Spike awoke one Friday morning to a burning hot Sun. After he took a cold shower, he dressed in his lightest clothes and went to the staff quarters, where he found his friends sprawled out on the sofas. The girls were wearing their swimsuits under crop tops and short shorts while Soarin and Zephyr Breeze were dressed in their work pants but wore their button up shirts open.

“You sure you don’t want a slice?” Applejack asked Twilight as she took a bite out of a piece of reheated pizza.

“For breakfast?” she replied. “You’ve got to be joking.”

“It’s better than beer,” Zephyr Breeze told her.

“Not for a hangover,” Soarin commented.

“I know something to stop hangovers,” Spike said.

“What?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Don’t drink so much,” he answered. “Now, come on or we’ll be late for Discord’s morning pscyh-up.”

The Flimflam Brothers’ Resort was abuzz when the group exited the elevator onto the lobby. Several pieces from Equestria’s Largest Items Museum (including Equestria’s largest pen and silverware, among others) were on loan to the Brothers and people from all over the world had come just to see them. But it wasn’t the Brothers’ idea, it was Discord’s.

And speaking of Discord, when they got to the staff locker room, he was already there, waiting to reveal his latest piece of “management genius.” He called it, “The Wall of Shame.” It was kind of like “Employee of the Month”, only the exact opposite. And the first inductee, for single-handedly dragging the Flimflam Brothers’ Resort through the mud, was Twilight Sparkle.

The gang couldn’t deny that Twilight had had a lot of bad luck recently. Earlier that morning, she had locked herself out of her room.

“I won the pool,” Pinkie Pie commented.

“Pinkie wins it three days in a row, that’s uncanny,” Rainbow Dash said.

“What did you have yesterday, Pinkie?” Sunset asked.

“Uh, it was scrapes and nicks and she cut herself shaving her legs, hence the dark nylons she was wearing,” Pinkie recalled. “The day before that I had stubbing something, and it was the big toe on the bed.”

“It still hurts,” Twilight shared.

“Tell me, what do you predict for tomorrow?” Soarin asked Pinkie.

“Uh... Uh, I see a mine shaft out in the middle of the desert,” she replied.

“Okay, mouth breathers, eyes front!” Discord interrupted them. “The topic for today -- love the guest more than you love yourself. Zephyr Breeze, if a guest asks you to use your hand to blow their nose, what do you do?”

“Uh... Run?”

“Wrong!” Discord yelled. “You say, ‘Here you go, sir. Do you prefer my right hand or my left?’ Twilight, if a guest tells you to go get fucked by one of Applejack’s male relatives, what do you say?”

“Ew!”

“Wrong! You say, ‘Madame would you like me to get fucked by Big McIntosh or Golden Delicious?’” he told her. “Remember, you are here for one and only one reason.”

“To ride the most awesome, epic, off-the-charts rollercoaster, play some of the just as awesome gambling tables, and have fun?” Rainbow Dash answered.

“Wrong, wrong, and WRONG!! To serve the guests and make their stay the best ever anywhere! You are here to sell fun! In exchange for the hard-earned money of your customers, you will deal out happiness. People will go home and dream of what they saw here and what they did here. I hope you all remember that when the work is hard, or when guests are rude, as they often will be, or when you feel your best efforts go underappreciated,”

“Sadly, one of his better pep talks,” Spike thought.

“Now listen up -- major announcement! The Flimflam Brothers, Mr. Glimmer, and I are going to Vanhoover for the weekend for a hotel-management conference, and we are leaving Sunburst in charge while we’re gone. He’s going to drive you losers like a rental car -- hard and without mercy. Right, Sunburst?”

Sunburst nodded.

“And if I hear that you’ve been slacking, I’ll come back cracking... skulls,” Discord warned them. “Now, go forth!”

After he sent everyone back out, Discord took one final walk around the Resort before he left.

“I’m gonna miss the place,” he said. “Goodbye my baby,” he told his surveillance golf cart. “Goodbye Equestria’s Largest Money-Making Vibrating Banana. Goodbye my aquarium full of fish. Be good while Daddy’s away.”

Discord looked toward the water fountain. Then he nodded once more in a businesslike way before making his way to Flim and Flam’s black limousine, which was parked out front, and where Starlight was seeing her father off.

“I’ll think of you every day,” Firelight told her. “Remember, Sunburst is in charge until we get back, so don’t even think about throwing another wild party!” He gave her one final kiss on the cheek as he said, “Goodbye, Pumpkin.”

The limo’s engine purred to life after he and Discord got in the back and the taillights flashed as it pulled away.

Once they were gone, Sunburst spoke to the crew.

“Okay, guys, as acting manager, I vow not to be anything like Discord,” he told them. “I vow to manage using unadulterated logic. Just follow these three simple rules -- take a break whenever you need to, have fun -- because if you’re having fun, the guests are having fun -- and no strikes unless you smash the Brothers’ statue or something. But what are the chances of that happening?”

And they all cheered and went their separate ways.

Zephyr Breeze, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Starlight and Twilight were lounging around the outdoor swimming pools late that morning while Applejack was on lifeguard duty. It wasn’t even noon yet and it was already a hundred degrees in the shade (and getting hotter). And as if that weren’t bad enough, most of the hotel’s ice machines broke down and the kitchen ran out of lemonade. The pools were overcrowded as Sunset Shimmer (in her black bikini and sarong) ran this way and that way, trying to keep the guests’ cups full, while the rest of the girls tried to keep cool.

