The computer said that the atmosphere was breathable, if a little high on nitrogen and oxygen. At worst we would feel a bit giddy. I was sure I would get over it. Gravity was a bit under Terra standard, but the weather and temperature were absolute paradise.

We agreed that the army of horses would pull back to guard at a distance, I would come out of my machine, and we would talk like civilized ponies. Dan made a crack about being the prettiest pony. Ninja would stay powered up, and the Elements of Harmony, whatever they were, would guard the Princess. I knelt my Stalker down, powered down the reactor, and grabbed my personal defense weapon. I instructed Dan and Rolf to grab their guns too. Pretty ponies or not, I had seen magic fly and injure. I wasn't taking chances.

Ok, I was taking a lot of chances. Standing out in the open with multiple creatures from legend who wielded powers that were apparently pure energy. I just had a bit of pure energy of my own on standby. After appearing on the planet due to 'dark magic' and, admittedly, being fucking terrifying, we had to show some form of goodwill. I was the olive branch. Or the sacrificial lamb. I prayed to fate that this wasn't a mistake. My years of contract negotiation told me this was the right move. Would fate be that cruel?

I knew the answer to that question; yes. I opened my cockpit hatch anyway.

Sweet country air greeted my nose for the first time in years. I had forgotten how much I missed the only benefit of no civilization. I left my helmet on the seat, left my coolant vest on just in case we needed to bug out, and tried to carry my pistol as casually as possible. Sticking my head out of the escape hatch to my Stalker, I looked around and waited to be shot at. No magic, no lasers, so far so good.

Rolf came out, standing on the Kodiak's massive shoulder, assault rifle ready and waiting. I climbed out and worked my way to the emergency ladder.

The Princess was about as tall as me. White coat, white wings about four meters across, preposterously long mane that flowed like something out of a shampoo commercial, the colors of a sunset. She looked at me with an air of amusement and fascination. The assortment of pastel-furred horse faces of the Elements of Harmony looked at me with a mix of fear and confusion, even as the rainbow swirl of power died down. I tried not to stare back, ignored the fever dream I found myself in, and put on my best winning smile. There would be time to question my sanity later, for now I needed to de-escalate the situation.

"Again, welcome to Equestria. I am Princess Celestia." The unicorn/pegasus spoke in a calm tone and nodded graciously. Now that she wasn’t bellowing out commands to our souls, and except for being a talking horse, she reminded me of pretty much every well-trained noble I’d ever met. I decided to treat her like one.

"Christophe Black, Commander and owner of Atari Mercenary Operations Unlimited. A pleasure to meet you, Your Highness." I bowed with a flourish.

"May I ask what you are doing here, Commander?"

"I do not have any goddamn idea what I am doing here, Princess." I looked her straight in the eyes with a smile. I find royalty to react best to straight out honesty. They never expect it. She, however, took it in stride.

"None at all?"

"Not the slightest. One moment we are on our ship, the next there is a horrible noise like the universe is trying to vibrate itself apart, and the next we're in the forest with all of those other guys."

"Most fascinating." Her expression was unreadable.

"I would go with worrying, myself, your Highness. We have places to be and contracts to fulfill. I have no idea how to get where we were going, or even back to our ship." I kept my tone even and my smile plastered on.

The Princess looked thoughtful. "Do you know anything about the ponies that were there when you were summoned?" For a moment, my brain rebelled at the sheer fantasy of the situation. It took a few seconds to remember that I had recorded the preachings of the cult leader.

"Well, they said some things…hang on." I dug into a pocket of my flight suit and pulled out my pocket computer. I rewound through the audio log and played the conversation I had heard outside of our mechs. Usually at this point in the dream the ground erupts with an octopus and the singing hot dog starts up, but the world of talking horses persisted. A small part of me began to wonder if this was real.

The Princess, to her credit, took the advanced technology in stride on the outside. I saw murmurings from the Elements of Harmony though I wasn't sure if it was due to my amazing black box, the four aliens on their planet, the deactivated battlemechs, or the lunatic ravings of cultists.

