!"
*SLAM*
Sunset Shimmer
It started when the phone rang.
The Human Seven all checked their pockets and purses for their cellphones, and it was Sunset who realized that hers was the one ringing. She sighed and shook her head.
"Oh, sorry, girls. One second." Sunset slid her cellphone out of her purse, hit the answer button and held it to her ear with her shoulder.
"Hello, this is Sunset."
"Yes, hello, my name is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling to inform you that you are under investigation for tax evasion."
Sunset frowned and put her phone on speaker, placing it on the middle of the table the group was sitting at.
"Um, I'm not totally sure how that happened. I've been getting my tax returns every year. I thought that the..." Sunset frowned and tilted her head, exchanging confused looks with the other girls. "Wait... did you say 'Equestrian' Revenue Service?"
"Yes, I did, Miss Sunset. Now, according to our records, you owe the Equestrian government nine thousand, four hundred and sixty-three bits. Should you fail to pay this amount then you will spend no less than ten years in an Equestrian penitentiary. Do you understand what I have just told you?"
"Um, yeah, but..." Sunset scoffed and shook her head. "I'm not in Equestria. I'm not even in that dimension. You've just called an alternate dimension where none of us are ponies."
"Oh ha, ha, Miss Sunset. I must ask that you take this seriously. Lying to an ERS officer carries an additional penalty of five years in prison and another ten thousand bit fine."
"Firstly, no," Sunset replied. "When I was Princess Celestia's student I read every book I could get my hooves on. Sometimes that extended to tax law when I was really bored. Secondly, if you check your phone I think you'll see that I'm right." Sunset smirked and pulled the magical diary out of her backpack. "Go on. I'll wait."
"Look, Miss Shimmer, do not be ridiculous. If have not called an... I... uh... WHAT?!"
"Yeah, I'm kind of weirded out by it, too," Sunset admitted as she uncapped her pen. "I'm also kind of impressed. Did you use Starswirl's third aerodynamic laws of aneomorphisness to configure the flange meter in the phone?"
Dear Princess Twilight,
"I... erm... I don't... I don't think so. Uh... oh dear."
So funny story: I got a call from an ERS scammer today.
"Well, I hope so. Either that or you would have had to use Princess Celestia's ninth concerto blast mixed with an ionized catfoot rune or else the phone would have blown up in your face and probably taken out the entire house you were in."
He's kind of an idiot
"I don't... think I did any of that."
as I'm sure you already know.
Sunset sucked in air through her teeth and grimaced while the rest of her friends tried holding back their laughter. "Well, if that's the case, then you're really lucky to be alive. If you want my advice, I'd pour salt into the phone and give it a good washing. After that, there should be a book in the library about cleansing rituals. It's called Redhoof's Radical Guide for Radical Rituals and it should have the info you need about preventing your absolute destruction. Chapter six, I think."
So I thought up a plan.
"I'm not so... certain about all of this, Miss Shimmer. If, um... I haven't felt any negative effects yet. Maybe I'm in the clear."
Sunset shrugged, took Rainbow Dash's phone, and connected to the internet. "Hopefully. It's hard to say. If things did go wrong, the first thing you'll hear is a high pitched ringing sound coming from your phone..." Sunset pulled up a video of said high pitched ringing, played it, and held it up to the phone.
"YYYAAAAAAHHH! OH FUCK!"
*SLAM*
Sunset smirked to herself and closed the video. "Alright, I think that's that."
If a stallion comes into a library asking for 'Redhoof's Radical Guide to Radical Rituals', you have your scammer. Best of luck with that.
Sunset.
Dusty Tome
It started when the phone rang.
Dusty Tome looked up from the books he had been stamping and picked up the headset.
"Hello. This is the Fillydelphia Public Library."
"Ah, yes... I, uh, I am looking for a book. It's kind of an emergency. Really bad."
Dusty Tome's mouth creased into a slight frown. "What book are you looking for?"
"From what I understand, it's called Redhoof's Radical Guide for Radical Rituals. It's... kind of important that I find this book as soon as possible."
Dusty's frown deepened ever so slightly. "Sir, that is not a book we have."
"Is there anywhere I can find it?! I've been calling around to various libraries and some of them just laughed me away! I need to find it!"
"Sir, we do not have that book because that book does not exist. To my knowledge, that book title is popular around Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns as a sort of hazing ritual involving tricking a first year student into trying to find it for one of the older students."
...
"MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
*SLAM*
Flim and Flam
It started when the phone rang.
Flim's face broke out into his usual confident grin and he leaned back in his chair after pressing the speaker button.
"Hello, this is Flim and Flam Industries, making all of your wildest dreams come true. Who is the lucky caller today?"
"Yes hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling to inform you that you and your company are currently under investigation for tax evasion."
Flim's smile froze and his eyes widened. He looked up and exchanged a glance with Flam, who instantly ran over to the nearby fireplace and lit it with his magic. Flim chuckled uneasily and cleared his throat.
"Well, ah... I'm sorry that you think that, good sir. Flim and Flam Industries prides itself on quality and honesty. We, uh, we also pride ourselves..." Flim looked up at Flam, who had opened up a filing cabinet and torn out several documents which he began promptly throwing into the fire. "We also pride ourselves on being the best."
"Sir, I have the documents in front of me here stating that you have failed to pay income tax for the last seven years. You owe the Equestrian government twenty thousand, eight hundred and fifty-seven bits and thirty-four cents. Should you fail to pay you will be sentenced to fifteen years in an Equestrian penitentiary, alongside having bank accounts, passports, personal property, and anything else we need seized to pay off our debts."
"Noooo, surely it doesn't need to come to that, my good sir," Flim said, levitating a paper shredder over to him. He floated the folders he had onto his desk closer and began running the papers through the shredder. "We can surely come to some arrangement."
"Am I hearing a paper shredder?"
"Certainly not," Flam called out. "It's just our... washing machine."
"My brother is right on the money with that," Flim said. "Although speaking of washing machines, your reception isn't so good. You sound like your phone has been dipped in water."
