“C'mon girls, seriously?” I groan, waiting to be dropped. “What happened to 'I should relax' and 'keep calm'? Do you seriously believe keeping calm is going to be possible if you two force me into a makeover?”

Lyra casts a glance at Rarity before nodding. “He has a point.” Her grin dissipates as Rarity lets me down. “We just wanted you to get a personal look at our side of the gender barrier. I guess I sorta forgot that forcing things upon you wasn't going to go over well.”

“You think?” I reply sarcastically. “There are other ways to go about those things...”

I shift my narrowed eyes toward the white unicorn warily. To my surprise, her head is bowed and there's even a placatory smile on her face. “I am terribly sorry dear,” she replies softly. “I sometimes get ahead of myself in such matters. Why it feels like just yesterday I swept up poor Twilight into a full makeover before ever having made proper introductions.”

Fuck, when she puts it like that and throws in those doe-eyes, how can I stay mad? Well, I suppose I could always fall back onto her atrocious treatment of Sweetie Belle in the Sisterhooves Social and Ponyville Confidential, but that would probably make things awkward. How would I explain knowing about these things without sounding like a creeper? “You're just acting in your nature, I guess.”

“Yes, well, I really must get back to—” Rarity stops dead, her eyes locked on the clock. “Oh my, is that time already?”

“Late for a spa date?” I offer with a joking smile.

“Of course not! A lady is never late!” she says, flushing. “Nor is she early! A lady arrives precisely when she intends to!”

There’s a giggle, and then Lyra speaks up. “So you do have a spa date today, then.” The corner of her mouth pulls up in a smile. “Do you mind if we come along?”

Rarity and I both turn to face Lyra, shocked. “What?” we cry out in stereo. Is it any wonder that we are surprised? After all, I just feebly fought against such girlish treatments. I also get the vaguest impressions from Lyra’s memories that she’s turned down a spa offer from Rarity before. Why now of all days would she change her mind on such a thing?

As if reading my mind, Lyra puts her hands up defensively. “Hey, don’t look at me like that,” she mutters. Even trying to keep quiet, I was still able to hear it. Maybe these equine ears are a good thing? “If you think about it, a trip to the spa is exactly what you need!”

My skepticism abound, I raise an eyebrow. “Forgive my imitation of the royalty, but please forgive me if I withhold my enthusiasm.” My voice is every bit as deadpan as intended. If I’d only lowered my voice a smidgen, I might even have made a passable impression of Princess Luna. Huzzah! “I’m not going to lie. Even if I am a mare for the duration of my stay, I’m not particularly keen on embracing my new marehood given the circumstances. If I weren’t losing all my memories and at risk of literally losing my personality if I don’t chill the fuck out, I might just give it a shot.”

“Actually darling, what Lyra’s suggesting isn’t that far-fetched.” Rarity smiles, as though picking up on something I missed out on. “If relaxation is supposed to keep one of Twilight’s spells in effect, then I can think of nothing better for you than for a trip to the Ponyville Day Spa. It’s not at all as, ugh, ‘frou-frou’ as you are probably imagining. A lot of Ponyville’s stallions are regulars as well. Besides, I’m sure Fluttershy would be happy to share our usual time-slot with you.”

It takes me only a moment to parse this. Yes, I know that men go to spas to unwind as well. True, it would be a good diversion given the oncoming freight-train that is Pinkie’s party—yes, I still think that’s a wreck waiting to happen. Still, I feel dirty falling into the standard trappings of all the Human in Equestria fics, suddenly balls-deep in the lives of these ponies. “Given that the last time I saw Fluttershy, I inadvertently took her through a portion of one of my nightmares, had a psychotic episode and thought I could run through apparently-solid dream doors, I wouldn’t be surprised if poor Fluttershy was terrified by the sight of me.”

“Nonsense, Soren.” Lyra laughs, crouching down beside me. With one hand, she musses my mane while rubbing one of my ears with the other. Oh sweet Jesus those hands are heavenly on my ears. “Fluttershy was the one who stayed with you while Twilight came to get me.”

