Emperor's Child in Equestria
Chapter 20: I Do Cocaine!
Previous Chapter Next ChapterYou are Lilieth, Reaver Wych of the Kabal of the Hand of Fate and everything here is too slow! You had hoped for prey that you might chase, but they all just hide behind walls! The Black Foe was the only one that might present a challenge to you and he was nowhere to be found.
”All within the sound of my voice, hear me and know that we must strike at the Black One! He summons daemonic aid from the Warp and brings forth a servant of She Who Thirsts!”
That was not good. Not good at all. You whirl your jetbike around and speed off in the direction the Scourge’s transmission came from. In the distance you can see flickering Warplight and hear some kind of horrid mechanical roaring. As you get close the light dims momentarily before a cacophonous explosion shakes the area. The roaring grows yet louder and you push your bike to its limits to get there and stop the summoning. Suddenly the roaring is upon you.
”KE KE KE KE YEEEEEEAH!”
Over a section of ruined battlements comes a sight that leaves you speechless. A human armored midnight blue and bright pink with a flaming skull ramps over the battlements on an attack bike, the wheels of which trail fire even when not touching the ground. In his hand he wields a throbbing daemonsword. For a moment he glances at you and the sword descends. It meets the front of your jetbike and passes through it like a blade through the air. It tears your bike apart and finally the sword meets you and then all you know is torment unending.
You are Anonymous and today is a good day. Infernus stands there, left utterly speechless by the sight he just witnessed. It’s not every day you get to see Doomrider summoned. In the distance you hear a cry of “I DO COCAINE!” and you can’t help but shed a tear of joy.
Within moments most of the assault has let up, all the Reavers now solely focused on dueling with Doomrider. Infernus and his squad finally come to their senses.
”Anonymous, what the FUCK was that?”
“That was my buddy, Doomrider. He does cocaine.”
”I had gathered that. But why him? Why a daemon?”
“If you hadn’t noticed, most of the marines here are having trouble keeping up with the Reavers. There’s nobody in the Materium or the Warp that can claim to be as fast or proficient with a bike as Doomrider is... well except for that one ork.”
”Can he handle that many enemies?”
You shrug. “Probably. At the very least it takes the pressure off of us. Those Reavers won’t be able to resist fighting him.”
”What do you suggest we do in the meantime while he occupies the xenos?”
“I’m going to go find Shining Armor. We can’t protect the town while it’s vulnerable to aerial attack. Hopefully they can put some kind of shield over Ponyville, it would make our job infinitely easier.”
”Very well, we shall return to battle then. Emperor keep you.”
“Dark Gods watch over you.” you reply.
You are Doomrider AND YOU DO COCAINE! By the twelve foot dongs of Slaanesh, this is a battle! Except these stupid Eldar fucks are flying! That’s cheating! You pretty much just have to wait for them to get close to you in order to kill them. And yeah, there's no shortage of the idiots who try, but still. It’s far too slow. You took a few down with your plasma pistol, but still they’re out there just taunting you. You ramp your bike off another ruined battlement and tear through another jetbike.
Yeah it's all fun, but it's just too damn slow! This bike is your one and only love, but the old girl just can’t fly. What you need is something that can. Swerving around a hail of splinter rounds, you aim your bike back towards the town and gun it, hoping to find some kind of vehicle to daemonize. As you ride towards the town you notice that it’s completely empty and that it’s primitive as all fuck, they don’t even seem to have vehicles here.
Fuck fuck fuckitty f- Oh wait, there’s three cute little pony things right there AND ONE OF THEM HAS A SCOOTER. Fukken jackpot!
You are Scootaloo and you, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom all managed to sneak out to watch the show. Yeah the big ponies all said it was dangerous, but you're the Cutie Mark Crusaders! You thrive on danger! And hey, maybe you guys can get your cutie marks somehow.
Suddenly you hear a mechanical roaring approaching. The three of you look around just in time to see what was easily the coolest looking human you’ve ever seen ramping off a roof towards you. OH SWEET CELESTIA THAT THING HE'S RIDING! It's a thing of pure beauty! The human lands his machine and skids to a halt next to the three of you.
