“Are you sure you’re prepared for this?” asked Dusk Shine.

“Aw, don’t be such a wuss,” said Spike. “You already tried it on twelve practice dummies!”

“Fine, here it goes.” Dusk Shine’s horn glowed, and with a zap, Spike’s lip exploded into bushy facial hair.

“Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh!” the baby dragon said enthusiastically, looking at himself in the mirror. “Rarity is sure ask me out now!”

“Spike you know I’m as much of a fan of mustaches as much as the next guy,” his surrogate brother informed, rolling his eyes, “But don’t think Rarity’s gonna fall for you over your new look.”

“You’re just jealous,” argued Spike.

“Spike, trust me. Even if you got her to be your girlfriend because of this, it would just be because of some cheap gimmick, and that would be unethical.”

“Is ‘unethicwhatever’ supposed to be another word for ‘jelly?’ Because you just know you want a little lip-beard for yourself.”

Dusk paused for a second. “Okay, a little,” he admitted. “But my point still stands.” Spike was unmoved.

“Fifty bits says Rarity is putty in my hands by the end of the day,” he proclaimed.

“I pay your allowance every week,” replied the unicorn, mentally face-hoofing, “and I know for a fact that you don’t have that kind of money.”

“That’s how confident I am!” his number-one assistant said.

“No deal.”

“Thirty-five bits?”

“Dude, I do not feel comfortable taking money from children, especially if it’s you. Plus, it’s unnatural for someone you age to have facial hair, much less your species. Retiles don’t even grow hair!”

“Twenty bits.”

“…Done. Let’s go see Rarity.”

Dusk Shine and Spike rode through Ponyville, bickering of mustaches and how attractive they are when they were rudely interrupted by two colts bashing into their way.

“Snips! Snails! What in the name of puppy dog’s tails are you doing?” Spike yelled, picking himself up. “Running around like that is sure to ruin a handsome dragon’s mustache!”

Snips sprung to his hooves. “Dude, you have MUSTACHE? Is it real? Can I touch it? How’d you get so lucky?”

The number-one assistant’s chest swelled with pride. “My totally awesome brother used is magic unicorn voodoo to grow me one! (And no, you can’t touch it. Ew.)”

“Well, your brother can’t be awesome as the newest unicorn in town,” retorted Snails.

“What new unicorn?” asked Dusk.

“The new showmare that’s showing herself off in town square,” informed the skinny slow-witted colt. “If you’re quick, you might catch her next performance. It was so cool my wee-wee got all stiff and stuff!”

Dusk blubbered with the words of his next sentence. “I d-d-don’t think you should be discussing those thing in public, Snails. In fact, you better have a talk with your parents about it if your body’s doing these things this early. Also, I strongly suggest that you don’t see that kind of showmare anymore until you’re older, okay?”

“You can’t boss around Snails like that!” said Snips. “That’s my job!”

“Yeah!” said his companion. “Snips is totally the boss of… hey!” As the two colts went into a heated argument, Dusk Shine walked away.

“I’m going to have a few words with this ‘showmare,’” he said more to himself than he did to Spike. “She should really learn to keep it in the club!”

Eventually, he got to town square. A crowd of ponies gathered around with him. What’s with all the audience? he thought. Should they have the show inside so they can actually make money?

That isn’t important, he debated with himself. I’m here to right a great injustice to society! You know what? I’m not even going to wait for the end of the show. This ends now! “Stay here Spike, I’ll be back in a minute.”

He stormed backstage, where a dozen fireworks and a collection of neon lighting were kept. Among the flashy props, a door marked with a star that read: “THE G.A.P.T.” stood proud. He flung open the door with frustration.

“What are you doing back here?” barked a blue unicorn mare with a snow-white mane that had a complementary icy blue tinge. “This is staff members only, and no autographs, Trixie merchandise, marriage proposals, or praising my name to the heavens until the show!”

“I’m sorry, Miss,” said Dusk politely. “But I cannot allow you to perform in Ponyville anymore.”

“Oh no,” said the mare with dawning horror, “You aren’t one of those debt collectors from Buckingtown, are you? Please, I don’t know the incredibly beautiful and intelligent unicorn you’re looking for, but it’s not me! Even if it was me, I paid all your money, I swear! I didn’t even touch those pinecones!”

“What the hoof are you talking about?” he asked. “I don’t even know where Buckingtown is.”

