I won't deny that the 'hayburger' provided by the waiter surprises me greatly. Levitating it closer to my face, I see it looks like a real hamburger patty on a bun with lettuce and what looks like pickles and mayo. Is it any wonder that I can't help but wonder what's in it? Gently lowering the burger back to the plate and giving a questioning look to Lyra, I whisper, “Just out of curiosity, what's in this?”

“If I recall correctly, it's equal parts black beans and alfalfa, flour, cornmeal, tofu, garlic salt, and cumin.” she responds with an arched eyebrow. “Why?”

I feel a moment of alarm, having recalled reading something about horses and colic from gassy foods. “Wouldn't the beans give a pony colic though?”

“Nah, you're thinking about your world's horses.” She smiles widely. “Equestrian ponies aren't that similar to them in many aspects. Believe me, I checked. Take chocolate or caffeinated items for example. Pretty dangerous to them, but they're just stimulants here in Equestria. The thing with potatoes, tomatoes, and other members of the nightshade family is just coincidental. Then there's the whole difference in level of intelligence. We're closer to humans than you'd think.”

“Huh...” I eye the burger tentatively before levitating it towards my mouth. Abandoning all reservations, my mouth bites into the burger and my thoughts are immediately locked on analyzing the flavors. The only real way I can describe the patty itself is bland, almost flavorless. The mayo, lettuce, and pickles help a lot, though. With all that in addition to the bun, it's not all that bad.

Swallowing my first bite, I realize my companion is looking at me expectantly. “Well?” she asks, shoveling her own salad into her mouth with a fork. “What do you think?”

“Needs Sriracha,” I grunt, leaning forward and taking a sip of my hayshake. The strawberry is overpowering, thankfully. I'm not completely sure, but I think I can taste some milk and ice along with the graininess of the intermixed hay. Well, that bucks another of my preconceptions. Still, it beats strawberry paper-mache by a large margin.

“Sorry?”

“A kind of hot-sauce.” I take another bite of my burger. “I love the stuff.”

“Ah,” she replies watching me munch away at my burger. “Aside from that, is it okay?”

“Not my ideal burger, but yeah, it's okay.” I smile softly. “Who'd have thought my first 'vegetarian' meal would contain so much hay?”

“Don't forget your hay fries,” she says, pointing toward the untouched stack of fries on my plate.

It certainly doesn't look much different from regular french-fries. What the hell, you only live once, right? Isn't that what people always say to get their partners to try anal sex? Or was that don't knock it 'til you try it? It doesn't really matter, since I'm clearly thinking to delay the inevitable. Without another moment's hesitation, I eat some...

… and instantly regret it. The instant it enters my mouth, I'm back in my final year of Jr. High School. Specifically, my mind has fallen back to the only time I've ever eaten McDonalds hash-browns. If I recall correctly—and I do—those tasted like newspaper. How I know that, I won't get into, but what I will get into is how hay fries do taste like newspaper. They're revolting. Maybe I'm just not accustomed to the taste of plain old hay, or this is some sort of joke.

My face must be contorted in disgust, because Lyra's got this amused look on her face. “Don't like the hay-fries?” she asks sweetly.

With a slight retch, I wash it down with the hayshake and go back to eating my burger. “It's like eating newspaper.”

“Why would anypony eat newspaper?” she gasps, appalled.

I shrug as best I can. “Dunno, really.” A cocky half grin reaches my face as I add, “I’ve always assumed I’m part goat.”

After gawking at me for a few minutes, she returns her attention to her own meal, and I quickly follow suit. After all, there’s still somewhere I need to go before the day is over. After all, Twilight Sparkle did mention wanting to give me her own examination—something about a few magical scans. If I’m lucky I can get that all done with and somehow avoid getting a Pinkie Pie party dropped on my fucking head. My head hurts enough without having to cope with the hustle and bustle of a party.

