Rainbow Dash was wearing a feather boa, two pairs of high heels, a raspberry-colored sun skirt, and an enormous hat adorned with a lovely array of fake flowers. Her makeup had taken hours to perfect that morning. She sat down, placing her rhinestone-studded purse beside her chair. As always, she looked absolutely fabulous.

“One low-fat decaf latte, Darling,” she told the waiter. She was at a Starbucks in Canterlot, a native territory for intellectuals, hipsters, and in her case, fashionistas. “And a scone.”

“Are you expecting anypony else, Madame?” asked the waiter.

“Two, actually,” replied the overdressed pegasus, “and I do very much believe one had just arrived.”

“Rainbow, how lovey to see you again!” said a yellow unicorn with a snobby demeanor about her. “Whenever was the last time we sat down to have tea?”

“Why, I shan’t remember Upper Crust,” confessed Rainbow Dash. “Do you mind if I pay for your drink in order to make it up to you?”

“What are best friends for?” said Upper Crust with a charming smile. “So, what has been, as the kids say, ‘going on’ with you lately?”

“I’m glad you asked, Darling! Last month, I got accepted into the Wonderbolts,” Dash said, “but that’s a minor detail. To tell the truth, my high for that week was the shopping spree on Saturday!” They shared a flowery, ladylike laugh. “So, what’s been new with you?”

“Well, I’ve been catching up on the latest gossip,” whispered Upper Crust scandalously. “For example, did you know that Hoity Toity is dating… a minotaur?”

Rainbow Dash let out a dramatic, theatrical gasp. “Really?”

“Oh yes,” nodded her BFF. “He was seen at The Crop and Paddle, shopping for bondage with her, of all things.”

Just then, Rainbow Dash’s second appointment rode in on a taxi. She hopped down, her expression was in morning.

“Scootaloo, hello dear!” said Dash. “You really ought to do something with that mane of yours. That thing looks like a rat’s nest!” Upper Crust nearly fainted at the word, ‘rat.’

“Dash, we need to talk,” Scootaloo said in the upmost serious tone. “You’ve changed. A lot.”

“Well, I do suppose I gone and… switched a few interests,” admitted Rainbow Dash. “But I assure you, I am still… what’s the word? Ah-some, is it? Sum with an awe?”

“You call turning a complete 180 and moving to Canterlot, ‘switching a few interests?’” Scootaloo blurted, fighting back tears. “Let me tell you something: Whoever you are now, you’re not Rainbow Dash. In fact, you’re dead to me. Literally dead. I held a funeral this morning with the Rainbow Dash fan club.”

“Darling…”

“Don’t call me that! Never call ANYPONY that!” she raged. “I quit!”

Dash blinked. “You… quit? Quit being what?”

“I, Scootloo, hereby quit being your number-one fan, sidekick, and personal lackey. Go buck yourself!”

“Now, it’s unladylike to use that sort of language,” scolded Dash. “Besides, you’re overreacting. I haven’t changed that much, have I?”

Scootaloo looked at her ex-idol like she had just asked if fish had tails. “You redesigned the Wonderbolt’s uniform. Into a ball gown.”

“Well, they were stuck with the same drab old outfit for over fifty years, and I thought it would be a change of pace.”

“You didn’t design a colt’s edition! The stallion members have to go stunt flying in a DRESS! Nopony even takes the Wonderbolts seriously anymore because of you!” Scootaloo took a deep breath, having let her anger all out. Her eyes were red and puffy. “I’m sorry Rainbow Dash, but I can’t be seen in public with you for more than a few minutes. The other kids will make fun of me otherwise.”

“But where am I supposed to get another number-one fan?” Rainbow Dash whined.

“Don’t worry, I’ve found a volunteer.”

“Hello!” said Diamond Tiara, trotting out of the taxi. “We’re going to have so much fun together, Miss Rainbow!”

“NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Rainbow Dash screamed at the top of her lungs, tossed violently out of her nightmare. Sweat trickled her brow. The sheets were wet with visible, yellow fear. Terror pounded her heart as she sat up straight. “It was only a dream!” she panted, her lungs hungry for air. “Itwasonlyadream! Itwasonlyadream! Itwasonlyadream! Itwasonlyadream! Itwasonlyadream! Itwasonlyadream! Itwasonlyadream!” She rocked herself in her seat, hugging her cloud pillow in fright.

“Quiet down, babe,” Gilda groaned, exhausted and cranky. “Go back to sleep.”

“Gilda, what are you doing here?” Rainbow Dash said in confusion.

“Don’t you remember? We’ve been married for twenty-seven years now. You quit the Wonderbolts so we could raise a family.”

“GAAHHH!!!!” Rainbow Dash gasped, bolting upright in her sofa. Her real, non-imaginary sofa. She had fallen asleep watching the complete series of Trotter, Dodge Junction Ranger on Neightflix. Cheesy Poofs and beer cans littered the floor.

