I walk across the floor of Carousel Boutique, maneuvering myself around the natural clutter. My feline senses multiply every smell and sound. I mostly hear the rhythmic whirring and tapping sound of a sewing machine. Other than that, I can smell the glue Sweetie Belle was using for her latest homework assignment. I think it had something to do with arts and crafts, but I’m not sure. I never paid much attention to that filly. Too much of a bother. Besides, she never has the decency to wipe her nose.

Rarity is working away at some new dress, as usual. Also as usual, she’s forgotten to feed me. I swear, one of these days I’m going to starve to death, then she’ll be sorry. Or maybe I’ll just help myself to one of the edible boots she leaves lying around. Whichever.

Not wanting to munch on footwear, I paw on Rarity’s hind leg. She didn’t even give me a second glance.

“Not now Opal, Mommy’s working.” she said. “Oh, this is going to one of my best works yet!” She shoos me away like some common dust bunny. Such insolence! Doesn’t she know who I am?

What’s that? Who am I, exactly? What a silly question. Why, you’re speaking to none other than Her Royal Majesty, Princess Platinum the First, the shining treasure of Equestria!

...

...STOP LAUGHING.

I’m telling the truth, you know. Granted, I’m stuck in the body of a common housecat named Opalescence, but I assure you, I have an excuse for that. Get yourself comfortable, it’s a long story. Also, I might prattle on a bit. I have mountains to get off my chest, and it’s been ages since I could say anything besides “meow.” (I’m not quite sure how I’m talking to you in the first place, but Father always said not to look a gift horse in the mouth...)

Long ago, there was a beautiful princess from the bountiful land of Unicornia. All was fair in the proud nation, and the princess reveled in her family’s fortune and unicorn superiority. All this changed when a bit of cold weather blew in, and the land of Unicornia wasn’t all that bountiful anymore.

Frankly, it was dead. Along with a lot of unicorns.

Fortunately, a hooful of us escaped and sought out a new land to settle in. Our lucky break was found beyond the borders of our gold-ridden mountains: The nation that is now known as Equestria, the kingdom that spread itself all across the world.

Oh yeah, and we had to share it with the pegasi and earth ponies. That took some getting used to.

I mean, A LOT of getting used to. You know that little Hearth’s Warming play they do every year, where at the end everypony’s seen the error of their ways? Remember when all the world’s leaders finally learned that all their troubles would magically melt away because they all held hooves and got along? Oh, and this is my favorite part: They all lived happily ever after while singing the Equestrian national anthem in perfect, two-dimensional harmony~

Go ahead, get a good picture of it all in your imagination while that warm and fuzzy feeling bubbles up inside you for a few minutes longer. Go on, engorge yourself. Savor the moment.

Now listen to me loud and clear: Politics don’t work that way.

Sure, we all got along for a brief time, but try to look at it from our point of view. Namely, it was the BUCKING APOCALYPSE. It wasn’t a grand union of three countries to form the greatest superpower the world has ever known, it was the last of three dying species grouping together to find safety in numbers from the dangers of the untamed wilderness with absolutely no toilet paper.

Still not convinced? Let me clue you in on a few minor details Celestia “accidentally” missed when writing that oh-so-precious holiday pageant. One, we were living in uncharted territory, so we got constantly lost. Two, we had to leave every cent of our royal fortune back at home, so we had no form of currency. Three, the earth ponies needed at least a year before they could grow a decent crop of food, so we had to eat grass (which tasted terrible) or any wild berries we could find. (Which either tasted terrible or gave you a rather nasty case of the trots. Did I mention we had no toilet paper?)

Lastly, since our population of earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns left alive all counted up to a grand total of 260 or so, we had to arrange marriages very precisely to make sure that our future generations were as little as inbred as possible. And I don’t mean we avoided inbreeding entirely, I mean we punched in the numbers, drew countless charts and graphs, told our children exactly who to have babies with (no matter how much they hated it), and generally worked our plots off, but everypony today is STILL a teensy bit related to each other. Near extinction can do that to a species, you know.

But life back then wasn’t all bad. For me, at least. A few years after we made a permanent settlement, my father (whom we thought was dead), King Sombra the Vigilant, arrived unscathed from our original homeland just in time to witness the birth of his grandson, Prince Blueblood the First. I was so happy that day, I cried.

Well, maybe it was from the contractions. Still, tears are tears.

What? You didn’t know I was a mother? Of course you didn’t. You probably don’t even care what happened to my son. All you really are thinking is, “How did this stunningly gorgeous unicorn end up eating catnip and playing with balls of yarn? How could such a travesty come to be?” Well, I’ll tell you what happened.

Alicorns. Alicorns happened.