Well, Fluttershy guilt is out, and so is being too girly. Maybe I’m making too big of a deal out of this whole affair... Does it really all boil down to me not wanting to get too involved with ponies who have shown me nothing but kindness and concern? Or am I basing this all on some admittedly two-dimensional impression of a character based on the show? Either way, I’ve run out of valid excuses for why I can’t go to the spa with them.

“Fine, I’ll go.” I say, trotting towards the door with my eyes on the ground.. “You go on ahead though, Rarity. I’ve got something I need to do.” I turn and watch as the others follow me out. Rarity locks the door, and then canters off with a surprising bounce to her step. Surely she’s not happy just from getting me to go to the spa. “Lyra, in my bag there should be a mechanical pencil, and a notebook. Could you please give them to me? I need to write some things down before I forget them, or who I am.”

When Lyra and I finally catch up, Rarity has already met up with Fluttershy in the lobby of the Ponyville Day Spa and is waiting for us. Turns out that Lyra is, of course, correct about the pegasus. The butter-yellow pegasus is no more scared of me than a blade of grass is afraid of breeze. If anything, she seems pleased to see me up and about.

“Oh thank goodness you’re okay!” she says, beaming. “With the way you ran into that door, I was worried you might never wake up.”

Lyra can’t contain herself, bursting out with laughter. “Well, my head is pretty hard,” she snickers. Even I find that pretty amusing, giggling alongside her. “It’ll take a lot to take me down.”

“Sounds like we have more in common than I thought,” I mumble and roll my eyes. Still, it’s impossible for me to restrain a grin. “So, Fluttershy. I hope you don’t mind that Lyra and I have tagged along.”

“It’s alright,” she replies sweetly. Somehow, I’m not completely sure she was immediately on the idea. “Rarity told me you’d be coming. At first I wasn’t sure because it’s always been just the two of us, but then—”

“Fluttershy, you don’t have to say it.” I smile. “I don’t expect you to be one-hundred on my being here, but I’m thankful all the same.” Cocking my head towards Rarity, a question bubbles to the surface. “I’ve never personally been to a spa before, even if I’ve seen what goes on in them plenty of times. What’s first on the agenda?”

“Well, first we check in, of course.” She gives one of those rich lady laughs and then waves a hoof towards the two spa ponies behind the desk. “Lotus, Aloe, we’re ready now.”

A blue earth pony with a pink mane held back with a white headband—Lotus Blossom, I think it was—trots from around the welcome desk with a clipboard held in her mouth. Coming to a stop in front of the four of us, places the clipboard in the crux of her fetlock and smiles at Rarity and Fluttershy. “Miss Rarity, Miss Fluttershy, so good to see you again.” she croons in that lilting accent—I’d almost say Swedish or Norwegian, except we’re in Equestria. “Party of four?”

“Yes darling.” Rarity nods. “Our friend Soren here has had an awful time of things lately, and we’d all like to help him unwind.” For a second, I am almost sure she was going to introduce me as ‘Sora’ and come up with some convoluted reasoning later, such as the spa ponies not coping well with magical gender benders or some such nonsense. “After all, he has been stuck in dear Lyra’s body at the most inopportune of times.”

Lotus gives but a small sniff, and turns to me with a sympathetic smile. “Of course, we would be happy to relieve you of all your stresses.” She turns back to the doorway she came through from the front desk booth, where her palette-swapped compatriot—sister?—Aloe was peering out at her questioningly. “Three mare-sized robes and...” She glances at Lyra before continuing. “... one stallion-sized for our guests.”

While Aloe fetches the robes, Lotus leads us to a small room off of the entry hall lined with cubbyholes for patrons to store their personal effects. To my surprise, there’s even a privacy screen present for those uncomfortable changing in front of others. Accepting one of the robes from Aloe, I dart behind the screen and gently remove my blanket-cloak.

It’s barely noticeable, but I realize that the more Lyra’s memories take hold, the easier it is to manipulate objects. I can only imagine that it’d take far longer for a young pony learning magic to exhibit such precision manipulation. Untying the two knotted corners is but a simple affair, and before I know it, I’m smoothing out the wrinkles and folding the cloth. In a heartbeat, I’m all dressed in the robe.

