Alone, not Lonely

Chapter 7

The night arrived soon enough, which contributed to Ash’s restlessness. The party wasn’t what bothered him, but the final decision that would come afterwards. There had been only one time where he was forced to make a drastic decision. It was the night he left his former home. But that choice had been simple. There was no future for him under his father. At that time he knew he would miss his books and small bedroom. But the possession he prized most was not his to leave behind. As long as he could gaze upon the full moon he wouldn’t miss any of it.

The doubt as old as time, is it not? To be content with what you have achieved, or to set your eyes on the stars and never stop. Like an author that has writer’s block, he couldn’t move forward. But time has no concern for our trouble.

“What are you thinking about, looking so deep?” Twilight nudged him lightly, relieving the dark silence between them. They hadn’t spoken much in the last couple of hours, only trading a few words when necessary. Things were pretty awkward since the stallion’s future had been discussed.

“Nothing in particular.” He lied. “Are there going to be more ponies in this party, or just your private group?” He honestly wanted to know, but it wasn’t so important that it couldn’t have waited. It was just easier to avoid annoying questions.

“Knowing Pinkie she probably invited most of Ponyville. Don’t worry, though. You won’t have to chit-chat with them all. At least it isn’t a surprise party.” She recalled the night that had started it all. It wasn’t a bad memory but it made her chest tighten. This was her last chance.

Even from far away the couple could hear the loud music, accompanied by distant dancing and laughing. When they got closer it was clear that Sugarcube Corner was packed with multicolored ponies dancing and playing. Twilight had done this some times before, but every time Pinkie outdid herself. Ash was downright stunned. Ignoring the voice inside his brain that told him to analyze the other’s behavior carefully, becoming one with the crowd, he just stared. He could see a green unicorn and white earth pony with wrapped candy for a cutie mark dancing a few meters away. At his right a blond pegasus swallowed a whole muffin.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie and Twilight told me you’re Ash and this is your super-most-welcoming-pinkie-pie-welcome-party!”The pink mare appeared out of nowhere as usual, which didn’t annoy Ash but made him acknowledge she was a force he did not want to upset.  

“Hi Pinkie. Great party as usual. Our friend here is a bit shy, so perhaps you could go with him and make some introductions.” Twilight knew this was a big gamble, but if neither she nor her friends could make the stallion stay, perhaps somepony else would. This extra time would also grant her time to prepare for the final blow.

After a couple of hours Ash was immensely tired. He had met more mares than he could count, along with about five stallions. There was something profoundly wrong with the gender ratio in this town. He had chatted a bit with Rarity and Applejack, and while seeing Rainbow he didn’t feel like talking to her just yet. He had meant to greet Fluttershy but she was busy with the birds that provided the music. After some time of games and shamefully clumsy dancing he heard somepony whispering on his ear.

“Come with me.”

A hoof pulled him sharply, leading him to the exit. When they arrived outside it was perfectly clear that Twilight had something important to say. They went around the corner so they wouldn’t be seen or heard. This, however, did not stop a certain blue pegasus mare from following them out of sheer curiosity. The unicorn opened her mouth, ready to speak. But she didn’t. Each just stared at the other for a while. Then something clicked inside the mare’s brain, allowing her to finally express herself openly.

“Ash…. We have only met for a day, but what a day it was! It’s not like I feel we have met for years now, but I wish we had. This might seem rash, but I can’t imagine what it would be like not knowing you. I don’t know if you’ve decided yet, but perhaps this will help.” Now she was genuinely afraid. She stepped forward, closing the gap between them until it became inexistent.

Ash didn’t close his eyes as she did. In fact his were wide open, displaying shock and confusion. Instead of breaking the link, he returned the kiss. It was his first time, but instinct quickly caught up. When they’re lips split he couldn’t look at her, ashamed of himself. In spite of this, Ash spoke first.

“Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry. I don’t feel that way. At all. Sorry.” Not knowing how to best respond he just apologized repeatedly. Surely she would understand.

“Then… then why?” The mare was shaking slightly, afraid of the answer. She now thought the best thing that could happen to her was the ground swallowing her whole.

“It was instinct, I guess. I mean, it felt good, I don’t know. But what were you expecting? Certainly you understand that if I didn’t return your feelings I would leave. Wouldn’t it be better to leave things as they were?”

“You know that I couldn’t just be friends with you. Not after today.”She was by now unable to breathe normally.

Rainbow Dash observed as the purple mare's eyes filled with tears, the male distressed from the recent discussion.

Ash couldn't bare it any longer. He knew he shouldn't, that anypony with a decent heart in his chest could never do it. But he did anyway. He turned around and left,

the party as noisy as before. The ponies inside would freeze if they even suspected what was going around outside.