“We’re dying!” Dear Darling cried.

“Bring us some more water!” Fond Feather added.

“Hurry up with our drinks!” Chrysalis and Feather Bangs both shouted.

“Calm down!” Sunset replied. “I’ve only got two hands!”

“The service here stinks!” Swoon Song complained.

While Sunset served them, Rainbow Dash noticed Applejack (clad in a red two-piece uniform) looking off into space.

“Hello?” Dash asked her as she waved a hand in front of AJ’s eyes. “What’re you staring at?”

“The handsomest thing in the world,” Applejack sighed in reply.

It was Spike, shirtless, and wringing a wet towel out over his head.

Needless to say, Applejack liked what she saw.

“So, what are you waiting for?” Dash asked AJ. “Ask Spike out already!”

“Me ask him out? Are you nuts?”

“AJ, it’s the Twenty-First century. Guys like it when you ask them out!”

“Yeah, independent women rule!” Zephyr Breeze agreed chipperly. “That’s why I signed up to help judge them in the staff bikini contest tonight.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Dash replied.

“It’s sad, really,” Zephyr said, “that Discord had to be gone this weekend of all weekends. It’s the best idea he ever came up with--the most beautiful women on our payroll parading around, hoping to be chosen as ‘the fairest one of all’... Some of them are already bribing me to vote for them.”

“That is so sexist!” said Twilight. “I hate degrading female contests with every fiber of my being. I mean, where’s the men’s swimsuit competition?”

“Spike already won that,” Zephyr replied. “And he didn’t even have to wear a speedo!”

“You are so lame!” Dash retorted.

“If being a judge for a bikini contest is lame, then I don’t want to be cool!” Zeph said proudly. “Just think, in a few hours I will have a whole weekend to inspect one of the Seven Wonders of the World.”

“Bikinis are not one of the Seven Wonders of the World,” Twilight argued.

“One of my Seven Wonders,” Zeph corrected her, “as well as waves, Sun, sand, surfboards, sleep, and chili dogs.”

Twilight rolled her eyes as she turned to walk away. Then she screamed as she tripped over her own feet and fell to the ground.

“Oh, come on! Really?” she exclaimed. She had broken one of her flip flops. “These were new shoes!” she growled as she held the broken piece in her hand.

She huffed as she got to her feet and found herself staring at Spike as well.

“Don’t even think about it,” Rainbow Dash told her.

“Where’s that same support you had for Applejack a few seconds ago?” Twilight asked.

“Look, he’s clearly not interested in you, so why don’t you just give up?” Dash replied.

Starlight disagreed. “If you really want Spike in spite of his attitude and treatment of you, then you are gonna have to make an effort. Try to do something nice for him, something that he’ll appreciate. Maybe there’s a certain fantasy of his you could fulfill.”

“One idea, darling, might be in invite a friend and/or coworker over to watch or participate in the event,” Rarity added.

Twilight shot her a hateful look.

“Asked and answered,” Rarity replied, and she went back to fanning herself.

Spike was five feet away from them when he said, “Man, I’m hungry.”

“You can have half of my chocolate bar,” Dash offered.

“I could go for a creampuff,” Pinkie said. “Or a cupcake... No! A puffcake!”

“A what?” Spike asked.

“A puffcake: half cream puff... half cupcake,” Pinkie explained.

“Go on,” he said.

“They’re big, fluffy, doughy, sugary fireworks in your mouth!”

Spike’s mouth began to water and Rainbow Dash started to drool.

“Call Cheese Sandwich,” Dash told her. “We need him to get us some!”

“He’s setting up for the luau tonight,” Pinkie replied.

“Then it’s up to us!” Rainbow declared. “We’re going on a cupcake run! Any of you girls in?”

“Not me,” Sunset said, “gotta sneak in a motocross session before the afternoon shift.”

“Starlight?” Dash asked.

“Sorry, I just got beeped,” she said, holding up her cell phone. “Got to get to work; some kid rejected his food. And by ‘rejected’, I mean he threw up.”

“Twilight?”

“I don’t know,” she told Rainbow Dash. “I have a Poker game to deal for at 4:00 in the High Rollers’ Lounge... but, if we don’t make any extra stops we can be there and back by 3:45.”

“If I wasn’t on duty, I’d go,” Applejack said to Spike. “They have these cute heart-shaped cakes. Maybe you and I could share one?”

“I could go for something chocolaty,” Spike admitted.

“I’ll get you one!” Twilight said excitedly. “I was gonna go anyway, to pick up my swimsuit for the bikini contest tonight,” she added, like she didn’t care.

“Uh, thanks?” he replied.

Twilight turned to Dash and Pinkie and said, “Let’s roll! Move it or lose it!”

Meanwhile, Sunburst sat at the front desk, crunching numbers. He input them into his time-management software and came up with a spreadsheet that, if followed, would allow everyone to do their work in half the time and break early.

“They are gonna love this,” he thought with a smile.

He was about to print it off when he felt a pair of arms curl around him and a set of soft lips kiss his cheek. It was his mother, Stellar Flare.

