When Dusk Shine had first gotten Spike, he and Celestia encountered a small problem: Whenever the tiny baby dragon got a little too excited, he started to hump a random pony’s leg. This got Dusk kicked out of a lot of libraries, embarrassed both him and his teacher in several political affairs, and generally got Dusk in a lot of trouble. Eventually, Dusk had no choice but to have his dragon neutered. It was difficult, but they found a vet that was willing to operate.

Spike stopped humping ponies for a good ten months, but his surrogate brother soon found out a nasty surprise: The fact that all dragons were born with the means to fully regenerate their ballsack by springtime. Thus, Dusk had to go and get Spike neutered as an annual ritual, much like spring cleaning or planting the flower garden.

When Spike came to the appropriate age to think for himself (not to mention he was old enough to know what his testicles were used for), he demanded that he would be allowed to keep his manhood. Seeing that his number-one assistant was finally growing up, Dusk Shine agreed.

It wasn’t until the next spring afterward that they came across yet another surprise: Spike grew a second pair of testicles. Spike’s cycle of regenerating gentiles appeared to be that of much like the mighty deer, as in a new pair of fresh horns grew every mating season. There was one variation; as the buck’s horns fell off each winter, Spike kept his previous ballsack. It was extremely odd, because he never grew any more genitals than needed before he was neutered. (Celestia speculated that this was because Spike was possibly part hydra, but I digress.) Spike was ecstatic about this development, but sadly had to get rid of his second pair.

Thus began a new ritual: Every spring, Spike had to go to the special veterinarian in Canterlot to neuter his new testicles, and he got to keep the old ones. Of course this was still an extremely embarrassing subject to anyone involved, so they coined the phrase “Spike’s away on Royal Canterlot business” to not only avoid the topic entirely, but to also boost Spike’s reputation.

If you found this opening downright crude and disgusting and wish to forget about it immediately, I sincerely apologize for wasting your time, and thoroughly suggest bashing yourself over the head repeatedly with a sledgehammer, aluminum bat, or any bludgeon-like object you find convenient until you kill enough brain cells to banish the memory completely. If you don’t have a tool or weapon on you that’s not hard or heavy enough to cause blunt trauma or even a minor concusion, try the nearest wall to your computer.

………….

...You have the stoopids now? Good. Continue reading.

Outside, thunder and lightning crashed in the stormy weather. The weather team had missed the last few showers, so they had to conduct an enormous storm tonight to make up for it. Dusk and Trixie had the place all to themselves. They were completely alone.

A crack of thunder was heard from outside, and Applejack came stumbling in with Rarity. “Can we stay for the night?” they both said almost at once.

“What were you doing outside?” asked the librarian. “It’s pouring out there!”

“We know that,” said Applejack, “but our homes are halfway across town,”

“So, must we repeat: can we stay for the night, as your humble guests?” said Rairty. “After Applejack wipes her hooves outside, of course.”

“Hold yer horses!” argued the workhorse. “Ah ain’t going out in th’ rainstorm again!”

“Face facts,” said Rarity. “You’re tracking mud all over the floor, and besides, I wiped my hooves off in the rain, so it’s only fair.”

“What’s with all the commotion?” Trixie said walking out of her room. Not expecting company, she was wearing her hipster glasses and scarf. “The Great and Powerful Trixie was trying to sleep!”

“It’s just Rarity and Applejack,” explained Dusk. “They were caught in the thunderstorm, so they’re staying for the night.”

“What? No!” said Trixie. “Trixie will not stand for this!”

“Why not?” Dusk said, baffled. “Don’t tell me that you’re still bitter. You’ve made great progress so far!”

“Trixie isn’t talking about that,” she whispered, “she’s worried that these two living under the same roof will tear this place apart by sunrise.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” laughed the host. “Rarity and AJ don’t hate each other that much…” Meanwhile, Applejack walked back in solemnly, reminded that it is very, very hard to use a hose when you’re an earth pony, especially if the goal is to wash your own hooves. Rarity snickered as ladylike as possible, having watched the whole scene through a window with petty delight. Dusk looked at this example of their rivalry and let out a sigh.

“Okay, so maybe they do. But this is the perfect opportunity for us all to get to know each other a little better,” he offered hopefully.

“…You just want to have three girls sleep in the same house with you, don’t you?” deadpanned Trixie.

“SLUMBER PARTY!!!” announced Dusk, avoiding his student’s question.

“Ooo,” said Rarity, her eyes lighting up. “That sounds like fun!”

“Slumber party?” Applejack repeated. “Ain’t we a might old fer that?”

“Yes,” said Trixie, facehoofing, “yes we are.”

“Where’s Spike?” AJ asked.

“He’s on Royal Canterlot business,” said Dusk Shine with all the seemingly blissful ignorance of a child.

“Oh, where’s your inner filly, Applejack?” scoffed Rarity. “Don’t you want to have fun?”

“Where’s yer sense of chastity, Rares?” retorted the apple farmer.

“Oh, yeah?” said the fashionista, her temper rising. “Who are you to lecture a lady of chastity?”

“An’ what’s that supposed ta mean, huh?”