“Well, that second one was just downright creepy,” she muttered to herself. She checked herself. Her breath smelled like a dumpster, she had forgot to shower, she had a raging hangover that made her want to turn into Nightmare Moon just so she could put out the sun, but her mane was still absolutely perfect.

“Hmmm,” she thought aloud, “gonna need to reinforce my coolness, just to be safe.” She looked in her closet, and found a smelly old black leather jacket. She had bought it in her teen years because she thought it made her look like a biker, and that was useful for avoiding creeps that hit on her when she went to the club.

“This will do nicely,” she said grinning proudly as her admired her tough look in the mirror, “But it needs to be about… 20% cooler.” She whipped out the most swag-tastic sunglasses she could find, and put on a baseball cap that was custom-made with her cutie mark on it. It didn’t hide her mane, but a part of her sensed the whole outfit clashed, and that gave her a warm sense of security.

As she flew downstairs, she came upon the biggest mess she had ever seen occur in her house. The kitchen was a disaster, and it was swarming with parasprites. Everywhere she looked, food was being opened. unpackaged, un-canned, and eaten.

“Where did all you freaks come from?”

Suddenly, they all stopped. Hundreds upon hundreds of adorable eyes looked at her simultaneously. As in, all at once. She found this unnerving and waaaay creepier than the Gilda dream. They all smiled at her. It was the kind of smile one sees at the reef, right after one’s boat sinks. That smile is usually attached to something with fins and multiple rows of teeth.

“Why are all of you staring at me like that? D-don’t come any closer, I’m warning you! Stay back! Stay baaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Stop it, that tickles! BWHAHAHAHA! No, not the hooves! I hate getting my hooves touched! Get away from them, I beg you! You can do anything, just don’t touch my-
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEEEEEEEEEE!”

This went on for ten minutes straight. You heard me, ten whole minutes nonstop. The parasprites were a cruel and merciless breed, and they took no prisoners. When her torturers finally got bored, ‘Tickle Me Rainbow’ had nearly forgotten how to breathe. She was lying on the floor, her heart rate still going a mile a minute. Her face was colored in every shade of blue, except the one it was supposed to be. She got herself to stand, but her legs trembled like a newborn lamb’s.

She opened her mouth to say the worst insult she could think of, but single-syllable noise came out before she had the chance.

*HIC!*

The room roared with tiny, high-pitched, mocking laughter. Rainbow Dash hung her head in shame. She hated the hiccups. When she got them, it was never little tics of exhaled air. Instead, it was violent short-lived explosions of caps-lock-enhanced irritation that made her flinch every time. They made her feel powerless and weak, and that wasn’t her style at all.

“Stop laughing, it ain’t-HIC-funny! Now I have to-HIC-try out every-HIC-known way to-HIC-cure these things! You know why, you little HIC-s? BECAUSE IT’S DIFFERENT EVERY HIC-ING TIME!”

If the parasprites had any concern, they didn’t show any. They just smiled their cute little smiles, and charged at Dash again.

My name is Mr. Munchies 405.89324570827523. I was born in a library, and our caretakers are waking up. The buzz feels good. There is no more of the Snack in here, and we wait for our ponies to go outside, where they can distribute us to other ponies. A few unforeseen factors came into play last night, however.

First and foremost, there is no possible way we could all fit inside even the biggest, longest, hairiest mane in Equestria. The buzz feels good. Maybe we could disguise ourselves as an afro? That could work. Mr. Munchies 338.283749023147 says otherwise, but what does that idiot know? He probably can’t even think inside the chimney. The buzz feels good.

Second, from what our Great Ancestor, Mr. Munchies the 1st remembers, all of us in the library alone out number all the ponies in Ponyville. How are they going to distribute us one at a time? That’ll take forever! The buzz feels good. We will have to move on to the next town, once all of the Snack here is depleted. The buzz feels good.

The purple unicorn is the first to wake up. He seems panicked. Why is he panicking? The buzz feels good. He wakes up the others, which also are surprised. They start yelling in worried tones.

“Where did they all come from?” the blue one says. “The Great and Powerful Trixie remembers that we only possessed one each!”

“I don’t know!” says the baby dragon. “Do you think it was something in the chocolate bar I fed him past midnight?”

Ah, the candy bar. I remember that one. That was some gooood Snack. My mouth waters a bit in nostalgia of a memory I never experienced for myself. The buzz feels good.

“Well, we have to do something! They’re knocking over stuff all over the place, and it’s making a mess! Oh, I hope we can clean up in time for the Princess!” His train of thought goes to a darker place. I can see it in his eyes that he had the most disturbing notion. “What about the other ponies I gave these things to?”

My name is Mr. Munchies 46.0742831094. Mistress Rarity is a kind and loving tyrant, keeping us busy with chores, cleaning, and mass producing her dress lines. It is a hard life, put we are treated to her near-bottomless supply of cat food, and our only fear is Opalescence, the Accursed One. The buzz feels good.