“Mom, what are you still doing here?” he asked. “I thought you were going to Vanhoover with Discord and the others.”

“I wanted to surprise you, sweetie,” she said. “Now, let’s go get you something to eat. You’re nothing but skin and bones.”

“I’d love to, but they left me in charge until they get back. Why don’t you hit the spa while I make the rounds and we can have lunch after?” he suggested.

Stellar thought about it and said, “Okay.” Then she kissed him on the cheek again and headed off to the spa.

Sunburst exhaled, and then jumped when he heard Spike walk up to him and say, “Going out of your way to avoid your mom?”

“No, I really need to make the rounds,” Sunburst replied.

“Here’s a crazy idea,” Spike suggested. “Talk to her. Tell her how you feel.”

“You’re right. That is crazy,”

“No, I mean it, man. All you got to do is clear your mind and let the words come out. I do it all the time,”

“Or maybe you could talk to her,”

“Yeah, that’s not what I meant,”

“I’ll help judge the bikini contest if you keep my Mom busy,”

“Well, I was gonna spend the morning at the spa, race Sunset on the motocross track this afternoon, and maybe get in a quick lap or two around the pool before going to the luau tonight... but suppose I could work her in,”

“Thanks Spike!”

Spike led the way to the spa with Zephyr Breeze close behind. The spa’s reception desk was commanded by an exotic Kirin beauty named Fern Flare. She was a very attractive young woman, with brown hair and stunning crimson eyes, and wore a fitted white uniform.

“Reservation, Drake, Spike Drake,” Spike said to her.

She spoke not a word as Spike reached for his wallet.

“I got this,” Zephyr Breeze told him.

“No,” Spike started to protest.

“You’re my friend, you invited me, let me pay,” Zephyr said.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Zeph replied as he gave Fern Flare his credit card.

She nodded to him, as if to say, “Thank you,” and then motioned for them to follow her, as if to say, “Right this way, gentlemen.”

She remained silent as she approached a divider in the wall and turned to face them. Again, she never spoke, but the look on her face seemed to ask, “Are you ready for what’s behind this door?”

“I’m ready,” Zephyr said.

Fern Flare pulled back the divider to reveal 30 of the tannest, most beautiful, voluptuous Kirin women they had ever seen.

“Oh, my goodness,” Zephyr Breeze gushed. “This place is off the hook! I love Las Pegasus!”

Finally, Fern Flare spoke.

“You get a massage from Kirin girl before?” she asked.

She had the slightest bit of an accent; it was subtle but very pretty.

“No, but I’ve heard wonderful things,” Zephyr replied.

“You can pick any girl you want,” she said.

“Any girl?” he asked.

“Any girl,” she repeated.

“I don’t know where to start,” he said honestly.

One of the Kirin women smiled at Zephyr as she cupped her breasts together and lifted them up as if she were offering him a better look.

“I’ll take her, right there,” he said quickly. “She’s got it going on.”

“Oh, yes,” Fern Flare said. “She’s very nice.”

“She is, but I’ve got some pain in my back, and my neck, so I’ll take her in the blue, too. And let me get her, and her... Is she good with feet?”

“Oh, yes,”

“What are you doing?” Spike asked.

“She said I could have any girl I want, man,” Zephyr replied.

“Well, hurry up!”

“What’s wrong with you? You don’t cut in front of a guy in a buffet line!”

“Please, follow me,” Fern Flare said after Spike had made his own decision.

She led them to a changing room just before the spa.

“Here you go,” she smiled as she handed them each a bathrobe, a towel, and a pair of flip-flops. “Put those on. I will wait outside. Then I will take you in.”

She gently closed the door, leaving Spike and Zephyr alone. They quickly undressed, wrapped the towels around their waists, and put the bathrobes on over them. They exited the changing room and followed Fern Flare again.

The ambiance was warm and relaxed as Spike and Zephyr entered the spa. It smelled densely of steam and sweat. Large pillars made of polished marble trimmed the high ceilings of the main chamber, which was decorated with pristine white furniture with gold accents. The room was crawling with women... and they were all practically naked. And as Spike drank in the oasis before him, the ladies drank him in likewise. There he was, Spike Drake, the man who had captured the hearts of infinite women, in nothing but a towel and robe.

“Enjoy,” Fern Flare told them.

Vera helped Spike into a chair while Aloe brought him a Mimosa and Lotus Blossom started rubbing his feet. None of the Kirin women spoke, and even with all of them on duty, the spa was understaffed that day—Bulk Biceps had been temporarily reassigned to massage therapy.

Zephyr Breeze couldn’t help but smile in pleasure as half a dozen Kirin women rubbed him down. He kept smiling as he closed his eyes; their hands were so soothing. Eventually, he reopened his eyes when he heard Spike talking about his last little camping excursion and how it was an epic failure.

“So it keeps raining for six solid hours, and the camping gear is totally soaked. So I finally threw everything into the S.U.V. and 20 minutes down the road, it breaks down. Luckily, my Mom was sailing nearby, and she picked me up in her yacht,” he concluded.

“Wow,” Zeph said. “Your mom is like a goddess.”

“So, how are you making out with Tree Hugger?” Spike asked.

“I’m not. She wants to take things slow, and I respect her decision,”

“Well, you’re lucky that you found a girl that’s relatively low maintenance,”

“What do you mean?”