”SUP PONIES! NAME’S DOOMRIDER! YOU MIND IF I BORROW THAT?” he asks, pointing. You follow his finger to see that he’s pointing at your scooter.
“You wanna borrow my scooter?” you ask incredulously.
”YEAH, BABY! I’LL EVEN LET YOU USE MY BIKE 'TIL I'M DONE WITH IT!” Your eyes widen and a single tear of pure joy makes its way down your cheek and all you can manage is to nod dumbly.
”AW YEAH!” he yells, jumping up from his bike.
You hop off your scooter as he walks over to it, and you realize it’s barely as big as his foot. Nevertheless he places his foot onto the scooter. The second it touches it it’s consumed by a blaze of corrupting purple fire. When the fire clears the scooter has changed dramatically. It’s now the perfect size for him and turned into some kind of mechanized daemon-scooter. It even has wings! Doomrider hops onto the newly daemonized scooter and revs it a few time before turning to you.
”REMEMBER KIDS! DO COCAINE EVERY DAY!” He then shoots off into the sky with a crazed bellow of “KE KE KE KE YEEEEAH!”
The three of you just stare at the bike Doomrider left for you.
”So what do we do now? Sweetie asks.
“Now?” you ask. You put on a pair of over sized sunglasses. “We crusade for our cutie marks.”
You are Hierarch Fingolfin and you’ve finally managed to land and muster what few troops you have remaining. The number is pitifully low, you’d had serious doubts when your force was at full strength, but now you’re certain that victory will be out of reach. Seven thousand Kabalites and barely two dozen darklance canons survived the travel.
You’d have simply bombarded the town with your shipboard weapons, but you didn’t dare get close to it with that beam weapon still there. And the human’s strike cruiser would tear your own ships apart before you got close.
You look to your Incubus warriors, each of them hardened and ready for battle. Khaine’s fury burns within each of them. In this, they are more pure than the detestable dark kin could ever be. Pride swells within you as you look over your sect. Every single one of you will die in this battle. But with any hope, so would the Black Foe.
You raise your Klaive high into the air and bellow the war cry of your sect. The cry of your old shrine. “Aure entuluva!”
”AURE ENTULUVA!” they reply.
With that you begin the march to your doom. As your force marches you take up an old song from Valinor. It's one of your favorites, written by an old friend about the Fall.
“I’ve seen the moon and the first sunrise.”
Your Incubi take up the song with you.
”We’ll leave it to the memories and kiss the wind goodbye.”
“For the Eldar.”
”We’re trapped inside this dream.”
“Of the Eldar’s-”
”Song of Doom.”
You are Discus Infernus and you really have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore. The daemon that Anonymous summoned now tears through the skies on some kind of monstrous, daemonic... scooter. He’d been dominating the battle up until now, but now that he was able to fly he was raping them. Quite literally. More than once he’d stopped mid fight, dropped trou, and raped an Eldar. To death.
Now that the skies were essentially clear your men and the Rubric Marines wasted no time securing the perimeter again. Suddenly you’re assaulted by some kind of horrible noise that you can’t identify. You turn around and emerging from a Warp portal are Apophis and his two Rubric Dreadnought guardians. The noise was the laughing and screaming of each respective Dreadnought.
A presence begins worming its way into your mind. Out of reflex you seize the presence in a mental grip and begin throttling it. The presence, surprised at your reaction, begins shouting into your mind.
”Hold! It is Apophis!”
You release the mental invader and the presence establishes a mental link between you and Apophis. “My apologies, friend, it was merely a reflex.”
You can feel wariness radiate from the mental link. ”Yes... Well we must tighten our defenses. The xenos will strike again and soon.”
“Aye. My men are reforming their lines as we speak.”
”All we need now is-”
”Miss me, fuckers?” booms a familiar voice accompanied by the roar of raptor engines.
“Ah, good, the gang’s all here.”
You are, once again, Doomrider and this fucking scooter is absolutely amazing. Nothin' like your old girl, but it sure is something. And it flies, which is definitely something your bike can’t do. The instant you took to the skies the battle changed.
