Celestial Crush

by CategoricalGrant

Chapter 1: Celestial Crush

Suddenly, there is a series of loud knocks on your door.

Still mostly asleep in bed, you reflexively recoil under your comforter, protecting yourself as best as you can from both the early morning sunlight and the obnoxiously loud knocking, which is soon joined by an equally irritating cheery voice.

“Rise and shine, my sunshine!” Princess Celestia calls.

You hear the door squeak open as she sneaks her muzzle into your room. “C’mon, sleepyhead!”

Groaning loudly, you curl up even further. “Ergh...it’s too early,” you mumble.

“Can’t you get up? I want you to come with me to day court!”

You scowl under your covers. “Maybe another day.”

She whines softly. “B-but you promised!”

“I promised I would come with you once,” you reply tiredly. “I didn’t say I’d come today. I need a little warning first.”

She whines again, but the tone is different this time. “Alright…” she trots into the room, her hoofsteps stopping by your bed.

The tinkling sound of Princess Celestia’s magic is heard as she floats a large object over and places it on your bed.

“Will you at least eat this breakfast-in-bed that I made especially for you?”

You peek out from under your covers. You observe a large, ornate, golden tray designed for just the purpose of breakfast-in-bed placed above you. Princess Celestia is also leaning over the tray towards you with a beaming smile.

You realize she’s standing on your mattress. Properly frazzled by the knowledge, you sit up quickly and direct your gaze onto the food she’s prepared for you: a delectable spread of perfectly cooked french toast, tofu sausage, fresh fruit, and what appears to be a mimosa, complete with a nearby bottle of champagne on ice.

“Alright,” you relent, your tummy rumbling at the sight of the buffet.

“Great!” Celestia says, beaming at you. She clops her hooves together in joy. “Do you mind if I join you in bed to eat!?”

You’re still a little groggy from your slumber, but nonetheless you realize the logical flaw in her question and narrow your eyes. “Don’t you have to go to morning court...like you just talked about?”

Princess Celestia’s expression immediately fell, as did her ears. “Oh...I suppose you’re right.” Gingerly, she steps off of your bed and onto the ground, sending you bouncing as your mattress adjusts. Her head hanging low, Celestia mopes her way over to the door and casts a longing glance back at you. “Will you at least come have lunch with me today?”

“Absolutely,” you say, waving her off. “Go do your Princess work and I’ll see you then!”

The princess seems to perk up. “Alright! Until then!”

As your door shuts, you sigh and crack your neck. “I’ll never understand morning ponies...Now, about this spread…”

A few hours later, you push open the doors to the royal cafeteria and stroll inside.

Seated at the head of the table is Princess Celestia. Her eyes immediately widen when you walk in, and she quickly stands up, chewing vigorously as she tries to clear her mouth of food. “Hello, my little sunshine!” she cries a little too loud. “I was starting to think you wouldn’t come!”

“Sorry I’m late,” you reply. “Toilet clogged. Huge issue.” You take a seat next to Princess Celestia, who seems to be wiggling with excitement.

“Here,” she says, pushing a plate in front of you. “I fixed you a plate of all your favorites!”

You eye the plate carefully for several seconds as you count in your head. “Wow. That is indeed literally every one of my favorite foods.” You look up at Celestia and smile. “Thanks so much, Princess!”

“You are so welcome,” she replies, scooting her ornate chair over closer to you. “I actually had a really great idea today, and I’d love to get your opinion on it.”

“Sure thing,” you say with a shrug, your mouth already half-full.

“Well, I was thinking that since I’m a Princess, it’d be a prudent measure to have a check on my power in the form of another regent who isn’t blood-related. Maybe, I don’t know...a Prince... or something.”

You spit out your food and immediately slam your hands down hard on the table. “Don’t you dare give me that, Princess!”

Startled, Celestia recoils and places a hoof on her barrel in surprise. “Wh-whatever do you mean!?”

You glare at her intensely for a few moments and slowly point a finger at her. “Princess Celestia...You are a strong, independent horse-lady that don’t need no horse-man! Capiche?”

“W-well he wouldn’t have to be a pony!” she quickly retorts, stumbling for a response. “In fact, i-it might be better if he wasn’t! For, you know, uh...diversity!”

That don’t need no horse-man,” you repeat threateningly, slowly lowering your pointer finger. “Now if I hear anymore of this rubbish about you marrying some stallion and giving up half of your power to him, I will be very unhappy!”

Princess Celestia’s lower lip quivers and her ears flop down and hold tightly to the sides of her head. “...O-okay.”