Speaking of which, I still have to take some of the painkillers given to me at the hospital. Say what you will about free health-care, I’m glad Equestria has that sort of system. It’s clear that the system run by the Alicorns focuses on the wellbeing of its citizens, and not monetary gain. Still, I’ve gotta wonder how they can afford to just hand out painkillers and not worry about addiction, or folks peddling their medication for bits. Then again, I’m basing all of that on Earth. It’s probably not the best comparison.

From the messenger bag at my side, I withdraw a small paper bag and a small parchment scroll. Setting the paper bag down in front of my plate, I unfurl the scroll and read it over. It’s the usual stuff, of course. Take one pill, three times daily for seven days. Do not take on an empty stomach. Do not mix with alcohol. If you experience bleeding of the eyes, please consult a physician immediately and discontinue usage. Wait... what?

“You’ll let me know if I begin bleeding from the eyes, right?” I comment with a chuckle, levitating the parchment over to Lyra. She takes the parchment in her hands, gives it a once over, and then shrugs. “What? That can’t be normal, right?”

Passing back the parchment, she takes a sip of her punch. “Not really, but it has been known to happen.” she replies nonchalantly. “Can’t rightly say why it happens, but some ponies just have really bad reactions to certain things. More often than not, it’s tears of blood.”

“Well... That’s morbid.”

“You’ll be fine.” she says firmly. “I’ve been on that particular painkiller before when I fell down after trying to walk bipedal. Bon-Bon tried to warn me about the stairs... but I didn’t listen.”

Well, there’s no point delaying it. Hesitantly, I tear open the paper bag, and open the pill-bottle contained within. The pills themselves seem to be some sort of potion inside a gel capsule. That’s certainly curious. Popping one into my mouth, I wash the pill down with my hay shake and go back to finishing my burger.

Once we finish our meals—even my newspaper-flavored hay fries—it is just a matter of paying the waiter. I never noticed Lyra carrying a coin-purse, but somehow, it doesn’t surprise me in the least when she pulls a small satchel from her cleavage. Having been exposed to the Internet, she’s probably gotten a few ideas from human media she has no doubt been exposed to.

“So, we have a whole afternoon before Bon-Bon is free,” Lyra says as she pays the waiter for the food and his tip. “What would you like to do?”

“I’ve gotta see Twilight about something,” I reply nonchalantly. “Back when we were on Earth, she said she wanted to take some magical readings. There’re also some things I wanted to ask her.”

“Like what?” a cheerfully squeaky voice says behind my back, startling me into the air. “Were you going to ask her how to get me to set you up an awesome party?”

Before I turn around, I notice Lyra cover her face with a palm. The instant I face this newcomer, I feel my stomach clench. Oh no... Not Pinkie Pie! “Oh... Hello Pinkie.” I titter nervously. “Goodbye, Pinkie.”

I do the only thing my mind will allow. I fucking book it.

"Nope! Nope, nope, nope!"

Half an hour later, I’m sprawled out on the doorstep of the library, exhausted. Pinkie is bouncing beside me, not even winded. Seriously, where does she get all this fucking energy? Does she somehow reach beyond the fourth wall and feed on the audience or something?

“Not at all, silly,” she says, her bubbly voice ringing like Hell’s bells in my pulse-pounded ears. “I just eat lots and lots of sweets.”

“Of course, how could I have forgotten the bottomless Pinkie pit?” I rasp dryly, looking up at her.

“Why did you run away?” Pinkie asks, cocking her head to the side. “Don’t you want a party?”

Oh crap... Here it goes. If I say no, she’ll feel bad and guilt trip me into changing my mind. “Pinkie, I have nothing against you personally, but at times you can be just the teensiest bit overbearing about parties.” I laugh, in spite of myself. Heck, right now I wanna cry. “In the last two and a half days, I’ve practically been to the gates of Tartarus and back. I’ve suffered so much psychologically and physically that I feel like a glass figurine that’s about to shatter, and the only thing keeping me together is the world’s worst epoxy resin. A party with a bunch of ponies that I only know from observing them on the other side of the looking glass just seems like the sort of thing that might agitate that delicate grip of the epoxy.”