As we listened, another unicorn/pegasus dived in from the sky and flared to a graceful landing beside the Princess. This one was a blend of midnight blue and purple, as opposed to the white and peach of the first. Her hair was also trapped in a shampoo commercial. A quick glance told me that this seemed to be a princess thing. I paused the recording. The white princess spoke up. "Commander Black, this is my sister, Princess Luna."

"Pleased to meet you, Your Majesty," I said with another bow and flourish.

"The magic has been obscured,” the blue princess spoke to her sister with a cold voice and a cold glare. “The ponies responsible have gotten away. I assume these are the product of the summoning spell?" She nodded toward me and my lance.

Princess Celestia nodded and smiled. "That is correct. This is Commander Christophe Black. He runs a small mercenary unit."

"No affiliation to the ones who made us appear here, Your Majesty," I pointed out.

Princess Luna raised an eyebrow as she looked critically at our lance of battlemechs. "We have doubts as to your sense of humor, dear sister. There is nothing small about this unit. However that is beside the point." Where the white princess seemed rather down to earth, this new Princess seemed rather…old fashioned. Princess Celestia smiled at her in a sort of patronizing way, and I did my best to ignore the whole wordless exchange. Princess Luna turned to address me directly. "We are no stranger to subterfuge, Commander Black. We would be less than willing to trust one in charge of so powerful a force so quickly." I was surprised this hadn’t been addressed sooner.

"With all due respect, Your Majesty, if we could simply be sent back to where we came from, we would appreciate that. We have a contract to fulfill." I shrugged. "I don't know if that is within your power…"

Princess Luna turned her emotionless gaze to her sister and was silent for a moment. "Such a thing might be. It would have to be researched. Perhaps a project for Twilight Sparkle."

I had to force myself to not laugh at that name. Thankfully Princess Celestia turned the conversation back to negotiating.

"Indeed, Sister. However, Commander Black, in the meantime, I would like to propose a new contract for you, for the defense of our kingdom. Would this be acceptable?”

I admit, I wasn’t expecting to be hired. I wasn’t expecting this fantasy to last this long. If this was going to take a few weeks though, we should get paid. I let a bit of my surprise show.

“Yes, your Highness, I would be open to a contract if the terms are fair.”

Princess Celestia nodded in satisfaction, then looked at the six multicolored ponies who had controlled the rainbow-death-swirl. "Twilight Sparkle, Elements of Harmony, please approach." The princess smiled genuinely. "I have someone I wish you to meet.”

Instantly there was a pink blur in my face. "HI!"

"Movement!" Rolf's bass vibrated my eardrum, and I heard his rifle click.

The pink blur grabbed my hand and shook it. With a pink hoof. I tried to focus on the buzzing in my ear from Rolf. "At ease Atari,” I called with as much panic as I dared.

"No silly, I'm Pinky Pie! Wait-you can't have known my name, so you can't have known it wrong! I'm Pinky Pie!" The cotton candy pink pony nearly vibrated my hand off in excitement, but a smile that genuine was rare to come by.

"Pinky!" The purple unicorn admonished the pink blur and stepped forward to address the white unicorn/pegasus/sun goddess. Pinky Pie let go and took a step back. Once the purple one was satisfied, she sighed and looked up at the white princess. Princess Celestia, I reminded myself. "Yes Princess?"

"Twilight Sparkle, this is Commander Black. Commander, Twilight Sparkle is my personal student into the studies of magic in this land. She will be acting as your contact for this mission."

"A pleasure to meet you, Twilight Sparkle." I forced myself past the absurdity of greeting a pastel talking pony and tried to keep my business man facade up. If I ignored their shapes, this was a normal enough meeting. Ignore the cotton candy horse grinning like the cheshire cat. Ignore the glare of the rainbow maned pegasus who could break the laws of physics. Ignore the pony wearing a cowboy hat. Ignore the white show unicorn with the purple mane of a thousand pounds of hairspray. Ignore the yellow and pink pegasus cowering behind her. My suspension of disbelief was getting a workout.

"And you, Commander Black." Ignore the purple talking unicorn with the dyed pink stripe in her hair. Mane. Ignore how she was half your height. Focus on how young she sounded. Focus on how she glanced back at the princesses when she thought I wasn’t paying attention. I noted that for as much trust as Princess Celestia had just put on her, Twilight Sparkle seemed horribly unsure of the situation.