As I slip out from behind the privacy screen, all eyes in the room are on me. It’s no wonder, really. They all grew up in a culture where there was never a nudity taboo, so to see a pony seemingly anxious about changing in front of the others is probably unheard of. The privacy screen is probably there for other species that do value privacy... or something like that. Lyra certainly has no problem disrobing in front of the others in my body. Of course, karma is paying her back quite well, as she looks ridiculous in that poorly fitted robe—bulky around the barrel, but ultimately short on the legs.

I return their curious looks with a noncommittal shrug. “What? A gentleman never watches a lady change, and it would be inappropriate for me to disrobe before you all, even if we are all presently female.” Yeah, it’s a feeble attempt to protect my own dignity, but I figure if anypony can appreciate that line of thinking, it would be Rarity—not that I’m trying to impress her. Turning my eyes aside, I levitate my folded blanket into the same cubbyhole as my bag and Lyra’s clothes.

“Oh, nothing darling,” she says, smiling. Turning, she motions that we should follow after the spa ponies. “I was just just marveling at how different our cultures must be. If all ponies wore clothing every day like your kind does, I could only imagine how profitable my profession would be.” Of course she would think like that. “I’m still curious what would lead to such a taboo on nudity.”

I mull that over for a bit. I’ve never understood it much either. It isn’t until we have entered the sauna and Lotus starts pouring water onto the coals to fill the room with steam that I realize that I don’t have a good answer. “Honestly, I don’t know, Rarity. It would be simple to blame religion. After all, one of the more prominent faiths in my world touches on that very taboo, but never explains why.

“I might not be one hundred percent on the details, but as the creation myth goes, God created the first humans in the Garden of Eden—God’s creation playground, I guess—and basically told them that the world was their oyster, but forbade them to eat from two specific trees. Those trees were the ‘Tree of Knowledge’ and the ‘Tree of Life’. After being tricked by a snake—symbolic of evil incarnate—into eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, they became aware of things that had never occurred to them before—Good, Evil, and apparently that being naked was shameful.

“Furious with their disobedience, their God expelled them from the Garden of Eden before they could be tempted into eating from the Tree of Life, which would apparently have given them god-like power and wisdom.” Even though their attention is fairly rapt, I realize I’m rambling. After all, the point was the whole nudity shaming thing. “Eh, but I digress. Nopony really knows why these days. They just all have their own excuses for why they shouldn’t be nude.”

Aside from the hissing coals of the sauna, nopony seems to want to say anything. “That’s, um, quite a tale, Soren,” Rarity finally speaks up. “But are you sure you aren’t just twisting the Birth of the Alicorns legend just a bit too much?”

“What?”

Lotus opens the door indicating it is time to move on to the next task. Through the clearing steam, Lyra smiles at me from across the sauna. “I guess you haven’t gotten that memory yet.” She giggles. “That creation tale you just told us is very similar to the story of how Princesses Celestia and Luna came to be. Like your Garden of Eden, the first ponies were created by the Goddess, and told not to eat the fruit of two particular trees. The stories diverge when the goddess asked two young ponies—Luna and Celestia—to help her shape the world, telling them to eat the fruit of both trees.”

We are lead out into another room with comfy looking chairs, tubs of mud, showers, a giant pool of water, and shallow pools of water. Lotus ushers us to lay on the chairs. “So how did Discord come to be, then?”

“Something about a mischievous little pony who couldn’t decide what he wanted to be.” Lyra giggles. I would look over at her with a smile, but Aloe has already started slathering a mud-mask onto my face, quickly topping my eyes with cucumber slices. “That’s what the story says, anyway.”

“Can we have a change of topic?” Fluttershy asks softly before I can even ask about Cadance. “That is... if you don’t mind.”

“Yes, please,” Rarity adds emphatically. “Discord is kind of a sore subject for us all after his last excursion. Let’s all just take this time to relax and enjoy the spa.”