Two alicorns, to be precise. You see, we actually had no intention of forming a new country that consisted of each race of pony before King Equinox and Queen Eternia came along. We thought it was the end of the world, after all. The term “Equestria” wasn’t even invented yet. We lived through armageddon, and survival was occupying our every thought. We had no thoughts of conquest, exploration, or even clearing out a forest to build a bigger city. But I digress. Back to the alicorns.

I don’t actually know where they exactly came from. Nopony does. I don’t know if they were part of some long-lost civilization that time forgot, if they’re some scientific experiment that decided to grow legs and come to life, or even if they were just born somewhere in a dusty old manger in the dead of the night. They just flew down from the sky one day and said,

“Thou hath performed quite nicely. We shall take it from here now.”

And that was it. Nopony resisted. Nopony disobeyed. Nopony said, “Clop off, you freaks of nature!”

...Well, almost nopony. Commander Hurricane was always the most outgoing one, after all. Got himself burned to death for that little outburst.

Anyway, that’s how Equestria was made. A pair of immortal beings came and took over a bunch of starving ponies, who were completely defenseless mostly because all of their armies recently died of hypothermia. Love and tolerance, my furry arse.

So, since our ever-so-glorious new king was in charge, ponies like Chancellor Puddinghead were suddenly completely out of a job. As you might’ve guessed, my family was no exception. Father took our fall from power the hardest, saying that the alicorns had no right to rule. He even started studying on a way to kill them in secret.

Eventually, King Equinox caught wind of my father’s defiance. In fact, the pony that ratted us out was my own husband. My own husband, a traitor! (In hindsight, I probably should have saw that one coming, since his name was Snake In The Grass.)

We were banished. The whole royal family. Every last one of us. Well, Snake In The Grass got to stay. Queen Eternia reasoned that Blueblood didn’t know any better, so my son got to stay too. After all, he was only nine at the time.

Abandoned by our once-loyal subjects, we headed north. There, we discovered the Crystal Empire, a kingdom populated by a native tribe of earth ponies with no outside contact to the rest of the world. They hadn’t the slightest notion that other ponies could have wings or horns.

That is, until we arrived. And by Lauren Faust’s horn, they found us fascinating. All one of us had to do was levitate an ear of corn in the air for a bit, and our entire family was perceived as a pantheon of GODS. We were back to telling other ponies what to do by lunchtime.

Years rolled by in our life of luxury. Decades, even. Unfortunately, Father was always paranoid that Equinox would come swooping down any day and “take what’s rightfully ours again.” He began to reinforce our defenses. He experimented with several different kinds of magic, trying to find the most effective way of turning a pony inside-out. Eventually, he discovered the abilities of the Crystal Heart. Before that, we just assumed that thing was just some fancy-looking ornament that the crystal ponies used for some primitive religion. We couldn’t be more wrong.

Now, before I can tell you about the Crystal Heart, I have to explain to you the concept of the Crystal Empire. Namely, that it’s not really an empire. Look at it, it’s no bigger than a decent city. No, the reason it’s called the Crystal Empire is because of the Crystal Heart. Clover the Clever said it basically takes the will and personality of whoever makes a connection with it, and invokes it across the entire planet.

For some odd reason, the crystal ponies never used it to take over the world. They just used it grow food in in snow and frozen soil, allowing them to live so close to the north. Nothing else. Can you believe that? And to top it off, they put it on display in the town square with nopony to guard it. Honestly, if you’ve got magic like that under your roof, you’re just begging for somepony to come around, abuse it to their own personal gain, and go mad with power.

Which is exactly what Father did.

After he harnessed the energy of the Crystal Heart, he put all our subjects to work in the crystal mines, since the more crystals he had, the more powerful he became. Don’t get me wrong; I loved my father, but he totally went insane.With the help of Clover, I tried to reason with him nearly single every day, but he would just laugh in our faces.

“I am the sovereign king of the Crystal Empire,” he would say every time. “I am the most powerful being ever witnessed by mortal eyes! Nopony commands me what to do! Now, leave me in peace. I must prepare for the oncoming war. Equinox will be here any moment, I can feel it!”

Speaking of King Equinox, it turns out he and Queen Eternia were quite dead at the time, courtesy of something called a “draconequus,” or something like that. I never got the details on that story, but from what I heard, the issue resolved itself.

What DID come to overthrow our beautiful empire was Equinox’s two daughters we know today, Celestia and Luna. Apparently, they heard word of Father’s less-than-agreeable labor laws from a random pony that escaped the mines. Obviously, they weren’t just going to banish us this time. Nopony gets that many second chances. Still, Father forbade any of the family to retreat, basically putting us all under house arrest like sitting ducks. We were panicking. We told him that this was madness. He wasn’t worried. He had a plan.