“I don’t know how in Equestria you can reproduce so quickly, or how you even do it without any… ‘unmentionables’ to speak of,” the Mistress says, admiring a scarf I made personally, “But you are the most helpful little darlings a girl could ask for. I mean, you’ve done more work than Spike the whole time I’ve known him!”

I am pleased by this observation. The buzz feels good. Suddenly, I feel a familiar sensation is my innards. I gag; something is stuck in my throat. Mistress Rarity cocks her head, unsure of what is going on.

“What is it? Are you sick?”

I cough, hack, and sputter, and I finally spew a new parasprite into the world. Unfortunately, my newborn lands on my Mistress’s face. Its body is unstable at first, so it takes the form of a slimy mound of bile and stem cells. The buzz feels good.

“Ew, how revolting! Now I’ll have to re-apply my makeup all over again!” She turns to me. “Well? What do you have to say for yourself?”

There’s a few seconds of me wondering why she’s so upset. What’s the matter with her? Doesn’t the Mistress want more servants? More labor? The brown lump on her face springs to life, ready to serve and obey.

“Hello, child.” I say to the newborn. “My name is Mr. Munchies 405.89324570827523. As your belch-sire, I name you Mr. Munchies 406.89324570827523. How do you feel?”

“Hungry,” says Mr. Munchies 406.89324570827523. “The buzz feels good.”

“Amen, young one. Come, let’s find you some of the Snack.”

“How… how… how DISGUSTING!” shrieks Mistress Rarity. “No creature that behaves so uncouth is allowed to take residence in my shop! Get out, all of you!” Before any of us can object, she grabs us with her magic one by one, storing us all in her saddlebags. It takes a whole hour, but she manages to capture us all. Right before I get shoved into our makeshift concentration camp, I can see Opalescence in the corner, grinning like she had just saw her most hated enemy executed before her.

Rarity jogged out of Carousel Boutique in a slightly nervous manner, her saddlebags humming impatiently. She wasn’t as far as ten feet before Pinkie Pie did what she did best: popping out of nowhere.

“Hey, Rarity! Enjoying your new pets?” she said, raising her eyebrows suggestively. “Well, while you have been training your own bug-powered factory of fabulousity, I’ve been actually addressing the issue! (Sort of.)”

Rarity was taken aback by her friend’s comment. “How did you I know I was training them?”

“Easy-peasy-one-two-threesy!” Pinkie said in a playful voice. “My tongue got all tingly, so that meant that you were overstocked on merchandise. I got a loopy pancreas too, so that meant somepony was breaking animal labor laws!” She leaned over close so she could whisper in the marshmallow’s ear. “Don’t worry, you’re secret’s safe with me.”

Rarity was about to say her pre-planned alibi, but then she noticed that Pinkie was carrying a pile of random junk in a red wagon.

“Darling, why are you carrying all that duct tape?” the unicorn asked, a worried look weighing down her brow.

“Because the silly string wasn’t sticky enough,” Pinkie sighed, as if she was explaining to a foal why it wasn’t okay to pick your nose in public. “Really Rarity, you’ve got to know when you try something like I whatever I’m planning to do, you’ve always got to make super-duper sure that you have a reliable adhesive at your disposal.” The party animal rolled her eyes. “It’s like, rule number one.”

Rarity just stared.

“Welp,” said Pinkie, breaking the awkward silence, “I gotta find myself fifteen more gingerbread houses. I’ve got to remember not to eat them all this time!”

Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, Rarity spoke up. “Have you been gathering things for a project you don’t even know the outcome of since yesterday?”

“Thaaaat’s right!”

“And all this time you still don’t know?”

“Nopey-dopey-lopey.”

Rarity let out an exasperated sigh. “And why did you start this in the first place?”

“Sorry Rares, I can’t answer that question. It would be breaking the you-know-what.”

“The you-know-what?”

“Well, technically you don’t know what the you-know-what is, but that’s the entire point of calling it ‘the you-know-what’ isn’t it?”

“…I don’t understand.”

“Exactly,” said Pinkie Pie, nodding sagely.

My name is Mr. Munchies 1,056.748243217157123. Our home is the cottage of Fluttershy , along with our battlefield. Since this morning, we have been at war with Clan Cottontail, along with all the other furry residents in the house. The buzz feels good. Every scrap of the Snack is something to be fought over.

Their leader, Angel Cottontail the Seventh is a master strategist, but we have the towering advantage in sheer numbers. They have taken prisoners, ripping off their wings and putting them on stakes while they’re still alive for gruesome display. There have been worse acts of slaughter still, but I shan’t mention them. The buzz feels good.

“Now, now,” says Fluttershy, the Spineless Provider, “Play nice, okay? Don’t you want to be friends with each other?” She is tired from a long night of trying to keep us all in check, not to mention taking round-the-clock trips to the convenience store to restore the ever-depleting supply of the Snack. Her breaths are slow and weary, and her eyes have humongous bags.

She doesn’t cause much trouble, so neither side of the war has any qualms with her. The buzz feels good.