We nodded politely at each other and looked back at the Princesses. Princess Celestia spoke up. "Let us hold discussions in a few minutes, and then we will negotiate my offer for the contract tomorrow. Twilight will act to communicate between us. Please feel free to ask her any questions you may have. In the meantime, allow me to explain our situation.” I nodded, Princess Celestia smiled, and continued. “It is my intention to use your unit in defense of our capital against those who brought you here. The last time this faction rose against the kingdom, there was a great conflict. However this was very long ago. A seasoned military presence on our side will be most welcome." Princess Celestia spoke with a peaceful authority. How she was taking our presence so calmly I couldn’t figure out. So far she seemed to be accepting that we weren’t enemies, and that was all I needed immediately.

"As long as you do not feel that I am pressuring the kingdom into this offer,” I insisted after a pause. I might have been gawking.

The princess ignored any faux pas I had committed. "Far from it, Commander. You will be most welcome in this operation. Our kingdom was attacked by creatures called Changelings three months ago, and we found ourselves rather less equipped than we would have liked." She spoke and acted like an experienced queen. As long as she wasn’t playing with us, I could work with this. I might even enjoy it. Experienced clients make jobs easy.

"Then I look forward to negotiations." I smiled politely. The princess smiled back.

"Very good. Twilight Sparkle, please introduce the Commander to the rest of the Elements. I will be sending along funds and supplies on the next train from Canterlot. The Commander will need temporary housing for himself and his machines. Can you do that?"

"Of course, Princess." Twillight Sparkle was only too happy to agree. Anything for Princess Celestia, it seemed.

"Boy howdy, those are bigger 'n a prize pumpkin." The tan pony in the standard issue cowboy hat walked up, nudging her hat up to stare at the formation of 'mechs. "The shorter ones would fit in our barn, dunno about the other two. If we had the land and the wood I'd say we could have a couple barns ta hold 'em put up, lickety split."

Princess Celestia smiled. "I would be happy to arrange all of that, Applejack. I will send some of the guard along to assist as well."

The orange pony tipped her hat. "Mighty kind of you Princess."

"Not at all Applejack, we are imposing on you."

"And miss welcoming guests of the crown ta Equestria? Why the Apples wouldn't miss it!" She turned to me and grabbed my hand. "Name's Applejack, partner."

"Christophe Black, Commander of Atari." I shook her hoof and tried not to think too hard about the absurdity of the action itself. Or about how absurdly strong she was. And how much she was crushing my hand.

"Pleasure ta meet ya Commander. We settin four more places fer supper?" She turned and looked at the 'mechs again.

"Well, there are four of us." I shaded my eyes and turned as well. Might as well include them in the fever dream.

"Well they should come on down and meet the gang!"

"Yeah, I think it's time. Hold on a moment please." I turned away and made a show about covering my ear. Not necessary, but it got the point across to the farm pony. "Alright, stand down Atari. We're officially being invited to talk."

"Well if they're gonna be all welcoming about it…" Reaper let the implications hang. I interrupted any wiseassery that might have followed.

"Power down and come meet the locals. Lightly armed. This is a contract negotiation, not a confrontation." With talking magic ponies. They still weren’t being replaced by arguing pickles.

“Yeah yeah.” Dan’s usual insubordination.

"Roger Omega." Hiro’s usual formality.

"On the way." Rolf’s usual cold response.

---

The three other funny looking humans were met with all sorts of strange stares and murmurs. Rolf ignored it, Dan swam in it, and Hiro just looked intimidated. I spent the time watching the pony army, realizing how human they acted. These weren’t dumb farmyard animals, they were capable of standing at attention while sneaking amazed and scared looks at the battlemechs when their commander wasn’t looking. I had no idea where the hell we’d wound up, but it looked like a real planet, with real magic and real talking ponies.

We were briefly and politely introduced to the five other ponies. Rainbow Dash, the blue and rainbow pegasus, still glaring at us. Applejack, the friendly farmer. Rarity, the white with purple maned unicorn, who spoke and acted like she were some kind of high society mover and shaker. Pinky Pie, who had gone from grinning like an idiot to staring at us with thoughtfulness. Fluttershy, the yellow pegasus, hiding behind her pink mane and Rarity. My lance of clowns behaved themselves long enough for the introductions to go down, and the ponies walked away at the insistence of Twilight Sparkle. I couldn’t tell if she didn’t want them bothering us or if she was afraid of us. Maybe both. Judging by how Dan was swinging wildly between grinning like a brash asshole and giggling madly though, I was glad for the space.