You see, despite all the power he had grown over the years, he still was no match for an alicorn, much less two. So, he wanted to raise an entire army of alicorns to defend his precious crystals. How was he going to do this, you might ask?

By taking his horn and jabbing it into the Crystal Heart repeatedly. Simply brilliant.

But through an incredible stroke of luck, he succeeded. That’s right, at the fragile age of 89, King Sombra the Vigilant actually made an army of alicorns overnight. Except that there were a couple... impediments, if you will.

1. It wasn’t exactly an army of alicorns. It was just one.

2. The one, single alicorn he created (not to mention our last hope at survival), looked like this.

...So to summarize, we were all doomed.

Fortunately, Clover learned how to pick locks the night before the Royal Pony Sisters attacked. We moved quietly, avoiding the guards at every turn. We tried to save the rest of my family before we left, but it turned out that each and every one of them decided to get it over with and hang his/herself by his/her respective bedsheets. That said, the only living relatives I had left were my father, my son, and that alicorn foal that I suppose technically counted as my half-sister.

Anyway, Clover and I were about to go out the back door of the castle when we accidentally bumped into Father. He wasn’t even looking for us at the time; he was in the middle of installing flamethrowers in the hallway. Miraculously, he let us leave. Really, he did. Just like that. I was never sure why. Perhaps a small part of him wanted his firstborn daughter to be safe and out of harm’s way. Perhaps he thought I was the Crystal Empire’s last hope, and he wanted me to come back one day to avenge his inevitable death. He never told me his reasons. I think he tried to, though. His mind was so corrupted at that point, he could barely speak a complete sentence.

“F-father?” I exclaimed. “You’re letting us go? But... why? Why now?”

“AAAAaaayyyaahhhhggghhhgaAyAhCrystaalllsssNNgahAAaaggghhh!” he screamed in my face.

“Erm... I love you too, Daddy?”

“Nyaagh.”

And with that, we were gone, fleeing to the frozen hills outside. From a safe distance, we witnessed the Crystal Empire being blasted by a ultra-destructive rainbow of death. Then, our nation began to disappear. Literally. As in it faded into nothingness.

“What’s happening??” I shouted in surprise. “I thought the alicorns wanted to save the Crystal Empire, not make it vanish into thin air with some magic trick!”

“I believe what we’re seeing is a fail-safe spell that King Sombra cast, Your Majesty,” observed Clover the Clever. “According to arcane quota levels I’m sensing, it’s within 80% probability that he planned all of this beforehoof. Due to the rate and method the Crystal Empire is disappearing, it’s likely going into a quasimorphic gap between space and time for-”

“Clover, stop,” I interrupted. “You’re speaking techno-babble again. Just repeat what you just said in Equuish so I can know what’s happened to my favorite dressing room.”

“Apologies, Your Majesty,” my servant said humbly. “I tend to ramble at times. In laymare’s terms, the Crystal Empire has disappeared... for the time being.”

“For the time being?”

‘Yes. You see, it has gone into a state of magical hibernation, if you will. It will come back when the caster cannot sustain the spell any longer.”

“So, the caster is my Father, right?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Well, he’s dead now. Why hasn’t my palace come back yet? Don’t tell me his ghost is sustaining the spell.” I blinked for a second. “Wait, can he do that?”

“I don’t think so,” said Clover, rubbing her chin in thought. “The fact that King Sombra is dead has yet to be determined, you know.”

“Yet to be determined?” I gawked. “YET TO BE DETERMINED?!? THEY ANNIHILATED HIM WITH A NUCLEAR RAINBOW! YOU CAN’T GET MORE DEAD THAN THAT!!!”

“I believe the situation is quite the contrary,” Clover said calmly. “The spell was cast after the rainbow, and one has to be alive to cast even the most simplest spell. Ergo, your father is still very much alive.”

My brain was failing to process this. “He’s... alive? He’s still alive? How is that even possible?”

“With all due respect, Your Majesty,” Clover sighed, “I’ve thrown things like ‘possibility’ out the window ever since I’ve met Chancellor Puddinghead.”

I looked at her for the longest time. “You’re taking this all pretty well.”

“I believe I’m suffering from shock, ma'am,” she replied stoically. “Leaving three countries in ashes does not bond well to a pony’s psyche.” She swallowed a lump. “Anyway, that’s not important right now. I believe we need to pay more attention to that rainbow that hit King Sombra and why it didn’t kill him.

“I have two theories about this phenomenon. One is that it was supposed to kill him, but it somehow malfunctioned. Another is that the Royal Pony Sisters do not believe in the death penalty as strongly as their father, so they put Sombra in some kind of painless, near-death state. The last one is that they believed that death was too good for His Majesty, so they put him in another kind of near-death state that was designed to be painful.