“You are too kind, wise, fair, and beautiful to be entertaining giving up even a drop of your influence,” you tack on casually, picking up your smorgasbord and heading for the door. “Thank you for lunch, but if you’ll please excuse me, I’m late for my afternoon loitering session at the guard barracks.”

As you leave the room you hear a tittering set of joyous, feminine giggles.

“Odd,” you remark to no one in particular as you begin to walk down the hall.

Turning the corner, you glide past a series of service corridors.


You stop in your tracks. “I don’t like the fact that I am hearing strange sounds today….”

“Psst! You!”

“Reveal yourself now, spirit!” you cry raucously. “I do not have time to be haunted by ghosts, I have a very strict loitering schedule to keep!”

“I’m not a ghost! Just get out of the main hallway and head over here, I want to talk to you!”

You turn ninety degrees to face an almost pitch-black service hallway, the first few feet visible only due to the presence of a single, flickering candle on a table.

You purse your lips as you analyze the scenario. “Are you sure you’re not a ghost? This is a very ghost-y place to arrange a meeting.”

“I am not a ghost, and unless you want a taste of my shoe you will get over here.”

“A fashionable ghost, then,” you mutter quietly to yourself. “How do I know that my rival breakdancing crew from earth didn’t follow me here!? Is this a breakdance feud murder ambush, or worse, a breakdance feud dance-off ambush?”

A shimmering blue light surrounds you and you are yanked into the hallway. You let out a screech of fear but relax when you get close enough to make out your assailant.

“Oh, hey Princess Luna,” you greet. “I thought you were a ghost.”

She returns your greeting with a bemused glare. “I am well aware of what you thought.”

“What are you still doing up? It’s like 1:30 pm, you should be asleep, right? Gotta rest up for haunting foals’ dreams at night.”

Luna holds up a hoof indignantly. “First of all, it’s not haunting. I don’t haunt.”

You crane your neck around to observe the scenery. “I hope you understand that I must retain some doubt as to that claim.”

“And second, I can be up any time I want,” Princess Luna declares. “I subvert expectations. I lurk angstily through the hallways at all hours. I am a rebel!

Super adorable pajamas,” you say with a smile, able to make out smiling cats and laughing crescent moons on Luna’s dark blue onesie. “Holy nuts, does that have a hood? Where did you buy that?”

Luna ignores your question. “I called you over here for a reason, but your staggering ineptitude has caused me to forget what I was going to say…” She scratches her muzzle with a hoof. “Oh! That’s right- I have information that might be of great use to you.”

“Alright, let’s hear it then.”

Luna holds out a hoof. “Five bits.”

You cross your arms and frown at her. “That is an exorbitant sum for a tidbit of information.”

“How do you know it is exorbitant?” she counters. “Perhaps it is worth a million bits and I’m giving you a great deal.”

“Fair point. How about you give me the information so I can determine whether or not it is worth giving you five bits to get the information?”

“Celestia has a crush on you. Like, a really bad crush on you.” Luna stands smugly as she awaits your evaluation.


“Where are my bits?” she asks again.

Your whole body vibrates with frustration for a moment. “The information wasn’t worth it. Now, you said she has a crush on me!?”

“Correct,” Luna replies flatly, obviously peeved she wouldn’t receive the paltry sum she requested.

“How do you know?

“It’s obvious. Besides, believe me, sisters tell each other everything.”

You perk up an eyebrow. “Is that so? What were the logistics of that during the last millenium? Did you have a red telephone installed in the Sea of Tranquility?”


“When did this start!?”

“Last month when you showed up in Equestria,” Luna explains. “Apparently, during your first audience with her you called her a ‘pretty pony princess’ and she was just immediately toast. Destroyed. Head-over-hooves. Goodnight, we’ll see you tomorrow. Got the hots. In puppy-dog love. W-”

“I get the idea and listing colloquialisms is not going to make it any less shocking.” You shake your head vigorously for a few seconds as if possessed, just to clear your thoughts. “No, no, no. There’s no way this is right! You must be mistaken.”

“Not a chance. I happen to be an expert on pony-human love.”

“Oh?” you ask. “Why, do you love me?”

“Phhh, hardly,” she scoffs.


“I...uh…” Luna’s eyes flicker quickly back and forth across the interior of the dark hallway as she thinks. “I have...my own human lover. Yeah, he’s named...Dmitri.”

“Is that so?” you ask. “Tell me about Dmitri.”

“Well, he’s really smart, and gives great hugs.”

You regard Luna without moving, displaying clearly that your thirst for information was clearly not saturated. “What does he look like?”

“W-well, as you know, humans come in lots of colors just like ponies,” she scrambles. “He’s, uh, purple, but like, kind of a light purple but without going into the lilac territory. His hair is, um, spiky and orange, and he’s...eight-and-a-half feet tall. And he’s super sexy too, because he’s got lots of muscles, but, ah, he doesn’t have very good calves because he...skips leg day.”