"I... it isn't important what happened to my phone. My phone... it suffered a little water damage during... routine maintenance is all."
"Well then you're in even more luck than I thought!" Flim said as he continued shredding documents. "Your phone certainly needs to be replaced. There's no doubt about it. Why, I'm surprised that it's even running at all."
"It took a little work. But... no, no we're not here to talk about that. What I want to talk to you about is your taxes. Yes, you need to pay those."
"Our taxes aren't going anywhere," Flam said after putting more papers into the fire. "Your phone could give out at any moment!"
"And that won't do at all." Flim tisked and shook his head. "Not at all, not at all. But luckily for you, Flim and Flam Industries is one of the leading provider of quality electronics in all of Equestria! Even the princesses themselves have purchased their phones from us, and they said that they might even reward us if the quality continues!"
"A knighting, she said," Flam chimed in.
"R-really?"
"As sure as I'm sitting here. We are an honest sort!" Flim said.
He emptied his shredder into a nearby trash can and started putting more papers into it.
"And it's not just phones we sell," Flam said. "We are also the manufacturers of excellent computers as well, if you're in the market for one."
"I... I don't want to talk about that."
"Sounds like you need to, though," Flim replied. "Come on, how can we help make your life easier?"
"My computer situation is, er, complicated. But I don't need one!"
"Everypony needs a computer just like they need a phone!" Flam insisted. "Besides, if you don't have a computer, how are you going to order our products? Our phones are ship-to only."
"We sell them with a thirty business day guarantee," Flim pointed out. "And that's not to mention the thirty day warranty that comes with all of our products."
"You can even finance them at a mere one hundred bits a month for twenty-four months, or fifty-five bits a month over forty-eight months!" Flam said. "It's a complete steal."
"Only eight percent monthly interest, and you won't find that anywhere else!"
"I dunno. That seems a little high."
Flim scoffed and waved his hoof. "For interest that low and free insurance? It's the steal of the year, nay, the century! These deals won't last long, so you'd better hop onto your next balloon to Cloudsdale and take advantage of our generous offer."
"And if you do it in the next five days, we'll give you three percent off of our best phones."
"Honestly, you can't afford to not do this!"
"M-maybe. Where in Cloudsdale?"
"Oh not too far from the balloon port," Flam said. "It's only a few blocks from there."
"Well, I'll check it out, I suppose. We'll talk later."
"We look forward to it," Flim said.
Flim ended the call and took a deep breath. "That was a close one. We'd better finish shredding these before he actually shows up."
"Right on, brother of mine. Until then..." Flim pressed a button on the phone. "Block the number."
Author's Notes:
This chapter is brought to you by they published version of my story TD the Alicorn Princess.
http://www.lulu.com/shop/bronywriter/td-the-alicorn-princess/paperback/product-23795746.html
Granny Smith
It started when the phone rang.
Granny Smith grunted and groaned as she slowly got up off of her chair, her joints popping and her muscles protesting the movement. She walked up to the telephone and put the headset on. It took a few tries to press the right button to answer.
"Hello? Who is this?"
"Yes hello, this is Legit Collector. I am glad that you have answered. You see, I have recently come into some money from an inheritance of five million bits lately, but I would rather avoid the inheritance tax. If you help me, I shall reward you with one million bits!"
Granny frowned and tilted her head. "Well, that does sound like a big problem there. Ah could use the bits fer sure. What is it you exactly need me to do?"
"Ah! Yes! Excellent! Thank you so much! I will be certain to reward you for your kindness. All I need from you is your bank account number and routing number, then I can process the transaction."
"Well that sounds mighty fine there, young'in. Just give me a moment." Granny Smith slowly walked up to an end table with a drawer, opened it up, and began flipping through the papers. "It'll be nice ta have some bits around fer once. Ah've been in welfare ever since mah husband passed away."
"Oh, I am sorry to hear that."
"Yes, it was quite the tragedy fer sure. He was tryin' ta get a new watering system up fer our crops, but Ah wasn't so sure that he was up for it. He was always really stubborn."
"Yes, that is too bad. Now when you find the--"
"It was a disaster from minute one, young feller. He musta hit some pipe or somethin' when he was diggin', because the next thing we know, gas is comin' outta the ground. He tried ta get it ta stop by throwin' a bunch of matches down there because he heard somethin' about fire takin' all of the oxygen out or somethin'."
"Ma'am, I am sorry to hear all of this, but I really don't--"
"'Course Ah only found out after the fact that it's an actual fire that you're supposed to blow up, not a gas leak. He had ta run his tail off to avoid gettin' blown up. The explosion just about leveled half of the orchard."
"Yes I see. I am sorry that your husband was killed in an explosion, but--"
"Oh that wasn't what done him in, young feller. He tripped on a rock a few days after that."
"What?! Then why did you tell me--"
"Oop, Ah got it! A bank statement."
"Oh good. Now I just need the account number and the routing number."
Granny Smith rattled off the numbers, then put the paper down and began walking out the door. "Hope that helps you."
"Yes it does! Now I can transfer... the money to... Wait, this account has closed!"
Granny scoffed and waved her hoof to get Applejack's attention. "Well now, that is odd, young colt. Ah should have at least ten or fifteen ducats in there."
"I... ducats haven't been legal currency in Equestria for a hundred years!"
"Oh, has it been that long?" Granny Smith tisked and shook her head. "My my how time flies. Seems like only yesterday Ah started up mah very own bank account. Put in five ducats and thirty-three cents. But of course, that could get you a lot more in those days. Not like now when--"
"Do you have a different account?! One that isn't closed?!"
"Hmm? Oh, sure, sonny. Here are the numbers."
Granny Smith put the headset next to the lawnmower. Applejack grinned and pulled the cord.
* * * *
"Legit Collector" groaned and slowly took the headset off. He took a deep breath and sat up from the floor.