I never even thought about that. I would have thought that they were all happy after their victory, but I suppose what happened to them would have some lasting effects. Does the act that I didn’t think about that before asking about Discord in front of them make me a thoughtless person? Or am I still narrowly thinking with preconceptions from the show?

There’s no more time to think about that when something brushes against my horn. Sweet Jesus that tickles... They’re filing my—Lyra’s—horn, aren’t they? “Ahahah, oh wow, that tickles!” I cry out, unable to contain my giggling. In the background, Lyra’s giggling at my torture. Wow, this is like some sort of brain tickle. Seeing as the horn is attached to the head and is used to direct the flow of a unicorn’s magic, I know it’s only natural the thing would have some nerve endings and brain tissue in it.

In between bouts of giggling, I can hear Rarity talking to Lyra. “I know some ponies have more sensitive horns, Lyra darling, but I didn’t think you were ticklish.”

“I didn’t even know a unicorn’s horn could be ticklish.” Fluttershy’s meek voice carries over my laughter.

“Oh yeah,” Lyra replies. “Bon-Bon knows it too.” Mental images, no thank you Lyra!

Thankfully, the file stops rubbing against my horn before I wet myself with laughter. When the file returns to attack my hooves, I am too tired to care or struggle. It’s not eve nearly as bad as having the horn filed. Sure, it still tickles a bit, but really it’s not much different from filing a nail. I can feel them smoothing out the rough edges, and I’m thankful for it. A rough hoof against a thin patch of fur is something I’ve felt the last few nights, and it isn’t all that comfy.

The massage that follows is absolutely heavenly. They’re being gentle as all hay, but at the same time whoever it is has nice a nice firm touch—even through the robe. “I don’t know who you are, but if you keep that up, I just might have to marry you,” I blissfully moan. I must have said something funny, because it seems like everypony in the room is giggling now. Okay, it is pretty silly, proposing marriage over a massage, but come on! They’re working out knots in muscles I didn’t even know I had!

“If this is heaven, I don’t ever want to leave,” I mumble, not noticing the massage has stopped.

“But Mister Soren, it’s time for the mud bath!” Lotus—or was it Aloe—giggles in my ear.

Darn, even good things have to end I guess. With a groan, I push myself back up onto my hooves while wiping my face clean with magic. I look into the eyes of Aloe and give a small smile. “What about all this?”

“The sink.” She giggles at my seemingly silly behavior. “You’re supposed to rinse it off.”

Ooops. I look off to one side of the room and spot a sink. After a quick trot—wow, my muscles feel all loose now—I stand in front of the sink and drop the hovering glob of mud in before turning on the tap. Splashing water against my face with my hooves. Once my reflection shows my face is spotless, I rub it dry before trotting to the mud baths.

Lotus and Aloe are already helping Rarity get into her seaweed wrap, but they have enough time to give me a questioning look that transcends words. ‘Do you want one too?’ I quickly shake my head no and make my way to the mud bath Lyra’s occupying. I know there’s only two mud baths, and I’d rather two friends be together.

“So, Soren, indulging in a little bit of girly pleasure isn’t all that bad, is it now?” she asks, watching me sheepishly shuck the bathrobe and sink into the mud. “This is so much better than just lazing around getting yelled at by Bon-Bon.”

The warmth of the mud is wonderful on my freshly loosened muscles. It’s even better than just getting a massage. “Yeah,” I admit. “This is pretty wonderful. I think for the first time since all this began, I actually feel kinda happy.” I smile softly as I wiggle into a more comfortable position.

“Attaboy, Soren!” Lyra cheers, sliding her way around the mud bath and pressing against me in a hug, breasts and all. “You just gotta look on the bright side of life and everything will be fine!”

“Always look on the bright side of life, eh?” I laugh, squirming against her grip. Lyra, do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to have what is essentially my own breasts rubbing up against me? Are you trying to turn me on? “That kinda make me sing a certain song.”

“Is it a human song?”