“As long as any of these hypotheses are true, one fact still remains: Your father is alive.”

After I got my eye to stop twitching from the sheer implausibility of the situation, another question popped into my mind.

“How long?” I asked.

“Pardon, Your Majesty?”

“How long can Father sustain the spell?” I elaborated. “Until then, we have no place to call home.”

“I... don’t rightly know,” she said, an usure expression clouding over her face. “It depends on what condition King Sombra is currently in. It could take years. Maybe even a few decades." She paused, the gears in her head turning. “Wait a minute, wasn’t he performing experiments on life force absorption a few months back?”

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Well, if he can absorb life force, he can use that energy to enhance his own, personal magic. Therefore, he can easily draw upon the life force of the crystal ponies to sustain his spell even longer.”

“How much longer?”

She gulped before she could speak. “About four to six millennia.”

I threw my forehooves up in the air in frustration. “Why? Why would he do this to me? I’m stuck out here in the cold while he takes a cozy, five-thousand-year-long nap! What was he thinking, going with a plan like this?? It doesn’t even benefit him! The alicorns will just come back here to defeat him when he wakes up!”

Clover was still thinking. She was picked as an advisor for one simple purpose: Her special talent was answering questions. Whatever question was asked of her, she always knew how to answer it. Even if she didn’t know what the answer was, she always at least gave out a guess or assumption that turned out to be surprisingly correct. At times, it disturbed me on how uncanny Clover was on subject she supposedly knew nothing about, but I suppose you can’t get a title like “the Clever” for just getting a good grade in math. Besides, that cutie mark of hers came in very handy when she was banished for staying in servitude for my family.

Like right now, when questions were pouring out of me like water through a burst dam.

“Why would Father do all of this?” I said frantically.

“If I had to guess,” Clover said, “I’d have to say that King Sombra is attempting to outlive the alicorns. He probably thinks that they are mortal like us, since they’ve only been around for only forty years or so.”

“Oh,” I said, remembering that Father was still lacking in good judgement and a stable thought process at the time. “So, what are we going to do? We’ve been driven out of house and home for three times now, and the Crystal Empire was our last chance at a happy life. We’ve been beaten.”

There was pause for the longest time. The alicorns had gone back home to celebrate their victory by then. The only ponies there were Clover and I. The only sound that could be heard was the wind hollowing in the air. We were completely alone.

“No,” Clover finally said as she gained a determined look in her eye. “No, we haven’t. All we have to do is wait.”

“What are you saying?”

“If we wait for the Crystal Empire to reappear,” she explained slowly and deliberately, “we can come up with a way to take it back before Sombra or the Royal Pony Sisters can.”

“But... didn’t you say it was going to take... four to six thousand years for the Crystal Empire to reappear?” I said, concerned where this conversation was headed. “Did you hit your head, darling? Maybe you should lie down.”

“I’m fine, Princess. I’ve got it all figured out. I’ve been studying in the local library my spare time, and I believe the crystal ponies may have found a route to immortality.”

“Really?” I said, my eyes dazzling. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Let’s do it. Let’s become immortal!”

“Not so fast, Your Majesty,” Clover said cautiously. “It’s not that simple. You know these things always come at a price. Are you absolutely sure you want to live forever?”

“Positive!” I snapped. “Who in their right mind says ‘no’ to immortality? Just tell me what we have to do.”

Clover pursed her lips, her horn obediently lighting up. “First, I have to cast this certain spell,” she said. There was a flash of blinding light, and I instantly looked myself over with enthusiasm, expecting to feel stronger, or at least younger.

There was no such effect. I didn’t feel as much as a tingling sensation. Heck, I think I gained a few gray hairs just then.

“It didn’t work,” I huffed, giving out a pout. “You have been demoted to ‘Worst Mage.’”

“The ritual isn't finished yet,” Clover retorted with a dirty look. “And I am not ‘Worst Mage.’”

“Well, what’s the next step?” I grumbled, my words covered in sarcasm. “Dance in a circle and sing the magic words?”

“No,” she said, her voice taking a calm, reasonable tone. “Next, I’m going to kill you with this knife.”

“Wait, WHAT?”

*STAB!*

I prefer not to remember what happened after that. All you need to know for now is that I’m a cat. Except I’m not. Look, it’s complicated. Now, where was I?

Ahh yes, getting Rarity’s attention so she can feed me. Cat food may taste atrocious, but a meal’s still a meal.

I give out yet another meow in protest. She finally looks down at me and smiles.

“What’s that, Opal-Wopal?” the ignorant hag says in that baby-talk voice that never fails to give me nausea. “You want to help Mommy with her dream dress?”