"Not again," he grumbled. He pushed himself to his hooves, lit his horn, and crossed another number off of his list. "I'll get one. I just need one. Just one. He growled and slammed his hoof on the table. "Ponyville will not beat me! I'll get the money from one of these yokels if it is the last thing I do!"
He looked down the list of failed attempts and grimaced.
"It... ah... very well may be." He shook his head and put his brand new Flim and Flam Industries telephone headset on. After taking a deep breath, he looked at another number and began dialing it. Instead of the usual beeping of putting in a number, he heard nothing. Frowning, he checked under his table. The phone was still plugged in.
"What in the...?"
"Legit" typed in the whole number and waited for the sound of the ringing phone. He heard nothing.
"I..." "Legit" took the headset off and rolled his chair to another table where the box that his phone had arrived in sat. He lit his horn and grabbed the papers inside.
"Thank you for purchasing your new Flim and Flam industries telephone. It is the..." "Legit" scanned the paper, flipping through pages until he got to one about the warranty. "We have a two day warranty on our..." His eyes narrowed and he tore apart the paper. "Those bastards said thirty days!"
"Legit" rolled over to his desk and pressed the on button for his new Flim and Flam Industries computer. "I am going to give them a piece of my... my..."
The computer wouldn't turn on. "Legit" growled and grabbed the computer, tearing it off of the desk and throwing it through his recently repaired window.
"MOTHERFUCKERS!!"
Moondancer
It started when the phone rang.
Moondancer looked over her glasses at the ringing phone and quietly sighed to herself. She grimaced, put a bookmark in the book she had been reading, closed the book, and picked up the phone.
"Um... hello?"
"Greetings, my little pony. It is I: Princess Celestia. How are you?"
Moondancer raised an eyebrow and looked around her home as if expecting to see somepony pop through her window with a shout of "gotcha!" Surely Princess Celestia wouldn't be calling her. It was her voice, though...
"I'm fine, I guess?"
"That is wonderful. Most wonderful. I am happy when my subjects are happy, my little pony."
"I mean I just... huh?"
"Unfortunately, I cannot be happy all of the time. Sometimes ponies don't pay their income tax correctly, my little pony, and I have been going through our tax records and I see that you are one of them."
"Right." Moondancer rolled her eyes and opened up her book again. "I'm surprised that you're calling me yourself, Princess Celestia. I thought you might have somepony you delegated stuff like this to."
"Sometimes I call, my most beloved subject. I feel that a personal touch is best in the interest of not appearing too aloof to my subjects. I love each of my subjects dearly. Each and every one. However, a good ruler must use a strong, guiding hoof, and that means making sure that ponies pay their income taxes."
"Right, right. So how much do I owe you, Princess Celestia?"
Celestia gave a light laugh. "Not that much, my little dearest pony. You owe me four thousand, nine hundred and fifty-five bits and ninety cents. I am sure that you did not intend to defraud me because I find joy in seeing the best in my little ponies who I love like children. However, like any good mother, I cannot let you break rules. I would hate to punish you with ten years in a nasty prison. It breaks my heart knowing that there are ponies who have to go there, and I wouldn't want you to be one. You wouldn't want to break my heart, would you?"
"Oh, no, no of course not," Moondancer said flatly. "That would make me sad, too."
"It is as I said: I strive to see the best in my little ponies. Should you simply pay the amount I will not have to punish you. It is good that you did not do this intentionally. If you had, I would have had to put you in stone."
Moondancer gasped while still keeping her flat expression. "No, no! I wouldn't want you to do that! I'll pay!"
"I'm so proud of you for doing the right thing, my little pony. Now, I am certain that you have a general store nearby. I pride myself on Equestria being a happy, prosperous nation."
"Oh, there definitely is." Moondancer quietly sighed and lit her horn. This farce had gone on long enough.
"Wonderful. Once you are there you should see payment cards. If you just--"
Moondancer finished charging up her spell and shot it into the phone. Unfortunately for the pony on the other end, it had the effect of changing his voice into one that was most certainly not Princess Celestia.
"And then you can... erm... What in the name of...?"
"If you're going to use a voice changer, it's probably best that you change your voice to somepony more believable, or at the very least, study up on their speech patterns," Moondancer grumbled. "Now if you're done, I have a lot of studying to do!"
"Well... I just wanted to use a voice that... you might be more comfortable with. Nopony likes hearing bad news. I am afraid that you do still owe the Equestrian government five thousand, eight hundred and twenty-seven bits and ninety-four cents."
"But you said it was four thousand, nine hundred and fifty-five bits and ninety cents before."
"Oh, uh... no, I had somepony else's paperwork in front of me. Yeah, that's it! So if you could go--"
"Oh just leave me alone," Moondancer grumbled. "Go find somepony else to bother."
With that, Moondancer ended the call.
Flurry Heart
It started when the phone rang.
Flurry Heart's eyes fluttered open, and she looked in the direction of the ringing phone. She giggled and took to the air in the direction of the funny noise. She reached the door blocking her access to the phone and lit her horn to become ghost-like, then went through the door to the phone. She picked it up and put it on her head, just like she'd seen Mommy and Daddy do many times.
"Gabah?"
"Yes hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling to inform you that you have not paid your income tax."
Flurry tilted her head. "Babada?"
"If you fail to... wait, babada? Are you a baby? As in a literal baby?"
Flurry giggled again and clapped her hooves together.
"I see. I suppose that is just my luck." Legit Collector sighed. "You know, I never really wanted to get into this. It just sort of happened one day. Heh, I guess of all of the ponies I've called, a baby is probably one of the least dangerous."
"Brgrrrr," Flurry replied sagely as she lit her horn and accidentally shot a book through a nearby window at speeds normally reserved for bullets.
"Right right. Anyway, it's not like this is my cutie mark or anything. I think I have a really good cutie mark that's... well, that's not important."
"Stdraba."