“Damn straight.” I laugh, freeing myself of her cleavage crush and scrambling over to the other side of the bath. With a short cough, I try to recall the lyrics. Try as I may, the words won’t come, so I’ll ad-lib it and hope for the best. “Some things in life are wrong; they can throw you to the throng. Or you just want to watch the world burn. When you’re staring down a missile, don’t sweat it; roll a crit, and things’ll always turn out just perfect...”

The mud in the dead-center of the bath begins to bubble, and then without warning a pony-shaped mass of mud rises out of the mud. Two bright blue eyes open, and then the most terrifying grin appear on that pony-thing’s face. It opens its mouth, and the familiar voice of Pinkie Pie says, “And... never you mind the bad side of things...”

I let out a nine-note whistle before continuing the chorus in tandem with Pinkie. “Never you mind the bad side of things...” Again, I whistle those nine notes.

“Tell me this isn’t happening...” Rarity sighs.

Lyra looks slack-jawed at me and Pinkie before looking at Rarity. “It is.”

“If sanity’s running low, there’s somewhere you should go, and that’s the place that makes you want to sing,” we trill together in a mock British accent. “If you’re struggling on life’s humps, don’t you take them lumps! Just turn around and smile with your friends!”

“And... never you mind the bad side of things...” This time Lyra has joined in. In sequence, the three of us whistle the nine note riff. “Never you mind the bad side of things!”

“You take this one solo, Pinkie!” I whisper and wink.

“For I am most absurd, and the bird’s the word. You must always face your friends with a smile!” She makes a point stretching her cheeks with her hooves, showering the floor and walls with mud in the process. “Never mind the bad—that’s a good lad! Just bear it and your friends will stick around!”

“So never you mind the great side of things...” Pinkie and I exclaim together, tripping up Lyra. “Just remember that Redbull gives you wings!”

“This is how it ends, surrounded by new friends,” I sing, causing Fluttershy to blush and Rarity to smile lightly. “I’ll lose my mind without a care; it’s true!” I let out a big grin. “This might just be a show; I’ll keep fighting as I go. Just don’t think that the last laugh is on me...”

“And... never you mind the bad side of things...” The three of us sing again, with the accompanying whistle from the spa ponies, who in spite of the profanity that just erupted in their spa seem to thoroughly enjoy the musical number. “Never you mind the bad side of things!”

Pinkie and I continue for a couple of more cycles before finally cycling down into two heaving heaps in the mud. At that point, I can no longer contain my own amusement at what had just occurred. I have just taken part in a musical number with Pinkie, and it’s a Monty Python number no less. Sure, we didn’t nail the lyrics, but we managed to tie the absurdity of my situation in perfectly. That’s just fuckin’ magic right there! Pinkie joins in with the laughter, and Lyra soon after.

“What brings you here, Pinkie darling?” Rarity asks when the laughter dies down. “Did your Pinkie Sense warn you about a musical number that needed your assistance?”

“Oh no, silly!” Pinkie chirps happily. “I just came by to give the four of you invitations to my ‘Welcome to Equestria, Soren’ party! The song was just a lucky break!”

It’s only now that I notice she has some sort of container on her head, apparently sealed. With a bit of magic, I have the container open, and drop two near Rarity and Fluttershy’s robes, and another by Lyra’s. Finally, I levitate the last one in front of my face. Breaking the tiny wax seal with my horn, I read the contents.

I, Pinkamena Diane Pie, formally invite you to a special party for a special, special friend! You are invited to a party to welcome Soren—the human in Lyra’s body—to Equestria, and make him feel better! No gifts are necessary, but treats are always welcome! The party is tonight at 8PM, and Bon-Bon has been kind enough to host this party at her residence! I hope to see you there, because I have a super-duper special surprise planned!

"Fuck, I needed this," I moan, slipping back into the mud. "Thanks a million, Rarity."

Author's Notes:

Edit - Nov 3, 2013: Monty Python skit was rewritten in order to qualify as parody and therefore acceptable by FIMFiction rules. Originally, the song was from Monty Python's The Life of Brian, 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life'.

Re-edited 11 July 2017