No, you imbecile, I’m trying to tell you that I’m famished!

“Of course you want to help,” she says sweetly. “All you have to do is hold this pincushion for a minute.” She sticks a red pincushion in my mouth, shutting me up. I give her my best growl, glaring daggers at her.

“What’s that? You want to help Mommy even more? You’re such a helpful little angel!” With her telekinesis, she forces me to hold a multitude of various items with nearly all my available appendages, leaving me balancing on one, singular paw like some circus clown. Sometimes I wonder that Rarity actually knows that I was once a perfectly respectable unicorn, and that she keeps me as a pet just to torture me in situations like this one. If this ever proves one day to be true, she is the truly the most sadistic being to ever exist.

Rarity takes a break from sowing to talk to herself for a while. “Oh, I can’t believe it! After years upon years of making dresses for the Grand Galloping Gala, I’ve FINALLY attained the honor of attending. Look Opal, Mommy’s hooves are quivering with excitement just from talking about it!”

I roll my eyes. Cool it girl, it’s just a ball. Take it from somepony who has witnessed more Galas than Celestia herself. The monarchs of Unicornia literally invented the Grand Galloping Gala, after all. It’s main purpose was to allow the peasants that could afford fancy enough clothing to suck up to the nobles one night a year, end of story.

“Not to mention that I’ve acquired the perfect date,” she giggles. “That’s why this dress has be fabulous in every fathomable way.” She throws a sheet of fabric over herself. “Ooo, I can imagine Dusk and I on the dance floor right now.” She pulls up a mannequin with her magic and starts to waltz with it. I see her eyes glaze over as she flung herself into her fantasy.

“Why yes, my love, this gown IS made of 100% silk. Except for the parts where I sowed in the diamonds, of course. You don’t look bad yourself tonight. I’m so glad you chose me over the others. They wouldn’t take offense if we steal a kiss by midnight, will they?

“Hm? What’s that you say? More than a kiss?

...

“Oh, such language, my dear! I see you’ve gotten a bit excited. Do I really turn you on that much?

...

“My goodness! There’s a time and a place for such naughty words, Dusk! I dare say I might have to discipline you for the way you’re misbehaving... *tee-hee!*”

Thank heavens that somepony decided to knock on the door just now. I swear, she was just a few more minutes away from getting it on with a plastic stallion.

Rarity nearly falls over in surprise. She tosses off her sheet of cloth and hurries to the door, her cheeks still burning red. I use this distraction as an opportunity to drop all the junk she gave me.

What happened in the next few seconds was... confusing, to say the least, and it happened at an extremely fast pace. I’ll have to break it down for you.

Event #1: Rarity opens the door.

Event #2: Rarity slams the door before the pony outside can even think.

Event #3: Rarity races away to another corner of the house, muttering something.

Event #4: I hear the telltale sound of water running from the bathroom.

Event #5: Rarity runs back to the door, her mane positively drenched.

Event #6: Rarity opens the door, striking the most seductive pose she can manage.

Event #7: “Sorry about the delay, Applejack. I wasn’t expecting company, and you happened to interrupt me in the middle of my midday shower. Oh, hello to you too, Dusk! I didn’t see you there.”

Event #8: Dusk Shine gets a nosebleed.

Event #9: I catch up to speed on what’s going on, but I’m still completely baffled by the fact that I HAVEN’T BEEN FED YET.

After Dusk’s nose stops bleeding and Applejack gets him to stop ogling you-know-who, I take the time to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“So, what is it that you came here for in the first place, darlings?” Rarity asks.

“Ah need you ta fix mah hat one more time,” the unintelligent cowgirl says with her southern drawl. Typical for an earth pony to never understand proper Equuish. “Poor thing’s gettin’ all worn out again.”

“And I need you to fix my old tux,” says Dusk, throwing away the last of his bloody tissues. He pulls out a powder blue tuxedo from his saddlebags. It’s crinkled, it’s unfashionable, it smells of mothballs and it makes me wish I didn’t have eyes. I can see Rarity holding back the urge to tear the suit to shreds.

“It has a button loose,” he explains trying to avoid gazing at Rarity’s mane. I think other corrections are needed for that suit. Like it needs to be set on fire. Ponies back in my day would’ve been flogged for dressing so undesirably.

“Err... If I were to be so bold Dusk,” Rarity says with an uncomfortable smile, “I say a new suit would be more appropriate. Why don’t I make you one?”

Dusk looked a little offended. “But this is the suit I wore back at my senior prom,” he defends.

He wore THAT to his prom? By Lauren Faust, this boy is sad. I have no idea what Rarity sees in him.