You’d been doing pretty well before then, but now you don't have to wait for an overeager eldar bitch to charge you. Now you bring the party to them. Dozens, even hundreds maybe, of Reavers circle you in the sky and your grin widens as you take in all the ready victims. The daemon-scooter roars and you speed into the mass of eldar, hacking through bike and bone with your daemonsword and blowing others apart with great gouts of plasma from your pistol. The creatures dared to fight back, but all efforts were futile.
Your new mount is more agile than many of them can follow, weaving its way through clouds of splinter rounds. You cackle madly as the battle progresses, this is so much fun! But you begin to feel something at the back of your mind that you can’t quite place. As the sky continues to fill with the jetbike riding eldar it grows. Something like... worry? Are you worried? That’s stupid! Why would you be worried?
As their numbers grow it becomes harder and harder to avoid their projectiles and you begin catching splinter rounds on your armor. A few even strike the scooter. This pisses you off incredibly. You borrowed this thing from that adorable little filly and you’ll be damned if you give it back all dinged and scratched up!
Soon beams of darklight and fire are added to the storm of splinter rounds. You blow apart a few of the darklance toting bikes but their numbers just keep swelling as more and more redirect from the battle over the town. Soon a lucky darklance shot catches the back of your daemon-scooter, blowing the engine apart. The twisted machine spirit roars in fury as you start rapidly losing height.
”FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK!” you curse.
Maneuvering capabilities essentially gone, a heat lance has no trouble finding you. The scooter blows apart from the attack, sending you hurtling towards the ground. As you fly through the air you are able to process only one thing. You are pissed and no amount of cocaine can fix it.
The ground comes up startlingly fast and you hit it at full speed, kicking up a huge cloud of dust as you hit.
You slowly pry yourself from the hole with only one though making its way through your mind. The scooter is gone and now you can’t return it to that adorable pony. This is the worst. Possible. THING. You get to your feet and start shaking in anger. The flames that cover your skull begin to consume the rest of your body as the rage overtakes you.
”Chaos. Fucking. DAMNIT!” A pillar of fire erupts from your body, fueled by your anger and leaps into the sky, incinerating dozens of jetbike riding eldar. They still swarm around you, believing you to be helpless without your vehicle. Good. Let them come, they will die all the faster for it. You tighten your grip on your weapons and prepare to fight.
A Reaver breaks from the swarm and charges you. A single swipe of your blade bisects her bike and sends her soul screaming to Slaanesh. Another comes and a shot from your pistol reduces her and her bike to a flaming ball of slag. You swipe your pistol across the sky, your twitching finger depressing the trigger a dozen times a second and sending a storm of plasma into the cloud of jetbikes. Wreckage rains from the sky, but your temper doesn’t abate in the slightest.
The eldar still insist on engaging you in melee with their bikes, and as each one tries they discover the folly of their choice. You whirl and hack and slash and shoot, a storm of fire, steel, and death as you dance across the battlefield, each movement taking an eldar life. You do not tire, for you are of daemonkind, but the eldar still vastly outnumber you. Some of the less idiotic ones stay back and fire their long range weapons at you. Splinter rounds pepper your armor, the neurotoxic shards shattering harmlessly against you. But darklance and heat lance glancing blows are starting to actually wound you.
Fire and magic bleed through great rents in your armor caused by near misses of the weapons. You don’t fear death, as you cannot die, but being banished to the Warp would be a fucking pain in your ass. Suddenly it seems like the Reavers have had enough, dozens of them swarm you at once. You grit your teeth, knowing that this will likely spell your end. You can only hope those ponies take good care of your bike.
You raise your weapons to meet them, but suddenly a familiar roaring grabs your attention. A hail of bolter rounds tears into the coming storm of jetbikes and devastates them, leaving none alive. You turn around to see your savior only to come face to face with the sight of your beloved bike barreling over a hill, the daemonic stormbolters on the front blazing. And in the seat are three little fillies. The bike lands and skids to a halt in front of you, the orange one whose scooter you borrowed sitting at the front, a pair of sunglasses perched on her nose.
”Somepony call for a ride?” she asks.
“KE KE KE KE YEEEEAH, BABY!”