“Oh,” she said, “Then forget what I just told you, or they’ll be after you too.”

“Annnywaaaayy…” he continued. “You better stop stripping publicly in this town, I’m warning you!” he scolded like a grade-school teacher giving a time-out. The “public stripper” burst out laghing.

“PPTHHHAHAHAHAHA!” she snorted like a pig. Dusk was feeling little confused and a lot more unsure. “*whew*And to think Trixie saw you as an actual threat. Tell me lesser wielder of magic, where did you hear that backwater rumor from? Me, the Great and Powerful Trixie, reducing herself to a common pole dancer? HA!”

He blushed “B-but I thought…”

“Silence!” commanded Trixie. “You have amused Trixie enough. She must prepare for her next show. Out!” With that, she literally kicked his flank out of her dressing trailer/unfoldable stage/caravan/living quarters/RV/fortune-telling stand/Autobot/Decepticon/personal “TARDIS”/occasionally, a bounce house.

A moment a later, her head popped out of the door, a marker levitating by her magic. “Here,” she said. “An autograph, free of charge because of the memory.” With that, she scribbled “Property of Trixie Lulamoon,” on her intruder’s flank and slammed the door in his face.

“So, how was making Ponyville a more family-friendly environment?” inquired Spike.

“Turns out she wasn’t really a stripper, Snails just has weird tastes,” the Element of Magic grumbled. “She also wrote this on my cutie mark, and I can’t rub it off. I think she used permanent marker.”

“Hehe, you’ve got tramp stamp,” giggled Spike.

“By the way,” the purple bookworm noted, “What happened to your mustache? It looks like a tornado hit your face.”

“Well…”

“Hey, Rarity!” called Spike, twirling his new mustache. “Look over here! See what I’ve got!” He was certain that fate was smiling upon him today, for no sooner had Dusk left, Spike had spotted his true love in the masses of other ponies.

“Spike?” Rarity responded, hearing his voice but not seeing him yet. “Is that you, Darling? Where are you? Did my Dusky-wusky let you wander off on your own?”

“I’m right here, babe,” he said smoothly as he ran up and tapped her on the shoulder. (Do ponies have shoulders? Shrug in the comments if you agree.) “Check it out! Do you like my new look?“

“EEEEK!!!!!” shrieked the fashionista. “Spike, you have a horrid black caterpillar on your face! Ewewewewew!!”

“No, Rarity, it’s my new mus-“

“I’ll save you, Spikey-wikey!” she said bravely. “I’ll make it regret the day it was born!”

“Rartiy, don’t! You don’t understand!!”

*STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP!*

“…There, I do believe the beast is slain. No need to thank me, I simply need to go home now wash my hooves of the… bug guts a few hundred times or so."*shiver*

Spike just gargled.

“Why, you’re welcome! You’re such a gentlecolt… dragon. Whichever. Ciao!” The marshmallow darted off, with several “…ewewewew’s…” audible to whomever was listening closely enough.

“You so owe me that twenty bits when we get home,” said Dusk.

“What’s this about bits?” said Rainbow Dash, squeezing from the crowd into a place aside Dusk.

“Dash, what are you doing here?” asked the egghead. “I haven’t seen you since you dragged Derpy to the hospital. Where have you been all this time?”

Rainbow Dash cringed a little. “I don’t like to talk about what happened that day,” she said distantly.

“Why? Was she really that sick?” he asked innocently.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” she insisted.

“Dash, please just talk to me. It can’t be that bad.”

“I’m warning you now, drop it.” she said with every meaning of pure death hidden inside her expression. There was a look in her eye, a look that rivaled the Stare itself, a glare that threatened and dared its victim all in one to just take one step further, say one more word, or simply blink without her say-so, because all of Tartarus will break loose if you do.

“Gotcha,” squeaked Dusk.

“Sorry,” said the daredevil, “I didn’t mean to freak you out.” Just don’t think about Gilda, she ordered herself. Just let it go and forget her. Because you don’t even know where she lives, she’s never coming back, and you’re straight as an arrow anyway. You can’t fix that, you were born that way. Just don’t think about her, and she’ll disappear. “So what's happening here anyway? I heard somepony thinks she’s better than the rest of us at everything or some horseapples like that.”

“What?” said Spike. ”That’s her act? Not much of crowd-pleaser, bragging about how much more talented she is than her audience.”