“No darling, I insist,” Rarity persuades. “It would be a personal offense to my pride if I didn’t help you.” She turns to Apple-what’s-her-face. “And you know what? I think you could use a little help too, Applejack.”

The orange earth pony looks back with looks back with a blatantly indifferent expression. “Naw, ya don’t need ta help me, Rares. Ah’m perfectly happy with goin’ ta th’ Gala with mah work duds.”

“Work... duds?” Rarity parrots slowly. “Darling, you don’t wear ‘work duds.’”

“‘Course Ah do,” says Applejack, putting on a smile. “Ah have mah hat, don’t Ah?”

“That hardly qualifies as an entire outfit,” Rarity frowns, “much less as a style formal enough for the Gala.”

“Ah ain’t gettin’ in a dress again,” the stubborn hick says outright. “Not after that nightmare of a truth-or-dare game with y’all. No way, no how.”

Dusk speaks up. “AJ, I know you aren’t exactly comfortable with sprucing yourself up, but Rarity has a point. If we don’t dress appropriately, we’ll get kicked out, invitation or otherwise.”

True, very true. I have to admit, Celestia’s got her priorities straight.

Applecrap pouts her lip and snorts. “Fine ya make me a dress. Jus’ don’t make it too fru-fru.”

Thank you, Applejack!’ Rarity says , grinning ear to ear. “I’ll get started right away.” She pauses for a moment. “Wait a minute... I forgot to feed Opal her din-din!” She rushes to the kitchen with great haste. “Oh, Opal-Wopal, no wonder you’ve been so cranky! Mommy’s so sorry. How about some gourmet salmon and rice to make up for it?”

Hallelujah! My time of waiting has finally ended. It’s times like this where I almost begin to like the bitter old witch.

…

...What? What are you still standing around for? I’m not telling you what happens next. I’m not even paying attention anymore. The world could end tomorrow, for all I care. I’m getting my din-din!~

Okay, I’m back. It’s been a couple days since you were all here, and things have hectic around this place. For reasons that are completely beyond me, Rarity has agreed to make a dress for each of all five of her friends, in addition to that suit for her ‘dreamboat,’ Dusk Shine.

All day, every day, the air in the dressmaking room has been high-traffic area for needles, spools of thread, rolls of fabric, buttons, pins, needles, sheets of paper for design, pencils for writing on said paper, and all other kinds of manure; all levitated by Rarity’s horn. I’m constantly surprised at what that tiny thing on her forehead can do. Back in my day, a unicorn at her age would typically get a serious hangover afterward. Then again, that was before Neighagra was invented. That stuff is like steroids for your horn.

Currently, Rarity was taking measurements for one of her ‘clients,’ or whatever you call somepony that you’re making clothing for free for. (I personally believe the term is called, ‘your friendly neighborhood sweatshop owner.’)

Rarity only invites one pony to her place at a time, saying that the one-one-one interaction “helps you become one with your outfit,” or something ridiculous like that. I don’t really buy it myself. I half-believe it, at the very least. My guess is that she either can’t deal with the needs of more than one customer at a time, or that she just uses the opportunity to invade their personal space without all those pesky interruptions.

Like what she was doing to Dusk right now. Just watch.

“Hold still darling, this will only take a few more minutes,” she says.

“Rarity, that tickles!” snickers Dusk. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough time?”

“Not yet, love,” she says patiently, “I have to take a few more measurements.”

Dusk deadpans. “Rarity, you’ve measured every conceivable part and joint of my body twice.”

“Well, it never hurts to double-check,” she chirps innocently. “Besides, I want to get nice, accurate picture of your body committed to memory. You never know when something like that could come in handy.”

“Rarity, you’re measuring my horn. It’s time for you to stop.”

She backs off and gives a pleading look. “You don’t have to be so crude about it.”

“I am not being crude.”

She gives up and sighs. “Fine, I suppose I can work with the measurements of you I have already. But before you leave, there is one matter I simply can’t leave unaddressed.”

“What?”

“You have a smudge on your cheek,” she informs while gesturing to a spot on her face.

He rubs the left side of his own face. “Better?”

“You didn’t get it,” she answers. “I can’t quite place what it is. Is is some kind of hot sauce? Did have your lunch at Famous Hay’s before you went here?”

“Um, no.. I didn’t have lunch yet...”

“Nevertheless, there’s still something on your face,” she insists. It’s obvious that she’s lying, in case you dimwits haven’t caught on yet. “Here, come closer so I can get it for you.”

Dusk (like an idiot) steps closer and comes eye level with her. With a swift motion, Rarity closes the distance between herself and her colt-candy, and starts to slip him the tongue. Surprisingly, this convinces him to stand still during the kiss. I dare say that he was secretly having bit of fun with it.