“How much do you think the average woman spends on herself each month?” Spike asked him.

“I don’t know,”

“I do. Make up: $50, waxing: $40, haircut: $60, hair care products: $90, mani-pedi: $80,”

“Wow. That’s--”

“Over $300 a month just on beauty,” Spike replied. “And you wanna know how much they spend on skincare?”

“Yeah, I do,”

“No, you don’t,” Spike stated.

“How do you know all this stuff?” Zephyr asked.

“I study the female animal -- know your prey,” Spike answered. “And my Aunt Luna’s been a proud Cosmo subscriber since ’93. It’s like having the other team’s playbook.”

Just then, Spike heard a slight giggle. He looked slightly to his left and saw a woman sitting in one of the other chairs.

“Damn!” Spike thought.

She was a shimmering, diaphanous vision. Her skin looked warm and spoke of hours in the Sun. With luscious short hair (three shades of scarlet), chartreuse eyes, astonishing breasts and long, smooth legs, she was beautiful. A better word to describe her would have been foxy... and the exact opposite of a bitch. Her love and respect for others actually rivaled her beauty.

She had been watching Spike with a beautiful smile when he said, “You know, back in the seventeen hundreds a man could miss a stagecoach and wait two weeks for the next one with no sweat—now a man burns when he can’t even get the first space in a revolving door.”

She chuckled. “I know. Anything goes wrong now, from athlete’s foot to knocking up his girlfriend, and he blames it on anything but himself. So, you’re the famous Mister Drake that I’ve heard so much about?”

“Please, Mister Drake was my father. Call me Spike,”

“Okay, Spike,” she replied as she held out her hand to him. “Being called Mister Drake probably makes you feel the way I do when I’m called ma’am. I’m Stellar Flare.”

Spike noticed from looking at Stellar Flare’s fingernails that she had gotten the mega manicure. She was now getting a foot massage while her nails dried. He carefully reached out and held her hand above his. And when he did, he caught a glimpse of a gold wedding ring.

“I assume there is a Mister Flare?” he inquired.

“I’m afraid there isn’t,” Stellar admitted. “There hasn’t been for quite some time now.”

“You’re divorced?” Spike ventured a guess.

“I’m a widow,” she corrected him. “Twice, in fact.”

“Oh!” Spike gasped. “I’m so sorry. I thought with so many people--divorce being the new norm, I assumed--”

“I understand,” Stellar Flare said softly. “Are your parents divorced? Or worse, are you?”

“Me? No. And as for my parents, I’m an orphan,” he answered. “Or at least I was until Celestia Soleil adopted me. My father died on the job and my mother was murdered shortly after.”

Now it was Stellar’s turn to say sorry, and Spike gave her the same kind smile she had given him.

“Well, I’m glad to have met you, Spike,” she said. “Most men don’t like it when I’m around.”

“Are you serious?” Spike asked. “Sure, we just met but I already think you’re all around rockin’! I actually know a woman who tried to ban the staff bikini contest at tonight’s luau... And I use the word ‘woman’ very loosely.”

“Why would she want to stop the bikini contest?”

“Because she believes they’re ‘sexist’ and ‘chauvinistic’. That’s the only reason she even agreed to enter it: so she can publicly denounce it as such if she wins. If she wins,”

“Having a rockin’ bod is empowering,” Stellar replied, “as long as the lady has a rockin’ brain to go with it. I wish I had a rockin’ bod.”

“Oh, come on, you’re a total M.I.L.--!”

Spike clamped his hands over his mouth to stop himself talking.

“What was that, dear?” Stellar asked.

Spike’s face reddened; he felt like he was on fire.

“You were about to say ‘M.I.L.F. -- A Mom I’d Love to Fuck’,” she smiled.

“You don’t find that offensive?” he asked.

“Not at all,” she replied. “I’m flattered that you think I’m attractive. And frankly, too many people are way too uptight about too many things these days, that being one of them. Hey, would you like to join me for dinner tonight at the luau, my treat?”

“We just met and she’s already asking me out to dinner?” Spike thought. “Wait ‘my treat’? As in, she’ll buy? Well, I can’t say no to free food...”

So Spike, not wanting to be impolite, said, “I am starving! I haven’t had a decent meal for weeks!”

His stomach growled in agreement.

“It’s a date then,” she smiled again.

Stellar Flare saw Sunburst out of the corner of his eye, talking to Vera, making sure everything was running smoothly, and smiled even bigger.

“I am so proud of my boy, being left in charge of the resort,” she said.

“Wait, you’re Sunburst’s mom?” Spike asked (as if he didn’t already know).

“And Sunset’s,” she added.

Spike didn’t know that. He gasped, and not just from that new information. He looked down at Lotus Blossom, who was still massaging his feet, and he started grunting in pleasure.

“Are you all right?” Stellar asked.

Lotus Blossom wondered the same thing.

“No! Don’t stop!” Spike told Lotus Blossom. “Keep going! Keep going! Oh... Ooh... Oooh... Oh yeah, right there... Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yesyesyes, YES! YES!! YES!! Ooooohhh...”

Spike’s moans became louder and louder until he started howling and everyone else in the entire spa, men and women, stared at him.