You are Anonymous and everything’s going pretty well so far. Twilight and her friends joined you all after the skies had been cleared. Applejack and Rarity are worried sick about their sisters though, apparently they’d snuck off to go watch the battle. You didn’t have the heart to tell them they were probably dead.
“Give me a report, how many men are we down.”
”I have a dozen or so injured, none dead at this point, Celestia’s tending to them along with our Apothecaries now.” Infernus reports. “That... daemon came just in time.”
”And mine are not alive and therefore cannot die, so I remain at full strength.” Apophis says.
“Brother, do you not have a battle barge? Why not have it take up position with Spirit of Funk to protect us from further aerial attacks?”
”Because it is currently loaded with millions of Imperial citizens that I have rescued over the years. I will not put their lives in jeopardy unless it is absolutely necessary.” he explains.
“Understandable. Enough lives are at stake here as it is.”
You look to Shining Armor who currently leans on Twilight for support while he stands. He said he was sufficiently recovered, but you have your doubts.
“Armor, are you absolutely certain you’re ready to rejoin the defense?”
”Yes sir. I’ll be able to have a shield in place within a few minutes, sir.”
”Don’t worry.” Twilight assures you. “My brother’s the best there is at shield spells.”
“He’ll have to be.” you say. “But in the meantime we need to close our defenses and make sure nothing gets through.”
”The forest to our back might present a problem.“ Infernus says. “Knowing dark eldar raiding tactics, they’ll likely strike from there.”
”Uhm... excuse me?” a soft voice says. You briefly wonder where the voice came from, before locating the butter yellow pegasus it emanated from. Oh right, Fluttershy exists, doesn’t she?
“Yes Fluttershy?” you ask.
”Um, you don’t need to worry about the forest.” she says.
“Fluttershy, it’s incredibly likely that they will strike from there.”
”Oh I know. But you don’t have to worry about them.”
“And why’s that? The xenos will try to use that forest to attack us.”
”Well, um, because my friends won’t let them.” she says with a small smile.
You are Kalisar, an Incubus under the command of Fingolfin. You have been ordered to lead a thousand of your number into the forest to strike the humans from the rear and distract them while your Hierarch strikes with the main body of your force. You hate it in here. It's as if the forest itself was against you. Trees press in unbearably close, separating warriors and cutting off groups. Vines and roots snag the armor in almost deliberate ways and more than once you’d been forced to hack your way through with your Klaive.
One of the most infuriating things to happen so far was having nearly a hundred hardened Kabalite warriors go frolicing off into the forest to pick flowers and play with animals after trudging through a patch of blue flowers. All in all, things are going pretty badly and you are less than pleased with your progress thus far.
Suddenly you hear splinter weapons being fired in the distance. Idiots! They’re going to betray your position! A voice comes over the vox network.
”My lord! We are under att- AAARGH!”
“What in Khaine’s name..?”
You order your men to halt and slowly the band of warriors comes to a stop. The sound of weapons ceases. For a few moments all is silent. Then the forest comes alive. Animals pour out of the foliage and descend upon your warriors in a flurry of ripping teeth and slashing claws.
“TO ARMS!” you yell.
Your warriors do their best to obey, but most of them are already being mauled by monsters.
Some manner of avian lizard wraps itself around the warrior to your left and thrusts its face against his, as though it were trying to stare him to death. To your surprise and mild horror the warrior is turned to stone. What manner of sick death world is this?!
A colossal lion descends through the treetops and lands atop a group of warriors to your right. Something is horribly wrong with it though. It possesses the wings of a bat and the stinging tail of a scorpion. Its teeth and claws reduce the warriors to mere scraps of meat in moments while its tail impales a half dozen others and pumps some horrific corrosive venom into them, melting them from the inside out. Packs of wolves twice the size of a Kabalite and made from wood bring down and tear apart dozens of your men. Numerous other mundane but no less terrifying creatures join the assault as well.
Khaine’s fury wells up within you at the sight of your warriors being taken to pieces by animals. You heft your Klaive and bound into the fray, your weapon cleaving through flesh and bone and wooden body alike. A few other warriors mount a counter offensive alongside you, but the damage is already done, in the opening moments of the ambush so many of your number fell that even if you survive your mission will end. Eldar and monster fall in equal number, your weapon carving up offerings to the Bloody Handed One with every stroke.