Angel is leading another assault on our swarms. He and the other animals have been taking refuge in the several burrows and hidey-holes that are located throughout the cottage, while we roam about in the free space. The buzz feels good. He’s brought a new batch of catapults, armed with burning sulfur. Fire seems to be his main tactic in killing us, since we apparently taste delicious when roasted on a spit.

“DIE, FOUL HELLSPAWN!” Angel bellows as he gives the order to light the ammunition. “THIS LAND HAS ALWAYS BELONGED TO CLAN COTTONTAIL, AND IT ALWAYS SHALL!” The catapults fire, and the room is lit aflame.

“Hey!” scolds the Provider while putting out the inferno with a fire extinguisher, “Angel, what did I tell you about playing with matches? You’re getting a time-out, mister!” After getting a look that says, ‘I haven’t got time for this, wench’ from Angel, she shrinks back in submission. “Oh, or you could go back to what you’re doing, that’s fine.”

The doors burst open, revealing three ponies. One is a purple unicorn stallion. The second is a white unicorn mare. The third is the most ridiculous pegasus I’ve ever seen. She has a rainbow-colored mane that is styled to perfection, a black leather jacket, some sunglasses, and a baseball cap. She also has a nasty case of the hiccups. All of them seem angry, but only for a second. Their eyes dart around the room, apparently horrified at how many of us there are.

I take no heed to them. The buzz feels good.

Parasprites flew out the doorway, searching for more food. Dusk Shine felt a few hairs spring out of place as he imagined what Princess Celestia might think about an infestation of this magnitude.

Don’t worry about it Dusk, he reassured himself. It’s not like the Princess will hold you responsible… and send you back to magic kindergarten… and you’ll be a disgrace to your whole family… and Ponyville will be reduced to nothing but a barren wasteland-OH, LAUREN FAUST, WHO AM I KIDDING? I’M DOOMED! PONYVILLE IS DOOMED! EQUESTRIA IS DOOMED! MASS HYSTERIA! DOG AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER! APOCOLYPSE IS IMMINENT! SOCIETY WILL CRUMBLE AT THE FOUNDATIONS OF-Calm down, Dusk. Clam the buck down. Remember what happened last time you got this freaked out. Deep, relaxing breaths. We don’t want another “wake up with wings” incident, now do we? He managed to get his heart rate back at a relatively normal rate, but his hair was still all frizzy and messed up, which complimented his nervous eye twitch quite nicely.

“So, what do we do about-HIC-these buggers?” asked Rainbow Dash. “I was kinda hoping for-HIC-Fluttershy to solve the-HIC-problem, but I can see-HIC-that’s out of the-HIC-question.”

Fluttershy bowed her head, ashamed that she let her friends down. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know that they could breed this fast.”

“Well, I believe it is all of us who are to blame,” said Rarity, defending her best friend from her own low self-esteem. “We each took one as a pet, remember?”

As the four ponies wondered how they could eradicate the swarm as humanely as possible (or would it be “as equine-ly as possible?”), Applejack rode up to the cottage, pulling a cart filled to the brim with apples.

“Hey Fluttershy,” greeted the farmer, “Ah got them apples ya wanted, but Ah don’t see why ya wanted so many of-“

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

“…Oh.”

That’s when inspiration hit Dusk. “I know! Nopony herds creatures like Applejack, right?”

“Except Fluttershy, who’s spe-HIC-ciel talent taking care of ani-HIC-mals,” Rainbow Dash pointed out. “And she did such a wonderful HIC-ing job with reasoning with these things.”

“Shut up and let me indulge in false hope,” whispered Dusk Shine through his teeth. “So Applejack, how do you feel about a little unscheduled practice for the next rodeo?”

“Shoot, Ah’m down fer it,” AJ grinned. “Besides, no varmint goes an’ eats up Apple family merchandise without payin’ first!”

With that, they started to round up the parasprites. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash took to the skies, while the rest gathered the winged munchkins near the ground. Eventually, they somehow got them all to form a living, compact ball of cuteness.

“Great job!” congratulated Applejack. “Now, let’s roll these critters into th’ Everfree Forest, so they can be somepony else’s problem!” Everypony cheered. As they rolled the sprite-ball nearer and nearer to the woods, Pinkie Pie showed up.

“Hey, Dashie!” said the pink rocket of sugar and happiness. “Love the new manecut. You look just like Rarity! ”

“Go-HIC-yourself, Pinkie,” Dash said bluntly.

“Anyway,” Pinkie continued, allowing the courtesy for Rainbow’s harsh retort slip by, “I need your help on this project of mine. So, and I know it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but I need you to drop what you’re doing and help me find some size-six basketball shoes!”

“What’s basketball?” said Dusk.

“Huh? We don’t have basketball in Equestria?” Pinkie said, utterly surprised. “Oh no, that’s terrible! New thing on the agenda, then: We need to figure out a way to dribble a ball while on all fours, invent a sport involving it, and make some shoes specifically to play that sport! Follow me!” With that, she ran off.