One of the men said to Vera, “I’ll have two of what he just had, please!”

“Make that four!” said another.

“How much for a lifetime membership, or is that even possible?”

Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Twilight took one of the hotel golf carts to Fremount Street. They arrived at noon and spent the next three hours checking out the shops and trying on clothes, all while trying to find the perfect swimsuits for the bikini competition later that night.

“Oh! This is really, really, really cute,” Twilight said as she held up a tiny red two-piece. “Can I get this in a large top and small bottom?”

Then she freaked out when she looked at the clock on her cell phone and saw that it was 3:25.

“I thought I told you to watch the clock!” she told Rainbow Dash.

“Don’t be mad at me!” Dash replied. “I’m not the one who spent almost two hours trying to decide between two tops!”

“Fine, we’ve got 35 minutes to buy some cupcakes and get back to the hotel!” Twilight exclaimed. “Let’s go!”

Pinkie led them to a tiny bake shop with a pink door that was tucked away between two stores. Dash tried the door, but it wouldn’t budge.

“It’s closed!” she exclaimed.

“Not for long,” Pinkie said as she pulled a ring of keys out of her pocket and inserted one into the lock.

“Wait, how do you have a key to this place?” Rainbow Dash asked her.

“I used to work here,” she replied.

“You worked here?” Dash asked.

“Part-time,” Pinkie replied.

“Did you get free sweets?”

“Where do you think these sweet buns came from?” Pinkie asked as she swayed her booty back and forth.

“Nice! Righteous gig, girl!” Dash said.

Pinkie opened the door and she unlocked the cash register to pay while Twilight and Dash filled a basket with an assortment of muffins: one cinnamon sugar, one coconut, one banana chocolate, and one regular chocolate (for Spike).

While Pinkie, Dash and Twilight were filling up their basket full of goodies, Applejack was trying to work up the confidence to ask out Spike.

“Come on, Applejack. You can do this. Girls ask guys out all the time,” she said to herself. “I’m cute enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, it’s no big deal. I’m just a girl, and Spike’s just a guy... with a totally jacked bod.”

And speaking of Spike’s totally jacked bod, that’s what she saw when she saw him walking with Sunset and Stellar Flare... out of the hotel doctor’s office.

Spike was ecstatic when Sunset asked him if he ever raced on a motocross track before. He had, but it had been a long time since he’d ridden such a powerful bike. Finally, he had a chance to show off his skills.

Spike came around the corner on the last lap, doing sixty miles an hour as he shot into the air. He adjusted the throttle, tapped the brake and somersaulted fifteen feet up. The front tire hit the ground first when Spike came back down and he was airborne. He tumbled, and then rolled until he hit the wall. The helmet he was wearing didn’t split, but its visor shattered. The pain was instantaneous, but it lasted only a minute, and Sunset and Stellar were by his side in an instant with tears streaming down their beautiful cheeks.

“Spike, can you hear me?” Sunset cried. “Spike, talk to me!”

“Sunset, are you okay?” he asked, as if she was the one who got hurt.

Sunset and Stellar wiped the tears from their eyes. They were trying to smile, but they were still too overwhelmed with the initial shock of his crash. He had no broken bones, not even bruises.

He walked off of the course feeling extremely lucky.

But they still took him to the hotel doctor to make sure he hadn’t sustained any internal injuries, and everything checked out.

“Sick session, Spike,” Sunset said. “That was one dirty 360 you pulled.”

“Yeah, but after that wipeout I’ll be sneezing dirt for the rest of the month,” he replied. “I’m just glad you were there to make sure I was all right,” he told her and Stellar Flare.

Sunset and Stellar smiled as Spike gave them a quick look of pained regret with a promise of a future meeting. Zephyr Breeze walked up to Spike as the two women left, and Zephyr noticed him watching their butts the whole way.

“Really, Spike?” Zeph asked. “You’re checking out Sunset and her mom?”

“When I squint, I try and imagine what Stellar looked like when she was Sunset’s age,” Spike replied.

Zephyr tried it and said, “Try going back to when she just turned eighteen.”

They both reeled back and went, “Daaaaayumn!”

Then Spike turned with all his charm to Applejack. She was about to ask him out when he asked if she wanted to go to the luau with him later that night. Thrilled by Spike’s invitation, Applejack felt like she was walking on clouds.

She gasped and said, “Sure. Okay.”

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash weaved through traffic...

“If I’m late, I’m looking at a strike!” Twilight exclaimed. “Can this thing go any faster?”

Rainbow Dash did as she was told. She put her foot on the accelerator and the golf cart surged forward.

“Rainbow Dash, slow down!” Twilight screamed.

“You said, ‘go faster!’” Dash replied.

“You’ll smush Spike’s puffcake!” she said as she cradled it in her hands.

“Bringing back a sweet thing for your sweet thang?” Pinkie teased.

“What? Me and Spike? Ewww, no!” Twilight gagged.

“Why not?” Dash asked. “He’s got nice teeth, gentle eyes, remarkably well-sculpted abs... Not to mention he’s hung like a stallion... He’s a total stud muffin.”

“Bear!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Okay, he’s a little hairy,” Dash admitted, “but it’s mostly on his chest.”

“No! A bear!” Twilight shouted.