“I’ve talked with her, and she sounds like a real egomaniac,” said Dusk.

“What’s this ‘bout a pony that has a big hat, but no cattle?” said Applejack, seeing that her friends were in a conversation.

“Some traveling showoff,” answered Dash. “What’s she doing, hogging the entire spotlight? That’s supposed to be my thing.”

“Well, didja meet her in person?” the farmer questioned.

“No…” said the pegasus.

“Didja see her show for yerself?”

“No…” said Spike. “But we do know gossip about her, and that information is as good as any.”

“Ah’m ashamed of y’all!” snapped Applejack. “This is Equestria, the land of love and tolerance! Ah thought that Ponyville was all about acceptance an’ good will! What happened ta th’ ponies who wouldn’t dream of judging a pony by th’ rumors around her?”

“Whoa AJ, cool it,” surrendered Rainbow Dash. “No reason to blow your top. If it pleases you, we’ll see the show, okay?”

“Ladies and Gentlecolts,” a voice blared through several speakers before Applejack could respond. “Beings inferior to Trixie of all ages! Prepare yourselves, for you are about to witness the most mind-blowingly spectacular acts of magic the world has ever seen! Performed by the one… the only… the GRRREAT AND POWERRRRFUL TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIXIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The curtain opened to reveal Trixie, dressed in a large lavender wizard’s hat dawned by multicolored stars, complemented by cape with a similar design. Oddly, the hat completely concealed her horn, making my first impression of her that she was an earth pony, which lead me on that this episode was going to be about how everything magicians do is simply nothing more than smoke & mirrors and it would end about how you shouldn’t put too much faith in your heroes. But I digress.

“Gawk in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie dazzles you with tales of her victories!” she yelled without the aid of the speakers, but with just as much gusto as before. “Behold, for she once took down the dreaded Ursa Major!” The audience gasped.

“An Ursa Major?” spoke Rarity, returned to her friends. “I’ve never heard of anypony who’s done that.”

“Rarity?” said Rainbow Dash. “There you are! You said you were gonna meet me here before the show started, and I even saw your face around, but you just sorta… ran off. What happened?”

“I’d rather not discuss the matter at the moment,” Rarity put vaguely, not wanting to revisit the painful memory of killing the “bug.”

“Oh,” the speedster said understandingly. “I get it. I know the feeling.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie heard a challenger!” Trixie cut in. “Do you doubt Trixie's claims of beating one of the most powerful monsters known to ponykind, narwhal?”

“NARWHAL??” gasped Rarity, shocked at the insult.

“Yes, a narwhal,” the walking ego extravaganza confirmed. “Trixie must say that you resemble one: You’re both pale white, you both have useless horns, but admittedly, you are the one with more blubber.”

“Oh, it. Is. On!” The drama queen said coldly. She marched up to the stage in fashion that resembled a bloodthirsty gorilla attempting to be both delicate and ladylike and shoved an accusing hoof at her hated enemy. “Name your game, sister!” she challenged. “Anytime, anyplace!”

“The place is here, and the time is now,” said Trixie smugly. “Trixie usually lets her challengers pick the conditions of their choosing, for anything you can do, I can do better.”

“Very well,” Rarity agreed with a more regained composure. “We shall determine the victor by who upholds the traditional unicorn ideals.” She levitated some cloth from the curtains along with miscellaneous accessories while giving a speech about said ideals. “A unicorn is must not be all flashy parlor tricks and boasting. She must have the upmost grace and ladylike charm.” With the help of her magic, she rapidly transformed her materials into a ball gown, along with styling her hair into the classic Canterlot beehive. “A unicorn is not a unicorn if she does possess the elegance and wit that outclasses all but the most prestigious of ponies.”

Trixie said nothing, she simply blasted a wicked bolt of magic at the overdressed mare, and admired her handiwork (hornywork?) with a malicious smirk. Rarity noticed the horror of the onlookers and began to fear for her appearance.

“What? What are your all staring at? She did something to my hair, didn’t she? WHAT DID SHE DO TO MY HAIR??”

“N-nothing!” lied Rainbow Dash.

“It’s perfect!” supported Applejack.

“It’s as lovely as ever!” Dusk Shine added.

“What you guys talking about? It looks like a seaweed monster crapped on her head,” Spike critiqued bluntly. Dusk punished him for this by smacking him upside the head.