There’s a thoughtful look on Pinkie Pie’s face. “It’s okay, Soren. I understand.” Okay, seriously, that’s fucking creepy. First answering an unspoken thought, and now knowing my name without introductions... You scare me. “I know what it’s like to have your life seemingly shatter around you, and you feel so alone.”

“Party of One,” I state softly. “You thought your friends didn’t like your parties any more, and went a little crazy.”

She beams at me. “That’s right!” She doesn’t question how I know about it, nor does she look all that bothered by it. This is downright fucking eerie. I mean, I know she’s notorious for breaking the fourth wall, but this is ridiculous.

With a sigh, I turn away, in part to hide the tears welling in my eyes. “Pinkie, it’s not the same.” I whisper. “In the end, your friends were all there for you, just planning a surprise party. What’s happening to me isn’t just the feeling of isolation as my friends avoid me. My mind is being overwritten, and slowly but surely, I’m not going to be me any more! Unlike you, I really am all by myself! My family’s basically abandoned me, and the only friend I really count these days wants nothing to do with me!”

When I finally look back at Pinkie Pie, there’s a slightly deflated look about her. It’s not full-blown Pinkamena deflated, but her mane is still somewhat limp. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know...” In all honesty, I didn’t really expect her to, even with her freakish knowing things she shouldn’t possibly know thing going for her.

I look her in the eyes and attempt to smile reassuringly. I’m not sure if that’s physically possible given my mental state, but the point is I’m trying. “It ain’t your fault Pinkie, and I shouldn’t take it out on you, or Lyra, or anypony.” Pushing myself onto my hooves, I nuzzle her neck gently in what I assume to be the pony equivalent of a hug. As I pull back, I add, “I’m just frustrated and scared is all.”

“You don’t have to be alone,” Pinkie replies with glee, returning to her fully bubbly state.

“I do though!” I shake my head violently before turning my gaze downward. “I can’t just rely on ponies I know of only by reputation and observation.”

“Why not?” Pinkie cocks her head to the side again, somehow managing to turn her neck in a one-eighty and look up at me from below. “Twilight managed to do just that with five ponies she just met! Friendship can come from anywhere, if you let it!”

I turn away, readying myself to press through the door. “I’m not Twilight, though,” I whisper, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. “I can’t be like her, no matter how much I might like to.”

“Pinkie’s still right, you know.” Lyra’s voice echoes behind me. I turn around and see her leaning against the library’s sign, my forgotten bag slung over her shoulder and my cap pulled low over her brow. “So what if you don’t know us as more than just characters? We’re offering you our support out of the kindness of our hearts, aren’t we?”

With a halfhearted smile, I reply, “With you in particular, that’s arguable, seeing as Bon-Bon’s making you take responsibility for your mess. Bon-Bon, on the other hoof seems sincere...” I glance at Pinkie. “You’re convinced that your party idea is going to lift my spirits, and aren’t going to relent, are you?”

Pinkie shakes her head once. “Nope. You’re getting a party.” She giggles and grins so widely that I’m concerned the top of her head might separate from the rest of her body. “Some ponies are hesitant to party, just like you. Once you get a taste of my parties though, I’m sure you’ll change your mind. Then you can stop being a sad pony.”

I examine the pink party monster skeptically. I really don’t think it’s going to work, but if I say no again, she’ll definitely cry or snap. “Fine,” I sigh. “Just promise me it’s just going to be a little party. Just make it Lyra, Bon-Bon, and a select few of your choice. I hate big crowds.”

“Okie dokie loki!” Pinkie exclaims before diving into the bushes. “I’ve got a party to plan!”

“Now that you have that over with, are you coming inside or not?” a voice calls from above me. I look up to see Twilight Sparkle peering down at me from a window. “It’s hard enough getting ponies to come by the library without ponies having existential crises on my doorstep.”

Lyra and I both gape at her. “How long have you been there?” we ask in unison.

“I’ve been listening since you arrived,” Twilight answers with a half-amused smile. “Half of the surrounding area probably has been too.”

Author's Notes:

Re-edited 11 July 2017