It was straight stretch of road with not much traffic, but several circus acts, including the trained animals, were crossing the street a block ahead of them. One of the bears caught the scent of the muffins, got free of its handlers, and proceeded to chase after them.

“He’s after our puffcakes!” Twilight exclaimed.

“He’s not getting mine!” Dash shouted.

“These’ll distract him!” Pinkie cried.

She threw her basket of puffcakes at the bear and it ate them in one gulp.

“Pinkie, you just made him even hungrier!” Twilight shouted.

Rainbow Dash weaved through alleys and down side streets until they finally got away from the bear.

“You did it, Dash!” Twilight shouted. “We’re safe!”

Dash checked the rear-view mirror. They had escaped, only for the golf cart to sharply turn and swerve off its course. There was a tortured scream of rubber from the tires and a horrible tearing of metal as the golf cart went over the curb, hit a taxi broadside, bounced off it and smashed into a streetlight. Twilight rolled out of the golf cart, Spike’s puffcake in one hand and her cell phone in the other.

“That was close,” she said. “I almost lost a piece of chocolate.”

She got to her feet, turned back to look at Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, and saw that they had lost their shorts and bikinis.

“Pinkie, Rainbow Dash! You’re naked!” she cried.

“We’re not the only ones,” Pinkie replied.

Twilight draped one arm across her breasts and covered her muffin with the chocolate puffcake as she blushed deep red. Somehow, in all the chaos, the zippers on their shorts must have split and the strings on their bikinis had come undone, was all she could figure.

The girls squinted as they looked back down the narrow street. They found themselves in the part of Las Pegasus the tourists and guidebooks never heard about: a spider web of winding alleys, boarded-up storefronts, decrepit tenement buildings, and dead ends.

Pinkie bent down to pick up something that was lying in the middle of the deserted side street.

“‘CHAOTIC,’” she said. “That’s weird. This golf cart has the exact same unnecessary vanity license plate as Discord’s. What are the odds?”

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said, “please tell me you didn’t borrow Discord’s. Personal. Golf Cart?!”

“They all look the same to me,” she replied.

They looked at the vehicle in question. The fender was hanging off, and the windshield was shattered. It was a miracle that, aside from losing their clothes, the girls weren’t hurt.

“We totaled Discord’s cart,” Twilight said.

“Naw, it’s just a little fender bender,” Dash replied.

“This was his prized possession!” Twilight shouted. “It just got delivered last night.”

“I know,” Pinkie said. “He made me throw a party for it.”

“We are so dead!” Twilight cried. “I’ve got to call Rarity!”

“So, she saved the cupcake and her cell phone, but not her clothes?” Pinkie thought out loud. “That girl seriously needs to get her priorities straight.”

Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement, and she and Pinkie tried to find something to cover up with.

“Thank you for calling Flimflam Brothers’--”

“Rarity, we got lost!” Twilight shouted. “There was a bear, we crashed Discord’s golf cart, we lost our clothes, and help!!”

“Okay, calm down, darling. I’m sending help,” Rarity said. “Fluttershy, take three sets of clothes and go find Twilight, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash! Follow the GPS in Discord’s cart, and hurry!”

“But what about my shift?” Twilight continued to shout.

Applejack, who had been standing by the counter, talking to Rarity, heard.

“Relax, Spike and I will cover for ya,” she told her.

“Really? You will?” Twilight asked.

“Sure. I’d do anything for Spike,” Applejack replied.

“Thanks, Applejack!” Twilight said. “Oh, and could you tell Spike I’ve got his chocolate cupcake and I’m on my way?”

“Yeah... Sure thing...”

Rarity hung up and Applejack went off in search of Spike. She found him in the staff locker room, naked from the waist up.

“Spike, do me a solid and pick up Twilight’s shift until she gets back?”

“Whatever. It’s not like she was going to do it anyway, right? We’re still on for the luau tonight?” he asked. “I got you a lei. I know it’s cheesy, but you’d look good in anything.”

Applejack giggled as Spike placed it around her neck.

The night air was heavy with the sound of drums, lightened by the flicker of tiki torches, and the scents of roasted pig and fruity cocktails in coconut-bowl cups. The courtyard behind the resort had been strung with glittering lights and the snack bar by the outdoor pools had been set up to look like a tiki bar. Applejack, scantily clad in her dark blue bikini, a leafy crown with matching bracelets and anklets, a grass skirt that hung just below her knees, a pink flower in her hair, and the lei Spike had given her, danced across the stage while Bulk Biceps and one of the other bellboys, a blue haired, blue eyed guy named Party Favor, beat on drums.

“Who scheduled Twilight for hula girl duty?” Applejack asked herself. “Oh, right, Discord.”

“Wooo-hoo! All right! Go, Applejack!” Sunset shouted.

“There better be a cupcake in this for me,” AJ muttered to herself.

Sunburst rubbed his sweaty palms down the sides of his untucked, bright red Hawaiian shirt as flames shot up from the barbecue pits and torch lamps. Then his jaw dropped when his mother showed up wearing the smallest bikini ever -- it was like three aquamarine postage stamps held together with fishing line -- with her arm around Spike, who was in his purple board shorts and shirtless.

“Sunburst, have you met my new boyfriend?” Stellar asked as she rested her head against Spike’s shoulder.