“Oh nooo!” said Rarity with despair. “She turned my beautiful gift from heaven GREEN? Anything but green! Green is an awful, awful color!” She ran off sobbing, convinced that her social life was over. As she did, another green-maned pony scowled.

“Well, I never,” huffed Carrot Top. “That’s the last time I dye mane for a change!” She trotted off.

“Dusk, remember when Ah said not ta judge a book by its cover with this pony?” said Applejack.

“Yeah…”

“Forget Ah said anythin’,” said the blond mare. “This ‘Trixie’ character needs a good helpin’ of humble pie, Apple-flavored!”

“You also dare to challenge Trixie?” Trixie said as she turned to face Applejack. “Very well, let’s see what you can do, southern belle.”

Applejack grabbed a nearby rope and tied it into a lasso, which she then attached to her tail. She did some gymnastic stunts, such as jumping through the rope both vertically and horizontally, until finally she lassoed an apple from a tree that happened to be nearby and eating it with a single bite as soon as it reached her. “Beat that, ya blue-colored varmint!”

“Trixie laughed at your weak attempt to outdo Trixie,” who-know-who said redundantly. “Watch and learn, farmer.” She lit up her horn, and the rope AJ put down seemingly sprung to life. Like a snake-charmer, she made the serpent-rope rise up into the air as Applejack watched, mystified by the magician’s spell. Abruptly, the rope’s moments quickened from slithering to whip-like speed, hog tying Applejack, much to her shame. Audience laughing, she hopped off the stage, an impressive feat considering she was on her back.

“Enough with your fancy-schmancy magic tricks!” said Rainbow Dash, mentally swearing justice for her humiliated companions. “Let’s see how you compare to a real showoff, one that can back up every word she says, and 20% more so!”

She took off to the local windmill, using it to gain speed by twirling around with it to the point of making any lesser pegasus sick to her stomach. But Rainbow Dash was no lesser pegasus. The flyer catapulted into the air, leaving a rainbow-colored blur behind her. She climbed higher and higher, blasting through clouds along the way and gathering their moisture. Finally, she did a U-turn after basking in the sun for half second and sped like bullet down toward the ground, the raindrops chasing after her. When she landed and screeched to a halt, they splashed off her open wings and refracted the light spectrum into a miniature rainbow.

“They don’t call me ‘Rainbow’ and ‘Dash’ for nothing,” she said, beaming with pride and yet upholding the usual “Rainbow Dash” level of swag. Trixie, however, was feeling a little bit more swag than her and decided that it was time to put the cocky little pre-Wonderbolt in her place.

“When Trixie is done with you, all they’ll be calling you is ‘loser,’” she said while thrusting her horn out. The rainbow Dash had created (no pun intended) began to swirl around her, and the daredevil lost control. She spun like a top, this time really getting sick, and was left in a dizzy mess. To add insult to injury, Trixie conjured up a storm cloud shocking Rainbow Dash in the flank and making her let out a girlish yelp.

Spike couldn’t stand it anymore. “Dusk!” he whispered, nudging his surrogate brother with an elbow. “I think it’s your turn. Show that Trixie-chick who’s boss!”

“What?” replied Dusk. “No! No way! You see how they hated her when she showed off?”

“So?” said the baby dragon. “What does it matter? Kick her flank!”

Dusk Shine rolled his eyes. “I mean, if they hate her now, imagine what they’re gonna do when I show off more magic than she has. I’ll be run out town!”

Spike paid no heed. “Hey, Trixie!” he yelled. “I’ve got a unicorn with TWICE as much magic than you’ll ever have!” Trixie raised an eyebrow.

“And who would that be?” she said. “I fail to see anypony with a horn beside you.”

“Why, none other than the Brilliant and Masculine Dusk-” Spike began, looking to his right. He had taken to account that Dusk had beyond mortal magical ability, yes, but the number-one assistant forgot one detail:

Dusk could use that ability to cast a high-level invisibility spell and run off to Celestia-knows-where like an invisible Scootaloo.

“-Shine,” Spike finished, realizing that his secret weapon was no longer present. He hung his head in shame.

“Trixie has no time for your amusing antics!” the traveling gypsy scoffed. “Come, who’s next? You? Yes you, with the bulging muscles and the comically small wings! Show the Great and powerful Trixie what you’re made of!”