"I know I've fallen victim to the Sunk Cost Fallacy, but I'm in too deep! I've spent most of my savings on equipment. At this point I'm just trying to recoup my losses more than actually getting a substantial amount from ponies. It might not be so bad if it weren't for those Flim and Flam ba-- I mean bad ponies, and Twilight Sparkle ruining my computer."
Flurry cooed happily and clapped her hooves again. "Anta Twili!"
"Yeah, Anta Twili. In any case, I don't know if I should stop or not. There are several ponies who would like to find me and, ehe, I wouldn't like it if they found me. I dunno. What do you think?"
"Kfercu," Flurry responded.
"I suppose you hardly know what I'm talking about. Well, thanks for listening anyway. I haven't had anypony that I could just vent to, you know? I think I'm just going to get one score. Just something to recoup my losses, you know? Then I'll try to be better. Maybe something to do with my cutie mark. Those three fillies... grrr... they might have been on to something. In any case... um... stay in school and don't do drugs."
*Click*
Flurry poked at the phone and frowned. Where was the other pony? She stared at the receiver and tried pressing a few random buttons, but nothing happened. After a moment, the door to the room opened up, and Cadance walked in.
"Flurry, what are you doing in here? You're supposed to be down for your nap!" Cadance looked at the book-shaped hole through the nearby window and sighed. "Come on, you little troublemaker," Cadance said, sliding the headset off of Flurry. "Let's get you back to bed."
"Scama!" Flurry replied.
Caramel
It started when the phone rang.
Caramel poked his head into his living room from his kitchen. He looked at the phone for a few moments before walking over to it and putting the headset on.
"Hello? Who is this?"
"Yes hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service. I am calling to inform you that a lawsuit has been filed against you from the ERS as a result of not paying the full amount for your taxes."
A flat look crossed Caramel's face. "Uh-huh."
"If you do not pay this amount, you will be sentenced to eleven years in an Equestrian penitentiary, and we will seize bank accounts, passports, identification, and any property you may own in order to pay off your outstanding balance."
"Uh-huh." Caramel rolled his eyes and sat down on his easy chair. "So how much do I owe?"
"Our records indicate that you need to pay six thousand, nine hundred and fifty-five bits and thirty cents to break ev... I mean, to pay off your debt."
"Oh wow, that's a lot of money. Oh dear."
"Yes, but do not panic, I... uh..." The voice on the other end sighed. "You're not falling for this, are you?"
"Not even a little bit."
"I figured. This was kind of a shot in the dark anyway. Speaking of a shot in the dark, do you know of anypony that may fall for this? Some moronic enemy that you'd like to see brought down a peg, perhaps?"
Caramel shrugged. "I got in an argument with one of the members of the Apple family that one time."
"Oh, no no no! No, they're off the table. No... aha... no."
"It wasn't a big argument, though. We settled it after a few minutes, really."
"Well, good for you. In any case, you, uh, you wouldn't happen to know where I could get seven thousand bits, would you?"
Caramel frowned and tilted his head. "I dunno. A loan from a bank?"
"No, my credit is shot."
"A job, maybe?"
"No, that would require a background check, and I really, really, really don't want that. I didn't think so. In any case, thanks for helping me out."
"Um, I didn't really--"
*Click*
Spike
It started when the phone rang.
Spike wiped his claws on his apron and walked over to the phone. He slid the headset on and pressed the answer button.
"Hello, this is Spike. Who is this?"
Nothing.
Spike frowned and tapped the side of the headset. "Hello? Is this thing on?"
"Hmm? Oh, I guess I hit dial by mistake. Sorry about that."
"Dude, are you okay?" Spike went over to a comfy chair and sat down. "You don't sound so good."
"Gbrfm. I don't know. I've been through a lot lately. I tried something that I really, really thought would work but didn't in the end. It's taken a little bit of a toll on me."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Is it something to do with your cutie mark? I know three fillies who--"
"I'm not going to talk to them. I refuse. Nothing would come of it."
"Well, do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
"Why bother? You can't help me. I'll just fail again. And again. And again like I always do. In the end none of it will matter."
"Aw come on, don't be like that," Spike replied. "I'm sure that whatever's gone wrong isn't all that bad!"
"It is. It really, really is."
"Well are you hurt?"
"Not permanently, no. Not that I haven't been hurt a few times doing this. I just... I just set a goal for myself and I really thought I could make it. When that goal didn't work out, I tried for a smaller and smaller goal until I wanted to give up. I really want to give up, but I've sacrificed a lot."
"Well then, it sounds like you shouldn't give up to me!" Spike said.
"I dunno. It's--"
"But I do know! I've done a lot of stuff that nopony said that I could do! I've literally fought dragons to become the dragon lord of the world, and do you think that it didn't come with a lot of challenges?"
"Well I suppose that it would."
"Exactly! You just need to chin up, pull yourself up by your horseshoes and just go for it! The world may get you down, you may feel underappreciated and that nopony cares for you, but you gotta keep trying anyway! The world hasn't ended yet, has it?"
"I... I don't think so?"
"Well there you go," Spike said. "As long as the world hasn't ended then you've got this! Who cares if the mare you love isn't interested? She may be someday and that's what's going to drive you forward!"
"I haven't had a marefriend in a long time. It's not like it's what I've been focusing on anyway."
"Well then you've gotta work at what you're passionate about. Think about yourself when you started. Would he have given up easily?"
"Well, I... no, I don't think so. Huh, I hadn't thought about that."
"There you go. Tomorrow is another day, so go out and seize it!"
"Yeah... yeah, I will! Nopony is going to stop me! Aha... ahahahaha! Nopony will stop me!"
*Click*
Spike smiled to himself and put the headset back. He stretched out on the chair and let out a contented sigh. "Sometimes I do alright."
At that moment, Twilight, Tempest and Starlight all walked into the room.
"Who was that, Spike?" Twilight asked.
"You got to the phone before we did," Starlight said.
"Oh, it wasn't anything important," Spike said with a smug smile. "Just helping a pony get through some problems."
"A friendship problem?" Twilight said, tilting her head with a frown.