“It’s the Big Kahuna himself!” Cheese Sandwich proclaimed.

“What is wrong with you?” Sunburst whispered as he pulled Spike aside. “I told you to keep her busy, not get busy.”

“Calm down,” Spike replied. “Your mom and I aren’t dating; she just invited me to have dinner with you guys. That’s all.”

“I’m so happy to have my two favorite boys together for dinner,” Stellar Flare said as she slipped her arms through theirs.

“See?” Spike asked Sunburst.

Sugar Belle, dressed as a hula girl, bowed at the waist before offering them two bowls of poi.

“Apple or cherry?” she asked.

Spike looked at the bowls quizzically and noticed that there were no utensils to serve the poi with.

Stellar Flare said, “You eat it with your fingers, like this.”

She dipped two of her fingers into the apple poi and simply ate it off them. Spike tried to copy her and ended up with some poi on his chin, which Stellar wiped away with her own fingers and ate.

“No Mother of mine is going to be dating someone younger than me!” Sunburst thought. “I have to put a stop to this!”

Cheese Sandwich picked up a microphone after Applejack finished her hula dance and the crowd clapped.

“Thank you, thank you,” he said. “Now, before we dig into some tasty pineapple pig, who’s up for a little hula competition?”

Spike volunteered as he stepped up and joined Applejack on the stage. He clapped his hands together over his head before extending his arms to his sides and swaying his hips side to side.

“You call that dancing?” someone shouted.

Slightly perturbed by the outburst, Spike grabbed a pair of wooden torches roughly two meters long, lit both ends on fire, and started dancing with them.

“YEEEAAAHHH!” he yelled.

He twirled the firesticks around, tossed one into the air, and caught it behind his back. The drums quickened as Spike spun the torches faster. He then held both torches in one hand, grabbed a drink from one of the passing waitresses, filled his mouth with the liquid and spat it into the fire, causing the flames to shoot high into the air above him.

The audience gasped and applauded as Spike took a bow.

“Whoa,” Sunset said. “I don’t know whether to be impressed or disturbed.”

Spike looked at Applejack after he finished his routine. The first thing he noticed was the smile on her face. Then the lei draped between her breasts. Finally, he looked at her feet and saw that the flower had fallen from her hair. He knelt down to pick it up, and when he stood up straight he returned it to its original place, just behind her ear.

“Thank you, Spike,” she said quietly.

“You’re welcome,” he replied, smiling.

“Listen,” she said. “I was wondering if you’re not doing anything this--”

“Oh, great,” Rarity groaned. “Now the pig’s overcooked!”

“No, we can salvage this,” said Stellar Flare.

Sunburst finally had all that he could take and he lost it.

“That is it!” he shouted. “Mom, you’re driving me crazy! You’re embarrassing me and you’re embarrassing yourself, dating a guy who’s younger than I am!”

Stellar Flare ran off in tears and Spike and Sunset glared at Sunburst.

“That was really mean,” Sunset told her half-brother.

“Dude, your mom rocks,” Spike added, “and if you can’t see that, then I feel sorry for you!”

And he and Sunset went after Stellar Flare.

Rarity groaned again, wondering where Twilight, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were.

“Where are they?” she asked herself.

Moonlight glistened down on Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie as they shuddered; trying to keep themselves covered with discarded newspapers and metal lids they had stolen off the tops of trash cans.

“F-F-Fluttershy should have found us hours ago,” Rainbow Dash said.

“And n-nobody’s p-picking up at the h-hotel,” Twilight added.

“At least we’ve got food,” Pinkie said, eyeing Spike’s chocolate cupcake.

“No! Not this one!” Twilight shouted.

“So hungry...” Dash said. “So thirsty...”

“Water!” Pinkie exclaimed.

She and Dash fell to their knees and started drinking out of a puddle in the middle of the alleyway.

“No!” Twilight cried. “Don’t drink that!”

Too late.

The two women slowly stood up and when they did, their eyes went bloodshot and they started foaming at the mouth.

“So hungry,” Pinkie moaned.

“And she’s hoarding all our food!” Dash added.

“Oh, no! Cupcake fever!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Give us the cupcake!” Pinkie and Dash growled.

“Never!” Twilight cried.

And she took off running.

“Cupcakes! Cupcakes!”

Twilight tried to outrun them, but they cut her off at every turn until they had her cornered.

“Gotcha!” Dash snarled. “Now hand over that cupcake!”

“No!”

Twilight gulped when she turned and realized that she wasn’t backed up against a wall, but a bear. It was the same bear from before. And they knew it was the same one because it was wearing its little circus hat.

“AAAAAAHHH!” Twilight screamed.

The bear roared, snapping Pinkie and Dash out of their madness, and then Fluttershy appeared. She soared at the bear and knocked it to the ground with a back-breaking flying kick. Fluttershy then grabbed the bear by one of its hind legs and pulled it hard. Then she stomped on the creature’s back. Finally, she grabbed the bear by its neck and twisted it with a violent snap, rendering it unconscious.

“Are you girls okay?” she asked.

“Fluttershy!” they cried.

And she wasn’t alone. She was leading the troupe of circus performers and animal handlers who had been looking for the missing bear since the afternoon.

Fluttershy gave Twilight, Pinkie and Dash the clothes she had brought with her and led them back to the Resort.