Twilight couldn't move. Where could she go? Certainly not the party. And the library felt too lonely to even contemplate as a choice.

The stallion had made a turn, so he wasn't visible anymore. Not to the lonely unicorn, that is. Rainbow dash was homing rapidly into the blue-maned pegasus.

*CRASH*

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER, YOU MONSTER? AFTER ALL SHE DID FOR YOU. HOW CAN ANYPONY BE SO SELFISH AND HEARTLESS?" Dash was now sitting on top of him, who was lying in his back. Between each word a violent hoof met his face, his snout or his eyes.

But Ash wasn't fighting back. No thought of self-preservation entered his mind. He felt tears dropping on his face, but he couldn't tell whether they were his or Rainbow's. He knew he was weeping, but not from pain. Pain was nothing compared to his emotional suffering. But how could he cry when he felt so hollow inside?

He had turned away from the only pony that ever loved him like that. And worst of all, she could never see him again as he would rather die than set his eyes on her again. There he was, running away from his problems, as always.

Eventually Rainbow got tired and gave up. There was nothing else she could do to him. Crushing his wings was usually the ultimate punishment for a pegasus, apart from death. But she wasn’t a murderer and such a poor flyer couldn’t possibly miss his wings very much, so she just left, disgusted.

Twilight was now gone, so Ash took his time, standing up. He could feel his face swelling from the recent beating. It was time to leave, for good.

Unfortunately his cloak was still at the library. But he wasn’t going back there, no way. For one, Twilight could be there, and even if she weren’t Spike would ask him about his swollen face. It was time to leave everything behind, even if that meant his own life. He had no idea how long it would be before he reached the closest town, and without bits or food it was bound to be an excruciating trip.

Ash didn’t go far. Soon a figure much taller than him stood before him. They had never met before, but the wings and horn left no doubt in his mind. Celestia wouldn’t be happy about what just happened to her student. Nonetheless, such an immediate response caught the gray stallion off guard.

“Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria.” He spoke these words, but did not bow. In principle this would be a casual visit, as he had broken no laws. Politics never spiked his interest, so he also had very little reason to respect Celestia, since being born an alicorn required no knowledge or skill.

“Ash Cloud. My most beloved student Twilight Sparkle has told me everything about what happened today. I won’t stop you from leaving, but I am interested in your justification.” There was no anger in her voice, only kindness, as expected from the perfectly benevolent ruler.

“I have no answers for you, Celestia. And shouldn’t you be busy? I mean, if you have time to check on your student’s romantic interests, surely this kingdom must practically run itself!” His rudeness surprised the princess. She had not been spoken in such a way in several centuries.

Ash had nothing to lose, so fake pleasantries would be a waste of his patience. As far he knew Twilight was a grown mare and could take care of her own problems.

“You hurt my student, and you don’t expect me to defend her? Who do you take me for? She sent me many scrolls today, when she could get a few moments alone, I suspect. But can you really disappear from her life, knowing she loves you?”

“Please. She doesn’t love me. She’s young and inexperienced. Obviously confusing her affection for somepony who feels the same pain she felt some time ago, for something deeper. Besides, I only met her last night.

“Love can appear when and where you least expect it, my little pony. Don’t be so quick to judge her feelings…”

“SHUT UP, YOU MULE! WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? ” Ash had never said something like that before and everypony would agree that insulting the goddess of the sun was not a bright thing to do.

The princess sighed, patting her own forehead with her hoof. “I understand you are confused, but there is no need to punish Twilight and yourself further.” She offered a smile, hoping the stallion would make the right choice.

“Sure, easy for you to say. But would have followed your advice a thousand years ago, when you imprisoned Luna? Actually, there is something I always wondered. The old pony tale said the stars would help in her escape, not that her banishment was temporary. You meant her to stay there forever didn’t you? You’re no less of a monster than I am.”

“There are no monsters here. Just a pair of ponies that made some very bad decisions. But my mistakes do not justify yours. You can still return to her, make amends.”

“Amends? I did nothing wrong. Why can’t I just leave?”

“Because you don’t want to. It’s as simple as that really.”

“But I do. All this time I was alone, not lonely. I don’t need to be around ponies, they are just annoying. Twilight was weak, becoming fragile due to her feelings. I AM NOT LIKE THAT. I AM NOT WEAK. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!” He ran past Celestia, not caring in which direction he went. Ash Cloud never looked back.

He galloped far away, trying not to think about how easily Celestia could reach him and, should she desire it, kill him. Or send him to the moon forever. Still, ponies that have nothing to lose do the strangest things, do they not?

After he made sure he wasn’t being followed, a flapping of wings was heard, graceful but still pretty powerful. But despite his worries, it was not Celestia who landed facing him, but a darker, younger alicorn. Somepony he actually wanted to meet, that had inspired him for so many years.

Princess Luna.