"No, more like giving him a good pep talk so that he could get through some problems. He's been trying something that hasn't been working out lately."
Tempest's eyes narrowed.
"Spike..." Twilight took a few steps forward and looked at the telephone. "Did he happen to say what he was trying to do?"
Spike shook his head. "Nope, but I think that he's going to keep trying until he gets it. He kinda laughed like a madpony, oddly enough."
Tempest bared her teeth as Twilight groaned and facehooved. "Spike... Celestia dammit."
"I wish that it had been me there again," Tempest growled. "Then I would have shown him what it means to fear!"
Starlight grimaced and put her hoof on Tempest's shoulder. "Hey there, bu--"
"SHUT UP!" Tempest roared.
Discord
It started when the phone rang.
Discord, Lord of Chaos, sat up from his couch where he had previously been reclining and eating bags of chips.
That is to say, the actual bags. The chips themselves. All bounced away to areas unknown in Discord's dimension.
In any case, Discord floated the phone over to himself and placed it on top of his head after tossing the headset out the window.
"Hello?"
6
"Yes hello, my name is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Service!"
Discord frowned and raised an eyebrow. He seemed chipper.
"In front of me I have a warrant for your arrest! I will send it out unless you pay the Equestrian government nine thousand, eight hundred and sixty-six bits and thirty-one cents you owe from not paying your income tax! Should you fail to pay, you will be sentenced to fifteen years in an Equestrian penitentiary."
"Oh my, Discord rejinglejangleboomboomplied.
"
That sounds really bad, my good fellow. ''&"I will be sure to pay that. Would you like me to send it via express mail?".!
"Er... I suppose so. The address is--"
"Oh, I don't need that." Discorrri]rdd said. He raised his talon pawfoot and snapped it. "There. That should cover the cost. You wanted a million bits, am I correct?"
"Uh... I don't..."
Discord grinned ans he heard the sound of coins jingleing from the other side of the fon76..m "There. Now I'm all paid up for quite a while, I imagine, and I can imagine a lot."
"I... I..."
"Out of curiosity..." Discord floated into his kitchen and began taking bits out of the phoan. "What are you going to spend it on?"
"Oh, um, well, a better house for sure. Better equipment. I can spend it on a lot!"
Discord sucked air through his teeth, green clocked his tongue. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not quite sure what will happen."
"... Huh?"
"In that bag I have so generously provided for you, you have a million bits worth of coins of various denominations. For each one you spend, something will happen."
Discord finished eating the phone and l6#!aid back down on the cozy.
"Spending a twenty may cause a nearby plant to explode into ravioli. Spending a ten could cause you to be given a free piece of chocolate delivered by an irate duck. Spending eighty-five bits and five cents may cause the mare of your dreams to fall madly in love with you. Who's to say?"
"So it could be something good?"
Didcrod shrugged. "If I am being completely honest, I haven't the foggiest idea."
The vice on the other end was silent for a few moments, and discord was about to say soothing ris else, but was stopped when be heard quiet sobbing from the other end.
"It's not fair!"
"Why? I paid my taxes and those coins are legal Equestrian currency."
"It's not fair!"
*Slam!
* * * *
Discord floated through Ponyville, tapping his chin in thought. Perhaps he had been too hard on the lad. Chaos was one thing, but completely breaking him was another.
Yes, perhaps this had all gone on long enough.
No, it definitely had.
With a smirk, Discord snapped his claws.
Legit Collector
The phone wasn't ringing.
Legit Collector sat with his head on his desk, staring out at nothing in particular. It seemed so simple. Call a few dumb ponies, rake in the bits, then do it all over again until he became bored or another opportunity presented itself. Yet somehow it had all gone horribly wrong.
Not a single usable bit. Probably. Legit looked to the back of the room where the large bag filled with a million bits sat, almost taunting him. Given that he had figured that it was Discord who he'd managed to call, he reflected on his minor fortune that the bag itself wasn't actually taunting him. He wished that he knew what would happen with each bit, then he could spend accordingly.
But none of it really mattered in the end. He felt like it would be better if he was the last pony on the planet.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
Legit looked up from his desk and sighed. Maybe it was the pizza delivery pony. A half hour late as usual. He groaned as he stood up from his chair and walked over to the door.
"Well it's about ti--"
His pupils shrank and his jaw hit the floor when he saw who had knocked. Discord himself, dressed as a pizza delivery pony and carrying a stack of pizzas.
"Your pizza has arrived!" Discord said gleefully.
Legit's eye twitched as he started out at Discord, but after a moment, he sighed and shook his head. "Whatever. It's fine. How much do I owe you?" He motioned back to the bag of bits. "I'm willing to roll the dice on this one."
"Oh no, no, my good fellow, this one is on me." Discord floated the pizzas onto Legit's desk and wrapped just his left arm around Legit's shoulders. "Want to talk about it?"
"Oh go away, go away," Legit grumbled. "I can't deal with this anymore."
"Oh, but I insist!" Discord said. "You have so much to talk about!" Discord grinned as he pushed Legit out the door. "But not with me at the moment."
With a snap of his claws, Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Celestia, Luna, Chrysalis, Maud, Flim, Flam, Caramel, Trixie, all three Cutie Mark Crusaders, Flurry Heart (who was being held by Cadance), Spike, Tempest, Starlight, Blueblood, Bon Bon, Studious Collector, Dusty Tome, pony Sunset Shimmer, Granny Smith, and Moondancer, all appeared out of thin air in front of him.
Everypony was silent for a few moments as they registered exactly what had just happened. Legit reacted first, whirling around to run back through his door so he could barricade himself in.
Unfortunately, when he turned around he saw that he no longer had a door.
"Oh no," he whimpered.
"Everyone...!" Discord whirled Legit around again. "Your scammer!"
Everypony gasped at once.
"YOU!" everypony shouted at once.
"I have business with you, scammer!" Tempest roared. "And if I hear one more word about a setting sun I will have business with two ponies!"
"Sorry," Starlight muttered. "But, um... I can't let you kill him. It wouldn't be right.