In an impressively short timespan, a pavilion tent was set up for the Princess, and the army had struck camp. Several of the more curious lancers kept poking around our mechs. They would dare each other forward, chicken out, and then run back. Normally I would tell the recruits to stay the fuck off the hardware, but I was too busy marveling at the strange reality of the situation and feeling the summer wind on my face and smelling the fresh country air. I think Hiro was caught off guard by the strangeness of it all too, because we both jumped when Dan poked me in the shoulder and spoke up.

"Alright Commander, how do we want to do this?"

"Ok, uh…" My lack of professionalism was interrupted by a new blue unicorn pony with a clipboard.

"Preparations will be ready in five minutes, Commander. Please forgive the delay,” he said professionally.

I blinked. "Sure, no problem. We're flexible." The blue pony nodded and slipped away as quickly and silently as he had appeared. I looked around for other stealth-stewards.

"Commander?" Dan drew out the word, trying to get my attention back.

"Right. Plans. We um. Don't shoot the pretty ponies."

"Right." Dan giggled.

"We give them an example of what a mech can do, and propose a contract, no different than any other bid at that point."

"Except for the ponies," Dan quipped. Rolf snorted. His rifle didn't budge though.

"Ok, I'll ask for some kind of representation of what this supposed kingdom represents. The ones who summoned us don't seem like much of a threat, so I assume that this kingdom is basically paying us protection money. Not how I like to earn my paychecks, but I understand where she is coming from."

"Right, so parade formations, don't waste ammo, make some pretty explosions?"

"Yep. The locals don’t seem to have anything like this firepower, so we just don't scare them too badly and we wait until they research the…uh…way back."

Dan shook his head. "Your call Commander. This had better pay."

"Oh I'll make sure of that."

---

The pavillion tent contained exactly five ponies. The two unicorn pegasi princesses. Both were significantly larger than the other ponies, I noticed. No king or queen mentioned. Princess Luna, the midnight blue one, kept yawning.

The other three were normal sized ponies. The blue stealth-steward unicorn was some kind of aide, carrying a clipboard, with a scroll painted on his side. The purple one I'd been introduced to, Twilight somethingorother. Sparkle. A star painted on her side. She sat to the side of the white princess.

The last was also white coated, a unicorn in ornate bronze armor. He glared at us as we entered. I nodded, he nodded back, and then he and Rolf stared at each other. I think his horn started glowing. The safety clicked off on Rolf's rifle. The white princess began speaking before either could escalate.

"Good morning, Gentlecolts." Dan snorted once. "I hope this meeting will be short. We are here to arrange a formal agreement and contract negotiation. I am Princess Celestia. My sister, Princess Luna, and I rule the land of Equestria." Dan snorted again. He covered it with a cough. If the Princess noticed or read into it she didn't act. "This is our steward, Pristine Scroll. He will be taking notes." I nodded to the blue unicorn who smiled politely. "Our Captain of the Guard, Shining Armor." I think the white unicorn stood up straighter. Otherwise he didn't move. "And you have met Twilight Sparkle." I nodded to the purple unicorn, and she nodded back. "She is the one who noticed the ceremony being performed which summoned you. It is her work which has proven the existence of the uprising against Equestria."

"May I speak, Your Majesty?" The princess seemed done with her introductions, so I figured it was time to play the confused bystanders. The princess nodded. "We come from a different place. I have never seen…creatures like you before. While the stars here match a planet we know, this is obviously not that planet. My first priority is returning to our ship from where we were summoned, and in that endeavour I am completely at the mercy of the crown.” Princess Celestia nodded as Princess Luna eyed us critically. “I do not know, nor do I have any affiliation with, the individuals who were found at the feet of our mechs." I shrugged. "I am Commander Christophe Black. This is Rolf Hansf, Daniel Wilks, and Hiro Suzuki." I motioned to my men in turn. "We are Atari Mercenary Operations Unlimited. I apologize for the intrusion into your lands."