“I should trust everything you have to say on the subject of pony-human relations, then?” you ask, your voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Yes, you should!” Luna protests, stomping a hoof impetuously on the floor. “If you don’t trust me, then at least think back on your interactions with Celestia! Didn’t she say or do anything that tipped you off to the fact she’s into you?”

You scratch your chin as you begin to think.

“Hi Sunshine! Do you want to go out for ice cream, just you and me?”

“C’mon, give me a big hug! What? That was so short! Gimme another!”

“I care for everypony in Equestria, but you have a special place in my heart.”

“Hmmmm,” you hum, beginning to scratch your chin more forcefully.

“Would you like to have a sleepover in my chambers? We can play truth or dare!”

“I got us tickets to the premiere of that new movie you wanted to see. In fact, I rented out the whole theater just for us!”

“Do you not like this dress? I can put on another if you think it makes me look better! I want to make this night special!”

“HMMMMMMMMMM,” you vocalize, moving your hand down slightly to scratch at your neck.

“I need your opinion; how pretty do I look right now?”

“Oh, no, if only there was somepony around to help rub this sunscreen on my back...preferably somepony with motile digits...Woe is me…”

“This is a little bit of an odd question, but can you help me practice my kissing?”

“HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM,” you groan at the ceiling in a trance.

“Hey! HEY!” Luna calls, jolting you out of your altered state of consciousness.

“Whaaaa?” You blink a few times.

“So?” Luna asks impatiently. “Did Celestia drop any hints to you?”

Your eyes narrow as you quickly replay all the scenarios once more in your mind’s eye. “...Not as far as I know…” you muse, beginning to scratch your chin again.

You gasp suddenly as another incident comes to the forefront of your thoughts.

“Hey, uh, you want the rest of this soda? I’m just gonna throw it out otherwise.”

“Oh. My. Gosh. Luna, I think you might be right. Celestia is in love with me.”

You slip your sunglasses on over your eyes as you waltz past the guards protecting the entryway to Celestia’s chambers. Popping the collar on your shirt up, you knock her door in a particularly cool fashion.

“Just a moment,” a tired groan responds. A few seconds later, a disheveled Celestia tiredly pokes her head through the doors. “Can I he-ahh!” Immediately, she shuts them again. “J-just a second! I have to, uh, do something urgently!”

“Hey,” you call, adjusting your sunglasses. “It’s cool.”

A few minutes later, Celestia opens the doors with her magic. She’s wearing eyeliner and blush, appears to have crimped her mane, and is sporting an elegant red dress. “Why hello,” she greets, attempting to smile sensually. “I wasn’t expecting you. I’m sorry for my dismal appearance, I was just about to go to bed.” Her breathing shakes as she takes in your new, cool-man ensemble.

You jerk your head upward briefly in a very cool greeting. “Those plans are out the window, Babe.”

Princess Celestia sucks in a breath. “B-babe!?”

“That’s right Babe, I’m cooler and more dashing than ever before, and we’re going to have a wonderful night, because you’re mine.” You look over your shoulder to confirm that the guards are out of earshot. “If you’ll allow me to be a bit crude, you’re going to get cuddled like you’ve never been cuddled before tonight.”

It’s difficult to read Celestia’s blank expression. Her horn lights up as her magic slowly pushes you inside of her room, and a moment later the doors close with an audible smack.

The light of the full moon bathes you and Celestia in a soft glow as you hold her close in your sleep. Both your clothes and her dress were disheveled from your wholesome snuggling activities, and you both wore broad smiles on your faces.

From outside on Celestia’s balcony, Princess Luna peers inside, and smiles herself. “I missed out on the bits, but I did a good thing for both of them,” she whispers to herself, crouching as she prepares to take off.

“Wait!” a voice calls, freezing Luna in place.

“...I-is that-”

A single hand grabs the balcony, and an eight-and-a-half foot tall purple man with spiky orange hair slowly clambers over the railing. “I am sorry I took so long, my love, but as you know I have weak calves and stairs are not my strong suit.”

“Dmitri!” she gasps. “What are you doing here!? It’s forbidden! I thought we agreed to only meet under the cover of twilight in the Grove of the Fourteen Fairy Queens!”

“I couldn’t stay away from you, my love,” the incredibly ripped and colorful man with weak legs soothed, reaching out to run a hand through Luna’s mane.

“Oh, Dmitri…” Luna shivers.

“And now, to hug you.”

Luna melts into the arms of her lover, sighing. “You give great hugs...”

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