“Why, nothing Darling, I simply have trouble sleeping at times, what with all the sounds you and your BROTHER are making in the barn at unholy hours of the night.”

“Y’all take back what you jus’ said ‘bout Big Macintosh right now or yer gonna end up in a world of hurt!”

“Hey!” interrupted Dusk Shine, before things got out of hoof. “Let’s not get personal around here. Why not take our minds off with a game of truth or dare?” There was an exchange of glares between his guests, and after a solid minute, they nodded.

“Excellent,” he said smile, convince that everything was alright again. “Applejack, why don’t you start?’

“Truth,” picked AJ. “Ah ain’t going nothin’ ta hide, especially ‘bout mah family values.”

“Very well,” said Rarity. “Then answer this truthfully: Who was it that took your virginity, and what was it like?”

“It was dark,” the blond mare said non-specifically. “An’ Caramel couldn’t find th’ right hole.”

“Wow,” Rarity said, impressed. “That was easy. I suppose you do represent the Element of Honesty, Darling. And I owe you an apology. (Provided you’re talking about the Caramel I think you’re talking about, and not your cousin who’s a mare.).”

“Thank you,” said Applejack, satisfied. “Ya can’t believe every scrap of gossip ya hear at th’ spa, ya know.” She pointed at Trixie. “Now it’s yer turn: truth or dare?”

“Truth,” said Trixie.

“Mighty disappointin’,” said Applejack with a frown. “Ah was gonna dare ya ta not talk like yer th’ most important pony in th’ world fer the rest of the night. Fine, here’s th’ question: What can ya tell us about yer own family?”

“First of all,” Trixie said, slightly irritated. “Trixie is not that full of herself, because it’s not bragging if it’s true.”

“Somepony’s avoiding the question~!” said Rarity with a singsong voice.

“That’s because there’s not much about Trixie’s family to talk about,” Trixie defended.

“Okay, now you’ve just peaked my curiousity,” said Dusk. “You have to tell us now!”

“Very well,” said Trixie, defeated, “To start, before Trixie became The Great and Powerful Trixie you all know and love-”

”Define ‘love,’” Applejack murmured to herself.

“-she was simply Trixie, the 14th born among 16 sisters,” the blue magician revealed dramatically.

“Sixteen sisters?” the others cried out all at once.

“Yes,” Trixie said, soaking up their awe & attention. “We were a traveling show named ‘The Amazing Lulamoon Family Circus,’ hosted by our mother, Big Top. Because my sisters and I looked exactly alike, Mom thought it would be cute for all our names to rhyme. From oldest to youngest, we had Pixie, Mixie, Dixie, Quixie, Vixie, Fixie, Nyxie, Brixie, Rixie, Styxie, Wixie, Chixie, Drixie (no confusion with Dixie), Jixie, my great and powerful self, Lixie and Xyxie.”

While Rarity and Applejack shivered at the thought of fifteen other Trixies running around in Equestria, Dusk Shine tapped his chin with a hoof. “Did you say, ‘The Amazing Lulamoon Family Circus?’ Did you happen to know anypony there by the name of Presto?”

“What?” Trixie said indifferently. “You mean Trixie’s dad?”

“Omigoshomigoshomigosh…” said Dusk. “YOU’RE directly related to Presto the Magnificent?!!”

“Sorry if Ah ain’t with th’ times,” Applejack cut in. “But who in th’ hoof is ‘Presto the Magnificent?’”

“Indeed,” added Rarity with as much cluelessness. “I’ve never heard of him.”

“Who’s Presto the Magnifiecnt?” said Dusk like he was just slapped in the face. “Who is THE PRESTO THE MAGNIFICENT??? Girls, he’s only the most gifted user of illusion magic of his time! He was my foalhood hero! Before I got my cutie mark, I wanted to be just like him!” Dusk pulled a book from the shelf, rotating the bookshelf sideways to reveal a secret compartment he discovered when he moved into Ponyville. There, he had made a private celebrity shrine just for Presto, displaying several copies of his picture, a stallion with Trixie’s color scheme wearing a classic magician’s top hat and cape, twirling a waxed mustache that was the same light blue as his daughter’s mane. Presto plushies and figurines were placed carefully around the shrine, posed to appear to be reenacting all his famous stunts and tricks.

“Wow, Trixie,” Rarity said with a smirk. “You must be really enjoying this.”

“Actually,” Trixie gulped. “Trixie would normally be accepting fanfare like this with open hooves , but in this case… it’s creeping Trixie out.”

“You gotta tell me all his tricks!” Dusk begged. “Wait! No, I want his secrects to be kept forever. After all, a magician never reveals his methods. Nonono, I want you to tell me NOW! Don’t listen to me, whatever I say, don’t tell me a word! Listen to me; I want you to spill everything!!!”

“Ummm… can we go back to truth or dare?” requested Trixie.

“Oh,” said Dusk, a little ashamed. “Yeah, I just remembered: Presto went missing several years ago, and was never heard from since. I can understand if you don’t want to talk about your dead father.” His head hung low in guilt.

“Dad’s not dead,” the showmare dismissed with a wave of her hoof, like it was similar to her father simply went out to get the groceries. “He just changed his name and retired to some private island he bought. Said something about getting away from crazy fanboys like you.”