“Animals! Mere animals!” you yell in fury.
After hacking apart another of the wooden wolves you notice the sound of thundering footsteps. Trees tear apart as a giant blue paw swipes them away as though they were toothpicks. You look up into the slavering maw of a titanic bear, it’s pelt was as the starlit night sky. It gazes down upon you and you know that you have failed in your task. Neither you not your force will survive this. You ready your Klaive for what you know is your final fight. Khaine’s name on your lips, you charge the beast.
You are Anonymous and you’re still not totally convinced that Fluttershy’s “friends” were enough to keep the xenos from the forest. But you're just going to have to trust her, the other ponies do after all.
You and the rest of the Astartes closed ranks and reformed your defenses, ready to buy time for Shining Armor to prepare his shield spell.
You briefly wonder where Doomrider got to. As if in response to your thoughts the roar of a daemon-engine comes upon you. You turn around to the sight of Doomrider skidding his bike to a halt before y- oh Chaos no! Those crazy fillies have him!
”YO ANON! CHECK OUT WHAT I FOUND! CAN I KEEP EM?” he asks holding out Scootaloo.
”Hey Anon! Check out what we found! Can we keep him?” Scootaloo asks excitedly.
You stare at them all dumbly for a few moments just trying to process what you were seeing.
“No Doomrider, you cannot keep the ponies. Put them down.”
”AWWWWWW!” the pony and the daemon prince whine together.
“No! No buts about it! Put the filly down. And you three!” you say, sternly addressing the Crusaders.
They all look at the ground, all being familiar with getting in trouble.
“Your sisters have been worried sick about you! Do you have any idea how annoying they are when they’re worried! They would not shut up!”
The three fillies look up at you in surprise. That clearly wasn’t what they were expecting.
”So... we’re not in trouble for sneaking out into battle with a daemon?” Sweetie Belle asks hopefully.
“No.”
They all sigh in relief.
“You’re in trouble for making your sisters worried and by extension annoying me!”
”Oh come on!” Sweetie yells.
A short while later after sending the Cutie Mark Crusaders on their ways, you and Doomrider do what you can to pass the time before battle. Which entails a lot of cocaine.
”I DO COCAINE!”
“YOU AREN’T THE ONLY ONE!”
”HOLY SHIT, I’M SO FUCKING PUMPED FOR THIS BATTLE!”
“GODS DAMNIT, ME TOO! I’M GONNA RAPE ME SO MANY HOT ELDAR BITCHES!”
”WOO! GONNA KICK ME SOME ELDAR ASS!”
“HOLY SHIT ME TOO!”
”YEAH! FOOTBALL!
“FOOTBALL!”
”RAAAAAAAGH!”
”YEEEEEEEAH!"
”By the Emperor, would you two SHUT UP!” Infernus yells at you. You look around at Infernus. He seems pretty tense.
“You know what’d set you right, man? Some COCAI-”
”NO! Shut up! I’m not doing any of your Emperor damned drugs!”
”Man, you’re such a fucking party pooper.”
”I am n-”
”Did somepony say party!?”
”Oh Emperor, no.”
You are Discus Infernus and you are not fucking doing this right now.
”WOO! I DO CONFECTIONARY SUGAR!”
That fucking pink pony is a monster. And she just... doesn’t feel right.
Suddenly a familiar voice rings out over the vox network. ”Brother... the xenos... march on us.” the voice of your master booms through your helmet.
“The main force?”
”Aye brother. Prepare... the chapter. It... will be... a fight to remember.”
“How many can you make out, lord?”
”Several thousand... coming directly... for the town.”
“Can you give me their force composition?”
”Warriors... thousands of warriors... Little else.”
“Only warriors? Their forces are usually far more versatile than that.”
”This force is... composed only... of warriors, Incubi, and... darklance platforms.”
“Are they planning some sort of siege? We’ll be able to hold them off forever if the shield gets up in time.”
”IF... it is up... in time.”
“Do you believe we may weather this storm, my lord?”
”That we may... but brace yourself, brother... The xenos... are coming.”
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