When she realized that nopony was following her, she backtracked to the sprite-ball. “I said, ‘Follow me,’ not ‘ignore what I’m saying because you’re following the script!’ Don’t you guys want to invent basketball?”

“Pinkie, you are so-HIC-random.”

With a frustrated “UGH!” Pinkie gave up and walked away, mumbling to herself that she had to do whatever she was doing all alone with absolutely no help.

When they finally got all the parasprites into the Everfree Forest (which, as an unrelated fact, resides near TWO towns: Ponyville and Fillydelphia), our heroes celebrated with a round of high-fives high-hooves and high-wings. After that, they walked back to Fluttershy’s house for a well-deserved breakfast.

But when they opened the door, a even bigger swarm of parasprites came flying out like a typhoon.

“How did they DO that?” Dusk gawked.

“Well, I may have kept just one…” admitted Fluttershy, a lone parasprite flying out of her mane.

“Wait a minute,” thought Rarity out loud, “You were hiding that thing in your mane the whole time, correct?”

“Yes, but I’m sorry about that…”

“I know you’re sorry Darling, but I want to confirm something,” said the white mare. “Did you or did you not hide that single bug in your mane?”

“Well, that what I said…”

“And you’re sure ALL of the others flew outside when we first came to your house?”

“I think I heard Angel and his playmates having a ceremony to celebrate their victory and glory, so yeah, I guess all the bugs escaped.”

“…And their only way to reproduce was the single one hiding inside your mane?”

“…Yes…”

“SO WHY DID THE NEW ONES COME FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE AGAIN??”

“I have no clue,” said Rainbow Dash, shrugging, “but this ain’t the-HIC- time to wonder how they came.” She took out some goggles she normally used for weather patrol. “This-HIC-is the time to tackle the problem tor-HIC-nado style!”

Dash flew in a low altitude, going around in fast circles. Eventually, she gathered enough velocity to create a miniature whirlwind. It sucked up all the parasprites, acting like a vacuum.

“Hey, everypony!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing an orange ball up and down. “I’ve finally invented basketball now! So, the next thing we need to get is-WAAAAHHHH!” She was cut off as her ball was sucked up in the tornado as well. “I WAS USING THAT!”

Rainbow Dash had no time to apologize however, mostly because a basketball had just smacked her in the face and made her spin out of control. The cyclone dispersed, leaving the parasprites to descend on the unsuspecting residents of Ponyville.

“Nice going Pinkie,” the daredevil said angrily. “That plan would’ve worked if you hadn’t showed up.”

“Actually,” said Dusk matter-of-factly, “You need approximately 100 wingpower to maintain a proper tornado, so technically you would’ve failed anyway.”

“Who asked you, nerd?”

Trixie huffed. Once again, Dusk had sent her to clean up the freshly remade mess in the library, this time while he went off to find out a way to handle the new pest problem. With Spike help, she had painstakingly alphabetized every book they had. Once the two had finished the job, they were free to go outside for some fresh air.

Trixie immediately regretted taking the ‘fresh air’ option, due to the fact that the strange bugs that Dusk Shine had dealt with earlier were slowly and gracefully falling to the streets of the marketplace like the first snow of winter.

Worse yet, it seemed like they had brought friends. Lots of them.

Unknowing to the horrors that the tiny abominations were capable of, the townsfolk greeted them with open hooves and affectionate coos.

“Look how cute they are!”

“I want one!”

“You look hungry, do you want some of my ice cream?”

“Wow, they sure eat a lot.”

“Hey, you have to pay for that casserole!”

“Mommy, that bug ate my candy bar!”

“The horror, the horror!”

“Save the muffins, Dinky! For Celestia’ sake, SAVE THE MUFFINS!

Upon an outdoor café table, Lyra Heartstrings said nothing, she just looked onto the horizon with the saddest look in her eye, trying to fight back tears. Nopony asked why she looked so sad, but Bon-bon would from that day forward always wonder what was about that slice of pie that her fiancée cared so much about.

Dusk galloped over to town square with his friends. The town of Ponyville was in complete chaos. Ponies were screaming in panic as the decoration were ruined by stray parasprites causing a mess.

“What do we do?” asked Fluttershy.

At first, Dusk didn’t know how to answer. Then, an idea came to him like a bolt of lightning. “Zecora!” he exclaimed. “She lives in the Everfree Forest, so no doubt she knows what these things are, and how to stop them.” He took a random parasprite with levitation magic, and ran off into the woods.

“My, oh my,” said Zecora when Dusk came bursting in with the unknown bug. “Is that a parasprite I see before my eyes?”

“That’s what they’re called?” panted Dusk, his purple coat covered in sweat from dashing and stress. “Whatever. The point is that they’re all over Ponyville, and I need a way to stop them in 15 minutes and 35.8 seconds.”

“Forgive this question of mine,” said Zecora, cocking an eyebrow, “but why are you so focused on the time?”