Finally, he breaks away and says, “What was that for?”

My so-called owner gives him what I believe today’s commoners call ‘bedroom eyes.’ “No reason. Just teensy friendly reminder about what you’re missing out on.” She gives him a quick peck on the nose to punctuate her point. “Of course, all that can change if you can admit that you love me. Then we can-*whisper whisper whisper*-and then we-*whisper whisper whisper*-and not to mention-*whisper whisper whisper*-with me tied down to your-*whisper whisper whisper*-all over the bedsheets-*whisper whisper whisper*-after that, we can go on to the bathtub and-*whisper whisper whisper*-and I know this extra-kinky spell where we-*whisper whisper whisper*-but you’ll have to buy some lubricant first.”

Did you know that unicorn horns start to perform sparks when they’re aroused or excited? It’s a very amusing sight. I just learned that Dusk’s sparks are a lovely shade of magenta.

He tries to form words. Goodness, how he tries. “Buhh-uuuhhh-duuhh-luuhh...”

Rarity giggles like schoolfilly. “You’re so cute when you’re flustered, darling.”

She’s right, you know. Absolutely adorable.

“Well? What’s your answer, Prince Charming? Do you love me or not? It’s rude to keep a lady waiting, you know.”

Dusk Shine faced the moment of truth. He swallowed a big, fat lump, takes a deep breath, and chickens out like the nerd he is.

“SORRYRARITYIGOTTADOSOMETSTUDYINGBUT’LLSEEYOUSOONBYE!!!”

Dusk Shine burst through the doors of the library and lock them up tight. He took a moment to catch his breath and slow his beating heart. Sweat dripped from his brow.

Trixie was sitting on a nearby beanbag, lazily sipping a decaf coffee. She looked up from the book she was reading, called Teleporting 101: For Unicorns That Wish to Take Their Magic to the Next Level. It was part of her ‘homework’ she received from her mentor. Over the weeks of his absent screen-time, Dusk had been teaching Trixie a good, healthy amount of magic. She had progressed beautifully, coming a long way from the day she had started her training. Her proudest moment had happened five days ago, where she actually mastered reversing her own gravity.

It’s a crying shame that you’ve missed all of this.

“You’re back,” said Trixie, “What took you so long?”

Dusk made an attempt to lie. “Rarity was... uhh... very thorough on her measurements. Yes, that was definitely all that happened. Nothing suspicious about it.” Of course, this perked Trixie’s attention greatly.

Trixie stared.

“What?”

Trixie kept staring.

“I said nothing happened!”

Stare.

“N-O-T-H-I-N-G.”

Trixie switched from staring to glaring.

Dusk changed the subject. “Anyway, I think it’s time we got Spike out of his seven-hour bubble bath. Agreed?”

Trixie finally spoke up. “Trixie doesn’t think you’re telling her the whole truth, but since you look so guilty about it, Trixie’s going to assume that you ran out before Rarity could enact... whatever she was planning to do.” She took out a ruler that was lying on a desk, and whacked Dusk on the head with a loud smack.

“Ow!”

“...But Trixie still wants wants an apology for whatever you and that heat-struck narwal were plotting to do!”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry! Just don’t hit me with that ruler again. That kinda stung.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie shall do whatever she wants with a ruler.” she snapped dignifiedly. “Come, let us make Spike relinquish the bathtub.”

The two unicorns walked upstairs, where Spike was bathing. Like any child, Spike had the tendency to play with a bajillion floating toys in the bathtub. You look me in the eye right now, and tell me that you don’t remember playing with your toys in the tub until your fingers became miniature prunes. It was even more fun with bubbles. You could have SO much fun with bubbles. You could make a manly beard out of them, or just group them together to form one big bubble mountain. Spike had a countless supply of plastic dinosaur figures and toy ships, so he could have epic wars with an army of scaled beasts versus the Equestrian Navy.

But not today. Today, he was reenacting Titanic, starring a mini-Spike he personally made himself, and a tiny Rarity as the leading lady. (Listen to this while reading for added mushiness.)

“Oh, Spike!” Faux-Rarity swooned. “I never knew you were so good at ballroom dancing. You’re such the gentlecolt.”

“It’s nothing,” said Fake-Spike in a deeper, more masculine voice than the real Spike owned. “I’ve had years of practice ever since I went through puberty.”

“You’ve gotten much more dreamy, too,” complemented Faux-Rarity. “It’s a good thing this ship is unsinkable; I never want this night to end.”

“But the night has to end, for tomorrow could benefit so much from our love.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that see a bright future ahead of us, and I want to spend it with you.”

“Oh, Spike!” Faux-Rarity proclaimed again.

“Princess Rarity... will you be my wife?”

