The Double Rainboom was a sight to behold. It was akin to seeing a great biblical miracle unfold itself in the form of a twenty-mile-wide, rainbow-like, exploding flower. It would be the topic of discussion for generations to come.

Also, Cloudsdale was in shambles. Ruins would be the more appropriate word, actually. Countless cloud structures were mercilessly destroyed by the shockwaves of Rainbow Dash’s supernatural athletic achievement. The Cloudsdale Cloudsdome, owned by Doug Cloudsdome, had been all but flattened. The air was abuzz with screaming children and the sirens of emergency response teams. Pegasi flew around in the sky like ants escaping from a boiled anthill, all of them trying to save themselves and/or their loved ones, or even perhaps complete strangers. To summarize: Chaos did not just reign in Cloudsdale that afternoon, but had also figuratively decapitated Peace and Order with a rusty buzzsaw from the garage down the street.

But none of that mattered to Dusk Shine right then. The screams seemed distant and irrelevant. All that mattered was the piece of parchment that Spike had so desperately worked to give him, and the words that Princess Luna had written.

It’s raining men… and it’s really leaving a mess. We’re having trouble cleaning up all the bloody, broken bodies. Please volunteer; the community could really use your help. I’m your host, Cecil Palmer, and welcome to Night Vale.

Our little desert town got a big surprise today as a wormhole opened up in the sky and spat out a unidentified projectile at roughly mach 12 speed. The unknown object has been described as a cyan comet with a rainbow-colored tailine. The low-flying comet barely avoided a nearby yellow Strexcorp helicopter, causing it to spin out of control and crash into the Sand Wastes, where thankfully no one was injured. Except for the pilot, of course, but as we all know, helicopter pilots are not real people, and should not be talked about under any circumstance. On the other hand, the comet, which can be talked about freely so far, crashed into the Night Vale invisible clocktower. The comet then let out a groan of agony, plopped down from three stories and fell flat on its face. Metaphorically. We don’t know whether or not this thing has a face.

The local City Council apologizes to Strexcorp for the helicopter crash, as is the City Council’s obligation to monitor and seize control of all wormhole activity. In turn, the Strexcorp representatives demanded $12,000 dollars and 27 virgin sacrifices to pay for property damage. The City Council managed to haggle this prince down to $3,000 and 74 virgin sacrifices. The Strexcorp representatives agreed with these terms by burying the dead goat skeleton they always bring with them, and dancing around the makeshift grave with the City Council in a traditional tribal dance. There was more paperwork involved than that, but I don’t want to bore you with the details. After all, we at Night Vale Community Radio have to keep things brief. We have a show to run.

Speaking of our show, here’s a word from our sponsor…

Rainbow Dash had been missing for an hour now. Most of the survivors in Cloudsdale had been rescued and accounted for. Ambulance chariots had been deployed throughout the city, tending to the grievously wounded. The remaining bearers of Elements of Harmony were gathered around one of these ambulances, cloaked in shock blankets. Fluttershy, who had grown up in Cloudsdale, was constantly mumbling to herself, trying not to think about all the foals who couldn’t fly in this dire situation. Also, and this almost goes without saying, Trixie and Spike were there too. The Rainbros, however, were not. They went to the Cloudsdale Weather Corporation to see if their father was alright.

...Wait, what do you mean you don’t remember the Rainbros?? I just introduced them last chapter. It couldn’t have been that long between updates, could it?

…

Don’t answer that.

“You’ve been awful quiet, Dusk,” Applejack commented. “What exactly wuz in those letters Spike gave ya?”

“N-nothing,” Dusk gulped, gazing out at the wreckage of Cloudsdale. It was getting late and the sky was beginning to take on the orange hue of sunset. The flakes of cloud that were spiraled high into the stratosphere by the Double Rainboom made delicate purple flecks across the twilight sky. “Nothing… that I can talk about right now. I need time to think.”