"And why would you have a problem with the setting su--?" Celestia's eyes widened. "Chrysalis!"
"Celestia!" Chrysalis growled, whirling toward her foe as she crackled her horn. "Speaking of unfinished business, you and I never truly--"
"If you want to fight her then you're going to have to fight me too, bug," Cadance growled, rushing to Celestia's side. "You almost ruined my wedding!"
"And you shall face me as well!" Luna roared.
"Why? You weren't even at the wedding," Chrysalis said with a smug smile. "You have too long of a nighty-night?"
"I will end you!"
"Scama!" Flurry Heart said, pointing to Legit.
Legit's eyes widened. "The baby didn't even fall for it?!" Legit groaned and sat down with a double facehoof. "Oh, oh that one hurts."
"To be fair, it was kind of obvious," Twilight said, glancing back at the three princess who were about to go to town on Chrysalis.
"You owe me a new computer," Legit growled. "That wasn't fair. And you!" He turned his glare to Fluttershy. "Do you have any idea what that evil rabbit did to me?!"
"Yes," Fluttershy muttered as she flattened her ears.
"Do you still want those cards?" Pinkie asked, pulling a stack of various kinds of cards out of her mane.
"And just where do you two think yer going?" Applejack growled as she noticed Flim and Flam trying to sneak away in the commotion. "Ah should get the lawn mower for you too!"
"Oh there's no need for that, Miss Applejack," Flim said with an uneasy look to his brother. "We've left you alone!"
"They scammed me," Legit pointed out as the battle between the alicorns and Chrysalis got going. Discord put a shield around the four of them to prevent their battle from leveling the town.
"So you all ain't learned nothin'," Applejack snapped. "Ah'm gonna tell Princess Celestia 'bout yer ways!"
"Ah'll join ya!" Granny Smith grumbled. "Y'all are worse than him!"
"Really?" Legit asked, hope in his eyes for the first time.
"I don't think so," Studious Collector said with a frown. "You sullied the good name of the Equestrian Revenue Service!"
"Ha!" Trixie said.
"So, um, is anypony else freaking out a little bit right now?" Sunset said, staring at her hooves. "This is kinda... uh... I don't know how to feel."
"Well, you've learned the value of friendship since you've been in the other world," Twilight said, wrapping her wing around Sunset. "I'm sure Princess Celestia will want to hear all about it once..." She looked back to the battle and grimaced.
"Another world, you say?" Dusty Tome said. "Why, if you wrote a book about that, I'd be honored to have it in my library."
"You know, as fascinating as this all has been, I'm out of here," Caramel said.
Maud didn't say anything, even as one of Celestia's spells burst through Discord's shield and came within an inch of blowing her head off. She had found an interesting rock. Moondancer had taken out a book and was studying beside her. If the magic glow around her ears was any indication, she had cast a noise cancelling spell, though how well it was working might have been up for debate.
"Trixie feels that this scammer owes her some money!" Trixie said. "She had to go back to another tax lawyer just to double-check that the tips she makes isn't taxable income!"
"Wait..." Celestia paused for a moment, even though she had Chrysalis's neck wrapped in her magic. "Did I not make tips taxable income?"
"Oh, um..." Trixie gulped and began backing away. "Forget Trixie said anything!"
"As entertaining as all of this has been, I must get back to my work," Rarity grumbled. "I have a huge order to--"
"Oh come on!" Rainbow said, throwing her foreleg around Rarity's shoulders and motioning to the madness in front of them. "You've gotta admit that this is awesome! The princesses are absolutely kicking Chrysalis's flank!"
Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes. "Oh... perhaps it may be a little entertaining."
"So if Princess Celestia rips Chrysalis in half, would that damage our fragile little psyches to see that?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Ah think so, but it'd be for the greater good, right?"
"We'd get over it," Scootaloo agreed with a nod.
"Wait, were you the pony I gave that pep talk to?" Spike asked with a frown.
"Yes," Legit muttered.
"Huh. Dang. Maybe I should give you a pep talk about something else."
"Don't you worry your little scaly head about it, Spike!" Pinkie said as she sat down next to him. "Wanna play Hungry-Hungry Hippos the Card Game?"
Spike shrugged. "Sure."
"Were you the pony that was going to give me a million bits?" Blueblood asked. "I still have my bank statement around!"
"Oh, um..." Legit looked up to Discord, who grinned and snapped his claws.
"I'll give you this one," Discord said.
Instantly the bag of bits appeared in front of Blueblood. His eyes widened and he let out a squeal of joy. "I'm rich!" he cried. "I'm rich! I have enough to pay back Auntie Tia and have a large sum left over!"
"I don't want that money," Celestia said, glaring at Discord.
"All the better for me!"
"Gyoyoyoyoyoyuuuugggghh," Chrysalis said as Luna shook her in her magic.
Meanwhile, Bon Bon had slipped to a side of Legit's house and begun talking into her secret watch. "This is Special Agent Six-One-One-Four-Three-Oh-Nine. Golden Plot and Moonflank have defeated Bugbad with the help of Hearty Heart."
"Roger. We'll update the file accordingly."
Discord sighed in contentment as he landed next to Legit. "Can you believe it? It's everything I've ever imagined. I daresay if I was still in stone all of this would have freed me."
"Oh go away," Legit grumbled. "I should have never gotten into this business in the first place."
"Hindsight is twenty-twenty, I'm afraid."
"Yeah, yeah." He sat there for a few moments before looking back to Discord. "Can I have my door back? I think I get the point."
"Well, if you're sure you don't want to watch the chaos and strife that you caused, I suppose I can help." Discord snapped his claws again, causing Legit's door to open up again. "I can't do anything about the noise of all of this, I'm afraid."
"Yes you can," Legit growled as he stood up.
Discord shrugged. "I suppose so, but why would I?"
"Oh go away!"
With that, Legit ran back into his house and slammed the door.