“I’m counting down the tenths-of-a-second until Princess Celestia arrives,” Dusk explained. “And we’re running out! Now, what do you know about these ‘parasprites?’”

“Tales of lands ravaged and crops consumed,” Zecora said in her cryptic tone and mysterious demeanor, “if these creatures are in Ponyville...”

“... you’re doomed,” she finished matter-of-factly.

“You’re not going to help?” Dusk said in disbelief. “There’s nothing you can do?”

“Like I said, all hope is lost,” the zebra said. “All you can do now is pray to Lauren Faust.”

Dusk thought for a moment, trying to come up with a way to motivate the hermit. “Wait a minute! You have to help us! If these things run over Ponyville, they’ll come for you next!”

“If you think I’m staying here, a brain is what you’re lacking,” Zecora informed him. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to start packing.”

Pinkie Pie took a moment to catch her breath. She had painstakingly hauled all her junk to her bedroom in Sugarcube Corner. It was not your average bedroom, filled to the brim with balloons waiting to be inflated, streamers stored in the cupboards, and candy securely stashed in every hiding place possible in case of the very frequent situation where Pinkie got hungry. But the most impressive feature about the bedroom was the one that Pinkie installed out of her own pocket: a built-in, fully-stocked kitchen that had its own stove and microwave. After all, she needed it in case of cupcake emergencies.

She wiped some sweat from her brow as she licked her dry lips in nervous anticipation. She figured she had gathered enough items and stalled enough time to put together a fully proper deus ex machina now, but she had her doubts. To be more accurate, Pinkamena had her doubts.

[Pinkie, are you sure this will work?] her darker side said as Pinkie began to wield together two of the first objects with a blowtorch.

"I have no idea!" the pink earth pony cackled madly, smiling like she was on the most exciting roller coaster in the world.

Dusk Shine galloped back to Ponyville, where the others were waiting for him. The situation had gotten worse. Parasprites were beginning to cover more of the sky than the clouds themselves at this point. In this sense, less and less sunlight shone on the village, as the tiny pests blotted out more and more airspace. It looked like the sun itself had given up hope on the doomed residents of the small, backwater town, and many at the time believed that this was a metaphorical sign that Celestia had given up on them too.

“Well?” said Trixie expectantly. “Did Zecora tell you anything useful?”

“No,” he said in defeat, “she didn’t. Looks like we’re going to have to solve this one on our own.”

“Oh, what shall we do?” moaned Rarity in despair. “It seems that this might be our final hour, Dusk!” She threw herself at him, nuzzling his neck in seek of comfort. “Please, let’s go back to the safety of my home so you may make me feel like a mare one last time!”

“Hold it right there!” Trixie objected. “The Great and Powerful Trixie thinks you might be blowing this out of proportion. Sure, we might lose all our food today, but that doesn’t mean you should use it as an excuse to bang Dusk.”

“Thank you, Trixie,” Dusk Shine said as he released himself from Rarity’s grasp, “We shouldn’t give up hope. After all, we could get the whole town to do what Applejack tried to do earlier.” He looked around. “Where is Applejack, by the way?” he asked. “We need her to instruct the townsfolk on what to do.”

“She went to protect her orchard,” answered Fluttershy. “She yelled something about ‘every produce farmer for herself.”

There was a slight pause, and then Trixie spoke up. “You know, Trixie now thinks that she sees why Rainbow Dash is the Element of Loyalty instead of that mare.”

“This is no time to be judgmental!” Dusk snapped. “We have a crisis on our hooves! The Princess could be here any minute! Now, all I need is a few precious seconds to think…”

And so he thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

“I’ve got it!” he shouted in enthusiasm. “I’ll cast a spell that will stop them from eating the food!”

Fluttershy looked him in startled confusion. “Wait, what?”

“How do you know a spell like that?” questioned Spike. “And another thing, how could you prepare it in the first place? It’s not like you knew that these things were going to overrun Ponyville, did you?”

“I didn’t,” said Dusk. “I’ll just make up a spell.”

“On the spot?” said Rainbow Dash in disbelief. “I’m no expert on magic, but that sounds kinda dangerous. I mean, I’m sorta the risk-taker of the group, but even when I make up a new flying stunt, I at least test it out first.”

Due to foal abuse laws, Dash left out the part that she ‘tested out’ her new stunts with Scootaloo on a catapult, but she still had a valid point.

“I have a cutie mark in magic,” insisted Dusk. “Trust me; I know what I’m doing.”

My name is Mr. Munchies 9,609,245,287.7582193123874923975450579312465. At least, I think it is. The numbers are starting to fuse together with the memories of my belch-sires. The buzz feels good.

I am flying over to more of the Snack, another barrel of celery. It is beginning to be difficult to maneuver with all the other parasprites around, but it’s worth it. Our collective buzz is thunderous, and I am happy. I wish it could stay like this forever. The noise shakes me to the very core and explodes out of me like a thousand roars of a flock of dragons. The feeling is glorious.