Spike didn’t even stay for the “YEEAAAHHH!” of some nopony in the crowd. He was already heading home, cheeks flushing form embarrassment and disappointment. His goal remained the same, for it was Dusk who had taught him to never give up, no matter the odds. Dusk would take back what he said about it in this situation, but that didn’t matter. Spike was heading back to the library to give his surrogate brother a good tongue lashing when he bumped into Snips and Snails again.

“So?” asked Snips. “Did you see the Great and Powerful Trixie? Isn’t she awesome?”

“I see Dusk do better stuff all the time,” muttered Spike. “He could brush Trixie out of here as if she was a dust mite.”

“W-well,” Snails sputtered, trying to defend his hero. “Trixie’s, uhh… greater… and more powerful-er… and stuff! Plus, she beat that Ursa-thingy, so that proves it!”

“How do you that?” ranted Spike. “Nopony’s ever beat an Ursa Major in recorded history! She could have just made it up so idiots like you two could go around bragging for her when she doesn’t have the time to do it herself!” With that, he stormed off.

“Hmmph,” said Snips. “What a jerk. We know better, right Snails? Trixie’s the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria!”

“Ya know, he’s got some kinda point…” Snails thought aloud.

“WHAT?!! Snails, what nonsense are you talking about? Trixie’s-”

“Just hear me out,” explained Snails. The funny thing about Snails was although the guy was as slow as… well, a snail, he did get ideas in his head time to time. And once those ideas got rolling in his brain, he made them happen, no matter how improbable it was. From finding out what the school paste was made of pegasus brains or not to how to move Sugarcube Corner across the entire town, if it was Snail’s idea, it was going to happen one way or the other.

“Trixie said that the battle between her and the Ursa-thingy was so amazing, we had to be there to truly grasp its awesomeness, right?”

“Right…” said Snips, listening closely.

“Well, why don’t we see it to grasp its awesomeness?”

“Snails, what are even saying?” Snips gasped when the idea hit him. “You don’t mean…”

“Huh?” said Snails, snapping to attention. “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. There was a sign about free-ice day at Lickety-Split’s dad’s store and I lost my train of thought.”

“Forget it,” said his best friend. “We’re going into the Everfree Forest. I’ll explain on the way."

Spike paced aggressively about the library while Dusk read his book. There was tension in the air; you could feel it two blocks away. Finally, Spike spoke up.

“I can’t believe you hung me out to dry out there, dude!” he accused.

“I’m truly sorry about that,” Dusk said coolly. “But you really should have listened to me when I said I didn’t want to upstage Trixie. It was a lose-lose situation, she would be made a laughingstock, and I would just take her place as the unicorn who thinks he/she is better than everypony else.”

“But you’re different!” objected Spike. “You don’t even like all that attention, plus you’re just doing what’s necessary!”

“Let me make one thing clear Spike,” cautioned Dusk, “driving Trixie out of town is not ‘necessary.’ This is just something for a confidence boost for guys like the kids on my old high school’s hoofball team, or those thugs from the Royal Guard that Shining brings out for a drink sometimes. I’m NOT one of those guys. I’m a thinker, not some jock who likes to play a game of ‘Alpha Male Smackdown.’

Yes, she humiliated my friends. So what? Nopony really laughed at them when she did, because this is Ponyville and they LIVE here. Everypony in that crowd today sees how amazing Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash are every single day, and that’ll always outweigh what happened today. Pretty soon, this whole ordeal will be over, and Trixie will be nothing more than that one crazy filly that wrote her stupid name on my flank.”

Suddenly, there was rhythmic quakeing sound from the earth, as though the mountains themselves got up and decided to go on a rampage. Spike looked outside.

“Mother of Celestia…” he said under his breath.

“What is it? An earthquake?” said Dusk Shine.

“Worse. Much worse.”

For the third time that week, Snips and Snails were running for their lives. But this time, they were happy about it, because they were going to see the most hardcore fight ever. (Or at least in their opinion.) Pretty soon, they reach their destination: Trixie’s caravan.

“Miss Trixie?” said Snips. “Miss Great and Powerful Trixie? Open up, we need you to be awesome!” Trixie swung open the door, a very irritated look on her face.