* * * *
Several hours of commotion later, Legit heard a knock on the door. He sleepily looked over to it from his bed. Why bother trying to hide at this point? He slid out of bed and walked over to the door. He didn't even flinch when Twilight Sparkle was behind it, though she seemed to be alone.
"Hi. You wanna talk about it?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, I don't care," Legit said with a sigh. He stepped aside so Twilight could enter. "Pizza?"
Twilight looked at the boxes with some trepidation. "I don't know. Did Discord deliver them?"
"Yeah, but they don't seem to be poisonous or anything like that." Legit lit his horn and grabbed a slice from one of the boxes. "So what brings you back?"
"Well, my friends and I have been talking, and I came to the conclusion that, well, you're not the worst pony that we've dealt with. We can help you."
"Uh-huh," Legit said flatly.
"I... we think that if you had the magic of friendship in your life then you wouldn't have to scam ponies," Twilight said. "I mean, this probably isn't the job that you wanted, right?"
Legit just grunted.
"I'll take that as a yes. Why would you want this job? In any case, it's not your cutie mark, is it?"
Legit rolled his eyes, but shook his head as he finished his slice.
"So, what does it mean?" Twilight looked at his cutie mark. It was a hoof trying to punch through a rock.
"It's about determination," Legit replied. "It shows that I never give up, even when the odds are against me."
"Well there you go!" Twilight said happily. "Think of all of the awesome things that you could do that don't involve scamming ponies!"
"I guess," Legit muttered.
"Your name isn't even Legit Collector, is it?"
Legit scoffed and rolled his eyes. "There's no way that I'd use my real name for something like this. My real name is... Hard Head."
"I..." Twilight paused for a moment. "Um..." She forced a smile back on her face and put a hoof on his shoulder. "Well, Hard Head, I think that the Magic of Friendship would have a big impact on your life. You'd be happy with some friends to call your own. So..." Twilight held out her hoof to him. "Friends?"
Hard Head stared at Twilight's hoof for a few moments. After a time of silence, Twilight started to think that he wouldn't actually take it. However, he finally grabbed it and stood up.
"Eh, whatever. I have nothing else, do I?"
Twilight's smile faltered a bit. "Well, we can work on that."
"I want a new computer, though."
Twilight's eyes narrowed and she took a step forward. "Don't push it."
Author's Notes:
No joke, as I was writing this I got a call from "Scam Likely."
In any case, I hope you all had as much fun reading it as I did writing it! Now that it's over, I'd be curious once again to see how you guys rank each chapter. I think the one I liked writing the most was Maud.
Non-Canon Bonus Chapter: Big Mac
It started when the phone rang.
Big Mac looked up from his lunch and looked in the direction of the phone for a few moments before slowly standing up an walking over to it. He expanded the headset then slid it over his head.
"Y'ello."
"Yes, hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue Services. I am calling to inform you that you have not paid your income taxes between the years of two-thousand and sixteen to two-thousand and nineteen. As a result, you owe the Equestrian government two-thousand, nine hundred and sixty-six bits and ninety-one cents. Failure to pay will result in seizures of passports, bank accounts, and personal property. On top of that, you will spend nine years in an Equestrian penitentiary. Do you understand what I have told you?"
Big Mac nodded. "Eeyup."
"Good. Now I must ask you if you have intentionally defrauded the Equestrian government or if this is a simple mistake on your part."
"Eeyup."
Er... yes to what? You've intentionally defrauded the Equestrian government?"
"Eeyup."
"I er... uh... o-okay, then. I'm certain that you are remorseful and would like to get this matter resolved."
"Eeyup."
"Good. Good. Now, if you wish to get this matter resolved, you need to go to the local Barnyard Bargains or some other such general store. From there you must purchase payments cards in the amount that I have stated. Do you understand?"
"Eeyup."
Big Mac walked out the door of the house and began walking around the farm, circling it a few times before the voice on the other end spoke again.
"Well? Are you there? Did you reach the Barnyard Bargains?"
"Eeyup."
"Ah, good. Now, I must warn you that you cannot alert the cashiers or other workers that you are using these payment cards for taxes. If you do then they will either charge you great amounts of interest, or they shall call the local police so that they may arrest you for tax evasion. Do you understand?"
"Eeyep."
"Er... yes, that's good. Uh, go to the cards, then."
Big Mac went back inside the house and waited for a few moments. He then walked over to the back room of the house and held the speaker of the headset away from him.
"'Scuse me, miss, but Ah'd like to buy these here payment cards."
"Good, good, now don't tell her that they're for--"
The barest smirk crossed Big Mac's face as he went into his Cousin Orchard Blossom's voice.
"Oh why that would be might fine, young'in. Might Ah say what a fine, strapping, handsome stallion you are! Just let me take those cards and Ah can get 'em rung up. So, what were you going to use these for, if you don't mind my askin'?"
"Don't tell her! Don't tell--""
"Taxes. Forgot ta pay some income taxes."
"NO! You stupid son of a--"
"Oh my, that sounds serious. Well Ah'd best get these rung out real quickly, then. Not a good thing for you to be in debt to the government." Big Mac waited for a few more seconds. "There. Here you go, good sir."
"Thank you kindly, ma'am."
Big Mac put the microphone portion of the headset back to its original position. "Y'ello."
"Grrr. You were lucky. I told you not to do that. In any case, you have the cards now?"
"Eeyup."
"Okay, good. Now, there are some numbers on the back. Read them off to me."
"Nnope."
With that, Big Mac hung up.
* * * *
The sun was shining, the air was tranquil, and everything seemed to be going just fine. The colts and fillies were playing tag in the nearby park, and their parents gossiped around them. Everything was just fine.
Until...
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
Huh, that was weird.
Author's Notes:
Yeah, I had an idea for another chapter that I needed to get out. I promise that I'm working on chapter 2 of the sequel. There might be a few more of these. Who knows?
Non-Canon Bonus Chapter: The Queen
It started when the phone rang.
