My Little Pony: Love is Confusing

by TheTwientist

Chapter 4: Nopony Will Date Twilight Sparkle

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"Okay. Finding a date."

Twilight was at the table, having just retrieved all of the books the books on love which she had just put away a few hours before. She flipped through one, calling out her findings to Spike, who was nearby with a pen and parchment.

"Okay, well, evidently, it's easier for some ponies to get dates than for others. It also appears that a "date" can be anything from a longtime friend to a pony you saw five seconds ago and thought looked attractive. It also appears that it's generally considered more proper for the stallion to ask the mare out, but due to the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles, this kind of old-fashioned chivalry does not hold true anymore."

She turned around. "Did you get all of that, Spike?" she asked her assistant, who was scribbling furiously. He made no reply.

"Spike?" Still no reply.

"Spike! What are you writing?" Twilight snatched away the paper, to find that it mostly contained drawings of Rarity and a few hearts containing SP + RA.

"Fine, I'll just do this myself," Twilight grumbled.

About an hour later, Twilight was ready to go. her hair was combed, Her pelt brushed, and she had even tried putting on a little makeup. The latter hadn't worked out very well, but she still looked presentable.

"Spike, I'm heading out!" she called. "I'm off to find a date!"

"You really think it'll be that easy?" Spike asked skeptically.

"Sure! There's a formula to it: I'm going to go around Ponyville, find somepony who I find attractive and whose company I enjoy, strike up a conversation with them, find out if they have plans for Hearts and Hooves Day, and, if not, I'll ask them to go with me! I know love is complicated, but there are hundreds of ponies here in Ponyville! There is no way I can come back here without having found a date!"


"Well, I haven't found a date," Twilight moaned, looking rather worse for wear. "I don't get it! What did I do wrong?"

"I dunno," said Spike. "What'd you do?"

"I did everything according to the script! I found somepony, talked to them, asked them out . . . but they turned out to be jerks, or I said something wrong, or they were in a relationship, or they had just goen through a messy breakup, or- GRRRRR!"

She kicked a pile of books. Then her librarian's instinct kicked in and she restacked them.

"Heck, I even tried hooking up with mares! I met Lyra and Bon-bon, and they said it was socially acceptable these days, and I said, 'Why not?' Well, it turns out I'm even worse with mares than I am with stallions!"

"Relax, Twilight!" said Spike "You've got lots of time before the actual gala! You're taking this too seriously."

He leaned one arm against the bookshelf and continued, "I mean, when I asked Rarity out earlier, I messed up, but did that stop me? Nope. She's gonna be mine! These things just take a little while." He then lost his balance and fell on the floor.

Twilgiht considered telling Spike the ugly truth about him and Rarity, but was distracted by her own problems. She flipped through her books, trying to think of a better solution.

"I've got it!" she exclaimed suddenly.

"You're gonna let things go at their own rate and relax?" asked Spike hopefully.

"No, silly, I'm going to create a compatibility formula, plug my personality into it, and use it to find my perfect match! It's flawless!"

Spike simply facepalmed.

Several hours, three pens, and two runs to the paper shop by Spike, Twilight had found her solution.

"Okay, so the introversion percentage should either be about equal or one should be double the other, plus an equal sarcasm factor and reverse ratios of optimism vs. cynicality (is that a word?) plus . . ."

Spike had given up trying to understand the psychological mathematics a while ago, but Twilight's tone of voice made it sound like she had actually figured something out.

"Why! This is just wonderful! I can just go up to a pony, talk to them, judge their numbers, plug it in, and see if we're compatible! It's brilliant!"

She got to her feet. "Spike! I'm going out again!" She headed out the door, only to return a few moments later. "Whoops! Forgot the papers!" She levitated the clipboard and dashed away.

The Doctor was at a cafe nabbing a cup of coffee when a purple unicorn sidled up next to him. He'd seen her around town before somewhere- her name was Sparkly or something. She was famous in this time period, wasn't she? She'd done something important, but he couldn't recall what. She was pretty, in a nerdy sort of way, he supposed. But she looked rather odd, especially because she was carrying around a clipboard and quill.

"Hi!" she said suddenly. "I'm Twilight."

He took a sip of his coffee, then replied, "I'm Doctor Whooves."

Twilight Sparkly scribbled something down on her clipboard. "Mmm-hmm . . . So, how are you today?"

"I'm fine," he said uncertainly. "I've certainly had worse days."

She looked at him, tilted her head, then wrote down a few more things. "Well, thank you, but I don't think your numbers are working right."

And with that, she got up and walked away.

The Doctor simply shrugged and took another sip. He'd seen stranger things.

This. Isn't. Working! Twilight told herself as she trotted down the street. You haven't found anyone even close to your number range! Hurry up, Twilight, think! Did you do the calculations wrong?

She glanced at her work. I carried the two right, I got both coefficients, the sine ratio is fine, oh! I put pi times delta, instead of phi times delta! Was that it? Wait, no, that's a phi all right-

She hit something and was suddenly knocked off her feet, her papers flying everywhere.

"Oh dear, I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there. Are you all right?" said a kind voice.

Twilight found herself being helped to her feet by gray earth pony she'd never seen before. "I'm- fine," she said slowly, snatching her papers magically before they blew away.

"I'm so sorry," the earth pony said. "I should have been looking out more!"

"No, no, it's my fault," said Twilight. "I had my eyes on my papers, I was the one who should have been looking out more."

"Nonetheless, please accept my sincerest apologies," said the earth pony. "I'm Octavia, by the way."

Will romance blossom between Twilight and Octavia? Could this be Twilight's future "date"? Or will it all go horribly, horribly wrong? Find out next tomorrow on MLP: Love is Horribly, Horribly Confusing!

Next Chapter: First Date Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 14 Minutes
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