Dusk just blushed like he just danced the funky chicken in public while singing “Equestria Girls” at the top of his lungs.

“Now, Trixie believes it is the mashmallow’s turn,” she said, pointing at Rarity. “Truth or dare?”

“I shall pick dare,” Rarity said, her eyes narrowing. She still had a bone to pick with Trixie, since she never apologized for turning her mane green.

“Trixie dares you to-”

“Wait!” interrupted Applejack. “Ah have th’ perfect one fer Rarity, since Ah know her better.” Dusk felt the tension rise again, and shivered his spine.

Maybe I should just tell Applejack and Rarity that we have some spare umbrellas, send them on their way, and call it a night, he wondered.

“Ah dare ya ta stand in th’ rain an’ ruin that precious mane ya fret about every five minutes!” said Applejack with a grin.

…Then again, we could keep this up for a little while longer. thought Dusk.

Rarity looked like she was just told to jump in a pit of acid. With a trembling hoof, she opened the door with a creek. As she slowly nudged herself outside, she silently bid her manestyle a tearful goodbye. Rainwater drenched the drama queen to the bone, and Rarity swore she felt a small part of herself die a little. When she got back inside, she slammed the door with a scowl.

Dusk Shine marveled at the sheer beauty of Rarity. He didn’t know why he was so turned on by her mane getting wet, he just was. He often wondered if manes were a fetish of his, as the image of Rarity soaking wet kept him awake for countless nights.

Applejack laughed heartedly at Rarity’s expense. The fashionista was not amused.

“Alright,” she said, pointing at Applejack. “Now I dare you to put on the most frilly and fru-fru dress possibly imaginable!”

“Ah don’t think Dusk has any dresses,” Applejack said with sly smile.

“I can fix that,” said Rarity with a smile that was almost evil. “I never leave home without my sewing kit, after all. I just need that apron I’ve seen Spike wear while he served us tea that one time, some tablecloth, and some curtains…”

Oh no…. thought Applejack with dread, watching as Rarity’s eyes went from sinister to glamorous, her eyes glistening with ideas. Tell me she’s not gonna…

“In fact, it’s been the longest time I’ve done a full-body MAKEOVERRRR!~” Rarity said as scissors, sewing needles, and hairbrushes flew out of her bag. Applejack was then certain she was doomed.

Applejack was dressed mane-to-tail in ribbons and lace. A pointy princess hat topped her head. Pink bows were tightly tied to her front hooves, reminding Applejack of the hoofcuffs the Royal Guard used to restrain criminals. Her mane was tied up and perfectly bushed from what she felt like was hours upon hours of Rarity applying shampoo, conditioner and Celestia-knows-what to the farmer’s mane. She was certain that rodeo clowns wore less makeup than she did now.

“There,” Rarity said with pride in her work, “Now you look like a true Canterlot mare!”

“Who cares how Ah look? Ah can’t breathe with this corset on,” Applejack grumbled. “Do Ah get to pick who goes next now?”

“Oh, but just take a moment to embrace your feminine side, Darling!” insisted the marshmallow. “Don’t you think you look simply fabulous?” Applejack stared into the mirror as hard as she could, as if she was looking at a “Where’s Waldo? Derpy?” book.

“Nnope,” said the silly pony, imitating her big brother.

“”Well, there’s no accounting for taste,” huffed the white unicorn.

“To Rarity’s credit,” said Dusk, “You do look like the mares I’ve seen in Canterlot,”

“If you think it’s so funny,” said Applejack, taking offense to Dusk’s comment, “Then Ah dare YOU ta put on Trixie’s flashy getup that she wears everywhere she goes!”

“No!” gasped Trixie. “That’s Trixie’s lucky outfit!”

“Too bad,” said the earth pony, “It’s a dare. He ain’t got no choice.” Dusk put on Trixie’s clothes, which fit him quite impressively. Trixie was fuming.

“Then Trixie dares you to not talk about apples for ten minutes!” the showmare yelled.

“Then Ah dare ya ta not talk about yerself fer ten SECONDS!” AJ snapped back.

“Trixie dares the narwhal to act like she’s from this bumpkin town of PONYVILLE, and not Canterlot like Dusk!”

“Only if I can dare Applejack to learn some manners!” said Rarity, raising her voice.

“Then Ah dare Rarity ta enter th’ next rodeo that comes ta town!” Applejack hollered.

“I dare you NOT to enter the next rodeo that comes to town!” shouted Rarity.

“Ah dare Trixie ta get naked!” said Applejack.

Trixie threw her glasses and shawl on the floor. “There! Now, Trixie dare the redneck to make out with Dusk, twenty seconds minimum!”

“AH ALREADY HAVE, AND IT WAS A HOOF LOT LONGER THAN THAT!!” Applejack roared. With her secret out, a dead silence fell upon the room. Nopony dared to say another word. Dusk was sweating bullets, his eyes turning into pinpricks. Finally, Rarity’s face turned as red as a lobster.

“I’LL DESTROY YOU!!!” She screamed, lunging at Applejack like a wild animal.