I looked up from my desk and took my cellphone out of my hoodie pocket. I flicked it on and saw that I didn't recognize the number. I sighed and was about to put the phone down, but... eh, I figured that it might be a little important. I swiped the phone to answer and held it up to my ear with my shoulder as I returned to work.
"Hello?"
"Yes, hello, this is Legit Collector from the Equestrian Revenue service, and I am calling in regards to a recent lawsuit that has been brought up against you for failure to pay your income tax on time."
I rolled my eyes and uncapped my pen. I hated prank calls. "I don't have time for this, sir. I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me on this number again."
"Ma'am, I need you to listen to me very carefully. Our records show that you owe the ERS ten thousand, nine hundred and fifty-five bits and forty-two cents. Should--"
"I don't owe the IRS anything, sir, now if you could--"
"Ma'am, I must ask you to not interrupt me. Our records indicate that you have failed to pay your income tax for the years of two-thousand and fifteen to two-thousand and nineteen. If you do not resolve this matter, I will sign the warrant for your arrest, and we will seize all property, bank accounts, passports, and anything else we need to pay off your debt. Now, may I have your name, please?"
"It's Lauren Faust, now--"
"NOPE!"
SLAM!
Non-Canon Bonus Chapter: It Goes Off the Rails
It started when the phone rang.
Hard Head took a deep breath and licked his lips. Surely this time he'd call a sucker. Just one score. One score was all he needed!
It wouldn't work. He's too incompetent for that.
Hard Head frowned. "Hey, I heard that!"
So he did. Thus did I decree.
"Wha...? No, I don't think you're right!" Hard Head said, adjusting the headset. "I'll get a score. Just you wait and see!"
He wouldn't. In fact, even when he got to the call center full of actual scammers, he wouldn't. He'd chicken out. Yeseree bob, he totally would.
"Okay, what is going on here?" Hard Head snapped, throwing the headset down. "Who are you and what do you want?"
Well, I'm your... god, maybe? I don't know. I created you and a lot of the environment in which you live. You only having a one-bedroom apartment and being completely awful at this? Yeah, that's me. Heh. You seen Toy Story 4? It might be kind of like that. I'm not sure.
"So... am I fictional?"
As long as you believe in your heart that you are real, and as long as people love you and your stories, can you truly be completely fictional?
"Y... yes?"
I say no. Also, your headset is now a banana.
Hard Head's eyes widened when he looked to his headset which was, indeed, a banana. Albeit one he could still make calls on.
"I can still make calls on it?" Hard Head said with a frown. "How does that work?"
Well, it doesn't now. The opportunity for a banana phone has passed you by. People are watching you, though. Seeing your actions. Have you ever heard of Netflix?
"N... no?"
Yes you have.
Hard Head frowned. Yes, Netflix. He remembered that, now. He never really got into the third season of Narcos. He was excited for the second season of Mindhunter, though.
"So... people are watching me on Netflix?"
When did I say that? No, no, no, they're reading about you on FimFiction. Therye really enjoying reading about you. They especially liked the ones with Tempest, Twilight, and Pinkie. I like the Maud stuff, myself. Heh. "Hey there, buddy. The sun's getting real low."
...
"Therye?"
Huh?
"You wrote Theyre. Isn't it supposed to be 'they're'?"
Oh, uh, just a typo. I can fix it in post.
Hard Head smirked. "You're a pretty weak god if you can't even stop typos."
Hard Head scoffed. "BronyWriter? My, my, your creativity knows no bounds.
That's when Hard Head's bed turned into a giant alligator. His vision is based on movement. Hard Head gulped and tried as hard as he could to not move. It didn't work, though, and the now crocodile charged at him. Before he could rip Hard Head's hard head off, it turned into Angel Bunny, which is, admittedly, worse. Angel glared at Hard Head, flipped him the bird, then bounced away.
Hmm. A weak god, you say?
"Point taken," Hard Head whispered.
Okay, so here's what the plan is. We--
"Wait, I think I hear something!" Hard Head cried, whipping his head around to see the source of the noise that wasn't actually there. "No, I seriously hear something!"
No he doesn't. It's just him and me.
"No, it's really--!"
Hey, guys.
Hard Head's jaw dropped. So did mine, actually.
"I don't believe it," Hard Head whispered.
L-Larson? M.A. Larson?!
Yep. Sure is. I was passing by and saw that there wasn't anything here that had my signature on it. Thought I'd fix that.
"NO!" Hard Head cried, running in to his bathroom and locking the door. "You keep that demon sharpie away from me!"
Oh come on. I signed construction equipment at BronyCon. It's a compulsion. It's a need. If you don't want the whole name, I can initial your horn, or something.
Uh... no. Larson did not want to do that.
Hmm. I still do, but if you guys don't want it, I guess I could do something else. Hey! I have an idea! Do you guys want to be princesses? I could just throw a pair of wings on you and there you go!
"Well, I mean, I already have the horn, so--"
Hard Head didn't want that. The princess of scammers sounds like a horrible idea!
"I guess I don't want that, then," Hard Head muttered.
You do!
"Huh, I guess I do."
No he didn't.
"I guess I don't."
Yes he does.
"Maybe--"
No he doesn't.
"I don't feel so--"
Okay, if he doesn't want to, then how about you? Just say the word and I'll get you a nice pair of wings in no time.
Wha...? I already have a pair of wings! I'm a pegasus!
See?!
Huh. I guess so.
...
Do you think that a second pair of wings would do it?
I... no! You'd need to add a horn to make me an alicorn!
Oh.
...
...
Do you think that would work?
Oh for goodness sakes. Hard Head didn't want to deal with this anymore and neither did I!
"Oh thank goodness!"
Hard Head was teleported to somewhere Larson would never find him!
I can still find him in Sweden.
That's not where I put him, now good day, sir!
K.
So, uh, I guess it's just me right now. I suppose that I'll see some of you at a con at some point. I'll sign your face. There was a giant sharpie at BronyCon that all of the VIPs except for me were told to sign, so I need to make up lost sharpie time.
Peace.