Princess Celestia nodded and smiled. "That is polite of you all. You are welcome in our kingdom."

"Thank you, Your Majesty."

"I understand that as a mercenary unit you are soldiers for hire?" She was taking this the route of ‘lets make this all official’. I could work with that.

"That is correct Your Majesty. We have ten years of experience together as a mercenary unit."

"How many engagements?"

"Twelve large scale engagements, with several skirmishes and guard positions not worth mentioning."

The black princess Luna nodded, and Celestia acted subtly impressed. "That is a significant number for a fighting unit."

"Armored cavalry managed safely has a much higher survival rate, though we tend to have much higher expenses."

"What is a typical fighting force that you have faced?" Princess Celestia was dominating the discussions. Either Princess Luna was too tired, or she was second in command.

"We typically are contracted to face units similar to ours with around 100 infantry. We are also used to being integrated into forces three to four times our size with supporting infantry. That being said, we specialize in small engagements and flanking maneuvers against machines like ours. I can be prepared to give you and your military leaders a small demonstration of our abilities tomorrow."

The princess nodded and looked contemplative. "Captain Armor, do you have any questions for the foreigners?"

The white unicorn turned and had on his best Royal Guard glare. It really spoke to the quality of the royal guard. It takes years of practice and dedication to perfect the amount of piercing condescension and disdain for disorder that goes into that glare. Shining Armor instantly had my admiration for his professional demeanor. His combat prowess would have to be demonstrated later.

Shining Armor looked up at me. "I do not trust you."

"That is fair."

"Give me one reason that I should think you are not with the cultists."

"When we arrived, my scout accidentally killed one." Hiro winced.

"His corpse was recovered," Princess Luna commented. "What manner of sorcery do your machines wield?"

"None, your Majesty. The scout machine can…uh…fly like a firework rocket." The princess nodded.

"This could be a part of a plot to infiltrate our lines,” Shining Armor continued.

I nodded. "True, Captain. I would say though that using an alien force to infiltrate for subterfuge would seem a poor decision in terms of subtlety. I willingly provided the audio recording of what the cultists said once we arrived. It could be reverse psycology, granted, but it would be easy enough to dedicate an investigation to. An overt plot like this seems as though it would unravel too quickly."

“Yet you stand to be at the gates of our kingdom as the primary line of defense. How do I know you won’t turn?”

“I suppose you have no proof but my promise on my honor as a businessman. As far as our motivations, our only hope of returning to our planet is to cooperate long enough for this spell research to take place. While we could undeniably cause significant damage to this kingdom, our machines would begin to fall apart due to lack of maintenance inside of a year. Our best course of action is to cooperate, if the crown is truly able to return us to where we belong.”

The Captain of the Guard grimaced, shot another glare at Rolf, and nodded. “Without proof of their abilities, I have no further questions your Majesty.”

The white princess nodded and smiled. “Then it would seem further discussion will have to wait for the demonstration you promised. Shall we reconvene tomorrow morning?”

No questions from the purple unicorn? Interesting. I nodded and smiled. “That is most gracious of you, Your Majesty. I look forward to the morning.”

She smiled. “Very well then. Twilight Sparkle, I am officially appointing you as Ambassador of Equestria to Commander Black and his unit. Please escort them to Ponyville until our meeting tomorrow.” A field promotion to ambassador. Even more interesting.

The purple unicorn bowed. “Of course Princess. You can count on me!”

“I know I can, Twilight Sparkle, and I will. If there are no further questions, Commander?” I shook my head. “Very good. You are dismissed. The Ambassador will lead your unit to the closest town here, called Ponyville. Applejack will be hosting your unit at her farm.”

“Thank you very much, Your Majesty.” I bowed, waved for the guys to follow, and exited the tent.

The blue-and-rainbow pegasus must have been eavesdropping, because she flew up and feigned innocence. The tan pony trotted our way, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. The purple unicorn exited the tent a moment later. “Applejack, we will be escorting the Commander and his unit back to your farm for the rest for the day,” she told the tan pony.

“Alrighty then. Lemme know when y’all are ready to follow!” She looked at me and smiled. I nodded.

“Understood Ma’am. Mount up Atari.”