Suddenly, there is a wave of magical purple light, covering us all. It fades as quickly as it came, and I do not feel any different, so I take it with a grain of salt.

I reach a stalk of celery on the ground, my mouth drooling in anticipation. I take a bite and spit it out in disgust. Yuck! What did I just eat?? HOW COULD YOU, SNACK?!! HOW COULD YOU EVER BETRAY ME?!!! I look around frantically, searching for something to consume.

Beans? Revolting.

Ice cream? Tastes like vomit.

Pretzels? Garbage.

Eggs benedict? My tongue will never be the same.

Sour cream with potato chips? Wouldn’t feed it to my worst enemy.

Pizza with mushrooms, black olives, green peppers and a crust stuffed with extra cheese? PART OF MY SOUL JUST DIED.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I take a chomp of a sofa in somepony’s home in desperation, hoping it will resemble the Snack I once knew and loved.

…Actually, that’s not half bad.

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

I tell my fellow parasprites the wonderful news: The Snack hasn’t abandoned us! In fact, there’s more of it than ever! My taste buds are all a twitter with all the new foods I can try.

Bricks and wood sandwich? Delectable!

Rooftop shingles soufflé? A treat to behold!

A clump of an unsuspecting filly’s tail? Cuisine for royalty!

A designer dress belonging to Mistress Rarity? Simply divine!

For desert, an entire barn located in an apple orchard? DEAR CHAOS AND DISHARMONY, I’M IN HEAVEN, BABY!

Ponies screamed and ran in terror. On the bright side, the parasprites were no longer eating the food. Many citizens were already planning on leaving town, saying goodbye to their homes and loved ones.

Dusk Shine was a complete mess. His mane and tail were in a shape that looked like it survived a hurricane. His pupils were miniscule in size, and they darted around nervously. He twitched every time he thought about Princess Celestia, which was every millisecond or so.

“Alrighty folks,” he said with a downright unsettling smile plastered his face, which all he could do to stop himself from screaming, sobbing, or killing somepony that got too close and made a sudden movement, “Princess Celestia will be here in… 34.67 seconds! So, all we need to do is build an exact replica of Ponyville right over there, and she won’t send any one of us to magic kindergarten.”

Nopony paid attention.

“Chop-chop, folks! Presentation is key!”

Still, nopony paid attention.

A golden sky carriage was visible on the horizon. Celestia’s flowing rainbow mane could be made out if you looked close enough. Dusk’s heart rate leaped to humming bird levels, and his doctor would later say that he literally burst a vein at that moment, and would subscribe a medication for the purple unicorn’s blood pressure.

It’s too late, he thought as hung his head. Now, we can give up. There is no more room for hope beyond the point of denial. Now, how do I commit suicide before the Princess sends me to magic kindergarten? Hang myself? Jump off a building? Eat that casserole I found in the back of the fridge? Maybe I can borrow some cyanide from that one pony I met at the Canterlot Science Convention-Wait, is that Pinkie Pie? What in Equestria is she doing?

My name is Mr. Munchies the 1st, and I have single-handedly created an empire.

It was difficult, but I have succeeded in restoring the parasprites to their former glory. We haven’t seen a swarm like this in centuries. My descendants refer to me as the Great Ancestor, and they sing songs of my triumphs. I only wish that Celestia and King Discord could both be here, so she could tremble at my supremacy, and he could reward me with a piece of chocolate. Or a piece of gravel, due to the Snack changing form. The buzz feels good.

Wait, what is that? It looks like Celestia is coming after all. I shall take great satisfaction in eating her mane bald. I chuckle to myself, the buzz resonating in my ears.

Hold on, what’s that sound coming from the other direction? It seems to be resonating from next to a pink earth pony.

The source looks like a parasprite, only it’s… not. The mock-parasprite’s “body” seems to be made of a hollowed-out bowling ball, and the “wings” are four tennis rackets, flapping to keep it aloft. There seems to be several other objects sticking out of it, but they are unidentifiable due to being masked by duct tape.

As the mock-parasprite draws closer, being somehow remote controlled by the pink pony, the sound it’s emanating out of a built-in stereo gets louder and louder, and I hear it in its entirety. It is a wondrous sound, more beautiful and joyful the buzz could ever hope to be. I hear cymbals clash, trumpets blow, and tubas fart, and I find it irresistible to dance to the music.

It is going someplace. We do not hesitate to follow.

Princess Celestia landed safely, and Dusk came running to her.

“Iswearit’snotmyfault!” he blurted. “I never meant anything to happen! Please forgive me, I have failed as a student and as a host!” He was bowing and kissing the ground at her hooves repeatedly.

“Dusk, what are you talking about?” asked Celestia. She looked over to Ponyville, or what was left of it. “…Oh. I see.”

Unable to say anything apart from the tears, Dusk just nodded, his head hung low.

“I see that you’ve come across a parasprite problem, my student,” she remarked casually, gesturing to the hordes of cute critters. Her expression was not her usual, understanding smile. Instead, it was a grimace of memories long past.