“YES! Oh, a thousand times yes! I have waited so long for that question from you!”

They kissed repeatedly, bashing themselves together in a clumsy manner with two gigantic dragon hands to guide them.

But all was not well, because a giant iceberg of bubble suds was in the path of the good ship S.S. RariSpike.

“Look out!” said the captain, whom Spike didn’t think up a name for. “We’re going to crash!”

“Not if I can help it,” proclaimed Fake-Spike.

“Spike, don’t!” screamed Princess Rarity. “I don’t want to lose you! Not while we can still have our happily ever after!”

“I must do this,” said Fake-Spike dutifully. “As much as I love you, there are thousands of innocent lives aboard this ship.” He flew up across the gap between the ship and the iceberg with his fully-developed dragon wings, and started punching the menacing suds.

It was then Real-Life-Spike was pulled out of the tub with Dusk Shine’s magic, and dried off with a towel. Thus, the romance story of a generation was tragically cut short. (Along with the soundtrack. You can stop listening to Celine Dion now.)

“You’ve had enough time in the tub, Spike,” said Dusk. “Time to go back to that chore list you’ve letting pile up.”

“Awww, but we haven’t even finished the second act!” Spike complained.

“We’ll make it a two-parter,” Trixie said flatly. “Now, Trixie is going out to get fitted for her Gala dress. Hopefully, Rarity can make Trixie look more great and powerful than usual for the Grand Galloping Gala. Trixie shall be a while.” With that, Trixie went out the door.

With Trixie gone, Dusk let out a sigh of relief as he headed downstairs. He continued down to the basement, carrying Spike with him. “Spike, forget the chores. There’s an important matter that needs discussing.”

“Oh no,” Spike groaned. “Not The Chart again!”

The Chart was one of the best-kept secrets in Ponyville. Only Dusk Shine and Spike knew of its existence. It was created after Dusk and his friends decided to share the Gala tickets. The Chart was not restricted to one sheet of parchment, but filled up an entire room with all the information it had. The said room was accessible by a hidden trapdoor in the library basement, right next to the door to Dusk’s personal fallout shelter. It was lit by one, singular light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

The Chart itself was a mass of wall-to-wall notes, connections, side notes, theories, and every fact Dusk knew about Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie (along with Pinkamena), Luna, Trixie, and last but not least, Fluttershy. The Chart had one, singular purpose: To keep track of every conceivable aspect of Dusk’s romantic life, and possibly aid him in deciding on (and maintaining) a special somepony. Again, it filled an entire freaking room, and it constantly grew in size and complexity.

Spike knew about The Chart because Dusk learned back in middle school that research is always more effective with a secondary opinion. Whenever some new aspect of Dusk’s love life came into being, he recorded it on The Chart and discussed it with Spike. Spike quickly grew tired of going down to the dusty old room, especially when he learned that Dusk and Rarity shared their first kiss during a certain slumber party.

That said, he wasn’t happy at all when he learned what happened in Carousel Boutique today.

“She kissed you again??” Spike gasped. “I’m seriously beginning to think that you forgot that I called dibs on her!”

“I’m sorry Spike, she just came onto me,” Dusk apologized to his surrogate brother. “Besides, you agreed with me when we made The Chart that I would take serious consideration that you might end up with Rarity.” Dusk tallied today’s events into The Chart with quick precision. “I haven’t made any move to provoke Rarity. She acted all on her own.” He tapped his chin in thought. “In fact, I’ve barely done anything at all to provoke anypony since I came to Ponyville.” He started to write down something down in the section of The Chart labeled Options and Dating Methods:

Take the initiative.

“What does that mean?” asked Spike, scratching his head in confusion.

“It means I’m going to take the offensive before one girl goes and claims me for herself.” Dusk said, a sense of pride swelling in his gut. He was feeling extra-confident today.

“You don’t mean-”

“Yes Spike, I mean. I’m going to ask one of these mares out on a date!” he announced with gusto.

“Which one?” inquired Spike.

The question itself pierced through Dusk’s ego and drove him speechless, for he was unsure of his answer. He fumbled over his options.

“Ummm... Fluttershy, I guess.” he mumbled with a blush.

“Yeah, I’d like to see how that one goes,” said Spike with a smirk.

Author's Notes:

So, that’s how Princess Cadence was created from a failed supersoldier experiment designed by a half-insane dictator.

God, this fic is weird.

Anyway, we’re going to take a small time off from the silliness so Fluttershy and Dusk can have a date. It’ll be a break from Rarity making dresses and will have nothing to do with the episode itself. We’ll call it an “intermission chapter.” You know, so we can get to the actual overall plot of the fanfiction?

...

...STOP LAUGHING.