“Oh boy, it’s YOU two again,” murmured Trixie. “Look, you can’t buy anymore Trixie plushies, Trixie lawn ornaments, Trixie nacho cheese dispensers, Trixie scuba gear, Trixie corn dogs, Trixie pogo sticks, Trixie the Alicorn action figures, Trixie sparklers, Trixie balloon animals, or copies of The Great and Powerful Trixie: The Video Game,” she listed off like she did to them a million times before. “We’re all sold out. You should know, because YOU bought them all!”

“We’re not here for that,” Snips said, shaking his head. “There’s this big Ursa Major terrorizing Ponyville, and we need you to stop it!”

“WHAT???!!!!” screamed Trixie, her jaw dropping to the ground. “YOU IMBRED SONS OF MULES BROUGHT A BUCKING URSA MAJOR HERE?” She looked to the east, where an oversized bear with a coat that looked like the beast itself was torn from the night sky was roaring like it had a beehive stuck up its butt. (Which coincidentally, was the exact method that was used to wake it up.)

“Yeah!” said Snails with innocent enthusiasm. “It was my idea, apparently!”

Trixie slammed the door like there was a hurricane outside. “Trixie?” called Snails from the other side. “Are you okay? You can still beat an Ursa Major, right?”

“Don’t be stupid!” said Snips, smacking Snails like one of the three stooges. “She’s the Great and Powerful Trixie! She can do anything! Come on out, Trixie! Show this teddy bear what you’re made of!”

Trixie peeked out of the door, lured by the praise. “Okay, Trixie doesn’t feel as great and powerful as she did this morning, but she shall try.

See as the Great and Powerful Trixie uses her magic to make rope come alive! Tremble in awe as she bravely captures the monster with bindings of twine and straw! Slap your forehead in epic failure as she forgets that she only has enough rope to lasso two fingers!

Observe as the Great and Powerful Trixie as she magicks up a great storm of thunder and lightning! Gasp in amazement as she commands the elements themselves attack the Ursa Major with all their might!

Run away in terror as this seems to only make the beast angrier! Cringe in the financial horror as the Ursa Major crushes Trixie’s dressing trailer/unfoldable stage/caravan/living quarters/RV/fortune-telling stand/Autobot/Decepticon/personal “TARDIS”/occasionally, her bounce house with a single stomp!

Watch as the Great and Powerful Trixie considers her options! Swell in pride as she stares into the face of death itself! Please don’t laugh at her as she ever-so-bravely decides to make a tactical retreat! Cock your head in puzzlement as she crashes into that one colt who accused her of being a stripper?

“Trixie!” said Dusk Shine as Trixie picked herself up off the ground. “I knew you were tangled up in this mess.”

“You did?” Trixie said.

“Well, who wouldn’t come to that conclusion? You come into town one day, claiming that you beat an Usra Major one-on-one, and a Minor shows up the very eveing.”

“No, it’s not what you think, I didn’t bring it out!” the showmare said, dropping her third-pony act. “I never even laid eyes on an Ursa Major! It’s just all part of my show and-Wait, did you say ‘Minor?’”

“Why yes, yes I did,” confirmed Dusk Shine. “See, I read that the minimum height of a full-grown Ursa Major is no less than twelve stories tall. This one’s only roughly four stories tall, so it’s still a baby.”

Trixie looked on at the destruction of Ponyville that rivaled a Princesszilla movie. “That’s a baby?”

“That’s right,” said Dusk, “It’s just cranky because somepony woke it up. It IS past bedtime, you know.”

“Reeeeaaally?” she said, glaring at her two biggest fans. “I wonder who that could have been.”

“Ah. Was it Snips and Snails again? Should’ve guessed. I will deal with them shortly, but this is not time for punishment,” he said. “I have a bigger fish to fry. Namely, a giant-sized tantrum!”

“You’re insane!” gasped Trixie. “You can’t slay that behemoth! Even as a baby, it was no match for the best of Trixie’s magic!”

“We don’t have to kill it,” laughed Dusk his horn ignited. “It’s just a cranky cub, remember?” Dusk Shine’s magic performed as follows:

First, he cast a simple wind-changing spell to turn the cattails in the local pond into a makeshift orchestra of grasswhistles, soothing the Ursa Major Minor into a sedative state. Then, he unbolted the water tower, and dumped the water out, quenching the fires the baby bear started. Next, he swooped the empty container over to the barnyard, where the cows were kept. (I will spare you the image of what happens inside the barn, so try NOT to imagine a dozen half-asleep cows having their udders groped by Dusk’s telekinesis, and you’ll be fine.) The water tower, now filled with cream, was given to the Ursa Minor. Dusk Shine, with great effort, lifted up the cub and rocked it gently to sleep. Finally, the sleeping Ursa was levitated back into the Everfree Forest.