“Finally!” Applejack exclaimed. “I almost had to take your spots in the staff bikini contest.”

“You got me a cupcake?” Zephyr Breeze asked. “Thank you!” he said as he snatched the pastry from Twilight’s hands and shoved it into his mouth.

Later, in the staff locker room, Rainbow Dash was arguing with Twilight while they and Pinkie Pie changed into better clothes.

“I have never been so humiliated in my life,” Rainbow Dash said angrily, “running around Las Pegasus butt naked, thanks to you!”

“Me?” Twilight replied.

“Yes, you! You wanted help, so I helped you. I would have gotten us back here in one piece if you hadn’t messed it up,”

“Stop,” Twilight stated. “I’m sick of your bullshit!”

“I’m sick of you! I’m not the one who’s going out of her way trying to impress some guy that she’s got no business trying to impress!” Dash replied. “You. Are. Pathetic. Pitiful! When are you going to realize, and accept the fact, that Spike is obviously not interested in you? I may be just a dim Wonderbolt Academy graduate and you’re a snob, but I can tell that you don’t really like Spike. And you know why I believe you don’t like him? He’s everything you’re not! He’s everything you could ever hope to be, but never can be, and never will be!”

Twilight didn’t reply. She just flicked another glance at the woman across the locker room from her, and then turned her attention to her clothes.

“Ever since he arrived, you have done nothing but gripe!” Dash went on. “Just look at yourself! You’re always tired and dirty, you never go anywhere, and you don’t have fun. Answer me, when was the last time you had fun? I mean some real fun? When’s the last time you took a night off, had a date, anything like that?”

“I have plenty of dates,” Twilight grunted.

“When?” Dash challenged her. “When was the last time you had a date? Huh? Let’s hear it, Sparkle! The Year of the Horse?”

The two glared at each other for a moment. Then Twilight stormed out, slamming the door behind her, leaving Rainbow Dash and Pinkie half dressed.

Twilight pressed the left side of her head in a spasmodic clutch while her face grayed. She wrestled with the pain that had stabbed her and finally fought her way back to her feet. She clung to the wall and reached into a side pocket of her jacket and pulled out a bottle of pills. She popped a few and then waited for the pain to pass, and when it did she drew the back of her hand across her forehead.

Ulrimately, Twilight didn’t win the bikini contest because of a facial tic that she had difficulty controlling... and Fluttershy won.

“And I didn’t even get to patch things up with Spike,” Twilight said.

The next morning, Sunburst walked into the Sweet Snacks Café and saw Spike talking to Stellar Flare. He waited until they were done talking before he approached their booth.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” Spike told her. “I mean, I’m young enough to be your son. Tartarus, I’m friends with your son. It would be just too weird.”

“I know, and I’m sorry if I led you on,” Stellar replied. “But I do want to thank you for last night. It’s just been so long since Sunset’s and Sunburst’s fathers both died, and it was the most fun I’ve had in years.”

“You’re welcome,” Spike smiled.

“Hey, Sunset and I are going to go to Fremount Street later today,” she said. “If you want, you can come and watch us try on bikinis.”

Spike went red.

“Just kidding,” Stellar laughed. “But seriously, if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to come to me. I’ve always got your back.”

“Thank you,” Spike smiled again. He looked up and saw Sunburst standing by the table. “Do you have anything you would like to say?”

Sunburst sighed as he slid into the booth next to Spike.

“Mom, I’m really sorry I got upset, but I had to tell you how I feel,” he said.

“I know, honey, Stellar Flare replied. “And I see that my little boy is growing up. I mean, the Brothers wouldn’t have left you in charge of the whole resort for a weekend if they didn’t think you could handle it. And between you and me, they were right. You’re a young man now. You are responsible, successful, and you need your space.”

She and Sunburst reached across the booth and Spike smiled as they hugged. Then he saw Celestia walk into the Café. He excused himself and went to join her.

“There you are!” she said. “I’ve been looking for you! You disappeared last night after the luau.”

“I was with someone who made me realize that I haven’t been spending any time with you lately,” he explained.

“Spike, that’s okay--”

“No, it’s not okay!” he cut her off. “I’m sorry, Mom, but we’re family and we are on vacation, and we are going to have a great time. Together!”

Celestia smiled. “You’re right, Spike. I’ve spent more than enough time in meetings. It’s time I took a day off from business and had some fun!”

“And don’t worry, I won’t make us wear matching tacky Hawaiian shirts like Aunt Luna,” Spike promised her.

Sunburst stood on the curb Sunday evening as Discord, Firelight, and the Flimflam Brothers returned from Vanhoover.

“How was the trip?” Sunburst asked.

“Ugh, a total drag,” Discord said. “Nothing I didn’t already know... Look at this place! It’s so spick-and-span... Did people like the giant vibrating banana?”

“It was a huge hit,” Sunburst lied. “Huge!”

“I knew it!” Discord chuckled. “Good work, Sunburst.”

He was so impressed that he told Sunburst that he could be in charge every time he and the other bosses left town... but Sunburst didn’t agree to it, which Discord amiably accepted.

Next time: Spike continues to bond with the ladies while Zephyr Breeze and Tree Hugger leave out pot-laced cupcakes and an unaware Discord eats one.