Trixie, who had long given up trying to cast a blanket over her shoulders due to the obstruction of her enormous butterfly wings, gave a skeptical glance. “You’ve been given forever to think. While Cloudsdale’s been crumbling, in fact! What are you hiding from Trixie?”

“Hey, leave him alone,” defended Spike.

“Okay, then Trixie will ask you: What did those letters say??”

“Not telling.”

“Ugh!” grunted Trixie.

By now, Rarity’s curiosity was also peaked.” You know that you can tell me, right Dusk?” she suggested innocently. “Don’t be such a shut-in. You do know that a tightly-closed book never gets the joy of being read, right?” She scooted closer to Dusk’s seat, where he was nervously clutching Luna’s bundle of letters like a million-bit treasure. Rarity emphasized her point with one of her puppy-dog pouts.

While Rarity continued to pester Dusk about his recent mail, Pinkie Pie remained unusually silent, especially for her case. The pony who resided in her mind was feeling rather awkward about the lack of words from Pinkie and decided to speak up about it. Well, ‘speak up’ in the only way Pinkamena was normally capable of.

[Hey, Pinkie?] Pinkameana’s voice echoed through Pinkie’s skull. [You… okay? You seem kinda distant, and that’s coming from the closest pony to you.]

Huh? Pinkie thought, startled by Pinkamena’s sudden inquiry. Oh, it’s nothing. I’m A-okay!

[You sure? You don’t seem like yourself.]

Sure I’m sure! I’m as happy as a horse can be.

Pinkamena still wasn’t convinced. She still thought something was wrong In fact, she knew something very specific was wrong, but she was afraid to address it. For the first time in her life, Pinkamena was afraid to approach an issue.

She approached it anyway. [Pinkie, Remember when I said we should stop breaking the you-know-what?]

Yep?

[...and we still do it time to time?]

Oo! Did you find something really cool, like a wall-breakers anonymous club? Because that would be really fun to go to.

[It’s nothing like that, Pinkie.]

Okay, then what is it?

[...]

Well?

[...]

Is this going to be a game of 20 questions? Because I haven’t played that in, like, foreverrr.

Pinkamena bit her proverbial lip and continued. [Pinkie, I’ve been looking beyond the wall. Reading scenes and chapters that we don’t take place in.]

Pinkie resisted the urge to gasp outright. Oooooo, that’s super-dee-duper against the rules! You gonna get in trouble~

[Pinkie, this is serious. Please, I’m begging you to be serious with me.]

Hey, I’m always serious. Seriously FUN!

[I know what Dusk is hiding, Pinkie.] Pinkamena said grimly.

...

[You know it too, don’t you?]

I... I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t NEED to know! Everything’s gonna work out anyway.

[Pinkie, I’m going to ask you do me a favor. Just one favor. One favor for putting up with your shit all day, every day: Listen to reason. Listen to me. Listen to what I’m about to tell you: Give up. Give up on Dusk and go on with your life. With our life. Don’t get crushed by rejection. I never want to see that happen to you. Ever. I’m begging you, just give up. For me.]

I n-n-never learned h-how.

Applejack turned to her left, staring at Pinkie. “Pinkie… ya feelin’ alright?”

Pinkie sniffled. “I’m alright. It’s just that the pegasi picked a yucky day for rain.”

Applejack, taken aback by this statement, took off her hat and looked up at the sky. “Pinkie Pie, we’re above th’ clouds. It can’t rain here.”

PInkie Pie craned her head back, looking at the clear blue sky with a smile that never quite reached her eyes. Tears trickled down her cheeks from her pale, watery gaze. “It’s raining. I can always tell when it’s raining.”

We interrupt our broadcast with a message from the Sheriff’s Secret Police: A masked vigilante has been bounding on the rooftops every night for a week now, attempting to put an end to street crime. The vigilante has been described as being five-foot-six, having red curly hair and beard stubble; wearing a velvet cape and matching underwear on the outside of his crimson tights.