Trixie’s mouth gaped in amazement. After a long moment of staring, she threw herself on her knees. “TEACH ME!’ she begged. “Trixie has seen the error of her ways!” Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie walked over to see what drove the gigantic bear away, and saw Trixie apologizing. “She is very, very sorry for not seeing what a master of all things arcane you are, o Brilliant and Masculine Dusk Shine!”

Dusk, still standing beside the belief that he outshining Trixie would lead him to be shunned, denied her praise. “Oh no,” he said in desperate attempt to mask the truth, “it was you who lulled the Ursa Minor to sleep, remember Trixie?”

“Trixie is flattered by your attempt to give her all the credit,” Trixie said humbly, “but she cannot accept it, for you are truly the master!”

Of all the times this pony had to grow sense of modesty, thought Dusk, it had to be now.

“It that true, Dusk?” said Applejack. “Didja defeat the Ursa all by yerself?”

“It totally was, silly!” blurted Pinkie Pie. “This is a Twilight episode, isn’t it? I mean, it can’t be a Pinkie Pie episode because I haven’t got a line this whole chapter until now, and you barely even see me in the canon episode!”

“That… was… so… EPIC!” squee’d Rainbow Dash. “I saw the whole thing from the sky! It was like a Michel Haybale movie! That big bear went like, ‘Rawr!’ And you were like, ‘Pew-pew-pew!’ And then the bear was like, ‘Zzzzzz…’” She paused. “Acutally, that part was really boring. Can we go back to the part where the Ursa-or-whatever-it’s-called blew up that Diamond Tiara-kid’s vacation home? That was awesome.”

“You aren’t mad at me?” said Dusk, confused at his friends’ reaction because he’s an idiot and I want to get this stupid canon character arc done already.

“Of course we’re not angry,” said Rarity. “Why would we be upset at you for saving Ponyville?”

“Because now that I’ve shown I’m better than Trixie, you might think I’m a showoff like her.”

“Hey!” said Trixie. “The Great and Powerful and Offended Trixie heard that!”

“Doing your part to protect the ones you love isn’t showing off,” said Fluttershy. “It’s doing what you think is right, and I think rocking that poor little Ursa Minor to sleep was very sweet of you.”

“Anyways,” Trixie said while still at Dusk’s knees, “Trixie has seen you do magic in a way beyond what she could have imagined, using mostly a simple levitation spell,” she continued, over-romanticizing her savior’s accomplishment. “What’s more, you performed it with so much power, Trixie is certain that you are a wellspring of arcane power, rightly worshiped as a god among magic-users.”

“That’s very flattering of you, Trixie,” said Dusk, his cheeks a little red. “But I think it’s time for you to-”

“…And that it why The Great and Powerful Trixie now deems you worthy of becoming her tutor, comrade-in-magic, and lawfully wedded husband.”

“WHAT?!!!” cried out the voices of five jealous mares and an even more furious dragon.

“Indeed,” confirmed Trixie with as much ham as she put into her professional performance. “For you have stolen Trixie’s heart with your skills and bold demeanor! She will chase you to the ends of the earth if you so wish her to! You have wooed her to the very core of her spirit, you rapscallion of stallions!”

“…To Peirce Two Souls,” Dusk recited.

“Pardon?” said the blue unicorn, breaking character.

“To Pierce Two Souls,” he repeated. “It’s romance novel by a pony named Ill Repute. You just quoted from the scene in Chapter 39, where the secondary female lead confesses her love to the eighth conflicting love interest.”

“You read that?” she said, slightly embarrassed that her act was so transparent.

“To be honest, I read any genre that comes into my hooves. I stayed with my aunt for three weeks one summer when I was fourteen. All she had was cheesy romance novels, so I had to make do. The material was as cheesy as my aunt’s gorgonzola, but at least I had a lot of content. Now, what do you really want, if that’s not actually your real pickup line?”