“You know what these are?” said a wide-eyed Dusk. “I haven’t seen anything like them in my books of biology or environmental science.”

“That’s because they’re supposed to be extinct, and they have no place in the environment,” Celestia said. “I remember these creatures all too well. In fact, I at first thought they all shriveled up and died when their creator, Discord, was sealed in stone. That was the usual fate of anything made by his magic when that happened.

“I was in for a big surprise after the time Nightmare Moon was sent to the moon. The parasprites hit us, real bad. We had to dump all our food in a forest, and burn the whole thing down once all the parasprites were lured in there. It was hard on everypony, but at least we exterminated them all. That is, until now.”

Celestia’s expression softened to a smile. “But it seems like we’re in luck. Your friend Pinkie Pie has apparently come up with a solution.”

“Wait, what?” said Dusk, looking toward the parasprites. They were all in a straight line, bouncing to a silly song that was coming out of a flying mechanical radio. It looked like a parade.

“Thanks, Your Highness!” said Pinkie Pie, bowing. She was covered in motor oil, grease and hay-noodle soup. She was wearing a utility belt crammed with every form of tool. She put down the wireless Neightendo 64 controller she was using to control her invention, set it on ‘auto-pilot,’ and wiped some sweat from her brow from a hard day’s work. “I’m happy to help!”

“What is this wonderful invention of yours called?” said the Solar Princess. “You’ll get a medal for it, I’m sure of that.”

“I call it, ‘The Spritebot!’” Pinkie Pie, holding her head high in pride. “It took two days to make, but I saved Ponyville from certain destruction!” She grinned ear to ear.

“Wait, that’s what you were doing this whole time?” Rainbow Dash gawked.

“Yeppers~!”

“Then what was the crowbar for?” Dusk wondered out loud.

“For the crowbar dispenser I installed, silly!” Pinkie scoffed. “You never know when you might have a crowbar emergency!”

Dusk blinked three times. “…What?”

*WHACK!*

“My balls!”

“Eureka, it works!”

“Well, we all appreciate what you’ve done for Ponyville Pinkie Pie,” Celestia said as her student nursed his stallionhood, “but I must be going. There’s another infestation in Fillydelphia, and I must attend to it immediately.”

“Yeeeeaaaahhhh…” said Fluttershy, fidgeting with her hooves. “We may have been at fault with that, seeing Fillydephia’s on the other side of the Everfree Forest, and we kind of rolled a giant ball of parasprites into there.”

“Well, I suppose I need your help again, Pinkie,” Celestia said. “By the way, where do you propose that we lead to the parasprites to, anyhow? We have to do something with them.”

“Ah know!” exclaimed Applejack. “We could build a big bonfire with th’ remains of mah barn that they ate up, and lead them all into there!”

“I approve of this plan,” Celestia agreed, keeping her professional, smiling complexion that she always had.

“Oh, and before I forget Dashie,” Pinkie added, pressing a button, “I also have this water dispenser!”

With a splash of cold H2O from the spritebot, Rainbow Dash’s manestyle was ruined, much to her satisfaction.

Oh, and Dusk got a boner from it.

With funding from Celestia, Pinkie Pie opened up a company for making spritebots. The ponies absolutely adored a solution for the parasprites, so Pinkie was regarded as a national hero. Every city, town and the ponies living in any possible area classified as civilization bought a few dozen spritebots, just in case they became infested.

What’s more, with so many spritebots sold and the assistance of their CEO predicting the stock market with deadly accuracy via Pinkie Sense, Spritebot industries became a multimillion-bit industry. Graciously, Pinkie Pie used her newfound wealth to restore Ponyville to its former glory before it was eaten by parasprites. However, due to legal complications, Pinkie had to purchase every piece of property in town in order to gain the right to repair it, making her the landlady of everypony in Ponyville, including the Mayor and Filthy Rich.

With her success and steady income of rent from all her neighbors, Pinkie Pie had enough money to retire comfortably. Despite that, she decided to keep her position at Sugarcube Corner, claiming all the bits in Equestria couldn’t buy her the happiness she felt baking sweets for all the satisfied customers that came into the shop.

That didn’t stop the little hypocrite from spending her money on other things that gave her happiness, though. She built three entire amusement parks a mile outside Ponyville: One for herself, one for her friends, and one for her toothless pet alligator.

Author's Notes:

So, in order to make a total of one, single spritebot, you need at least these items, plus a few unnamed objects:

-A bowling ball
-A restockable amount of crowbars
-A stereo
-Four tennis rackets
-A paddleball
-A noisemaker
-Some fuzzy dice (for stabilizing the engine in case it overheats with the plutonium supply)
-Exactly 4.78 gallons of soup
-A minimum of fifteen gingerbread houses
-A pair of size-six basketball shoes
-A wireless Neightendo 64 controller
-A bucket of water
-And a shitload of duct tape.

Eat your heart out, Kkat.