The Secret Police would also like to notify you that although vigilante justice is highly encouraged and rewarded on under normal legal circumstances, this behavior is entirely unacceptable. For one thing, street crime is a product of the local vague-yet-menacing government agency to keep American citizens properly alert and paranoid for potential danger, so in case we face a surprise invasion, we’d be heavily armed and know how to shoot to kill. It’s fun learning experience for kids, take my word for it. Not like that dangerous act of reading in the library, ancient gods forbid. Or reading at all, in fact.

Secondly, since this mysterious masked man is hiding his secret identity, the Secret Police can’t properly award Observant Citizen points, since they don’t know whom to give them to. “It’s really annoying,” they say. “Why is this jerk trying to fight the system? The system isn’t evil. The system wants to reward you. The system wants to absorb you. Absorbing is rewarding, and rewarding is absorbing. Being absorbed is an enjoyable experience that few people get to do for themselves. Gerold from down the street got absorbed last week, and he says that he couldn’t feel better!”

Thirdly, since this masked man has been jumping all over our town’s rooftops, he’s been tripping all over the excess chimneys we have. I mean, at this rate he’s going to knock some of them over. There are an average of twelve chimneys per building in Night Vale, and more are being built every day. Marcus Vansten, the richest man in Night Vale, has spent a vast amount of his fortune building all of those chimneys, and he’s starting to get annoyed that this vigilante is going out of his way to stub his toe on each and every one of them. And as we all know, nobody disagrees with Marcus Vansten and gets away with it. Nobody.

Lastly, the masked man’s outfit is clashing and obnoxiously flamboyant to boot. That’s not actually in the news report, that’s just my personal opinion.

More on the comet that crashed into the Night Vale clocktower: Mainly, it is not a comet. It’s not even a meteorite. It is not even the Second Coming of the Space Moles, despite what many experts might speculate. Apparently, the projectile is a living, breathing organism that walks on all fours, occasionally trying to fly with broken, mangled wings. Notably, it’s also sporting a rainbow-colored hairstyle and matching tail. Well, not the government-mandated spectrum of rainbow, though, so don’t look directly at it. Oh, and the creature has the most adorable eyes!

…

You there, stop laughing. Yes, you. You in the flat three blocks away. This is a serious broadcast station, and that means that we keep things professional. Stop it. We know where your family lives.

The four legged creature has also been reported to be capable of speech. It is asking where it is, what is this place, and why there are strange paintings all over the roads. The City Council would like to take this opportunity to remind you that talking to outsiders is illegal when it is not The Equinox of the Seven Suns. Which, by the way, is still happening. The Equinox of the Seven Suns is always present, we’re all going to die and there is nothing we can do about it, so let’s get out of our safety bunkers, Night Vale, and cheerfully go greet our new guest with open arms with an olive branch in one hand and a rifle hidden in the other!

“So, Ah’ve got a question,” Applejack spoke up, “How did Rainbow Dash get so fast in the first place?”

“No idea,” shrugged Spike.

Fluttershy, who had slightly come out of her nervous breakdown concerning the massive loss of lives in her precious hometown of Cloudsdale, looked to her lover. “Dusk, you’re smart, right?” she asked. “Did you notice anything strange about Rainbow Dash before she disappeared?”

Even though the question had been directed at Dusk, it was Trixie who jumped him to the answer. “Wait… the soft-spoken one has a point! Rainbow Dash had been flying awfully fast, hadn’t she? Dusk, do you think she used the potion?”

“The potion?” Dusk relayed. “No, she wouldn’t do something like that. She gave her word. She’s literally the bearer of the abstract concept of Loyalty!”

“What potion?” Rarity blurted.

Trixie, ignoring Rarity’s question, drove further into her argument with Dusk. “She’s also literally Rainbow Dash. Would she pass up an opportunity like this?”

“Like what?” asked Pinkie.

Dusk stared into space for moment as he weighed the probabilities. He didn’t like the conclusion he came to. “Fluttershy… where’s the nearest university?”