Trixie sighed. “I really do want a tutor on magic,” she confessed, dropping her third-pony verbal tic to be taken seriously. “But the truth is, my place got smashed to pieces, so I have nowhere to go, and no place to stay.”

“Didn’t you try to run out of town when I bumped into you?”

“Shut your mouth! Trixie wasn’t thinking straight!”

“Hold everything!” announced Pinkie Pie. “Group meeting! Now!” All five mares plus Spike huddled together, hoofball style. Since Dusk had no idea what “group meeting” meant because he missed Pinkie’s debriefing in-between chapters, he was sadly not part of the huddle. There was a quick exchange of whispers, and they came to a decision.

“BUCK, NO!” all of Dusk’s friends cried out, followed by a “…if that’s okay with you,” from Fluttershy.

“Uh, guys?” said Dusk. “She just said she’s homeless. Do you want a homeless pony sleeping out in the cold on your conscious?”

After another exclusive group meeting without Dusk, there came a second answer: “GET HER OUTTA HERE!” followed by a “…but give her some food and money,” from Fluttershy.

“Please, guys?” said Dusk Shine like four-year-old begging his parents to keep a puppy that followed him home. “She can sleep in the guest bedroom that I’ve been using for a broom closet until now.”

There was a third group discussion, and then Fluttershy said, “Alright, she can stay.”

“As long as she doesn’t touch you,” added Rarity.

“And you have to keep using her room as a broom closet when she’s sleeping in there,” said Rainbow Dash like this was the most important thing in the agreement.

“Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” the now not-so-homeless gypsy exclaimed. “You won’t regret this, Trixie promises!”

“So, there’s only one thing left to do…” the purple scholar said as he surveyed the ruined streets of Ponyville. “Snips and Snails, come out from wherever you’re hiding! You’ve got some explaining to do!”

The two culprits crawled out from a barrel in an alleyway and walked over to face the consequences of their actions.

“We’re sorry,” they said simultaneously.

“You better be,” scolded Dusk Shine. “You nearly destroyed all of Ponyville this time.” Snips and Snails looked at the ground, their faces painted with guilt. “But,” Dusk added, “I suppose this time you can’t be expected to clean up this entire mess, so I guess you two will simply have to report yourselves to community service and see what you can do for the Mayor, starting tomorrow.”

Spike coughed. “You know,” he suggested, “thinking about it, this all started with their obsession with Trixie, so don’t you think you should give them a taste of your magic to see how it stacks up?”

His surrogate brother nodded in approval. “What did you have in mind?”

“I was thinking about the spell you learned this morning,” Spike vaguely put. “And give it to me again, too.” Dusk’s horn lit up, and the three boys instantly grew bushy mustaches.

“That still isn’t going to attract girls,” said the egghead. “In fact, I think you’d be better off without them.” Just then, he heard the distinct sound of a young filly swooning. He turned and saw a schoolgirl by the name of Silver Spoon racing up to Snails.

“H-hey there,” stuttered the rich filly, losing her confidence as she got within eye contact of Snails. “Y-you’re name’s Slugs, r-right?”

“Snails,” said the skinny colt, wondering why a member of the opposite sex was talking to him.

“Snails, right,” said Silver Spoon, mentally slapping herself while thinking Stupid, stupid, stupid! “I don’t r-really like talking to ponies like you, mostly ‘cause Diamond Tiara says you’re uncool, b-but I couldn’t help notice… that moustache!”

Dusk’s mouth hung open so wide, you could fit a train in there and he still could have enough room to eat his words. Pinkie, however, corrected the Silver Spoon with “It’s pronounced ‘MUSTACHE!’”

The spectacled pony ignored her. “S-so I w-was wondering, there’s th-this ‘free ice cream day’ at Lickety-Split’s dad’s place, and I think it w-wasn’t completely destroyed when that big m-m-monster attacked…”

“You know,” Snips said, backing up his brainless friend, “Snails and I were the ones who faced the Ursa Minor mono-on-mono in the Everfree Forest.”

“Oh!” gasped the love-struck filly. “That’s so brave of you, Smiles!”

“Snails,” repeated the slow-witted colt.

“S-sorry,” said Silver Spoon, now stammering ever single word to the point in barely understandable. “S-so… w-w-would y-y-you… g-go out… w-with m-me?”

“Hooray,” cheered Snails, still oblivious that he forgot to turn off his swag. “Free ice cream!”