“Twelve blocks,” the animal lover replied. “What’s this all about, if you don’t mind me asking?

“I’ll explain on the way. I need you girls to accompany me to there. One of us has to have a talent strong enough to find Rainbow Dash. Spike, stay here make sure nopony reads any of my mail. Pretend it’s a huge gem that’s too fattening to eat.”

Rainbow Dash was breathing heavily. It had been only hours since she-

Author's Notes:

You know, I’ve been thinking…

And you know what? Fuck it. It’s canceling-O-clock!

This is the farthest I’ve gotten into writing this chapter before quitting. It’s time for me to move on to other things. Better things. Grander things. I’ve even opened a new Fanfiction.net account, in case I want to create something outside of the realm of Equestria.

But for me to properly wrap this up, I’m just going “spoil” the some ideas I had for this story:

1) Dusk and Luna’s kid? Yeah, it was totally gonna be Nyx from Past Sins. She was going to pop out of the womb during NightMare Night. On my take of Castle Mane-ia, Luna was gonna teach her how to play the organ.

2) Dusk was going to pay child support.

3) I never worked out how exactly Pinkamena was going to react to Pinkie’s little breakdown on this chapter.

4) When I was writing the first few chapters, I had Applejack in mind for the winning mare. I know, right? She was actually going to fuck Dusk in the middle of the night during “The Last Roundup,” because she was planning to run away forever. That was going to lead to a pregnancy scare during the episode immediately afterward, “The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000,” where she would accidentally blurt out the big news to everypony in the vicinity (in frustration of constantly being interrupted). All of this was before the idea of Luna’s dream-sex escapades came along.

5) “A Dog and Pony Show” was only going to be one chapter long, ending with “Dear Princess Celestia: Rarity scares me sometimes.”

6) At the Grand Galloping Gala…
* The girls were going to spend the first ten minutes pulling Dusk away to their repective favorite activities.
* Luna was going to hire the Night Guards to kidnap Dusk to a night-long gaming session, since she has recently discovered to wonderful world of video games. Apparently, Dusk had never touched a controller in his life, since his mother believed that they rot your brains. Luna is mortified by this.
* Rarity meets Blueblood. A Blueblood that’s forced to live this night over and over again for eternity. They argue on who’s having a worse time.
* Trixie is determined to impress Dusk by reciting from a old book that she found: The Neighcronomicon. The girls then have to fight off zombies.
* Blueblood actually rescues Rarity from zombies.

7) In “Over a Barrel,” Gilda is part of Appleloosa’s weather team… along with her new over. Lightning Dust. Rainbow Dash is then confused about her sexuality with her burning jealousy. Pinkie helps out by having Dash play dress-up in the “You gotta caaarrre, you gotta shaaarrre” routine. Gilda’s feelings for Dash bubble up for Dash again and they become the beta couple. Sorry, James Rye.

8) Dusk becomes an alicorn. Duh.

9) People keep asking me to do a Dusk version of Equestria Girls. The original plan was to have Princess Platinum take over Sunset Shimmer and do it from her point of view. Also, Dusk/Flash Sentry bromance. Spike gets jelly. Just saying that makes me laugh a bit.

10) Clover the Clever’s soul gem got smashed, and now she’s stuck in Limbo. Fortunately, that also where Discord’s mind is when he’s trapped in stone. Clover got revived by making a deal with Discord: Gather intel about the Elements of Harmony’s greatest weaknesses and report back to him. That’s how he knew how to corrupt the Mane Six in the first place.

LAST ONE) Fluttershy had a dick. She had a dick all along. Had this idea since I wrote Chapter Numero Uno. I seriously couldn’t decide when to drop this one, but I finally decided on “Green isn’t Your Color,” when it turned out that Fluttershy was on contract. You know, like most models have? To ruin the contract, she would have to ruin her image. Thus, she ended up flashing everypony at a press conference and went safely back into obscurity. Cue a running gag where she turns into an embarrassed, stuttering mess whenever somepony brings that event up in conversation.